Hot Newz

Royal Rumbler 2012

2012-01-28T13:31:00.000-08:00

OMG I am finally back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that 2012 is here! Scientists have PROVED beyond a shadow of a doubt that the world will END on December 28th 2012 when the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs RETURNS for humanity! You can't argue with that, it's a known fact! But at least that means we'll have one more great year of wrestling before then! Because it's the last year on Earth (we'll all hang out in Heaven, don't worry!) I think the wrestling companies will make it the BEST year of wrestling ever! As always the years starts with the ROYAL RUMBLE at the end of January and here are the FULL RESULTS I obtained by hacking John Lauranicetits' email!

CM Punk versus Dolph Ziggler - They have a NORMAL MATCH and Punk hits his Randy Savage elbow even though it looks shit and is an insult to Savage's memory! Then a MASKED MAN runs in and lifts Punk up onto his shoulders and Punk looks confused! Then suddenly JOHN LALANIGHTUS comes off the top rope with a clothesline on Punk and Punk is KNOCKED OUT! Then John pulls his sleeve up to reveal a STEEL sleeve underneth! Then the masked man rips his mask off and he has ANOTHER mask underneath! Then he rips THAT mask off and he's ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL! Then Animal, John and Ziggle destroy Punk until Lillian announces that Punk wins by DQ and Ziggler says "you screwed me out of the title!" and gives the Lananicenips brothers Zig Zags to big pops! This sets up Punk and Ziggler verus the Dude Warriors in the opening match at Wrestlemania!

Daniel Bryan versus Big Show versus Mark Henry in a steel cage match - Since Big Show and Mark Henry are both fat and injured they just do a really long lockup while Bryna stands there. Then after two minutes of the lockup, AJ climbs up to the top of the cage and dives off right into the ring landing face first! Then Cole says "she's killed herself rather than date that loser nerd Daniel Bryan!2 The match is stopped because of AJ's suicide attempt, naturally!

Backstage, Bryan looks all concerned as AJ lies motionaless on a bed but then he starts LAUHING and AJ LAUGHS too! Then Bryan says "those DRUGS you gave AJ to make her bones go soft so they wouldn't break and she'd be unharmed really worked...DOCTOR CULT!" We then see COLT COBANA wearing a doctor's coat and smiling EVILY as the new character DOCTOR CULT who will never wrestle but WILL get heels out of matches! Dr Cult says "my pleasure, hahaha!" BUT THEN Teddy Long comes out from behind a potted plant and says "hold on a minute, playa! That sounds like a WELLNESS POLICY violation to me, taking bone-softening drugs! That's why at Elimination Chamber, Daniel Bryan will defend the title inside the chamber and AJ will be LOCKED inside a SMALL CHAMBER which will be on top of the BIGGER CHAMBER to make sure she doesn't interfere! Holla holla!"

John Cena versus Kane - Cena has Kane in the STF (I'm sure that won't look like shit!) when suddenly EVE TORRES comes out dressed as a SATANIC GOTH like Ariel! Then Kane SLIPS OUT of the STF by SLPPING OUT of his MASK! And underneath he's Kane! Then Eve goes to hit Cena with a SATANIC steel chair (it's red!) but Cena gets her up for the FU! Zach Ryder runs out before he can hit it and says "are you serious, bro, I'm the one who should give this satanic hussy what she deserves, WOO WOO WOO!" and Cena nods and puts her down. Then Zach runs at Eve like he's going to hit her but instead her SWERVES and runs at CENA instead and gives him the Rough Ryder and Kane pins Cena with one foot on his chest! Ryder says "you never visited me in the hospital, bro, and also Kane taught me that EVIL is amazeballs!" and goes backstage with Eve for SEX. Then Cena gives Kane a FU through the ring and shrugs.

ROYAL RUMBLE

BEFORE THE MATCH John Lauranaitis (I googled it!) comes out and says "even though this was originally going to be a thirty man royal rumble it will now be a FORTY man royal rumble to give the fans some extra BANG FOR THEIR BUCK and also because there's two hours left on the show and we need to fill the time. God bless us all!"

Number 1 is The Miz and he says "I'm going to do some Mizentary for a while!" and joins the announce team! Number 2 is the return of DEAN MALENKO who comes out to his James Bond music with Lita on one arm and Terri Runnels on the other (neither mentioned by name since they're both on one day contracts!) He grabs the mic and says "I'm back for ALL THE PUSSY, PG13 can go to HECK!" Number 3 is Brotus Clay who comes out to his "Funky On The Run" song with the Funkettes (actually in real life Flash Funk's hot daughters!) Dean says "All the ladies know I could beat you in a dance off AND a sex off, you fat waste!" and does the Malenko Shuffle! Then Brotus acts like he's going to dance but instead just gives Dean the Funk Of Humanity crossbody as at the same time the Funkettes give it to Lita and Terri! Then Dean ROLLS UNDER THE BOTTOM ROPE and just walks away in shame. Number 4 is Jay Uso and number 5 is Jack Uso (they come out together!) and they run out holding LEAD PIPES! The Usos say "Brodus Clay! You are a disgrace to DANCING WRESTLERS everywhere by being a big goof, our father Rikishi only danced to distract the fans from the truth that he was the one who ran over Austin! Now we're going to kick your ass RIKISHI STYLE!" But before they can, number 6 is Rikishi(!) who runs out and stops them and says "hold on a minute, kids, I might have tried to murder Steve Austin, but my true love was always dancing, and you crazy kids with your Ipads and Facebook seem to have forgotten that, so let's CUT A RUG to remind you of that!" And all four dance for two minuts! Number 7 is WILLIAM REGAL who comes out with LAYLA on his arm wearing an ENGLISH DRESS (that means it shows cleavage!) The four DANCING FOOLS laugh at Regal until he kicks and punches each of them with a different hand and foot then reveals he had brass knux on each hand and foot! He eliminates all four then makes out with Layla for the rest of the time! Could this be the start of the big main even Regal push!? Number 8 is Sheamus who throws out Regal right away. Number 9 is Hornswoggle who does and Irish KILT DANCE with Shameus! Number 10 is R-Truth who just stands outside the ring doing unfunny Little Jimmy material ("Little Jimmy don't like cats...because they AIN'T DOGS! Little Jimmy DO like dogs...because they AIN'T CATS!") for two minutes!

Number 11 is JINDAR MIHAL who lasts FORTY MINUTES (spoiler) Miz then tries to sneak in and eliminate R-Truth but Truth backdrops him out after one second because Miz is a joke! Number 12 is Kofi Kingstone! Number 13 EVAN BOURNE'S music plays but John Lauranaitis comes out holding a BROWN ENVELOPE and says "unfortunately Doctor Cult just gave me some wellness policy results and it seems Eva Bourne has been smoking elephant dung to get high like a hippy so he's suspended for nine months and his replacement is a man who will never break the law...the head of Right To Censor Steven Richards!" And RTC are back at last! Steven gives Hornswoggle the Steven Kick to show how evil he is! Number 14 is PAPA SHANGO so Wade Barrett wasn't lying on his twitter! But he can't do vodoo because it's been made illegal since the nineties so he just eats worms to get a pop from people mistaking him for the Boogieman! Number 15 is Alex Riley and will he finally get out of his slump? No, he's a jobber, he's eliminated right away by Papa Shango. Number 16 is THE MODEL RICK MARTEL. Number 17 is THE RETURNING CHRISTIAN who has dyed his hair JET BLACK and is wearing NEON GREEN knee AND elbow pads and hits everyone in the ring with a SPINNING HEEL KICK! Number 18 is Jack Swagger and he and Christian INSTANTLY elimiante each other setting up a fed for WrestleMania but who's going to be the face and who the heel!? Number 19 is MASON RYAN who comes out MOONWALKING and then moonwalks right over to the announce table and SLAPS MICHAEL COLE then roars "YE KNOW WHAT YOU DID, LADDIE!" setting up a new MYSTERY storyline that will play out through the year and end with Vince McMahon revealing that HE was behind it all! Number 20 is Cody Rhodes and he eliminates Mason Ryan then NODS in Cole's direction in a mysterious way!

Numbers 21 to 29 are all jobbers like Tyson Kidd and Drew McIntyre just to fill up the ring because we ALL KNOW the Royal Rumble is more exciting when there's so many guys in there that we can't see what's happening and there's no room to move! Number 30 is Mick Foley who comes out with a notepad! Foley takes a mic and explains "bang bang! I'm just writing my next best seller right here! It's a book about the aborted storyline leading up to my return to the ring at the Royal Rumble! Did you know I suggested to Vince McMahon that I have a six month feud with Drew McIntyre and he rejected it? You will once you read this book! Right now I'm writing the chapter about the challengers of writing a chapter of a book about returning to the ring at the Royal Rumble while returning to the ring at the Royal Rumble while writing that same chapter! Haha! I know Kevin James!" Then he elimianted Drew McIntyre since that was the only part of his proposed storyline that Vince McMahon agreed with and this leads to a comedy bit on Smackdown when Drew asks Teddy Long for his job back but it's actually Foley in blackface and he says "You can't have your job BACK, but I can have Teddy's job BLACK, bang bang!"

Number 31 is Randy Orton who eliminated a load of people (Rick Martel!) Number 32 is Wade Barrett and Orton goes for the RKO right away and Barett shoves him off and Orton lands on his back and then Orton rolls out of the ring saying, "oww, I think I broke my back!" And right away an ambulance reverses down to the ring and the driver grabs Orton and drives away with him! Number 33 is Santino who instantly hides underneath the ring, the crazy goofball! Number 34 is JOHN CENA who eliminates exactly HALF of the people in the ring! Number 35 is KANE who comes up through a hole in the ring and eliminates exactly THE OTHER HALF of the people in the ring leaving it just Cena and Kane! And Cena gets the upper hand (OF COURSE!) until number 36 is Evil Zach Ryder making it two on one! But Cena still has the upper hand (OF COURSE) until SANTINO comes out from under the ring and he's been CORRUPTED by Kane's evil under there and he's now SATANTINO! And he puts the Cobra sock on and it now looks exactly like the serpant that tempted Adam and Eve in the Garden Of Eden! ANd all three eliminate Cena then laugh evily! Numbwer 37 is Jinder Mihal but Kane's evil army eliminates him right away and they seem unstoppable! NO ONE comes out for Number 38 and Cole says "I guess whoever it is was too scared!" and Booker says "MAYBE DAT'S IT...BUT MAYBE NOT!" Then for number 39 AMERICAN BADASS plays and THE UNDERTAKER is back on his bike and he finally wants revenge on Kane for burrying him alive at Bragging Rights two years ago! And he easily eliminates Satantino and Ryder and then he and Kane are TETTERING on the ropes when number 40 is CHRIS JERICHO who enters the ring JUST as Kane and Undertaker fall out and apparently WINS without touching anyone JUST AS everyone on the internet predicted! But then DEAN MALENKO (never eliminated remember!!!) runs back out and grabs Jericho by the HAIR and throws him out and says "that's revenge for our feud from 1998 that everyoen remembers!" But then BOOKER T gets in the ring and throws out Malenko and stares at his hand! He was number 40! But then Booker says "Man, I'm TOO DAMN OLD to win dis Rumble, I'm eliminating myself, peace out brahs!" and just steps over the top rope. So who has won!?

SUDDENLY the ambulance from before drives back out and crashes into the ring and RANDY ORTON pulls HEATH SLATER out who was the DRIVER because Slater was in CAHOOTS with Barrett all along! Orton gives Slater the RKO on top of the ambulance then throws him in the ring then thrwos him over the top and the bell rings then for some reason and Orton has won! Great Rumble!

Back soon with less Hot Newz!

THE HIGHLANDERS TO RETURN AND FEUD WITH WADE BARRETT IN CONTROVERSIAL "SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE" STORYLINE? RVD TO BE MYSTERY ENTRANT IN MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA AND GET HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE (HE CLIMBS A REALLY BIG LADDER THEN SMOKES POT AT THE TOP OF IT)? DAVEY RICHARDS TO SELL A MOVE FOR ONCE? KATELYN TO GET BUTT IMPLANTS? KURT ANGLE'S BROTHER ERIC TO TRY OUT FOR THE OLYMPICS INSTEAD OF KURT BUT THEN KURT WILL CLAIM IN A RADIO INTERVIEW THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY HIM AND WHEN THE HOST ASKS WHY HE DIDN'T QUALIFY HE'LL SAY SOMETHING VAGUE ABOUT "DARK FORCES" THEN DO A MOONSAULT? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF KELLY KELLY, SERIOUSLY, IF YOU CLICK THIS LINK THERE WILL BE HOT NAKED PICS OF KELLY KELLY, NO WORD OF A LIE, ACTUAL HOT NAKED PICS (UNLESS SOPA HAS HAD THEM DELETED!) AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

13/8/2011 - SummerSlam Newz!

2011-08-13T08:22:00.001-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is CM PUNK, CM PUMK, CM PUNK, Melina and CM PUNK! And also CM Punk! ALOT has happened with Punk over the last month, so much that when I tried to write abuot it earlier, my keyboard CAUGHT FIRE because I was typing so much! But have no fear, I've got a flame retarded keyboard now and I'm back! I have had literaly SOME emails asking me if the various crazy thigns done by Punk have been works or shoots or shorks or whoots or even shizbangs! To solve those mysteries I have prepared a FLOWCHART showing which is which!

Punk's "shoot" promo on RAW: TOTAL WORK but based on a SHOOT. Punk got angry backstage one week after jobbing to KANE and started shooting to the Diva he was currently banging (let's say...Eve) about all the stuff from the promo! But he was mainly saying it all to turn her on! Eve then repeated the story to the next Superstar she banged and he repeated it to the next Dvia HE banged and soon everyone knew! So when it came time for this angle, the writers had Punk repeat this shoot to them so they could SCRIPT the "shoot" promo on RAW! The only part that was a real shoot was when Punk said hi to Colt Cabana! He was supposed to say hi to Scotty Goldman!

Punk's contract expiring the day of Money In The Bank: WORK that became a SHOOT! As Dave "MMA is my life" Meltzer reported, Punk's actual contract expires on September 11th (hmm...)! BUT to make the angle more real, Punk actually QUIT the WWE briefly so that his contract was INVALID, and signed a NEW contract that expired on the date of Money In The Bank, THEN signed a NEW NEW contract one minute after midnight on the day of Money In The Bank! So it was a confusing, pointless mix of real and fake!

Punk crashing Comic Con: SHOOT! Punk was actually looking for the Game Of Thrones panel (he was going to ask why they created the prostitute character Ros for the show but left out characters from the book like Brynden "The Blackfish" Tully!) and wondered in to the WWE panel by mistake! He then made the best of a bad sitution by saying Triple H has a big nose and asking him to re-sign Koko B. Ware.

Stephanie having Punk's phone number: SHOOT! She's his boss so logically she would have it. They haven't had sex. The only WWE Superstars Stephanie has had sex with are Triple H, Chris Jericho, Test (RIP), Rodney (but NOT Pete Gas, she has standards), Paul London (he mentions in one of his 281 stoned shoot interviews!), Snitsky and A CERTAIN MAN I CANNOT NAME, BUT HE'S QUITE A MACHO GUY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, OOOOH YEAH! (Razor Ramon.)

Vince McMahon quitting the company and Triple H saying "I love you, pop" - Shoot worked worked shoot shoot!

Triple H re-signing Punk because it's "good for business." - WORK! Punk makes no difference to business at all (they might as well have Heidenreich in the same role for all the difference it's made to ratings and buy rates!), but by claiming that he's "good for business" Triple H hopes to fool people into watching RAW beause they'll think "hey, if this Punk guy is good for business, he must be worth watching!"

Gail Kim has also got in on the shooting! After being eliminated from the RAW Divas battle royal in four seconds, Kim tweeted on the way backstage "was just booked to be eliminated from the battle royal in two seconds but stayed in for four. Will anyone notice?" It is thought that Kim only did this to TURN ON Punk since she's one of the few Divas he's never banged (he thinks she's still dating Daniel Bryan and respects him beacuse they're both great workers!) This plan BACKFIRED on Kim when she got backstage and Triple H was waiting for her and said "you suck, your ass is fired! And you don't even have an ass!" and did a crotch chop! Kim said "OMG, you saw the tweet already?" and Triple H said "what tweet?"

Melina has also been fizzired! Even though Melina was the best female worker in the history for wrestling (Bret Hart said it so it must be true and she can do the splits and eveything!) WWE decided to sacrifice her in order to force John Morrison to "man up"! Even though he's currently posting EMO POETRY on his Twitter about how much he loves Melina, soon he will find comfort in the bed of another Diva (Natalya, who suddenly got hot after turning heel!) since he IS a man and no man can go without pussy for too long (I can barely last an hour!) To stop him getting too attached to Natalya, she will turn into a bitch (she is a woman after all!) and dump him for no reason! This will toughen up Morrison and turn him into a REAL MAN who hates women and make him a better wrestler!

UPDATE: WWE are now trying to get Melina evicted from her own home in cast Morrison goes there looking for her!

David Hart Smith has also been sizzacked after authorised wearing of a cowboy hat on Superstars three months ago.

Chris Masters is also gizzone! To understand the reason why, I present to you the transcript of a phone conversation between Triple H and Johnny Ace where they were discussing who to fire!

HHH: How about Chris Masters?
Johnny Ace: Don't you watch Superstars? He's pretty good now.
HHH: Of course I watch Superstars! Every week I make Stephanie wait another forty minutes before I pleasure her becasue I'm catching up on what Masters, JTG and Alicia Fox are doing! I know he's good now.
Johnny Ace: So why release him?
HHH: Remember about five years ago I cut a promo on RAW calling him a shaved gorilla after he got off the gas?
Johnny Ace: Yeah, that was mean.
HHH: My character was mean! It's what he would have said! Anyway, Chris couldn't work back then, he deserved to be released.
Johnny Ace: Right, back then, but he's good now! An asset to the company! To Superstars anyway.
HHH: Yeah, but my character said he sucks. So by becoming a good worker, he's made my character look stupid! My character wouldn't stand for that. That's why he has to be released!
Johnny Ace: But that sounds really petty and childish.
HHH: Exactly! That's what my character is, really petty and childish! And most importantly, that's how the internet sees me!
Johnny Ace: Oh, I get it, you want to release Chris Masters to work the internet!
HHH: Right!
Johnny Ace: Even though you're a great guy really, you want to trick the internet into thinking you're really petty and childish becaue this will make money somehow.
HHH: And it's worth firing Chris Masters just for that!

Poor Chris! But don't worry, he will show up on Impact in three weeks, but Sting in a REVERSE Full Nelson, say "you wanted me to be bizarre, YOU GOT IT, JACK!", job to that twat Anderson the next week, then form a tag team with Abyss to feud with two other tall guys...but they can't get along!

Vladamire Koslov was also rizzeleased I actually managed to bag an EXCLUSIVE 30 interview with him and find out the REAL reason why...but all his answers were in Russian so I can't tell you what the reason was!

Zach Ryder's release IS of course coming, WWE are just waiting for the right moment to do so. The right moment will be when his release causes the MAXIMUM amount of pain to his thousands of internet fans because hurting internet fans is what's really important! Expect it to happen after a RAW in Long Island where Zach finally gets a big win over someone like Dolph Ziggler or R-Truth or even Miz and it looks like his career is FINALLY about to take off...then next week he's Future Endeavored and Cole says "YEAH, NO ONE CALLED ZACH WORKS HERE, HAHA!" then a midget dressed as Ryder comes out to the ring and Chimmel kicks it in the face and Cole says "EVEN CHIMMEL'S BETTER THAN THAT LOSER!" and then there's just five minutes of a close-up of Cole's face smiling smugly.

Jindar Mahall WAS going to be released until someone remembered that he's married to the Great Khali's sister and if he was fired he'd take it out on her, so he gets to keep his job!

The only reason Trent Barreta hasn't been released is because he was never actually under contract! He just showed up one week and started wrestling and everyone just assumed he must work there and never thought about him again!

Due to so many Divas being released or quitting or being injured banging CM Punk, AJ will be locked in a room for a week with DVDS of ALL the greatest Japanese wrestlers (Justin "Thunder" Lightning, Kenta Kobana, Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Rikishidozan, Tajiri, TENTA, Stan Handsome and Fuanki!) to BRAINWASH her into being a great worker who will save the Divas divison!

Summerslam is THIS Sunday! For some reason there are only four matches this year, but it doesn't matter when one of those matches is the biggest match ever (Kelly Kelly versus Beth Phoenix!) Here are the results!

Shameus verus Mark Henry - Mark Henry gives Shameus a World's Strongest Slam RIGHT THROUGH THE RING! Then Mark comes up holding his arms in the air claiming to have won! The referee says "you can't have pinned hm under the ring!" and Mark says "but the underneath the ring referee counted three!" and the referee says "but there is no underneath the ring referee..." and HORNSWOGGLE pops out from the hole in the ring wearing a referee shirt and punches Mark Henry in the balls! Then Shameus hits the Rogue Kick for the three and JR shouts "BAH GAWD, SHAMEUS AND HORNSWOGGLE HAVE TEAM UP TO SCREW WITH MARK HENRY AND CAUSE MISCHIEF!" to explain what happened to the really thick fans! Then Shameus gets down on his knees and cuddles Hornswoggle said "that's right, little fella, I'll be your new dad! I won't get fired for singing the national anthem in french like yer other daddy did, fella! I love ya!" and they do an IRISH JIG with some kids from the crowd!

Booker T commentary - "MAAAAAAAAAAN, what a DOG that Shameus is, MAAAAAAAAN I can't BELIEVE them tactics, those tactics of that Shameus, they were something else, dawg, but I CAN believe that Shameus would USE those tactics, them tactics, to WIN, because WINNING is what it's all ABOUT and now SHAEMUS gets TEN TIMES the money he would have GOT for dat match and he can buy a LOT of lucky charms with that, and you can't BLAME Mark Henry for losing but you CAN blame Mark Henry for NOT WINNIN' and not bringin' out HIS OWN BLACK MIDGET from THE HOOD to counter that Harmswagle, MAAAAAAAAN!"

Kelly Kelly versus Beth Phoenix - Beth goes for the Glam Slam right away but Kelly reverses to the LABELL LOCK(!) and gets the submission! Then DANIEL BRYAN comes out with his Money In The Bank Briefcase but now it's all PIMPED UP with DIAMONDS! Then Bryan says "that's right, I taught Kelly my finisher? Why? Because she's my MAIN SQUEEZE. You see I took The Bella Twins's virginity. I pleasured Gail Kim so much that she couldn't take it anymore and had to quit the company! For a longtime I've been submitting bros. Now? I'm PIMPING HOS!" Then he pulls a ghetto blaster out of his tights and it plays the Godfather's music and he does a sexy dance!

Michael Cole - "OH NO, OH GOD NO, A DIVAS MATCH? If you're taking a bathroom break now, YOU'RE A LOSER. If you paid to watch this show, YOU SHOULD ASK FOR A REFUND. Anyone enjoying this match is LITERALLY RETARDED! OH SHIT, DANIEL BRYAN!? HOW COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a Daniel Bryan match is SCUM and should NEVER watch our product again! IMAGINE HOW LOW THE WRESTLEMANIA BUYRATES ARE GOING TO BE WITH THIS NERD IN THE MAIN EVENT! Anyone who orders that show is GAY LIKE JOSH MATTHEWS!"

Christian versus Randy Orton - Edge comes out and SPEARS Orton to big boos but then spins round and SPEARS Christian to big cheers and Orton lands on top somehow and gets the pin!

Booker T commentary - "Man I understand COMPLETELY what just happened. I don't understand WHY because I'M BOOKER T, but I do understand WHAT and the MOTIVES and the OPPORTUNITY. Man if I was Edge I woudln't have done THE EXACT SAME THING because I'm not Edge, but if I WAS Edge I'd understand that he wants to PROVE he's still a MAN by spearing both guys, and I can understand WHY MYSELF now that I think about it and I would do THE SAME THING, Cole!! I wouldn't do that PERSONALLY but I can see myself doing that PROFESSIONALLY if I was in Edge's SHOES right now! But his shoes wuoldn't fit becasue I gots me some BIGASS FEET! Maaaaaaaaan!"

John Cena versus CP Punk title unification match - Right away Cena says "I respect you, Punkerman" and lies down flat on his back! But when Punk tries to go for the pin, Cena ROLS HIM UP with a small package and Triple H does a FAST COUNT! Punk kicks out anyway and says "oh this is the wya it's going to be!" and kicks Triple H in the thigh and HHH says "oww, my quad!" and hobbles backstage! Then Colt Cabana jumps the barricade and lays out Cena with his finisher, the comedy boston crab! BUT THEN Mick Foley comes waddling out in a referees shirt and lays out Punk with a punch wearing Mister Sock over his fist (that makes it hurt more!) and Cena gets the pin! Then at the next ppv Foley will job to Punk so he can go on and on for years about how he "made" Punk by "putting him over" and can write a fifth book putting himself over for how great he was for putting Punk over! Then Cena turns round right into a big boot by MASON RYAN, his next feud!

Booker T commentary - "Dayum! That match was like a CHICKEN DINNER. No, wait, I lost my train of thought. That match was like SPAGHETTI AND BOOKER BALLS! That's what I cook all up in MY HOUSE, you feel me dawgs? Punk just proved that he is EVERYTHING HE SAID HE IS but then Cena went and DISPROVED dat by proving that Punk is EVERYTHING CENA SAYS HE ISN'T! And that big Scotsman Ryan Shamrock, he just kicked Cena's head to the moon, suckas!"

Well that's it for Hot Newz forever really this is it I'm never writing another Hot Newz again since they're always terrible and I barely watch wrestling and I want to thank ZRC for giving me a shot and paying me so much money for every article I wrote, back soon with more Hot Newz!

FAKE SIN CARA IS REALLY PAUL LONDON WHO SHOWED UP STONED AT THE SMACKDOWN TAPINGS WEARING A SIN CARA COSTUME CLAIMING TO BE "SIN CARA'S DAD BECAUSE I FUCKED HIS MOM, WOOOOO!" AND THEY DECIDED TO GO WITH IT? ZACH RYDER A FACE ON RAW AND A HEEL ON SMACKDOWN AS A METAPHOR FOR THE DUALITY BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL THAT EXISTS IN ALL MEN? KAITLYN WOULD BE HOT IF SHE HAD HIPS? NATAYLA AND BETH HOTTEST HEEL TAG TEAM SINCE THE SMOKING GUNNS? STING PAYING ROYALTIES TO THE FAMILY OF HEATH LEDGER? KURT ANGLE TO HOST THE 2016 OLYMPICS IN HIS BACKYARD? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LAYLA TWEETING MY FRIEND OT IN A DARKENED ROOM AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCIVE AND BLOG CLICK HERE!

3/6/2011

2011-06-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Chyna, who at one time was not only the most famous woman in wrestling but the most famous woman in THE WORLD, has finally returned to sports entertainment! It might be hard to believe now that she's an aged mess who can barely move but at one time Chyna was the greatest female worker on Earth! She had the size of Awesome Kong, the technical abilities of Layla and the looks of Beth Phoenix The Glamazon all rolled into one! She was the FIRST woman to ever get physical with the men by giving them forearms behind the ref's back and lowblows during Triple H's boring 1997 matches! Miss Elizabeth and Alundra Blaze never did that! Even Sunny, who had HUGE TITS, wasn't as influential as Chyna! Here is a quick look at the history of Chyna's career!

1996 - Triple H sees Chyna in a bar and thinks she's a man at first but then realises she's a woman. He says "you look exactly like a man but you're actually a woman? YOU'RE MY DREAM GIRL, HAVE SEX WITH ME!" and Chyna says "okay!"

1997 - Chyna makes her WWF (as it was known back then, a little known fact for you!) debut at WrestleMania 13 by SQUASHING Marlena "Terri" Reynolds with a bearhug, breaking six of Marlena's ribs, puncturing a lung and givng her a concussion! Someone then realizes it would be a good idea to teach Chyna how to work before letting her hit anyone else so she is sent to Triple H's uncle Killer Koala (who also trained such stars as Perry Sattellite and Sim Snuka!) who teaches her how to throw a forearm behind the referee's back and hit lowblows! These moves make Chyna the most popular woman in THE WORLD beating even Madonna and Princess Diana (before AND AFTER her death!) DX is formed so that Shawn Michaels and HHH can leech off of Chyna's heat!

1998 - The tv series Xena: Warrior Princess is created, based on Chyna's life story. Chyna beats Mark Henry at In Your House: Rock Bottom in a jumbo-sized vibrator on a pole match (oh Russo!) then sticks the vibrator where the sun don't shine (in his mouth)! Then sticks the pole up his ass!

1999 - Chyna carries Chris Jericho to the best matches of his career at Survivor Series and In Your House: VaChyna Envy. WCW sign a muscular woman and call her "Pacific Rim" to rival Chyna, but viewers notice how lame she is in comparison and WCW's ratings fall dramatically. Triple H notices that Stephanie McMahon's name has the sound "man" in it but she looks like a hot woman and also is filthy rich and the boss's daughter and gets her drunk in Las Vegas and marries her! Stephanie falls in love with him because none of her previous wrestling loves (we all know who I mean!) ever did that second part for her!

2000 - Chyna is depsuhed and jobs to Crash Holly in the shower (24/7 hardcore rules, baby!) To get back at Hunter, Chyna starts a real life affair with Eddie Guerrero (an upset Vickie Guerrero starts a real life affair with Rey Mysterio who fathers Dominic with her!) Eddie cheats on her with Victoria (back when she was still hot!) in a shower. Chyna gets her own back by appeaing in PlayBoy and looking sexier than ten Sable and eight Torrie Wilsons!

2001 - Chyna breaks her neck FOR REAL in a match with Ivory and is forced to retire from wrestling forever. Chyna sleeps with X-Pac to "get back at the world."

2002 onwards - Chyna becomes the world's biggest (I mean in terms of size, not success!) porn star in a series of movies titled: One Night In Chyna, Two Nights In Chyna, One Sack In X-Pac (guest starring Justin Credible's ballsack!), Chyna-ese DemocSEXY, Screama: Warrior Incest and The Complete And Utter Degradation Of Chyna As A Woman And A Human Being! Fortunately now that Chyna's a wrestler again she'll never have to do one of these movies again and her life be perfect forever!

In tragic newz, Layla's career may be over! Layla was the hardest (and hottest!) working woman in wrestling, competing over 300 times a year for the last six months! Doctors told her to slow down but Layla said "NO, DAMN IT, I HAVE TO GIVE THE FANS WHAT THEY WANT!" and refushed to lower her workrate. Sadly her (hot) body couldn't handle it anymore and she tore both her legs in two during her match with Michelle McCool but STILL finished the match and ended McCool's career becasue she cares about the fans THAT MUCH! Layla will undergo PIONEERING surgery that will let her walk and compete again, though I'm fearful that her doctor will be some kind of SEX PERVERT who just wants a chance to touch her legs while she's under during surgery! Layla being gone means there's a slot (or should I say SLUT!?) open as Hot Newz's number one Diva/Knockout...and perhaps only the combined hotness of the Bella Twins can fill that positon! In fact, yes, they're much hotter than Layla ever was now (it's that little dance they do during their entrace!) and I don't even miss Layla at all now!

Randy Macho Man Savage has died! Savage is remember as being one of the greatest in-ring performers and biggest personalities in wresting history. And also for his eccentric behaviour backstage! Such as when he became paranoid that other wrestlers were looking at Elizabeth and forced her to wear a potota sack (later STOLEN by Marc Mero who made Sable do the same...but in Sable's case it was an improvment!) at all times! Even then Hogan still kept looking at her potato sack ass and saying "brother" suggestively, so Savage had Liz locked in a packing crate whenever she was backstage! If anyone went near the crate Savage would hit them in the back of the head with a brick and say "OOOOH YEAH, STAY AWAY FROM MY PLEASUREBOX, DIG IT!" He was a funny guy! Sadly Savage and Vince McMahon had a falling out and Macho Man never made an appearance for WWE again. This was because after WCW shut down Savage decided to become a movie star. He instantly won a part playing himslef in the first Spider-Man movie (the one where Kirsten Dunst was still hot) and the directors were so impressed by his performance that they got him TEN AUDITIONS for TEN MOVIES and predicted he would be the biggest wrestling movie star ever! Seething with jealousy because Savage was set to become bigger than The Rock (who had only done Mummy 2 at this time and he was played by CGI for the whole movie because he coudln't act yet!), Vince McMahon had his lawyer Jeremy McDiggit BAN Randy Savage from using the name "Macho Man" in any of his movies because the WWE owned the name! This meant Savage had to be known as Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man and whenever he went for an audition afterwards and said "OOOOH YEAH, I'M THE MACO MAN, DIG IT!" the audition person would say "then how come your name was Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man? You're not the real Macho Man! You're a FAKE! JUST LIKE WRESTLING IS FAKE! WE DON'T WANT FAKES IN HOLLYWOOD, GET OUT!" and have security thrown him out! And one day Savage went nuts and gave all the security guards flying elbow drops and was kicked out of Hollywood for life! But in the end he became a RAP STAR so it all worked out for the best (until he died suddenly!) He will be missed.

Karma is pregnant! There is a lot of speculation as to who the father of the baby is. Some believe it is JIM ROSS! Even though JR said Karma is a fat tub of goo who will never make it as a Diva unlike such talented beauties as Tamina, that doesn't mean that he and Karma didn't have chemistry together and that they didn't have hot naked HATE SEX recently! Others think the father could be Hornswoggle because that would be funny! Yet others think it's David Otunga who was upset about Jennifer Hudson losing weight and wanted to sleep with a larger woman again! The truth is, that father of the baby is IN FACT...Karma's real life husband who has no involvement with wrestling! How's that for a scizzoop!

Ric Flair is on the run from the cops! It happened when Flair was payed FORTY DOLLARS to sign autographs but instead went off to have sex with the first girl in line (she ran away when he went to the bathroom so he just ended up masturwanking!) But that's not the reason he's on the run! Flair was taken to COURT and the judge asked him to pay the forty dollars, so he reached for his wallet, but found an old blade in it and instinctively bladed and bled all over his lawyer (a sexy female lawyer, of course!) The judge warned Flair he would hold him in contempt for this so Flair begged off in the corner, but when the baliff went near him, Flair poked him in the eye and climbed up to the top of the witness box. But no one knew to press slam Flair off, so he got confused and Flair Flopped to the floor! Flair then dropped his pants and jumped up spinning his cock around shouting "WOOO, NATURE BOY, I INVENTED THE HELICOPTER DICK IN 1976, WOOOO, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, SHUT UP FAT BOY, WOOOOO, TORRIE WILSON, I HAD HER, WOOO, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE, WOOOO!!" then jumepd out of a window and ran off! The police have been told to watch out for low blows and to no sell chops when apprehending him.

And now some TNA SPOILERZ! Someone slipped a BROWN ENVELOPE with the words "TNA SPOILERS!" written on it under my door and I opened it to find TNA spoilers inside! I can only conclude that Terry Taylor did it to get revenge on Russo for getting him fired! And also becasue there were naked pictures of Winter in the envelope too.

Hulk Hogan comes to the ring and says "you know what, dudes, I'm sick of not wrestling. Everyone knows that WRESTLING MATTERS! So even though every single doctor in the world, even some German doctors, have said I can't physically ever wrestle again...I'm making my in ring comeback TONIGHT against that PUNK CM Styles! And AJ, you jabroni, you roody poo, you'll never see it coming tonight, BROTHER!" then rips his shirt off to a face pop! And underneath he's wearing ANOTHER SHIRT which has "I love my fans" written on it which gets a face pop! Then Jeff Jarrett comes out and says "hang on HUCKSTER you can't fight AJ tonight, I have the main event booked as a FIRE MATCH between myself and Kurt Angle where the ring is on FIRE, we can't have both matches!" and Hogan says "no, you're right, BROTHER, the fire match will take place on PPV DUDE, because it's too good for tv, NOW GET OUT OF MY RING, BROTHER!" and does a crotch chop to a face pop! Then Mick Foley comes out and says "and the network has made ME the guest referee and I promise on my honor and on my respect for my fans that I will call it right down the middle, bang bang!"

Beer Money versus Chris Harris and Matt Hardy - Just as the match is about to start, Matt Hardy hits Harris in the back of the head with his boot! Then he says "you know what, I'm sick of teaming up with you Chris Harris, you suck, you're even fatter that me, I can't believe this company rehired you, I hate you!" while Beer Money just shrug and drink beer and count money. Then Matt says "and now my new tag partner, JEFF..." but his mic cuts out! Then Matt looks ANGRY and runs backstage! Then Beer Money give Chris Harris a Doomsday Device just for a laugh or something.

Mickie James versus Winter with Angelina Love as guest referee - Winter explains that "I went to Mick Foley before this match and asked him to let Angelina be the guest referee. He said no at first, but then I said I'd hug him and say he's a good hugger if he let Angelina be the ref and he agreed! But guess what? HE'S NOT A GOOD HUGGER AT ALL, TEE HEE TEE HEE!" Anyway Angelina is of course being fed drugs in her food by Angelina to turn her into a lesbian or something so she's a biased referee in favour of Angelina until Mickie says "you know what, if you're a lesbian now, you should be with me instead of Winter, because she's weird looking and English, but I'm kind of hot and BISEXUAL, just ask Trish!!" and kisses Angelina! Then Angelina looks confused and opens her mouth speak (or give Mickie the tongue!?) but Winter quickly throws drugs into her open mouth! So Angelina is back under Winter's control until VELVET SKY runs out with GOOD DRUGS that she got from a PROPER DOCTOR (Stevie Richards!) and she DDTs Angelina onto the good drugs so that they end up right in her mouth! Then Velvet and Angelina give Winter a Doomsday Device (from the second rope) and Mickie gets da pin.

Scott Steiner comes out to the ring and says "YOU KNOW WHAT? Mexico America? I'M SICK OF YOUR ASSES! You claim to be Mexican Americans, but I'm a real America and YOU are just Mexico-ians! You ain't not no America or nuthin'! You can either love or leave America or stay here and be no good Meixcan punks who SHOULD leave before I Stienerlise your asses and faces! So why don't you bring your lazy, no good, donkey-riding, taco-eating, hat-humping Amexican asses out here so that I can kick your asses back across the border! But first I'll kick your teeth down your throats, so that your teeth or in your asses, so that when I kick your asses your teeth will fly back up into your mouths, but now they'll be covered in shit and you'll be tasting your own shit as you go flying across the border courtesy of my boot which has just booted yoru asses over the border, as expressed in my previous utterance!" Then ABYSS walks out and chokeslams Steiner and says "Santa Claus is coming to town!" What does this mean? We don't know yet! We'll think of something before Christmas!

Mexican America come out with a MEXICAN BAND playing MEXICAN INTRUMENTS and say "hahah, let's have a PARTAY, HOLMES, to celebrate America SUCKING, esse!" and start dancing! But then two of the Mexican band members throw off their sombreros to reveal INK INC and they hit all the members of Mexican America (yes, even the mildly hot girls) with LOADED TACOS. Then Ink Inc tattoo all the unconscious mexicans with tattoos of AMERICAN SERVICEMEN AND WOMEN to make them respect america!

Next up, there's lots of mud around the ring and Bully Ray comes out with some pigs! Bully says "I never mentioned it before but I grew up on a farm! And I've been friends with pigs ever since, because I respect them more than YOU STINKING FANS! And these are very special trained pigs! I trained them to EAT poeple! They'll eat the loser of a wrestling match! After the three count, there's no stopping them! So RVD, you STONED MONKEY, come out here now and fight me and lose and be eaten by my pigs! OINK OINK!" Then D-VON jumps out from under the mud and hits Ray with a collection box (insider reference to his reverand D-Von character and a hint that Batista is on his way to TNA...if we can sign him...which we almost certainly can't)! RVD comes out and just pins Bully right away and the pigs listen to the ref count three then start to EAT Bully Ray but RVD says "hey, stop there, piggies!" and the pigs stop. "Why have Bully Ray eaten by pigs now after a pig match on tv, when we can have him eaten by a whole load of anmals after a BARNYARD BRAWL LIVE ON PAY PER VIEW!" and points to himself and walks off! Then SoCal Val escorts the pigs backstage.

Mister Anderson comes out and says "you know, Sting is and OLD BASTARD who can hardly move and my match with him on pay per view will SUCK becasue he's so old and can't work and does too many Irish whips, and I have decided to show you stinking assholes a preview of how much that match will suck and how much money you'll be wasting on Sunday, by wrestling DANIELS here tonight! He's almost as old as Sting!" Then Daniels comes out but before the match begins Anderson says "hold on, you're an OLD FOSSIL Daniels, so that means you're eyesight is going, like all old people!" and sprays PEPPER SPRAY in Daniels' eyes, blinding him! Kennedy keeps pulling stupid faces as Daniels staggers around blind until STING comes out and says "Anderson, even if I was blind like Daniels is, I could still beat you!" and puts on a blindfold to prove it! But Anderson pushes Daniels at Sting and Stings thinks it's Anderson and gives him a scorpion death drop! Then Anderson says "GUESS WHAT STING, ON SUNDAY, DANIELS WILL BE THE GUEST REFEREE!" and Sting says "oh shit!"

Backstage Kurt Angle is sitting behind a desk for some reason when KAREN ANGEL barges in and says "hey Kurt, I STILL HATE YOU, what are you doing, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, you better not be with Chyna, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T CARE AND WON'T LEAVE JEFF FOR YOU, I'm just wondering that's all, I'D NEVER TURN ON JEFF WITH A LOWBLOW TONIGHT IN YOUR FIRE MATCH, so what's up?" Kurt says "woooo, I'm just thinking about what to have for dinner, I'm thinking of EATING OUT tonight, maybe OUT EATING some CHINESE FOOD!" Then Karen SLAPS Kurt and says "YOU BETTER NOT BE TALKING ABOUT ORALLY PLEASURING CHYNA, not that I care because we're not secretly back together!" And Kurt says "I'm not orally pleasuring Chyna!" and Karen says "GOOD I MEAN BAD" and storms out. Then CHYNA comes out from under the desk where she's been sucking off Kurt (of course, that's the only reason to ever have a desk in wrestling!) and says "hey, is she going to turn on Jeff tonight and get back with you?" and Angle says "yeah, it's pretty obvious!" and Chyna just shrugs and goes back under the desk.

Eric Young comes out to the ring dressed as Duke "The Dumpster" Droese (I'm sure all fans will get this reference!) and sadly says "the chickens are all dead", salutes, then walks backstage again right away. This is the beginning of an ongoing storyline which could somehow link in with the Abyss story somehow!

Now it's time for Hulk Hogan's match with AJ Styles with Mick Foley as guest referee! As soon as the bell rings, Mick punches AJ in the back of the head knocking him out (he was supposed to do a double arm DDT but he's too fat!) Then Hogan smiles and hugs Mick (how can he get his arms all the way round!?) and covers AJ with one foot (Hogan can't bend over!) and Foley counts the three (with his fingers, he can't bend over!) Then Hogan says "hahaha, BROTHERS!" then Mick says "you STINKING FANS you didn't buy my last book, I should read the Tori Amos chapter to you RIGHT NOW to teach you a lesson, but the Hulkster has promised to finance and publish my fifth book which will detail this very angle you're watching right now, bang bang!" Then Jeff Jarrett runs out with three guitars and say "Hulkster, you usually play air guitar...but tonight THE BAND are going to play REAL GUITARS!" and Hogan, Foley and Jarrett play guitars for ten minutes! Then Foley says "oh yeah, the network has said that you, Jeff Jarrett, will wrestle Kurt Angle in a no DQ match RIGHT NOW!" and Jarrett's jaw drops in shock!

Then Jarrett is waiting in the ring when a FIREMAN comes out and says "I'm here to set the ring on fire for the fire match!" and Jeff says "whoah there, slapnuts, this is a no dq match now!" and the fireman says "oh yeah? Then I guess this is NICE AND LEGAL!" and hits Jarrett with a fire extinguisher and it's Kurt Angle! Then Kurt just beats Jarrett in the head repeatedly with the fire extinguisher for five minutes until he's bleeding all over the place until finally Karen Angle runs out! Then Karen begs Kurt to stop and he does and Karen helps Jeff up (he's still alive, don't worry!)...and gives him a LOWBLOW! Then Kurt and Karen MAKE OUT with tongues and fondling! But then when Kurt turns his back, Karen gives HIM a lowblow! Then Jarrett pops up and wipes the blood away and says "ha, I was wearing a CUP, me and Karen set this up, she FAKED that orgasm you gave her last night!" But then KURT pops up too and reveals HE was wearing a cup and says "Haha, guess what, I KNEW, I fake MY orgasm too!" then CHYNA comes out from under the ring and gives Jeff a lowblow and Kurt rubs the cup in Karen's face! Then Kurt sprays the fire extinguisher in his mouth to celebrate and says "tastes like milk!"

Until next time, say your prayers, follow me on twitter and drink your milk!

SIN CARA ASKED BY WWE IF HE COULD WORK WITH ANYONE IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD IT BE AND HE REPLIES "A REALLY GOOD EDITOR"? THAT BLOND GIRL FROM TOUGH ENOUGH WHO WAS PRETTY HOT TO JOIN ROH? GREAT KHALI TO START WRESTLING IN SHORTS TO SCARE HIS OPPONENTS? VINCE MCMAHON KEEPS SHOWING UP AT RAW, DELETING ZACH RYDER'S MATCHES FROM THE SHOW, THEN JUST LEAVING AGAIN, SMILING TO HIMSELF THAT HE'S GOT ONE OVER ON THE INTERNET LOSERS? DH SMITH TO DEBUT NEW RODEO CLOWN GIMMICK AT SUMMERSLAM? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LITA WHICH ARE ACTUALLY JUST MATT HARDY IN A LITA WIG AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE

Wrestlemania

2011-04-04T11:51:00.000-07:00

List of things more important than Daniel Bryan and Shameus: The Rock walking to the ring really slowly, The Rock running through his catchphrases, Edge and Christian smashing up a car a bit, Snoop, Hornswoggle breaking character and speaking English, Eve Torres wearing a dress, Mae Young, Pee Wee Herman, Drew Carey, Orton/Punk video package, Austin drinking beer, Lawler pretending to drink beer, Booker doing the Spinaroonie, Austin stunning Booker for no reason, Austin stunning Josh Matthews for no reason, video of Fan Axxess, adverts for Tough Enough, Snooki, Triple H getting two full entrances, Undertaker selling, Miz music video, religious Cena video, choir singing, Rock burying Miz.

Wrestlemania 27

2011-04-02T08:30:00.001-07:00

I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania is JUST arround teh cornar! This year is ALL ABOUT The Rock who of course has amazingly returned to the WWE FULL TIME (well, he's back FULL TIME during the shows that he's actually on. The rest of the time he's still in Hollywood) to make Cena look even more shit than we all thought possible! Cena looks so bad compared to The Rock that viewers will be carving their eyes out if they have to keep watching Cena after WrestleMania! And also Triple will fight The Undertaker because niether of them have anything better to do and neither of them will even wrestle in the run up to WrestleMania because they'be both literally said that no one else is good enough to belong in the ring with them and there isn't even a proper storyline for the match, they both just come out every week and literally say "we're going to wrestle at WrestleMania AND IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MATCH ON THE CARD!" and that's it. It will be a great show for getting new talent over!

Jeff Hardy has gone crazy on TNA ppv! Hundreds of people have been tweeting me (Follow me on twitter!) asking if this was a work, a shoot, a worked shoot, a shot work or a whoot! The truth is a mixture of all six! The original plan was a plain, straightforward everyday worked shoot written by Russo but plans changed when Jeff ate some Wooden Cheese pills and got high (I used to eat them at parties, they merked my melon up, man!) Luckily Russo got drunk (ON THE LORD!?) and posted teh original booking sheet on his facebook for 17 seconds before Dixie made him erase it (they were in bed together at the time, that's how he keeps his job!) and I manged to copy and paste it before it was gone!

"Okay you mooks, listen up, I'll say this only once. Or, more accurately, type it only once. I've come up with an angle so confusing, so illogical, that no one, probaby not even the people involved, will be able to tell if it's real or not! It starts with Jeff Hardy's music playin' for the main event and he comes out WALKING BACKWARDS! That's the first mindfuck right there. Jeff says "hey, the reason I'm walking backwards from your point of view is because time is flowing backwards for me and I just came from the future where my match with Sting has already happened and I WON so there's no reason to have this match tonight, bye!" and starts to walk away (backwards) when STING runs out to no music in street clothes (why isn't he dressed for the match? Just one of the mysteries that'll get the internet smarks talking!) and beats up Jeff with a baseball bat until he's just a bloodstain on the mat! Sting goes for the cover but the referee looks at him close and says "that's not Jeff!" and then the REAL Jeff comes out from under the ring smoking a blunt and blows smoke in Sting's eyes and he's BLINDED and Jeff hits him with a PINK baseball bat! Mike Tenay instantly says "THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SHANNON MOORE DISGUISED AS JEFF THE FIRST TIME" to explain what happened to any of the slower viewers! Jeff goes up for the Swanton but then he SLIPS and falls to the floor and the referee does an "X" right directly into the camera so that the mooks thinks it's a work, but then he does a "Y" to the camera for half a second to confuse everyone! Then Sting hops out to the floor and hurts his ankle jumping out and both men are counted out and Tenay says "WHAT WAS THAT!!!" This will really confuse those mook marks and get them talking on the internets!"

While that would have been RUSSO'S BEST ANGLE IN FOURTEEN YEARS, unfortuantely Jeff ruined it by getting high FOR REAL on Purple Waterfall pills (I ate one to impress a girl once, I ended up wearing my shoes on my hands! Still got laid!) and Sting had to SHOOT SHOOT on him with a Shoot Scropion Deathdrop (which is a real shoot MMA move in Japan where Rikodizan once beat Kenta Misawa with one in the notorious Big Egg shoot!) and a shoot pin for the win!

GLAAD (which stands for Gays and Lesbians Are A-okay, Doodz!) have stopped John Cena from saying anything homophobic! They did this be cunningly releasing a statment reading "Hmm, John Cena seems to have a problem with gay people. Could it be because HE is, in fact, SECRETLY GAY himself?!" Cena responded on Twitter by saying "damn it, now I can't make fun of gays without everyone thinking I'm gay myself WHICH I'M NOT, thanks a lot GLAAD you homos!" which he deleted eight seconds later but I saw it! Cena now only has poop based insults left in his arsenal...until some Pro Poop group goes after him that is! WWE will get revenge on GLAAD for forcing them to enter the 21st century by bringing back The Right To Censor but they'll be called Glad To Censor and wear RAINBOW TIES and their members will be Patt Pattersson, The Brooklyn Brawler, Awesmazing Kong and Evan Bourne (come on, we all suspected it)!

Finlay has been released! Finlay (68) was fired after a house show where he booked Miz to urinate on the american flag for cheap heat! In actual fact it was a CANADIAN flag just painted to look like an american flag and Miz's urine would wash the paint away revealing a canadian flag and Miz would say "haha, I made you care about Canada!" But some IDIOT bought urine proof paint and it wouldn't wash off! Unfortunately for Finlay, the entire National Guard were at this house show and were disgraced by this urinating on an apparent american flag (they would have been fine if it was canadian, of course!) and told their representative Sargent Slaughter to have Finlay deported back to Ireland to eat potatoes! He will never be seen again.

Speaking of releases, WWE plans to fire lots of jobbers and less attractive Divas after WrestleMania! This means 90 days later a new group named PAST ENDEAVOURS (it's a pun!) will invade TNA! They will consist of Tyler Rex, Chris Masters, Primo, Zach Ryder (sorry internet, he's gone!), Kurt Hawkins, Rosa Mendes, Beht Phoenix, Tyson Kid, DH Smith, That Fat Guy From NXT, That Bland Guy From NXT (which one!?) and their leader R Truth! They will DOMINATE TNA...for one week until they all start in-fighting and turning on each other! So there will be a "reverse pink slip battle royal" match where the first one to get into the ring and grab the pinkslip gets to fire everyone else (for real, since Dixie will have lost millions on Jeff Hardy's legal fees by this point!) ERIC YOUNG who was fired the week before will win, dressed as Papa Shango.

The reason why Melina doesn't have papz photographing her on the way to the ring anymore is that the magazines stopped buying the photos!

Book reviews!

Chris Jericho's Undisputed - If you read "A Lion's Tail" and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a good book, but it would be EVEN BETTER if he skipped over much of the wrestling stuff and covered some of his greatest matches in barely any detail, BUT went into an insane amount of detail about his music and failed acting career since that's what wrestling fans are really interested in and of course if he cut the book off right before his WWE comeback in 2007 even though he could have easily written about it!" then this is the book for you! Apparently Jesus help him write it, which explains what happened to Carlito's old bodyguard I suppose!

Mick Foley's Countdown To Lockdown - If you read The Hardcore Diaries and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a pretty bad and pointless book and downright creepy in the chapters about Melina. The only way it could be worse is if Foley writes a sequel which is nothing more than a series of first draft blog posts about a TNA match everyone forgot five minutes after it happened with transcripts of TNA promos that nobody cared about at the time and will care less even less about now and no attempt at all to explain Russo's completely non-sensical booking, mixed in with some ranmbling pointless chapters about meeting famous people and getting a boner watching a woman's breasts on a tv show and worst of all a chapter about steriods that appears to end by saying "maybe steriods aren't so bad even though many heavy steriod users in wrestling have died before the age of 40, bang bang!" and no real details at all in the only potentially interesting chapter about him leaving WWE after Vince shouted down his headset" then this it the toilet paper for you!

MMMMMMGoldust by Dustin Rhunnels - Terrible! Sure he talks about his boring crack addiction (who hasn't been addicted to crack at once point in their life!) but he completely skips the real life gay sex affair he had with Marc Mero in 1998 when they both realised Terri and Sable were too good for them!

Big Vis: A Big Heart - Amazing book! Packed full of sexy stories about the many Dvias Vis slept with and the food they used during their love making! Also has many crazy tales of Mo (that guy was a loose cannon!) and Oscar (he was pretty boring, really) from Men On A Mission! Nine hundred pages long but I read it in one day it was so good, a must read for all wrestling fans!

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday! On paper it looks like a pretty average show until you remember that THE ROCK is hosting it which means it'll be THE BEST SHOW EVER even better than those WrestleManias THe Rock actually wrestled on!

Since Jerry Lawyer and Michale Cole have a match and Jim Ross is still ugly, the announcers for the show will be Josh Matthews, Booker T, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Kelly Kelly!

Randy Orton versus CM Punk - Orton just utterly destroys Punk for five minutes then says "you know what Punk, there's SOMEBODY ELSE who wants revenge on you too!" and you see his HOT FAKE WIFE driving down the aisle in the tour bus (for safety reasons she has to drive really slowly so it takes her five minutes to get there during which Punk doesn't move an inch!) Then hot wife says "you know what? I like REAL MEN!" and runs at Orton like she's going to kick him in the balls, but then she SWERVES at the last minute and punts Punk in the head! "That's why I married you, the real man Randy Orton!" she adds. Punk is then drafted to Smackdown where he turns faces and feuds with Drew McIntyre over Kelly Kelly's love! And Orton's wife wins the Diva's title the next night on RAW.

Shameus versus Daniel Bryan - Due to time restraints (need more time for Triple H and Undertaker interviews, videos, entrances!) the match only lasts four minutes and it's just Shameus beating up Bryan and Bryan cowering and covering up in the corner before he gets the fluke win with a small package! And Bryan's new gimmick is that he's a coward who can only win with small packages because Vince finally watched one of his matches and thought it was unrealistic someone so short was hitting moves like dropkicks and upppercuts! And Bryan will started wearing glases and reading books on the way to the ring to make him look more nerdier.

The CorrE versus Big Show, Kane, Santino and Koslaugh - Before the match Kofi Kingstone comes down to the ring and says "hey mon, I taught I was in dis match mon!" and everyone looks at him in disgust then Santino gives him The Cobra and knocks him out and Kofi's carried away on a stretcher while a piped in "NA NA NA GOODBYE" song plays and he's Future Endeavoured~!~! the next day! Then Big Show destroys all of the Corre without tagging in any of his partners with his new finisher THE BUTTERFLY SUPLEX then destroys all his partners too to get him ready for his big main event push that'll probably last a month!

Rey Mysterio versus Cody Rhodes - Due to time restraints (need more time for all the old people to come out and wave in slow motion for the Hall Of Fame yawnfest!) the match only lasts two minutes! And Vince has instructed Cody to ONLY use headbutts to get his gimmick over so he just headbutts every part of Rey's body until he's finally read to headbutt Rey's head, but when he does his facemask SHATTERS and it's revealed Rey is wearing a METAL MASK! Rey then exposes a knee brace with a big spike sticking out of it and hits a 619 that takes out one of Cody's eyes! Rey then spits on Cody and says "NOT SO DASHING NOW" and then gives a 619 to Dusty who is frantically checking on his son and there's blood everywhere and Rey laughs and writes "DEATH" on his chest with the blood! Rey then pushes over some kids who try to slap his hand and says "I NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT EDDIE!" This could potentially turn him heel!

John Morrison, Trash Stratus and Snoopy versus Dolph Ziggler, Michelle McCool and Queen Layla - I know how this match SHOULD go! It SHOULD see Layla layout Michelle, Snooki and Vickie with the LayOut then take down that leather-skinned, fake-tanned, forty year old, no-implants having FAKE Trish with the Diamond Dust~!~!~!~! Then Morrison and Ziggler have a match to decide who gets to date Layla and they both collapse with exhaustion after twenty minutes and Layla says "I'll just snog with WILLIAM REGAL instead! Oh and by the way Kate Middleton your Royal Wedding is a sham because Prince William was mine before he was yours!" and does a Layla crotch chop!

Jerry "The King" Oliver versus Michael Cole - Austin will stun Jack Swagger right at the start and Swagger will roll under the ring and never be seen again! Lawler will charge at Cole and be surprised when Cole LEAPFROGS him! Lawler will charge again and once more fall victim to the LEAPFROG! Lawler will then look worried because he wasn't expecting Cole to know such technical wrestling moves! Then Grandmasta Sexay and Scotty Too Hotty come out holding hands! And GMS looks at Jerry like he's going to attack him but then they attacked Cole! And Grandmasta says "thanks for accepting our relationship and agreeing to marry us tomorrow night on RAW, pops!" (this is part of the GLAAD agreement!) Then Scotty will give Lawler THE WORM and Grandmasta says "hey, I thought I was the only one who got to see your worm in action and by that I mean your penis HAHA!" Then Lawler smiles and says "I love you, son, even if you are a fruit...cake!" which isn't in the script and will get Lawler sent to Gay Bootcamp by GLAAD right after the show! Then Rikisihi comes out and gives Cole a stinkface! Then X-Pac comes out and gives Cole a Bronco Buster! Then "here comes the money!" plays and SHANE O MAC IS BACK (he couldn't get a job anywhere else!) and he gives Cole the Van Shane-inator and says "POP POP!"! Then "I'm all grown up now and I've listened and read" plays and Stephanie comes out and gives Cole a pedigree! Then Hornswoggle comes out and gives Cole a Tadpole Splash (wearing a black armband for Finlay.) Then A MAN IN A MASK WHO LOOKS LIKE FINALY IN A MASK comes out and hits Cole with a Shillelagh! Then Stacy "The Kat" Carter comes out and gives Cole a weak stomp to the ribs! Kat then says "Sorry for cheating on you with The Dupps, Jerry!" and Jerry says "I'm surprised you remember The Dupps" and Kat says "yeah, I guess they weren't very meorable wrestlers" and Jerry says "no, I mean I'm surprised you remember sleeping with them after the thousands of DISEASED COCKS you've had inside you over the years!" and gives her a piledriver on a steel chair (strangely no one complains about this part!) because WrestleMania isn't PG! Then Booker T comes into the ring and gives Cole a Spinaroonie! Then JIM ROSS walks out but he falls going up the steps and lies in agony on the floor saying "OWW, GOSH DARN IT TO HECK, I CAN'T EVEN WALK UP STEPS NO MORE, MAYBE I AIN'T CUT OUT TO BE AN ANNOUNCER AFTER ALL!" (JR only agreed to do and say this because Vince promised that he'd give JR his job back the next night on RAW if he did. Deep down inside, JR knew that Vince was obviously lying but went ahead with it anyway in the vain hope that Vince was telling the truth!) Then finally Lawler pins Cole after a fistdrop holding a ROLL OF DIMES in his fist! But then Vince McMahon comes out and says "by the way this match was NON SANCTIONED and therefore you still haven't had a match on a WrestleMania, HAHA, PAL!" and spits on him and the GLAD TO CENSOR drag Lawler away before he can fight back! This sets up Lawler/McMahon at WM28 in his REAL first WM match!

Edge versus Roberto Del Rio - The referee is bumped by Big Brutus Clay and then Christian gets in the ring with a chair and Edge says "you know what to do!" and Christian says "yes I do....DEAR BROTHER!!!!" and hits EDGE with the chair! Then Christian laughs evily! But then Edge pops right up and gives Christian the Running Hug! Edge grabs da mike and says "you fool, I KNEW you were going to turn heel on me by hitting me with a steel chair, that's why I replaced all the steel chairs with RUBBER CHAIRS!" Then Edge hits the Running Hug on Del Rio for the win! This is because management has lost faith in DelRio for no reason and he'll spend the next six months jobbing to Sin Cara (don't worry, management will have lost faith in Sin Cara by the end of the year and he'll be teaming with Yoshi Tatus as Team Mexipan and jobbing to the UFOs (the repackages Usos who come to the ring in a flying saucer!)!)!

The Undertaker versus Triple HHH - Undertaker starts things off by hitting his WRESTLEMANIA DIVE before Undertaker can even get in the ring but using INVISIBLE WIRES (watch out for them!) so that he doesn't die! They slow things down by hitting their finisher moves ten times each and kicking out. Then Shawn Michaels comes sliding down to the ring and HHH says "did you find them?" and Shawn says "yes BUT I WANT NO PART OF THIS" and just slides back up the aisle! And then THE DX THEME plays and Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, X-Pac (again!), Chyna, DX Tori and Jim Neidhart (he was an official member!) all run out and attack The Undertaker! But Undertaker just easily fights them off because they all suck! BUT THEN the DX theme plays again and KANE comes out wearing the DX GREEN AND BLACK at last and with green pyro, just as I reported he would in 1998! Then Kane looks at The Undertaker and smiles...THEN CHOKESLAMS TRIPLE H! No one saw it coming! Then Undertaker gets teh pin and says "Kane never really tried to kill me last year, it was all a set up to screw over DX!" and does an Undertaker crotch chop (which is similar to a Layla crotch chop!?) Undertaker and Kane then date LayCool for a year until Triple H just randomly shows up on the RAW before WrestleMania 28 and says "Undertaker. Me. You. WrestleMania."

John Cena versus The Miz - Miz wins with the Skull Crushing Finale after five minutes when The Rock spits water in Cena's eyes. Seriously. That's the finish. This isn't even a joke. I'm not making it up. This is literally what will happen at WrestleMania. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Real Main Event - Then Cena says "Okay, Rock, let's do it, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!!!!" and Rock says "JUST BRING IT, DUDE!" and Cena says "I AM BRINGING IT!" and Rock says "BUT YOU AIN'T NO SINGING IT!" then they sing "Smackdown Hotel for five minutes!" But then finally they're about to fight FOR REAL when Rikishi (again!) comes out! Rikishi says "hold on a minute, fellas! I've got a lot in common with both of you! Cena, you and I both love hip hop. And Rock, I ran over Austin for you. So there's a connection between the three of us. And that's why I'm here to tell you two not to fight! Let's just GET DOWN instead!" Then Rock and Cena looked at each other and nod and then BEAT UP RIKISHI with a simultanious People's Elbow and Five Nuffle Shuffle (he'll be dead!) Then Rock says "you know what, Cena, beating the shit out of Rikish was fun, but there's still an issue between us that can only be settled in one way...with us going ONE ON ONE...in my new movie, Spy Versus Spy, co-starring you!" then Cena says "Rock...it would be an honor!" and they pose! And Rock never wrestles again which is just as well since he's punches on RAW looked shit!

Of all the WrestleMania's this will be the 27th of them!

Back never with more Not Hewz!

LAYLA TO COUNTER THE MATRISH MOVE BY TICKLING TRISH'S CLIT? ENGLAND DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET LAYLA DEPORTED BACK TO THEIR STUPID COUNTRY BECAUSE THEY NEED HER BACK FOR TOURISM? LAYKELLY VERSUS MCMELINA NOW SET FOR WRESTLEMANIA 28? LAYLA AND BATISTA HAD SECRET CHILD WHO WILL DEBUT WITH WWE IN 2025 AS BATISTEL AND DOMINATE LIKE NEVER BEFORE? LAYLA MORE INTERESTING AND MORE TALENTED THAN ENTIRE TNA ROSTER, YES INCLUDING AJ STYLES, HE'S NOT THAT GOOD REALLY, THE SPINAL TAP NEVER EVEN HITS HIS OPPONENT? MATT HARDY HARRASSING LAYLA WITH "JOKE" TWEETS ABOUT MASTURWANKING OVER HER, LAYLA REPLIES THAT SHE PREFERS IT WHEN EDGE MASTURWANKS OVER HER? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LAYLA FROM WHEN SHE WAS A PAGE 3 GIRL IN ENGLAND WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

ROYAL RUMBLE

2011-01-30T07:55:00.000-08:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that it's 2011! The year that *I* PREDICTED back in 2003 that the WWE would go out of business FOREVER! So that's something to look forward to! Also in big newz the ROYAL RUMBLE is coming up soon and it will have 40 superstars in it (ten good ones) making it the biggest Royal Rumble EVER! I'll have FULL ENTIRE spoilers for that event in an upcoming paragraph!

But FIRST some general newz and musing and maybe even some newzings! If you want up do date newz just follw my twitter! My first musing: WHY was Anne Hathaway signed to play Catwoman in the new Batman movie when Layla El would be MUCH better and more approrpriate? For a start Layla can already kick ass as she is a legit shooter and once made Kelly Kelly (the legit SECOND TOUGHEST Diva!) tap out backstage in a fight over shoes! Second everyone knows that Catwoman is supposed to be BLACK like the original Catwoman Hayley Berry was! ANd third I want to masturwank over Layla's ass in tight leather! I will masturwank over Anne Hathaway when I see the movie in the theatre, of course (I've got a semi-on just thinking about it!), but I'll be secretly wishing it was Layla!

Tought Enough is coming back! Toucgh Enough is responsible for creating HUGE STARS like Maven (Umm, he dropkicked the Undertaker once), Jackie Gaydar (she outed Evan Bourne!), Nidia (a slut) and Chris "Harvard" Harvard (he ruined wrestling and made it boring and PG by getting chairshots to the head and everything else fun banned, THANKS A LOT PROFESSOR DORKIUS!) Perhaps the winner of this new Tough Enough can fight the winner of the next season of NXT on a C-level PPV while Michael Cole completely buries the match! If they're lucky!

The Dvia Search is also coming back! John Laurinaitis has been CAREFULLY selecting the girls who will take part by browsing BIKINISLUTS.com and saying "I WANT THAT ONE!" when he gets an erection! But things have changed since the awesome Diva search that Layla won (in a SHOOT) and even the mediocre one that Eva won (she looks hot at first, but the more you look the more "meh" she becomes!) This Diva Search will take up twenty minutes of every RAW and of course be hosted by MICHAEL COLE who will spend the entire thing talking about how ugly the women are, how lame the competition is and how stupid the viewers are for watching this crap! Ha! That'll get ratings up! The winner will get to be in a love triangle story with the winner of NXT and the winner of Tough Enough until all three are released as soon as it's contractually possible!

Triple H is now finally the head booker of the WWE! It happened after Vince went totally insane ! After losing her election (what kind of a loser can't even beat a Democrat, lol!), Linda came home one day to find Vince sitting in his underpants staring at a stain on the wall! When Linda asked what he was dong Vince said "I'm watching that DAMN JR! I know he's been stealing my hair and trying to get the lightheavyweights over! I'M WATCHING YOU, PAL!" then tried to give the stain on the wall a Stone Cold Stunner! And the craziest thing was that the stain on the wall didn't look anything like JR, it looked more like Joey Styles! As a result of Vince's obvious crazinsanity, Linda said "Triple H, can you take over my husband's duties?" and Triple H said "well, gee, Linda, you're hot and everything, but I'm married to your daughter! But I'll book the WWE for you at least!"

HHH's first move as new booker was to "bury the fuck out of Sheamus because that pale bastard's gotten too big for his boots!" His second move was to sign Amazing Kong to a TEN YEAR contract! The plan is for Kong WEARING A MASK to keep attacking and powerbombing Rey Mysterio every week for six months until finally Rey rips the mask off and says "you're a woman! I can't hit a woman!" So Rey gets his new girlfriend LATIN LUCY (from CMLAAA in Mexico!) to take out Kong with a flippy-floppy armdrag! HHH's THIRD move was to hire Randy Savage to promote some shitty new video game after Stephanie told him it was a all a bit mistake and Savage DIDN'T take her virginity...Akeen did! Savage just got the sloppy seconds!

Ric Flair has gone crazy in Europe! It all started in GERMANY when Flair did a NAZI STRUT down to the ring and said "Wooooo! Listen up, sausage-munchers! I might be a blond-eyed, blue-haired NATURE BOY, woooooo, who Hitler would admire, but I ain't no damn NAZI like all of you, wooooo!" and took backdrop bump! Flair then bladed and rang backstage and Jeff Jarrett said "gosh darn it, Ric, you can't do that, I know you fought in the war but it's over now!" and Flair said "SHUT UP, FATBOY, give me five hundred thousand dollars in advance so I can buy a ring for a German girl I'm going to marry and another five hundred thousand for the divorce settlement, wooooo!" and did a Flair Flop! While he was down selling it, everyone just ran away and took the bus to Glasgow (it's near Germany!) But Flair HITCHHIKED al the way, showed up and said "look, woooo, I'm sorry for asking for all that money, I forgot to ask that German to marry me anyway and scottish girls are ugly so I won't be getting engaged here, so let's forget the whole thing, woooo!" and elbow dropped a shoe and put a dog in the figure four! Unfortunately he'd showed up at a daycare rather than at the TNA house show so they kicked him out when he started twirling his penis around shouting "COME OUT, JARRETT, I KNOW YOU'RE HIDING BEHIND ONE OF THESE KIDS, WOOO!" That's our crazy Flair!

Mick Foley is writing yet another book! It will be called Countdown To Lockdown Reaction and will feature Foley attacking anyone who dared say Countdown To Lockdown was anything less than perfect and will explain why all his ponitless Rocky quotes randomly inserted throughout the book and completely ruining the flow of whichever chapter they interrupted were actually REALLY FUNNY! There will also be more transcripts of TNA promos that no one cared about at the time let alone now and a 38 page chapter detailing yet another angle he's written for himself and Melina! It will end with a long chapter where he completely betrays his Democratic beliefs and explains why everyone really should have voted for Linda McMahon and the Republicans and can I have a job please Vince! Should be a hoot!

I fucking hate Mister Anderson.

The Royal Rumble is this Sunday! Whenever I give away the results of a show the WWE CHANGES THE BOOKING so that the results are different and I look like a liar. But I'm not a liar, they are! So this time I've decided to just FANTAZY BOOK the whole thing so that WWE doesn't have to change everythign! Or am I REALLY giving away the REAL results secretly!? FIND OUT ON SUNDAY!

First match is Edge versus Dolph Ziggler with the spear BIZZANNED! How will Edge win without his patented running hug!? Easy, he uses an INVERTED SPEAR (feet first!) to pin Ziggler in four seconds! Then Vickie says "Dolph, you're a loser, you're dumped!" and gives him a Banzai Drop! Then as Dolph is walking up the asile looking sad, Randy Orton is walking by on the way for his match and gives Dolph an RKO and says "who the hell was that guy?" Ha! That'll teach Dolph that just because you get put in a world title match doesn't mean you're actually going to get a decent push and not be treated like a joke! He'll never be so arrogant as to try to work hard to get to a main event level again!

The Miz versus Randy Orton is next! Miz gets the CLEAN PIN with a top rope Skull Crushing Finale! Then after Randy Orton pulls the canvas up to reveal a piece of STEEL underneath where his face hit! So it's kind of controversial I guess! Then Miz winks at Michael Cole and says "thank for dropping by the STEEL FACTORY for me, babes!"

Natalaya versus LayCool is next! LayCool win when ASTONISHING KONG runs (wobbles) out to the ring and gives Nattie a chokeslam! Layla then says "this is my cousin from England and she's ROYALTY, it's Princess Konga!" Then does the Layla Dance!

After all these many great matches it is finally time for the historic history making forty man Royal Rumble! Number one is JOHN CENA! He does a stupid "aww, shucks" face that makes me want to punch him as he walks out! Number two is...CM PUNK!!?!?!? That's right! Then three is HEATH SLATER. Four is DAVID OTUNGA. Five is JUSTIN GABRIEL. Six is THAT TALL GUY IN NEW NEXUS. Sensing a pattern yet? Number seven is...BOB BACKLUND! The first mystery entity! And he shakes hands with everyone then climbs out over the top rope and walks away through the crowd shaking hands, making the whole thing pointless! Anyway the rest of the Nexxus and Corre guys come in and then they all SMILE at each other then they all SCOWL at Cena and it turns out the whole Neww Nexxus/Corre feud was a SCAMOLA to screw Cena and they eliminate him! But Cena eliminates like six of them anyway so they don't have an advantage or anything.

Numbet twelve is PRIMO who makes an impact by dropicking someone then taking a dangerous bump on being eliminated that the camera doesn't even see! Then more people come in like Darren Young, R Truth, Yoshi Tatus, Stevie Richards (he's back!) then all four just stand there waiting for KANE to come out and eliminate them and make his pyro go off and Cole says "CAN ANYONE STOP KANE" and WELL IT'S THE BIG SHOW and he stops Kane (eliminates him from the Rumble)! Then Daniel Bryan comes in and Cole says "OH YEAH, GREAT, THIS NERD, THIS GEEK, THIS PANTY-EATER, THIS BICYCLE REPAIRMAN, NEVER EVEN HAD A GIRLFRIEND EXCEPT GAIL KIM AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE HIPS, ANYONE WHO HAS EVER ENJOYED ONE OF HIS MATCHES IS A MORONTARD!" Then Bryan eliminates Big Show the same way Chris Benoit did that one year (Lawler: "I've never seen that before!") and Stryker says "WHO'S THE LOOSER NOW, COLE?" and Cole says "I didn't call him a looser!" and Stryker says "pointless AWA reference!" And Bryan does the Daniel Bryan Dance (which is oddly sexier than the Layla Dance!) And the match CONTINUES!

More people come in including ZACH RYDER (WHO HIDES UNDER THE RING) utnil MARK HENRY comes in and eliminates like three jobbers and he looks to be UNSTOPPABLE until the return of THE GREAT KHALIE who has slimmed down and shaved his head BALD and has a tattoo of a tiger on his back and wrestles in leather chaps now and is now managed by Kaitlyn! And he and Henry elimiante each other to set up a WrestleMania match! Then of course Fucking Hornswoggle comes in for a "comedy" bit and eliminates Jack Swagger then pisses on swagger and his urine is green and is never officially eliminated so next year I make a joke about Hornswoggle running in at the end and eliminating the winner because he was never officially eliminated! And also William Regal comes in and does like one uppercut then gets eliminated but everyone on Death Valley Driver acts like he outworked everyone else in the match! And also Drew McIntyre who turns face by eliminating Punk (earlier on the show he grabbed Kelly Kelly's tits!) and setting up their WrestleMania match (did you really thin they'd let Punk face Cena at WrestleMania? LOL!)

Finally it gets up to number 30 (the returning STEVIE RAY who comes out to Booker T's music then says "that's right, it's me! You all remember me!" ((no one does)) "I can't say 'SAD SACK FURITY BOOTIES' on PG WWE but just type it into YouTube and then you'll see!" and gets eliminated by Kofi Kingstone right away then Ron Simmons walks out and says "DAMN!" which makes no sense and isn't funny but we all laugh anyway!) Then it's time to get SERIOUS with KING SHAMEUS, REY MYSTERIO, ALBERTO DEL RIO, Ted Debiase (joke lol, he lasts eight seconds!) and THE RETURN OF TRIPLE H! He tosses King Shameus like a pannedcake! Number 38 is another mystery entrant...KEVIN NASH! He starts to walk slightly briskly on the way to the ring then collapses moaning "oww, I tore a quad again!" So he never makes it to the ring and it's down to just Triple H, Rey, Daniel Bryan (could he pull off the upset!?) and Alberto until number 39's music hits...it's Batista! He comes out carrying an unconcious/dead Cena on his shoulder and gives him a spinebuster right on the ramp and says "RRRRRAAARGH!" He eliminates Rey, Bry and Alberto in four seconds! He keeps Triple H in longer to TORTURE him and ALL HOPE IS LOST until number 40's music hits...DO YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!?!?!?! A man comes out wearing a mask but with the Rock's BODY and TATTOOS and SKIN TONE (not being racist!) and gives Batista THREE ROCK BOTTOMS and FOUR PEOPLE'S ELBOWS and eliminates him! He then says "I forgive you, Paul!" to Triple H and jumps over the top rope to leave! He's stops at the top of the stage as the fans are chanting "Rocky!" and starts to take his mask off to prove that it's really him and not some cheap trick to get Royal Rumble Rock Returns trending on Twitter...when suddenly Yoshi Tatus spits RED MIST in his face completely covering it up so we never know if it's him and he falls off the stage through ten tables and Cole says "he's dead now, let's never speak of him again."

So Triple H is alone in the ring and he has one...except ZACH RYDER was hiding under the ring all along and he comes out to a massive pop and charges HHH...and get's backdropped out and HHH wins (of course!) Triple H then says "Miz...at Wrestlemania...the only thing that's going to be 'awesome' is the BUY RATE thanks to all the people ordering to see me KICK YOUR TEETH OFF! SUCK IT!"

Of all the Royal Rumbles in history this will certainly be one of them! Back never with nore Not Newz!

THE FOLLOWING AD SPACE HAS BEEN PAID FOR BY MATT HARDY. REASONS WHY MATT HARDY RULES, NUMBER ONE-AAAAAAAAAAH. HE INVENTED THE SWANTON (HE'S THE OLDER BROTHER SO IT MAKES SENSE, HE HAD INVENTED EIGHT HUNDRED MOVES BY THE TIME JEFF WAS BORN) BUT LET HIS LITTLE BROTHER JEFF USE IT. NUMBER TWO. HE'S SEXY. NUMBER THREE. SHANNON MOORE SAID SO! NUMBER FOUR. IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY THAT TIME HE WANTED TO BE CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPION SO LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT, EVEN IF HE STOLE THE IDEA FROM JERICHO IN WCW! NUMBER FIVE. THE SECOND ROPE LEGDROP, OF COURSE! VAL VENIS? YOU SON OF A BIZZLE, I'M CALLING YOU OUT. ANY PARKING LOT IN THIS COUNTRY, I'LL FIGHT YOU THERE! AS LONG AS A LCOAL INDIE WRESTLING COMPANY IS PUTTING ON A SHOW IN THAT PARKING LOT, OF COURSE. I'VE GOT MORE TWITTER FOLLOWERS THAN YOU HAVE BRAINCELLS! I'VE GOT MORE FRIENDS ON MYSPACE THAN YOU HAVE TESTICLES! I SHOOT PUNCHED OUT CM PUNK FOR INSULTING MY BROTHER AND THAT'S THE REAL REASON WWE RELEASED ME! ASK SHANNON MOORE, HE WAS THERE SOMEHOW! YOU WANT A SHOOT MMA MATCH? WELL I'LL GIVE YOU ONE...TO THE EXTREME! REALLY THOUGH WE SHOULD BE FRIENDS SINCE EDGE CHEATED ON YOUR SISTER WITH LITA, REMEMBER? HAHA, CRAZY DAYS. NO, BUT I HATE YOU. YOUR MATCH WITH D'LO AT SUMMERSLAM 98 WAS HIGHLY OVERRATED! PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LITA I TOOK WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER, THAT'S RIGHT WE SLEPT TOGETHER ALMOST A DOZEN TIMES AND SOMETIMES SHE DIDN'T EVEN YELL EDGE'S NAME AND SHE HAS A SECRET TATTOO ON HER ASS THAT READS "I LOVE MATT THE MOST HE'S LOVELY" BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY PICS OF THAT SO DON'T ASK FOR ANY AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOGCHIVE CLICK HERE!

14/11/2010

2010-11-14T12:30:00.000-08:00

I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that I'm on Twitter! My previous account was deleted by Vince because I gave away EXACT details of his Freddie Prinze Junior dream sequence (except in my version Stephanie was wearing nothing but a BRA in bed! With erect nipples!), but he'll never find this twitter because I have added "316" to my name! Follow me to hear all the big scizzoops YEARS before the rest of the internet reports them! Here's my twitter!
In other mildly big newz, Linda McMahon has LOST the election! Linda got NO votes at all from ANYONE (despite Vince giving John Cena DVDs away to anyone who voted for her...or maybe BECAUSE of that!!!), but claimed it was a "moral victory for women everywhere" for some reason then did a crotch chop! This signalled that WWE is now changing from PG to PG13 which will mean SLIGHTLY more revealing outfits for Divas and Cena will be able to make poop jokes again! Also Stone Cold will come out and STUNNER the Anonymous GM computer (which will EXPLODE then NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN OR EXPLAINED IN ANY WAY) and say "WWE is cool again! I'm in some crap movies!" and walk out through the crowd! ALSO Nexxus will get its first FEMALE memember in AJ and Wade Barrett will say "it's not just Nexxus...now it's...SEXXUS!" then his microphone will be cut before he can say anything else so RAUNCHY! ALSO ALSO Val Venis will RETURN as a new character named MISTER POLITICIAN and will SMEAR choclate saucse all over Layla and Michelle McCool asks "what are you doing" and he says "a SMEAR CAMPAIGN, HEH HEH HEH!" ALSO ALSO ALSO Shad will return on Smackdown and say "I only voted for Obama because he's black" then beat Luke Gallows in 38 seconds then be sent back to FCW for eight months! Exciting thigns are coming!

THE LATEST ON UNDERTAKER VERSUS BROCK LESNAR AT WRESTLEMANIA: Brock will only agree to lose to Taker in a WORKED SHOOT if his wife Sable gets to beat Layla in a WORKED BIKINI CONTEST earlier on the show! While it is believable that Undertaker could beat Brock in a shoot (remember he has SOUP BONES on his side!) no one would ever believe Sable could beat Layla in a bikini contest so I hope WWE turns Brock down or else kayfabe will be dead FOREVER!

Alberto Dos Rios's personal ring announcer is played by other than Super Crazy's Dad, Super Pappi! Could this mean the MEIXCOOLS wll return soon? No, of course it coulnd't!

Lita has returned to RAW! Lita will be GRADUALLY introduced to RAW in longer and longer segments every week so as not to overload viewers with her hotness! She will finally wrestle in a three minute match against Alicia Fox in June 2011! Some people MIGHT be thinking that Lita has actually wanted to return for years, but had to wait until Matt Hardy was released because she knew he'd stalk her and follow her about saying "WEAR A THONG AGAIN, I NEED NEW MATTURWANK MATERIAL!" Those people are forgetting Matt was on Smackdown! Of course there was nothing to stop Matt flying to all the RAW shows and following Lita about, waiting until she kissed someone (let's face it, it would have happened eventually, the kissy hussy!), then jumping out of the bushes wearing a mask and shouting "I AM THE KISSING POLICE, YOU CANNOT KISS HERE!" then running away while Lita cries "Matt, I just want a normal life!" the tears running down her cleavage! Anyway, Matt will be too busy with his new YouTube show "Matt Hardy Clears Up Misconceptions In Videos That Cut Off In Mid Story And Also Here's Hurricane" to stalk Lita for at least a month and Lita has signed a five year contract which means she'll be 45 by the time it expires!

Lacey Von Eric has quit TNA! As soon as he heard this newz, JOHNNY ACE dived for his phone to call and invite her to "wrestle" for WWE before Playboy got in first and signed her to an exclusive nude contract! Expect to see her debut as Kelly Kelly's EVIL cousin soon!

I attended a TNA house show this week! I was lying on the sofa getting HOT AND HEAVY with my girlfriend when DON WEST threw a brick wrapped in TNA tickets through the window! Boy they're getting desperate! Unfortuanely my girlfriend couldn't come because her ex-boyfriend was getting out of prison that day (she had to go into hiding because she stole his car while he was locked up!) so I easily blended in with all the other dateless men at the TNA Zone!

Frist match was Jeff Jarrett versus Samoa Joe(~!) in a match to decide if the fans get BACKSTAGE PASSES! AS I understand it the heel ALWAYS wins this match on TNA house shows because you can't have the fans walking around backstage, there would be chaos! Before the match Jeff Jarrett said "You stinking fans, you all stink! You don't DESERVE to be backstage at a TNA show because you would smell the place out with your stink! I'd hit all you smellies with guitars if I could, but the stinking company that makes my breakaway guitars has gone out of stinking business and I only have one left! That stinks!" Then Joe came out to SAMOAN PIPE MUSIC and said "No Jeff, the only thing that STINKKS around here is...YOUR ATTITUDE! And my RAGING MALE PHEREMONES!" When the bell rang Joe ran at Jeff than kind of stumbled and slid on his ass across the ring and kind of barely kicked Jeff in the foot and said "OH, FUCK, I MESSED UP!" Which must have meant "I messed up HIS FOOT with my DEADLY KICK ATTACK!" because he scored the pin anyway then ran backstage hiding his face because he's so bashful!

This meant that we LUCKY FANS had all won backstage passes thanks to Joe! I was still suspicious and thought that TNA would have set up a FAKE backstage with FAKE wrestlers pretending to be TNA stars (they could put a homeless guy in a Sharkboy mask and no one would know the difference!) So I went backstage to investigate and of course to watch the Knockouts showering! I soon found out it was a REAL backstage and NOt fake when I walked by Hulk Hogan playing Guitar Hero with Jay Lethal! Hogan smiled at me and said "don't worry kid, my back isn't really injured at all! The nerves that were burned off? They were burned off my penis, brother, because sex is so pleasurable for the Hulkster that I can't stop doing it!" then had Jay inject painkillers into his spine! Jay said "he's nuts, this isn't even a guitar hero guitar!" and showed me it and it was in fact a REAL guitar! This seemed like a potentially HUGE story, but I had just spoted the Knockouts dressing room so I ran away and left Hogan drooling on the floor!

Luckily there was a gap behind the wall I could hide behind and watch the Knockouts showering through a hole in the wall (I think Don West must have made this hiding place because I found BEARD FUR inside!) It wasn't long before a beautiful naked knockout with long blond hair stood with her back to me and I started masturwankig! Just as I was finally getting going this knockout turned round...and she was Eric Young! In a blond wig! There was no way I could have known! I was angry and asked him where the Knockouts were and he said "the TNA Knockouts don't take showers, because they're DIRTY GIRLS with sexily transmitted diseases!" I then asked why HE was showering then and he said "because I knew you'd be watching!" I was disturbed by this but eventually he laughed and said "Nah, just playing, the reason the Knockouts aren't here is because they're having a REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL in the ring!" I said that still doesn't explain why he's in the Knockout's shower standing naked in front of a masturwanking wrestling journalist but he just shook his head sagely and said "doesn't it, Hot Newz? Doesn't it?" then skipped away!

I RAN at a hundred miles per whore back to the ring JUST IN TIME to see Sarita climb out of the cage leaving Madison Rayne alone in the ring as the LOOSER of the reverse battle royal (that's how reverse battle royals work, there's nineteen joint winniers and one loser!) I was DEVASTATED to have missed this hot and steamy Knockout action and actually started crying a bit, the first time wrestling made me cry since Crash Holly died! But then Jeremy Borash announced "and now as the LOSER, Madison's punishment will be a SPANKING from a fan!" As soon as I heard these words I jumped over the barricade and started climbing the cage to get to her! Security started climbing up after me but Borash called them back down, took a look at me, then gave me a thumbs up and said "GO FOR IT, KID!" Finally I was in the ring and Madison was bending over...unfortunately I must have BLACKED OUT because the spanking was TOO HOT because I can't remember ANYTHING that happened next! Don't worry, I'm undergoing HYPNOTIC REGGRESSION to get the hot memories back and once I have the details I'll tweet them all out in 140 sexy characters!

Anyway when I woke up Matt Morgan and Abyss were HUGGING(!?) in the ring with Team 3D lying DEAD (for all I knew!) in front of them! Morgan said "haha, together we can dominate like no other, AND ALL YOU STINKING FANS CAN'T STOP US!" and Abyss said "YESSSSSSSSSS HISSSSS!" I was SHOCKED at this turn of events because I couldn't remember if Matt Morgan was a face or a heel but it turned out to be all a SWERVE when Matt pulled a big monkey wrench out of his tights and smashed the back of Abyss's head in with it! And Abyess was bleeding all over the place and Matt said "SCREW YOU! I will never join you, you go around giving people concussions all the time when concussions are dangerous! Now I've given YOU a concussion so that you can feel what it's like!" and licked the blood off the monkey wrench! That makes him a face in TNA because he's all dark and edgy like Stone Cold or Han Solo!

Next up was Mister Anderson (urgh) versus The Pope (urgh) in a "microphone on a poll" match. Jeremy Borash (who was sitting beside me at this point sharing his popcorn with me) explained that the winner gets to cut an obnoxious promo with the microphone. I was happy when they both climbed up the poll at the same time and grabbed the microphone because I thought a draw meant NEITHER of the unlikable twats would get to speak, but unfonrtuantely they just cut a promo TOGETHER about "pimpin' assholes" or something (I had plugged my ears up with popcorn!) After getting to spank Madison Rayne earlier (even though I couldn't remember it) I had been ready to give TNA a GLOWING review on my blog which probably would have turned the ratings aroud. After this match I hated TNA again and decided that only a really great next match could save thigns...

The next match was Jay Lethal versus some Robbie Guy (NOT Robbie from the Highlanders I'm sorry to see, he's just too REAL for TNA! He'd rip up Russo's scripts and pour porridge all over the Knockouts!) for the X Division title! Three seconds into the match, MATT HARDY jumped the barricade and kind of gave Robbie somethign resembling a Twist Of Fate and Jay just shrugged and walked away. Matt grabbed a microphone and said "YOU! DIXIE CARTER! ABUSE OF POWER! HIRE ME! I'M ALREADY HIRED! HIRE ME! I'M ALREAY HIRED!" to the confusion of all! RHYNO then ran out wearing a shirt that said "SECURITY" and GORED Matt and Matt puked all over the ring! Rhyno then said "When Mister Eric Bischoff offered me a job in security I decided it was TOO FUCKING SUH-WEET to pass up!" then spat on Matt and ran out through the crowd slapping hands! So needless to say I loved TNA again after this match!

Next up was hot steamy tag action with AJ Styles and Kazabian versus Stevie Richards and Tommy Dreamer! And if you think this was bound to be a classic match...you're an idiot, it was a Tommy Dreamer match! It sucked while he was in the ring! Fortunately it was GREAT while Doctor Stevie was in the ring since he's the most underrated worker since Phineas Godwinn! Stevie did look a bit distracted because I kept shouting "REMEMBER STEVIE NIGHT HEAT, THAT WAS AWESOME!" at the top of my voice for the entire match, but I had to make him remember! AJ pinned Dreamer when he went for a Styles Clash but Dreamer was too fat to pick up, then went for it again but Dreamer was so fat and blown up that he couldnt' take it, then eventaully just gave up and hit a DDT but Dreamer went down before AJ had finished the move because he sucks and is uncoordinated and AJ said "GOD YOU SUCK" for the pin!

Finallyl it was time for the MAIN EVENT of Jeff Hardy defending against none other than RVD! Jeff came staggering out first to a massive reaction! There was a fat girl sitting next to me (not Jeremy Borash) who was literally crying with Joy at seeing Jeff, then she grabbed her chest and said "AAAAH, STABBING PAIN, CAN'T TAKE IT..." so I turned away and didn't look at her again (she shut up after that anyway thankfully!) Jeff grabbed the mike and said "you stinking fans still cheer me? Is that because you're all STUPID?" Then the fans cheered. Then he said "STOP CHEERING, I'M A HEEL NOW, BOO ME SO THE RATINGS GO UP!" and the fans cheered. Then he said "I'm going to prison soon where I'll GO GAY!" and all the girls booed (but some of the guys cheered!) So Jeff smiled because now he knew how to gets boos and he acted gay for the whole match by wrestling with a gay look on his face (he even made eyes at me at one point! And I kind of liked it!?) RVD came out next. RVD recognised me in the crowd (I used to attend ECDUB shows ALL THE TIME! I sat between HAT GUY and GREEN BEARD GUY on most shows, look out for me!) and gave me a special look which I remembered from the ECDUB days! It was a look which meant "dood, I'm so high right now, this is only a house show match anyway, so I won't do anything cool, haha, the marks will never know better!" I respected him for this because getting high is more important than giving TNA fans a worthy main event! Since Jeff is a heel now he did nothing but Twists Of Hate (eight in total!) and chinlocks (eighteen in total!) for the whole match! Good heeling! RVD eventually made the comeback with some kicks that missed by miles and that crappy version of the Rolling Thunder where he just does a splash instead of a senton and went up to the top rope for the Frog Splash but just stood there for like a minute looking bored until Eric Bischoff jogged out and kind of tapped him in the ankle with a chair and RVD carefully climbed back down, said "ouch!" then walked backstage shrugging, having won by DQ I guess! Then Christy Hemme came out and showed us all her tits to send the crowd home happy.

It was't the worst TNA house show I've ever been to...just teh SECOND WORST!

Survivor Series is coming soon! I have been able to deduce with 99.9997% accuracy what the results will be, so look away NOW if you don't want to know!

LayCool versus Natalya - Natalya will be getting her ass kicked for five minutes until BETH PHOENIX runs out to help her! Then in a SWERVE Beth will hit Natalya with a high heel shoe then hug Michelle and Layla! Then Beth will say "that's right, you all forgot I'm the Glamazon! But not only that, I'm now a Beautiful Pesron! I mean, uhh, a...LayCool...person!" then LayCool will TURN ON BETH and give her a double suplex (that's deadly for woman's wrestling!) and say "no you're too FAT to be in LayCool, FATAZON!" And Natalya and Beth will feud and LayCool will keep the belts until Melina gets over again (so they'll keep them FOREVER!)

Kane versus Edge - Edge hits the RUNNING HUG and is about to win when Christian runs out! Edge says "what's this all aboot, eh, are you here to help me celebrate?" and Christian smiles and say "NOT QUITE!" then spits RED MIST (blood!?) in Edge's eyes and Kane gets da pin! Christian then puts on a PUFFY SHIRT and Gangrel, Viscera, Mideon, Brad Shaw(~!~!) and Farooq (DAMN!) join him in the ring! Kane says "that's right, THE MINISTRY OF DARKNESS is back under my command, and the darkest night has begun, HAHAHAH, HAIL SATAN!" Then all the Ministry but Kane and Christian get fired the next night and are never mentioned again.

Randy Orton versus Wade Barrot WITH JOHN CENA AS THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE WILL HE DO THE RIGHT THING? - Orton and Barrot hit a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE and Cena starts counting until R TRUTH runs out! Truth says "yo, Cena, what CHU doin', huh, countin' like dat, CHU tryin' to screw Orton!"? and Cena says "umm, no" and Truth says "good, because the only person screwing Orton...IS ME!" and gives Cena a deadly AXE KICK then gives Orton a deadly TWISTY FLYING FOREARM! Then HEATH SLEDGE runs out in a referee's shirt and counts the pin and somehow this is legal and Wade is the champion! Then Truth says "haha, you all bought it! You FOOLS! The clue was in my new song! It's not time to get Crunk, it's time to get...DRUNK! I'm an alcoholic and Nexxus have been buying me booze!" Then he smashes up a bootle of BOOZE over Cena's head and says "the WWE ain't PG no more neither!" and does the splits standing over Cena's head, rubbing his balls on Cena's face! This sets up a THREE STAGES OF HELL match between Truth and Cena at WrestleMania where the first fall is pin, second submission and the third a rap battle judged by Enimen!

There will also be some traditional survivor series elimination matches on the show but nobody cares about those!

Sounds like a GRIZZEAT show! I'll be back in eight months with an even more disappointing update!

KAITLYN LEGALLY DECLARED HOTTEST WWE DIVA BY THE SUPREME COURT, LAYLA LAUNCHING COUNTERSUIT WITH MICHELLE MCCOOL AS HER LAWYER? KEVIN NASH SAYS SOMETHING UNFUNNY ON TWITTER? HURRICANE REVEALS THAT LINDA MCMAHON USED TO ASK HIM IF SHE COULD RUB ICE CUBES INTO HIS BALLS ALL THE TIME AND DEFINITELY DID KNOW LANCE CADE'S NAME TOO? DRAGON GATE USA MAIN EVENT TO FEATURE THE HEEL WORKING OVER THE FACE'S LEG BRUTALLY FOR TEN MINUTES BUT THEN THE FACE JUST COMPLETELY NO SELLS IT AND DOES A BUNCH OF FLIPPY MOVES AND THE ZOMBIE SMARKS STILL CHANG "MATCH OF THE YEAR!" AFTERWARDS? AKSANA TO REVEAL SHE'S PREGNANT WITH GOLDUST'S BABY IN NINE MONTH STORYLINE AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S REALLY ORNSWAGGLE'S HAHHAHA OH GOD I'M LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE? PLUS HOT NAKED PICZ OF MICKIE JAMES WEARING ASSLESS CHAPS RIDING BAREBACK ON A HORSE SMOKING A CIGAR WITH VISIBLE ASS SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

Twitter!

2010-10-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

I'm on Twitter! Now I can update you on all the newz IMMEDIATLEY BEFORE IT HAPPENS using twitter to twizzeet the newz! So if John Cena is about to turn HEEL and join NEXXUS for REAL by MAKING OUT with Wade Barrett(!?) I can report it! And also I can tweet everytime I masturwank, except I'll probably be sent to "Twitter jail" if I attempt that! LOL!!!!?

http://twitter.com/#!/hotnewz316

Bound For Glory

2010-10-11T12:33:00.001-07:00

TNA owes me new PANTZ for signing Mickie James!!! (I got an erection then ejaculated within seven seconds of her walking out!)

But now I wish I'd saved it for mastruwank over Madison Rayne who is a million times hotter than Mickie!

LayCool are hotter than the Beautiful People but Mickie and Madison are hotter than LayCool (because of Michelle dragging the hotness down, not Layla's fault!) so I'd like to see that tag match...IN BED!

Matt Hardy Special!

2010-09-27T15:01:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back from my vegetable state with more Hot Newz! I woke up from my HHH induced coma when I heard that Matt Hardy has been going kerazy on Twitter! A SEXY NURSE read his tweets to me and it cured me of vegetation! Then we had sex on my hospital bed, using the bedpan as a sex toy and everything! I am BACK now with the most in-depth, hard-hitting, detailed story on MATT HARDY GOING CRAZY that you will EVER read! Don't even subscribe to the Observer because you won't find these kinds of details there (just lots of crap about MMA that nobody cares about!) So READ ON loyal readers (I think there's about three of you left!) for the REAL truth about Matt Hardy!

...but FIRST, I will take a look at the new season of NXT! Unlike the previous BORING seasons featuring rookies like David Octopus, Heath Ledger, Musky Harris, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and Kaval (ten years in the business and he's STILL not passed his pro exam to become a pro!) this seaosn features only HOT DIVAS and is therefore the BEST or shoud I say BREAST season of NXT in history! The only appropriate way to discuss this seaons is to rank the Rookie Divas (Roovas!) in order of who is the most suitable to be a Diva (mainly based on who I'd most like to bang the shit out of!) and here is that ranking!

1) Katlyn - Well, DUH! She has big juicy thighs like MEN like, she has big juicy fake breasts like REAL MEN like and she actually has a sense of humor! Okay so she stole all her jokes form tv shows, but she at least stole from GOOD shows like The Office and Seinfeld and Law And Order: SVU and not BAD shows like Frasier and Cheers (have you noticed taht they both have Ted Dancing in them!?) That thing about imaginign the audience in their underwear was SUPPOSED to be bad because it was post-ironic humor! she can't wrestle at all but neither could Layla six months ago and now she's better than Trish (and hotter!)

2) Naomi - OMG, did you see those white pants on Smackdown? She has a LOT of junk in her ass if you know what I mean! Naomi is a LEGIT REAL athlete who could easily win an olympic gold medal in ANY sport she chosses as proven by her amazing performance in capture the flag! She is also great int he ring as she has had secret training sessions from AWESOME KONG who is actually her cousin (I'm not just saying this because they're both black, it's true!) and will be Naomi's bodyguard on smackdown in a month!

3) AJ - She is supposed to be the new Mickie James but you'd need TWO AJs to WEIGH the same as ONE Mickie James if you know what I mean! Also she had an annoying voice! I HATE THAT. On the other hand, I'd shit the bang out of her!

4) Jaime Chung - I thought she was supposed to be Asian! Isn't teh NXT ring announcer asian and isn't she the NXT ring announcer? So how come she's not asian!? Unless she's one of those asians who doesn't LOOK asian in which case what's the point of that! The whole point of asians is that they are asian! Or maybe she's white, I don't know. She sucks anyway!

5) Maxine - I can't remember which one she is.

6) Ahsoka Tano - She don't speak no English! What's the point!? Goldust should trade her in for another mail order russian bride! Or Terri Runnels should come out and burn her with a cigar causing Goldust to moan in sexual pleasure! On the other hand, she is REALLY HOT and looks just like Trish and I LOVE Trish (more than Layla!) so maybe she should be first, actually!

And now at long last I can present to you my SPECIAL INVESTIGATION into Matt Hardy goign crazy and being fat! This all started MONTHS AGO when Matt showed up fat at Smackdown (so fat that they banned him from doing the second rope legdrop for fear that he'd break the ring!) and Vince said "you're jobbing to Drew McIntyre, pal!" and Matt nodded meekly and said "yes sir..." but then pulled his blackberry out of his pants and started TWEETING to the world! Many of Matt's tweets have since been deleted (because he realized they were fucking retarded) but I saved them all and will present them to you RIGHT HERE!

"Sick and tired of being asked to job to drew mcintyre and my voice saying yes. that's right you smarks marks, they ask you first. they ask. i wish i could make my voice say no just once. maybe if you all tweet your support I will"

"Just came up with a new t-shirt idea...a close-up of my appendix scar with 'BURSTING for success!' underneath...would be a brilliant new direction for the Matt Hardy brand!"

"What do you know, management don't like my t-shirt idea. Said it was the 'stupidist shit ever'! I know that's a lie, because I've suggested much stupider shit in the past! Don't know how much longer I can put up with them treating my brand this way."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. i looked at the audience afterwards and i could tell that they could all tell that it was bullshit. i winked at them. i think they understood."

"I want all you fans to start chanting 'we don't want Matt to job to Drew at house shows' at house shows if it looks like I'm about to job to Drew at a house show...thanx."

"you know things aren't always as they seem....sometimes it might look like someone's brother is facing drug trafficking charges...but what if that brother is actually testifying against the mafia and the drug charges are just a cover...think about it."

"just beat drew mcintyre by dq on a house show...the winds of change are changing."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. some stooge punk pigeon must have stooled me out and told the bookerman about this twitter. i'm not saying any names...or should I say, I'm not CM'ing any names. that punk."

After being destroyed on smackdown by Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler and even Musky Harriss on an episode of NXT nobody but me watched (but it DID happen!), Matt was LITERALY BURIED by Dashing Cody Rhosdes on Smackwon!

"List Matt, even though my dad is an ugly potato with a blotch on his belly, I'm still better looking than you! And so is he! Listen Matt, even though your weight game is a result of an intestinal injury you suffered in the WWE ring and it's completely irresponsible for us to keep bringing it up, and these kind of segmetns will end up coming back to bite Linda McMahon in the ass...I'm still going to bring it up! You fat! You ate your own push! And Jack Swagger's! Haha!"

Matt finally SNAPPED after jobbing to CM Punk on a house show in jolly old England!

*Matt grabs the microphone from Jaime Chung*

Matt: Yeah, you better run, Punk! I'll shoot kick your ass! You might be a master of shoot karate, but I've been shooting in my backyard with Jeff, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID HIS NAME, since I was two years old and Jeff wasn't even born! You think you can take me? Well, take THIS!

*Matt does a really crappy looking kick into thin air*

Matt: POW-YAH! YEAH!! You gonna come back and fight me, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH? Thought not! Yeah, I'm shooting from the hip here, fellas. Or should I say, England, shooting from the PIP PIP!

*crowd stare at him blankly*

Matt: Yeah, you're all stunned because this isn't PART OF THE SHOW. Yeah, that's right, the old boy's network have been trying to keep the Matt Hard Brand down because I was getting too popular! They're scared that I'll get more popular than Cena and Randy Orton combined multiplied by a million and that they'll have to give me the belt! Guess what! I already HAVE a belt and it holds my trousers up! That's the only belt I need because all I care about are my fans! But if you keep jobbing me out, Vince, you phoney, you scumbag, you scumnose, if you keep jobbing me out, then I'll BE out...of this company! I'll make an IMPACT elsewhere, if you know what I mean! Now that's total non-stop Mattitude, if you know what I mean! That's mister TNA, if you smell what I'm cooking! That's the bottom line, because Hulk Hogan says so!

*the fans start throwing things at Matt*

Matt: You're giving me gifts! Thanks a lot! I love England! I love every part of England, like Scotland and Wales and Ireland! I love your bangers and mash! Your stake and kidney pies! I love Ricky Gervais and that stupid laugh he always does! I love the queen! Is that her there?

*Matt points at an old woman in the crowd*

Matt: Hello, your majetsty! Or should I say, your MATTesty! I...

*his microphone is finally cut and Matt just stands in the ring looking around for about a minute before walking backstage, waving*

Matt(shouting): You haven't seen the last of me! That is, if TNA do tours of England...

After this SHOCKING display (all the agents were too busy laughing at him to cut his microphone sooner!) WWE decided to take Matt OFF THE ROAD and SEND HIM HOME as exclusively revealed by ME on my TWITTER (if you didn't see it you're obviously not following me and I won't tell you my twitter name because if you don't know it already then you don't DESERVE to read my exclusives!) Matt then promised something BIG on Twitter!

"Hoo boo...:::laughing:::...I've got somethign that will BLOW YOU AWAY...like how Lita used to blow me away :::choking with laughter::: only joking I love you Lita. Call me. Please."

Matt then HIT BACK with a very special youtube video from England!

*we see a shot of Matt's feet, walking down a road*

Matt: That's right, fans. That's my FEET. Walking down a ROAD. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was sent OFF THE ROAD? How can I be off the road if I am, in fact, on the road?

*a car nearly runs over Matt*

English Driver: Get off the road, you bloody wankpot!

Matt: Haha, sorry! One of my fans there, waving to me. Interesting, though, isn't it, that he was driving on the LEFT side of the road. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was SENT HOME. They don't drive on the left at home! Not unless they're high on drugs like...well, not like Jeff, becasue he doesn't do drugs...FORGET I SAID THAT. The point is...

*he points the camera at BIG BEN the big English clock that can be seen from anywhere in England because it's so big!!*

Matt: I am still in ENGLAND! I haven't been sent home AT ALL! But that would mean...that the smark smarts and the dirty sheets and CRZ and 411 and Rajah and Sean Shannon and WrestleLine and ScoopThis and Bill Apter were all WRONG! Hmmm, maybe you SHOULDN'T believe everything you see and read. LIKE A CERTAIN DRUG TRIAL FOR A CERTAIN BROTHER. Or CM Punk WINNING matches when in actual fact if the matches were real CM Punk would LOSE those same matches! Everyone in England has been so supportive and I've even got a meeting scheduled with their beloved Prime Minister Tony Blair! Here, I'll just grab a random woman off the street and ask her what she thinks of the WWE violating my career...

*Matt grabs a random woman off the street*

Woman: Aaaah, what's going on!?

Matt: Excuse me miss, but what do you think of the WWE RAPING my career?

Woman: Rape? RAPE?

*she pulls out a rape whistle and starts blowing it*

Woman: RAPE!!!

(Matt pushes her away and runs off. He runs for a while longer until he gets tired.)

Matt: She was probably a CM Punk fan! And I'm NOT tired because I'm fat and running is too much effort...it's because I just took ten somas, okay? So stop making fun of me! Anyway, I think I'll go back to my hotel and have some English food...somas and mash! Soma and kidney pie! Seeya!

*Matt runs away as he hears a police car*

As you can see, Matt was utterly insane in the membrane now! Tony Blair isn't even the Prime Minster of Britain (more like the Prime MASTURWANKER!), Margret Thatcher is, everbody knows that! However WWE still didn't want to release him because they knew if Matt went to TNA he'd reunite with Jeff Hardy and literally twelve overweight Hardy Boyz fangirls would DEFECT from watching WWE to watching TNA! But then Vince finally found out about Matt going crazy when Kelly Kelly told him in bed (they were having sex!) and said "I can't have a CRAZY HARDY BOY running about eating somas and calling Lita a slut, that will endanger Linda's political career if it gets out! Kelly, I'll service you sexually in five minutes, right after I MAKE A CALL..." Vince then called up Matt and said "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRED!" and hung up! WWE then fnally put a statement on their website...

"World Wrestling Entertaiment has come to terms with Superstar Matt Hardy and released him from his contract. To be honest we would have done it years ago but we needed a good jobber after Funaki left. And we knew Matt really wanted to leave so we decided to keep him around to cause him more pain. HA HA HA. WWE wishes him good luck in his future endeavours...because he's going to need it!"

Matt was IMMEDIATELY signed by TNA as announced cryptically on Dixie's Twitter ("just signed a famous wrestling brother to a BIG BUCKS deal..and it's not Kane! It's Matt Hardy!") and TNA's ace writer Vince Russo INSTANTLY constructed a storyline for Matt's debut!

"Okay, get this, let me lay this on y'all, ya mooks! First of all, Rhino leaves EV 2.0 because "I want to dominate the TAG TEAM PLANET!" and after a one week search forms a new tag team with none other than SHARK BOY who wears new METALLIC ring gear! Their aim is to dominate both on land AND at sea! To get them over they will first LOSE by DQ to Generation Me when Rhina and Sharkboy BITE one of those bums, and then lose clean the next week to The Motor City Machine Guns and after the match Rhina GORES the barricade in rage to really get him over and the barricade EXPLODES! But what's this? MATT HARDY was sitting behind the barricade in disguise because he was attending the show as a fan! Part of the barricade goes in Matt's eye and he is BLINDED and not seen for three weeks!

Matt then RETURNS showing no sings of an eye injury (because he's TOUGH) and says "you know what, Rhino and Shark Boy, people have been trying to bully me two on one my whole life and that's a shoot! People UP NORTH were HOLDING ME DOWN because they knew that I could SOAR to the HEAVENS if they didn't and that's a shoot! So you guys want to bully me two on one, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUH? How about trying it...TWO ON TWO! That's right! At the next pay per view I will team up with a VERY SPECIAL MAN from North Carolina to take you NIMRODS down...and it will be extreme...TEAM EXTREME...OOOOH YEAH!"

So then at the pay per view Matt comes out first and says "and now my tag partner, he's a man I've known all my life...it is of course...SHANNON MOORE!" and Shannon Moore comes out made up to look like Jeff! This will be UNEXPECTED and will POP the crowd and create a BUZZ on the internet and Shannon Moore will probably be trending on Twitter too! Rhina and Sharkboy win when Sharkboy (NOT RHINO) gores Shannon out of his boots and you see Shannon's boots literally pop off! This sets up a feud between Rhino and Sharkboy over who has the best gore! Then Matt helps Shannon up and says "you tried your best...BUT YOU FAILED! HOLLYWOOD MATT HARDY HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!" and gives him a Twist Of Fate onto broken glass!

On the next Impact Matt comes out and says 'you stinking fans all want to cheer me and have been dying to see me in TNA, well guess what? I don't care about any of you! My Twitter account was run by an assisstant! I made A MILLION BUCKS up North! The only reason I came to TNA? To get some of Dixie's sweet sweet cash! And IF MY BROTHER JEFF wants to fight me in a loser leaves town hundred dollar buck ladder match where there's a hundred dollars suspended from the rafters then COME ON DOWN!' But Jeff doesn't come out (he's either in jail or doing an injury angle!) SHANNON MOORE comes out to finally get his revenge and kicks Matt in the balls and climbs up the ladder and takes the hundred bucks...but then he looks at it closely and say 'Huh? This is a forgery!' and Matt gives him a twist of fate off the ladder and says 'Of course it's a forgery! I love my fans! I loVe the TNA galaxy! I don't care about money at all, it was all a test! I wanted to see what was in your soul, Shannon! Because the only thing in my soul...IS LOVE!' Then Matt goes on to feud with Nigel McGuinness or someone.

Unfortunately, since WWE owns the name 'Matt Hardy' he'll have to wrestle under his Omega name 'The Angelic Devil' Monster!"

Wow, I can't wait to not see that!

WWE has since DELETED the news of his release and Dixie has said "Umm, I was talking about Mickie James. IN CODE!" and Matt has released a random, rambling video about grapes! "I'm not lazy, I don't eat McDonald's, EH-EH! I EAT GRAPES! Would someone who only eats McDonald's be able to slam a tornado and dry up the seas? No, only a grape eater could do tthat!"

But that was just the crazy tip of the derranged iceberg of madness! Matt then released a video so batshit insane that Meltzer said it was a work, but I can reveal that it was in fact a NON-WORK (a shoot!) and here is the exclusive transcript as youtube have deleted it for being too disturbing!

*Matt is moonwalking in a wrestling ring. He turns round like he's just noticed the camera.*

Matt: Oh, hi! Didn't see you there! Welcome!

*He takes out a pipe, lights it and starts smoking*

Matt: Do I have a COUGH COUGH...a tale to tell you!

*He throws the pipe away.*

Matt: Filthy habbit, the wife is always telling me to quit! So, I suppose you all want to know what's going on with me! There's been a lot of speculation. A lot of drama. A lot of SPECUDRAMA. But here';s the truth. The straight dope. Not the kind of dope Jeff doesn't smoke, but the TRUTH! I AM AN ELEPHANT. ROAR!

*Matt holds his hand in front of his nose like it's a trunk.*

Matt: Haha, only joking! Of course I'm not elephant! Of course not roar! The REAL truth? I have a...condition. A condition of the mind. A mental condition, if you will. How can I explain...well, you know that episode of Star Trek where they got to an alternate universe? And in this mirror universe Picard is evil and has hair and he's sexually abusive of Riker who doesn't have a beard and Geordi his telescopes for eyes? Remember that episode? It ends with Troi giving Data a sexual oiling? Because he's a robot, you see? REMEMBER IT? Yeah? WELL THAT'S MY LIFE. You see these mirror universes ARE REAL. I looked out into the void and at the same time, my mirror self looked out. And do you know what we saw? EACH OTHER. Our minds intersected. Our minds MELDED. And in that moment I became TWO PEOPLE, not one-uh! I can access that other Matt at any time...in fact, do you want to hear from him now? Here we go!

*Matt sucks his gut in and makes a funny face*

Matt: I am the other Matt Hardy! I come from a universe where it is Matt Hardy, NOT JEFF, who is the big star in TNA making millions of bucks! I come from a universe where I just gave Hulk Hogan a Twist Of Fate off the top of a cage through a table! I come from a universe WHERE LITA STILL LOVES ME. Ahem. I come from a universe where everything is better. That's why YOUR universe's Matt has gone crazy He saw this new unvierse and became depressed at being trapped in a universe of jobbing to Drew McIntyre on house shows and being choked by Mickie James when he comes onto her! Don't worry! Everything will be okay soon...when Matt manages to open a Stargate leading to my universe and comes to live with MEEEEE!

*Matt smiles*

Matt: It's me again, this universe's Matt Hardy! As you can all see, I'm not crazy at all! So don't believe the dirty sheets...

*He pulls a copy of the Observe and the Pro Wresting Torch out of his pants and gives them both the Twist of Fate*

Matt: Even though no one actually reads the Torch but me and you only know what they're saying because I'm telling you about it...don't believe them! Believe in me! HUUUUUUH!

Finally I have decided to go to the source and get the INSIDE SCOOP from Matt Hardy himself by calling him on his home phone number which I have because I'm on the inside!

Me: Hello, Matt?

Matt talking in a woman's voice: No, this isn't Matt...

Me: Who is it?

Obviously Matt trying desperately to sound like a girl: It's Lita, of course!

Me: Funny, sounds like Matt to me...

"Lita": No, it's me! In the flesh! The beautiful soft flesh...

Me: Prove it by saying something only Lita would know!

"Lita": CM Punk and Edge have really small penisdicks!

Me: But I've seen the Punk/Serena pics with visible nipple and cock slip and his willy is huge!

"Lita": Photoshop! Anyway, Matt's is STILL bigger even than those fake pics. You dirty linen writers should do your research!

Me: By sleeping with Matt Hardy?

"Lita": Yes! If you're a hot girl, that is! By the way, I'm naked.

Me: Naked!? What ARE you doing at Matt's place anyway?

"Lita": Isn't that obvious, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUH? We just had the sex! Matt's done it with girls and everything! Totally! Yeah! That's why he can't come to the phone right now, he's so tired...

Me: Not because he just took a dozen somas...

"Lita": NO. FROM THE SEX. THE HARDCORE SEX LIKE YOU SEE IN PORN. Only Matt's seen it FOR REAL because he's a STUD MONKEY.

Me: How come you aren't tired then, Lita?

"Lita": Because I've had sex with so many men! I have a higher threshold for sexual tiredness than any woman on the planet! But that was all training! That was just me getting ready to pleasure the greatest love of my life, Matt Hardy, VERSION SEX.

Me: So why did you cheat on him with Edge?

"Lita": What you don't know is, when I was cheating on Matt with Edge I was also actually cheating on Edge with Matt! Emotionally, that is. Not actual sex.

Me: Well, what's going on with Matt now? He wants a release, the WWE won't give him one!

"Lita": They're scared that he'll start his own wrestling company with Hurricane, Jeff, Shannon Moore, Pete Gas and me named CYBER OMEGA and broadcast only online!

Me: That doesn't sound very scary!

"Lita": Did I mention that BOB HOLLY will be the special "enforcer"?

Me: No, you didn't.

"Lita": Oh...right.

Me: So what's Matt going to do to get released?

"Lita": Who can tell? Matt is an enigma. But he's also charismatic, so people are drawn to him. A charismatic enigma, you could say...

Me: No, that's Jeff.

"Lita": Yeah, in THIS universe!

Me: Umm...

"Lita": Oh, I thnk I see Matt stirring in the distance...I'll see if he can talk.

(One second later.)

Matt: HI HOT NEWZ!

Me: You got to the phone quick!

Matt: It's my new diet. It helps me do a LOT of things quicker! Just ask Lita, haha

Me: But didn't you used to say "Matt Hardy will not diet!"

Matt: Haha, good pun...but don't disrespect the Matt Hardy Brand like that. Seriously.

Me: What will you do if WWE NEVER release you, like how the Genius was employed by WCW for fifteen years but never once appeared on tv?

Matt: Hang out with YOU GREAT FANS on Twitter!

Me: Well I hope they release you soon then!

Matt: Look Hot Newz, you dirty sheet writer, you human parasite, you miserable rodent, there's something I've always want to ask you...can you show me how to do the Hot Newz shuffle?

Me: NO. You have to be COOL to do the Hot Newz Shuffle!

Matt: But I am cool! Tell him, Lita!

"Lita" (high pitched): He's cool!

Me: Why are you talking like that, Lita?

"Lita": Uhh...I just huffed some helium.

Me: DRUGS? I thought CM Punk got you off then! Or did he just GET YOU OFF...IN BED!

Matt: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, HOT NEWZ, I KNOW PEOPLE, I KNOW BOB HOLLY, HE DOESN'T LIKE ME BUT I KNOW HIM!

Me: Well I still haven't gotten to the bottom of the Matt Hardy mystery, but I think if I did it would be disappointing and not live up to its full potential, like your career, so I'll just say goodbye for now.

Matt: Okay, Hot Newz, bye for now. No hard feelings. Just print everything I say word for word and don't make me look crazy.

Me: I'll definitely do the first part!

Matt: Say bye, Lita.

"Lita": Bye, Lita.

Matt: She's so silly!

PHONECALL ENDS

Wow, that was intense! We may never know what's going on inside Matt Hardy's sick mind! Let's just hope he doesn't die soon or this whole article will be a lot less funny! And it wasn't even very fun in the first place!

Back soon with more Hot Newz!

GENERATION ME TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO "GENERATION MEN" AND WORK INCEST HOMOS GIMMICK? CHRIS JERICHO TO VOW TO RETIRE IF HE EVER WINS A MATCH AGAIN? SERENA VISITS LINDSAY LOHAN IN PRISON? RIC FLAIRE TO COMPLETELY EMBARRASS HIMSELF AND PISS ON OWN LEGACY EVERY WEEK ON IMPACT, THE SAD OLD FART? DEAD WRESTLER COUNT FOR 2010 SO HIGH THAT IT'S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL IF A WRESTLER HAS DIED OR IF YOU JUST IMAGINED THEY DIED BECAUSE IT WAS QUITE LIKELY, SEE: JAKE THE SNAKE, JIM NEIDHART, BRUTUS BEEFCAKE, GIANT GONZALES AND THE GOON? ROCK TO RETURN...A SUIT HE BOUGHT BECAUSE IT'S TOO SMALL FOR HIM? BIG ZEKE? PLUS HOT FULLY UNDRESSED PICS OF ALOISHA FROM JR'S(!?) PERSONAL COLLECTION AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE AND BLOG AND NUDITY CLICK HERE!

7/8/2010

2010-08-07T16:16:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And, by that, I mean that HOT NEWZ JUNIOR is back with more Hot Newz! That's right, it's me! My old uncle had a HEART ATTACK or something old people have so I'm taking over, biznoses! I'm going to have a big look at big Money In the Bank which will be BIG but first I have EXCLUSIVE news on Batista joining the MMA as an Ultimate Fighter! That's right you marks, Batista is joining MMA! You thought it would never happen because he's not a LEGIT tough guy (Booker T once gave him a Book End into the ocean shooting a Summerslam commercial!) but the real truth is that MMA is actually FAKE!!!! Don't believe me? Then how come Brock Lesner, a FAKE WRESTLER is the current MMA champion of MMA? Because it's fake, that's why! Nobody knew wrestling was fake until Hulk Hogan went on the Arseholio Hall Show and said "wrestling's fake, brother, I never took no steroids!" The EXACT SAME THING is true of MMA! So expect a big showdown in the Octogan (named after an octopus!) between Batista and Lesnar! Batista will hit a SPEAR right away to the surprise of many, but when he goes for a second spear Lesnar reverses it to a Googleplatter which he learned from tHe Undertaker (a REAL shooter!) However Lesnar then POWERS OUT and turns it into a Batista Bomb right into the side of the Octogan! Then then both punch each other at the exact same time like in Rocky 3 JUST as the bell rings for the end of the round! Who's goign to win? I'm not going to tell you cheaprollerskates, you have to buy the big MMA ppv to find out!

And now for your FREE MONEY.........In The Bank recap! Yes, WWE had a ppv called Money In The Bank a while ago and I watched! I'm reviewing it now which is a bit late but when you consider all the COOL STUFF I do in my life this review is actually EARLY!

The First match was the Smackdown Money In The Bank match! Frankly most of this match (99.999999%) SUCKED because nobody took any big bumps! As everyone knows, the ladder match was invented in the Hardy Boyz back yard when the Hardyz and Edge and Christian used to back yard wrestle (Edge and Christian were 13, Matt was 12, Jeff was 9!) So you'd THINK Matt and Christian would take some big, 450 bumps on their HEADS but instead they didn't do shit and at one point they both fell off and actually landed on their feet! What a rip off! Even Dashing Cody Rhodes took more bumps than Matt and Christian, and he's gay! The match picked up when Big Show FINALLY got up off his lazy ass and brought his GIANT LADDER into the ring! I love that giant ladder! It's so cool! The great director MIchael Bay should put it in Transformers 3 as a new Transformer that transforms into a giant ladder! Let's face it, he needs something to replace Megan Fox! Kane won the match because WWE wanted to SWERVE everyone by having the worst possible winner imaginable! One thumb up!

Next was Alicia Fox defending whichever belt she has against Eve Torres! This was pretty good compared to 99% of woman's matches, but that's not saying much since 99.99% of all woman's matches SUCK! Alicia won with the AXE KICK then it cut to a BLACK MAN wearing a hoodie and DARK GLASSES in the crowd but he ducked down out of the way of the camera! NO ONE on the internet has mentioned this yet but that was actually BOOKER T who is set to return soon with Alicia as his new Sharmell (the real Sharmell is pregnant so she won't be doing no axe kicks!) Half a thumb up.

The Hart Dynamitey versus the UFOs was next! I can't remebmer anything about this match other than that Stryker and Lawler spent the whole match saying "YOU'RE SO BORING DH SMITH, DO SOMETHING COOL, SHOW SOME CHARISMA YOU LOSER!" The Harts won when Smith put one of the UFOs in the Sharpshooter but FAILED to do a sexy dance first so Cole said "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T DO A SEXY DANCE FIRST, THE BORING ROBOT BASTARD!" so really the Harts were the real losers! One thumb DOWN.

Rey Mysterious versus Jack Swagger was next! This was a good match WHILE IT LASTED but it only lasted literally FIVE MINUTES which makes it a BAD MATCH! If they had just done the same five minute match four times stuck together and it had lasted twenty minutes it would have been a CLASSIC, but at only five minutes it was a SUCKIC! Then Swagger was going to snap Rey's ankle off and take it home afterwards and KANE made the save! I said to my friend ANDY ICE who was watching with me (we're not gay, just friends!) that this meant Kane was going to cash in his Money In The Bank! Andy said "NO WAY!" and tried to give me a Rock Bottom, but I elbowed my way out and gave him a Stone Cold Stunner! However I hit my head on the coffee table on the way down and was knocked clean out! NO THUMBS UP.

When I woke up, Andy Ice had gone and stole my Wii and Kane was the new champion! At first I was angry (I love my Wii!) but then I realised that Kane is much taller than Rey so it makes sense that he'd beat him, even though he's like 50 years old and Rey is only 23! TWO THUMBS UP!

Next was Layla versus Kelly Kelly! I was glad Andy had left because I want to pay VERY CLOSE attention to this match, if you know what I mean (I was masturwanking!) This match made the match between Alicia and Eve look like a match between two AMATEURS! Alicia and Eve may as well retire because they'll NEVER have a match as good as this one! Layla was trained by old school English shooters like William Regal, Pat Tanaka and Big Daddy so she literally carried Kelly through this match (she did a lot of firewoman's carries!) Also at one point Michelle McCool was being COCKY on the barricade so the spunky Tiffany ran over and SHOOT SHOVED Michelle into the crowd where some guy peed on her! This was NOT supposed to happen (it wasn't a worked shoot shove!) and backstage the Undertaker grabbed Tiffany around the throat like he was going to choke slam her but then Tiffany kicked him in the balls and ran away and Undertaker was so embarrassed that he never told anyone about this (but my source was watching from a garbage can!) so Tiaffany got to keep her job! Anyway Layla won (of course!) with an ENGLISH PINNING COMBINATION! TWO THUMBS and SOMETHING ELSE (my respect for women!) up!

Next was the RAW IS RAW money in the bank mizzatch! This one was EVEN WORSER than the Smackdown match because it had Evan Bourne in it and he didn't do any 720 bumps landing on his tailbone! He didn't do shit! Miz won despite not taking one big bump during the match. There should be a rule where you can only win money in the bank if you've taken a bump first! Two thumbs in the middle leaning towards down!

Finally it was a cage match (JUST a cage, there wasnt' even barbed wire or electicity on the top!) between Shameus and John Cena! What a rip off! This is the Money In The Bank ppv and the main event is a CAGE match!? It should have been a cage match with a ladder in the cage where to win you have to climb the ladder and jump over the cage! That would have been entertaining whereas this match was the opposite: UNENTERTAINING! I can't even remember what happened except I think Nexus put thumbtacks all around the ring and Cena was too scared to climb down and step on one so Shameus won! Then afterwards Cena gave Michael Tarver a proper Hacksaw Jim Duggan three point clotheline and I thought he was cool for about 0.8 seconds until I remembered his stupid face. NEGATIVE THUMBS DOWN.

Layla slapped Matt Striker in the face violently backstage on Smackdown after his latest cruel "little english muffin!" jibe at her. Racist bullies used to call her that at school!

TNA is putting on an ECW ppv this Sunday! For some reason! I can't be bothered looking up the card, but I heard there's a part where Tommy Dreamer says "I'm hardcore, I'll take both of them!" and Kimona Iwannafuckher and Beaulah say "he's old, we'll take SHARKBOY!" and Sharkboy comes out and does a sexy dance with them! There will also be individual one minute tributes to every former ECW star who has passed away...so that will take up ninety minutes of the show! Also there will be some shitty match with tables and barbed wire and fat Raven in the main event which people will chant "this is awesome!" to and I'll chant "I'm glad I didn't pay for this!" as I watch my illegal download!

If you think the Kane/Undertaker angle is just going to end when Kane breaksdown and admits that it was EVIL KANE, his altered ego who wears the red Kane mask, who turned Undertaker into a potato and Kane will confront his dark side in a magic mirror and then step through the mirror and BECOME Evil Kane and job to Undertaker in a casket match at the new ppv "Casket Match"...you are wrong! Undertaker will RETURN in two weeks on Smackdown and say "Kane my brother, it was not Rey Mysterio, I was still part potato when I said that...it was BIG DADDY V!" and then Big Daddy V comes out from under the ring and gives Kane and Undertaker a double belly to belly suplex city! Big Daddy V then wins the title from Kane in a best two out of three falls match at the new ppv "Best Two Out Of Three Falls"! This sets up the big casket match with Undertaker at "Casket Match" where Big Daddy V goes for his new finisher the Banzai Drop INTO a casket but Undertaker MOVES at the last second and Big Daddy V goes into the casket and Taker wins! Then Big Daddy V is never seen or mentioned again.

Summerslam is cumming soon! I'm not going to check when because I'm TOO BUSY! However my friend Steve The Brick told me that the main event will see Team WWE (John Cena! Bret Hart!? R Truth!?! THE GREAT KHALI!?!?!) take on Team Nexus (The Nexus!) in some kind of wrestling match! And if you think that it will just end with Cean down seven on one, all his partners taken out, looking for a tag and then TRIPLE H runs out, tags in...AND GIVES CENA THE PEDIGREE, grabs a mic and says "you're looking at the New Nexus Order of wrestling, brother, and these fans can STICK IT!"...then you're right! That's exaclyt how it will end! There will also be a match between Shameus and Randy Orton! They will do a FACE TO FACE interview before the match and Orton will say "you know what, SHAME-us, I won the world title for the first time SIX YEARS AGO at Summerslam and history will repeat itself tonight...for the final desire!" Then Shameus says "oh is that right, fella? Well tell me this, fella, who was it that you beat six years ago, fella?" And while Orton looks confused (he can't say that name!) Shameus gives him an IRISH KICK ring in the shoulder and you hear a POP and Shameus says "now how are you going to beat me, fella, after taking an Irish kick to the shoulder, fella?" Then Orton wins with the RKO anyway.

Well that's it for me, I've decided that wrestling SUCKS and Santino isn't even funny, so I'll be back NEVER with more Hot Newz, maybe my uncle will return if he ever waits up from his vegetable state, I don't know or care!

DUDEBUSTERS TO START HOMOSEXUAL ANGLE AND CHANGE THEIR NAME TO THE DUDEBUNKERS BECAUSE THEY SLEEP IN BUNKS WITH OTHER DUDES, HAVING SEX WITH THOSE DUDES? MICK FOLEY ALREADY WORKING ON A NEW BOOK ABOUT THE CURRENT ECW ANGLE IN TNA WHICH WILL EXPLAIN WHY IT IS BRILLIANT REALLY AND WAS ALL HIS IDEA AND ALSO THAT ALL HE'S FRIENDS WITH ALL THE KNOCKOUTS AND HE'S STROKE THEIR ARMS? MATT HARDY LITERALLY DRAGGING STRANGERS OFF THE STREET AND ASKING THEM TO FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER? JOHN MORRISON TO ACTUALLY HIT A NON-SHITTY LOOKING STARSHIP PAIN FOR ONCE, LOL WHO AM I KIDDING, IT'S LIKE HE LIGHTLY HEADBUTTS HIS OPPONENT'S ARM AND LOGICALLY IT SHOULD HURT HIM FOR MORE THAN THEM? HOGAN TO GET HIS WIN BACK OVER ABYSS BEFORE ACTUALLY JOBBING TO HIM AND THEN FAKE A BACK INJURY SO THAT THERE IS NO REMATCH? PLUS HOT OBSCURED PICS OF OF LAYCOOL AND THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE MEETING UP TO DISCUSS BOYS AT A NAIL SALON WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWS BLOGCHIVE CLICK HERE!

16/5/2010

2010-05-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania only did eighty thousand buys worldwide (including Australia!) This is a HUGE disappointment as normally WrestleMania does at least eighty MILLION buys worldwide (including Africa!) There are SEVERAL reasons for this! One is that many people were PISSED OFF that the main event was the same two years in a row of Undertaker/Shawn and they just watched last year's match against instead of this years! Another is that 99.99% of WWE fans are YOUNG AND HIP and don't know who Bret Hart is and don't care about him getting revenger on Vince McMahon for sleeping with his wife or whatever Vince did! In fact millions of people who DID order WM are reported to have phoned their cable operator and demanded a REFUND after Bret hit Vince with the sevententh chairshot! Most cable operators refused at first but then after witnessing the twenty fourth chairshot they said "okay, you deserve a refund after that! And I deserve a bonus for watching it! If only I could scrub that match from my mind somehow!" and then started drinking heavily to forget! And the last and FINAL reason is because so many people threw WrestleMania PARTIES this year with upwards of five HUNDRED people attending which meant WWE were getting 499 LESS buys than normal for everyone of these parties! So if you watched WrestleMania by this means then YOU are PERSONALLY responsible for the low buyrate and Vince flipping out at Titan Towers when he heard that buyrate and hitting Todd Grisham in the face with a stapler! I illegally downloaded it so it's not MY fault!

If you thought last week's NXT was the last you'll see of Daniel Bryan (OR SHOULD I SAY Bryan Dragonson!?) you were DEAD WRONG!!! WWE actually has HUGE COMPLICATED plans for Bryan (OR SHOULD I SAY Brian!?) which will start this Monday on RAW live from TORONTO and here are those plans broken up into paragraphs and everything!

It will all start when The Miz and Bret Hart (in pink and black jean shorts!) are about to lock-up for the first time in their US title match! Bryan will run out through the crowd and give Miz a big dropkick and then grab the mic and say "Is this thing on? Good! I have something to say! For the last six months I have been FORCED to wrestle on NXT and use the FAKE name Daniel Bryan! I'm not going to take it anymore! I might have lost ten matches in a row on NXT, but that was only because THE BOOKERMEN told me too! That's right, those matches were FIXED! Every last one of them was FAKE and you wasted your time watching them! But from now on, everything I do will be real...DAMN REAL....starting with making Michael Cole tap out like a whore!" And he runs over and puts Michael Cole in a SHOOT armbar on the announcer table!

While everyone is distracted with this, The Miz breaks a steel chair over Bret Hart's head and gets the pin! Then Bryan looks upset and says "NOOOO!" like Darth Vader and runs into the ring and says "Bret, are you alright?" And Bret says "Yes, kid." Then Bryan says "WELL WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!" and KICKS Bret right int he head! THen he stomps on Bret's head TWENTY SEVEN TIMES to indicate that he will main event WrestleMania 27! Then Miz comes in laughed and gives Bret the Skull Crushing Finale onto a chair and says "Haha, it was a set up all along! I cut the Hart Dynasty's brakes and they all died in a car crash and now thanks to MY Hitman Daniel Bryan I have killed the Hitman too! Tell them, Dan!" And Bryan says "that's right, I'm still Daniel Bryan and I learned a lot from The Miz on NXT! Like how to kick an old man's head in! I HATE YOU STINKING FANS. I'M NOT REALLY A VEGAN!" Then he grabs Miz and kisses him full on on the lips. "AND I'M A HOMOSEXUAL!" ANd Miz looks a bit confused. This is the start of Bryan's new LOOSE CANON gimmick which will be highly original and turn the ratins around!

But then the whole thing is ruined when Buzz Aldrin comes out to the ring and says "that wasn't very nice, Bryan!" and gives him a clothesline and a MOONsault (because he's been to the moon!) from the top rope!

(Don't worry, a STUNT Bret Hart will be used for this angle! THe real Bret will be watching at home in Calgary shaking his fist at the tv! The real Buzz Aldrin WILL perform the moonsault because he learned how to be super agile on the moon in MOON GRAVITY.)

WWE currently has tentative plans for Underatker to totally destroy Jack Swagger and beat him for the title at Summerslam then injure his knee eight days later and lose the title back to swagger in a ten on one handciap match when all ten opponents piled up on him with Swagger is on the top of the pile then to defeat Swagger in a three minute long non title match a week later and take six months off for surgery!

Matt Hardy has asked his fans over Twitter to chant "WE WANT MATT!" during Drew McIntyre's matches with Kofi Kingston because he's deeply insecure and fears he'll be fired if management realizes that Kofi is superior to him in every way! Don't worry, Anti Matt fans on Twitter have countered by arranging to have people with signs reading "They're only chanting "WE WANT MATT!" because Matt Hardy is deeply inseucre and fears he'll be fired if management realizes Kofi Kingstone is superior to him in every way" at all house shows!

When Michelle McCool said "oww, my butt hurts!" on Smackdown two weeks ago that was an accidental SHOOT comment as she really DID hurt her butt! Management then gave Michelle into TROUBLE backstage as you can't say "butt" on PG WWE! She should have said "my buns" instead! Undertaker then beat the shit out of management.

CM Punk has HEAT with management for not shaving his chest hair! However Punk pointed out that Cena doesnt' shave HIS chest hair either! When management said "hold on, Cena doesn't have chest hair!" Punk said "exactly, because he's not as much as a man as me!" But then it turned out that this report was just made up by newz sites with space to fill which explains it making no sense!

ConGRADulations to my girl Layla El for finally winning teh woman's title! Ever since I frist masturwanked over Layla when she rightly won the Diva Search WAY BACK in 2006 I knew one day she'd win the Woman's title and I'd masturwank to the fact that she had won the woman's title! Layla will now be turned FACE when Michelle McCool makes a racist remark (about English people)! She will then come out to the ring like Goldberg with the fans chanting "LAY-LA" except it won't be piped in like with Goldberg because everyone loves Layla! Melina will replace Layal in Team LayCool (Team MelCool!) because she's a shoot bitch!

TNA has moved back to Monday because the fans DEMANDED it (by watching RAW instead!) In order to turnt he ratings around TNA will have some variaton of RVD versus Jeff Hardy every week, doing the exact same spots as their Invasion 2001 match in a slightly different order! Also they are planning to sign up Piggie James and have her run out during a Beautiful People segment and say "WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THEY WAY THEY IS!" and eat a whole choclate cake while Tazz says "if you can fit that whole thing in her mouth I wonder what else she can fit in there, Cole!" Then she loses clean to Lacey Von Erich in a "panties on a poll" match the next week and quits the company because she's only being paid five dollars a show.

Over The Edge is coming soon! The original plan was to have a whole pay per view of nothing but scaffold matches where the only way to win was to throw your oppoennt "over the edge" but John Cena is scared of heights and they had to change it!

Cena versus Batista in a "you quit" match will be the main event and the WWE is teaching Cena how to SHOOT in case Batista breaks from the script which he probably will, the maniac! As all of you must surely know, Batista has been receiving big money offers to go to Hollywood and star with George Clooney in a new buddy cop movie where one of the cops is a giant (Clooney, using CGI!) and the other a midget (Batista using CGI!) and will quit the WWE TEN SECONDS after Over The Edge! Batista has been acting erratic at house shows lately, coming out during Diva matches and taking notes, but then at the end saying "ah who am I kidding, I'm Batista,I've already had boht of you!" and doing a crotch chop! However my sources CLOSE to Batista (Rosa Mendes) reveal that at Over The Edge he is planning on grabbing the microphone right away and saying "I QUIT...to go to Hollywood and star in a romantic comedy with Natalie Portman where she falls in love with an alien!" and running away! So Cena will have to fill up the last half hour of the pay per view with poop jokes and body popping!

The other big title match will see Jack Swagger defend against the Big Show and ifyou think the only credible way for Swagger to beat Big Show is to hit him over the head with toolbox, pin him with his feet on the ropes for a two count, say "screw this!" and try to run away but Show catches him but Swagger gives him a low blow and rolls back into the ring with one second to spare and Show is counted out..then you must be booking for the WWE!

TNA also has a ppv at some point in time (maybe tonight!) I think! If you want a preview and spoilers, just randomly combine these words to form a sentence: "RVD" "Jeff Jarrett" "Kurt Angle" "Abyss" "Lacey Von Erich" "Beat" "Lost to" "Double countout" "Double pinfall" "Double referee stoppage" "Double heel turn on own tag partner even though it cost them the tag title" "Run in by the debuting SID!?" "Lacey Von Erich visible nip slip" "Samoa Joe's fat ass" "Sting" "Jeff Hardy" "Mister Anderson and his annoying gurning face" "Eric Young does something retarded" "Cage match" "Electric Cage match" "Shark Cage Match" "108 minute Iron Man push the button Lost tribute match" "Dixie isn't even that hot".

REAL NAME FILE

JTG = Jerry Tolkien Gatorade

Shad = Viscera Junior (he's Vis's son!)

Luke Gallows = Festus Gallows

Justin Gabriel = Gabin Justriel

Drew McIntyre = Drew MacMcIntyre (he's scottish!)

Layla El = Layla Bloodpudding (she's English!)

Eric Bischoff = Erica Bischoff (his parents thought he was a girl!)

Back some day with less Hot Newz!

RORY FROM THE HIGHLANDERS ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO GET INTO THE RING ON AN INDY SHOW HE WAS BOOKED TO COMPETE ON? TRISH STRATUS CONSDERING COMEBACK TO WRESTLE LAYLA TO FIND OUT WHO THE ULTIMATE DIVA OF ALL TIME IS, OH PLEASE TRISH MAKE IT HAPPEN? GOLDBERG TO BE PAID TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS TO END UNDERTAKER'S STREAK IN NINTEY SECONDS AT WRESTLEMANIA THEN SAY "I DID IT FOR THE KIDS WHO LOOK UP TO ME!" AND HUG SOME KIDS WHO LOOK UP TO HIM? FINAL EPISODE OF LOST TO BE A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT, I MEAN WHAT THE HELL WAS "ABOVE THE SEA" ALL ABOUT, A GLOWING CAVE, REALLY, THAT'S THE BIG SECRET, A GLOWING FUCKING CAVE AND WHY DIDN'T THEY GIVE THE MAN IN BLACK'S NAME, I HATE IT WHEN TV SHOWS DO THAT? BATISTA TO STAR IN SCORPION KING PREQUEL PREQUEL PREQUEL? AND HOT NAKED PICS OF SUNNY FROM 1998 WHEN SHE MANAGED LOD AND WAS NAKED ON A HOUSE SHOW BECAUSE HAWK BURNED ALL HER CLOTHES AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE AND BLOG CLICK HERE!!

Quicke WrestleMania thoughts!

2010-03-29T14:17:00.000-07:00

OMG! I can't not BELIEVE how much the internet is overrating Shawn Michales versus the Underweartaker! IT SUCKED! The ENTIRE MATCH was just the two of them doing their finishing moves to each other and the other one kicking out! ANYWAY could have that match! IN fact when I used to want to be a wrestler when I was young my uncle said he'd teach me becasue he had experience and all we did was give each other finishing moves for half an hour! And then afterwards he'd put me in his submission hold the INVERTED REVERSE WASTELOCK and he'd hold me down in it for ten minutes or more and he'd REALLY grind it in but I would NEVER give up and eventually I'd hear him moaning and he'd let go and stagger away and I WOULD BE THE WINNER! He always told me not to tell anyone about that special move, probably because he was EMBARRASSED at loosing to me! He had lots of special videos of men grappling that I snuck in and watched once and he got angry. Must have been from some OBSCURE indy where they wrestle on beds instead of in the ring!

Anyway, as I was saying, Shawn Michaels and the Underneathtaker SUCK! Layla is hot!

WrestleMania, Daniel Bryan and more!

2010-03-25T16:51:00.000-07:00

OMG I'm here with some hardcore NEWZITY (fooled you!) And the big newz is that I am NOT Hot Newz (that's why I didn't say "OMG I'm back"!) I am in fact HIS NEPHEW, none other than HOT NEWZ JUNIOR! I know all yoru mouths are gaping in shock like you can't believe it BUT YOU BETTA BELIEVE IT! I learned the game from my uncle Hot Newz! Hot Newz taught me everything he knows...but he didn't teach me everything *I* know!!! I know you're all wondering why Hot Newz has quit the internet forever and why I've taken his place so I'll tell you: it's because of what Michael Cole said on NXT. Every single word from Cole's mouth was the absolute TRUTH and it cut deeply into the heart of Hot Newz! My uncle realized that he's a DINOSAUR of the newz world, a relic of the past! Hot Newz is all about DIRTY SHEETS and GEOCITIES when we're in 2009 now, the world of TWITTER and WWE NXT! Hot Newz just couldn't get with the times...so he got the F out! Don't worry, I will continue to provide HOT NEWZ for you all...but it won't be the SMARKY SMARK gay Hot Newz that my gay uncle (he's gay by the way!) provided! So don't expect me to LICK the ASS of Daniel Bryan like Hot Newz would! In fact I'm going to interview Daniel Bryanoit later in this very update and ask him the HARD questions!!!

WWE has relased some SO CALLED Superstars! I say "SO CALLED" because if they were REALLY Superstars they wouldn't have been released at all. I know that's a CONTROVERSIAL thing to say and not something my uncle would ever say, but you're dealing with Hot Newz Junior now!

First to be released was The Hurricane! The reason for this was NOT becasue he got drunk and arrested like you SMARKS think, because if that was the case then Chris Jericho would have been released as well since he was in the car too and it would be unfair to release one and not the other and Vince is NEVER unfair! The REAL reason he was fired was becaue WWE finally got SICK of paying him two paychecks: one as a wrestler and one as an announcer! That's right, he was Gregory Helms as well! Bet you didn't know that! WWE got wise to this SCAM at last and fired him and are now saving DOUBLE the money!

Paul Burchill has also been released! The reason for this is very simple: he lost a loser leaves the WWE match to the Hurricane. How could the WWE keep him employed after that? They couldn't, it would ruin their integrity! His sister Kate is still under contract however becasue she's been wearing a corset on her way to the ring lately and Vicne wants to see where she's going with that!

Also released was Maria! The reason for this? WWE has gone PG and can't have a HARLOT in their employ! She's even been in Playboy with NO clothes! Tiffany has too, but since she did such a good job as General Manager of ECW she will be offered a managerment position and never appear on tv again and wear sexy business suits!

Finally released was Scott Armsstrong and I don't think I have to tell you that the reason why was becaue he accepted a BRIBE from CM Punk and WWE is no place for crooked referees! Also he was racist.

TNA has decided to COPY the WWE as usual by releasing Awesome Kong! Kong will now come to WWE on NXT as a rookie Diva (they're going to have rookie Divas on NXT after WrestleMania!) so that Matt Striker can reference "Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest" every week! And the returning LITA will be her mentor and keep trying to get Kong to do a "Litasault" then Kong finally does one and she's so proud of herself but Lita didn't see because she was sucking Kane's cock (they're back together!) and doesn't believe Kong really did it! Drama!

WWE will use the money they save from these four goons to rehire THE HIGHLANDERS (Robbie and Rory!) except they will be called the ENGLANDERS now (Sir Robert and Master Rorathorne!) and will wear BOWLER HATS in the ring and smoke pipes and kippers!

Mister Anderson sucks!

WrestleMania is JUST around the corner! I remember way back to the EARLY DAYS of Wrestlemania when Chris Jericho and HHH feuded over a dog (Stephanie McMahon!) and Brock Lesnar landed right on his head doing a 450 splash and it turned him into an ignorant homophobe who hates Canada! Can this year's Wrestlemania have any "WrestleMania moments" which match up to those classics? No, it can't! But it can try! Let's take a look at which matches have the best chance of providing a WrestleMania moment!

Batista versus Cena - The only way this can live up to the Wrestlemania standard is if Cena literally KILLS Batista with the STF (you hear his neck SNAP!) then Michale Cole says "Batista is dead, folks" and he's carried away on a stretcher and you never see him again (in real life he's retired to a farm where he breeds dogs and sheep...together!)!

Chris Jericho versus Edge - The only way this can live up to teh WrestleMania standard is if Edge hits a spear but then Jericho kicks out at one becasue Edge's spear looks like shit and woudln't really hurt anyone and Edge says "yeah, you're right!" and gives Jericho a GANSO BOMB off the apron for the countout win (but you can't win the title on countout!)

Bret Hart versus Vince McMahon - Who cares! I don't even know why they're fighting! Vince did the "ring the bell!" thing to Bret? Who cares, they do that every week! Angle got the bell rung on him on Impact a month ago and he's forgotten already! Bret needs to get over it! Also: how old is he? Sixty? Seventy? Can he even keep up with Vince (a proven hard worker for his age)? I doubt it! Take your bathroom break HERE instead of during the Diva's match!

The Undertaker versus Shawn Michaels - This is a tough one as they had a pretty good match last night but on the other hand it was FAR TOO LONG and hopefully this year will be cut down to a sensible time like ten minutes! Also it should be a CASKET MATCH really and Undertaker should tombstone Shawn right into the casket. That's never been done before!

CM Punk versus Rey Mysteris (mask versus hair) - Well OBVIOUSLY Rey's gonig to win because there's no way in HELL that he would EVER take his mask off EVER becasue it's ILLEGAL in Mexico to wrestle without a mask and Rey wrestles in Mexico part time when he's on a break from WWE so there's NO CHANCE OF EVER SEEING REY WITHOUT HIS MASK EVER so foget that! And if Punk loses his hair it won't even be bad for him because he's straight edge and that means you should shave your head! The only thing I can think of is that they shave Punk's head and reveal a DRUG tattoo on his skull! Like a COCAINE PIPE or something equally drugtastic! This would reveal that Punk is a HIPPOCRAT and I think that's what will happen!

Triple H versus SHAMEus - Finlay will run in after ten minutes of sweaty action and hit HHH with his IRISH STICK and reveal that he is SHAMEUS's dad as well! Then Hornswoggle will give HHH the Tadpole Splash as revege for the constant abuse he's suffered and the Finlay Dynasty will be born!

The Miz and The Big Show versus John Morrison and R Truth - Morrison has been DEMOTED to tag action after Vince noticed that Starship Pain looks like shit! And R Truth has been PROMOTED to appearing on WrestleMania becasue Vince is going to starting selling CDs of "WHAT'S UP!" at the shows! But everyone has already illegally downloaded that GREAT SONG anyway so it will backfire! Anyway this match will end when DANIEL BRYAN runs out with a chair and looks like he's going to hit the Miz but SWERVES and hits Morrison (in the back) then says "THE MIZ IS AWESOME!" and does a Miz Dance and Miz smiles and says "I have taught you well." Then Bryan gets a Miz haircut too!

Randy Orton versus Cody Rhodes verus Ted Debased - No chance of a WrestleMania moment here unless you count the world's first ten minute long threeway chinlock as a WrestleMania moment!

Money IN The Wank Ladder Match - I can't remember remember who is in this mathc but it's obvious that KOFI KINGSTON will do a Boom Drop off the top of one ladder through another ladder to have a WrestleMania moment but then Shelton Benjamin will attempt a senton bomb off the rafters onto the top of a ladder and end up landing CROTCH FIRST on Kane's knee by mistake and everyone will remember that instead of the Boom Drop! Also: Christian will win.

Diva Match: WWE is more PG than DISNEY now so there's no chance we'll see naked breasts popping out all over the place like in the GOOD OLD DAYS (my uncle used to masturwank to the classic Wendie Retard/Mae Young classic at WrestleMania 6 when all four tits popped out!) which means it is an INSULT to the hard-working fans to put the POOR WORKRATING Divas on a WrestleMania at all!

As you can see AND I THINK YOU'LL AGREE there is literally 100% NO CHANCE IN HELL of there being a classic WM Moment on this year's WrestleMania...but it'll still be better than every TNA show ever put together multiplied by a million!

Speaking of TNA, as you all stinking well know by now Hulk Hogan is the NEW head booker and Vince Russo is working under him (NOT sexually...I don't THINK so anyway...)! As a result there's been a CLASH OF EGOS and Hogan keeps rewriting everyone Russo writes! I managed to get my hands on a LEAKED script from an Impact from a month ago (or myabe it's from NEXT WEEK, it's impossible to tell with Impact!) which revealed the extent to which Hogan and Russo are clashing! And here it is!

Segment One

Russo: Okay, get this, let me lay this shit on ya mooks, Homicide comes down to the ring. He's literally in the ring talking! He says "JEFF HARDY! You son of a coward scaredy cat! I know you're in prison for trafficking - AND THAT'S A SHOOT BY THE WAY - but if you was any kind of a damn man at all you'd break out of your cell, murder all the guards that got in your way, steal a police car and drive over here to the Impact Zone to fight me right in the middle of this ring...in a TEXAS HOLD 'EM DEATH MATCH!" Jeff Hardy's music plays (we don't have the rights to his WWE music, of course, so play something vaguely similar and have Tazz says "NOT FOR NOTHING THAT'S JEFF HARDY'S MUSIC I'D RECOGNISE IT ANYWHERE!"...

SWERVE, it's actually Mick Foley who comes out, riding down to the ring on a stretcher for some reason (like he did in '98 which I wrote and it'll look just as cool today!) and he pulls a microphone out of his shoes because he's KOOKY and says "you know what Homicide I'm sick of your CRAP coming out here every week saying the same thing about wanting Jeff Hardy to break out of jail! And also everyone knows that I want a meeting with Hulk Hogan and everyone ALSO knows that later on this show the Hulkster's going to have a meeting with every champion in TNA so I'm going to win YOUR stinking X Division title which I don't even want just to get a meeting with Hogan, bang bang!" Foley INSTANTLY gives Homicide a pedigree (as an insider reference) and it's so quick that people on the internet will speculate that Homicide TOOK A DIVE for him! However before he can make the pin, STING (who is up in the rafters of course, logically!) drops his baseball bat and Foley catches it and the referee sees Foley holding the bat and disqualifies him! Then Tenay speculates that Sting is in CAHOOTS with someone but before he can reveal who it's TOO THE BACK!

Hogan: Brother, I love it. But I'd make some key changes. First of all, dude, Homicide should challenge Jeff to a "LATINO STREET FIGHT IN THE STREETS" since he's one of them latin dudes, brother. Second of all, brah, Foley should hit the Stunner instead of the Pedigree so that the rubes will think Cold Stone's coming to TNA. Sting should drop the bat by ACCIDENT and Tazz says "BUTTERFINGERS!!!" and this starts a storyline where Sting's lost his confidence and only finding faith in the strength of Hulkamania can help him get it back! And Foley should call me "the Great Hulk Hogan." Otherwise you've hit one out of the park, dude!

Segment Two

Russo: Ric Flair arrives in the arena with a CHINESE WOMAN on his arm but refuses to speak to Bubba Sponge! In the background, Raven is eating out of a trash can!

Hogan: Dude, you know, I know Flair and I think it should be a KOREAN WOMAN with him, brother, not no Chinese dame, dude. But good call on Raven (he's that fat guy in jean shorts, isn't he)! We're firing him soon anyway!

Russo: Maybe he could find a pink slip in the trash?

Hogan: Dude, that's tremendous! Then a garbage truck could drive up and haul him away with the rest of the garbage, brah!

Segment Three

Russo: The Beautiful People come MARCHING out to the ring and barely even pause to show their asses as they enter (but they still do pause and the director should still zoom in, let me make that clear!) then say "okay we are SICK of that SKANK Angelina Love constantly attacking our asses! We need our asses! Angelina, come out here now with a partner OR SHOULD I SAY SKANK-NER of your choosing and fight us in this ring you skank!" Then some music that sounds a bit like Lady GaGa plays and Angelina comes out with a woman dressed exactly as LADY GAGA (Tazz: "Could it be her, Cole?") and the Beautiful People run away in fear because they know they can't defeat Angelina and GaGa! Then Angelina KISSES GaGa and she pulls her wig off to reveal that it's TORRIE WILSON and she says "that's right, it's me, Torrie Wilson!" in case anyone doesn't recognize her!

Hogan: Hmm, bro, theres' a few problemos with this. I don't know who this Lady Gaggy is, first of all. I say Angelina (who's she anyway?) should come out with my daughter Brooke and says "that's right, I'm here with the boss's daughter, OR SHOULD I SAY HOT-AUGHTER!" Then Brooke throws Angelica off the stage and says "my only loyality is to my big buff daddy, sistah!" Then them two girls in the ring should run like fun, brother!

Segment Four

Russo: THE POPE comes out to the ring but before he can talk he's interrupted by Orlando Jordan and Kipp Jammes (rehire him if he's fired!) Kipp says "I've finally found a MAN who is MAN enough to be the MAN for me and that is Orlando!" and then they act like they're about to KISS but at the last second SO CAL VAL holds a piece of paper up between their lips so that they don't actually make contact and it's ambiguous as to if they're gay or not! Then the Pope's about to attack them but before he can, RHYNO has run out through da crowd and he GORES the Pope and says "you want a title shot, I WANT A TITLE SHOT, FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW IN A TITLE SHOT MATCH!, I'M NOT A WAR MACHINE BECAUSE THE WWE HOLD THE COPYRIGHT TO THAT PHRASE, I AM NOW A WAR ROBOT!" and makes robot noises! Then he picks up Pope and Pope ROLLS HIM UP and So Cal Val counts the three and Pope's got a title shot by beating Rhyno!!

Hogan: Dude, you lost me at the gay. I ain't no homophobe, brah, I even shook hands with the Brookyln Brawler one time, but you got to remember we've got children watching and kids shouldn't find out homosexuality exists until they turn eighteen. That's how I'm rasing Brooke and Nasty Nick and they've turned out to be great kids. Maybe Orlando and Kipp could kiss some SEXY TWINS (female twins)? There has to be some sexy twins we can hire! But I'm fine with Rhyno and Pope doing their stuff, it's all meaningless anyway!

Segment Five

Russo: Scott Hall and X-Pac come out and say "hey yo, DIESEL ENGINE, we be here, but it don't look like you got no tag partner or nothing, ha ha ha!" Then Nash says "that's where you're wrong, here is my partner!" and out comes BIG SID (his offcial name!) Sid is wearing tights which say "HALF A BRAIN" on them which is a SUBTLE reference only internet fans will get...so have Tenay and Tazz draw attention to it and keep laughing all throughout the match. Nash and Sid hit STEREO POWERBOMBS through TABLES and finally Nash has revenge on The Band! However afterwards Big Sid grabs the mike and says "REMEMBER OUR AGREEMENT! WE WILL NOW HAVE A CONTEST TO SEE WHO THE REAL KING OF POWERBOMBS IS!" and Nash says "Umm, sure, big man. Hey, look over there!" and points at So Cal Val and while Big Sid is distracted Nash gives him a LOW BLOW (but not a powerbomb, obviously neither of these men are ever going to take that bump so this feud will have no payoff)

Hogan: Umm, I never actually pinned Sid at WrestleMania 8, did I? In fact that nasty Mumbo Jumbo Vodoo Man Papa Shango messed up the timing and Big Sid even got to kick out of my legdrop! So this is a good idea bringing Big Sid in, because it means I can have a match with him (maye this week if there's time!) and pin him with the legdrop. Except I can't actually do the legdrop anymore. So brass knux then. Dude! Uhh, anyway, the match is fine. Can we just get onto a segment which has me in it, please?

Segment Six

Russo: Okay, let's pop a rating with this one, HULK HOGAN comes marching out to the ring and says "I know this isn't scheduled yet, but I could wait no longer, brothers! I'm calling out EVERY champion in TNA for a sepcial meeting in this ring to discuss the future of TNA right now!" Instead of the champions, JEFF JARRETT comes marching out in STREET CLOTHES and says "Hogan, I can't stand listening to you no more! You think you know what's best for TNA? I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR TNA. I put the T in TNA! And the N! And the A! And ain't I GREAT?" Then he pulls a GUITAR out of his tights and threatens Hogan with it! Hogan says "take a swing, brother, I'll just Hulk Up and give you three punches, a big boot and a brass knux shot, brother!" Jarrett swings but at the last second BRUTUS BEEFCAKE jumps in the path of the guitar and takes it right in the head! Then Hogan cradles Beefcake in his arms and cries "no, NOOOO, not the Beefster, he was my best friend!" Beefcake in his DYING MOMENTS (of course he's not really dying, it's just acting!) hands Hogan a pair of SCISSORS and Hogan starts Hulking Up and says "Jeff, I challenge you to a HAIR VERSUS HAIR MATCH!!!"

Hogan: You know, I don't think it necessarily needs to be acting.

Russo: What?

Hogan: When Beefcake takes the guitar. I think he'd be willing to die for real!

Russo: Umm...we just use fake guitars.

Hogan: Fake guitars, that's bullshit, brah! The fans don't want to see no fake guitars or six sided rings or Curry Man or any of that crap! They want REAL guitars! Look, Beefcake's probably suicidal anyway, you would be too if you had his life. This will show that he's willing to die for Hulkamania!

Russo: Uhh...okay...

Hogan: Then it's settled! Also, Jeff Jarrett should be wearing purple which everyone knows is the colour of EVIL to show that he's EVIL and I'm good. And he should say "these stinking fans!" randomly when he's talking.

Segment Seven

Russo: Mister Anderson comes out to the ring with the American flag on a poll and says "Kurt Angle! Let's settle this once and for all in a capture the flag match!" And Kurt Angle comes out and says "it ain't not gonna by that easy for you or nothing! If you win this match I will EAT the american flag LIVE on tv! But If I win the match...I get to roll you up in the flag and throw you off a bridge!" Then Anderson looks around and says "IT'S ON LIKE TAMPONS" and smashes his microphone into Kurt's eye and the microphone EXPLODES and Kurt blades and Tazz says "oh no, he's blind!" Anderson then gets the pin PULLING THE TIGHTS and takes out some bread and puts the flag between it so that Kurt can eat it as a SANDWICH! Kurt takes a big bite right out of the middle of the sandwich flag and the fans BOO but then Kurt pulls the bread away to reveal it's actually the CANADIAN flag with a big hole bitten out of it and he switched them somehow! Then Kurt starts MAULING Anderson with STIFF FOREARMS and BITES until Anderson TAPES OUT and Kurt pulls on the ring apron and the whole thing rolls over Anderson and somehow the ringmat was a GIANT AMERICAN FLAG all along and then Kurt gives Anderson a 450 splash wrapped up in the flag!

Hogan: Dude, I'm on the phone to Brian Knobbs right now, he's fallen over in the show...shit, he's stuck in his tub...I'm going to have to go over there and pry him out...yeah, do that shit with Kurt, I don't care!

The rest of the script was so completely obscured by semen stains that I couldn't read it!

And now for my EXCLSUIVE interview with Daniel Bryan! What a jumped-up prick he turned out to be, as you're about to discover!

Me: OMG, it's Daniel Bryan!

Daniel: Hi, good to talk to you.

Me: It's so kewl to be talking to you, dood!

Daniel: Haha, you a big fan?

Me: No, but you know The Miz! Miz is awesome!

Daniel: Haha, he's a bit of a jerk.

Me: Stop saying "haha" so much.

Daniel: Look, I'm just trying to keep things nice and friendly, I have a good relationship with my fans...

Me: I'm not a fan! I didn't even know who you were before NXT! You never did shit before WWE!

Daniel: Look, I've wrestled all over the world...

Me: LIKE WHERE?

Daniel: Canada, Mexico...

Me: Oooh, it must be SO hard to work in Meixco, doing nothing but armdrags everynight in front of fifty drunks with air horns and cowbells!

Daniel: Japan...

Me: Who cares! Japan isn't a real wrestling company!

Daniel: I've wrestled in front of tens of thousands of fans in New Japan show...

Me: LIAR! There aren't even tens of thousands of people LIVING in Japan! It's just a stinking little island!

Daniel: There's some great wrestling companies running shows in Japan...

Me: So why do all the biggest Japanese stars like TAKA Michinoclue, The Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Yoko Zuna, Jimmy Wang yang and of course Kenzo Suzuki come to America to wrestle? YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER, DO YOU? It's becasue America is the place to be!

Daniel: I thought Hot Newz was a respected wrestling journalist!

Me: That was my GAY uncle who was a GAYspected wrestling GAYalist! Did you never see his Hot Newz Shuffle? That was gayer than your haircut! I'm a whole new Hot Newz and I don't respect you or your submission moves!

Daniel: Fine. Just ask me some good questions.

Me: Your new finisher the Heel Hook...why is it such a GAY copy of Kurt Angle's ankle lock?

Daniel: The heel hook is a legit move used by many MMA fighters...

Me: MMA is all fake anyway and you've just PROVED IT by seeing the heel hook is a legit move! If it's legit then EXPLAIN THIS: why do you twist the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY than Kurt Angel does when he uses the ankle lock? If Kurt twisting the ankle that way hurts, then you twisting the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY must feel GOOD! You're actually giving your opponent a nice massage! You fruit!

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your "new" crossface is just Shawn Michaels' great crossface except you stick your foot in your opponent's face! What, are they supposed to pass out from the smell because you're a cheap indy guy who can't afford CLEAN SOCKS?

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your guilloting choke couldn't even beat da Great Khali!

Daniel: Hey, Khali is a former world champion, he's beaten The Undertaker...

Me: Years ago! And only because Raijin Shing stole the urn or something! His workrate is so low now that he can't bet Dolph Ziggler! He can't beat Matt Hardy in a dance-off!

Daniel: Look, he's got a big size advantage...

Me: FUNAKI has a big size advnatage against you! When are you actually going to WIN anyway? You've lost to everyone! You lost again this week!

Daniel: Miscommunication with my partner...

Me: No, you missed a move off the second-rope and Otunga gave you a shitty spinebuster for the pin! Why should I even care about you at all if you can't even win a match? WHY SHOULD ANYBODY CARE?

Danie: Come on...at least I'm better than Heath Slater!

Me: Okay, that's true!

PHONECALL ENDS

Well that's it for me, this job SUCKS I'm never doing it again, Uncle Hot Newz isn't coming back either because he's probably DEAD! SO BYE!

SAMOA JOE FOUND HIDING IN A KFC, CRYING "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO TNA AND RUSSO'S BOOKING!"? MARTY JANNETY TO SHOW UP DRUNK AT THE HALL OF FAME AND SHOUT "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME, SHAWN, THAT BARBERSHOP WINDOW WAS A REAL WINDOW!" THEN FALL OVER? THE REAL REASON HOT NEWZ QUIT IS BECAUSE HE MASTURWANKED HIMSELF INTO A COMA OVER LAYLA EL? UNDERTAKER TO TAKE A YEAR OFF AFTER WRESTLEMANIA BUT STILL WIN NEXT YEAR ANYWAY INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PUTTING SOMEONE OVER FOR ONCE, SERIOUSLY WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME HE DID A JOB, WAS IT AGAINST GREAT KHALI? MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF DIXIE CARTER SALINAS AND JEFF JARRET AT A NUDE BITCH DOING THE SPINAROONIE NAKED WITH VISIBLE NIP SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG/ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

30/12/2009 - Tommy Dreamer

2009-12-30T15:29:00.000-08:00

I just watched dis week's ECDUB and I can't BELIEVE what I just saw! Tommy Dreamer KINDAPPED two little girls at the end of the show and no one tried to stop him! Where was security? What was he thinking? Is he going to eat them, the fatty? I hope DETECTIVE GOLDUST and his sidekick Yoshi Tasty get on the case! If you see Tommy Dreamer, call the cops! And hide all you're food!!!!!

20/11/2009

2009-11-20T16:19:00.000-08:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big Newz is that Survivor Series is RIGHT around the corner! Survivor Series was once the WWE's PREMIERE pay per view going back to the nineteen eighties (yes they had wrestling then!) when Bob Backlund led his team of five (Backlund, B Brian Blair, Hoss Funk, Funk Funk and The Junkyard Dawg!) against the Iron Sheik's Iron Curtain Teeam (Sheik, Nikolai Volkov, that Bori Guy with the name I can't spell, Serganet Slaughter back when he was a commie and Virgil!) However Survivor Series fell to the WAYSIDE the next year when WrestleMania started and wasn't important again until Bret Screwed Bret (just admit it everyone, he did!) in 1995! This year is the THIRTEENTH anniversary of that historic night so to celebrate Bret Hard has been invited to show up at this year's Survivor Series, take a swing at Shawn Michaels, miss and punch Cena instead leading to HHH pinning cena for the title, then walk out through the crowd never to be seen or mentioned again! Unfortunately he'll miss his flight due to a terrorist thread phoned in by SHANE MCMAHON trying to sabotage the ppv since he's TNA 4 life now and won't show up! Maybe next year at the fifteenth anniversary he'll make it!

Shane McMahon has SWERVED TNA by singing with UFC instead! Shane will NOT be in a management position like YOU thought he would be, instead he'll be a fight! His first match is supposed to be against BROCK LESNAR but Lesnas has come down with SWINE FLU so instead Shane will fight Tank Abbott! And Shane will go for the Super Shane Spear (a legitimate finisher in UFC!) but his head will get stuck in Tank's BELLY and Tank will give him a pedigree from that position for the win!

Gabe Spakolskty has started a new company named EVOLVE! He wanted to call it EVOLUTION but as soon as he had that thought his phone wrong and he picked it up and it was JEREMY MCVITTIE (the WWE lawyer guy!) who said "Don't even think about thinking about it again!" So he called it EVOLVE! It will be just like ROH only with those Dragon Gate guys who do those really long matches where they work on a body part for twenty minutes then just completely no sell it and do lots of exploder suplexs for some reason but everyone on the internet is too scared to admit those matches are overrated and gives them five stars! And also the return to wrestling of BLITZKRIEG and CROWBAR~!

ROH backwards is HOR which sounds a bit like WHORE!

Rosie Mendez will turn FACE on an upcoming ECW when she kicks Zach Ryder in the balls causing him to fall victim to Shelton Benjamin's PAYDIRT and lose (to Shelton!) She will then say "Zach, I'm SICK TO MY TEETH of you having all those DIRTY dream sequences about me! Shelton's my man now!" and stick her tongue up Shelton's mouth! However the NEXT week when Shelton and Zach are having a REMATCH she will act like she's about to kick Zach in the balls instead but insteat kick SHELTON and Zach will hit the Zach ATtack for the win! Then Rosa will say "Ha, fooled you, Shelton! Me turning on Zach last week and having sex with you for the last seven days was all part of the plan! Of course I didn't mind the dream sequences, I filmed them with Shelton earlier in the day so they could be edited into those backstage segments! DUH!"

Lacey Von Erich is SO sick of fans complaining about her workrate that she's learning a new move: the headlock! She was trying to learn the headlock takedown, but she kept breaking her opponent's shoulders! Speaking of which, Christy Hemme is out of action with broken shoulders! Also: Tracey Brook is ugly!

The next TNA Knockout in Playboy will be...none other than DIXIE CARTER herself wearing nothing but cowboy boots and a cowskin (leather) title belt over her nipples, y'all! (Her pussy will be full exposed!)

The reason why Hulk Hogan hasn't appeared in TNA yet is becaue he can't get a flight out of Australia, brother! The Hulkamania tour is SO important to the Australian economy that the President (or Optimus Prime Minster, whatever it's called in that backwards hellhole!) of Australia has cancelled ALL flights out of the country so that the Hulkster, Flair and Nasty Boys can't go home (he doesn't mind if Brutus Beefcake goes home)! Ticket sales for Hogan versus Flair are higher than ticket sales for STEVE IRWIN: THE MUSICAL and CROCODILE DUNDEE 8: REVENGE OF THE CROCODILE put together!

WRESTLERS ON TWITTER! Here's what some wrestlers have been saying on Twitter!

Santino: Just got sent a new script for RAW...I'm doing an unfunny comedy sketch with the guest host and Hornswoggle. I KNOW, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER! - Santino was sent to the DOG HOUSE after this and lost to Charlie Hass on a house show as punishment!
Matt Hardy: Jeff is doing great...we'll tell you the REAL story about his arrest and what those drugs were REALLY doing in his house and up his nose once he's found innocent...and if he's found guilty, we'll bust him out of jail using the strength of faith and love....faith and love...love and faith...and Albert's going to help too (remember him?)
MickFoley: Bang bang! Just talk to a children's charity on one phoneline and Melina on the next while scripting my next hardcore match using a pen held by my FEET! Going to try to convince Melina to come to TNA to take some dangerous bumps for me, wish me luck!
DixieCarter: Boy howdy, y'all, just talked to EDDIE BRICK of THE BRICKHOUSE BAND on the phone and he told me to have Kevin Nash powerbomb Eric Young through a table on Impact this week so I'm going to do it! There's a look at our creative process for y'all!
TheMiz: Jericho is fat lol
ChrisJericho: The Miz is gay lol

You can find me on Twitter WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!!!!! (or when some girl I want to stalk signs up!)

Surviving Series is right around the corner! I have cashed in favors owed to me by MANY sources in order to bring you this ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ACCURATE preview so don't read if you don't want to know EVEYRHTING!

Batista versus Rey Mysterio

Batisata comes out wearing a sleevless leather jacket and slapping hands with fans like he's still a face and gives his jacket to a kid then musses up the kid's hair! Rey comes out in a BLACK mask and doesn't slap hands with nobody! Rey grabs the mic and says "these fans suck like you suck, Batista, why it got to be this way, mandawg, what about Eddie!" then Batista says "if Eddie loved you so much, WHY DID HE STEAL DOMINIC?" and Rey looks confused and Batista gives him ten Batista bombs really quickly for the win then says "these fans don't suck, YOU SUCK!" and walks out through the crowd! Rey will then turn full heel on Smackdown and start hitting his opponents with 619s to their DICK!

Team Michelle (Michelle McCool, Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix, Layla and Alicia Flash) versus Team Mickie (Mickie James, Eve Torres, Kelly Kelly, Melina and Gail "Who?" Kim)

Jillian, Layla and Alicia are all eliminated really quickly because nobody cares about thenm! Then all five faces team up to pile on Beth Phoenix and hold her down to eliminate her (the referee counts this for some reason!) So Michelle is on her own and things look bleak but then "DUNG!" the Undertaker's "DUNG!" sound goes off and Michelle's eyes roll back in her head! Michelle then pines Gail with a chokeslam, Eva with a tombstone, Kelly Kelly with a last ride and makes Eve tap out to the hell's gate! But that sneaky chubby Mickie James gives Michelle a crappy looking kick to the head and all looks doomed until Michelle does the ZOMBIE SIT UP and pins Mickie with the Styles Clash (the McClash!) Then Michelle says "in case you can't tell, I'm banging the Undertaker!" and the fans go wild becasue only the coolest Diva alive could get to bang the Undertaker: the McCoolest that is!

Team Morrison (John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Shelton Benjamin, Evan Bourne, Finlay) versus Team Miz (THE Miz, Drew McIntire, Shameus, Dolph Ziggle, Jack Jobber (Swagger!))

Drew McIntire pins Evan Bourne in eight seconds with a roll-up! John Morrison pins Jack Swagger in thirty eight seconds with a chaffed kick! Drew and Finlay get counted out REALLY fast and make no effort to return to the ring! Shameus is DISQUALIFIED for attacking Jerry Lawyer with a fork for some reason! Matt Hardy runs backstage to TWEET about everything that's just happend and gets counted out! So it's down to two on two in less than four minutes then they have a HEAT match for almost four more minutes before Ziggle pins Shelton with an INVERTED PAYDIRT (which is just Dolph's normal finisher if you think about it, this feud writes itself!) So now we have the EPIC Miz versus Morrison (both in the match for the first time!) showdown we've all sort of been waiting for a bit...and then just HUG and says "the tag team's back together!" since management has lost faith in both as singles stars! Then Shameus gets back in the ring with a bloody fork and threatens the referee so the ref declares him the winner somehow!

Team Orton (Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, William Regal, CM Punk) versus Team Kingstone (Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, MVP, R Truth...and Christian!?)

The announcers try REALLY hard not to mention that Christian is the only white guy on the face team but fail when Matt Striker says "he's like the white character in The French Prince of Bel Air...OH WAIT, THERE WASN'T ONE!" after a minute! Then eveyrone gets eliminated in various different ways (seriously, it doesn't matter until the final two!) until it's Kofi versus Randy! Randy hits the RKO but knocks the referee downw ith his hand as he does and there's no one to count! Kofi hits the boom drop off the top rope but there's no ref! Randy goes for the RKO but Kofi reversus to a backslide (a new cool reversal I just thought of!) but Randy gets his foot on the rope! Randy goes for the punt but misses and punts the bottom turnbuckles which falls off and the referee makes the X sign and everyone just stands around staring at the bottom turnbuckle for about two minutes until that new ECW ring announcer girl who isn't even very hot pulls it out of the ring! Then Orton and Kingstone DOUBLE PIN each other with a suplex somehow and it's a draw and Cole goes into full "FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, THIS HISTORIC HISTORICAL HISTORY MAKING MOMENT JUST GOT MADE TONIGHT, THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY THERE'S NO SURVIVOR, A MATCH SO BRUTAL, SO BARBARIC, SO VINTAGE ORTON, SO VINTAGE KINGSTONE, THAT NEITHER MAN COULD SURVIVE, WE'LL BE CALLING THIS VINTAGE SURVIVOR SERIES FOR WEEKS TO COME!" mode to try to convince the audience they just saw something cool rather than a rip off.

The Undertaker versus Chris Jericho versus Big Show

Before the match starts, a mysterious man in a KANE mask grabs Undertaker and CHOKESLAMS him off the stage! Jericho and Big Show have a boring match for five minutes until Undertaker drags himself to the ring...at which point they stop hitting each other and start hitting him in a dastardly display of evil! However, KANE'S music plays and KANE runs out so Jericho and Big Show hide! Kane helps Undertaker up...THEN CHOKESLAMS HIM! Kane then takes the Kane mask out of his tights and puts it on, revealing that KANE was the mysterious man in the Kane mask! This is because Undertaker needs another five months off to prepare for his big match with SHameus at WrestleMania (SPOILER: Undertaker wins. Yawn) so Jericho gets to hold the belt for another three weeks before losing it to Batista or something!

John Cena versys Shawn Michales versus Triple HHH

DX DOMINATE Cena the whole match so he can do his dramatic selling of everying (then comeback like he isn't hurt at all!) DX hit all their famous legandery doubleteam moves like HHH holding Cena so Shawn can punch him and Shawn holding Cena so HHH can punch him! In the end Cena makes his crappy shoulderblock based comeback but DX CUT HIM OFF with a double elbow(~!~!) Howerever DX can't decide who gets to make the pin and each pull the other off when they try to cover! Then eventually Shawn and HHH start SHOVING each other until eventually they SNAP and IMPLODE and hit each other with a superkick and pedigree simultaneously somehow! Then Cena pins Shawn (of course). And is this the end of DX forever?! No, they do a comedy skit with Hornswoggle the next night and it's never mentioned again!

SHould be a great show!

And now for this month's interview with Ron Simmonds! As impossible as it is to believe now that he's old and only known for saying "damn", Simmonds used to be young and known for being a semi decent wrestler who EVEN won the WCW world title from Sting or someone back when he wrestler as Faarooq! I decided to get the LOW DOWN (pun intentional!) on his career the only way I know how: a phone interview!

Me: Is this FARROOK himself, Ron Simmonds?

Ron: Hi, how's it...

Me: WE ARE THE NATION. OF FAPURBATION.

Ron: What?

Me: NATION. OF FAPURBATION.

Ron: Why are you singing?

Me: I've got the music in me!

Ron: Seriously, I thought this was a proper interview...

Me: Who was the batter rapper in PG-13, Jersey Ice or Whoopie Dee?

Ron: How am I supposed to know! What's the point of this!

Me: The point is to get to the stage where I try to humiliate you in someway but you comeback with a cutting remark which shows me up for what I am and I say "DAMN!"

Ron: DAMN!

Me: No, I say it! That's why it's ironic! Didn't DEAN DOUGLAS teach you what irony is? Anyway, I should ask you something about when you were managed by Sunny and if she was ever so drugged up that she thought you were her boyfriend and had sex with you, but I think we both know the answer would be yes!

Ron: You just beggin' me to whoop your ass, ain't you?

Me: Does it make you angry that another old black man with a silly catchphrase, Tony Atlas, is still on WWE tv every week and you're not?

Ron: I'm a much cooler old black guy than Tony! He stole his laughter from Dusty Rhode anyway! I'll kick your ass, kid!

Me: SPEAKING of kicking, remember when you kicked Ahmed Johnson so hard in the kidney that his kidney EXPLODED and he need a transplant but the doner was Jake The Snake Roberts and the kidney was so soaked in alcohol that Ahmed felt constantly drunk for the rest of his career and it totally ruined his previously HIGH workrate?

Ron: Well...I remember the first part. What about it?

Me: That was cool!

Ron: Damn right it was! You know, Randy Orton stole the punt from me! I was the first wrestler to ever run up and kick my opponent really hard. Does he give me credit? Hell no!

Me: You should kill him!

Ron: Well...maybe I should whoop his ass.

Me: You'd be booked to lose in ninety seconds you old fart!

Ron: I mean a real fight, kid! THe kind I used to have in my gladiator days!

Me: You were never a gladiator!

Ron: Then where do you think I got that plastic helmet from?

Me: You just blew my mind! Speaking of blowjobs, did Sunny ever...

Ron: Ask me something about the APA.

Me: Okay! We all know Brad Shaw used to bully smaller men than himself to feel important and because it was the only way for him to achieve sexual arousal...

Ron: True.

Me: ...but my question is did YOU ever join in then both of you got carried away and ended up having FULL SEX on the dressing room floor then Jeff Hardy walked in but he was high and though he was just imagining it so never told anyone?

Ron: Yes. So all that masturwanking you did to that fantasy wasn't as pathetic as it seemed at the time.

Me: DAMN!

Ron: We didn't really, I just wanted to give you the chance to say that.

Me: You can't take it back now! I'm taping this conversation! And even if somehow you find out where I live and destroy the tape with a headbutt wearing your plastic gladiator helmet, I can still hypnotise Jeff Hardy so that he remembers the repressed drug-hazed memory!

Ron: It wasn't Jeff who walked in, it was Savio Vega! And he joined in!

Me: DAMN! Always one step ahead of me!

PHONECALL ENDS

More like APGAY than APA I think you'll agree! Back soon with more Hot Newz PLUS A CHANCE TO WIN A DATE WITH ME, HOT NEWZ!!!!!1

EVERY KURT ANGLE MATCH EXACTLY THE SAME BUT ALWAYS GET ****+ FROM MELTZER FOR SOME REASON? SMASHING PUMPKINS TO GUEST HOST RAW AND REVEAL THEIR TEXTS TO DIXIE CARTER WERE A SWERVE? GABE SPOKOLSKY TO POST INCREASINGLY SMUG AND UNBEARABLE BLOGS ABOUT HIS WANKY NEW COMPANY UNTIL EVEN DAVEY RICHARDS SAYS "SERIOUSLY, GABE, GIVE IT A BREAK!"? EDGE SPOTTED IN SCOTLAND SHOPPING FOR KILTS? HIGHLANDER ROBBIE SPOTTED IN CANADA CLAIMING WELLFARE PLUS HOT NAKED NEAR NAKED PICS OF THE BELLA TWINS BACK WHEN THEY WERE STILL SIAMESE TWINS (THEY WERE JOINED AT THE BOOBS!) AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG AND ARCHIVES AND SEX CLICK HERE!

28/10/2009 - Divas and Knockouts Special!

2009-10-28T16:24:00.000-07:00

OMWTFG I am FINALLY back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Shane O'Mac has QUITTED the WWE FOREVER by handing in his resignation and signing it with his signature at the bottom!!!! This means it is OFFCIAL and cannot NEVER be taken back! There is a LOT of speculation over why Shane has quit and I have had literally ONE letters with crazy theories! And here is that letter andi it's from Doctor Whore!

Thanx Hot Newz, love your newz, and the new HOT NEWZ BLOG! Anyway, enough chit-chat, as I'm sure you've heard Shane McMahon has jumped to TNA! Shane will make his debut on the NEXT Impact when AJ Styles says "okay, I will defend my title again ANYONE!" and a MASKED MAN runs out and SPEARS AJ (Shane used to do a spear!) Then the masked man says "hey, where's the referee?" and SHANE runs out through the crowd wearing a LEATHER JACKET and a referee's shirt and raises the masked man's hand in victory! BUT THEN Shane SWEVES the masked man with a clothesline and a SUPER SHANE ELBOW off the top and hugs AJ! Then AJ pulls the mask off and it's MISTER KENNEDY underneath, but then the lights go off and when they come back on Kennedy is gone and AJ is lying in the corner bleeding and VINCE RUSSO is pointing a BLACK baseball bat (is it Sting's!?) with "is it Sting's!?" written on the side in lipstick at AJ! Then Tazz says "just another day in da Impact Zone, Cole!"

That woudl be great! However, you are an IDIOT and that is NTO going to happen as TNA recently spent ALL their money in hiring Nigel McGuinness! Nigel will wrestle under the name Damian Hellstorm and carve OCCULT SYMBOLS into his opponents! If you don't know who Nigel is, then you have a lot of company! Nigel is that guy from Ring of Honor who says "wankers!" and injures his arms doing fifteen clotheslines a match. He isn't very good, really. Should do well in TNA!

BREAKING NEWZ: Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff have BOUGHT TNA from Dixie and Jeff! Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs will be the new commissioner, Brutus Beefcake the new beefcake (replacing Matt Morgan, or so my gay friends tell me!) and Jimmy Hart will feud with Don West for Red's contract and win when West gets bored and goes off to smoke pot with SoCal Val! MORE on this story in my next update when I'll be reporting on just WHY Hogan has quit TNA after only a month and on how much that match he had with Mick Foley sucked!

Anyway, the ONLY thing worth talking about these days is Divas and Knockouts and Divaouts! So thats' why I'm gonig to RATE the ten best in terms of a combination of how smart, sexy and powerful they are! And here are those ratings!!! Below!!!

10) Tara - She ain't the lady to mess with, WHOOP. Tara (real name VicTARAia!) is best known for that time she dressed up as a banana and ripped off Family Guy (who were ripping off something obscure for no apparent reason, hilariously!) and did a dance! She is now in TNA where she has had to resor to capturing a spider before every show, trapping it in a glass and bringing it to the ring! After the show she releases the spider into Jeremy Borash's PANTS in a hilarious rib! She does lots of slaps in her matches. She is going to fight Kitty Coulture or someone in a worked shoot fake real MMA match which no one will care about. She was better when she had TATU as her music and used to steal Trish's lipstick and hide it between her legs.

TARA FACT: She can't swim but loves diving...FOR MUFF!

TARA FACT TWO: She aint' the lady to mess with, WHOOP.

9) Kelly Kelly - Kelly Kelly is well known for having a smelly belly! However she is also sexy and powerful (but not smart, obviously. I mean, she's blond!) Kelly is actually the Miz's hot cousin and got involved with wrestling one day when he called her up and said "hey, want to dance on ECW and probably sleep with Randy Orton? You know you do!" Kelly has actually worked REALLY HARD (no boner jokes!) to become a GOOD WORKER and now does cool moves like headscissors and spinning headscissors! On Superstars last week she CARRIED Gail Kim to a THREE STAR MATCH to the amazement of everyone (Kim's workrate has SUCKED since she left TNA for WWE, and even then her workrate was far higher back when she used to wrestle in Korea!)

KELLY KELLY FACT: She's so hot that Randy Orton has never even took a dump in her bag!

8) Velvet Sky - If you're accusing me of ONLY including Velvet Sky on the list for the SOLE REASON of how HOT her ASS looks when she ENTERS the ring...then you're nearly right! However, I also like her tits!

VELVET SKY FACT: Her finishing move is a top rope hair toss! She did it on a house show I attended and it was FIERCE!

7) Katie Lea - So hot her brother was going to incest her on camera until Vince said "look, pal, we're PG now, so incest her in private like me and Steph do, okay?" and Burchill nodded knowingly! Katie was the BIGEST STAR EVER in English wrestling where she wrestled under the name "Margaret Thatcher Junior" (it makes sense to the tea-guzzling Brits!) She beat LADY BIG BEN for the English title in a match watched by over twelve Brits at the Cricket Arena! Her finishing move was the BACKFLIP ROCK BOTTOM which is so cool that Triple H banned it in case anyone associated it with his hated enemy The Rock, who Triple H does NOT want anyone thinking is cool! It hasn't worked, I still think The Rock's cool! Anyway, Katie is a good wrestler but the problem is she's the ONLY woman wrestler on ECW and has to work inter-gender matches with Yoshi Tatsu every week instead of fighting other women. And also her face looks a bit weird sometimes. Hot body though!

KATIE LEA FACT: She is shoot bisexual and once kissed one of the Bella Twins but didn't know which one and then kissed the OTHER ONE a few days later and that one is actually a noted HOMOPHOBE and she reported Katie to Vince but Vince was so turned on that he thought it was all a wet dream and never knew the complaint really happened!

6) Daffney - Daffney first broke into the business a LONG time ago back when WCW was still in business and Sable, Sunny and Wendi Ritcher ruled the Diva world! Despite being REALLY OLD Daffney still looks young because she made a deal with Satan never to age! Daffney spent the ten years between WCW going out of business and TNA getting desperate and hiring her in a mental home where she met Abyss (he wasn't a patient, he was trying to pick up hot crazy girls!) and Doctor Stevie (he's really a dentist in his spare time and he looked at her teeth!) She now takes ridiculously dangerous bumps in order to help that fat piece of shit Mick Foley stay in the spotlight! I'd hit it.

DAFFNEY FACT: She hates cats!

5) Beth Phoenix - THE GLAMAZON! So called because she was actually BORN in the amazon (to ALL AMERICAN parents, of course!) Back in the OLD DAYS (1999) muscular women in wrestling all looked like Chyna and Asya and Afryca! However NOW we have the muscual BUT ALSO FEMININA Beth Phoenix who has blond har, a reasonable face, giant breasts and POWERFUL THIGHS for crushing male crotches! She is also a good worker (but not as good as Chyna was, obviously) and it was funny when her and Santino were sixty-nining that one time and HHH walked in and said "69 should be a crime!" and spat water on them.

GLAMAZON FACT: She makes Natayla look like a bag of puke!

4) Mickie James - More like THICKIE James and I'm not talking about her intlligence...I'm talking about the thickness of her a thighs! Unlike Beth Phoenix Mickie is NOT powerful at all and in fact just loves eating burgers and ham! That's cool by me as I LOVE food too! It's good that WWE hired someone who is about the same size as their average viewer! Mickie used to be married to AJ Styles on the indies but got divorced when she orally cheated on him with the entire ROH lockeroom! Mickie tried to argue that if it's oral it's moral so she wasn't really cheating, but AJ is a Christian and was having none of it and Pele kicked Gabe Spalosky in rage (ironically Gabe was the one person Mickie refused to blow!)! This is how Mickie got her nickname: BJ James! Mickie turned to lesbiansim in WWE and once SHOOT grabbed Trish's crotch and SHOOT licked her SHOOT hand a Wrestlemania in a scene so hot that I've never been able to achieve orgasm since as no scenario I can imagine can ever come close to being that hot again! She's a pretty good wowrker and that kick she does sometimes actually looks good!

MICKIE JAMES FACTT: She dated Kenny Dykstra because his name sounds like "DYKE STAR" for a while before she rembered she's a lesbian now and seduced Stephanie McMahon (Triple H was busy watching Glamarella 69 at the time!)

3) ODB - Surprised? ODB REALLY IS smart and powerful, she just pretends she's not for her gimmick! She isn't sexy though. Eww. Anyway ODB proves that ANYONE can make it to wrestling by playing a redneck alcoholic character (she's actually a straight edge Harvard grad!) thus inspiring the redneck viewers of TNA to become wrestlers! One such viewer is Cody Deaner who is NO gimmick and really is like that and ODB has to keep up kayfabe around him, even to the point of letting him have sex on her, just so that he never finds out it's all fake! ODB once had a good match with Angelina Love or something.

ODB FACT: ODB stands for Oh Do Behave!

2) Sally Shadowmoon - An indy wrestler so obscure and hot that YOU couldn't possibly know who she is and if you google her all you'll get is "Did you mean Sally Field?" but she IS real and she DOES exist and I WOULD hit it! Sally broke into wreatling way back in 2007 for PUNCHKICK wrestling, an indy so indy that they don't even have a ring so they have to wrestle on mats, except they don't even have mats so they have to wrestle on towels! Sally feuded with a young Alicia Fox back when she was still cool and not a sell out and invented a new move called the SHADOW OF STARLIGHT which is kind of like a moonsault fused with a powerbomb! Sally was meant for big things and eventually (last month) made it to a company that actually has rings and she might have a TNA tryout at some time in the future if she can borrow enough money from her sister to buy a bus ticket to get to Orlando! She is 5'6.

SALLY SHADOWMOON FACT: There are no facts about Sally Shadowmoon, just opinions!

1) Layla El - SWERVER~!~!~!~ After all these hot years Hot Newz can STILL surprise the hotnewzaholics! You all thought I was going to be a workrate freak and rank Astonishing Kong at number one! You fools! She might be the best female worker EVER, so good that she's ALMOST as good as the worst MALE worker ever (Greg Valentine) but I said I was ranking on a combination of how smart, sexy and powerful these ladies are! Kong might be powerful but she's NOT sexy (unless you're her husband Kip James!) and she's NOT smart (she can't even speak no English!) That's why LAYLA EL is the BIZZEST woman in wrestling TODAY or even TOMORROW! Layla is SMART (she's English and everyone from England is a super smart scientist like Stephen Hawking and Alfred Einstein, so she MUST be smart!), she is of course SEXY (look at her ass and nose!) and she is DECEPTIVELY powerful (she once bodyslammed Mickie James which is the female equivalent to slamming Andre!) Layla has been my favouritest Diva ever since she won Diva Search by doing a dance and when she was on ECW and used to dance and when she managed Regal and DRANK TEA and when she returned to Smackdown and did a dance! I guarantee you she will win the Diva's or Woman's title (I can't remember which brand she's on) before the end of the decade! She is also my most masturwanked Diva for the 21st century!

LAYLA FACT: She's the only one who ever gives good answers on "Ask The Divas"!

I decided to call Layla on the phone to tell her of this HONOR!

Me: Hello, Layla El?

Layla: Cheerio, old bean! I just popped out for a spot of cricket and blood scones, what what!

Me: Yep! Anyway, I'd like to tell you of a SPECIAL HONOR I have bestowed on you!

Layla: Tell me more, chap!

Me: You are my most masturwanked over Diva of the 21st century!

Layla: Eww, that's gorss...grossly inappropriate, old...pervert.

Me: Oh, and you also topped my list of the GREATEST Diva OR Knockout!

Layla: Topped it, you say? OR Knockout, you also say? Well, that's different! Thank you!

Me: Thank YOU for all the masturwanks!

Layla: Cheerio!

Me: Wait, does that mean hello or goodbye?

Layla: Fucked if I know, dood!

PHONECALL ENDS

She's only pretending to be English to get William Regal into bed!

OH crap, I just remembered that EVE TORRES is also hucking fot and should be on that list somewhere! Eve, if you're reading this, I'm sorry and I actually HATE Layla and love you! I'll be back soon with less Hot Newz, SEEYA then!!!!!

BIG VIS SET FOR COMEBACK IN ROH, WEIGHT DOWN TO 250 POUNDS? EVE TORRES AND LAYLA'S COMBINED HOTNESS GREATER THAN THAT OF SUNNY, SABLE AND TERRI RUNNELS? KEVIN NASH NOT REALLY ALL THAT FUNNY ON TNA AND IN ACTUAL FACT HUGELY OVERRATED BY INTERNET COMMENTATORS WHO JUST WANT TO LOOK COOL BY LIKING WHATEVER PERCEIVED "SMARKS" DISLIKE? SURVIVOR SERIES TO FEATURE THE RETURN OF WAR GAMES BUT IN THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER AND WITH BARBERED WIRE RING ROPES...LOL, ONLY JOKING, THEY'D NEVER DO THAT, WAR GAMES SUCKED ANYWAY, EVERYTHING YOU LIKED SUCKS, I'M SO COOL? MATT HARDY TO POST COHERENT TWITTER MESSAGE? MICK FOLEY TO WRITE NEW BOOK ABOUT THAT PIECE OF SHIT MATCH HE HAD WITH ABYSS EXPLAINING WHY IT WAS THE BEST MATCH EVER AND HOW IF YOU SAY ANYtHING BAD ABOUT HIM OR HIS BOOKS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT SICK CHILDREN AND ANOTHER TWO HUNDRED PAGES ON HOW HE TALKED TO MELINA BACKSTAGE AT SMACKDOWN FOR FIVE MINUTES ONCE? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF EVE TORRES AND LAYLA REACTING TO MY RANTING OF THEM WITH AROUSAL AND THE BRAND NEW HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

5/6/09

2009-10-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And like the Diamond Cutter you never saw it coming! BANG! And the big news is apparently some crap about a basketball game and Raw which I don't care about! So I'll move on to talking about the SIZZECOND biggest newz which is that Mister Kennedy is injured AGYANE! I know you shoudln't laugh at another man's misfortune but ROFFLINGMYASSOFFLOL! Stupid Kennedy! We ALL remember that interview he did on Oprah where he said "I have not, nor have I EVER been, a drug user! I don't even know what drugs look like!" then the next DAY the list from Signature Pharmacy was published showing that Kennedy bought 10,000 bags of steroids a WEEK from them! D'OH! Kennedy was suspended for 92 days for this and in his FIRST match back against Jeff Hardy he brok BOTH his legs keeping him out for nine months! Then in his next match back nine months later he damn near broke his neck when CM Punk gave him Go To Sleep (probably EXTRA STIFF since Punk is pro-life and hates anyone who eats drugs!) and had to miss another year of action! And now finally back again his wrist SNAPPED into two wrists when Randy Orton gave his wrist a RKO! Kennedy is now expected to be out of action for fourteen months and eight days and when he returns he will be known as MISTER GLASS and his gimmick will be that he SHATTERS on impact! He will then start wrestling in BUBBLE WRAP and for his opponenet to beat him they'll have to pop all his bubble wrap first! Or just kick his stupid face in.

BREAKING (like Kennedy's wrist) newz: Kennedy has now been REALISED from his contract! However this is just to save money so they don't have to pay him while he's injured and he WILL be rehired when he's healthy...in 2017!!!

In an interesting move, TNA has brought in Raven and Shane Douglas despite them being fat and old! This ISN'T being done because they're still talented and still have something to offer the company (they aren't and they don't!) but rather to confuse ECW fans who ruined their brains with drugs in the nineties and trick them into think it's still the nineties and they're still watch ECW! TNA will also sign Tajiri, Little Guido, Big Sal (or Big Guido if Sal isn't available), 911, Mike Awesome, the Sandman and Charlie Pain (remember him!?) to complete the illusion! But they won't sign Sunny and she'll go on a bitter internet rant about how she wouldn't want to sign with them anyway and how she could be WWE having sex with Randy Orton or Mike Knox if she wanted to be!

TNA has ALSO signed Tazz, not because he used to be in ECW but because he is awesome! Tazz will be revealed as Samoa Joe's new MENTO and Joe will rub his palms together and say "soon my master I will have all the souls you require" then Tazz steps out of the shadows wearing a towel and says "yes my child, growing up in the HOOK with Joey Numbers I know a thing or ten about souls, now I will join you in claiming the soul of Shark Boy!" Then Tazz joins Joe in the ring as Joe puts Sharkboy in his new finisher, the boston crab (to impress Tazz!) but then after Shark Boy has tapped out Tazz will say "thank you...FOR NOTHING!" and kick Joe in the balls three times! Then Tazz says "Hahahaha, it was a set up all along you biatch, I wanted you to take all the biggest threats like Shark Boy and Lauren so that I can take over TNA forever, survive if you want, DIE if I let you!" then kicks Joe in the balls a FORTH time and Don West says "that's it Mike, I QUIT!" at the exact same time in a totally unrelated storyline and storms off!

The feud between Layla and Eve is based on a REAL LIFE incident where Layla put on a pair of Eve's boots thinking they were hers and Eve said "excuse me, those are mine" and Layla said "cheerio, ever so sorry old chap, tally ho!" (she's english!) and gave them back. So as you can see there's some BAD BLOOD there!

Ric Flair WILL wrestle again but to get around the fact that he's retired all his matches will be UNSACTIONED and refereed by Little Naitch Charles Robinson who is not an OFFICIAL refereer! But the matches will still be hugely disappointing and leave you wishing he wouldn't wrestle again and he will take five backdrops in every match and hit nothing but chops!

SPEAKING of TNA, they recently recorded 14 weeks of television in 17 hours at the Impact Zone and I was in attendance so here's some NOTES on things I saw in that time be prepared for SPILLERZ!

- Backstage the Beautiful people of Angelina Sky and Velvet Love were talking about how they have to do something shocking and sex to increase ratings other than just show their asses going through the rings ropes! Velvet suggested a mud wrestling match but in a special kind of "sticky, white mud that men produce when they think about us" but I didn't know what she meant by that. Angelina came up with the idea that instead of that they would MAKE OUT sexually in the ring with a sexy kiss! They came out to the ring (and both are MUCH HOTTER in person by the way...and even hotter in my bedroom after the show!) and Mike Tenay said "NO WAY, NO WAY THIS CRAP IS GOING DOWN, THIS CRAP, THIS IS CRAP, THOSE TWO CRAPPERS, I HATE THEM, CRAP!" Just as they were about to kiss though TYLER WILDE ran out and PUNCHED them both on the mouth and when they tried to kiss it hurt their lips so they couldn't do it! And then VICTORIA (who is also HOTTER in person and than when she was in WWE becasue Undertaker insisted she make herself look less hot so as not to take attention away from Michelle McCool the bastard) ran out and hit some really slow looking punches and a double Widow's Peak on both of them then spontaneously KISSED Velvet on the lips and Velvet was INTO IT and the two of them made out for a full five minutes! Tenay reacted by jumping up on his deks dancing about licking his lips like a madman shouting "YES, YES, THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO SEE, THAT IS SO MONEY RIGHT THERE!" and West said "Mike, you're a hypocrite!" then Tenay just KICKED West right in the face full force and said "your parents were hypocrites when they didn't use birth control!" and did a crotch chop!

- The Samoa Joe/AJ storyline FINALLY came to an end when they had a match where if AJ won Joe would be his friend against but if Joe won then Daniels would have to be Joe's friend and also butler wearing one of those butle suits! Anyway the match was a draw when Daniels ran in with a DVD of Clerks which they used to all watch together and quote all the lines to each other ("I'm not even supposed to be here today lol!") and said "why can't we just all be friends again!" Then AJ and Joe both destroyed Daniels and hogtied him up and hung him from the rafters and beat him with sticks and straps and thumbtacks as he hung upside and AJ joined the Ministry of Violence!

- On another show Kip James came out dressed as a cowboy and acting like a face even though he'd been a heel on the previous show and said "that's right, let me introduce you to be my partner and my brother "Lefty" Bart "The Hammer" Gunn!" and the Smoking Gunns were back together! They then beat Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns in a 4 on 2 handicap match in three minutes then Beer Money came out and said "you know when we were growing up we wanted to be the Smoking Gunn, you guys are the best!" and had a beer with them! Then on the next taping Tenay announced the Smoking Gunns had been released.

- On another taping DAFFNEY came out to wrestle Awesome Kong and the fans cheered Daffney wildly of course (some even openly masturwanked!) because she's a HOT GOTH but then Daffney took the mic and said "you fools, I'm not a goth at all, I'm an EMO!" and the fans booed because emos suck! Awesome Kong threw packets of noodles out to the crowd and did a funny dance because she's a face now! Kong hit five implant busters until suddenly Raheesha Sayid hit KONG with a F5 and Daffney got the pin! Then Raheesha took her ARAB ROBES off and underneath she was a hot emo too so it made sense! Then her and Daffney made out and Tenay said "CRAP, CRAP, CUT THIS CRAP, CUT IT NOW!" then West said "hey, they're emos, they'll cut themselves!" and Tenay slapped him.

- Shark Boy took SoCal Val out on a date but was offended when she ordered seafood and gaver her a stunner!

- Another storyline playing out during the tapings involved Jeff Jarrett hiring LEX LUGER to take out Scott Steiner but then Luger turned on Jarrett(!!!!) and RACKED HIM UP! Then when Jarrett had recovered five seconds later he said "at Slammiversary you will wrestle SAMOA JOE in a DEATH MATCH!" Luger barbed backstage and Jeremy Boringrash ran up and said "mister Luger, mister Luger, your thoughts please on having to wrestle Joe at Slammiversary" and Luger said "what kind of a man a DISGUSTING, DESP...DECEPTICON man is that Jeffy What'shisname booking me in a match with Samoa Joe at Super Slammerday? Slamboree? Starrcade? Taboo Tuesday? What is the name of it anyway, Slammiverary? Can he even afford to pay me? Probably, I'm desperate for money! I'm one of the biggest legends of all time, GOD these pants are chaffing me..." then he tried to pull off his pants but they got stuck and he ended up writhing around on the ground trying to get them off! "And your pants are too tight too, Jeffy!" Then Scott Steiner bounced by on a pogo stick.

- The next week was supposed to have Jarrett wrestling Luger in a SHAKING RING match (a bunch of jobbers stood around the ring making it shake with their arms during the match) but Jim Cornette came out holding a brown envelope with the words "DRUG TEST" printed on it in giant letters and said "fortunately Lex Luger cannot compete tonight for VARIOUS REASONS so instead you will take on A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, SLAPTEETH!" and ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL kind of just staggered into the ring! Animal hit Jarrett with a clothesline but fell on his ass then roll out of the ring where he stood panting and struggling to breathe for about five minutes then he said "you know what I've been doing this shit for twenty five years and it's enough, I QUIT!" and stormed out! Then Jarrett stood in the ring for five minutes until ERIC YOUNG ran in dressed as Xena Warrior Princess for some reason and gave him a death valley driver and said "respect that, bookerman!" AND THEN a black guy in a Ronald Reagan mask came out to the top of the stage and POINTED at Eric Young in a threatening manner and Mike Tenay said "that's probably Bobby Lashley but we can't confirm it for legal reasons!"

- On another show the main event was Mick Foley defending the title agaisnt Sting (who had earned the shot the previous week by beating Matt Morgan in an ARM WRESTLING CONTEST) in a match where if Sting won who got co-ownership of TNA whereas if Foley won he got co-ownership of Sting's contract! Then eight seconds later KURT ANGLE Olympic slammed a shopping cart into Sting's face (BUT WAS HE AIMING FOR FOLEY!?) and the Mickster got the pin! Mick said "and NOW that I own you, Sting, I ORDER you to kiss my royal feet!" and took his shoes off and he had a STINKING FOOT underneath! Sting bent down like he was going to kiss the foot...but then he gave Mick THREE low blows instead and stomped on his toes! Sting said "in case you can't tell, that's not just a no, it's an OH HELL TOE!" and did a crotch chop!

- On another show Mike Tenay gave Don West a DDT through the announce table but I can't remember why.

It was the fourth best set of TNA tapings this year!

WWE Extreme Rules is coming soon! Not sure when, might be Sunday, might be a week on Sunday, might have already been! But it's definitaly coming (or has been)! This is a special show as it's the ONLY pay per view in HISTORY where ALL the matche will be EXTREME RULES so send the women and children to bed early (not together though unless it's Michael Jackson dressed as a woman lol)!

Christian versus Tommy Dreamer versus Jack Swigger IN EXTERME RULES MATCH - This is VERY different from a no DQ match there will be WEAPONS around the ring like garbage cans and garbage can lids! Since this is Dreamer's LAST MATCH EVER (praise Jesus (Carlito's bodyguard, NOT the fictional bible guy!)) he will pull out all his old classic moves like that dropkick in the corner he does which doesn't look very good and piledriving a woman off the ring apron through a table! That woman will be KATIE LEA the hot british crumpet as the Brits say and while he's doing that Christian will pin Swagger with that silly move he does where he hangs between the ropes and falls back so his legs hit his opponents face! Then Dreamer stands around in the ring for a while waiting for a standing ovation until security drag him away. But then TOMMY DREAMER JUNIOR who is Dreamer's son with Francine or Beulah or Sunny or someone runs into the ring and says "I'll keep the name alive, dad!" and forms a tag team with Sim Snuka the next night on RAW!

Santina (IT'S JUST SANTINO IN A DRESS. IT'S NOT EVEN THAT FUNNY) versus Vickie Guerrero in a HOG PEN match! - I'm laughing just thinking about it! Laughing...WITH RAGE! Anyway Santina comes out disguised as a PIG in a PIG COSTUME (LOL!!!) to evade Vickie as she knows she's doing the job! But then Vickie decides to use her sexuality as a weapon and starts MAKING OUT with the Santina pig! However she's actually making out with a REAL pig and she's into it (what a respectful use of Eddie Guerrero's widow!)! Then Chavo comes out and gives the pig a frog splash and it DIES and Vickie starts crying because she had fallen in love with that pig! So then Vickie TURNS FACE by slapping Chavo and sending him flying into the hog pen and Santino and Vickie do the Two Cool dance in the mud!

Coughing Kingston versus William Regal versus Matt Hardy versus MVP in a FATAL FOURWAY for the US title - As this match is a FATAL fourway that means that when you're eliminated you are shot DEAD by JR who is standing at ringside with a shotgun! LOL, only joking. He really shoots them in the LEG! LOL, only joking. It's just a normal match and Kingston wins normally. There's absolutely no reason for it to be on Extreme Rules. None.

CM Punk versus Umaga SAMOAN STRAP MATCH - Punk wins with help from a MYSTERIOUS MASKED MAN who GORES Umaga then says "that's right biatches, I'm back and I'm in a goring mood, TIME TO GET EXTREME!" It's the return of Chris Masters!

John Cena versus Da Big Show IN A SUBMSSION MATCH, OF ALL THINGS - Throughout the match Cole constantly says "there's NO WAY Cena can get Big Show in the STF!" even though Cena got the clearly larger Great Khali in the STFU two years ago (although the STF is applied slightly differently to the STFU, to be fair!) Big Show gets the dreaded camel clutch on but Cena counters by BITING Show's hand and then he puts Show's HAND into the STF and Cole says "what a genius, the STF applied only to the hand!" Then Big Shows counters with a bearhug somehow and by the way they're both at the top of the ramp and they go flying off through three tables and the match is a draw because THIS FEUD WILL NEVER END.

Rey Mysterio versus Chris Jericho in a NO HOLDS BARBED MATCH - This is VERY different from an Extreme Rules match because even in extreme rules you can't do banned moves like the FISH-HOOK and the NIPPLE CRIPPLE but you can in this match! Jeircho uses lots of MEXICAN submission holds to confuse Rey but Rey counters with lots of CANADIAN submission holds like the Canadian Bacon Armbar (it's just a normal armbar!) In the end Rey goes for the 619 but the rope SNAPS and he falls out of the ring and Jericho pins him on the floor for some reason and Jericho wins! Then you see Jericho hiding a HACKSAW under the ring (not Jim Duggan!) and JR says "WHY THAT SNEAKY BASTARD, HE MUST HAVE USED THAT HACKSAW (NOT JIM DUGGAN) TO CUT THROUGH THE ROPE SOMEHOW WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING I GUESS, WHAT A HOMO!"

Edge versus Jeff Hardy IN A LADDER MATCH - Given that in the build up to this match NO ONE has ever mentioned the fact that Matt Hardy interfered in Jeff's match at Judgment Day and that he could EASILY do so again tonight causing Jeff to lose to Edge on ppv for the third time this year you might think this means it OBVIOUSLY WILL HAPPEN and JR will act all surprised like "BY GAWD, WHERE DID MATT HARDY COME FROM, WHY DID HE INTERFERE, WHAT A FUCKING LOSER, NO WONDER LITA CHEATED ON HIM WITH CRASH HOLLY, MY GAWD BLESS HIS SOUL!" And if you DO think that, you're right!

Randy Orton versus Batista IN A CAGED FURY CAGE MATCH - Batista utterly destroys Orton for twenty minutes without Orton even gettng a chinlock in then FINALLY hits the Batista Bomb! He's about to climb out when he touches the case but suddenly there a bit spark and he's ELECTROCUTED! Then you see Cody Rhodes holding a ELECTRIFYING DEVICE up against the cage and snickering! But then RIC FLAIR comes riding down to the ring backwards on a donkey like in that Braveheart parody ad he and HHH did for WM21 to show that the punt to the head his driven him INSIDE! Flair jumps off the donkey with a FLYING CHOP on Rhodes to knock the ELECTRIFYING DEVICE out of his hands then takes a backdrop bump! But because the cage isn't electric anymore this means Ted Debiase can climb up to the top of it and dive off hitting Batista with the MILLION DOLLAR BELT (it's back!) on the way down! So Orton wins. Then afterwards Batista is PISSED ANGRY kicking the bottom rope and screwing his eyes up and stuff to show his rage and he SHOVES Flair over and is about to give him a backdrop when "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GAME!" plays! Then Batista and Flair just look around for a few minutes but HHH doesn't come out. And Cole says "DAMN IT, that MUST mean HHH is in the building, there's no other way his music could have played!" and Batista and Flair hug to send the fans home happy. Good match.

Make sure not to miss it!

And now for this year's interview with Michael Cole. Cole has now been with the WWE for twenty years (the didn't let him on tv for the first eight because he was too ugly!) so I thought it was important to talk to him in a serious and frank manner about his career and life!

Me: Is this MICHAEL COLE?

Cole: Yeah, hi.

Me: VINTAGE Michael Cole!

Cole: Yeah, hehe...

Me: The VIPERLIKE Michael Cole!

Cole: Yeah, tha'ts another thing I say...

Me: Right in the SKULL!

Cole: Yeah, I get it, I read the internet...

Me: Not sites outside the WWE UNIVERSE I hope!

Cole: Look, either ask me a sensible question or I'll fucking hang the fuck up, okay?

Me: That was good! That was like CONTROLLED FRENZY!

Cole: Look, I just try to do my job to the best of my abilities, okay?

Me: Best of your SUCKilities more like!

Cole: Do you want me to put you in a submission maneuver?

Me: You should say different things sometimes, is all.

Cole: Every commentator has things they say all the time! Gorilla Monsoon, he said "highly unlikely!" a lot, if you noticed...

Me: Oh, so you're comparing yourself now to the much loved deceased legend Gorilla Monsoon!

Cole: No, I'm not saying that...

Me: Oh so you're saying you're BETTER than Gorilla Monsson! That you're GLAD he died! I've never heard such a thing! Next you'll be saying Joey Marella wasn't a good referee!

Cole: I don't know what you're talking about!

Me: Oh, you don't even know who Joey Marella was! THAT'S TYPICAL.

Cole: Look, kid, I, umm...

Me: You're a joke, Cole, A JOKE.

Second Voice: Don't take that, Michael! Tell him you won't take that!

Cole: I'm not taking that!

Me: Huh?

Second Voice: You got him on the ropes, pal! Tell him to SHHHUT UPPP! Call him "Mister Internet Man!"

Cole: SHHHUT UPPP, Mister Internet Man!

Me: Mister Internet Man! Who fed you that line?

Second Voice: No one! SSSSHHHUTTT UPPPP!

Me: Oh my gee, is that VINCE MCMAHON feeding Michael Cole lines over the phone!

Vince McMahon: Say no.

Cole: No! It's, umm, my mother.

Me: Is she hot?

Vince: Say yes.

Cole: Uhh, yeah.

Me: OMG you're a mamajammer!

Cole: I'm not! I've never jammed her! Sir, can we just come clean?

Vince: Damn it, alright. Yeah, it's me. Yes, I feed lines to Michael Cole when he's doing interviews over the phone. What's wrong with that, pal? It's a pretty common pratice, I think you'll find. Perhaps in this new socialist Barack Obama worshipping america it's frowned upon, but not where I come from, pal!

Me: Hehe, you're insane.

Vince: SSSSSHHHHUTTTT UPPPP!

Me: While I have you hear, Mister McMahon, I have a very important question.

Vince: WHAT?

Me: What was the point of all that basketball crap a couple of last week ago about?

Vince: More damn communists using their perverted business practices to keep me down, pal!

Cole: Mister McMahon, I think it would be best if you just stopped talking...

Me: Hey, he's not supposed to speak like that to you, Vince!

Vince: That's right! I'll muss up your hair, Michael!

Me: He doesn't know what to say because you haven't fed him a line.

Vince: What should I feed him?

Me: How about you feed him...YOUR COCK!

Vince: Okay, I'll do just that...HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

Me: HOT NEWZ 8, MCMAHON 0!

(Phonecall ends.)

I sure showed them!

Back NEVER with NO more Hot Newz!!!

JOEY STYLES A FUCKING MORON? ANGELINA LOVE A BETTER WORKER THAN TRISH EVER WAS, COME ON TRISH, COME TO TNA AND WRESTLE SEXY ANGELINA IN A ONE HOUR IRON KNOCKOUT MATCH AND PROVE ME WRONG? BIG SHOW GETTING FATTER BECAUSE HE'S BEEN HANGING OUT WITH JEFF HARDY AND KEEPS GETTING THE MUNCHIES? HULK AGREES TO GIVE LINDA ALL HIS OLD PASTAMANIA RECIPES IN THE DIVORCE, LINDA RUBS HANDS TOGETHER WITH GLEE AS HER PLAN ALL ALONG HAS BEEN TO OPEN THE WORLD'S MOST SUCCESSFUL PASTA RESTAURANT? SAMOA JOE TO START CARRYING A BAZOOKA TO THE RING? PLUS HOT NAKED NUDE PICS OF SOCALVAL DRESSED AS A SCHOOLGIRL AND VICTORIA IS HER SEXY TEACHER AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE BEFORE GEOSHITTIES DELETES IT ALL!

13/4/09 - WrestleMania 25 review and MORE!!!

2009-10-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the biggest newz is that WrestleMania 25, the twenty fourth anniversary of WrestleMania (I feel sorry for great men like JR and Michael Cole being forced to act dumb and say it was the 25th anniversary!) took place on ppv and I watched it! Obviously like every year (except that year some football guy was in the main event) this is the BIGGEST newz story of the wrestling years so without further APU here's my exclusive WrestleMania review!!!

BUT FIRST some newz! Tazz has left the WWE forever! The reasons for Tazz leaving are not known to anyone (not even Tazz!) but it is SUSPECTED it is because he keeps getting a sore throat from talking so much! It is also RUMORED that Tazz wanted to return to the ring and "stretch some young guys" to teach them respect but when he said this to Vince McMahon the boss thought this meant Tazz was a homosexual and hide under his desk until security dragged him out (Vince believes himself to be irresistable to homosexuals which is why he always had Gerald Brisco standing guard whenever Patt Patterrson was in the room with him!) Tazz is the most hetero man alive (he's had Kelly Kelly!) so he quite the company at this insult! Tazz will NOW go to TNA and he'll walk out to the ring in a tight suit and Don West and Mike Tenay will have the following exchange.

Tenay: I know that man! He's a bad man, what's he doing here?

West: Hey, I like that man, even though he's not even on our roster!

Tenay: Yeah, you would like him, he's fat just like you!

West: Why you little...

(West puts Tenay in the Tazzmission!)

Then Tazz says "I'm just here to say that you fans are the greatest fans I've ever wrestled in front of even though I haven't and I want to wish you all luck and say hi to my kids and that's all I'm here for." Then just stands around for a full minute as the fans give him a standing evation for this ELOQUENT speech but then RHINO hits the ring and GORES Tazz and Tazz's tight suit bursts open to show the impact of the GORE (and also because he's fat) and Rhino says "SCREW YOUR ASS, Tazmaniac, I still remember the things you did in ECDUB man, you screwed me over, held me back, ate my breakfast and you played politics, well the only thing I play with is my PREY because I'm a hunter and you just got hunted!" and walks away through the crowd slapping hands. Then Tazz forms a tag team with Abyss three weeks later and jobs to Matt Morgan and the newly heel turned Jay "Black MachisKING" Lethal (he wears a crown now) and is then never seen again. Good angle!

Jerry Lynn has won the ROH world (ha! Have they ever defended it in Japan or England or Canada? I don't think so!) title! Basically ROH noticed that Jerry Lynn looks a lot like Mickey Rourke's character Larry the Lamb from The Wrestler so they gave him the title hoping it would fool casual fans and idiots into thinking he really WAS the Lamb! They're also goign to give him a MILF stripper manager who looks like Marissa Tomei (Sunny with her hair dyed!) Lynn was a great technical wrestler in the eighties and had many legendary matches with Rob Van Dam (there's an obscure out-dated reference for you!) and others (Justin Credible) before he rightly retired when ECW exploded but now he's BACK and ruining ROH with his sloppy matches and ugly face! ROH's ratings are so low that they're consdering bringing in Necro Butcher so that fans will confuse him with the Necro Butcher from The Wrestler!

DRAFT SPOILERS: the only thing currently booked is that JR will be drafted to Superstars without knowig it first as a hilarious rib which Vince and Kevin Dunn have been planning for the last six months! Everything else will be decided on the night and it won't matter anyway since every wrestler wrestles on all three brands.

I don't want to do a full Backlash preview since it will suck but SUFFICE IT TO SAY Batista will turn heel on HHH by hitting him with his new finisher the GANSO BOMB (look it up on youtube, kids!) but then he will turn TWEENER (look it up on Scott Keith's blog, kids!) by hitting Orton with his new secondary finisher, the roll of the dice! Then Batista will say "I'm an animal and animals have to RUN alone not in packs, so that's why I'm running alone it's nothing personal HHH and Orton but if either of you ever come near me again I will PERSONALLY slap your teeth down your throats and make you choke on them!" then walks out wiht MELINA for some reason! Then HHH just pedigress Orton and pins him anyway.

Also Edge will win on a screwjob (how else?) with help from a masked man who turns out to be KURT RYDER when Cena tracks him down but then ANOTHER masked man hits Cena in the back of the head with a brick and pulls his mask off and it's CHRISTIAN and he says "haha, I've been waiting since the Royal Rumble to do that!" in an insider reference and the era of Rated R Awesomeness kicks off (and ends when Cena easily beats Edge in a rematch three weeks later)!

Remember my last update (how could you forget it!) where I listed the greatest quotes in wrestling history? While I listed some GREAT quots which anyone can quote to their friends or co-workers, someone on The Dub rightly pointed out that I miss out one of the funniest moments from Raw in 1998 when the Nation (of Domination, not Islam) dressed up as DX!

The Rock(dressed as HHH): "You know the Hunt just came from the bathrom where he sniffted his own shit...which is funny because I'm more used to sniffing Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash's shit! And carryng their bags! And carrying matches...ha, who am I kidding, The Rock carries me everytime we wrestle!"

Owen Hart(dressed as X-Pac): "I can't smell anything, I've wrecked my nose with cocaine and weed! SUCK IT!"

D'Lo(dressed as Billy Gunn): "I'll suck it for you, then I'll ROCKABILLY all night long, I think you better recognise!"

Mark Henry(dressed as Road Dogg): "OH YOU DIDN'T KNOW? Or maybe you just didn't care! Hahaha! My old man Bullet Bob used to burn cigarettes on my neck!"

Godfather(dresed as Chyna): "I have a massive penis!"

The Rock(dressed as HHH): The Hunt will hunt that down later, baby! I'll never leave you, because no other woman would go out with me unless she was just as desperate and manly as you! Now I'm going off to play polo with Lord Steven Regal in Greenwich, but before I do DX has got two words for you: WE SUCK!"

It was so funny that it turned The Rock face (completely unplanned!) and they had to turn him heel at Survivor Series when he turned on his best friend Mankind and him him with a brick then caned his son Dewey!

Now it's FINALLY time for my WrestleMania review...after the return of SIGN IDEAS, that is!

"Forget Superstars, Bring Back Stevie Night Heat!"

"My Sign Is A Better Face Than HHH"

"Who Booked This Slut?" - to be held whenever Kelly Kelly or Tiffany are on!

"Kid Rock Is Not Welcome At The Palace Of Wisdom"

"I Wrote This Sign In The Time It Takes For Cena To Hit The Five Knuckle Shuffle"

"Matt Hardy Killed My Dog (But I Got Him Back By Shagging Lita)"

"This Sign Is A Steroid Test. RUN!"

"I Bet Dusty Loves Cody More"

"Tiffany Can Be General Manager...OF MY BED!!"

"Bring Back Boogeyman...Then Fire Him Again!"

"BRIE AND NIKKI, HOW ABOUT AN INCEST ANGLE? (NOT A KURT REFERENCE SO DON'T TAKE THIS SIGN PLEASE!)"

"KOKO B WARE PUT MY BUTT IN THIS SEAT (he's an usher now!)"

"BATISTA BOMB (this sign is a FUTURE REFERENCE to the first WWE film he does!)"

"I Only Saw 12 Rounds Because I Thought It Was 7 Pounds!"

"I'm In The Kelly Kelly Klan!"

"Paul WIGHT POWER!"

"Cane Stewie (From Family Guy (That Show Isn't As Funny Anymore!)!)!"

Wow, that's a lot of signs! Thanks to my friend Old Twangy for the racist ones (he's racist!)

Anyway, now FINALLY for my WrestleMania review which you've been waiting 25 years for! This review is best read REALLY FAST in a loud voice to a friend!

WrestleMania kicked off with the hot one from the Kitty Cat Dolls singing some song about a shining sea! I went to update my twitter while it was going on (the update read "I AM WATCHING WRESTLEMANIA NOW" and was very well received!)

Next up as anyone in the world could predict was Money In The Bank! It is now so predictable that WWE will just lazily throw a bunch of guys into Money In The Bank every year and open the show that you can also accurately predict at which point on the show they'll all be diving out of the ring right down to this year's lame comedy dive by Hornswoggle! Anyway despite this sucking more than any money in the bank has ever sucked before it was still a great match because it had the traditonal mix of kewl Shelton Benjamin spots and funny blown Shelton Benjamin spots (I hear if he gets through one whole Money In The Bank without blowing a spot then he gets to win the next year!) Kofi Kingstone also did some SWEETASS innovative spots but also totally BLEW a spot where he was climbing a ladder Mark Henry was holding and FELL OFF but luckily that great man Mark Henry caught him and probably saved his life so good job Mark Henry! Money In The Bank is always a dangerous match and unfortunately this year we saw Mark Henry and Kane suffering devastating injuries which kept them out of the match for ten minutes (surely they werne't just lying outside the ring while everyone else worked hard!) so get well soon to both of them! In the end CM PUNK won after knocking the brave Kane off the ladder with some PURO KNEES like they do in Japan and the fans BOOED THE SHIT OUT OF HIM! However, they weren't booing Punk (why would they, he's so cool and not at all up himself!) they were actually booing the decision to give Jerry Lynn the ROH world title! They decided to boo at this point as Punk is associated with ROH and it was the biggest show of the years and people would actually be watching, rather than boo at a ROH show! So that makes sense now! ****1/2

Next up was the worst thing to ever happen on WWE ppv: a 25 minute Kid Rock concert! Even thought Kid Rock is probably the greatest LIVING musician of all time (the best dead one is Ozzy Osbourne!) this still went on WAY TOO FRAKKING LONG! It was so long that I went to read my twitter but found it had EXPLODED with comments from all my fans saying that this was going on way too long! Then I checke Miz's twitter and at three minutes it read "Morrison and I are ready to go on, hurry up Kid Rock!" then at five minutes it said "Just do All Summer Long and get off the stage, Kid!" then at ten minutes it read "AAAH THEY CANCELLED OUR MATCH FOR THIS SHIT, WATCH THE DIRT SHEET FOR FULL DETAILS PRESENTED IN A COMICAL MANNER, AAAH" so that's the REAL story of why there was no tag match and don't believe any of that propaganda about it being a dark match!

Anyway the WWE got so sick of Kid Rock singing that they just sent all the Divas out while he was still performing to shut him up as his mouth hung open at the sexiness of them all! This meant the Divas weren't even announced but amongst the Divas in the match were "legends" such as Torrie Wilson, Victoria, Molly Holly (but no camera shots of her SWEET SWEET ASS), DX Tori, Joy Giavoni (seriously!), Velvet McIntyre and Sally Sexpants (remember her?) But let's face it the only two anyone wanted to see were Trish and Lita but Trish wasn't allowed to compete because her hair is the wrong color now and Lita showed up at the arena but never made it to the ring because she ended up having sex with Edge right in front of Matt Hardy agani! (Nidia also showed up backstage but she wasn't even supposed to be in the match, she was just trying to get back together with Hurrican Helms. When he rejected her she moved on to Jamie Noble and when HE rejected her she gave Kung FuNaki a handjob!) So this match sucked. For a minute I thought Perry Saturn had shown up in his dress to win the match but sadly it just turned out to be Santino (who I HATE remember!) NEGATIVE DUD.

Next up was Chris Jericho versus Roddy the Piper, Jimmy Snukafly and Ricky Steampunk! As predicted (BY ME) Jericho made Snuka tap out in four seconds with the walls! Piper lasted longer and even hit the CACTUS CLOTHESLINE but got his wrist caught in the ropes in a subtle SHOT at Mick Foley (saying Foley will get HIS wrist stuck when he wrestles Jarrett at the next TNA ppv!) who Piper HATES! Then Jericho pinned him with a Rock Bottom for some reason and FINALLY it was time for the match to start when the old Steamster got in there! Luckily Steamboat's performance suppressed even my WILDEST dreams (and they're pretty wild!) as he hit amazing moves like ARM DRAGS (which he invented, arm DRAG(ON), they're named after him!) and chops! But he is still REALLY OLD so Jericho just pinned him with a codebreaker a minute later.****

Next it was time for Mickey Rourke to look from side to side, slowly stand up, slowly walk through the barricade, slowly take his jacket and hat off, slowly look to the fans again and again (to no reaction) slowly climb up the steps, slowly stand at the end of the ring, slowly get in the ring and finally slowly lay Jericho out with a STIFF punch! Jericho and Rourke were actually supposed to wrestle for another five minutes but Jericho was knocked LOOPY by the punch and couldn't continue! * for the punch!

Next was finally time for Matt and Jeff Hardy to settle their differences EXTREMELY publically! Everyone on the internet was saying the problem with this match is that no one actually wants to see them fight...well I'm SOMEONE and I want to see them fight! I want to see them rip each other's faces off! I want to see Jeff swanton Matt from the top of building and through so many table that Matt and Jeff are just ATOMS by the time they get to the bottom! Anyway, this match was a let down because they hardly even killed each other at all and just when it seemd to get potentially good when Matt was SHOOT BLEEDING out of his ear a guy with a towel ran up and wiped the blood away because you can't see blood on PG WWE! This was so pathetic that I punched my own groin! It's stupid because if kids don't get to see blood at a young age then they'll never know what it is and one day they'll start bleeding and they won't know what this red stuff coming out of them is and they'll think it's MILK like what comes out of cows and they'll try to drink it! That's probably why kids start cutting themselves. Anyway, Matt won by putting a chair around Jeff's neck and giving him the twist of fate! This move might have looked cool but it wouldn't even really have hurt as I did it to my little brother afterwards and it didn't even hurt him! He started spitting up blood an hour later but that was totally unrelated I'm sure! The match SHOULD OF ended when the Prince Of Punk Shannon Moore ran in and helped Matt win and said "yes I am a Mattitude Follower again and I drink Banana Juice, HUUUH!" but then on Smackdown Hurricane Helms saves Jeff from being killed by the MFers and says "yes I am a JEFFITUDE follower, you will bleed the tears of angst, biatch!" setting up a big tag team feud for the rest of the year! But I guess you can't expect the WWE to do anything as cool as I can think of.****

Next up was JBL defending against Rey Mysterio! Backstage before the match JBL threw a FIT when he found out he had to do the job and refused to go out there but WWE got Joey Styles to threaten him until he agreed to lose! The matchw as supposed to last ten minutes, JBL did hit a cool big boot right at the start (it looked really cool because Rey is so short and the boot could LITERALLY take his head off!) before the bell and it might have been STIFF so Vince shouted out from the back that Rey should squash him now (if you turn the sound up extra loud you can hear this!) And he did! Rey won with the "straight arms" splash (his arms are straight when he hits it) then JBL grabbed the mic from Lillian (bet he grabbed her tits too!) and said "I QUIT, I QUIT, I QUIT!"***

Next up it was time for the ONLY match ANYONE actually wanted to see, a match SO GOOD that there was no point in me even reviewing ANY other match or in you READING any of those reviews, the old Heart Break Kid Shawn Michales versus the old Phenomoen Booker Red Big Devil The Man From The Darkside The American Badass The Underweartaker (joke, lol, it's Undertaker!) This match was BATSHIT NUTS as Undertaker did moves he hasn't done in YEARS (well, one year) like the big dive where he lands right on his head (not sure why he does that!) and of course the Googleimagesearch! Shawn responded with such moves as a fucked-up figure four (Cole just called it a figure four as you can't say "fucked-up" on ppv!) and chops which he must have learned from Ric Flair or possibly Kamala! In the end all they could do was just hit each other with finishes and kick out until it was time for the match to end! This is what great wrestling is all about and if you look at any Japanese match (where wrestling was INVENTED) you'll see they all follow this pattern! So anyway Shawn moonsaulted into a tombstone and not even Marty Jannetty in his prime ever hit Shawn with anything like that so one two three it was over! I dont know what rating to give this because on the one hard it was GREAT but on the other hand they were obviously trying REALLY HARD to make it great and that's kind of cheating in a way so...*****!

Next up was the triple threat match between Edge, The Big Show and John Cena! Cena's gay WrestleMania entrance this year involved ten thousand FAKE Cenas lining the aisle and doing his hand thing! These were not REALLY clones of Cena of course but a mixture of indy wrestlers (like Bryan Dragonson, Austin Ataris, Extreme Edric and Scott Vick), Cena's friends and family (if you look closely some of them had tits, those were Cena's hot sisters and hot girl cousins!) and people who won the chance to be a Fake Cena in a cereal packet! Anyway, the match sucked (what a shock!) as Edge only hit two moves the entire match, the DDT and the spear and they may as well have just had Brian Kendrick in there instead as Edge is such a jobber now (and Kendrick is cuter, the girls tell me!) Everyone got excited when Cena lifted both Big Show AND Edge up at the same time for the FU (I REFUSE to call it the Attitude Adjustment because I don't think it actually does adjust attitude) but even this wans't all that impressive because if you look closely Edge had actually just jumped into the air and was hovring several inches above Big Show when Cena SUPPOSEDLY picked them both up so Cena isn't really taht strong at all. Cena won with the Attitude Adjustment (actually, that name is pretty cool, I'm going to be an internet pioneer again and use it ALL THE TIME) on Show then Attitude Adjusted Edge ONTO Show (so Show got his attitude adjusted twice which would have brough him back to his original attitude!) for da pin!!!*

Now was FINALLY time for our main event (I felt like I'd been waiting three and a half hours!) of The Game Triple HHH in his quest to win the world title...oh wait, he already has it...his quest for revenge against Randy Orton...oh wait, he kicks Orton's ass everytime they get in a ring (or even in Orton's home!)...his quest to kick Orton's ass again with lots of punches and stomps in a boring crappy match! And I think we can all agree Triple H was even more successful in this quest than Frodo was in throwing the Ring into Mount Doom (he needed a run-in from Gollum!) This match showed the NEW STYLE of lots of punches and stuff until eventually Orton tried to use the sledgehammer but in a CLEVER IRONIC TWIST HHH got it off him and used it himself! I wonder how long it took them to come up with that great finish! Then Vince was supposed to do a run in and pretend to turn heel on HHH but then SWERVE and hit Orton with a BARBED WIRE sledgehammer and say "That was for my daughter, homo, SUCK IT!" and do a crotch chop and that would have obviously saved the show but Vince tripped running to the ring and broke knees so HHH just punched Orton a few times then gave him the pedigree!*

The curse of even numbered WrestleManias continues!

I'll be bizzack (I remembered "izz"!) NEVER THIS IS THE LAST HOT NEWZ EVER with more Hot Newz for you doodz see you then!

CENA CHALLENGES ROCK TO MARIO KART TOURNAMENT? BIG SHOW AND VICKIE HAVING REAL LIFE AFFAIR, CHAVO JEALOUS BUT SOMEWHAT AROUSED? BATISTA FAKED HIS INJURY TO GET A FEW MONTHS OFF TO SPEND MORE TIME BANGING BROADS? LANCE STORM'S BLOG HUGELY OVERRATED? KIDMAN SPOTTED EATING A FOOT LONG HOT DOG? RHYNO SICK OF HOT NEWZ'S CONSTANT JOKES ABOUT HIM RANDOMLY GORING PEOPLE WITH NO EXPLANATION THREATENING TO GORE HOT NEWZ BUT THEN EXPLAIN HIMSELF? NEW RED DWARF A HUGE LETDOWN BUT IT SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED REALLY SINCE ROB GRANT DIDN'T RETURN TO CO-WRITE IT? PLUS THE MOST HOTTEST MOST AMAZING NAKEDEST NUDEST EXPLOSED NIPPLE SLIPPEST PICS OF JOY GIAVONI BACKSTAGE AT WRESTLEMANIA TRYING TO FIND OUT WHY SHE WAS RELEASED IN THE FIRST PLACE BECAUSE REMEMBER WE NEVER FOUND OUT THE REASON BUT IT WAS PROBABLY SOMETHING TO DO WITH MELINA AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE AND HOT NEWZ NAKED CLICK HERE!

8/3/09 - The greatest quotes in wrestling history!

2009-10-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the "big" newz this month is that the WrestleMania 25 IS JUST SOME UNITS OF TIME away! However I don't think this is really big newz since this year's WrestleMania 25 card is the worst WrestleMania 25 card I've ever seen! HHH versus Randy Orton, AGAIN? How many times have we seen that now...FOUR? That's two too many (one match and a rematch is acceptable!) John Cena versus Edge versus Big SLOW? It makes me sick to my stomach! One of those three does NOT belong in a WM main event and I think you all know who I mean (Cena)! Chris Jericho keeps beating up legends but instead of fighting a REAL legendat WM like Flair or Bret Hart or The Warlord or Mickey Rourke he's going to be fighting Jerry "The Burger King" Oliver who is really fat (he eats burgers)! They might as well have a Melina versus Maryse match on the card it's so bad already...wait a minute, they do? GAY OUT LOUD!

So instead of previewing WrestleMania or reviewing anything (because my reviews are too long to read, apparently!) here is my collection of the ALL TIME GREATESTEST wrestling quotes of all time! These are quoted VER BATMAN from my memory so don't try to correct me (but if you're a hot girl, DO try to erect me!) These quotes are listed in no particular order but they all have one thing in common: they're great! Let's get started!

1. DDP's speech on RAW after revealing himself as Sara (the Undertaker's butter face wife!)'s stalker in 2001 (so old most of you weren't even born then!)

(DDP rips his mask off.)

DDP: "It's me! D D P! BANG! And like the Diamond Cutter, haha, you never say it COMING, haha! I know you've all got questions! QUESTIONS you want to know the answers to! I know you all want to know why I'd stalk Sara and steal her underwear, masturwank in them, then return them to her! I know you all want the BUZZ on why I did the things I did! Well guess what, chumps? I'm gong to give you all the answers you can handle - (fans CHEER) - in a lonng, rambling incoherent promo - (fans BOO) - that will answer all your questions with answers! (Fans say "what?") But just when you think you've got the questions figured out, I might change the answers, haha! BANG! It all started when I was walking down the street one day and I saw Sara, the Undertaker's wife! It was an amazing coincidence! And I thought to myself 'man, that chick is NOT hot enough to stalk!' But then I remembered some advice my dad gave me when I was a little diamond, he said to me that if you want to be FAMOUS you go after the biggest, baddest, toughest, DEADEST hombre in the yard, and Undertaker, that's you, brah! And there's nothing I want more to be FAMOUS, and being in WCW hardly even counts! So I stalked your wife UnderBAKER so that YOU would make me famous, brah-ha-ha! Brah-ha-BING! My whole life, since I was eight years old, people have been telling me I'm just too OLD and CREEPY LOOKING to make it to the shizzow, to be famous...but I proved their asses wrong because I'm the man that BE! Famous! Bang!"

This promo was so great that the Undertaker was SCARED of losing his spot to DDP and used his influence to hold the man down!

2. Vince Russo shoots on Hulk Hogan at Bash at the Beach 2000

Russo: "Alright you mooks in the back, don't ya dare cut my mic because I'm shooting from the hip here, brahs! Don't look at your schedule, Schiavone, because this ain't scheduled! Earlier tonight we saw Hulk Hogan lie down and let Jeff Jarett pin him. You know why? BECAUSE WRESTLING IS FAKE. That's right ya mooks, every single match you've watched tonight has been fake. Fake fake fake! I know you like to suspend your disbelief and pretend they're real when you watch them, but I'm here to tell you they were FAKE CRAP and you all wasted your money! But think about this, even though they were all fake, Hulk Hogan STILL refused to lose to Jeff Jarett tonight! Thats' right, that's the kind of man the Huckster is, he wouldn't even lose in a fake fight! FAKE! So I worked that old bastard, I told him if he lay down for Jarrett tonight, then tomorrow night on Nitro I'd let him run over Jeff with a monster truck. BUT I LIED! I fooled his ass! I just SET FIRE to his monster truck! He's probably discovering it now! He won't be able to run over Jeff Jarrett with a pile of ashes! And you know the reason why I did it was for YOU fans, you stinking ingrate fans of this fake crap, who don't want to see Hogan in the main event anymore, you want to see younger stars like Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner and Lex Luger and Abdullah the Butcher and Kidman, all those young kids! So that's why I did the things I did and that's why ratings have gone up by a whole QUARTER POINT since I took over WCW and that's why Vince McMahon is on his cell phone to the cops right now telling them to arrest me for exposing the business, but there's nothing you can do about it Vince, there's nothing you can do to stop the rise and rise of WCW, one company, under ME, SUCK IT, BRAH!"

Then he did a crotch chop and left and Schiavone said "he burned a monster truck!"

3. Chris "Monday" Jericho (hi CRZ!) debuts on RAW way back in 1999!

Jeircho: "WELCOME to RAW is JERICHO!!! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation! That's right, I'm the new thousand years for the WWF, jackclowns! Now for those of you who DON'T know me MY NAME is Chris Jericho and I am a big bad booty daddy from Canada who's come here to kiss all your women and smash their thumbs with hammers! So watch out, Chyna! And for those of you who DO know me, well, wasn't that 'man of a 1004 holds' thing I did with Dean Malenko a year ago funny? Yes it was! Now you might wonder why I'm here. Good question! Chris Jericho has come to SAVE the WWF! From jerkclowns like THAT ONE in the ring, The Rock! Hey The Rock, why do they call you The Rock anyway? Is it because you're dumb as a bag of rocks? Ha! And also Road Dogg. I've come to save you from Road Dogg. So anyway, get your party hats on, inflate some balloons, because we're going to party like it's 1999...oh wait, it is! But it's not Y2K, it's Y2J! What does that stand for? Umm, don't think about it. JUST ACCEPT the fact that I'm here and I'm going to start doing a crappy version of the liontamer called the walls of Jericho, even though the lionsault is still called the lionsault, and things will NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVAAAAAAAAAA ever...wait, I got that wrong....NEVER....EVAAAAAAAAAAAAA by the same...aGAYne!

Rock: "After nine boring minutes, The Rock says know your role and shut your hole! How dare you, little jabroni come on the ROCK'S SHOW and not even have the class to introduce yourself...what is your name?

Jericho: "I told you, jerknose, it's..."

Rock: "IT MATTERS NOT WHAT YOUR NAME IS!"

Jericho: "So why did you ask me then?"

Rock: "So I could pwn you!"

Jericho: "Damn it!"

Rock: "Ha! EPIC FAIL!"

That's right, The Rock invented both "pwn" and "epic fail" in one promo, a fact which has been lost in the MISTS OF TIME but I've just uncovered it!

4. Andre The Giant challengers Hulk Hogan to a title match at WrestleMania 3 on PIper's Pit

Roddy Piper: "Hahaha, I can't wait for that crazy new show ALF to start soon! And now Hulk Hogan!"

Hogan: "Well you know something brother, I can't wait for ALF either, and I can't wait to beat whoever I face in the main event at WrestleMania, be it King Kong Bundy or just you again, brother!"

Andre: "Actually how about you give me the match."

Hogan: "What!?!?!?"

Andre: "I am undefeated for twenty years and want to be world champion!"

Hogan: "No! NOOO! Please don't do it, Andre, please don't challenge me to a match, even though you deserve one! We're best friends and, more than that, you're really tall! You might beat me if we wrestle! How can you put me in that position, brother!"

Andre: "Haha, it feels good to be evil!"

(Hogan gets down on his knees and begs.)

Hogan: "Please don't make me fight you! I can't face having to take on a real challenge! Let me wrestle the Moondogs or something!"

Andre: "Haha, suck me giant dick while your'e down there."

(Fans laugh. Andre rips Hogan's t-shirt off. Fans cheer.)

Piper: "Theyr'e cheering because they're homos and then want to see Hulk's bare chest!"

Andre: "By the way, I'm FRENCH!"

(Fans boo.)

Great heeling by Andre there!

5. Matt Hardy returns to RAW in 2005 and shoots on Edge!

Matt: "That's right! This isn't a ROH show, this is RAW and I'm back! But this isn't a happy occasion, so stop cheering me, fans! I know you love cheering me, but stop! Because this is serious, this is dark, this is twisted, this is my soul laid bare, this is a myspace post in person! This is all about my real life love for AMY DUMAS who you fans know only as Lita and my best friend ADAM COPELAND who you fans know as Edge! Take a minute to wrap your brains around that!

(Matt stops talking for a full minute as the fans just look confused and bored.)

Matt: "Okay, we're back! Now as many of you know, on TELEVISION Lita was married to Kane. But she went HOME at night to be with ME in my bed where we had SEX. Why didn't Kane know about this? Because he's a retard, duh! Why isn't Lita cheating on Kane with me as bad as Lita cheating on me with Edge? BECAUSE THIS IS REAL. EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE BOTH BEING USED AS WRESTLING STORYLINES. Lita, you bitch, you harlot, I stayed with your ass for years! Despite your face going weird! I stayed with you DESPITE your face going weird, DESPITE your crappy promos and sloppy matches...all because you have giant tits! No, not just that! Also because, umm, I liked your personality and stuff. WE WERE SOUL MATES. Then Edge, that human piece of shit, that shitman, that toilet paper avoider, who STOLE YOU by being better in bed than me, came along and ruined everything! He tried to KILL ME in a metaphorical sense, but Matt Hardy WILL NOT DIE in a metaphorical sense! Lita, Edge, I WILL KILL YOU BOTH live on pay per view at Summerslam in a literal sense...then we'll see who the real loser is!"

This resulted in Edge squashing Matt in five minutes at Summerslam. LOL.

6. Ric Flair retuns on Nitro, shoots on Bischoff in 1998!

Arn Anderson: "And now let me introduce the first horseman...Dean Malenko! Okay, he's boring. And now, Chris Benoit! Yeah, he's boring too. He'll never do anything crazy or make the headlines! And now, the third horseman, who's only a horseman to justify his massive salary, Mongo McMichael! Well that's about it, nothing much left to say...my God, I almost forgot the fourth horseman! Ric Flair, get your narrow ass out here!"

Ric Flair: "Whooo! The greatest...whooo! The greatest of all...whoooo! The greatest of all time! WHOOO! I walked that aisle and I say to myself, I say 'Ric? You're the greatest, WHOOOO, the greatest of ALL time!' WHOOOOO! And sexy ladies? I'm going to have sex on all of you, whooo!"

Bischoff: "Cut his damn mic!"

Flair: "YOU! You can't cut my mic, it's already cut! YOU! Over-bearing ass! You're an ass! An asshole! Over-bearing ass! You're a bear! YOU! You suck! I hate your guts! Your guts suck! I hater your bear! YOU! Fire me? I'm already fired! I'm already fired! I mean, suspended. Suspend me? I'm already suspended! WHOO! EGOTISTICAL! WHOOO! FIRE ME, I'M ALREADY FIRED! GET MORE PUSSY IN ONE NIGHT, WHOO, THAN YOU GET IN A LIFETIME! WHOOO!"

(Flair dances and elbow drops Mongo's foot.)

I suppose you had to be there.

7. Steve Austin wins the King Of The Ring in 1996

Dok Hendrix: "Heeeeeeeeeey, Handsome Dok Hendrix here! And now, introducing the new king of the ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin! Or should I say Stone Cold KING Austin?"

Austin: "No, you shouldn't!"

(Fans boos because they love Dok.)

Austin: "SHUT UP! Or I'll make you into UGLY Dok Hendrix by kicking your butt! Or by kicking your face until it looks like your butt!"

(Fans boo ever louder.)

Vince: "We apologise for the lanuage used by Steve Austin."

Austin: "Jake The Drunk, you old drunk, you ain't nothing but a drunk! You go to church and pray to your Jesus like he actually ever existed, then you go home and you thump your bible even harder than I thump my wife! Jake, you talk about your psalms, you talk about your Cain and Able, your Kane and The Undertaker, you talk about Noah's Ark even though it's highly unlikely he could round up two of every animal in the entire world, you talk about your John 3:16? Well Austin 3:16 says I just opened your ass! I mean, opened a can of whoop-ass. On your ass! I mean...let me start again."

Dok: "Okay, it's only an Ahmed Johnson match next anyway, we're in no hurry to get to that!"

Austin: "Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!"

Vince: "MY GOD!"

(Several audience members faint at the use of the word "ass" as it is 1996!)

Of course now they only show the end part.

8. The Rock shoots on Billy Gunn 1999

Rock: "Billy Gunn, YOU ROODY POO, you think you can step into the ring with the Rock? Well the Rock might as well be wrestling Gangrel! Or The Goon! Or a lightheavyweight! That's how much you suck, Billy! And the only reason you won King Of The Ring is because you fought X-Pac in the final and he's the only person who sucks more than you! Hell even your brother Bart won the Brawl For All, what have you won? The SUCK FOR ALL? You suck! Beating you at Summerslam will mean nothing because you suck so much and people shouldn't even order the show because it'll be waste of money! Even God thinks you suck, and he's God!"

I don't know why this one is so highly regarded to be honest.

9. Rikish reveals that HE ran over Austin!

Mick Foley: "You see I went back and looked at the car that ran over Austin and I found that the seat has been adjusted for a FAT LARGE MAN of 400 pounds. Somehow no one else had noticed this in the last year. And also there were lots of twinkie wrappers on the floor. And choclate smeared into the dashboard. And a raw fish under one of the seats. And a 'how to dance' instructional book. All this led me to believe that the man who drove the car and ran over Austin was a FAT, DANCING SAMOAN...

Rikishi: "But who, detective Foley?"

Foley: "YOU!"

Rikishi: "Ho ho ho ho! Well played! Well played indeed, my friend. Yes. Okay. I admit it. I did it. I ran over Austin all by myself without Triple H paying me to do it or anything. But I didn't do it for me! Or for the money Triple H wasn't paying me. No. NO! I did it...FOR THE ROCK! Ho ho ho ho! You see the WWF has always been about the great WHITE hope. Maybe you all can't see it because you're too WHITE to notice. But I'm samoan and so is The Rock! And black. BUT HIS HEART IS SAMOAN. And we samoans look out for each other. Remember the Headshrinkers? Remember what a great tag team they were? Yet how many times did they win the tag team titles? NOT ONCE. I don't think...don't look it up. But look at all the great champions in WWF history. Hulk Hogan? White. Bob Backlund? Pasty white. Ultimate Warrior? He tried to hid it with facepant, but he was WHITE. Bruno Sammartion? Italian...but not samoan! That's why I did it! The only way a samoan could ever win a world title was if I ran over Steve Austin first! Huh? What do you mean The Rock won his first world title a year before I ran over Austin? Shut up! More WHITE lies! I'll run you all over! Ho ho ho ho! By the way, I never even liked dancing."

Unfortunately this promo was TOO REAL and the WWF chickened out and revealed that HHH had hired Rikishi to do it and that "racism doesn't exist in wrestling at all so STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, okay pal?" (to quote MICHAEL HAYES.)

10. Scott Steiner shoots on the Dudleyz on some TNA ppv a while ago

Blond Interviewer: "So..."

Scott Steiner: "Shut up blondie or I'll give you a Steiner screwdriver and I don't mean my finishing move...I mean my penis. Team 3 DUDLEY! You guys suck, but when I say you suck, I mean you suck down food at the dinner table and that's why you have such FAT ASSES. That's right! You got FAAAT AAAASSSSSES! You're scared of me and you want to run, but you can't run, but you should run lickety spliff, but you can't, why? Because you got such FAAAAT AAAAAAASSSSSES! The APA stiffed you guys when you debuted in the WWF, but there was nothing you could do about it, becuase you got such FAAAAAAAAT AAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSES! What happened to little Spike? Oh, I know, he suffocated because you sat on him with your LARGE BUTTS! And by that I mean your FAAAAAAAAAAAT ASSSSSES! You two aren't even real brothers, it's just a stupid gimmick that all these marks fell for, because they were hypnotised by your FAAAAT ASSSSES! Come on, Buff, let's go."

Rick Steiner: "Umm, I'm Rick Steiner. I think."

Scott Steiner: "Oh yeah, the FAT ASSED faced Germlin!"

Rick Steiner: "That's me!"

TNA you rule!

11. X-Pac shoots on Eric Bischoff on RAW 1998

X-Pac: "Well look who it is, it's me! SUP BITCHNIZZLES? Hey Eric, bet you never thought you'd see me on RAW, did you? Bet when you FIRED ME you never thought I'd show up on RAW and shoot on your, bitchteeth, but that's EXACTLY what I'm doing! I'm going to let you all in on a little secret about Eric Bischoff...he's gay! He takes it up the ass! He takes so much up the ass that his ass hurts but he says he wants more because that's how gay he is! He has sex with men! And he eats shit! The only reason Kevin Nash and Scott Hall still work for WCW is because they're being HELD HOSTAGE! That and the millions of dollars they're paid. Eric, you're so gay, man! Gay as a brick! And I know what goes on behind closed doors between you and Hulk Hogan: you have gay sex together! So Eric, I want nothing to do with your gay ass because homosexuality is gay, and by the way I've got two words for you, SUCK IT!

(X-Pac gives Cactus Jack a Bronco Buster.)

HMM, isn't there something GAY about the Bronco Buster? That's right, there is...that move wouldn't even hurt at all! How gay!

Add your own favouritest promos to the list!

I'll be back soon with something see you then!

MICK FOLEY NOW LESS RESPECTED THAN GEORGE W BUSH? STING/ANGLE EMPTY ARENA MATCH ACTUALLY HAPPENED BECAUSE NO FANS WOULD BUY TICKETS TO A TNA SHOW AND THE ARENA WAS SHOOT EMPTY? WWE TO LAZILY HAVE ABOUT 18 PEOPLE IN MONEY IN THE BANK THIS YEAR BECAUSE IT'S TOO HARD TO COME UP WITH A PROPER UNDERCARD FOR A WRESTLEMANIA NOW, APPARENTLY? KOSLOV TO BE ADDED TO UNDERTAKER/MICHAELS MATCH AS SPECIAL REFEER AND CALL IT RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE THEN BECAME A COMEDY "IN SOVIET RUSSIA, CHAIR SITS ON YOU!" TYPE FACE? DICK TOGO SET FOR RETURN UNDER NEW "EVIL CLOWN" GIMMICK? BOBBY LASHLEY AND TATANKA TO RENEW SMACKDOWN RIVALRY IN RING OF HONOR? BRAD SHAW AND JOEY STYLES PATCH THINGS UP OVER A NICE ITALLIAN MEAL AND THE CHEF IS NONE OTHER THAN TAZZ? BIG BULLY BUSICK? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF ALICIA FOX MAKING THE TRANSITION FROM WEDDING PLANNER TO DANCER BY SHAKING HER NAKED ASS IN FRONT OF MY CAMERA AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVCE CLICK HERE!

25/1/09

2009-10-18T12:41:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more hot newz! And the big newz is that hte Royal Rumble is coming, the GREATEST ppv of the year (except last year when Cena won, and all those times Triple H won, and that time Benoit won which seemed cool at the time but is a bit disturbing to watch back now!) Everyone in the WOLRD has their favorite Royal Rumble moment! For some it's when Ric Flair lasted two hours to win the 1991 Rumble. For some it's when Vince McMahon ran down at the ring and tore both quads at the 2005 Rumble (and that was pretty funny!) For me it's when Drew Carey offered Kane money to not kill him and Kane just titled his head to the side because he does not understand the concept of monetary currency! THis was great acting from Kane (better than anything Drew Carey himself has ever done let's be honest!) and should have won him an Oscar or something! Maybe if he'd died like Heath Ledger (may he rest in peace!) he'd get a sympathy one! I guess being LIVING DEAD doesn't count! I also liked the one where Undertaker brutally smashed Maven's head through a popcorn machine, then ATE the popcorn, then stuffed popcorn into the big gaping hole he'd just made in Maven's skull, then SERVED the blood-stained popcorn to CHILDREN from Maven's head! In fact those might have been in the same Rumble! In which case things really WERE better in the old days and the best days of our lives are GONE and all we have to look forward to is DEATH which will come a lot sooner than any of us think! But anyway, Royal Rumble this month!

WWE has fired a whole bunch of people! Not only have they fried losers no one cares about like JOHNNY DEVELOPMENTAL (who was in developmental!) they've also fired actual genuine cool people like D'Lo Brown and Val Venis! THis is just lazy and a huge mistake since TNA will steal up D'Lo and Val and put them under masks and turn them into a tag team named "They're Not Even On Our Roster!" who will beat Samoa Joe in a handicap match in their debut, lose to Jeff Jarrett the next week when Kip James turns face to help Jeff, turn on each other, have a blindfold match on ppv which Val wins after cheating by removing his blindfold, both disappear for three weeks then return as a tag team with no mention of the fact that they were just feuding! And no one wants that to happen! So I think WWE should hire back D'Lo and Val and here is my brilliant booking idea for how they should use them!

D'Lo comes out on RAW and says "I need to get my ass some god-ass respect around this ass if you recognise what I'm saying! Show me some respect or I'll give you a sudden impact, Stephanie!" (The sudden impact is that seated clothesline he did to Santino on his RAW debut and JR said "BAH GAWD THE SUDDEN IMPACT, HE'S BEATEN MANY A JAP IN JAPAN WITH THAT, LET ME TELL YA!" But then he never did it again and JR was moved to Smackdown as punishment for saying the word "jap".) Then instead of Stephanie out comes VAL VENIS in his old towel and everything and says "HELLO D'Lo! You know something, the Big Valbowski was going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as his old gimmick, but instead of doing that how about I actually WRESTLE ON TV for the first time in three years, HEH HEH HEH!" So they just start wrestling and Val hits his mooves (remember his moves!) and goes up top for the money shot and hits it but when he does he holds his ribs in pain and D'Lo pulls down his tights to reveal a CHEST PROTECTOR underneath! ANd D'Lo gets the pin with the Sudden Impact (what else!) and says "I wasn't the only one invited to that fancy dress party!" and starts to walk away but Val charges at him for REVENGE and their heads CLASH and both men are carried backstage on stretchers and Cole says "Did you hear that, King, that was a VINTAGE noggin knocker, both SKULLS colliding there, I think they're probably dead but find out after the break!"

Then after the break D'Lo and Val are lying backstage out of it and GOLDUST gives them mouth to mouth to revive them (and touches both their dicks to stay in character as he does!) And they both wake up with AMNESIA and they look at each other in their old gimmicks and they look at Goldust in his old gimmick and think it's still 1998! Then all three (Goldust plays along becase he knows he'll get fired as soon as he isn't in a storyline!) go to Smackdown and aboslutely murder Kung Fu Naki with chairshots and set him on fire as revenge for him choppy-choppying Val's pee-pee! Then they form a comedy mid card tag team and lose every week but say funny 1998 things like "suck it!" and "Nitro sucks!" which makes the team worthwhile!

Bob Holly was also released but he can't be including in this angle because he sucked just as bad in 1998 as he does now.

I THINK YOU'LL AGREE that would be a great angle!

Cena's moves have all had their names brutally taken away! This is because little kids were asking their parents what "FU" stood for and all the parents replied "err, the Throw...Up. Because he throws the bad guys UP into the air!" But then the kids would say that "throw" doesn't start with a "f" and the parents would have NO CHOICE but to say "FUCK" in front of their kids! And obviously this situation couldn't continue to be allowed to continue so now his finisher is called the THROWBACK because he THROWS the bad guys onto their BACK! And the STFU is now called the STF which is stupid because there's still a F there and all kids will think that F stands for "FUCK" so I think the WWE should just get the F out!

Victoria has retired! Victoria first got involved in wrestling when the WWF (AS IT WAS THEN KNOWN) put out an ad for "ho's" to appear on Raw and "service" the wrestlers "if you know what we mean." Victoria didn't know what they meant and showed up anyway and was horrified when The Godfather tried to grab her boobies. She slapped him hard and Vince was watching and said "DAMN, THAT GIRL CAN SLAP!" and hired her on the spot. Victoria soon started a real life affair with the late, great Eddie Guuerrero (Vicki was still hot when he first married her and he even banged Chyna during the brief period when she was considered hot. Add Victoria and Lita (everyone had Lita!) to that and he's a banging legend, esse!) Victoria left the company in disgust after real life footage of her and Eddie having sex in a shower with Stacey "The Kat" Karter was shown on RAW (this was also when Jerry Lawler left in disgust!) She returned two years later and started a feud with her real life school friend Trish Stratus which was most notable for Victoria having the COOLEST ENTRANCE MUISC EVER in the form of "All The Things She Said" by The Underage Russia Lesbians (TURL!) Victoria also started doing the "jigglesault" at some point which is when she starts shaking like D-Von dudley only it's sexy because she's got tits (well, so does D-Von, but hers are nicer) then does a moonsault which never actually hits. Victoria turned face because people kept cheering the jigglesault and tag teamed with the UNDERRATED NIdia a few times where they once did a sexy dance at the top of the ramp which led to one of my top three wrestling related masturwanks of all time (true story.) When Nidia was released Victoria turned heel and went to Smackdown and started dressing as a banana and stuff. I don't know why. She will be missed!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO: Rob Van Dam (35), Paul Heyman (45), Shark Boy (????) and Ric Flair (73)!

And now for my EXCLUSIVE Royal Rumble report! Instead of telling you the boring mess that WILL happen, I'm instead going to tell you what SHOULD happen if the Royal Rumble was booked by me: Hot Newz!

Matt Hardy versus Jack Swagger - I don't watch ECW (I have a hot girlfriend I talk to on Facebook while it's on) so I don't know who Swagger is or anything. So I think Finlay should run in and say "Swagger, you noodlebrain, you ain't not good enough to be champion, let me wrestle Matt Hardy and if I win, I get the belt!" and Swagger is confused by the double negative and just kind of nods dumbly then Finlay hits Hardy with the irish stick right away but it's made out of STEEL instead of wood and he gets the pin and says "hahaha, the irish win again just like in World War 2, get him son!" and Hornswoggle comes out from under the ring dressed in red and and keeps biting Swagger until Swagger passes out from BITE PAIN. Anyway, you might think this sucks but the END RESULT is a heel Finaly as ECW champion feuding with face Matt Hardy and Jack Swagger in hospital with bite wounds, so who REALLY sucks here? Not me!

Beth Phoenix versus Melina - Santino grabs the mic and says "I'm sorry ladies, but the a-people would rather a-hear me talk than a-watch you wrestle!" in a funny SHOOT comment to start his face turn. "Here's a deal Melina, you latin temptress from Spain! If Beth Phoenix a-beats you, you must take part in a threesome with her and me, SANTINO MARELLA!" Then Beth looks shocked because she's not into threesomes and Melina rolls her up right away for the pin and the new champion! Then Melina says "that's right Santino, because I won now it's YOU who must have the threesome...WITH THEM!" and the Edgeheads Zach Hawkins and Kurt Ryder come out but they're both all oiled up and wearing ASSLESS chaps and pink ribbons and they start rubbing up Santino and stuff because they're a GAY TAG TEAM now and wrestling can never have enough gay tag teams!

Jeff Hardy versus Edge - They're having a good, ten minute match for ten minutes until a man in a TRENCHCOAT runs down with a tire iron and Jeff gives him a twist of fate then pulls the trenchcoat off to reveal it's CHRISTIAN and says "ah, so you were the one who attacked me in that hotel, ran me off the road and made my pyro explode somehow!" Then Christian says "no, you fool, I'm here to warn you! My evil brother Edge has a new ally, it's..." Then the lights go out and when they came back on there's a HIGHWIRE above the ring like in a CIRCUS(!) and KIZARNY(!!!) is walking on it and he gives a shooting star press to both Jeff and Christian taking them out then gives Jeff has crappy looking jumping double underhook DDT but onto a CHAIR so it looks deadly and Edge wins the title on a screw-job for like the tenth time making him look even weaker than before if that's possible! then Kizarny says "YESSSS that's right you never suspected me but this is how we ROLL in the circus, haha, you think I slept with bearded women to get to the top of the circus world, no, I got to the top by cheating and screwing over everyone, even the clowns, and I'm going to get to the top of the wrestling world in the same way!" THis sets up Edge and Kizarny versus Jeff and Christian at WrestleMania in a TLC match (Matt will be in the hardcore battle royal.)

John Cena versus JBL - Shawn Michaels comes down with NEW TIGHTS with dollar signs all over them and says "that's right, JACK, I have accepted my destiny and now I love my new boss and will do ANYTHING for him, JACK! Cena and JBL have a crappy match (it's Cena and JBL, what do you expect?) until Cena's about to win with the Throwback after THROWING JBL right onto his BACK (see it does work!) but then Shawn pulls the ref out and SUPERKICK Cena right in the mush (mouth!) Then JBL says "haha, well done, son, you done kicked his mouth but good!" and Shawn smiles then kicks JBL in HIS mush (mouth) and says "you pair of fools, I said I follow my new boss, but JBL isn't my new boss anymore, I've got a NEWER boss! And that boss is..." and HULK HOGAN'S music plays to start a new hot angle where Shawn is now working fo the Hulkster (who recently sold Pastamania for billions!) but if Hogan refuses to do the angle then Shawn says "actually I robbed a bank!" and superkicks Michael Cole and the whole thing is forggoten! Cena wins.

Royal Rumble match - This is what you've ALL been waiting for! This makes the previous four matches look like pointless wastes of time! Triple H is number 1 because he called Vickie fat and number two is Valdimir Koslov and Triple H just throws him over the top rope right away and the fans GROAN knowing that HHH is just going to dominate the whole Rumble! But then number 3 comes out and it's a big man in a mask and JR says "WHO IS THAT, KING, WHO IS THAT BIG MASKED BASTARD?" even though he's commentating with Tazz and not the King! Then the masked man gives Triple H a BICYCLE KICK taking his head off (not literally) and trhwos him right over the top! Then mystery masked man takes his mask off and it's FESTUS! Number 4 is JESSIE and he runs out with a bell to calm Festus down but Festus IGNORE IT and grins EVILY and kills Jessie too (not literally!) And JR says "BAH GAWD KING, WHAT FORCE, WHAT UN-EARTHLY FORCE OF EVIL IS CONTROLLING FESTUS, IF NOT THE BELL?" and PAUL BEARER(!) appears at the top of the ramp with the urn and says "this is just the beginning, OH YESSS!" Koslov is number 5 and Festus destroys HIM too and eliminates him to show he is the most dominant big man! Then Festus steps over the top rope and eliminates himself because he's still dumb and he wants THE URN and he cradles it to his crotch and walks away!

Number 6 is Goldust so he just stands around rubbing himself (the sick freak!) until number 7 is Cody Rhodes and they have a brother/brother face off until Cody kicks him in the gut and his foot gets stuck there since Goldust is the blob! Then Goldust starts stroking the helpless Cody (incest homo!) but Cody gives him an enziguri with his foot stuck in the gut, a gutziguri! Then a bunch of other people come in like Funaki and Golf Ziggler and KANE whose push his descreased so much that he doesn't eliminate ANYONE whereas 8 years ago he'd eliminate 15 people! Then also Mark Henry and Kofi Kingstone and some guy no one recognises who turns out to be DH Smith (he's back!) Then comes Miz, the Morrison (since tag partners often draw the number next to each other in an amazing coincidence) and they eliminate DH Smith and he says "hmm, looks like I need some back-up...some ANVIL back-up!" to set up and him and Natayla feuding with Miz and Morrison over the tag titles in an inter-gender-bending war! Then MVP comes in and FINALLY the Underatker who eliminated Goldust, Cody, Henry, Kofi, DH, Ziggler, Miz and Kane within seconds making the last twenty minutes pointless! But MVP and Morrison hang on because they're getting BIG PUSHES in 2009 in the Hot Newz booked WWE (see my book, How I Would Book WWE In 2009 To Make It Better Than It Will Be which will be published in 2010!)

Then the Rumble goes on as Rumbles do with a bunch of OTHER GUYS coming in like Rey Mysterios (remember him?), Santino, Tazz as a SURPRISE ENTRY, Tommy Dreamer (eliminates Tazz to foreshadow his heel turn as only a heel would elminate the beloved Tazz!), Khali (a bunch of fat girls run into the ring to kiss him and he steps over the top rope to escape!) and of course Burchill. Then Jericho comes in and uses his SMARTS to eliminate all those guys except MVP who is too SPIRITED now (and except Undertaker too who is lying outside the ring holding his knee with no explanation) and then Orton comes in and says to Jericho "hey if we put our smarts together we can win this thing, haha!" and Jericho says "haha!" too. But then SHAWN MICHALES is number 28 and eliminates Jericho and Orton but then says "haha, JACK, I'm giving my title shot to the Hulkster, brothers, I love I money!" But then number 29 is CM PUNK who as you all know has a HIGH MORAL FIBRE running through his diet so he FLIES right at Michaels and they BOTH go over the top! Then JR says "MY GAWD, THE INTEGRITY OF PUNK IS SO GREAT THAT HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE, HIS ROYAL RUMBLE LIFE THAT IS, TO ELIMINATE HBK!"

This leaves MVP and Undertaker and MVP is going to hit Undertaker in his injured leg but he throws the chair away because he has INTEGRITY too and then number 30 is KENNEDY in a shock, trying to recreate when Cena was a shock entry the previous year except Kennedy sucks! And MVP just boots him out right away and says "that's for being an obnoxious over-bearing asshole and starring in a bad movie!" and the fans cheer and MVP is now a top main event face and Kennedy is a bottom rung heel where he belongs. Then Undertaker chokeslams MVP over the top to APPARENTLY win and musses up his hair to give him THE RUB~~!~! But then "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME" plays (it's Vickie's new music!" and Vickie comes out and says "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME! Because of Tazz taking up an extra place there will be a number 31 entry in this damn Rumble for the first time ever!" Then the BIG SHOW'S music wins and Taker goes into his MMA stance ready to fight but Show is actually under the ring and he cuts a hole in the canvas to SNEAK up on Undertaker, but Show is so FAT that he gets STUCK in the hole like Winnie the Pooh! And Taker just laughs and kicks him in face a bunch of times then gets him ont he ropes...and then VICKIE snakes up and pushes them both over! And Vickie says "Haha, I've won, haha!" BUT THEN "I'm All Grown Up, Now, And I've Listened And Read Lots Of Books With Lots Of Pages And Lots Of Words" which can only mean STEPHANIE MCMAHON is surprise entry number 32! And Stephanie SLAPS Vickie right over the top rope and says "you just got bitch-slapped by the biggest BITCH in bitchland!" to a huge pop. And then TEDDY LONG'S music plays and Teddy comes out, takes one look at Steph and says "ain't no way I'm gettin' in the ring with that crazy ho!" and just walks away! Stephanie uses her title shot to take the Diva's championship from Maryse at WrestleMania with a banzai drop!

I think you'll all agree that this would be a FUN Royal Rumble and isn't that what the Royal Rumble, more than any other event in human history, is all about? Fun? The Royal Funble? Yes!

As SOME OF YOU (the educated ones!) will know, lots of wrestling people were interviewed by the DRUG POLICE to see if there's any DRUGS being used in wrestling! These interviews were REALLY long so I've condensed and summarised some of them into little mini interviews (miniviews) for your enjoyment! ENJOY!

First up the investigators talked to Dixie Carter, the HOT owner of TNA!

Investigator: Hello, Dixie Carter.

Dixie: Hi, ya'll! How ya'll doin' today, ya'll?

Investigator: Umm, fine. So, drugs.

Dixie: Y'all offering me some drugs? That's bad! The bible says the body is a temple. I read the bible with Vince Russo when we're brainstorming for angles,ya'll! We're trying to come up with a Noah's Ark story where the Impact Zone is flooded and everyone but Shark Boy (he's a shark!) has to get in a boat made by Sting to escape! BUT CAN THEY TRUST STING!?

Investigator: ...

Dixie: They can, he's a good man!

Ivenstigator: I was just going to ask if any of your wrestlers are on drugs.

Dixie: Oh, they all were once, every last one of them. Every single wrestler to ever wrestle has been a drug addict. Even Sharko Boy. But I told 'em to clean up their act and made some vague threats about drug testing which we still haven't carried out!

Investigator: All your wrestlers do drugs?

Dixie: Not any more! Not since Midway made the excellent TNA Impact video game! They all play it backstage instead of playing with drugs. You should play it too, it's a great game, y'all!

Investigator: Riiiight. What I was asking, mainly, is if any of your wrestlers, say, take steroids to improve their look.

Dixie: Well, the fans do chant "STERIODS, STERIODS, YOU LOVE STERIODS" as Scott Steiner. So he probably does. So you should arrest him. But no one else does.

Ivenstigator: No one?

Dixie: Seriously, take a look at this pic of Samoe Joe.

Investigator: Eww! He's so fat!

Dixie: Exactly, y'all! He's a fat bastard and we STILL push him because he's good in the ring! That shows you don't need to take steriods to get ahead in TNA. You just have to suck up to the booker! Take a look at this pic of Mick Foley. THAT is a pic of someone who sucks up to the booker!

Investigator: Right, well, I guess that's all...

Dixie: Y'all should come down to the Impact Zone and watch a show! I shouldn't tell you this, but Joe's about to turn heel on AJ by kicking him in the nuts three times then pushing his grandma off her rocking chair! It'll be a hoot!

Investigator: Seriously? Who is your show even marketed to? It doesn't sound suitable for children.

Dixie: Oh, it isn't. We're mainly marketed towards idiots! You know, fat forty year old men who still live in their parents' basement and blog about how much the new Star Trek movie is going to suck because the Bridge looks stupid. Those kind of freaks! Haha, I hold them in such contempt! And yet they keep making me richer!

Investigator: Thanks for your time!

(The Investigator checks out Dixie's ass as she leaves.)

Next up they spoke Vince McMahon HIMSELF along with his evil lawyer Jeremy McDiggit (his name is a rib on Randy Savage!)

Investigator: Hello Mister McMahon and thank you for joining us.

McMahon: Huh, the Rebuplicans are smiling even though Obama won, huh?

Investigator: Umm, yeah. Would you like to take a seat?

McDiggit: Don't answer that.

Investigator: Huh?

McDiggit: What are you trying to pull here?

McMahon: Yeah, what are you trying to pull here, pal?

McDiggit: Good faith! We came here in good faith!

Investigator: I...I...what? I only asked if...

McMahon: SHUT UP!

McDiggit: Just ask your first little question, you mortal.

Investigator: Well, umm, I was hoping to, uhh, get your thoughts on...steriods?

McMahon: My thoughts?

McDiggit: I can't believe this shit.

McMahon: Jeremy I don't understand what he means by thoughts.

McDiggit: My client has been having an existential crisis lately and doesn't know if his thoughts are his own. SO DON'T ASK FOR HIS THOUGHTS.

Investigator: Well what about your opinion then, on steriods?

McMahon: I have no opinions on steriods, pal.

Investigator: None?

McDiggit: Wipe the dried up semen out of your ears, he already answered your stinking question!

McMahon: No opinions! I'm not even sure what they are!

Investigator: But you have admitted to using steriods in the past!

McMahon: I can't remember.

McDiggit: HE CAN'T REMEMBER.

Investigator: What did you think the steriods were going to do when you took them?

McMahon: How the fuck should I fucking know, pal? I'm a layman. I used a lot of stuff in the eighties. Big giant blocky cell phones, for one. I don't know why I do half the things I do. I'm a layman.

McDiggit: A LAYMAN!

Investigator: But surely you must have some idea...

McMahon: No. No ideas. At all. None. Layman.

McDiggit: Tell them why they call you a layman, Vince.

McMahon: Because I'm a man and I get laid ALL the time!

McDiggit: All the time, baby!

(McMahon and McDiggit high five.)

Investigator: So about, umm, wrestlers. How do you decide who to make into a star.

McMahon: Well, first I check to see if they're sleeping with my daughter by watching her in bed through a secret peephole. If they are, and if they satisfy her, then I push them to the moon.

Investigator: And do their muscles play a part in their pushes?

McDiggit: HEY!

McMahon: Listen, we push guys without muscles all the time. Like Tazz. He won a match once. And yeah, it happens that 99% of our top guys are big muscular freaks. So what? They just have the it factor. Like Triple H. As soon as I saw him banging my daughter I thought to myself "Vince, that guy's got the it factor and I'm feeling horny." That's what I thought.

McDiggit: Umm, the transcripts of these interviews will never be released, will they?

Investigator: Don't ask me, I'm just a layman!

(The investigator does a crotch chop and leaves.)

McMahon: I don't think Bob Backlund did steriods either. There's another one.

McDiggit: He's gone, sir.

McMahon: Damn it, I didn't even get to say "we put smiles on faces!"

McDiggit: I'll have him killed for you, sir.

McMahon: Thank you. That'll put a smile on my face.

TRANSCRIPT ENDS

Wow, that was some great reading! Speaking of GREAT READING I'll be back soon with more Hot Newz, doodz!!!!!!!!!!

HOT NEWZ DISAPPOINTED WITH WWE FANS FOR GIVING UP ON CHANTING "JOEY STYLES" AT JBL SO QUICKLY? TEST AND KIDMAN KEEP BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER AT THE MALL? MICK FOLEY TO DO SICKENING EXPLOITATIVE ANGLE WITH HIS WIFE ON CHILDREN ON IMPACT SIMPLY FOR THE MONEY, RATINGS TO STAR AS LOW AS EVER? MARYSE REALLY PATT PATTERSON'S DAUGHTER AND HER MOTHER IS...MAE YOUNG!? PLUS EXCLUSIVE NEW PICS FROM THE BRAND NEW NAKED WRESTLING FEDERATION WHERE ALL THE WOMEN WRESTLE NAKED AND LOOK LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

14/12/08 - A Hot Newz Christmas Carol!

2009-10-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with a Christmas Special! This year is different and it is EXTRA special because instead of giving you hot newz and hot interviews and pictures of hot women like I have done in the past (women by email on request!) I am instead presenting to you a movie script I have written! It is a movie about THE ROCK based on the Shakespeare classic "Scrooged" and I hope to sell it to a MAJOR Hollywood studio! The cast will be obvious once you read the script and I know they'll all be JONESING to appear! Anyway, here is the script, make sure to tell your friends especially if your friends are major hollywood producers!

SCIZZOGED

Written by Hot Newz

Directed by Hot Newz

Executive Producers Hot Newz and SoCal Val

(The Rock and Megan Fox are having dinner at a fancy restaurant.)

Megan: I'm so glad I decided to come out with you, Dwayne.

Rock: And I'm glad you dumped that Terminator loser guy!

Megan: No one even watches that show!

Rock: Haha, I bet they go to a lot of effort with the scripts and everything. Losers. All they need is explosions and catchphrases and eye-brow raising, baby!

Megan: Let's skip the rest of dinner even though it cost a thousand bucks and go straight to bed. FOR SEX!

Rock: Haha, sure baby. A thousand buck is chump change to the...to me. To Dwayne. SEX!

(A young boy comes over to the table.)

Boy: My dad said not to disturb you but I knew you'd sign an autograph for me because you are a good man and I'm one of the millions and millions of fans!

Rock: Sure kid, Dwayne will sign you an autograph...

Boy: Dwayne? I want the Rock's autograph!

Megan: He wants a Rockograph!

Rock: What? TO HELL WITH THAT. I ain't the Rock no more, I hate wrestling. Beat it, jab...you bum!

Boy: Aaaah!

(The boy runs away in fear.)

Megan: That wasn't very nice.

Rock: Shut your mouth, ho!

Megan: How dare you!

Rock: Look, are we going to have sex or not?

Megan: Not afer you call me a ho!

Rock: Well then...do you like pancakes?

Megan: Umm, yes.

Rock: THEN PANCAKE YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! THEN EAT SOME PANCAKES, SKINNY. I don't need you...I've got someone better to share my bed with.

(CUT TO Rock rolling around in bed...with lots of bank notes!)

Rock: Money money money! You're all I need! I don't need Megan Fox or wrestling fans! I don't need a soul!

(The phone rings. He sighs and answers.)

Rock: I'm with the money, what do you want?

Agent: Got you a new film role! Well, I don't know if you'll want to do it, the script is pretty poor, piss poor actually...

Rock: Am I getting paid more than ever before?

Agent: Yes, and there's lots of explosions and an annoying kid, but...

Rock: Then what are you waiting for? SIGN ME UP AND DON'T BOTHER ME AGAIN!

Agent: Okay. Merry Christmas for tomorrow.

Rock: Oh, it's Christmas tomorrow?

Agent: Uhh, yeah...

Rock: BAH HURRICANE-BUG!

(He smashes down the phone.)

Rock: Can just by a new one!

(He goes to sleep. CUT TO later that night. The Rock is lying in bed, asleep.)

Rock: Roody poo...candy ass...layin' the smackdown...

Voice: So you STILL talk trash in your sleep?

(The Rock wakes up.)

Rock: Who's that, who's there!?

Voice: Oh I THINK YOU BETTER RECOGNISE just who the hell I am!

(D'Lo Brown steps out of the shadows. DRESSED A GHOST.)

Rock: You're not dead!

D'Lo: No, but my career is!

Rock: What are you doing here?

D'Lo: You will be visited by three ghosts tonight!

Rock: So another two after you.

D'Lo: No, not including me.

Rock: Right, so four ghosts then.

D'Lo: I suppose so.

Rock: Well why didn't you just say that in the first place!?

D'Lo: Look, it's hardly the point! The point is that you must change your ways! Stop being a Hollywood phoney and start caring about your fans and wrestling again.

Rock: Never!

D'Lo: It's not too late to change! Look at the Great Khali, he hated America and tried to kill The Undertaker, the symbol of all that is good in America, but he discovered a new love for the USA when he started kissing fat american broads! You can do the same thing!

Rock: I'm not kissing no large women! Billy Gunn tried to make me do that once...but that was in another lifetime.

D'Lo: Change your ways! Change your waaaaaays!

(D'Lo backs out of the room making spooky hand gestures.)

Rock: I'm never going back to wrestling and caring about my fans. Never!

(The Rock goes back to sleep. Later that night a banging wakes him up.)

Rock: Who is it this time?

Ghost: I am the ghost of WWF past!

Rock: No, you're just D'Lo again but in a false moustache.

D'Lo in a false moustache: Remember when I had a moustache when we were in the Nation together? That's what this is.

Rock: Just get out of here, you bum! I got to sleep, man, I've got Christmas tomorrow, Christmas with my money!

D'Lo: Not Christmas with THE MUMMY?

Rock: I was in The Mummy Returns, not The Mummy.

D'Lo: Oh. Anyway, look at your past! On his latop. LOOOOOK!

(D'Lo plays a YouTube video on his latop of Rocky Maivia's debut at Survivor Series 96.)

Rock: Damn, look at that pineapple headed jabroni...oh, it's me.

D'Lo: See the simple pleasure you got out of slapping hands with kids and pinning Goldust with a shoulder breaker. You can have that all over again!

Rock: Goldust's still got a job?

D'Lo: Amazingly yes!

Rock: Well unlike him I've moved on!

D'Lo: Oh yeah? Is what you're doing with your life now really more worthwhile than THIS?

(D'Lo plays a YouTube of The Rock hitting Ken Shamrock with a killer chairshot.)

Rock: Haha, no wonder he's lost his last 40 MMA fights after all those chairshots! Still, I don't miss that life.

D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?

(He clicks out another YouTube link, but the "this video has been removed due to a copyright claim by WWE" message comes up.)

D'Lo: Hold on, let me find another link...

(He keeps searching, then closes his browser by mistake.)

D'Lo: Shit...just hold on...

Rock: Look, I do have to sleep, and I've got two more ghosts coming before the night's over...

D'Lo: The sound quality is crap on on this one! Okay, I'll just turn it up...

(It's the video of the Rock versus Hulk Hogan from WrestleMania 18.)

D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?

Rock: No! Those jabroni mothercanuckers booed The Rock out of the building!

D'Lo: They booed...The Rock?

Rock: I mean, me. They booed me. I'm not the Rock anymore!

D'Lo: Change your ways. CHANGE YOUR WAAAAYS!

(D'Lo backs out of the room making ghostly hand gestures.)

Rock: I ain't changing for him or nobody. What a roody...rude person.

(Rock goes back to sleep for 18 seconds before another ghost shows up.)

Ghost: I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

Rock: I'm going to gift wrap you, take a bow, turn that sumbitch sideways and....make another movie. Go away!

Ghost: No. NOOOOO!

Rock: Who are you anyway, you sound familiar...

(It's Tony Atlas!)

Tony Atlas: It's Tony Atlas!

Rock: Well that makes less sense than D'Lo! You were friends with my dad, not part of my present!

Atlas: Yeah, but I'll do anything for money. ANYTHING.

Rock: Yeah, that's true. Well, what do you want?

Atlas: I have something to show you...downstairs...

Rock: Whoah there, uncle Tony, my dad knows about that, don't try it again...

Atlas: No, I mean REALLY downstairs.

Rock: Oh.

Atlas: And you were seventeen at the time so it wasn't even all that bad. Anyway, follow me.

(Rock follows Atlas downstairs and out of his mansion.)

Rock: Wait, we're going to that stinky little hut in the garden?

Atlas: That stinky little hut is where your butler lives.

Rock: Is it? Why would he want to live there? Eww.

Atlas: You only pay him in change you find down the back of your sofa!

Rock: Hey, I gave him a hundred dollar bill the other day.

Atlas: Three months ago!

Rock: Pah, that's enough to feed a starving family for three months...I used to eat dust sandwiches when I was in the USWA...I think...I can't really remember.

Atlas: Look through the window.

Rock: What am I looking at?

Atlas: Umm, them unwrapping their Christmas present...but it will probably be another four hours before they do, given that it's the middle of the night...I should have come later, really.

FOUR WHOURS LATER

Rock: ...and that's the story of how I saved Christopher Walken's career. Now for the story of what really happened to Natalie Wood...

Atlas: Never mind, it's time! BEHOLD!

(Through the window, the young boy from the restaurant is unwrapping his one and only present.)

Rock: Oh, so that's who he was...guess I should have recognised the little jabroni.

Boy: Dad, what is this?

Dad: It's a collection of every movie The Rock has ever been in, on DVD!

Rock: What a great present!

Boy: Oh.

(He throws them down.)

Dad: What's wrong, son?

Boy: Daddy, I hate The Rock! He's mean and his movies suck! I mean, Gameplan? SERIOUSLY?

Dad: Now son, don't be ungrateful, it's thanks to the Rock that we have this lovely house...

Boy: This house is horrible!

Dad: Hey!

Boy: The Rock sucks! I'd rather have The Marine on DVD than these abortions.

Dad: You don't mean that, son.

Boy: I do. I'd rather have Mister Kennedy's movie!

Dad: You've gone too far!

(The father grabs the son and starts spanking him.)

Boy: Oww!

Dad: TAKE. YOUR. MEDECINE.

Rock: Damn!

Atlas: Uhh, I didn't think that was going to happen. But you see the point? Your young fans have lost all faith in you and your movies suck.

Rock: Hey, I made Doom.

Atlas: Exactly!

Rock: Hmm...but wrestling...I'm so much better than that.

Atlas: Oh, you think you're better than me, do you, better than Tony Atlas and Big Mark Henry?

Rock: Yes!

Atlas: Okay, fair point. There's still one more ghost to come, maybe he can change your mind.

Rock: Who's it going to be? Tazz?

Atlas: Oh, you'd like it to be Tazz, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU?

(Atlas runs away. The Rock shrugs and goes back to bed. Twelves seconds later a ghost awakes.)

Rock: Hi Tazz...wait, you're not Tazz...

Ghost: It's me! D D P!

Rock: Who?

DDP: Me! Look at my hands!

Rock: God you're old. How can you be the Ghost of Christmas Future?

DDP: Because you'll be old some day, Rock. Old and wrinkly like me! And like me you could end up alone, Kimberley having left you for Bischoff, WWE, TNA and not even MEXICO returning your calls! But that's not a bad thing! That's a good thing.

Rock: It is?

DDP: Nah, it's a bad thing. I'm just trying to get all my catchphases in. BANG! Hey, you know that hand signal Hitler used to do? That was the self HEIL five!

Rock: Just show me whatever you've got to show me.

DDP: Okay.

(DDP pops a DVD on. It is of the latest Impact.)

Rock: Hey, Mickey Faulty! Foley? Something like that. I wondered what happened to that guy. Why are you showing me him? To show the dangers of eating too many pies?

DDP: BEHOLD.

Rock: You been hanging out with Tony Atlas?

DDP: He's a cool guy.

(Foley is talking to Jim Cornette backstage.)

Foley: ...remember that Boiler Room Brawl I had with the Big Show? Funny story about that match, Vince Russo came up to me before it and said "Mick, you're gonna have to hit Big Show with a bottle of lemonade" and I said "No way Vince, I ain't doing that!" But then I had a change of heart and decided I would do it, then during the match I'm looking for my bottle of lemonade, can't find it! Turns out Mideon, that tattooed tough guy, drank it before the match. Then Mideo peed in Viscera's boots! Crazy days. Great days. I miss them so much. But hey, I'm having a lot of fun here in TNA! It reminds me of when I was in ECW and Steve Austin was wrestling on one show and before his match I said "hey Steve, you can use my big elbow drop if you want!" He didn't use it. Great guy though. It's a shame him and Debra didn't stay together...

Rock: Enough! This is painful! It has nothing to do with TNA's product, it's just Mick rambling on!

DDP: Exactly!

Rock: What do you mean, exactly? This has no relevance to me, I'm not going to end up like that.

DDP: Are you sure?

Rock: Yeah, it's impossible.

DDP: Impossible? No. Highly, HIGHLY unlikely? Yes. But NOT impossible. And you need to be aware of that, Rock. Just imagine, if you will, for a moment that your movie career fails because you've been in nothing but bad movies and refuse to star in anything good. Just IMAGINE that the money's running out because your ex wife has turned into a bitch and wants more for your stinking kids. But worse than that, imagine that you're not famous anymore! Imagine that no one knows who you are or cares about you anymore. Imagine that the ONLY WAY to be famous again is to return to wrestling, but the WWE won't hire you because of the way you treated D'Lo Brown and Tony Atlas, two great and much loved men, a couple of years earlier. Your ONLY OPTION is to go to TNA and then, like Foley, all you can do is talk about the times you used to be great in pointless backstage segments with Jim Cornette and Jeremy Borash. You cannot deny that there is a chance, even the smallest chance in the world, that this COULD happen. You cannot deny that. And you can't take the chance that it could happen.

(The Rock looks horrified.)

Rock: My God, you're right. I'm returning to WWE this instant!

DDP: BANG!

(DDP runs away. The Rock goes to the window. The butler's son is outside.)

Rock: You boy, what day is this?

Boy: What, you don't have a calendar? You can't just turn on the radio or tv?

Rock: Just tell me!

Boy: Why sir, it's Christmas day. You miserable old Scrizzoge!

Rock: Oh really?

(The Rock takes some of the money he's been sleeping with and throws it out of the window.)

Kid: Yay, money! Thanks Rock! This will stop dad from hitting me!

Rock: Don't mention it, kid!

Kid: Hmm...it does smell funny though.

Rock: That's strange.

(Rock takes a step back from the window.)

Rock: Better not tell him I've been masturwanking with that cash.

A WEEK LATER

(The Rock is meeting with Vince McMahon in Vince's office.)

Vince: ...then it's agreed, you'll return full time starting this week on RAW.

Rock: I can't believe I'm back! It feels so good. No more crappy movies!

Vince: Haha, yeah. I heard you were dating Megan Fox by the way, how did that end?

Rock: I realised she's horribly overrated.

Vince: Ha, glad you did, pal! There's lots of hot divas you can sleep with here anyway.

Rock: I assume Trish Stratus, Stacey Keibler and Torrie Wilson are still employed?

Vince: Umm...I think they all died or something. But there's Kelly Kelly! She has an improbable name.

Rock: I like her already!

(They shake hands and The Rock leaves. D'Low Brown, Tony Atlas and DDP step out of the shadows.)

Vince: Well done, all of you. Here's a crisp hundred dollar bill each.

Atlas: Just like The Rock did for his butler!

D'Lo: This is going straight n the bank!

Vince: Yeah, you both better save...since you're both FIRED. Sorry, you both suck and I need to pay the Rock's huge salary. GET THEM OUT OF HERE!

(The Basham Brothers (they're still alive!) drag D'Lo and Tony Atlas away.)

DDP: Well, what about me? You promised me a job if I talked the Rock back!

Vince: No, I promised not to kick you in the face if you got down on your knees and begged for a job.

DDP: Oh, right, so you did. Sorry.

(DDP gets down on his knees.)

DDP: Please give me a job!

(Randy Orton runs in and kicks DDP in the face.)

Vince: No!

THE END

BIG DADDY V REPLACING THE ROCK IN STRAIGHT TO DVD GAMEPLAN SEQUEL? CHIRSTY HEMME'S NEW PUSH NOT AT ALL CONNECTED TO THE FACT THAT SHE'S BEEN SPOTTED LEAVING VINCE RUSSO'S HOTEL ROOM AT 3AM WITH VISIBLE ORGASM FACE? CHRISTOPHER DANIELS/CURRY MAN TO RETURN AS A NEW DOINK BUT THEY CAN'T KILL HIM DOINK SO THEY CALL HIM "BOINK" BUT THE WWE STILL SUES EVEN AT THAT SO THEY SCRAP THE GIMMICK AND HE GOES BACK TO CURRY MAN WITH NO EXPLANATION? MIKE ADAMLE ADMITS THAT HE FAKED KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT WRESTLING TO GET FIRED AND HE'S ACTUALLY HARDCORE RING OF HONOR FAN? PLUS ACTUAL GENUINE, NOT EVEN LYING THIS TIME, HONESTLY CLICK THE LINK TO SEE, PICS OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON A NUDIST BEACH AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

28/11/08

2009-10-18T12:38:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that failed wrestler and even faileder footballer Brock "Well, here comes the pain!" Lesnar is now the UFC heavyweight fighting mixed martial arts ultimate champion of the world! This is a huge achievement bigger than sex but I find UFC more boring than boring sex so I didn't watch it! However I have got my friend BLINKY BEN who watched the show in a bar when drunk to review the show and here it is, his review!

"Thanks Hot Newz! It was the best UFC fight I've ever seen and I've seen however many there were on that night! Lesnar punched the other guy a lot and the referee said "RING THE BELL!" like Survivor Series and they rung the bell! Sable then got into the ring but you could tell Lesnar was thinking that now that he's the best fighter in the world he can get some YOUNGER pussy. I don't blame him for thinking that lol she's old."

Thanks for the review and I agree about Sable! Who does she think she is, tricking Lesnar into a loving, commited marriage? Bitch!

Kurt Angle also emailed his thoughts on Lesnar's win to every wrestling journalist in the world and twenty weather women for some reason!

"WHOOO! Brock Lesnar! Congratulations...congratulations on NOT having to face me, Kurt Angle, and instead facing some guy OTHER than me because that was the only way you could possibly win! Whoo! Yeah! You know if I wasn't tied up in this STINKING ROTTEN ten year contract to TNA which they TRICKED me into signing by telling me they were a good company, when we all know that they suck, the losers, then I would challenge you to a match! But I guess we'll have to wait ten years by which time I'll STILL be in the same great shape or even better and probably TEN TIMES tougher too and I'll make you tap and take that belt! Yeah! I pick bar fights all the time to hone my fighting skills and always win! And Karen, if you're reading this which I know you are, you stalker, I just want to say that I had a threesome with Christy Hemme and SoCal Val last night because a threesome with two sexy red heads with hot asses is better than normal sex with you any day! Whooo!"

Well we all know that!

Ted Debiase Jr is to star in The Marine 2: Marine Harder! This came about because John Cena (star of the critically ashamed original Marine!) is too busy recovering from injuries which should take nine months to recover from in three months to star in a sequel! The change of the main character's appearance will be explained by a one minute cameo by Cena at the start of the movie where he'll say "I'm just going to the gas station to buy some gas then we can have sex" to his hot girlfriend and he goes into the gas station but then the gas stations EXPLODES (it's the Marine alright!) Then in the next scene the Marine's face is all bandaged up and the doctor (played by Hillbilly Jim for some reason) tells him "I'm sorry Marine you have been HIDEOUSLY DEFORMED and look ugly now!" and pulls the bandages off and it's Ted Debiase underneath! Then his hot girlfriend throws up in disgust and says "I can't marry you!" and throws his ring into the Mississippi River and the rest of the movie is just the Marine trying to pick up girls and getting into fights with drunk guys in bars (one played by Steve Blackman!) then at the end he's about to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge when he sees a little girl drowning in the Mississippi River down below! So he dives down to save her and the little girl says "I love you!" but she's only eight and can't be his new wife so he kills himself anyway.

Should be a great movie!

Christian "Steel" Cage has signed with the WWE! He will return with the also resigned GANGREL and Kevin Thorn and Aerial (she's back!) as the Newer Brood!

Goldust was NOT signed to a new contract because his father Dusty has a powerful position in management, but because of his skill and lean figure...ah, screw it, of course it was becasuse of Dusty! Dusty will soon come out during his matches and say "Hey, you better cheer my boy!" and the fans will be confused because Cody is a heel so they'll assume Dusty has turned heel and throw trash at him (and if the trash is food he'll probably eat it!)

And now for my big article...a review of the RAW house should I attended yesterday! Ha, bet you thought it was a Survivor Series review but in tradtional Survivor Series tradtion I'm SCREWING tradition and you'll have to read this first to get to the SS review (you can't just scroll by!)

The show started with Jillian singing the national anthem but I said "I REFUSE TO SING ALONG IF OBAMA IS PRESIDENT" and Lillian said "He's only president elect!" and I said "OH, OKAY" and sang along. I was only joking anyway, I love Obama and his handsome features!

First match was Mikey Knox who came out to new lumberjack music versus D'Lo Brown (of all people!) D'Lo took the mic and said "what's up, yo! How come I don't get no damn respect? Is it because I don't shake my head the way I used to? Is that what you stinking people want to see, my shaking my head?" And all the fans just sat in silence because none of them watched in 1998 when D'Lo last shook his head anyway! And I shouted "NO, WE WANT TO SEE LOW DOWN GET BACK TOGETHER!" and D'Lo said "No way man, I'll NEVER do that!" and I said "I'M SORRY I'M DEAF, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE SAYING YES OR NO" and he SHOOK HIS HEAD saying "no" then I said "Ha, tricked you!" Then Mike Knox but him in a bearhug and started BITING him until D'Lo tapped out so that's Knox's new finisher, the biting bearhug!

Next up William Regal came out and said "you miserable peasant commoner plebian simpleton villagers, I am your social better, God save the pope!" and did a courtsey and we all booed his arrogance. Then Santino came out and said "hey, don't you-a insult-a these-a fans! These fans-a the greatest-a fans in the a-world!" and high-fived some kids so he's a face now! Regal won in three minutes with his new finsher the EUROPEAN BODYSLAM (bodyslam) but Santino did some body-popping afterwards to get his heat back.

Next up was CM Punk and Kofi Kingston defending against Miz and Morrison! It as an utter disgrace that the real world champion CM Punk was wrestling so early on the show so I started booing to show my disapproval! Unfortunately Punk thought I was booing HIM and gave me the finger so I had to shout "WAIT, WAIT! I wasn't booing you, I loved Ring of Honor! Before Gabe was fired anyway!" Then Miz and Morrison did a LIVE dirt sheet and I had to pretend it was funny because I'm an internet guy but it was really just them making fart jokes for five minutes. Punk won with the Go To Sleep except his knee totally missed Miz's face and Miz sold it anyway so I think Miz and Punk might be in CAHOOTS so that's an angle to watch out for!

Next up CODY RHODES (yawn) came out and said "how come I can't not get no damn no respect not around here? BATISTA? I challenge you RIGHT NOW!" THen Batista came out to a big pop and a few wolf whistles and said "okay!" but Cody said "Umm, unfortunately my doctor hasnt cleared me to wrestle tonight so you have to wrestle MANU!!!" and Manu SNEAKED up behind Batista (very slowly, with his entrance music playing) and hit a samoan drop (he's samoan!) then put a nerve pinch on (he's samoan!) and Batista just lay on the canvas half asleep, barely selling (he's lazy!) until he hit the spinebuster and the Batista bomb for the win! Then he picked up Cody's doctor's note and read it and said "hey, wait a minute, this was written by DUSTY!" and Cody laughed and gave him the finger and skipped away.

Next up THE BIG BAD MACHINE Kane came out and took the mic and said "usually I'd talk about sending you to HELL to burn in HELL but I ain't not going to do that or nothing tonight because I don't believe in Hell anymore: I am an ATHEIST!!!!" And most of the fans booed becasue being an atheist is even worse than being a Satanist according to the pope but I cheered because I'm an atheist and I saw a girl cheer too so I made a note of it in order to later have hot Godless sex with her. Anyway despite having the power of faith in NOTHING Kane still lost to Rey in 6 minutes when Rey hit three 619s then just ran to the back then the lights went out and when they came on again Kane was covered in FAKE BLOOD...a Blood Bath from the Newer Brood! I can't wait for this angle to reach tv!

Next up was Beth Phoenix defending against THE RETURNING HOTTER Melina! I wasn't sure if Phoenix was a face now because Santino is but she looked at me and said "no, I'm still a heel" so I'd know to boo and lead the other fans in booing. Anyway we would have cheered Melina over her anyway since Melina is hotter anyway! Beth won with the Muscle Buster than I shouted "Samoa Joe has bigger boobs then you!" which isn't even true! I hope she doesn't get more implants as a result.

Next up was Orton versus JBL! JBL was pretending to be a face now and slapping hands and kissing babies (and girls!) on his way to the ring and he wrestled like a face until SHAWN MICHAELS came out and said "I believe you're genuinely a face now, JBL!" then JBL gave him the clothesline from hell and said "Ha! I fooled you!" and just walked away while Orton looked confused. good match.

MAIN EVENT TIME was John Cena (gay) defending against Chris Jericho (bi)! Because of his neck Cena could hardly do anything and only took eight big bumps instead of twelve so I booed like mad. Then Jericho went for the lionsault and his feet slid between the ropes and he landed on his ass outside the ring and I marked out because it's rare to see such a spectacular fuck-up on a house show but then when Cena leaned over him to check if he was okay Jericho gave him a low blow so it was a set up all along! I was impressed by this and turned round to tell the guy next to me, but when I turned back Cena had pinned Jericho with a tombstone (according to the girl sitting on the other side, and why would she lie!?) and Jericho was being helped to the back holding his ASS BONE. I guess the tombstone must do damage to the ass bone!

It was a great show and I only demanded a refund out of habit rather than any deep sense of disappointment like sometimes.

STOP PRESS: Gail Kim has gotten Lena Yaddle fired and signed with WWE! Yaddle has agreed not to file a racial discrimination lawsuit because she's too lazy! Vince gets away with it again!

And now for my LONG AWAITED (a few paragraphs) big review of Survivor Series which took place last Sunday live on paper view!

First match was Team Michaels versus Team JBL! A lot of people are saying that MVP is in the doghouse because he keeps losing and he was eliminated from this match by a Khali chop really quickly, however he DID pin JTG in like 48 seconds first. So, if MVP is in the doghouse then where is JTG, in the CATHOUSE or something? Anyway I can't remember the order of all the other eliminations and I've already deleted the download from my hard drive out of disgust for Cena winning (oops, spoiler!) but I think JBL was counted out when Michaels pretend to superkick him but just pinched his ass instead, confusing him, then old Captain Hightimes (as Mizorrison call him because he used to smoke pot and wear a navy captain's hat!) pinned the far more talented and younger Morrison with a superkick and him, Rey and Khali survived. GREAT MATCh other than all the eliminations being WRONG. ****

Next was the Divas match and if you think I just sat there with a stupid grin on my face masturwanking myself silly then you've confused me with Jerry Lawler (or the me of a year ago!) I LONG AGO (six months) decided that WWE Divas are NOT sexy and fools only think they're sexy because of marketing and peer pressure (TNA knockouts, on the other hand, are hucking fot!) The only Divas sexy enough to be Knockouts (The Bella Twins, of course, imagine them feuding with the Beautiful People!) weren't even in the match! Anyway, if you SERIOUSLY expect me to keep track of every elimination here then you're dumber than Festus before a bell! It came down to the Glamazon Beth Phoenix and Maryse The French Tickler and Phoenix won with a move! DUD

Next up was Undertaker versus Big Show in a casket match! Meltzer said this match sucked but I think he was just in a bad mood because Taker didn't do any MMA moves. Okay, so it DID take Undertaker like five minutes to set up legdropping Big Show through the table, however that was realistic because in real life it takes a long time to set up legdropping someone through a table (just try it!) and, if anything, Undertaker did it QUICKER than normal! Taker won when he irish whipped Big Show into a casket which was SUPERNATURALLY standing up vertical which was quit an innovative finish and gets the match an extra star! *

Next was team Batista versus team Orton! CM Punk showed his INDY SMARTS by pinning Regal really quickly with a Go To Sleep! Then Layla threw a shoe! Then R Truth was pinned by Shelton, Kofi pinned by Orton (after Matt "I hate gay marriage" Strike made some comment about Kofi and Mark Henry looking alike! Seriously, he says all these things and no one notices.), Punk was pinned by Cody (WTF!??!) and Matt Hardy was pinned by Mark Henry all within three minutes! So that left Batista FOUR ON ONE and could he use his "spear an opponent as they turn round" tatctic to get rid of Mark Henry right away then pin Shelton with a Batista bomb about 4 seconds later? Yep, he could! So it was two on one and Orton used his THIRD GENERATIONS SMARTS to pin Batista with a RKO and Cody looked at Orton with a mix of awe and repressed sexual tension (he is Goldust's brother, remember!) AWFUL MATCH.l ***1/2

Next was HHH versus Koslov! Due to the REAL LIFE injury of Jeff Hardy falling down some stairs (it wasn't drugs, just pot and alcohol!) this was just a gay singles match and unfortunately they didn't have enough time to make it good (it takes eight hours to right the script for a good match and they only had three thanks to clumsy Jeff!) so the match sucked! It sucked so bad that Koslov did a bearhug in a non-ironic way! Anyway, eventually backstage Vince decided to send Edge out (he was only there visiting friends!) to win the title and save the show and Jeff somehow did a run-in but all he could manage was a few punches and "accidently" (LOL) hitting HHH with a chair (like we all haven't dreamed of "accidently" doing that, am I right folks?)! Edge won the world title in a screw job after wrestling for about two minutes. It was original! **1/2

FINALLY AT LAST was John Cena versus Chris Jerich (just like the house show!) Since Cena had MYSTERIOUSLY (not Rey) returned from a "out for a year" injury in three months he kept hesitating and taking weak bumps and all his moves looked like shit (no change there then!) Jeircho worked over his neck usings a double arm DDT stolen from Foley (maybe he'll mention it on Impact!), a kick the neck into the ringpost stolen from Regal and a masterlock full nelson stolen from the Warlord! Despite this Cena just no sold all the neck injuru and popped up to hit his moves when it was time and I realised that the same people on deathvalleydriver who love Cena are the same people who HATE Ring Of Honor wrestlers for no selling big moves and I spat beer (I was drunk at this point by the way) all over the tv at the irony. Anyway, this match ruled because Jericho did the PROPER Liontamer instead of the shitty Walls of Jericho for about 8 seconds which is all any man can take, then Cena won with the FU which sucked but at least it wasn't with the STFU which would have sucked more!

And now for this month's interview with Hornswaggle! Hornswoggle has been a BIG (pun intended he's short lol) star since his debut a few years ago (five I think, I can't remember) as little kids and girls love him because he's the same height as they are!

Me: HELLO HORNSWOGGLE, CAN YOU HEAR ME DOWN THERE?

Hornswoggle: You don't have to shout, I'm holding the phone right to my ear.

Me: Do you have a special little phone for little people?

Hornswoggle: No.

Me: You should get one! Demand one from the government!

Hornswoggle: Hey, I don't need handouts.

Me: Who cares if you need them, take them anyway!

Hornswoggle: Look, I thought you were going to ask me about wrestling...you sound young so I'll give you another chance.

Me: I might be younger but I bet I'm taller than you! In the PANTS too!

Hornswoggle: Last chance...

Me: Okay, serious question! Remember when it was revealed that you were Vince McMahon's son? And you seemed to genuinely believe you were Vince's son and you loved him like a father? But then it turned out that you are actually FINLAY'S son yet for some reason he never told you? How come you weren't mad at your dad Finlay for keeping the truth from you/

Hornswoggle: Umm...is that interview kayfabe?

Me: Stop talking like Kizarny and answer the question, Shortround!

Hornswoggle: I love my father Finlay very much.

Me: But why did he pretend you were Vince's son?

Hornswoggle: He only wanted the best for me.

Me: How was pretending an evil old perverted man was your father for the best for you? He abused you, probably sexually!

Hornswoggle: Umm...I love my father Finlay very much.

Me: He doesn't love you! He was probably ASHAMED for having a little person kid because lerpachauns are EVIL in Ireland and sided with the British in the war! He made you think you were a little bastard all the time and used to kick you and make you live under the ring.

Hornswoggle: Hey, it's not all bad under there, we have cookies.

Me: Yes, that's why there's cookie sheets under the ring, because of the midgets who live under there eating cookies. I know. I suppose you and Mini Boogeyman were roomies! What happened to him anyway?

Hornswoggle: He died!

Me: Haha, who cares. Hey, do you ever touch that Bella twin who hides under the ring?

Hornswoggle: Yeah! I blame it on Max Mini's ghost!

Me: He's dead too?

Hornswoggle: Might as well be!

Me: Haha, you're alright! For a halfling.

Hornswoggle: And you're an ignorant tosspot.

Me: Thank you very much! Tosspot, I've never heard that, did your IRISH father Finlay teach it to you?

Hornswoggle: Of course. I'm Irish just like him.

Me: You grew up in Ireland? Hiding under Irish wrestling rings?

Hornswoggle: Uh, yeah.

Me: Then how come you don't have an Irish accent?

Hornswoggle: Umm...I got rid of it to make Vince love me more.

Me: Oh. Should have just given him a blowjob! You're the right height for it!

Hornswoggle: Why do you say things like that? Do you have no respect for anything?

Me: Don't lecture me on respect after you took out your proportionally sized penis and pissed all over the cruiserweight belt right in the middle of the ring while Justin Liger DIED in shock!

Hornswoggle: What? I don't even know...

Me: Do you and your midget friends ever try to sneak into the cinema by standing on each other's shoulders and wearing a big raincoat?

Hornswoggle: Only once!

Me: I suppose you had a trouble childhood growing up not knowing Finlay was your father.

Hornswoggle(crying): My mom used to turn on Nitro and make me watch Fit Finlay matches and I didn't know why!

Me: I'd cry too if my mom had forced me to watch Nitro!

Hornswoggle: Do you have any more questions?

Me: No!

Hornswoggle: Oh.

Me: WAIT!

Hornswoggle: Yes?

Me: When you're travelling with your dad to WWE shows, does he buy a ticket for you on the plan or just carry you about in a suitcase?

Hornswoggle: You idiot kid. What are you doing with your life? What, you think this is worthwhile, making fun of me? Because you could NEVER make fun of me, because I have a life, a career, I have friends, family, I make more money in a year than you'll make in your entire life and I get more pussy in a month than you would if you lived to be a thousand!

Me: Yeah, but you're still a midget!

PHONECALL ENDS

I think that went a LITTLE bit badly at the end there!

Back soon with more Hot Newz unless I die!!

RIC FLAIR SAYS "TO HELL WITH MY LEGACY, I WANT MORE MONEY!" BY WRESTLING ANOTHER MATCH DESPITE BEING RETIRED? FOLEY TO REFERENCE HIS DAD'S SOCKS ON IMPACT 28 TIMES FOR NO APPARENT REASON THIS WEEK? KURT ANGLE TRAINING FOR MMA MATCH BY STALKING KAREN ON FOOT INSTEAD OF IN A CAR? HIGHLANDER RORY STILL SITTING BY THE PHONE, WAITING FOR TNA TO CALL, CHECKING TO MAKE SURE THE PHONE'S STILL WORKING THEN WAITING AND WAITING AND WAITING? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF MELINA'S ENTRANCE VIDEO AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

25/10/08

2009-10-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

OMFG! I am back with more hot Newz! And yes I know I said I was LEAVING FOREVER but that was just a SWERVE designed to find out who my real freindz are and now I know (the 3 people who emailed me, though two were just offering viagra for some reason!) so I'm back with more Hot Newz! The big newz this week as it is EVERY year at this time is that Cyborg Sunday is THIS Sunday! And Cyborg Sunday has always been my favoritest WWE ppv of the year going ALL the way back in the depths of time to 2004 when it was named To-BOO Tuesday and took place on a Tuesday! This is beasue it is the only show which is interactive and lets the fans vote on which matches will take place and the REALLY good newz this year is that Vince has finally taken my advice and started CHARGING for votes! This might seem like a horrible rip-off designed to pay for a new private jet soley for Triple H and Stephanie's kids to fly on, but in fact it's a BRILLIANT move and stops the dumb marks from voting (since dumb makrs are all poor!) and means only real hardcore money-bags fans like me and ZRC and Scott Keith can afford to vote and change the face of wrestling! I'm going to use my ad revenues to vote a FIFTY times for Vladamir Koslov to face HHH one on one to teach the Hardy fangrrlz and Jeff himself a lesson: start hitting the whipser in the wind better!

But the REALEST big newz is that the WWE has brizzought in a new character named Kizarny and I don't have to tizzell you where he STIZZOLE his speech pizzatterns from! WWE can claim he's talking "carny" but we all know that he's really talking NEWZY! If WWE wants to portray him accurately he should be chased around by hot chicks at all times and his finisher should be a 360 spinning top rope piledriver (like Zangief from Street Fighter and me when I used to backyard!) He should also cut promos before, after and DURING his matches to get his hip lingo over with the kidz (though I've already laid the grizzountwork!)

Lance Cade has been released! Cade (real name Garrison Storm) was fired according to JR due to an "error of judgement" after he had a seizure on a plane! What JR means by this that if Cade had done the right thing and had his seizure in a toilet stall where no one could see him or even in the privacy of his own home, like all other wrestlers do, then he'd still have a job! Stupid Cade don't know the seizure protocol! Cade will team up with his old friend (with benefits!) Trevor Murdoch in TNA as "Red and Neck" (Garrison Red and Terrence Neck!) where they will lose clean to Abyss in a handicap match in their debut, not appear on the next two Impacts, beat the Motorshitty Machine Guns when they keep pointing at their hands instead of wrestling, lose to every other tag team in a "tag team tsunami" match on ppv (rules coming soon!), split up on the next Impact, never wrestle each other once but lose to Rhyno on alternating weeks for the next six weeks, then finally team again with no explanation to lose to new tag team of Consequences Creed and Jeremy Borash! I can't wait!

The feud between Cryme Tyme and Miz and Morrison is NOT a shoot and actually the same guy scripts both The Dirt Sheet and The Rap Sheet and that guy is FREDDIE PRINZE JUNIOR to justify his massive pay check and the fact that he keeps walking around backstage suggesting to all the wrestlers than they should "talk in a deeper voice" and thaat's his only idea and when they get angry he says "hey, I know Scrappy Doo!"

To get people to vote for Koslov at Cyborg Sunday, on Smackdown this week HHH will be in Vickie's office and he'll say "Listen up, if you respect me, vote for Koslov! If you can remember when I was in DX and used to be cool and you liked that, then vote for Koslov! I REALLY WANT YOU TO, RRRRARGH!" Then he starts smashing up one wall of Vickie's office with a sledgehammer! Then Vickie comes in and says "hey, what are you doing to that wall? And why just that one, why ignore the other three walls?" And Hunter says "Isn't it obvious, Vickie? I'm breaking the fourth wall!"

Vince McMahon has MCBANNED (banned) the use of the term "WWE Superstar"! He will declare that from now they must be called "WWE Warriors" but the Ultimate Warrior files a lawsuit so Vince decides they must be called "WWE Gladiators" until Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe file a lawsuit! But then Crowe appears at a RAW show promoting his new movie BIBLE: THE MOVIE (a movie of the bible!) and gets into a fight with William Regal backstage so they call it even.

I got comped to an Impact taping last night! Well, I wasn't going to pay and I promised I'd make a lot of noise so that it sounds like there was a lot of people there on tv (it was really just me, four TNA marks, Jeremy Borash's hot wife and their eight kids and Disco Inferno and the Disco Duck (remember that?) in the crowd!) However I didn't make a sound the whole night except for TUTTING LOUDLY whenever they made a boneheaded booking choice (so 385 times in all, then!)

First up BIG LUMPY Kevin Nash came to the ring to a mixed response (a mixture of silence and the four marks booing.) He took the mic and said "OH YOU MAY BOO but you still paid to see me, whoo! You dumb dumbos are dumb, but you know who's even dumber? TNA management! They pay me a huge six figure income to wrestle like six five minute matches a year! Even though I'm fifteen years past my prime! Even though I make no difference to television ratings or pay per view buyrates! Even though I'm so lazy I won't even do a knee-lift in the corner now because lifting my leg tires me out! Even though my interviews are long and rambling and make obscure references to Scott Hall all the time, chico! They still pay me and you still have to watch me! And Samoa Joe, tonight, in our match, I'm just going to walk out backstage before and you'll have to wrestle Tomko again and nobody will care! And Mikey Tenay, I've been sleeping with your wife the last three years!" Then Tenay stood up and said "Oh yeah? Well joke's on her, I've been cheating on her with hookers for the last ten years!" and did a crotch chop!

Next up it was time for a "Who's the sexiest knockout" contest judged by Mick Foley! And Velvet Love, Angelina Sky, Taylor Wilde, Christy Hemme and SoCal Val (of course) were all in the contest! Then Foley came out stopping to charge fans for autographs as he did and said "Hey, I know I said I'd quit last week, but it's not like this is the first time I've gone back on a retirement promise! And anyway, I just could not resist judging this who's the sexiest knockout tournament, even though Melina isn't involved! That, and Jeff Jarrett's paying me obscene amounts of money! Bang bang! Anygay, since everyone knows I love big juicy asses, that makes it obvious that I'm just going to pick SoCal Val as the winner, but let's just make it official, the WINNER of this contest is..." Then he just stopped and looked around for a minute and I heard Don West saying "uhh, isn't Kong's music supposed to be playing?" and then finally about two minutes later Awesome Kong's music played and Foley said "how dare you interupt me!" But Kong's arab friend said "how dare you american pig have this match without including the biggest sexiest blackest sistah of them all...the Astonishing Kong!" Then Foley said "listen up toots, this is AMERICA and in AMERICA we have AMERICAN FREEDOM and the freedom not to include fatties in sexist knockout competitions, bang bang!" But then Saaed said "oh yeah? Let's see what MY HUSBAND says about that!" and Foley said "who's your husband, Pete Gas?" in a vague, dated WWF reference no one got but me (since I'm awesome) but Saeed said "no, HIM!" and SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR of all people stabbed Foley in the eye with a spike! Then the Guru Sonjay Dutt ran out and joined Bashir, Kong and Saaed in beating down Foley and Don West said "OH I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, I SEE THE ONE THING THESE FOUR PEOPLE ALL HAVE IN COMMON...THEY'RE ALL JERKS!" Then Bashir told Sonjay to force SoCal Val to wear a veil over her big ass.

Next up was Cute Kipp (who is quite cute in person I must admit) against Rhyno and Rhyno won in 17 seconds with da gore then said "I want some REAL competition,baby!" but then turned around and HIGHLANDER ROBBIE hit him with a bagpipe bag! But then he opened the bag up and there were DOORKNOBS inside and he said "Aye, that's right, I'm sure real competition FER YA, straight from the mean streets of Scotland...GROUNDSKEEPER ROBBIE and they call me that because I KEEP my opponents on the GROUND!"

Next up was Abyss versus Christian Cage for some reason! But before the match Christian took the mic and said "YAWN! You know how that great man Santino on the entertaining show named RAW has the Honk A Meter? Well, I have the Contract Run Out O Meter! And that's the meter which tells me how much longer I'm going to have to work in this DUMP before I can finally leave and go back to the WWE where I'll make money and people actually watch! Only three months to go, losers! Come on, Abyss, you big tardnose, I'll just lie down and let you pin me..." And he lay down and Abyss LICKED HIS LIPS at the prospect of an easy pin but when he leaned over Christian SHOCKINGLYLY rolled him up in a small package for the win (though Abyss's right shoulder wasn't down for the three count and the referee stopped counting and looked confused but acted like he's counted three anyway) then Christian said "I TRICKED YOU ALL!" and ran away.

Backstage, Booker T was looking through a trash can and Sharmell said "what you lookin' for?" and Booker said (in an australian accent for some reason) "I'm lookin' for something my brother threw away...hey, GET THAT CAMERA OFF, THIS BE SECRET, MATE!" and gave the camera a superkick! Then you could hear Jeff Jarrett say "damn it, Booker, those things are expensive, it was supposed to be a WORKED KICK!" so that's probably some new angle or something.

Next up, KURT THE MANDAWG ANGLE came out to the ring and said "listen up you punks, I WANT SOME FREAKING RESPECT AROUND MY ASS! Jeff Jarrett, your ass can send your TEN BEST out here and I'll just totally bury them with Angle Slams and shit, jabroni!" Then Jarrett came out and waved for his TEN BEST to run out and first was Shark Boy who got an Angle Slam, Curry Man got the same, Super Eric no sold an angle slam(!) but then held his chest and faked a heart attack and rolled out the ring (no one knew why), then Angle Slams for Jay Lethal, Machine Guns, Lance Hyot but then GAIL KIM (she's back!) ran out and when Angle tried to Angle Slam her she reversed it to a rana and gave him a spinning DDT! Then Jeff Jarrett came down to the ring and said "Gail, you're the MAN tonight!" but Kim spat GREEN MIST in his eyes(!!!) then Kurt hit Jarrett with his OWN GUITAR (the ultimate insult) and said "ha, our plan worked, come on, let's go have sex!" and Gail started wiping the green mist off her mouth but Kurt said "No, LEAVE IT IN!"

Next was Booker T versus the seven foot jobber Matt Morgan with Jim Cornette now managing him holding a tennis racket for no reason and Morgan dominated the match and when Sharmell tried to interfere Cornette SMACKED her ass with his tennis racket! But while the perverted referee (you know the one!) was distracted looking at the bruises on Sharmell's ass, Booker reached into his tights and pulled out a SLAPJACK and hit Morgan with it and left him out like a light for the one two three (but it could have been fifty after that slapjack shot, let me tell you!) Then Booker looked up at the heavens, pounded his first against his heart and said "thank you, Stevie Ray!" in a loving tribute to his brother.

Next up Beer Money Incorporated (seriously, that's their name. Seriously) defended the tag titles against Team 3D in a heel versus heel match (yawn) but to make it more exciting HERMANDEZ ran in and destroyed everyone with moves then said "Homicide! I'm shooting now! You might want to let your contract run out like a Christian Cage and go to Ring Of Honor...or should I say Ring of HORROR and beat people with unconvincing lariates - seriously, man, your arms is short and skinny, why the hell do you use a lariat as a finisher - but I'm TNA for life! But then Cornette came out and said "Hermandez, for ruining this great match...YOU'RE FIRED!" And Hermandez broke down crying and did a slow, silent walk to the back while Don West and Tenay stood up holding their hats down at their groins in respect as is tradition and Tenay said "Good bye, Hermandez, and thank you for the memories. God bless."

Backstage Jeff Jarett was wiping green mist out his eyes and Hermandez said "hey, can you sign this for me? I'm a big fan. I loved your "don't piss me off!" gimmick!" and Jeff said "sure, kid!" and signed it then Hermandez held it up and it was a NEW CONTRACT!!

Next up was the big match between Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash except of course Nash didn't show up, it was just Tomko in a Kevin Nash shirt and wearing a backwards baseball cap for some reason. And Joe took the mic and said "DAMN DOG IT! Tomko, what the hell are you doing out here, doing big Kev's big bidding? Don't you have a mind of your own? You're a young guy with cool tattoos, just like me! You should join me! Join me and together we could send those old guys to the old folk's home to DIE where they belong the oldies! JOIN THE REVOLUTION AND IT WILL BE TELEVISED ON TNA TELEVISION!" And Tomko started crying with emotion at this stirring speech and said "YES! I WILL JOIN YOU! DEATH TO OLD PEOPLE!" But then Joe kicked Tomko in the nuts(!) and kicked him on the face and spat on his neck and pulled out a CHEESE GRATER and started grating Tomko's forehead until he grated out GRATED BLOOD! Then Joe said "yeah bitchboy, that's what you get, thinking you can join MY revolution, team with me, I'm a loan wolf, a sole assassin, a man of passion, and I don't need your stinking help!" Then Tomko's WIFE (who, surprisingly wasn't hot in the slightest) ran in and kneeled over Tomko and said "I THINK HIS CAREER IS OVER!" Then everyone just shrugged and walked away.

Next it was finally time for our LONG AWAITED non-title match between Sting and AJ Styles! Even though it's the ppv main event! They had a THIRTY MINUTE great match until finally AJ pinned Sting with the Styles Clash! Then Sting said "very good, young man! And since you pinned me here, at the pay per view, whatever it's called, for you to win you'll have to pin me THREE TIMES but for ME to win, I'll only have to pin you once!" Then Don West said "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, MIKE, THERE'S NEVER BEEN A MATCH LIKE THAT BEFORE!" and Tenay said "Yeah, because it's the gayest idea ever!" and threw down his headset and walked backstage. Then Sting did the Wolfpac howl to send the fans home happy (even though he's a heel.)

It was the ninth best Impact taping I've ever been to...and I've only been to eight!

Anyway, as you ALL stinking know Cyborg Sunday is THIS Sizzunday! Since it is a REAL shoot everyo match has THREE possible endings booked! Which is good for the writers because they get paid three times as much!

Matt Hardy versus Evan Bourne, Finlay or Mark Henry.

If Bourne: They have a great eight minute match until finally Bourne goes for the shooting star press but somehow Matt Hardy manages to catch it in mid air and hit a Twist Of Fate! And this looks so cool the first time you see it that everyone on the internet says it's a great match and Dave Meltzer says it's a "MOTY candidate"! But then the next day the backlash begins and everyone says that the finish was stupid and made no sense and the match sucked and anyone who liked it sucked and Meltzer is losing his touch and if he's so great how come he gave the Bret/Owen cage match five stars but only gave four and three quarters to the Wrestlemania 10 match!?

If Finlay: The referee is distraction by Hornswoggle doing an IRISH JIG and Finlay is about to hit Matt with the Shell...Irish club thing, when suddenly Gregory Helms pops up on the titan tron in a little bubble and says hey, Fitt Finlay! You're supposed to be a good guy but you win all yoru matches by hitting your opponent with a club! That's not the actions of a good guy! How can you live with yourself? I'm just saying!" then disappears. Then Finlay looks at his hands like Bob Backlund used to and says "WHAT HAVE I BECOMETH! I'll win this match on my own ability!" and throws the club away to a big pop. Then Matt hits him witht he twist of fate eight seconds later to win.

If Mark Henry: If Mark Henry win the vot then that is PROOF that the fans have excepted him as a main eventer and that they subconsciously WANT HIM as their champion so he beats Matt in 48 seconds then bends frying pans and juggles with Matt and Tony Atlas to use up time.

Dvas Halloween Costume Contest of SEX.

Beth is dressed as Xena and it's so predictable and out-dated that everyone else refuses to compete and she's declared the winner by default!

Noble/Mickie versus Regal/Layla or Cryme Tyme versus Mizorrison or Priceless versus Punk and Kingstone.

If Noble/Micke vs Regal/Layla: Noble suddenly grabs Mickie around the neck and says "Layla! I still love you and your fine ass! If I SNAP Mickie's neck for you, will you love me again?" And Layla shrugs and says "sure" and Noble SNAPS Mickie's neck and you hear a pop! But then Layla kicks Noble in the balls and says "Ha! Even murdering Mickie James live on ppv won't make me love you!" But then Mickie jumps up(!) and kicks Layla where HER balls would be if she was a man and pins her says "Ha! It was a set-up, I made that popping sound with my mouth!"

If Cryme Tyme vs Mizorrison: Double countout!

If Priceless vs Punk/Kingstone: Double DQ! Hopefully the WWE Universe will go with the first option!

Santino versus Roddy Piper, Honky Tonk Dan or Goldust.

If Roddy Piper: Unfortunately it sucks because Piper's old and has had all his hips, knees, elbows and teeth replaced with fakes and he can't even do the eyepoke because he's got crippling arthritis in his inxed fingers from fighting Space Invaders in 1977 (name that reference!) And Jimmy Kennel isn't even here this time to save the match and Santino wins with a roll-up holding the kilt (Piper wrestles in his kilt so that we can't see his flabby thighs!)

If Honky Tonk Man: Santino plays the YouTube video of Honky injuring his finger on the titan tron and runs away through the crowd while Honky's watching it! This is all to set up Honky returning a year later and winning the IC belt when Santino is just one day away from breaking the record!

If Goldust: Santino grabs the mic and says "Ah, look-ah at this, it's the Goldendust! You are so fat that TNA should have called you FAT reign! Hey, where is your friend the Rellik that is Killer spelt backwards, huh? Do you think your dad loves Cody more than you since Cody's so much younger and thinner and better in the a-ring? I do!" But Goldust is just CHARLIE HAAS dressed up as Goldust so he's unaffacted by these insults and wins in three minutes and we have a new chimpion!

Kane versus Rey Mysterious (falls count anywhere or no holds bad or two out of three falls.)

If falls count anywhere: Kane grabs the mic and says "let's settle this thing on my home turf...IN HELL!" Then Rey says "Umm, but Hell is just a mythological and metaphorical construct, dude!" And Kane says "Okay, parking lot then." And Rey finally gets a car and drives it right by Kane but then SWERVES it round so that it sideswipes into Kane's head and Cole says "MY GOD, REY JUST DID A 619 WITH A CAR!"

If No Holds Bad: Kane grabs Rey for a chokeslam but instead of slamming him down he just holds him up there with one hand like Darth Vader and says "hey, it's no holds barred, HO HO HO!" Then Rey reverses to a rana somehow and wins.

If two out of three falls: Kane wins the first falls with a BOOT (his new finisher!) then instantly drags Rey out of the ring and holds him there until the referee counts them both out and Kane wins two falls to one! Then the fans boo but Kane grabst he mic and says "Hey! Did you really want to see the two of us wrestling a full three falls anyway?" And the fans cheer!

Jericho versus Batista (referee Stole Cold, Shawn Michaels or Randy Orton.)

If Old Stone Cold: Before the match Austin grabs the mic and says "Listen up son, Hulk Hogan might have 24 inch pythons but I drank 25 beers this morning and that's all I've got to say about that!" And this is the first SUBTLE piece of set-up for the Austin/Hogan match at Wrestlemania 25! Jericho wins with his feet on the ropes then Batista says "Damn it, Steve, why didn't you see his feet on the ropes?" And Austin says "What?" Then Batista repeats the question. And Austin says "What?" And so on and so on until Jericho tries to hit them both with a shovel but they gave him a Batista Bomb into a stunner combination and drink beer to send the fans home happy and them home drunk!

If Shawn Michaels: Shawn goes to superkick Jericho but PULLS A LEG as he does and falls over holding his leg in agony! But Batista doesn't believe it's a real injury so he Batista Bombs Shawn through the announce table LEG FIRST(!) but it IS a real injury and Nitro Girl Whisper says "Oh my God, you KILLED his leg!" Then Jericho pins Batista with his feet on the ropes.

If Randy Orton: Orton grabs the mic and says "Seriously? You fans SERIOUSLY voted a heel referee for the main event match? That's retarded!" Then just walks away. So Michael Cole says "Maybe I can help out!" and pulls his shirt off and he's got a referee's shirt underneath (I'm glad, I didn't want to see his nipples!) and he refs the match. Then Jericho pins Batista with his feet on the ropes.

Undertaker versus Big Show (Knockout, Last Man Standing, I Quit.)

If Knockout: Big money offer to Floyd Mayweather to do a run in, climb up on Undertaker's shoulders, and knock out Show from there with a big left hand! But if he refuses, Taker just puts on some boxing gloves and punches out Show but then he takes the gloves off and reveals there was NO STUFFING in them (so why wear them at all!?)!

If Last Man Standing: The exact same as the above (seriously, what's the difference between knockout and last man standing anyway!?)

If I Quit: Undertakers puts Big Show in "there's that submission hold!" and nobody can remember if it's still banned or not, but Show passes out from the pain anyway and can't say he quits and Taker keeps slapping him and dumping cold water on him to get him to wake up but he won't move and Taker says "I quit at getting his ass to quit!" and Show wins since Taker said "I quit!"

HHH versus Jeff Hardy or Koslov or BIZZOTH!!

If Hardy: HHH pins Hardy with the pedigree.

If Hardy and Koslov: HHH pins Hardy with the pedigree.

If Koslov: Hardy runs in and the HHH gives him a pedigree! Koslov then says "YOU. ME. SURVIVOR SERIES!" then just walks backstage even though there was no ending to the match.

It's going to be a great show/awful show!

Well that's about all the Hot Newz I've got in my brain for this month, back soon for more, have a happy halloween and don't eat too many drugs!!!!

MVP TO START WRESTLING UNDER A MASK AS MISTER X(VP) TO GET HIS PUSH BACK, BUT THE GUY WHO MADE HIM THE MASK (SUPER CRAZY) RATS HIM OUT AND HE JOBS TO DYKSTRA? CANDICE MICHELLE'S WORKRATE SUCKS BECAUSE SHE'S TOO BUSY HAVING SEX WITH HER NEW BOYFRIEND (ME) TO IMPROVE HER WRESTLING? KIDMAN SPOTTED IN AUSTRALIA, HIDES IN A KANGAROO'S POUCH TO AVOID AUTOGRAPH HUNTERS? CHYNA ADMITS THAT SHE WAS "PROBABLY LYING" ABOUT EVERYTHING SHE'S SAID FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS? PLUS HOT PICS OF MARYSE IN FRANCE FRENCH-KISSING A MYSTERIOUS SEVEN FOOTER WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP (THE SEVEN FOOTER, NOT HER. SHE'S WEARING A PUFFY JACKET) AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

14/9/08

2009-10-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Mick Foley is a whiney little crybaby who can't handle being shouted at by Vince over his headset! After Foley told a story about Tori Amos hugging him FOR NO REASON while he was commentating, Vince shouted "DAMN IT, TALK ABOUT THE MATCH, NOT SOME HIPPY BITCH WHO'S PROBABLY A DEMOCRAT ANYWAY, VOTE MCCAIN!" and Foley started crying live on air and JR had to wipe away his tears with his cowboy hat! After the show Foley meekly marched up to Vince and said "aww, shucks Vince, could you please not yell at me? I can handle a lot of things, I can handle being thrown fifteen feet off the top of hell in the cell and threw the GIMMICKED FAKE spanish announce table which broke my fall so that it didn't even hurt at all. I can handle going on endlessly about Melina for no apparent reason to the point where my wife thinks we're having an affair so I have to dedicate four chapters of the my third and worst autobiography to explaining that we're just friends! I can handle that awful match I had with Carlito at Taboo Tuesday! I can handle Ric Flair out-working me at Summerslam even though he's twenty years older than me and mad as a Sheik! But I can't handle being yelled at! So, please, could you stop it?" And Vince thought about it for a long moment then said "NO CHANCE IN HELL, PAL! YOU'RE FIRED!" and Foley started crying against but wiped away the tears with Socko and said "Oh yeah? Well, you can't fire me, even though you already did...I quit! And don't record me saying that and play it during a match with The Rock! Bang bang!" and stormed out! Then Vince said "WHAT A BIG BABY!" and MELINA(!) came out from under his desk and said "I'm glad I didn't sleep with him!" then went back under!

Anyway, as NONE of you are aware, RAW was taped YESTERDAY this week for emotional reasons and I was in attendence with my signs and my hot opinions so here are some spoilers!

The show started with Lillian singing some song about a "star strangled bruce banner" YAWN just get on with the wrestling!

First of all the ECW music played and I cheered because let's face it if you take off your rosey tinted Bret Hart shades of nostalgia you'll see that the new ECW is MUCH betterer than the old ECW with Shane Douglas ever was! Teddy Long came out to the ring and said "Let me holler at you, playas!" like he always says because he has no imagination then said "umm, to be honest with you, there are now ECW tapings tonight, they've been changed to being before Smackdown again! I know, I know, I can't keep track of it either! But how about a special bonus match between Evan Bourne and newcomer from the talent initiative, THE MASKED PHANTOM, how about that, playas?" and about seven people cheered.

Then the Masked Phantom came out to the ring and SHOVED Teddy Long on his ass and said "Listen up JABRONI, I ain't no jobber like them other jobbers, I'm the Masked Phantom, okay, ah, heck, I'm actually TEST, ANDREW MARTIN, I'M BACK, YEAH BABY!" and Even Borne rolled him up for the pin then ran away and the Masked Phantom just stood around in the ring looking bored for two minutes then left!

Now after this LONG wait it was FINALLY time for RAW to start! It started with Mike Adamle in the ring and he said "Tonight will see Chirs Jericho versus CM Punk in a cage match and guess what? A FREE AGENT will interfere and ruin that match! And also tonight Rey Mysterio versus Kane in a pinata on a pole match!" then just walked away again.

First match was D'Lo Brown and Candace Michelle versus Santino and Beth Phoenix the Glamazon! Before the match Santina took the Honk A Meter out of his trunks and said "Haha! I am now-a only 60 weeks away-a from passing the Honkey Tonky Man's record-a! And I would also a-like to note-a that the Honky Tonk Man enjoys the GAY SEX with GAY MEN whereas I have consentual heterosxual sex with the Glamazon! So who is the better man now-a? It's a-me!" and did a crotch chop! Anyway, the match was good because D'Lo is the GREATEST worker in the WWE at the moment due to the ten years he spent in Japan working for the Great Mutanta and TAKA Michinoku's grandad BARRY Michinoku, but on the other hand the match SUDKED because it only lasted ninety six seconds (obviously they don't want D'Lo showing up the main eventers, which he would!) Santino pinned D'Lo with a roll-up after Beth flipped her hair into his eyes.

D'Lo was walking backstage muttering "can't believe I lost to Santino, I beat Kobashi and Misawa in one night,mutter mutter" when he walked right into MARK HENRY! They looked each other up and down for a full five minutes (we were all on the edge of our seat in the arena wanting to know what would happen next!) before eventually they HUGGED! And D'Lo said "how you doing, big man! Remember that time you went on that date with Chyna and I drove the car?" and Mark Henry smiled and said "Shame what happened to her. Hey, remember when you accidently caused Terri Runnels to miscarry but it turned out that she was faking? Well guess what, I actually DID get her pregnant earlier that day, so it really WAS a shoot miscarry! You killed a baby, man!" Then D'Lo looked stunned but suddenly FAAROOQ (Ron Simmons) appeared from out of a locker or something and said "Nation of Is-DAMN!"

Next up, Ted Debiase, Cody Rhodes and Manu came to the ring and said "listen up Randy Orton you big sucker! We want your respect but if we can't have your respect we want your BLOOD so how about you take us on now, three on one, with one arm tied behind your back, you loser?" Then Orton came out and said "no" and walked away again!

Next up JBL came out for his SCHEDULED match with Charlie Haas with Batista at the guest referee for some reason but he took the mic and said "listen up, son, you better not come out here dressed as anyone funny or else I ain't wrestling and in fact I might murderlise you with my limo like I did John Cena!" Then JOHN CENA'S music played and all the little kids marked out even though it was obviously just going to be Charlie Haas dressed up, but he didn't come out then it went backstage and showed Charlie Haas lying in a pool of his own blood and Cole said "WHO CHOULD HAVE DONE THIS TO CHARLIE HAAS OF ALL PEOPLE!?" and Batiasta hit the Batista bomb and counted his own pinfall and Adamle came out and said "contraguatlions, Batista, you now get the title shot at No Mercy! Looks like Charlie Haas being brutalised has worked out well for you!" and Batista nodded supsicously and ran backstage!

Backstage some cops come up to Batista and say "we want to ask you some questions about the brutalisation of Charlie Haas!" but Batista gave them all spinebusters, threw DH Smith (who shows up for every RAW in the slim chance that he might actually be booked in a match" out of his car and drove away at top speed yelling "I AIN'T GOING BACK TO NO PRISON!" Then there was a loud CAR CRASH sound effect and a woman screamed "HE'S DEAD, THE ANIMALS DEAD, THE BREAKS WERE CUT AND NOW HE'S DEAD OR IN A COMA MAYBE!"

Michael Cole was shown crying real tears at the newz and said "I just can't believe it...not Charlie Haas!"

Next up Shawn Michaels came out to the ring! And he said "You know what? I've decided that the only way to beat Chris Jericho is to ABANDON my Christian beliefs and become a lowdown atheist!" and the fans booed, of course, since atheisism is BAD! "Hey, don't hate the player, Jack!" he continued. "After all, what kind of a God would allow Jericho to win the title anyway? And you know what else, you peons? As soon as I turned atheist I also immediately started cheating on my wife Nitro Girl Whypser...WITH HER!" and pointed to the stage and JILLIAN HALL(!) came out singing "losing my religion" by REM! Then her and Shawn made out for five minutes until MARTY JANNETTY(!!!) stumbled over the barricade and shouted "PLEASE SHAWN, CONVINCE THEM TO REHIRE ME!" and threw up all over Jillian's cleavage. This was not part of the show.

Next up was FINALLY time for the long awaited Pinata on a pole match between Rey and Kane! And Kane kicked Rey's buttass all over the ring until Rey made an unconvincing comeback by reversing a chokeslam into a headscissors somehow and then he hit a 619 and climbed up to smash the pinata but it just fell down unbroken and he gave the Pinata a 619 to bust it wide open! But then HORNSWOGGLE popped out and spat GREEN MIST in Rey's eyes and Kane hit a chokeslam and said "well done, my little Hell Spawn! That's right, Finlay! That woman you knocked up? I knocked her up FIRST! HAHAHAHA!" and Hornswoggle put on an EVIL leprachaun mask and started biting Rey's crotch!

Next up was Regal versus Jamie Noble AGAIN because we never get tired of it and Layla came out looking really confused and really EMOTING all her feelings by looking surprised everytime Jamie hit a move even though he's a professional wrestler and acting all SHOCKED when Regal thrust his crotch at her even though he's a pervy old brit! Regal won with a move then said "and now, Layla, since I just won a wrestling match, you have no choice but to service me in a sexual manner like the bloody tart you are!" and Layla nodded MEEKLY until KOFI KINGSTONE ran out and saved her by hitting Regal with a move then Layla said "of course! I didn't have to choose between Regal and Noble at all! I could have just went with someone hot who actually wins matches too!" and started making out with Kofi like a tart! Then Noble took out his phone and said "I hope Nidia hasn't changed her number!"

Next up was Cryme Tyme versus the internet's own Mizz and Morrison in another wacky crossover match! The finish came when Morrison messed up a moonsault and landed on his head and the referee said "FUCK, IT'S BROKEN, HIS NECK, FUCK!" and flashed ten X signs to the back and they carried him away on a stretcher after fifteen minutes of treatment in the ring and Miz was crying and Cole said "this isn't part of the show, folks." Boring angle!

FINALLY it was time for the main event of Chris Jericho defending against CM Punk in a soild steel cage! This was actually a GREAT five star ***** match with Punk hitting lots of INDY KICKS and BACKHANDS because punches are illegal in the indies until finally Jericho just couldn't take it and slumped over, so Punk went for the door...and a man in jeans with no shirt on SLAMMED the door into Punk's face! Except he didn't slam the door, he actually PUNCHED IT with a big left hand to send it into Punk! He then got in the ring (the match just ended because the referee was so surprised!) and took the mic and I finally realised who it was.

BART GUNN!!!

"That's right, I'm Bart Gunn!" he said. "I'm sure you all remember me as 'Lefty' Bart 'The Hammer' Gunn from when I won the Brawl For All! BUt instead of becoming the biggest star in the world like I should have been, I was held down! By Vince McMahon and his cowboy friend JR who was in love with Steve Williams, the man I KILLLED to win the Brawl For All! So I was went into exisle and had to wrestle in Japana where I honed my skills against such greats as The Great Mutant and D'Lo Brown for the last ten years! But now I'm back...as the hottest free agent in wrestling!" Then MIKE ADAMLE entered the cage to big boos and said "thats' right! I was in on it all along! Right from the time I called Jeff Hardy 'Jeff Harvey' at the Royal Rumble! It was all building to this moment! It was ME who fixed the draft so that JR would go to Smackdown! It was ME who dropped the set on Vince McMahon, crushing his legs and his spirit! It was ME who ordered Bart Gunn to brutalise Charlie Haas of all people! It was ME who framed Batista for the assualt and cut the breaks on his stolen care which I knew he'd steal somehow in order to get him out of the picture! Because Bart Gunn is the left hand of justice and together we will dominate like nobody else!" Then Bart Gunn SPAT on Jericho and Punk!

Best. Angle. Ever.

Well it was a great RAW I attended and YOU can watch on tv tomorrow if you want, probalby no point now that I've spoiled it though! But now for some NEWZ!

BREAKING NEWZ: The Masked Phantom has been released. I wish him well in his feature en-beavers!

Scotty Gold Man's new gimmick will be that he paints himself gold before every match. But he'll still never actually win. Never.

Well, that was some good newz. Now for some FANTAZY BOOKING~!~! As you ALL KNOW lots of BIG WWE stars like Mick Foley and Nunzio have been released and RUMOR HAS IT that they are all going to TNA for a big-ass invastion angle! Well since TNA will ruin it by letting Russo book I decided to book the whole thing MYSELF first and do it BETTER so here is how I, Hot Newz, the sexiest man alive, would book the TNA invasion by released WWE guys angle!

On the first Impact after whichever pay per view it is tonight, MICK FOLEY comes out to the ring! And Don West says "wow, there's a surprise, a guy we teased was coming to TNA on our website has come to TNA. What a shocker, Mike!" all sarcastic and stuff!. Then Foley takes the mic and says "And now I will introduce FOUR MEN who have been released from the WWE but under my guidement will take over TNA!" and West says "WOW, FOUR MEN, THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, MIKE, THEY AREN'T EVEN ON OUR ROSTER!" and clutches his chest!

Foley continues: "First, Dancing Steven Richards!" and Stevie Richards comes out dancing to a big pop.

Next he says "And now, Dancing Big Daddy MABLE!" and Big Daddy V comes out except he's in his old Mable outfit and he's dancing to a big pop!

"And now, MONEY BAGS Shannon Moore!" And Shannon Moore comes out throwing DOLLAR BILLS to the crowd!

Then they all stand in the ring(~!) and Foley says "well that about racks it up...wait a minute, I'm losing my mind! My God, I almost forgot the fourth released man! Ric Flair, get on out here!" And West falls off his chiar. But no one comes out and Tenay manages to say "to the back!" so it goes to the back and you see RIC FLAIR lying face down in a pool of BLOOD with a broken black baseball bat next to him and Tenay says "who has done this to Ric Flair, WHO!" and that's it for one week!

Then next week's show opens with VINCE RUSSO reading a prepared statement. "Hello, I am Vince Russo, the booker man of TNA. I am the man who writes this great show ever week! I have been asked to read a statement saying that TNA does NOT approve of the assualt on Ric Flair and we do NOT know who did it...but you know what? In typical Vince Russo tradition, I'm breaking with tradition!" Then he RIPS his script up and says "I know the identitiy of the person who did it! I have their identity HERE in a brown envelope and I'm going to reveal the NAME of their identity right now! That identity of their identity is..." And he opens the brown envelope "Vince Russo? But that's me! It wasn't me!" Then COP OFFICERS storm the room and say "you're coming with us!" and handcuff Russo and BEAT HIS RIBS until he spits up blood and they drag him away! Then one of the cops looks into the camera and winks and it's NUNZIO!

Later on the show they have a poll to decide the SEXIESTEST knockout and of course it's SHELLEY MARTINEZ with 99% of the vote and she comes out to the ring and stands about in her underwear as the fans go crazy until CHERRY(~!) comes out! And Cherry says "listen up, you might be sexier than me and I might be turning to lesbianism as I speak just looking at you, but can you ROLLERSKATE?" and before Salinas can answer GAIL KIM comes out and says "Hey, guess what, I was released from TNA and was going to go back to the WWE but I came back here instead so that means my loyalties...are to SHELLY!" and she attacks Cherry! But then Angelina Sky, Velvet Love and Taylor Wilde come out and Taylor said "that's right! I looked in a mirror and realised I'm blond and a beautiful person, so I joined the beautiful people!" Then Gail, Sexy Shelly the hottest woman alive and Cherry (meh) decide to put their differences aside and team up to face the Beautiful People in a six knockout UNDERWEAR match in which all TWELVE boobies pop out!

Later on the show after the Dudleyz have beaten some jobbers like Curryman and Sharkman they grab the mic and say "we love TNA and HATE interlopers!" to turn face but then when they turn around RORY AND ROBBIE the HIGHLANDERS from OBAN SCOTLAND are in the ring and they hit the Dudleyz with GLASS STEEL CHAIRS! Then Rory (the brains of the outfit) says "that's right you pukes! We have come to change the face of tag team wrestling, just like we did up north! And we don't mean in the WWE by that, we mean up in the north of Scotland! We beat all the wrestlers, all the sheep, we even beat the Loch Ness Monster and made him pay US tree fiddy Euros or whatever money they use in Scotland! And by the way, in the WWE they made us wear tights under our kilts, but here in TNA we're ALL NATURAL!" and they pull their kilts up and STICK THEIR CROTCHES right in Bubba and D'Von's faces as Don West says "IT'S A TEA-BAGGING, MIKE, A FORCED TEA-BAGGING!" and we quickly go to commercial!

Also at some point in time DOMINO comes out and says "Heyyy! I'm like the Fonz!" and the fans cheer then he says "I don't want your STINKING cheers!" to they boo. Then he says "by the way, you remember me tag partner Deuce? MORE LIKE DOUCHE!" And the fans don't know how to react and just shrug.

Finally this INSANE INVASION comes to a head when Ric Flair is found knocked out AGAIN and Mick Foley says "I'm going to get to the bottom of this, like when I was a detective and found out that RIKISHI ran over Austin and he did it for the Rock even though actually he did it for Triple H for some reason! Just like that! I have investigated and found a BROKEN BASEBALL BAT at the scene of the crime! That means the man who attacked Ric Flair's ass is STING!" Then Sting protests his innocence but Stevie Richards gives him a Stevie Kick and he falls off the rafters (he was on the rafters) and through TEN tables! But then Mick bends down and insepcts the broken baseball bat and says "hmm, wait a minute! This is actually...a guitar spray painted black?! But that means..." and then he checks on Flair but finds it's actually a WIG and pulls it off and it's JEFF JARRETT lying in the pool of blood, not Flair! And Foley says "Huh? Jeff Jarrett knocked himself out? That don't make no sense..." and then suddenly SAMOA JOE runs up and gives Foley an OLAY KICK (he's still bending over if you remember) knocking ALL his remaining teeth out! THen Jarrett gets up and RIPS OFF his face (it was a fake face!) and it's really KEVIN NASH underneath! And he says "our plan worked!" and Joe says "GRRR!" And this sets up the first ever THREE HOUR iron man match between Foley and Joe at a special pay per view where it's the only match on the show and it'll get the biggest buy rate EVER!

Well I think you can all agree that if TNA did all of that then the ratings would turn around!

Well this is the LIZZAST Hot Newz ever sicne it gets less thread views than the results of some obscure indy fed here on the W and no replies and no one ever emails or anything so what's the point and no one's reading this bit anyway so I can say what I want, SUCK IT UNCLE ERIC goodbye forever and keep on ROCKING!!!

CHRISTY HEMME ADMITS THAT SHE HATES ROCKING AND PREFERS WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS? CANDACE MICHELLE'S NEW FINISHER TO BE A MESSED UP HEADSCISSORS WHICH COLE CALLS "WOW, LOOK AT THAT"? D'LO BROWN'S SEATed CLOTHESLINE NAMED '"SUDDEN IMPACT" (HE DID IT TO SANTINO IN HIS RETURN MATCH IF YOU REMEMBER) BANNED FOREVER FOR BEING FAR TOO DEADLY? BOOKER T STARES AT HIS HAND LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT'S THE HAND HE USES TO MASTURWANK? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF TORRIE WILSON FROM PLAYBOY BUT WITH KELLY KELLY'S FACE PHOTOSHOPPED ONTO THE BODY AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

29/6/08

2009-10-16T15:53:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Vince has gone totlaly crazy! He started giving away A MILLION dollars of his own money (not Shane's or Stephanie's or Linda',s his own!) every week to get people to watch RAW! But it made no difference! Then someone said "uhh, Vince, maybe you should give the money away to viewers live on RAW?" since he'd actually just been walking around the streets of america throwing money at people saying "WATCH RAW, PAL!" So he started giving it away on RAW instead...and that sucked too! Vince is now trying to get the original cast of the muppets (Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Silent Pete) to appear on RAW next week because "everyone loves the muppets and they'll bring in the ratings, pal!"

The draft was LAST Monday! And for the first time ever it was a SHOOT DRAFT where all the results were RANDOM! That's why JR had a LEGIT heart attack when he was drafted to Smackdown and also why HHH dropped the set on Vince when he was drafted to RAW (it was Triple H all along!) Vince will now get ROBOT LEGS to replace his broken human ones and will strut around in them thrusting his still human crotch at girls and saying "once you go robot, you never go back!" But then it will be revealed that they were FAKE robot legs because he was just trying to trick people into being scared of him (you can do a lot of damage if you use robots legs to kick someone!) and the whole story will just be forgotten!

If you haven't already, then watch The Dirt Sheet on WWE.com. Miz and Morrison found the scripts to a bunch of ten year old Edge and Christian sketches and they are busy recreating them for our amusement!

JR quote of the month: "SMACKDOWN? SMACKDOWN? GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY, KING, I'D RATHER CALL MATCHES DOWN IN HELL, WHILE LUCIFER PLAYS THE FIDDLE AND TAP DANCES ON BABY GRAVES, THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE SMACKDOWN FOLKS, I HATE IT MORE THAN A TWO DOLLAR STAKE THAT'S BEEN COVERED WITH BBQ SAUCE OTHER THAN MY OWN, FUCK SHIT FUCK!"

TNA is set to present it's WORLD X-Cup where the biggest stars from Mexico (El Gran Luahadore), Japan (The Great Mutant) and England (Chester McPippinstock) will all have to lower their standards and sell for jokes like Curry Man and Shark Boy! Rumor has it that Kaz will win the X Cup but then job clean to Petey Williams two weeks later, disappear from tv for a month, get an upset win over Scott Steiner, lose to Steiner three weeks in a row afterwards, then form a meaningless tag team with, let's say, Abyss. So a big push for him then!

Ultimate Warrior has made a comeBACK in Italy against Orlando Jordan! This is of course the third Ultimate Warrior (the one who had that awful match with Goldust in WWF in 96 then appeared in a mirror that everyone in the world but Eric Bischoff could see him in) but he's still a huge star and drew a big crowd of Italians and some Swedish! However the match SUCKED A BALL because Warrior is old and too full of hatred towards liberals to be able to even run the ropes and in fact it was so bad that afterwads the Italians tried to push over the Leaing Tower Of Pizza to crush the arena (which was right next to the Leaning Tower of Pizza if I didn't mention that before!) It was also interesting that noted homophobe Warrior made his comeback against Orlando Jordan, who is a "colourful character" if you know what I mean (he's black!)

Night of Chimpions is THIS Sunday! This is the greatest night of wrestling in the year and has been since it started (last year) since ALL the titles that matter in wrestling are up (I.E. NOT the TNA titles, the japanese titles or the German and French tag team championship, a championship that can only be held by a team of one German and one Frenchman!)

HHH versus John Cena - Who will win this boring battle between the boring babyfaces Cena and HHH? Answer NO ONE CARES LOL! But if you want to know for historical reasons, HHH wins with a pedigreen on BARBED WIRE that JR slips into the ring then JR says "YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE BLEEDING OUT YOUR FACE NOW, CENA, YOU JACKASS, IF I HAVE TO ANNOUNCE SMACKDOWN, I'LL ANNOUNCE IT WITH THE GREATEST WRESLTER ON THE PLANET HHH AS CHAMPION, SUCK IT YOU JABROIN!" and does a crotch chop! But then Triple H just gives JR a pedigree as well and for the next two months on Smackdown Cena beats the shit out of JR every night in an attempt by Vince to get him to quit and if that doesn't work, Vince will start banging his wife! Anyway, HHH wins.

Edge versus Bautista - Before the match Vickie says "guess what Batista you asshole, you won't be wrestling tonight, FUNAKI will be instead!" and Edge laughs and runs at Funaki but Funaki rolls him up in a SMALL PACKAGE for the one two and the three(!) and runs laps around the ring with the belt but then Vicki says "uhh...it was non title!" and Edge spears Funaki and steals the belt back and runs backstage and gets into his car and says "driver, let's go!" but then teh driver turns around and it's CM PUNK(!) and he says "I'm cashing in my money in the bank!" and drives the car right at a wall and jumps out and the car EXPLODES in a massive fireball! Then Edge returns to Smackdown two weeks later perfectly healthy and still the champion since Punk forgot to pin him.

Kane versus Big Show versus Mark Henry - OMG the biggest match in history! The only way it could be bigger would be if Great Khali was guest referee and Big Daddy V the guest timekeeper...which they are! Anyway, Big Show chokeslams Kane right onto Mark Henry's bumpy head and has them both pinned and Khali counts "one...two...IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE GREAT KHALI COUNTS TO THREE!" and just walks out so there's no referee but then Big Daddy V grabs the mic and says "MAY NINETEENTH!" and Kane goes NUTS and starts hitting everyone with chairs and tables and cookie sheets and I guess that's a DQ or something.

Chirs Jericho versus ???????? - And ??????? is, in fact...Eugene! He's back!!! Jericho wins in four minutes.

Matt Hardy versus Chavo Guerrero - Matt wins with a Twist of Fate and then says "you know what, screw it, this belt, this belt ain't worth poop to me!" and throws down the US belt and spits on it and says "I'm declaring myself the FIRST ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!" but then Teddy Long comes out and says "uhh, Matt, Kane is already the ECW champion" and Matt says "oh, right...umm...I'll keep the US belt then" and wipes the spit off it.

Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes versus Ted Debiase and ???????? - And ???????? is in fact...BRYAN DANIELSON! That's right, everyone's indy hero has SOLD OUT and as the "you sold out!" chants start Ted Debiase says "everyone has a price, AHAHAHAHA!" and Bryan Dragon totally destroys Hardcore and Cody to win the belts with his stiff indy moves like european uppercuts and elbow drops then hugs Ted Debiase for WAY too long but they're BOTH into it and outside the ring old Ted Debiase looks worried!

John Morrison and The Miz versus Finlay and Hornyswoggle - This will be a GREAT technical match and Finlay pins Miz after Hornyswoggle sprays him with a super soaker filled with MANURE JUICE!

Mickie James versus Katie Lea - The fans chant "BUTTER FACE!" at Katie until Burchill comes out and tell them to stop and Katie rolls up Mickie for the pint hen makes out with Burchill like crazy and the King shrugs and says "hey, if my sister was a hot butter face, I would too! With butter!"

And now, since I can't think of anything else to write, an ask Hot Newz special!

First questin is from I'MBRINGINGSEXYBLACK.

what happened to vader

Well, he threw the Emporer into the Death Star's reactor to restore balance to the Force then he died in his son Luke's arms. OH NOOPS LOL, YOU MEANT BIG VAG VADER THE WRESTLER! He wrestled in Japan for a while but he SUCKED because of his low american workrate. Now he's a shoot fighter with GREAT success! You see, Vader is taller and heavier than EVERY man in Japan so all he has to do is hit them on the top of their head and then sit on them to win his fights! He is undefeated and the current JSFUPC (Japan Shoot Fighting Ultimate Power Champion!) champion!

Next question is from Old Stretchy.

hey hot newz love your newz and your penis joke lol i'm not gay well i am bi to be honest can't deny it i anyway i think i had a question about ring of honor but that won't bring in the hits now will it so instead i'll ask a sensationalised question about candance michelle okay what does she mean by go daddy does she meansex by it is that what it means anyway i have to go now bye

That was even more painful than a Rey Mysterio promo! To answer your question(?), yes, Go Daddy means SEX just like Gail Kim's "happy ending" means sex and Kelly Kelly's "cookie crunch" of course means sex! It's all sex, you moron!

Thirdest question is from HBKNOTTODAY.

I went to a TNA house show and here are the results!

1) I had a terrible evening.

2) So did my girlfriend.

3) I didn't get laid.

4) I asked Booker T for his autograph but he wrote "NASTY BOY BRIAN KNOBBS" instead and ran away giggling with Kurt Angle.

5) I wanted to kill myself when I got home.

Those are the "results" of going to a TNA house show.

An interesting take on things!

Next questin is from Monty Sock.

Hey Hot Newz, just want to say that I love your column, even if it is just posted on a message board rather than a proper site since no one will hire you because you'd make all the other writers look bad in comparison to your brilliance! Anyway, that's NOT why I wrote, believe it or not! I just watched the draft on RAW and noticed that Rey Mysterio is moving to RAW. Obviously he won't be a main eventer there since RAW is the flagship show and not some joke like Smackdown and they couldn't have a small person as a main eventer, so I've come up with a booking idea for him: a feud with Brian Kendrick. Kendrick can turn heel and call himself Brian KenDICK because he acts like a dick now (do you get it?) and he gives Rey Sliced Bread Number Two onto thumtacks and says "I hope those tacks stick right into your brain!" THey could have a long six to nine month feud where they wrestle each other in various kinds of matches on television and pay per view, trading victories all the while! What do you think?

I think that might just be the GREATEST IDEA EVER...except for the fact that Kendrick has been drafted to Smackdown! DUH!

Final question is from Avril4Life(andDeath).

Do you think Avril Lavigne will ever perform live on Monday night Raw>

No.

Well that's it for this month, I'll probably be back with an even shorter update next month where I just list the top ten smelliest looking wrestlers (SPOILER: Mideon at number two!) or something equally worthless since I don't care at all about wrestling anymore, bye for nizzow!!!

WWE TO COUNTER TNA'S X DIVISION AND KNOCKOUT DIVISION BY BRINGING BACK THE JUNIOR DIVISION BUT WITH HOT FEMALE MIDGETS? ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S COMEBACK INSPIRES MARTY JANNETTY TO MAKE A COMEBACK...UNTIL HIS PAROLE OFFICER TELLS HIM HE CAN'T LEAVE THE STATE? STEPHANIE PREGNANT WITH TWINS, ONE TO BE NAMED DEUCE THE OTHER DOMINO? VINCE STILL HAS NO IDEA THAT HE WAS RICKROLLED? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF ME AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND A HOT FEMALE MIDGET AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

24/5/08

2009-10-16T15:51:00.000-07:00

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz this week is Shawn Michaels' FOENEY knee injury! Shawn didn't want to do the JOB to Batista because he's up to his old tricks so he faked an injury in the middle of the match and said he couldn't take the Batista bomb because it would "snap his leg" but he could still kick Batista and pin him and he did that! And even Vince McMahon was disgusted and said "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD CHRISTIAN KID NOW, YOU JABRONI!" and kicked Shawn's leg right out from under his leg! Ironically enough this resulted in a REAL knee injury to Shawn and he is now in considerable pain at all times but no one believes him becaue he's the boy who cried worf and he was forced to wrestle Jericho at Judgement Day even though it could have ended his career! Serves him right for screwing Sid out of the title in 97 if you ask me!

Jeff Hardy is back from his drug suspension! Jeff has PROMISED to never do any drugs again or at least do all his drugs five minutes AFTER the test so that they'll be out of his system by the next test, which is a very good thing of him to do!

BREAKING NEWZ: William Regal is now suspended in Hardy's place! Apparently the WWE can only have one guy suspended for drugs at a time so that's why they had to wait for Jeff to come back so they could suspend Regal. This explains why he was acting so erratic as GM I suppose! It is not known at this time if Regal was mashing his drugs into his dinner and eating them, but if that was what he was doing it would make him a dinnermasher!

Michael Hayes has been suspended for racism! Hayes has used the "but black people can use the N word so whites should be able to as well!" defense to MIXED SUCCESS (not mixed race marriages, he doesn't approve of them!) backstage with Stephanie McMahon taking Hayes' side (because she's a stupid bitch) and everyone else siding with Mark Henry (because they're scared of him!)

Ultimate Warrior is making a comeback! Warrior is being trained by RVD who is teaching him how to do the same six moves sloppily in every match like RVD can do...which is DOUBLE the amount of moves Warrior USED to do be able to do sloppily! He will feud with Samoa Joe and HOPEFULLY end that fat man's title reign with his new finsiher, the Roll Of The Dice!

Jonathon Coachman has been BULLIED out of the WWE forever by Michael Cole! Coach just couldn't take the verbal abuse frome Cole on commentary anymore so left for a LAME job with ESPN or something! As a tribute to the Coach, I proudly present the top three Coach moments of all time!

3) That time he managed Garrison Cade for about a month for no reason.

2) That time he was booked to beat old Stone Cold at Taboo Sunday but the rattlesnake walked out so Coach brought in Goldust and Fat Vader for a match with Batista for some reason and Vader kept falling over!

1) I can't think of anymore.

We'll miss you, Coach!

I went to a TNA house show last week! It has been said online by many respected journalists that TNA house shows are MUCH better than there tv shows because they just let the wrestlers wrestle with NO stupid gimmicks so I was pretty optimistic going in!

Right at the start, DON WEST and Mikey Tenay came out to a big pop and a few boos and some groans and one "you can't an-nounce!" chant (from me!) Mike took the mic but then West just grabbed it off him and said "IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK IN LAS VEGAS! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, USUALLY TNA HOUSE SHOWS HAVE NOTHING BUT GREAT WRESTLING FROM START TO FINISH. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? TONIGHT WE DECIDED TO FUCK THAT SHIT AND DO SOME CRAZY GIMMICKS! THAT'S RIGHT, I JUST SWORE, FUCK IT YEAH, IT'S A HOUSE SHOW AND I CAN SAY AND DO WHATEVER I FUCKDAMN PLEASE, WHOOO!" then he pulled his shirt off(!) and dropped trou(!) and started strutting around the ring doing crotch chops! Then Mike took the mic and said "Haha, what a crazy guy! But I love him like a brother! Let me explain what's happening tonight: there will be a bunch of tag matches between regular teams and, yes, miss-matched partners! Now, the winning team in each match will go on to a steel cage battle royal later tonight! However, the two members of the losing team will have to face off against each other in a stipulation match chosen by the winning team! And oh yeah, the steel cage battle royal will be a DOUBLE ELIMINATION battle royal where you have to be thrown out over the cage TWICE to be eliminated and the winner gets a shot at Samoa Joe in an iron man match in the main event, to the back!" Then West grabbed the Mike and squeezed his balls(!) making him drop the mic and he grabbed that and said "NOT ONLY THAT MIKE YOU SEXY MAN, NOT ONY WILL THE WINNER GET A TITLE MATCH, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY OF ALL HE WILL WIN A DATE, A HOT DATE, WITH NONE OTHER THAN SO CAL VAL, MAN I'D LIKE TO HIT THAT!" Then West clutched his chest and fell on the mat like he was having a worked heart attack (he was) and VELVET LOVE and ANGELINA SKY ran out dressed as SEX NURSES and Angelina said "looks like he's going to need some ORAL PERSUASION to save his life!" and was about to kiss him when the LIGHTS WENT OFF (I started a "Will-iam Reg-al!" chant) and when they came back on MATT MORGAN was in the ring with Angelina and Velvet on each shoulder and they were wearing summer dresses now for some reason and Don and Mike were sitting at ringside all sweaty!

First match was Team 3D versus the Mortar City Machine Guns! The Dudleyz were playing face for some reason and kept shouting "we love you fans!" and the Machine Guns hit about 39 finishing moves on D-Von (stopping to point at their hands after and indeed during each one) for a one count and then Bubba just slapped Alex Shelly hard across the face and got the pin! Then Bubba said "and now you two little pick-pockets, you will face each other in the deadliest match of them all...an ARM WRESTLING match!"

So next was Alex Shelly versus Chris Sabin in an arm wrestling match and they just kept pointing at their hands rather than lock up so I started a "we want arm wrestling!" chant and finally they went at it and Sabin won in three seconds and they hugged afterwards but can they ever be the same again!?

Second tag match was Stone Cold Steve Shark Boy and Jay Lethal versus Sonjay Dutt and Freddie Kazarian! Before the match Lethal said to Sonjay "hey man, we cool? We cool man? Yeah man, we cool!" and they hugged but during the match Sonjay went for an anansi moonsault to the floor on Lethal but he missed and landed on So Cal Val (who was at ringside!) in the 69 position! Then Don West pulled him off and said "NOT UNTIL YOU WIN THIS TOURNAMENT, MANDAWG!" and Shark Boy hit da shrimper or whatever gay name he calls the stunner on Freddie for the win! Lethal was so angry about the 69 that he said "right now, Sonjay and Freddie, you got to wrestle each other...in a DEATH match, where the winner is the first not to die!"

So next was Sonjay versus Kaz in a death match where the winner is the first not to die and Kaz was going to play dead to give Sonjay the win so no one would have to die but Sonjay pulled out an AXE and smiled like a maniac to show his darkside but then Kaz just rolled him up for the pin anyway and ran away and Don West said "WE FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YOU CAN ALSO WIN A DEATH MATCH BE PINFALL, MIKE." Match of the night so far.

Next was BJ James and Awesome Kong (wow, continuity from Sacrifice!) versus AJ Styles and Tomko! And before the match BJ said "well let's face it, I'm fat, I'm old, I've only got three moves, my best days were in 1998 and I sucked then too! The only was we can possibly win is if my, hehe, beautiful partner Awesome Kong wrestles the whole match because she might be a woman, but she's better than me!" And Kong DID wrestle the whole match and WON with an awesome bomb on Styles after a mysterious masked man holding a brown paper bag appeared at the top of the stage and Tomko ran after him! Then Kong took the mic and said (wait a minute, she can't speak! They totally broke kayfabe again on this show!) "you really think me beautiful, BJ? Then how about AJ and Tomko fighting in a...KISS MATCH!" Then she kissed BJ and he got hard!

So next was AJ versus Tomko in a KISS match where you win by kissing your opponent (obviously!) and AJ went for the kiss early but Tomko kicked him in the face then he went for the kiss but AJ ducked and Tomko kissed some girl in the crowd (eww, cooties!) and then AJ went for a SPRINGBOARD KISS but Tomko pulled out the brown paper bag and hit AJ with it in MID AIR knocking him out then Tomko kissed the unconsicous AJ (for way too long!) and won the match! Then Tomko opened up the brown bag and inside was KAREN ANGLE'S HIGH HEEL SHOE what could this mean!?

Another tag match (boy I wasn't getting sick of those or nothing!) next with miss-matched partners Kip Jammes and Kevin Nash versus the Rock and Rave Infusion! Right at the start Nash said "LOOK the only reason I'm here is a contractual obligation, you think I'm going to wrestle in front of two hundred people in Buttfuck, Florida, of course not, you're lucky I even wore clothes today, you're on your own Mister Ass! Oh, and if I had wrestled, I wouldn't have turned on you, I would have turned you ON, you homo!" and just walked away! So Kip had to win it on his own...and did with a pedigree on Rave! Then he said "that's right, I'm the real Triple H and that stands for one Happy Healthy Homosexual! That's right, I'm coming out right now so let's get this party started!" and he made out with Jeremy Borash and the crowd cheered his bravery. Then Kipp said "and now you two can fight each other in a tolerance match!"

So next was Hoyt versus Rave in a tolerance match and Hoyt asked the referee what that was and the ref just shrugged and Rave rolled up a confused Hoyt for the pin! Then Hoyt said "hey, I'm not tolerant of that!" and was about to turn on him when Christy Hemme (WHO IS HOT) ran out with Guitar Hero guitars and the music came on and all three danced in the ring like Rikishi and Too Cool only lamer playing the toy guitars! Then Christy did the splits.

Next up was the team of BEST FRIENDS Rhino and Christian Cage (remember when everyone thought he should be a main eventer in WWE? LOL!) taking on LAX and YES Airiel is the hottest woman in wrestling bar NONE, thanks for asking, and she shook herself at me and some of her sweat flew off her breasts and landed on me! Anyway even though LAX are the NEW tag champions and the kings of DEUCES WILD then still lost clean when Rhina GORED Homicide (who is only about four foot tall in peson) righ out of his boots! Then Christian said "well seeing as you two like to rerference Eddie Guerrero so much, how about you fight right now in an EDDIE GUERRERO REFERENCE match!

So next was Homicide versus Hermandez in an Eddie Guerrero reference match and Homicide went for the triple verticals and the froglash but Hermandez stole a chain from Homicide and hit him with it then told the refereree he didn't do it and got the pin. You see, he lied, he cheated and he stole! Then Hector Guerrero said "hehe, that was great. And you know what else? I was sleeping with Vickie all along too!" And there was just an awkward silence.

Final tag match was Booker T and Black Rain (OMG Booker and Goldust reunited and it feels so good!) against Scott Steiner and little Petey Pee-Pee! THis one went all of four intense minutes before Rellick (that's Kciller spelt backwards!) ran out and tried to hit Pete with a brick but Petey ducked and the brick hit Raindust. The brick then shattered into DUST because it was a FAKE brick and Rellick was going to double cross Black Rain by hitting Petey (it wouldn't have hurt him and would have given Petey the power of SURPRISE!) with it but it hit Black Rain instead but the dust got in his eyes and Steiner rolled him up for the pin! Then Steiner said "man that finish was so confusing that I need to have a nap now! Petey, book the match!" and Petey shrugged and said "umm, how about...a Rellick on a poll match?"

So next was Booker T versus Black Rain in a Rellick on a poll match but they didn't have a poll so Rellick had to stand on the turnbuckle and he fell off every time someone hit the ropes! The match ended when Booker just said "man, I used to be in the WWE, I don't need this shit" and walked out, leaving Black Rain looking confused. Then Rellick fell off the turnbuckle again as a distraction.

Next was a six Divas OH SORRY I MEAN KNOCKOUT tag match with Gail Kim, ODB (who smells real bad in person, talk about dedication to character!) and Baldie Roxxi versu Amazing Kong, Angelina Sky and Velvet Love! A lot of fans started a "you're still sexy!" chant at Roxxi so I started a "no she is-n't!" chant in response. Also Angelina Sky is really hot and high workrate in person so I started a "next Trish Stratu-us" chant at her and she smiled and wiggled her ass. Anyway this was of course the best match of the night and Gail Kim did a spinning armbar and everything and in the end Roxxi pinned one of the sluts with pedigree (hmm) then started crying and I shouted "she's so emo she probably cut her own hair!" and Gail Kim laughed!

Next up KURT ANGLE made an unexpected trip to the ring by walking to the ring and he said "listen up you jackclowns! Just because my neck is broken into two freaking pieces, doesn't mean I can't come out here and entertain you all by talking about my wife Karen and our sex life! And by that I mean our LACK of a sex life, considering she's sleeping in a different bed to me! In a different building! I have to stay up all night watching my matches on YouTube to feel any kind of sexual pleasure! Don't laugh! But now I've found love in a different place and a different kind of way! No Borash, don't get excited, it's not the kind of way you and Mister Sulu have found love! I have a NEW girlfriend who is a hundred times better at the sexual arts than Karen and I have her name, her identity, all her details in this BROWN ENVELOPE!" And he pulled out a brown envelope(!) and said "The name of her identity IS..." but before he could say anything JEFF JARRETT (oh God no) rolled out from under the ring and smashed a guitar into a million pieces literally over Kurt's head and ripped up the envelope and said "You're not going to reveal the name of her identity, Kurt, I'm not going to to let that happen, slapnuts! Uhh, Kurt?" But Angle wasn't moving! "Kurt? OH NO! SOMEONE GET A DOCTOR! This guitar...it was supposed to be a fake guitar...but someone swapped it for a REAL guitar! It was a real guitar! A REAL GUITAR!" and he craddled Kurt in his arms! And Borash filmed all this so look for it to air on tv soon it was quite a hot angle!

FINALLY it was time for the double elimination cage battle royal to determine who faces Samoa Joe in an IRON MAN match as the main event! And because this is TNA and they are INNOVATORS it was a special cage with EXTRA BARS to make it more dangerous...so many bars that we couldn't even seen what was going on inside! Now that's innovation! So I decided to go and get some SNACK TREATS instead of watching the match and also to load up on food before the one hour iron man main event! Anyway by the time I got back Christian and Scott Steiner were the only ones left in the cage and Steiner picked up Christian and pressed him above his head then somehow threw Christian from the ring RIGHT OVER the top of the cage in an amazing feat of strength and Christian went through four tables on the way down! Then the cage raised up and Steiner said "Samoa Joe, you faaaaat ass, bring your faaaaat ass out here so I can kick your faaaaat ass, you half-breed half-human!"

So now it was the MAIN EVENT an iron man match between Steiner and Joe and Borash said "and now for our main event which, due to time constraints, will now be a TEN MINUTE iron man match!" I felt so ripped off that I started a "I feel so ripped-off!" chant! Anyway maybe it was for the best since Steiner got blown up after two minutes (well it was his third match of the night, GIVE HIM A BREAK) and had to go outside the ring for a break (they gave him a break!) and so Petey could sponge his muscles but he stayed out the ring for too long and was counted out! Then for the next seven gruelling minutes Scott tried to even it up with suplex after suplex after botched suplex until Borash said "time up, Joe wins!" Then Joe danced in the ring with his Samoan dancers but it was nowhere near as good as when the Rick and Rave and Christy guys danced LET ALONE Too Cool and Rikishi so I left in disgust before he'd even finished dancing and later some girl who I met at the show (and YES she was hot) called and said that after I left Sting came down from the rafters and "Let's Dance!" by David Bowie played and he joined in but frankly I think she made that up in an attempt to impress me (when really she should have just sent me some naughty pics on her camera phone to impress me)!

It was the best TNA house show I've ever been to!

Now for my special Hot Newz Rantloaded Rant for Judgemeant Day! Rantloaded is a NEW CONCEPT I have divised where I will review what DID happen and then reviews that SHOULD OF hizzappened! It will change the face of internet reviewing!

Before I start properly I want to compliment the WWE on the obvious Super Mario Galaxy inspired set and graphics they used for this ppv! However the song they used SUCKED and they should of used the Super Mario Galaxy theme instead!

John Cena versus JBL

What happened: ZZZZ! JBL just hit Cena with kicks and forearms for like half an hour and even a full nelson (a rib on Chris Masters, obviously)! Cena might be a good seller but that's only because he's a whining, emo punkass biatch! He eventually hit the FU for the win and that was the ONLY move the entire match! **1/2

What should have happened: JBL should've of grabbed the mic and say "Listen up Marine, we could have a boring half hour wrestling match, or you could be a man and take me on in a STREET FIGHT!" and then they have a WILD STREE FIGHT including hitting each other in the head with stuff and blood and FINLAY running in and finally getting revenge on JBL by swinging Hornswoggle right into his balls! And then Cena hits a FU right through the top of the limo (limo's have thin roofs!) but when he opens the door to go inside and pin him CHARLIE HASS jumps out and gives him a COP KILLA on the conrete and JBL gets the pin! This would start a hot new feud between Cena and the UNDERRATED workrate machine Haas where Cena finally learns to be a good worker! ****1/2

Miz and Morrison versus CM Punk and Kane

What happened: This was an OKAY match since Miz and Morrison are the new Edge and Christian and they aired the DIRT SHEET~!~!~!~! before the match which added a full star! Miz and Morrison did lots of cool double teams to really innovate the scene (I can't remember what they were though) and Punk was really CRISP and PRECISE and Kane sucked but at least he did a seated dropkick to throw a bone to the workrate crowd (me). Morrison pinned Punk CLEAN with a variation of the Roll The Dice (obviously) since Punk is in the dog house for sleeping with all the Divas (he is currently dating Maryse but two-timing her with Layla!) and not drinking enough beer (or any)! ***

What should have happened: Kane should have worked the entire match with Miz and Morrison DESTROYING the old fossil with thier 21st century Brisco-brother style technical double teams until FINALLY he makes a fluke tag to Punk...who instantly hits Kane over the head with the Money In the Bank briefcase, shattering it into literally PIECES then saying "listen up you big fried freak! I'm cashing in my shot at you RIGHT NOW, you Red Robot!" then just pins Kane right away and is the new ECW champion! Then Punk hugs and dances with Miz and Morrison and says "that's right! We're the new hotness because we're straight edge and we're sexier than you and we're taking over because we are GENERATION DIRT!" then they all do the Generation Dirt hand signal! ****1/2

Shawn Michaels versus Chris Jericho

What happened: This was a GOOD MATCH but too SLOW PACED as usual in the WWE and if it had taken place in ROH it would have kicked more ass! Also no one turned which was annoying because they have been building this story up like someone is going to turn heel and the fans have been JONESING for a heel turn but instead they got nothing, like sex without an orgasm you could say! Shawn won with a small package! ****

What should have happened: They would have wrestled TWICE AS FAST with twices as many moves until TRISH STRATUS (recently signed to a new contract by ME) walks to the ring and JR says "GOOD TO SEE TRISH STRATUS BACK IN THE WWE WHERE SHE BELONGS, KING, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, KIND, TONED YOUNG WOMAN!" Then Trish gets in the ring and TURNS on Shawn by chick kicking his leg right out from under his leg! And JR says "DAMN IT TO HELL, WHAT A JEZASLUT, WHAT A WHOREBELL, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HUSSY DID SUCH A THING, TAKE HER TO THE WOODSHED SHAWN, TAKE HER OUT BACK AND HIT HER WITH SOME WOOD, HARD!" Then Jericho and Trish MAKE OUT because they have finally both turned heel at the same time and got together after years of courting and Miz, Morrison and Punk run into the ring and help them throw Shawn through a table then they all hug and do the Generation Dirt hand signal! ****1/2

Mickie James versus Melina versus BETH PHOENIX, THE GLAMAZON

What happened: They had a good match, ENTIRELY carried by the Glamazon (at one point she LITERALLY carried the other two on her shoulders)! However it still wasn't as good as even the worst Astonishing Kong match and the WWE Diva division will NEVER beat the Knockout division until they have the guts to hire UGLY women who can wrestle again like they used to (Molly Holly, DX Tori)! Mickie won with a fake looking DDT.***

What should ahve happened: The match should have been TWICE as long and the Glamazon should have won with a double brainbustaaa~!~!~! because she is the perfect combination of workrate and being hot enough to masturwank over!****1/2

Undertaker versus Edge for the vacant World title!

What happened: This was a good match thanks to Edge who was trained in the dungeon by Stu and Helen like all Canadian wrestlers, but the finish (Taker won by countout) SUCKED and was an insult to my intelligence and even the intelligence of those with AVERAGE intelligence!***

What should have happened: They should have had the same match but faster and with more moves (this applies to every match on the show, really) and when Taker hits a chokeslam VICKIE GUERRERO comes shooting down the ramp on her wheelchair but is going too fast and crashed right into the side of the ring like Mankind did when he rode a stretcher down the ramp in 98 if you were born then! Foley could mention this on commentary since it would be another chance to put himself over. Then Taker goes for "there's that submission hold!" but remembers he can't do it at the last moment and this has left him in perfect position for Edge to lock on the SHARPSHOOTER like a good Canadian! Vickie is supposed to say "RING THE BELL!" but she's still unconscious or possibly on a COMMA so instead Edge just keeps it on for TEN MINUTES until Taker passes out from the pain! Then Edge grabs the belt and grabs Vickie who is still out and says "come on, let's celebrate like we ALWAYS do!" and Hawkings and Ryder say "but she's out cold!" and Edge raises an eyebrow at them and they say "OOOH, now we get it!" and smile evily and all carry Vickie backstage!****1/2

Jeff Hardy versus MVP

What happened: This was a surprisingly good bonus match because at least Jeff didn't stop during the middle of the match to take drugs or anything! I also noticed that Hardy gave his hanky to a fan at ringisde before the match and I wonder if that was a signal to that fan to come backstage and have sex with him afterwards? I didn't see if it was a male or female but I suppose that doesn't matter to the Enigmatic Charisma! Jeff won with the whisper in the wind that didn't actually touch MVP at all but MVP had to stay down because he's best friends with Michael Hayes and being punished!***

What should have happened: This match never should have happened at all! Instead they should have put on the ADVERTISED bonus of Big Show versus Mark Henry because a LOT of people probably ordered this show to see that battle of the giants and were disappointed when it didn't happen! And Big Show should have won SPINNING chokeslam then afterwards you see MICHAEL HAYES watched the replay of Show chokeslamming Henry again and again and again on a monitor for five minutes and laughing and laughing but then teh camera pans up and you see Mark Henry standing behind Hayes cracking his kunckles and his nipples and Hayes GULPS in fear and somehow Ron Simmons appears on the monitor and says "HAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, DAMN!"****1/2

HHH versus Randy Orton

What happened: ZZZZZZZ! We start with a snoozer and we END with a snoozer! This was like every other HHH match since his debut in 1992 at TERROR LEVEL RISING and he hit all the same moves he's been doing for the last twenty years and poor Orton was BURIED like he was no better than Booker T! Extra * for the blood though!*

What should have happened: DUH! RKO off the top of the cage, CLEAN win, HHH retires, Orton turns FACE and declares war on Generation Dirt and mocks their hand signal!

THUMBS MILDLY IN THE MIDDLE DROOPING DOWN for the show, TWELVE THUMBS FULLY ERECT AND UP for my version!

And now for this month's interview with Hulk Hogan! Hogan, or The Huckster as he likes to be known, has gone through some hard times lately with his son Nick being sent to COUNTY JAIL (he's lucky Big Bossman isn't still alive and still a prison guard!), his wife leaving him and The Ultimate Warrior having more of a future in the wrestling business than him! But on the bright side he is rumored to be dating a HOT YOUNG STAR who is friends with his average looking daughter and he's still got American Gladiators until it gets cancelled so let's catch up with him!

Me: Hello, is this the Hulkster?

Hogan: That's correct, brother.

Me: It really is, you said "brother" and everything!

Hogan: How are things, dude?

Me: Things are GREAT for me but they suck for you, brother! How does it feel having a son in county jail?

Hogan: Listen, Nasty Nick will do his time, dude, and then the Lord will set him a new path to walk. Now that's all I have to say on the subject. Let's talk about American Gladiators, brother.

Me: Let's not, it sucks! How do you cope with life now that it has turned on you?

Hogan: I still say my prayers, eat my vitamins and believe in my self like always, brother!

Me: Well religion isn't cool in the 21st century and they have a wellness policy testing against vitamins, brother! So tell me about your HOT young blond girlfriend...

Hogan: I'm not going to tell you about her, brother...

Me: I heard a rumor that she is Hayden Panettiere from Heroes!

Hogan: That's not true, brother, but that Hayden Paintedover girl does have a tidy little ass, dude. If the Showster wanted, he could hit that.

Me: Laugh out loud, you really are still down with the kids! You...hey, wait a minute...the Showster!? This isn't Hogan at all! This is Big Show doing Hogan's voice!

Big Show: Okay, okay, you caught me out!

Me: You big stinky nasty giant, how dare you deceive me!

Big Show: Just having a little joke! LIKE YOUR PENIS! I'm house sitting for Hulk while he films Gladiators.

Me: Don't you mean you're HIDING in his house from FLYOD MAYWEATHER, you yellow-bellied coward?

Big Show: Hey! I gave him a sideslam and a few chops!

Me: It should have been a SHOOT match like your sumo WAR against Akebono!

Big Show: Uhh, what?

Me: You know, that time you...hey, wait a minute, you're not Big Show at all, you really are Hogan!

Hogan: Haha, you caught me out again, brother! I was just having a laugh!

Me: How dare you again! Have you lost your mind now that your family's deserted you or been locked up?

Hogan: My mind is more mighty than ever, brother. And soon I'll open up my own wrestling company with Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs, Brutus the Nasty Beefcake and John Tenta, brother!

Me: Tenta's dead!

Hogan: DEAD excited about being a part of my wrestling company, chap!

Me: No, just dead...hang on, "chap"? Hogan would never say a queer Brit word like that! You're reall...

William Regal: Okay, you caught me out. Good show old boy! Pip pip!

Me: Regal! But what are you doing in Hogan's house!?

Regal: I broke in to raid the medicine cabinet!

Me: You scallywag!

Regal: I've eaten all his fish and chips too!

Me: Hogan has fish and chips!?

Regal: Bloody good stuff, too! Now hang up before the police trace the call!

Me: Why did you answer the phone in the first place?

Regal: Too many questions! Bugger off!

Me: Hey, wait a minute, you're not Regal at all, you're...TAZZ!

Regal: No, it really is Regal.

Me: Oh.

PHONECALL ENDS

What a confusing and disappointing phonecall!

Well I'll be back in Jizzune with more Hot Newz or maybe Jizzuly who knows but it'll definitely be a month with "jizz" in it, well every month has jizz in it when I'm involved if you know what I mean, see you soon!

CENA LAUNCHES BASELESS ATTACK ON THE ROCK, INTERVIEWER TELLS HIM TO SHUT UP? COUSIN SAL SIGNS THREE YEAR CONTRACT? FESTUS TO START WEARING A DRESS TO THE RING AND RIPPING IT OFF WHEN THE BELL RINGS, COMPLETELY NAKED UNDERNEATH? KURT ANGLE CHALLENGES AURORA ROSE TO SHOOT FIGHT? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LITA AND TRISH MEETING UP AT A STARBUCKS AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!