14/11/2010

I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that I'm on Twitter! My previous account was deleted by Vince because I gave away EXACT details of his Freddie Prinze Junior dream sequence (except in my version Stephanie was wearing nothing but a BRA in bed! With erect nipples!), but he'll never find this twitter because I have added "316" to my name! Follow me to hear all the big scizzoops YEARS before the rest of the internet reports them! Here's my twitter!
In other mildly big newz, Linda McMahon has LOST the election! Linda got NO votes at all from ANYONE (despite Vince giving John Cena DVDs away to anyone who voted for her...or maybe BECAUSE of that!!!), but claimed it was a "moral victory for women everywhere" for some reason then did a crotch chop! This signalled that WWE is now changing from PG to PG13 which will mean SLIGHTLY more revealing outfits for Divas and Cena will be able to make poop jokes again! Also Stone Cold will come out and STUNNER the Anonymous GM computer (which will EXPLODE then NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN OR EXPLAINED IN ANY WAY) and say "WWE is cool again! I'm in some crap movies!" and walk out through the crowd! ALSO Nexxus will get its first FEMALE memember in AJ and Wade Barrett will say "it's not just Nexxus...now it's...SEXXUS!" then his microphone will be cut before he can say anything else so RAUNCHY! ALSO ALSO Val Venis will RETURN as a new character named MISTER POLITICIAN and will SMEAR choclate saucse all over Layla and Michelle McCool asks "what are you doing" and he says "a SMEAR CAMPAIGN, HEH HEH HEH!" ALSO ALSO ALSO Shad will return on Smackdown and say "I only voted for Obama because he's black" then beat Luke Gallows in 38 seconds then be sent back to FCW for eight months! Exciting thigns are coming!

THE LATEST ON UNDERTAKER VERSUS BROCK LESNAR AT WRESTLEMANIA: Brock will only agree to lose to Taker in a WORKED SHOOT if his wife Sable gets to beat Layla in a WORKED BIKINI CONTEST earlier on the show! While it is believable that Undertaker could beat Brock in a shoot (remember he has SOUP BONES on his side!) no one would ever believe Sable could beat Layla in a bikini contest so I hope WWE turns Brock down or else kayfabe will be dead FOREVER!

Alberto Dos Rios's personal ring announcer is played by other than Super Crazy's Dad, Super Pappi! Could this mean the MEIXCOOLS wll return soon? No, of course it coulnd't!

Lita has returned to RAW! Lita will be GRADUALLY introduced to RAW in longer and longer segments every week so as not to overload viewers with her hotness! She will finally wrestle in a three minute match against Alicia Fox in June 2011! Some people MIGHT be thinking that Lita has actually wanted to return for years, but had to wait until Matt Hardy was released because she knew he'd stalk her and follow her about saying "WEAR A THONG AGAIN, I NEED NEW MATTURWANK MATERIAL!" Those people are forgetting Matt was on Smackdown! Of course there was nothing to stop Matt flying to all the RAW shows and following Lita about, waiting until she kissed someone (let's face it, it would have happened eventually, the kissy hussy!), then jumping out of the bushes wearing a mask and shouting "I AM THE KISSING POLICE, YOU CANNOT KISS HERE!" then running away while Lita cries "Matt, I just want a normal life!" the tears running down her cleavage! Anyway, Matt will be too busy with his new YouTube show "Matt Hardy Clears Up Misconceptions In Videos That Cut Off In Mid Story And Also Here's Hurricane" to stalk Lita for at least a month and Lita has signed a five year contract which means she'll be 45 by the time it expires!

Lacey Von Eric has quit TNA! As soon as he heard this newz, JOHNNY ACE dived for his phone to call and invite her to "wrestle" for WWE before Playboy got in first and signed her to an exclusive nude contract! Expect to see her debut as Kelly Kelly's EVIL cousin soon!

I attended a TNA house show this week! I was lying on the sofa getting HOT AND HEAVY with my girlfriend when DON WEST threw a brick wrapped in TNA tickets through the window! Boy they're getting desperate! Unfortuanely my girlfriend couldn't come because her ex-boyfriend was getting out of prison that day (she had to go into hiding because she stole his car while he was locked up!) so I easily blended in with all the other dateless men at the TNA Zone!

Frist match was Jeff Jarrett versus Samoa Joe(~!) in a match to decide if the fans get BACKSTAGE PASSES! AS I understand it the heel ALWAYS wins this match on TNA house shows because you can't have the fans walking around backstage, there would be chaos! Before the match Jeff Jarrett said "You stinking fans, you all stink! You don't DESERVE to be backstage at a TNA show because you would smell the place out with your stink! I'd hit all you smellies with guitars if I could, but the stinking company that makes my breakaway guitars has gone out of stinking business and I only have one left! That stinks!" Then Joe came out to SAMOAN PIPE MUSIC and said "No Jeff, the only thing that STINKKS around here is...YOUR ATTITUDE! And my RAGING MALE PHEREMONES!" When the bell rang Joe ran at Jeff than kind of stumbled and slid on his ass across the ring and kind of barely kicked Jeff in the foot and said "OH, FUCK, I MESSED UP!" Which must have meant "I messed up HIS FOOT with my DEADLY KICK ATTACK!" because he scored the pin anyway then ran backstage hiding his face because he's so bashful!

This meant that we LUCKY FANS had all won backstage passes thanks to Joe! I was still suspicious and thought that TNA would have set up a FAKE backstage with FAKE wrestlers pretending to be TNA stars (they could put a homeless guy in a Sharkboy mask and no one would know the difference!) So I went backstage to investigate and of course to watch the Knockouts showering! I soon found out it was a REAL backstage and NOt fake when I walked by Hulk Hogan playing Guitar Hero with Jay Lethal! Hogan smiled at me and said "don't worry kid, my back isn't really injured at all! The nerves that were burned off? They were burned off my penis, brother, because sex is so pleasurable for the Hulkster that I can't stop doing it!" then had Jay inject painkillers into his spine! Jay said "he's nuts, this isn't even a guitar hero guitar!" and showed me it and it was in fact a REAL guitar! This seemed like a potentially HUGE story, but I had just spoted the Knockouts dressing room so I ran away and left Hogan drooling on the floor!

Luckily there was a gap behind the wall I could hide behind and watch the Knockouts showering through a hole in the wall (I think Don West must have made this hiding place because I found BEARD FUR inside!) It wasn't long before a beautiful naked knockout with long blond hair stood with her back to me and I started masturwankig! Just as I was finally getting going this knockout turned round...and she was Eric Young! In a blond wig! There was no way I could have known! I was angry and asked him where the Knockouts were and he said "the TNA Knockouts don't take showers, because they're DIRTY GIRLS with sexily transmitted diseases!" I then asked why HE was showering then and he said "because I knew you'd be watching!" I was disturbed by this but eventually he laughed and said "Nah, just playing, the reason the Knockouts aren't here is because they're having a REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL in the ring!" I said that still doesn't explain why he's in the Knockout's shower standing naked in front of a masturwanking wrestling journalist but he just shook his head sagely and said "doesn't it, Hot Newz? Doesn't it?" then skipped away!

I RAN at a hundred miles per whore back to the ring JUST IN TIME to see Sarita climb out of the cage leaving Madison Rayne alone in the ring as the LOOSER of the reverse battle royal (that's how reverse battle royals work, there's nineteen joint winniers and one loser!) I was DEVASTATED to have missed this hot and steamy Knockout action and actually started crying a bit, the first time wrestling made me cry since Crash Holly died! But then Jeremy Borash announced "and now as the LOSER, Madison's punishment will be a SPANKING from a fan!" As soon as I heard these words I jumped over the barricade and started climbing the cage to get to her! Security started climbing up after me but Borash called them back down, took a look at me, then gave me a thumbs up and said "GO FOR IT, KID!" Finally I was in the ring and Madison was bending over...unfortunately I must have BLACKED OUT because the spanking was TOO HOT because I can't remember ANYTHING that happened next! Don't worry, I'm undergoing HYPNOTIC REGGRESSION to get the hot memories back and once I have the details I'll tweet them all out in 140 sexy characters!

Anyway when I woke up Matt Morgan and Abyss were HUGGING(!?) in the ring with Team 3D lying DEAD (for all I knew!) in front of them! Morgan said "haha, together we can dominate like no other, AND ALL YOU STINKING FANS CAN'T STOP US!" and Abyss said "YESSSSSSSSSS HISSSSS!" I was SHOCKED at this turn of events because I couldn't remember if Matt Morgan was a face or a heel but it turned out to be all a SWERVE when Matt pulled a big monkey wrench out of his tights and smashed the back of Abyss's head in with it! And Abyess was bleeding all over the place and Matt said "SCREW YOU! I will never join you, you go around giving people concussions all the time when concussions are dangerous! Now I've given YOU a concussion so that you can feel what it's like!" and licked the blood off the monkey wrench! That makes him a face in TNA because he's all dark and edgy like Stone Cold or Han Solo!

Next up was Mister Anderson (urgh) versus The Pope (urgh) in a "microphone on a poll" match. Jeremy Borash (who was sitting beside me at this point sharing his popcorn with me) explained that the winner gets to cut an obnoxious promo with the microphone. I was happy when they both climbed up the poll at the same time and grabbed the microphone because I thought a draw meant NEITHER of the unlikable twats would get to speak, but unfonrtuantely they just cut a promo TOGETHER about "pimpin' assholes" or something (I had plugged my ears up with popcorn!) After getting to spank Madison Rayne earlier (even though I couldn't remember it) I had been ready to give TNA a GLOWING review on my blog which probably would have turned the ratings aroud. After this match I hated TNA again and decided that only a really great next match could save thigns...

The next match was Jay Lethal versus some Robbie Guy (NOT Robbie from the Highlanders I'm sorry to see, he's just too REAL for TNA! He'd rip up Russo's scripts and pour porridge all over the Knockouts!) for the X Division title! Three seconds into the match, MATT HARDY jumped the barricade and kind of gave Robbie somethign resembling a Twist Of Fate and Jay just shrugged and walked away. Matt grabbed a microphone and said "YOU! DIXIE CARTER! ABUSE OF POWER! HIRE ME! I'M ALREADY HIRED! HIRE ME! I'M ALREAY HIRED!" to the confusion of all! RHYNO then ran out wearing a shirt that said "SECURITY" and GORED Matt and Matt puked all over the ring! Rhyno then said "When Mister Eric Bischoff offered me a job in security I decided it was TOO FUCKING SUH-WEET to pass up!" then spat on Matt and ran out through the crowd slapping hands! So needless to say I loved TNA again after this match!

Next up was hot steamy tag action with AJ Styles and Kazabian versus Stevie Richards and Tommy Dreamer! And if you think this was bound to be a classic match...you're an idiot, it was a Tommy Dreamer match! It sucked while he was in the ring! Fortunately it was GREAT while Doctor Stevie was in the ring since he's the most underrated worker since Phineas Godwinn! Stevie did look a bit distracted because I kept shouting "REMEMBER STEVIE NIGHT HEAT, THAT WAS AWESOME!" at the top of my voice for the entire match, but I had to make him remember! AJ pinned Dreamer when he went for a Styles Clash but Dreamer was too fat to pick up, then went for it again but Dreamer was so fat and blown up that he couldnt' take it, then eventaully just gave up and hit a DDT but Dreamer went down before AJ had finished the move because he sucks and is uncoordinated and AJ said "GOD YOU SUCK" for the pin!

Finallyl it was time for the MAIN EVENT of Jeff Hardy defending against none other than RVD! Jeff came staggering out first to a massive reaction! There was a fat girl sitting next to me (not Jeremy Borash) who was literally crying with Joy at seeing Jeff, then she grabbed her chest and said "AAAAH, STABBING PAIN, CAN'T TAKE IT..." so I turned away and didn't look at her again (she shut up after that anyway thankfully!) Jeff grabbed the mike and said "you stinking fans still cheer me? Is that because you're all STUPID?" Then the fans cheered. Then he said "STOP CHEERING, I'M A HEEL NOW, BOO ME SO THE RATINGS GO UP!" and the fans cheered. Then he said "I'm going to prison soon where I'll GO GAY!" and all the girls booed (but some of the guys cheered!) So Jeff smiled because now he knew how to gets boos and he acted gay for the whole match by wrestling with a gay look on his face (he even made eyes at me at one point! And I kind of liked it!?) RVD came out next. RVD recognised me in the crowd (I used to attend ECDUB shows ALL THE TIME! I sat between HAT GUY and GREEN BEARD GUY on most shows, look out for me!) and gave me a special look which I remembered from the ECDUB days! It was a look which meant "dood, I'm so high right now, this is only a house show match anyway, so I won't do anything cool, haha, the marks will never know better!" I respected him for this because getting high is more important than giving TNA fans a worthy main event! Since Jeff is a heel now he did nothing but Twists Of Hate (eight in total!) and chinlocks (eighteen in total!) for the whole match! Good heeling! RVD eventually made the comeback with some kicks that missed by miles and that crappy version of the Rolling Thunder where he just does a splash instead of a senton and went up to the top rope for the Frog Splash but just stood there for like a minute looking bored until Eric Bischoff jogged out and kind of tapped him in the ankle with a chair and RVD carefully climbed back down, said "ouch!" then walked backstage shrugging, having won by DQ I guess! Then Christy Hemme came out and showed us all her tits to send the crowd home happy.

It was't the worst TNA house show I've ever been to...just teh SECOND WORST!

Survivor Series is coming soon! I have been able to deduce with 99.9997% accuracy what the results will be, so look away NOW if you don't want to know!

LayCool versus Natalya - Natalya will be getting her ass kicked for five minutes until BETH PHOENIX runs out to help her! Then in a SWERVE Beth will hit Natalya with a high heel shoe then hug Michelle and Layla! Then Beth will say "that's right, you all forgot I'm the Glamazon! But not only that, I'm now a Beautiful Pesron! I mean, uhh, a...LayCool...person!" then LayCool will TURN ON BETH and give her a double suplex (that's deadly for woman's wrestling!) and say "no you're too FAT to be in LayCool, FATAZON!" And Natalya and Beth will feud and LayCool will keep the belts until Melina gets over again (so they'll keep them FOREVER!)

Kane versus Edge - Edge hits the RUNNING HUG and is about to win when Christian runs out! Edge says "what's this all aboot, eh, are you here to help me celebrate?" and Christian smiles and say "NOT QUITE!" then spits RED MIST (blood!?) in Edge's eyes and Kane gets da pin! Christian then puts on a PUFFY SHIRT and Gangrel, Viscera, Mideon, Brad Shaw(~!~!) and Farooq (DAMN!) join him in the ring! Kane says "that's right, THE MINISTRY OF DARKNESS is back under my command, and the darkest night has begun, HAHAHAH, HAIL SATAN!" Then all the Ministry but Kane and Christian get fired the next night and are never mentioned again.

Randy Orton versus Wade Barrot WITH JOHN CENA AS THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE WILL HE DO THE RIGHT THING? - Orton and Barrot hit a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE and Cena starts counting until R TRUTH runs out! Truth says "yo, Cena, what CHU doin', huh, countin' like dat, CHU tryin' to screw Orton!"? and Cena says "umm, no" and Truth says "good, because the only person screwing Orton...IS ME!" and gives Cena a deadly AXE KICK then gives Orton a deadly TWISTY FLYING FOREARM! Then HEATH SLEDGE runs out in a referee's shirt and counts the pin and somehow this is legal and Wade is the champion! Then Truth says "haha, you all bought it! You FOOLS! The clue was in my new song! It's not time to get Crunk, it's time to get...DRUNK! I'm an alcoholic and Nexxus have been buying me booze!" Then he smashes up a bootle of BOOZE over Cena's head and says "the WWE ain't PG no more neither!" and does the splits standing over Cena's head, rubbing his balls on Cena's face! This sets up a THREE STAGES OF HELL match between Truth and Cena at WrestleMania where the first fall is pin, second submission and the third a rap battle judged by Enimen!

There will also be some traditional survivor series elimination matches on the show but nobody cares about those!

Sounds like a GRIZZEAT show! I'll be back in eight months with an even more disappointing update!

KAITLYN LEGALLY DECLARED HOTTEST WWE DIVA BY THE SUPREME COURT, LAYLA LAUNCHING COUNTERSUIT WITH MICHELLE MCCOOL AS HER LAWYER? KEVIN NASH SAYS SOMETHING UNFUNNY ON TWITTER? HURRICANE REVEALS THAT LINDA MCMAHON USED TO ASK HIM IF SHE COULD RUB ICE CUBES INTO HIS BALLS ALL THE TIME AND DEFINITELY DID KNOW LANCE CADE'S NAME TOO? DRAGON GATE USA MAIN EVENT TO FEATURE THE HEEL WORKING OVER THE FACE'S LEG BRUTALLY FOR TEN MINUTES BUT THEN THE FACE JUST COMPLETELY NO SELLS IT AND DOES A BUNCH OF FLIPPY MOVES AND THE ZOMBIE SMARKS STILL CHANG "MATCH OF THE YEAR!" AFTERWARDS? AKSANA TO REVEAL SHE'S PREGNANT WITH GOLDUST'S BABY IN NINE MONTH STORYLINE AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S REALLY ORNSWAGGLE'S HAHHAHA OH GOD I'M LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE? PLUS HOT NAKED PICZ OF MICKIE JAMES WEARING ASSLESS CHAPS RIDING BAREBACK ON A HORSE SMOKING A CIGAR WITH VISIBLE ASS SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

Twitter!

I'm on Twitter! Now I can update you on all the newz IMMEDIATLEY BEFORE IT HAPPENS using twitter to twizzeet the newz! So if John Cena is about to turn HEEL and join NEXXUS for REAL by MAKING OUT with Wade Barrett(!?) I can report it! And also I can tweet everytime I masturwank, except I'll probably be sent to "Twitter jail" if I attempt that! LOL!!!!?

http://twitter.com/#!/hotnewz316

Bound For Glory

TNA owes me new PANTZ for signing Mickie James!!! (I got an erection then ejaculated within seven seconds of her walking out!)

But now I wish I'd saved it for mastruwank over Madison Rayne who is a million times hotter than Mickie!

LayCool are hotter than the Beautiful People but Mickie and Madison are hotter than LayCool (because of Michelle dragging the hotness down, not Layla's fault!) so I'd like to see that tag match...IN BED!

Matt Hardy Special!

OMG I am back from my vegetable state with more Hot Newz! I woke up from my HHH induced coma when I heard that Matt Hardy has been going kerazy on Twitter! A SEXY NURSE read his tweets to me and it cured me of vegetation! Then we had sex on my hospital bed, using the bedpan as a sex toy and everything! I am BACK now with the most in-depth, hard-hitting, detailed story on MATT HARDY GOING CRAZY that you will EVER read! Don't even subscribe to the Observer because you won't find these kinds of details there (just lots of crap about MMA that nobody cares about!) So READ ON loyal readers (I think there's about three of you left!) for the REAL truth about Matt Hardy!

...but FIRST, I will take a look at the new season of NXT! Unlike the previous BORING seasons featuring rookies like David Octopus, Heath Ledger, Musky Harris, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and Kaval (ten years in the business and he's STILL not passed his pro exam to become a pro!) this seaosn features only HOT DIVAS and is therefore the BEST or shoud I say BREAST season of NXT in history! The only appropriate way to discuss this seaons is to rank the Rookie Divas (Roovas!) in order of who is the most suitable to be a Diva (mainly based on who I'd most like to bang the shit out of!) and here is that ranking!

1) Katlyn - Well, DUH! She has big juicy thighs like MEN like, she has big juicy fake breasts like REAL MEN like and she actually has a sense of humor! Okay so she stole all her jokes form tv shows, but she at least stole from GOOD shows like The Office and Seinfeld and Law And Order: SVU and not BAD shows like Frasier and Cheers (have you noticed taht they both have Ted Dancing in them!?) That thing about imaginign the audience in their underwear was SUPPOSED to be bad because it was post-ironic humor! she can't wrestle at all but neither could Layla six months ago and now she's better than Trish (and hotter!)

2) Naomi - OMG, did you see those white pants on Smackdown? She has a LOT of junk in her ass if you know what I mean! Naomi is a LEGIT REAL athlete who could easily win an olympic gold medal in ANY sport she chosses as proven by her amazing performance in capture the flag! She is also great int he ring as she has had secret training sessions from AWESOME KONG who is actually her cousin (I'm not just saying this because they're both black, it's true!) and will be Naomi's bodyguard on smackdown in a month!

3) AJ - She is supposed to be the new Mickie James but you'd need TWO AJs to WEIGH the same as ONE Mickie James if you know what I mean! Also she had an annoying voice! I HATE THAT. On the other hand, I'd shit the bang out of her!

4) Jaime Chung - I thought she was supposed to be Asian! Isn't teh NXT ring announcer asian and isn't she the NXT ring announcer? So how come she's not asian!? Unless she's one of those asians who doesn't LOOK asian in which case what's the point of that! The whole point of asians is that they are asian! Or maybe she's white, I don't know. She sucks anyway!

5) Maxine - I can't remember which one she is.

6) Ahsoka Tano - She don't speak no English! What's the point!? Goldust should trade her in for another mail order russian bride! Or Terri Runnels should come out and burn her with a cigar causing Goldust to moan in sexual pleasure! On the other hand, she is REALLY HOT and looks just like Trish and I LOVE Trish (more than Layla!) so maybe she should be first, actually!

And now at long last I can present to you my SPECIAL INVESTIGATION into Matt Hardy goign crazy and being fat! This all started MONTHS AGO when Matt showed up fat at Smackdown (so fat that they banned him from doing the second rope legdrop for fear that he'd break the ring!) and Vince said "you're jobbing to Drew McIntyre, pal!" and Matt nodded meekly and said "yes sir..." but then pulled his blackberry out of his pants and started TWEETING to the world! Many of Matt's tweets have since been deleted (because he realized they were fucking retarded) but I saved them all and will present them to you RIGHT HERE!

"Sick and tired of being asked to job to drew mcintyre and my voice saying yes. that's right you smarks marks, they ask you first. they ask. i wish i could make my voice say no just once. maybe if you all tweet your support I will"

"Just came up with a new t-shirt idea...a close-up of my appendix scar with 'BURSTING for success!' underneath...would be a brilliant new direction for the Matt Hardy brand!"

"What do you know, management don't like my t-shirt idea. Said it was the 'stupidist shit ever'! I know that's a lie, because I've suggested much stupider shit in the past! Don't know how much longer I can put up with them treating my brand this way."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. i looked at the audience afterwards and i could tell that they could all tell that it was bullshit. i winked at them. i think they understood."

"I want all you fans to start chanting 'we don't want Matt to job to Drew at house shows' at house shows if it looks like I'm about to job to Drew at a house show...thanx."

"you know things aren't always as they seem....sometimes it might look like someone's brother is facing drug trafficking charges...but what if that brother is actually testifying against the mafia and the drug charges are just a cover...think about it."

"just beat drew mcintyre by dq on a house show...the winds of change are changing."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. some stooge punk pigeon must have stooled me out and told the bookerman about this twitter. i'm not saying any names...or should I say, I'm not CM'ing any names. that punk."

After being destroyed on smackdown by Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler and even Musky Harriss on an episode of NXT nobody but me watched (but it DID happen!), Matt was LITERALY BURIED by Dashing Cody Rhosdes on Smackwon!

"List Matt, even though my dad is an ugly potato with a blotch on his belly, I'm still better looking than you! And so is he! Listen Matt, even though your weight game is a result of an intestinal injury you suffered in the WWE ring and it's completely irresponsible for us to keep bringing it up, and these kind of segmetns will end up coming back to bite Linda McMahon in the ass...I'm still going to bring it up! You fat! You ate your own push! And Jack Swagger's! Haha!"

Matt finally SNAPPED after jobbing to CM Punk on a house show in jolly old England!

*Matt grabs the microphone from Jaime Chung*

Matt: Yeah, you better run, Punk! I'll shoot kick your ass! You might be a master of shoot karate, but I've been shooting in my backyard with Jeff, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID HIS NAME, since I was two years old and Jeff wasn't even born! You think you can take me? Well, take THIS!

*Matt does a really crappy looking kick into thin air*

Matt: POW-YAH! YEAH!! You gonna come back and fight me, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH? Thought not! Yeah, I'm shooting from the hip here, fellas. Or should I say, England, shooting from the PIP PIP!

*crowd stare at him blankly*

Matt: Yeah, you're all stunned because this isn't PART OF THE SHOW. Yeah, that's right, the old boy's network have been trying to keep the Matt Hard Brand down because I was getting too popular! They're scared that I'll get more popular than Cena and Randy Orton combined multiplied by a million and that they'll have to give me the belt! Guess what! I already HAVE a belt and it holds my trousers up! That's the only belt I need because all I care about are my fans! But if you keep jobbing me out, Vince, you phoney, you scumbag, you scumnose, if you keep jobbing me out, then I'll BE out...of this company! I'll make an IMPACT elsewhere, if you know what I mean! Now that's total non-stop Mattitude, if you know what I mean! That's mister TNA, if you smell what I'm cooking! That's the bottom line, because Hulk Hogan says so!

*the fans start throwing things at Matt*

Matt: You're giving me gifts! Thanks a lot! I love England! I love every part of England, like Scotland and Wales and Ireland! I love your bangers and mash! Your stake and kidney pies! I love Ricky Gervais and that stupid laugh he always does! I love the queen! Is that her there?

*Matt points at an old woman in the crowd*

Matt: Hello, your majetsty! Or should I say, your MATTesty! I...

*his microphone is finally cut and Matt just stands in the ring looking around for about a minute before walking backstage, waving*

Matt(shouting): You haven't seen the last of me! That is, if TNA do tours of England...

After this SHOCKING display (all the agents were too busy laughing at him to cut his microphone sooner!) WWE decided to take Matt OFF THE ROAD and SEND HIM HOME as exclusively revealed by ME on my TWITTER (if you didn't see it you're obviously not following me and I won't tell you my twitter name because if you don't know it already then you don't DESERVE to read my exclusives!) Matt then promised something BIG on Twitter!

"Hoo boo...:::laughing:::...I've got somethign that will BLOW YOU AWAY...like how Lita used to blow me away :::choking with laughter::: only joking I love you Lita. Call me. Please."

Matt then HIT BACK with a very special youtube video from England!

*we see a shot of Matt's feet, walking down a road*

Matt: That's right, fans. That's my FEET. Walking down a ROAD. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was sent OFF THE ROAD? How can I be off the road if I am, in fact, on the road?

*a car nearly runs over Matt*

English Driver: Get off the road, you bloody wankpot!

Matt: Haha, sorry! One of my fans there, waving to me. Interesting, though, isn't it, that he was driving on the LEFT side of the road. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was SENT HOME. They don't drive on the left at home! Not unless they're high on drugs like...well, not like Jeff, becasue he doesn't do drugs...FORGET I SAID THAT. The point is...

*he points the camera at BIG BEN the big English clock that can be seen from anywhere in England because it's so big!!*

Matt: I am still in ENGLAND! I haven't been sent home AT ALL! But that would mean...that the smark smarts and the dirty sheets and CRZ and 411 and Rajah and Sean Shannon and WrestleLine and ScoopThis and Bill Apter were all WRONG! Hmmm, maybe you SHOULDN'T believe everything you see and read. LIKE A CERTAIN DRUG TRIAL FOR A CERTAIN BROTHER. Or CM Punk WINNING matches when in actual fact if the matches were real CM Punk would LOSE those same matches! Everyone in England has been so supportive and I've even got a meeting scheduled with their beloved Prime Minister Tony Blair! Here, I'll just grab a random woman off the street and ask her what she thinks of the WWE violating my career...

*Matt grabs a random woman off the street*

Woman: Aaaah, what's going on!?

Matt: Excuse me miss, but what do you think of the WWE RAPING my career?

Woman: Rape? RAPE?

*she pulls out a rape whistle and starts blowing it*

Woman: RAPE!!!

(Matt pushes her away and runs off. He runs for a while longer until he gets tired.)

Matt: She was probably a CM Punk fan! And I'm NOT tired because I'm fat and running is too much effort...it's because I just took ten somas, okay? So stop making fun of me! Anyway, I think I'll go back to my hotel and have some English food...somas and mash! Soma and kidney pie! Seeya!

*Matt runs away as he hears a police car*

As you can see, Matt was utterly insane in the membrane now! Tony Blair isn't even the Prime Minster of Britain (more like the Prime MASTURWANKER!), Margret Thatcher is, everbody knows that! However WWE still didn't want to release him because they knew if Matt went to TNA he'd reunite with Jeff Hardy and literally twelve overweight Hardy Boyz fangirls would DEFECT from watching WWE to watching TNA! But then Vince finally found out about Matt going crazy when Kelly Kelly told him in bed (they were having sex!) and said "I can't have a CRAZY HARDY BOY running about eating somas and calling Lita a slut, that will endanger Linda's political career if it gets out! Kelly, I'll service you sexually in five minutes, right after I MAKE A CALL..." Vince then called up Matt and said "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRED!" and hung up! WWE then fnally put a statement on their website...

"World Wrestling Entertaiment has come to terms with Superstar Matt Hardy and released him from his contract. To be honest we would have done it years ago but we needed a good jobber after Funaki left. And we knew Matt really wanted to leave so we decided to keep him around to cause him more pain. HA HA HA. WWE wishes him good luck in his future endeavours...because he's going to need it!"

Matt was IMMEDIATELY signed by TNA as announced cryptically on Dixie's Twitter ("just signed a famous wrestling brother to a BIG BUCKS deal..and it's not Kane! It's Matt Hardy!") and TNA's ace writer Vince Russo INSTANTLY constructed a storyline for Matt's debut!

"Okay, get this, let me lay this on y'all, ya mooks! First of all, Rhino leaves EV 2.0 because "I want to dominate the TAG TEAM PLANET!" and after a one week search forms a new tag team with none other than SHARK BOY who wears new METALLIC ring gear! Their aim is to dominate both on land AND at sea! To get them over they will first LOSE by DQ to Generation Me when Rhina and Sharkboy BITE one of those bums, and then lose clean the next week to The Motor City Machine Guns and after the match Rhina GORES the barricade in rage to really get him over and the barricade EXPLODES! But what's this? MATT HARDY was sitting behind the barricade in disguise because he was attending the show as a fan! Part of the barricade goes in Matt's eye and he is BLINDED and not seen for three weeks!

Matt then RETURNS showing no sings of an eye injury (because he's TOUGH) and says "you know what, Rhino and Shark Boy, people have been trying to bully me two on one my whole life and that's a shoot! People UP NORTH were HOLDING ME DOWN because they knew that I could SOAR to the HEAVENS if they didn't and that's a shoot! So you guys want to bully me two on one, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUH? How about trying it...TWO ON TWO! That's right! At the next pay per view I will team up with a VERY SPECIAL MAN from North Carolina to take you NIMRODS down...and it will be extreme...TEAM EXTREME...OOOOH YEAH!"

So then at the pay per view Matt comes out first and says "and now my tag partner, he's a man I've known all my life...it is of course...SHANNON MOORE!" and Shannon Moore comes out made up to look like Jeff! This will be UNEXPECTED and will POP the crowd and create a BUZZ on the internet and Shannon Moore will probably be trending on Twitter too! Rhina and Sharkboy win when Sharkboy (NOT RHINO) gores Shannon out of his boots and you see Shannon's boots literally pop off! This sets up a feud between Rhino and Sharkboy over who has the best gore! Then Matt helps Shannon up and says "you tried your best...BUT YOU FAILED! HOLLYWOOD MATT HARDY HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!" and gives him a Twist Of Fate onto broken glass!

On the next Impact Matt comes out and says 'you stinking fans all want to cheer me and have been dying to see me in TNA, well guess what? I don't care about any of you! My Twitter account was run by an assisstant! I made A MILLION BUCKS up North! The only reason I came to TNA? To get some of Dixie's sweet sweet cash! And IF MY BROTHER JEFF wants to fight me in a loser leaves town hundred dollar buck ladder match where there's a hundred dollars suspended from the rafters then COME ON DOWN!' But Jeff doesn't come out (he's either in jail or doing an injury angle!) SHANNON MOORE comes out to finally get his revenge and kicks Matt in the balls and climbs up the ladder and takes the hundred bucks...but then he looks at it closely and say 'Huh? This is a forgery!' and Matt gives him a twist of fate off the ladder and says 'Of course it's a forgery! I love my fans! I loVe the TNA galaxy! I don't care about money at all, it was all a test! I wanted to see what was in your soul, Shannon! Because the only thing in my soul...IS LOVE!' Then Matt goes on to feud with Nigel McGuinness or someone.

Unfortunately, since WWE owns the name 'Matt Hardy' he'll have to wrestle under his Omega name 'The Angelic Devil' Monster!"

Wow, I can't wait to not see that!

WWE has since DELETED the news of his release and Dixie has said "Umm, I was talking about Mickie James. IN CODE!" and Matt has released a random, rambling video about grapes! "I'm not lazy, I don't eat McDonald's, EH-EH! I EAT GRAPES! Would someone who only eats McDonald's be able to slam a tornado and dry up the seas? No, only a grape eater could do tthat!"

But that was just the crazy tip of the derranged iceberg of madness! Matt then released a video so batshit insane that Meltzer said it was a work, but I can reveal that it was in fact a NON-WORK (a shoot!) and here is the exclusive transcript as youtube have deleted it for being too disturbing!

*Matt is moonwalking in a wrestling ring. He turns round like he's just noticed the camera.*

Matt: Oh, hi! Didn't see you there! Welcome!

*He takes out a pipe, lights it and starts smoking*

Matt: Do I have a COUGH COUGH...a tale to tell you!

*He throws the pipe away.*

Matt: Filthy habbit, the wife is always telling me to quit! So, I suppose you all want to know what's going on with me! There's been a lot of speculation. A lot of drama. A lot of SPECUDRAMA. But here';s the truth. The straight dope. Not the kind of dope Jeff doesn't smoke, but the TRUTH! I AM AN ELEPHANT. ROAR!

*Matt holds his hand in front of his nose like it's a trunk.*

Matt: Haha, only joking! Of course I'm not elephant! Of course not roar! The REAL truth? I have a...condition. A condition of the mind. A mental condition, if you will. How can I explain...well, you know that episode of Star Trek where they got to an alternate universe? And in this mirror universe Picard is evil and has hair and he's sexually abusive of Riker who doesn't have a beard and Geordi his telescopes for eyes? Remember that episode? It ends with Troi giving Data a sexual oiling? Because he's a robot, you see? REMEMBER IT? Yeah? WELL THAT'S MY LIFE. You see these mirror universes ARE REAL. I looked out into the void and at the same time, my mirror self looked out. And do you know what we saw? EACH OTHER. Our minds intersected. Our minds MELDED. And in that moment I became TWO PEOPLE, not one-uh! I can access that other Matt at any time...in fact, do you want to hear from him now? Here we go!

*Matt sucks his gut in and makes a funny face*

Matt: I am the other Matt Hardy! I come from a universe where it is Matt Hardy, NOT JEFF, who is the big star in TNA making millions of bucks! I come from a universe where I just gave Hulk Hogan a Twist Of Fate off the top of a cage through a table! I come from a universe WHERE LITA STILL LOVES ME. Ahem. I come from a universe where everything is better. That's why YOUR universe's Matt has gone crazy He saw this new unvierse and became depressed at being trapped in a universe of jobbing to Drew McIntyre on house shows and being choked by Mickie James when he comes onto her! Don't worry! Everything will be okay soon...when Matt manages to open a Stargate leading to my universe and comes to live with MEEEEE!

*Matt smiles*

Matt: It's me again, this universe's Matt Hardy! As you can all see, I'm not crazy at all! So don't believe the dirty sheets...

*He pulls a copy of the Observe and the Pro Wresting Torch out of his pants and gives them both the Twist of Fate*

Matt: Even though no one actually reads the Torch but me and you only know what they're saying because I'm telling you about it...don't believe them! Believe in me! HUUUUUUH!

Finally I have decided to go to the source and get the INSIDE SCOOP from Matt Hardy himself by calling him on his home phone number which I have because I'm on the inside!

Me: Hello, Matt?

Matt talking in a woman's voice: No, this isn't Matt...

Me: Who is it?

Obviously Matt trying desperately to sound like a girl: It's Lita, of course!

Me: Funny, sounds like Matt to me...

"Lita": No, it's me! In the flesh! The beautiful soft flesh...

Me: Prove it by saying something only Lita would know!

"Lita": CM Punk and Edge have really small penisdicks!

Me: But I've seen the Punk/Serena pics with visible nipple and cock slip and his willy is huge!

"Lita": Photoshop! Anyway, Matt's is STILL bigger even than those fake pics. You dirty linen writers should do your research!

Me: By sleeping with Matt Hardy?

"Lita": Yes! If you're a hot girl, that is! By the way, I'm naked.

Me: Naked!? What ARE you doing at Matt's place anyway?

"Lita": Isn't that obvious, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUH? We just had the sex! Matt's done it with girls and everything! Totally! Yeah! That's why he can't come to the phone right now, he's so tired...

Me: Not because he just took a dozen somas...

"Lita": NO. FROM THE SEX. THE HARDCORE SEX LIKE YOU SEE IN PORN. Only Matt's seen it FOR REAL because he's a STUD MONKEY.

Me: How come you aren't tired then, Lita?

"Lita": Because I've had sex with so many men! I have a higher threshold for sexual tiredness than any woman on the planet! But that was all training! That was just me getting ready to pleasure the greatest love of my life, Matt Hardy, VERSION SEX.

Me: So why did you cheat on him with Edge?

"Lita": What you don't know is, when I was cheating on Matt with Edge I was also actually cheating on Edge with Matt! Emotionally, that is. Not actual sex.

Me: Well, what's going on with Matt now? He wants a release, the WWE won't give him one!

"Lita": They're scared that he'll start his own wrestling company with Hurricane, Jeff, Shannon Moore, Pete Gas and me named CYBER OMEGA and broadcast only online!

Me: That doesn't sound very scary!

"Lita": Did I mention that BOB HOLLY will be the special "enforcer"?

Me: No, you didn't.

"Lita": Oh...right.

Me: So what's Matt going to do to get released?

"Lita": Who can tell? Matt is an enigma. But he's also charismatic, so people are drawn to him. A charismatic enigma, you could say...

Me: No, that's Jeff.

"Lita": Yeah, in THIS universe!

Me: Umm...

"Lita": Oh, I thnk I see Matt stirring in the distance...I'll see if he can talk.

(One second later.)

Matt: HI HOT NEWZ!

Me: You got to the phone quick!

Matt: It's my new diet. It helps me do a LOT of things quicker! Just ask Lita, haha

Me: But didn't you used to say "Matt Hardy will not diet!"

Matt: Haha, good pun...but don't disrespect the Matt Hardy Brand like that. Seriously.

Me: What will you do if WWE NEVER release you, like how the Genius was employed by WCW for fifteen years but never once appeared on tv?

Matt: Hang out with YOU GREAT FANS on Twitter!

Me: Well I hope they release you soon then!

Matt: Look Hot Newz, you dirty sheet writer, you human parasite, you miserable rodent, there's something I've always want to ask you...can you show me how to do the Hot Newz shuffle?

Me: NO. You have to be COOL to do the Hot Newz Shuffle!

Matt: But I am cool! Tell him, Lita!

"Lita" (high pitched): He's cool!

Me: Why are you talking like that, Lita?

"Lita": Uhh...I just huffed some helium.

Me: DRUGS? I thought CM Punk got you off then! Or did he just GET YOU OFF...IN BED!

Matt: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, HOT NEWZ, I KNOW PEOPLE, I KNOW BOB HOLLY, HE DOESN'T LIKE ME BUT I KNOW HIM!

Me: Well I still haven't gotten to the bottom of the Matt Hardy mystery, but I think if I did it would be disappointing and not live up to its full potential, like your career, so I'll just say goodbye for now.

Matt: Okay, Hot Newz, bye for now. No hard feelings. Just print everything I say word for word and don't make me look crazy.

Me: I'll definitely do the first part!

Matt: Say bye, Lita.

"Lita": Bye, Lita.

Matt: She's so silly!

PHONECALL ENDS

Wow, that was intense! We may never know what's going on inside Matt Hardy's sick mind! Let's just hope he doesn't die soon or this whole article will be a lot less funny! And it wasn't even very fun in the first place!

Back soon with more Hot Newz!

GENERATION ME TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO "GENERATION MEN" AND WORK INCEST HOMOS GIMMICK? CHRIS JERICHO TO VOW TO RETIRE IF HE EVER WINS A MATCH AGAIN? SERENA VISITS LINDSAY LOHAN IN PRISON? RIC FLAIRE TO COMPLETELY EMBARRASS HIMSELF AND PISS ON OWN LEGACY EVERY WEEK ON IMPACT, THE SAD OLD FART? DEAD WRESTLER COUNT FOR 2010 SO HIGH THAT IT'S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL IF A WRESTLER HAS DIED OR IF YOU JUST IMAGINED THEY DIED BECAUSE IT WAS QUITE LIKELY, SEE: JAKE THE SNAKE, JIM NEIDHART, BRUTUS BEEFCAKE, GIANT GONZALES AND THE GOON? ROCK TO RETURN...A SUIT HE BOUGHT BECAUSE IT'S TOO SMALL FOR HIM? BIG ZEKE? PLUS HOT FULLY UNDRESSED PICS OF ALOISHA FROM JR'S(!?) PERSONAL COLLECTION AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE AND BLOG AND NUDITY CLICK HERE!

7/8/2010

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And, by that, I mean that HOT NEWZ JUNIOR is back with more Hot Newz! That's right, it's me! My old uncle had a HEART ATTACK or something old people have so I'm taking over, biznoses! I'm going to have a big look at big Money In the Bank which will be BIG but first I have EXCLUSIVE news on Batista joining the MMA as an Ultimate Fighter! That's right you marks, Batista is joining MMA! You thought it would never happen because he's not a LEGIT tough guy (Booker T once gave him a Book End into the ocean shooting a Summerslam commercial!) but the real truth is that MMA is actually FAKE!!!! Don't believe me? Then how come Brock Lesner, a FAKE WRESTLER is the current MMA champion of MMA? Because it's fake, that's why! Nobody knew wrestling was fake until Hulk Hogan went on the Arseholio Hall Show and said "wrestling's fake, brother, I never took no steroids!" The EXACT SAME THING is true of MMA! So expect a big showdown in the Octogan (named after an octopus!) between Batista and Lesnar! Batista will hit a SPEAR right away to the surprise of many, but when he goes for a second spear Lesnar reverses it to a Googleplatter which he learned from tHe Undertaker (a REAL shooter!) However Lesnar then POWERS OUT and turns it into a Batista Bomb right into the side of the Octogan! Then then both punch each other at the exact same time like in Rocky 3 JUST as the bell rings for the end of the round! Who's goign to win? I'm not going to tell you cheaprollerskates, you have to buy the big MMA ppv to find out!

And now for your FREE MONEY.........In The Bank recap! Yes, WWE had a ppv called Money In The Bank a while ago and I watched! I'm reviewing it now which is a bit late but when you consider all the COOL STUFF I do in my life this review is actually EARLY!

The First match was the Smackdown Money In The Bank match! Frankly most of this match (99.999999%) SUCKED because nobody took any big bumps! As everyone knows, the ladder match was invented in the Hardy Boyz back yard when the Hardyz and Edge and Christian used to back yard wrestle (Edge and Christian were 13, Matt was 12, Jeff was 9!) So you'd THINK Matt and Christian would take some big, 450 bumps on their HEADS but instead they didn't do shit and at one point they both fell off and actually landed on their feet! What a rip off! Even Dashing Cody Rhodes took more bumps than Matt and Christian, and he's gay! The match picked up when Big Show FINALLY got up off his lazy ass and brought his GIANT LADDER into the ring! I love that giant ladder! It's so cool! The great director MIchael Bay should put it in Transformers 3 as a new Transformer that transforms into a giant ladder! Let's face it, he needs something to replace Megan Fox! Kane won the match because WWE wanted to SWERVE everyone by having the worst possible winner imaginable! One thumb up!

Next was Alicia Fox defending whichever belt she has against Eve Torres! This was pretty good compared to 99% of woman's matches, but that's not saying much since 99.99% of all woman's matches SUCK! Alicia won with the AXE KICK then it cut to a BLACK MAN wearing a hoodie and DARK GLASSES in the crowd but he ducked down out of the way of the camera! NO ONE on the internet has mentioned this yet but that was actually BOOKER T who is set to return soon with Alicia as his new Sharmell (the real Sharmell is pregnant so she won't be doing no axe kicks!) Half a thumb up.

The Hart Dynamitey versus the UFOs was next! I can't remebmer anything about this match other than that Stryker and Lawler spent the whole match saying "YOU'RE SO BORING DH SMITH, DO SOMETHING COOL, SHOW SOME CHARISMA YOU LOSER!" The Harts won when Smith put one of the UFOs in the Sharpshooter but FAILED to do a sexy dance first so Cole said "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T DO A SEXY DANCE FIRST, THE BORING ROBOT BASTARD!" so really the Harts were the real losers! One thumb DOWN.

Rey Mysterious versus Jack Swagger was next! This was a good match WHILE IT LASTED but it only lasted literally FIVE MINUTES which makes it a BAD MATCH! If they had just done the same five minute match four times stuck together and it had lasted twenty minutes it would have been a CLASSIC, but at only five minutes it was a SUCKIC! Then Swagger was going to snap Rey's ankle off and take it home afterwards and KANE made the save! I said to my friend ANDY ICE who was watching with me (we're not gay, just friends!) that this meant Kane was going to cash in his Money In The Bank! Andy said "NO WAY!" and tried to give me a Rock Bottom, but I elbowed my way out and gave him a Stone Cold Stunner! However I hit my head on the coffee table on the way down and was knocked clean out! NO THUMBS UP.

When I woke up, Andy Ice had gone and stole my Wii and Kane was the new champion! At first I was angry (I love my Wii!) but then I realised that Kane is much taller than Rey so it makes sense that he'd beat him, even though he's like 50 years old and Rey is only 23! TWO THUMBS UP!

Next was Layla versus Kelly Kelly! I was glad Andy had left because I want to pay VERY CLOSE attention to this match, if you know what I mean (I was masturwanking!) This match made the match between Alicia and Eve look like a match between two AMATEURS! Alicia and Eve may as well retire because they'll NEVER have a match as good as this one! Layla was trained by old school English shooters like William Regal, Pat Tanaka and Big Daddy so she literally carried Kelly through this match (she did a lot of firewoman's carries!) Also at one point Michelle McCool was being COCKY on the barricade so the spunky Tiffany ran over and SHOOT SHOVED Michelle into the crowd where some guy peed on her! This was NOT supposed to happen (it wasn't a worked shoot shove!) and backstage the Undertaker grabbed Tiffany around the throat like he was going to choke slam her but then Tiffany kicked him in the balls and ran away and Undertaker was so embarrassed that he never told anyone about this (but my source was watching from a garbage can!) so Tiaffany got to keep her job! Anyway Layla won (of course!) with an ENGLISH PINNING COMBINATION! TWO THUMBS and SOMETHING ELSE (my respect for women!) up!

Next was the RAW IS RAW money in the bank mizzatch! This one was EVEN WORSER than the Smackdown match because it had Evan Bourne in it and he didn't do any 720 bumps landing on his tailbone! He didn't do shit! Miz won despite not taking one big bump during the match. There should be a rule where you can only win money in the bank if you've taken a bump first! Two thumbs in the middle leaning towards down!

Finally it was a cage match (JUST a cage, there wasnt' even barbed wire or electicity on the top!) between Shameus and John Cena! What a rip off! This is the Money In The Bank ppv and the main event is a CAGE match!? It should have been a cage match with a ladder in the cage where to win you have to climb the ladder and jump over the cage! That would have been entertaining whereas this match was the opposite: UNENTERTAINING! I can't even remember what happened except I think Nexus put thumbtacks all around the ring and Cena was too scared to climb down and step on one so Shameus won! Then afterwards Cena gave Michael Tarver a proper Hacksaw Jim Duggan three point clotheline and I thought he was cool for about 0.8 seconds until I remembered his stupid face. NEGATIVE THUMBS DOWN.

Layla slapped Matt Striker in the face violently backstage on Smackdown after his latest cruel "little english muffin!" jibe at her. Racist bullies used to call her that at school!

TNA is putting on an ECW ppv this Sunday! For some reason! I can't be bothered looking up the card, but I heard there's a part where Tommy Dreamer says "I'm hardcore, I'll take both of them!" and Kimona Iwannafuckher and Beaulah say "he's old, we'll take SHARKBOY!" and Sharkboy comes out and does a sexy dance with them! There will also be individual one minute tributes to every former ECW star who has passed away...so that will take up ninety minutes of the show! Also there will be some shitty match with tables and barbed wire and fat Raven in the main event which people will chant "this is awesome!" to and I'll chant "I'm glad I didn't pay for this!" as I watch my illegal download!

If you think the Kane/Undertaker angle is just going to end when Kane breaksdown and admits that it was EVIL KANE, his altered ego who wears the red Kane mask, who turned Undertaker into a potato and Kane will confront his dark side in a magic mirror and then step through the mirror and BECOME Evil Kane and job to Undertaker in a casket match at the new ppv "Casket Match"...you are wrong! Undertaker will RETURN in two weeks on Smackdown and say "Kane my brother, it was not Rey Mysterio, I was still part potato when I said that...it was BIG DADDY V!" and then Big Daddy V comes out from under the ring and gives Kane and Undertaker a double belly to belly suplex city! Big Daddy V then wins the title from Kane in a best two out of three falls match at the new ppv "Best Two Out Of Three Falls"! This sets up the big casket match with Undertaker at "Casket Match" where Big Daddy V goes for his new finisher the Banzai Drop INTO a casket but Undertaker MOVES at the last second and Big Daddy V goes into the casket and Taker wins! Then Big Daddy V is never seen or mentioned again.

Summerslam is cumming soon! I'm not going to check when because I'm TOO BUSY! However my friend Steve The Brick told me that the main event will see Team WWE (John Cena! Bret Hart!? R Truth!?! THE GREAT KHALI!?!?!) take on Team Nexus (The Nexus!) in some kind of wrestling match! And if you think that it will just end with Cean down seven on one, all his partners taken out, looking for a tag and then TRIPLE H runs out, tags in...AND GIVES CENA THE PEDIGREE, grabs a mic and says "you're looking at the New Nexus Order of wrestling, brother, and these fans can STICK IT!"...then you're right! That's exaclyt how it will end! There will also be a match between Shameus and Randy Orton! They will do a FACE TO FACE interview before the match and Orton will say "you know what, SHAME-us, I won the world title for the first time SIX YEARS AGO at Summerslam and history will repeat itself tonight...for the final desire!" Then Shameus says "oh is that right, fella? Well tell me this, fella, who was it that you beat six years ago, fella?" And while Orton looks confused (he can't say that name!) Shameus gives him an IRISH KICK ring in the shoulder and you hear a POP and Shameus says "now how are you going to beat me, fella, after taking an Irish kick to the shoulder, fella?" Then Orton wins with the RKO anyway.

Well that's it for me, I've decided that wrestling SUCKS and Santino isn't even funny, so I'll be back NEVER with more Hot Newz, maybe my uncle will return if he ever waits up from his vegetable state, I don't know or care!

DUDEBUSTERS TO START HOMOSEXUAL ANGLE AND CHANGE THEIR NAME TO THE DUDEBUNKERS BECAUSE THEY SLEEP IN BUNKS WITH OTHER DUDES, HAVING SEX WITH THOSE DUDES? MICK FOLEY ALREADY WORKING ON A NEW BOOK ABOUT THE CURRENT ECW ANGLE IN TNA WHICH WILL EXPLAIN WHY IT IS BRILLIANT REALLY AND WAS ALL HIS IDEA AND ALSO THAT ALL HE'S FRIENDS WITH ALL THE KNOCKOUTS AND HE'S STROKE THEIR ARMS? MATT HARDY LITERALLY DRAGGING STRANGERS OFF THE STREET AND ASKING THEM TO FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER? JOHN MORRISON TO ACTUALLY HIT A NON-SHITTY LOOKING STARSHIP PAIN FOR ONCE, LOL WHO AM I KIDDING, IT'S LIKE HE LIGHTLY HEADBUTTS HIS OPPONENT'S ARM AND LOGICALLY IT SHOULD HURT HIM FOR MORE THAN THEM? HOGAN TO GET HIS WIN BACK OVER ABYSS BEFORE ACTUALLY JOBBING TO HIM AND THEN FAKE A BACK INJURY SO THAT THERE IS NO REMATCH? PLUS HOT OBSCURED PICS OF OF LAYCOOL AND THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE MEETING UP TO DISCUSS BOYS AT A NAIL SALON WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWS BLOGCHIVE CLICK HERE!

16/5/2010

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania only did eighty thousand buys worldwide (including Australia!) This is a HUGE disappointment as normally WrestleMania does at least eighty MILLION buys worldwide (including Africa!) There are SEVERAL reasons for this! One is that many people were PISSED OFF that the main event was the same two years in a row of Undertaker/Shawn and they just watched last year's match against instead of this years! Another is that 99.99% of WWE fans are YOUNG AND HIP and don't know who Bret Hart is and don't care about him getting revenger on Vince McMahon for sleeping with his wife or whatever Vince did! In fact millions of people who DID order WM are reported to have phoned their cable operator and demanded a REFUND after Bret hit Vince with the sevententh chairshot! Most cable operators refused at first but then after witnessing the twenty fourth chairshot they said "okay, you deserve a refund after that! And I deserve a bonus for watching it! If only I could scrub that match from my mind somehow!" and then started drinking heavily to forget! And the last and FINAL reason is because so many people threw WrestleMania PARTIES this year with upwards of five HUNDRED people attending which meant WWE were getting 499 LESS buys than normal for everyone of these parties! So if you watched WrestleMania by this means then YOU are PERSONALLY responsible for the low buyrate and Vince flipping out at Titan Towers when he heard that buyrate and hitting Todd Grisham in the face with a stapler! I illegally downloaded it so it's not MY fault!

If you thought last week's NXT was the last you'll see of Daniel Bryan (OR SHOULD I SAY Bryan Dragonson!?) you were DEAD WRONG!!! WWE actually has HUGE COMPLICATED plans for Bryan (OR SHOULD I SAY Brian!?) which will start this Monday on RAW live from TORONTO and here are those plans broken up into paragraphs and everything!

It will all start when The Miz and Bret Hart (in pink and black jean shorts!) are about to lock-up for the first time in their US title match! Bryan will run out through the crowd and give Miz a big dropkick and then grab the mic and say "Is this thing on? Good! I have something to say! For the last six months I have been FORCED to wrestle on NXT and use the FAKE name Daniel Bryan! I'm not going to take it anymore! I might have lost ten matches in a row on NXT, but that was only because THE BOOKERMEN told me too! That's right, those matches were FIXED! Every last one of them was FAKE and you wasted your time watching them! But from now on, everything I do will be real...DAMN REAL....starting with making Michael Cole tap out like a whore!" And he runs over and puts Michael Cole in a SHOOT armbar on the announcer table!

While everyone is distracted with this, The Miz breaks a steel chair over Bret Hart's head and gets the pin! Then Bryan looks upset and says "NOOOO!" like Darth Vader and runs into the ring and says "Bret, are you alright?" And Bret says "Yes, kid." Then Bryan says "WELL WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!" and KICKS Bret right int he head! THen he stomps on Bret's head TWENTY SEVEN TIMES to indicate that he will main event WrestleMania 27! Then Miz comes in laughed and gives Bret the Skull Crushing Finale onto a chair and says "Haha, it was a set up all along! I cut the Hart Dynasty's brakes and they all died in a car crash and now thanks to MY Hitman Daniel Bryan I have killed the Hitman too! Tell them, Dan!" And Bryan says "that's right, I'm still Daniel Bryan and I learned a lot from The Miz on NXT! Like how to kick an old man's head in! I HATE YOU STINKING FANS. I'M NOT REALLY A VEGAN!" Then he grabs Miz and kisses him full on on the lips. "AND I'M A HOMOSEXUAL!" ANd Miz looks a bit confused. This is the start of Bryan's new LOOSE CANON gimmick which will be highly original and turn the ratins around!

But then the whole thing is ruined when Buzz Aldrin comes out to the ring and says "that wasn't very nice, Bryan!" and gives him a clothesline and a MOONsault (because he's been to the moon!) from the top rope!

(Don't worry, a STUNT Bret Hart will be used for this angle! THe real Bret will be watching at home in Calgary shaking his fist at the tv! The real Buzz Aldrin WILL perform the moonsault because he learned how to be super agile on the moon in MOON GRAVITY.)

WWE currently has tentative plans for Underatker to totally destroy Jack Swagger and beat him for the title at Summerslam then injure his knee eight days later and lose the title back to swagger in a ten on one handciap match when all ten opponents piled up on him with Swagger is on the top of the pile then to defeat Swagger in a three minute long non title match a week later and take six months off for surgery!

Matt Hardy has asked his fans over Twitter to chant "WE WANT MATT!" during Drew McIntyre's matches with Kofi Kingston because he's deeply insecure and fears he'll be fired if management realizes that Kofi is superior to him in every way! Don't worry, Anti Matt fans on Twitter have countered by arranging to have people with signs reading "They're only chanting "WE WANT MATT!" because Matt Hardy is deeply inseucre and fears he'll be fired if management realizes Kofi Kingstone is superior to him in every way" at all house shows!

When Michelle McCool said "oww, my butt hurts!" on Smackdown two weeks ago that was an accidental SHOOT comment as she really DID hurt her butt! Management then gave Michelle into TROUBLE backstage as you can't say "butt" on PG WWE! She should have said "my buns" instead! Undertaker then beat the shit out of management.

CM Punk has HEAT with management for not shaving his chest hair! However Punk pointed out that Cena doesnt' shave HIS chest hair either! When management said "hold on, Cena doesn't have chest hair!" Punk said "exactly, because he's not as much as a man as me!" But then it turned out that this report was just made up by newz sites with space to fill which explains it making no sense!

ConGRADulations to my girl Layla El for finally winning teh woman's title! Ever since I frist masturwanked over Layla when she rightly won the Diva Search WAY BACK in 2006 I knew one day she'd win the Woman's title and I'd masturwank to the fact that she had won the woman's title! Layla will now be turned FACE when Michelle McCool makes a racist remark (about English people)! She will then come out to the ring like Goldberg with the fans chanting "LAY-LA" except it won't be piped in like with Goldberg because everyone loves Layla! Melina will replace Layal in Team LayCool (Team MelCool!) because she's a shoot bitch!

TNA has moved back to Monday because the fans DEMANDED it (by watching RAW instead!) In order to turnt he ratings around TNA will have some variaton of RVD versus Jeff Hardy every week, doing the exact same spots as their Invasion 2001 match in a slightly different order! Also they are planning to sign up Piggie James and have her run out during a Beautiful People segment and say "WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THEY WAY THEY IS!" and eat a whole choclate cake while Tazz says "if you can fit that whole thing in her mouth I wonder what else she can fit in there, Cole!" Then she loses clean to Lacey Von Erich in a "panties on a poll" match the next week and quits the company because she's only being paid five dollars a show.

Over The Edge is coming soon! The original plan was to have a whole pay per view of nothing but scaffold matches where the only way to win was to throw your oppoennt "over the edge" but John Cena is scared of heights and they had to change it!

Cena versus Batista in a "you quit" match will be the main event and the WWE is teaching Cena how to SHOOT in case Batista breaks from the script which he probably will, the maniac! As all of you must surely know, Batista has been receiving big money offers to go to Hollywood and star with George Clooney in a new buddy cop movie where one of the cops is a giant (Clooney, using CGI!) and the other a midget (Batista using CGI!) and will quit the WWE TEN SECONDS after Over The Edge! Batista has been acting erratic at house shows lately, coming out during Diva matches and taking notes, but then at the end saying "ah who am I kidding, I'm Batista,I've already had boht of you!" and doing a crotch chop! However my sources CLOSE to Batista (Rosa Mendes) reveal that at Over The Edge he is planning on grabbing the microphone right away and saying "I QUIT...to go to Hollywood and star in a romantic comedy with Natalie Portman where she falls in love with an alien!" and running away! So Cena will have to fill up the last half hour of the pay per view with poop jokes and body popping!

The other big title match will see Jack Swagger defend against the Big Show and ifyou think the only credible way for Swagger to beat Big Show is to hit him over the head with toolbox, pin him with his feet on the ropes for a two count, say "screw this!" and try to run away but Show catches him but Swagger gives him a low blow and rolls back into the ring with one second to spare and Show is counted out..then you must be booking for the WWE!

TNA also has a ppv at some point in time (maybe tonight!) I think! If you want a preview and spoilers, just randomly combine these words to form a sentence: "RVD" "Jeff Jarrett" "Kurt Angle" "Abyss" "Lacey Von Erich" "Beat" "Lost to" "Double countout" "Double pinfall" "Double referee stoppage" "Double heel turn on own tag partner even though it cost them the tag title" "Run in by the debuting SID!?" "Lacey Von Erich visible nip slip" "Samoa Joe's fat ass" "Sting" "Jeff Hardy" "Mister Anderson and his annoying gurning face" "Eric Young does something retarded" "Cage match" "Electric Cage match" "Shark Cage Match" "108 minute Iron Man push the button Lost tribute match" "Dixie isn't even that hot".

REAL NAME FILE

JTG = Jerry Tolkien Gatorade

Shad = Viscera Junior (he's Vis's son!)

Luke Gallows = Festus Gallows

Justin Gabriel = Gabin Justriel

Drew McIntyre = Drew MacMcIntyre (he's scottish!)

Layla El = Layla Bloodpudding (she's English!)

Eric Bischoff = Erica Bischoff (his parents thought he was a girl!)

Back some day with less Hot Newz!

RORY FROM THE HIGHLANDERS ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO GET INTO THE RING ON AN INDY SHOW HE WAS BOOKED TO COMPETE ON? TRISH STRATUS CONSDERING COMEBACK TO WRESTLE LAYLA TO FIND OUT WHO THE ULTIMATE DIVA OF ALL TIME IS, OH PLEASE TRISH MAKE IT HAPPEN? GOLDBERG TO BE PAID TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS TO END UNDERTAKER'S STREAK IN NINTEY SECONDS AT WRESTLEMANIA THEN SAY "I DID IT FOR THE KIDS WHO LOOK UP TO ME!" AND HUG SOME KIDS WHO LOOK UP TO HIM? FINAL EPISODE OF LOST TO BE A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT, I MEAN WHAT THE HELL WAS "ABOVE THE SEA" ALL ABOUT, A GLOWING CAVE, REALLY, THAT'S THE BIG SECRET, A GLOWING FUCKING CAVE AND WHY DIDN'T THEY GIVE THE MAN IN BLACK'S NAME, I HATE IT WHEN TV SHOWS DO THAT? BATISTA TO STAR IN SCORPION KING PREQUEL PREQUEL PREQUEL? AND HOT NAKED PICS OF SUNNY FROM 1998 WHEN SHE MANAGED LOD AND WAS NAKED ON A HOUSE SHOW BECAUSE HAWK BURNED ALL HER CLOTHES AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE AND BLOG CLICK HERE!!

Quicke WrestleMania thoughts!

OMG! I can't not BELIEVE how much the internet is overrating Shawn Michales versus the Underweartaker! IT SUCKED! The ENTIRE MATCH was just the two of them doing their finishing moves to each other and the other one kicking out! ANYWAY could have that match! IN fact when I used to want to be a wrestler when I was young my uncle said he'd teach me becasue he had experience and all we did was give each other finishing moves for half an hour! And then afterwards he'd put me in his submission hold the INVERTED REVERSE WASTELOCK and he'd hold me down in it for ten minutes or more and he'd REALLY grind it in but I would NEVER give up and eventually I'd hear him moaning and he'd let go and stagger away and I WOULD BE THE WINNER! He always told me not to tell anyone about that special move, probably because he was EMBARRASSED at loosing to me! He had lots of special videos of men grappling that I snuck in and watched once and he got angry. Must have been from some OBSCURE indy where they wrestle on beds instead of in the ring!

Anyway, as I was saying, Shawn Michaels and the Underneathtaker SUCK! Layla is hot!

WrestleMania, Daniel Bryan and more!

OMG I'm here with some hardcore NEWZITY (fooled you!) And the big newz is that I am NOT Hot Newz (that's why I didn't say "OMG I'm back"!) I am in fact HIS NEPHEW, none other than HOT NEWZ JUNIOR! I know all yoru mouths are gaping in shock like you can't believe it BUT YOU BETTA BELIEVE IT! I learned the game from my uncle Hot Newz! Hot Newz taught me everything he knows...but he didn't teach me everything *I* know!!! I know you're all wondering why Hot Newz has quit the internet forever and why I've taken his place so I'll tell you: it's because of what Michael Cole said on NXT. Every single word from Cole's mouth was the absolute TRUTH and it cut deeply into the heart of Hot Newz! My uncle realized that he's a DINOSAUR of the newz world, a relic of the past! Hot Newz is all about DIRTY SHEETS and GEOCITIES when we're in 2009 now, the world of TWITTER and WWE NXT! Hot Newz just couldn't get with the times...so he got the F out! Don't worry, I will continue to provide HOT NEWZ for you all...but it won't be the SMARKY SMARK gay Hot Newz that my gay uncle (he's gay by the way!) provided! So don't expect me to LICK the ASS of Daniel Bryan like Hot Newz would! In fact I'm going to interview Daniel Bryanoit later in this very update and ask him the HARD questions!!!

WWE has relased some SO CALLED Superstars! I say "SO CALLED" because if they were REALLY Superstars they wouldn't have been released at all. I know that's a CONTROVERSIAL thing to say and not something my uncle would ever say, but you're dealing with Hot Newz Junior now!

First to be released was The Hurricane! The reason for this was NOT becasue he got drunk and arrested like you SMARKS think, because if that was the case then Chris Jericho would have been released as well since he was in the car too and it would be unfair to release one and not the other and Vince is NEVER unfair! The REAL reason he was fired was becaue WWE finally got SICK of paying him two paychecks: one as a wrestler and one as an announcer! That's right, he was Gregory Helms as well! Bet you didn't know that! WWE got wise to this SCAM at last and fired him and are now saving DOUBLE the money!

Paul Burchill has also been released! The reason for this is very simple: he lost a loser leaves the WWE match to the Hurricane. How could the WWE keep him employed after that? They couldn't, it would ruin their integrity! His sister Kate is still under contract however becasue she's been wearing a corset on her way to the ring lately and Vicne wants to see where she's going with that!

Also released was Maria! The reason for this? WWE has gone PG and can't have a HARLOT in their employ! She's even been in Playboy with NO clothes! Tiffany has too, but since she did such a good job as General Manager of ECW she will be offered a managerment position and never appear on tv again and wear sexy business suits!

Finally released was Scott Armsstrong and I don't think I have to tell you that the reason why was becaue he accepted a BRIBE from CM Punk and WWE is no place for crooked referees! Also he was racist.

TNA has decided to COPY the WWE as usual by releasing Awesome Kong! Kong will now come to WWE on NXT as a rookie Diva (they're going to have rookie Divas on NXT after WrestleMania!) so that Matt Striker can reference "Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest" every week! And the returning LITA will be her mentor and keep trying to get Kong to do a "Litasault" then Kong finally does one and she's so proud of herself but Lita didn't see because she was sucking Kane's cock (they're back together!) and doesn't believe Kong really did it! Drama!

WWE will use the money they save from these four goons to rehire THE HIGHLANDERS (Robbie and Rory!) except they will be called the ENGLANDERS now (Sir Robert and Master Rorathorne!) and will wear BOWLER HATS in the ring and smoke pipes and kippers!

Mister Anderson sucks!

WrestleMania is JUST around the corner! I remember way back to the EARLY DAYS of Wrestlemania when Chris Jericho and HHH feuded over a dog (Stephanie McMahon!) and Brock Lesnar landed right on his head doing a 450 splash and it turned him into an ignorant homophobe who hates Canada! Can this year's Wrestlemania have any "WrestleMania moments" which match up to those classics? No, it can't! But it can try! Let's take a look at which matches have the best chance of providing a WrestleMania moment!

Batista versus Cena - The only way this can live up to the Wrestlemania standard is if Cena literally KILLS Batista with the STF (you hear his neck SNAP!) then Michale Cole says "Batista is dead, folks" and he's carried away on a stretcher and you never see him again (in real life he's retired to a farm where he breeds dogs and sheep...together!)!

Chris Jericho versus Edge - The only way this can live up to teh WrestleMania standard is if Edge hits a spear but then Jericho kicks out at one becasue Edge's spear looks like shit and woudln't really hurt anyone and Edge says "yeah, you're right!" and gives Jericho a GANSO BOMB off the apron for the countout win (but you can't win the title on countout!)

Bret Hart versus Vince McMahon - Who cares! I don't even know why they're fighting! Vince did the "ring the bell!" thing to Bret? Who cares, they do that every week! Angle got the bell rung on him on Impact a month ago and he's forgotten already! Bret needs to get over it! Also: how old is he? Sixty? Seventy? Can he even keep up with Vince (a proven hard worker for his age)? I doubt it! Take your bathroom break HERE instead of during the Diva's match!

The Undertaker versus Shawn Michaels - This is a tough one as they had a pretty good match last night but on the other hand it was FAR TOO LONG and hopefully this year will be cut down to a sensible time like ten minutes! Also it should be a CASKET MATCH really and Undertaker should tombstone Shawn right into the casket. That's never been done before!

CM Punk versus Rey Mysteris (mask versus hair) - Well OBVIOUSLY Rey's gonig to win because there's no way in HELL that he would EVER take his mask off EVER becasue it's ILLEGAL in Mexico to wrestle without a mask and Rey wrestles in Mexico part time when he's on a break from WWE so there's NO CHANCE OF EVER SEEING REY WITHOUT HIS MASK EVER so foget that! And if Punk loses his hair it won't even be bad for him because he's straight edge and that means you should shave your head! The only thing I can think of is that they shave Punk's head and reveal a DRUG tattoo on his skull! Like a COCAINE PIPE or something equally drugtastic! This would reveal that Punk is a HIPPOCRAT and I think that's what will happen!

Triple H versus SHAMEus - Finlay will run in after ten minutes of sweaty action and hit HHH with his IRISH STICK and reveal that he is SHAMEUS's dad as well! Then Hornswoggle will give HHH the Tadpole Splash as revege for the constant abuse he's suffered and the Finlay Dynasty will be born!

The Miz and The Big Show versus John Morrison and R Truth - Morrison has been DEMOTED to tag action after Vince noticed that Starship Pain looks like shit! And R Truth has been PROMOTED to appearing on WrestleMania becasue Vince is going to starting selling CDs of "WHAT'S UP!" at the shows! But everyone has already illegally downloaded that GREAT SONG anyway so it will backfire! Anyway this match will end when DANIEL BRYAN runs out with a chair and looks like he's going to hit the Miz but SWERVES and hits Morrison (in the back) then says "THE MIZ IS AWESOME!" and does a Miz Dance and Miz smiles and says "I have taught you well." Then Bryan gets a Miz haircut too!

Randy Orton versus Cody Rhodes verus Ted Debased - No chance of a WrestleMania moment here unless you count the world's first ten minute long threeway chinlock as a WrestleMania moment!

Money IN The Wank Ladder Match - I can't remember remember who is in this mathc but it's obvious that KOFI KINGSTON will do a Boom Drop off the top of one ladder through another ladder to have a WrestleMania moment but then Shelton Benjamin will attempt a senton bomb off the rafters onto the top of a ladder and end up landing CROTCH FIRST on Kane's knee by mistake and everyone will remember that instead of the Boom Drop! Also: Christian will win.

Diva Match: WWE is more PG than DISNEY now so there's no chance we'll see naked breasts popping out all over the place like in the GOOD OLD DAYS (my uncle used to masturwank to the classic Wendie Retard/Mae Young classic at WrestleMania 6 when all four tits popped out!) which means it is an INSULT to the hard-working fans to put the POOR WORKRATING Divas on a WrestleMania at all!

As you can see AND I THINK YOU'LL AGREE there is literally 100% NO CHANCE IN HELL of there being a classic WM Moment on this year's WrestleMania...but it'll still be better than every TNA show ever put together multiplied by a million!

Speaking of TNA, as you all stinking well know by now Hulk Hogan is the NEW head booker and Vince Russo is working under him (NOT sexually...I don't THINK so anyway...)! As a result there's been a CLASH OF EGOS and Hogan keeps rewriting everyone Russo writes! I managed to get my hands on a LEAKED script from an Impact from a month ago (or myabe it's from NEXT WEEK, it's impossible to tell with Impact!) which revealed the extent to which Hogan and Russo are clashing! And here it is!

Segment One

Russo: Okay, get this, let me lay this shit on ya mooks, Homicide comes down to the ring. He's literally in the ring talking! He says "JEFF HARDY! You son of a coward scaredy cat! I know you're in prison for trafficking - AND THAT'S A SHOOT BY THE WAY - but if you was any kind of a damn man at all you'd break out of your cell, murder all the guards that got in your way, steal a police car and drive over here to the Impact Zone to fight me right in the middle of this ring...in a TEXAS HOLD 'EM DEATH MATCH!" Jeff Hardy's music plays (we don't have the rights to his WWE music, of course, so play something vaguely similar and have Tazz says "NOT FOR NOTHING THAT'S JEFF HARDY'S MUSIC I'D RECOGNISE IT ANYWHERE!"...

SWERVE, it's actually Mick Foley who comes out, riding down to the ring on a stretcher for some reason (like he did in '98 which I wrote and it'll look just as cool today!) and he pulls a microphone out of his shoes because he's KOOKY and says "you know what Homicide I'm sick of your CRAP coming out here every week saying the same thing about wanting Jeff Hardy to break out of jail! And also everyone knows that I want a meeting with Hulk Hogan and everyone ALSO knows that later on this show the Hulkster's going to have a meeting with every champion in TNA so I'm going to win YOUR stinking X Division title which I don't even want just to get a meeting with Hogan, bang bang!" Foley INSTANTLY gives Homicide a pedigree (as an insider reference) and it's so quick that people on the internet will speculate that Homicide TOOK A DIVE for him! However before he can make the pin, STING (who is up in the rafters of course, logically!) drops his baseball bat and Foley catches it and the referee sees Foley holding the bat and disqualifies him! Then Tenay speculates that Sting is in CAHOOTS with someone but before he can reveal who it's TOO THE BACK!

Hogan: Brother, I love it. But I'd make some key changes. First of all, dude, Homicide should challenge Jeff to a "LATINO STREET FIGHT IN THE STREETS" since he's one of them latin dudes, brother. Second of all, brah, Foley should hit the Stunner instead of the Pedigree so that the rubes will think Cold Stone's coming to TNA. Sting should drop the bat by ACCIDENT and Tazz says "BUTTERFINGERS!!!" and this starts a storyline where Sting's lost his confidence and only finding faith in the strength of Hulkamania can help him get it back! And Foley should call me "the Great Hulk Hogan." Otherwise you've hit one out of the park, dude!

Segment Two

Russo: Ric Flair arrives in the arena with a CHINESE WOMAN on his arm but refuses to speak to Bubba Sponge! In the background, Raven is eating out of a trash can!

Hogan: Dude, you know, I know Flair and I think it should be a KOREAN WOMAN with him, brother, not no Chinese dame, dude. But good call on Raven (he's that fat guy in jean shorts, isn't he)! We're firing him soon anyway!

Russo: Maybe he could find a pink slip in the trash?

Hogan: Dude, that's tremendous! Then a garbage truck could drive up and haul him away with the rest of the garbage, brah!

Segment Three

Russo: The Beautiful People come MARCHING out to the ring and barely even pause to show their asses as they enter (but they still do pause and the director should still zoom in, let me make that clear!) then say "okay we are SICK of that SKANK Angelina Love constantly attacking our asses! We need our asses! Angelina, come out here now with a partner OR SHOULD I SAY SKANK-NER of your choosing and fight us in this ring you skank!" Then some music that sounds a bit like Lady GaGa plays and Angelina comes out with a woman dressed exactly as LADY GAGA (Tazz: "Could it be her, Cole?") and the Beautiful People run away in fear because they know they can't defeat Angelina and GaGa! Then Angelina KISSES GaGa and she pulls her wig off to reveal that it's TORRIE WILSON and she says "that's right, it's me, Torrie Wilson!" in case anyone doesn't recognize her!

Hogan: Hmm, bro, theres' a few problemos with this. I don't know who this Lady Gaggy is, first of all. I say Angelina (who's she anyway?) should come out with my daughter Brooke and says "that's right, I'm here with the boss's daughter, OR SHOULD I SAY HOT-AUGHTER!" Then Brooke throws Angelica off the stage and says "my only loyality is to my big buff daddy, sistah!" Then them two girls in the ring should run like fun, brother!

Segment Four

Russo: THE POPE comes out to the ring but before he can talk he's interrupted by Orlando Jordan and Kipp Jammes (rehire him if he's fired!) Kipp says "I've finally found a MAN who is MAN enough to be the MAN for me and that is Orlando!" and then they act like they're about to KISS but at the last second SO CAL VAL holds a piece of paper up between their lips so that they don't actually make contact and it's ambiguous as to if they're gay or not! Then the Pope's about to attack them but before he can, RHYNO has run out through da crowd and he GORES the Pope and says "you want a title shot, I WANT A TITLE SHOT, FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW IN A TITLE SHOT MATCH!, I'M NOT A WAR MACHINE BECAUSE THE WWE HOLD THE COPYRIGHT TO THAT PHRASE, I AM NOW A WAR ROBOT!" and makes robot noises! Then he picks up Pope and Pope ROLLS HIM UP and So Cal Val counts the three and Pope's got a title shot by beating Rhyno!!

Hogan: Dude, you lost me at the gay. I ain't no homophobe, brah, I even shook hands with the Brookyln Brawler one time, but you got to remember we've got children watching and kids shouldn't find out homosexuality exists until they turn eighteen. That's how I'm rasing Brooke and Nasty Nick and they've turned out to be great kids. Maybe Orlando and Kipp could kiss some SEXY TWINS (female twins)? There has to be some sexy twins we can hire! But I'm fine with Rhyno and Pope doing their stuff, it's all meaningless anyway!

Segment Five

Russo: Scott Hall and X-Pac come out and say "hey yo, DIESEL ENGINE, we be here, but it don't look like you got no tag partner or nothing, ha ha ha!" Then Nash says "that's where you're wrong, here is my partner!" and out comes BIG SID (his offcial name!) Sid is wearing tights which say "HALF A BRAIN" on them which is a SUBTLE reference only internet fans will get...so have Tenay and Tazz draw attention to it and keep laughing all throughout the match. Nash and Sid hit STEREO POWERBOMBS through TABLES and finally Nash has revenge on The Band! However afterwards Big Sid grabs the mike and says "REMEMBER OUR AGREEMENT! WE WILL NOW HAVE A CONTEST TO SEE WHO THE REAL KING OF POWERBOMBS IS!" and Nash says "Umm, sure, big man. Hey, look over there!" and points at So Cal Val and while Big Sid is distracted Nash gives him a LOW BLOW (but not a powerbomb, obviously neither of these men are ever going to take that bump so this feud will have no payoff)

Hogan: Umm, I never actually pinned Sid at WrestleMania 8, did I? In fact that nasty Mumbo Jumbo Vodoo Man Papa Shango messed up the timing and Big Sid even got to kick out of my legdrop! So this is a good idea bringing Big Sid in, because it means I can have a match with him (maye this week if there's time!) and pin him with the legdrop. Except I can't actually do the legdrop anymore. So brass knux then. Dude! Uhh, anyway, the match is fine. Can we just get onto a segment which has me in it, please?

Segment Six

Russo: Okay, let's pop a rating with this one, HULK HOGAN comes marching out to the ring and says "I know this isn't scheduled yet, but I could wait no longer, brothers! I'm calling out EVERY champion in TNA for a sepcial meeting in this ring to discuss the future of TNA right now!" Instead of the champions, JEFF JARRETT comes marching out in STREET CLOTHES and says "Hogan, I can't stand listening to you no more! You think you know what's best for TNA? I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR TNA. I put the T in TNA! And the N! And the A! And ain't I GREAT?" Then he pulls a GUITAR out of his tights and threatens Hogan with it! Hogan says "take a swing, brother, I'll just Hulk Up and give you three punches, a big boot and a brass knux shot, brother!" Jarrett swings but at the last second BRUTUS BEEFCAKE jumps in the path of the guitar and takes it right in the head! Then Hogan cradles Beefcake in his arms and cries "no, NOOOO, not the Beefster, he was my best friend!" Beefcake in his DYING MOMENTS (of course he's not really dying, it's just acting!) hands Hogan a pair of SCISSORS and Hogan starts Hulking Up and says "Jeff, I challenge you to a HAIR VERSUS HAIR MATCH!!!"

Hogan: You know, I don't think it necessarily needs to be acting.

Russo: What?

Hogan: When Beefcake takes the guitar. I think he'd be willing to die for real!

Russo: Umm...we just use fake guitars.

Hogan: Fake guitars, that's bullshit, brah! The fans don't want to see no fake guitars or six sided rings or Curry Man or any of that crap! They want REAL guitars! Look, Beefcake's probably suicidal anyway, you would be too if you had his life. This will show that he's willing to die for Hulkamania!

Russo: Uhh...okay...

Hogan: Then it's settled! Also, Jeff Jarrett should be wearing purple which everyone knows is the colour of EVIL to show that he's EVIL and I'm good. And he should say "these stinking fans!" randomly when he's talking.

Segment Seven

Russo: Mister Anderson comes out to the ring with the American flag on a poll and says "Kurt Angle! Let's settle this once and for all in a capture the flag match!" And Kurt Angle comes out and says "it ain't not gonna by that easy for you or nothing! If you win this match I will EAT the american flag LIVE on tv! But If I win the match...I get to roll you up in the flag and throw you off a bridge!" Then Anderson looks around and says "IT'S ON LIKE TAMPONS" and smashes his microphone into Kurt's eye and the microphone EXPLODES and Kurt blades and Tazz says "oh no, he's blind!" Anderson then gets the pin PULLING THE TIGHTS and takes out some bread and puts the flag between it so that Kurt can eat it as a SANDWICH! Kurt takes a big bite right out of the middle of the sandwich flag and the fans BOO but then Kurt pulls the bread away to reveal it's actually the CANADIAN flag with a big hole bitten out of it and he switched them somehow! Then Kurt starts MAULING Anderson with STIFF FOREARMS and BITES until Anderson TAPES OUT and Kurt pulls on the ring apron and the whole thing rolls over Anderson and somehow the ringmat was a GIANT AMERICAN FLAG all along and then Kurt gives Anderson a 450 splash wrapped up in the flag!

Hogan: Dude, I'm on the phone to Brian Knobbs right now, he's fallen over in the show...shit, he's stuck in his tub...I'm going to have to go over there and pry him out...yeah, do that shit with Kurt, I don't care!

The rest of the script was so completely obscured by semen stains that I couldn't read it!

And now for my EXCLSUIVE interview with Daniel Bryan! What a jumped-up prick he turned out to be, as you're about to discover!

Me: OMG, it's Daniel Bryan!

Daniel: Hi, good to talk to you.

Me: It's so kewl to be talking to you, dood!

Daniel: Haha, you a big fan?

Me: No, but you know The Miz! Miz is awesome!

Daniel: Haha, he's a bit of a jerk.

Me: Stop saying "haha" so much.

Daniel: Look, I'm just trying to keep things nice and friendly, I have a good relationship with my fans...

Me: I'm not a fan! I didn't even know who you were before NXT! You never did shit before WWE!

Daniel: Look, I've wrestled all over the world...

Me: LIKE WHERE?

Daniel: Canada, Mexico...

Me: Oooh, it must be SO hard to work in Meixco, doing nothing but armdrags everynight in front of fifty drunks with air horns and cowbells!

Daniel: Japan...

Me: Who cares! Japan isn't a real wrestling company!

Daniel: I've wrestled in front of tens of thousands of fans in New Japan show...

Me: LIAR! There aren't even tens of thousands of people LIVING in Japan! It's just a stinking little island!

Daniel: There's some great wrestling companies running shows in Japan...

Me: So why do all the biggest Japanese stars like TAKA Michinoclue, The Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Yoko Zuna, Jimmy Wang yang and of course Kenzo Suzuki come to America to wrestle? YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER, DO YOU? It's becasue America is the place to be!

Daniel: I thought Hot Newz was a respected wrestling journalist!

Me: That was my GAY uncle who was a GAYspected wrestling GAYalist! Did you never see his Hot Newz Shuffle? That was gayer than your haircut! I'm a whole new Hot Newz and I don't respect you or your submission moves!

Daniel: Fine. Just ask me some good questions.

Me: Your new finisher the Heel Hook...why is it such a GAY copy of Kurt Angle's ankle lock?

Daniel: The heel hook is a legit move used by many MMA fighters...

Me: MMA is all fake anyway and you've just PROVED IT by seeing the heel hook is a legit move! If it's legit then EXPLAIN THIS: why do you twist the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY than Kurt Angel does when he uses the ankle lock? If Kurt twisting the ankle that way hurts, then you twisting the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY must feel GOOD! You're actually giving your opponent a nice massage! You fruit!

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your "new" crossface is just Shawn Michaels' great crossface except you stick your foot in your opponent's face! What, are they supposed to pass out from the smell because you're a cheap indy guy who can't afford CLEAN SOCKS?

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your guilloting choke couldn't even beat da Great Khali!

Daniel: Hey, Khali is a former world champion, he's beaten The Undertaker...

Me: Years ago! And only because Raijin Shing stole the urn or something! His workrate is so low now that he can't bet Dolph Ziggler! He can't beat Matt Hardy in a dance-off!

Daniel: Look, he's got a big size advantage...

Me: FUNAKI has a big size advnatage against you! When are you actually going to WIN anyway? You've lost to everyone! You lost again this week!

Daniel: Miscommunication with my partner...

Me: No, you missed a move off the second-rope and Otunga gave you a shitty spinebuster for the pin! Why should I even care about you at all if you can't even win a match? WHY SHOULD ANYBODY CARE?

Danie: Come on...at least I'm better than Heath Slater!

Me: Okay, that's true!

PHONECALL ENDS

Well that's it for me, this job SUCKS I'm never doing it again, Uncle Hot Newz isn't coming back either because he's probably DEAD! SO BYE!

SAMOA JOE FOUND HIDING IN A KFC, CRYING "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO TNA AND RUSSO'S BOOKING!"? MARTY JANNETY TO SHOW UP DRUNK AT THE HALL OF FAME AND SHOUT "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME, SHAWN, THAT BARBERSHOP WINDOW WAS A REAL WINDOW!" THEN FALL OVER? THE REAL REASON HOT NEWZ QUIT IS BECAUSE HE MASTURWANKED HIMSELF INTO A COMA OVER LAYLA EL? UNDERTAKER TO TAKE A YEAR OFF AFTER WRESTLEMANIA BUT STILL WIN NEXT YEAR ANYWAY INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PUTTING SOMEONE OVER FOR ONCE, SERIOUSLY WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME HE DID A JOB, WAS IT AGAINST GREAT KHALI? MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF DIXIE CARTER SALINAS AND JEFF JARRET AT A NUDE BITCH DOING THE SPINAROONIE NAKED WITH VISIBLE NIP SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG/ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!