Wednesday, 30 December 2009
30/12/2009 - Tommy Dreamer
Friday, 20 November 2009
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
28/10/2009 - Divas and Knockouts Special!
Thanx Hot Newz, love your newz, and the new HOT NEWZ BLOG! Anyway, enough chit-chat, as I'm sure you've heard Shane McMahon has jumped to TNA! Shane will make his debut on the NEXT Impact when AJ Styles says "okay, I will defend my title again ANYONE!" and a MASKED MAN runs out and SPEARS AJ (Shane used to do a spear!) Then the masked man says "hey, where's the referee?" and SHANE runs out through the crowd wearing a LEATHER JACKET and a referee's shirt and raises the masked man's hand in victory! BUT THEN Shane SWEVES the masked man with a clothesline and a SUPER SHANE ELBOW off the top and hugs AJ! Then AJ pulls the mask off and it's MISTER KENNEDY underneath, but then the lights go off and when they come back on Kennedy is gone and AJ is lying in the corner bleeding and VINCE RUSSO is pointing a BLACK baseball bat (is it Sting's!?) with "is it Sting's!?" written on the side in lipstick at AJ! Then Tazz says "just another day in da Impact Zone, Cole!"
That woudl be great! However, you are an IDIOT and that is NTO going to happen as TNA recently spent ALL their money in hiring Nigel McGuinness! Nigel will wrestle under the name Damian Hellstorm and carve OCCULT SYMBOLS into his opponents! If you don't know who Nigel is, then you have a lot of company! Nigel is that guy from Ring of Honor who says "wankers!" and injures his arms doing fifteen clotheslines a match. He isn't very good, really. Should do well in TNA!
BREAKING NEWZ: Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff have BOUGHT TNA from Dixie and Jeff! Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs will be the new commissioner, Brutus Beefcake the new beefcake (replacing Matt Morgan, or so my gay friends tell me!) and Jimmy Hart will feud with Don West for Red's contract and win when West gets bored and goes off to smoke pot with SoCal Val! MORE on this story in my next update when I'll be reporting on just WHY Hogan has quit TNA after only a month and on how much that match he had with Mick Foley sucked!
Anyway, the ONLY thing worth talking about these days is Divas and Knockouts and Divaouts! So thats' why I'm gonig to RATE the ten best in terms of a combination of how smart, sexy and powerful they are! And here are those ratings!!! Below!!!
10) Tara - She ain't the lady to mess with, WHOOP. Tara (real name VicTARAia!) is best known for that time she dressed up as a banana and ripped off Family Guy (who were ripping off something obscure for no apparent reason, hilariously!) and did a dance! She is now in TNA where she has had to resor to capturing a spider before every show, trapping it in a glass and bringing it to the ring! After the show she releases the spider into Jeremy Borash's PANTS in a hilarious rib! She does lots of slaps in her matches. She is going to fight Kitty Coulture or someone in a worked shoot fake real MMA match which no one will care about. She was better when she had TATU as her music and used to steal Trish's lipstick and hide it between her legs.
TARA FACT: She can't swim but loves diving...FOR MUFF!
TARA FACT TWO: She aint' the lady to mess with, WHOOP.
9) Kelly Kelly - Kelly Kelly is well known for having a smelly belly! However she is also sexy and powerful (but not smart, obviously. I mean, she's blond!) Kelly is actually the Miz's hot cousin and got involved with wrestling one day when he called her up and said "hey, want to dance on ECW and probably sleep with Randy Orton? You know you do!" Kelly has actually worked REALLY HARD (no boner jokes!) to become a GOOD WORKER and now does cool moves like headscissors and spinning headscissors! On Superstars last week she CARRIED Gail Kim to a THREE STAR MATCH to the amazement of everyone (Kim's workrate has SUCKED since she left TNA for WWE, and even then her workrate was far higher back when she used to wrestle in Korea!)
KELLY KELLY FACT: She's so hot that Randy Orton has never even took a dump in her bag!
8) Velvet Sky - If you're accusing me of ONLY including Velvet Sky on the list for the SOLE REASON of how HOT her ASS looks when she ENTERS the ring...then you're nearly right! However, I also like her tits!
VELVET SKY FACT: Her finishing move is a top rope hair toss! She did it on a house show I attended and it was FIERCE!
7) Katie Lea - So hot her brother was going to incest her on camera until Vince said "look, pal, we're PG now, so incest her in private like me and Steph do, okay?" and Burchill nodded knowingly! Katie was the BIGEST STAR EVER in English wrestling where she wrestled under the name "Margaret Thatcher Junior" (it makes sense to the tea-guzzling Brits!) She beat LADY BIG BEN for the English title in a match watched by over twelve Brits at the Cricket Arena! Her finishing move was the BACKFLIP ROCK BOTTOM which is so cool that Triple H banned it in case anyone associated it with his hated enemy The Rock, who Triple H does NOT want anyone thinking is cool! It hasn't worked, I still think The Rock's cool! Anyway, Katie is a good wrestler but the problem is she's the ONLY woman wrestler on ECW and has to work inter-gender matches with Yoshi Tatsu every week instead of fighting other women. And also her face looks a bit weird sometimes. Hot body though!
KATIE LEA FACT: She is shoot bisexual and once kissed one of the Bella Twins but didn't know which one and then kissed the OTHER ONE a few days later and that one is actually a noted HOMOPHOBE and she reported Katie to Vince but Vince was so turned on that he thought it was all a wet dream and never knew the complaint really happened!
6) Daffney - Daffney first broke into the business a LONG time ago back when WCW was still in business and Sable, Sunny and Wendi Ritcher ruled the Diva world! Despite being REALLY OLD Daffney still looks young because she made a deal with Satan never to age! Daffney spent the ten years between WCW going out of business and TNA getting desperate and hiring her in a mental home where she met Abyss (he wasn't a patient, he was trying to pick up hot crazy girls!) and Doctor Stevie (he's really a dentist in his spare time and he looked at her teeth!) She now takes ridiculously dangerous bumps in order to help that fat piece of shit Mick Foley stay in the spotlight! I'd hit it.
DAFFNEY FACT: She hates cats!
5) Beth Phoenix - THE GLAMAZON! So called because she was actually BORN in the amazon (to ALL AMERICAN parents, of course!) Back in the OLD DAYS (1999) muscular women in wrestling all looked like Chyna and Asya and Afryca! However NOW we have the muscual BUT ALSO FEMININA Beth Phoenix who has blond har, a reasonable face, giant breasts and POWERFUL THIGHS for crushing male crotches! She is also a good worker (but not as good as Chyna was, obviously) and it was funny when her and Santino were sixty-nining that one time and HHH walked in and said "69 should be a crime!" and spat water on them.
GLAMAZON FACT: She makes Natayla look like a bag of puke!
4) Mickie James - More like THICKIE James and I'm not talking about her intlligence...I'm talking about the thickness of her a thighs! Unlike Beth Phoenix Mickie is NOT powerful at all and in fact just loves eating burgers and ham! That's cool by me as I LOVE food too! It's good that WWE hired someone who is about the same size as their average viewer! Mickie used to be married to AJ Styles on the indies but got divorced when she orally cheated on him with the entire ROH lockeroom! Mickie tried to argue that if it's oral it's moral so she wasn't really cheating, but AJ is a Christian and was having none of it and Pele kicked Gabe Spalosky in rage (ironically Gabe was the one person Mickie refused to blow!)! This is how Mickie got her nickname: BJ James! Mickie turned to lesbiansim in WWE and once SHOOT grabbed Trish's crotch and SHOOT licked her SHOOT hand a Wrestlemania in a scene so hot that I've never been able to achieve orgasm since as no scenario I can imagine can ever come close to being that hot again! She's a pretty good wowrker and that kick she does sometimes actually looks good!
MICKIE JAMES FACTT: She dated Kenny Dykstra because his name sounds like "DYKE STAR" for a while before she rembered she's a lesbian now and seduced Stephanie McMahon (Triple H was busy watching Glamarella 69 at the time!)
3) ODB - Surprised? ODB REALLY IS smart and powerful, she just pretends she's not for her gimmick! She isn't sexy though. Eww. Anyway ODB proves that ANYONE can make it to wrestling by playing a redneck alcoholic character (she's actually a straight edge Harvard grad!) thus inspiring the redneck viewers of TNA to become wrestlers! One such viewer is Cody Deaner who is NO gimmick and really is like that and ODB has to keep up kayfabe around him, even to the point of letting him have sex on her, just so that he never finds out it's all fake! ODB once had a good match with Angelina Love or something.
ODB FACT: ODB stands for Oh Do Behave!
2) Sally Shadowmoon - An indy wrestler so obscure and hot that YOU couldn't possibly know who she is and if you google her all you'll get is "Did you mean Sally Field?" but she IS real and she DOES exist and I WOULD hit it! Sally broke into wreatling way back in 2007 for PUNCHKICK wrestling, an indy so indy that they don't even have a ring so they have to wrestle on mats, except they don't even have mats so they have to wrestle on towels! Sally feuded with a young Alicia Fox back when she was still cool and not a sell out and invented a new move called the SHADOW OF STARLIGHT which is kind of like a moonsault fused with a powerbomb! Sally was meant for big things and eventually (last month) made it to a company that actually has rings and she might have a TNA tryout at some time in the future if she can borrow enough money from her sister to buy a bus ticket to get to Orlando! She is 5'6.
SALLY SHADOWMOON FACT: There are no facts about Sally Shadowmoon, just opinions!
1) Layla El - SWERVER~!~!~!~ After all these hot years Hot Newz can STILL surprise the hotnewzaholics! You all thought I was going to be a workrate freak and rank Astonishing Kong at number one! You fools! She might be the best female worker EVER, so good that she's ALMOST as good as the worst MALE worker ever (Greg Valentine) but I said I was ranking on a combination of how smart, sexy and powerful these ladies are! Kong might be powerful but she's NOT sexy (unless you're her husband Kip James!) and she's NOT smart (she can't even speak no English!) That's why LAYLA EL is the BIZZEST woman in wrestling TODAY or even TOMORROW! Layla is SMART (she's English and everyone from England is a super smart scientist like Stephen Hawking and Alfred Einstein, so she MUST be smart!), she is of course SEXY (look at her ass and nose!) and she is DECEPTIVELY powerful (she once bodyslammed Mickie James which is the female equivalent to slamming Andre!) Layla has been my favouritest Diva ever since she won Diva Search by doing a dance and when she was on ECW and used to dance and when she managed Regal and DRANK TEA and when she returned to Smackdown and did a dance! I guarantee you she will win the Diva's or Woman's title (I can't remember which brand she's on) before the end of the decade! She is also my most masturwanked Diva for the 21st century!
LAYLA FACT: She's the only one who ever gives good answers on "Ask The Divas"!
I decided to call Layla on the phone to tell her of this HONOR!
Me: Hello, Layla El?
Layla: Cheerio, old bean! I just popped out for a spot of cricket and blood scones, what what!
Me: Yep! Anyway, I'd like to tell you of a SPECIAL HONOR I have bestowed on you!
Layla: Tell me more, chap!
Me: You are my most masturwanked over Diva of the 21st century!
Layla: Eww, that's gorss...grossly inappropriate, old...pervert.
Me: Oh, and you also topped my list of the GREATEST Diva OR Knockout!
Layla: Topped it, you say? OR Knockout, you also say? Well, that's different! Thank you!
Me: Thank YOU for all the masturwanks!
Layla: Cheerio!
Me: Wait, does that mean hello or goodbye?
Layla: Fucked if I know, dood!
PHONECALL ENDS
She's only pretending to be English to get William Regal into bed!
OH crap, I just remembered that EVE TORRES is also hucking fot and should be on that list somewhere! Eve, if you're reading this, I'm sorry and I actually HATE Layla and love you! I'll be back soon with less Hot Newz, SEEYA then!!!!!
BIG VIS SET FOR COMEBACK IN ROH, WEIGHT DOWN TO 250 POUNDS? EVE TORRES AND LAYLA'S COMBINED HOTNESS GREATER THAN THAT OF SUNNY, SABLE AND TERRI RUNNELS? KEVIN NASH NOT REALLY ALL THAT FUNNY ON TNA AND IN ACTUAL FACT HUGELY OVERRATED BY INTERNET COMMENTATORS WHO JUST WANT TO LOOK COOL BY LIKING WHATEVER PERCEIVED "SMARKS" DISLIKE? SURVIVOR SERIES TO FEATURE THE RETURN OF WAR GAMES BUT IN THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER AND WITH BARBERED WIRE RING ROPES...LOL, ONLY JOKING, THEY'D NEVER DO THAT, WAR GAMES SUCKED ANYWAY, EVERYTHING YOU LIKED SUCKS, I'M SO COOL? MATT HARDY TO POST COHERENT TWITTER MESSAGE? MICK FOLEY TO WRITE NEW BOOK ABOUT THAT PIECE OF SHIT MATCH HE HAD WITH ABYSS EXPLAINING WHY IT WAS THE BEST MATCH EVER AND HOW IF YOU SAY ANYtHING BAD ABOUT HIM OR HIS BOOKS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT SICK CHILDREN AND ANOTHER TWO HUNDRED PAGES ON HOW HE TALKED TO MELINA BACKSTAGE AT SMACKDOWN FOR FIVE MINUTES ONCE? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF EVE TORRES AND LAYLA REACTING TO MY RANTING OF THEM WITH AROUSAL AND THE BRAND NEW HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!
Sunday, 18 October 2009
5/6/09
BREAKING (like Kennedy's wrist) newz: Kennedy has now been REALISED from his contract! However this is just to save money so they don't have to pay him while he's injured and he WILL be rehired when he's healthy...in 2017!!!
In an interesting move, TNA has brought in Raven and Shane Douglas despite them being fat and old! This ISN'T being done because they're still talented and still have something to offer the company (they aren't and they don't!) but rather to confuse ECW fans who ruined their brains with drugs in the nineties and trick them into think it's still the nineties and they're still watch ECW! TNA will also sign Tajiri, Little Guido, Big Sal (or Big Guido if Sal isn't available), 911, Mike Awesome, the Sandman and Charlie Pain (remember him!?) to complete the illusion! But they won't sign Sunny and she'll go on a bitter internet rant about how she wouldn't want to sign with them anyway and how she could be WWE having sex with Randy Orton or Mike Knox if she wanted to be!
TNA has ALSO signed Tazz, not because he used to be in ECW but because he is awesome! Tazz will be revealed as Samoa Joe's new MENTO and Joe will rub his palms together and say "soon my master I will have all the souls you require" then Tazz steps out of the shadows wearing a towel and says "yes my child, growing up in the HOOK with Joey Numbers I know a thing or ten about souls, now I will join you in claiming the soul of Shark Boy!" Then Tazz joins Joe in the ring as Joe puts Sharkboy in his new finisher, the boston crab (to impress Tazz!) but then after Shark Boy has tapped out Tazz will say "thank you...FOR NOTHING!" and kick Joe in the balls three times! Then Tazz says "Hahahaha, it was a set up all along you biatch, I wanted you to take all the biggest threats like Shark Boy and Lauren so that I can take over TNA forever, survive if you want, DIE if I let you!" then kicks Joe in the balls a FORTH time and Don West says "that's it Mike, I QUIT!" at the exact same time in a totally unrelated storyline and storms off!
The feud between Layla and Eve is based on a REAL LIFE incident where Layla put on a pair of Eve's boots thinking they were hers and Eve said "excuse me, those are mine" and Layla said "cheerio, ever so sorry old chap, tally ho!" (she's english!) and gave them back. So as you can see there's some BAD BLOOD there!
Ric Flair WILL wrestle again but to get around the fact that he's retired all his matches will be UNSACTIONED and refereed by Little Naitch Charles Robinson who is not an OFFICIAL refereer! But the matches will still be hugely disappointing and leave you wishing he wouldn't wrestle again and he will take five backdrops in every match and hit nothing but chops!
SPEAKING of TNA, they recently recorded 14 weeks of television in 17 hours at the Impact Zone and I was in attendance so here's some NOTES on things I saw in that time be prepared for SPILLERZ!
- Backstage the Beautiful people of Angelina Sky and Velvet Love were talking about how they have to do something shocking and sex to increase ratings other than just show their asses going through the rings ropes! Velvet suggested a mud wrestling match but in a special kind of "sticky, white mud that men produce when they think about us" but I didn't know what she meant by that. Angelina came up with the idea that instead of that they would MAKE OUT sexually in the ring with a sexy kiss! They came out to the ring (and both are MUCH HOTTER in person by the way...and even hotter in my bedroom after the show!) and Mike Tenay said "NO WAY, NO WAY THIS CRAP IS GOING DOWN, THIS CRAP, THIS IS CRAP, THOSE TWO CRAPPERS, I HATE THEM, CRAP!" Just as they were about to kiss though TYLER WILDE ran out and PUNCHED them both on the mouth and when they tried to kiss it hurt their lips so they couldn't do it! And then VICTORIA (who is also HOTTER in person and than when she was in WWE becasue Undertaker insisted she make herself look less hot so as not to take attention away from Michelle McCool the bastard) ran out and hit some really slow looking punches and a double Widow's Peak on both of them then spontaneously KISSED Velvet on the lips and Velvet was INTO IT and the two of them made out for a full five minutes! Tenay reacted by jumping up on his deks dancing about licking his lips like a madman shouting "YES, YES, THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO SEE, THAT IS SO MONEY RIGHT THERE!" and West said "Mike, you're a hypocrite!" then Tenay just KICKED West right in the face full force and said "your parents were hypocrites when they didn't use birth control!" and did a crotch chop!
- The Samoa Joe/AJ storyline FINALLY came to an end when they had a match where if AJ won Joe would be his friend against but if Joe won then Daniels would have to be Joe's friend and also butler wearing one of those butle suits! Anyway the match was a draw when Daniels ran in with a DVD of Clerks which they used to all watch together and quote all the lines to each other ("I'm not even supposed to be here today lol!") and said "why can't we just all be friends again!" Then AJ and Joe both destroyed Daniels and hogtied him up and hung him from the rafters and beat him with sticks and straps and thumbtacks as he hung upside and AJ joined the Ministry of Violence!
- On another show Kip James came out dressed as a cowboy and acting like a face even though he'd been a heel on the previous show and said "that's right, let me introduce you to be my partner and my brother "Lefty" Bart "The Hammer" Gunn!" and the Smoking Gunns were back together! They then beat Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns in a 4 on 2 handicap match in three minutes then Beer Money came out and said "you know when we were growing up we wanted to be the Smoking Gunn, you guys are the best!" and had a beer with them! Then on the next taping Tenay announced the Smoking Gunns had been released.
- On another taping DAFFNEY came out to wrestle Awesome Kong and the fans cheered Daffney wildly of course (some even openly masturwanked!) because she's a HOT GOTH but then Daffney took the mic and said "you fools, I'm not a goth at all, I'm an EMO!" and the fans booed because emos suck! Awesome Kong threw packets of noodles out to the crowd and did a funny dance because she's a face now! Kong hit five implant busters until suddenly Raheesha Sayid hit KONG with a F5 and Daffney got the pin! Then Raheesha took her ARAB ROBES off and underneath she was a hot emo too so it made sense! Then her and Daffney made out and Tenay said "CRAP, CRAP, CUT THIS CRAP, CUT IT NOW!" then West said "hey, they're emos, they'll cut themselves!" and Tenay slapped him.
- Shark Boy took SoCal Val out on a date but was offended when she ordered seafood and gaver her a stunner!
- Another storyline playing out during the tapings involved Jeff Jarrett hiring LEX LUGER to take out Scott Steiner but then Luger turned on Jarrett(!!!!) and RACKED HIM UP! Then when Jarrett had recovered five seconds later he said "at Slammiversary you will wrestle SAMOA JOE in a DEATH MATCH!" Luger barbed backstage and Jeremy Boringrash ran up and said "mister Luger, mister Luger, your thoughts please on having to wrestle Joe at Slammiversary" and Luger said "what kind of a man a DISGUSTING, DESP...DECEPTICON man is that Jeffy What'shisname booking me in a match with Samoa Joe at Super Slammerday? Slamboree? Starrcade? Taboo Tuesday? What is the name of it anyway, Slammiverary? Can he even afford to pay me? Probably, I'm desperate for money! I'm one of the biggest legends of all time, GOD these pants are chaffing me..." then he tried to pull off his pants but they got stuck and he ended up writhing around on the ground trying to get them off! "And your pants are too tight too, Jeffy!" Then Scott Steiner bounced by on a pogo stick.
- The next week was supposed to have Jarrett wrestling Luger in a SHAKING RING match (a bunch of jobbers stood around the ring making it shake with their arms during the match) but Jim Cornette came out holding a brown envelope with the words "DRUG TEST" printed on it in giant letters and said "fortunately Lex Luger cannot compete tonight for VARIOUS REASONS so instead you will take on A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, SLAPTEETH!" and ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL kind of just staggered into the ring! Animal hit Jarrett with a clothesline but fell on his ass then roll out of the ring where he stood panting and struggling to breathe for about five minutes then he said "you know what I've been doing this shit for twenty five years and it's enough, I QUIT!" and stormed out! Then Jarrett stood in the ring for five minutes until ERIC YOUNG ran in dressed as Xena Warrior Princess for some reason and gave him a death valley driver and said "respect that, bookerman!" AND THEN a black guy in a Ronald Reagan mask came out to the top of the stage and POINTED at Eric Young in a threatening manner and Mike Tenay said "that's probably Bobby Lashley but we can't confirm it for legal reasons!"
- On another show the main event was Mick Foley defending the title agaisnt Sting (who had earned the shot the previous week by beating Matt Morgan in an ARM WRESTLING CONTEST) in a match where if Sting won who got co-ownership of TNA whereas if Foley won he got co-ownership of Sting's contract! Then eight seconds later KURT ANGLE Olympic slammed a shopping cart into Sting's face (BUT WAS HE AIMING FOR FOLEY!?) and the Mickster got the pin! Mick said "and NOW that I own you, Sting, I ORDER you to kiss my royal feet!" and took his shoes off and he had a STINKING FOOT underneath! Sting bent down like he was going to kiss the foot...but then he gave Mick THREE low blows instead and stomped on his toes! Sting said "in case you can't tell, that's not just a no, it's an OH HELL TOE!" and did a crotch chop!
- On another show Mike Tenay gave Don West a DDT through the announce table but I can't remember why.
It was the fourth best set of TNA tapings this year!
WWE Extreme Rules is coming soon! Not sure when, might be Sunday, might be a week on Sunday, might have already been! But it's definitaly coming (or has been)! This is a special show as it's the ONLY pay per view in HISTORY where ALL the matche will be EXTREME RULES so send the women and children to bed early (not together though unless it's Michael Jackson dressed as a woman lol)!
Christian versus Tommy Dreamer versus Jack Swigger IN EXTERME RULES MATCH - This is VERY different from a no DQ match there will be WEAPONS around the ring like garbage cans and garbage can lids! Since this is Dreamer's LAST MATCH EVER (praise Jesus (Carlito's bodyguard, NOT the fictional bible guy!)) he will pull out all his old classic moves like that dropkick in the corner he does which doesn't look very good and piledriving a woman off the ring apron through a table! That woman will be KATIE LEA the hot british crumpet as the Brits say and while he's doing that Christian will pin Swagger with that silly move he does where he hangs between the ropes and falls back so his legs hit his opponents face! Then Dreamer stands around in the ring for a while waiting for a standing ovation until security drag him away. But then TOMMY DREAMER JUNIOR who is Dreamer's son with Francine or Beulah or Sunny or someone runs into the ring and says "I'll keep the name alive, dad!" and forms a tag team with Sim Snuka the next night on RAW!
Santina (IT'S JUST SANTINO IN A DRESS. IT'S NOT EVEN THAT FUNNY) versus Vickie Guerrero in a HOG PEN match! - I'm laughing just thinking about it! Laughing...WITH RAGE! Anyway Santina comes out disguised as a PIG in a PIG COSTUME (LOL!!!) to evade Vickie as she knows she's doing the job! But then Vickie decides to use her sexuality as a weapon and starts MAKING OUT with the Santina pig! However she's actually making out with a REAL pig and she's into it (what a respectful use of Eddie Guerrero's widow!)! Then Chavo comes out and gives the pig a frog splash and it DIES and Vickie starts crying because she had fallen in love with that pig! So then Vickie TURNS FACE by slapping Chavo and sending him flying into the hog pen and Santino and Vickie do the Two Cool dance in the mud!
Coughing Kingston versus William Regal versus Matt Hardy versus MVP in a FATAL FOURWAY for the US title - As this match is a FATAL fourway that means that when you're eliminated you are shot DEAD by JR who is standing at ringside with a shotgun! LOL, only joking. He really shoots them in the LEG! LOL, only joking. It's just a normal match and Kingston wins normally. There's absolutely no reason for it to be on Extreme Rules. None.
CM Punk versus Umaga SAMOAN STRAP MATCH - Punk wins with help from a MYSTERIOUS MASKED MAN who GORES Umaga then says "that's right biatches, I'm back and I'm in a goring mood, TIME TO GET EXTREME!" It's the return of Chris Masters!
John Cena versus Da Big Show IN A SUBMSSION MATCH, OF ALL THINGS - Throughout the match Cole constantly says "there's NO WAY Cena can get Big Show in the STF!" even though Cena got the clearly larger Great Khali in the STFU two years ago (although the STF is applied slightly differently to the STFU, to be fair!) Big Show gets the dreaded camel clutch on but Cena counters by BITING Show's hand and then he puts Show's HAND into the STF and Cole says "what a genius, the STF applied only to the hand!" Then Big Shows counters with a bearhug somehow and by the way they're both at the top of the ramp and they go flying off through three tables and the match is a draw because THIS FEUD WILL NEVER END.
Rey Mysterio versus Chris Jericho in a NO HOLDS BARBED MATCH - This is VERY different from an Extreme Rules match because even in extreme rules you can't do banned moves like the FISH-HOOK and the NIPPLE CRIPPLE but you can in this match! Jeircho uses lots of MEXICAN submission holds to confuse Rey but Rey counters with lots of CANADIAN submission holds like the Canadian Bacon Armbar (it's just a normal armbar!) In the end Rey goes for the 619 but the rope SNAPS and he falls out of the ring and Jericho pins him on the floor for some reason and Jericho wins! Then you see Jericho hiding a HACKSAW under the ring (not Jim Duggan!) and JR says "WHY THAT SNEAKY BASTARD, HE MUST HAVE USED THAT HACKSAW (NOT JIM DUGGAN) TO CUT THROUGH THE ROPE SOMEHOW WHEN NO ONE WAS LOOKING I GUESS, WHAT A HOMO!"
Edge versus Jeff Hardy IN A LADDER MATCH - Given that in the build up to this match NO ONE has ever mentioned the fact that Matt Hardy interfered in Jeff's match at Judgment Day and that he could EASILY do so again tonight causing Jeff to lose to Edge on ppv for the third time this year you might think this means it OBVIOUSLY WILL HAPPEN and JR will act all surprised like "BY GAWD, WHERE DID MATT HARDY COME FROM, WHY DID HE INTERFERE, WHAT A FUCKING LOSER, NO WONDER LITA CHEATED ON HIM WITH CRASH HOLLY, MY GAWD BLESS HIS SOUL!" And if you DO think that, you're right!
Randy Orton versus Batista IN A CAGED FURY CAGE MATCH - Batista utterly destroys Orton for twenty minutes without Orton even gettng a chinlock in then FINALLY hits the Batista Bomb! He's about to climb out when he touches the case but suddenly there a bit spark and he's ELECTROCUTED! Then you see Cody Rhodes holding a ELECTRIFYING DEVICE up against the cage and snickering! But then RIC FLAIR comes riding down to the ring backwards on a donkey like in that Braveheart parody ad he and HHH did for WM21 to show that the punt to the head his driven him INSIDE! Flair jumps off the donkey with a FLYING CHOP on Rhodes to knock the ELECTRIFYING DEVICE out of his hands then takes a backdrop bump! But because the cage isn't electric anymore this means Ted Debiase can climb up to the top of it and dive off hitting Batista with the MILLION DOLLAR BELT (it's back!) on the way down! So Orton wins. Then afterwards Batista is PISSED ANGRY kicking the bottom rope and screwing his eyes up and stuff to show his rage and he SHOVES Flair over and is about to give him a backdrop when "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE GAME!" plays! Then Batista and Flair just look around for a few minutes but HHH doesn't come out. And Cole says "DAMN IT, that MUST mean HHH is in the building, there's no other way his music could have played!" and Batista and Flair hug to send the fans home happy. Good match.
Make sure not to miss it!
And now for this year's interview with Michael Cole. Cole has now been with the WWE for twenty years (the didn't let him on tv for the first eight because he was too ugly!) so I thought it was important to talk to him in a serious and frank manner about his career and life!
Me: Is this MICHAEL COLE?
Cole: Yeah, hi.
Me: VINTAGE Michael Cole!
Cole: Yeah, hehe...
Me: The VIPERLIKE Michael Cole!
Cole: Yeah, tha'ts another thing I say...
Me: Right in the SKULL!
Cole: Yeah, I get it, I read the internet...
Me: Not sites outside the WWE UNIVERSE I hope!
Cole: Look, either ask me a sensible question or I'll fucking hang the fuck up, okay?
Me: That was good! That was like CONTROLLED FRENZY!
Cole: Look, I just try to do my job to the best of my abilities, okay?
Me: Best of your SUCKilities more like!
Cole: Do you want me to put you in a submission maneuver?
Me: You should say different things sometimes, is all.
Cole: Every commentator has things they say all the time! Gorilla Monsoon, he said "highly unlikely!" a lot, if you noticed...
Me: Oh, so you're comparing yourself now to the much loved deceased legend Gorilla Monsoon!
Cole: No, I'm not saying that...
Me: Oh so you're saying you're BETTER than Gorilla Monsson! That you're GLAD he died! I've never heard such a thing! Next you'll be saying Joey Marella wasn't a good referee!
Cole: I don't know what you're talking about!
Me: Oh, you don't even know who Joey Marella was! THAT'S TYPICAL.
Cole: Look, kid, I, umm...
Me: You're a joke, Cole, A JOKE.
Second Voice: Don't take that, Michael! Tell him you won't take that!
Cole: I'm not taking that!
Me: Huh?
Second Voice: You got him on the ropes, pal! Tell him to SHHHUT UPPP! Call him "Mister Internet Man!"
Cole: SHHHUT UPPP, Mister Internet Man!
Me: Mister Internet Man! Who fed you that line?
Second Voice: No one! SSSSHHHUTTT UPPPP!
Me: Oh my gee, is that VINCE MCMAHON feeding Michael Cole lines over the phone!
Vince McMahon: Say no.
Cole: No! It's, umm, my mother.
Me: Is she hot?
Vince: Say yes.
Cole: Uhh, yeah.
Me: OMG you're a mamajammer!
Cole: I'm not! I've never jammed her! Sir, can we just come clean?
Vince: Damn it, alright. Yeah, it's me. Yes, I feed lines to Michael Cole when he's doing interviews over the phone. What's wrong with that, pal? It's a pretty common pratice, I think you'll find. Perhaps in this new socialist Barack Obama worshipping america it's frowned upon, but not where I come from, pal!
Me: Hehe, you're insane.
Vince: SSSSSHHHHUTTTT UPPPP!
Me: While I have you hear, Mister McMahon, I have a very important question.
Vince: WHAT?
Me: What was the point of all that basketball crap a couple of last week ago about?
Vince: More damn communists using their perverted business practices to keep me down, pal!
Cole: Mister McMahon, I think it would be best if you just stopped talking...
Me: Hey, he's not supposed to speak like that to you, Vince!
Vince: That's right! I'll muss up your hair, Michael!
Me: He doesn't know what to say because you haven't fed him a line.
Vince: What should I feed him?
Me: How about you feed him...YOUR COCK!
Vince: Okay, I'll do just that...HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
Me: HOT NEWZ 8, MCMAHON 0!
(Phonecall ends.)
I sure showed them!
Back NEVER with NO more Hot Newz!!!
13/4/09 - WrestleMania 25 review and MORE!!!
8/3/09 - The greatest quotes in wrestling history!
So instead of previewing WrestleMania or reviewing anything (because my reviews are too long to read, apparently!) here is my collection of the ALL TIME GREATESTEST wrestling quotes of all time! These are quoted VER BATMAN from my memory so don't try to correct me (but if you're a hot girl, DO try to erect me!) These quotes are listed in no particular order but they all have one thing in common: they're great! Let's get started!
1. DDP's speech on RAW after revealing himself as Sara (the Undertaker's butter face wife!)'s stalker in 2001 (so old most of you weren't even born then!)
(DDP rips his mask off.)
DDP: "It's me! D D P! BANG! And like the Diamond Cutter, haha, you never say it COMING, haha! I know you've all got questions! QUESTIONS you want to know the answers to! I know you all want to know why I'd stalk Sara and steal her underwear, masturwank in them, then return them to her! I know you all want the BUZZ on why I did the things I did! Well guess what, chumps? I'm gong to give you all the answers you can handle - (fans CHEER) - in a lonng, rambling incoherent promo - (fans BOO) - that will answer all your questions with answers! (Fans say "what?") But just when you think you've got the questions figured out, I might change the answers, haha! BANG! It all started when I was walking down the street one day and I saw Sara, the Undertaker's wife! It was an amazing coincidence! And I thought to myself 'man, that chick is NOT hot enough to stalk!' But then I remembered some advice my dad gave me when I was a little diamond, he said to me that if you want to be FAMOUS you go after the biggest, baddest, toughest, DEADEST hombre in the yard, and Undertaker, that's you, brah! And there's nothing I want more to be FAMOUS, and being in WCW hardly even counts! So I stalked your wife UnderBAKER so that YOU would make me famous, brah-ha-ha! Brah-ha-BING! My whole life, since I was eight years old, people have been telling me I'm just too OLD and CREEPY LOOKING to make it to the shizzow, to be famous...but I proved their asses wrong because I'm the man that BE! Famous! Bang!"
This promo was so great that the Undertaker was SCARED of losing his spot to DDP and used his influence to hold the man down!
2. Vince Russo shoots on Hulk Hogan at Bash at the Beach 2000
Russo: "Alright you mooks in the back, don't ya dare cut my mic because I'm shooting from the hip here, brahs! Don't look at your schedule, Schiavone, because this ain't scheduled! Earlier tonight we saw Hulk Hogan lie down and let Jeff Jarett pin him. You know why? BECAUSE WRESTLING IS FAKE. That's right ya mooks, every single match you've watched tonight has been fake. Fake fake fake! I know you like to suspend your disbelief and pretend they're real when you watch them, but I'm here to tell you they were FAKE CRAP and you all wasted your money! But think about this, even though they were all fake, Hulk Hogan STILL refused to lose to Jeff Jarett tonight! Thats' right, that's the kind of man the Huckster is, he wouldn't even lose in a fake fight! FAKE! So I worked that old bastard, I told him if he lay down for Jarrett tonight, then tomorrow night on Nitro I'd let him run over Jeff with a monster truck. BUT I LIED! I fooled his ass! I just SET FIRE to his monster truck! He's probably discovering it now! He won't be able to run over Jeff Jarrett with a pile of ashes! And you know the reason why I did it was for YOU fans, you stinking ingrate fans of this fake crap, who don't want to see Hogan in the main event anymore, you want to see younger stars like Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner and Lex Luger and Abdullah the Butcher and Kidman, all those young kids! So that's why I did the things I did and that's why ratings have gone up by a whole QUARTER POINT since I took over WCW and that's why Vince McMahon is on his cell phone to the cops right now telling them to arrest me for exposing the business, but there's nothing you can do about it Vince, there's nothing you can do to stop the rise and rise of WCW, one company, under ME, SUCK IT, BRAH!"
Then he did a crotch chop and left and Schiavone said "he burned a monster truck!"
3. Chris "Monday" Jericho (hi CRZ!) debuts on RAW way back in 1999!
Jeircho: "WELCOME to RAW is JERICHO!!! And I am the new millennium for the World Wrestling Federation! That's right, I'm the new thousand years for the WWF, jackclowns! Now for those of you who DON'T know me MY NAME is Chris Jericho and I am a big bad booty daddy from Canada who's come here to kiss all your women and smash their thumbs with hammers! So watch out, Chyna! And for those of you who DO know me, well, wasn't that 'man of a 1004 holds' thing I did with Dean Malenko a year ago funny? Yes it was! Now you might wonder why I'm here. Good question! Chris Jericho has come to SAVE the WWF! From jerkclowns like THAT ONE in the ring, The Rock! Hey The Rock, why do they call you The Rock anyway? Is it because you're dumb as a bag of rocks? Ha! And also Road Dogg. I've come to save you from Road Dogg. So anyway, get your party hats on, inflate some balloons, because we're going to party like it's 1999...oh wait, it is! But it's not Y2K, it's Y2J! What does that stand for? Umm, don't think about it. JUST ACCEPT the fact that I'm here and I'm going to start doing a crappy version of the liontamer called the walls of Jericho, even though the lionsault is still called the lionsault, and things will NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVAAAAAAAAAA ever...wait, I got that wrong....NEVER....EVAAAAAAAAAAAAA by the same...aGAYne!
Rock: "After nine boring minutes, The Rock says know your role and shut your hole! How dare you, little jabroni come on the ROCK'S SHOW and not even have the class to introduce yourself...what is your name?
Jericho: "I told you, jerknose, it's..."
Rock: "IT MATTERS NOT WHAT YOUR NAME IS!"
Jericho: "So why did you ask me then?"
Rock: "So I could pwn you!"
Jericho: "Damn it!"
Rock: "Ha! EPIC FAIL!"
That's right, The Rock invented both "pwn" and "epic fail" in one promo, a fact which has been lost in the MISTS OF TIME but I've just uncovered it!
4. Andre The Giant challengers Hulk Hogan to a title match at WrestleMania 3 on PIper's Pit
Roddy Piper: "Hahaha, I can't wait for that crazy new show ALF to start soon! And now Hulk Hogan!"
Hogan: "Well you know something brother, I can't wait for ALF either, and I can't wait to beat whoever I face in the main event at WrestleMania, be it King Kong Bundy or just you again, brother!"
Andre: "Actually how about you give me the match."
Hogan: "What!?!?!?"
Andre: "I am undefeated for twenty years and want to be world champion!"
Hogan: "No! NOOO! Please don't do it, Andre, please don't challenge me to a match, even though you deserve one! We're best friends and, more than that, you're really tall! You might beat me if we wrestle! How can you put me in that position, brother!"
Andre: "Haha, it feels good to be evil!"
(Hogan gets down on his knees and begs.)
Hogan: "Please don't make me fight you! I can't face having to take on a real challenge! Let me wrestle the Moondogs or something!"
Andre: "Haha, suck me giant dick while your'e down there."
(Fans laugh. Andre rips Hogan's t-shirt off. Fans cheer.)
Piper: "Theyr'e cheering because they're homos and then want to see Hulk's bare chest!"
Andre: "By the way, I'm FRENCH!"
(Fans boo.)
Great heeling by Andre there!
5. Matt Hardy returns to RAW in 2005 and shoots on Edge!
Matt: "That's right! This isn't a ROH show, this is RAW and I'm back! But this isn't a happy occasion, so stop cheering me, fans! I know you love cheering me, but stop! Because this is serious, this is dark, this is twisted, this is my soul laid bare, this is a myspace post in person! This is all about my real life love for AMY DUMAS who you fans know only as Lita and my best friend ADAM COPELAND who you fans know as Edge! Take a minute to wrap your brains around that!
(Matt stops talking for a full minute as the fans just look confused and bored.)
Matt: "Okay, we're back! Now as many of you know, on TELEVISION Lita was married to Kane. But she went HOME at night to be with ME in my bed where we had SEX. Why didn't Kane know about this? Because he's a retard, duh! Why isn't Lita cheating on Kane with me as bad as Lita cheating on me with Edge? BECAUSE THIS IS REAL. EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE BOTH BEING USED AS WRESTLING STORYLINES. Lita, you bitch, you harlot, I stayed with your ass for years! Despite your face going weird! I stayed with you DESPITE your face going weird, DESPITE your crappy promos and sloppy matches...all because you have giant tits! No, not just that! Also because, umm, I liked your personality and stuff. WE WERE SOUL MATES. Then Edge, that human piece of shit, that shitman, that toilet paper avoider, who STOLE YOU by being better in bed than me, came along and ruined everything! He tried to KILL ME in a metaphorical sense, but Matt Hardy WILL NOT DIE in a metaphorical sense! Lita, Edge, I WILL KILL YOU BOTH live on pay per view at Summerslam in a literal sense...then we'll see who the real loser is!"
This resulted in Edge squashing Matt in five minutes at Summerslam. LOL.
6. Ric Flair retuns on Nitro, shoots on Bischoff in 1998!
Arn Anderson: "And now let me introduce the first horseman...Dean Malenko! Okay, he's boring. And now, Chris Benoit! Yeah, he's boring too. He'll never do anything crazy or make the headlines! And now, the third horseman, who's only a horseman to justify his massive salary, Mongo McMichael! Well that's about it, nothing much left to say...my God, I almost forgot the fourth horseman! Ric Flair, get your narrow ass out here!"
Ric Flair: "Whooo! The greatest...whooo! The greatest of all...whoooo! The greatest of all time! WHOOO! I walked that aisle and I say to myself, I say 'Ric? You're the greatest, WHOOOO, the greatest of ALL time!' WHOOOOO! And sexy ladies? I'm going to have sex on all of you, whooo!"
Bischoff: "Cut his damn mic!"
Flair: "YOU! You can't cut my mic, it's already cut! YOU! Over-bearing ass! You're an ass! An asshole! Over-bearing ass! You're a bear! YOU! You suck! I hate your guts! Your guts suck! I hater your bear! YOU! Fire me? I'm already fired! I'm already fired! I mean, suspended. Suspend me? I'm already suspended! WHOO! EGOTISTICAL! WHOOO! FIRE ME, I'M ALREADY FIRED! GET MORE PUSSY IN ONE NIGHT, WHOO, THAN YOU GET IN A LIFETIME! WHOOO!"
(Flair dances and elbow drops Mongo's foot.)
I suppose you had to be there.
7. Steve Austin wins the King Of The Ring in 1996
Dok Hendrix: "Heeeeeeeeeey, Handsome Dok Hendrix here! And now, introducing the new king of the ring, Stone Cold Steve Austin! Or should I say Stone Cold KING Austin?"
Austin: "No, you shouldn't!"
(Fans boos because they love Dok.)
Austin: "SHUT UP! Or I'll make you into UGLY Dok Hendrix by kicking your butt! Or by kicking your face until it looks like your butt!"
(Fans boo ever louder.)
Vince: "We apologise for the lanuage used by Steve Austin."
Austin: "Jake The Drunk, you old drunk, you ain't nothing but a drunk! You go to church and pray to your Jesus like he actually ever existed, then you go home and you thump your bible even harder than I thump my wife! Jake, you talk about your psalms, you talk about your Cain and Able, your Kane and The Undertaker, you talk about Noah's Ark even though it's highly unlikely he could round up two of every animal in the entire world, you talk about your John 3:16? Well Austin 3:16 says I just opened your ass! I mean, opened a can of whoop-ass. On your ass! I mean...let me start again."
Dok: "Okay, it's only an Ahmed Johnson match next anyway, we're in no hurry to get to that!"
Austin: "Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass!"
Vince: "MY GOD!"
(Several audience members faint at the use of the word "ass" as it is 1996!)
Of course now they only show the end part.
8. The Rock shoots on Billy Gunn 1999
Rock: "Billy Gunn, YOU ROODY POO, you think you can step into the ring with the Rock? Well the Rock might as well be wrestling Gangrel! Or The Goon! Or a lightheavyweight! That's how much you suck, Billy! And the only reason you won King Of The Ring is because you fought X-Pac in the final and he's the only person who sucks more than you! Hell even your brother Bart won the Brawl For All, what have you won? The SUCK FOR ALL? You suck! Beating you at Summerslam will mean nothing because you suck so much and people shouldn't even order the show because it'll be waste of money! Even God thinks you suck, and he's God!"
I don't know why this one is so highly regarded to be honest.
9. Rikish reveals that HE ran over Austin!
Mick Foley: "You see I went back and looked at the car that ran over Austin and I found that the seat has been adjusted for a FAT LARGE MAN of 400 pounds. Somehow no one else had noticed this in the last year. And also there were lots of twinkie wrappers on the floor. And choclate smeared into the dashboard. And a raw fish under one of the seats. And a 'how to dance' instructional book. All this led me to believe that the man who drove the car and ran over Austin was a FAT, DANCING SAMOAN...
Rikishi: "But who, detective Foley?"
Foley: "YOU!"
Rikishi: "Ho ho ho ho! Well played! Well played indeed, my friend. Yes. Okay. I admit it. I did it. I ran over Austin all by myself without Triple H paying me to do it or anything. But I didn't do it for me! Or for the money Triple H wasn't paying me. No. NO! I did it...FOR THE ROCK! Ho ho ho ho! You see the WWF has always been about the great WHITE hope. Maybe you all can't see it because you're too WHITE to notice. But I'm samoan and so is The Rock! And black. BUT HIS HEART IS SAMOAN. And we samoans look out for each other. Remember the Headshrinkers? Remember what a great tag team they were? Yet how many times did they win the tag team titles? NOT ONCE. I don't think...don't look it up. But look at all the great champions in WWF history. Hulk Hogan? White. Bob Backlund? Pasty white. Ultimate Warrior? He tried to hid it with facepant, but he was WHITE. Bruno Sammartion? Italian...but not samoan! That's why I did it! The only way a samoan could ever win a world title was if I ran over Steve Austin first! Huh? What do you mean The Rock won his first world title a year before I ran over Austin? Shut up! More WHITE lies! I'll run you all over! Ho ho ho ho! By the way, I never even liked dancing."
Unfortunately this promo was TOO REAL and the WWF chickened out and revealed that HHH had hired Rikishi to do it and that "racism doesn't exist in wrestling at all so STOP THINKING ABOUT IT, okay pal?" (to quote MICHAEL HAYES.)
10. Scott Steiner shoots on the Dudleyz on some TNA ppv a while ago
Blond Interviewer: "So..."
Scott Steiner: "Shut up blondie or I'll give you a Steiner screwdriver and I don't mean my finishing move...I mean my penis. Team 3 DUDLEY! You guys suck, but when I say you suck, I mean you suck down food at the dinner table and that's why you have such FAT ASSES. That's right! You got FAAAT AAAASSSSSES! You're scared of me and you want to run, but you can't run, but you should run lickety spliff, but you can't, why? Because you got such FAAAAT AAAAAAASSSSSES! The APA stiffed you guys when you debuted in the WWF, but there was nothing you could do about it, becuase you got such FAAAAAAAAT AAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSES! What happened to little Spike? Oh, I know, he suffocated because you sat on him with your LARGE BUTTS! And by that I mean your FAAAAAAAAAAAT ASSSSSES! You two aren't even real brothers, it's just a stupid gimmick that all these marks fell for, because they were hypnotised by your FAAAAT ASSSSES! Come on, Buff, let's go."
Rick Steiner: "Umm, I'm Rick Steiner. I think."
Scott Steiner: "Oh yeah, the FAT ASSED faced Germlin!"
Rick Steiner: "That's me!"
TNA you rule!
11. X-Pac shoots on Eric Bischoff on RAW 1998
X-Pac: "Well look who it is, it's me! SUP BITCHNIZZLES? Hey Eric, bet you never thought you'd see me on RAW, did you? Bet when you FIRED ME you never thought I'd show up on RAW and shoot on your, bitchteeth, but that's EXACTLY what I'm doing! I'm going to let you all in on a little secret about Eric Bischoff...he's gay! He takes it up the ass! He takes so much up the ass that his ass hurts but he says he wants more because that's how gay he is! He has sex with men! And he eats shit! The only reason Kevin Nash and Scott Hall still work for WCW is because they're being HELD HOSTAGE! That and the millions of dollars they're paid. Eric, you're so gay, man! Gay as a brick! And I know what goes on behind closed doors between you and Hulk Hogan: you have gay sex together! So Eric, I want nothing to do with your gay ass because homosexuality is gay, and by the way I've got two words for you, SUCK IT!
(X-Pac gives Cactus Jack a Bronco Buster.)
HMM, isn't there something GAY about the Bronco Buster? That's right, there is...that move wouldn't even hurt at all! How gay!
Add your own favouritest promos to the list!
I'll be back soon with something see you then!
25/1/09
WWE has fired a whole bunch of people! Not only have they fried losers no one cares about like JOHNNY DEVELOPMENTAL (who was in developmental!) they've also fired actual genuine cool people like D'Lo Brown and Val Venis! THis is just lazy and a huge mistake since TNA will steal up D'Lo and Val and put them under masks and turn them into a tag team named "They're Not Even On Our Roster!" who will beat Samoa Joe in a handicap match in their debut, lose to Jeff Jarrett the next week when Kip James turns face to help Jeff, turn on each other, have a blindfold match on ppv which Val wins after cheating by removing his blindfold, both disappear for three weeks then return as a tag team with no mention of the fact that they were just feuding! And no one wants that to happen! So I think WWE should hire back D'Lo and Val and here is my brilliant booking idea for how they should use them!
D'Lo comes out on RAW and says "I need to get my ass some god-ass respect around this ass if you recognise what I'm saying! Show me some respect or I'll give you a sudden impact, Stephanie!" (The sudden impact is that seated clothesline he did to Santino on his RAW debut and JR said "BAH GAWD THE SUDDEN IMPACT, HE'S BEATEN MANY A JAP IN JAPAN WITH THAT, LET ME TELL YA!" But then he never did it again and JR was moved to Smackdown as punishment for saying the word "jap".) Then instead of Stephanie out comes VAL VENIS in his old towel and everything and says "HELLO D'Lo! You know something, the Big Valbowski was going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as his old gimmick, but instead of doing that how about I actually WRESTLE ON TV for the first time in three years, HEH HEH HEH!" So they just start wrestling and Val hits his mooves (remember his moves!) and goes up top for the money shot and hits it but when he does he holds his ribs in pain and D'Lo pulls down his tights to reveal a CHEST PROTECTOR underneath! ANd D'Lo gets the pin with the Sudden Impact (what else!) and says "I wasn't the only one invited to that fancy dress party!" and starts to walk away but Val charges at him for REVENGE and their heads CLASH and both men are carried backstage on stretchers and Cole says "Did you hear that, King, that was a VINTAGE noggin knocker, both SKULLS colliding there, I think they're probably dead but find out after the break!"
Then after the break D'Lo and Val are lying backstage out of it and GOLDUST gives them mouth to mouth to revive them (and touches both their dicks to stay in character as he does!) And they both wake up with AMNESIA and they look at each other in their old gimmicks and they look at Goldust in his old gimmick and think it's still 1998! Then all three (Goldust plays along becase he knows he'll get fired as soon as he isn't in a storyline!) go to Smackdown and aboslutely murder Kung Fu Naki with chairshots and set him on fire as revenge for him choppy-choppying Val's pee-pee! Then they form a comedy mid card tag team and lose every week but say funny 1998 things like "suck it!" and "Nitro sucks!" which makes the team worthwhile!
Bob Holly was also released but he can't be including in this angle because he sucked just as bad in 1998 as he does now.
I THINK YOU'LL AGREE that would be a great angle!
Cena's moves have all had their names brutally taken away! This is because little kids were asking their parents what "FU" stood for and all the parents replied "err, the Throw...Up. Because he throws the bad guys UP into the air!" But then the kids would say that "throw" doesn't start with a "f" and the parents would have NO CHOICE but to say "FUCK" in front of their kids! And obviously this situation couldn't continue to be allowed to continue so now his finisher is called the THROWBACK because he THROWS the bad guys onto their BACK! And the STFU is now called the STF which is stupid because there's still a F there and all kids will think that F stands for "FUCK" so I think the WWE should just get the F out!
Victoria has retired! Victoria first got involved in wrestling when the WWF (AS IT WAS THEN KNOWN) put out an ad for "ho's" to appear on Raw and "service" the wrestlers "if you know what we mean." Victoria didn't know what they meant and showed up anyway and was horrified when The Godfather tried to grab her boobies. She slapped him hard and Vince was watching and said "DAMN, THAT GIRL CAN SLAP!" and hired her on the spot. Victoria soon started a real life affair with the late, great Eddie Guuerrero (Vicki was still hot when he first married her and he even banged Chyna during the brief period when she was considered hot. Add Victoria and Lita (everyone had Lita!) to that and he's a banging legend, esse!) Victoria left the company in disgust after real life footage of her and Eddie having sex in a shower with Stacey "The Kat" Karter was shown on RAW (this was also when Jerry Lawler left in disgust!) She returned two years later and started a feud with her real life school friend Trish Stratus which was most notable for Victoria having the COOLEST ENTRANCE MUISC EVER in the form of "All The Things She Said" by The Underage Russia Lesbians (TURL!) Victoria also started doing the "jigglesault" at some point which is when she starts shaking like D-Von dudley only it's sexy because she's got tits (well, so does D-Von, but hers are nicer) then does a moonsault which never actually hits. Victoria turned face because people kept cheering the jigglesault and tag teamed with the UNDERRATED NIdia a few times where they once did a sexy dance at the top of the ramp which led to one of my top three wrestling related masturwanks of all time (true story.) When Nidia was released Victoria turned heel and went to Smackdown and started dressing as a banana and stuff. I don't know why. She will be missed!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO: Rob Van Dam (35), Paul Heyman (45), Shark Boy (????) and Ric Flair (73)!
And now for my EXCLUSIVE Royal Rumble report! Instead of telling you the boring mess that WILL happen, I'm instead going to tell you what SHOULD happen if the Royal Rumble was booked by me: Hot Newz!
Matt Hardy versus Jack Swagger - I don't watch ECW (I have a hot girlfriend I talk to on Facebook while it's on) so I don't know who Swagger is or anything. So I think Finlay should run in and say "Swagger, you noodlebrain, you ain't not good enough to be champion, let me wrestle Matt Hardy and if I win, I get the belt!" and Swagger is confused by the double negative and just kind of nods dumbly then Finlay hits Hardy with the irish stick right away but it's made out of STEEL instead of wood and he gets the pin and says "hahaha, the irish win again just like in World War 2, get him son!" and Hornswoggle comes out from under the ring dressed in red and and keeps biting Swagger until Swagger passes out from BITE PAIN. Anyway, you might think this sucks but the END RESULT is a heel Finaly as ECW champion feuding with face Matt Hardy and Jack Swagger in hospital with bite wounds, so who REALLY sucks here? Not me!
Beth Phoenix versus Melina - Santino grabs the mic and says "I'm sorry ladies, but the a-people would rather a-hear me talk than a-watch you wrestle!" in a funny SHOOT comment to start his face turn. "Here's a deal Melina, you latin temptress from Spain! If Beth Phoenix a-beats you, you must take part in a threesome with her and me, SANTINO MARELLA!" Then Beth looks shocked because she's not into threesomes and Melina rolls her up right away for the pin and the new champion! Then Melina says "that's right Santino, because I won now it's YOU who must have the threesome...WITH THEM!" and the Edgeheads Zach Hawkins and Kurt Ryder come out but they're both all oiled up and wearing ASSLESS chaps and pink ribbons and they start rubbing up Santino and stuff because they're a GAY TAG TEAM now and wrestling can never have enough gay tag teams!
Jeff Hardy versus Edge - They're having a good, ten minute match for ten minutes until a man in a TRENCHCOAT runs down with a tire iron and Jeff gives him a twist of fate then pulls the trenchcoat off to reveal it's CHRISTIAN and says "ah, so you were the one who attacked me in that hotel, ran me off the road and made my pyro explode somehow!" Then Christian says "no, you fool, I'm here to warn you! My evil brother Edge has a new ally, it's..." Then the lights go out and when they came back on there's a HIGHWIRE above the ring like in a CIRCUS(!) and KIZARNY(!!!) is walking on it and he gives a shooting star press to both Jeff and Christian taking them out then gives Jeff has crappy looking jumping double underhook DDT but onto a CHAIR so it looks deadly and Edge wins the title on a screw-job for like the tenth time making him look even weaker than before if that's possible! then Kizarny says "YESSSS that's right you never suspected me but this is how we ROLL in the circus, haha, you think I slept with bearded women to get to the top of the circus world, no, I got to the top by cheating and screwing over everyone, even the clowns, and I'm going to get to the top of the wrestling world in the same way!" THis sets up Edge and Kizarny versus Jeff and Christian at WrestleMania in a TLC match (Matt will be in the hardcore battle royal.)
John Cena versus JBL - Shawn Michaels comes down with NEW TIGHTS with dollar signs all over them and says "that's right, JACK, I have accepted my destiny and now I love my new boss and will do ANYTHING for him, JACK! Cena and JBL have a crappy match (it's Cena and JBL, what do you expect?) until Cena's about to win with the Throwback after THROWING JBL right onto his BACK (see it does work!) but then Shawn pulls the ref out and SUPERKICK Cena right in the mush (mouth!) Then JBL says "haha, well done, son, you done kicked his mouth but good!" and Shawn smiles then kicks JBL in HIS mush (mouth) and says "you pair of fools, I said I follow my new boss, but JBL isn't my new boss anymore, I've got a NEWER boss! And that boss is..." and HULK HOGAN'S music plays to start a new hot angle where Shawn is now working fo the Hulkster (who recently sold Pastamania for billions!) but if Hogan refuses to do the angle then Shawn says "actually I robbed a bank!" and superkicks Michael Cole and the whole thing is forggoten! Cena wins.
Royal Rumble match - This is what you've ALL been waiting for! This makes the previous four matches look like pointless wastes of time! Triple H is number 1 because he called Vickie fat and number two is Valdimir Koslov and Triple H just throws him over the top rope right away and the fans GROAN knowing that HHH is just going to dominate the whole Rumble! But then number 3 comes out and it's a big man in a mask and JR says "WHO IS THAT, KING, WHO IS THAT BIG MASKED BASTARD?" even though he's commentating with Tazz and not the King! Then the masked man gives Triple H a BICYCLE KICK taking his head off (not literally) and trhwos him right over the top! Then mystery masked man takes his mask off and it's FESTUS! Number 4 is JESSIE and he runs out with a bell to calm Festus down but Festus IGNORE IT and grins EVILY and kills Jessie too (not literally!) And JR says "BAH GAWD KING, WHAT FORCE, WHAT UN-EARTHLY FORCE OF EVIL IS CONTROLLING FESTUS, IF NOT THE BELL?" and PAUL BEARER(!) appears at the top of the ramp with the urn and says "this is just the beginning, OH YESSS!" Koslov is number 5 and Festus destroys HIM too and eliminates him to show he is the most dominant big man! Then Festus steps over the top rope and eliminates himself because he's still dumb and he wants THE URN and he cradles it to his crotch and walks away!
Number 6 is Goldust so he just stands around rubbing himself (the sick freak!) until number 7 is Cody Rhodes and they have a brother/brother face off until Cody kicks him in the gut and his foot gets stuck there since Goldust is the blob! Then Goldust starts stroking the helpless Cody (incest homo!) but Cody gives him an enziguri with his foot stuck in the gut, a gutziguri! Then a bunch of other people come in like Funaki and Golf Ziggler and KANE whose push his descreased so much that he doesn't eliminate ANYONE whereas 8 years ago he'd eliminate 15 people! Then also Mark Henry and Kofi Kingstone and some guy no one recognises who turns out to be DH Smith (he's back!) Then comes Miz, the Morrison (since tag partners often draw the number next to each other in an amazing coincidence) and they eliminate DH Smith and he says "hmm, looks like I need some back-up...some ANVIL back-up!" to set up and him and Natayla feuding with Miz and Morrison over the tag titles in an inter-gender-bending war! Then MVP comes in and FINALLY the Underatker who eliminated Goldust, Cody, Henry, Kofi, DH, Ziggler, Miz and Kane within seconds making the last twenty minutes pointless! But MVP and Morrison hang on because they're getting BIG PUSHES in 2009 in the Hot Newz booked WWE (see my book, How I Would Book WWE In 2009 To Make It Better Than It Will Be which will be published in 2010!)
Then the Rumble goes on as Rumbles do with a bunch of OTHER GUYS coming in like Rey Mysterios (remember him?), Santino, Tazz as a SURPRISE ENTRY, Tommy Dreamer (eliminates Tazz to foreshadow his heel turn as only a heel would elminate the beloved Tazz!), Khali (a bunch of fat girls run into the ring to kiss him and he steps over the top rope to escape!) and of course Burchill. Then Jericho comes in and uses his SMARTS to eliminate all those guys except MVP who is too SPIRITED now (and except Undertaker too who is lying outside the ring holding his knee with no explanation) and then Orton comes in and says to Jericho "hey if we put our smarts together we can win this thing, haha!" and Jericho says "haha!" too. But then SHAWN MICHALES is number 28 and eliminates Jericho and Orton but then says "haha, JACK, I'm giving my title shot to the Hulkster, brothers, I love I money!" But then number 29 is CM PUNK who as you all know has a HIGH MORAL FIBRE running through his diet so he FLIES right at Michaels and they BOTH go over the top! Then JR says "MY GAWD, THE INTEGRITY OF PUNK IS SO GREAT THAT HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE, HIS ROYAL RUMBLE LIFE THAT IS, TO ELIMINATE HBK!"
This leaves MVP and Undertaker and MVP is going to hit Undertaker in his injured leg but he throws the chair away because he has INTEGRITY too and then number 30 is KENNEDY in a shock, trying to recreate when Cena was a shock entry the previous year except Kennedy sucks! And MVP just boots him out right away and says "that's for being an obnoxious over-bearing asshole and starring in a bad movie!" and the fans cheer and MVP is now a top main event face and Kennedy is a bottom rung heel where he belongs. Then Undertaker chokeslams MVP over the top to APPARENTLY win and musses up his hair to give him THE RUB~~!~! But then "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME" plays (it's Vickie's new music!" and Vickie comes out and says "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME! Because of Tazz taking up an extra place there will be a number 31 entry in this damn Rumble for the first time ever!" Then the BIG SHOW'S music wins and Taker goes into his MMA stance ready to fight but Show is actually under the ring and he cuts a hole in the canvas to SNEAK up on Undertaker, but Show is so FAT that he gets STUCK in the hole like Winnie the Pooh! And Taker just laughs and kicks him in face a bunch of times then gets him ont he ropes...and then VICKIE snakes up and pushes them both over! And Vickie says "Haha, I've won, haha!" BUT THEN "I'm All Grown Up, Now, And I've Listened And Read Lots Of Books With Lots Of Pages And Lots Of Words" which can only mean STEPHANIE MCMAHON is surprise entry number 32! And Stephanie SLAPS Vickie right over the top rope and says "you just got bitch-slapped by the biggest BITCH in bitchland!" to a huge pop. And then TEDDY LONG'S music plays and Teddy comes out, takes one look at Steph and says "ain't no way I'm gettin' in the ring with that crazy ho!" and just walks away! Stephanie uses her title shot to take the Diva's championship from Maryse at WrestleMania with a banzai drop!
I think you'll all agree that this would be a FUN Royal Rumble and isn't that what the Royal Rumble, more than any other event in human history, is all about? Fun? The Royal Funble? Yes!
As SOME OF YOU (the educated ones!) will know, lots of wrestling people were interviewed by the DRUG POLICE to see if there's any DRUGS being used in wrestling! These interviews were REALLY long so I've condensed and summarised some of them into little mini interviews (miniviews) for your enjoyment! ENJOY!
First up the investigators talked to Dixie Carter, the HOT owner of TNA!
Investigator: Hello, Dixie Carter.
Dixie: Hi, ya'll! How ya'll doin' today, ya'll?
Investigator: Umm, fine. So, drugs.
Dixie: Y'all offering me some drugs? That's bad! The bible says the body is a temple. I read the bible with Vince Russo when we're brainstorming for angles,ya'll! We're trying to come up with a Noah's Ark story where the Impact Zone is flooded and everyone but Shark Boy (he's a shark!) has to get in a boat made by Sting to escape! BUT CAN THEY TRUST STING!?
Investigator: ...
Dixie: They can, he's a good man!
Ivenstigator: I was just going to ask if any of your wrestlers are on drugs.
Dixie: Oh, they all were once, every last one of them. Every single wrestler to ever wrestle has been a drug addict. Even Sharko Boy. But I told 'em to clean up their act and made some vague threats about drug testing which we still haven't carried out!
Investigator: All your wrestlers do drugs?
Dixie: Not any more! Not since Midway made the excellent TNA Impact video game! They all play it backstage instead of playing with drugs. You should play it too, it's a great game, y'all!
Investigator: Riiiight. What I was asking, mainly, is if any of your wrestlers, say, take steroids to improve their look.
Dixie: Well, the fans do chant "STERIODS, STERIODS, YOU LOVE STERIODS" as Scott Steiner. So he probably does. So you should arrest him. But no one else does.
Ivenstigator: No one?
Dixie: Seriously, take a look at this pic of Samoe Joe.
Investigator: Eww! He's so fat!
Dixie: Exactly, y'all! He's a fat bastard and we STILL push him because he's good in the ring! That shows you don't need to take steriods to get ahead in TNA. You just have to suck up to the booker! Take a look at this pic of Mick Foley. THAT is a pic of someone who sucks up to the booker!
Investigator: Right, well, I guess that's all...
Dixie: Y'all should come down to the Impact Zone and watch a show! I shouldn't tell you this, but Joe's about to turn heel on AJ by kicking him in the nuts three times then pushing his grandma off her rocking chair! It'll be a hoot!
Investigator: Seriously? Who is your show even marketed to? It doesn't sound suitable for children.
Dixie: Oh, it isn't. We're mainly marketed towards idiots! You know, fat forty year old men who still live in their parents' basement and blog about how much the new Star Trek movie is going to suck because the Bridge looks stupid. Those kind of freaks! Haha, I hold them in such contempt! And yet they keep making me richer!
Investigator: Thanks for your time!
(The Investigator checks out Dixie's ass as she leaves.)
Next up they spoke Vince McMahon HIMSELF along with his evil lawyer Jeremy McDiggit (his name is a rib on Randy Savage!)
Investigator: Hello Mister McMahon and thank you for joining us.
McMahon: Huh, the Rebuplicans are smiling even though Obama won, huh?
Investigator: Umm, yeah. Would you like to take a seat?
McDiggit: Don't answer that.
Investigator: Huh?
McDiggit: What are you trying to pull here?
McMahon: Yeah, what are you trying to pull here, pal?
McDiggit: Good faith! We came here in good faith!
Investigator: I...I...what? I only asked if...
McMahon: SHUT UP!
McDiggit: Just ask your first little question, you mortal.
Investigator: Well, umm, I was hoping to, uhh, get your thoughts on...steriods?
McMahon: My thoughts?
McDiggit: I can't believe this shit.
McMahon: Jeremy I don't understand what he means by thoughts.
McDiggit: My client has been having an existential crisis lately and doesn't know if his thoughts are his own. SO DON'T ASK FOR HIS THOUGHTS.
Investigator: Well what about your opinion then, on steriods?
McMahon: I have no opinions on steriods, pal.
Investigator: None?
McDiggit: Wipe the dried up semen out of your ears, he already answered your stinking question!
McMahon: No opinions! I'm not even sure what they are!
Investigator: But you have admitted to using steriods in the past!
McMahon: I can't remember.
McDiggit: HE CAN'T REMEMBER.
Investigator: What did you think the steriods were going to do when you took them?
McMahon: How the fuck should I fucking know, pal? I'm a layman. I used a lot of stuff in the eighties. Big giant blocky cell phones, for one. I don't know why I do half the things I do. I'm a layman.
McDiggit: A LAYMAN!
Investigator: But surely you must have some idea...
McMahon: No. No ideas. At all. None. Layman.
McDiggit: Tell them why they call you a layman, Vince.
McMahon: Because I'm a man and I get laid ALL the time!
McDiggit: All the time, baby!
(McMahon and McDiggit high five.)
Investigator: So about, umm, wrestlers. How do you decide who to make into a star.
McMahon: Well, first I check to see if they're sleeping with my daughter by watching her in bed through a secret peephole. If they are, and if they satisfy her, then I push them to the moon.
Investigator: And do their muscles play a part in their pushes?
McDiggit: HEY!
McMahon: Listen, we push guys without muscles all the time. Like Tazz. He won a match once. And yeah, it happens that 99% of our top guys are big muscular freaks. So what? They just have the it factor. Like Triple H. As soon as I saw him banging my daughter I thought to myself "Vince, that guy's got the it factor and I'm feeling horny." That's what I thought.
McDiggit: Umm, the transcripts of these interviews will never be released, will they?
Investigator: Don't ask me, I'm just a layman!
(The investigator does a crotch chop and leaves.)
McMahon: I don't think Bob Backlund did steriods either. There's another one.
McDiggit: He's gone, sir.
McMahon: Damn it, I didn't even get to say "we put smiles on faces!"
McDiggit: I'll have him killed for you, sir.
McMahon: Thank you. That'll put a smile on my face.
TRANSCRIPT ENDS
Wow, that was some great reading! Speaking of GREAT READING I'll be back soon with more Hot Newz, doodz!!!!!!!!!!