Bill Demott is a big bully! Even worse than Big Bully Buswick (fun fact: he once popped a young Daniel Bryan's ballon!) and Laura "The Brawler" Oliver the nasty bully who used to beat me up in school (I got revenge by LIVING WELL...and pushing her younger sister off the swings one time!)! It has been alleged that he used to show up for training NAKED and say "if you want me to put some clothes on you can do it BY FORCE!" and then when someone came near him with clothes he'd shoot them with a taser then put them in a boston crab! Still naked! He would call male trainees gay and then tell them to "prove" they aren't gay by making out with him for ten minutes and not getting a hard on! He would pour petrol all over the ring and set fire to it then bodyslam trainees on the fire and say it was training for inferno matches! Worst of all he'd even sometimes force trainees to watch Hugh Morrus matches and if they didn't describe his moonsault as "graceful" he'd break their legs! And sometimes he even SPAT on the floor of the training center! Demott denies all these allegations but has bravely stood down before anyone sues his pants off (but he's already not wearing any pants and if you try to put them on him he'll tase you! He's a messed up guy!)
WWE is taking the #givedivasachance hashtag very seriously! Stephanie will come out on the first RAW after WrestleMania and say "we are taking that hashtag very seriously! however it's not fair to just give Divas a chance and not OTHER minorities too so that's why we're going to give MINIS a chance!" Then the return of MAX MINI as he runs down to the ring and Stephanie gives him a big hug and he motorboats her! But the Divas WON'T be happy about this because they think women are better than midgets! This will eventually lead to a one on one match between Paigie and Max Mini to settle once and for all who is better! The match will be slightly disappointing as Paige is slightly overrated in the ring and relies on that kick to the chest she does too much but no one wants to say it because she's hot! Max Mini will win for REALISM with the Minicanrana and then hug Paige and then reveal the real reason he did all this is because he liks hugging women and burying his mini head between their breasts! Then he'll never be mentioned again and the Divas will go back to have two minute matches.
Samoan Joe is headed for WWE! There is a lot of speculation that Joe is too fat and lazy and old to make it in the WWE and that he'll be treated as a jobber and that speculation is TRUE! Joe will be brought in by Santino Marella who is now a heel MMA business man (his new name is Santino MMArella!) and he says "put all my competition in armlocks to make the big bucks!" and Joe will put Ryback in an armlock while Santino rubs bucks together outside the ring but then Ryback powers out and wins and say "I guess that proves that wrestling is better than MMA...PHIL!" Then Joe is repacked on NXT under a pretty mask as Tyler Breeze's bodyguard but the fans know who he is and chant "Joe's going to turn on you!" during every Tyler match for six months waiting for him to turn on Tyler! Then he takes a training job and is never seen again.
TNA still sucks!
WrestleMania is THIS Sunday! I have all the spoilers and even better an exclusive preview of the ANTICS I'll get up to in the crowd!
Pre Show: Team Swiss Cat vs The Usos vs New Day vs Los Matadors - Cesaro and Kid debut their new team name of Swiss Cat because they can't rip off the Bullet Club anymore for legal reasons and Tyson has his cat taped to his shoulder as he walks to the ring! Since one of the Usos is injured (who cares which one) he says before the match "hold up a minute in the hizzle! I'm injured so it's time for a replacement for my ass...MY FATHER'S ASS!" and Rikishi backs his ass up all the way to the ring! Late in the match Rikishi goes for a Stinkface on Cesaro and Cesaro tries to counter with a European upepercut but this arm gets STUCK between Rikishi's cheeks and Cole says "a WrestleMania moment already and it's only the pre show!" New Day win by rolling up Cesaro while he's trying to get the stink off his arm and then Big E says "thank you JESUS for being our SAVIOUR and enabling our WIN!" and this is part of a controversial new angle that will split opinion where New Day will start overtly referencing Jesus all the time and they'll feud with Mizdow and Fandango who are INTELLIGENT ATHEISTS who are faces in Canada (a Godless country!) but heels everywhere else!
Andre The Memorial Giant Battle Royal - Even though Hideo Itami won the tournament to be the NXT guy in the match he's not the only NXT guy in the match! BARON CORBIN makes his main roster debut as Vince noticed how tall he is! His new gimmick is that he talks out of his BELLY FLAP like Jerry's girlfriend in that one episode of Seinfeld! And the mouth in his belly flap says "I'm the BARON of the MANOR! La la la!" And also KEVIN OWENS is the final entry in the match and he says "I have come to WrestleMania to FIGHT OWENS FIGHT!" and charges to the ring...and is double clotheslined out by Kane and Big Show in one second (Vince was still furious at them for fucking up with Titus O'Neil at Royal Rumble so made them redo it here!) Then Cole stands up on the announce table and says "HAHAHAHA, YOU FAT GOOF, GO BACK TO THE MINOR LEAGUES OF NXT AND LOSE SOME WEIGHT, YOU'RE NOT READY YET, PAL!" But this is actually CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT as Owens will make his main roster debut ONE YEAR LATER in the next Andre the Memorial Giant Battle Royal where he will last A FULL FIVE MINUTES (he won't win, obviously!) to prove he's tough and Cole will congratulate him and muss up his hair! It comes down to Miz and Mizdow against Kane and Big Show and Miz is eliminated and ORDERS Mizdow to eliminate himself but Mizdow starts SHAKING and says "OOOOOH HELL NO!" and rips his beard off (which is strang since Miz doesn't have a beard and this actually makes him look more like Miz!) and says "I'M NOT MIZDOW ANYMORE!" as the fans go crazy! Then he turns round into a Big Show knockout punch and is eliminated. Kane and Big Show decide to SHARE the trophy and they pull it in half and HORNSWOGGLE jumps out of the trophy and says "I was sleeping there!" to send the fans home happy!
Now it's finally time for WrestleMania and PHARREL WILLIAMS comes out to sing America The Greatiful because he needs the money after Marvin Gaye cleaned him out! When he finishes he says "hey, is everyone HAPPY to be here at WrestleMania?" and while everyone is thinking what their answer is I QUICKLY shout out "No, I'd rather be at NEW JAPAN~!" to get some free advertising for New Japan in there while everyone else is silent which is one of the advantages of having spoilers!
Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins - They have a wrestling match (boring!) until JOHN STEWART comes out with a PHONE and says "hey, Seth, I found some pictures on your phone and I'm going to put them on the Titan Tron by pressing a button as that is a feature all phones have" and Seth says "NOOOOOOOOOO!" and Orton gives him an RKO FROM OUT OF NOWHERE (actually just a normal RKO but Cole is forcing the meme!) for the win! And then the pictures appear on the Titan Tron and they're just pics of Seth putting sunglasses on his cat! Then Orton says "you know what, Seth? As the APEX PREDATOR I'm going to make sure you don't ruin the main event tonight by cashing in your Money In The Bank!" And he opens the Money In The Bank briefcase and closes it on Seth's head somehow then gives Seth a punt with his head in the briefcase!
Backstage we see loads of nerds typing on laptops (Cole mumbles something about them being "contest winners" to explain it!) and DANIEL BRYAN walks by and says "hey fellow Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts! You guys blogging about how cool I am? ICE COOL!" and the nerds say "no, we're blogging about how you've lost your cool and become a catchphrase spouting loser! We prefer real cool people like Roman Reigns and his more attractive beard now!" This is part of an attempt to get even nerds to turn on Bryan and it will culminate in Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory (THE GREATEST TV SHOW SINCE FRASIER) appearing on RAW and saying "even I'm cooler than you, turd! Bazinga!" and giving Bryan a Stone Cold Stunner!
IC title ladder match with Bad Newz Barrett, Daniel Bryan, R Truth, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, Luke Harper, Stadust and I think that's everyone but I'm not going to look it up - Everyone attacks Daniel Brya right away (because they hate him!) and gives him a six way powerbomb through three tables (that's two men a table!) to take him out of the match! This is to stop the fans from RUINING the match by cheering for him as of course there's no way fans would cheer Daniel Bryan when he's not actually in a match! After lots of people fall off ladder Barrett finally climbs a ladder without falling and is about to ring when Ambrose pulls a rope with a HOOK on it out from under the ring and hooks it to the rafters and uses it to swing over and knock Barrett off the ladder (#WrestleManiaMoment) but then on the backswing Ziggler jumps off the top rope and gives him a Zig Zag in midair off the rope! Then while they're down Bryan runs out and climbs up the ladder to win because he's a NERDY COWARD now remember!
AJ Lee and Paige vs The Bellas - They have a wrestling match (what's with this booking!) until a woman in an MMA MASK (it says "MMA" on it!) jumps in and puts AJ's arm in an armlock and you hear a loud POP and AJ's arm is broken! Then the woman says "Your HUSBAND thinks he can hang with MMA? Well let's see how you HANG with the MMA MISTRESS!" And this is actually Sara Del Ray under a mask because Vince thinks she's too ugly and they will have a LION'S DEN MATCH at Extreme Rules with special guest referee Dan The Beast Severn! And YES the MMA Mistress WILL have sexual relations with Samoan Joe thanks for asking! Oh and the Bellas win this match I guess.
Twenty minute concert by whoever sings that "Swing At My Ego" song! And if Layla comes out to dance I start a "mast-ur wank, mast-ru wank!" chant!
Rusev vs John Cena - This match is so boring that I start doing the Hot Newz Shuffle during it and it spreads across the arena like a Mexican wave until everyone's doing the Hot Newz Shuffle and even JBL has to say "look at that, Maggle, that's the coolest dance move since John Travolta in Grease Maggle!" Meanwhile in the ring Cena powers out of the Accolade (THERE'S A SHOCK) and hits the AA and is about to go for the pin when HULK HOGAN walks down to the ring waving an American flag and says "dude, drape the flag over him before you go for the cover, brother, that'll teach him for being Russian dude!" So Cena drapes the Russian flag on Rusev but Hogan stops him again and says "drop a big leg on him to make sure he stays down, brother!" So Cena runs to the ropes to rebound and hit a legdrop...and Lana throws a fireball into his eyes (the referee is distracted by Hogan's pythons!) Rusev crawls out from under the flag and gets the pin and Hogan looks DISTRAUGHT and runs into the ring and cradles Cena and says "someone's got to stop you for AMERICA, brother!" and Ruseve says "how about you right now OLD FOSSILMAN!" So the match is ON and right away Rusev holds Hogan for Lana to throw a fireball at him but Hogan DUCKS and it hits Rusev and Hogan pins him for the three and is the new US champion! Then Hogan helps up Cena and Cena says "I'm glad it was you, bro" and Hogan SMILES AT LANA and says "it was me...who was up all night HANGING AND BANGING with Lana...and there wasn't a lot of hanging going on if you know what I mean BROTHER!" and hits Cena with a clothesline and MAKES OUT with Lana while Rusev cries! This is to turn Rusev face (Americans love guys who've been dumped or friendzoned!) and set up a match between Cena and Hogan for next year's WrestleMania in the most optimistic forward planning in history!
Sting vs Triple H - Before the match Triple H says "Sting has requested that this be a no DQ match and I'm MAN ENOUGH to accept that request!" Triple H puts Sting in a sleeper for a while just to make sure the match lasts long enough (people have expectations of Triple H matches at WrestleMania!) until finally Sting makes a comeback with punches. Sting keeps punching HHH and Cole says "it's almost disturbing how many punches there's been!" hinting at something! HHH goes outside the ring but Sting brutally bounces his head into the announce table once! HHH comes up BLEEDING(~!~!~!~!~!) but a disclaimer appears on screen reading "don't worry, folks, it's not real blood, it's just HOLLYWOOD MAGIC!" so as not to freak out viewers! Sting keeps pounding the cut and grabs a mic and shoves it up Triple H's nose and says "say that WCW was better and I'll stop pounding you!" He goeson for ten more minutes doing the exact same thing until the fans start booing him and yes fans it's a DOUBLE TURN! Finally Sting says "say it, HHH, say WCW was better!" and Triple H says "okay Sting you got me, I'll say it. I'll say...TWO WORDS, SUCK IT!" and kicks Sting in the gut and gives him a pedigree for the win! Sting comes out the next night on RAW and says "uhh, I got carried away" and disappears in a puff of smoke! He isn't seen again until Summerslam where he helps Daniel Bryan and AJ Lee beat Santino MMArella and the MMA Mistress in a miex tag match! And Triple H forms a new DX with Dean Ambrose, The New Age Outlaws, Cody Rhodes for some reason and the returning Beth Phoenix!
The Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt - Bray Wyatt comes out first and Undertaker's music plays for three minutes without him coming out and Bray says "he's scared OF THE REAL JESUS CHRIST, ME!" Then Taker's music plays again and you see an Undertaker shaped figure repelling down from the rafters slowly! This isn't the real Undertaker (obviously, he's old!) but rather a highly convincing WAX FIGURE of the Undertaker! Bray says "I ain't ascared of no phantom menace, conjour I can melt ya, spirit!" and shoots a LAZER BEAM out of his hands right up at the wax Undertaker and it melts! And the wax is now dripping down into the ring so Bray does his CREEPY spidercrab walk across the ring and from that position he catches some of the wax in his mouth and drinks it! Cole says "this is very symbolic what Bray is doing here, very symbolic indeed!" But while Bray is drinking wax in the spidercrab position the REAL UNDERTAKER has climbed up through a hole in the ring and he puts Bray in the TCB (Taking Care of Business!) while Bray is still in the spidercrab position! Taker holds him there for three minutes until Bray passes out from the pain (also he's probably choked to death on wax!) and then CHANTING DRUID MUSIC plays and three druids come down to collect Bray's soul! Taker orders them to collect Bray's soul but the druids throw back their druid hoods revealing LUKE HARPER, ERIC ROWAN and THAT FAT GUY FROM NXT and they are the new Wyatt Family! Then beat down the Undertaker with forearms and LAUGH the put him in a body bag and carry him all the way out of the arena and to an ambulance outside (this takes about five minutes). Then put the body bag in the ambulance and then the paramedic opens it but the bag is EMPTY! Bray Wyatt finally wakes up in the ring and his eyes bulge out of his head at the empty bag and THE REAL UNDERATKER AGAIG climbs out of the hole in the ring and gives Bray a tombstone for the win! Who says the Undertaker can't still go!!!
Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns - To stop fans from coming up with funny chants like "Daniel Bryan" and "this match is not a worthy main event for WrestleMania!" everything in the match happens REALLY FAST so the fans don't have time to chant! Roman hits the spear right away but Brock just grabs his arm as they go down and locks in the Kimura and you hear a POP (the same pop sound effect used for AJ's broken arm earlier if you listen closely, nerds!) and Roman rolls out of the ring! Cole says "uhh, was that supposed to happen?" and Brock says "I respect you, BOOKER MCMAHON!" Then suddenly GOLDBERG'S music play and he walks out and says "hey Lesnar, our SCORE was never settled BEFORE when I kicked your BUTT the LAST TIME, so how about when settle it RIGHT NOW and show your BUTT what it's been missing?" and runs out to the ring and hits a Spear as well! Then STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN drives to the ring in a go kart and says "OH HELL YEAH how about I be the special referee...or the special BUTT KICKER more like!" and gives them both a Stunner then just drives away again! Then Roman Reigns comes back into the ring and says "I never actually tapped out!" and hits a Rock Bottom (hmmm!) on Lesnar for the three count and he's the new champion for real! Then Lesnar looks mad and goes to give Roman an F5 but RANDY ORTON hits the ring through that hole the Undertaker left and gives Brock an RKO and says "You know, Roman, I stopped Seth Rollins from cashing in and ruining your moment...because as the APEX PREDATOR I'm the one who gets to ruin your moment!" and gives Roman an RKO then takes the Money In The Bank contract out of his tights as he STOLE it earlier when he opened the briefcase and somehow this makes it a legal match and he gets the pin and he's the new champion! Cole says "well, at least no one saw that coming!" I've snuck GARAGE into the arena in my pants so I'll start throwing it into the ring at this point please join me if you're in attendance!
It will be the greatest WrestleMania ever!
Back never with no Hot Newz!