Thanx Hot Newz, love your newz, and the new HOT NEWZ BLOG! Anyway, enough chit-chat, as I'm sure you've heard Shane McMahon has jumped to TNA! Shane will make his debut on the NEXT Impact when AJ Styles says "okay, I will defend my title again ANYONE!" and a MASKED MAN runs out and SPEARS AJ (Shane used to do a spear!) Then the masked man says "hey, where's the referee?" and SHANE runs out through the crowd wearing a LEATHER JACKET and a referee's shirt and raises the masked man's hand in victory! BUT THEN Shane SWEVES the masked man with a clothesline and a SUPER SHANE ELBOW off the top and hugs AJ! Then AJ pulls the mask off and it's MISTER KENNEDY underneath, but then the lights go off and when they come back on Kennedy is gone and AJ is lying in the corner bleeding and VINCE RUSSO is pointing a BLACK baseball bat (is it Sting's!?) with "is it Sting's!?" written on the side in lipstick at AJ! Then Tazz says "just another day in da Impact Zone, Cole!"
That woudl be great! However, you are an IDIOT and that is NTO going to happen as TNA recently spent ALL their money in hiring Nigel McGuinness! Nigel will wrestle under the name Damian Hellstorm and carve OCCULT SYMBOLS into his opponents! If you don't know who Nigel is, then you have a lot of company! Nigel is that guy from Ring of Honor who says "wankers!" and injures his arms doing fifteen clotheslines a match. He isn't very good, really. Should do well in TNA!
BREAKING NEWZ: Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff have BOUGHT TNA from Dixie and Jeff! Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs will be the new commissioner, Brutus Beefcake the new beefcake (replacing Matt Morgan, or so my gay friends tell me!) and Jimmy Hart will feud with Don West for Red's contract and win when West gets bored and goes off to smoke pot with SoCal Val! MORE on this story in my next update when I'll be reporting on just WHY Hogan has quit TNA after only a month and on how much that match he had with Mick Foley sucked!
Anyway, the ONLY thing worth talking about these days is Divas and Knockouts and Divaouts! So thats' why I'm gonig to RATE the ten best in terms of a combination of how smart, sexy and powerful they are! And here are those ratings!!! Below!!!
10) Tara - She ain't the lady to mess with, WHOOP. Tara (real name VicTARAia!) is best known for that time she dressed up as a banana and ripped off Family Guy (who were ripping off something obscure for no apparent reason, hilariously!) and did a dance! She is now in TNA where she has had to resor to capturing a spider before every show, trapping it in a glass and bringing it to the ring! After the show she releases the spider into Jeremy Borash's PANTS in a hilarious rib! She does lots of slaps in her matches. She is going to fight Kitty Coulture or someone in a worked shoot fake real MMA match which no one will care about. She was better when she had TATU as her music and used to steal Trish's lipstick and hide it between her legs.
TARA FACT: She can't swim but loves diving...FOR MUFF!
TARA FACT TWO: She aint' the lady to mess with, WHOOP.
9) Kelly Kelly - Kelly Kelly is well known for having a smelly belly! However she is also sexy and powerful (but not smart, obviously. I mean, she's blond!) Kelly is actually the Miz's hot cousin and got involved with wrestling one day when he called her up and said "hey, want to dance on ECW and probably sleep with Randy Orton? You know you do!" Kelly has actually worked REALLY HARD (no boner jokes!) to become a GOOD WORKER and now does cool moves like headscissors and spinning headscissors! On Superstars last week she CARRIED Gail Kim to a THREE STAR MATCH to the amazement of everyone (Kim's workrate has SUCKED since she left TNA for WWE, and even then her workrate was far higher back when she used to wrestle in Korea!)
KELLY KELLY FACT: She's so hot that Randy Orton has never even took a dump in her bag!
8) Velvet Sky - If you're accusing me of ONLY including Velvet Sky on the list for the SOLE REASON of how HOT her ASS looks when she ENTERS the ring...then you're nearly right! However, I also like her tits!
VELVET SKY FACT: Her finishing move is a top rope hair toss! She did it on a house show I attended and it was FIERCE!
7) Katie Lea - So hot her brother was going to incest her on camera until Vince said "look, pal, we're PG now, so incest her in private like me and Steph do, okay?" and Burchill nodded knowingly! Katie was the BIGEST STAR EVER in English wrestling where she wrestled under the name "Margaret Thatcher Junior" (it makes sense to the tea-guzzling Brits!) She beat LADY BIG BEN for the English title in a match watched by over twelve Brits at the Cricket Arena! Her finishing move was the BACKFLIP ROCK BOTTOM which is so cool that Triple H banned it in case anyone associated it with his hated enemy The Rock, who Triple H does NOT want anyone thinking is cool! It hasn't worked, I still think The Rock's cool! Anyway, Katie is a good wrestler but the problem is she's the ONLY woman wrestler on ECW and has to work inter-gender matches with Yoshi Tatsu every week instead of fighting other women. And also her face looks a bit weird sometimes. Hot body though!
KATIE LEA FACT: She is shoot bisexual and once kissed one of the Bella Twins but didn't know which one and then kissed the OTHER ONE a few days later and that one is actually a noted HOMOPHOBE and she reported Katie to Vince but Vince was so turned on that he thought it was all a wet dream and never knew the complaint really happened!
6) Daffney - Daffney first broke into the business a LONG time ago back when WCW was still in business and Sable, Sunny and Wendi Ritcher ruled the Diva world! Despite being REALLY OLD Daffney still looks young because she made a deal with Satan never to age! Daffney spent the ten years between WCW going out of business and TNA getting desperate and hiring her in a mental home where she met Abyss (he wasn't a patient, he was trying to pick up hot crazy girls!) and Doctor Stevie (he's really a dentist in his spare time and he looked at her teeth!) She now takes ridiculously dangerous bumps in order to help that fat piece of shit Mick Foley stay in the spotlight! I'd hit it.
DAFFNEY FACT: She hates cats!
5) Beth Phoenix - THE GLAMAZON! So called because she was actually BORN in the amazon (to ALL AMERICAN parents, of course!) Back in the OLD DAYS (1999) muscular women in wrestling all looked like Chyna and Asya and Afryca! However NOW we have the muscual BUT ALSO FEMININA Beth Phoenix who has blond har, a reasonable face, giant breasts and POWERFUL THIGHS for crushing male crotches! She is also a good worker (but not as good as Chyna was, obviously) and it was funny when her and Santino were sixty-nining that one time and HHH walked in and said "69 should be a crime!" and spat water on them.
GLAMAZON FACT: She makes Natayla look like a bag of puke!
4) Mickie James - More like THICKIE James and I'm not talking about her intlligence...I'm talking about the thickness of her a thighs! Unlike Beth Phoenix Mickie is NOT powerful at all and in fact just loves eating burgers and ham! That's cool by me as I LOVE food too! It's good that WWE hired someone who is about the same size as their average viewer! Mickie used to be married to AJ Styles on the indies but got divorced when she orally cheated on him with the entire ROH lockeroom! Mickie tried to argue that if it's oral it's moral so she wasn't really cheating, but AJ is a Christian and was having none of it and Pele kicked Gabe Spalosky in rage (ironically Gabe was the one person Mickie refused to blow!)! This is how Mickie got her nickname: BJ James! Mickie turned to lesbiansim in WWE and once SHOOT grabbed Trish's crotch and SHOOT licked her SHOOT hand a Wrestlemania in a scene so hot that I've never been able to achieve orgasm since as no scenario I can imagine can ever come close to being that hot again! She's a pretty good wowrker and that kick she does sometimes actually looks good!
MICKIE JAMES FACTT: She dated Kenny Dykstra because his name sounds like "DYKE STAR" for a while before she rembered she's a lesbian now and seduced Stephanie McMahon (Triple H was busy watching Glamarella 69 at the time!)
3) ODB - Surprised? ODB REALLY IS smart and powerful, she just pretends she's not for her gimmick! She isn't sexy though. Eww. Anyway ODB proves that ANYONE can make it to wrestling by playing a redneck alcoholic character (she's actually a straight edge Harvard grad!) thus inspiring the redneck viewers of TNA to become wrestlers! One such viewer is Cody Deaner who is NO gimmick and really is like that and ODB has to keep up kayfabe around him, even to the point of letting him have sex on her, just so that he never finds out it's all fake! ODB once had a good match with Angelina Love or something.
ODB FACT: ODB stands for Oh Do Behave!
2) Sally Shadowmoon - An indy wrestler so obscure and hot that YOU couldn't possibly know who she is and if you google her all you'll get is "Did you mean Sally Field?" but she IS real and she DOES exist and I WOULD hit it! Sally broke into wreatling way back in 2007 for PUNCHKICK wrestling, an indy so indy that they don't even have a ring so they have to wrestle on mats, except they don't even have mats so they have to wrestle on towels! Sally feuded with a young Alicia Fox back when she was still cool and not a sell out and invented a new move called the SHADOW OF STARLIGHT which is kind of like a moonsault fused with a powerbomb! Sally was meant for big things and eventually (last month) made it to a company that actually has rings and she might have a TNA tryout at some time in the future if she can borrow enough money from her sister to buy a bus ticket to get to Orlando! She is 5'6.
SALLY SHADOWMOON FACT: There are no facts about Sally Shadowmoon, just opinions!
1) Layla El - SWERVER~!~!~!~ After all these hot years Hot Newz can STILL surprise the hotnewzaholics! You all thought I was going to be a workrate freak and rank Astonishing Kong at number one! You fools! She might be the best female worker EVER, so good that she's ALMOST as good as the worst MALE worker ever (Greg Valentine) but I said I was ranking on a combination of how smart, sexy and powerful these ladies are! Kong might be powerful but she's NOT sexy (unless you're her husband Kip James!) and she's NOT smart (she can't even speak no English!) That's why LAYLA EL is the BIZZEST woman in wrestling TODAY or even TOMORROW! Layla is SMART (she's English and everyone from England is a super smart scientist like Stephen Hawking and Alfred Einstein, so she MUST be smart!), she is of course SEXY (look at her ass and nose!) and she is DECEPTIVELY powerful (she once bodyslammed Mickie James which is the female equivalent to slamming Andre!) Layla has been my favouritest Diva ever since she won Diva Search by doing a dance and when she was on ECW and used to dance and when she managed Regal and DRANK TEA and when she returned to Smackdown and did a dance! I guarantee you she will win the Diva's or Woman's title (I can't remember which brand she's on) before the end of the decade! She is also my most masturwanked Diva for the 21st century!
LAYLA FACT: She's the only one who ever gives good answers on "Ask The Divas"!
I decided to call Layla on the phone to tell her of this HONOR!
Me: Hello, Layla El?
Layla: Cheerio, old bean! I just popped out for a spot of cricket and blood scones, what what!
Me: Yep! Anyway, I'd like to tell you of a SPECIAL HONOR I have bestowed on you!
Layla: Tell me more, chap!
Me: You are my most masturwanked over Diva of the 21st century!
Layla: Eww, that's gorss...grossly inappropriate, old...pervert.
Me: Oh, and you also topped my list of the GREATEST Diva OR Knockout!
Layla: Topped it, you say? OR Knockout, you also say? Well, that's different! Thank you!
Me: Thank YOU for all the masturwanks!
Me: Wait, does that mean hello or goodbye?
Layla: Fucked if I know, dood!
She's only pretending to be English to get William Regal into bed!
OH crap, I just remembered that EVE TORRES is also hucking fot and should be on that list somewhere! Eve, if you're reading this, I'm sorry and I actually HATE Layla and love you! I'll be back soon with less Hot Newz, SEEYA then!!!!!