Tuesday, 13 October 2009

22/12/04 - Christmas special!

HO HO HO...HOT NEWZ!!!1 I am back with an extra special Christmas presents for all my homies and homegirls and homos but it's not a present from Santa it's a present from me, Hot Newz! And that present is an extra special Christmas extra special Hot Newz Christmas special for Christmas! I know I've been gone for a while but I've been training at SHAWN MICHAELS Texas Wrestling School for the last year but I still have time (every three months!) for my fans and Hot Newz will ALWAYS come home to Weinervile! Let's start with my most popular feeture, ASK HOT NEWZ!!!!

Stacy'sPanties writes

Hey dood love your column you are da man lol anyway I was wondering if you could list all da names that Mick Foley has wrestled under because there's been so many of them, thanks!

Eloquently put! Foley has wrestled as, in order: Dood Luv, Michael James Foley, Moby Mick, "Irish" Mick Foley, "Scottish" McFoley, Chainshaw Cactus Jack "Bang Bang" Manson, Masked Superstar #12, "Kind Man" Mick Foley (In ECW!), Mankind and finally Rock And Sock Connection Member Mankind! Glad I could help!

DoctorStumpy writes

Who invetned teh shooting star press: Kidman or Paul London?

Well, funny you should ask that Doc, because believe it or not NEITHER of them invetned it! It was actualy invented by Ricky Morton from The Rock 'N' Rolling Express back in the eighties or seventies but they wrestled in Memphis and Jeff Jarret's dad was booking back then and he said he wants "none of that fancy flipping Mexican Speedy Gonzales top rope SHIT my boys!" so Morton wasn't allowed to do it!

JillMcGill writes

Is Randy Orton married?

Sorry toots but YES he is...to the sport of wrestling! Guy like Orton never settle down, they just travel from town to town all their lives sleeping with RATS (that's slutty women, not actual rodents, obviosuly!) to fullfill there sexual needs! But maybe if you're lucky he might come to your town and you could show some cleavage and some leggage and some assage and he just MIGHT have sex on you! Or maybe you could do it with me I'm a wrestler 2 u know email me a pic.

MuffyTheVampireLayer writes

What do you think of the WWE firing Gail Kim?

Glad you asked! I think it's a BAD MOVE. First of all, Gail was the ONLY Korean to ever wrestle in America. The WWE could have turned her into an inspirational character who escaped the EVIL commie Korea to make it big in the land of the free! Secondly, she was the ONLY woman wrestler who could high fly AND use submissions! And thirdly and most importantly SHE WAS FUKKING HOT AND I LOVED HER! And also all those random divas they hired to stand about backstage smiling at men and doing random jobs randomly SUCK! Except Maria, she's hot. And Michelle McCool, she's cool. And Christy and Joy Schiavone and the one with big boobs, they're all hot and cool. BUT THE REST SUCK!!!!1

SCU316OhHellYeah! writes

What are you doing for New Years?

Glad you asked! I'm going to have sex with my girlfriend and get drunk! Then have sex again! Now for some NEWZ (my calling card!)

Triple H (THE BASTARD) did an interview with Howard Stern! And in it he admitted that he and STephanie NEVER got divorced and that was just an angle (just as I always suspected!) He also said that he's watched One Night In Chyna (Chyna's sexy sex video with X-Punk!) and that "she looked good in it" but he was probably talking about XPac lol! And also that he's "never held anyone down unless they deserve it. Like Jericho. And Booker. And Goldberg, RVD, Benoit, Kane, Orton, Batista, Flair, Hurricane, Val Venis and Stevie Richards. But they all deserved it-uhh! I do what's best for my company-uhh! I mean, THE company-uhh. The company that I book. HAHAHAHAHA! Oh yeah, buy my book, go see Blade and spit on Brock Lesnar if you see him on the street!" Stern then played fart noises.

TNA has closed down and will never be seen on tv or payperview agayne! Oh well.

Charlie Hass was late to a house show so Hardcore Holly hit him in the back of the head with a steel pipe! Holly said it was "southern justice" and even after Charlie (once he woke up from his coma) explained that his mother had fallen down the stairs and he had to help her Holly said "so what, hitting you was still fun!" Holly wasn't punished because it's the holiday season and good will to all men and all that crap! But Hass had to pay his own medical bills and will spend Christmas in hospital.

WWE is doing a SECRET (if it's so secret then how come I know about it?) tv taping in IRAQ at the moment for the troops! but just the American troops so if any British soldiers try to sneak in then the Americans are under orders to shoot them! And Rene Dupree won't be there because he's French and we all know the French are too scared to go into Iraq! RVD won't be there either and it turns out that he has FRENCH BLOOD running through his veins like his cousin Jean Claude Van Dam and I'm going to burn all my RVD merchandise now, I wouldnt have bought it all if I had known that he hates FREEDOM!

Mick Foley and Ric Flair had a SHOOT fight backstage at RAW! It started when Flair said to Foley "look fatboy, I don't have any respect for you and I think you're a worse wrestler than Brutus Beefcake and that your wife could do so much better, but I'll forgive all the horrible things you said about me if you shake my hand, whooo!" and Foley said "I'd sooner shake the hand of a SNAKE!" so Flair punched him right above the eyebrow with his knuckles and Foley bladed but didn't go down so Flair pulled out brass knux and took a swing but Foley blocked it and shoved the madible claw deep down the gullet of the Nature Boy! But then Flair kicked Foley low and went for the figure four but as he was applying it Foley got him in the claw again! And Flair tapped out but Foley wouldn't let go so Triple H jumped right on Foley's skull (it was a shoot, remember!) and knocked him out then bundled Flair into a limo and quickly drove off as Foley got up and threw a trash can af the limo! And the blood feud will be settled at WM21 in a Lion's Den match!

Wreslting DVDS are selling well this holiday season and here are the top ten sellors!

1) The Rise And Fall (And Fall (And Fall)) Of EC DUB!

2) One Night In Chyna: Extended Edition (With Audio Commentary By Chyna, X-Pac and Justin Credible)

3) Chris Benoit: Toothless Agression

4) Undertaker He Buries Them Alive (Not Dead)!

5) Mick Foley's Greatest Bumps And Promos And Plugs!

6) WCW Great American Bash '89

7) WrestleMania X8

8) WrestleMania X9

9) WrestleMania XX

10) WrestleMania XX1 (Pre Order)

Wrestling books are also selling well so here are the top ten books (not just wrestling, all of them!) in the world from Amazon.world!

1) The Death and Return of WCW (And Death Again) by Meltzer's friend and that WrestleCrap guy

2) The Death Of WCW Smark Rant by Scott Keith

3) Have A Nice Day by Mick Foley

4) Don't Treat Me Like A Man (I'm A Woman!) by Chyna

5) HUUUUUUUUH by The Hard Boyz

6) Aye Aye, How's About Some Fish 'N' Chips Mate? by Dynamite Kid

7) The Lord Of The Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien

8) The Dictionary by !?

9) The Bible by God

10) The Making Of The Game by Triple H



Jingle Bells, Triple H Smells, His Workrate Went Away!

Jesus Died For THIS?

Away In A Manger, A Little Baby's DEAD (It's Lita's!)

Snitsky Is King Herod!

Hell No, RVD Won't Go!

Stephanie Booked This Crap

Vince, Rehire Gail Kim Or I'll Set Fire To This Sign!

RAW will next air on December 27th but it was TAPED last night in the COCA COLA Arena in Atlanta!. Yep taht's right I said TAPED! This is because HHH and Stephanie are going on vacation to Africa to hunt lions over Christmas and you can't have RAW without Triple H! And the WWE comped by tickets because they know people read my spoilers then tune it to see if they were correct (and they always are!) so hizzere is tizzeh rizzesults!

The show opened with a dark match between Lo Key (guy that jobbed on Heat a few times) and some Japanese guy (Justin Luger or something, he had a silly costume on!) and we booed them out of the building for being boring before they ever locked up and then Eric Bischoff came out and said "I quite agree this IS boring, let's skip the dark match and get right to HEAT!" and we all cheered because even Heat is better than a dark match between two nobodies! And secuirty dragged them both away and it was time for HEat!

And there was only one match on Heat this week because it's Christmas and it was a special battle royal with all the Heat roster and the winner gets a turkey for Christmas dinner! And the comptietors were Stevie Richards (big pop from me!), Viscera, The Big Valbowski, Las Resistance, Hurricane, Rosey, Tyson Tomko, Simon Dean (OMG relegated to Heat already SERVES HIM RIGHT FOR SUCKING AND BEING NOVA), Tajiri, Rhyno, CW Anderson, Danny Doring, Roadkill, Sandman(!), New Jack(!!) and The Blue Meanie(!!!) And right at the start everyone teamed up to get Viscera out and threw him right over the top both feet on the floor but big Vis wasn't happy and went back in and threw EVERYONE out! And he threw out Stevie last so BY RIGHTS he should have won but then ringt announcer Howard Finkell said "and the winner of the battle royal...ME, THE FINK!" and flipped off Vis and ran away before Vis could eat him!

Then the pryo went off (and I peed myself, it's scarey!) and it was time for RAW IS WAR for hour one then THE WARZONE in hour two because they went back to the old names because ratings were higher back then. And right at the start they showed a limo pulling up backstage and Vince McMahon, Stephanie(!) and HHH got out! And since HHH broke kayfabe on the Stern show he's now married to STephanie again in storylines! And Vince said "Hey I just got a phonecall with some bad news, apparently Jericho DIED in a car crash on the way to the arena" and everyone in the crowd started crying (except me, I shouted "LOL IT'S A WORK!") But then Triple HHH said "Why is that bad news?" and took out one of them calculator things with the paper coming out of it that accountants have and said "yep, it's good news! My calculations show that without paying Jericho's salary, my profits will go up by 0.09%! I mean, OUR profits! Mwuhuhuhahaha!" and we all booed his evil disregard for human life. And then Stephanie said "well if you're happy then how about we do it missionary position tonight instead of doggy style like you always want"? and HHH said "now come on Stephanie, that wouldn't be very fair now, would it? I'd have to look at your face!" then Steph said "ok you're right but could you at least not watch Chnya's sex tape while we do it?" and HHH said "NO DEAL!"

Then in the ring Stacy, Christy, Maria, the Latino one and the six other non wrestling divas came out for the annual Raw Christmas snowball fight! But before it could start "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town!" played and Santa Claus came out! And Santa asked each Diva to "sit on his slap because Santa's got a BIG surprise for all you fine ladeeyz, HO HO HO!" and grabbed Stacy's ass but she was powerless to stop him because it's Santa! But then BENOIT comes out and says "Listen eh I'm from Canada the great white north home of Santa so I know a thing or two ABOOT Santa and you are NOT the real Santa! In fact, the only person on RAW who could play Santa is our evil GM Eric Bischoff, eh!" and put him in the crossface! And Santa tapped out then passed out from the pain! But then the real Eric Bischoff(!) came out from backstage looking all upset and said "what have you done Benoit? That's not me, it's the REAL Santa you idiot!" and Benoit stared at his hands like Bob Backlund and he couldnt believe what he had just done with his very own hands and paramedics came out to carry Santa backstage and a sullen silence fell over da arena!

Meanwhile backstage Eugene is opening his Christmas present from William Regal and it's an English tea pot! And Eugene says "thank you Lord Steven, I know what to do with this, I'm a clever boy like Dean Douglas!" then he whips his Johnson out (they blurred it out, sadly) and started PEEING in the tea pot! And Regal said "No dear boy, you shouldn't do that...it reminds me of...Jericho!" and Regal bursts out crying and Eugene says "don't be sad Jericho's in heaven now with Andre the Giant and Al Wilson!" and hugs Regal. And then they both drink the pee tea in memory of Jericho! :(

Then you see the paradmedics loading Santa up into the ambulance and Benoit's crying and says he wants to ride in the ambulance but Bischoff says "don't you think you've done enough!?" and Benoit turns his back on the ambulance but suddenly Santa pulls his beard off and it's Maven! And he jumps Benoit from behind and stomps on him four times then says "you wanted me to be bad and now you've got it!" and spits on the ground next to Benoits but some of the spit goes on Benoit too! Then Maven throws the paramedics out of the ambulance and jumps into the drivers seat and says "I'm taking this thing to Disney World!" and drives away then Bishoff looks down at Benoit who's still hurt from the savage beatdown and may never be the same again and says "don't cross the boss!"

Then backstage HHH goes into his office (he gets an office again because he's married to Stephanie!) but for some reason the Jeirtron 5000 is in there and HHH says "hey, someone get this piece of crap out of here, I've got roster cuts to do! Grisham, get your ass in here and get rid of this thing!" then the door opens and HHH is looking down at the roster list scoring out Paul London's name and he says "hurry up Grisham or I'll cut you too, Christmas or not! Bah humming birds!" but then a voice says "I'm not Grisham you assclown!" and HHH looks up and JERICHO is standing there! But his skin and hair are all white and he had white robes on! And Triple says "but you're d...d...d...not alive!" and Jericho says "That's right jerky, I'm the ghost of Jericho present! C'mon baby, I'm taking you on a ghostly journey and your life will never, EEEEVER by the same agayne!" and HHH says "shit!"

Back in the ring there's snow and a big snowman and the divas come back out for the annual Christmas snowball fight! But just as Maria is rubbing snow on her hot breasts and the snow is melting against the hotness of them, the Snowman BURSTS open and SNITSKY steps out! And all the girls are shocked still and they stare at him but Snitsky says "Don't worry ladies! I just want to have a fun and throw a few snowballs!" and he throws a snowball right in Stacy's face and she falls over then he says "this isn't fun...how about I throw WOMEN instead!" and picks up Christy and throws her at the Latino One but then Lita's music plays and she comes out and she's wearing a thong like the good old days (or should I say the WOOD old days, because I had a woodie!) then she said "listen Gene I'm serious okay my husband Matt Hardy I mean Kane Hardy I mean Kane is coming back Gene and I'm serious the blood is going to be on your hands I mean his hands and it'll be your blood!" then Kane's pyro goes off and all the snow melts! Then when the lights come back on (they went out) Snitky's boots are on fire!! and he has to run backstage where Sergant Slaughter sprays them with fire extenguisher and it was a good stunt.

JR announces that the main event will be Batista versus Edge "for some reason we know not what but one thing's for sure it's going to be intense and it's going to be a slobberknocker and there ain't going to be no Christmas cheer tonight for those two, I can promise you that one thing folks!"

Then some middle east sounding music started playing so we all booed right away because this is AMERICA and we dont like that shit and they Muhammed Hussien and the other guy come out and we chanted "USA USA USA" for ten staight minutes before they could even get a chance to talk until finaly secuirty told us to shut up so we did and I quickly wrote a "Security Told Us To Shut Up Sign" and held it proudly look for it on camera! The Muhammed said "You know, I used to love being an Arab in America until...9/11. Ever since...9/11, I've been persecuted for being an Arab in America. All thanks to...9/11. And ever since...9/11, there's been one thing and one thing only I've wanted to say. So, for the thousands in attendance and the millions watching at home on tv...let'sgetreadyto SUUUUUUUUUUUCK IIIIIIIIT!" then the DX music plays and they rip their Arab robes off and underneath they are wearing the green and black of DX! Then JR said "GOOD GAWD, DON'T TELL ME THESE ARAB AMERICAN INDIVIDUALS HAVE JUST TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF OUR AMERICAN FREEDOM BY JOINING DX!" And then Muhamed made the girl next to me show her boobs and they were DD! And she was so excited that she forgot to put her top back on for the rest of the show so I barely looked at the ring again! Then JR said "I LOVE THE FACT THAT THESE TWO HAVE THE FREEDOM HERE IN AMERICA TO JOIN DX, BUT I HATE THE FACT THAT THEY JUST JOINED DX!"

Meanwhile Ghost Jericho is still haunting HHH backstage and says "listen up jabroni you roody poo, you've turned into a right scrooge! Firing great wrestlers like Gail Kim and A-Train just to widen your pocket book!" and HHH says "I don't care! I'm going to own this company one day!" and Jericho says "Maybe you are, but I'm here to convince you to change your ways!" and then the Jeritron 5000 shows footage of HHH fighting Henry Godwinn in the pig pen match! And Jericho says "this is your past you assclown when you used to put people over!" and just as he says that Henry throws HHH into the pig shit. But HHH says "So what, it never did me any good!" but Jericho said "but looks how happy you made Henry! He was like a pig in mud! And you were happy for him, admit it jerky!" then HHH smiles nostalgically but then shakes his head and says "it's going to take a lot more than that to make me change my ways, you dead mid-carder!"

Meanwhile Christian goes into Bischoff's office and says "how about you give me a match with Randy Orton and if I win I get in the Elimination Chamber, dude, beause there's been no matches on this show anyway!" and Bischoff says "don't interrupt me when I'm speaking! You get Orton NEXT WEEK but tonight your opponent is waiting in the ring so go out there and wrestle his ass or I'll fire you!" and Christian storms out! then Trish sticks her head out from under Bischoff's desk and says "what a weenie! I can't believe I used to go out with him!" then Eric says "Hey, I didnt tell you to stop! Get back to earning your rematch with Lita!" and Trish says "yes master" and goes back under the desk then you see Bischoff smiling evily and hornily!

Then Hurricane is in the ring and Christian comes out angry ready to fight but right away Hurricane just gives him a RKO(!) and pulls of his Hurrimask and underneath it's Randy Orton and he's dyed his hair green! And Orton says "Well, looks like the chess pieces on THIS board are all in control of me, Randy Orton, the legend killer! Looks like you won't be able to wrestle me next week with that CONCUSSION I just gave you with the RKO Christian!" and everyone cheered even me because you've got to respect that genius scheme he just pulled off then Orton walks away but the referee counts him out because he forgot to go for the pin and Christina is the winner even though he unconcsious and does that mean Christian's in the elimitaion chamber tune in next week to find out!

Then meanwhile the Scrooging of HHH is continuing as Jericho shows him how HHH just upset his own wife by calling her ugly and fat but HHH says "but she is!" and Jericho laughs and says "can't argue with that, baby!"

Then Shelton Benjamin comes out to defend the intercontinental title against the NEW number once contender and we don't know who it is until THE COACH comes out to the biggest heel heat of the night! And coach says "listen Shelton, why do we have to fight? I mean, we're both black men from the streets! We have so much in common, I used to be a street thug like you too! So how about we shake hands and you FOREFIT the intercontinal title to me! And then Shelton is thinking about it and JR screams "NO KID DON'T DO IT, YOU CAN'T TRUST THAT MAN, HE'S BAD NEWS, HE'S NOT A THUG HE'S A THUGGING IDIOT!" but then Shelton takes Coach's hand...but then pulls him right into the T-bone! And JR says "YES YES YES, BY GAWD, HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR T-BONE COACH, EXTRA RARE WITH SALAD ON THE SIDE, YOU GODDAMN BASTARD, YOU JUST GOT SERVED!" Then Rhyno comes out through the crowd(!) and Gores Coach and says "You think it's f*ckin' over it' never f*ckin' over you f*cker" and jumps over the barricade right in front of me to make his escape but he slipped and landed on this head! And I spat on him!

Then meanwhile Ghost Jericho is getting frustrated trying to get old mean HHH to mend his ways so he says "alright you mama jama it's time to bring out the big guns and show you your future!" and on the Jeritron you see an older Vince McMahon with a long white beard on his death bed writing his will! and Future McMahon says "Now that I'm about to die it's time to decide who gets the WWE when I go, HHH or Shane. I love HHH but lately ratings have been down to a 0.5! Probably because he and Flair are the only wrestlers left he hasn't cut!" and HHH smiles and says "looks like a great future for me!" but then Vince says "So I'll give the WWE to...Shane!" and signs his will then DIES! And HHH says "No, that can't be allowed to happen! It should be mine! I'll...I'll change my ways, Jericho spirit! You've convinced me!" and Jericho says "Well you better hurry up assclown because the show is nearly over and you have amends to make!" and HHH nods and runs out of the room.

Then after an ad break (they showed the ads on the titan tron!) you see Triple HHH backstage with Christmas presents giving them out to all the staff! Then HHH sees Vince and Stephanie and hugs Vince and says "I've changed my ways! Rehire Gail Kim! Rehire A-Train! Rehire them all! Except Test." then says to Steph "and you know what? We can do it missionary position tonight!" and Steph says "oh Hunter you've made me so happy!" and HHH says "yep, we can always put a bag over your head! And I'll even turn the volume down on the Chyna sex tape!" and Steph says "you really have changed!" and kisses him!

Then meanwhile meanwhile in the ring Batista and Edge come out and Edge looks happy because he's finally going to get to win a match but then "TIME TO PLAY WITH THE GAME" plays and HHH comes out in a Santa hat with a big present and says "hit the bricks Edge, I've got something for Batista!" and Edge starts crying and goes backstage then HHH puts the present down in front of Batista and says "I have a special gift for you, Deacon." and then Muhammed Hussien and the other one sneak in the ring behind Batista and give him a double low blow! Then HHH gives Batista a pedigree right on the present! Then he unraps it and opens the box...and inside are thumbtacks! and he says "A pedigree on thumb tacks isn't just for Christmas, it's for life, suck it!" and crotch chops with Muhamed and the other one and they are the next DX!

Then McMahon is watching this backstage and he shrugs and says "oh well, good enough!" then Jericho's ghost walks over to him and says "good ACTING job playing yourself as an old man! That beard was convincing!" and Vince says "Well quite frankly you did a good job yourself there playing a ghost!" and Jericho smile and starts wiping the white make-up (it was only make-up!) off his face! Then Eugene and Regal are walking backstage and Eugene sees Jericho alive and says "ARGH, IT'S A ZOMBIE, CALL THE GHOSTUBSTERS! CALL PAPA SHANGO!" and starts running around in circles scared and Regal says "no dear boy don't be a bloody sodding pillock it was just an act, Jericho's still alive!" but Eugene is distraught and runs out into the parking lot and gets run over by a limo and who was driving!?!?!?

It was the BIZZEST RAW Christmas show I've ever been to and I've been to TWO!

Now finally for some hot Christmas messages from all teh top WWE superstars see you next year HO HO HO!!!!!

Tazz: Yeah, Christmas time again, yeah, holly and ivy and all that other stuff! And that's not Bob Holly and Ivory, don't misunderstanderise me!

Randy Savage: OOOOH YEEEAH! Macho Madness will be running wild in 2005, yeah! All I want for Christmas is a rematch with Spiderman, oh yeah! Spiderman, you beat me last time but you got lucky! And next time we face I'll put you in my sleeper hold and you'll fall to that just like Jeff Jarrett, dig it! And if Batman wants a fight I'll take him on too, oh yeah! And Hulk Hogan you coward, if you want to fight me we'll do it like MEN in a boxing ring wearing giant gloves and head gear over three thirty second rounds! Be a man!

RVD: Well unlike all the other Smackdown stars I'll have Christmas at home, dudes!! And I'll sit around the fire and there will be smoke coming out of my chimney! But it won't be from the fire, it'll be from the pot I'm smoking! And I'll light the spliff with a burning American flag!


John Brad Shaw Layfield: JR said it all for me! But add the Mexicans in there to the list of people I hope have a CRAPPY Christmas, or whatever the Mexican version is!


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