13/8/2011 - SummerSlam Newz!

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is CM PUNK, CM PUMK, CM PUNK, Melina and CM PUNK! And also CM Punk! ALOT has happened with Punk over the last month, so much that when I tried to write abuot it earlier, my keyboard CAUGHT FIRE because I was typing so much! But have no fear, I've got a flame retarded keyboard now and I'm back! I have had literaly SOME emails asking me if the various crazy thigns done by Punk have been works or shoots or shorks or whoots or even shizbangs! To solve those mysteries I have prepared a FLOWCHART showing which is which!

Punk's "shoot" promo on RAW: TOTAL WORK but based on a SHOOT. Punk got angry backstage one week after jobbing to KANE and started shooting to the Diva he was currently banging (let's say...Eve) about all the stuff from the promo! But he was mainly saying it all to turn her on! Eve then repeated the story to the next Superstar she banged and he repeated it to the next Dvia HE banged and soon everyone knew! So when it came time for this angle, the writers had Punk repeat this shoot to them so they could SCRIPT the "shoot" promo on RAW! The only part that was a real shoot was when Punk said hi to Colt Cabana! He was supposed to say hi to Scotty Goldman!

Punk's contract expiring the day of Money In The Bank: WORK that became a SHOOT! As Dave "MMA is my life" Meltzer reported, Punk's actual contract expires on September 11th (hmm...)! BUT to make the angle more real, Punk actually QUIT the WWE briefly so that his contract was INVALID, and signed a NEW contract that expired on the date of Money In The Bank, THEN signed a NEW NEW contract one minute after midnight on the day of Money In The Bank! So it was a confusing, pointless mix of real and fake!

Punk crashing Comic Con: SHOOT! Punk was actually looking for the Game Of Thrones panel (he was going to ask why they created the prostitute character Ros for the show but left out characters from the book like Brynden "The Blackfish" Tully!) and wondered in to the WWE panel by mistake! He then made the best of a bad sitution by saying Triple H has a big nose and asking him to re-sign Koko B. Ware.

Stephanie having Punk's phone number: SHOOT! She's his boss so logically she would have it. They haven't had sex. The only WWE Superstars Stephanie has had sex with are Triple H, Chris Jericho, Test (RIP), Rodney (but NOT Pete Gas, she has standards), Paul London (he mentions in one of his 281 stoned shoot interviews!), Snitsky and A CERTAIN MAN I CANNOT NAME, BUT HE'S QUITE A MACHO GUY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, OOOOH YEAH! (Razor Ramon.)

Vince McMahon quitting the company and Triple H saying "I love you, pop" - Shoot worked worked shoot shoot!

Triple H re-signing Punk because it's "good for business." - WORK! Punk makes no difference to business at all (they might as well have Heidenreich in the same role for all the difference it's made to ratings and buy rates!), but by claiming that he's "good for business" Triple H hopes to fool people into watching RAW beause they'll think "hey, if this Punk guy is good for business, he must be worth watching!"

Gail Kim has also got in on the shooting! After being eliminated from the RAW Divas battle royal in four seconds, Kim tweeted on the way backstage "was just booked to be eliminated from the battle royal in two seconds but stayed in for four. Will anyone notice?" It is thought that Kim only did this to TURN ON Punk since she's one of the few Divas he's never banged (he thinks she's still dating Daniel Bryan and respects him beacuse they're both great workers!) This plan BACKFIRED on Kim when she got backstage and Triple H was waiting for her and said "you suck, your ass is fired! And you don't even have an ass!" and did a crotch chop! Kim said "OMG, you saw the tweet already?" and Triple H said "what tweet?"

Melina has also been fizzired! Even though Melina was the best female worker in the history for wrestling (Bret Hart said it so it must be true and she can do the splits and eveything!) WWE decided to sacrifice her in order to force John Morrison to "man up"! Even though he's currently posting EMO POETRY on his Twitter about how much he loves Melina, soon he will find comfort in the bed of another Diva (Natalya, who suddenly got hot after turning heel!) since he IS a man and no man can go without pussy for too long (I can barely last an hour!) To stop him getting too attached to Natalya, she will turn into a bitch (she is a woman after all!) and dump him for no reason! This will toughen up Morrison and turn him into a REAL MAN who hates women and make him a better wrestler!

UPDATE: WWE are now trying to get Melina evicted from her own home in cast Morrison goes there looking for her!

David Hart Smith has also been sizzacked after authorised wearing of a cowboy hat on Superstars three months ago.

Chris Masters is also gizzone! To understand the reason why, I present to you the transcript of a phone conversation between Triple H and Johnny Ace where they were discussing who to fire!

HHH: How about Chris Masters?
Johnny Ace: Don't you watch Superstars? He's pretty good now.
HHH: Of course I watch Superstars! Every week I make Stephanie wait another forty minutes before I pleasure her becasue I'm catching up on what Masters, JTG and Alicia Fox are doing! I know he's good now.
Johnny Ace: So why release him?
HHH: Remember about five years ago I cut a promo on RAW calling him a shaved gorilla after he got off the gas?
Johnny Ace: Yeah, that was mean.
HHH: My character was mean! It's what he would have said! Anyway, Chris couldn't work back then, he deserved to be released.
Johnny Ace: Right, back then, but he's good now! An asset to the company! To Superstars anyway.
HHH: Yeah, but my character said he sucks. So by becoming a good worker, he's made my character look stupid! My character wouldn't stand for that. That's why he has to be released!
Johnny Ace: But that sounds really petty and childish.
HHH: Exactly! That's what my character is, really petty and childish! And most importantly, that's how the internet sees me!
Johnny Ace: Oh, I get it, you want to release Chris Masters to work the internet!
HHH: Right!
Johnny Ace: Even though you're a great guy really, you want to trick the internet into thinking you're really petty and childish becaue this will make money somehow.
HHH: And it's worth firing Chris Masters just for that!

Poor Chris! But don't worry, he will show up on Impact in three weeks, but Sting in a REVERSE Full Nelson, say "you wanted me to be bizarre, YOU GOT IT, JACK!", job to that twat Anderson the next week, then form a tag team with Abyss to feud with two other tall guys...but they can't get along!

Vladamire Koslov was also rizzeleased I actually managed to bag an EXCLUSIVE 30 interview with him and find out the REAL reason why...but all his answers were in Russian so I can't tell you what the reason was!

Zach Ryder's release IS of course coming, WWE are just waiting for the right moment to do so. The right moment will be when his release causes the MAXIMUM amount of pain to his thousands of internet fans because hurting internet fans is what's really important! Expect it to happen after a RAW in Long Island where Zach finally gets a big win over someone like Dolph Ziggler or R-Truth or even Miz and it looks like his career is FINALLY about to take off...then next week he's Future Endeavored and Cole says "YEAH, NO ONE CALLED ZACH WORKS HERE, HAHA!" then a midget dressed as Ryder comes out to the ring and Chimmel kicks it in the face and Cole says "EVEN CHIMMEL'S BETTER THAN THAT LOSER!" and then there's just five minutes of a close-up of Cole's face smiling smugly.

Jindar Mahall WAS going to be released until someone remembered that he's married to the Great Khali's sister and if he was fired he'd take it out on her, so he gets to keep his job!

The only reason Trent Barreta hasn't been released is because he was never actually under contract! He just showed up one week and started wrestling and everyone just assumed he must work there and never thought about him again!

Due to so many Divas being released or quitting or being injured banging CM Punk, AJ will be locked in a room for a week with DVDS of ALL the greatest Japanese wrestlers (Justin "Thunder" Lightning, Kenta Kobana, Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Rikishidozan, Tajiri, TENTA, Stan Handsome and Fuanki!) to BRAINWASH her into being a great worker who will save the Divas divison!

Summerslam is THIS Sunday! For some reason there are only four matches this year, but it doesn't matter when one of those matches is the biggest match ever (Kelly Kelly versus Beth Phoenix!) Here are the results!

Shameus verus Mark Henry - Mark Henry gives Shameus a World's Strongest Slam RIGHT THROUGH THE RING! Then Mark comes up holding his arms in the air claiming to have won! The referee says "you can't have pinned hm under the ring!" and Mark says "but the underneath the ring referee counted three!" and the referee says "but there is no underneath the ring referee..." and HORNSWOGGLE pops out from the hole in the ring wearing a referee shirt and punches Mark Henry in the balls! Then Shameus hits the Rogue Kick for the three and JR shouts "BAH GAWD, SHAMEUS AND HORNSWOGGLE HAVE TEAM UP TO SCREW WITH MARK HENRY AND CAUSE MISCHIEF!" to explain what happened to the really thick fans! Then Shameus gets down on his knees and cuddles Hornswoggle said "that's right, little fella, I'll be your new dad! I won't get fired for singing the national anthem in french like yer other daddy did, fella! I love ya!" and they do an IRISH JIG with some kids from the crowd!

Booker T commentary - "MAAAAAAAAAAN, what a DOG that Shameus is, MAAAAAAAAN I can't BELIEVE them tactics, those tactics of that Shameus, they were something else, dawg, but I CAN believe that Shameus would USE those tactics, them tactics, to WIN, because WINNING is what it's all ABOUT and now SHAEMUS gets TEN TIMES the money he would have GOT for dat match and he can buy a LOT of lucky charms with that, and you can't BLAME Mark Henry for losing but you CAN blame Mark Henry for NOT WINNIN' and not bringin' out HIS OWN BLACK MIDGET from THE HOOD to counter that Harmswagle, MAAAAAAAAN!"

Kelly Kelly versus Beth Phoenix - Beth goes for the Glam Slam right away but Kelly reverses to the LABELL LOCK(!) and gets the submission! Then DANIEL BRYAN comes out with his Money In The Bank Briefcase but now it's all PIMPED UP with DIAMONDS! Then Bryan says "that's right, I taught Kelly my finisher? Why? Because she's my MAIN SQUEEZE. You see I took The Bella Twins's virginity. I pleasured Gail Kim so much that she couldn't take it anymore and had to quit the company! For a longtime I've been submitting bros. Now? I'm PIMPING HOS!" Then he pulls a ghetto blaster out of his tights and it plays the Godfather's music and he does a sexy dance!

Michael Cole - "OH NO, OH GOD NO, A DIVAS MATCH? If you're taking a bathroom break now, YOU'RE A LOSER. If you paid to watch this show, YOU SHOULD ASK FOR A REFUND. Anyone enjoying this match is LITERALLY RETARDED! OH SHIT, DANIEL BRYAN!? HOW COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a Daniel Bryan match is SCUM and should NEVER watch our product again! IMAGINE HOW LOW THE WRESTLEMANIA BUYRATES ARE GOING TO BE WITH THIS NERD IN THE MAIN EVENT! Anyone who orders that show is GAY LIKE JOSH MATTHEWS!"

Christian versus Randy Orton - Edge comes out and SPEARS Orton to big boos but then spins round and SPEARS Christian to big cheers and Orton lands on top somehow and gets the pin!

Booker T commentary - "Man I understand COMPLETELY what just happened. I don't understand WHY because I'M BOOKER T, but I do understand WHAT and the MOTIVES and the OPPORTUNITY. Man if I was Edge I woudln't have done THE EXACT SAME THING because I'm not Edge, but if I WAS Edge I'd understand that he wants to PROVE he's still a MAN by spearing both guys, and I can understand WHY MYSELF now that I think about it and I would do THE SAME THING, Cole!! I wouldn't do that PERSONALLY but I can see myself doing that PROFESSIONALLY if I was in Edge's SHOES right now! But his shoes wuoldn't fit becasue I gots me some BIGASS FEET! Maaaaaaaaan!"

John Cena versus CP Punk title unification match - Right away Cena says "I respect you, Punkerman" and lies down flat on his back! But when Punk tries to go for the pin, Cena ROLS HIM UP with a small package and Triple H does a FAST COUNT! Punk kicks out anyway and says "oh this is the wya it's going to be!" and kicks Triple H in the thigh and HHH says "oww, my quad!" and hobbles backstage! Then Colt Cabana jumps the barricade and lays out Cena with his finisher, the comedy boston crab! BUT THEN Mick Foley comes waddling out in a referees shirt and lays out Punk with a punch wearing Mister Sock over his fist (that makes it hurt more!) and Cena gets the pin! Then at the next ppv Foley will job to Punk so he can go on and on for years about how he "made" Punk by "putting him over" and can write a fifth book putting himself over for how great he was for putting Punk over! Then Cena turns round right into a big boot by MASON RYAN, his next feud!

Booker T commentary - "Dayum! That match was like a CHICKEN DINNER. No, wait, I lost my train of thought. That match was like SPAGHETTI AND BOOKER BALLS! That's what I cook all up in MY HOUSE, you feel me dawgs? Punk just proved that he is EVERYTHING HE SAID HE IS but then Cena went and DISPROVED dat by proving that Punk is EVERYTHING CENA SAYS HE ISN'T! And that big Scotsman Ryan Shamrock, he just kicked Cena's head to the moon, suckas!"

Well that's it for Hot Newz forever really this is it I'm never writing another Hot Newz again since they're always terrible and I barely watch wrestling and I want to thank ZRC for giving me a shot and paying me so much money for every article I wrote, back soon with more Hot Newz!

FAKE SIN CARA IS REALLY PAUL LONDON WHO SHOWED UP STONED AT THE SMACKDOWN TAPINGS WEARING A SIN CARA COSTUME CLAIMING TO BE "SIN CARA'S DAD BECAUSE I FUCKED HIS MOM, WOOOOO!" AND THEY DECIDED TO GO WITH IT? ZACH RYDER A FACE ON RAW AND A HEEL ON SMACKDOWN AS A METAPHOR FOR THE DUALITY BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL THAT EXISTS IN ALL MEN? KAITLYN WOULD BE HOT IF SHE HAD HIPS? NATAYLA AND BETH HOTTEST HEEL TAG TEAM SINCE THE SMOKING GUNNS? STING PAYING ROYALTIES TO THE FAMILY OF HEATH LEDGER? KURT ANGLE TO HOST THE 2016 OLYMPICS IN HIS BACKYARD? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LAYLA TWEETING MY FRIEND OT IN A DARKENED ROOM AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCIVE AND BLOG CLICK HERE!

3/6/2011

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Chyna, who at one time was not only the most famous woman in wrestling but the most famous woman in THE WORLD, has finally returned to sports entertainment! It might be hard to believe now that she's an aged mess who can barely move but at one time Chyna was the greatest female worker on Earth! She had the size of Awesome Kong, the technical abilities of Layla and the looks of Beth Phoenix The Glamazon all rolled into one! She was the FIRST woman to ever get physical with the men by giving them forearms behind the ref's back and lowblows during Triple H's boring 1997 matches! Miss Elizabeth and Alundra Blaze never did that! Even Sunny, who had HUGE TITS, wasn't as influential as Chyna! Here is a quick look at the history of Chyna's career!

1996 - Triple H sees Chyna in a bar and thinks she's a man at first but then realises she's a woman. He says "you look exactly like a man but you're actually a woman? YOU'RE MY DREAM GIRL, HAVE SEX WITH ME!" and Chyna says "okay!"

1997 - Chyna makes her WWF (as it was known back then, a little known fact for you!) debut at WrestleMania 13 by SQUASHING Marlena "Terri" Reynolds with a bearhug, breaking six of Marlena's ribs, puncturing a lung and givng her a concussion! Someone then realizes it would be a good idea to teach Chyna how to work before letting her hit anyone else so she is sent to Triple H's uncle Killer Koala (who also trained such stars as Perry Sattellite and Sim Snuka!) who teaches her how to throw a forearm behind the referee's back and hit lowblows! These moves make Chyna the most popular woman in THE WORLD beating even Madonna and Princess Diana (before AND AFTER her death!) DX is formed so that Shawn Michaels and HHH can leech off of Chyna's heat!

1998 - The tv series Xena: Warrior Princess is created, based on Chyna's life story. Chyna beats Mark Henry at In Your House: Rock Bottom in a jumbo-sized vibrator on a pole match (oh Russo!) then sticks the vibrator where the sun don't shine (in his mouth)! Then sticks the pole up his ass!

1999 - Chyna carries Chris Jericho to the best matches of his career at Survivor Series and In Your House: VaChyna Envy. WCW sign a muscular woman and call her "Pacific Rim" to rival Chyna, but viewers notice how lame she is in comparison and WCW's ratings fall dramatically. Triple H notices that Stephanie McMahon's name has the sound "man" in it but she looks like a hot woman and also is filthy rich and the boss's daughter and gets her drunk in Las Vegas and marries her! Stephanie falls in love with him because none of her previous wrestling loves (we all know who I mean!) ever did that second part for her!

2000 - Chyna is depsuhed and jobs to Crash Holly in the shower (24/7 hardcore rules, baby!) To get back at Hunter, Chyna starts a real life affair with Eddie Guerrero (an upset Vickie Guerrero starts a real life affair with Rey Mysterio who fathers Dominic with her!) Eddie cheats on her with Victoria (back when she was still hot!) in a shower. Chyna gets her own back by appeaing in PlayBoy and looking sexier than ten Sable and eight Torrie Wilsons!

2001 - Chyna breaks her neck FOR REAL in a match with Ivory and is forced to retire from wrestling forever. Chyna sleeps with X-Pac to "get back at the world."

2002 onwards - Chyna becomes the world's biggest (I mean in terms of size, not success!) porn star in a series of movies titled: One Night In Chyna, Two Nights In Chyna, One Sack In X-Pac (guest starring Justin Credible's ballsack!), Chyna-ese DemocSEXY, Screama: Warrior Incest and The Complete And Utter Degradation Of Chyna As A Woman And A Human Being! Fortunately now that Chyna's a wrestler again she'll never have to do one of these movies again and her life be perfect forever!

In tragic newz, Layla's career may be over! Layla was the hardest (and hottest!) working woman in wrestling, competing over 300 times a year for the last six months! Doctors told her to slow down but Layla said "NO, DAMN IT, I HAVE TO GIVE THE FANS WHAT THEY WANT!" and refushed to lower her workrate. Sadly her (hot) body couldn't handle it anymore and she tore both her legs in two during her match with Michelle McCool but STILL finished the match and ended McCool's career becasue she cares about the fans THAT MUCH! Layla will undergo PIONEERING surgery that will let her walk and compete again, though I'm fearful that her doctor will be some kind of SEX PERVERT who just wants a chance to touch her legs while she's under during surgery! Layla being gone means there's a slot (or should I say SLUT!?) open as Hot Newz's number one Diva/Knockout...and perhaps only the combined hotness of the Bella Twins can fill that positon! In fact, yes, they're much hotter than Layla ever was now (it's that little dance they do during their entrace!) and I don't even miss Layla at all now!

Randy Macho Man Savage has died! Savage is remember as being one of the greatest in-ring performers and biggest personalities in wresting history. And also for his eccentric behaviour backstage! Such as when he became paranoid that other wrestlers were looking at Elizabeth and forced her to wear a potota sack (later STOLEN by Marc Mero who made Sable do the same...but in Sable's case it was an improvment!) at all times! Even then Hogan still kept looking at her potato sack ass and saying "brother" suggestively, so Savage had Liz locked in a packing crate whenever she was backstage! If anyone went near the crate Savage would hit them in the back of the head with a brick and say "OOOOH YEAH, STAY AWAY FROM MY PLEASUREBOX, DIG IT!" He was a funny guy! Sadly Savage and Vince McMahon had a falling out and Macho Man never made an appearance for WWE again. This was because after WCW shut down Savage decided to become a movie star. He instantly won a part playing himslef in the first Spider-Man movie (the one where Kirsten Dunst was still hot) and the directors were so impressed by his performance that they got him TEN AUDITIONS for TEN MOVIES and predicted he would be the biggest wrestling movie star ever! Seething with jealousy because Savage was set to become bigger than The Rock (who had only done Mummy 2 at this time and he was played by CGI for the whole movie because he coudln't act yet!), Vince McMahon had his lawyer Jeremy McDiggit BAN Randy Savage from using the name "Macho Man" in any of his movies because the WWE owned the name! This meant Savage had to be known as Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man and whenever he went for an audition afterwards and said "OOOOH YEAH, I'M THE MACO MAN, DIG IT!" the audition person would say "then how come your name was Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man? You're not the real Macho Man! You're a FAKE! JUST LIKE WRESTLING IS FAKE! WE DON'T WANT FAKES IN HOLLYWOOD, GET OUT!" and have security thrown him out! And one day Savage went nuts and gave all the security guards flying elbow drops and was kicked out of Hollywood for life! But in the end he became a RAP STAR so it all worked out for the best (until he died suddenly!) He will be missed.

Karma is pregnant! There is a lot of speculation as to who the father of the baby is. Some believe it is JIM ROSS! Even though JR said Karma is a fat tub of goo who will never make it as a Diva unlike such talented beauties as Tamina, that doesn't mean that he and Karma didn't have chemistry together and that they didn't have hot naked HATE SEX recently! Others think the father could be Hornswoggle because that would be funny! Yet others think it's David Otunga who was upset about Jennifer Hudson losing weight and wanted to sleep with a larger woman again! The truth is, that father of the baby is IN FACT...Karma's real life husband who has no involvement with wrestling! How's that for a scizzoop!

Ric Flair is on the run from the cops! It happened when Flair was payed FORTY DOLLARS to sign autographs but instead went off to have sex with the first girl in line (she ran away when he went to the bathroom so he just ended up masturwanking!) But that's not the reason he's on the run! Flair was taken to COURT and the judge asked him to pay the forty dollars, so he reached for his wallet, but found an old blade in it and instinctively bladed and bled all over his lawyer (a sexy female lawyer, of course!) The judge warned Flair he would hold him in contempt for this so Flair begged off in the corner, but when the baliff went near him, Flair poked him in the eye and climbed up to the top of the witness box. But no one knew to press slam Flair off, so he got confused and Flair Flopped to the floor! Flair then dropped his pants and jumped up spinning his cock around shouting "WOOO, NATURE BOY, I INVENTED THE HELICOPTER DICK IN 1976, WOOOO, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, SHUT UP FAT BOY, WOOOOO, TORRIE WILSON, I HAD HER, WOOO, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE, WOOOO!!" then jumepd out of a window and ran off! The police have been told to watch out for low blows and to no sell chops when apprehending him.

And now some TNA SPOILERZ! Someone slipped a BROWN ENVELOPE with the words "TNA SPOILERS!" written on it under my door and I opened it to find TNA spoilers inside! I can only conclude that Terry Taylor did it to get revenge on Russo for getting him fired! And also becasue there were naked pictures of Winter in the envelope too.

Hulk Hogan comes to the ring and says "you know what, dudes, I'm sick of not wrestling. Everyone knows that WRESTLING MATTERS! So even though every single doctor in the world, even some German doctors, have said I can't physically ever wrestle again...I'm making my in ring comeback TONIGHT against that PUNK CM Styles! And AJ, you jabroni, you roody poo, you'll never see it coming tonight, BROTHER!" then rips his shirt off to a face pop! And underneath he's wearing ANOTHER SHIRT which has "I love my fans" written on it which gets a face pop! Then Jeff Jarrett comes out and says "hang on HUCKSTER you can't fight AJ tonight, I have the main event booked as a FIRE MATCH between myself and Kurt Angle where the ring is on FIRE, we can't have both matches!" and Hogan says "no, you're right, BROTHER, the fire match will take place on PPV DUDE, because it's too good for tv, NOW GET OUT OF MY RING, BROTHER!" and does a crotch chop to a face pop! Then Mick Foley comes out and says "and the network has made ME the guest referee and I promise on my honor and on my respect for my fans that I will call it right down the middle, bang bang!"

Beer Money versus Chris Harris and Matt Hardy - Just as the match is about to start, Matt Hardy hits Harris in the back of the head with his boot! Then he says "you know what, I'm sick of teaming up with you Chris Harris, you suck, you're even fatter that me, I can't believe this company rehired you, I hate you!" while Beer Money just shrug and drink beer and count money. Then Matt says "and now my new tag partner, JEFF..." but his mic cuts out! Then Matt looks ANGRY and runs backstage! Then Beer Money give Chris Harris a Doomsday Device just for a laugh or something.

Mickie James versus Winter with Angelina Love as guest referee - Winter explains that "I went to Mick Foley before this match and asked him to let Angelina be the guest referee. He said no at first, but then I said I'd hug him and say he's a good hugger if he let Angelina be the ref and he agreed! But guess what? HE'S NOT A GOOD HUGGER AT ALL, TEE HEE TEE HEE!" Anyway Angelina is of course being fed drugs in her food by Angelina to turn her into a lesbian or something so she's a biased referee in favour of Angelina until Mickie says "you know what, if you're a lesbian now, you should be with me instead of Winter, because she's weird looking and English, but I'm kind of hot and BISEXUAL, just ask Trish!!" and kisses Angelina! Then Angelina looks confused and opens her mouth speak (or give Mickie the tongue!?) but Winter quickly throws drugs into her open mouth! So Angelina is back under Winter's control until VELVET SKY runs out with GOOD DRUGS that she got from a PROPER DOCTOR (Stevie Richards!) and she DDTs Angelina onto the good drugs so that they end up right in her mouth! Then Velvet and Angelina give Winter a Doomsday Device (from the second rope) and Mickie gets da pin.

Scott Steiner comes out to the ring and says "YOU KNOW WHAT? Mexico America? I'M SICK OF YOUR ASSES! You claim to be Mexican Americans, but I'm a real America and YOU are just Mexico-ians! You ain't not no America or nuthin'! You can either love or leave America or stay here and be no good Meixcan punks who SHOULD leave before I Stienerlise your asses and faces! So why don't you bring your lazy, no good, donkey-riding, taco-eating, hat-humping Amexican asses out here so that I can kick your asses back across the border! But first I'll kick your teeth down your throats, so that your teeth or in your asses, so that when I kick your asses your teeth will fly back up into your mouths, but now they'll be covered in shit and you'll be tasting your own shit as you go flying across the border courtesy of my boot which has just booted yoru asses over the border, as expressed in my previous utterance!" Then ABYSS walks out and chokeslams Steiner and says "Santa Claus is coming to town!" What does this mean? We don't know yet! We'll think of something before Christmas!

Mexican America come out with a MEXICAN BAND playing MEXICAN INTRUMENTS and say "hahah, let's have a PARTAY, HOLMES, to celebrate America SUCKING, esse!" and start dancing! But then two of the Mexican band members throw off their sombreros to reveal INK INC and they hit all the members of Mexican America (yes, even the mildly hot girls) with LOADED TACOS. Then Ink Inc tattoo all the unconscious mexicans with tattoos of AMERICAN SERVICEMEN AND WOMEN to make them respect america!

Next up, there's lots of mud around the ring and Bully Ray comes out with some pigs! Bully says "I never mentioned it before but I grew up on a farm! And I've been friends with pigs ever since, because I respect them more than YOU STINKING FANS! And these are very special trained pigs! I trained them to EAT poeple! They'll eat the loser of a wrestling match! After the three count, there's no stopping them! So RVD, you STONED MONKEY, come out here now and fight me and lose and be eaten by my pigs! OINK OINK!" Then D-VON jumps out from under the mud and hits Ray with a collection box (insider reference to his reverand D-Von character and a hint that Batista is on his way to TNA...if we can sign him...which we almost certainly can't)! RVD comes out and just pins Bully right away and the pigs listen to the ref count three then start to EAT Bully Ray but RVD says "hey, stop there, piggies!" and the pigs stop. "Why have Bully Ray eaten by pigs now after a pig match on tv, when we can have him eaten by a whole load of anmals after a BARNYARD BRAWL LIVE ON PAY PER VIEW!" and points to himself and walks off! Then SoCal Val escorts the pigs backstage.

Mister Anderson comes out and says "you know, Sting is and OLD BASTARD who can hardly move and my match with him on pay per view will SUCK becasue he's so old and can't work and does too many Irish whips, and I have decided to show you stinking assholes a preview of how much that match will suck and how much money you'll be wasting on Sunday, by wrestling DANIELS here tonight! He's almost as old as Sting!" Then Daniels comes out but before the match begins Anderson says "hold on, you're an OLD FOSSIL Daniels, so that means you're eyesight is going, like all old people!" and sprays PEPPER SPRAY in Daniels' eyes, blinding him! Kennedy keeps pulling stupid faces as Daniels staggers around blind until STING comes out and says "Anderson, even if I was blind like Daniels is, I could still beat you!" and puts on a blindfold to prove it! But Anderson pushes Daniels at Sting and Stings thinks it's Anderson and gives him a scorpion death drop! Then Anderson says "GUESS WHAT STING, ON SUNDAY, DANIELS WILL BE THE GUEST REFEREE!" and Sting says "oh shit!"

Backstage Kurt Angle is sitting behind a desk for some reason when KAREN ANGEL barges in and says "hey Kurt, I STILL HATE YOU, what are you doing, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, you better not be with Chyna, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T CARE AND WON'T LEAVE JEFF FOR YOU, I'm just wondering that's all, I'D NEVER TURN ON JEFF WITH A LOWBLOW TONIGHT IN YOUR FIRE MATCH, so what's up?" Kurt says "woooo, I'm just thinking about what to have for dinner, I'm thinking of EATING OUT tonight, maybe OUT EATING some CHINESE FOOD!" Then Karen SLAPS Kurt and says "YOU BETTER NOT BE TALKING ABOUT ORALLY PLEASURING CHYNA, not that I care because we're not secretly back together!" And Kurt says "I'm not orally pleasuring Chyna!" and Karen says "GOOD I MEAN BAD" and storms out. Then CHYNA comes out from under the desk where she's been sucking off Kurt (of course, that's the only reason to ever have a desk in wrestling!) and says "hey, is she going to turn on Jeff tonight and get back with you?" and Angle says "yeah, it's pretty obvious!" and Chyna just shrugs and goes back under the desk.

Eric Young comes out to the ring dressed as Duke "The Dumpster" Droese (I'm sure all fans will get this reference!) and sadly says "the chickens are all dead", salutes, then walks backstage again right away. This is the beginning of an ongoing storyline which could somehow link in with the Abyss story somehow!

Now it's time for Hulk Hogan's match with AJ Styles with Mick Foley as guest referee! As soon as the bell rings, Mick punches AJ in the back of the head knocking him out (he was supposed to do a double arm DDT but he's too fat!) Then Hogan smiles and hugs Mick (how can he get his arms all the way round!?) and covers AJ with one foot (Hogan can't bend over!) and Foley counts the three (with his fingers, he can't bend over!) Then Hogan says "hahaha, BROTHERS!" then Mick says "you STINKING FANS you didn't buy my last book, I should read the Tori Amos chapter to you RIGHT NOW to teach you a lesson, but the Hulkster has promised to finance and publish my fifth book which will detail this very angle you're watching right now, bang bang!" Then Jeff Jarrett runs out with three guitars and say "Hulkster, you usually play air guitar...but tonight THE BAND are going to play REAL GUITARS!" and Hogan, Foley and Jarrett play guitars for ten minutes! Then Foley says "oh yeah, the network has said that you, Jeff Jarrett, will wrestle Kurt Angle in a no DQ match RIGHT NOW!" and Jarrett's jaw drops in shock!

Then Jarrett is waiting in the ring when a FIREMAN comes out and says "I'm here to set the ring on fire for the fire match!" and Jeff says "whoah there, slapnuts, this is a no dq match now!" and the fireman says "oh yeah? Then I guess this is NICE AND LEGAL!" and hits Jarrett with a fire extinguisher and it's Kurt Angle! Then Kurt just beats Jarrett in the head repeatedly with the fire extinguisher for five minutes until he's bleeding all over the place until finally Karen Angle runs out! Then Karen begs Kurt to stop and he does and Karen helps Jeff up (he's still alive, don't worry!)...and gives him a LOWBLOW! Then Kurt and Karen MAKE OUT with tongues and fondling! But then when Kurt turns his back, Karen gives HIM a lowblow! Then Jarrett pops up and wipes the blood away and says "ha, I was wearing a CUP, me and Karen set this up, she FAKED that orgasm you gave her last night!" But then KURT pops up too and reveals HE was wearing a cup and says "Haha, guess what, I KNEW, I fake MY orgasm too!" then CHYNA comes out from under the ring and gives Jeff a lowblow and Kurt rubs the cup in Karen's face! Then Kurt sprays the fire extinguisher in his mouth to celebrate and says "tastes like milk!"

Until next time, say your prayers, follow me on twitter and drink your milk!

SIN CARA ASKED BY WWE IF HE COULD WORK WITH ANYONE IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD IT BE AND HE REPLIES "A REALLY GOOD EDITOR"? THAT BLOND GIRL FROM TOUGH ENOUGH WHO WAS PRETTY HOT TO JOIN ROH? GREAT KHALI TO START WRESTLING IN SHORTS TO SCARE HIS OPPONENTS? VINCE MCMAHON KEEPS SHOWING UP AT RAW, DELETING ZACH RYDER'S MATCHES FROM THE SHOW, THEN JUST LEAVING AGAIN, SMILING TO HIMSELF THAT HE'S GOT ONE OVER ON THE INTERNET LOSERS? DH SMITH TO DEBUT NEW RODEO CLOWN GIMMICK AT SUMMERSLAM? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LITA WHICH ARE ACTUALLY JUST MATT HARDY IN A LITA WIG AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE

Wrestlemania

List of things more important than Daniel Bryan and Shameus: The Rock walking to the ring really slowly, The Rock running through his catchphrases, Edge and Christian smashing up a car a bit, Snoop, Hornswoggle breaking character and speaking English, Eve Torres wearing a dress, Mae Young, Pee Wee Herman, Drew Carey, Orton/Punk video package, Austin drinking beer, Lawler pretending to drink beer, Booker doing the Spinaroonie, Austin stunning Booker for no reason, Austin stunning Josh Matthews for no reason, video of Fan Axxess, adverts for Tough Enough, Snooki, Triple H getting two full entrances, Undertaker selling, Miz music video, religious Cena video, choir singing, Rock burying Miz.

Wrestlemania 27

I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania is JUST arround teh cornar! This year is ALL ABOUT The Rock who of course has amazingly returned to the WWE FULL TIME (well, he's back FULL TIME during the shows that he's actually on. The rest of the time he's still in Hollywood) to make Cena look even more shit than we all thought possible! Cena looks so bad compared to The Rock that viewers will be carving their eyes out if they have to keep watching Cena after WrestleMania! And also Triple will fight The Undertaker because niether of them have anything better to do and neither of them will even wrestle in the run up to WrestleMania because they'be both literally said that no one else is good enough to belong in the ring with them and there isn't even a proper storyline for the match, they both just come out every week and literally say "we're going to wrestle at WrestleMania AND IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MATCH ON THE CARD!" and that's it. It will be a great show for getting new talent over!

Jeff Hardy has gone crazy on TNA ppv! Hundreds of people have been tweeting me (Follow me on twitter!) asking if this was a work, a shoot, a worked shoot, a shot work or a whoot! The truth is a mixture of all six! The original plan was a plain, straightforward everyday worked shoot written by Russo but plans changed when Jeff ate some Wooden Cheese pills and got high (I used to eat them at parties, they merked my melon up, man!) Luckily Russo got drunk (ON THE LORD!?) and posted teh original booking sheet on his facebook for 17 seconds before Dixie made him erase it (they were in bed together at the time, that's how he keeps his job!) and I manged to copy and paste it before it was gone!

"Okay you mooks, listen up, I'll say this only once. Or, more accurately, type it only once. I've come up with an angle so confusing, so illogical, that no one, probaby not even the people involved, will be able to tell if it's real or not! It starts with Jeff Hardy's music playin' for the main event and he comes out WALKING BACKWARDS! That's the first mindfuck right there. Jeff says "hey, the reason I'm walking backwards from your point of view is because time is flowing backwards for me and I just came from the future where my match with Sting has already happened and I WON so there's no reason to have this match tonight, bye!" and starts to walk away (backwards) when STING runs out to no music in street clothes (why isn't he dressed for the match? Just one of the mysteries that'll get the internet smarks talking!) and beats up Jeff with a baseball bat until he's just a bloodstain on the mat! Sting goes for the cover but the referee looks at him close and says "that's not Jeff!" and then the REAL Jeff comes out from under the ring smoking a blunt and blows smoke in Sting's eyes and he's BLINDED and Jeff hits him with a PINK baseball bat! Mike Tenay instantly says "THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SHANNON MOORE DISGUISED AS JEFF THE FIRST TIME" to explain what happened to any of the slower viewers! Jeff goes up for the Swanton but then he SLIPS and falls to the floor and the referee does an "X" right directly into the camera so that the mooks thinks it's a work, but then he does a "Y" to the camera for half a second to confuse everyone! Then Sting hops out to the floor and hurts his ankle jumping out and both men are counted out and Tenay says "WHAT WAS THAT!!!" This will really confuse those mook marks and get them talking on the internets!"

While that would have been RUSSO'S BEST ANGLE IN FOURTEEN YEARS, unfortuantely Jeff ruined it by getting high FOR REAL on Purple Waterfall pills (I ate one to impress a girl once, I ended up wearing my shoes on my hands! Still got laid!) and Sting had to SHOOT SHOOT on him with a Shoot Scropion Deathdrop (which is a real shoot MMA move in Japan where Rikodizan once beat Kenta Misawa with one in the notorious Big Egg shoot!) and a shoot pin for the win!

GLAAD (which stands for Gays and Lesbians Are A-okay, Doodz!) have stopped John Cena from saying anything homophobic! They did this be cunningly releasing a statment reading "Hmm, John Cena seems to have a problem with gay people. Could it be because HE is, in fact, SECRETLY GAY himself?!" Cena responded on Twitter by saying "damn it, now I can't make fun of gays without everyone thinking I'm gay myself WHICH I'M NOT, thanks a lot GLAAD you homos!" which he deleted eight seconds later but I saw it! Cena now only has poop based insults left in his arsenal...until some Pro Poop group goes after him that is! WWE will get revenge on GLAAD for forcing them to enter the 21st century by bringing back The Right To Censor but they'll be called Glad To Censor and wear RAINBOW TIES and their members will be Patt Pattersson, The Brooklyn Brawler, Awesmazing Kong and Evan Bourne (come on, we all suspected it)!

Finlay has been released! Finlay (68) was fired after a house show where he booked Miz to urinate on the american flag for cheap heat! In actual fact it was a CANADIAN flag just painted to look like an american flag and Miz's urine would wash the paint away revealing a canadian flag and Miz would say "haha, I made you care about Canada!" But some IDIOT bought urine proof paint and it wouldn't wash off! Unfortunately for Finlay, the entire National Guard were at this house show and were disgraced by this urinating on an apparent american flag (they would have been fine if it was canadian, of course!) and told their representative Sargent Slaughter to have Finlay deported back to Ireland to eat potatoes! He will never be seen again.

Speaking of releases, WWE plans to fire lots of jobbers and less attractive Divas after WrestleMania! This means 90 days later a new group named PAST ENDEAVOURS (it's a pun!) will invade TNA! They will consist of Tyler Rex, Chris Masters, Primo, Zach Ryder (sorry internet, he's gone!), Kurt Hawkins, Rosa Mendes, Beht Phoenix, Tyson Kid, DH Smith, That Fat Guy From NXT, That Bland Guy From NXT (which one!?) and their leader R Truth! They will DOMINATE TNA...for one week until they all start in-fighting and turning on each other! So there will be a "reverse pink slip battle royal" match where the first one to get into the ring and grab the pinkslip gets to fire everyone else (for real, since Dixie will have lost millions on Jeff Hardy's legal fees by this point!) ERIC YOUNG who was fired the week before will win, dressed as Papa Shango.

The reason why Melina doesn't have papz photographing her on the way to the ring anymore is that the magazines stopped buying the photos!

Book reviews!

Chris Jericho's Undisputed - If you read "A Lion's Tail" and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a good book, but it would be EVEN BETTER if he skipped over much of the wrestling stuff and covered some of his greatest matches in barely any detail, BUT went into an insane amount of detail about his music and failed acting career since that's what wrestling fans are really interested in and of course if he cut the book off right before his WWE comeback in 2007 even though he could have easily written about it!" then this is the book for you! Apparently Jesus help him write it, which explains what happened to Carlito's old bodyguard I suppose!

Mick Foley's Countdown To Lockdown - If you read The Hardcore Diaries and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a pretty bad and pointless book and downright creepy in the chapters about Melina. The only way it could be worse is if Foley writes a sequel which is nothing more than a series of first draft blog posts about a TNA match everyone forgot five minutes after it happened with transcripts of TNA promos that nobody cared about at the time and will care less even less about now and no attempt at all to explain Russo's completely non-sensical booking, mixed in with some ranmbling pointless chapters about meeting famous people and getting a boner watching a woman's breasts on a tv show and worst of all a chapter about steriods that appears to end by saying "maybe steriods aren't so bad even though many heavy steriod users in wrestling have died before the age of 40, bang bang!" and no real details at all in the only potentially interesting chapter about him leaving WWE after Vince shouted down his headset" then this it the toilet paper for you!

MMMMMMGoldust by Dustin Rhunnels - Terrible! Sure he talks about his boring crack addiction (who hasn't been addicted to crack at once point in their life!) but he completely skips the real life gay sex affair he had with Marc Mero in 1998 when they both realised Terri and Sable were too good for them!

Big Vis: A Big Heart - Amazing book! Packed full of sexy stories about the many Dvias Vis slept with and the food they used during their love making! Also has many crazy tales of Mo (that guy was a loose cannon!) and Oscar (he was pretty boring, really) from Men On A Mission! Nine hundred pages long but I read it in one day it was so good, a must read for all wrestling fans!

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday! On paper it looks like a pretty average show until you remember that THE ROCK is hosting it which means it'll be THE BEST SHOW EVER even better than those WrestleManias THe Rock actually wrestled on!

Since Jerry Lawyer and Michale Cole have a match and Jim Ross is still ugly, the announcers for the show will be Josh Matthews, Booker T, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Kelly Kelly!

Randy Orton versus CM Punk - Orton just utterly destroys Punk for five minutes then says "you know what Punk, there's SOMEBODY ELSE who wants revenge on you too!" and you see his HOT FAKE WIFE driving down the aisle in the tour bus (for safety reasons she has to drive really slowly so it takes her five minutes to get there during which Punk doesn't move an inch!) Then hot wife says "you know what? I like REAL MEN!" and runs at Orton like she's going to kick him in the balls, but then she SWERVES at the last minute and punts Punk in the head! "That's why I married you, the real man Randy Orton!" she adds. Punk is then drafted to Smackdown where he turns faces and feuds with Drew McIntyre over Kelly Kelly's love! And Orton's wife wins the Diva's title the next night on RAW.

Shameus versus Daniel Bryan - Due to time restraints (need more time for Triple H and Undertaker interviews, videos, entrances!) the match only lasts four minutes and it's just Shameus beating up Bryan and Bryan cowering and covering up in the corner before he gets the fluke win with a small package! And Bryan's new gimmick is that he's a coward who can only win with small packages because Vince finally watched one of his matches and thought it was unrealistic someone so short was hitting moves like dropkicks and upppercuts! And Bryan will started wearing glases and reading books on the way to the ring to make him look more nerdier.

The CorrE versus Big Show, Kane, Santino and Koslaugh - Before the match Kofi Kingstone comes down to the ring and says "hey mon, I taught I was in dis match mon!" and everyone looks at him in disgust then Santino gives him The Cobra and knocks him out and Kofi's carried away on a stretcher while a piped in "NA NA NA GOODBYE" song plays and he's Future Endeavoured~!~! the next day! Then Big Show destroys all of the Corre without tagging in any of his partners with his new finisher THE BUTTERFLY SUPLEX then destroys all his partners too to get him ready for his big main event push that'll probably last a month!

Rey Mysterio versus Cody Rhodes - Due to time restraints (need more time for all the old people to come out and wave in slow motion for the Hall Of Fame yawnfest!) the match only lasts two minutes! And Vince has instructed Cody to ONLY use headbutts to get his gimmick over so he just headbutts every part of Rey's body until he's finally read to headbutt Rey's head, but when he does his facemask SHATTERS and it's revealed Rey is wearing a METAL MASK! Rey then exposes a knee brace with a big spike sticking out of it and hits a 619 that takes out one of Cody's eyes! Rey then spits on Cody and says "NOT SO DASHING NOW" and then gives a 619 to Dusty who is frantically checking on his son and there's blood everywhere and Rey laughs and writes "DEATH" on his chest with the blood! Rey then pushes over some kids who try to slap his hand and says "I NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT EDDIE!" This could potentially turn him heel!

John Morrison, Trash Stratus and Snoopy versus Dolph Ziggler, Michelle McCool and Queen Layla - I know how this match SHOULD go! It SHOULD see Layla layout Michelle, Snooki and Vickie with the LayOut then take down that leather-skinned, fake-tanned, forty year old, no-implants having FAKE Trish with the Diamond Dust~!~!~!~! Then Morrison and Ziggler have a match to decide who gets to date Layla and they both collapse with exhaustion after twenty minutes and Layla says "I'll just snog with WILLIAM REGAL instead! Oh and by the way Kate Middleton your Royal Wedding is a sham because Prince William was mine before he was yours!" and does a Layla crotch chop!

Jerry "The King" Oliver versus Michael Cole - Austin will stun Jack Swagger right at the start and Swagger will roll under the ring and never be seen again! Lawler will charge at Cole and be surprised when Cole LEAPFROGS him! Lawler will charge again and once more fall victim to the LEAPFROG! Lawler will then look worried because he wasn't expecting Cole to know such technical wrestling moves! Then Grandmasta Sexay and Scotty Too Hotty come out holding hands! And GMS looks at Jerry like he's going to attack him but then they attacked Cole! And Grandmasta says "thanks for accepting our relationship and agreeing to marry us tomorrow night on RAW, pops!" (this is part of the GLAAD agreement!) Then Scotty will give Lawler THE WORM and Grandmasta says "hey, I thought I was the only one who got to see your worm in action and by that I mean your penis HAHA!" Then Lawler smiles and says "I love you, son, even if you are a fruit...cake!" which isn't in the script and will get Lawler sent to Gay Bootcamp by GLAAD right after the show! Then Rikisihi comes out and gives Cole a stinkface! Then X-Pac comes out and gives Cole a Bronco Buster! Then "here comes the money!" plays and SHANE O MAC IS BACK (he couldn't get a job anywhere else!) and he gives Cole the Van Shane-inator and says "POP POP!"! Then "I'm all grown up now and I've listened and read" plays and Stephanie comes out and gives Cole a pedigree! Then Hornswoggle comes out and gives Cole a Tadpole Splash (wearing a black armband for Finlay.) Then A MAN IN A MASK WHO LOOKS LIKE FINALY IN A MASK comes out and hits Cole with a Shillelagh! Then Stacy "The Kat" Carter comes out and gives Cole a weak stomp to the ribs! Kat then says "Sorry for cheating on you with The Dupps, Jerry!" and Jerry says "I'm surprised you remember The Dupps" and Kat says "yeah, I guess they weren't very meorable wrestlers" and Jerry says "no, I mean I'm surprised you remember sleeping with them after the thousands of DISEASED COCKS you've had inside you over the years!" and gives her a piledriver on a steel chair (strangely no one complains about this part!) because WrestleMania isn't PG! Then Booker T comes into the ring and gives Cole a Spinaroonie! Then JIM ROSS walks out but he falls going up the steps and lies in agony on the floor saying "OWW, GOSH DARN IT TO HECK, I CAN'T EVEN WALK UP STEPS NO MORE, MAYBE I AIN'T CUT OUT TO BE AN ANNOUNCER AFTER ALL!" (JR only agreed to do and say this because Vince promised that he'd give JR his job back the next night on RAW if he did. Deep down inside, JR knew that Vince was obviously lying but went ahead with it anyway in the vain hope that Vince was telling the truth!) Then finally Lawler pins Cole after a fistdrop holding a ROLL OF DIMES in his fist! But then Vince McMahon comes out and says "by the way this match was NON SANCTIONED and therefore you still haven't had a match on a WrestleMania, HAHA, PAL!" and spits on him and the GLAD TO CENSOR drag Lawler away before he can fight back! This sets up Lawler/McMahon at WM28 in his REAL first WM match!

Edge versus Roberto Del Rio - The referee is bumped by Big Brutus Clay and then Christian gets in the ring with a chair and Edge says "you know what to do!" and Christian says "yes I do....DEAR BROTHER!!!!" and hits EDGE with the chair! Then Christian laughs evily! But then Edge pops right up and gives Christian the Running Hug! Edge grabs da mike and says "you fool, I KNEW you were going to turn heel on me by hitting me with a steel chair, that's why I replaced all the steel chairs with RUBBER CHAIRS!" Then Edge hits the Running Hug on Del Rio for the win! This is because management has lost faith in DelRio for no reason and he'll spend the next six months jobbing to Sin Cara (don't worry, management will have lost faith in Sin Cara by the end of the year and he'll be teaming with Yoshi Tatus as Team Mexipan and jobbing to the UFOs (the repackages Usos who come to the ring in a flying saucer!)!)!

The Undertaker versus Triple HHH - Undertaker starts things off by hitting his WRESTLEMANIA DIVE before Undertaker can even get in the ring but using INVISIBLE WIRES (watch out for them!) so that he doesn't die! They slow things down by hitting their finisher moves ten times each and kicking out. Then Shawn Michaels comes sliding down to the ring and HHH says "did you find them?" and Shawn says "yes BUT I WANT NO PART OF THIS" and just slides back up the aisle! And then THE DX THEME plays and Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, X-Pac (again!), Chyna, DX Tori and Jim Neidhart (he was an official member!) all run out and attack The Undertaker! But Undertaker just easily fights them off because they all suck! BUT THEN the DX theme plays again and KANE comes out wearing the DX GREEN AND BLACK at last and with green pyro, just as I reported he would in 1998! Then Kane looks at The Undertaker and smiles...THEN CHOKESLAMS TRIPLE H! No one saw it coming! Then Undertaker gets teh pin and says "Kane never really tried to kill me last year, it was all a set up to screw over DX!" and does an Undertaker crotch chop (which is similar to a Layla crotch chop!?) Undertaker and Kane then date LayCool for a year until Triple H just randomly shows up on the RAW before WrestleMania 28 and says "Undertaker. Me. You. WrestleMania."

John Cena versus The Miz - Miz wins with the Skull Crushing Finale after five minutes when The Rock spits water in Cena's eyes. Seriously. That's the finish. This isn't even a joke. I'm not making it up. This is literally what will happen at WrestleMania. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Real Main Event - Then Cena says "Okay, Rock, let's do it, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!!!!" and Rock says "JUST BRING IT, DUDE!" and Cena says "I AM BRINGING IT!" and Rock says "BUT YOU AIN'T NO SINGING IT!" then they sing "Smackdown Hotel for five minutes!" But then finally they're about to fight FOR REAL when Rikishi (again!) comes out! Rikishi says "hold on a minute, fellas! I've got a lot in common with both of you! Cena, you and I both love hip hop. And Rock, I ran over Austin for you. So there's a connection between the three of us. And that's why I'm here to tell you two not to fight! Let's just GET DOWN instead!" Then Rock and Cena looked at each other and nod and then BEAT UP RIKISHI with a simultanious People's Elbow and Five Nuffle Shuffle (he'll be dead!) Then Rock says "you know what, Cena, beating the shit out of Rikish was fun, but there's still an issue between us that can only be settled in one way...with us going ONE ON ONE...in my new movie, Spy Versus Spy, co-starring you!" then Cena says "Rock...it would be an honor!" and they pose! And Rock never wrestles again which is just as well since he's punches on RAW looked shit!

Of all the WrestleMania's this will be the 27th of them!

Back never with more Not Hewz!

LAYLA TO COUNTER THE MATRISH MOVE BY TICKLING TRISH'S CLIT? ENGLAND DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET LAYLA DEPORTED BACK TO THEIR STUPID COUNTRY BECAUSE THEY NEED HER BACK FOR TOURISM? LAYKELLY VERSUS MCMELINA NOW SET FOR WRESTLEMANIA 28? LAYLA AND BATISTA HAD SECRET CHILD WHO WILL DEBUT WITH WWE IN 2025 AS BATISTEL AND DOMINATE LIKE NEVER BEFORE? LAYLA MORE INTERESTING AND MORE TALENTED THAN ENTIRE TNA ROSTER, YES INCLUDING AJ STYLES, HE'S NOT THAT GOOD REALLY, THE SPINAL TAP NEVER EVEN HITS HIS OPPONENT? MATT HARDY HARRASSING LAYLA WITH "JOKE" TWEETS ABOUT MASTURWANKING OVER HER, LAYLA REPLIES THAT SHE PREFERS IT WHEN EDGE MASTURWANKS OVER HER? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LAYLA FROM WHEN SHE WAS A PAGE 3 GIRL IN ENGLAND WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

ROYAL RUMBLE

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