The WWE Network is finally lunching! The Network will only cost ten bucks a month which is so cheap that even JTG will be able to afford it! EVERY wrestling match EVER except those from TNA, ROH, New Japan, All Japan and Nazi Japan (a short-lived fed in the mid nineties owned by Dick Togo that Sabu wrestled for!) will be avaiable to watch AT ANY TIME and the servers will never crash once, not even when a million people try to watch WrestleMania at the same time! Best of all the Network will include CHRIS BENOIT matches and finally we can go back and rediscover the fact that he did far too many German suplexes towards the end of his career!
Katilyn has been released! Katilin was one of the finest, most sexiest, Divas around but she REFUSED to go on Total Divas and show her private life (which since we know nothing about it, I can only assume involved LESBIANISM!) so Triple H told her to get the F out (he fired her!) You might also be wondering where the lovely Layla is! Layla was actually released from HER contract six months ago when she turned 36 and Vince said "CHRIST THAT'S OLDER THAN LINDA WAS THE LAST TIME I BANGED HER" but she was made to sign a ONE YEAR no compete clause because Vince knew that even a 36 year old Layla in TNA could turn the ratings around! So there's just six months to go before we find out if a 37 year old Layla in TNA can turn the ratings around (spoiler: she can't!)
Now it's time for my FULL and exclusive Royal Rumble spoilers!
The Big Show versus Brock Lesnar - Lesnar does a belly to belly suplex so Cole can say "I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DO THAT TO THE BIG SHOW BEFORE" even though Lesnar did it eleven years ago! Big Show makes a comeback by hiptossing Lesnar (Cole: "NEVER BEFORE...") and he goes for the knockout punch but Lesnar DUCKS and Show punches the turnbuckle hurts his fist and Lesnar rolls him up with his feet on the ropes for the pin! Then Heyman sneakily removes a GOLD BAR he'd hidden in the turnbuckle knowing Show would accidentally punch it! Then Heyman says "as Brock Lesnar qualified for the Royal Rumble eleven years ago by beating the Big Show in a match if you remember, we have decided that Brock Lesnar will AGAIN be in the Royal Rumble THIS YEAR and by that I mean he's going to be in tonight's Rumble match!" and Lesnar says "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Daniel Bryan versus Bray Wyatt - Bryan wins in four seconds with a RUNNING SMALLPACKAGE! Wyatt then smiles and pulls a cellphone out from between his buttcheeks (eww!) and says "I'm putting the call in. I need you to take the TRASH out tonight!"
Backstage Kane is GLOATING to his OLD FRIEND Daniel Bryan that CM Punk is going to be number one in the Royal Rumble, while Bryan draws HIS number out of a big tumblr and Bryan looks at his number and SMILES then Kane looks at it and SMILES too but then AJ Lee runs up and starts CHEST SLAPPING them both like a girl crying "neither of you were as good in bed as CM!" But this is just a distraction because you see Punk SNEAK UP and SWAP his number with Bryan's then he walks away LAUGHING to himself and Bryan and Kane grab AJ and pick her up and carry her away(!?) and Bryan says "It's time AJ experienced some DOUBLE TEAMING!"
John Cena veruss Randy Orton in a NO COUNT OUT NO TIME LIMIT match - Lilian says the "NO COUNT OUT NO TIME LIMIT" part really loudly so that teh rubes understand! They have an EXCITING 30 minute matches where they each hit all their moves and the other guy kicks out! Then finally Orton gets bored and RUNS AWAY up the aisle but Cena RUNS AFTER HIM and you see Randy jump on a MOTORBIKE and ride away! Then Cena fins the only car is a cop car so he drags the cop out of it and says "officer, I have the utmost respect for you and the law!" and gives the cop an AA on the floor and donut powder flies everywhere! Cena then stealst he cop car and chases after Orton! This is important later!
Backstage again we see Kane and Bryan EATING POPCORN watching as THE BELLA TWINS practice double team moves on AJ! It wasn't rape after all!
Royal Rumble Match - Number 1 is Daniel Bryan who gets the whole crowd chanting "yes!" in the way he does! Number 2 is Santino Marella who is BACK and he kicks Bryan's ass for two minutes with fireman's carries and hiptosses until Bryan dropkicks him out the ring! Then Michael Cole says "hey, I'm going to get a selfie with Santino while he's out here!" and jumps in front of him but Santino REFUSES THE SELFIE! This is the start of Santino's heel turn (only a heel could refuse a selfie!) and he will be the evil Italian foreign heel Hulk Hogan faces at WrestleMania! For number 3 THE WYATT FAMILY MUSIC plays and Daniel Bryan stares INTENSELY down the aisle but then the lights come back in and DUKE THE DUMPSTER DROESE (because Bryan looked like him when he was in his Wyatt overalls okay that's the joke) is standing in the ring and he hits Bryan with a garbage can and Bryan goes flying over the top rope! Then he empties the garbage on Bryan and it's pig shit! Then the fans groan and you hear Vince McMahon's voice speaking over Cole's headset and he says "we booked him to eliminate a big star like Santino but the fans still don't care about him! I give up on Daniel Bryan!" Don't worry though because this is a SPORKED SHOOT and Bryan will turn heel and join the Wyatt's (again!) and be in Bray's corner when Bray wrestles The Undertaker at WrestleMania (no Bryan match on the card obviously!) but will turn face AGAIN when he raises Undertaker's hand in victory after the match and Undertaker fist bumps him to give him THE RUB! Number 4 is The Miz. Number 5 is Dolph Ziggler and he dropkicks the Dumpster out to a MIXED reaction because even though the fans are angry at the Dumpster for eliminating Daniel Bryan they still think he's kind of cool!
Number 6 is Kofi Kingston and Dolph backdrops him out right away just to get the Kofi Spot over with but Kofi HOVERS in mid air with his feet not touching the ground and just stands there LEVITATING above the floor! Kofi then jumps back onto the apron and BACKDROPS Dolph out and there's a loud SHATTERING as Dolph crashes through the GLASS TABLE Kofi set up outside the ring to do his magician spot! Dolph then BLADES HIS BACK but it's not shown on camera of course but the fans in the arena see it to create a BUZZ about Dolph's bleeding back which will be the talk of the internet! Number 7 is Goldust. Number 8 is An Uso. Number 9 is THE REAL SIN CARA who had a special contract that says he must compete in the Royal Rumble even if he's been replaced by a new Sin Cara! And he doesn't give a fuck anymore and he comes out smoking a cigarette and he pulls his mask off and he has a HITLER MOUSTACHE on underneath because he's trying to ruin the Rumble by being naughty! Number 10 is Brotus Clay and he POPS A KIDS'S BALLOON on the way to the ring to prove how evil he is, but JBL shouts "you stole that from Big Bully Busick!" so he SPITS IN JBL'S COWBOY HAT as revenge! Thne the next day on WWE.com it is announced that Brotus has been fined fifty thousand dollars for spitting because that's not PG!
Number 11 is Curtis Axel who comes out carrying a mysterious sceptre in a storyline that will be explained in the weeks to come! Number 12 is THE ANIMAN BATISTA and he gives EVeryoNe a spinebuster starting with The Miz! He STACKS FOOLS UP with spinebusters so that eventually everyone is lying in a pile with Miz on the bottom and an Uso on top! Batista then goes outside the ring and starts to LIFT the ring on one side to TIP the ring over so that the pile of spinebusted fools will TOPPLE and they'll all fall over the top rope and be eliminated! He's practical! But then BROCK LESNAR comes crashing through the barricade shattering it at knee level and right into a chopblock (a chopBROCK!?) on Batista's knee! Brock then puts The Kimura on Batista's leg and you hear his leg POP and it's broken and Batista is carried away on FOUR stretchers because he's so big! Can Batista recover in time to have a disappointing match with Brock at Wrestlemania? I hope so! Number 13 Brock's music plays because he was number 13! Lesnar starts picking up fools off the top of the stack of fools, starting with An Uso, and giving them F-5's over the top rope! He eliminates An Uso, Brotus, Curtis Axel, Goldust, Kofi and The Real Sin Cara (who NO SELLS the F5 when he is eliminated because he's still shooting and runs off through the crowd high fiving the men and making out with the women!) Before he can eliminate Miz it's time for number 14 and there's the sound of a lear jet landing(!?) and "did you smell what the Rock was cooking?" (his new theme!) plays and THE ROCK sprints down to the ring and backdrops Lesnar out and grabs a mic and says "WE ARE LIVE! Brock! You! Me! WrestleMania! Next year! I'm too damn busy this year! 2015! See you then! Paul Walker, The Rock loves you!" then jumps over the top rope and runs backstage again and you hear his jet taking off! Number 15 is Xavier Woods and the Miz puts him in a figure four for two minutes!
Number 16 is R TRUTH and he's carrying a Funkadactyl on each arm! He unties Woods from the figure four and says "damn, your leg is too hurt for you to dance!" and Miz says "aww, shucks, if i'd known my figure four would have hurt your dancing I never would have done it!" and Truth says "I guess Miz will just have to step in!" and Miz says "okay, Ron!" and Truth says "don't use my real name, MIKE!" and Miz says "Haha, you got me there, bro!" and Woods says "what the fuck are you two talking about?" Number 17 is SCOTT 2 HOTTY in one of those surprise appearances no one cares about five minutes later and he gives shades to Truth, Miz and Woods and all GET JIGGY WITH IT (Woods dances sitting down!) for two minutes! Number 18 is an Uso. Dancing. Number 19 is Damien Shadow and he won't stand for any CHILDISH dancing and he eliminates Scotty 2 Hotty to get massive heat from people who care about Scotty 2 Hotty (so from EVERYOENE then since the five minutes aren't up yet! Number 20 is Cody Rhodes and him and Damien go at it to remind everyone of their epic feud!
Number 21 is Michael Cole and he explains "I entered myself in the Rumble so I could take a selfie of myself in the Rumble!" He gets in the ring and takes a selfie with everyone in the ring and they all pose and smile for the selfie even Damien to foreshadow his coming face turn! Number 22 is RYBACK (AT LAST!) and he comes out with one side of his body painted as the Ultimate Warrior and one side painted as Goldberg! And he tweets "this is because we haven't decided if I'm SQUASHING Golberg or Warrior at Wrestlemania yet hahahaha!" when he gets in the ring. (In fact this is a swerve and Ryback will actually take on THE SHOCKMASTER at Wrestlemania! Shockmaster will trip and fall getting into the ring and his helmet rolls off and Ryback laughs and says "now to eat you!" But then when Shockmaster stands up it's reveal that he is SID and he POWERBOMBS Ryback and pins him with one foot and says "do onto the MAN as he would do onto YOU but you see I AM THE MAN and I'm doing onto you before you do onto ME because yo'ure NOT the man but I'm doing it onto YOU anyway, MAN!" Anyway!) Michael Cole sneaks up behind Ryback and eliminates him while he's tweeting! Cole then climbs over the top rope to eliminate himself because he's a gentleman! Number 23 is CM Punk and he improbably eliminates everyone in the ring single-handidly rendering the entire match meaningless up until this point! Number 24 is BAD NEWS BARRETT and he comes out on his big lifting thing and he's HIGH UP looking down on the ring and he says "The bad news? Is that I'm just going to sit here on my crane thing until everyone else is eliminated and I'll be the winner and the worst winner since 1999 at that!" Then TEDDY LONG comes out and says "hold on a minute, playa! Now the rules of the Royal Rumble CLEARY state that if you're OVER the top rope you're ELIMINATED once your feet touch the floor! Well playa, it looks to me like your crane thing is OVER the top rope and way up in the sky! So unless you can get to the ring without your feet touching the floor you're ELIMINATED!" and does the Teddy Long shuffle! Then Barrett looks angry and tries to JUMP to the ring but he comes up short (by thirty feet!) and lands on a huge crash mat which is hidden by CLEVER CAMERA WORK and this is so he can disappear for three months because let's face it the Bad Newz Barrett gimmick is shit and he'll come back after WrestleMania as Lock, Stock and Barret since Vince has finally seen Guy Ritchie movies and the details of that gimmick are still being worked out! Number 25 is Seth Rollins.
Number 26 is Dean Ambrose (hmm.) Number 27 is Alberto Del Rio. Number 28 is Jack Swagger. All the heels TEAM UP to destroy Punk because they don't want him dropping another pipe bomb and putting their jobs at risk! Number 28 is Antonio Cesaro and suddenly he PUMPS UP and charges to the ring to save Punk because this is his face turn! He gives Seth Rollins a Giant Swing with NINETY NINE revolutions (saving one hundred for WrestleMania when he takes on Fandango!) ending with swinging him right over the top! And Punk eliminates Swagger and Del Rio with one arm each on a double clothesline! Number 29 is Fandango and he throws DANCER DUST in Cesaro's face to blind him then eliminates himself eliminating Cesaro to set up their WrestleMania match! Number 30 is Big E Langstrom and Cole says "there's literally no chance Big E won't win now!" But then VICKIE GUERRERO comes out and says "excuse me! I have decided there will be a number 31 because I have AUTHORITy here he is excuse me!" and it's BRAY WYATT because Vickie's in the Wyatt family now! Bray eliminates Big E (Cole: "...") then he and Dean Ambrose CIRCLE around Punk SMILING and LIPPING THEIR EVIL LIPS and Bray says "guess what, Vickie has said Luke Harper and Eric Rowan will be number 32!" Then it cuts backstage and you see Luke and Eric both lying unconscioius and a doctor says "I think they've both been given a DDT!" and JAKE THE SNAKE walks out slowly waving his snake! But before he can make it to the ring Roman Reigns runs in through the crowd and SPEARS Punk into the top rope and the top rope SNAPS and both Punk and Reigns hit the floor and a referee says "that counts as an elimination!" then Triple H comes out and says "oh yeah, Roman Reigns is number 33 BEST FOR BUSINESS!" Then Jake finally gets in the ring and gives Dean Ambrose a DDT but then staggers back and falls over the second rope (which is now the top rope!) and Bray Wyatt eliminates Ambrose to win(!?)...
Then "HERE COMES THE MONEY!" plays and SHANE MCMAHON comes out and says "I'm back! I brought golf to Japan but now I'm back to do something on the WWE Network and I'm fine with this life choice and also Bray Wyatt you own't win because MY POPS doesn't wnat you main eventing WrestleMania you incest face!" and charges into the ring and gives Bray the Super Shane Spear! And the top rope elbow which looks shit but still better than Punks! Then KANE'S music plays and KANE comes out on the stage in a suit and says "actually Shane...I'M WINNING the Rumble! Remember that time I shocked your balls? This will be worse!" and his pulls his suit off and it's just one of those break apart suits sexy male strippers wear and he has his gear on underneath and he chokeslams Shane over the top (second) rope to eliminate him...then Bray Wyatt eliminates Kane because he was still in too and Brays win! Then Bray says "I'm going after the only title that matters at WrestleMania...The Undertaker's winning streak HAHA!"
But while Bray is celebrating RANDY ORTON rides down to the ring on his bike and slides inside and throws Bray out then JOHN CENA drives down the aisle in his cop car and it crashes into the ring and bursts into flames and Cena walks through the fire! Remember their match DIDN'T FINISH earlier on so Cena quickyl gives Orton an Attitude Adjustment over the top rope onto the flaming cop car killing Orton(!?) and says "ORTON! ME! YOU! WRESTLEMANIA! IRON MAN FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH!" And does this mean Cena actually won the Rumble instead of Bray? Tune in to RAW To find out!
Sounds like a great Rumble! B ack never with no Hot Newz ever seriously this is the last one ever bye!