OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that AEW Double And Nothing is coming THIS SUNDAY! Normally I would post 101% accurate spoilers from my TRUSTED SECRET SOURCES, but I don’t even have to rely on sources this time! I have developed PSYCHOTIC POWERS and can look into the future! I’ve already watched the show in my mind and can therefore spoil not only the results but also the crowd reactions and everything JR says! So don’t read the below unless you hate AEW and don’t want to be surprised by literally every detail of the show!
Hook and DanHouseMan vs Tony Kneeses and Smark Smart Sterling – The MUSCULAR MASKED CAMERA MAN is shown standing prominently at ringside holding his camera with his muscles in some FORESHADOWING for much later! Danhousen throws a glass of BABY TEETH into Sterling’s eye to blind him and Hook rolls him up for the three! Then Danhassen says “thou shalt have chips!” and CHIPS start raining down from the rafters (JR catches them in his hat!) Then Danhossnon pecks Hook on the cheek and it gets weird.
Darby Allen vs Kyle O’Reilly – Darby wins a perfectly good wrestling match with that roll-up thing he does (JR: “WELL THAT WAS ANTI-CLIMACTIC!”) then says “I hope you enjoyed the technical wrestling because that’s the LAST TIME you’ll ever see it from me!” Then some mysterious HANDS are shown caressing an ORB in some more foreshadowing but of a different thing!
Jade Cargill vs Anna Jay – JOHN SILVER runs out and tries to distract Red Velvet and Kiera Knightley with his muscles, but Kiera kicks him in the balls and says “that shit don’t work on me!” Jade wins a **1/4 match with her move and JR says “I HATE TO USE THE TERM ‘BOWLING SHOE UGLY’ WHEN ANNA JAY’S IN THE RING, BUT…”
The Young Bucks vs The Hardy Boyz – JR says “WELL IF THESE VERY YOUNG KIDS THE YOUNG BUCKS REALLY ARE CHRISTIAN AS F SO TO SPEAK, THEY CERTAINLY MUST NOT APPROVE OF JEFF HARDY’S CHOSEN LIFESTYLE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, FOLKS! I KNOW THE HANKY CODE!” They have a NORMAL MATCH and Jeff tries to do that jawbreaker where he does the splits like four times and it always looks shit. All four are down after superkicing each other seventeen times when suddenly DARBY ALLEN drives down to the ring on a big motorized ladder! Darby climbs up to the top of the thirty foot ladder and says “I’ll save you, Hardyz!” and dives off with a Coffin Drop aimed at the Bucks but MISSES and lands on Matt’s hips! The Young Bucks then get the pin! This sets up Darby’s new character as a crazy Hardy Boyz fanboy who just dives off things to help them all the time which he REQUESTED because it means he doesn’t have to have matches any more and can just skip to jumping off things! But then we see the ORB backstage again and it’s revealed that GANGREL is the one rubbing it and this is in case Darby’s new character flops they can just say Gangrel was mind controlling him!
Video package of Sammy and Tay! Sammy and Tay have three bags: one with the REMNANTS of the TNT title in it, one with “SHIT” laballed on it and one with “PISS” labelled on it! They empty the contents of all three bags into a big blender and say “this is what we think of the TNT title, hahaha!” and make out and you can see their spit! We then see footage of Dan Lambert drinking a smoothie and Sammy and Tay appear on screen and say “hahaha, he just drank a smoothie made from the TNT title and SHIT and PISS!” then make out again! Then JR says “BUT HOW LONG BEFORE THAT JEZABEL DUMPS SAMMY FOR SOMEONE BETTER?”
Sammy Guverrero, Franki Kazarian and Tay Conti vs Scorpion Sky, Ethan Page and Paige VanZant – The match is going fine and Paige does an arm-drag or something to impress her simps, until Dan Lambert VOMITS at ringside because he drank the belt, piss and shit smoothie! And this distraction allows Sammy to hit a 790 splash (JR: “OH SAMMY, SAMMY, SAMMY! AND THAT’S NOT WHAT TAY WAS SAYING LAST NIGHT!”) to pin Scorpio and set up yet another meeting between them in this endless series of championship credibility and soul destroying matches!
House of Black vs Deathly Triangle – They’re all just hitting moves (and taunts from Penta!) without tagging or anything and it is very entertaining but also makes no sense (JR: “EXCALIBUR, AM I TO ASSUME THIS IS UNDER MEXICAN LUCHA LIBRE RULES?” Excalibur: “Uhh, no, it’s just a match.” JR: “CHRIST!”)! Then BRIAN PILLMAN JUNIOR runs into the ring holding a microphone and looks like he’s about to talk but ALL SIX MEN dive on him and beat him up to a huge pop because it means we don’t have to hear one of his terrible promos again! Then JULIA HART comes out wearing an EVIL CHEERLEADER OUTFIT but she whips it off(!) revealing an METAL BIKINI underneath (JR’s mic suddenly cuts out!) Then just when it looks like she might finally be about to do something after like seven months of this storyline, Pac rolls up Buddy Murphy for the pin and she just shrugs and walks away.
Jurassic Parkspress vs Powerhouse Hobbs and Ricky Starks vs Keith Lee and Swerve Scotland – They have a NORMAL MATCH with lots of moves and dives and flips and “oooooh” noises and “this is awesome” chants but little genuine emotion from the crowd! Jungle Boy is about to pin Starks after a top rope Canadian Destroyer when CHRISTIAN CAGE jumps up on the apron and says “give him a spear just to be sure, Jack!” Jungle Boy nods because he’s NAÏVE and goes for the spear, but at the last second Keith Lee just stands in front of him and Jungle Boy bounces off his massive body and Lee falls on top of him to get the three and win the tag titles! Christian helps Jungle Boy up after (Luchasaurus is lying between four broken tables for reasons I can’t remember) and says “don’t worry, Boy…that was EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN!” and gives him the Killswitch! Then Keith and Swerve SMILE and HUG Christian and Keith says “With the legendary Canadian Cage by our side, our potential is TRULY limitless, baby!” and Sweve says “Whose House? Christian’s house, BITCH!” to show they’re heels now (Keith refused to swear when approached about it earlier!) Then JR says “ON THIS CASINO THEMED SHOW, CHRISTIAN DECIDED THE PRUDENT MOVE WAS TO BET ON BLACK!” And Excalibur mutters “…Christ” under his breath.
Ruby Soho vs Britt Baker – Britt wins with a sloppy roll up holding the ropes (but she misses grabbing the ropes twice then just barely touches them with her fingers as the ref counts three.) But then some music that sounds vaguely like Bret Hart’s WWF music plays and everyone pops until BRUCE HART steps out instead and everyone groans! Bruce says “Stop that shit right now! Owen would never approve of that shit, and neither would I, Bruce Hart! We didn’t do that shit in Stampede and I should know, I’m Bruce Hart! Restart this shit and let’s have a clean finish to this shit, gwaaah!” The match restarts and Ruby just instantly hits the Riott Kick (JR: “DID SHE SLIP?”) to get the pin!
Daniel Bryan, Jon Moxley, Eddie Kingston, Santana and Ortiz vs The Jericho Appreciation Association – They fight all around the place hitting each other with stuff! Then at one point Bryan and Jericho are brawling on the apron when Bryan gets his foot stuck between the ring and the ramp again! Jericho says “now I will set your face on fire because I am Gandalf wearing Narya the Great!” But right when he throws the fireball Bryan hops out of the way, almost as if he was pushed by someone below, and the fireball sets fire to the bottom turnbuckle (this will be important later!) SWOGGLE then jumps out from under the ring and Bryan says “thanks for freeing my leg, little budy!” and Swoggle says “thank YOU for the vegan cookies you left under the ring!” and eats the last cookie then eventually hits Jericho (who has just been standing open mouthed watching Swoggle eat a cookie for a whole minute) with the cookie sheet! Somehow the JAS take over again and all surround Kingston and Jericho says “I’m going to finish this FOR EVER and FOR REAL!” and pulls a POWER DRILL out of his tights! He turns the drill on and charges at Kingston but Eddie gives him a drop toe-hold onto the bottom turnbuckle that’s still on fire (the drill slides harmlessly into some kid’s feet in the front row!)! Then Bryan, Moxely, Santana and Ortiz all improbably recover at the exact same time and jump into the ring and all four and Kingston do those seated elbows that always go on for far too long to get the win!
MJF vs Ward Lowe – MJF’s mom is shown sitting in the front row holding a sign which reads “KEEP ABORTION LEGAL SO THAT NO OTHER WOMAN HAS TO GO THROUGH WHAT I DID WITH THAT SHIT MAX!” (It’s a very big sign!) Ward is wheeled out on a strether completely bound and with his mouth wired shut like Hannibal Lecter and it takes six minutes to get him cut out! Ward hits a powerbomb right away then walks around the ring looking pumped but TRIPS over MJF’s body and says “oww, my knee!” MJF hits him with the Diamond Ring (the ref is looking at Spears swinging his scarf around threateningly!) and Ward blades! Then MJF writes “PIG” on his chest with the blood and it’s pretty cool but then he just keeps punching him with the ring for another few minutes to completely ruin the impact! Ward eventually makes a comeback with eight powerbombs but when he goes for the ninth he again says “oww, my knee!” and accidentally drops MJF on the ref (who is bending down to pick up Spears’ scarf!) Everyone is down but MJF starts to get up before his MOM jumps in the ring and stands over him with her huge sign! MJF says “what are you going to do, mom, hit me with it? It’s made of paper, like the divorce papers DAD served to you last week! And just like the contract I signed with Khan which is worth nothing!” Then MJF’s mom DOES hit him with the sign and the sign SHATTERS like glass and MJF blades! Then she says “Actually it’s made of STAINED GLASS and now it’s stained with YOUR BLOOD!” and does a crotch chop! Then Ward hits another eight powerbombs for the win and carries MJF’s mom away on his shoulder! (JR: “WHAT ABOUT HIS DAMN KNEE INJURY?”)
Samoan Joe vs Adam Cole – Cole looks to have it won after countless eye rakes, low blows and Booms both with AND WITHOUT the knee pad! But Cole says “I’m going to win it like a real Canadian, eh!” and tries to put the Sharpshooter on Joe! Joe’s legs are just TOO THICK though and he CRUSHES Cole’s little twig-leg between his MIGHTY THIGHS and Cole taps out! Then a giant hologram of STU HART appears on the stage (JR:” BAH GAWD, HE LOOKS ALMOST HUMAN!”) and winks at Joe!
Thunder Rosa vs Serena Deeb – They are having a good match until Deeb just puts a leglock on and lies in it for like three minutes. One fan shouts “BORING!” so Rosa just pulls herself out of the hold and rolls out of the ring completely unhurt! She grabs the mic and says “I am SICK of the disrepsect shown to women’s wrestling so I am WALKING OUT on this match and on AEW” and starts to walk away! Tony Khan comes out looking frantic holding a sheet of paper with “THE FORMAT” written on it in huge letters and waves it at Rosa, but then HIKARU SHIDA lays out Khan with a kendo stick shot to the back of the head and leaves arm in arm with Rosa while Deeb looks confused (JR: “THE BEAUTIFUL FACE OF SERENA DEEB LOOKING SLIGHTLY LESS BEAUTIFUL DUE TO CONFUSION, BUT STILL BEAUTIFUL NONETHELESS, FOLKS!”) For the next six weeks there are videos of Rosa and Shida travelling America together like THELMA AND LOUISE and murdering sexist male indie promoters! Meanwhile Deeb is named the INTERIM women’s champion but only defends it like once agianst Skye Blue or someone on youtube! Then Rosa just comes back and beats Deeb to unify the titles anyway.
Hangman Page vs CM Punk – Hangman just hits a lot of big moves with no build up and no transitions but it’s fine because it gets a good reaction from the fans, I guess! Punk comes back with some classic Bret Hart spots like tying Hagman’s shoelaces together around the ringpost and kicking him in the face repeatedly! Eventually Punk gets tired and says “somebody toss me a Pepsi!” and two hundred cans of Pepsi come flying into the ring like all those chairs hitting Cactus Jack and Terry Funk back in the seventies! Punk catches one of the cans and drinks it while Hangman cowers on the floor! Punk goes for a tope but Hangman DUCKS and Punk crashed into the Muscular Masked Camera Man (the foreshadowing plays off!) Then the MMCM gives Punk a European uppercut(!) and says “I wanted to get out of wrestling and start a new life as a camera man! It just so happened that my first job was filming wrestling! But now you’ve pulled me back in!” and rips his mask off to reveal CESARO! His lifts his camera high above his head, preparing to bring it crashing down into Punk’s balls, but is shocked when someone grabs the camera from behind. He turns round to see COLT CABANA who lays him out with the camera! Punk and Colt then stare at each other and finally HUG to a big pop and a few faintings! (JR: “IS THERE SOME KIND OF HISTORY BETWEEN THESE TWO? I’M LOST, FOLKS!”) Then Hangman does that moonsault to the floor he does and lays both out! He throws Punk back in and goes for the Buckshot Lariat but right when he lands after the flip Punk spits PEPSI (he was storing it in his cheeks!) into Hangman’s face! Hangman is blinded by the Pepsi mist and Punk hits the Go To Sleep for the pin and wins the title!
Right after the match ANDRADE appears on the Elite Tron in bed! The words “HONEYMOON BED” are written above the bed and there is the SHAPE OF A WOMAN under the covers next to him but legally her face and body can’t be shown! Andrade says “This is the last night of my honeymoon and now that I am finished pleasuring my wife I can dedicate myself to DISPLEASURING you, Punk, and taking that tile! But before that…say hello to my FATHER IN LAW!” Then Punk turns around just in time for RIC FLAIR to jump off the top rope and lay him out with a single axe-handle and say “Woooooo, Jack, I’m here for a good time, not a long time! My ticker’s still ticking and you’re about to get a licking! You send your wife AJ to me after Andrade leaves you impotent with the humiliation of taking your title, woooo! Then Tony Khan, Mister booker of the year, YOU will book ME and Andrade for the title at the next pay per view show, woooo! WOOOO!” Then Flair falls over just as the show cuts to black with JR shouting “HE’S DOWN!”
Should be great to watch it live!
Back NEVER with NOTHING!
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