14/12/08 - A Hot Newz Christmas Carol!

OMG I am back with a Christmas Special! This year is different and it is EXTRA special because instead of giving you hot newz and hot interviews and pictures of hot women like I have done in the past (women by email on request!) I am instead presenting to you a movie script I have written! It is a movie about THE ROCK based on the Shakespeare classic "Scrooged" and I hope to sell it to a MAJOR Hollywood studio! The cast will be obvious once you read the script and I know they'll all be JONESING to appear! Anyway, here is the script, make sure to tell your friends especially if your friends are major hollywood producers!

SCIZZOGED

Written by Hot Newz

Directed by Hot Newz

Executive Producers Hot Newz and SoCal Val

(The Rock and Megan Fox are having dinner at a fancy restaurant.)

Megan: I'm so glad I decided to come out with you, Dwayne.

Rock: And I'm glad you dumped that Terminator loser guy!

Megan: No one even watches that show!

Rock: Haha, I bet they go to a lot of effort with the scripts and everything. Losers. All they need is explosions and catchphrases and eye-brow raising, baby!

Megan: Let's skip the rest of dinner even though it cost a thousand bucks and go straight to bed. FOR SEX!

Rock: Haha, sure baby. A thousand buck is chump change to the...to me. To Dwayne. SEX!

(A young boy comes over to the table.)

Boy: My dad said not to disturb you but I knew you'd sign an autograph for me because you are a good man and I'm one of the millions and millions of fans!

Rock: Sure kid, Dwayne will sign you an autograph...

Boy: Dwayne? I want the Rock's autograph!

Megan: He wants a Rockograph!

Rock: What? TO HELL WITH THAT. I ain't the Rock no more, I hate wrestling. Beat it, jab...you bum!

Boy: Aaaah!

(The boy runs away in fear.)

Megan: That wasn't very nice.

Rock: Shut your mouth, ho!

Megan: How dare you!

Rock: Look, are we going to have sex or not?

Megan: Not afer you call me a ho!

Rock: Well then...do you like pancakes?

Megan: Umm, yes.

Rock: THEN PANCAKE YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! THEN EAT SOME PANCAKES, SKINNY. I don't need you...I've got someone better to share my bed with.

(CUT TO Rock rolling around in bed...with lots of bank notes!)

Rock: Money money money! You're all I need! I don't need Megan Fox or wrestling fans! I don't need a soul!

(The phone rings. He sighs and answers.)

Rock: I'm with the money, what do you want?

Agent: Got you a new film role! Well, I don't know if you'll want to do it, the script is pretty poor, piss poor actually...

Rock: Am I getting paid more than ever before?

Agent: Yes, and there's lots of explosions and an annoying kid, but...

Rock: Then what are you waiting for? SIGN ME UP AND DON'T BOTHER ME AGAIN!

Agent: Okay. Merry Christmas for tomorrow.

Rock: Oh, it's Christmas tomorrow?

Agent: Uhh, yeah...

Rock: BAH HURRICANE-BUG!

(He smashes down the phone.)

Rock: Can just by a new one!

(He goes to sleep. CUT TO later that night. The Rock is lying in bed, asleep.)

Rock: Roody poo...candy ass...layin' the smackdown...

Voice: So you STILL talk trash in your sleep?

(The Rock wakes up.)

Rock: Who's that, who's there!?

Voice: Oh I THINK YOU BETTER RECOGNISE just who the hell I am!

(D'Lo Brown steps out of the shadows. DRESSED A GHOST.)

Rock: You're not dead!

D'Lo: No, but my career is!

Rock: What are you doing here?

D'Lo: You will be visited by three ghosts tonight!

Rock: So another two after you.

D'Lo: No, not including me.

Rock: Right, so four ghosts then.

D'Lo: I suppose so.

Rock: Well why didn't you just say that in the first place!?

D'Lo: Look, it's hardly the point! The point is that you must change your ways! Stop being a Hollywood phoney and start caring about your fans and wrestling again.

Rock: Never!

D'Lo: It's not too late to change! Look at the Great Khali, he hated America and tried to kill The Undertaker, the symbol of all that is good in America, but he discovered a new love for the USA when he started kissing fat american broads! You can do the same thing!

Rock: I'm not kissing no large women! Billy Gunn tried to make me do that once...but that was in another lifetime.

D'Lo: Change your ways! Change your waaaaaays!

(D'Lo backs out of the room making spooky hand gestures.)

Rock: I'm never going back to wrestling and caring about my fans. Never!

(The Rock goes back to sleep. Later that night a banging wakes him up.)

Rock: Who is it this time?

Ghost: I am the ghost of WWF past!

Rock: No, you're just D'Lo again but in a false moustache.

D'Lo in a false moustache: Remember when I had a moustache when we were in the Nation together? That's what this is.

Rock: Just get out of here, you bum! I got to sleep, man, I've got Christmas tomorrow, Christmas with my money!

D'Lo: Not Christmas with THE MUMMY?

Rock: I was in The Mummy Returns, not The Mummy.

D'Lo: Oh. Anyway, look at your past! On his latop. LOOOOOK!

(D'Lo plays a YouTube video on his latop of Rocky Maivia's debut at Survivor Series 96.)

Rock: Damn, look at that pineapple headed jabroni...oh, it's me.

D'Lo: See the simple pleasure you got out of slapping hands with kids and pinning Goldust with a shoulder breaker. You can have that all over again!

Rock: Goldust's still got a job?

D'Lo: Amazingly yes!

Rock: Well unlike him I've moved on!

D'Lo: Oh yeah? Is what you're doing with your life now really more worthwhile than THIS?

(D'Lo plays a YouTube of The Rock hitting Ken Shamrock with a killer chairshot.)

Rock: Haha, no wonder he's lost his last 40 MMA fights after all those chairshots! Still, I don't miss that life.

D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?

(He clicks out another YouTube link, but the "this video has been removed due to a copyright claim by WWE" message comes up.)

D'Lo: Hold on, let me find another link...

(He keeps searching, then closes his browser by mistake.)

D'Lo: Shit...just hold on...

Rock: Look, I do have to sleep, and I've got two more ghosts coming before the night's over...

D'Lo: The sound quality is crap on on this one! Okay, I'll just turn it up...

(It's the video of the Rock versus Hulk Hogan from WrestleMania 18.)

D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?

Rock: No! Those jabroni mothercanuckers booed The Rock out of the building!

D'Lo: They booed...The Rock?

Rock: I mean, me. They booed me. I'm not the Rock anymore!

D'Lo: Change your ways. CHANGE YOUR WAAAAYS!

(D'Lo backs out of the room making ghostly hand gestures.)

Rock: I ain't changing for him or nobody. What a roody...rude person.

(Rock goes back to sleep for 18 seconds before another ghost shows up.)

Ghost: I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

Rock: I'm going to gift wrap you, take a bow, turn that sumbitch sideways and....make another movie. Go away!

Ghost: No. NOOOOO!

Rock: Who are you anyway, you sound familiar...

(It's Tony Atlas!)

Tony Atlas: It's Tony Atlas!

Rock: Well that makes less sense than D'Lo! You were friends with my dad, not part of my present!

Atlas: Yeah, but I'll do anything for money. ANYTHING.

Rock: Yeah, that's true. Well, what do you want?

Atlas: I have something to show you...downstairs...

Rock: Whoah there, uncle Tony, my dad knows about that, don't try it again...

Atlas: No, I mean REALLY downstairs.

Rock: Oh.

Atlas: And you were seventeen at the time so it wasn't even all that bad. Anyway, follow me.

(Rock follows Atlas downstairs and out of his mansion.)

Rock: Wait, we're going to that stinky little hut in the garden?

Atlas: That stinky little hut is where your butler lives.

Rock: Is it? Why would he want to live there? Eww.

Atlas: You only pay him in change you find down the back of your sofa!

Rock: Hey, I gave him a hundred dollar bill the other day.

Atlas: Three months ago!

Rock: Pah, that's enough to feed a starving family for three months...I used to eat dust sandwiches when I was in the USWA...I think...I can't really remember.

Atlas: Look through the window.

Rock: What am I looking at?

Atlas: Umm, them unwrapping their Christmas present...but it will probably be another four hours before they do, given that it's the middle of the night...I should have come later, really.

FOUR WHOURS LATER

Rock: ...and that's the story of how I saved Christopher Walken's career. Now for the story of what really happened to Natalie Wood...

Atlas: Never mind, it's time! BEHOLD!

(Through the window, the young boy from the restaurant is unwrapping his one and only present.)

Rock: Oh, so that's who he was...guess I should have recognised the little jabroni.

Boy: Dad, what is this?

Dad: It's a collection of every movie The Rock has ever been in, on DVD!

Rock: What a great present!

Boy: Oh.

(He throws them down.)

Dad: What's wrong, son?

Boy: Daddy, I hate The Rock! He's mean and his movies suck! I mean, Gameplan? SERIOUSLY?

Dad: Now son, don't be ungrateful, it's thanks to the Rock that we have this lovely house...

Boy: This house is horrible!

Dad: Hey!

Boy: The Rock sucks! I'd rather have The Marine on DVD than these abortions.

Dad: You don't mean that, son.

Boy: I do. I'd rather have Mister Kennedy's movie!

Dad: You've gone too far!

(The father grabs the son and starts spanking him.)

Boy: Oww!

Dad: TAKE. YOUR. MEDECINE.

Rock: Damn!

Atlas: Uhh, I didn't think that was going to happen. But you see the point? Your young fans have lost all faith in you and your movies suck.

Rock: Hey, I made Doom.

Atlas: Exactly!

Rock: Hmm...but wrestling...I'm so much better than that.

Atlas: Oh, you think you're better than me, do you, better than Tony Atlas and Big Mark Henry?

Rock: Yes!

Atlas: Okay, fair point. There's still one more ghost to come, maybe he can change your mind.

Rock: Who's it going to be? Tazz?

Atlas: Oh, you'd like it to be Tazz, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU?

(Atlas runs away. The Rock shrugs and goes back to bed. Twelves seconds later a ghost awakes.)

Rock: Hi Tazz...wait, you're not Tazz...

Ghost: It's me! D D P!

Rock: Who?

DDP: Me! Look at my hands!

Rock: God you're old. How can you be the Ghost of Christmas Future?

DDP: Because you'll be old some day, Rock. Old and wrinkly like me! And like me you could end up alone, Kimberley having left you for Bischoff, WWE, TNA and not even MEXICO returning your calls! But that's not a bad thing! That's a good thing.

Rock: It is?

DDP: Nah, it's a bad thing. I'm just trying to get all my catchphases in. BANG! Hey, you know that hand signal Hitler used to do? That was the self HEIL five!

Rock: Just show me whatever you've got to show me.

DDP: Okay.

(DDP pops a DVD on. It is of the latest Impact.)

Rock: Hey, Mickey Faulty! Foley? Something like that. I wondered what happened to that guy. Why are you showing me him? To show the dangers of eating too many pies?

DDP: BEHOLD.

Rock: You been hanging out with Tony Atlas?

DDP: He's a cool guy.

(Foley is talking to Jim Cornette backstage.)

Foley: ...remember that Boiler Room Brawl I had with the Big Show? Funny story about that match, Vince Russo came up to me before it and said "Mick, you're gonna have to hit Big Show with a bottle of lemonade" and I said "No way Vince, I ain't doing that!" But then I had a change of heart and decided I would do it, then during the match I'm looking for my bottle of lemonade, can't find it! Turns out Mideon, that tattooed tough guy, drank it before the match. Then Mideo peed in Viscera's boots! Crazy days. Great days. I miss them so much. But hey, I'm having a lot of fun here in TNA! It reminds me of when I was in ECW and Steve Austin was wrestling on one show and before his match I said "hey Steve, you can use my big elbow drop if you want!" He didn't use it. Great guy though. It's a shame him and Debra didn't stay together...

Rock: Enough! This is painful! It has nothing to do with TNA's product, it's just Mick rambling on!

DDP: Exactly!

Rock: What do you mean, exactly? This has no relevance to me, I'm not going to end up like that.

DDP: Are you sure?

Rock: Yeah, it's impossible.

DDP: Impossible? No. Highly, HIGHLY unlikely? Yes. But NOT impossible. And you need to be aware of that, Rock. Just imagine, if you will, for a moment that your movie career fails because you've been in nothing but bad movies and refuse to star in anything good. Just IMAGINE that the money's running out because your ex wife has turned into a bitch and wants more for your stinking kids. But worse than that, imagine that you're not famous anymore! Imagine that no one knows who you are or cares about you anymore. Imagine that the ONLY WAY to be famous again is to return to wrestling, but the WWE won't hire you because of the way you treated D'Lo Brown and Tony Atlas, two great and much loved men, a couple of years earlier. Your ONLY OPTION is to go to TNA and then, like Foley, all you can do is talk about the times you used to be great in pointless backstage segments with Jim Cornette and Jeremy Borash. You cannot deny that there is a chance, even the smallest chance in the world, that this COULD happen. You cannot deny that. And you can't take the chance that it could happen.

(The Rock looks horrified.)

Rock: My God, you're right. I'm returning to WWE this instant!

DDP: BANG!

(DDP runs away. The Rock goes to the window. The butler's son is outside.)

Rock: You boy, what day is this?

Boy: What, you don't have a calendar? You can't just turn on the radio or tv?

Rock: Just tell me!

Boy: Why sir, it's Christmas day. You miserable old Scrizzoge!

Rock: Oh really?

(The Rock takes some of the money he's been sleeping with and throws it out of the window.)

Kid: Yay, money! Thanks Rock! This will stop dad from hitting me!

Rock: Don't mention it, kid!

Kid: Hmm...it does smell funny though.

Rock: That's strange.

(Rock takes a step back from the window.)

Rock: Better not tell him I've been masturwanking with that cash.

A WEEK LATER

(The Rock is meeting with Vince McMahon in Vince's office.)

Vince: ...then it's agreed, you'll return full time starting this week on RAW.

Rock: I can't believe I'm back! It feels so good. No more crappy movies!

Vince: Haha, yeah. I heard you were dating Megan Fox by the way, how did that end?

Rock: I realised she's horribly overrated.

Vince: Ha, glad you did, pal! There's lots of hot divas you can sleep with here anyway.

Rock: I assume Trish Stratus, Stacey Keibler and Torrie Wilson are still employed?

Vince: Umm...I think they all died or something. But there's Kelly Kelly! She has an improbable name.

Rock: I like her already!

(They shake hands and The Rock leaves. D'Low Brown, Tony Atlas and DDP step out of the shadows.)

Vince: Well done, all of you. Here's a crisp hundred dollar bill each.

Atlas: Just like The Rock did for his butler!

D'Lo: This is going straight n the bank!

Vince: Yeah, you both better save...since you're both FIRED. Sorry, you both suck and I need to pay the Rock's huge salary. GET THEM OUT OF HERE!

(The Basham Brothers (they're still alive!) drag D'Lo and Tony Atlas away.)

DDP: Well, what about me? You promised me a job if I talked the Rock back!

Vince: No, I promised not to kick you in the face if you got down on your knees and begged for a job.

DDP: Oh, right, so you did. Sorry.

(DDP gets down on his knees.)

DDP: Please give me a job!

(Randy Orton runs in and kicks DDP in the face.)

Vince: No!

THE END

BIG DADDY V REPLACING THE ROCK IN STRAIGHT TO DVD GAMEPLAN SEQUEL? CHIRSTY HEMME'S NEW PUSH NOT AT ALL CONNECTED TO THE FACT THAT SHE'S BEEN SPOTTED LEAVING VINCE RUSSO'S HOTEL ROOM AT 3AM WITH VISIBLE ORGASM FACE? CHRISTOPHER DANIELS/CURRY MAN TO RETURN AS A NEW DOINK BUT THEY CAN'T KILL HIM DOINK SO THEY CALL HIM "BOINK" BUT THE WWE STILL SUES EVEN AT THAT SO THEY SCRAP THE GIMMICK AND HE GOES BACK TO CURRY MAN WITH NO EXPLANATION? MIKE ADAMLE ADMITS THAT HE FAKED KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT WRESTLING TO GET FIRED AND HE'S ACTUALLY HARDCORE RING OF HONOR FAN? PLUS ACTUAL GENUINE, NOT EVEN LYING THIS TIME, HONESTLY CLICK THE LINK TO SEE, PICS OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON A NUDIST BEACH AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

28/11/08

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25/10/08

OMFG! I am back with more hot Newz! And yes I know I said I was LEAVING FOREVER but that was just a SWERVE designed to find out who my real freindz are and now I know (the 3 people who emailed me, though two were just offering viagra for some reason!) so I'm back with more Hot Newz! The big newz this week as it is EVERY year at this time is that Cyborg Sunday is THIS Sunday! And Cyborg Sunday has always been my favoritest WWE ppv of the year going ALL the way back in the depths of time to 2004 when it was named To-BOO Tuesday and took place on a Tuesday! This is beasue it is the only show which is interactive and lets the fans vote on which matches will take place and the REALLY good newz this year is that Vince has finally taken my advice and started CHARGING for votes! This might seem like a horrible rip-off designed to pay for a new private jet soley for Triple H and Stephanie's kids to fly on, but in fact it's a BRILLIANT move and stops the dumb marks from voting (since dumb makrs are all poor!) and means only real hardcore money-bags fans like me and ZRC and Scott Keith can afford to vote and change the face of wrestling! I'm going to use my ad revenues to vote a FIFTY times for Vladamir Koslov to face HHH one on one to teach the Hardy fangrrlz and Jeff himself a lesson: start hitting the whipser in the wind better!

But the REALEST big newz is that the WWE has brizzought in a new character named Kizarny and I don't have to tizzell you where he STIZZOLE his speech pizzatterns from! WWE can claim he's talking "carny" but we all know that he's really talking NEWZY! If WWE wants to portray him accurately he should be chased around by hot chicks at all times and his finisher should be a 360 spinning top rope piledriver (like Zangief from Street Fighter and me when I used to backyard!) He should also cut promos before, after and DURING his matches to get his hip lingo over with the kidz (though I've already laid the grizzountwork!)

Lance Cade has been released! Cade (real name Garrison Storm) was fired according to JR due to an "error of judgement" after he had a seizure on a plane! What JR means by this that if Cade had done the right thing and had his seizure in a toilet stall where no one could see him or even in the privacy of his own home, like all other wrestlers do, then he'd still have a job! Stupid Cade don't know the seizure protocol! Cade will team up with his old friend (with benefits!) Trevor Murdoch in TNA as "Red and Neck" (Garrison Red and Terrence Neck!) where they will lose clean to Abyss in a handicap match in their debut, not appear on the next two Impacts, beat the Motorshitty Machine Guns when they keep pointing at their hands instead of wrestling, lose to every other tag team in a "tag team tsunami" match on ppv (rules coming soon!), split up on the next Impact, never wrestle each other once but lose to Rhyno on alternating weeks for the next six weeks, then finally team again with no explanation to lose to new tag team of Consequences Creed and Jeremy Borash! I can't wait!

The feud between Cryme Tyme and Miz and Morrison is NOT a shoot and actually the same guy scripts both The Dirt Sheet and The Rap Sheet and that guy is FREDDIE PRINZE JUNIOR to justify his massive pay check and the fact that he keeps walking around backstage suggesting to all the wrestlers than they should "talk in a deeper voice" and thaat's his only idea and when they get angry he says "hey, I know Scrappy Doo!"

To get people to vote for Koslov at Cyborg Sunday, on Smackdown this week HHH will be in Vickie's office and he'll say "Listen up, if you respect me, vote for Koslov! If you can remember when I was in DX and used to be cool and you liked that, then vote for Koslov! I REALLY WANT YOU TO, RRRRARGH!" Then he starts smashing up one wall of Vickie's office with a sledgehammer! Then Vickie comes in and says "hey, what are you doing to that wall? And why just that one, why ignore the other three walls?" And Hunter says "Isn't it obvious, Vickie? I'm breaking the fourth wall!"

Vince McMahon has MCBANNED (banned) the use of the term "WWE Superstar"! He will declare that from now they must be called "WWE Warriors" but the Ultimate Warrior files a lawsuit so Vince decides they must be called "WWE Gladiators" until Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe file a lawsuit! But then Crowe appears at a RAW show promoting his new movie BIBLE: THE MOVIE (a movie of the bible!) and gets into a fight with William Regal backstage so they call it even.

I got comped to an Impact taping last night! Well, I wasn't going to pay and I promised I'd make a lot of noise so that it sounds like there was a lot of people there on tv (it was really just me, four TNA marks, Jeremy Borash's hot wife and their eight kids and Disco Inferno and the Disco Duck (remember that?) in the crowd!) However I didn't make a sound the whole night except for TUTTING LOUDLY whenever they made a boneheaded booking choice (so 385 times in all, then!)

First up BIG LUMPY Kevin Nash came to the ring to a mixed response (a mixture of silence and the four marks booing.) He took the mic and said "OH YOU MAY BOO but you still paid to see me, whoo! You dumb dumbos are dumb, but you know who's even dumber? TNA management! They pay me a huge six figure income to wrestle like six five minute matches a year! Even though I'm fifteen years past my prime! Even though I make no difference to television ratings or pay per view buyrates! Even though I'm so lazy I won't even do a knee-lift in the corner now because lifting my leg tires me out! Even though my interviews are long and rambling and make obscure references to Scott Hall all the time, chico! They still pay me and you still have to watch me! And Samoa Joe, tonight, in our match, I'm just going to walk out backstage before and you'll have to wrestle Tomko again and nobody will care! And Mikey Tenay, I've been sleeping with your wife the last three years!" Then Tenay stood up and said "Oh yeah? Well joke's on her, I've been cheating on her with hookers for the last ten years!" and did a crotch chop!

Next up it was time for a "Who's the sexiest knockout" contest judged by Mick Foley! And Velvet Love, Angelina Sky, Taylor Wilde, Christy Hemme and SoCal Val (of course) were all in the contest! Then Foley came out stopping to charge fans for autographs as he did and said "Hey, I know I said I'd quit last week, but it's not like this is the first time I've gone back on a retirement promise! And anyway, I just could not resist judging this who's the sexiest knockout tournament, even though Melina isn't involved! That, and Jeff Jarrett's paying me obscene amounts of money! Bang bang! Anygay, since everyone knows I love big juicy asses, that makes it obvious that I'm just going to pick SoCal Val as the winner, but let's just make it official, the WINNER of this contest is..." Then he just stopped and looked around for a minute and I heard Don West saying "uhh, isn't Kong's music supposed to be playing?" and then finally about two minutes later Awesome Kong's music played and Foley said "how dare you interupt me!" But Kong's arab friend said "how dare you american pig have this match without including the biggest sexiest blackest sistah of them all...the Astonishing Kong!" Then Foley said "listen up toots, this is AMERICA and in AMERICA we have AMERICAN FREEDOM and the freedom not to include fatties in sexist knockout competitions, bang bang!" But then Saaed said "oh yeah? Let's see what MY HUSBAND says about that!" and Foley said "who's your husband, Pete Gas?" in a vague, dated WWF reference no one got but me (since I'm awesome) but Saeed said "no, HIM!" and SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR of all people stabbed Foley in the eye with a spike! Then the Guru Sonjay Dutt ran out and joined Bashir, Kong and Saaed in beating down Foley and Don West said "OH I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, I SEE THE ONE THING THESE FOUR PEOPLE ALL HAVE IN COMMON...THEY'RE ALL JERKS!" Then Bashir told Sonjay to force SoCal Val to wear a veil over her big ass.

Next up was Cute Kipp (who is quite cute in person I must admit) against Rhyno and Rhyno won in 17 seconds with da gore then said "I want some REAL competition,baby!" but then turned around and HIGHLANDER ROBBIE hit him with a bagpipe bag! But then he opened the bag up and there were DOORKNOBS inside and he said "Aye, that's right, I'm sure real competition FER YA, straight from the mean streets of Scotland...GROUNDSKEEPER ROBBIE and they call me that because I KEEP my opponents on the GROUND!"

Next up was Abyss versus Christian Cage for some reason! But before the match Christian took the mic and said "YAWN! You know how that great man Santino on the entertaining show named RAW has the Honk A Meter? Well, I have the Contract Run Out O Meter! And that's the meter which tells me how much longer I'm going to have to work in this DUMP before I can finally leave and go back to the WWE where I'll make money and people actually watch! Only three months to go, losers! Come on, Abyss, you big tardnose, I'll just lie down and let you pin me..." And he lay down and Abyss LICKED HIS LIPS at the prospect of an easy pin but when he leaned over Christian SHOCKINGLYLY rolled him up in a small package for the win (though Abyss's right shoulder wasn't down for the three count and the referee stopped counting and looked confused but acted like he's counted three anyway) then Christian said "I TRICKED YOU ALL!" and ran away.

Backstage, Booker T was looking through a trash can and Sharmell said "what you lookin' for?" and Booker said (in an australian accent for some reason) "I'm lookin' for something my brother threw away...hey, GET THAT CAMERA OFF, THIS BE SECRET, MATE!" and gave the camera a superkick! Then you could hear Jeff Jarrett say "damn it, Booker, those things are expensive, it was supposed to be a WORKED KICK!" so that's probably some new angle or something.

Next up, KURT THE MANDAWG ANGLE came out to the ring and said "listen up you punks, I WANT SOME FREAKING RESPECT AROUND MY ASS! Jeff Jarrett, your ass can send your TEN BEST out here and I'll just totally bury them with Angle Slams and shit, jabroni!" Then Jarrett came out and waved for his TEN BEST to run out and first was Shark Boy who got an Angle Slam, Curry Man got the same, Super Eric no sold an angle slam(!) but then held his chest and faked a heart attack and rolled out the ring (no one knew why), then Angle Slams for Jay Lethal, Machine Guns, Lance Hyot but then GAIL KIM (she's back!) ran out and when Angle tried to Angle Slam her she reversed it to a rana and gave him a spinning DDT! Then Jeff Jarrett came down to the ring and said "Gail, you're the MAN tonight!" but Kim spat GREEN MIST in his eyes(!!!) then Kurt hit Jarrett with his OWN GUITAR (the ultimate insult) and said "ha, our plan worked, come on, let's go have sex!" and Gail started wiping the green mist off her mouth but Kurt said "No, LEAVE IT IN!"

Next was Booker T versus the seven foot jobber Matt Morgan with Jim Cornette now managing him holding a tennis racket for no reason and Morgan dominated the match and when Sharmell tried to interfere Cornette SMACKED her ass with his tennis racket! But while the perverted referee (you know the one!) was distracted looking at the bruises on Sharmell's ass, Booker reached into his tights and pulled out a SLAPJACK and hit Morgan with it and left him out like a light for the one two three (but it could have been fifty after that slapjack shot, let me tell you!) Then Booker looked up at the heavens, pounded his first against his heart and said "thank you, Stevie Ray!" in a loving tribute to his brother.

Next up Beer Money Incorporated (seriously, that's their name. Seriously) defended the tag titles against Team 3D in a heel versus heel match (yawn) but to make it more exciting HERMANDEZ ran in and destroyed everyone with moves then said "Homicide! I'm shooting now! You might want to let your contract run out like a Christian Cage and go to Ring Of Honor...or should I say Ring of HORROR and beat people with unconvincing lariates - seriously, man, your arms is short and skinny, why the hell do you use a lariat as a finisher - but I'm TNA for life! But then Cornette came out and said "Hermandez, for ruining this great match...YOU'RE FIRED!" And Hermandez broke down crying and did a slow, silent walk to the back while Don West and Tenay stood up holding their hats down at their groins in respect as is tradition and Tenay said "Good bye, Hermandez, and thank you for the memories. God bless."

Backstage Jeff Jarett was wiping green mist out his eyes and Hermandez said "hey, can you sign this for me? I'm a big fan. I loved your "don't piss me off!" gimmick!" and Jeff said "sure, kid!" and signed it then Hermandez held it up and it was a NEW CONTRACT!!

Next up was the big match between Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash except of course Nash didn't show up, it was just Tomko in a Kevin Nash shirt and wearing a backwards baseball cap for some reason. And Joe took the mic and said "DAMN DOG IT! Tomko, what the hell are you doing out here, doing big Kev's big bidding? Don't you have a mind of your own? You're a young guy with cool tattoos, just like me! You should join me! Join me and together we could send those old guys to the old folk's home to DIE where they belong the oldies! JOIN THE REVOLUTION AND IT WILL BE TELEVISED ON TNA TELEVISION!" And Tomko started crying with emotion at this stirring speech and said "YES! I WILL JOIN YOU! DEATH TO OLD PEOPLE!" But then Joe kicked Tomko in the nuts(!) and kicked him on the face and spat on his neck and pulled out a CHEESE GRATER and started grating Tomko's forehead until he grated out GRATED BLOOD! Then Joe said "yeah bitchboy, that's what you get, thinking you can join MY revolution, team with me, I'm a loan wolf, a sole assassin, a man of passion, and I don't need your stinking help!" Then Tomko's WIFE (who, surprisingly wasn't hot in the slightest) ran in and kneeled over Tomko and said "I THINK HIS CAREER IS OVER!" Then everyone just shrugged and walked away.

Next it was finally time for our LONG AWAITED non-title match between Sting and AJ Styles! Even though it's the ppv main event! They had a THIRTY MINUTE great match until finally AJ pinned Sting with the Styles Clash! Then Sting said "very good, young man! And since you pinned me here, at the pay per view, whatever it's called, for you to win you'll have to pin me THREE TIMES but for ME to win, I'll only have to pin you once!" Then Don West said "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, MIKE, THERE'S NEVER BEEN A MATCH LIKE THAT BEFORE!" and Tenay said "Yeah, because it's the gayest idea ever!" and threw down his headset and walked backstage. Then Sting did the Wolfpac howl to send the fans home happy (even though he's a heel.)

It was the ninth best Impact taping I've ever been to...and I've only been to eight!

Anyway, as you ALL stinking know Cyborg Sunday is THIS Sizzunday! Since it is a REAL shoot everyo match has THREE possible endings booked! Which is good for the writers because they get paid three times as much!

Matt Hardy versus Evan Bourne, Finlay or Mark Henry.

If Bourne: They have a great eight minute match until finally Bourne goes for the shooting star press but somehow Matt Hardy manages to catch it in mid air and hit a Twist Of Fate! And this looks so cool the first time you see it that everyone on the internet says it's a great match and Dave Meltzer says it's a "MOTY candidate"! But then the next day the backlash begins and everyone says that the finish was stupid and made no sense and the match sucked and anyone who liked it sucked and Meltzer is losing his touch and if he's so great how come he gave the Bret/Owen cage match five stars but only gave four and three quarters to the Wrestlemania 10 match!?

If Finlay: The referee is distraction by Hornswoggle doing an IRISH JIG and Finlay is about to hit Matt with the Shell...Irish club thing, when suddenly Gregory Helms pops up on the titan tron in a little bubble and says hey, Fitt Finlay! You're supposed to be a good guy but you win all yoru matches by hitting your opponent with a club! That's not the actions of a good guy! How can you live with yourself? I'm just saying!" then disappears. Then Finlay looks at his hands like Bob Backlund used to and says "WHAT HAVE I BECOMETH! I'll win this match on my own ability!" and throws the club away to a big pop. Then Matt hits him witht he twist of fate eight seconds later to win.

If Mark Henry: If Mark Henry win the vot then that is PROOF that the fans have excepted him as a main eventer and that they subconsciously WANT HIM as their champion so he beats Matt in 48 seconds then bends frying pans and juggles with Matt and Tony Atlas to use up time.

Dvas Halloween Costume Contest of SEX.

Beth is dressed as Xena and it's so predictable and out-dated that everyone else refuses to compete and she's declared the winner by default!

Noble/Mickie versus Regal/Layla or Cryme Tyme versus Mizorrison or Priceless versus Punk and Kingstone.

If Noble/Micke vs Regal/Layla: Noble suddenly grabs Mickie around the neck and says "Layla! I still love you and your fine ass! If I SNAP Mickie's neck for you, will you love me again?" And Layla shrugs and says "sure" and Noble SNAPS Mickie's neck and you hear a pop! But then Layla kicks Noble in the balls and says "Ha! Even murdering Mickie James live on ppv won't make me love you!" But then Mickie jumps up(!) and kicks Layla where HER balls would be if she was a man and pins her says "Ha! It was a set-up, I made that popping sound with my mouth!"

If Cryme Tyme vs Mizorrison: Double countout!

If Priceless vs Punk/Kingstone: Double DQ! Hopefully the WWE Universe will go with the first option!

Santino versus Roddy Piper, Honky Tonk Dan or Goldust.

If Roddy Piper: Unfortunately it sucks because Piper's old and has had all his hips, knees, elbows and teeth replaced with fakes and he can't even do the eyepoke because he's got crippling arthritis in his inxed fingers from fighting Space Invaders in 1977 (name that reference!) And Jimmy Kennel isn't even here this time to save the match and Santino wins with a roll-up holding the kilt (Piper wrestles in his kilt so that we can't see his flabby thighs!)

If Honky Tonk Man: Santino plays the YouTube video of Honky injuring his finger on the titan tron and runs away through the crowd while Honky's watching it! This is all to set up Honky returning a year later and winning the IC belt when Santino is just one day away from breaking the record!

If Goldust: Santino grabs the mic and says "Ah, look-ah at this, it's the Goldendust! You are so fat that TNA should have called you FAT reign! Hey, where is your friend the Rellik that is Killer spelt backwards, huh? Do you think your dad loves Cody more than you since Cody's so much younger and thinner and better in the a-ring? I do!" But Goldust is just CHARLIE HAAS dressed up as Goldust so he's unaffacted by these insults and wins in three minutes and we have a new chimpion!

Kane versus Rey Mysterious (falls count anywhere or no holds bad or two out of three falls.)

If falls count anywhere: Kane grabs the mic and says "let's settle this thing on my home turf...IN HELL!" Then Rey says "Umm, but Hell is just a mythological and metaphorical construct, dude!" And Kane says "Okay, parking lot then." And Rey finally gets a car and drives it right by Kane but then SWERVES it round so that it sideswipes into Kane's head and Cole says "MY GOD, REY JUST DID A 619 WITH A CAR!"

If No Holds Bad: Kane grabs Rey for a chokeslam but instead of slamming him down he just holds him up there with one hand like Darth Vader and says "hey, it's no holds barred, HO HO HO!" Then Rey reverses to a rana somehow and wins.

If two out of three falls: Kane wins the first falls with a BOOT (his new finisher!) then instantly drags Rey out of the ring and holds him there until the referee counts them both out and Kane wins two falls to one! Then the fans boo but Kane grabst he mic and says "Hey! Did you really want to see the two of us wrestling a full three falls anyway?" And the fans cheer!

Jericho versus Batista (referee Stole Cold, Shawn Michaels or Randy Orton.)

If Old Stone Cold: Before the match Austin grabs the mic and says "Listen up son, Hulk Hogan might have 24 inch pythons but I drank 25 beers this morning and that's all I've got to say about that!" And this is the first SUBTLE piece of set-up for the Austin/Hogan match at Wrestlemania 25! Jericho wins with his feet on the ropes then Batista says "Damn it, Steve, why didn't you see his feet on the ropes?" And Austin says "What?" Then Batista repeats the question. And Austin says "What?" And so on and so on until Jericho tries to hit them both with a shovel but they gave him a Batista Bomb into a stunner combination and drink beer to send the fans home happy and them home drunk!

If Shawn Michaels: Shawn goes to superkick Jericho but PULLS A LEG as he does and falls over holding his leg in agony! But Batista doesn't believe it's a real injury so he Batista Bombs Shawn through the announce table LEG FIRST(!) but it IS a real injury and Nitro Girl Whisper says "Oh my God, you KILLED his leg!" Then Jericho pins Batista with his feet on the ropes.

If Randy Orton: Orton grabs the mic and says "Seriously? You fans SERIOUSLY voted a heel referee for the main event match? That's retarded!" Then just walks away. So Michael Cole says "Maybe I can help out!" and pulls his shirt off and he's got a referee's shirt underneath (I'm glad, I didn't want to see his nipples!) and he refs the match. Then Jericho pins Batista with his feet on the ropes.

Undertaker versus Big Show (Knockout, Last Man Standing, I Quit.)

If Knockout: Big money offer to Floyd Mayweather to do a run in, climb up on Undertaker's shoulders, and knock out Show from there with a big left hand! But if he refuses, Taker just puts on some boxing gloves and punches out Show but then he takes the gloves off and reveals there was NO STUFFING in them (so why wear them at all!?)!

If Last Man Standing: The exact same as the above (seriously, what's the difference between knockout and last man standing anyway!?)

If I Quit: Undertakers puts Big Show in "there's that submission hold!" and nobody can remember if it's still banned or not, but Show passes out from the pain anyway and can't say he quits and Taker keeps slapping him and dumping cold water on him to get him to wake up but he won't move and Taker says "I quit at getting his ass to quit!" and Show wins since Taker said "I quit!"

HHH versus Jeff Hardy or Koslov or BIZZOTH!!

If Hardy: HHH pins Hardy with the pedigree.

If Hardy and Koslov: HHH pins Hardy with the pedigree.

If Koslov: Hardy runs in and the HHH gives him a pedigree! Koslov then says "YOU. ME. SURVIVOR SERIES!" then just walks backstage even though there was no ending to the match.

It's going to be a great show/awful show!

Well that's about all the Hot Newz I've got in my brain for this month, back soon for more, have a happy halloween and don't eat too many drugs!!!!

MVP TO START WRESTLING UNDER A MASK AS MISTER X(VP) TO GET HIS PUSH BACK, BUT THE GUY WHO MADE HIM THE MASK (SUPER CRAZY) RATS HIM OUT AND HE JOBS TO DYKSTRA? CANDICE MICHELLE'S WORKRATE SUCKS BECAUSE SHE'S TOO BUSY HAVING SEX WITH HER NEW BOYFRIEND (ME) TO IMPROVE HER WRESTLING? KIDMAN SPOTTED IN AUSTRALIA, HIDES IN A KANGAROO'S POUCH TO AVOID AUTOGRAPH HUNTERS? CHYNA ADMITS THAT SHE WAS "PROBABLY LYING" ABOUT EVERYTHING SHE'S SAID FOR THE LAST SIX YEARS? PLUS HOT PICS OF MARYSE IN FRANCE FRENCH-KISSING A MYSTERIOUS SEVEN FOOTER WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP (THE SEVEN FOOTER, NOT HER. SHE'S WEARING A PUFFY JACKET) AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

14/9/08

OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Mick Foley is a whiney little crybaby who can't handle being shouted at by Vince over his headset! After Foley told a story about Tori Amos hugging him FOR NO REASON while he was commentating, Vince shouted "DAMN IT, TALK ABOUT THE MATCH, NOT SOME HIPPY BITCH WHO'S PROBABLY A DEMOCRAT ANYWAY, VOTE MCCAIN!" and Foley started crying live on air and JR had to wipe away his tears with his cowboy hat! After the show Foley meekly marched up to Vince and said "aww, shucks Vince, could you please not yell at me? I can handle a lot of things, I can handle being thrown fifteen feet off the top of hell in the cell and threw the GIMMICKED FAKE spanish announce table which broke my fall so that it didn't even hurt at all. I can handle going on endlessly about Melina for no apparent reason to the point where my wife thinks we're having an affair so I have to dedicate four chapters of the my third and worst autobiography to explaining that we're just friends! I can handle that awful match I had with Carlito at Taboo Tuesday! I can handle Ric Flair out-working me at Summerslam even though he's twenty years older than me and mad as a Sheik! But I can't handle being yelled at! So, please, could you stop it?" And Vince thought about it for a long moment then said "NO CHANCE IN HELL, PAL! YOU'RE FIRED!" and Foley started crying against but wiped away the tears with Socko and said "Oh yeah? Well, you can't fire me, even though you already did...I quit! And don't record me saying that and play it during a match with The Rock! Bang bang!" and stormed out! Then Vince said "WHAT A BIG BABY!" and MELINA(!) came out from under his desk and said "I'm glad I didn't sleep with him!" then went back under!

Anyway, as NONE of you are aware, RAW was taped YESTERDAY this week for emotional reasons and I was in attendence with my signs and my hot opinions so here are some spoilers!

The show started with Lillian singing some song about a "star strangled bruce banner" YAWN just get on with the wrestling!

First of all the ECW music played and I cheered because let's face it if you take off your rosey tinted Bret Hart shades of nostalgia you'll see that the new ECW is MUCH betterer than the old ECW with Shane Douglas ever was! Teddy Long came out to the ring and said "Let me holler at you, playas!" like he always says because he has no imagination then said "umm, to be honest with you, there are now ECW tapings tonight, they've been changed to being before Smackdown again! I know, I know, I can't keep track of it either! But how about a special bonus match between Evan Bourne and newcomer from the talent initiative, THE MASKED PHANTOM, how about that, playas?" and about seven people cheered.

Then the Masked Phantom came out to the ring and SHOVED Teddy Long on his ass and said "Listen up JABRONI, I ain't no jobber like them other jobbers, I'm the Masked Phantom, okay, ah, heck, I'm actually TEST, ANDREW MARTIN, I'M BACK, YEAH BABY!" and Even Borne rolled him up for the pin then ran away and the Masked Phantom just stood around in the ring looking bored for two minutes then left!

Now after this LONG wait it was FINALLY time for RAW to start! It started with Mike Adamle in the ring and he said "Tonight will see Chirs Jericho versus CM Punk in a cage match and guess what? A FREE AGENT will interfere and ruin that match! And also tonight Rey Mysterio versus Kane in a pinata on a pole match!" then just walked away again.

First match was D'Lo Brown and Candace Michelle versus Santino and Beth Phoenix the Glamazon! Before the match Santina took the Honk A Meter out of his trunks and said "Haha! I am now-a only 60 weeks away-a from passing the Honkey Tonky Man's record-a! And I would also a-like to note-a that the Honky Tonk Man enjoys the GAY SEX with GAY MEN whereas I have consentual heterosxual sex with the Glamazon! So who is the better man now-a? It's a-me!" and did a crotch chop! Anyway, the match was good because D'Lo is the GREATEST worker in the WWE at the moment due to the ten years he spent in Japan working for the Great Mutanta and TAKA Michinoku's grandad BARRY Michinoku, but on the other hand the match SUDKED because it only lasted ninety six seconds (obviously they don't want D'Lo showing up the main eventers, which he would!) Santino pinned D'Lo with a roll-up after Beth flipped her hair into his eyes.

D'Lo was walking backstage muttering "can't believe I lost to Santino, I beat Kobashi and Misawa in one night,mutter mutter" when he walked right into MARK HENRY! They looked each other up and down for a full five minutes (we were all on the edge of our seat in the arena wanting to know what would happen next!) before eventually they HUGGED! And D'Lo said "how you doing, big man! Remember that time you went on that date with Chyna and I drove the car?" and Mark Henry smiled and said "Shame what happened to her. Hey, remember when you accidently caused Terri Runnels to miscarry but it turned out that she was faking? Well guess what, I actually DID get her pregnant earlier that day, so it really WAS a shoot miscarry! You killed a baby, man!" Then D'Lo looked stunned but suddenly FAAROOQ (Ron Simmons) appeared from out of a locker or something and said "Nation of Is-DAMN!"

Next up, Ted Debiase, Cody Rhodes and Manu came to the ring and said "listen up Randy Orton you big sucker! We want your respect but if we can't have your respect we want your BLOOD so how about you take us on now, three on one, with one arm tied behind your back, you loser?" Then Orton came out and said "no" and walked away again!

Next up JBL came out for his SCHEDULED match with Charlie Haas with Batista at the guest referee for some reason but he took the mic and said "listen up, son, you better not come out here dressed as anyone funny or else I ain't wrestling and in fact I might murderlise you with my limo like I did John Cena!" Then JOHN CENA'S music played and all the little kids marked out even though it was obviously just going to be Charlie Haas dressed up, but he didn't come out then it went backstage and showed Charlie Haas lying in a pool of his own blood and Cole said "WHO CHOULD HAVE DONE THIS TO CHARLIE HAAS OF ALL PEOPLE!?" and Batiasta hit the Batista bomb and counted his own pinfall and Adamle came out and said "contraguatlions, Batista, you now get the title shot at No Mercy! Looks like Charlie Haas being brutalised has worked out well for you!" and Batista nodded supsicously and ran backstage!

Backstage some cops come up to Batista and say "we want to ask you some questions about the brutalisation of Charlie Haas!" but Batista gave them all spinebusters, threw DH Smith (who shows up for every RAW in the slim chance that he might actually be booked in a match" out of his car and drove away at top speed yelling "I AIN'T GOING BACK TO NO PRISON!" Then there was a loud CAR CRASH sound effect and a woman screamed "HE'S DEAD, THE ANIMALS DEAD, THE BREAKS WERE CUT AND NOW HE'S DEAD OR IN A COMA MAYBE!"

Michael Cole was shown crying real tears at the newz and said "I just can't believe it...not Charlie Haas!"

Next up Shawn Michaels came out to the ring! And he said "You know what? I've decided that the only way to beat Chris Jericho is to ABANDON my Christian beliefs and become a lowdown atheist!" and the fans booed, of course, since atheisism is BAD! "Hey, don't hate the player, Jack!" he continued. "After all, what kind of a God would allow Jericho to win the title anyway? And you know what else, you peons? As soon as I turned atheist I also immediately started cheating on my wife Nitro Girl Whypser...WITH HER!" and pointed to the stage and JILLIAN HALL(!) came out singing "losing my religion" by REM! Then her and Shawn made out for five minutes until MARTY JANNETTY(!!!) stumbled over the barricade and shouted "PLEASE SHAWN, CONVINCE THEM TO REHIRE ME!" and threw up all over Jillian's cleavage. This was not part of the show.

Next up was FINALLY time for the long awaited Pinata on a pole match between Rey and Kane! And Kane kicked Rey's buttass all over the ring until Rey made an unconvincing comeback by reversing a chokeslam into a headscissors somehow and then he hit a 619 and climbed up to smash the pinata but it just fell down unbroken and he gave the Pinata a 619 to bust it wide open! But then HORNSWOGGLE popped out and spat GREEN MIST in Rey's eyes and Kane hit a chokeslam and said "well done, my little Hell Spawn! That's right, Finlay! That woman you knocked up? I knocked her up FIRST! HAHAHAHA!" and Hornswoggle put on an EVIL leprachaun mask and started biting Rey's crotch!

Next up was Regal versus Jamie Noble AGAIN because we never get tired of it and Layla came out looking really confused and really EMOTING all her feelings by looking surprised everytime Jamie hit a move even though he's a professional wrestler and acting all SHOCKED when Regal thrust his crotch at her even though he's a pervy old brit! Regal won with a move then said "and now, Layla, since I just won a wrestling match, you have no choice but to service me in a sexual manner like the bloody tart you are!" and Layla nodded MEEKLY until KOFI KINGSTONE ran out and saved her by hitting Regal with a move then Layla said "of course! I didn't have to choose between Regal and Noble at all! I could have just went with someone hot who actually wins matches too!" and started making out with Kofi like a tart! Then Noble took out his phone and said "I hope Nidia hasn't changed her number!"

Next up was Cryme Tyme versus the internet's own Mizz and Morrison in another wacky crossover match! The finish came when Morrison messed up a moonsault and landed on his head and the referee said "FUCK, IT'S BROKEN, HIS NECK, FUCK!" and flashed ten X signs to the back and they carried him away on a stretcher after fifteen minutes of treatment in the ring and Miz was crying and Cole said "this isn't part of the show, folks." Boring angle!

FINALLY it was time for the main event of Chris Jericho defending against CM Punk in a soild steel cage! This was actually a GREAT five star ***** match with Punk hitting lots of INDY KICKS and BACKHANDS because punches are illegal in the indies until finally Jericho just couldn't take it and slumped over, so Punk went for the door...and a man in jeans with no shirt on SLAMMED the door into Punk's face! Except he didn't slam the door, he actually PUNCHED IT with a big left hand to send it into Punk! He then got in the ring (the match just ended because the referee was so surprised!) and took the mic and I finally realised who it was.

BART GUNN!!!

"That's right, I'm Bart Gunn!" he said. "I'm sure you all remember me as 'Lefty' Bart 'The Hammer' Gunn from when I won the Brawl For All! BUt instead of becoming the biggest star in the world like I should have been, I was held down! By Vince McMahon and his cowboy friend JR who was in love with Steve Williams, the man I KILLLED to win the Brawl For All! So I was went into exisle and had to wrestle in Japana where I honed my skills against such greats as The Great Mutant and D'Lo Brown for the last ten years! But now I'm back...as the hottest free agent in wrestling!" Then MIKE ADAMLE entered the cage to big boos and said "thats' right! I was in on it all along! Right from the time I called Jeff Hardy 'Jeff Harvey' at the Royal Rumble! It was all building to this moment! It was ME who fixed the draft so that JR would go to Smackdown! It was ME who dropped the set on Vince McMahon, crushing his legs and his spirit! It was ME who ordered Bart Gunn to brutalise Charlie Haas of all people! It was ME who framed Batista for the assualt and cut the breaks on his stolen care which I knew he'd steal somehow in order to get him out of the picture! Because Bart Gunn is the left hand of justice and together we will dominate like nobody else!" Then Bart Gunn SPAT on Jericho and Punk!

Best. Angle. Ever.

Well it was a great RAW I attended and YOU can watch on tv tomorrow if you want, probalby no point now that I've spoiled it though! But now for some NEWZ!

BREAKING NEWZ: The Masked Phantom has been released. I wish him well in his feature en-beavers!

Scotty Gold Man's new gimmick will be that he paints himself gold before every match. But he'll still never actually win. Never.

Well, that was some good newz. Now for some FANTAZY BOOKING~!~! As you ALL KNOW lots of BIG WWE stars like Mick Foley and Nunzio have been released and RUMOR HAS IT that they are all going to TNA for a big-ass invastion angle! Well since TNA will ruin it by letting Russo book I decided to book the whole thing MYSELF first and do it BETTER so here is how I, Hot Newz, the sexiest man alive, would book the TNA invasion by released WWE guys angle!

On the first Impact after whichever pay per view it is tonight, MICK FOLEY comes out to the ring! And Don West says "wow, there's a surprise, a guy we teased was coming to TNA on our website has come to TNA. What a shocker, Mike!" all sarcastic and stuff!. Then Foley takes the mic and says "And now I will introduce FOUR MEN who have been released from the WWE but under my guidement will take over TNA!" and West says "WOW, FOUR MEN, THEY AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, MIKE, THEY AREN'T EVEN ON OUR ROSTER!" and clutches his chest!

Foley continues: "First, Dancing Steven Richards!" and Stevie Richards comes out dancing to a big pop.

Next he says "And now, Dancing Big Daddy MABLE!" and Big Daddy V comes out except he's in his old Mable outfit and he's dancing to a big pop!

"And now, MONEY BAGS Shannon Moore!" And Shannon Moore comes out throwing DOLLAR BILLS to the crowd!

Then they all stand in the ring(~!) and Foley says "well that about racks it up...wait a minute, I'm losing my mind! My God, I almost forgot the fourth released man! Ric Flair, get on out here!" And West falls off his chiar. But no one comes out and Tenay manages to say "to the back!" so it goes to the back and you see RIC FLAIR lying face down in a pool of BLOOD with a broken black baseball bat next to him and Tenay says "who has done this to Ric Flair, WHO!" and that's it for one week!

Then next week's show opens with VINCE RUSSO reading a prepared statement. "Hello, I am Vince Russo, the booker man of TNA. I am the man who writes this great show ever week! I have been asked to read a statement saying that TNA does NOT approve of the assualt on Ric Flair and we do NOT know who did it...but you know what? In typical Vince Russo tradition, I'm breaking with tradition!" Then he RIPS his script up and says "I know the identitiy of the person who did it! I have their identity HERE in a brown envelope and I'm going to reveal the NAME of their identity right now! That identity of their identity is..." And he opens the brown envelope "Vince Russo? But that's me! It wasn't me!" Then COP OFFICERS storm the room and say "you're coming with us!" and handcuff Russo and BEAT HIS RIBS until he spits up blood and they drag him away! Then one of the cops looks into the camera and winks and it's NUNZIO!

Later on the show they have a poll to decide the SEXIESTEST knockout and of course it's SHELLEY MARTINEZ with 99% of the vote and she comes out to the ring and stands about in her underwear as the fans go crazy until CHERRY(~!) comes out! And Cherry says "listen up, you might be sexier than me and I might be turning to lesbianism as I speak just looking at you, but can you ROLLERSKATE?" and before Salinas can answer GAIL KIM comes out and says "Hey, guess what, I was released from TNA and was going to go back to the WWE but I came back here instead so that means my loyalties...are to SHELLY!" and she attacks Cherry! But then Angelina Sky, Velvet Love and Taylor Wilde come out and Taylor said "that's right! I looked in a mirror and realised I'm blond and a beautiful person, so I joined the beautiful people!" Then Gail, Sexy Shelly the hottest woman alive and Cherry (meh) decide to put their differences aside and team up to face the Beautiful People in a six knockout UNDERWEAR match in which all TWELVE boobies pop out!

Later on the show after the Dudleyz have beaten some jobbers like Curryman and Sharkman they grab the mic and say "we love TNA and HATE interlopers!" to turn face but then when they turn around RORY AND ROBBIE the HIGHLANDERS from OBAN SCOTLAND are in the ring and they hit the Dudleyz with GLASS STEEL CHAIRS! Then Rory (the brains of the outfit) says "that's right you pukes! We have come to change the face of tag team wrestling, just like we did up north! And we don't mean in the WWE by that, we mean up in the north of Scotland! We beat all the wrestlers, all the sheep, we even beat the Loch Ness Monster and made him pay US tree fiddy Euros or whatever money they use in Scotland! And by the way, in the WWE they made us wear tights under our kilts, but here in TNA we're ALL NATURAL!" and they pull their kilts up and STICK THEIR CROTCHES right in Bubba and D'Von's faces as Don West says "IT'S A TEA-BAGGING, MIKE, A FORCED TEA-BAGGING!" and we quickly go to commercial!

Also at some point in time DOMINO comes out and says "Heyyy! I'm like the Fonz!" and the fans cheer then he says "I don't want your STINKING cheers!" to they boo. Then he says "by the way, you remember me tag partner Deuce? MORE LIKE DOUCHE!" And the fans don't know how to react and just shrug.

Finally this INSANE INVASION comes to a head when Ric Flair is found knocked out AGAIN and Mick Foley says "I'm going to get to the bottom of this, like when I was a detective and found out that RIKISHI ran over Austin and he did it for the Rock even though actually he did it for Triple H for some reason! Just like that! I have investigated and found a BROKEN BASEBALL BAT at the scene of the crime! That means the man who attacked Ric Flair's ass is STING!" Then Sting protests his innocence but Stevie Richards gives him a Stevie Kick and he falls off the rafters (he was on the rafters) and through TEN tables! But then Mick bends down and insepcts the broken baseball bat and says "hmm, wait a minute! This is actually...a guitar spray painted black?! But that means..." and then he checks on Flair but finds it's actually a WIG and pulls it off and it's JEFF JARRETT lying in the pool of blood, not Flair! And Foley says "Huh? Jeff Jarrett knocked himself out? That don't make no sense..." and then suddenly SAMOA JOE runs up and gives Foley an OLAY KICK (he's still bending over if you remember) knocking ALL his remaining teeth out! THen Jarrett gets up and RIPS OFF his face (it was a fake face!) and it's really KEVIN NASH underneath! And he says "our plan worked!" and Joe says "GRRR!" And this sets up the first ever THREE HOUR iron man match between Foley and Joe at a special pay per view where it's the only match on the show and it'll get the biggest buy rate EVER!

Well I think you can all agree that if TNA did all of that then the ratings would turn around!

Well this is the LIZZAST Hot Newz ever sicne it gets less thread views than the results of some obscure indy fed here on the W and no replies and no one ever emails or anything so what's the point and no one's reading this bit anyway so I can say what I want, SUCK IT UNCLE ERIC goodbye forever and keep on ROCKING!!!

CHRISTY HEMME ADMITS THAT SHE HATES ROCKING AND PREFERS WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY WITH HER GIRLFRIENDS? CANDACE MICHELLE'S NEW FINISHER TO BE A MESSED UP HEADSCISSORS WHICH COLE CALLS "WOW, LOOK AT THAT"? D'LO BROWN'S SEATed CLOTHESLINE NAMED '"SUDDEN IMPACT" (HE DID IT TO SANTINO IN HIS RETURN MATCH IF YOU REMEMBER) BANNED FOREVER FOR BEING FAR TOO DEADLY? BOOKER T STARES AT HIS HAND LIKE THAT BECAUSE IT'S THE HAND HE USES TO MASTURWANK? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF TORRIE WILSON FROM PLAYBOY BUT WITH KELLY KELLY'S FACE PHOTOSHOPPED ONTO THE BODY AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

29/6/08

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Vince has gone totlaly crazy! He started giving away A MILLION dollars of his own money (not Shane's or Stephanie's or Linda',s his own!) every week to get people to watch RAW! But it made no difference! Then someone said "uhh, Vince, maybe you should give the money away to viewers live on RAW?" since he'd actually just been walking around the streets of america throwing money at people saying "WATCH RAW, PAL!" So he started giving it away on RAW instead...and that sucked too! Vince is now trying to get the original cast of the muppets (Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Silent Pete) to appear on RAW next week because "everyone loves the muppets and they'll bring in the ratings, pal!"

The draft was LAST Monday! And for the first time ever it was a SHOOT DRAFT where all the results were RANDOM! That's why JR had a LEGIT heart attack when he was drafted to Smackdown and also why HHH dropped the set on Vince when he was drafted to RAW (it was Triple H all along!) Vince will now get ROBOT LEGS to replace his broken human ones and will strut around in them thrusting his still human crotch at girls and saying "once you go robot, you never go back!" But then it will be revealed that they were FAKE robot legs because he was just trying to trick people into being scared of him (you can do a lot of damage if you use robots legs to kick someone!) and the whole story will just be forgotten!

If you haven't already, then watch The Dirt Sheet on WWE.com. Miz and Morrison found the scripts to a bunch of ten year old Edge and Christian sketches and they are busy recreating them for our amusement!

JR quote of the month: "SMACKDOWN? SMACKDOWN? GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY, KING, I'D RATHER CALL MATCHES DOWN IN HELL, WHILE LUCIFER PLAYS THE FIDDLE AND TAP DANCES ON BABY GRAVES, THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE SMACKDOWN FOLKS, I HATE IT MORE THAN A TWO DOLLAR STAKE THAT'S BEEN COVERED WITH BBQ SAUCE OTHER THAN MY OWN, FUCK SHIT FUCK!"

TNA is set to present it's WORLD X-Cup where the biggest stars from Mexico (El Gran Luahadore), Japan (The Great Mutant) and England (Chester McPippinstock) will all have to lower their standards and sell for jokes like Curry Man and Shark Boy! Rumor has it that Kaz will win the X Cup but then job clean to Petey Williams two weeks later, disappear from tv for a month, get an upset win over Scott Steiner, lose to Steiner three weeks in a row afterwards, then form a meaningless tag team with, let's say, Abyss. So a big push for him then!

Ultimate Warrior has made a comeBACK in Italy against Orlando Jordan! This is of course the third Ultimate Warrior (the one who had that awful match with Goldust in WWF in 96 then appeared in a mirror that everyone in the world but Eric Bischoff could see him in) but he's still a huge star and drew a big crowd of Italians and some Swedish! However the match SUCKED A BALL because Warrior is old and too full of hatred towards liberals to be able to even run the ropes and in fact it was so bad that afterwads the Italians tried to push over the Leaing Tower Of Pizza to crush the arena (which was right next to the Leaning Tower of Pizza if I didn't mention that before!) It was also interesting that noted homophobe Warrior made his comeback against Orlando Jordan, who is a "colourful character" if you know what I mean (he's black!)

Night of Chimpions is THIS Sunday! This is the greatest night of wrestling in the year and has been since it started (last year) since ALL the titles that matter in wrestling are up (I.E. NOT the TNA titles, the japanese titles or the German and French tag team championship, a championship that can only be held by a team of one German and one Frenchman!)

HHH versus John Cena - Who will win this boring battle between the boring babyfaces Cena and HHH? Answer NO ONE CARES LOL! But if you want to know for historical reasons, HHH wins with a pedigreen on BARBED WIRE that JR slips into the ring then JR says "YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE BLEEDING OUT YOUR FACE NOW, CENA, YOU JACKASS, IF I HAVE TO ANNOUNCE SMACKDOWN, I'LL ANNOUNCE IT WITH THE GREATEST WRESLTER ON THE PLANET HHH AS CHAMPION, SUCK IT YOU JABROIN!" and does a crotch chop! But then Triple H just gives JR a pedigree as well and for the next two months on Smackdown Cena beats the shit out of JR every night in an attempt by Vince to get him to quit and if that doesn't work, Vince will start banging his wife! Anyway, HHH wins.

Edge versus Bautista - Before the match Vickie says "guess what Batista you asshole, you won't be wrestling tonight, FUNAKI will be instead!" and Edge laughs and runs at Funaki but Funaki rolls him up in a SMALL PACKAGE for the one two and the three(!) and runs laps around the ring with the belt but then Vicki says "uhh...it was non title!" and Edge spears Funaki and steals the belt back and runs backstage and gets into his car and says "driver, let's go!" but then teh driver turns around and it's CM PUNK(!) and he says "I'm cashing in my money in the bank!" and drives the car right at a wall and jumps out and the car EXPLODES in a massive fireball! Then Edge returns to Smackdown two weeks later perfectly healthy and still the champion since Punk forgot to pin him.

Kane versus Big Show versus Mark Henry - OMG the biggest match in history! The only way it could be bigger would be if Great Khali was guest referee and Big Daddy V the guest timekeeper...which they are! Anyway, Big Show chokeslams Kane right onto Mark Henry's bumpy head and has them both pinned and Khali counts "one...two...IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THE GREAT KHALI COUNTS TO THREE!" and just walks out so there's no referee but then Big Daddy V grabs the mic and says "MAY NINETEENTH!" and Kane goes NUTS and starts hitting everyone with chairs and tables and cookie sheets and I guess that's a DQ or something.

Chirs Jericho versus ???????? - And ??????? is, in fact...Eugene! He's back!!! Jericho wins in four minutes.

Matt Hardy versus Chavo Guerrero - Matt wins with a Twist of Fate and then says "you know what, screw it, this belt, this belt ain't worth poop to me!" and throws down the US belt and spits on it and says "I'm declaring myself the FIRST ECW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!" but then Teddy Long comes out and says "uhh, Matt, Kane is already the ECW champion" and Matt says "oh, right...umm...I'll keep the US belt then" and wipes the spit off it.

Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes versus Ted Debiase and ???????? - And ???????? is in fact...BRYAN DANIELSON! That's right, everyone's indy hero has SOLD OUT and as the "you sold out!" chants start Ted Debiase says "everyone has a price, AHAHAHAHA!" and Bryan Dragon totally destroys Hardcore and Cody to win the belts with his stiff indy moves like european uppercuts and elbow drops then hugs Ted Debiase for WAY too long but they're BOTH into it and outside the ring old Ted Debiase looks worried!

John Morrison and The Miz versus Finlay and Hornyswoggle - This will be a GREAT technical match and Finlay pins Miz after Hornyswoggle sprays him with a super soaker filled with MANURE JUICE!

Mickie James versus Katie Lea - The fans chant "BUTTER FACE!" at Katie until Burchill comes out and tell them to stop and Katie rolls up Mickie for the pint hen makes out with Burchill like crazy and the King shrugs and says "hey, if my sister was a hot butter face, I would too! With butter!"

And now, since I can't think of anything else to write, an ask Hot Newz special!

First questin is from I'MBRINGINGSEXYBLACK.

what happened to vader

Well, he threw the Emporer into the Death Star's reactor to restore balance to the Force then he died in his son Luke's arms. OH NOOPS LOL, YOU MEANT BIG VAG VADER THE WRESTLER! He wrestled in Japan for a while but he SUCKED because of his low american workrate. Now he's a shoot fighter with GREAT success! You see, Vader is taller and heavier than EVERY man in Japan so all he has to do is hit them on the top of their head and then sit on them to win his fights! He is undefeated and the current JSFUPC (Japan Shoot Fighting Ultimate Power Champion!) champion!

Next question is from Old Stretchy.

hey hot newz love your newz and your penis joke lol i'm not gay well i am bi to be honest can't deny it i anyway i think i had a question about ring of honor but that won't bring in the hits now will it so instead i'll ask a sensationalised question about candance michelle okay what does she mean by go daddy does she meansex by it is that what it means anyway i have to go now bye

That was even more painful than a Rey Mysterio promo! To answer your question(?), yes, Go Daddy means SEX just like Gail Kim's "happy ending" means sex and Kelly Kelly's "cookie crunch" of course means sex! It's all sex, you moron!

Thirdest question is from HBKNOTTODAY.

I went to a TNA house show and here are the results!

1) I had a terrible evening.

2) So did my girlfriend.

3) I didn't get laid.

4) I asked Booker T for his autograph but he wrote "NASTY BOY BRIAN KNOBBS" instead and ran away giggling with Kurt Angle.

5) I wanted to kill myself when I got home.

Those are the "results" of going to a TNA house show.

An interesting take on things!

Next questin is from Monty Sock.

Hey Hot Newz, just want to say that I love your column, even if it is just posted on a message board rather than a proper site since no one will hire you because you'd make all the other writers look bad in comparison to your brilliance! Anyway, that's NOT why I wrote, believe it or not! I just watched the draft on RAW and noticed that Rey Mysterio is moving to RAW. Obviously he won't be a main eventer there since RAW is the flagship show and not some joke like Smackdown and they couldn't have a small person as a main eventer, so I've come up with a booking idea for him: a feud with Brian Kendrick. Kendrick can turn heel and call himself Brian KenDICK because he acts like a dick now (do you get it?) and he gives Rey Sliced Bread Number Two onto thumtacks and says "I hope those tacks stick right into your brain!" THey could have a long six to nine month feud where they wrestle each other in various kinds of matches on television and pay per view, trading victories all the while! What do you think?

I think that might just be the GREATEST IDEA EVER...except for the fact that Kendrick has been drafted to Smackdown! DUH!

Final question is from Avril4Life(andDeath).

Do you think Avril Lavigne will ever perform live on Monday night Raw>

No.

Well that's it for this month, I'll probably be back with an even shorter update next month where I just list the top ten smelliest looking wrestlers (SPOILER: Mideon at number two!) or something equally worthless since I don't care at all about wrestling anymore, bye for nizzow!!!

WWE TO COUNTER TNA'S X DIVISION AND KNOCKOUT DIVISION BY BRINGING BACK THE JUNIOR DIVISION BUT WITH HOT FEMALE MIDGETS? ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S COMEBACK INSPIRES MARTY JANNETTY TO MAKE A COMEBACK...UNTIL HIS PAROLE OFFICER TELLS HIM HE CAN'T LEAVE THE STATE? STEPHANIE PREGNANT WITH TWINS, ONE TO BE NAMED DEUCE THE OTHER DOMINO? VINCE STILL HAS NO IDEA THAT HE WAS RICKROLLED? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF ME AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND A HOT FEMALE MIDGET AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

24/5/08

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz this week is Shawn Michaels' FOENEY knee injury! Shawn didn't want to do the JOB to Batista because he's up to his old tricks so he faked an injury in the middle of the match and said he couldn't take the Batista bomb because it would "snap his leg" but he could still kick Batista and pin him and he did that! And even Vince McMahon was disgusted and said "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD CHRISTIAN KID NOW, YOU JABRONI!" and kicked Shawn's leg right out from under his leg! Ironically enough this resulted in a REAL knee injury to Shawn and he is now in considerable pain at all times but no one believes him becaue he's the boy who cried worf and he was forced to wrestle Jericho at Judgement Day even though it could have ended his career! Serves him right for screwing Sid out of the title in 97 if you ask me!

Jeff Hardy is back from his drug suspension! Jeff has PROMISED to never do any drugs again or at least do all his drugs five minutes AFTER the test so that they'll be out of his system by the next test, which is a very good thing of him to do!

BREAKING NEWZ: William Regal is now suspended in Hardy's place! Apparently the WWE can only have one guy suspended for drugs at a time so that's why they had to wait for Jeff to come back so they could suspend Regal. This explains why he was acting so erratic as GM I suppose! It is not known at this time if Regal was mashing his drugs into his dinner and eating them, but if that was what he was doing it would make him a dinnermasher!

Michael Hayes has been suspended for racism! Hayes has used the "but black people can use the N word so whites should be able to as well!" defense to MIXED SUCCESS (not mixed race marriages, he doesn't approve of them!) backstage with Stephanie McMahon taking Hayes' side (because she's a stupid bitch) and everyone else siding with Mark Henry (because they're scared of him!)

Ultimate Warrior is making a comeback! Warrior is being trained by RVD who is teaching him how to do the same six moves sloppily in every match like RVD can do...which is DOUBLE the amount of moves Warrior USED to do be able to do sloppily! He will feud with Samoa Joe and HOPEFULLY end that fat man's title reign with his new finsiher, the Roll Of The Dice!

Jonathon Coachman has been BULLIED out of the WWE forever by Michael Cole! Coach just couldn't take the verbal abuse frome Cole on commentary anymore so left for a LAME job with ESPN or something! As a tribute to the Coach, I proudly present the top three Coach moments of all time!

3) That time he managed Garrison Cade for about a month for no reason.

2) That time he was booked to beat old Stone Cold at Taboo Sunday but the rattlesnake walked out so Coach brought in Goldust and Fat Vader for a match with Batista for some reason and Vader kept falling over!

1) I can't think of anymore.

We'll miss you, Coach!

I went to a TNA house show last week! It has been said online by many respected journalists that TNA house shows are MUCH better than there tv shows because they just let the wrestlers wrestle with NO stupid gimmicks so I was pretty optimistic going in!

Right at the start, DON WEST and Mikey Tenay came out to a big pop and a few boos and some groans and one "you can't an-nounce!" chant (from me!) Mike took the mic but then West just grabbed it off him and said "IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK IN LAS VEGAS! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, USUALLY TNA HOUSE SHOWS HAVE NOTHING BUT GREAT WRESTLING FROM START TO FINISH. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? TONIGHT WE DECIDED TO FUCK THAT SHIT AND DO SOME CRAZY GIMMICKS! THAT'S RIGHT, I JUST SWORE, FUCK IT YEAH, IT'S A HOUSE SHOW AND I CAN SAY AND DO WHATEVER I FUCKDAMN PLEASE, WHOOO!" then he pulled his shirt off(!) and dropped trou(!) and started strutting around the ring doing crotch chops! Then Mike took the mic and said "Haha, what a crazy guy! But I love him like a brother! Let me explain what's happening tonight: there will be a bunch of tag matches between regular teams and, yes, miss-matched partners! Now, the winning team in each match will go on to a steel cage battle royal later tonight! However, the two members of the losing team will have to face off against each other in a stipulation match chosen by the winning team! And oh yeah, the steel cage battle royal will be a DOUBLE ELIMINATION battle royal where you have to be thrown out over the cage TWICE to be eliminated and the winner gets a shot at Samoa Joe in an iron man match in the main event, to the back!" Then West grabbed the Mike and squeezed his balls(!) making him drop the mic and he grabbed that and said "NOT ONLY THAT MIKE YOU SEXY MAN, NOT ONY WILL THE WINNER GET A TITLE MATCH, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY OF ALL HE WILL WIN A DATE, A HOT DATE, WITH NONE OTHER THAN SO CAL VAL, MAN I'D LIKE TO HIT THAT!" Then West clutched his chest and fell on the mat like he was having a worked heart attack (he was) and VELVET LOVE and ANGELINA SKY ran out dressed as SEX NURSES and Angelina said "looks like he's going to need some ORAL PERSUASION to save his life!" and was about to kiss him when the LIGHTS WENT OFF (I started a "Will-iam Reg-al!" chant) and when they came back on MATT MORGAN was in the ring with Angelina and Velvet on each shoulder and they were wearing summer dresses now for some reason and Don and Mike were sitting at ringside all sweaty!

First match was Team 3D versus the Mortar City Machine Guns! The Dudleyz were playing face for some reason and kept shouting "we love you fans!" and the Machine Guns hit about 39 finishing moves on D-Von (stopping to point at their hands after and indeed during each one) for a one count and then Bubba just slapped Alex Shelly hard across the face and got the pin! Then Bubba said "and now you two little pick-pockets, you will face each other in the deadliest match of them all...an ARM WRESTLING match!"

So next was Alex Shelly versus Chris Sabin in an arm wrestling match and they just kept pointing at their hands rather than lock up so I started a "we want arm wrestling!" chant and finally they went at it and Sabin won in three seconds and they hugged afterwards but can they ever be the same again!?

Second tag match was Stone Cold Steve Shark Boy and Jay Lethal versus Sonjay Dutt and Freddie Kazarian! Before the match Lethal said to Sonjay "hey man, we cool? We cool man? Yeah man, we cool!" and they hugged but during the match Sonjay went for an anansi moonsault to the floor on Lethal but he missed and landed on So Cal Val (who was at ringside!) in the 69 position! Then Don West pulled him off and said "NOT UNTIL YOU WIN THIS TOURNAMENT, MANDAWG!" and Shark Boy hit da shrimper or whatever gay name he calls the stunner on Freddie for the win! Lethal was so angry about the 69 that he said "right now, Sonjay and Freddie, you got to wrestle each other...in a DEATH match, where the winner is the first not to die!"

So next was Sonjay versus Kaz in a death match where the winner is the first not to die and Kaz was going to play dead to give Sonjay the win so no one would have to die but Sonjay pulled out an AXE and smiled like a maniac to show his darkside but then Kaz just rolled him up for the pin anyway and ran away and Don West said "WE FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YOU CAN ALSO WIN A DEATH MATCH BE PINFALL, MIKE." Match of the night so far.

Next was BJ James and Awesome Kong (wow, continuity from Sacrifice!) versus AJ Styles and Tomko! And before the match BJ said "well let's face it, I'm fat, I'm old, I've only got three moves, my best days were in 1998 and I sucked then too! The only was we can possibly win is if my, hehe, beautiful partner Awesome Kong wrestles the whole match because she might be a woman, but she's better than me!" And Kong DID wrestle the whole match and WON with an awesome bomb on Styles after a mysterious masked man holding a brown paper bag appeared at the top of the stage and Tomko ran after him! Then Kong took the mic and said (wait a minute, she can't speak! They totally broke kayfabe again on this show!) "you really think me beautiful, BJ? Then how about AJ and Tomko fighting in a...KISS MATCH!" Then she kissed BJ and he got hard!

So next was AJ versus Tomko in a KISS match where you win by kissing your opponent (obviously!) and AJ went for the kiss early but Tomko kicked him in the face then he went for the kiss but AJ ducked and Tomko kissed some girl in the crowd (eww, cooties!) and then AJ went for a SPRINGBOARD KISS but Tomko pulled out the brown paper bag and hit AJ with it in MID AIR knocking him out then Tomko kissed the unconsicous AJ (for way too long!) and won the match! Then Tomko opened up the brown bag and inside was KAREN ANGLE'S HIGH HEEL SHOE what could this mean!?

Another tag match (boy I wasn't getting sick of those or nothing!) next with miss-matched partners Kip Jammes and Kevin Nash versus the Rock and Rave Infusion! Right at the start Nash said "LOOK the only reason I'm here is a contractual obligation, you think I'm going to wrestle in front of two hundred people in Buttfuck, Florida, of course not, you're lucky I even wore clothes today, you're on your own Mister Ass! Oh, and if I had wrestled, I wouldn't have turned on you, I would have turned you ON, you homo!" and just walked away! So Kip had to win it on his own...and did with a pedigree on Rave! Then he said "that's right, I'm the real Triple H and that stands for one Happy Healthy Homosexual! That's right, I'm coming out right now so let's get this party started!" and he made out with Jeremy Borash and the crowd cheered his bravery. Then Kipp said "and now you two can fight each other in a tolerance match!"

So next was Hoyt versus Rave in a tolerance match and Hoyt asked the referee what that was and the ref just shrugged and Rave rolled up a confused Hoyt for the pin! Then Hoyt said "hey, I'm not tolerant of that!" and was about to turn on him when Christy Hemme (WHO IS HOT) ran out with Guitar Hero guitars and the music came on and all three danced in the ring like Rikishi and Too Cool only lamer playing the toy guitars! Then Christy did the splits.

Next up was the team of BEST FRIENDS Rhino and Christian Cage (remember when everyone thought he should be a main eventer in WWE? LOL!) taking on LAX and YES Airiel is the hottest woman in wrestling bar NONE, thanks for asking, and she shook herself at me and some of her sweat flew off her breasts and landed on me! Anyway even though LAX are the NEW tag champions and the kings of DEUCES WILD then still lost clean when Rhina GORED Homicide (who is only about four foot tall in peson) righ out of his boots! Then Christian said "well seeing as you two like to rerference Eddie Guerrero so much, how about you fight right now in an EDDIE GUERRERO REFERENCE match!

So next was Homicide versus Hermandez in an Eddie Guerrero reference match and Homicide went for the triple verticals and the froglash but Hermandez stole a chain from Homicide and hit him with it then told the refereree he didn't do it and got the pin. You see, he lied, he cheated and he stole! Then Hector Guerrero said "hehe, that was great. And you know what else? I was sleeping with Vickie all along too!" And there was just an awkward silence.

Final tag match was Booker T and Black Rain (OMG Booker and Goldust reunited and it feels so good!) against Scott Steiner and little Petey Pee-Pee! THis one went all of four intense minutes before Rellick (that's Kciller spelt backwards!) ran out and tried to hit Pete with a brick but Petey ducked and the brick hit Raindust. The brick then shattered into DUST because it was a FAKE brick and Rellick was going to double cross Black Rain by hitting Petey (it wouldn't have hurt him and would have given Petey the power of SURPRISE!) with it but it hit Black Rain instead but the dust got in his eyes and Steiner rolled him up for the pin! Then Steiner said "man that finish was so confusing that I need to have a nap now! Petey, book the match!" and Petey shrugged and said "umm, how about...a Rellick on a poll match?"

So next was Booker T versus Black Rain in a Rellick on a poll match but they didn't have a poll so Rellick had to stand on the turnbuckle and he fell off every time someone hit the ropes! The match ended when Booker just said "man, I used to be in the WWE, I don't need this shit" and walked out, leaving Black Rain looking confused. Then Rellick fell off the turnbuckle again as a distraction.

Next was a six Divas OH SORRY I MEAN KNOCKOUT tag match with Gail Kim, ODB (who smells real bad in person, talk about dedication to character!) and Baldie Roxxi versu Amazing Kong, Angelina Sky and Velvet Love! A lot of fans started a "you're still sexy!" chant at Roxxi so I started a "no she is-n't!" chant in response. Also Angelina Sky is really hot and high workrate in person so I started a "next Trish Stratu-us" chant at her and she smiled and wiggled her ass. Anyway this was of course the best match of the night and Gail Kim did a spinning armbar and everything and in the end Roxxi pinned one of the sluts with pedigree (hmm) then started crying and I shouted "she's so emo she probably cut her own hair!" and Gail Kim laughed!

Next up KURT ANGLE made an unexpected trip to the ring by walking to the ring and he said "listen up you jackclowns! Just because my neck is broken into two freaking pieces, doesn't mean I can't come out here and entertain you all by talking about my wife Karen and our sex life! And by that I mean our LACK of a sex life, considering she's sleeping in a different bed to me! In a different building! I have to stay up all night watching my matches on YouTube to feel any kind of sexual pleasure! Don't laugh! But now I've found love in a different place and a different kind of way! No Borash, don't get excited, it's not the kind of way you and Mister Sulu have found love! I have a NEW girlfriend who is a hundred times better at the sexual arts than Karen and I have her name, her identity, all her details in this BROWN ENVELOPE!" And he pulled out a brown envelope(!) and said "The name of her identity IS..." but before he could say anything JEFF JARRETT (oh God no) rolled out from under the ring and smashed a guitar into a million pieces literally over Kurt's head and ripped up the envelope and said "You're not going to reveal the name of her identity, Kurt, I'm not going to to let that happen, slapnuts! Uhh, Kurt?" But Angle wasn't moving! "Kurt? OH NO! SOMEONE GET A DOCTOR! This guitar...it was supposed to be a fake guitar...but someone swapped it for a REAL guitar! It was a real guitar! A REAL GUITAR!" and he craddled Kurt in his arms! And Borash filmed all this so look for it to air on tv soon it was quite a hot angle!

FINALLY it was time for the double elimination cage battle royal to determine who faces Samoa Joe in an IRON MAN match as the main event! And because this is TNA and they are INNOVATORS it was a special cage with EXTRA BARS to make it more dangerous...so many bars that we couldn't even seen what was going on inside! Now that's innovation! So I decided to go and get some SNACK TREATS instead of watching the match and also to load up on food before the one hour iron man main event! Anyway by the time I got back Christian and Scott Steiner were the only ones left in the cage and Steiner picked up Christian and pressed him above his head then somehow threw Christian from the ring RIGHT OVER the top of the cage in an amazing feat of strength and Christian went through four tables on the way down! Then the cage raised up and Steiner said "Samoa Joe, you faaaaat ass, bring your faaaaat ass out here so I can kick your faaaaat ass, you half-breed half-human!"

So now it was the MAIN EVENT an iron man match between Steiner and Joe and Borash said "and now for our main event which, due to time constraints, will now be a TEN MINUTE iron man match!" I felt so ripped off that I started a "I feel so ripped-off!" chant! Anyway maybe it was for the best since Steiner got blown up after two minutes (well it was his third match of the night, GIVE HIM A BREAK) and had to go outside the ring for a break (they gave him a break!) and so Petey could sponge his muscles but he stayed out the ring for too long and was counted out! Then for the next seven gruelling minutes Scott tried to even it up with suplex after suplex after botched suplex until Borash said "time up, Joe wins!" Then Joe danced in the ring with his Samoan dancers but it was nowhere near as good as when the Rick and Rave and Christy guys danced LET ALONE Too Cool and Rikishi so I left in disgust before he'd even finished dancing and later some girl who I met at the show (and YES she was hot) called and said that after I left Sting came down from the rafters and "Let's Dance!" by David Bowie played and he joined in but frankly I think she made that up in an attempt to impress me (when really she should have just sent me some naughty pics on her camera phone to impress me)!

It was the best TNA house show I've ever been to!

Now for my special Hot Newz Rantloaded Rant for Judgemeant Day! Rantloaded is a NEW CONCEPT I have divised where I will review what DID happen and then reviews that SHOULD OF hizzappened! It will change the face of internet reviewing!

Before I start properly I want to compliment the WWE on the obvious Super Mario Galaxy inspired set and graphics they used for this ppv! However the song they used SUCKED and they should of used the Super Mario Galaxy theme instead!

John Cena versus JBL

What happened: ZZZZ! JBL just hit Cena with kicks and forearms for like half an hour and even a full nelson (a rib on Chris Masters, obviously)! Cena might be a good seller but that's only because he's a whining, emo punkass biatch! He eventually hit the FU for the win and that was the ONLY move the entire match! **1/2

What should have happened: JBL should've of grabbed the mic and say "Listen up Marine, we could have a boring half hour wrestling match, or you could be a man and take me on in a STREET FIGHT!" and then they have a WILD STREE FIGHT including hitting each other in the head with stuff and blood and FINLAY running in and finally getting revenge on JBL by swinging Hornswoggle right into his balls! And then Cena hits a FU right through the top of the limo (limo's have thin roofs!) but when he opens the door to go inside and pin him CHARLIE HASS jumps out and gives him a COP KILLA on the conrete and JBL gets the pin! This would start a hot new feud between Cena and the UNDERRATED workrate machine Haas where Cena finally learns to be a good worker! ****1/2

Miz and Morrison versus CM Punk and Kane

What happened: This was an OKAY match since Miz and Morrison are the new Edge and Christian and they aired the DIRT SHEET~!~!~!~! before the match which added a full star! Miz and Morrison did lots of cool double teams to really innovate the scene (I can't remember what they were though) and Punk was really CRISP and PRECISE and Kane sucked but at least he did a seated dropkick to throw a bone to the workrate crowd (me). Morrison pinned Punk CLEAN with a variation of the Roll The Dice (obviously) since Punk is in the dog house for sleeping with all the Divas (he is currently dating Maryse but two-timing her with Layla!) and not drinking enough beer (or any)! ***

What should have happened: Kane should have worked the entire match with Miz and Morrison DESTROYING the old fossil with thier 21st century Brisco-brother style technical double teams until FINALLY he makes a fluke tag to Punk...who instantly hits Kane over the head with the Money In the Bank briefcase, shattering it into literally PIECES then saying "listen up you big fried freak! I'm cashing in my shot at you RIGHT NOW, you Red Robot!" then just pins Kane right away and is the new ECW champion! Then Punk hugs and dances with Miz and Morrison and says "that's right! We're the new hotness because we're straight edge and we're sexier than you and we're taking over because we are GENERATION DIRT!" then they all do the Generation Dirt hand signal! ****1/2

Shawn Michaels versus Chris Jericho

What happened: This was a GOOD MATCH but too SLOW PACED as usual in the WWE and if it had taken place in ROH it would have kicked more ass! Also no one turned which was annoying because they have been building this story up like someone is going to turn heel and the fans have been JONESING for a heel turn but instead they got nothing, like sex without an orgasm you could say! Shawn won with a small package! ****

What should have happened: They would have wrestled TWICE AS FAST with twices as many moves until TRISH STRATUS (recently signed to a new contract by ME) walks to the ring and JR says "GOOD TO SEE TRISH STRATUS BACK IN THE WWE WHERE SHE BELONGS, KING, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, KIND, TONED YOUNG WOMAN!" Then Trish gets in the ring and TURNS on Shawn by chick kicking his leg right out from under his leg! And JR says "DAMN IT TO HELL, WHAT A JEZASLUT, WHAT A WHOREBELL, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HUSSY DID SUCH A THING, TAKE HER TO THE WOODSHED SHAWN, TAKE HER OUT BACK AND HIT HER WITH SOME WOOD, HARD!" Then Jericho and Trish MAKE OUT because they have finally both turned heel at the same time and got together after years of courting and Miz, Morrison and Punk run into the ring and help them throw Shawn through a table then they all hug and do the Generation Dirt hand signal! ****1/2

Mickie James versus Melina versus BETH PHOENIX, THE GLAMAZON

What happened: They had a good match, ENTIRELY carried by the Glamazon (at one point she LITERALLY carried the other two on her shoulders)! However it still wasn't as good as even the worst Astonishing Kong match and the WWE Diva division will NEVER beat the Knockout division until they have the guts to hire UGLY women who can wrestle again like they used to (Molly Holly, DX Tori)! Mickie won with a fake looking DDT.***

What should ahve happened: The match should have been TWICE as long and the Glamazon should have won with a double brainbustaaa~!~!~! because she is the perfect combination of workrate and being hot enough to masturwank over!****1/2

Undertaker versus Edge for the vacant World title!

What happened: This was a good match thanks to Edge who was trained in the dungeon by Stu and Helen like all Canadian wrestlers, but the finish (Taker won by countout) SUCKED and was an insult to my intelligence and even the intelligence of those with AVERAGE intelligence!***

What should have happened: They should have had the same match but faster and with more moves (this applies to every match on the show, really) and when Taker hits a chokeslam VICKIE GUERRERO comes shooting down the ramp on her wheelchair but is going too fast and crashed right into the side of the ring like Mankind did when he rode a stretcher down the ramp in 98 if you were born then! Foley could mention this on commentary since it would be another chance to put himself over. Then Taker goes for "there's that submission hold!" but remembers he can't do it at the last moment and this has left him in perfect position for Edge to lock on the SHARPSHOOTER like a good Canadian! Vickie is supposed to say "RING THE BELL!" but she's still unconscious or possibly on a COMMA so instead Edge just keeps it on for TEN MINUTES until Taker passes out from the pain! Then Edge grabs the belt and grabs Vickie who is still out and says "come on, let's celebrate like we ALWAYS do!" and Hawkings and Ryder say "but she's out cold!" and Edge raises an eyebrow at them and they say "OOOH, now we get it!" and smile evily and all carry Vickie backstage!****1/2

Jeff Hardy versus MVP

What happened: This was a surprisingly good bonus match because at least Jeff didn't stop during the middle of the match to take drugs or anything! I also noticed that Hardy gave his hanky to a fan at ringisde before the match and I wonder if that was a signal to that fan to come backstage and have sex with him afterwards? I didn't see if it was a male or female but I suppose that doesn't matter to the Enigmatic Charisma! Jeff won with the whisper in the wind that didn't actually touch MVP at all but MVP had to stay down because he's best friends with Michael Hayes and being punished!***

What should have happened: This match never should have happened at all! Instead they should have put on the ADVERTISED bonus of Big Show versus Mark Henry because a LOT of people probably ordered this show to see that battle of the giants and were disappointed when it didn't happen! And Big Show should have won SPINNING chokeslam then afterwards you see MICHAEL HAYES watched the replay of Show chokeslamming Henry again and again and again on a monitor for five minutes and laughing and laughing but then teh camera pans up and you see Mark Henry standing behind Hayes cracking his kunckles and his nipples and Hayes GULPS in fear and somehow Ron Simmons appears on the monitor and says "HAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, DAMN!"****1/2

HHH versus Randy Orton

What happened: ZZZZZZZ! We start with a snoozer and we END with a snoozer! This was like every other HHH match since his debut in 1992 at TERROR LEVEL RISING and he hit all the same moves he's been doing for the last twenty years and poor Orton was BURIED like he was no better than Booker T! Extra * for the blood though!*

What should have happened: DUH! RKO off the top of the cage, CLEAN win, HHH retires, Orton turns FACE and declares war on Generation Dirt and mocks their hand signal!

THUMBS MILDLY IN THE MIDDLE DROOPING DOWN for the show, TWELVE THUMBS FULLY ERECT AND UP for my version!

And now for this month's interview with Hulk Hogan! Hogan, or The Huckster as he likes to be known, has gone through some hard times lately with his son Nick being sent to COUNTY JAIL (he's lucky Big Bossman isn't still alive and still a prison guard!), his wife leaving him and The Ultimate Warrior having more of a future in the wrestling business than him! But on the bright side he is rumored to be dating a HOT YOUNG STAR who is friends with his average looking daughter and he's still got American Gladiators until it gets cancelled so let's catch up with him!

Me: Hello, is this the Hulkster?

Hogan: That's correct, brother.

Me: It really is, you said "brother" and everything!

Hogan: How are things, dude?

Me: Things are GREAT for me but they suck for you, brother! How does it feel having a son in county jail?

Hogan: Listen, Nasty Nick will do his time, dude, and then the Lord will set him a new path to walk. Now that's all I have to say on the subject. Let's talk about American Gladiators, brother.

Me: Let's not, it sucks! How do you cope with life now that it has turned on you?

Hogan: I still say my prayers, eat my vitamins and believe in my self like always, brother!

Me: Well religion isn't cool in the 21st century and they have a wellness policy testing against vitamins, brother! So tell me about your HOT young blond girlfriend...

Hogan: I'm not going to tell you about her, brother...

Me: I heard a rumor that she is Hayden Panettiere from Heroes!

Hogan: That's not true, brother, but that Hayden Paintedover girl does have a tidy little ass, dude. If the Showster wanted, he could hit that.

Me: Laugh out loud, you really are still down with the kids! You...hey, wait a minute...the Showster!? This isn't Hogan at all! This is Big Show doing Hogan's voice!

Big Show: Okay, okay, you caught me out!

Me: You big stinky nasty giant, how dare you deceive me!

Big Show: Just having a little joke! LIKE YOUR PENIS! I'm house sitting for Hulk while he films Gladiators.

Me: Don't you mean you're HIDING in his house from FLYOD MAYWEATHER, you yellow-bellied coward?

Big Show: Hey! I gave him a sideslam and a few chops!

Me: It should have been a SHOOT match like your sumo WAR against Akebono!

Big Show: Uhh, what?

Me: You know, that time you...hey, wait a minute, you're not Big Show at all, you really are Hogan!

Hogan: Haha, you caught me out again, brother! I was just having a laugh!

Me: How dare you again! Have you lost your mind now that your family's deserted you or been locked up?

Hogan: My mind is more mighty than ever, brother. And soon I'll open up my own wrestling company with Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs, Brutus the Nasty Beefcake and John Tenta, brother!

Me: Tenta's dead!

Hogan: DEAD excited about being a part of my wrestling company, chap!

Me: No, just dead...hang on, "chap"? Hogan would never say a queer Brit word like that! You're reall...

William Regal: Okay, you caught me out. Good show old boy! Pip pip!

Me: Regal! But what are you doing in Hogan's house!?

Regal: I broke in to raid the medicine cabinet!

Me: You scallywag!

Regal: I've eaten all his fish and chips too!

Me: Hogan has fish and chips!?

Regal: Bloody good stuff, too! Now hang up before the police trace the call!

Me: Why did you answer the phone in the first place?

Regal: Too many questions! Bugger off!

Me: Hey, wait a minute, you're not Regal at all, you're...TAZZ!

Regal: No, it really is Regal.

Me: Oh.

PHONECALL ENDS

What a confusing and disappointing phonecall!

Well I'll be back in Jizzune with more Hot Newz or maybe Jizzuly who knows but it'll definitely be a month with "jizz" in it, well every month has jizz in it when I'm involved if you know what I mean, see you soon!

CENA LAUNCHES BASELESS ATTACK ON THE ROCK, INTERVIEWER TELLS HIM TO SHUT UP? COUSIN SAL SIGNS THREE YEAR CONTRACT? FESTUS TO START WEARING A DRESS TO THE RING AND RIPPING IT OFF WHEN THE BELL RINGS, COMPLETELY NAKED UNDERNEATH? KURT ANGLE CHALLENGES AURORA ROSE TO SHOOT FIGHT? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LITA AND TRISH MEETING UP AT A STARBUCKS AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!