Saturday, 28 March 2015

WresleMania Hot Newz!

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And Wrestlemania Triangle (NOT WrestleMania Play Button like the internet would have you believe!  The traingle symbolises Vince, Stephanie and Triple H!) is just around the corner!  Of course I've got ALL THE SPOILERS weeks before Reddit Guy (real men post on NEWZGROUPZ!) and I will share them all with you my lucky fans!  Not only that but I got TICKETS to Wrestlemania on ebay and even though they aren't right at the front like usual it's still better than watching at home (just about!) so expect to see me in the crowd LIVE (when it goes to a really long shot!) waving my "If Roman Wins, Vince Masturwanks!" sign...unless I sell the ticket for a thousand bucks (nearly twenty dollars more than I paid!) to some poor mark who doesn't know the seat's behind a pillar!

Bill Demott is a big bully!  Even worse than Big Bully Buswick (fun fact: he once popped a young Daniel Bryan's ballon!) and Laura "The Brawler" Oliver the nasty bully who used to beat me up in school (I got revenge by LIVING WELL...and pushing her younger sister off the swings one time!)!  It has been alleged that he used to show up for training NAKED and say "if you want me to put some clothes on you can do it BY FORCE!" and then when someone came near him with clothes he'd shoot them with a taser then put them in a boston crab!  Still naked!  He would call male trainees gay and then tell them to "prove" they aren't gay by making out with him for ten minutes and not getting a hard on!  He would pour petrol all over the ring and set fire to it then bodyslam trainees on the fire and say it was training for inferno matches!  Worst of all he'd even sometimes force trainees to watch Hugh Morrus matches and if they didn't describe his moonsault as "graceful" he'd break their legs!  And sometimes he even SPAT on the floor of the training center!  Demott denies all these allegations but has bravely stood down before anyone sues his pants off (but he's already not wearing any pants and if you try to put them on him he'll tase you!  He's a messed up guy!) 

WWE is taking the #givedivasachance hashtag very seriously!  Stephanie will come out on the first RAW after WrestleMania and say "we are taking that hashtag very seriously!  however it's not fair to just give Divas a chance and not OTHER minorities too so that's why we're going to give MINIS a chance!"  Then the return of MAX MINI as he runs down to the ring and Stephanie gives him a big hug and he motorboats her!  But the Divas WON'T be happy about this because they think women are better than midgets!  This will eventually lead to a one on one match between Paigie and Max Mini to settle once and for all who is better!  The match will be slightly disappointing as Paige is slightly overrated in the ring and relies on that kick to the chest she does too much but no one wants to say it because she's hot!  Max Mini will win for REALISM with the Minicanrana and then hug Paige and then reveal the real reason he did all this is because he liks hugging women and burying his mini head between their breasts!  Then he'll never be mentioned again and the Divas will go back to have two minute matches.

Samoan Joe is headed for WWE!  There is a lot of speculation that Joe is too fat and lazy and old to make it in the WWE and that he'll be treated as a jobber and that speculation is TRUE!  Joe will be brought in by Santino Marella who is now a heel MMA business man (his new name is Santino MMArella!) and he says "put all my competition in armlocks to make the big bucks!" and Joe will put Ryback in an armlock while Santino rubs bucks together outside the ring but then Ryback powers out and wins and say "I guess that proves that wrestling is better than MMA...PHIL!"  Then Joe is repacked on NXT under a pretty mask as Tyler Breeze's bodyguard but the fans know who he is and chant "Joe's going to turn on you!" during every Tyler match for six months waiting for him to turn on Tyler!  Then he takes a training job and is never seen again.

TNA still sucks!

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday!  I have all the spoilers and even better an exclusive preview of the ANTICS I'll get up to in the crowd!

Pre Show: Team Swiss Cat vs The Usos vs New Day vs Los Matadors - Cesaro and Kid debut their new team name of Swiss Cat because they can't rip off the Bullet Club anymore for legal reasons and Tyson has his cat taped to his shoulder as he walks to the ring!  Since one of the Usos is injured (who cares which one) he says before the match "hold up a minute in the hizzle!  I'm injured so it's time for a replacement for my ass...MY FATHER'S ASS!" and Rikishi backs his ass up all the way to the ring!  Late in the match Rikishi goes for a Stinkface on Cesaro and Cesaro tries to counter with a European upepercut but this arm gets STUCK between Rikishi's cheeks and Cole says "a WrestleMania moment already and it's only the pre show!"  New Day win by rolling up Cesaro while he's trying to get the stink off his arm and then Big E says "thank you JESUS for being our SAVIOUR and enabling our WIN!" and this is part of a controversial new angle that will split opinion where New Day will start overtly referencing Jesus all the time and they'll feud with Mizdow and Fandango who are INTELLIGENT ATHEISTS who are faces in Canada (a Godless country!) but heels everywhere else!

Andre The Memorial Giant Battle Royal - Even though Hideo Itami won the tournament to be the NXT guy in the match he's not the only NXT guy in the match!  BARON CORBIN makes his main roster debut as Vince noticed how tall he is!  His new gimmick is that he talks out of his BELLY FLAP like Jerry's girlfriend in that one episode of Seinfeld!  And the mouth in his belly flap says "I'm the BARON of the MANOR!  La la la!"  And also KEVIN OWENS is the final entry in the match and he says "I have come to WrestleMania to FIGHT OWENS FIGHT!" and charges to the ring...and is double clotheslined out by Kane and Big Show in one second (Vince was still furious at them for fucking up with Titus O'Neil at Royal Rumble so made them redo it here!)  Then Cole stands up on the announce table and says "HAHAHAHA, YOU FAT GOOF, GO BACK TO THE MINOR LEAGUES OF NXT AND LOSE SOME WEIGHT, YOU'RE NOT READY YET, PAL!"  But this is actually CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT as Owens will make his main roster debut ONE YEAR LATER in the next Andre the Memorial Giant Battle Royal where he will last A FULL FIVE MINUTES (he won't win, obviously!) to prove he's tough and Cole will congratulate him and muss up his hair!  It comes down to Miz and Mizdow against Kane and Big Show and Miz is eliminated and ORDERS Mizdow to eliminate himself but Mizdow starts SHAKING and says "OOOOOH HELL NO!" and rips his beard off (which is strang since Miz doesn't have a beard and this actually makes him look more like Miz!) and says "I'M NOT MIZDOW ANYMORE!" as the fans go crazy!  Then he turns round into a Big Show knockout punch and is eliminated.  Kane and Big Show decide to SHARE the trophy and they pull it in half and HORNSWOGGLE jumps out of the trophy and says "I was sleeping there!" to send the fans home happy!

Now it's finally time for WrestleMania and PHARREL WILLIAMS comes out to sing America The Greatiful because he needs the money after Marvin Gaye cleaned him out!  When he finishes he says "hey, is everyone HAPPY to be here at WrestleMania?" and while everyone is thinking what their answer is I QUICKLY shout out "No, I'd rather be at NEW JAPAN~!" to get some free advertising for New Japan in there while everyone else is silent which is one of the advantages of having spoilers!

Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins - They have a wrestling match (boring!) until JOHN STEWART comes out with a PHONE and says "hey, Seth, I found some pictures on your phone and I'm going to put them on the Titan Tron by pressing a button as that is a feature all phones have" and Seth says "NOOOOOOOOOO!" and Orton gives him an RKO FROM OUT OF NOWHERE (actually just a normal RKO but Cole is forcing the meme!) for the win!  And then the pictures appear on the Titan Tron and they're just pics of Seth putting sunglasses on his cat!  Then Orton says "you know what, Seth?  As the APEX PREDATOR I'm going to make sure you don't ruin the main event tonight by cashing in your Money In The Bank!"  And he opens the Money In The Bank briefcase and closes it on Seth's head somehow then gives Seth a punt with his head in the briefcase!

Backstage we see loads of nerds typing on laptops (Cole mumbles something about them being "contest winners" to explain it!) and DANIEL BRYAN walks by and says "hey fellow Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts!  You guys blogging about how cool I am?  ICE COOL!" and the nerds say "no, we're blogging about how you've lost your cool and become a catchphrase spouting loser!  We prefer real cool people like Roman Reigns and his more attractive beard now!"  This is part of an attempt to get even nerds to turn on Bryan and it will culminate in Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory (THE GREATEST TV SHOW SINCE FRASIER) appearing on RAW and saying "even I'm cooler than you, turd!  Bazinga!" and giving Bryan a Stone Cold Stunner!

IC title ladder match with Bad Newz Barrett, Daniel Bryan, R Truth, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, Luke Harper, Stadust and I think that's everyone but I'm not going to look it up - Everyone attacks Daniel Brya right away (because they hate him!) and gives him a six way powerbomb through three tables (that's two men a table!) to take him out of the match!  This is to stop the fans from RUINING the match by cheering for him as of course there's no way fans would cheer Daniel Bryan when he's not actually in a match!  After lots of people fall off ladder Barrett finally climbs a ladder without falling and is about to ring when Ambrose pulls a rope with a HOOK on it out from under the ring and hooks it to the rafters and uses it to swing over and knock Barrett off the ladder (#WrestleManiaMoment) but then on the backswing Ziggler jumps off the top rope and gives him a Zig Zag in midair off the rope!  Then while they're down Bryan runs out and climbs up the ladder to win because he's a NERDY COWARD now remember!

AJ Lee and Paige vs The Bellas - They have a wrestling match (what's with this booking!) until a woman in an MMA MASK (it says "MMA" on it!) jumps in and puts AJ's arm in an armlock and you hear a loud POP and AJ's arm is broken!  Then the woman says "Your HUSBAND thinks he can hang with MMA?  Well let's see how you HANG with the MMA MISTRESS!"  And this is actually Sara Del Ray under a mask because Vince thinks she's too ugly and they will have a LION'S DEN MATCH at Extreme Rules with special guest referee Dan The Beast Severn!  And YES the MMA Mistress WILL have sexual relations with Samoan Joe thanks for asking!  Oh and the Bellas win this match I guess.

Twenty minute concert by whoever sings that "Swing At My Ego" song!  And if Layla comes out to dance I start a "mast-ur wank, mast-ru wank!" chant!

Rusev vs John Cena - This match is so boring that I start doing the Hot Newz Shuffle during it and it spreads across the arena like a Mexican wave until everyone's doing the Hot Newz Shuffle and even JBL has to say "look at that, Maggle, that's the coolest dance move since John Travolta in Grease Maggle!"  Meanwhile in the ring Cena powers out of the Accolade (THERE'S A SHOCK) and hits the AA and is about to go for the pin when HULK HOGAN walks down to the ring waving an American flag and says "dude, drape the flag over him before you go for the cover, brother, that'll teach him for being Russian dude!"  So Cena drapes the Russian flag on Rusev but Hogan stops him again and says "drop a big leg on him to make sure he stays down, brother!"  So Cena runs to the ropes to rebound and hit a legdrop...and Lana throws a fireball into his eyes (the referee is distracted by Hogan's pythons!)  Rusev crawls out from under the flag and gets the pin and Hogan looks DISTRAUGHT and runs into the ring and cradles Cena and says "someone's got to stop you for AMERICA, brother!" and Ruseve says "how about you right now OLD FOSSILMAN!"  So the match is ON and right away Rusev holds Hogan for Lana to throw a fireball at him but Hogan DUCKS and it hits Rusev and Hogan pins him for the three and is the new US champion!  Then Hogan helps up Cena and Cena says "I'm glad it was you, bro" and Hogan SMILES AT LANA and says "it was me...who was up all night HANGING AND BANGING with Lana...and there wasn't a lot of hanging going on if you know what I mean BROTHER!" and hits Cena with a clothesline and MAKES OUT with Lana while Rusev cries!  This is to turn Rusev face (Americans love guys who've been dumped or friendzoned!) and set up a match between Cena and Hogan for next year's WrestleMania in the most optimistic forward planning in history!

Sting vs Triple H - Before the match Triple H says "Sting has requested that this be a no DQ match and I'm MAN ENOUGH to accept that request!"  Triple H puts Sting in a sleeper for a while just to make sure the match lasts long enough (people have expectations of Triple H matches at WrestleMania!) until finally Sting makes a comeback with punches.  Sting keeps punching HHH and Cole says "it's almost disturbing how many punches there's been!" hinting at something!  HHH goes outside the ring but Sting brutally bounces his head into the announce table once!  HHH comes up BLEEDING(~!~!~!~!~!) but a disclaimer appears on screen reading "don't worry, folks, it's not real blood, it's just HOLLYWOOD MAGIC!" so as not to freak out viewers!  Sting keeps pounding the cut and grabs a mic and shoves it up Triple H's nose and says "say that WCW was better and I'll stop pounding you!"  He goeson for ten more minutes doing the exact same thing until the fans start booing him and yes fans it's a DOUBLE TURN!  Finally Sting says "say it, HHH, say WCW was better!" and Triple H says "okay Sting you got me, I'll say it.  I'll say...TWO WORDS, SUCK IT!" and kicks Sting in the gut and gives him a pedigree for the win!  Sting comes out the next night on RAW and says "uhh, I got carried away" and disappears in a puff of smoke!  He isn't seen again until Summerslam where he helps Daniel Bryan and AJ Lee beat Santino MMArella and the MMA Mistress in a miex tag match!  And Triple H forms a new DX with Dean Ambrose, The New Age Outlaws, Cody Rhodes for some reason and the returning Beth Phoenix!

The Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt - Bray Wyatt comes out first and Undertaker's music plays for three minutes without him coming out and Bray says "he's scared OF THE REAL JESUS CHRIST, ME!"  Then Taker's music plays again and you see an Undertaker shaped figure repelling down from the rafters slowly!  This isn't the real Undertaker (obviously, he's old!) but rather a highly convincing WAX FIGURE of the Undertaker!  Bray says "I ain't ascared of no phantom menace, conjour I can melt ya, spirit!" and shoots a LAZER BEAM out of his hands right up at the wax Undertaker and it melts!  And the wax is now dripping down into the ring so Bray does his CREEPY spidercrab walk across the ring and from that position he catches some of the wax in his mouth and drinks it!  Cole says "this is very symbolic what Bray is doing here, very symbolic indeed!"  But while Bray is drinking wax in the spidercrab position the REAL UNDERTAKER has climbed up through a hole in the ring and he puts Bray in the TCB (Taking Care of Business!) while Bray is still in the spidercrab position!  Taker holds him there for three minutes until Bray passes out from the pain (also he's probably choked to death on wax!) and then CHANTING DRUID MUSIC plays and three druids come down to collect Bray's soul!  Taker orders them to collect Bray's soul but the druids throw back their druid hoods revealing LUKE HARPER, ERIC ROWAN and THAT FAT GUY FROM NXT and they are the new Wyatt Family!  Then beat down the Undertaker with forearms and LAUGH the put him in a body bag and carry him all the way out of the arena and to an ambulance outside (this takes about five minutes).  Then put the body bag in the ambulance and then the paramedic opens it but the bag is EMPTY!  Bray Wyatt finally wakes up in the ring and his eyes bulge out of his head at the empty bag and THE REAL UNDERATKER AGAIG climbs out of the hole in the ring and gives Bray a tombstone for the win!  Who says the Undertaker can't still go!!!

Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns - To stop fans from coming up with funny chants like "Daniel Bryan" and "this match is not a worthy main event for WrestleMania!" everything in the match happens REALLY FAST so the fans don't have time to chant!  Roman hits the spear right away but Brock just grabs his arm as they go down and locks in the Kimura and you hear a POP (the same pop sound effect used for AJ's broken arm earlier if you listen closely, nerds!) and Roman rolls out of the ring!  Cole says "uhh, was that supposed to happen?" and Brock says "I respect you, BOOKER MCMAHON!"  Then suddenly GOLDBERG'S music play and he walks out and says "hey Lesnar, our SCORE was never settled BEFORE when I kicked your BUTT the LAST TIME, so how about when settle it RIGHT NOW and show your BUTT what it's been missing?" and runs out to the ring and hits a Spear as well!  Then STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN drives to the ring in a go kart and says "OH HELL YEAH how about I be the special referee...or the special BUTT KICKER more like!" and gives them both a Stunner then just drives away again!  Then Roman Reigns comes back into the ring and says "I never actually tapped out!" and hits a Rock Bottom (hmmm!) on Lesnar for the three count and he's the new champion for real!  Then Lesnar looks mad and goes to give Roman an F5 but RANDY ORTON hits the ring through that hole the Undertaker left and gives Brock an RKO and says "You know, Roman, I stopped Seth Rollins from cashing in and ruining your moment...because as the APEX PREDATOR I'm the one who gets to ruin your moment!" and gives Roman an RKO then takes the Money In The Bank contract out of his tights as he STOLE it earlier when he opened the briefcase and somehow this makes it a legal match and he gets the pin and he's the new champion!  Cole says "well, at least no one saw that coming!"  I've snuck GARAGE into the arena in my pants so I'll start throwing it into the ring at this point please join me if you're in attendance!

It will be the greatest WrestleMania ever!

Back never with no Hot Newz!



Sunday, 28 December 2014

Global Force Wrestling Taping Results! 28/12/2014

OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that Jeff Jarett's Global Force Wrestling (catchy name!) recorded a special PILOT EPISODE!  If you're not a tv indsutry type peson like me you won't know that a pilot episode is a special unaired first episode of a tv show!  Teh name comes from the fact that airline pilots used to get free tickets to the recordings as a reward for not crashing and killing all their passengers!  GFW (catchy initials!) taped a SPECIAL SECRET pilot taping at a SECRET ARENA and only invited THE BEST wrestling journalists and other famous people to attend!  Naturally I was invited and had FRONT ROW SEATS BABY!  Also there were journalists Dave Meltzer, Bryan Alvarez, Bill Apter, Scott Keith, The Cubsfan, Justin Shapiro, ZRC, MiCasa, Al Isaacs from SCOOPS, Hyatte, Shannon Sean, The Scotsman, Herb Kuntz, Rajah WWF, Mr Tito, WrestlingGirl19, The Annoying Guy From The LAW, Dave Shoebomber and celebrity guests RON HOWARD, ROBERT PATRICK and VANA WHITE!  We were all made to sign an EMBARGO saying that we would NEVER report what we witnessed on this secret taping (because they might not air it or they might alter it with CGI!) but I signed my name as "Wade Keller" so now I can leak the results and face no legal actions!

The show started with a GIANT GUITAR set up in the ring and we all groaned (and not in sexual pleasure!) because we knew this meant Jeff Boring Jarrett would boring bore us and end the show hitting someone with a guitar!  But then the guitar EXPLODED and Jeff and KAREN Jarrett stood in the smoking guitar rubble!  Jeff said "take a good look at that guitar rubble BECAUSE THAT'S THE LAST STINKING TIME YOU'LL SEE A GUITAR HERE IN G DOUBLE YA F!  I know what people say about me, that I'm old and boring and I always hit people with guitars!  I'm taking a VOW to NOT hit NO ONE with a guitar on this show!  GWF will be DIFFERENT from ANY wrestling you've EVER seen BEFORE!  It will have great action, yes, great wrestling...but also great STORYLINES!  And great SOAP OPERA from my wife Karen and her PARADE of lovers!"  Then Karen pulled her jacket off revealing she was wearing LINGERIE and said "Jeff and I have an open relationship...and the thing that's MY LEGS!"  Then Jeff said "and tonight we will decide the FIRST GWF world champion in a triple threat ladder match between three of the brightest YOUNG stars in this business...Frankie Kazarian, Chris Sabin and Christopher Daniels!"  Then Karen made eyes at Rajah!

Jeff then came back out to re-record the entire promo because he'd said "GWF" instead of "GFW"!

SCOTT HUDSON and RICK THE MODEL MARTEL came out to provide commentary and Rick sprayed ARROGANCE on Hudson and said "that'll get the stench of WCW off you!"  There were also forty announce tables all around the ring for every country in the GFW universe with their own foreign language announcers and some of them were hot women!  Ricardo Rodriquez and EL PATRONUS DEL ALBERTO were on the Spanish table but Del Rio said "don't worry, folks, I'm just here as an announcer, I won't be getting physically involved!"  (Mr Tito translated it for me!)  Great Khali and Sanjay Dutt were at the Indian announced table!  The Bezerker and a hot blonde girl were at the Swedish announce table!  Johnny Saint and Mel C from the Spice Girls were at the UK announce table!  The Great Mutant and LADY BABA were at the Japanese announced table and Mutant wore a cowboy hat in a SLY REFERENCE to JR!

Ring announcer DON WEST (he's back!) said "and now for some high flying WRESTLING action that only GFW can provide!"  The original Sin Cara came out but his name was ZEN CARA and he did a BUDDHIST POSE at the top of the ramp!  Then his opponent TEDDY HART came out and Scott Keith explained to me (he's Canadian so he knows!) that Teddy is on new mind controlling drugs now so he won't do anything crazy like give a shooting star press to a cat like her used to!  They had a great high flying match full of flips for two minutes until Teddy did a 1080 off the ring post and landed with his head on Zen Cara's foot!  Then Zen Cara clutched his foot in PAIN and the referee made the "X" sign really obviously to the hard camera and the match was over!

BACKSTAGE Karen Jarrett was talking to HERMANDEZ and she said "you're my MAN DEZ" now because that's his new name, Her (Karen's) Man Dez!  They then went into a room for a blowjob.

The letters "GTJ" appeared on the Globaltron and JTG (now GTJ!) came out wearing jeans!  GTJ grabbed the mic and said "I've been waiting a LONG TIME to settle this score...Big Shad Gasplant (his new name!) get your ASS out here!"  Then Big Shad Gasport came out and there was a TENSE STAREDOWN...then GTJ handed him twenty dollars and said "here's the twenty I owe you, score settled!" and they hugged it out!  Then SCOTTISH BAGS started playing and DREW MCINTYRE and HIGHLANDER ROBBIE came out wearing Scottist skirts (kilts!) with their faces painted blue, the color of Scotland!  Drew said "that's right, I'm Drew and he's Robbie!" and Robbie said "I'm Robbie!" and Drew said "and now we'll show you what REAL SCOTSMEN do to the boys from the Hood, just like when Scotland kicked Robin Hood's ARSE in the war against the English back in 1766!"  Then the NEW HIGHLANDERS hit the ring and laid out GTJ right away with a HIGHLAND FLING (double hiptoss!) and Shad took one look at that and said "no way am I taking that, I'm in Hollywood now!" and put on some HOLLYWOOD SHADES and walked backstage!  GTJ was carried back on a stretcher, naturally!

Jeff Jarrett came back out to the ring again and said "and now for some very special guest...FLORIDA GEORGIA LION!"  And Florida Georgia Lion came out and everyone gasped in shock because they were last seen in WWE promoting their appearance on the Hooray For The Troops thing!  The one who looks like Jericho said "that's right, it's great to be here in GFW..." and Jeff grabbed the mic back off him and said "See?  SEE?  Even Florida Georgia Lion think GFW is better than WWE and have cancelled their appearance on Hurray To The Troops because they're GFW through and through!"  Then FGL said "uhh, we didn't actually say that, we just came here to promote our album, we thought this was like another WWE company anyway, we still support the troops..." but Jeff interrupted with "That's right!  The only troops they care about now are the GFW soldiers!  Ain't I great!" and did a strut.  Florida George Lion just looked confused then walked backstage.

Next up, BIG ZEKE (he can appear on both GFW and Lucha Underground because who's going to stop him!) came out to NO MUSIC and said "There will be no music!  I don't need gimmicks like music or a personality!  Bring on my opponent JACK!"  Then some FUNKY MUSIC played and the words "DEBIASE POSSE" appeared on the screen and TED DEBIASE (the lame one) came out being carried by his posses!  There were a lot like Adam Rose's posse, realy, but with a few changes like all the girls were black!  And instead of a bunny there was a fish!  Rajah pointed out that the Debiase Posse were around before the Rose Buds so TECHNICALLY it's not a rip off.  So I gave Rajah a wedgie, the nerd!  Zeke gave Ted a spear RIGHT AWAY and Debiase grabbed his wrist and said "AAAAH, MY WRIST!" and the referee (the black referee fired from the WWE a few months ago, remember him!?) started to do an X then said "oh shit, I forgot to start the match!"  Then Dibiase got up again and suddenly his wrist was FINE and the referee rang the bell and Zeke speared him again right away and Dibaise clutched his wrist and said "AAAH, MY WRIST!" and the referee made an X!  Debeesie was carried away by his posse like they were bodysurfing him but on a stretcher and they dropped him three times!

Karen was walking around looking for men baskstage when she saw Yoshi Tatsu and said "a man from the ORIENT could pleasure me like no one!  Not even a REDNECK can compete with an Asian!"  Then the camera pulled back to reveal JIMMY WANG YANG standing there too and he said "DAMN" like Ron Simmons!  Then they all went in a room for a threesome.

Some GENERIC JAPANESE music played and I could see Meltzer getting excited because he thought NEW JAPAN were going to come out to UP THE WORKRATE but instead KELLY KELLY came out and Meltzer said "Well, time to get shitfaced!" and started drinking straight vodka from a bottle with ZRC!  And Kelly was wearing a JAPANESE KIMONO DRAGON dress because she's turned her back on America and all it stands for!  "SHURT URRRRP!" said Kelly.  "You Americans think you're so great!  Guess what, Japan still hasn't forgiven you for World War Two and never will!  We have been pretending to be into crazy things like tentacle porn and Avril Lavigne to DISTRACT you Americans from the truth that we are breeding a race of SUPERMEN to take over the world!  Our Nintendo and Sony is MUCH better than your Microsoft and SEGA!  And now I will introduce the man who will CRUSH your American dreams like a fat uncle sitting on an apple pie at Thanksgiving...AKKEBONO!!!"  The huge Japanese superstar and former Sumo champion came out eating a BOWL OF RICE and he threw the bowl at Mr Tito when he was done!  He said "at WrestleMania I beat your American hero The Big Show in a SHOOT sumo match and now not even ONE American can bodyslam me, you are pathetic!  Let's go backstage for Japanese sex, Kerry Kerry!"

...then the sound of a HELICOPTER LANDING played into the arena and CHRIS MASTERS came out wearing nothing but Stars and Stripes boxers (we didn't actually see the helicopter but there must have been one!)  He said "you come out here saying there's something wrong with America?  There's nothing wrong with America!  The thing that's wrong with America is big fat Japanese guys like you coming over here and stealing all our AMERICAN women and eating all our AMERICAN rice!  You are a CANCER and I am the cure fo cancer!  After I bodyslam you through this ring I'll put you in the Masterlock and squeeze you so tight that your eyes unsquint!"  And the fans popped like crazy for this racism as no one loves America more than wrestling journalists!  Masters went for the bodyslam right away and got Akkebona off the ground(!) but then there was a load POPPING noise and Akkebono fell on top of him and the referee counted three (it was a match I guess!) then touched Masters knee and did the "X" sign and he was carried backstage on a stars and stripes stretcher!

Karen was shown looking tired backstage but then she looked directly into the camera and said "oh, it's you.  I'm never too tired for sex with YOU, my OLD FRIEND..." and the camera zoomed in on her breasts and then cut out and we didn't find out who it was and why were they carrying a camera!

ASTOUNDING KONG came out to the ring and said "that's right it's time for WOMEN'S action but we're not called Divas or Knockouts we're the FEMIZONS and we'll knock you out if you're a diva!"  Then MATT HARDY came out and said "Femizon?  More like FRIEND ZONE because that's where you women are always putting nice guys like me!  And another thing, stop trying to take our video games away from us!  We don't try to take Girls and Sex In The City and Roseanne away from you!"  Then Kong gave him a SPINNING BACKFIST to knock him out but the camera man jumped in the ring and hit Kong over the head with his camera and it broke in two (the camera not her head lol!) and out-spilled a MYSTICAL GEM!  The Camera Man took his beard off to reveal STEVIE RICHARDS and he said "that's right!  As you probably guessed I was using this mystical gem I found in Raven's basement to control Matt Hardy into doing my bidding...because I'm SICK of being friendzoned!  And that wasn't THE ONLY thing I found in Raven's basement!"  Then THE SANDMAN walked out wrapped up in bandages like a mummy for some reason and beat himself over the head with a singapore cane for five minutes until he had to be carried backstage on a stretcher!  Rajah explained to me that the whole mind control angle is based on CHIKARA which is a wrestling company for men with Asperger's!  So I gave him an atomic wedgie!

Then it cut backstage and for some reason the camera was now from Karen's point of view and she was walking down a corridor high fiving Alundra Blaze, Mickie James and Shaniqua who were singing "sisters are doing it for themselves!"  Then she bumped into KEVIN NASH and fell down and looked up and her point of view was staring at his crotch and he said "while you're down can give BIB DADDY SEXY...'s shoes a tying!  My shoes are untied is what I'm saying.  I can't reach down to tie them without tearing a quad!"  Then he did the Diesel "HONK HONK" motion with his hand.  Then Karen thought (we could hear her thoughts too!) "I wonder what Big Kev is doing here?  I better WARN JEFF...or maybe I should BETRAY JEFF!?"   And Nash said "uhh, why are you just sitting there thinking?"

Before the main event special guest ring announcer MICHAEL DORN (Worf!) said "the following triple threat ladder match will feature RANDOM LUCHA!"  This was to appeal to the Lucha Underground fans!

Frankie Kazarian, Chris Sabin and Christopher Daniels in a triple threat ladder match was the MAIN EVENT!  They're having a normal match until the words "RANDOM LUCHA" appeared in big neon letters and six luchadores ran out and started doing sloppy armdrags and topes where their feet got stuck in the ropes, as is the style in Lucha!  Then the neon letters went out and the luchadores ran away again and everyone shrugged and just went back to fighting!  Everyone climbed up a giant ladder but then a man in a TOTALLY BLACK SUIT ran in and tipped up the ladder and they all fell through a table outside the ring and were dead!  Then the man lay down on the ring (which was BLACK if I didn't mention before!) and disappeared (though Hyatte said he just rolled out of the ring really)!  Then Jeff Jarret ran out and said "this is a tragedy!  But while that belt is hanging in the air we don't have a champion so LEGALLY I must now climb up the ladder and grab the belt and win the match otherwise there will be no more GFW!"  So he pulled out a weird ladder with a strange GUITAR-SHAPED COMPARTMENT at the top(!) and I said "I bet there's a guitar in there!" and Rajah said "NO SPOILERS!" and gave me a noogie!  Jarrett climbed up and was about to get the belt when suddenly Daniels rolled into the ring and climbed the ladder and said "No Jeff I'm still alive you don't have to do this!" and Jeff smiled and pulled a guitar out of the guitar-shaped compartment(!) and smashed it over Daniels' head and said "BUT I WANT TO DO IT, SON, I'M THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING JEFFMAN!" and Worf announced him as the first GFW champion!

Jarrett strutted around the ring with the belt until Kazarian and Sabin got back up and looked ANGRY at him!  Then Zen Cara, GTJ, Ted Deebeasse, Chris Masters, Matt Hardy and The Sandman all surrounded the ring and some of them were on crutches and had neck braces and were ranting about "unsafe work environment and Jeff GULPED as all six got up on the apron...and then they attacked and destroyed Kazarian and Sabin and all HUGGED Jeff and he said "hahaha, ain't I great, I had them FAKE injuries earlier so none of you dumb MARKS would suspect a thing!"  But then KEVIN NASH started to march down to the ring as the fans went wild (we were all drunk by this point!) but before he could get there CODY HALL hit him in the back of the head with a cookie sheet knocking him out and said "THE SONS OF THE OUTSIDERS ARE RISING!"  Then the guy in the totally black suit (remember him?) appeared on a balcony pointing a black baseball bat at Jeff and the fans chanted "fire Russo!" because it was probably Russo!  Before we could find out if he was Russo or not, KURT ANGLE limped out onto the balcony and TIPPED the black suit guy over the edge and through three tables that were sitting below for some reason!  Then KAREN JARRETT walked out behind Kurt and TWEAKED HIS NIPPLES as Kurt said "Wooo!  That's right, I've come to get Karen back!  And next I'm coming for you, Jeff!  Unfortunately I just tore my groin pleasuring your wife, but in six months I'll be healthy enough to have a disappointing eight minute match with you, wooo!"  Then Karen smiled and gave Kurt a LOW BLOW and grabbed the mic and said "I only had sex with you to tear your groin!  It was Jeff's plan all along!  Ain't he great!"

By this time we were all throwing GARBAGE into the ring (Scott Keith got angry at us all throwing his old books into the ring!) and Jeff said "there's no one in this arena who can stop me!" and then DEL RIO started to stand up to a big pop but then he just shrugged and sat down again!  Then KHALI started to stand up but his knee seized up and he fell over!  Then Jeff said under his breath (but into the mic he was still holding) "DAMN IT Waltman missed his time cue!" and everyone just shrugged and walked backstage!  Then Bryan Alvarez said "MINUS TEN STARS!" and Meltzer did a crotch chop!

Back never with nothing!


Saturday, 25 January 2014

Royal Rumble 2014

OMFLOLFGOMFG I AM BIZZACK WITH MORE HOT NEWZ!!!!!!!1  Bet you NEVER EVAAAR thought you'd see Hot Newz back here agayne did you!  Well ONE THING and ONE THING only has brought me back here and that is the return of BIG TISTA (Batista)!!!!!!!!!  Batista is a MANLY MAN I have always looked up to who once would walk around backstage and would have a different Diva to blow him in every room!  Sure he got his ass-kicked by Booker T one time but he was probably tried going into the fight from all the BANGING he'd been doing!  Batista is now a GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE in some comic book movie for NERDS and FAKE GEEK GIRLS so he's had to come back to WWE to prove he's still a REAL MAN by winning pre-determined staged wrestling matches!  I can't hardly wait!

The WWE Network is finally lunching!  The Network will only cost ten bucks a month which is so cheap that even JTG will be able to afford it!  EVERY wrestling match EVER except those from TNA, ROH, New Japan, All Japan and Nazi Japan (a short-lived fed in the mid nineties owned by Dick Togo that Sabu wrestled for!) will be avaiable to watch AT ANY TIME and the servers will never crash once, not even when a million people try to watch WrestleMania at the same time!  Best of all the Network will include CHRIS BENOIT matches and finally we can go back and rediscover the fact that he did far too many German suplexes towards the end of his career!

Katilyn has been released!  Katilin was one of the finest, most sexiest, Divas around but she REFUSED to go on Total Divas and show her private life (which since we know nothing about it, I can only assume involved LESBIANISM!) so Triple H told her to get the F out (he fired her!)  You might also be wondering where the lovely Layla is!  Layla was actually released from HER contract six months ago when she turned 36 and Vince said "CHRIST THAT'S OLDER THAN LINDA WAS THE LAST TIME I BANGED HER" but she was made to sign a ONE YEAR no compete clause because Vince knew that even a 36 year old Layla in TNA could turn the ratings around!  So there's just six months to go before we find out if a 37 year old Layla in TNA can turn the ratings around (spoiler: she can't!)

Now it's time for my FULL and exclusive Royal Rumble spoilers!

The Big Show versus Brock Lesnar - Lesnar does a belly to belly suplex so Cole can say "I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DO THAT TO THE BIG SHOW BEFORE" even though Lesnar did it eleven years ago!   Big Show makes a comeback by hiptossing Lesnar (Cole: "NEVER BEFORE...") and he goes for the knockout punch but Lesnar DUCKS and Show punches the turnbuckle hurts his fist and Lesnar rolls him up with his feet on the ropes for the pin!  Then Heyman sneakily removes a GOLD BAR he'd hidden in the turnbuckle knowing Show would accidentally punch it!  Then Heyman says "as Brock Lesnar qualified for the Royal Rumble eleven years ago by beating the Big Show in a match if you remember, we have decided that Brock Lesnar will AGAIN be in the Royal Rumble THIS YEAR and by that I mean he's going to be in tonight's Rumble match!" and Lesnar says "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Daniel Bryan versus Bray Wyatt - Bryan wins in four seconds with a RUNNING SMALLPACKAGE!  Wyatt then smiles and pulls a cellphone out from between his buttcheeks (eww!) and says "I'm putting the call in.  I need you to take the TRASH out tonight!"

Backstage Kane is GLOATING to his OLD FRIEND Daniel Bryan that CM Punk is going to be number one in the Royal Rumble, while Bryan draws HIS number out of a big tumblr and Bryan looks at his number and SMILES then Kane looks at it and SMILES too but then AJ Lee runs up and starts CHEST SLAPPING them both like a girl crying "neither of you were as good in bed as CM!"  But this is just a distraction because you see Punk SNEAK UP and SWAP his number with Bryan's then he walks away LAUGHING to himself and Bryan and Kane grab AJ and pick her up and carry her away(!?) and Bryan says "It's time AJ experienced some DOUBLE TEAMING!"

John Cena veruss Randy Orton in a NO COUNT OUT NO TIME LIMIT match - Lilian says  the "NO COUNT OUT NO TIME LIMIT" part really loudly so that teh rubes understand!  They have an EXCITING 30 minute matches where they each hit all their moves and the other guy kicks out!  Then finally Orton gets bored and RUNS AWAY up the aisle but Cena RUNS AFTER HIM and you see Randy jump on a MOTORBIKE and ride away!  Then Cena fins the only car is a cop car so he drags the cop out of it and says "officer, I have the utmost respect for you and the law!" and gives the cop an AA on the floor and donut powder flies everywhere!  Cena then stealst he cop car and chases after Orton!  This is important later!

Backstage again we see Kane and Bryan EATING POPCORN watching as THE BELLA TWINS practice double team moves on AJ!  It wasn't rape after all!

Royal Rumble Match - Number 1 is Daniel Bryan who gets the whole crowd chanting "yes!" in the way he does!  Number 2 is Santino Marella who is BACK and he kicks Bryan's ass for two minutes with fireman's carries and hiptosses until Bryan dropkicks him out the ring!  Then Michael Cole says "hey, I'm going to get a selfie with Santino while he's out here!" and jumps in front of him but Santino REFUSES THE SELFIE!  This is the start of Santino's heel turn (only a heel could refuse a selfie!) and he will be the evil Italian foreign heel Hulk Hogan faces at WrestleMania!  For number 3 THE WYATT FAMILY MUSIC plays and Daniel Bryan stares INTENSELY down the aisle but then the lights come back in and DUKE THE DUMPSTER DROESE (because Bryan looked like him when he was in his Wyatt overalls okay that's the joke) is standing in the ring and he hits Bryan with a garbage can and Bryan goes flying over the top rope!  Then he empties the garbage on Bryan and it's pig shit!  Then the fans groan and you hear Vince McMahon's voice speaking over Cole's headset and he says "we booked him to eliminate a big star like Santino but the fans still don't care about him!  I give up on Daniel Bryan!"  Don't worry though because this is a SPORKED SHOOT and Bryan will turn heel and join the Wyatt's (again!) and be in Bray's corner when Bray wrestles The Undertaker at WrestleMania (no Bryan match on the card obviously!) but will turn face AGAIN when he raises Undertaker's hand in victory after the match and Undertaker fist bumps him to give him THE RUB!  Number 4 is The Miz.  Number 5 is Dolph Ziggler and he dropkicks the Dumpster out to a MIXED reaction because even though the fans are angry at the Dumpster for eliminating Daniel Bryan they still think he's kind of cool!

Number 6 is Kofi Kingston and Dolph backdrops him out right away just to get the Kofi Spot over with but Kofi HOVERS in mid air with his feet not touching the ground and just stands there LEVITATING above the floor!  Kofi then jumps back onto the apron and BACKDROPS Dolph out and there's a loud SHATTERING as Dolph crashes through the GLASS TABLE Kofi set up outside the ring to do his magician spot!  Dolph then BLADES HIS BACK but it's not shown on camera of course but the fans in the arena see it to create a BUZZ about Dolph's bleeding back which will be the talk of the internet!  Number 7 is Goldust.  Number 8 is An Uso.  Number 9 is THE REAL SIN CARA who had a special contract that says he must compete in the Royal Rumble even if he's been replaced by a new Sin Cara!  And he doesn't give a fuck anymore and he comes out smoking a cigarette and he pulls his mask off and he has a HITLER MOUSTACHE on underneath because he's trying to ruin the Rumble by being naughty!  Number 10 is Brotus Clay and he POPS A KIDS'S BALLOON on the way to the ring to prove how evil he is, but JBL shouts "you stole that from Big Bully Busick!" so he SPITS IN JBL'S COWBOY HAT as revenge!  Thne the next day on it is announced that Brotus has been fined fifty thousand dollars for spitting because that's not PG!

Number 11 is Curtis Axel who comes out carrying a mysterious sceptre in a storyline that will be explained in the weeks to come!  Number 12 is THE ANIMAN BATISTA and he gives EVeryoNe a spinebuster starting with The Miz!  He STACKS FOOLS UP with spinebusters so that eventually everyone is lying in a pile with Miz on the bottom and an Uso on top!  Batista then goes outside the ring and starts to LIFT the ring on one side to TIP the ring over so that the pile of spinebusted fools will TOPPLE and they'll all fall over the top rope and be eliminated!  He's practical!  But then BROCK LESNAR comes crashing through the barricade shattering it at knee level and right into a chopblock (a chopBROCK!?) on Batista's knee!  Brock then puts The Kimura on Batista's leg and you hear his leg POP and it's broken and Batista is carried away on FOUR stretchers because he's so big!  Can Batista recover in time to have a disappointing match with Brock at Wrestlemania?  I hope so!  Number 13 Brock's music plays because he was number 13!  Lesnar starts picking up fools off the top of the stack of fools, starting with An Uso, and giving them F-5's over the top rope!   He eliminates An Uso, Brotus, Curtis Axel, Goldust, Kofi and The Real Sin Cara (who NO SELLS the F5 when he is eliminated because he's still shooting and runs off through the crowd high fiving the men and making out with the women!)  Before he can eliminate Miz it's time for number 14 and there's the sound of a lear jet landing(!?) and "did you smell what the Rock was cooking?" (his new theme!) plays and THE ROCK sprints down to the ring and backdrops Lesnar out and grabs a mic and says "WE ARE LIVE!  Brock!  You!  Me!  WrestleMania!  Next year!  I'm too damn busy this year!  2015!  See you then!  Paul Walker, The Rock loves you!" then jumps over the top rope and runs backstage again and you hear his jet taking off!  Number 15 is Xavier Woods and the Miz puts him in a figure four for two minutes!

Number 16 is R TRUTH and he's carrying a Funkadactyl on each arm!  He unties Woods from the figure four and says "damn, your leg is too hurt for you to dance!" and Miz says "aww, shucks, if i'd known my figure four would have hurt your dancing I never would have done it!" and Truth says "I guess Miz will just have to step in!" and Miz says "okay, Ron!" and Truth says "don't use my real name, MIKE!" and Miz says "Haha, you got me there, bro!" and Woods says "what the fuck are you two talking about?"  Number 17 is SCOTT 2 HOTTY in one of those surprise appearances no one cares about five minutes later and he gives shades to Truth, Miz and Woods and all GET JIGGY WITH IT (Woods dances sitting down!) for two minutes!  Number 18 is an Uso.  Dancing.  Number 19 is Damien Shadow and he won't stand for any CHILDISH dancing and he eliminates Scotty 2 Hotty to get massive heat from people who care about Scotty 2 Hotty (so from EVERYOENE then since the five minutes aren't up yet!  Number 20 is Cody Rhodes and him and Damien go at it to remind everyone of their epic feud!

Number 21 is Michael Cole and he explains "I entered myself in the Rumble so I could take a selfie of myself in the Rumble!"  He gets in the ring and takes a selfie with everyone in the ring and they all pose and smile for the selfie even Damien to foreshadow his coming face turn!  Number 22 is RYBACK (AT LAST!) and he comes out with one side of his body painted as the Ultimate Warrior and one side painted as Goldberg!  And he tweets "this is because we haven't decided if I'm SQUASHING Golberg or Warrior at Wrestlemania yet hahahaha!" when he gets in the ring.  (In fact this is a swerve and Ryback will actually take on THE SHOCKMASTER at Wrestlemania!  Shockmaster will trip and fall getting into the ring and his helmet rolls off and Ryback laughs and says "now to eat you!"  But then when Shockmaster stands up it's reveal that he is SID and he POWERBOMBS Ryback and pins him with one foot and says "do onto the MAN as he would do onto YOU but you see I AM THE MAN and I'm doing onto you before you do onto ME because yo'ure NOT the man but I'm doing it onto YOU anyway, MAN!"  Anyway!)  Michael Cole sneaks up behind Ryback and eliminates him while he's tweeting!  Cole then climbs over the top rope to eliminate himself because he's a gentleman!  Number 23 is CM Punk and he improbably eliminates everyone in the ring single-handidly rendering the entire match meaningless up until this point!  Number 24 is BAD NEWS BARRETT and he comes out on his big lifting thing and he's HIGH UP looking down on the ring and he says "The bad news?  Is that I'm just going to sit here on my crane thing until everyone else is eliminated and I'll be the winner and the worst winner since 1999 at that!"  Then TEDDY LONG comes out and says "hold on a minute, playa!  Now the rules of the Royal Rumble CLEARY state that if you're OVER the top rope you're ELIMINATED once your feet touch the floor!  Well playa, it looks to me like your crane thing is OVER the top rope and way up in the sky!  So unless you can get to the ring without your feet touching the floor you're ELIMINATED!" and does the Teddy Long shuffle!  Then Barrett looks angry and tries to JUMP to the ring but he comes up short (by thirty feet!) and lands on a huge crash mat which is hidden by CLEVER CAMERA WORK and this is so he can disappear for three months because let's face it the Bad Newz Barrett gimmick is shit and he'll come back after WrestleMania as Lock, Stock and Barret since Vince has finally seen Guy Ritchie movies and the details of that gimmick are still being worked out!  Number 25 is Seth Rollins.

Number 26 is Dean Ambrose (hmm.)  Number 27 is Alberto Del Rio.  Number 28 is Jack Swagger.  All the heels TEAM UP to destroy Punk because they don't want him dropping another pipe bomb and putting their jobs at risk!  Number 28 is Antonio Cesaro and suddenly he PUMPS UP and charges to the ring to save Punk because this is his face turn!  He gives Seth Rollins a Giant Swing with NINETY NINE revolutions (saving one hundred for WrestleMania when he takes on Fandango!) ending with swinging him right over the top!  And Punk eliminates Swagger and Del Rio with one arm each on a double clothesline!  Number 29 is Fandango and he throws DANCER DUST in Cesaro's face to blind him then eliminates himself eliminating Cesaro to set up their WrestleMania match!  Number 30 is Big E Langstrom and Cole says "there's literally no chance Big E won't win now!"  But then VICKIE GUERRERO comes out and says "excuse me!  I have decided there will be a number 31 because I have AUTHORITy here he is excuse me!" and it's BRAY WYATT because Vickie's in the Wyatt family now!  Bray eliminates Big E (Cole: "...") then he and Dean Ambrose CIRCLE around Punk SMILING and LIPPING THEIR EVIL LIPS and Bray says "guess what, Vickie has said Luke Harper and Eric Rowan will be number 32!"  Then it cuts backstage and you see Luke and Eric both lying unconscioius and a doctor says "I think they've both been given a DDT!" and JAKE THE SNAKE walks out slowly waving his snake!  But before he can make it to the ring Roman Reigns runs in through the crowd and SPEARS Punk into the top rope and the top rope SNAPS and both Punk and Reigns hit the floor and a referee says "that counts as an elimination!" then Triple H comes out and says "oh yeah, Roman Reigns is number 33 BEST FOR BUSINESS!"  Then Jake finally gets in the ring and gives Dean Ambrose a DDT but then staggers back and falls over the second rope (which is now the top rope!) and Bray Wyatt eliminates Ambrose to win(!?)...

Then "HERE COMES THE MONEY!" plays and SHANE MCMAHON comes out and says "I'm back!  I brought golf to Japan but now I'm back to do something on the WWE Network and I'm fine with this life choice and also Bray Wyatt you own't win because MY POPS doesn't wnat you main eventing WrestleMania you incest face!" and charges into the ring and gives Bray the Super Shane Spear!  And the top rope elbow which looks shit but still better than Punks!  Then KANE'S music plays and KANE comes out on the stage in a suit and says "actually Shane...I'M WINNING the Rumble!  Remember that time I shocked your balls?  This will be worse!" and his pulls his suit off and it's just one of those break apart suits sexy male strippers wear and he has his gear on underneath and he chokeslams Shane over the top (second) rope to eliminate him...then Bray Wyatt eliminates Kane because he was still in too and Brays win!  Then Bray says "I'm going after the only title that matters at WrestleMania...The Undertaker's winning streak HAHA!"

But while Bray is celebrating RANDY ORTON rides down to the ring on his bike and slides inside and throws Bray out then JOHN CENA drives down the aisle in his cop car and it crashes into the ring and bursts into flames and Cena walks through the fire!  Remember their match DIDN'T FINISH earlier on so Cena quickyl gives Orton an Attitude Adjustment over the top rope onto the flaming cop car killing Orton(!?) and says "ORTON!  ME!  YOU!  WRESTLEMANIA!  IRON MAN FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH!"  And does this mean Cena actually won the Rumble instead of Bray?  Tune in to RAW To find out!

Sounds like a great Rumble! B ack never with no Hot Newz ever seriously this is the last one ever bye!


Saturday, 6 April 2013

6/4/2013 - WrestleMania 29

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that WrestleMania is just around a corner!  WrestleManaia is that special time of the year where we get to see people like The Rock, HHH, The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar wrestle, people who are TOO IMPORTANT to wrestle any other time of the year but who GENEROUSLY agree to wrestle once a year for lots of money!  So let's all watch them and appeciate what they're doing for us then once WrestleMania is over we can stop caring about wrestling again for another year!  I'll have FULL and accurate WrestleMania spoilers in this article BUT FIRST here's my state of the wrestling address!

Why am I doing a state of wrestling address?  Because wrestling is in a state!  CM Punk was suppoed to be the chosen one and bring balance to the force (of wrestling!) but he ended up being a worse chosen one than Anakin Skywalker and Jeff Jarrett put togther!  Where's our ice cream?  It all melted WITH OUR DREAMS!  Punk just turned out to a be a FAKE WRESTLER like the rest and his shoot worked shoot promos were actually worked shoot worked shoot promos all along!  Now we're going to be stuck with CENA who only IRONIC HIPSTERS like (omg he did a hurricanrana and it looked shit but at least he did it HE'S THE NEW BENOIT WITHOUT THE MURDER) and Boring Del Rio as our champions!  And as for TNA...they probably still suck too!  And even the UFC Fight Federation is starting to suck by allowing WOMEN to fight and I'm NOT being sexist here bu tit's a FACT that women have precious bodyparts that need protected like breasts and ovaries and the clitoris so they have no business fighting each other!

Now you're all screaming at your monitors "WELL, HOT NEWZ, HOW WOULD YOU MAKE THINGS BETTER?"  Glad you asked!  Here is my FIVE POINT PLAN to make the wrestling world a world I'd want my children to live in in 2014!

1. Bring back SHANE O MAC - There's a MYTHCONCEPTION that Triple HHH is the KEWL McMahon, but how can he be when he still listens to Motorhead and sleeps with STephanie!?  That first thing hasn't been cool since the eighties and the second hasn't been cool since 1994 (just ask Randy Savage's ghost OOOOOOH YEAH!)  Shane was responsible for the Attitude Era as he was watching ECW in the gym with Pete Gas one day when he turned to Pete and said "those CATS have attitude!"  Vince was listening in (he bugged the gym because he was scared Shane would sell him out to the feds!) and ran in (he was in a van outside!) and said "I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT, SON!" and Shane said "what, cats?" and Vince said "NO YOU MOOK, ATTITUDE!"  It was also Shane's idea to leech off other cool things like SOUTH PARK (that's why Golga wrestled in a Cartman mask and said "screw you guys, I'm going home!" everytime the Oddities tagged him in, therefore losing all their matches by countout!) and actually INVENTED Chuck Norris by hiring his old kung fu teacher STEVE BLACKMAN who was so awesome that suddenly people said "hey, maybe Chuck Norris was cool too and not kind of lame and short like I thought!"  He also invented the top rope flying elbow through the announce table on Test!  Sure he made some mistakes like jobbing for Kane (Shane should have won the feud and Kane should have disappeared for six months then came back in a NEW MASK for his REAL monster push) but those punches on Randy Orton only looked bad because Shane was holding back as he knew if he punched Randy for real he could kill him!  Shane being a young man (49) will bring hip cool young ideas like possibly cross promotion with Downton Abbey!

2. FIRE all the MEN from TNA and make it a Diva's only company - Let's face it, TNA sucks.  People don't like to say it because they have some good wrestlers and put on some good matches...but it's still TNA.  It still has Bubba Ray Dudley pretending to marry Hulk Hogan's daughter.  It still has Tazz being allowed to speak on television.  It's still TNA and it still sucks and always will as long as it's TNA.  So turn it into something else!  Who here wouldn't LUV a Diva's only company with all the BEST Divas in the world!?  Not just great current TNA woman works like Tara and that girl with the ass, but also great Japanese and Mexican talent like Astonishing Kong, Aja Kong, Bullish Mechano and The Humping Bomb Angels!  They could even sign great WWE workers like LAYLA (who is being HELD DOWN), Naomi (NO OTHER DIVA has ever done a BACKWARDS LEAPFROG) and NXT's pale Paige (she's from England which means she was trained by great workers like William Regal and Big Daddy!  Plus she's only sixteen which means she has twenty years of hotness left in her!)  The worthwhile TNA men like Daniels, Kazarian, Robbie T and Sharkboy could go to WWE and the WORTHLESS men would finally disappear (not naming any names...not naming any SAMOAN names...)

3. Send The Rock to England for a year - This might sound crazy BUT LET ME EXPLAIN!!!!!!!1  First of all we ALL know The Rock gets BLOWN UP everytime he wrestles now.  It's because he's forty and has to eat steroids every morning as part of his real job as an action star.  Obviously we can't expect The Rock to stop eating steroids, so the solution is for him to wrestle ENGLAND STYLE!  You see in England they have ROUNDS in wrestling matches and every match is broken up into five minute rounds, a tradition dating back to Winston Churchill's match with Neville Chamberlain to determine the new Prime Minster!  This is to let English people have time to MAKE TEA during matches as those crazy Brits can't go five minutes without that goo!  Rock can say he's following in the footsteps of English legends like Tommy Billionham the Dynamite Cad, Finlay and Rockstar Spud and now that he's "found himself" in England he will ONLY wrestle in English style matches with five minute rounds!  This means he won't get blown up anymore as he'll be able to rest!  Rock can also act like a SNOOTY LIMEY BRIT BASTARD like they have on Donwton Abbey (see point 1)!!  Also as the Rock's real career is as an actor now he can SECRETLY TRAIN with famous English actors like Patrick Stewart, Daniel Gay Lewis, Dame Judy Dutch, Jonny Depp and Ki-Adi Mundi to become a real actor!

4. WWE should TEAM UP with NEW JAPAN - You might be asking "Hot Newz, how good can New Japan when it's all in Japanese!?"  Well I'll tell you: VERY GOOD!  In Japan wrestling is STIFF that it might as well be real!  New Japan is the HOT NEW FORCE in wrestling becasue they dsicovered that people like buying ippvs where the stream DOESN'T go down after five minutes (take note ROH!) and are now offiically the SECOND biggest comapany in the world as their last ippv did more buys then the last TEN TNA, ROH, Chikara, Dragon Gate, Respect Pro Wrestling Gorilla, CZW and Fantasy Sex Wrestling ppvs combined!  And that's even though they have a guy with short weedy arms whose finisher is a short clothesline in the main event!  WWE clearly has a lot to learn from New Japan (like how to get Harry Smith over!) but New Japan also has a lot to learn from WWE (like how to speak English!) so a team up would help both conquer THE ENTIRE WRESTLING WORLD!  That would leave only New WWE Japan and TNA Divas as the only two wrestling companies in the world which would be much less confusing for viewers and much easier on newz reporters!

5. Turn Cena Heel...FOR ADULTS - I know people will say "HOt Newz, they'll never turn Cena heel he sells loads of t-shirts and stuffed bears and Cena Chewable Vitamins to kids!"...that's why I said turn him heel FOR ADULTS, dumbass!  Back in the early nintenies Bret Hart was a HEEL in America but a FACE in Canada!  This meant WWF (as it was then known, history fans!) could sell "America Rules, Bret Smells!" shirts in America and "America Smells, Bret Rules!" shirts in Canada and all they had to do was swap two words!  This made the WWE nine million dollars a week (of course WCW was making NINETY MILLION dollars a week with the NWO at the same time!) and was a sound business move!  It's now time to do the same thing with John Cena!  All adult men HATE Cena already anyway all they have to do is have Cena cut a promo saying "you know what I want to thank MY KID FANS for all their support...but the rest of you can go POOP yourselves!" and make a fart noise!  He could then be seen visiting schools and children's hospitals and even zoos dressed in bright colors and playing with kids!  He could even have an ARMY of children follow him everywhere and come to the ring with him like Michael Jackson did!  Adult women will still cheer him due to his SEXY MUSCLES, of course, but Cena can even turn heel on them by sayig "I like kids more than I like adult women!" and hugging the kids to taunt the women!  WWE could then sell even more kiddy than before Cena merchandise to kids (he could release an album of KID RAPS about how homework sucks and whatever else kids believe in!) and ANTI-CENA merch to adults like plastic bottles to throw at him!  This could eventually lead to the ultimate adults only wresting star BATISTA returning and he could have an army of porn stars to counter Cena's army of children!  Batista could stay heel with kids by popping their balloons on the way to the ring!  WWE could even start selling Batista brand condoms to adults!  I know I'd wear them (even just for a masturwank!)


"Read My Sign While You Wait For Rock To Get His Breath Back."

"I Paid To Not See Zack Ryder."

"We're All In The 'House Of Pain' Watching Ryback v Henry!"

"If Triple H Wets Himself I'll Dry It!" - only hold this if you're a girl or a gay

"Zeb Colter Got Jimmy Wang Yang Deported!"

"SPOILER: The Rock Charges Out Of the Corner With A Clothesline."

"Chris Masters Carried A Tree To A Better Match Than This!" - to be held during any bad match (so any match on the card basically!)


WrestleMania is THIS Sunday and it's going to be bigger than Andre's cock and here are 10000 million % percent accurate spoilers I got from my top level sources so don't read if you're a pussy who doesn't like spoilers!

Wade Barrett versus The Miz - Before they're about to wrestle ANTONIO CEEZARO comss out and says "Eeeeey!  I am a champion too!  I should be on this WrestlingMania show, or at LEAST the pre show so let's turn this into a triple threat match!"  Then Miz and Barrett look at each other and NOD and Barrett gives Ceezaro the Bonesmasher Elbow right into a Skull Crushing Final from the Miz!  This is because Barrett is turning face soon and this is a tease!  Antonio is carried away on a stetcher which has "NXT" written on the bottom of it!  Then Miz and Barrett SHAKE HANDS to show they are friends but Barrett tries to turn the handshake into a Sovenierbuster Elbow (he's not a face yet!) and Miz DUCKS it and locks on a CROSSFACE CHICKENWING and Barrett taps out right away!  Then BOB BACKLUND comes out and says "young man I was so impressed by your application of the Crossface Chickenwing that I OFFICIALLY endores you!" because they're so fucking desperate to get Miz over and Miz says "thank you, MIZter Backlund!"  And if the fans are still booing Miz at this they'll definatly be cheering when MARIA MENSTRAULOS comes out and says "please cheer Miz!" because she's hotter than all the Divas thanks to her GREEK JEANS (which she's wearing!)  But will Maryse (she's back, in the front row!) be jealous!?

Brotus Clay, The Hip Hop Hippo and the Funkydyketiles versus Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bizzellas - Rhodes Scholars come out first and Shadow says "you're welcome!  As usual Team Rhodes Scholars are ONE STEP AHEAD.  You dancing PEONS might have a white guy pretending to be a Japanese guy on your team...but we've got a REAL Japanese ninja on our team!  You're wlecome!"  And out comes TAJIRI and he shoots ORANGE MIST in a kid's face to show that he's evil!  Then the Dancing Fatties come out and Brotus says "SHEAH YOU DO.  But guess what?  We have someone to counteract Tajira!  GOLDUST, GET YOUR GOLD BUTT OUT HERE!" and Goldust comes out RUBBING HIMSELF to counteract Tajiri!  But then Cody says "ha!  I knew you'd recruit my worthless brother!  That's why I recurited my former sister in law, his ex wife, I give you...MARLENA!"  Then Marlena comes out smoking a cigar and puts it out on some kid to show she's evil and Goldust starts to cry!  Then Brotus says "OH SHEAH?  We knew you'd recruit that old skank!  That's why we recruit MY FAT MOMMA to counteract her!" and his fat momma from last year with the cushion's in her butt comes out and does a fat dance!  BUT THEN suddenly she pulls out pepper spray and aims it at her own son and Damion says "you're welcome!  Splendid!  We knew you'd recruit your fat momma to counteract Marlena, so I SEDUCED her last night in BED!  Use the pepper spray now!"  Fat Momma nods...AND PEPPER SPRAYS Damian!  Brotus then says "Yeah, we KNEW you'd try to seduce my fat we had someone take her place!" and Goldust wipes off his gold makeup to reveal that he's wearing BLACKFACE underneath and he says "I faked every orgasm!"  Then Noami gives the Bella with no breast implants the Space Flying Tiger Drop for the three.

Big Show, Randy Orton and Shameus versus The Shield - Big Show, Orton and Shameus are KICKING ASS until PAGIE from NXT comes out wearing a leather jacket!  And Sheamus says "Och, what are YE doing here, LITTLE SISTER!?"  (They're both pale so they must be related!)  Then Paige says "THIS!" and pulls her leather jacket off but it's not her breasts that are underneath it's somethign even more shocking: a The Shield T-Shirt!  Then Ambrose rolls up Sheameus for the win!  Then Pagie says "That's BLOODY WELL RIGHT, you sodding WANKER!  I've been with ALL THREE of the Shield doing some worldclass SHAGGING and you can't compete with that, brother, because that would be incest!"  Then Randy Orton RAISES AN EYEBROW because he's getting an idea and his storyline for the next three months is attempting to turn Paige against the Shield by shagging her rotten!

P Diddy comes out of a special trapdoor (this will be IMPORTANT LATER!) and sings the WrestleMania song and does the P Diddy shuffle!

Chris Jericho versus Fandamndo - Fandango ORDERS Jericho to say his name correctly and Jericho DOES and Fandango looks shocked and while he looks shocked Jericho quickly goes to give him the Codebreaker...but Fandango reverses it into a flajack!  Then he grabs the mic and says "Ha!  I KNEW that Jericho was planning to finally say my name right so that I would be surprised and he could give me a codebreak, so I worked out that I could counter a Codebreaker into a flapjack!" and does a dance!  Then Jericho schoolboys him for the win.

Team Hell No versus Dolph Ziggler and Biggy Langstrom - Team Hell No win when Kane pins Ziggler CLEAN with the chokeslam!  But then Ziggler kicks Kane in the balls and hits Bryan over the head with the Money In The Bank Briefcase and says "You know what?  I'm CASHING IN my money in the bank RIGHT NOW!  It gives me a shot at a WORLD TITLE...and the Tag titles ARE world titles!" and he pins Bryan (pulling the tights!) to win the belts for him and the other guy!  Then JR says "BAH GAWD, WHAT A SMART MOVE BY ZIGGLER, HE'S RIGHT, THE TAG TITLES ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE WORLD TITLE!"  Then he looks a tthe King and they both start LAUGHING because no one could believe that shit!

Ryback versus Mark Henry - They do an extra long and dramatic TEST OF STRENGTH for five minutes!  This is NOT because both men SUCK and can't do anythig else, it's because there are actually HIDDEN WIRES attached to Henry's back so he can't take any bumps are move around much!  The hidden wires are because of that time Ryback tried to give Tensai the Shellshook live on RAW and couldn't get him up!  Ryback pulls Henry right out of the test of strength into the Shellshock (with help from TEN MEN hidden in the rafters pulling on the invisible wires!) and gets the three!  Then afterwars Mark Henry looks sad in the ring and stands around looking sad and the fans start to give him a standing ovation because they've figured out that he's about to announce his retirment and Henry grabs the mic and says "it is with regret that I'd like to announce...that MANY MORE FOOLS will be entering the HOUSE OF PAIN, I AIN'T RETIRING EVER!" and this gets an even BIGGER standing ovation!

Alberto Del Rio versus Jack Swagger - Alberto is dominating with moves he stole from Carlito until Zeb hits the ref with a tea kettle and KURT ANGLE'S MUSIC plays!  Del Rio looks around confused and then THE PATRIOT comes out except he's taller and more muscular!  ANd JR says "I REMEMBER THAT MUSIC, IT WAS USED BY THE PATRIOT!" to explain to younger fans!  The Patriot says "you have been a BAD AMERICA!" and acts like he's about to hit Swagger when suddenly he grabs Del RIo in a full nelson and gives him UNCLE SLAM!  And Swagger wins the title.  Then The Patriot rips off his mask to reveal CHRIS MASTERS and he says "yeah, that's right, after I ripped that tree out of the ground I found out tha tthe man holding my mother prisoner WAS A MEXICAN.  So I'm BACK with UNCLE MASTERLOCK SLAM to fight for Patriotism and fight against trees and Mexicans!" and gives Ricardo an Uncle Masterlock Slam!

Triple H versus Brock Lesnar NO DQ HARDCORE STREET MATCH - Triple H comes out (with a confused Motorhead kind of playing his theme and vaguely singing the lyrics, unaware of where they even are) with a SLEDGEHAMMER taped to EACH arm!  That's two sledgehammers!  Lesnar comes out with BIKER CHAINS wrapped around both arms AND around both legs, giving him the tactical advantage!  They BATTER each other with their arms for a while until Triple H hits Lesnar in the ear with the sledgehammer six times, knocking him down!  But Lesnar uses his biker chain legs to kick Triple H in the quad a few times and HHH rolls under the ring...and comes back out with BARBED WIRE wrapped around the top of his sledgehammer arms!  Triple H punches Lesnar in the gut with a barbed wire sledgehammer and Lesnar PUKES right in the middle of the ring because he has gut problems remember!  But Triple H SLIPS on the puke and hits his head on a steel chair on the way down!  This allows Lesnar to bring in a chair wrapped in barbed wire and hit HHH in the back and quads with it 28 times!  But TRiple H comes back with a punch to the BALLS with the barbed wire sledgehammer then pedigrees him on the barbed wire chair!  Triple H knows this won't get the win so he drags Lesnar out of the ring to give him a pedigree through the announce table but Lesnar REVERES to an F5 through TWO announce tables!  Lesnar knows that won't be enough for the win though and spreads THUMBTACKS all over the ring and gives Triple H five belly to belly suplexs on the tacks...but then runs into a spinerbuster on the tacks!   HHH then wraps Lesnar in barbed wire and gives him a spinebuster on the tacks with the barbed wire still around him!   HHH knows that won't get the job done however so he lights one of his barbed wire sledgehammer fists on fire...but Lesnar BREAKS his other arm with a kamura!  Heyman then rolls a STEEL TABLE into the ring and Lesnar prepares to F5 Hunter onto it but as he's swinging HHH in mid air HHH hits him in the back of the head with his flaming slegehammer fist (it's EXTRA BURNY FIRE!)  Then he goes for the pedigree on top of the steel table but Lesnar backdrops him all the way from there to the floor and Heyman pulls the mat at the right moment and HHH lands on concrete!  Lesnar then goes for a Shooting Star Press from the top rope to HHH who is lying on the concrete, but HHH rolls out of the way and Lesnar lands GUT FIRST on the concrete and VOMITS again and the vomit goes straight up twenty feet in the air and lands back in Lesnar's throat and he chokes!  But when HHH picks him up Lesnar surprises him with a quick F5 through the concrete!  But when Lesnar tries to pick HHH up HHH susprises HIM with a quick pedigree onto Lilian Garcia!  Both men are exhausted at last and STRUGGLE up and Lesnar picks up the steps and CHARGES at HHH but HHH pulls a GIGANTIC STEEL SLEDGEHAMMER out from underneath Lilian's body and they hit each other AT THE SAME TIME!  The referee is about to count them both down but they both get up at nine!  Paul Heyman smashes A GIGANTIC CELL PHONE over HHH's head knocking him out and the match looks over until VINCE MCMAHON marches out, his hip completely healed, gives Heyman a bodyslam (JR: "BAH GAWD IT'S WRESTLEMANIA 3 ALL OVER AGAIN!") then FLIPS LESNAR THE BIRD and gives him THE STONE COLD STUNNER and Lesnar does a backflip selling it like The Rock selling for Austin!  Obviously no one can get up from that and HHH gets the pin!

The Undertaker versus CM Punk - CM Punk come out cradling the Urn and it's glowing RED like BLOOD now and Punk has a new tattoo of SATAN on his back (Ned Flanders version of Satan,of course!)  Then Punk says "last night I took the virginity of a seventeen year old girl!  Don't worry, it was legal in the state I was in...BUT BARELY!  Then me and the girl sacrificed A GOAT in front of the urn and filled the urn with goat blood and NOW I have access to ALL The Undertaker's powers HAHAHAH PIPE BOMB!"  And rolls his eyes back in his head like only The Undertaker can do!  Then Undertaker comes out for his entrace but he's SHAKEY and has to be supported by DRUIDS on the way to the ring!  Then Undertaker gives Punk a chokeslam right away but Punk does a ZOMBIE SIT-UP then grabs Undertaker's arm and does the OLD SCHOOL ropewalk (instead of shouting "old school!" he shouts "Fantastic Four Rule!") to show that he has access to ALL of Undertaker's powers!  Then Punk holds Undertaker in the Hell's Gate for TEN MINUTES as JR says "BAH GAWD IN SWEET HEAVEN THE STREAK IS ENDING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES.  BUT NOT JUST THE STREAK, BAH GAWD IT'S AS IF HOPE IS ENDING, IT'S AS IF EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD FOR ANY GOD-FEARING CHRISTIAN IS DYING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!"  Just as the referee is about to drop Punk's hand for a third time the lights go out and PAUL BEARER'S VOICE says "OOOOOH, YESSSS!"  Then when the lights come back on the Urn is glowing GREEN and JR says "GREEN!  THE COLOUR OF THE UNDERTAKER!  WHAT MUST HAVE HAPPENED IS THAT PAUL BEARER'S GHOST HAS POSSESSED THE URN AND GIVEN ITS POWER BACK TO THE UNDERTAKER!" and Lawler says "makes sense!"  Then when Punk tries to pick up the Urn it BURNS HIS HANDS and he staggers around saying "oww, my hands have been burnt!" until he stumbles right into the hands of the The Undertaker who gives him a chokeslam (he can't do a tombstone anymore because both his knees are broken!) for the win!

The Rock versus John Cena - Before the match ZACH RYDER is shown on the front row (sitting next to Maryse!) holding a sign that reads "at least I'm on the show, bro!"  Since everyone IN THE WORLD knows The Rock is going to get blown up they do FOUR double clothesline knockout spots to give the Rock time to rest!  And they're all exciting double clotheslines becaseu they're running in different directions each time!  Then finally Rock looks Cena in a deadly bearhug (a callback to Cena using that exciting move on Rock last year!) until suddenly CM PUNK comes out through P Diddy's special trap door holding a special microphone which has been designed to look like a pipe bomb!  Punk says "So this is your main event, a man hugging another man.  Wouldn't you much rather see fresh young talent like Tyson Kidd, Evan Air Bourne and even Zach Ryder here in the main event?  They cancelled Z True Long Island Story to pay Rock's fee!"  Then Ryder grabs the pipe bomb and says "Dude, bro, seriously bro, I'm just happy to be on the show, bro, wooo wooo broo!"  And Punk looks angry and GRABS RYDER'S SIGN from him like he's going to tear it up but Rock sticks his head out of the ring to stop this (what a hero!) but Punk hits Rock with the sign and it makes a METALLIC THUD and Rock is knocked out!  Ryder and Punk then SMILE EVILY and Punk teras the sign open to reveal a STOP SIGN inside except instead of saying "STOP" it says "ROCK" with a line through it!  Thne Cena gets the in and looks CONFLICTED and can he live with himself tune into RAW to find out!

What a WrestleMania it's going to be!  Back next year with more WrestleMania spoilerers see you then follow me on TWITTER!


Tuesday, 6 November 2012


OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that the RAW ratings are in the toilet!  They haven't quite been flushed all the way down the toilet yet, but they will be soon!  The ONLY way ratings could POSSIBLY turn round is if Vince McMahon gives me a hundred million dollars and freedom to book both RAW and Smackdown, says "go nuts, kid!" then runs off into the night to give Linda a sympothy bone after she loses elction!  So I'm going to PRETEND that has really happened and here is how I would have booked the RAW and Smackdown after Hell in a Cell if I had a hundred million dollars to hire new talent and celebrity guests and total freedom and I think you'll agree the ratings would climb all the way out of the toilet and end up hovering quite far ABOVE the toilet!

The show starts with VICKIE GUERRERO alread in the ring (having the show start with someone walking to the ring is BORING and WASTES TIME) and she says "excuse me!" but after six seconds (the longest time possible to show Vickie without viewers changing channel!) THE GLASS SMASHES and Old Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out!  He grabs the mic and says "OH HELL YEAH, WHAT!  Old Stone Cold is BACK as the new GM of RAW!  THat's right, Vickie, Vince said to tell you you're fired!  What have you go to say about that?"  Then before Vickie can reply Austin gives her a Stunner(!) and says "DTA YOU PIECE OF CRAP!" because violence against women is BACK and it never should have gone away!  Then Austin says "Now Ryback, you piece of trash, I heard you have something to say, you piece of garbage, so bring your bald head out here RIGHT NOW you piece of trashbage!"  Then Ryback comes out GROWLING and grabs the mic and says "FEED.  ME.  PUNK."  Then Austin says "I'd love to feed you Punk you piece of trash, he's a piece of trash, but he hasn't shown up tonight!  And if he don't show up he will LOSE his title BY FORFEIT because tonight he's going to defend in a special FIFTEEN MAN ROYAL RUMBLE the piece of garabage!"  Then Austin stuns RYBACK to show how UNPREDICTABLE he is and says "you ain't Goldberg because these people say you are, you suck BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!"

MEANWHILE we see GRAINY FOOTAGE of CM Punk in a DESERT with his car broken down!   Punk says "Yeah, tha'ts right, someone SABOTAGED my car so I can't get to RAW and defend my title!  It's a conspiracy!  Luckily I've got Colt Cacameraman here to document the whole thing!"  Then Colt turns the camera on himself and says "thaaaanks!" in that really obnoxious way he always says it in the Art Of Wreslting podcast!

LAYLA is shown having a BUBBLE BATH backstage and she says cryptically "you know, some people say I'm the REAL Black Widow!"  This is to set up a match between her and Scarlett Johansson at WrestleMania if Marvel accept my offer (all of the 100 million I haven't spent by the end of this show!)

JERRY THE KING LAWYER comes out to a big pop BUT BEFORE he can speak and before the crowd can give him a ten minute standing ovation (which they would because he deserves it but it would make boring tv!), DOLPH ZIGGLER interrupts!  Ziggler says "yeah yeah, it's great that you no sold that heart attack, but what about me!  What about the Zig-Zag Man!  I'm a young guy with MONEY IN THE BANK and you don't see me getting no ten minute standing ovation!"  Then Lawler says "you know what Ziggler I've seen you come out here every week saying you're the best but how about you prove it by putting your Money In The Bank briefcase on the line against ME right THIS MINUTE NOW!"  Then Ziggler says "yes!" and runs right at Lawler but flips himself forward into a piledriver position and Lawler slowly sits down on his butt giving Ziggler a piledriver (we don't want Lalwer injured!) and getting the win in four seconds!  This is to set up Lawler challenging for the title at WrestleMania in a FEELGOOD MOMENT (he'll still lose though!) and don't worry about Ziggler he'll get all his heat back on Smackdown AND MORE.

Next up, THE MIZ hits the ring and says "yeah, I'm not SCHEDULED to be here right now, but I don't give a crap!  I've just found out that I'm not going to be part of the fifteen man Royal Rumble tonight!  Really?  FOR REALSIES?  It's obvious that Stone Cold doesn't want a HANDSOME REALITY STAR as the champion!"  Miz is then interrupted by "WOOOOO!" and RIC FLAIR'S MUSIC which is followed by RIC FLAIR hitting the ring (with an elbow drop!)  Flair then grabs the mic from Miz and says "WOOOOO!" (as Flair's an insane old man now I'm banning him from cutting proper promos and he'll only be allowed to say two things: "WOOOOO" and "can dance all night long"!) then hands Miz a BROWN ENVELOPE!  Miz looks at the envelope (without opening it!) NODS and JR says "COULD THIS BE HORSEMAN RELATED FOLKS?"  This is the start of a new MYSTERY ANGLE that will turn ratings around and I haven't actually decided how it will end yet but it will be great!

MEANWHILE Punk is shown racing to the arena in a STOLEN POLICE CAR and Cabana says "can I turn on the siren, can I?  PLEASE?" and Punk says "no" which is an attempt to recreat the "Tomko give me a beat"/"no" incident which we all remember!

Next up it's finally time for a match The Three Man Band Baby versus Epico, Primo (NOW FACES) and the return of ALEX RILEY who is wearing a SCARF like he's a European and he grabs the mic and says "I might be wearing  a scarf but I'm more of a MAN than you three!"  This is to set up that he's actually GAY and he'll be the first GAY FACE in the history of wrestling (Evan Bourne's inured!)  3MB win with their new finisher THE GUITAR PICK (double hiptoss into a Drew McIntyre powerbomb) because I'm pushing them to keep the smarks happy and Drew most of all then Drew says "Tiffany, I've got someone MUCH HOTTER than you now!" and the HOT GINGER GIRL Karen Gillan from DOCTOR WHO comes out and MAKES OUT WITH HIM (I'm sure she'll agree to do it since I've got a hundred mill to spend and the BBC is a socialist company that probably pays literally nothing!  And they're both Scotlandish so they must know each other!)

HOWARD FINKEL is wheeled out to the ring (he's too fat to walk under his own power, but the fans still love him!) and says "it is now time for the fifteen man ROYAL RUMBLE match!  Here is the individual that drew NUMBER ONE!  And John Cena's old WORD LYFE music plays becuase he's number one and he's back to being a raper and here's his rap!

Yo yo yo yo YO, back to the old, sick of the new,
Going to run you over like you're Steve Austin and I'm Rikish Phatu!
People say I got stale, that I ain't go the touch,
People I'll make you humble, like Iron Sheik with a Camel Clutch!
And yeah I went to AJ's hotel room, where I ate more than a dish,
But I'm not a bad guy, do lots of work for Make A Wish!
I'm saying we had oral sex, if you didn't get it or if my rapping's hit the skids,
Never going to turn heel because I sell loads of merchandise to the kids!

I'm sure you'll agree all the grown men fans will love Cena again after this!  Number two in the Royal Rumble is David Otunga and Cena EFFORTLESSLY flips him out of the ring with the FU (it's back!) right away then yawns and looks at his watch to show his new attitude!  Number three is VAL VENIS in a surprise appearance to get "Val Venis" trending on Twitter and attract older fans back (a can't fail strategy!) and he says "Hello Ladies, heh heh heh!  You know something?  The Big Valbogus is a lot like George Lucas!  You konw, I made some movies.  Made some money.  And when women see MY lightsaber they scream "NOOOOOOOO!" like Darth Vader...because it's so big!  And after I win this Royal Rumble?  I'm going to Disney World!"  Then Cena clotheslines him out right away.  Number four is DANIEL BRYAN and he and Cena recreate that match they had on Velocity in 2003 move for move!  Number five is KANE and he and Bryan spend the full two minutes saying "I'm the tag team champions!" because it NEVER GETS OLD!

Number six is DOCTOR SHELBY (he's back!) who has entered himself to talk some sense into Kane and Daniel...but they end up TRIPLE TEAMING Cena once he does!  Number seven is the Apesex Predator RANDY ORTON who comes out wearing a Smackdown t-shirt as part of an ongoing feud between the two brands that will be ongoing!  Number eight is MIchael McGillicutty as a WILD CARD to show that anyone has a chance of winning (he's eliminated by Cena right away for realism.)  Number nine is KEVIN NASH who Jackknives Daniel Bryan over the top rope to the floor to rile up smarks!  Number ten is Brotus Clay who eliminates Nash because he's getting a big push now and Naomi does guest commentary and says "i'm going for the Divas championship on Smackdown!" to set that up!  Cole then makes a joke saying they can't let Cameron on commentary BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A CAR CRASH and JR says "did she BRIBE you to say that!" then they high five!

Number eleven is BROCK LESNAR because I'm burning out all his contractual appearances for short term gains!  He eliminates Nash, Kane AND Doctor Shelby all at once to show how tough he is!  Number twelve is SETH ROLLINS from NXT to MIX THINGS UP!  Number thirteen is Albert Del Rio and he eliminates Seth Rolls AND HIMSELF with a crossbody and then puts Seth Rollins in an armbar on the floor...this doesn't mean I'm putting Rollins on the main roster, I'm actually putting Del Rio on NXT to make him respect me (he's notorious for not respecting new bookers!)  Number fourteen is RYBACK who eliminates Clay and Orton with a DOUBLE MEATHOOK CLOTHESLINE right away then has a TENSE STAREDOWN with Brock...but before they can go at it (have to save that for WrestleMania!) CENA jumps in between them and is all "aww, shucks, aren't I adorkable!"  So they rip his legs off (not literally...unless we can get FAKE LEGS for Cena to wear!?)  Then everyone stops in shock as SCOTTY TOO HOTTY'S music plays and he's the final entrat at fifteen(!?) but just as he starts to dance down the asile CM PUNK drives up in that stolen cop car and RUNS HIM OVER then says "I'm here and I'm in the Rumble!" and Colt says "!" and Punk drives the cop car right into the side of the ring!  Colt eliinates CENA with a HIGH KNEE and LESNAR with a DOUBLE HIGH KNEE then puts Ryback in a choke hanging over the ropes like Benoit did to Big Show to eliminate him from Royal Rumble 2004 (JR: "I've never seen this move before, folks!") and he nearly has Ryback out...

...when STONE COLD'S music plays and Austin comes out and says "oh hell yeah you piece of trash this is a sixteen man Royal Rumble you piece of garbage and I am the sixteenth man oh hell yeah!" then just reaches up from the floor and pulls Punk out to eliminate him!  Then pulls a BRIEFCASE out from under the ring and his Punk with it and Punk blades!  Then Austin gets in the ring and faces off with Ryback...and says "I respect you, feedmemoreman!" and steps over the top rope himself to give Ryback the win!  Then Austin says "OH HELL YEAH it was a set up all along and all you pieces of garbage trash fell for it, you think old Stone Cold became a millionaire by not selling out, old Stone Cold sold out years ago and now Ryback is the new CORPORATE Ryback to deal with rebel scum like Punk oh hell yeah!" and he pulls a SUIT out of the briefcase and Ryback puts it on and says "ME CORPORATE NOW RRRRRRRR!"  (By the way, Punk's a face now!)

So now it's on to Smackdown and I know what you're thinking you're thinking "OMG Hot Newz how can you top RAW unless Layla's in the bubble bath again and this time there's no bubbles!?" well you're about to find out!

The show starts wtih Booker T in the ring doing a spinaroonie to show he's a fun GM when suddenly STONE COLD comes out and says "Booker T, the board of director's have told old Stone Cold to appoint a new CO GM to Smackdown because you're obviously an Obama voter and we need a Romney voter as well to keep thing's fair and here is that new GM!"  Then "JACK ONE TWO" plays and JACK SWAGGERS comes out and says "I am an ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN right down to my GUTS and if you don't believe it then watch me SPIT OUT red white and blue!" then sprays RED WHITE AND BLUE MIST into Booker's eyes!  Then Booker is staggering around blind and DOLPH ZIGGLER jumps out of the crow and gives him a Zig Zag and Swagger smiles and says "thank you for taking care of that problem OLD FRIEND you will have a title match with Big Show tonight as your reward!"

Justin Gabriel versus Rey Mysterio - They have a TWENTY MINUTE CLASSIC like used to happen on THUNDER back in the day and just as Rey is about to hit the 619, SIN CARA kicks him in the head and Justin wins but then looks confused and Sin Cara smiles then RIPS HIS MASK OFF revealing DAMIEN SUNDOWN underneath and he says "truely my intellectual plan to steal Sin Cara's mask then kick Rey in the head has paid off handsomely!"  This is the start of a long intellectual fued between Rey and Damien which will end at WM (Cody and Sin Cara are being released to save money!)

Eva Torres versus Naomi - Naomi dominates with SUPER ATHLETIC moves because she's a super athlete and wins the Diva's title with her finisher: the top rope 1080 splash!  Then KAITLYN comes out and says "Eve, I've finally found who the blonde woman working with you was that took me out.  It...was...ME!" then smiles evily and gives Naomi a clothesline and an inverted death valley driver onto two chairs!  Then Eve smiles sexily at Kaitlyn and this is of course the start of a lesbian angle!

WADE BARRETT comes out to the ring and says "alroight mate, Randy Orton, you plonker, I challenge you to come out 'ere right now and fight me ENGLISH STYLE you jammy dodger!"  Then Orton comes out and they have a HARD HITTING BRAWL until Orton traps Barett in the ropes!  Then Orton says "you know what I'm sick of you being English and getting in my business so my little friend is going to take care of you and you'll know why they call me THE VIPER!" and he pulls a VIPER out from under the ring(!) and it's going to bite Barrett on the arm like Jake the Snake did to Macho Man before they both died, and Barrett closes his eyes in FEAR and says "oh please no!" then Orton winks and SANTINO rolls into the ring with the COBRA on his hand and bites Barrett with it but Barrett still has his eyes closed and thinks it's the viper and pees himself!  Then Orton and Santino do a jumping high five!  This is to set up Barrett returning to England for six weeks to find himself and he'll record videos with many English celebrities such as Piers Morgan, The Spice Girls, 1 Direction, Captain Picard, Prince Harry (a big fan!) and Bono!

Dolph Ziggler comes back out to the ring holding NOTES but then TEARS UP the notes!  Ziggler says "you know what, Jack Swagger gave me some notes on things I should say out here, but I just tore those notes up and I'm not going to say those things!  I'm sick of being Jack Swagger's assistant after an hour in the job!  I'm sick of not being able to tell YOU GREAT FANS (he's turned face!) how much your support means to me!  And by the way, on RAW I said if Jerry Lawler beats me he can have the money in the bank briefcase...but I kept the CONTRACT THAT WAS INSIDE!" and he pulls the Money In The Bank contract out of his pants!  "That's right, I don't need a handout from Jack Swagger, I'll be challenging Big Show tonight but I EARNED it myself by deceiving Jerry Lawler!"  ANd the fans go wild!

TRIPLE H comes out to the ring and says "you know what I was sitting at home with Stephanie on Monday, thinking about how hot she is, when I saw Brock Lesnar in the Royal Rumble and my bloor boiled which was painful because it was flowing in a certain direction from thinking about Stephanie if you know what I mean!  Brock, at Survivor Series, I challenge you to take me on in a SURVIVAL MATCH (where the ring has NO ROPES!)  Then Brock appears via saturnlitte to save money and appearances (I've changed my mind since booking RAW!) and says "JUST BRING IT!"  Then HHH says "oh and by the way I hired a special SENSAI to train me for this match and his name...IS THE LETHAL WEAPON STEVE BLACKMAN!" and Blackman pops up from under the ring and says "it's party time!" and Lesnar's eyes bug out like a cartoon!

Ric Flair approaches David Otunga with a BROWN ENVELOPE backstage but when Otunga reaches for it Flair PULLS IT AWAY and runs it through his hair and says "wooooo!" to add to the mystery angle!

Thirty minutes of RAW highlights!

Now it's time for the main event of Big Show defending against Dolph Ziggler and Show dominates with chops and hiptosses and hit's the knockout punch...and Ziggler kicks out!  Zinggle comes back with a superkick to the knee, then one to the chest, then THREE to the face and is about to win...when SHEAMUS hits him with a Brogue Kick and Big Show gets the pin (it was a no DQ match!)  Then Show says "hahaha, fella, I realised after Big Show knocked me out that he is my MASTER now, fella!" and SHAKES HANDS with Big Show!  This is to set up Ziggle recruiting THE UNDERTAKER to help him take out Show and Sheamus (Undertaker won't wrestle because he has no knees or hips now, he'll just stand in Ziggler's corner on crutches saying "you can do it, kid!" from time to time.)

Backstage Jack Swagger says "great show but I'm bursting for a pee!" and runs into the bathroom...where LAYLA is still in the bubble bath and Swagger says "someone get me a pin to burst all the bubbles!" and winks to the camera!

No one can deny that these shows would turn the ratings around!  Back never with nothing!  Follow me on TWITTER!