Vince Russo is finally gone from TNA! TNA actually stopped using Russo's storylines a year ago and didn't tell him (he doesn't watch Impact because he's in Church at the time it's on pretending to be a Christian as part of a scheme not to be sent to Hell for writing so much bad wrestling!), so he just kept writing them and sending them to the office where Dixie would hand them to Borash to throw them in the bin (Dixie can't throw, she's a girl!) However someone then realised that this was a watse of paper so they fired Russo six months ago! But Vince's EGO couldn't accept this so he kept showing up for work every day anyway and even after they changed the locks he'd get in by the air vents then call his secretary and say "if Dixie wants me tell her I'M IN MY OFFICE!" When his secretary pointed out that he stole this from Seinfeld, Russo said "no, he stole it from me! He used to come into my video store! He rented Superman every week! That sounds plausible!" TNA finally got rid of him for good by filling his office with concrete!
WWE has NOT signed Albert/A-Train/Old Eight And Three Eighths/The Hip Hop Hippo/Giant Barney to a new contract! Meltzer THOUGHT they had because someone called him up and said "they have!" but this was just a plan to SWERVE him and bring down the Wrestling Observer! John Lauranicetits' bodyguard will instead by SNITSKY in a mask with fake Japanese tattoos and BACK HAIR grafted onto his back to make him look like Albert! And instead of saying "it wasn't my fault!" he will say "RRRRRRR, I'M GONNA KILL YA!"
Thousands of people have emailed and tweeted me (some even wrote letters but they didn't get to me because they don't know my address and just wrote "HOT NEWZ, COOL TOWN" on the envelope!) asking just how Hell In The Cell is going to work at WrestleMania as it's an outdoor arena and they won't have a roof to hang the cell from and cells can't just float above the ring with no roof! Well ask no more, because I have the askwer (answer) right here! The Cell will actually RISE UP around the ring from UNDER the arena! This means it won't have a roof on it...but no one was excpecting two fat 50 year old men to climb onto the roof anyway!
Ric Flair WILL appear when the Four Horsemen are inducted into the Hall Of Fame! Flair called up Dixie Carter and said "Woooo, can I appear at the Hall Of Fame or not, woooo!" and Dixie said "NO, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to appear at the Hall of Fame!" and Flair said "Wooo, sorry, didn't catch that, my phone's breaking up, got to go, woooo!" then dropped his phone and gave it an elbow drop! Flair will make a speech saying "wooo, it's not just us four in the Hall Of Fame, it's ALL the horsemen, INCLUDING that one whose name we can't mention, you know the one...Paul Roma, you're in too, champ! Wooo!"
And now it's time for my look at the final RAW before WrestleMania! The script was FAXED to me accidentally because I bought a fax machine that used to belong to STEPHANIE MCMAHON! And yes, I HAVE rubbed myself up against it, thanks for asking!
The show starts with VINCE MCMAHON strutting down to the ring in his smoking jacket! Vince says "you can't have a WrestleMania season without the boss! That's why this Sunday, I'm going to..." before he can finish there's the SOUND OF GLASS and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out! And Austin says "Vince you MEALY MOUTHED BASTARD, it's actually OLD STONE COLD that they can't have WrestleMania wihtout! And Cena and Rock, you two are having a match on Sunday, but maybe next year OLD STONE COLD will have a match with one of you or maybe with CM Punk depending on what the bookers decide! And by the way, I've had enough of you two singing like a couple of GIRLS so you better get physical tonight or OLD STONE COLD will get physical with your asses!" But before he can leave, ANDY FROM TOUIGH ENOUGH (remember him!?) comes out and says "you know what, it's been a year since you slapped me, Vince, and you stunned me, Steve, and I still haven't been on tv because creative has nothing for me! Well a year's long enough I think, so what have you got for me?" Then Austin and Vince look at each other and SMILE and this time AUSTIN slaps Andy and then he turns round and VINCE gives him a stunner and TEARS HIS PANTS on the way down but he still smiles and says "usually I tear my pants looking at the Divas (from the massive erection I get)!" and he and Austin hug! Then Andy is never seen again.
R-Truth versus Dolph Ziggler - Before the match, Teddy Long grabs the mic and says "uhh, I still need three more guys for my team at WrestleMania!" Then Great Khali, Brotus Clay AND THE RETURNING HUSKY HARRIS (now a fun-loving firefighter!) come out and say "we'll be on your team, as long as you follow the fire safety codes!" (Husky does the talking!) R-Truth hits the Alarm Clock (remember that!) on Ziggler and he does a crazy upside downn flip bump then Truth hits the Little Jimmy and Ziggler does a wacky downside up flop bump and Truth gets the three (match time: twenty seconds.) Then John Lauranicetits hits Truth with a clothesline to bigtime heel heat! Then Teddy is going to take out John but AKSANA tells him not to then she SPEARS John right in the crotch! Aksana says "in Soviet Russia, woman spear YOU!"
Vince McMahon is backstage and MICK FOLEY approaches him (with notepad!) and says "great to see you, big guy! Haha, remember how I always call you big guy? I do! Anyway, I was just thinking we can't have a WrestleMania without me putting some young kid over, so I sketched out a storyline for how I could interfere in the Cena/Rock match and put a young kid over, I think the fans would really dig it, what do you say?" And Vince says "I'll think about!" then ROLLS HIS EYES to the camera.
CM Punk versus Kane - Punk kicks Kane's ass (with kicks!) for a full thirty seconds before CHRIS JERICHO appears at the top of the stage and Kane instantly chokeslams Punk FROM BEHIND and gets the pin! Then Kane says "Randy, this Sunday, you'll be the one choekslammed from behind after a distraction" to further build up the bitter and deeply personal feud between them! Jericho then cuts a promo. "Punk, you were right, I was wrong to go after your alcoholic father and your druggie sister who gives handjobs for cocaine sticks! So I won't say anything about them again. YOUR SLUT MOTHER, on the other hand..." Then a woman dressed as Punk's mother (she's wearing a dress with the Pepsi logo on it!) comes out and MAKES OUT with Jericho! Jericho says "now I understand why you don't respect women and call all the Divas "douches" after sleeping with them!" in a clever insdier reference that will get people talking. Punk says "MOM, NO!" and runs up the stage to stop them but Suddenly his Mom KICKS PUNK IN THE BALLS! Then Jericho gives Punk a realy sloppy Go To Sleep and his mom pulls her wig off and it's LITA and she says "I'm not your mom but we do have one thing in common: you've been inside both of us! After you dumped me you told me to get back with Matt Hardy and smirked! You deserve this!" and gives him a Litasault off the top of the Titan Tron!
MARIA MENSTRUALOUS comes out to the ring looking ANGRY (and hot!) and says "You know what, I'm on the WrestleMania card but the whole feud's been played out on the internet and I'm SICK of that CRAP! We all know the only reason I'm not being booked on RAW is because I'm blatantly hotter than all the Divas (with the obvious except of Layla and possibly Maria Kanellis but she's in ROH now and no one watches that) and I'll show them up! But I'm not just hotter, I'm a better fighter too and I challenge ANY Diva to come out here and take me one! Then THE BELLA TWINS run out but Maria EASILY takes them both out with one-legged monkey flips like Ken and Ryu do in Street Fighter and William Shatner did to Jeff Jarrett! Then more Divas come out like Alicia Fox (now a heel again!), Maxine (not as hot as people say!), Eve and Natty but Maria just keeps taking them all out with her patented move until finally BETH PHOENIX blocks the monkey flip by TICKLING Maria under the knee then grabs her for the Glam Slam but before she can do it a HOT NINJA Divas in a mask runs in and LAYS OUT (hmm) Beth with the LAY OUT (HMM!) and who could this ninja Divas be!? Lawler says "Hey, remember when DX Tori was a ninja? This girl has a really nice ass...so it can't be DX Tori!"
Backstage, Zack Ryder is talking to someone (we can't see their face but we ASSUME it's Cena.) "Broski, I'm happy that we have put our differences aside and are best friends again! Now I can tell you that I've long had a dream of being in the main even of WrestleMania. It's just a shame I can't be inolved in the main event this Sunday. Oh well. It's also a shame that we couldn't have put our differences aside and become best friends again this Sunday in the main event of WrestleMania. Gee golly, I wish those two things could come true!" Then Ryder starts crying. Then he sais "Anyway, I have a date with Eve now, talk to you later broski!" and walks away and the camera PANS UP to reveal that he was talking to a CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF CENA! Then Horsnwoggle GORES the cardboard Cena for no reason.
Also backstage, Cody Rhodes is talking on the phone to SOMEBODY and says "haha, this Sunday, you and the Big Show will be reunited and the GLOVES will come OFF, haha, talk to you soon, MONEY!" Then he SHADOW BOXES and who was he talking to!?
Shameus versus Jack Swagger - Shameus wins in six seconds with the Rogue Kick! But before he can celebrate, DANIEL BRYAN hits him in the back with a chair seventeen times to build heat for their WrestleMania match! Then Bryan says "looks like you won't be beating me in five seconds in a foregone conclusion like everyone thought!" AJ hands Bryan a VEGAN HAMBURGER (it's made out of raddish) and he EATS it standing over Sheamus and he eats REALLY NOISILY and lets parts of the burger fall out of his mouth and onto Shameus in a shocking act and Cole says "damn it, even I think he's gone too far now!"
Randy Orton versus Mark Henry - Orton wins in thirty two seconds with the RKO then Henry says "this Sunday will be my LAST MATCH!" since he's leaving wrestling forever yep it's true so long Mark!
THE ROCK comes out and says "Cena, Old Stone Cold was exactly right. You and I, we got to get physical, brother. And not the way you get physical with Zack Ryder at night! Haha, I'm just kidding, it's okay for me to be homophobic, I played a gay in some awful movie. Cena, you, me, this ring...ARM WRESTLING!" and pulls an ARM WRESTLING table out from under the ring! Cena comes out and and SMIRKS and GIGGLES at the Rock and says "I ain't ascared of you, homedog! You ain't got my stones, my nuts, my testicles or my kahonies! You left wrestling instead of sticking around until it destroyed your body and life, you're a coward! You make FAKE MOVIES but on Sunday it'll be FOR REAL when I whip your ass with my blood, sweat and tears!" Then does a goofy grin. Then Rock says "So, umm, are we doing this arm wrestling shit or not?" and Cena says "oh, right, sorry, yeah, let's go!" But before they can start, THE MIZ comes out and say "look, this is pathetic, I should be in WrestleMania, so how about we turn it into a triple threat match!" Rock says "remember Austin said he wanted us to get physical? LET'S DO IT!" and gives Miz a Rock Bottom through the arm wrestling table! But Cena then pulls ANOTHER arm wrestling table out from under the ring and gives Miz a FU through it! Then Rock and Cena give Miz a COMBINED People's Elbow/Five Knuckle Shuffle which looks so cool that they SHAKE HANDS after and are friends heading into Sunday! Then Austin is shown GLARING at a monitor backstage and says "THAT...was...EXACTLY what I wanted!" and smiles! Then Vince McMahon walks by and says "The Miz? YOU'RE THE FIRRRRRRRRRED!"
Now it's time for the REAL main event as we got LIVE to Shawn Michaels' home via saturnlitte! HBK is watching the video Undertaker saying he's better than Triple with a PERVY GRIN on his face and he keeps rewinding it and watching it back again and again! Then Nitro Girl Whysper walks in and says "Shawn, you've been watching that all week, please eat something and get some sleep!" But Shawn says nothing until suddenly all the lights in his home go out! And when they come back on TRIPLE H is holding Whysper in the pedigree position and Shawn says "what!" and goes to Superkick Triple H but the lights go out again and when they come back, Whysper is fine and Triple H is tied to a chair with his mouth taped shut! Then THE UNDERTAKER appears on the tv Shawn had just been watching and says "Shawn, this Sunday, I know you'll do the right thing. Otherwise the next time I come to your home I'll burn it down like I did to my own house when I murdered my parents. REST IN PEACE!" Then Shawn rips the tape off HHH's mouth and Hunter says "you and Taker are in cahoots, this proves it!" And Shawn drops down to his knees and puts his head in his hands crying and screaming "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"
Back to the arena, THE MIZ is now outside sitting in the garbage with a homeless man since he lost his job, holding a sign that says "will job for food"! Homeless Man says "I've got a JOB you can do me for food, heh heh heh..." and starts to remove his pants but then stops and says "oh wait, there's Punk's druggie sister, I'll get one from her!" and runs off! Miz starts crying and climbs into a trashcan to get some sleep but then says "hmm, what's this?" and pulls the HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT out of the garbage. And it's all dirty and has a used condom stuck to it but it's definitely the real thing! And Miz looks at it and says "HMMMM..."
What does this mean for WrestleMania!? Find out RIGHT NOW in my exclusive WrestleMania spoilers!
The show starts with Lilian Garcia singing the national anthem while footage of soldiers and tanks and guns is displayed to terrify foreign viewers!
CM Punk versus Chris Jericho - It's actually a GOOD THING that this match is opening the show as it means they'll get some time and it won't be cut down to under a minute like two other matches inevitably will! Punk and Jericho recreate Randy Savage/Ricky Steamboat from WrestleMania 3 MOVE FOR MOVE until the finish which they can't recreate since both Miss Elizabeth and George The Animal Steele are dead (I assume!) So instead Jericho hits the Codebreaker and SEEMINGLY wins clean(!?) But after Jericho walks all the way up to the top of the ramp he SMILES and pulls down his KNEEPAD to reveal a sheet of STEEL wrapped around the knee he uses for the codebreaker! Then he runs back down the aisle and pours a bottle (with a giant lable reading "ALCOHOL" on it!) of liquid down Punk's throat. When Punk wakes up he staggers around the ring DRUNK but then says he's got a TASTE for it now and invites Jerry Lawler out for a drink with him (Lawler is a non-drinker and is outraged!) But then Jeircho comes back out AGAIN and says "by the way, jackclown, that was NON-ALCOHOLIC!" and Punk just looks embarrassed and confused.
Cody Rhodes versus The Big Show - Before the match, Rhodes is shown talking to a MYSTERY FIGURE wearing BOXING GLOVES and says "that's right, I'll play you in BLING, haha!" to him. Big Show beats him up for OVER A MINUTE (it's not one of those cutdown matches!) until he hits the Big Punch after 90 seconds! But before he can make the cover, AKEBONO(~!) pulls the referee out then PUNCHES Show wearing boxing gloves and says "I've been boxing in Japan lately and got addicted to bling!" to explain! So Cody wins. But after the match Big Show chokeslams Cody then chokeslams Akebono onto Cody's FACE and Cody screams in agony and when he's next seen he has the face protector back and he's talking in that stupid voice again because this angle was such a big hit last year!
Five minute video package about Team Teddy versus Team Johnny.
Team Teddy versus Team Johnny - All the faces each tag in and hit the move! The heels get the heat on Zach Ryder (who else!) and each hit a move! Santino gets the hot tag and each heel with the Cobra! VICKI tries to hit Santino with her shoe! Aksana blocks it and grabs the shoe but then hits Santino with it herself! Team Johnny win! Match Time: 59 seconds (yes it's one of those!) Then Aksana says "haha, when I spear Johnny on RAW, I was running to his crotch because I give him many big job blows!" Then Ron Simmons comes out and gives Aksana a spinebuster (man on woman violence is okay at WrestleMania!) and says "DAMN! Let's get you to a whorehouse, Teddy!" and the whole angle is forgotten! And Mark Henry isn't shown on camera again after taking the cobra so Santino claims he ended Henry's career with it and there's nothing the smarks can do to change it!
Randy Orton versus Kane - Kane appears behind Randy and goes to chokeslam him in a reference to his match with Chavo at WrestleMania 24! But Orton reverses in mid air to a RKO in a reference to his match with Undertaker at WrestleMania 21 and gets the win in four seconds (one of those matches!) Then Kane says "you know what? I QUIT!" in a reference to JBL quitting after his match with Rey at WrestleMania 25! And also because he's quit and will never be seen again just like Mark Henry bye Kane!
One minutes video package about Daniel Bryan versus Shameus (there really isn't much to show except the seventeen chairshots!)
Daniel Bryan versus Shameus - Shameus comes out SELLING the seventeen chairshots he took on RAW so Bryan gets to DOMINATE him for two minutes with kicks! But then Shameus powers out of the LaBell lock and hits the Rogue Kick, The Celtic Cross AND the Irish Curse to get the win! Bryan blames AJ for the loss somehow and is about to SHOVE HER (someone freaked out backstage after Ron Simmons give Aksana a spinebuster) when suddnely KATELYN jumpst he barricade the bodyslams Bryan! Then Katelyn and AJ stare at each other then MAKE OUT in a modern day reference to Savage and Elizabeth at WrestleMania 7 (and because it's hot!) This sets up Bryan forming a team with Derrick Bateman and Johnny Curtis and DOMINATING NXT for a whole year as Vince has decided this is the best use for him!
Ten minute video package for Undertaker versus Triple H.
Twenty minutes of setting the Hell In The Cell up!
The Undertaker versus Triple H Hell In A Cell - As all the matches so far have run short this can last a full FIFTY MINUTES! Before the match, MOTORHEAD repel from the ceiling (but there is no ceiling!?) like The Brood at WrestleMania 15 and land on the roof of the cell (WWE changed their mind and put a roof on just for this spot, adding another ten minutes of ppv to the cell's construction!) and play their version of "Time To Play The Game" which is just Lemmy repeating "Time To Pay The Game It's All About Paying The Game Die Like A Fool!" for five minutes because those are the only words he can remember! Anyway, this match is REALLY LONG and not only do they each hit each other with each other's moves four times, Triple H also puts on a figure four for five minutes just because he's ordered Cole to say "The Game does that figure four even better than Ric Flair himself!" at that point! Then finally they're fighting outside the cell when Shawn Michaels remembers he's CONFLICTED about this match for some reason and acts like he's going to superkick HHH but changes his mind, then acts like he's going to superkick The Undertaker but changes his mind then superkicks THE CELL in frustration! And his foot gets stuck! At that EXACT MOMENT Triple H hits the pedigree in the ring and CLAERLY has the match won but there's no HBK! Then Undertaker recovers and htis the tombstone and RIGHT AWAY Shawn's foot comes free from the cell and he counts the three! THis sets up a rematc in a BURIED ALIVE match next year where Shawn has the burying shovel but who will he use it on!?
Seven minute video package for the Divas tag.
Kelly Kelly and Maria Mariogalaxyous versus Beth Phoenix and Eva Torres - This lasts a full ten minutes to give the fans vaule for money! Maria works the whole match since she's so great and hot and pins Beth (can't have Eve doing a job!) with a TIGER DRIVE 91~! But then Kelly Kelly TURNS HEEL on Maria with a fiendish Kelly Kutter and Beth and Eva join her in beating Maria down until THE NINJA DIVA makes the save with EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS (HMMM!) then pools her mask off and it's LAYLA and she says "cheerio, pip pip, I'm back and your arses belong to me!" This sets up Layla against ALL THE OTHER DIVAS (they're all heel now!) for the rest of the year and at Extreme Rules Layla and Maria will take on all the other Divas in a TRIPLE DECK CAGE MATCH like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage did against the Dungeon of Doom this time and it'll be even more awesome than that great match was!
Fifteen minute video package for Rock versus Cena.
The Rock versus John Cena - They have a GREAT MATCH with no tricks for twenty minutes until EVE runs in and says "listen, I need to be with a REAL MAN and you two are the only real men in wrestling!" and goes to make out with Cena but he says "hey, my wife's watching, THANKS TO THE ROCK!" and Rock laughs and says "more pie for me!" and makes out with Eve! But then ZACK RYDER runs out and says "what are you doing broski that's my girlfriendski, DIE FOR THIS" and gives The Rock the Rough Ryder! Then Eve SLAPS Zach and says "I faked every orgasm!" and Zack says "we never even had sex!" and Eve says "oh, right, that was with Punk...well I still hate you!" and Ryder goes to give Eve the Rough Ryder but she ducks and he hits Cena! So Cena gives him an FU over the top rope and through two tables! Then Cena is about to kiss even when she ducks and he kisses THE ROCK and it's funny and they all laugh! But then THE MIZ comes out with another referee and the Hardcore title and says "this is no laughing matter! Remember, 24/7 rules are STILL IN EFFECT so I'm out here now to wrestle in the main event of WrestleMania for the hardcore title! Just try to beat me!" Then Rock and Cena smile and give Miz a COMBINED Rock Bottom and FU (it'll make sense once you see it!) and Eve gives him the Evesault to finish him off! Then Cena has an idea and drags ZACH RYDER's destroyed body into the ring and places him on top of Miz and Ryder wins the hardcore title in the main event of WrestleMania just like he's always dream of! Then MICK FOLEY (with notepad!) appears at the top of the ramp and takes a few steps towards the ring before VINCE MAMHON runs in front of him and just shakes his head "no" and Foley looks sad and turns back around and walks backstage, a single tear sliding down his face. And since they're friends now, Rock goes to MUSS UP CENA'S HAIR but when he's standing in the mussing position Cena turns it into a back suplex and the TWO REFEREES (remember Miz brought one out!) both count a different set of shoulders down and the match is declared A DRAW! Then Rock laughs and says "well, I'm off to film Journey 3: This One's On The Moon now, see y'all next year for the rematch!" and walks away. Then Eve rolls up Ryder to win the hardcore title.
Should be a great WrestleMania! Back soon with more Hot Nez, until then follow me on twitter, eat your vitamins and masturwank like crizzazy!