14/12/08 - A Hot Newz Christmas Carol!

OMG I am back with a Christmas Special! This year is different and it is EXTRA special because instead of giving you hot newz and hot interviews and pictures of hot women like I have done in the past (women by email on request!) I am instead presenting to you a movie script I have written! It is a movie about THE ROCK based on the Shakespeare classic "Scrooged" and I hope to sell it to a MAJOR Hollywood studio! The cast will be obvious once you read the script and I know they'll all be JONESING to appear! Anyway, here is the script, make sure to tell your friends especially if your friends are major hollywood producers!

SCIZZOGED

Written by Hot Newz

Directed by Hot Newz

Executive Producers Hot Newz and SoCal Val

(The Rock and Megan Fox are having dinner at a fancy restaurant.)

Megan: I'm so glad I decided to come out with you, Dwayne.

Rock: And I'm glad you dumped that Terminator loser guy!

Megan: No one even watches that show!

Rock: Haha, I bet they go to a lot of effort with the scripts and everything. Losers. All they need is explosions and catchphrases and eye-brow raising, baby!

Megan: Let's skip the rest of dinner even though it cost a thousand bucks and go straight to bed. FOR SEX!

Rock: Haha, sure baby. A thousand buck is chump change to the...to me. To Dwayne. SEX!

(A young boy comes over to the table.)

Boy: My dad said not to disturb you but I knew you'd sign an autograph for me because you are a good man and I'm one of the millions and millions of fans!

Rock: Sure kid, Dwayne will sign you an autograph...

Boy: Dwayne? I want the Rock's autograph!

Megan: He wants a Rockograph!

Rock: What? TO HELL WITH THAT. I ain't the Rock no more, I hate wrestling. Beat it, jab...you bum!

Boy: Aaaah!

(The boy runs away in fear.)

Megan: That wasn't very nice.

Rock: Shut your mouth, ho!

Megan: How dare you!

Rock: Look, are we going to have sex or not?

Megan: Not afer you call me a ho!

Rock: Well then...do you like pancakes?

Megan: Umm, yes.

Rock: THEN PANCAKE YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! THEN EAT SOME PANCAKES, SKINNY. I don't need you...I've got someone better to share my bed with.

(CUT TO Rock rolling around in bed...with lots of bank notes!)

Rock: Money money money! You're all I need! I don't need Megan Fox or wrestling fans! I don't need a soul!

(The phone rings. He sighs and answers.)

Rock: I'm with the money, what do you want?

Agent: Got you a new film role! Well, I don't know if you'll want to do it, the script is pretty poor, piss poor actually...

Rock: Am I getting paid more than ever before?

Agent: Yes, and there's lots of explosions and an annoying kid, but...

Rock: Then what are you waiting for? SIGN ME UP AND DON'T BOTHER ME AGAIN!

Agent: Okay. Merry Christmas for tomorrow.

Rock: Oh, it's Christmas tomorrow?

Agent: Uhh, yeah...

Rock: BAH HURRICANE-BUG!

(He smashes down the phone.)

Rock: Can just by a new one!

(He goes to sleep. CUT TO later that night. The Rock is lying in bed, asleep.)

Rock: Roody poo...candy ass...layin' the smackdown...

Voice: So you STILL talk trash in your sleep?

(The Rock wakes up.)

Rock: Who's that, who's there!?

Voice: Oh I THINK YOU BETTER RECOGNISE just who the hell I am!

(D'Lo Brown steps out of the shadows. DRESSED A GHOST.)

Rock: You're not dead!

D'Lo: No, but my career is!

Rock: What are you doing here?

D'Lo: You will be visited by three ghosts tonight!

Rock: So another two after you.

D'Lo: No, not including me.

Rock: Right, so four ghosts then.

D'Lo: I suppose so.

Rock: Well why didn't you just say that in the first place!?

D'Lo: Look, it's hardly the point! The point is that you must change your ways! Stop being a Hollywood phoney and start caring about your fans and wrestling again.

Rock: Never!

D'Lo: It's not too late to change! Look at the Great Khali, he hated America and tried to kill The Undertaker, the symbol of all that is good in America, but he discovered a new love for the USA when he started kissing fat american broads! You can do the same thing!

Rock: I'm not kissing no large women! Billy Gunn tried to make me do that once...but that was in another lifetime.

D'Lo: Change your ways! Change your waaaaaays!

(D'Lo backs out of the room making spooky hand gestures.)

Rock: I'm never going back to wrestling and caring about my fans. Never!

(The Rock goes back to sleep. Later that night a banging wakes him up.)

Rock: Who is it this time?

Ghost: I am the ghost of WWF past!

Rock: No, you're just D'Lo again but in a false moustache.

D'Lo in a false moustache: Remember when I had a moustache when we were in the Nation together? That's what this is.

Rock: Just get out of here, you bum! I got to sleep, man, I've got Christmas tomorrow, Christmas with my money!

D'Lo: Not Christmas with THE MUMMY?

Rock: I was in The Mummy Returns, not The Mummy.

D'Lo: Oh. Anyway, look at your past! On his latop. LOOOOOK!

(D'Lo plays a YouTube video on his latop of Rocky Maivia's debut at Survivor Series 96.)

Rock: Damn, look at that pineapple headed jabroni...oh, it's me.

D'Lo: See the simple pleasure you got out of slapping hands with kids and pinning Goldust with a shoulder breaker. You can have that all over again!

Rock: Goldust's still got a job?

D'Lo: Amazingly yes!

Rock: Well unlike him I've moved on!

D'Lo: Oh yeah? Is what you're doing with your life now really more worthwhile than THIS?

(D'Lo plays a YouTube of The Rock hitting Ken Shamrock with a killer chairshot.)

Rock: Haha, no wonder he's lost his last 40 MMA fights after all those chairshots! Still, I don't miss that life.

D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?

(He clicks out another YouTube link, but the "this video has been removed due to a copyright claim by WWE" message comes up.)

D'Lo: Hold on, let me find another link...

(He keeps searching, then closes his browser by mistake.)

D'Lo: Shit...just hold on...

Rock: Look, I do have to sleep, and I've got two more ghosts coming before the night's over...

D'Lo: The sound quality is crap on on this one! Okay, I'll just turn it up...

(It's the video of the Rock versus Hulk Hogan from WrestleMania 18.)

D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?

Rock: No! Those jabroni mothercanuckers booed The Rock out of the building!

D'Lo: They booed...The Rock?

Rock: I mean, me. They booed me. I'm not the Rock anymore!

D'Lo: Change your ways. CHANGE YOUR WAAAAYS!

(D'Lo backs out of the room making ghostly hand gestures.)

Rock: I ain't changing for him or nobody. What a roody...rude person.

(Rock goes back to sleep for 18 seconds before another ghost shows up.)

Ghost: I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

Rock: I'm going to gift wrap you, take a bow, turn that sumbitch sideways and....make another movie. Go away!

Ghost: No. NOOOOO!

Rock: Who are you anyway, you sound familiar...

(It's Tony Atlas!)

Tony Atlas: It's Tony Atlas!

Rock: Well that makes less sense than D'Lo! You were friends with my dad, not part of my present!

Atlas: Yeah, but I'll do anything for money. ANYTHING.

Rock: Yeah, that's true. Well, what do you want?

Atlas: I have something to show you...downstairs...

Rock: Whoah there, uncle Tony, my dad knows about that, don't try it again...

Atlas: No, I mean REALLY downstairs.

Rock: Oh.

Atlas: And you were seventeen at the time so it wasn't even all that bad. Anyway, follow me.

(Rock follows Atlas downstairs and out of his mansion.)

Rock: Wait, we're going to that stinky little hut in the garden?

Atlas: That stinky little hut is where your butler lives.

Rock: Is it? Why would he want to live there? Eww.

Atlas: You only pay him in change you find down the back of your sofa!

Rock: Hey, I gave him a hundred dollar bill the other day.

Atlas: Three months ago!

Rock: Pah, that's enough to feed a starving family for three months...I used to eat dust sandwiches when I was in the USWA...I think...I can't really remember.

Atlas: Look through the window.

Rock: What am I looking at?

Atlas: Umm, them unwrapping their Christmas present...but it will probably be another four hours before they do, given that it's the middle of the night...I should have come later, really.

FOUR WHOURS LATER

Rock: ...and that's the story of how I saved Christopher Walken's career. Now for the story of what really happened to Natalie Wood...

Atlas: Never mind, it's time! BEHOLD!

(Through the window, the young boy from the restaurant is unwrapping his one and only present.)

Rock: Oh, so that's who he was...guess I should have recognised the little jabroni.

Boy: Dad, what is this?

Dad: It's a collection of every movie The Rock has ever been in, on DVD!

Rock: What a great present!

Boy: Oh.

(He throws them down.)

Dad: What's wrong, son?

Boy: Daddy, I hate The Rock! He's mean and his movies suck! I mean, Gameplan? SERIOUSLY?

Dad: Now son, don't be ungrateful, it's thanks to the Rock that we have this lovely house...

Boy: This house is horrible!

Dad: Hey!

Boy: The Rock sucks! I'd rather have The Marine on DVD than these abortions.

Dad: You don't mean that, son.

Boy: I do. I'd rather have Mister Kennedy's movie!

Dad: You've gone too far!

(The father grabs the son and starts spanking him.)

Boy: Oww!

Dad: TAKE. YOUR. MEDECINE.

Rock: Damn!

Atlas: Uhh, I didn't think that was going to happen. But you see the point? Your young fans have lost all faith in you and your movies suck.

Rock: Hey, I made Doom.

Atlas: Exactly!

Rock: Hmm...but wrestling...I'm so much better than that.

Atlas: Oh, you think you're better than me, do you, better than Tony Atlas and Big Mark Henry?

Rock: Yes!

Atlas: Okay, fair point. There's still one more ghost to come, maybe he can change your mind.

Rock: Who's it going to be? Tazz?

Atlas: Oh, you'd like it to be Tazz, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU?

(Atlas runs away. The Rock shrugs and goes back to bed. Twelves seconds later a ghost awakes.)

Rock: Hi Tazz...wait, you're not Tazz...

Ghost: It's me! D D P!

Rock: Who?

DDP: Me! Look at my hands!

Rock: God you're old. How can you be the Ghost of Christmas Future?

DDP: Because you'll be old some day, Rock. Old and wrinkly like me! And like me you could end up alone, Kimberley having left you for Bischoff, WWE, TNA and not even MEXICO returning your calls! But that's not a bad thing! That's a good thing.

Rock: It is?

DDP: Nah, it's a bad thing. I'm just trying to get all my catchphases in. BANG! Hey, you know that hand signal Hitler used to do? That was the self HEIL five!

Rock: Just show me whatever you've got to show me.

DDP: Okay.

(DDP pops a DVD on. It is of the latest Impact.)

Rock: Hey, Mickey Faulty! Foley? Something like that. I wondered what happened to that guy. Why are you showing me him? To show the dangers of eating too many pies?

DDP: BEHOLD.

Rock: You been hanging out with Tony Atlas?

DDP: He's a cool guy.

(Foley is talking to Jim Cornette backstage.)

Foley: ...remember that Boiler Room Brawl I had with the Big Show? Funny story about that match, Vince Russo came up to me before it and said "Mick, you're gonna have to hit Big Show with a bottle of lemonade" and I said "No way Vince, I ain't doing that!" But then I had a change of heart and decided I would do it, then during the match I'm looking for my bottle of lemonade, can't find it! Turns out Mideon, that tattooed tough guy, drank it before the match. Then Mideo peed in Viscera's boots! Crazy days. Great days. I miss them so much. But hey, I'm having a lot of fun here in TNA! It reminds me of when I was in ECW and Steve Austin was wrestling on one show and before his match I said "hey Steve, you can use my big elbow drop if you want!" He didn't use it. Great guy though. It's a shame him and Debra didn't stay together...

Rock: Enough! This is painful! It has nothing to do with TNA's product, it's just Mick rambling on!

DDP: Exactly!

Rock: What do you mean, exactly? This has no relevance to me, I'm not going to end up like that.

DDP: Are you sure?

Rock: Yeah, it's impossible.

DDP: Impossible? No. Highly, HIGHLY unlikely? Yes. But NOT impossible. And you need to be aware of that, Rock. Just imagine, if you will, for a moment that your movie career fails because you've been in nothing but bad movies and refuse to star in anything good. Just IMAGINE that the money's running out because your ex wife has turned into a bitch and wants more for your stinking kids. But worse than that, imagine that you're not famous anymore! Imagine that no one knows who you are or cares about you anymore. Imagine that the ONLY WAY to be famous again is to return to wrestling, but the WWE won't hire you because of the way you treated D'Lo Brown and Tony Atlas, two great and much loved men, a couple of years earlier. Your ONLY OPTION is to go to TNA and then, like Foley, all you can do is talk about the times you used to be great in pointless backstage segments with Jim Cornette and Jeremy Borash. You cannot deny that there is a chance, even the smallest chance in the world, that this COULD happen. You cannot deny that. And you can't take the chance that it could happen.

(The Rock looks horrified.)

Rock: My God, you're right. I'm returning to WWE this instant!

DDP: BANG!

(DDP runs away. The Rock goes to the window. The butler's son is outside.)

Rock: You boy, what day is this?

Boy: What, you don't have a calendar? You can't just turn on the radio or tv?

Rock: Just tell me!

Boy: Why sir, it's Christmas day. You miserable old Scrizzoge!

Rock: Oh really?

(The Rock takes some of the money he's been sleeping with and throws it out of the window.)

Kid: Yay, money! Thanks Rock! This will stop dad from hitting me!

Rock: Don't mention it, kid!

Kid: Hmm...it does smell funny though.

Rock: That's strange.

(Rock takes a step back from the window.)

Rock: Better not tell him I've been masturwanking with that cash.

A WEEK LATER

(The Rock is meeting with Vince McMahon in Vince's office.)

Vince: ...then it's agreed, you'll return full time starting this week on RAW.

Rock: I can't believe I'm back! It feels so good. No more crappy movies!

Vince: Haha, yeah. I heard you were dating Megan Fox by the way, how did that end?

Rock: I realised she's horribly overrated.

Vince: Ha, glad you did, pal! There's lots of hot divas you can sleep with here anyway.

Rock: I assume Trish Stratus, Stacey Keibler and Torrie Wilson are still employed?

Vince: Umm...I think they all died or something. But there's Kelly Kelly! She has an improbable name.

Rock: I like her already!

(They shake hands and The Rock leaves. D'Low Brown, Tony Atlas and DDP step out of the shadows.)

Vince: Well done, all of you. Here's a crisp hundred dollar bill each.

Atlas: Just like The Rock did for his butler!

D'Lo: This is going straight n the bank!

Vince: Yeah, you both better save...since you're both FIRED. Sorry, you both suck and I need to pay the Rock's huge salary. GET THEM OUT OF HERE!

(The Basham Brothers (they're still alive!) drag D'Lo and Tony Atlas away.)

DDP: Well, what about me? You promised me a job if I talked the Rock back!

Vince: No, I promised not to kick you in the face if you got down on your knees and begged for a job.

DDP: Oh, right, so you did. Sorry.

(DDP gets down on his knees.)

DDP: Please give me a job!

(Randy Orton runs in and kicks DDP in the face.)

Vince: No!

THE END

BIG DADDY V REPLACING THE ROCK IN STRAIGHT TO DVD GAMEPLAN SEQUEL? CHIRSTY HEMME'S NEW PUSH NOT AT ALL CONNECTED TO THE FACT THAT SHE'S BEEN SPOTTED LEAVING VINCE RUSSO'S HOTEL ROOM AT 3AM WITH VISIBLE ORGASM FACE? CHRISTOPHER DANIELS/CURRY MAN TO RETURN AS A NEW DOINK BUT THEY CAN'T KILL HIM DOINK SO THEY CALL HIM "BOINK" BUT THE WWE STILL SUES EVEN AT THAT SO THEY SCRAP THE GIMMICK AND HE GOES BACK TO CURRY MAN WITH NO EXPLANATION? MIKE ADAMLE ADMITS THAT HE FAKED KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT WRESTLING TO GET FIRED AND HE'S ACTUALLY HARDCORE RING OF HONOR FAN? PLUS ACTUAL GENUINE, NOT EVEN LYING THIS TIME, HONESTLY CLICK THE LINK TO SEE, PICS OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON A NUDIST BEACH AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

21/12/05 - Christmas special (kind of)

OMG I am bakc once agian on this very site! And the big newz is that WWE suxs now! Yes, WWEE-WEE (get it?) has sucked for years since da Rock went to Hollyswood and Austin beat teh shit out of Debra, but it suxs TOO FAR now! Firstly of all Eddie Guerrero is dead. I had the pleasure of pretending to interview Eddie for this very column and he was a pleausure to pretend to work with. He will be missed by all true fans of wrestling. And some FAKE fans of wrestling too! As well as that, Ric Flair put his wife in the figure four and when he heard the police sirens he bladed himself and when the cop ran in he said "she hit me first, wooo!" and did a Flair Flop the bastard! Then he got road rage and put a car in a figure four! And WWE has a new drug policy so dat means the SEXUALSTAR Christy Hemme has been fired (she's addicted to a new drug called snaggletooth that's SO NEW and kewl that you've never even heard of it that hotty) and Tajiri has had to quit (he smokes!) Plus MISTER Kennedy the hot new star for the future who's gimmick is saying his name then saying it again ten seconds later (IT'S SO CLEVER...I CANT EVEN TELL IF I'M BEING SARCASTIC ANYMORE...AND I DONT KNOW WHY I'M TYPING IN CAPS...LOL!) has torn his laxative mussle and will be out for two years! So I'm quitting reportinging on the WWE FOREEEEEVER after this colum! But I'm going to go oout in a blazing glory and SPOIL the WWE's extra special secret Smackdown in IRAQ tapings! You didnt know they were having one,d id you? That's because I have access to sources that your wildest dreams can't even dream about in there wildest dreams!

First I had to get ticktets to teh show so I decided to cash in on the favor owed to me by Vince McMahon NO NOT A SEXUAL ONE! You see, a few yeasr ago on Hot Newz I fantasy booked that the APA (Brad Shaw and Farouk in case u forgat!) went to a gay bar to find Billy and Chuck and beat up lots of transexuals and stuff (it was a gay AND transexual bar!) then da next week on Smackdown they did THE EXACT SAME ANGLE! I threatened to sue the WWE but there lawyer Jeremy McVittie begged me not to and said Vince would give me free tickets to ANY show if I didnt! I get into most shows free anyway because of my press pass so I waited and waited and finally there's a secret show that NOBODY'S supposed to know about and I'll be the ONLY internet jouranlist there! I called up Vince and demanded tickets (and I could hear Linda in the background saying "better do what he wants, snugglebear!") so Vince gave me then but then made me promise NOT to reveal the spoilers on the internet because it's such a special show and is the first show of the WWE's NEW badass Attitude 2 era which started with Tim White's suicide and more importanly it means so much to the troops. So I gave my word as a WWE fan that I would never reveal the results anywhere and Vince was happy...then after he hung up I LOLed evily for ten minutes! He bizzought it!

Vince wouldnt pay for my Flight to Iraq (cheap basterd!) so I had to make my own way there but luckily my uncle Barry is an airline pilot and he was flying to India or somewhere and that's near Iraq so he let me hitch a ride (business class all the way and the stewardesss were MORE than accomodating if you spy what I imply!) and droped me off at the Free Iraq Democratic Sports Arena (renamed from the Saddam Hussien Worship Temple and Sports Arena)!

When I go to my seat there was already some soldier guy sitting there and I was PISSED so I told him to move his army-ass! He asked me if I was in the army too and I said I was. He asked if I fought in the battle of Abbu Babu town and I said "Fought in it? Dood, I fucking pwned all the Iraqis and pratically took Abbu Babu all by myself!" Then he said "but there IS no Abbu Babu town, I just made it up! You're not in the army!" and looked like he was going to give me a stone cold stunner so I called over security and told them I know Vince and they dragged his ass out of there and I took the seat I'd worked hard for in the front row just in time to see Lillian bnedover as she got in the ring and flash her panties!

Lillian sang teh Oh Say Can U SEEEE song so i went for snacks!

First up JBL came out and said some crap about "shooting from the heart" and started going on about all the great work we're doing in Iraq (yawn!) so I booed constantly throughout the whole thing until finally Jillian Hall came out in a trenchcoat and said she had a special present for the troops and flashed her tats(~!) and everyone cheered except me because she's SUPPOSED TO BE A HEEL and the marks are ruining wrestling so I booed the ugly MOLEY-MINGER!

First match was Mexicools verses Kid Kash and Paul London and Spizzanky! London and Spanky were wearing fruity gold masks and carrying fruity gold swords so I guess they're frutiy gold heels now! When the Mexicols came out Juvi wasnt with them but then a minute later he came running out with a wild look in his eyes and flared nostrils and wearing nothing but a sock over his peni and testes! And he grabbed the mic from Jilian and I said "I am the extreme cock sock supercockstar and I am your lord and master, Iraq! Pisocosis and Super Crazy ain't in my league man they ain't even in my fish tank! I'm not drunk or high I'm just wired this way, baby! Whooo! WHOOO! Old man Triple H is so jealous that he holds me down and holds me under water man so I can't breath but guess what Jean Paul I got gills, man! And Kid Kash? The only reason they are the cruiserweight champion...is because Triple H doesn't want to work Tuesdays!" and nobody could believe this shooting coming form Juvi (because it sucked) then he started taking the sock off but Kid Kash just rolled him up for the pin. Then Juvi shrugged hid under the ring. And I could see London and Spanky crying under there masks but it served them right for selling out and leaving ROH. And I threw my soda over them.

Batista and Rey Rey are backstage talking about Eddie and Rey says "I'm gonna make Eddie proud tonight" and Batista nods and looks up at the ceiling. Then Melina walks in with bags under her eys and says "Look, drop the belts back! You don't need them! I'm not going to have sex with you this time though, I'm still tired from last time!" Batista sez "You say no, but what's to stop me from helping myself to your goods again anyway?" and Melina ran out in disgust the bitch and we all cheered (well, I did) because Melina is a slut and what does she expect with those skits she wears!

Next watch was Trish and Mickie versus Victoria and Torrie (did I mention that this was an intercontpromotional show? Because it was!) But before the match could even get started, Edge ran out wearing jeans and no shirt and SPEARED Trish right out of her boots (not literaly)! The other girls walked out then Edge got the mic and said "Huh, how you'd like that? Don't even think of cutting my mic! You see you all know that in wrestling storlines, in kayfabe, my name is Edge and I'm screwing Lita. But in real life, yeah I'm shooting here don't cut my mic, my name is Adam, Lita is Amy and I'm cheating on her with Trish! Don't cut my mic! Last night, I had intercourse with Trish and after she told me she forgot to use birthcontrol! So I just did a little birthcontrol of my own right there with that spear! You gonna cut my mic? Cut my mic, huh, cut my mic? Don't cut my mic! And why isn't Lita mad, you ask? Because she's so high on crack she doesn't know what day of the week it is! Huh, you gonna cut my mic? Cut my mic? Cut my mic, huh, cut my mic? My mic? You gonna cut my mic? Cut my mic, Vince? Cut my mic, Stephanie? Cut my mic? Don't cut my mic! You better not cut my mic! Don't cut my mic! You gonna cut my mic, huh...don't cut my mic! Cut my mic?" Then he looked around and waited for a minute and said "did you cunt my mic yet? No...you didn't! Because...umm...DAMN IT!" then just threw his mic down and ran walked backstage (they must have cut it!) Then Trish got up and grabbed the mic (it wasn't cut!) and said "but I took the pill this morning!"

Backstage Lita was wondering about looking CRACKED OUT when Matt Hardy ran over to her and said "hey HO I just wanna take this chance to say that I'm SOOOOO over you! I know I cried about our break-up for nearly a year, but that was like a just a work, bitch! I was getting heat, I never loved you! I've screwd all the Diva Search chicks in the last few months and ALL of them were a millions times better in bed than you! I'd rather take an Undertaker chokeslam than take you back! What do you think of that, HUUUUH?" Lita said "Uhh...what day of the week is this, Jeff?" then threw up on Matt's shoes!

Next up was Shawn Michales and Road Rage Ric Flair versus Triple H and Kurt Angle! And during the match refree Chioda was BUMPED and Davari ran out in a referee shirt and the guy next to me said "he thinks he can ref because it's his home town!" and I rolled my eyes and said "he's from Iran, STUPID!" But Sergant Slaughter pulled Davari out of the ring and pulled his referee shirt off and tried to put it on...but it got stuck around his fat neck! And Slaughter was choking and I was LOLing at him but then his face turned purple and I realised that this was a shoot so I did the X sign my hands but nobody came! Then I said "Hey Sarge, I guess Andre The Giant can't help you, can he? You know why? BECAUSE HE'S DEAD!" which I thought was a clever line (and it was!) but Slaughter was unconceesous now and couldnt laugh! And I had missed most of the match watching him becuase when I looked back at the ring Kurt Angle was out cold and had "COWARD" written on his back in yellow paint and Shawn, Flair and Triple H(!) were all doing crotch chops together and wearing DX t-shirts!!!!!!!!1

Lillian next said it was time for a special interview from...THE ROCK! Then The Rock appeared on the Titan tron to a big pop and he was standing in front of the Hollywood sign! And he said "Finally, The Rock HAS COME BACK...to televison! It's been a long time, too long!, since the Rock laid the smacketh down in a WWE ring! But here I am again, even though I'm not under contract and don't have to do this, recording a special message...I mean, speaking LIVE to all the troops in Iraq! Listen, The Rock loves you guys, he loves what you're doing over there fighting for freedom and he wishes he was over there too but you know The Rock's got commitments over here! I'm playing Ken or Ryu or something in the new Mortal Kombat movie or something, hopefully y'all be home in time to see it! But if The Rock was over there he'd lay the Smackdown y'all know it: a rock bottom for Saddam, a people's elbow for Osama then The Rock would put George Bush in a sharpshooter and make him tap out like a drunk man...which he is! Wait wait, The Rock's just messin' wit ch'all, just because the Rock's in Hollywood doesn't mean the Rock's some lefty tree hugging liberal! No, The Rock would Never EEEEEEVER (that was one of mine, right?) hug a tree! In fact if the Rock was in a forest and there was nobody around, he'd take out the people's axe and chop DOWN all the tree's candyasses! And if one of those trees happened to land on a hotty female lumberjack, well, The Rock would give her the old kiss of life and then hopefully she'd give the Rock a slice of her POONTANG PIE! Anyway, The Rock's needs to go soon, Sarah Michelle Gellar is calling him, we're on the set of Southland Tales here I'm sure you've all read about it on the internet...hey Buffy, wanna send a special message to the troops...no? Oh, she doesn't have her make-up on yet, she's looking hella scary, it's just as well y'all don't have to see her like this! But rest assured, The Rock gets to tap that ass in the movie and he don't use NO jabroni body double! Listen, maybe I'll arrange a special screening of the movie over there for you guys with ten percent of the tickets for all you brave men and women, how does that sound? Have a happy Christmas and a merry new year IF YOU SMELLALALALALALALALA what the Rock...is sayin'! Cookin'! I meant cookin'! Tick tock! Tick tock! Tick tock! Kurt Angle! Tick tock!" Best intaview ever!

Next match was Batista Rey versus MNM for the tag titles! And when Melina did her slits going into the ring you heard her panties tear in half and Batista looked up her skirt and said "oh yeah, I'm having some of that later tonight!" Batista and Rey kicked MNM's asses the whole match but then Batista was standing against the ropes shaking them when suddely Rey gave him a 619 right in the groin! Then MNM pinned Batista to win the tag titles and Rey gave Batista another 619 (what a beatdown!) and said "You want to know why I'm doing this? Because it's what EDDIE would have wanted! Everyone knows he was going to turn heel on you at Survivor Series so I'm just continuing his legacy by turning on you now!" Then Dominic ran out and gave Batista a frog splash and turned to Rey and said "Finally I can be proud to call you...papi!" and hugged him!

Next up was Santa Vis (vis dressed as Santa!) and he had a big brown heaving sack! And Santa Vis said "Which littel boy OR GIRL would like a present from the Norht Pole's biggest love machine?" and Maria came out! Mariah said "Hi Santa Vis do you have a present? I'd be happy with a nice sweet candy cane to suck on!" and vis said "let's see what we got, sugar" and reach into his sack and pulled out a pair of kneepads! Maria looked disappointed and said "but I wanted something sweet to suck on!" and Vis said "Hey baby, if you wear these I've got somethign you can suck on all night long! Or you can put them on, turn around, kneel down and let Big Vis..." but then Matt Striker came out. Striker said "this is an abomination, Christmas is about the birth of Jesus not giving presents and making crude sexual innuendo!" but Vis hit him in the back of the head with his sack then splashed him! Then Marai but the kneepads on and Vis grinned from ear to ear but Maria climbed to the top rope and gave Striker a flying kneedrop! Maria said "Oh, now I understand why you got me those kneepads, so I could do that!"

Next was Benoit verses Booker in match 48 of their best of 7 series with The Boogity Man as the special guest referee! Benoit had Booker pinned but Sharmell interfered so Benoit headbutted her like he did to STephaie McMahon that one time if you remember to the biggest pop I've ever heard but then the Boogity Man said "I'm the BOOGITY MAN! And I say...let them eat worms!" then suddenly the lights went out and when they came back the whole ring was turned into worms! And Booker was like "screw this dawg, I ain't fighting in no worms, suckaaa!" and walked backstage and Benoit just looked angry then he shook his head in disgust and started writing "T N A" in the air with his finger like Bret Hart in Montreal!

Now it werr time for the main even which was Randy Orton with his pops challengind John Cena for da WWE title! And Before the match Cena had a special rap for the troops.

Yo, yo, chill, chill, back once again and ready to thrill,

My passion for grapplin' is a desire no Orton can kill,

I play by my own rules, don't suck up to the boss,

If JR's colon wasn't broken he'd call me a gangsta hoss!

I'm as real as real can be, I was raised on the streets,

Christmas time is coming, Santa's for real too and he's hading out treats!

Some say I'm just for kids and little teenage girls,

Listen, I'm mature, don't believe me, I'll flush your head in the potty and give you a SWIRL!

And everyone CHEERED because there's no rappers in Iraq so they think ANY rapping is good rapping due to lowered standards! Then Orton hit teh RKO right away but it didn't hurt Cena because the ring was still worms remember and worms are soft! Then Cena came back with the F-U on Orton in the worms but for some reason it hurt Orton (must be beacuse he's a heel!) but there was no referee! Then suddenly some rock music I've never heard before played and TIM WHITE ran out to an even bigger pop then Sharmell getting what she deserved! Tim was holding his chest where there was a massive bullet hole and he was covered in blood but he still counted the three! Hwoever when White raised Cena's hand in a sing of victory (as is traditional!) his shoulder popped out again so he grabbed it with both arms and suddenly blood went SPLURTING out of his chest all over the fans in the front row! Luckily I was holding up my "Who Booked This War?" sign and none of the blood went on me! Then the lights went out.............

..........when they came back on the ring was back to normal and not worms anymore and Cena was gone (YES!) and Tim White was gone two (to the morgue!?) so Randy and his dad were all alone! Then SUDDENLY the Undertaker came out slowly and Randy was shaking in fear and Undertaker spoked and you could hear him on the speakers even though he didn't have a mic (vodoo!) and he said "RANDY. I want to say something to you...I want you to have...a merry Christmas!" then he hugged him! Then they all just waved to the fans and walked backstage what a rip!

As Lillian was thanking as for coming all the troops were saying that a grate show it had been so I had to correct them and say "NO IT WASN'T IT SUCKED!" then I told them to invade japan next year so we can have some good wreslters on the show! And finaly the troops had had enough of me so they picked me up and carried me out of the arena! But I had the last laught becuz it was like bodysurfing and I love bodysurfing! Then they threw me in a trashcan outside. But then the army had to fly me back to the airport in a HELICOPTER GUNSHIP which was well kewl1!

Well HotNewzaholics that's IT for me I am DIZZONE it's over like RIZZOVER no more Hot Newz on the WWE from me EVER so I hope you enjoyed my Hot Newz over the last ten years because that's IT and ther'es no more EVER for any of you no matter how much you beg and how many hot pix all the girls send me I'm THREW with it no more WWE newz EVER so GOODBI and SO LONG, ding-dong!

Back next year with TNA news!!!

BRET HART SMILES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN EIGHT YEARS? GUITAR SHOP REFUSES TO SERVE JEFF JARRETT? LEX LUGER SHARING JAIL CELL WITH AHMED JOHNSTON YES THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM? CARLITO ATTEMPTING TO LEARN HOW TO EXECUTE A BASIC SUPLEX, NOT DOING VERY WELL SO FAR? NICOLE BASS? PLUS HOT REVEALING RARE PICS OF MICKIE JAMES FORCING A KISS ON TRISH AT HOUSE SHOW WITH VISIBLE TONGUE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

22/12/04 - Christmas special!

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22/12/02 - Christmas special

OMG! Christmas is comming and the Big Show's getting fatter! Please put a penny in Road Dogg's hat...because he needs the money to buy drugz, LMAO! And I am bizzack with a Christmas Special! And for Christmes, I asked Santa (lots of kidz read Hot Newz so I'm not going to break kayfabe by revealing that their is no Santa!) for teh Hulk Still Rules DVD! And this DVD RULES because it shows a rare match between Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior from Japan in 1987 where Hogan accidently does a GANSO BOMB~! And it also apparantly has Hogan's first match ever...against Moses in 8000 BC! JK, LOL, it was really against Gotch Gracie in 1959.

Smackdown is going to do a crossover wiht another UPN show to scrap the Dawn Marie/Al Wilson angle. And at the wedding, when Al is about to say "I do" Dawn will play a video of her in bed with Torrie's mom and Torrie's grandmother! Buy then Willow from Buffy The Vampire Slayer comes out! And she says to Dawn "You are such a poorly written lesbian! You're an insult to well written lesbians like myself! So I'm going to use magic to make this whole angle disappear!" and she goes all veiny and evil looking and suddenly Al disappears! And Torrie and Dawn can't remember anything thatt's happened for the last three months and they're all confused so Dawn shows her tits and everyone is happy!

WWE taped Raw last night! And I managed to use my sources to get front row tickets, look out for my "Weinerville: It's not just for nerdz!" sign! And here's the results!

The Bisch comes out dressed as Santa Claus! And he has a long white beard and he's really fat. And Chief Morley says "you didn't have to wear so much padding" and Bischoff says "it's not padding, it's all me!" and Eric sez that as a Christmas present he's putting a 20 minute Scott Steiner and Triple H promo in the main event slot!

RVD and Kane are at a mall and Kane is seeing Santa for the first time. And Kane asks Santa why he never gave him presents as a kid and Santa says it's becauze Paul Bearer blocked up the chimmney! And Kane goes off to kill Paul Bearer and RVD reaches into Santa's sack and pulls out a bong!

Battista versus Tommy F'n Dreamer. Battista wins in four sekonds with a gay poerbomb and then says as a Christmas present, he wont break Tommy's back. But Tommy sayz "too late, I've been wrestling with a broken back for three years because I'm hardkore! EASY DUB YA!" so Battista powerbombs him from the top of the titan tron head first through 8 tables.

Backsta,ge, Steiner tells Bischoff that it should be a 25 minute interview and if it's not he walks out!

D'Lo Brown comes out and says that the WWE is racist because everyone knows Jesus was actually black! But then Shawn Michaels runs in and superkicks D'Lo and pours holy water over him and sayz "I cast thee out!"

Trish Stratus versus Victoria the Pysho lesbian bitch in a snow man match. There's a snow man in the middel of the ring fro some reason. And it eventually melts and the Big Bossman comes out of it! and he arrests Victoria for being mad and handcuffed her and hauls her ass to jail!

Eric Bishcoff is laughing like a maniac backstage and Morley askz him what's up and he says he put Bossman in the snowman because he's the GM and he does what he wants. But then D'Lo comes in and says he should have been in the snowman and Bisch is racist for having a white snowman and he's holding the brothas down! So Morley hits him with a chair.

Maven versus Chris Newinski turkey stuffing contest. Chris stuffs teh turkey fastest, but then maven says "that's because you have experience stuffing stuff up a pasty white ass...homo!"

Jerircho is holding missletoe above his head trying to get Terri to kiss him. And Terris says she will so he closes his eyes, but goldust steps in and kisses Jerichoe instead...wiht tongue! and Jericho throws up afterwards but when he walks away, you can see he has an erection!

Test versus Steven Richards. Test wins in 5 second and then Stacy said she's made a new Christmas snack called Stacy's choclate salty testicles! And she makes Test eat one. Then she tells Test to sing her choclate salty testicles song, but D'Lo Brown runs in and says she stole that song from a black man and she's a racist, so Test gives him a big boot and shoves his testicles down D'Lo's throat! His actual real testicles! JK! LOL!

Tripel H goes up to Bischoff backstage and says that it should be a 30 minute interview interview and if it's not he's walking out!

Meanwhile, Kane has found Paul Bearer's house! But before he can kill him, Paul makes a ghost of Christmas past appear! And it's the ghost of Katie Vick and she's hott! And Kane tries to have sex with her but he passes right threw her because sh'es a ghost and he cries because he never gets laid.

Booker T and Goldust versus Jericho and Christian. I went to get a hot dog and when I came back Booker was shaved bald and golust was tied upside down and naked on the titan tron so I dion't know what happened.

Triple H and Steiner inertview! They just keep saying "I have the biggest muscles!" and "No, I do!" for 27 minutes then D'Lo runs in and says the black brotha ain't represented in this interview so Steiner says "represent THIS" and kicks him in the balls then Tripel H pedigrees him and they both laugh and hug! but Triple H pinned a card on Steiner's back when they hugged which says "Triple H has bigger muscles than me" and he outsmarted Steiner becasue he's the cerebral assassinn!

After the camera stop, JR gets in the ring and says "GOOD GAWD FOLKS, HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS WITH YOUR LOVED ONES! REMEMBER TO KISS ALL YOUR FAMILY AND TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM AND THAT YOU LOVE SWEET BABY JESUS. REMEMBER FOLKS, JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THIS SEASON, SO THANK JESUS FOR DYING SO YOU COULD GET PRESENTS OR YOU'LL DAMN SURE GO TO HELL!"

And it was the best show EEEEEEEEVER!

FESTIVE SIGN IDEAS!

All I want for Christmas is Stacy's legz...in my bed!

Jeff Hardy's gonna have a WHITE Christmas, if you smell what he's sniffing!

Big Show ATE Christmas!

Eddy stole the (magic) hubcaps from Santa's sleigh!

You can't spell Christmaz without C R Z!

And now finally some Christmas wishes and some new year's resloutoins from some WWE superstars!

Tazz: Yeah, merry Christmas, yeah! Gonna have a great Christmas in the Tazz house, yearh, we got turkey, chicken and a pig, yeah, all that crap, yeah as they say in basbell, home run! Yeah! I hit the egg nog a little early...Northern lights suplex Cole, that's a northern lights suplex! Brooklyn style!

Stone Cold Steve Austin: What? You want to know old Stone Cold's new year's resolutions? What? Well let me tell you something son, in 2003, old Stone Cold wants to get his hands on a certain long haired, whiney, blond, bitch and beat the crap out of them! That blond bitch has caused me a lot of pain this year and they're name...is Triple H! What? I will get my win back from No Way Out! What?

Stephanie McMahon: Well some guy had a sign saying I'm fat, so I want some liposuction for Christmas.

Brad Shaw: I want my damn arm to heal in time for Christmas! A lot of young, fit, young, supple young men have joined the WWE since I've been injured and I want to fu...give them a proper welcome!

Hulk Hogan: Dude, all the Hulkster wants to do next year is have one last match. Or maybe two last matches. Okay, you twist my arm (the largest arm in the world, brother!) make it 12 last matches! But I insist on losing at least one of them! By DQ.

Dean Malenko: I'm still waiting for that huge retirment match on pay per view! Why are you laughing at me!?

Chris Jericho: I want all you spotty greasy little internet assclowns to show me the respect I deserve, you losers!

But we already do show you the respect you deserver Jericho...NO RESPECT! ROTFLMAO!

Back next year, doodz! Thanx for supporting Hot Newz in 2002! Have a Mizzerry Chrizzistmas and a Hizzappy Newz (lol) year and I'll see u in 2izz003!!!!!!!!!1

LESNAR AND ANGLE TO TAG TEAM IN THE OLYMPICS? NIDIA TO POSE NUDE IN PLAYBOY? BUZZ ALDRIN TO RETURN TO THE MOON? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF ALBERT SHAVING HIS LEGS AND BACK AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

25/12/01 - Christmas Special!

MERRY CHRISMAS TO ALL MY HOMIEZ! I am back wit a festive hot newz special!!! And Chrismas rizzules because I am getting the titon tron talking arena!!!! and the big newz is taht the Big Bossman is BACK and is getting a main event push!!!! And Bossman has been working in a prison for two years and all the prisoners loved him but he got teh wrestling bug and returned to the WWF! And Bossman will wrestle in a suit now and renew his feud with Big Show when he reveales that hes sleeping with Shows mother!

Undertakers matchs with Hardy Boyz were SHOOTS! And the Hardyz are in the dog house because Jeff arrived two minutes late for raw and Matt didn't ask before he used the bathroom! And Taker is the consceince of the WWF so he beat some respect into them! And Crash Holly forgot to brush his teeth last week so Taker will chokeslam him off the titan tron!

As u know, The Game HHH will come back on Januart 7 JUST LIKE I SAID LAST WEEK!!!!! But now he'll come out wearing a rubber Frakenstien mask and JR will say "WHO THE FUCK IS THAT, KING?" and he'll start to take the mask off but the show will end and it'll be a cliff hanger!!!!!

THE YEAR IN REVIEW PART ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2001 and was a great year becuze Trllionaire Ted finally realised that double ya see double ya SUXED and he sold it to Shane O MacMahon! but then vince put WCW out of business permanently and everyone was happy! part two next week where I review the feud between Lita and China!

The WWF taped Smackdown last night so that the wrestlers can get home in time for the holidayz! And I was at Smackdown last night so here is some spoillers!!!!!!

Lilian Garcia sings the national anthem!!!! And I could see up her skirt!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vince McMahon comes out dressed at Santa Claus! And he says he'll let all the ladies of the WWF sit on his lap and he'll give them a special VKM present from his big sack! And first Stacy Keibler gives him a lap dance! But then this big women we've never seen before comes out and gives Vince a rock bottom and takes off her wig and she's The Rock!!!!! And Rocky sez "you pervert, you ain't Santa Clause, your SATAN CLAWZ if you smellalalalalala what I'm cooking!".

Next match was Tazz vs Christian! And Christian won in 18 seconds when he hit Tazz with a turkey! And then Christian said "I like my turkey with stuffing...brick stuffing!" and he pulled a brick out of the turkey!

Test is backstage and he's holding missletoe over his head! And he tells Trish that she has to kiss him so he does. Then he holds the Missletoe over his CROTCH! and Trish sayz close your eyes but when he opens them MAE YOUNG is standing their in a elf costume! And Test says "HOLY SHIT,
NOOOOOOOOOO!".

Next was Hurricane vs Tajiri! And Hurricane sez "hey Torrie do you want to be my new sidekick you can be breast woman what do you think babe?" and Torrie sez "sure" and Tajiri goes old school ECDUBYA crazy on everyone and spits green mist on Tajiri and red mist on Mighty Molly and PURPLE mist on Torrie! And then he puts the tararantulla on Torrie but SICK BOY makes the save!!!!!!!!!!! and Scott Vick has finally debuted after two years and he pukes cause he had 2 much Christmass pudding and he gets fired the next day!

Lance Storms asked Rick Flair to give him a crappy oponent so he can get a win so Flair sez Storm can fight a dead man!!! And lance says "oh boy this will be easy Ill win for canada" but the dead man is undertaker!!!!!!!!!!! And undertaker NO SALES everything Lance does then tombstons him thru the spanish announcer table!!!!!!!!

Next match was Dudlyez vs Tajiri and Torrie Wilson but I missed teh match becauze this girl was flashing the crowd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and she flashed me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And later that night she and me get together and I'm no Fred Flinston but I rocked her bed ;-)!!!!!

Next vince MacMahon was angry backstage!!!!! And he was saying BAH HUMBUG to everyone so Patterson and Briscoe (they r back!!!) decided to Scrooge him!!!!!!!! So Patterson dressed up as a scary ghost to scare vince and he went into Mcmahons office but it was LINDA McMahon's office!!!!!! And Linda was so scared that she actually showed emoteon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next match was Edge was William Regal and Regals nose started bleeding all over the place and Edge slid on the blood and Regal is the new Intercontenintal champion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next was Lita vs Jackie in a christmas present match!!!!!! and they were both wearing HIZZOT santa outfits they had to open this big Chrismas present and Jackie opened it and it was Haku!!!!! And Haku put them in a double tongan death grip and dragged them backstage for a merry somoan Christmas!!!! :-)

Next Booker Tea was hiding from Austin again!!!!!!!!! and this week he was hiding on the set of Enterprise cause both shoes are on TNN and it was cross promoteon!!! And he was sitting in the captian's chair but then Austin appeared on the view screen! And Austin sez "i aint on Klingon what and I aint no vulcan what I am from planet REDNECK! WHat?" And Booker runs away and he runs into the transporter room!!! and he tries to transport away cuz he doesnt realise it's only a set cuz he is dumb!! And then Booker grabs a phaser but that don't work neither!!!! but then that hot Vulcan chick with the rack appears and stops austin from opening a can of whoop ass and sez "this ship is a sanctury for peace and love" and Booker runs away and Austin sez "peace and love this ya big eared bitch" and stuns her and Scott Bakula cheers!

Next was the main event

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and it was Jerich vs rvd and rvd busted Jericho open with a stiff kick then Jericho botched the lion sault then the lifts fell out his boots and he ran away and RVD thanked the fanz for coming and the show was over!!!! and it was the best WWF show EEEEEEEVER!

that's allmost it for this week but I decided to get some festive wishes from WWF superstars and here they are merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!1

Tazz: Yeah, Christmas, Brooklyn style, yeah, we didn't have no tree down in the Hook, no, we hads a SHRUB and we didn't have none of dat fancy turkey, no, all we hads was a roasted RAT between 17 of us, yeah, and if anyone came down our chimmney I'D CHOKE THEM OUT!

JR: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS, YOU WERE THE ORIGINAL HOSS BY GAWD!

Brad Shaw: I hope Billy Silverman is having a merry Christmas....on the unemployment line! HA HA HA!

Godfather: What does the Godfather want for Christmas? Ho ho ho! I want a sweater.

Dean Malenko: Merry Christmas! Maybe 2002 will be the year when Vince gives me a big retirement match on PPV! What? Why are you laughing?

Stone Cold Steve Austin: Merry, what, Christmas, what, and, what, a, what, happy, what, new, what, year, what?

Big Bossman: I'm going to have a fine Christmas dinner...I'm eating Pepper the dog and Big Show's dead daddy!

Trish: Well we don't have Christmas up here in Canada, but merry Christmas anyway!

Kane: All I want for Christmas is a new voice box so I get more mic time!

OMG KANE IS A COMEDIAN, ROTFLMFAO!!! Back next week wit more hot newz!

(Please credit HotWWFNewz and SlashWrestling when stealing these newz itemz, doodz.)

JACKIE TO HAVE BREAST IMPLANTS? TODD PETTINGZOO TO RETURN? RANDY SAVAGE TO WRESTLE HULK HOGAN OH THE ROOF OF A CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL? VINCE RUSSO TO START E-FED? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF STEPHANIE MCMAHON, ON THE BEACH, IN A THONG, WHILE TRIPLE H RUBS HER DOWN WITH SUN TAN LOTION AND TOUCHES HER THIGHS CLICK HERE!!!!!!