14/12/08 - A Hot Newz Christmas Carol!

OMG I am back with a Christmas Special! This year is different and it is EXTRA special because instead of giving you hot newz and hot interviews and pictures of hot women like I have done in the past (women by email on request!) I am instead presenting to you a movie script I have written! It is a movie about THE ROCK based on the Shakespeare classic "Scrooged" and I hope to sell it to a MAJOR Hollywood studio! The cast will be obvious once you read the script and I know they'll all be JONESING to appear! Anyway, here is the script, make sure to tell your friends especially if your friends are major hollywood producers!

SCIZZOGED

Written by Hot Newz

Directed by Hot Newz

Executive Producers Hot Newz and SoCal Val

(The Rock and Megan Fox are having dinner at a fancy restaurant.)

Megan: I'm so glad I decided to come out with you, Dwayne.

Rock: And I'm glad you dumped that Terminator loser guy!

Megan: No one even watches that show!

Rock: Haha, I bet they go to a lot of effort with the scripts and everything. Losers. All they need is explosions and catchphrases and eye-brow raising, baby!

Megan: Let's skip the rest of dinner even though it cost a thousand bucks and go straight to bed. FOR SEX!

Rock: Haha, sure baby. A thousand buck is chump change to the...to me. To Dwayne. SEX!

(A young boy comes over to the table.)

Boy: My dad said not to disturb you but I knew you'd sign an autograph for me because you are a good man and I'm one of the millions and millions of fans!

Rock: Sure kid, Dwayne will sign you an autograph...

Boy: Dwayne? I want the Rock's autograph!

Megan: He wants a Rockograph!

Rock: What? TO HELL WITH THAT. I ain't the Rock no more, I hate wrestling. Beat it, jab...you bum!

Boy: Aaaah!

(The boy runs away in fear.)

Megan: That wasn't very nice.

Rock: Shut your mouth, ho!

Megan: How dare you!

Rock: Look, are we going to have sex or not?

Megan: Not afer you call me a ho!

Rock: Well then...do you like pancakes?

Megan: Umm, yes.

Rock: THEN PANCAKE YOUR ASS OUT OF HERE! THEN EAT SOME PANCAKES, SKINNY. I don't need you...I've got someone better to share my bed with.

(CUT TO Rock rolling around in bed...with lots of bank notes!)

Rock: Money money money! You're all I need! I don't need Megan Fox or wrestling fans! I don't need a soul!

(The phone rings. He sighs and answers.)

Rock: I'm with the money, what do you want?

Agent: Got you a new film role! Well, I don't know if you'll want to do it, the script is pretty poor, piss poor actually...

Rock: Am I getting paid more than ever before?

Agent: Yes, and there's lots of explosions and an annoying kid, but...

Rock: Then what are you waiting for? SIGN ME UP AND DON'T BOTHER ME AGAIN!

Agent: Okay. Merry Christmas for tomorrow.

Rock: Oh, it's Christmas tomorrow?

Agent: Uhh, yeah...

Rock: BAH HURRICANE-BUG!

(He smashes down the phone.)

Rock: Can just by a new one!

(He goes to sleep. CUT TO later that night. The Rock is lying in bed, asleep.)

Rock: Roody poo...candy ass...layin' the smackdown...

Voice: So you STILL talk trash in your sleep?

(The Rock wakes up.)

Rock: Who's that, who's there!?

Voice: Oh I THINK YOU BETTER RECOGNISE just who the hell I am!

(D'Lo Brown steps out of the shadows. DRESSED A GHOST.)

Rock: You're not dead!

D'Lo: No, but my career is!

Rock: What are you doing here?

D'Lo: You will be visited by three ghosts tonight!

Rock: So another two after you.

D'Lo: No, not including me.

Rock: Right, so four ghosts then.

D'Lo: I suppose so.

Rock: Well why didn't you just say that in the first place!?

D'Lo: Look, it's hardly the point! The point is that you must change your ways! Stop being a Hollywood phoney and start caring about your fans and wrestling again.

Rock: Never!

D'Lo: It's not too late to change! Look at the Great Khali, he hated America and tried to kill The Undertaker, the symbol of all that is good in America, but he discovered a new love for the USA when he started kissing fat american broads! You can do the same thing!

Rock: I'm not kissing no large women! Billy Gunn tried to make me do that once...but that was in another lifetime.

D'Lo: Change your ways! Change your waaaaaays!

(D'Lo backs out of the room making spooky hand gestures.)

Rock: I'm never going back to wrestling and caring about my fans. Never!

(The Rock goes back to sleep. Later that night a banging wakes him up.)

Rock: Who is it this time?

Ghost: I am the ghost of WWF past!

Rock: No, you're just D'Lo again but in a false moustache.

D'Lo in a false moustache: Remember when I had a moustache when we were in the Nation together? That's what this is.

Rock: Just get out of here, you bum! I got to sleep, man, I've got Christmas tomorrow, Christmas with my money!

D'Lo: Not Christmas with THE MUMMY?

Rock: I was in The Mummy Returns, not The Mummy.

D'Lo: Oh. Anyway, look at your past! On his latop. LOOOOOK!

(D'Lo plays a YouTube video on his latop of Rocky Maivia's debut at Survivor Series 96.)

Rock: Damn, look at that pineapple headed jabroni...oh, it's me.

D'Lo: See the simple pleasure you got out of slapping hands with kids and pinning Goldust with a shoulder breaker. You can have that all over again!

Rock: Goldust's still got a job?

D'Lo: Amazingly yes!

Rock: Well unlike him I've moved on!

D'Lo: Oh yeah? Is what you're doing with your life now really more worthwhile than THIS?

(D'Lo plays a YouTube of The Rock hitting Ken Shamrock with a killer chairshot.)

Rock: Haha, no wonder he's lost his last 40 MMA fights after all those chairshots! Still, I don't miss that life.

D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?

(He clicks out another YouTube link, but the "this video has been removed due to a copyright claim by WWE" message comes up.)

D'Lo: Hold on, let me find another link...

(He keeps searching, then closes his browser by mistake.)

D'Lo: Shit...just hold on...

Rock: Look, I do have to sleep, and I've got two more ghosts coming before the night's over...

D'Lo: The sound quality is crap on on this one! Okay, I'll just turn it up...

(It's the video of the Rock versus Hulk Hogan from WrestleMania 18.)

D'Lo: NOT EVEN THIS?

Rock: No! Those jabroni mothercanuckers booed The Rock out of the building!

D'Lo: They booed...The Rock?

Rock: I mean, me. They booed me. I'm not the Rock anymore!

D'Lo: Change your ways. CHANGE YOUR WAAAAYS!

(D'Lo backs out of the room making ghostly hand gestures.)

Rock: I ain't changing for him or nobody. What a roody...rude person.

(Rock goes back to sleep for 18 seconds before another ghost shows up.)

Ghost: I AM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENT!

Rock: I'm going to gift wrap you, take a bow, turn that sumbitch sideways and....make another movie. Go away!

Ghost: No. NOOOOO!

Rock: Who are you anyway, you sound familiar...

(It's Tony Atlas!)

Tony Atlas: It's Tony Atlas!

Rock: Well that makes less sense than D'Lo! You were friends with my dad, not part of my present!

Atlas: Yeah, but I'll do anything for money. ANYTHING.

Rock: Yeah, that's true. Well, what do you want?

Atlas: I have something to show you...downstairs...

Rock: Whoah there, uncle Tony, my dad knows about that, don't try it again...

Atlas: No, I mean REALLY downstairs.

Rock: Oh.

Atlas: And you were seventeen at the time so it wasn't even all that bad. Anyway, follow me.

(Rock follows Atlas downstairs and out of his mansion.)

Rock: Wait, we're going to that stinky little hut in the garden?

Atlas: That stinky little hut is where your butler lives.

Rock: Is it? Why would he want to live there? Eww.

Atlas: You only pay him in change you find down the back of your sofa!

Rock: Hey, I gave him a hundred dollar bill the other day.

Atlas: Three months ago!

Rock: Pah, that's enough to feed a starving family for three months...I used to eat dust sandwiches when I was in the USWA...I think...I can't really remember.

Atlas: Look through the window.

Rock: What am I looking at?

Atlas: Umm, them unwrapping their Christmas present...but it will probably be another four hours before they do, given that it's the middle of the night...I should have come later, really.

FOUR WHOURS LATER

Rock: ...and that's the story of how I saved Christopher Walken's career. Now for the story of what really happened to Natalie Wood...

Atlas: Never mind, it's time! BEHOLD!

(Through the window, the young boy from the restaurant is unwrapping his one and only present.)

Rock: Oh, so that's who he was...guess I should have recognised the little jabroni.

Boy: Dad, what is this?

Dad: It's a collection of every movie The Rock has ever been in, on DVD!

Rock: What a great present!

Boy: Oh.

(He throws them down.)

Dad: What's wrong, son?

Boy: Daddy, I hate The Rock! He's mean and his movies suck! I mean, Gameplan? SERIOUSLY?

Dad: Now son, don't be ungrateful, it's thanks to the Rock that we have this lovely house...

Boy: This house is horrible!

Dad: Hey!

Boy: The Rock sucks! I'd rather have The Marine on DVD than these abortions.

Dad: You don't mean that, son.

Boy: I do. I'd rather have Mister Kennedy's movie!

Dad: You've gone too far!

(The father grabs the son and starts spanking him.)

Boy: Oww!

Dad: TAKE. YOUR. MEDECINE.

Rock: Damn!

Atlas: Uhh, I didn't think that was going to happen. But you see the point? Your young fans have lost all faith in you and your movies suck.

Rock: Hey, I made Doom.

Atlas: Exactly!

Rock: Hmm...but wrestling...I'm so much better than that.

Atlas: Oh, you think you're better than me, do you, better than Tony Atlas and Big Mark Henry?

Rock: Yes!

Atlas: Okay, fair point. There's still one more ghost to come, maybe he can change your mind.

Rock: Who's it going to be? Tazz?

Atlas: Oh, you'd like it to be Tazz, wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU?

(Atlas runs away. The Rock shrugs and goes back to bed. Twelves seconds later a ghost awakes.)

Rock: Hi Tazz...wait, you're not Tazz...

Ghost: It's me! D D P!

Rock: Who?

DDP: Me! Look at my hands!

Rock: God you're old. How can you be the Ghost of Christmas Future?

DDP: Because you'll be old some day, Rock. Old and wrinkly like me! And like me you could end up alone, Kimberley having left you for Bischoff, WWE, TNA and not even MEXICO returning your calls! But that's not a bad thing! That's a good thing.

Rock: It is?

DDP: Nah, it's a bad thing. I'm just trying to get all my catchphases in. BANG! Hey, you know that hand signal Hitler used to do? That was the self HEIL five!

Rock: Just show me whatever you've got to show me.

DDP: Okay.

(DDP pops a DVD on. It is of the latest Impact.)

Rock: Hey, Mickey Faulty! Foley? Something like that. I wondered what happened to that guy. Why are you showing me him? To show the dangers of eating too many pies?

DDP: BEHOLD.

Rock: You been hanging out with Tony Atlas?

DDP: He's a cool guy.

(Foley is talking to Jim Cornette backstage.)

Foley: ...remember that Boiler Room Brawl I had with the Big Show? Funny story about that match, Vince Russo came up to me before it and said "Mick, you're gonna have to hit Big Show with a bottle of lemonade" and I said "No way Vince, I ain't doing that!" But then I had a change of heart and decided I would do it, then during the match I'm looking for my bottle of lemonade, can't find it! Turns out Mideon, that tattooed tough guy, drank it before the match. Then Mideo peed in Viscera's boots! Crazy days. Great days. I miss them so much. But hey, I'm having a lot of fun here in TNA! It reminds me of when I was in ECW and Steve Austin was wrestling on one show and before his match I said "hey Steve, you can use my big elbow drop if you want!" He didn't use it. Great guy though. It's a shame him and Debra didn't stay together...

Rock: Enough! This is painful! It has nothing to do with TNA's product, it's just Mick rambling on!

DDP: Exactly!

Rock: What do you mean, exactly? This has no relevance to me, I'm not going to end up like that.

DDP: Are you sure?

Rock: Yeah, it's impossible.

DDP: Impossible? No. Highly, HIGHLY unlikely? Yes. But NOT impossible. And you need to be aware of that, Rock. Just imagine, if you will, for a moment that your movie career fails because you've been in nothing but bad movies and refuse to star in anything good. Just IMAGINE that the money's running out because your ex wife has turned into a bitch and wants more for your stinking kids. But worse than that, imagine that you're not famous anymore! Imagine that no one knows who you are or cares about you anymore. Imagine that the ONLY WAY to be famous again is to return to wrestling, but the WWE won't hire you because of the way you treated D'Lo Brown and Tony Atlas, two great and much loved men, a couple of years earlier. Your ONLY OPTION is to go to TNA and then, like Foley, all you can do is talk about the times you used to be great in pointless backstage segments with Jim Cornette and Jeremy Borash. You cannot deny that there is a chance, even the smallest chance in the world, that this COULD happen. You cannot deny that. And you can't take the chance that it could happen.

(The Rock looks horrified.)

Rock: My God, you're right. I'm returning to WWE this instant!

DDP: BANG!

(DDP runs away. The Rock goes to the window. The butler's son is outside.)

Rock: You boy, what day is this?

Boy: What, you don't have a calendar? You can't just turn on the radio or tv?

Rock: Just tell me!

Boy: Why sir, it's Christmas day. You miserable old Scrizzoge!

Rock: Oh really?

(The Rock takes some of the money he's been sleeping with and throws it out of the window.)

Kid: Yay, money! Thanks Rock! This will stop dad from hitting me!

Rock: Don't mention it, kid!

Kid: Hmm...it does smell funny though.

Rock: That's strange.

(Rock takes a step back from the window.)

Rock: Better not tell him I've been masturwanking with that cash.

A WEEK LATER

(The Rock is meeting with Vince McMahon in Vince's office.)

Vince: ...then it's agreed, you'll return full time starting this week on RAW.

Rock: I can't believe I'm back! It feels so good. No more crappy movies!

Vince: Haha, yeah. I heard you were dating Megan Fox by the way, how did that end?

Rock: I realised she's horribly overrated.

Vince: Ha, glad you did, pal! There's lots of hot divas you can sleep with here anyway.

Rock: I assume Trish Stratus, Stacey Keibler and Torrie Wilson are still employed?

Vince: Umm...I think they all died or something. But there's Kelly Kelly! She has an improbable name.

Rock: I like her already!

(They shake hands and The Rock leaves. D'Low Brown, Tony Atlas and DDP step out of the shadows.)

Vince: Well done, all of you. Here's a crisp hundred dollar bill each.

Atlas: Just like The Rock did for his butler!

D'Lo: This is going straight n the bank!

Vince: Yeah, you both better save...since you're both FIRED. Sorry, you both suck and I need to pay the Rock's huge salary. GET THEM OUT OF HERE!

(The Basham Brothers (they're still alive!) drag D'Lo and Tony Atlas away.)

DDP: Well, what about me? You promised me a job if I talked the Rock back!

Vince: No, I promised not to kick you in the face if you got down on your knees and begged for a job.

DDP: Oh, right, so you did. Sorry.

(DDP gets down on his knees.)

DDP: Please give me a job!

(Randy Orton runs in and kicks DDP in the face.)

Vince: No!

THE END

BIG DADDY V REPLACING THE ROCK IN STRAIGHT TO DVD GAMEPLAN SEQUEL? CHIRSTY HEMME'S NEW PUSH NOT AT ALL CONNECTED TO THE FACT THAT SHE'S BEEN SPOTTED LEAVING VINCE RUSSO'S HOTEL ROOM AT 3AM WITH VISIBLE ORGASM FACE? CHRISTOPHER DANIELS/CURRY MAN TO RETURN AS A NEW DOINK BUT THEY CAN'T KILL HIM DOINK SO THEY CALL HIM "BOINK" BUT THE WWE STILL SUES EVEN AT THAT SO THEY SCRAP THE GIMMICK AND HE GOES BACK TO CURRY MAN WITH NO EXPLANATION? MIKE ADAMLE ADMITS THAT HE FAKED KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT WRESTLING TO GET FIRED AND HE'S ACTUALLY HARDCORE RING OF HONOR FAN? PLUS ACTUAL GENUINE, NOT EVEN LYING THIS TIME, HONESTLY CLICK THE LINK TO SEE, PICS OF THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE ON A NUDIST BEACH AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

4/2/07 - Top 100, part five (20-1), A MUST READ!

OMG I am back with the LAST PART EVER of the Hot Newz 100! It's been a long road getting to here from there but finally it's all OVER and I can rest in peace! And by that I mean get some sleep, Hot Newz is NEVAR going to die! Well, maybe when I'm old I suppose...OMG I hope that doesn't happen for a long time! Anyway the response to the last update was literally some emails being sent and now I'll answer YER queeries and concerns!

SlapButts writes

How can Kurt Angle not be number one you fuckstick?

How can he not be number one? Umm, let me think. How about the fact that he's NOT NUMBER ONE, DEAL WITH IT!?!?

PuroRoss writes

Your ignorane of Japanese wrestling is truly astounding.

Thank you very much!

ROHbot writes

Where's CM Punk?

Maria's bed!

StanSerious writes

If The Rock is number one I'm never reading you again!

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Okay that's enough queeries and cuncerns, let's get on with what you all PAID to see, the top twenty wrestlers in the world EVER in the opinion of my opinion!

20 - Rob Van Dam: We start with the biggest and best star in ECDUB history, Mister 4:20 himself, the pot-smoking, piss-taking, one of a kind, Rob Van "points to thumbs" Dam! And since ECDUB is the best wrestling company in history it makes sense that there biggest star would be one of the best wrestlers in history! Before RVD came along nobody had EVER fused karate and wrestling like he did! He invented moves like the five star frog splash, rolling thunder, split-legged moonsault and Van Damnination! RVD's matches were SO exciting for a while that Heyman told him to calm down in case he excited some of the fans in attendance to DEATH! Sadly ECDUB went out of business through no fault of Paul Heyman's (the banks should have given him more time to pay!) and RVD was forced against his will to take a job with the WWE because he has children and a pot habbit to support and now he just wrestlers WWE style but occasionally hits a STIFF KICK because he's a rebel trying to bring down the system from the inside!

FUN FACT: RVD had 420 five star matches in ECDUB!

19 - Chris Jericho: Welcome to the Hot Newz 100 is Jericho! And he is the new millennium in the Hot Newz Wrestling Federation! For those of you who don't know him, his name is Chirs Jericho. Your new hero! Your party host! And most importantly of all, the most charismatic man ever to enter your home via a television screen! Apart from The Rock, obviously! Chris Jericho was trained by his best friend Lance Storm and made his debut in CANADA for some canadian company before making it to the big time in ECW! He then signed with WCW doing a gimmick where he was the most boring wrestler in the world for three years before turning heel and becoming cooler than the Fonz and Superman put together! He famously called Dean Malenko "a boring old fart" and Juvi a "boring masked fart" as well as stealing jokes from Spinal Tap and doing a funny walk! Someone in the WWF sat up and took notice of this and they signed him to a ten million dollar contract and he debuted to feud with the Rock in the MAIN EVENT! However DX decided he didn't know how to work so he was put in a feud with Chyna to teach him how to work. Jericho eventually "paid his dues" by falling off the ropes in a match with Rhyno at Summerslam and became one of three men to win the undisputed title, the others being HHH and Hulk Hogan, so he can now go down in the history books as that! He is currently pretending to be a rock star.

CATCHPRHASE: "C'mon baby, I'm gonna jamma your mamma!"

18 - Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat: Uh oh, here comes trouble! Well known pranktster Ricky Steamboat (real name Richard Steabiusboatius) is one of Ric Flair's best friends and favorite opponents! Not only that he is also a greight wrestler in his own right having had legendary matches with Randy Savage and Jake Roberts and maybe Haku in the WWF all throughout 1988! The "Dragster" as he liked to be known then signed to WCW for the big bucks and had 18 legendary matches with Ric Flair, so legendary that any true wrestling fan can recite them move for move (armdrag, chop, backdrop, kick to the leg, figure four, roll-up, reversal!) Sadly he next feuded with the then inexperienced "Stunning" Steve Austin who broke Steamboat's back in two with a sloppy suplex! Steamboat had to retire from wrestling FOREVER as a result but he now works backstage for the WWE doing stuff!

FUN FACT: Ricky Steamboat stole the armdrag from Japan and did NOT invent it himself!

17 - Scott Hall: The famous drunken wrestler actually used to be a famous SOBER wrestling and a damn good one at that! Hall made his debut for the WWF as "The Bad Seed" Razon Ramon back when he was pretending to be a Cuban and immediatley got pushed to the main event due to the cuban missile crisis being in the newz at the time! Hall had a legendary feud with Randy Savage and later the "1,2,3...6!" Kid, better known as X-Punk. He lost most of the matches but looked super machismo in doing so! Hall earned his workrate reputation in two classic ladder matches (the first was the first ladder match EVER, ANYWHERE) against Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 10 and Summerslam 10. Both won match of the year honors in ever poll that counts (the Hot Newz poll!) and Hall got a 500,000 dollar bonus for each match because he was putting his chiseled body on the line in there with ladders, making him a millionaire! Hall then SOLD OUT to WCW and wasted his millions on drugs and women and booze and keying limos and now looks really old and scary! My friend Beau met him once and said he was "quite tall!"

CATCHPHRASE: "Say hello to my little friend!" - used on sixty year old women!

16 - Stone Cold Steve Austin: I know you're all thinking "WHAT!?" and not just because it was his annoying catchphrase, you're all wondering why old Stone Cold is only at number sixteen! And when I think back to his many great technical wrestling classics when he was in the Hollyweird Blondes with Flyin' Brian Pillman, even I wonder why he's so low! Well I'll tell you, despite all this he eventually became LAZY and started wrestling WWF main event style, nothing but punches, kicks, brawls up the aisle and attempted piledrivers reversed to a backdrop on the floor! Yes his fans will argue that he had a bad neck (boo hoo!) at this point but that doesn't stop him from mat wrestling, does it!? Let's face it, old Stone Cold SOLD OUT when he became a megastar by not mat wrestling anymore! That aside he deserves credit for bringing 99% of the people who currently watch wrestling to the sport and for that time he had the Alliance sing "Wind Beneath My Ring" to him!

FUN FACT: Austin's wife told him to finish his dinner before it got "stone cold." So he gave her a stunner!

15 - The Dynamite Kid: Also known as the British BullCAT (by nobody)! Dynamite is Davey Boy Smith's uncle and made his debut in England in the seventies when wrestling was real and Elvis and The Beatles battled it out on the airwaves! He quickly won the English wrestling title aged just 12 from a tough boy of 15! He was spotted by crazy old Stu Hart who kidnapped him and took him to the Hart Dungeon where he kept him prisoner for years during which time Dynamite was trained to be the greatest wrestler in the world! Dynamite eventually escaped but didn't press charges against the Harts because he appreciated what they had done for him, toughening him up! He went to Japan and had some legendary matches with The Tiger Man, The Great Mutant and of course Taka Michinoku's dad! He then joined the WWF where he tragically broke his back on the Ultimate Warror's trapdoor and had to retire. He currently lives somewhere on Englad and grows turnips!

FUN FACT: Much like Steamboat, Dynamite was a famous "ribber" and once injected milk into Davey Boy's scrotum "as a rib" and the Bulldog fell into a coma for three days!

14 - Trish Stratus: The last AND THE LAST woman to make the list, Trish is so good at wrestling than you can watch her matches and sometimes think she's actually a man with a blond wig, fake tits and a hot ass! But she's not, she's ALL woman believe me (I've seen the pics!) and she's also CANADIAN which means she was trained by Stu Hart and Lance Storm in the dungeon to make her extra tough as you can tell by those stiff forearms and chick kicks she does! Trish also invented the Matrix move, later stole by Trinity in the Matrix and even though the Stratusfaction looks fake it's still better than the pedigree! Trish has carried talentless lumps like Victoria, Molly Holly and worst of all Jazz (eww!) to great matches and even that match with Jackie Gayda wasn't THAT bad like everyone said it was! Trish has retired because her boyfriend was sick of her coming home with bruises and he wears the pants in the relationship (making it a helathy relationship!) but we'll always have the memories and the mammaries!

CATCHPHRASE: Tee hee, tee hee, hee hee, hee hee, oooooooh!

13 - Edge: You think you know him? Well did you know that he's the 13th best wrestler ever? You do now! Edge is so cool that it's obvious that if HE was the one married to Stephanie he'd be the one getting clean wins over everyone like HHH, but instead he has to make do with cheap, badly-booked wins to make him look bad but he STILL looks good! He's one of those guys who you'd say "I'm not gay, BUT" to...if you were bicurious which I'm NOT by the way! Edge debuted in Canada with his brother Christian and best friend Rhyno as the "Three Sexy Guys" group and they went around being sexy and stuff until they ended up in the WWE where rather than being sexy they were DEADLY! Edg'es ladder matches with the Hardyz were all five stars and the match where he beat Cena in two minutes at New Year's Revolution was five stars on the ENJOYMENT scale! Hopefully the WWE will see senses soon and let him win all his matches clean and break him up with the RKOverrated Randy Orton and give him another hot red head to replace Lita and more!

FUN FACT: Edge and Lita used to do it in Matt's swimming pool and when he would come out they'd say they were just "doing the breast stroke!"

12 - Eddie Guerrero: And there's not a damn thing Vikki or Chavo can do about it! Few people know this but Eddie was actually a big star in his native Mexico long before he made it to the promised land of the US states! He once wrestled in front of 50,000 Mexicans in the classic "Hair versus more hair" match against "The Lovely Machine" Art Barr! Eddie eventually made it to ECDUB and had some technical classics with Dean Malenko (who else!) before he was STOLE against his will by Eric Bischoff and FORCED to wrestle in crappy WCW! Eddie made da best of a bad situation by having classic matches with Rey Mysterio including their classic "hair versus Rey's mask" match on Halloween one year! Eddie won that match and Rey had to unmask FOREVER but the WWE put him back in a mask because they don't respect Mexicans but that's another story! Eddie eventually made it to the WWF where he won our hearts and minds by stealing from old women and stuff as well as carrying the useless football loving Brock Lesnar to a great match where he became the first Mexican EVER to hold the WWF title (Tito Santana does not count! Oh shit, that reminds me, I forgot to put Tito Santana on the list!) Eddie sadly died in 2005 but he loves on in all our hearts and in the WWE's tastless exploititve storylines!

FUN FACT: Eddie is NOT dominic's real dad, he just played him on tv!

11 - TAKA Michinoku: The first Japanese wrestler to ever make it big in the WWF and with good reason, Taka is the greatest Japanese wrestler to ever step foot in Japan! He won all the Japanese titles with ease and his workrate was truly amazing, even the president of Japan said "he very good worker, yes!" Taka carried the unknown "Great Sazooky" to a five star match at Canadian Stampede and as we ALL know also had that legendary five star match with HHH on RAW at one time! The match was soo good in fact that HHH got ASCARED of Taka and decided to hold him down because he knew he was a threat to HHH's main event spot! That's why Taka ended up wtih the WORTHLESS American-born (not a real Japanese!) Funaki in the comedy "evil" tag team Kai and Tai. In-deed! However all true TAKA funs remember his two classic matches and also I think he wrestled Sabu in ECDUB which must have been SIX stars! Taka currently runs a sushi restuarant in Japan.

CATCHPHRASE: I choppy-choppy your pee wee!

10 - Waylon Mercy: Even though this list in 99% based on workrate it is 1% based on gimmicks and Waylon Mercy was 100 times by far the best gimmick EVER! Although the character was obviously based on Jack Nicholson's famous "here is Johnny!" character from The Shining Waylon made it his own with fancy shirts, a hat, a smile and more! The character was so creepy that little kids used to pee their pants when Waylon came down the aisle and snapped jobbers necks! Waylon Mercy was truly before his time, paving the way for realistic characters like Mankind and Kane in years to come and also retired UNDEFEATED from the WWF (after having beaten ten jobbers and Spark Plug Holly) he's currently in jail or something.

CATCHPHRASE: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Waylon!

9 - Lou Thez: Known as the hooker but he doesn't sell his body to anyone! Lou Thez was a REAL turn of the century (20th century!) wrestler who beat all the other top REAL wrestlers of the day like Ed "Strangler" Lewis, Gorgeous George and "The Bunny Man" Mike Bunny in REAL fights before becoming a FAKE pro wrestler and maybe feuding with Playboy Buddy Rose, Bruno Sammortino, a young Jesse Ventura, a younger Hulk Hogan and others! No footage of his matches exists but he did write a book which has been translated by top wrestling experts and it says he was the best wrestler of his day and hey anyone who invented the Lou Thez Press and trained Ric Flair (I think) must be top ten material!

FUN FACT: Lou Thez invented the Lou Thez press, the stunner AND drinking beer after your match!

8 - Ric Flair: WHOOOOO! Ric Flair wasn't ALWAYS old, you know! Okay, he has been old for the last twenty years, but before that he was just middle aged! Flair started wrestling after a plane crash ended his career as a pilot and instantly became a big name in the NWA thanks to his flashy style and flashy robes and flashing his ass! Flair used chops and the figure four even back then but also a missle dropkick from the top rope (that's what he's going for when he gets slammed!) and a primitive form of the pedigree known as the "Flair Flop" which he only did once in 1977 but HHH remembered it and turned it into his finished! Flair was a legend in the NWA and WCW and WWF where he would "style and profile" up and down the ring and and pose and stuff as well as wrestling! If you want to see Flair at his best (and not at his BREAST as he is now, lol he's got manboobs) then see his classics with Terry Funker, Dory Funker, Ricky Steamboat and Goldust from the late eighties and be amazed! If you want to see him at his worst...just watch RAW any Monday!

TITLES HELD: WCW title 7 times. NWA title 14 times. WWF title 3 times.

FUN FACT: Yes he's actually a 24 time champion but he says he's only a 16 time champion to make HHH feel better!

7 - Rey Mysterio: Who's that jumping off the sky R E Y, Mysterio, here we go! How do you jump "off the sky" anyway? Well, no matter, Rey Rey is certainly NOT gay gay, he is rather pound for pound the seventh best wrestler ever! Rey is quite simply put the most agile man to ever live. If you've only seen the WWE version then you haven't seen the TRUE agility of Rey back before who blew out both his knees and got old (30)! Back in Mexico when he started and later in ECDUB and WCW (who of course STOLE HIM from ECDUB like they did with Eddie, Benoit, Dean Malenko and Tazz!) Rey used to do a TRIPLE 619 where he would spin around the ropes three times in one go before hitting the kick and also a moonsault where he would flip a full 720 degrees! Obviously the WWE wouldnt let him do these great moves even if his knee had been healthy, but he still managed to work better than anyone on Smackdown history, even carrying that lump Kurt Angle to some classic matches! In fact Rey might have been even high on the list if he hadn't sold out by taking part in the disrespectful Eddie storyline that runs to this day and has confused the hell out of young Dominic! Also it's annoying when he has to keep stopping his mask falling off in some matches.

FUN FACT: Rey attributes his short height to a special macrobiotic diet!

6 - Shawn Michaels: And now we get to the point where the controversial list becomes more controversial than ten Eminems! So many of you think that Shawn should be number one that my inbox will probably EXPLODE! However, so many of you are WRONG! Yes, Shawn is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but he's not perfect! And no, I don't mean because he's a dick backstage who holds down CM Punk (who sucks anyway) I mean sometimes he taps his foot on the mat too many times before the superkick! So I can't, in good conscience, have him at number one. However Shawn has been a great wrestler since the days of the Rock and Roll Rockers back in the eighties, he can bump and sell like NO ONE ELSE and he invented the ladder match, the hell in the cell AND the elimination chamber! He can also technical wrestle when he wants to as you can see in his iron man match (another match type he innovated!) with Bret Hart and he could probably have done Rey-Rey's 720 moonsault before his back injury! HBK will go down in history as one of the top six best wrestlers ever...BUT NOT TOP FIVE!!!!!1

AGE: 39 and 13 months!

5- Bret Hart: OMG the controversary continues! Bret over Shawn, am I crazy!? Well long time Hot Newzaholics will know that no, I am NOT crazy, it's just a fact that Bret Hart is a better wrestler than Shawn Michaels! Whereas Shawn has to resort to flippity-floppity Mexican crap to get over, Bret can have the same effect with a simple punch or kick! That's because he has "excellence of execution" which was taught to him by his old daddy Stewey Hart in the Hart family dungeon deep below Canada! Bret was a great wrestler almost since birth where he had to wrestle with the other twelve Hart brothers every morning to get breakfast! He then grew up and got even better, so good that he became the first Canadian to ever by signed by Vince McMahon's American WWF! Bret was a pro for 17 years wrestling up to 500 times a year and never missing a match, once he was seven hours late for a show but he STILL went out there and wrestled even though the fans and his opponent had all went home! Despite all this loyalty he showed Vince mercilesssly SCREWED Bret out of the title, a screwing so brutal that Bret never wrestled a good match ever again during his five year WCW career. However Bret is still remembered by all true wrestling fans (me) as the fifth best wrestler of all time, brah (brother!)

CATCHPHRASE: And that's why I am the best there is, the best there ever was, and the best is yet to come!

4 - Chris Benoit: Bet you thought he was number one! Well you were wrong again (how many times is that now?) Benoit may be 99.99% and he might have invented chops and German suplexes, but he's not perfect! For a start, he stole the crossface from Perry Saturn. For a second, he can't talk! At all! If you ever listen to him talking all you'll hear is "mumble mumble eh mumble!" However putting all that aside Benoit is a legendary legend! Benoit's workrate is so high that when Stu Hart saw him in the dungeon for the first time he assumed that Dynamite Kid had died and been reborn in Benoit's body! He then called up Dynamite's home in England (they have phones there!) and was amazed when Dynamite answered! Stu took it upon himself to train Benoit and Benoit later took it upon himself to steal Kevin Sullivan's hot wife and then later to jump to the WWF with the R4dic@lz and then to have a five star plus match with Kurt "not even as good as Val Venis" Angle! Truely Benoit belongs at the VERY TOP of this list....save three!

FUN FACT: Benoit has never lost a match by submission!

3 - Shane McMahon: How can I possibly justify this? Easily! It's all about the percentage of great matches he's had! Yes, Shane is not as a real wrestler and technically it's a disgrace that he's even let in a ring. But of the 17 matches he's had, at least 15 have been five ***** star which means he's 97% a great wrestler which is more than even Benoit! Just look at the legendary match with Kurt "Tazz could beat me in a shoot" Angle at King of the Ring where he CARRIED Angle by letting himself be suplexed on glass six times! And then there was the match with Vince where he did a Van Terminator that was twice as good as RVD's (because the WWF ring is twice as long as the ECDUB one) and his great Greenwitch Street Brawl with Test, although you have to give Pete Gas some of the credit in making that one great! All in al I'd say Shane is the best McMahon ever and should run the WWE because he'd bring back Steve Blackman and it would be party time!

FUN FACT: Shane co-owns a restaurant with Steve Blackman!

2 - Blitzkrieg: You are NOT seeing things! If Shane deserves to be number three for being 97% great then surely Blitzkrieg deserves to be number two with a 99% record! Perfectly logical, captain, as Doctor Spock from Star Trek would say! Not much is known about the mysterious masked man from Berlyn Germany. Some say he might even by Alex Wright in a match but that is pure speculation (personally I think he's Taka Michonuko pretending to be German!) What we DO know is that Blitzkrieg wrestled for WCW in 1999 for seven matches and six of them were five star plus and one (with Juvi who was high that day) was five stars! That makes him ALMOST the perfect wrestler statistically! I was lucky enough to see him in his one and only house show match against Phisocisis and it tore the house down! It was so good that my pen ripped right through my notepad! After the match Blitzkrieg said (in German) "I have wrestled the perfect match. Now I retire." He then left wrestling forever to team wtih Bill Gates on Windows XP and rumor has it he is now 300 pounds and converted to Islam! He will always have a special place in my heart.

FINISHING MOVE: Twist-misty-shooting-star-frogsplash-press!

1 - The Rock: SWERVE! Did you actually think that I would have anyone other than the great one, the people's choice, the best damn wrestler there ever was, the star of Doom and Gridiron Gang, the trailblazin', eyebrow raisin', jabroni beatin', pie eatin', talk of the talk, cock of the walk, layin' the smackdown, the people's champ The Rock as number one? If you did think that then you're dumber than Michael Cole, you jabroni! Quite simply put the Rock is a supermack! As soon as he debuted it was obvious that he was the coolest man on the planet, even under that silly Rocky Miava haircut and costume! Yes, the Rock is hardly a technical master like Benoit or Saturn but why should he used technical moves when he can make the girls cream with a simple punch? Also the Rock NEVER once got tired during his matches, he could do the same great moves after twenty minutes as he could do after two, without even showing that he had been hurt by his opponent! That is the mark of a TRUE wrestling great. The Rock was trained by his dad the late high chief Pete Maivia and his grandad Rocky Johnson in the art of wrestling since he was six months old, younger even than Bret Hart! He dominated the WWF back when it was GOOD and really was the most electrocuting man in sports entertainmenet history, the real total package (talking, wrestling, being cool, turning on girls and gays) with all the tools to be the best if you REEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAD what the Hot Newz is writing! The People's elbow did suck though.

FUN FACT: The Rock's dad cheats at poker!

FUN FACT TOO: The Rock came up with D'Lo Brown's "chest protector" gimmick.

CATCHPHRASE: Too many to list!

TITLES HELD: All the good ones!

FUTURE TITLES HE'LL HOLD: An Oscar!

FINISHING MOVE: Bookend.

Well that's it for the Hot Newz 100, hope you liked it and if you didn't then WRITE YOUR OWN LIST YOU HOMO lol back soon with more Hot Newz!

JBL TO QUIT SMACKDOWN AND HOST NEW RIGHT WING TALKSHOW? BIG SHOW SPOTTED AT A RESTAURANT ORDERING A "BUCKET OF EVERYTHING"? TNA SIGNS DREW CAREY TO TEN YEAR DEAL? THE ROCK SO HAPPY ABOUT BEING TOP OF THE HOT NEWZ 100 THAT HE WILL RETURN TO THE WWE AND WRESTLE FULL TIME? PLUS HOT NEAR NUDE NAKED PICS OF ASHLEY FROM PLAYBOY WHICH WERE DEEMED TOO HOT EVEN TO PUBLISH AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

6/9/04

OMFG I am back with more Hot NEwz! I've been gone for teh last year because I've been training to be a wrestler! Yes, while you rest of you DUMB MAKRZ (joke lol I love you guys...but not in a gay way!) have just been sitting in front of da computer writing about how Benoit should have held the world title for two years (whcih he should have, to be fair!) I've been at wrestling skool! And after a month of hard training from top trainers I became a wrestler! And I've been wrestling in indies (wrestling companies that don't appear on tv because they're ELEET and for hardcore fans only!) all over the country since then and I even won a match last week! Well, it was a ten man tag match and I wasnt tagged in, but my team won! And soon I'll get a tryout for the WWE and move to Ohio for OVW Valley wrestling! Then its only a matter of time before I'm called up and could become the next Randy Orton or Eugene!!!!1 And I've also been dating, of course! But I'll give you a full report of my wrestling career (but not the dating you pervertors!) some other time because first there's lots of news to report! This first stories old but it's so big that I HAVE to report it!!!

Stone cold got arrested for hitting a woman again! But this time, he was innocent! Here's what happened: old Stone Cold got married again to a hot Asian prOno star named Tess(!?) two weeks after meeting her, probably because he was drunk! And Stone Cold thoguht to himself "Jesus Christ son I got married to quick again, I've got to get out of this damn relationship!" and then she tried to shoot him but missed and the bullet hit a deer instead and she said she was AIMING for the deer but Stone Cold didn't believe her! So him and his lawyer hatched a plan and Stone Cold took her and the lawyer out to a steak house but after they had their stakes Austin pulled out divorce papers then pulled out a gun of his own(!) and aimed it at her and said "now biatch do what I say son and sign the damn divorce papers and ain't nobody gonna get hurt and I'll give you ten million dollars to leave me alone too so just sign the damn papers you piece of trash what?" But then she grabbed a stake knife and the lawyer said "She's gonna kill us all!" and grabbed the gun from Austin and tried to shoot her...but instead of a bullet, a flag with "BANG 3:16" came out because it was the same fake gun Austin used to make Mister McMahon pee himself on RAW back in 1996! Then Tess stabbed the lawyer anyway but Austin gave her a stunner in self defence and called the police but when they arrived he thought "Damn it son they'll think you hit her! Better get the hell out of here, what!" and he jumped into his pick-up truck and went on the run like OJ! But he was drunk (he's drinks beer with his stake because he's a read blooded AMERICAN!) and crashed into a tree and the police caught him! And that's the Stone Cold truth!

TNA is going to stop doing four ppvs a month and instead do one ppv a month which will cost four times as much as the weekly ones did! This is because Jeff Jarret thinks all his viewers are dumb hillbillies who'll be fooled by this trick and buy the monthly show. At the moment TNA only gets 108 orders a week on ppv, on average! This is because every show has Vince Russo turning heel or face and declaring his love for either the Satan or God and Jeff Hardy (Matt's gay older brother) is the world champion and he's even WORSER than JBL is!

Speaking of Brad "JBL" Shaw, the WWE likes him as the champeon because he's big and can talk but doesnt like him wrestling because he sucks...so they'll just keep him as champion without having him ever wrestle again! Great plan, even I have to take off my hat (an Austin baseball cap!) to that one!

Kurt Angle has became the Triple H of the Smackdown locker room! And by that I don't mean taht he's having sex with Stephanie McMahon (though he probably wants to!) but that's he's holding down Eddie and Cena to make himself look better! Eddie was supposed to win the 2/3 falls match in two straight falls, but five minutes before the match started Kurt went up to Vince McMahon and said "Okay, I have a better idea. How about I win the first fall AND the final fall making it clear than I'm the better wrestler, then Eddie can feud with Luther, as if anybody would care about that, and I can start a LONG feud with The Undertaker. Taker beats JBL for the belt at Survivor Series, where I beat Chris Benoit who's jumped back from RAW. Then I keeep beating Benoit and Eddie, win the Royal Rumble after drawing number one, then wrestle The Undertaker in a one hour iron man match at WrestleMania where the Undertaker puts his career on the line! I win by five falls to one (an intentional DQ) thereby ending Taker's WM winning streak, winning the WWE title AND ending his career all in one night and hold the belt for the rest of 2005. How does that sound?" Then Vince looked up from his newspaper (he wasn't even listening!!!!!) and said "Umm, sure thing, pal!" then Kurt said "whoooo!" WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

WWE has a STRICT new dress policy now where all wrestlers have to wear FULL suits and ties at all times, backstage, when their travelling, or even when they're just going to the shops to buy protein shakes! Except for Triple H who runs around backstage wearing nothing but a leopard skin thong!!!!

The Smackdown You're Vote campagne has started again! And I decided to email some of the country's top politicians to see what they think about that...and they all emailed back! First here's Governator Arnold Swarchaneggar!

"Hohoho, Smackdown your vote, haha, yes, excellent. Hahaha, I love wrestling, it is amazing, it all looks so real, hohohoho. You know, after I filmed my movie END OF DAYS Vince McMahon gave me the World Box Office championship belt for my movie END OF DAYS and I was very proud of that and I have it displayed in a room somewhere in one of my houses next to a poster of END OF DAYS. Haha, I earned it! And no girly men will ever take it away from me, haha! And the WWE Smackdown your vote campaign has earned my respect! It will help stop voter apathy, in fact, it will TERMINATE voter apathy, haha! It'll be the END OF DAYS for voter apathy! And all the girly men and manly girls in the world won't be able to do a thing about it, haha! END OF DAYS!"

Next to reply was Senator John F. Kerry!!

"I fully support the Smackdown Your Vote campaign, I think it's a great idea! You know, when I was in Vietnam, I served with a guy who used to be a wrestler. He told me that he used to be cheered as a hero, but the real heroes were people like him and me who served for their country. I think I saved his life, in fact, twice actually...but I don't like to talk about that. So be a hero, just like people say I was in Vietnam, but I wouldn't say that myself, of course, and support the Smackdown Your Vote campaign. I don't know much about wrestling, but I do know that voting for me would be a good idea! Vietnam! Sorry, typo. I meant...VIETNAM!"

What a masturwanker! Finally I got a reply from the Presidant (of America!) himself, George Dubya Bush!!!

"My fellow Americans: hello. I am sending you this message through the interweb using the magic of "e" mail. May God bless Bill Gates for inventing it. I would like to lend my full support to the Smack Down Your Boat campaign. I think it's a wonderful enterprising idea. I promise all you wrasslin' fans who sign up and vote for me that I will continue to defend America and its interests from terrorist foreigners, in the same way as our great American wrestlers defend America against evil foreign wrestlers like The Iron Sheik, Nikolia Volkov and Bret Hart. May God bless America, may God bless each and every one of you, may God bless Vince McMahon, may God bless Hot Newz, may God bless me and help me win, and may God bless God. Thank you."

Hail to the chef! If you're old enough, sign up and vote! I would!

The reason why John Cena alwayz wears a black armband is to mourn the death of his workrate and mic skills!!

Doctor of love Tom Prichard has been fizzired! He was the guy who hosted Byte On This with Kevin Kelly for ten years! But he got fired this week after he said that Triple H "isn't as good as Andre The Giant" and HHH heard it and fired him! Tom got the Doctor of Love name back in 1996 when he was in the Body Madonnas team with Skipp. He got the name by sleeping with Sunny! But to be fair, if sleeping with Sunny in 1996 gets you that name, then EVERYONE who was in the WWF then should be called the Doctor Of Love! Especially Bret Hart LOL!!!!

Speaking of The Hitman, his feud with Rick Flair continues with no sign of stopping! At this rate, it'll only stop when one of them DIES of old age! Ric said this about Bret on the Andre Agassi Show!

"Whoooo! I don't know why Bret took what I said so damn personally. Maybe Goldberg kicked him in the head again, whooo! Just because I said Shawn Michaels was ten thousands times as good as Bret, and that Triple H is twenty thousand times as good as Bret, doesn't mean that Bret wasn't a solid mid-carder! He was at least as good as Buff Bagwell, whooo! It's not my fault that for the five years Bret was a main eventer in the WWF they didn't make ONE dime! It's BRET's fault, whoooo! And Bret, if you're so great, how come you tapped out to Shawn Michaels sharpshooter right in the middle of the ring? Explain that, CHUMP! Whooo!"

But Bret hit back on his website!

"I can't believe what the latest things Ric Flair is saying about me, they're so unbelievable that they stretch believability to an extent which it's never been stretched before! How DARE he say I was "only marginally better than Scott Norton"! I'd kick him up the ass, but I'd probably have to punch some guy he was having gay sex with in the back of the head first to get there! How DARE he say that I did the same four moves in every match! First of all, there was five moves, and I did them in different orders sometimes! And they were better than his FAKE chops and FAKE fifteen backdrops in a match and FAKE figure four! That's right, I've been in the figure four, and it doens't hurt! Unlike the sharpshooter, which does hurt if you pull it back real hard! I want to stamp on his banana nose, but my foot would probably bounce off some guy's ass! Some guy who he's in the 69 postion with!"

WILL THIS BLOOD FEUD NEVER END!?!?!?!/1/

Raw was TAPED last night in San Fransico! That's right, TAPED! The PTC has BANNERED RAW from ever being showen live again after one of the Diva Search biatches called Caramelle "a dirty, cum-guzzling, cock-loving gutter slut with a cock up her ass!" But this is good because my cousing GAILKIMSPERSONALNINJA was there in person in the front row! If his writing style looks familair it's becauze he's learned from the best, he's learned from Hot Newz! Take it away, dood!!!!!1

Thanx dood! The show started with a dark match between A Train and newcome Carlito Caribbean Cool Colon Junior! And this guy's JUST like Razor Ramon! Before the match he said, "Hey yo. Say hello to the cool guy. It's survey time. Who here is NOT cool? Okay, that's good chicos! And who here IS cool?" And we all cheered because we're cool! "That's good meng. Because I can't STAND people who aren't cool. I HATE THEM SO DAMN MUCH! I SPIT IN THEIR UNCOOL FACES! If you aren't cool, YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! I punch your mothers in the face for having such uncool children! Die!" Then he quickly ate an apple and flicked the core in Albert's face, just like Razor Ramon did! And his finisher is just like the Razor's Edge, except it's a DDT! This guy's going to be big!

Next weas Heat! First match was Val Venis versus Chuck Palumbo and everyone was shocked to see that Val still wrestles since nobody watch Heat! And before the match Val said "heh-heh-heh, hello ladies! You know something, the Big Valbowski is a lot like Hugh Hefner. Since we both have lots of sex, heh-heh-heh!" He's been doing this gimmick for so long that he's ran out of lines! After he hit the shitty Money Shot for the win I shouted "what's wrong, can't do a frogsplash?" and everyone laughed and Val looked sad! Loser!

Next Gail Kim came out looking hizzot for shizzot! And then "I ain't the lady to mess with w00t" played and I marked out because I knew it was going to be a match betweent he two hottest Divas (apart from Trish) so everyone set your VCR for this one! Gail put Victoria in one of her CRAZY submissions and the best way I can describe it is a cross between a sharpshooter, a crippler crossface, and a bearhug! But then the Mystery Woman came out and we all shouted "STEVIE!" and Gail was distracted and Victoria won! And then the Mystery Woman got in the ring and Victoria said "Okay Stevie I know it's you leave me alone" but then the Mystery Woman said "I THINK YOU BETTER RECOGNISE JUST WHO THE HELL I AM!" and gave her a Sky High! Then she slowly ripped her wig off revealing that she was actully D'Lo Brown all along! Then Stevie Richards ran out to help Victoria but JAZZ came up behind him and gave him a lowblow! Then Jazz said to D'Lo "Our plan worked perfectly, lover!" and they made out!!!!!!!

Then Lilian came out and sang that song about the purple-headed mountains or whatever and it was time for RAW is WAR's a thorn in your pie! And first match was Eugene versus Coach! Coach takes the mic and says "hey, Eugene, I have a fun new game we can play!" and Eugene says "I like to play games!!!" and claps like a seal and Coach says "that's great, kid! This is the game where we each take turns to lie down on our backs for three seconds! Sounds like fun? Okay, you go first." and Eugene lay down and Coach just pinned him right there! Then Eugene started crying and Lilian gave him a balloon to cheer him up but then Coach POPPED the balloon to huge heel heat and kicked Eugene in the balls! Then he liked his lips and said "Now for a taste of sweet lady Lilian" and grabbed her ass....

...but then "IF YOU SMELLALALALALALA!" played and the freakin' ROCK was here! And Coach quickly let go off Lilian and Rock said "The Rock is here, y'all, to have a good time, brothas! Let the Rock tell y'all something, and this ain't no lie, champagne, poontang pie! The Rock is out here to have sex with women, smoke weed, get high, eat a pie, and WHOOP the Coach's ROODY POO candyass y'all!" and gave the Coach a Rock Bottom! But then Uncle Eric Bischoff came out and said "hey Rock, let me tell your ass something, I run this show, not you! Just because you're a big hollywood movie star doesn't mean you can anything you want, nuh uh! I'm damn well sick and tired of you coming out here once a month and beating up the Coach! So tonight...I'm going to put you...in a match!" and we all cheered because finally we'd get to see the Rock wrestle again but then Eric said "yeah, that's right, an ARM-WRESTLING match! With me, Eric Bischoff! That's right, it'll be my arm versus your arm! And if my arm wins, you can NEVER beat up the Coach again!" Then Rock said "well damn cracka that's just fine with me, The Rock's arm will beat your arm, in fact The Rock will rip your arm out of its socket, make a fist with your hand, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways and stick it straight up your whiteass, y'all!"

JR announcets that tongiht will be an I Quit match between Triple H and Chris Benoit to finally find out who the better man is!

Next was a video of Lita and Kane at home in Kane's haunted mansion! And Kane has forced Lita to wash all his plates while he reads a newpaper and laughs at her! Then Kane says "Okay Lita I have a match with Rany Orton tonight but first I'm going out to a strip club with my best friend while you stay at home and do menial work" then Lita said "no Kane I'm serious Kane...no Kane, I want to come out too with you, I'm serious, you never take me anywhere Kane you monster" then Kane said "Lita, do you want me to send you straight to the depths of hell like I did Matt Hardy you bitch? Keep washing up!" then the doorbell goes and Kane says "that's my ride, ho, see you later!" and Lita is so shocked by his languag that she drops the plate she washing and it smashes! Then Kane looks angry and says "I bought that plate for you! I want you to pick every single piece up and EAT them!" and Lita starts crying and picking up the pieces and putting them in her mouth and Kane leaves, laughing!

Second match was Chris Jiercho versus Christian with Edge (wearing a groin brace!) as the special guest referee! And Jeircho hits teh lionsault for the first time in two years and Edge goes down for the pin but stops when he reaches two then just holds his hand up like he's about to count and Jericho says "what's that all aboot eh?" and Edge says "oh, it's just a FIVE SECOND POSE!" and Christian jumps up and attacks Jericho and Edge joins in! Then Trish comes out and says "give him the conchairtoe!" and they're about to do it, when Jericho gives them a double lowblow! Then Jericho grabs one of Christian's legs and one of Edge's and puts them both in the Walls Of Jericho at the same time! And at first Trish looks shocks but then she SMILES and says "oh Jericho you are so HOT!" and starts making out with him! And Trish says she finally loves Jericho back so they go to her hotel room for some hot loving!

Backstage, Rhyno is teaching Tajiri how to play cards (they dont have them in China!) when Tajiri picks up a card and looks shocked and Rhyno says "what's wrong little buddy?" and Tajiri holds up the card and it has a picture of FIFI on it and Rhyno says "OH SHIT, LOOK OUT!" and then La Resistiance appear as if from nowhere and destroy Rhyna and Tajiri and powerbomb them through the card tabel then Silvyan says "American pigs! La Resistance STACKED THE DECK against you and American imperalism, haha!"

Next it showed Kane at the strip club! And his friends sitting next to him but at first you just say his massive chest in a tuxedo and you don't see his face. And there's a lady dancing for Kane and Kane slips a five dollar bill in her panties and she thanks him then dances away but then Kane clicks his fingers and the five dollar bill goes ON FIRE and so do her panties and she has to pull them off! and Kane says "hahaha, this is my type of strip club! Her loins burn for me, hahaha!" But then his friends points at his watch and Kane says "Oh yeah, better get to RAW for my match with Randy Orton" and then his friend stands up and you see his face for the first time and it's MARK HENRY! And he says "I hate to leave all these fine ladies here, but you're right my man, time to go! Sexual choclate will be back later girls!" and they leave, but the strippers follow after Mark Henry because they all love his sexual choclate!

Next match was the returning Shelton Benjamin versus Ric Flair! And Shelton's new gimmick is that he's a cock bastard and at the start of the match he offers Flair a handshake, but then pulls his hands back and runs his fingers through his hair and Flair is so shocked by this display of cockiness that he does a Flair flop! Then Shelton gives Flair 8 backdrops but Flair gets a thumb to the eye and goes to the top rope, but Shelton just stands there looking at him! And Flair doesn't know what to do because it'st he first time ever his opponent hasn't thrown him off! So Flair has to jump at Shelton but he lands on his ass because he's an old man and Shelton points and laughs! Then Shelton starts hitting on a hot blond chick in the front row (she was sitting next to me and I watched her cleaverage all night!) and then William Regal runs out and says "take this you bloody sasusage monger!" and punches Flair with brass knux wrapped in barbed wire and Flair does a Flair flop! Then Shetlon gets da pin and says "my future's looking so bright that I have to wear shades!" and puts shades on!

Next was the Diva Search segment! And Stacy introduced Caramella, Christi (the HOT redhead!), Joy and the other one then told the other one to "hit the bricks sister and get to steppin'!" So it's down to three and Stacy says that they must try to seduce HER (Stacy!) to impress the viewers and I quickly started a "HLA" chant! So first Joy tries to seduce stacy by just walking up and down shaking her ass so we all boo because there's nothing lesbian about that! Then Christi is next and she says "I'm not going to try to seduce Stacy...but my ASS is!" and bends over and starts talking with her ass like Jim Carey used to do when he was funny! But then Caramella can't take it anymore and starts to pull something out of her mouth and Christi says "what's that whore, a COCK?" and Caremella says "no, it's something you use everynite, virgin!" and hits her with it and it was a STEEL dildo! Then she swings the dildo at Joy but it slips out of her hands and lands right next to me int he front row and the blond girl I told you about grabs it and says "I'M SHOOTING MY OWN ANGLE!" and jumps into the ring and rips Caramella's clothes off! And Joy keeps shaking her ass. Then Stacy says "Umm...great job girls!"

Randy Orton versus Kane was supposed to be next but first Randy comes to the ring to do an interview! "First of all I'd like to say...HELLO SAN FRANSISCO! I love you guys! Really, I truly appreciate all the support from my fans, even though I've never said it before. But I've always felt it, I'm a nice guy really. I love just about everyone, but there is just one type of person I hate...are there any HOMOSEXUALS in the house? Don't be shy!" And a few guys (NOT ME!) cheered! "Okay, that's cool because I LOVE homosexuals! You guys are great, I'm not threatened by your sexuality at all! Give a big hand for the homosexauls, everyone!" and we all cheered the brave gays except for one fat guy (played by the same actor who was Fatt Hardy last week!) who says "I don't like homos. In fact, I HATE them!" then Randy invites him into the ring and says "Oh, so you hate homos, right? I guess that makes you a hater?" and the fat guy nods proudly then Randy says "well guess what hater, the one type of person I don't like IS haters! You're a hater...and I'm...a hater killer!" and gave him a RKO to a big pop then said "everyone listen up to my new motto, words to live your life by...don't hate: celebrate!" But then the lights go off and when they're back KANE is in the ring and he tries to give Orton the chokeslam right away but Randy reverses it to the RKO in mid air and gets the pin! Then Mark Henry and the strippers run out so Orton escapes thru the crowd and I touched him as he ran by me!

Kane and Mark Henry and the strippers are still in the ring and Kane sits up and he's pissed! Then one of the strippers starts laughing at him and Kane is angry and the stripper rips her wig off and it's LITA in disguise! So then Kane grabs her and says "you know what? I can't wait another six months, you're having this baby right now! Our baby's very special Lita, it's a monster like me, and it can be born anytime...all it needs is a sacrifice..." and he chokeslams one of the strippers then Lita starts to clench(!) then the lights go out for twenty seconds and when they come back on there's a fully grown man in the ring! And he's Lita and Kane's son and his a big OVW guy with tattooes and his hair dyed red like Lita's! And Kane laughs then the son says "I am the Merroghovan and it is my duty...to kick some booty!" and gives Mark Henry a big boot! Then Kane laughs and says "hahaha, I am very pleased! And now, Lita, I don't need you and your womb anymore. And what do I do with property I don't need? I KILL IT!" and chokeslams her into a casket that was sitting next to the ring, then nails it shut and he and the Merroghovan wheel it backstage! Then one of the strippers gives Mark Henry the kiss of life to revive him, and he wakes up then pretends to pass out so she has to kiss him again in a comedy bit!

Next was the LONG AWAITED arm wrestling match between The Rock and Bischoff! ANd Rock says "okay jabroni hurry this up The Rock has to get back on the set of Spy Hunter y'all know it!" then Eric says "Oh, I'll beat you in my own time, Rock. Whether that takes an hour. Or a day. Or THREE MINUTES! Wait a second, did I just hear myself say THREE MINUTES!?" then ROSEY runs down in his super hero outfit! But Rock just laughs and says "damn man, you're sending the Hamburgular to jump me? Here's ten bucks brotha, go buy yourself some chicken McNuggets you fat sumbitch!" but then RIKISHI(!) runs in through the crowd (I touched him too!) and throws SALT in the Rock's eyes! Then Rock staggers around blind and Rikishi says "hohoho Rock now you know how I felt after I had lazer eye surgery! You never visited me in the hospital! I ran over Steve Austin for you and this is how you repay me!?" then Rock says "damn man you know I was busy filming Walkin' Tall man, can't we talk about this?" and Rikishi says "No talk, just PAIN!" and then he and Rosey crush The Rock between their massive asses! Then Hurricane comes out to try and talk some sense into Rosey but Rikishs superkicks Hurricane right on his broken nose then SITS on his broken nose and Rosey looks like he's having second thoughts about getting involved with such a evil man!

On the titan tron it shows Jericho and Trish in her hotel room! And Trish is down to her bra(!) and says "okay lover, time for sex, get in bed" and Jericho says "I'm so happy!" and pulls the sheets back...and Edge and Christian are lying in bed! And Edge says "dude, we just TOTALLY swerved you!" and they attack him then Tyson Tomko runs into the room and gives Jericho a big boot and slips on his ass! Then Trish smiles evily and says "There's only one man for me, Jericho, and it's not you...well actually, there's THREE men!" then gets into bed with Tyson, Christian and Edge and puts the lights out then you here moaning for a while then Edge says "ouch baby, go easy, you know my groin is hurt" then you hear Tyson(!) say "sorry!"

Next was benoit/triple H I quit match to finally find out who the better man is! and this was a grreat five star match and Benoit did like 18 German suplexes then got the crossface on and HHH fought it for five minutes but u could tell he was bout to tap when Batista distracted the ref and suddenly BROCK LESNAR(!!!!1) ran in through the crowd (I high-fived him!) in full football uniform and gives Benoit a football tackle! Then he picks Benoit up and slams him and says "touch down!" then HHH puts Benoit in the sleeper hold right in the middle of the ring andBenoit has no choice but to see "I quit!" then Lilian says "the winner and the BETTER MAN is Triple H!" Then Lesnar rips off his football gear...and he has an evolution shirt on under neath! Then Lesnar says "that's right, I never really wanted to be a football player at all! I've been biding my time and training to be the best wrestler ever, and what better man to help me to EVOLVE into being The Next Big Thing than the current big thing THE GAME TRIPLE H!" and hugs HHH! Then JR says "DAMN IT KING, GOD DAMNIT I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS CRAP, THAT BASTARD LESNAR AIN'T NOTHING BUT A BASTARD KING, WHAT KIND OF A MAN WOULD PRETEND TO BE A FOOTBALLER BUT REALLY BE IN EVOLUTION I HOPE HE GOES TO HELL DAMN HIS SOUL THE BASTARD!"

Finally it shows Lita's casket on the titan tron and she's still nailed in and you hear her banging on the lid screaming for help. But then the camera pulls back and you see there's more casket's next to Lita's then it pulls back more and you see dozens of caskets then HUNRDERS of them and it keeps pulling back until all you can see is miles and miles of caskets in a huge basement! And this is where Kane keeps the souls of all the people he's killed (I would assume!)!

OMFG THAT IS THE KEWLEST ENDING TO RAW EEEEEVEEEER!!!!

Bizzack some other time with more Hot Newz, my friendz (and FIENDS JK LOL!)!!!!!!!!

THE ROCK TO PLAY DARREN IN BEWITCHED MOVIE? HEID-EN-REICH TO KILL MICHAEL COLE AND CARRY HIS HEAD AROUND ON A SPIKE? TORRIE WILSON OFFICIALLY DECLARED NOT HOT BY EVERY MALE ON THE PLANET? RICO TO RETURN AS A FIREMAN AND ASK MEN TO "RUB HIS HELMET" ALL THE TIME? PLUS HOT NEW REAL NUDE GENUINE REAL PICS OF STEPHANIE MCMAHON SUNBATHING ON A BEACH SOMEWHERE PLUS THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE

23/6/02

I am back with more Hot Newz! ANd OMG doodz, teh big newz is that Austin is
OUT and Vince Russo is IN! And Vince Russo is the man who killed WCW dead!
And I stopped watching WCW when they had those seven young muscular men in
tight jeans on all the time (they confused me!) but my friend Nekrophille
told me taht things got even wrose after that! Russo had Goldberg drive a
monster truck off the roof of the Georgia Dome and he didn't even use a
stunt double! And then he had Kanyon jump into the Grand Canyon and into a
vat of acid at the bottom! And he had Sting and Vampiro fight in a morgue
and Sting hit Vampiro with a dead body! (That last one actually sounds
kewl!) So Now VINNIE RU is going to kill the WWF and make Stacy Keibler
give birth to a foot :( :( :(

Well Rusoo has already written the booking sheet for King Of The Ring, but
Paul Heyman had also written a booking sheet for KOTR before Russo was
hired! And my sources got me both of them so now I'm going to COMPARE and
CONTRAST the 2 booking sheets!

Test vs Brock Lesnar

Heyman: Lesnar destroys Test and wins in less than 90 seconds. I shout a
lot at ringside.

Russo: Okay, get this, Test's new gimmick is that he's Swedish! And he
comes down to the ring eating a tray of Swedish meatballs and says he's
going to win for Swedland (or wherever the fuck Swedish people come from!)!
And since these are too big guys they have a gruelling 18 minutes match
until eventually Test hits Lesnar with the meatballs tray for the win!

RVD vs Chris Jericho

Heyman: In this match, Jericho plays the part of JERRY LYNN~! And they have
great technical exchanges and then just keep pausing to stare at each other
so the crowd can give them a standing ovation. And RVD wins with the Frog
Splash.

Russo: I think we need to have a DOUBLE TURN here. Before the match, RVD
says "I hate you fans you never visited me in the hospital" so he can get
booed, then Jericho says "These fans are cool!" and he gets cheered. And
we'll keep this match short, three minutes, four tops, so that the fans
won't fall asleep. And Jericho wins with his own frog splash!

Comedy Hospital Skit

Heyman: Maven is in the hospital, when suddenly Tajiri throws him out of bed
and locks him in a closet! Then Tajiri turns the lights out and gets in
Maven's bed and Torrie Wilson comes in! And she says she has a special
surprise for Maven and gets under the convers! Then she says "Your penis
got really small all of a sudden"! And Tajiri piledrives her onto the bed.

Russo: Just as Torrie is about to enter Maven's hotel room, Tajiri brutally
kicks her in the back of the head! Then Tajiri puts on Torrie's dress,
turns the lights off and enter Maven's hospital room! And he goes under the
covers and says "time for sucky sucky!" (His new gimmick is that he's a gay
Jap!).

The Hurricane vs Jamie Noble

Heyman: They wrestle a great back and forth match for ten minutes. Then
Nidia gets up on the apron and takes her shirt off! But she has masking
tape over her nipples! And she distracts Hurricane and Noble gets the win
with a SWANK~! top rope brainbuster.

Russo: After about 30 seconds of action, Nidia jumps up on the apron and
takes her shirt off! But she has two mini Hurricane masks covering her
nipples! And this distracts Jamei so Hurrican rolls him up for the win.
And then Jamie says "now lets see who you really are!" and he rips the mask
off and it's Rey Mysterious Junior! And Rey breaks a pinata over Jamie's
head and eats all the candy and leaves with Nidia!

Trish Stratus vs Molly "FAT ASS" Holly

Heyman: They roll around in their underwear while the King shouts "CATFIGHT,
CATFIGHT!" and I masturwank. And, uhh, Trish wins with a bulldog or
something.

Russo: They roll around in their underwear while the King shouts "CATFIGHT,
CATFIGHT!" and I masturwank. And then they start making out! But then
Trish tursn on Molly and pulls her pants down and you see Molly's big giants
fat huge ass! And Molly goes mad and gives Trish a stinky face!

Tag Team title match

Heyman: Just have Billy and Chuck defend against Spike Dudley and someone
like we always did in ECW. See if Balls Mahoney is available.

Russo: Billy, Chuck and Rico come out and say thta they're not doing this
gay gimmick anymore and they will use their real names! And Billy says his
real name is Monty Sock. And Chuck says his real name is Gaylord Focker!
And Rico says his real name is Richard Lover, but his friends call him Dick
Lover!

Big Show and X-Pac vs Goldust and Booker T

Heyman: Booker does the spinaroonie five times, to keep the crowd into it,
and pins X-Pac.

Russo: Goldust turns on Booker and gives him shattered dreams, then kisses
Big Show! And they goldust takes his suit off and he has an NWO shirt on,
but it's black and gold! And he gives one to Big Show and now they are the
NWO black and gold!

Ric Flair vs Eddy Guerrero

Heyman: They brawl into the crow for ten minutes and come out bleeding. And
then the ref is bumped. Flair puts Eddy in a figure four, but Benoit comes
off the top with the headbutt on Flair and Eddy gets the pin.

Russo: Okay, get this! We make fun of Eddy's addiction to pain killers!
And Flair offer him a bottle of pain killers to throw the match, but Eddy
says no (in spanish, of course!). And Eddy tries to hit Flair with Rey's
pinata, but Flair gives him a drop toehold right into the pinata! And then
David Flair comes out and hits Ric with a STEEL statue of liberty statue and
hugs Eddy and says "you are my new daddy, esse!".

Hulk Hogan vs Kurt Angel

Heyman: Angle makes Hogan tap out to the Ankle lock.

Russo: Hogan is wearing an afro wig for some reason! And Angle rips it off,
but Hogan has a STEEL wig on underneath and he headbutts Angle for the win.
Then he puts Angle in Kurt's own ankle lock and Angle taps out, then he
pulls down Angle's pants again, then he sets Angle's wig on fire! And then
Kurt cries!

King of the Ring final

Heyman: Brock Lesnar vs RVD. Brock wins with a top rope powerbomb threw two
tables and four steel chairs. And I shout a lot at ringside.

Russo: Jericho vs Test. Test goes to hit Jericho with the Swedish
meatballs, but Jericho gets his own meatball tray and his Test first and
wins! And Test cries because he's let all of Swedland down. Then The Rock
comes out to give Jericho the trophy, and he's about to turn it sideways and
stick it up Jericho's ass, when Test hits Rock with the meatballs! And Test
and Jericho hug and it was a set up all along!

The Undertaker vs Triple H

Heyman: Tommy Dreamer rusn in with his sick bucket and Undertaker chokeslams
him threw 5 tabels, then hits HHH with the sick bucket and gets the pin.

Russo: Undertaker gives HHH a chokelsam, a tombstone and a last ride but HHH
kicks out at one! And he says "I'm shooting my own angle!" and starts
hitting Undertaker with shoot punches and shoot irish whips! But then I run
in and say "you will do this job!" and hit HHH with a STEEL pencil (since
I'm the booker!) and Undertaker gets the pin. Then I say "now let me
introdue my FRIENDZ!" and in runs Matt LeBlanc, David Schwimmer and Mathew
Perry! And this will get me over with the kidz! And they start beating the
crap out of Triple H and JR screams "GOOD GAWD, CHANDLER, JOEY AND ROSS ARE
DESTROYING THE GAME! IT'S NOT TRIPLE H'S DAY, HIS WEEK HIS MONTH OR EVEN
HIS YEAR!". JR must use this scripted line to get the angle over!

OMG THAT'S GOING TO OWN ALL!

---

Sign ideas for RAW

I never liked Austin anyway!

WHO THE FUCK IS THE HARDCORE CHAMPION?

The Hardy Boyz are Hardly boys! Or men! They're girls!

Brock Lesnar, the next SID thing!

Sign ideas for Smackdown!

If I was a dog and Test was a flower, I'd lift my leg and give him a shower!

Let's crucify D-Von!

Hogan is old and likely to die soon!

Vince had sex with my daughter (she's 16!)!!!!!!!

---

Now for this weeks interview with the Rock! The Rock returned to the WWE on
Raw after a six month absence, but Hollywood hasn't changed him one bit!

Me: Hi Rock!

Rock: Actually, I prefer to be called Dwayne Johnson now.

Me: Oh, okay...Dwayne...

Rock: Actually, I prefer to be called the Oscar winning Dwayne Johnson!

Me: But you haven't won an Oscar!

Rock: Well it's only a matter of time.

Me: I see. Anyway, do you consider yourself more of a movie star than a
wrestler now?

Rock: Oh, not at all! Sure, I am a big Hollywood movie star now, but the
WWF is my home! Wrestling is in my blood, and I swear to God, I will always
come home to the WWF and I'll be in the WWF until the day I die!

Me: It's actually called the WWE now, dood.

Rock: It matters not what the name is!

Me: ...

Rock: Wasn't that one of my catchphrases?

Me: Kind of...

Rock: Yeah, I'll be eating pies and cakes and...what was it again? Ah yes,
applying the Smacdown to all their cookie butts!

Me: ...

Rock: The bottom line is, I'll be on RAW every Tuesday!

Me: RAW's on Monday!

Rock: That's what I said! And Steve Austin, Jeff Jarrett, Vader and all the
rest better watch out!

Me: Uhh...

Rock: What?

Me: Nothing. What's been the highlight of your career so far?

Rock: Starring in The Scorpion King, of course!

Me: No, I mean what has been your greatest match?

Rock: Match?

Me: Fight.

Rock: Oh that's easy, against Brendan Fraiser in The Mummy Returns! I have
to give him credit, he killed me with that spear thing that the British guy
was carrying around. Kind of a contrived plot twist, but he still got me!

Me: No, I mean in the WWE!

Rock: Huh? Oh, that. Well I remember a fight I had with some big black
guy, what was his name...

Me: Booker Tea?

Rock: Yes that's it, Michael Clarke Duncan! He really applied the Smackdown
to my cookie-butt!

Me: Yes he did. So what will you be doing at the King of the Ring tonight?

Rock: What? That shit's tonight?

Me: Yeah.

Rock: But I've got a meeting with George Lucas! I'm going to play a Jedi in
the next Star Wars movie. Sorry, but I won't be able to make it to that
silly little pay per view tonight!

Me: Well your fans will be disappointed to hear that...

Rock: I'll send Brendan to take my place. He's a good kid and he needs the
work. I'd be glad to help him out!

Me: So do you have a message for all your WWE fans?

Rock: Yes I do. Kids, even though I've been appearing on that silly
wrestling show lately, don't worry. Because Hollywood is in my blood, and I
swear to God, I'll be in Hollywood until the day I die!

Me: That's good to hear...

Rock: And remember, you can see me soon in Helldarado, with that guy from
American Pie!

Me: Speaking of American Pie, this one time, in band camp, I turned my flute
sideways and stuck it straight up my candyass!

Rock: I don't get it.

Me: Go to hell.

INTERVIEW ENDS

Bizzack soon with a Ask Hot Newz special! Email me your questions, doodz!

Hot Newz

Hot Newz



Mail the Author

CHRIS BENOIT TO HAVE
ROBOTIC NECK MADE? DDP'S WIFE TO LEAVE HIM NOW THAT HE CAN'T WRESTLE?
BARRY WINDHAM TO TELL ALL ABOUT HIS TIME AS BRAD SHOW'S PARTNER IN A NEW
BOOK? PLUS HOT NAKED NUDE PICS OF EDGE AND VAL VENIS' SISTER ON THE BEACH
WHILE VAL WATCHES SHAVING HIS CHEST CLICK HERE!

15/11/01

Hey my doodz!!! Surviviro series, the thanksgiving tradition that started in 1734 when native indians fighted the european settlers to the death in REAL wrestling matches, is coming at cha on Sunday!!!! ANd OMG, after survivor series theres not going to be no more WWF or WCW or ECW and half the wrasslers are gonna get fired and their going to have to work 4 Brain Knobbs and Hulk Hogan and do jobs for Horace Hogan and Buff Bagwell!!!!! And I'm going to try to get the survivor series booking sheet, but right now here is Smackdown resluts from my man DEADMANWALKINGECDUB!!!

Here they is!

"Hey man! I was at smackdown last night in Madison Squared Gardens and Ive got the rapings resutlts for ur kewl site!

DARK MATCHES! I was surprised that they didn't turn the lights out for the dark matcheS!!! ADn in the first one, Sick Boy beat Beau Dupp and in the second one Russ Hass beat Brock Lesner then finally Randy Orton beat Shelton Bejamin and all these matches sucked cuz I didn't know who the people were and I bet they were never in ECWDUBYA and dont know the meaning of hardcore!

HEAT MATCHES! Tazz cumes out and I chant, YOU SOLD OUT, YOU SOLD OUT and he spits at me!

Albert and Scotty 2 Hotty beat Lance Storm and Justin Incredible with a double worm. THEY ARE WASTING THE IMPACT PLAYAZ!!!

Kidman beat Funkai: YAWN, these guys aren't hardcore!

Chavo beat Crash: I chanted EDDY GOT FIRED at Chavo and he startedd crying!

SMACKDOWN TAPINGS!! Lilian sang america the beautiful and I could see up her skirt!

Undertaker beat William Regal: This was a greate match! Undertaker is the only WWF guy who could survive in ECWDUB and he isn't old or fat and he DOES sell moves and hes a technical wrestling king and Scott Keith can suck my ass! Undertake one with the last ride in 90 seconds.

Kane beat Kurt Angle: Kane is good but he ain't as good as the old dead man! And he made Kurt tap to his own ankle lock and Kurt was crying into his milk afterwards!

Paul Heyman did a promo and it was hardcore! At first I chanted "YOU SOLD OUT" to Heyman but at the end I was chanting "EC DUB YA!" cus Paul E told the TROOTH about how ECW invented hardcore wrestling and WWF stole it and how ECW was the first company to use tables and chairs and ladders and beer and how the WWF stole Stone Cold and Triple H from EC DUB YA! And then Vince came out and said "WHAT THE HELLLLL are tyou talking about, stop shooting!" but Paul E kicked him in the ballz! And I think Paul E is a face now cause everfyone was chating ECWDUB with me!

Jericho beat Saturn: Who cares, neither of these guyz were ever in ECDUB!

Backstage, Edge was drinking some water then Christian walked up and sed "I totally peed in that water, bro!" and Edge spat it on Christian and chased him but he ran rite into Test big boot and Christian said "I didn't pee, but our mom did a shit 27 years ago when she gave birth to you!"

DDP beat Tajiri after William Regal threw hot tea in Tajiri's eyes and Tajir staggerd around blind but he still kicked Regal in the ears then challenged him to a blidnfold match on Sunday!

Big Show came out dressed as Andre the gian and said Andre was his dad who died from cancer wrestlig Big John Stuff for the WWF and he'll win at Survivor Series for Andre but then the Big Bossman came out and said "hey big freakshow, I'm the biggest newest memmber of the alliance and by the way, I was wrestling Andre when he died and I killed that big nasty bastard!" and Big Show started crying and Bossman sprayed pepper in his eyes and hit him with his stick and sed "your serving hard time, just like your dead daddy is in hell, BOY!"

Dudleys beat Palumbo and Billy Gunn and Billy and Chuck nearly fought afterwards but then they hugged and Billy said, "come on, I'll show you why they call me the ass man!" and they touched each other on the balls and went backstage!

Lita beat Ivory and I could see Lita thongs and the top of her ass and it ruled and then afterwards Jeff Hardy came out and hugged Lita then Matt came out and said "get you hands off my bitch!" and gave him the twist of fate but then Lita said "dont call me a bitch Matt I'm serious" and Matt said "don't go there girlfriend" and Lita said "no matt I'm serious don't call me a girlfirned I mean a bitch and matt no matt I'm serious Matt" and Matt gave her the twist of fat and said "I'm sick of having sex with your ass!" and walked away and we all booed and then a fan tried to jump into the ring to rape Lita but I stopped him and everyone cheered me and Lita kissed me on the cheek...THE BUTT CHEEK!

Hahaha,I made that up1

The Hurrican beat Dean Malenko: Then then Dean said "i've been in a wrestling for 31 years and now its time to retire" but no one cared and I sand "nanana na, na na na na, hey hey hey, good riddance!" and everyone laffed at Dean and then climbed on top of the titan tron and said he'll kill himself but Chris Benwah came out in a neckbrace and said Dean has so much to live for and Dean said "like what?" and Benwah said "good point!" and Dean jumped!

Main event was a singing contest between Austin and The Rock again and Austin sang Enimen and he said "Hi, my name is WHAT? My name si WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?" and he said what for ten minutes straigth then the crowd said what for 23 minutes then Rock said what for half an hour then Austin said "DTA YOU PIECE OF SHIT" and stunned the Rock then Booker T came out and said "SUCKA, this has GOTS to be a dancing contest" and Austin did the spinarronie but then The Rock did a better Spinaroonie and Booker sed Rock wins so Austin stunned Booker and Rock sang "aMerican pie" but he sang it as "poontang pie" and he said Autin doesn't like Poontang and he has a bigger strudel than Austin and he also has bigger BALLS than the Austin and Austin said he has a 24 inch ratlesnake and he was going to get it out but Val VEnis came back and said it is unaccpetable to show your dick on tee vee so rock stunn4d him and Austin did the People elbow and then Rock and Austin hugged but Jericho came out and said Rock is a tratior for hugging Austin but then RVD came out and said Austin is a trator for hugging Rock but then RVD stunned Austin and Jericho rock bottomed Rock and then Jerich hugged RVD but RVD busted him open by accident on the hug so JEricho gave RVD a neckbreaker and JEricho was the last man standing and JR scream "WILL IT BE LIKE THIS THIIS SUNDAY TUNE IN TO FIND OUT" then he thought the show was over and said "that oughta to hold those little SOBs" but Mitchell Cole sais "we're still on the air!" so JR give Micheal Mole a wedgie to a big pop and said "SUCK IT!"

And that is what happened at Smackdonw tapings!"

Wow, JR said SUCK IT? Are you sure he didn't say "I suck!" lol back soon wit more newz for all my homiez!