Sunday, 18 October 2009


OMFG! I am back with more hot Newz! And yes I know I said I was LEAVING FOREVER but that was just a SWERVE designed to find out who my real freindz are and now I know (the 3 people who emailed me, though two were just offering viagra for some reason!) so I'm back with more Hot Newz! The big newz this week as it is EVERY year at this time is that Cyborg Sunday is THIS Sunday! And Cyborg Sunday has always been my favoritest WWE ppv of the year going ALL the way back in the depths of time to 2004 when it was named To-BOO Tuesday and took place on a Tuesday! This is beasue it is the only show which is interactive and lets the fans vote on which matches will take place and the REALLY good newz this year is that Vince has finally taken my advice and started CHARGING for votes! This might seem like a horrible rip-off designed to pay for a new private jet soley for Triple H and Stephanie's kids to fly on, but in fact it's a BRILLIANT move and stops the dumb marks from voting (since dumb makrs are all poor!) and means only real hardcore money-bags fans like me and ZRC and Scott Keith can afford to vote and change the face of wrestling! I'm going to use my ad revenues to vote a FIFTY times for Vladamir Koslov to face HHH one on one to teach the Hardy fangrrlz and Jeff himself a lesson: start hitting the whipser in the wind better!

But the REALEST big newz is that the WWE has brizzought in a new character named Kizarny and I don't have to tizzell you where he STIZZOLE his speech pizzatterns from! WWE can claim he's talking "carny" but we all know that he's really talking NEWZY! If WWE wants to portray him accurately he should be chased around by hot chicks at all times and his finisher should be a 360 spinning top rope piledriver (like Zangief from Street Fighter and me when I used to backyard!) He should also cut promos before, after and DURING his matches to get his hip lingo over with the kidz (though I've already laid the grizzountwork!)

Lance Cade has been released! Cade (real name Garrison Storm) was fired according to JR due to an "error of judgement" after he had a seizure on a plane! What JR means by this that if Cade had done the right thing and had his seizure in a toilet stall where no one could see him or even in the privacy of his own home, like all other wrestlers do, then he'd still have a job! Stupid Cade don't know the seizure protocol! Cade will team up with his old friend (with benefits!) Trevor Murdoch in TNA as "Red and Neck" (Garrison Red and Terrence Neck!) where they will lose clean to Abyss in a handicap match in their debut, not appear on the next two Impacts, beat the Motorshitty Machine Guns when they keep pointing at their hands instead of wrestling, lose to every other tag team in a "tag team tsunami" match on ppv (rules coming soon!), split up on the next Impact, never wrestle each other once but lose to Rhyno on alternating weeks for the next six weeks, then finally team again with no explanation to lose to new tag team of Consequences Creed and Jeremy Borash! I can't wait!

The feud between Cryme Tyme and Miz and Morrison is NOT a shoot and actually the same guy scripts both The Dirt Sheet and The Rap Sheet and that guy is FREDDIE PRINZE JUNIOR to justify his massive pay check and the fact that he keeps walking around backstage suggesting to all the wrestlers than they should "talk in a deeper voice" and thaat's his only idea and when they get angry he says "hey, I know Scrappy Doo!"

To get people to vote for Koslov at Cyborg Sunday, on Smackdown this week HHH will be in Vickie's office and he'll say "Listen up, if you respect me, vote for Koslov! If you can remember when I was in DX and used to be cool and you liked that, then vote for Koslov! I REALLY WANT YOU TO, RRRRARGH!" Then he starts smashing up one wall of Vickie's office with a sledgehammer! Then Vickie comes in and says "hey, what are you doing to that wall? And why just that one, why ignore the other three walls?" And Hunter says "Isn't it obvious, Vickie? I'm breaking the fourth wall!"

Vince McMahon has MCBANNED (banned) the use of the term "WWE Superstar"! He will declare that from now they must be called "WWE Warriors" but the Ultimate Warrior files a lawsuit so Vince decides they must be called "WWE Gladiators" until Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe file a lawsuit! But then Crowe appears at a RAW show promoting his new movie BIBLE: THE MOVIE (a movie of the bible!) and gets into a fight with William Regal backstage so they call it even.

I got comped to an Impact taping last night! Well, I wasn't going to pay and I promised I'd make a lot of noise so that it sounds like there was a lot of people there on tv (it was really just me, four TNA marks, Jeremy Borash's hot wife and their eight kids and Disco Inferno and the Disco Duck (remember that?) in the crowd!) However I didn't make a sound the whole night except for TUTTING LOUDLY whenever they made a boneheaded booking choice (so 385 times in all, then!)

First up BIG LUMPY Kevin Nash came to the ring to a mixed response (a mixture of silence and the four marks booing.) He took the mic and said "OH YOU MAY BOO but you still paid to see me, whoo! You dumb dumbos are dumb, but you know who's even dumber? TNA management! They pay me a huge six figure income to wrestle like six five minute matches a year! Even though I'm fifteen years past my prime! Even though I make no difference to television ratings or pay per view buyrates! Even though I'm so lazy I won't even do a knee-lift in the corner now because lifting my leg tires me out! Even though my interviews are long and rambling and make obscure references to Scott Hall all the time, chico! They still pay me and you still have to watch me! And Samoa Joe, tonight, in our match, I'm just going to walk out backstage before and you'll have to wrestle Tomko again and nobody will care! And Mikey Tenay, I've been sleeping with your wife the last three years!" Then Tenay stood up and said "Oh yeah? Well joke's on her, I've been cheating on her with hookers for the last ten years!" and did a crotch chop!

Next up it was time for a "Who's the sexiest knockout" contest judged by Mick Foley! And Velvet Love, Angelina Sky, Taylor Wilde, Christy Hemme and SoCal Val (of course) were all in the contest! Then Foley came out stopping to charge fans for autographs as he did and said "Hey, I know I said I'd quit last week, but it's not like this is the first time I've gone back on a retirement promise! And anyway, I just could not resist judging this who's the sexiest knockout tournament, even though Melina isn't involved! That, and Jeff Jarrett's paying me obscene amounts of money! Bang bang! Anygay, since everyone knows I love big juicy asses, that makes it obvious that I'm just going to pick SoCal Val as the winner, but let's just make it official, the WINNER of this contest is..." Then he just stopped and looked around for a minute and I heard Don West saying "uhh, isn't Kong's music supposed to be playing?" and then finally about two minutes later Awesome Kong's music played and Foley said "how dare you interupt me!" But Kong's arab friend said "how dare you american pig have this match without including the biggest sexiest blackest sistah of them all...the Astonishing Kong!" Then Foley said "listen up toots, this is AMERICA and in AMERICA we have AMERICAN FREEDOM and the freedom not to include fatties in sexist knockout competitions, bang bang!" But then Saaed said "oh yeah? Let's see what MY HUSBAND says about that!" and Foley said "who's your husband, Pete Gas?" in a vague, dated WWF reference no one got but me (since I'm awesome) but Saeed said "no, HIM!" and SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR of all people stabbed Foley in the eye with a spike! Then the Guru Sonjay Dutt ran out and joined Bashir, Kong and Saaed in beating down Foley and Don West said "OH I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, I SEE THE ONE THING THESE FOUR PEOPLE ALL HAVE IN COMMON...THEY'RE ALL JERKS!" Then Bashir told Sonjay to force SoCal Val to wear a veil over her big ass.

Next up was Cute Kipp (who is quite cute in person I must admit) against Rhyno and Rhyno won in 17 seconds with da gore then said "I want some REAL competition,baby!" but then turned around and HIGHLANDER ROBBIE hit him with a bagpipe bag! But then he opened the bag up and there were DOORKNOBS inside and he said "Aye, that's right, I'm sure real competition FER YA, straight from the mean streets of Scotland...GROUNDSKEEPER ROBBIE and they call me that because I KEEP my opponents on the GROUND!"

Next up was Abyss versus Christian Cage for some reason! But before the match Christian took the mic and said "YAWN! You know how that great man Santino on the entertaining show named RAW has the Honk A Meter? Well, I have the Contract Run Out O Meter! And that's the meter which tells me how much longer I'm going to have to work in this DUMP before I can finally leave and go back to the WWE where I'll make money and people actually watch! Only three months to go, losers! Come on, Abyss, you big tardnose, I'll just lie down and let you pin me..." And he lay down and Abyss LICKED HIS LIPS at the prospect of an easy pin but when he leaned over Christian SHOCKINGLYLY rolled him up in a small package for the win (though Abyss's right shoulder wasn't down for the three count and the referee stopped counting and looked confused but acted like he's counted three anyway) then Christian said "I TRICKED YOU ALL!" and ran away.

Backstage, Booker T was looking through a trash can and Sharmell said "what you lookin' for?" and Booker said (in an australian accent for some reason) "I'm lookin' for something my brother threw away...hey, GET THAT CAMERA OFF, THIS BE SECRET, MATE!" and gave the camera a superkick! Then you could hear Jeff Jarrett say "damn it, Booker, those things are expensive, it was supposed to be a WORKED KICK!" so that's probably some new angle or something.

Next up, KURT THE MANDAWG ANGLE came out to the ring and said "listen up you punks, I WANT SOME FREAKING RESPECT AROUND MY ASS! Jeff Jarrett, your ass can send your TEN BEST out here and I'll just totally bury them with Angle Slams and shit, jabroni!" Then Jarrett came out and waved for his TEN BEST to run out and first was Shark Boy who got an Angle Slam, Curry Man got the same, Super Eric no sold an angle slam(!) but then held his chest and faked a heart attack and rolled out the ring (no one knew why), then Angle Slams for Jay Lethal, Machine Guns, Lance Hyot but then GAIL KIM (she's back!) ran out and when Angle tried to Angle Slam her she reversed it to a rana and gave him a spinning DDT! Then Jeff Jarrett came down to the ring and said "Gail, you're the MAN tonight!" but Kim spat GREEN MIST in his eyes(!!!) then Kurt hit Jarrett with his OWN GUITAR (the ultimate insult) and said "ha, our plan worked, come on, let's go have sex!" and Gail started wiping the green mist off her mouth but Kurt said "No, LEAVE IT IN!"

Next was Booker T versus the seven foot jobber Matt Morgan with Jim Cornette now managing him holding a tennis racket for no reason and Morgan dominated the match and when Sharmell tried to interfere Cornette SMACKED her ass with his tennis racket! But while the perverted referee (you know the one!) was distracted looking at the bruises on Sharmell's ass, Booker reached into his tights and pulled out a SLAPJACK and hit Morgan with it and left him out like a light for the one two three (but it could have been fifty after that slapjack shot, let me tell you!) Then Booker looked up at the heavens, pounded his first against his heart and said "thank you, Stevie Ray!" in a loving tribute to his brother.

Next up Beer Money Incorporated (seriously, that's their name. Seriously) defended the tag titles against Team 3D in a heel versus heel match (yawn) but to make it more exciting HERMANDEZ ran in and destroyed everyone with moves then said "Homicide! I'm shooting now! You might want to let your contract run out like a Christian Cage and go to Ring Of Honor...or should I say Ring of HORROR and beat people with unconvincing lariates - seriously, man, your arms is short and skinny, why the hell do you use a lariat as a finisher - but I'm TNA for life! But then Cornette came out and said "Hermandez, for ruining this great match...YOU'RE FIRED!" And Hermandez broke down crying and did a slow, silent walk to the back while Don West and Tenay stood up holding their hats down at their groins in respect as is tradition and Tenay said "Good bye, Hermandez, and thank you for the memories. God bless."

Backstage Jeff Jarett was wiping green mist out his eyes and Hermandez said "hey, can you sign this for me? I'm a big fan. I loved your "don't piss me off!" gimmick!" and Jeff said "sure, kid!" and signed it then Hermandez held it up and it was a NEW CONTRACT!!

Next up was the big match between Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash except of course Nash didn't show up, it was just Tomko in a Kevin Nash shirt and wearing a backwards baseball cap for some reason. And Joe took the mic and said "DAMN DOG IT! Tomko, what the hell are you doing out here, doing big Kev's big bidding? Don't you have a mind of your own? You're a young guy with cool tattoos, just like me! You should join me! Join me and together we could send those old guys to the old folk's home to DIE where they belong the oldies! JOIN THE REVOLUTION AND IT WILL BE TELEVISED ON TNA TELEVISION!" And Tomko started crying with emotion at this stirring speech and said "YES! I WILL JOIN YOU! DEATH TO OLD PEOPLE!" But then Joe kicked Tomko in the nuts(!) and kicked him on the face and spat on his neck and pulled out a CHEESE GRATER and started grating Tomko's forehead until he grated out GRATED BLOOD! Then Joe said "yeah bitchboy, that's what you get, thinking you can join MY revolution, team with me, I'm a loan wolf, a sole assassin, a man of passion, and I don't need your stinking help!" Then Tomko's WIFE (who, surprisingly wasn't hot in the slightest) ran in and kneeled over Tomko and said "I THINK HIS CAREER IS OVER!" Then everyone just shrugged and walked away.

Next it was finally time for our LONG AWAITED non-title match between Sting and AJ Styles! Even though it's the ppv main event! They had a THIRTY MINUTE great match until finally AJ pinned Sting with the Styles Clash! Then Sting said "very good, young man! And since you pinned me here, at the pay per view, whatever it's called, for you to win you'll have to pin me THREE TIMES but for ME to win, I'll only have to pin you once!" Then Don West said "YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, MIKE, THERE'S NEVER BEEN A MATCH LIKE THAT BEFORE!" and Tenay said "Yeah, because it's the gayest idea ever!" and threw down his headset and walked backstage. Then Sting did the Wolfpac howl to send the fans home happy (even though he's a heel.)

It was the ninth best Impact taping I've ever been to...and I've only been to eight!

Anyway, as you ALL stinking know Cyborg Sunday is THIS Sizzunday! Since it is a REAL shoot everyo match has THREE possible endings booked! Which is good for the writers because they get paid three times as much!

Matt Hardy versus Evan Bourne, Finlay or Mark Henry.

If Bourne: They have a great eight minute match until finally Bourne goes for the shooting star press but somehow Matt Hardy manages to catch it in mid air and hit a Twist Of Fate! And this looks so cool the first time you see it that everyone on the internet says it's a great match and Dave Meltzer says it's a "MOTY candidate"! But then the next day the backlash begins and everyone says that the finish was stupid and made no sense and the match sucked and anyone who liked it sucked and Meltzer is losing his touch and if he's so great how come he gave the Bret/Owen cage match five stars but only gave four and three quarters to the Wrestlemania 10 match!?

If Finlay: The referee is distraction by Hornswoggle doing an IRISH JIG and Finlay is about to hit Matt with the Shell...Irish club thing, when suddenly Gregory Helms pops up on the titan tron in a little bubble and says hey, Fitt Finlay! You're supposed to be a good guy but you win all yoru matches by hitting your opponent with a club! That's not the actions of a good guy! How can you live with yourself? I'm just saying!" then disappears. Then Finlay looks at his hands like Bob Backlund used to and says "WHAT HAVE I BECOMETH! I'll win this match on my own ability!" and throws the club away to a big pop. Then Matt hits him witht he twist of fate eight seconds later to win.

If Mark Henry: If Mark Henry win the vot then that is PROOF that the fans have excepted him as a main eventer and that they subconsciously WANT HIM as their champion so he beats Matt in 48 seconds then bends frying pans and juggles with Matt and Tony Atlas to use up time.

Dvas Halloween Costume Contest of SEX.

Beth is dressed as Xena and it's so predictable and out-dated that everyone else refuses to compete and she's declared the winner by default!

Noble/Mickie versus Regal/Layla or Cryme Tyme versus Mizorrison or Priceless versus Punk and Kingstone.

If Noble/Micke vs Regal/Layla: Noble suddenly grabs Mickie around the neck and says "Layla! I still love you and your fine ass! If I SNAP Mickie's neck for you, will you love me again?" And Layla shrugs and says "sure" and Noble SNAPS Mickie's neck and you hear a pop! But then Layla kicks Noble in the balls and says "Ha! Even murdering Mickie James live on ppv won't make me love you!" But then Mickie jumps up(!) and kicks Layla where HER balls would be if she was a man and pins her says "Ha! It was a set-up, I made that popping sound with my mouth!"

If Cryme Tyme vs Mizorrison: Double countout!

If Priceless vs Punk/Kingstone: Double DQ! Hopefully the WWE Universe will go with the first option!

Santino versus Roddy Piper, Honky Tonk Dan or Goldust.

If Roddy Piper: Unfortunately it sucks because Piper's old and has had all his hips, knees, elbows and teeth replaced with fakes and he can't even do the eyepoke because he's got crippling arthritis in his inxed fingers from fighting Space Invaders in 1977 (name that reference!) And Jimmy Kennel isn't even here this time to save the match and Santino wins with a roll-up holding the kilt (Piper wrestles in his kilt so that we can't see his flabby thighs!)

If Honky Tonk Man: Santino plays the YouTube video of Honky injuring his finger on the titan tron and runs away through the crowd while Honky's watching it! This is all to set up Honky returning a year later and winning the IC belt when Santino is just one day away from breaking the record!

If Goldust: Santino grabs the mic and says "Ah, look-ah at this, it's the Goldendust! You are so fat that TNA should have called you FAT reign! Hey, where is your friend the Rellik that is Killer spelt backwards, huh? Do you think your dad loves Cody more than you since Cody's so much younger and thinner and better in the a-ring? I do!" But Goldust is just CHARLIE HAAS dressed up as Goldust so he's unaffacted by these insults and wins in three minutes and we have a new chimpion!

Kane versus Rey Mysterious (falls count anywhere or no holds bad or two out of three falls.)

If falls count anywhere: Kane grabs the mic and says "let's settle this thing on my home turf...IN HELL!" Then Rey says "Umm, but Hell is just a mythological and metaphorical construct, dude!" And Kane says "Okay, parking lot then." And Rey finally gets a car and drives it right by Kane but then SWERVES it round so that it sideswipes into Kane's head and Cole says "MY GOD, REY JUST DID A 619 WITH A CAR!"

If No Holds Bad: Kane grabs Rey for a chokeslam but instead of slamming him down he just holds him up there with one hand like Darth Vader and says "hey, it's no holds barred, HO HO HO!" Then Rey reverses to a rana somehow and wins.

If two out of three falls: Kane wins the first falls with a BOOT (his new finisher!) then instantly drags Rey out of the ring and holds him there until the referee counts them both out and Kane wins two falls to one! Then the fans boo but Kane grabst he mic and says "Hey! Did you really want to see the two of us wrestling a full three falls anyway?" And the fans cheer!

Jericho versus Batista (referee Stole Cold, Shawn Michaels or Randy Orton.)

If Old Stone Cold: Before the match Austin grabs the mic and says "Listen up son, Hulk Hogan might have 24 inch pythons but I drank 25 beers this morning and that's all I've got to say about that!" And this is the first SUBTLE piece of set-up for the Austin/Hogan match at Wrestlemania 25! Jericho wins with his feet on the ropes then Batista says "Damn it, Steve, why didn't you see his feet on the ropes?" And Austin says "What?" Then Batista repeats the question. And Austin says "What?" And so on and so on until Jericho tries to hit them both with a shovel but they gave him a Batista Bomb into a stunner combination and drink beer to send the fans home happy and them home drunk!

If Shawn Michaels: Shawn goes to superkick Jericho but PULLS A LEG as he does and falls over holding his leg in agony! But Batista doesn't believe it's a real injury so he Batista Bombs Shawn through the announce table LEG FIRST(!) but it IS a real injury and Nitro Girl Whisper says "Oh my God, you KILLED his leg!" Then Jericho pins Batista with his feet on the ropes.

If Randy Orton: Orton grabs the mic and says "Seriously? You fans SERIOUSLY voted a heel referee for the main event match? That's retarded!" Then just walks away. So Michael Cole says "Maybe I can help out!" and pulls his shirt off and he's got a referee's shirt underneath (I'm glad, I didn't want to see his nipples!) and he refs the match. Then Jericho pins Batista with his feet on the ropes.

Undertaker versus Big Show (Knockout, Last Man Standing, I Quit.)

If Knockout: Big money offer to Floyd Mayweather to do a run in, climb up on Undertaker's shoulders, and knock out Show from there with a big left hand! But if he refuses, Taker just puts on some boxing gloves and punches out Show but then he takes the gloves off and reveals there was NO STUFFING in them (so why wear them at all!?)!

If Last Man Standing: The exact same as the above (seriously, what's the difference between knockout and last man standing anyway!?)

If I Quit: Undertakers puts Big Show in "there's that submission hold!" and nobody can remember if it's still banned or not, but Show passes out from the pain anyway and can't say he quits and Taker keeps slapping him and dumping cold water on him to get him to wake up but he won't move and Taker says "I quit at getting his ass to quit!" and Show wins since Taker said "I quit!"

HHH versus Jeff Hardy or Koslov or BIZZOTH!!

If Hardy: HHH pins Hardy with the pedigree.

If Hardy and Koslov: HHH pins Hardy with the pedigree.

If Koslov: Hardy runs in and the HHH gives him a pedigree! Koslov then says "YOU. ME. SURVIVOR SERIES!" then just walks backstage even though there was no ending to the match.

It's going to be a great show/awful show!

Well that's about all the Hot Newz I've got in my brain for this month, back soon for more, have a happy halloween and don't eat too many drugs!!!!


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