Sunday, 28 December 2014

Global Force Wrestling Taping Results! 28/12/2014

OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that Jeff Jarett's Global Force Wrestling (catchy name!) recorded a special PILOT EPISODE!  If you're not a tv indsutry type peson like me you won't know that a pilot episode is a special unaired first episode of a tv show!  Teh name comes from the fact that airline pilots used to get free tickets to the recordings as a reward for not crashing and killing all their passengers!  GFW (catchy initials!) taped a SPECIAL SECRET pilot taping at a SECRET ARENA and only invited THE BEST wrestling journalists and other famous people to attend!  Naturally I was invited and had FRONT ROW SEATS BABY!  Also there were journalists Dave Meltzer, Bryan Alvarez, Bill Apter, Scott Keith, The Cubsfan, Justin Shapiro, ZRC, MiCasa, Al Isaacs from SCOOPS, Hyatte, Shannon Sean, The Scotsman, Herb Kuntz, Rajah WWF, Mr Tito, WrestlingGirl19, The Annoying Guy From The LAW, Dave Shoebomber and celebrity guests RON HOWARD, ROBERT PATRICK and VANA WHITE!  We were all made to sign an EMBARGO saying that we would NEVER report what we witnessed on this secret taping (because they might not air it or they might alter it with CGI!) but I signed my name as "Wade Keller" so now I can leak the results and face no legal actions!

The show started with a GIANT GUITAR set up in the ring and we all groaned (and not in sexual pleasure!) because we knew this meant Jeff Boring Jarrett would boring bore us and end the show hitting someone with a guitar!  But then the guitar EXPLODED and Jeff and KAREN Jarrett stood in the smoking guitar rubble!  Jeff said "take a good look at that guitar rubble BECAUSE THAT'S THE LAST STINKING TIME YOU'LL SEE A GUITAR HERE IN G DOUBLE YA F!  I know what people say about me, that I'm old and boring and I always hit people with guitars!  I'm taking a VOW to NOT hit NO ONE with a guitar on this show!  GWF will be DIFFERENT from ANY wrestling you've EVER seen BEFORE!  It will have great action, yes, great wrestling...but also great STORYLINES!  And great SOAP OPERA from my wife Karen and her PARADE of lovers!"  Then Karen pulled her jacket off revealing she was wearing LINGERIE and said "Jeff and I have an open relationship...and the thing that's MY LEGS!"  Then Jeff said "and tonight we will decide the FIRST GWF world champion in a triple threat ladder match between three of the brightest YOUNG stars in this business...Frankie Kazarian, Chris Sabin and Christopher Daniels!"  Then Karen made eyes at Rajah!

Jeff then came back out to re-record the entire promo because he'd said "GWF" instead of "GFW"!

SCOTT HUDSON and RICK THE MODEL MARTEL came out to provide commentary and Rick sprayed ARROGANCE on Hudson and said "that'll get the stench of WCW off you!"  There were also forty announce tables all around the ring for every country in the GFW universe with their own foreign language announcers and some of them were hot women!  Ricardo Rodriquez and EL PATRONUS DEL ALBERTO were on the Spanish table but Del Rio said "don't worry, folks, I'm just here as an announcer, I won't be getting physically involved!"  (Mr Tito translated it for me!)  Great Khali and Sanjay Dutt were at the Indian announced table!  The Bezerker and a hot blonde girl were at the Swedish announce table!  Johnny Saint and Mel C from the Spice Girls were at the UK announce table!  The Great Mutant and LADY BABA were at the Japanese announced table and Mutant wore a cowboy hat in a SLY REFERENCE to JR!

Ring announcer DON WEST (he's back!) said "and now for some high flying WRESTLING action that only GFW can provide!"  The original Sin Cara came out but his name was ZEN CARA and he did a BUDDHIST POSE at the top of the ramp!  Then his opponent TEDDY HART came out and Scott Keith explained to me (he's Canadian so he knows!) that Teddy is on new mind controlling drugs now so he won't do anything crazy like give a shooting star press to a cat like her used to!  They had a great high flying match full of flips for two minutes until Teddy did a 1080 off the ring post and landed with his head on Zen Cara's foot!  Then Zen Cara clutched his foot in PAIN and the referee made the "X" sign really obviously to the hard camera and the match was over!

BACKSTAGE Karen Jarrett was talking to HERMANDEZ and she said "you're my MAN DEZ" now because that's his new name, Her (Karen's) Man Dez!  They then went into a room for a blowjob.

The letters "GTJ" appeared on the Globaltron and JTG (now GTJ!) came out wearing jeans!  GTJ grabbed the mic and said "I've been waiting a LONG TIME to settle this score...Big Shad Gasplant (his new name!) get your ASS out here!"  Then Big Shad Gasport came out and there was a TENSE STAREDOWN...then GTJ handed him twenty dollars and said "here's the twenty I owe you, score settled!" and they hugged it out!  Then SCOTTISH BAGS started playing and DREW MCINTYRE and HIGHLANDER ROBBIE came out wearing Scottist skirts (kilts!) with their faces painted blue, the color of Scotland!  Drew said "that's right, I'm Drew and he's Robbie!" and Robbie said "I'm Robbie!" and Drew said "and now we'll show you what REAL SCOTSMEN do to the boys from the Hood, just like when Scotland kicked Robin Hood's ARSE in the war against the English back in 1766!"  Then the NEW HIGHLANDERS hit the ring and laid out GTJ right away with a HIGHLAND FLING (double hiptoss!) and Shad took one look at that and said "no way am I taking that, I'm in Hollywood now!" and put on some HOLLYWOOD SHADES and walked backstage!  GTJ was carried back on a stretcher, naturally!

Jeff Jarrett came back out to the ring again and said "and now for some very special guest...FLORIDA GEORGIA LION!"  And Florida Georgia Lion came out and everyone gasped in shock because they were last seen in WWE promoting their appearance on the Hooray For The Troops thing!  The one who looks like Jericho said "that's right, it's great to be here in GFW..." and Jeff grabbed the mic back off him and said "See?  SEE?  Even Florida Georgia Lion think GFW is better than WWE and have cancelled their appearance on Hurray To The Troops because they're GFW through and through!"  Then FGL said "uhh, we didn't actually say that, we just came here to promote our album, we thought this was like another WWE company anyway, we still support the troops..." but Jeff interrupted with "That's right!  The only troops they care about now are the GFW soldiers!  Ain't I great!" and did a strut.  Florida George Lion just looked confused then walked backstage.

Next up, BIG ZEKE (he can appear on both GFW and Lucha Underground because who's going to stop him!) came out to NO MUSIC and said "There will be no music!  I don't need gimmicks like music or a personality!  Bring on my opponent JACK!"  Then some FUNKY MUSIC played and the words "DEBIASE POSSE" appeared on the screen and TED DEBIASE (the lame one) came out being carried by his posses!  There were a lot like Adam Rose's posse, realy, but with a few changes like all the girls were black!  And instead of a bunny there was a fish!  Rajah pointed out that the Debiase Posse were around before the Rose Buds so TECHNICALLY it's not a rip off.  So I gave Rajah a wedgie, the nerd!  Zeke gave Ted a spear RIGHT AWAY and Debiase grabbed his wrist and said "AAAAH, MY WRIST!" and the referee (the black referee fired from the WWE a few months ago, remember him!?) started to do an X then said "oh shit, I forgot to start the match!"  Then Dibiase got up again and suddenly his wrist was FINE and the referee rang the bell and Zeke speared him again right away and Dibaise clutched his wrist and said "AAAH, MY WRIST!" and the referee made an X!  Debeesie was carried away by his posse like they were bodysurfing him but on a stretcher and they dropped him three times!

Karen was walking around looking for men baskstage when she saw Yoshi Tatsu and said "a man from the ORIENT could pleasure me like no one!  Not even a REDNECK can compete with an Asian!"  Then the camera pulled back to reveal JIMMY WANG YANG standing there too and he said "DAMN" like Ron Simmons!  Then they all went in a room for a threesome.

Some GENERIC JAPANESE music played and I could see Meltzer getting excited because he thought NEW JAPAN were going to come out to UP THE WORKRATE but instead KELLY KELLY came out and Meltzer said "Well, time to get shitfaced!" and started drinking straight vodka from a bottle with ZRC!  And Kelly was wearing a JAPANESE KIMONO DRAGON dress because she's turned her back on America and all it stands for!  "SHURT URRRRP!" said Kelly.  "You Americans think you're so great!  Guess what, Japan still hasn't forgiven you for World War Two and never will!  We have been pretending to be into crazy things like tentacle porn and Avril Lavigne to DISTRACT you Americans from the truth that we are breeding a race of SUPERMEN to take over the world!  Our Nintendo and Sony is MUCH better than your Microsoft and SEGA!  And now I will introduce the man who will CRUSH your American dreams like a fat uncle sitting on an apple pie at Thanksgiving...AKKEBONO!!!"  The huge Japanese superstar and former Sumo champion came out eating a BOWL OF RICE and he threw the bowl at Mr Tito when he was done!  He said "at WrestleMania I beat your American hero The Big Show in a SHOOT sumo match and now not even ONE American can bodyslam me, you are pathetic!  Let's go backstage for Japanese sex, Kerry Kerry!"

...then the sound of a HELICOPTER LANDING played into the arena and CHRIS MASTERS came out wearing nothing but Stars and Stripes boxers (we didn't actually see the helicopter but there must have been one!)  He said "you come out here saying there's something wrong with America?  There's nothing wrong with America!  The thing that's wrong with America is big fat Japanese guys like you coming over here and stealing all our AMERICAN women and eating all our AMERICAN rice!  You are a CANCER and I am the cure fo cancer!  After I bodyslam you through this ring I'll put you in the Masterlock and squeeze you so tight that your eyes unsquint!"  And the fans popped like crazy for this racism as no one loves America more than wrestling journalists!  Masters went for the bodyslam right away and got Akkebona off the ground(!) but then there was a load POPPING noise and Akkebono fell on top of him and the referee counted three (it was a match I guess!) then touched Masters knee and did the "X" sign and he was carried backstage on a stars and stripes stretcher!

Karen was shown looking tired backstage but then she looked directly into the camera and said "oh, it's you.  I'm never too tired for sex with YOU, my OLD FRIEND..." and the camera zoomed in on her breasts and then cut out and we didn't find out who it was and why were they carrying a camera!

ASTOUNDING KONG came out to the ring and said "that's right it's time for WOMEN'S action but we're not called Divas or Knockouts we're the FEMIZONS and we'll knock you out if you're a diva!"  Then MATT HARDY came out and said "Femizon?  More like FRIEND ZONE because that's where you women are always putting nice guys like me!  And another thing, stop trying to take our video games away from us!  We don't try to take Girls and Sex In The City and Roseanne away from you!"  Then Kong gave him a SPINNING BACKFIST to knock him out but the camera man jumped in the ring and hit Kong over the head with his camera and it broke in two (the camera not her head lol!) and out-spilled a MYSTICAL GEM!  The Camera Man took his beard off to reveal STEVIE RICHARDS and he said "that's right!  As you probably guessed I was using this mystical gem I found in Raven's basement to control Matt Hardy into doing my bidding...because I'm SICK of being friendzoned!  And that wasn't THE ONLY thing I found in Raven's basement!"  Then THE SANDMAN walked out wrapped up in bandages like a mummy for some reason and beat himself over the head with a singapore cane for five minutes until he had to be carried backstage on a stretcher!  Rajah explained to me that the whole mind control angle is based on CHIKARA which is a wrestling company for men with Asperger's!  So I gave him an atomic wedgie!

Then it cut backstage and for some reason the camera was now from Karen's point of view and she was walking down a corridor high fiving Alundra Blaze, Mickie James and Shaniqua who were singing "sisters are doing it for themselves!"  Then she bumped into KEVIN NASH and fell down and looked up and her point of view was staring at his crotch and he said "while you're down can give BIB DADDY SEXY...'s shoes a tying!  My shoes are untied is what I'm saying.  I can't reach down to tie them without tearing a quad!"  Then he did the Diesel "HONK HONK" motion with his hand.  Then Karen thought (we could hear her thoughts too!) "I wonder what Big Kev is doing here?  I better WARN JEFF...or maybe I should BETRAY JEFF!?"   And Nash said "uhh, why are you just sitting there thinking?"

Before the main event special guest ring announcer MICHAEL DORN (Worf!) said "the following triple threat ladder match will feature RANDOM LUCHA!"  This was to appeal to the Lucha Underground fans!

Frankie Kazarian, Chris Sabin and Christopher Daniels in a triple threat ladder match was the MAIN EVENT!  They're having a normal match until the words "RANDOM LUCHA" appeared in big neon letters and six luchadores ran out and started doing sloppy armdrags and topes where their feet got stuck in the ropes, as is the style in Lucha!  Then the neon letters went out and the luchadores ran away again and everyone shrugged and just went back to fighting!  Everyone climbed up a giant ladder but then a man in a TOTALLY BLACK SUIT ran in and tipped up the ladder and they all fell through a table outside the ring and were dead!  Then the man lay down on the ring (which was BLACK if I didn't mention before!) and disappeared (though Hyatte said he just rolled out of the ring really)!  Then Jeff Jarret ran out and said "this is a tragedy!  But while that belt is hanging in the air we don't have a champion so LEGALLY I must now climb up the ladder and grab the belt and win the match otherwise there will be no more GFW!"  So he pulled out a weird ladder with a strange GUITAR-SHAPED COMPARTMENT at the top(!) and I said "I bet there's a guitar in there!" and Rajah said "NO SPOILERS!" and gave me a noogie!  Jarrett climbed up and was about to get the belt when suddenly Daniels rolled into the ring and climbed the ladder and said "No Jeff I'm still alive you don't have to do this!" and Jeff smiled and pulled a guitar out of the guitar-shaped compartment(!) and smashed it over Daniels' head and said "BUT I WANT TO DO IT, SON, I'M THE GOD DAMN MOTHERFUCKING JEFFMAN!" and Worf announced him as the first GFW champion!

Jarrett strutted around the ring with the belt until Kazarian and Sabin got back up and looked ANGRY at him!  Then Zen Cara, GTJ, Ted Deebeasse, Chris Masters, Matt Hardy and The Sandman all surrounded the ring and some of them were on crutches and had neck braces and were ranting about "unsafe work environment and Jeff GULPED as all six got up on the apron...and then they attacked and destroyed Kazarian and Sabin and all HUGGED Jeff and he said "hahaha, ain't I great, I had them FAKE injuries earlier so none of you dumb MARKS would suspect a thing!"  But then KEVIN NASH started to march down to the ring as the fans went wild (we were all drunk by this point!) but before he could get there CODY HALL hit him in the back of the head with a cookie sheet knocking him out and said "THE SONS OF THE OUTSIDERS ARE RISING!"  Then the guy in the totally black suit (remember him?) appeared on a balcony pointing a black baseball bat at Jeff and the fans chanted "fire Russo!" because it was probably Russo!  Before we could find out if he was Russo or not, KURT ANGLE limped out onto the balcony and TIPPED the black suit guy over the edge and through three tables that were sitting below for some reason!  Then KAREN JARRETT walked out behind Kurt and TWEAKED HIS NIPPLES as Kurt said "Wooo!  That's right, I've come to get Karen back!  And next I'm coming for you, Jeff!  Unfortunately I just tore my groin pleasuring your wife, but in six months I'll be healthy enough to have a disappointing eight minute match with you, wooo!"  Then Karen smiled and gave Kurt a LOW BLOW and grabbed the mic and said "I only had sex with you to tear your groin!  It was Jeff's plan all along!  Ain't he great!"

By this time we were all throwing GARBAGE into the ring (Scott Keith got angry at us all throwing his old books into the ring!) and Jeff said "there's no one in this arena who can stop me!" and then DEL RIO started to stand up to a big pop but then he just shrugged and sat down again!  Then KHALI started to stand up but his knee seized up and he fell over!  Then Jeff said under his breath (but into the mic he was still holding) "DAMN IT Waltman missed his time cue!" and everyone just shrugged and walked backstage!  Then Bryan Alvarez said "MINUS TEN STARS!" and Meltzer did a crotch chop!

Back never with nothing!


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