Monday, 27 September 2010

Matt Hardy Special!

OMG I am back from my vegetable state with more Hot Newz! I woke up from my HHH induced coma when I heard that Matt Hardy has been going kerazy on Twitter! A SEXY NURSE read his tweets to me and it cured me of vegetation! Then we had sex on my hospital bed, using the bedpan as a sex toy and everything! I am BACK now with the most in-depth, hard-hitting, detailed story on MATT HARDY GOING CRAZY that you will EVER read! Don't even subscribe to the Observer because you won't find these kinds of details there (just lots of crap about MMA that nobody cares about!) So READ ON loyal readers (I think there's about three of you left!) for the REAL truth about Matt Hardy!

...but FIRST, I will take a look at the new season of NXT! Unlike the previous BORING seasons featuring rookies like David Octopus, Heath Ledger, Musky Harris, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and Kaval (ten years in the business and he's STILL not passed his pro exam to become a pro!) this seaosn features only HOT DIVAS and is therefore the BEST or shoud I say BREAST season of NXT in history! The only appropriate way to discuss this seaons is to rank the Rookie Divas (Roovas!) in order of who is the most suitable to be a Diva (mainly based on who I'd most like to bang the shit out of!) and here is that ranking!

1) Katlyn - Well, DUH! She has big juicy thighs like MEN like, she has big juicy fake breasts like REAL MEN like and she actually has a sense of humor! Okay so she stole all her jokes form tv shows, but she at least stole from GOOD shows like The Office and Seinfeld and Law And Order: SVU and not BAD shows like Frasier and Cheers (have you noticed taht they both have Ted Dancing in them!?) That thing about imaginign the audience in their underwear was SUPPOSED to be bad because it was post-ironic humor! she can't wrestle at all but neither could Layla six months ago and now she's better than Trish (and hotter!)

2) Naomi - OMG, did you see those white pants on Smackdown? She has a LOT of junk in her ass if you know what I mean! Naomi is a LEGIT REAL athlete who could easily win an olympic gold medal in ANY sport she chosses as proven by her amazing performance in capture the flag! She is also great int he ring as she has had secret training sessions from AWESOME KONG who is actually her cousin (I'm not just saying this because they're both black, it's true!) and will be Naomi's bodyguard on smackdown in a month!

3) AJ - She is supposed to be the new Mickie James but you'd need TWO AJs to WEIGH the same as ONE Mickie James if you know what I mean! Also she had an annoying voice! I HATE THAT. On the other hand, I'd shit the bang out of her!

4) Jaime Chung - I thought she was supposed to be Asian! Isn't teh NXT ring announcer asian and isn't she the NXT ring announcer? So how come she's not asian!? Unless she's one of those asians who doesn't LOOK asian in which case what's the point of that! The whole point of asians is that they are asian! Or maybe she's white, I don't know. She sucks anyway!

5) Maxine - I can't remember which one she is.

6) Ahsoka Tano - She don't speak no English! What's the point!? Goldust should trade her in for another mail order russian bride! Or Terri Runnels should come out and burn her with a cigar causing Goldust to moan in sexual pleasure! On the other hand, she is REALLY HOT and looks just like Trish and I LOVE Trish (more than Layla!) so maybe she should be first, actually!

And now at long last I can present to you my SPECIAL INVESTIGATION into Matt Hardy goign crazy and being fat! This all started MONTHS AGO when Matt showed up fat at Smackdown (so fat that they banned him from doing the second rope legdrop for fear that he'd break the ring!) and Vince said "you're jobbing to Drew McIntyre, pal!" and Matt nodded meekly and said "yes sir..." but then pulled his blackberry out of his pants and started TWEETING to the world! Many of Matt's tweets have since been deleted (because he realized they were fucking retarded) but I saved them all and will present them to you RIGHT HERE!

"Sick and tired of being asked to job to drew mcintyre and my voice saying yes. that's right you smarks marks, they ask you first. they ask. i wish i could make my voice say no just once. maybe if you all tweet your support I will"

"Just came up with a new t-shirt idea...a close-up of my appendix scar with 'BURSTING for success!' underneath...would be a brilliant new direction for the Matt Hardy brand!"

"What do you know, management don't like my t-shirt idea. Said it was the 'stupidist shit ever'! I know that's a lie, because I've suggested much stupider shit in the past! Don't know how much longer I can put up with them treating my brand this way."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. i looked at the audience afterwards and i could tell that they could all tell that it was bullshit. i winked at them. i think they understood."

"I want all you fans to start chanting 'we don't want Matt to job to Drew at house shows' at house shows if it looks like I'm about to job to Drew at a house show...thanx."

"you know things aren't always as they seem....sometimes it might look like someone's brother is facing drug trafficking charges...but what if that brother is actually testifying against the mafia and the drug charges are just a cover...think about it."

"just beat drew mcintyre by dq on a house show...the winds of change are changing."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. some stooge punk pigeon must have stooled me out and told the bookerman about this twitter. i'm not saying any names...or should I say, I'm not CM'ing any names. that punk."

After being destroyed on smackdown by Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler and even Musky Harriss on an episode of NXT nobody but me watched (but it DID happen!), Matt was LITERALY BURIED by Dashing Cody Rhosdes on Smackwon!

"List Matt, even though my dad is an ugly potato with a blotch on his belly, I'm still better looking than you! And so is he! Listen Matt, even though your weight game is a result of an intestinal injury you suffered in the WWE ring and it's completely irresponsible for us to keep bringing it up, and these kind of segmetns will end up coming back to bite Linda McMahon in the ass...I'm still going to bring it up! You fat! You ate your own push! And Jack Swagger's! Haha!"

Matt finally SNAPPED after jobbing to CM Punk on a house show in jolly old England!

*Matt grabs the microphone from Jaime Chung*

Matt: Yeah, you better run, Punk! I'll shoot kick your ass! You might be a master of shoot karate, but I've been shooting in my backyard with Jeff, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID HIS NAME, since I was two years old and Jeff wasn't even born! You think you can take me? Well, take THIS!

*Matt does a really crappy looking kick into thin air*

Matt: POW-YAH! YEAH!! You gonna come back and fight me, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH? Thought not! Yeah, I'm shooting from the hip here, fellas. Or should I say, England, shooting from the PIP PIP!

*crowd stare at him blankly*

Matt: Yeah, you're all stunned because this isn't PART OF THE SHOW. Yeah, that's right, the old boy's network have been trying to keep the Matt Hard Brand down because I was getting too popular! They're scared that I'll get more popular than Cena and Randy Orton combined multiplied by a million and that they'll have to give me the belt! Guess what! I already HAVE a belt and it holds my trousers up! That's the only belt I need because all I care about are my fans! But if you keep jobbing me out, Vince, you phoney, you scumbag, you scumnose, if you keep jobbing me out, then I'll BE out...of this company! I'll make an IMPACT elsewhere, if you know what I mean! Now that's total non-stop Mattitude, if you know what I mean! That's mister TNA, if you smell what I'm cooking! That's the bottom line, because Hulk Hogan says so!

*the fans start throwing things at Matt*

Matt: You're giving me gifts! Thanks a lot! I love England! I love every part of England, like Scotland and Wales and Ireland! I love your bangers and mash! Your stake and kidney pies! I love Ricky Gervais and that stupid laugh he always does! I love the queen! Is that her there?

*Matt points at an old woman in the crowd*

Matt: Hello, your majetsty! Or should I say, your MATTesty! I...

*his microphone is finally cut and Matt just stands in the ring looking around for about a minute before walking backstage, waving*

Matt(shouting): You haven't seen the last of me! That is, if TNA do tours of England...

After this SHOCKING display (all the agents were too busy laughing at him to cut his microphone sooner!) WWE decided to take Matt OFF THE ROAD and SEND HIM HOME as exclusively revealed by ME on my TWITTER (if you didn't see it you're obviously not following me and I won't tell you my twitter name because if you don't know it already then you don't DESERVE to read my exclusives!) Matt then promised something BIG on Twitter!

"Hoo boo...:::laughing:::...I've got somethign that will BLOW YOU how Lita used to blow me away :::choking with laughter::: only joking I love you Lita. Call me. Please."

Matt then HIT BACK with a very special youtube video from England!

*we see a shot of Matt's feet, walking down a road*

Matt: That's right, fans. That's my FEET. Walking down a ROAD. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was sent OFF THE ROAD? How can I be off the road if I am, in fact, on the road?

*a car nearly runs over Matt*

English Driver: Get off the road, you bloody wankpot!

Matt: Haha, sorry! One of my fans there, waving to me. Interesting, though, isn't it, that he was driving on the LEFT side of the road. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was SENT HOME. They don't drive on the left at home! Not unless they're high on drugs like...well, not like Jeff, becasue he doesn't do drugs...FORGET I SAID THAT. The point is...

*he points the camera at BIG BEN the big English clock that can be seen from anywhere in England because it's so big!!*

Matt: I am still in ENGLAND! I haven't been sent home AT ALL! But that would mean...that the smark smarts and the dirty sheets and CRZ and 411 and Rajah and Sean Shannon and WrestleLine and ScoopThis and Bill Apter were all WRONG! Hmmm, maybe you SHOULDN'T believe everything you see and read. LIKE A CERTAIN DRUG TRIAL FOR A CERTAIN BROTHER. Or CM Punk WINNING matches when in actual fact if the matches were real CM Punk would LOSE those same matches! Everyone in England has been so supportive and I've even got a meeting scheduled with their beloved Prime Minister Tony Blair! Here, I'll just grab a random woman off the street and ask her what she thinks of the WWE violating my career...

*Matt grabs a random woman off the street*

Woman: Aaaah, what's going on!?

Matt: Excuse me miss, but what do you think of the WWE RAPING my career?

Woman: Rape? RAPE?

*she pulls out a rape whistle and starts blowing it*

Woman: RAPE!!!

(Matt pushes her away and runs off. He runs for a while longer until he gets tired.)

Matt: She was probably a CM Punk fan! And I'm NOT tired because I'm fat and running is too much's because I just took ten somas, okay? So stop making fun of me! Anyway, I think I'll go back to my hotel and have some English food...somas and mash! Soma and kidney pie! Seeya!

*Matt runs away as he hears a police car*

As you can see, Matt was utterly insane in the membrane now! Tony Blair isn't even the Prime Minster of Britain (more like the Prime MASTURWANKER!), Margret Thatcher is, everbody knows that! However WWE still didn't want to release him because they knew if Matt went to TNA he'd reunite with Jeff Hardy and literally twelve overweight Hardy Boyz fangirls would DEFECT from watching WWE to watching TNA! But then Vince finally found out about Matt going crazy when Kelly Kelly told him in bed (they were having sex!) and said "I can't have a CRAZY HARDY BOY running about eating somas and calling Lita a slut, that will endanger Linda's political career if it gets out! Kelly, I'll service you sexually in five minutes, right after I MAKE A CALL..." Vince then called up Matt and said "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRED!" and hung up! WWE then fnally put a statement on their website...

"World Wrestling Entertaiment has come to terms with Superstar Matt Hardy and released him from his contract. To be honest we would have done it years ago but we needed a good jobber after Funaki left. And we knew Matt really wanted to leave so we decided to keep him around to cause him more pain. HA HA HA. WWE wishes him good luck in his future endeavours...because he's going to need it!"

Matt was IMMEDIATELY signed by TNA as announced cryptically on Dixie's Twitter ("just signed a famous wrestling brother to a BIG BUCKS deal..and it's not Kane! It's Matt Hardy!") and TNA's ace writer Vince Russo INSTANTLY constructed a storyline for Matt's debut!

"Okay, get this, let me lay this on y'all, ya mooks! First of all, Rhino leaves EV 2.0 because "I want to dominate the TAG TEAM PLANET!" and after a one week search forms a new tag team with none other than SHARK BOY who wears new METALLIC ring gear! Their aim is to dominate both on land AND at sea! To get them over they will first LOSE by DQ to Generation Me when Rhina and Sharkboy BITE one of those bums, and then lose clean the next week to The Motor City Machine Guns and after the match Rhina GORES the barricade in rage to really get him over and the barricade EXPLODES! But what's this? MATT HARDY was sitting behind the barricade in disguise because he was attending the show as a fan! Part of the barricade goes in Matt's eye and he is BLINDED and not seen for three weeks!

Matt then RETURNS showing no sings of an eye injury (because he's TOUGH) and says "you know what, Rhino and Shark Boy, people have been trying to bully me two on one my whole life and that's a shoot! People UP NORTH were HOLDING ME DOWN because they knew that I could SOAR to the HEAVENS if they didn't and that's a shoot! So you guys want to bully me two on one, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUH? How about trying it...TWO ON TWO! That's right! At the next pay per view I will team up with a VERY SPECIAL MAN from North Carolina to take you NIMRODS down...and it will be extreme...TEAM EXTREME...OOOOH YEAH!"

So then at the pay per view Matt comes out first and says "and now my tag partner, he's a man I've known all my is of course...SHANNON MOORE!" and Shannon Moore comes out made up to look like Jeff! This will be UNEXPECTED and will POP the crowd and create a BUZZ on the internet and Shannon Moore will probably be trending on Twitter too! Rhina and Sharkboy win when Sharkboy (NOT RHINO) gores Shannon out of his boots and you see Shannon's boots literally pop off! This sets up a feud between Rhino and Sharkboy over who has the best gore! Then Matt helps Shannon up and says "you tried your best...BUT YOU FAILED! HOLLYWOOD MATT HARDY HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!" and gives him a Twist Of Fate onto broken glass!

On the next Impact Matt comes out and says 'you stinking fans all want to cheer me and have been dying to see me in TNA, well guess what? I don't care about any of you! My Twitter account was run by an assisstant! I made A MILLION BUCKS up North! The only reason I came to TNA? To get some of Dixie's sweet sweet cash! And IF MY BROTHER JEFF wants to fight me in a loser leaves town hundred dollar buck ladder match where there's a hundred dollars suspended from the rafters then COME ON DOWN!' But Jeff doesn't come out (he's either in jail or doing an injury angle!) SHANNON MOORE comes out to finally get his revenge and kicks Matt in the balls and climbs up the ladder and takes the hundred bucks...but then he looks at it closely and say 'Huh? This is a forgery!' and Matt gives him a twist of fate off the ladder and says 'Of course it's a forgery! I love my fans! I loVe the TNA galaxy! I don't care about money at all, it was all a test! I wanted to see what was in your soul, Shannon! Because the only thing in my soul...IS LOVE!' Then Matt goes on to feud with Nigel McGuinness or someone.

Unfortunately, since WWE owns the name 'Matt Hardy' he'll have to wrestle under his Omega name 'The Angelic Devil' Monster!"

Wow, I can't wait to not see that!

WWE has since DELETED the news of his release and Dixie has said "Umm, I was talking about Mickie James. IN CODE!" and Matt has released a random, rambling video about grapes! "I'm not lazy, I don't eat McDonald's, EH-EH! I EAT GRAPES! Would someone who only eats McDonald's be able to slam a tornado and dry up the seas? No, only a grape eater could do tthat!"

But that was just the crazy tip of the derranged iceberg of madness! Matt then released a video so batshit insane that Meltzer said it was a work, but I can reveal that it was in fact a NON-WORK (a shoot!) and here is the exclusive transcript as youtube have deleted it for being too disturbing!

*Matt is moonwalking in a wrestling ring. He turns round like he's just noticed the camera.*

Matt: Oh, hi! Didn't see you there! Welcome!

*He takes out a pipe, lights it and starts smoking*

Matt: Do I have a COUGH COUGH...a tale to tell you!

*He throws the pipe away.*

Matt: Filthy habbit, the wife is always telling me to quit! So, I suppose you all want to know what's going on with me! There's been a lot of speculation. A lot of drama. A lot of SPECUDRAMA. But here';s the truth. The straight dope. Not the kind of dope Jeff doesn't smoke, but the TRUTH! I AM AN ELEPHANT. ROAR!

*Matt holds his hand in front of his nose like it's a trunk.*

Matt: Haha, only joking! Of course I'm not elephant! Of course not roar! The REAL truth? I have a...condition. A condition of the mind. A mental condition, if you will. How can I explain...well, you know that episode of Star Trek where they got to an alternate universe? And in this mirror universe Picard is evil and has hair and he's sexually abusive of Riker who doesn't have a beard and Geordi his telescopes for eyes? Remember that episode? It ends with Troi giving Data a sexual oiling? Because he's a robot, you see? REMEMBER IT? Yeah? WELL THAT'S MY LIFE. You see these mirror universes ARE REAL. I looked out into the void and at the same time, my mirror self looked out. And do you know what we saw? EACH OTHER. Our minds intersected. Our minds MELDED. And in that moment I became TWO PEOPLE, not one-uh! I can access that other Matt at any fact, do you want to hear from him now? Here we go!

*Matt sucks his gut in and makes a funny face*

Matt: I am the other Matt Hardy! I come from a universe where it is Matt Hardy, NOT JEFF, who is the big star in TNA making millions of bucks! I come from a universe where I just gave Hulk Hogan a Twist Of Fate off the top of a cage through a table! I come from a universe WHERE LITA STILL LOVES ME. Ahem. I come from a universe where everything is better. That's why YOUR universe's Matt has gone crazy He saw this new unvierse and became depressed at being trapped in a universe of jobbing to Drew McIntyre on house shows and being choked by Mickie James when he comes onto her! Don't worry! Everything will be okay soon...when Matt manages to open a Stargate leading to my universe and comes to live with MEEEEE!

*Matt smiles*

Matt: It's me again, this universe's Matt Hardy! As you can all see, I'm not crazy at all! So don't believe the dirty sheets...

*He pulls a copy of the Observe and the Pro Wresting Torch out of his pants and gives them both the Twist of Fate*

Matt: Even though no one actually reads the Torch but me and you only know what they're saying because I'm telling you about it...don't believe them! Believe in me! HUUUUUUH!

Finally I have decided to go to the source and get the INSIDE SCOOP from Matt Hardy himself by calling him on his home phone number which I have because I'm on the inside!

Me: Hello, Matt?

Matt talking in a woman's voice: No, this isn't Matt...

Me: Who is it?

Obviously Matt trying desperately to sound like a girl: It's Lita, of course!

Me: Funny, sounds like Matt to me...

"Lita": No, it's me! In the flesh! The beautiful soft flesh...

Me: Prove it by saying something only Lita would know!

"Lita": CM Punk and Edge have really small penisdicks!

Me: But I've seen the Punk/Serena pics with visible nipple and cock slip and his willy is huge!

"Lita": Photoshop! Anyway, Matt's is STILL bigger even than those fake pics. You dirty linen writers should do your research!

Me: By sleeping with Matt Hardy?

"Lita": Yes! If you're a hot girl, that is! By the way, I'm naked.

Me: Naked!? What ARE you doing at Matt's place anyway?

"Lita": Isn't that obvious, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUH? We just had the sex! Matt's done it with girls and everything! Totally! Yeah! That's why he can't come to the phone right now, he's so tired...

Me: Not because he just took a dozen somas...


Me: How come you aren't tired then, Lita?

"Lita": Because I've had sex with so many men! I have a higher threshold for sexual tiredness than any woman on the planet! But that was all training! That was just me getting ready to pleasure the greatest love of my life, Matt Hardy, VERSION SEX.

Me: So why did you cheat on him with Edge?

"Lita": What you don't know is, when I was cheating on Matt with Edge I was also actually cheating on Edge with Matt! Emotionally, that is. Not actual sex.

Me: Well, what's going on with Matt now? He wants a release, the WWE won't give him one!

"Lita": They're scared that he'll start his own wrestling company with Hurricane, Jeff, Shannon Moore, Pete Gas and me named CYBER OMEGA and broadcast only online!

Me: That doesn't sound very scary!

"Lita": Did I mention that BOB HOLLY will be the special "enforcer"?

Me: No, you didn't.

"Lita": Oh...right.

Me: So what's Matt going to do to get released?

"Lita": Who can tell? Matt is an enigma. But he's also charismatic, so people are drawn to him. A charismatic enigma, you could say...

Me: No, that's Jeff.

"Lita": Yeah, in THIS universe!

Me: Umm...

"Lita": Oh, I thnk I see Matt stirring in the distance...I'll see if he can talk.

(One second later.)


Me: You got to the phone quick!

Matt: It's my new diet. It helps me do a LOT of things quicker! Just ask Lita, haha

Me: But didn't you used to say "Matt Hardy will not diet!"

Matt: Haha, good pun...but don't disrespect the Matt Hardy Brand like that. Seriously.

Me: What will you do if WWE NEVER release you, like how the Genius was employed by WCW for fifteen years but never once appeared on tv?

Matt: Hang out with YOU GREAT FANS on Twitter!

Me: Well I hope they release you soon then!

Matt: Look Hot Newz, you dirty sheet writer, you human parasite, you miserable rodent, there's something I've always want to ask you...can you show me how to do the Hot Newz shuffle?

Me: NO. You have to be COOL to do the Hot Newz Shuffle!

Matt: But I am cool! Tell him, Lita!

"Lita" (high pitched): He's cool!

Me: Why are you talking like that, Lita?

"Lita": Uhh...I just huffed some helium.

Me: DRUGS? I thought CM Punk got you off then! Or did he just GET YOU OFF...IN BED!


Me: Well I still haven't gotten to the bottom of the Matt Hardy mystery, but I think if I did it would be disappointing and not live up to its full potential, like your career, so I'll just say goodbye for now.

Matt: Okay, Hot Newz, bye for now. No hard feelings. Just print everything I say word for word and don't make me look crazy.

Me: I'll definitely do the first part!

Matt: Say bye, Lita.

"Lita": Bye, Lita.

Matt: She's so silly!


Wow, that was intense! We may never know what's going on inside Matt Hardy's sick mind! Let's just hope he doesn't die soon or this whole article will be a lot less funny! And it wasn't even very fun in the first place!

Back soon with more Hot Newz!


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