Thursday, 25 March 2010

WrestleMania, Daniel Bryan and more!

OMG I'm here with some hardcore NEWZITY (fooled you!) And the big newz is that I am NOT Hot Newz (that's why I didn't say "OMG I'm back"!) I am in fact HIS NEPHEW, none other than HOT NEWZ JUNIOR! I know all yoru mouths are gaping in shock like you can't believe it BUT YOU BETTA BELIEVE IT! I learned the game from my uncle Hot Newz! Hot Newz taught me everything he knows...but he didn't teach me everything *I* know!!! I know you're all wondering why Hot Newz has quit the internet forever and why I've taken his place so I'll tell you: it's because of what Michael Cole said on NXT. Every single word from Cole's mouth was the absolute TRUTH and it cut deeply into the heart of Hot Newz! My uncle realized that he's a DINOSAUR of the newz world, a relic of the past! Hot Newz is all about DIRTY SHEETS and GEOCITIES when we're in 2009 now, the world of TWITTER and WWE NXT! Hot Newz just couldn't get with the he got the F out! Don't worry, I will continue to provide HOT NEWZ for you all...but it won't be the SMARKY SMARK gay Hot Newz that my gay uncle (he's gay by the way!) provided! So don't expect me to LICK the ASS of Daniel Bryan like Hot Newz would! In fact I'm going to interview Daniel Bryanoit later in this very update and ask him the HARD questions!!!

WWE has relased some SO CALLED Superstars! I say "SO CALLED" because if they were REALLY Superstars they wouldn't have been released at all. I know that's a CONTROVERSIAL thing to say and not something my uncle would ever say, but you're dealing with Hot Newz Junior now!

First to be released was The Hurricane! The reason for this was NOT becasue he got drunk and arrested like you SMARKS think, because if that was the case then Chris Jericho would have been released as well since he was in the car too and it would be unfair to release one and not the other and Vince is NEVER unfair! The REAL reason he was fired was becaue WWE finally got SICK of paying him two paychecks: one as a wrestler and one as an announcer! That's right, he was Gregory Helms as well! Bet you didn't know that! WWE got wise to this SCAM at last and fired him and are now saving DOUBLE the money!

Paul Burchill has also been released! The reason for this is very simple: he lost a loser leaves the WWE match to the Hurricane. How could the WWE keep him employed after that? They couldn't, it would ruin their integrity! His sister Kate is still under contract however becasue she's been wearing a corset on her way to the ring lately and Vicne wants to see where she's going with that!

Also released was Maria! The reason for this? WWE has gone PG and can't have a HARLOT in their employ! She's even been in Playboy with NO clothes! Tiffany has too, but since she did such a good job as General Manager of ECW she will be offered a managerment position and never appear on tv again and wear sexy business suits!

Finally released was Scott Armsstrong and I don't think I have to tell you that the reason why was becaue he accepted a BRIBE from CM Punk and WWE is no place for crooked referees! Also he was racist.

TNA has decided to COPY the WWE as usual by releasing Awesome Kong! Kong will now come to WWE on NXT as a rookie Diva (they're going to have rookie Divas on NXT after WrestleMania!) so that Matt Striker can reference "Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest" every week! And the returning LITA will be her mentor and keep trying to get Kong to do a "Litasault" then Kong finally does one and she's so proud of herself but Lita didn't see because she was sucking Kane's cock (they're back together!) and doesn't believe Kong really did it! Drama!

WWE will use the money they save from these four goons to rehire THE HIGHLANDERS (Robbie and Rory!) except they will be called the ENGLANDERS now (Sir Robert and Master Rorathorne!) and will wear BOWLER HATS in the ring and smoke pipes and kippers!

Mister Anderson sucks!

WrestleMania is JUST around the corner! I remember way back to the EARLY DAYS of Wrestlemania when Chris Jericho and HHH feuded over a dog (Stephanie McMahon!) and Brock Lesnar landed right on his head doing a 450 splash and it turned him into an ignorant homophobe who hates Canada! Can this year's Wrestlemania have any "WrestleMania moments" which match up to those classics? No, it can't! But it can try! Let's take a look at which matches have the best chance of providing a WrestleMania moment!

Batista versus Cena - The only way this can live up to the Wrestlemania standard is if Cena literally KILLS Batista with the STF (you hear his neck SNAP!) then Michale Cole says "Batista is dead, folks" and he's carried away on a stretcher and you never see him again (in real life he's retired to a farm where he breeds dogs and sheep...together!)!

Chris Jericho versus Edge - The only way this can live up to teh WrestleMania standard is if Edge hits a spear but then Jericho kicks out at one becasue Edge's spear looks like shit and woudln't really hurt anyone and Edge says "yeah, you're right!" and gives Jericho a GANSO BOMB off the apron for the countout win (but you can't win the title on countout!)

Bret Hart versus Vince McMahon - Who cares! I don't even know why they're fighting! Vince did the "ring the bell!" thing to Bret? Who cares, they do that every week! Angle got the bell rung on him on Impact a month ago and he's forgotten already! Bret needs to get over it! Also: how old is he? Sixty? Seventy? Can he even keep up with Vince (a proven hard worker for his age)? I doubt it! Take your bathroom break HERE instead of during the Diva's match!

The Undertaker versus Shawn Michaels - This is a tough one as they had a pretty good match last night but on the other hand it was FAR TOO LONG and hopefully this year will be cut down to a sensible time like ten minutes! Also it should be a CASKET MATCH really and Undertaker should tombstone Shawn right into the casket. That's never been done before!

CM Punk versus Rey Mysteris (mask versus hair) - Well OBVIOUSLY Rey's gonig to win because there's no way in HELL that he would EVER take his mask off EVER becasue it's ILLEGAL in Mexico to wrestle without a mask and Rey wrestles in Mexico part time when he's on a break from WWE so there's NO CHANCE OF EVER SEEING REY WITHOUT HIS MASK EVER so foget that! And if Punk loses his hair it won't even be bad for him because he's straight edge and that means you should shave your head! The only thing I can think of is that they shave Punk's head and reveal a DRUG tattoo on his skull! Like a COCAINE PIPE or something equally drugtastic! This would reveal that Punk is a HIPPOCRAT and I think that's what will happen!

Triple H versus SHAMEus - Finlay will run in after ten minutes of sweaty action and hit HHH with his IRISH STICK and reveal that he is SHAMEUS's dad as well! Then Hornswoggle will give HHH the Tadpole Splash as revege for the constant abuse he's suffered and the Finlay Dynasty will be born!

The Miz and The Big Show versus John Morrison and R Truth - Morrison has been DEMOTED to tag action after Vince noticed that Starship Pain looks like shit! And R Truth has been PROMOTED to appearing on WrestleMania becasue Vince is going to starting selling CDs of "WHAT'S UP!" at the shows! But everyone has already illegally downloaded that GREAT SONG anyway so it will backfire! Anyway this match will end when DANIEL BRYAN runs out with a chair and looks like he's going to hit the Miz but SWERVES and hits Morrison (in the back) then says "THE MIZ IS AWESOME!" and does a Miz Dance and Miz smiles and says "I have taught you well." Then Bryan gets a Miz haircut too!

Randy Orton versus Cody Rhodes verus Ted Debased - No chance of a WrestleMania moment here unless you count the world's first ten minute long threeway chinlock as a WrestleMania moment!

Money IN The Wank Ladder Match - I can't remember remember who is in this mathc but it's obvious that KOFI KINGSTON will do a Boom Drop off the top of one ladder through another ladder to have a WrestleMania moment but then Shelton Benjamin will attempt a senton bomb off the rafters onto the top of a ladder and end up landing CROTCH FIRST on Kane's knee by mistake and everyone will remember that instead of the Boom Drop! Also: Christian will win.

Diva Match: WWE is more PG than DISNEY now so there's no chance we'll see naked breasts popping out all over the place like in the GOOD OLD DAYS (my uncle used to masturwank to the classic Wendie Retard/Mae Young classic at WrestleMania 6 when all four tits popped out!) which means it is an INSULT to the hard-working fans to put the POOR WORKRATING Divas on a WrestleMania at all!

As you can see AND I THINK YOU'LL AGREE there is literally 100% NO CHANCE IN HELL of there being a classic WM Moment on this year's WrestleMania...but it'll still be better than every TNA show ever put together multiplied by a million!

Speaking of TNA, as you all stinking well know by now Hulk Hogan is the NEW head booker and Vince Russo is working under him (NOT sexually...I don't THINK so anyway...)! As a result there's been a CLASH OF EGOS and Hogan keeps rewriting everyone Russo writes! I managed to get my hands on a LEAKED script from an Impact from a month ago (or myabe it's from NEXT WEEK, it's impossible to tell with Impact!) which revealed the extent to which Hogan and Russo are clashing! And here it is!

Segment One

Russo: Okay, get this, let me lay this shit on ya mooks, Homicide comes down to the ring. He's literally in the ring talking! He says "JEFF HARDY! You son of a coward scaredy cat! I know you're in prison for trafficking - AND THAT'S A SHOOT BY THE WAY - but if you was any kind of a damn man at all you'd break out of your cell, murder all the guards that got in your way, steal a police car and drive over here to the Impact Zone to fight me right in the middle of this a TEXAS HOLD 'EM DEATH MATCH!" Jeff Hardy's music plays (we don't have the rights to his WWE music, of course, so play something vaguely similar and have Tazz says "NOT FOR NOTHING THAT'S JEFF HARDY'S MUSIC I'D RECOGNISE IT ANYWHERE!"...

SWERVE, it's actually Mick Foley who comes out, riding down to the ring on a stretcher for some reason (like he did in '98 which I wrote and it'll look just as cool today!) and he pulls a microphone out of his shoes because he's KOOKY and says "you know what Homicide I'm sick of your CRAP coming out here every week saying the same thing about wanting Jeff Hardy to break out of jail! And also everyone knows that I want a meeting with Hulk Hogan and everyone ALSO knows that later on this show the Hulkster's going to have a meeting with every champion in TNA so I'm going to win YOUR stinking X Division title which I don't even want just to get a meeting with Hogan, bang bang!" Foley INSTANTLY gives Homicide a pedigree (as an insider reference) and it's so quick that people on the internet will speculate that Homicide TOOK A DIVE for him! However before he can make the pin, STING (who is up in the rafters of course, logically!) drops his baseball bat and Foley catches it and the referee sees Foley holding the bat and disqualifies him! Then Tenay speculates that Sting is in CAHOOTS with someone but before he can reveal who it's TOO THE BACK!

Hogan: Brother, I love it. But I'd make some key changes. First of all, dude, Homicide should challenge Jeff to a "LATINO STREET FIGHT IN THE STREETS" since he's one of them latin dudes, brother. Second of all, brah, Foley should hit the Stunner instead of the Pedigree so that the rubes will think Cold Stone's coming to TNA. Sting should drop the bat by ACCIDENT and Tazz says "BUTTERFINGERS!!!" and this starts a storyline where Sting's lost his confidence and only finding faith in the strength of Hulkamania can help him get it back! And Foley should call me "the Great Hulk Hogan." Otherwise you've hit one out of the park, dude!

Segment Two

Russo: Ric Flair arrives in the arena with a CHINESE WOMAN on his arm but refuses to speak to Bubba Sponge! In the background, Raven is eating out of a trash can!

Hogan: Dude, you know, I know Flair and I think it should be a KOREAN WOMAN with him, brother, not no Chinese dame, dude. But good call on Raven (he's that fat guy in jean shorts, isn't he)! We're firing him soon anyway!

Russo: Maybe he could find a pink slip in the trash?

Hogan: Dude, that's tremendous! Then a garbage truck could drive up and haul him away with the rest of the garbage, brah!

Segment Three

Russo: The Beautiful People come MARCHING out to the ring and barely even pause to show their asses as they enter (but they still do pause and the director should still zoom in, let me make that clear!) then say "okay we are SICK of that SKANK Angelina Love constantly attacking our asses! We need our asses! Angelina, come out here now with a partner OR SHOULD I SAY SKANK-NER of your choosing and fight us in this ring you skank!" Then some music that sounds a bit like Lady GaGa plays and Angelina comes out with a woman dressed exactly as LADY GAGA (Tazz: "Could it be her, Cole?") and the Beautiful People run away in fear because they know they can't defeat Angelina and GaGa! Then Angelina KISSES GaGa and she pulls her wig off to reveal that it's TORRIE WILSON and she says "that's right, it's me, Torrie Wilson!" in case anyone doesn't recognize her!

Hogan: Hmm, bro, theres' a few problemos with this. I don't know who this Lady Gaggy is, first of all. I say Angelina (who's she anyway?) should come out with my daughter Brooke and says "that's right, I'm here with the boss's daughter, OR SHOULD I SAY HOT-AUGHTER!" Then Brooke throws Angelica off the stage and says "my only loyality is to my big buff daddy, sistah!" Then them two girls in the ring should run like fun, brother!

Segment Four

Russo: THE POPE comes out to the ring but before he can talk he's interrupted by Orlando Jordan and Kipp Jammes (rehire him if he's fired!) Kipp says "I've finally found a MAN who is MAN enough to be the MAN for me and that is Orlando!" and then they act like they're about to KISS but at the last second SO CAL VAL holds a piece of paper up between their lips so that they don't actually make contact and it's ambiguous as to if they're gay or not! Then the Pope's about to attack them but before he can, RHYNO has run out through da crowd and he GORES the Pope and says "you want a title shot, I WANT A TITLE SHOT, FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW IN A TITLE SHOT MATCH!, I'M NOT A WAR MACHINE BECAUSE THE WWE HOLD THE COPYRIGHT TO THAT PHRASE, I AM NOW A WAR ROBOT!" and makes robot noises! Then he picks up Pope and Pope ROLLS HIM UP and So Cal Val counts the three and Pope's got a title shot by beating Rhyno!!

Hogan: Dude, you lost me at the gay. I ain't no homophobe, brah, I even shook hands with the Brookyln Brawler one time, but you got to remember we've got children watching and kids shouldn't find out homosexuality exists until they turn eighteen. That's how I'm rasing Brooke and Nasty Nick and they've turned out to be great kids. Maybe Orlando and Kipp could kiss some SEXY TWINS (female twins)? There has to be some sexy twins we can hire! But I'm fine with Rhyno and Pope doing their stuff, it's all meaningless anyway!

Segment Five

Russo: Scott Hall and X-Pac come out and say "hey yo, DIESEL ENGINE, we be here, but it don't look like you got no tag partner or nothing, ha ha ha!" Then Nash says "that's where you're wrong, here is my partner!" and out comes BIG SID (his offcial name!) Sid is wearing tights which say "HALF A BRAIN" on them which is a SUBTLE reference only internet fans will have Tenay and Tazz draw attention to it and keep laughing all throughout the match. Nash and Sid hit STEREO POWERBOMBS through TABLES and finally Nash has revenge on The Band! However afterwards Big Sid grabs the mike and says "REMEMBER OUR AGREEMENT! WE WILL NOW HAVE A CONTEST TO SEE WHO THE REAL KING OF POWERBOMBS IS!" and Nash says "Umm, sure, big man. Hey, look over there!" and points at So Cal Val and while Big Sid is distracted Nash gives him a LOW BLOW (but not a powerbomb, obviously neither of these men are ever going to take that bump so this feud will have no payoff)

Hogan: Umm, I never actually pinned Sid at WrestleMania 8, did I? In fact that nasty Mumbo Jumbo Vodoo Man Papa Shango messed up the timing and Big Sid even got to kick out of my legdrop! So this is a good idea bringing Big Sid in, because it means I can have a match with him (maye this week if there's time!) and pin him with the legdrop. Except I can't actually do the legdrop anymore. So brass knux then. Dude! Uhh, anyway, the match is fine. Can we just get onto a segment which has me in it, please?

Segment Six

Russo: Okay, let's pop a rating with this one, HULK HOGAN comes marching out to the ring and says "I know this isn't scheduled yet, but I could wait no longer, brothers! I'm calling out EVERY champion in TNA for a sepcial meeting in this ring to discuss the future of TNA right now!" Instead of the champions, JEFF JARRETT comes marching out in STREET CLOTHES and says "Hogan, I can't stand listening to you no more! You think you know what's best for TNA? I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR TNA. I put the T in TNA! And the N! And the A! And ain't I GREAT?" Then he pulls a GUITAR out of his tights and threatens Hogan with it! Hogan says "take a swing, brother, I'll just Hulk Up and give you three punches, a big boot and a brass knux shot, brother!" Jarrett swings but at the last second BRUTUS BEEFCAKE jumps in the path of the guitar and takes it right in the head! Then Hogan cradles Beefcake in his arms and cries "no, NOOOO, not the Beefster, he was my best friend!" Beefcake in his DYING MOMENTS (of course he's not really dying, it's just acting!) hands Hogan a pair of SCISSORS and Hogan starts Hulking Up and says "Jeff, I challenge you to a HAIR VERSUS HAIR MATCH!!!"

Hogan: You know, I don't think it necessarily needs to be acting.

Russo: What?

Hogan: When Beefcake takes the guitar. I think he'd be willing to die for real!

Russo: Umm...we just use fake guitars.

Hogan: Fake guitars, that's bullshit, brah! The fans don't want to see no fake guitars or six sided rings or Curry Man or any of that crap! They want REAL guitars! Look, Beefcake's probably suicidal anyway, you would be too if you had his life. This will show that he's willing to die for Hulkamania!

Russo: Uhh...okay...

Hogan: Then it's settled! Also, Jeff Jarrett should be wearing purple which everyone knows is the colour of EVIL to show that he's EVIL and I'm good. And he should say "these stinking fans!" randomly when he's talking.

Segment Seven

Russo: Mister Anderson comes out to the ring with the American flag on a poll and says "Kurt Angle! Let's settle this once and for all in a capture the flag match!" And Kurt Angle comes out and says "it ain't not gonna by that easy for you or nothing! If you win this match I will EAT the american flag LIVE on tv! But If I win the match...I get to roll you up in the flag and throw you off a bridge!" Then Anderson looks around and says "IT'S ON LIKE TAMPONS" and smashes his microphone into Kurt's eye and the microphone EXPLODES and Kurt blades and Tazz says "oh no, he's blind!" Anderson then gets the pin PULLING THE TIGHTS and takes out some bread and puts the flag between it so that Kurt can eat it as a SANDWICH! Kurt takes a big bite right out of the middle of the sandwich flag and the fans BOO but then Kurt pulls the bread away to reveal it's actually the CANADIAN flag with a big hole bitten out of it and he switched them somehow! Then Kurt starts MAULING Anderson with STIFF FOREARMS and BITES until Anderson TAPES OUT and Kurt pulls on the ring apron and the whole thing rolls over Anderson and somehow the ringmat was a GIANT AMERICAN FLAG all along and then Kurt gives Anderson a 450 splash wrapped up in the flag!

Hogan: Dude, I'm on the phone to Brian Knobbs right now, he's fallen over in the show...shit, he's stuck in his tub...I'm going to have to go over there and pry him out...yeah, do that shit with Kurt, I don't care!

The rest of the script was so completely obscured by semen stains that I couldn't read it!

And now for my EXCLSUIVE interview with Daniel Bryan! What a jumped-up prick he turned out to be, as you're about to discover!

Me: OMG, it's Daniel Bryan!

Daniel: Hi, good to talk to you.

Me: It's so kewl to be talking to you, dood!

Daniel: Haha, you a big fan?

Me: No, but you know The Miz! Miz is awesome!

Daniel: Haha, he's a bit of a jerk.

Me: Stop saying "haha" so much.

Daniel: Look, I'm just trying to keep things nice and friendly, I have a good relationship with my fans...

Me: I'm not a fan! I didn't even know who you were before NXT! You never did shit before WWE!

Daniel: Look, I've wrestled all over the world...


Daniel: Canada, Mexico...

Me: Oooh, it must be SO hard to work in Meixco, doing nothing but armdrags everynight in front of fifty drunks with air horns and cowbells!

Daniel: Japan...

Me: Who cares! Japan isn't a real wrestling company!

Daniel: I've wrestled in front of tens of thousands of fans in New Japan show...

Me: LIAR! There aren't even tens of thousands of people LIVING in Japan! It's just a stinking little island!

Daniel: There's some great wrestling companies running shows in Japan...

Me: So why do all the biggest Japanese stars like TAKA Michinoclue, The Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Yoko Zuna, Jimmy Wang yang and of course Kenzo Suzuki come to America to wrestle? YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER, DO YOU? It's becasue America is the place to be!

Daniel: I thought Hot Newz was a respected wrestling journalist!

Me: That was my GAY uncle who was a GAYspected wrestling GAYalist! Did you never see his Hot Newz Shuffle? That was gayer than your haircut! I'm a whole new Hot Newz and I don't respect you or your submission moves!

Daniel: Fine. Just ask me some good questions.

Me: Your new finisher the Heel Hook...why is it such a GAY copy of Kurt Angle's ankle lock?

Daniel: The heel hook is a legit move used by many MMA fighters...

Me: MMA is all fake anyway and you've just PROVED IT by seeing the heel hook is a legit move! If it's legit then EXPLAIN THIS: why do you twist the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY than Kurt Angel does when he uses the ankle lock? If Kurt twisting the ankle that way hurts, then you twisting the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY must feel GOOD! You're actually giving your opponent a nice massage! You fruit!

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your "new" crossface is just Shawn Michaels' great crossface except you stick your foot in your opponent's face! What, are they supposed to pass out from the smell because you're a cheap indy guy who can't afford CLEAN SOCKS?

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your guilloting choke couldn't even beat da Great Khali!

Daniel: Hey, Khali is a former world champion, he's beaten The Undertaker...

Me: Years ago! And only because Raijin Shing stole the urn or something! His workrate is so low now that he can't bet Dolph Ziggler! He can't beat Matt Hardy in a dance-off!

Daniel: Look, he's got a big size advantage...

Me: FUNAKI has a big size advnatage against you! When are you actually going to WIN anyway? You've lost to everyone! You lost again this week!

Daniel: Miscommunication with my partner...

Me: No, you missed a move off the second-rope and Otunga gave you a shitty spinebuster for the pin! Why should I even care about you at all if you can't even win a match? WHY SHOULD ANYBODY CARE?

Danie: Come least I'm better than Heath Slater!

Me: Okay, that's true!


Well that's it for me, this job SUCKS I'm never doing it again, Uncle Hot Newz isn't coming back either because he's probably DEAD! SO BYE!


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