Double or Nothing 2022 RESULTS!

 

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that AEW Double And Nothing is coming THIS SUNDAY!  Normally I would post 101% accurate spoilers from my TRUSTED SECRET SOURCES, but I don’t even have to rely on sources this time!  I have developed PSYCHOTIC POWERS and can look into the future!  I’ve already watched the show in my mind and can therefore spoil not only the results but also the crowd reactions and everything JR says!  So don’t read the below unless you hate AEW and don’t want to be surprised by literally every detail of the show!

 

Hook and DanHouseMan vs Tony Kneeses and Smark Smart Sterling – The MUSCULAR MASKED CAMERA MAN is shown standing prominently at ringside holding his camera with his muscles in some FORESHADOWING for much later!  Danhousen throws a glass of BABY TEETH into Sterling’s eye to blind him and Hook rolls him up for the three!  Then Danhassen says “thou shalt have chips!” and CHIPS start raining down from the rafters (JR catches them in his hat!)  Then Danhossnon pecks Hook on the cheek and it gets weird.

 

Darby Allen vs Kyle O’Reilly – Darby wins a perfectly good wrestling match with that roll-up thing he does (JR: “WELL THAT WAS ANTI-CLIMACTIC!”) then says “I hope you enjoyed the technical wrestling because that’s the LAST TIME you’ll ever see it from me!”  Then some mysterious HANDS are shown caressing an ORB in some more foreshadowing but of a different thing!

 

Jade Cargill vs Anna Jay – JOHN SILVER runs out and tries to distract Red Velvet and Kiera Knightley with his muscles, but Kiera kicks him in the balls and says “that shit don’t work on me!”  Jade wins a **1/4 match with her move and JR says “I HATE TO USE THE TERM ‘BOWLING SHOE UGLY’ WHEN ANNA JAY’S IN THE RING, BUT…”

 

The Young Bucks vs The Hardy Boyz – JR says “WELL IF THESE VERY YOUNG KIDS THE YOUNG BUCKS REALLY ARE CHRISTIAN AS F SO TO SPEAK, THEY CERTAINLY MUST NOT APPROVE OF JEFF HARDY’S CHOSEN LIFESTYLE, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, FOLKS!  I KNOW THE HANKY CODE!”  They have a NORMAL MATCH and Jeff tries to do that jawbreaker where he does the splits like four times and it always looks shit.  All four are down after superkicing each other seventeen times when suddenly DARBY ALLEN drives down to the ring on a big motorized ladder!  Darby climbs up to the top of the thirty foot ladder and says “I’ll save you, Hardyz!” and dives off with a Coffin Drop aimed at the Bucks but MISSES and lands on Matt’s hips!  The Young Bucks then get the pin!  This sets up Darby’s new character as a crazy Hardy Boyz fanboy who just dives off things to help them all the time which he REQUESTED because it means he doesn’t have to have matches any more and can just skip to jumping off things!  But then we see the ORB backstage again and it’s revealed that GANGREL is the one rubbing it and this is in case Darby’s new character flops they can just say Gangrel was mind controlling him!

 

Video package of Sammy and Tay!  Sammy and Tay have three bags: one with the REMNANTS of the TNT title in it, one with “SHIT” laballed on it and one with “PISS” labelled on it!  They empty the contents of all three bags into a big blender and say “this is what we think of the TNT title, hahaha!” and make out and you can see their spit!  We then see footage of Dan Lambert drinking a smoothie and Sammy and Tay appear on screen and say “hahaha, he just drank a smoothie made from the TNT title and SHIT and PISS!” then make out again!  Then JR says “BUT HOW LONG BEFORE THAT JEZABEL DUMPS SAMMY FOR SOMEONE BETTER?”

 

Sammy Guverrero, Franki Kazarian and Tay Conti vs Scorpion Sky, Ethan Page and Paige VanZant – The match is going fine and Paige does an arm-drag or something to impress her simps, until Dan Lambert VOMITS at ringside because he drank the belt, piss and shit smoothie!  And this distraction allows Sammy to hit a 790 splash (JR: “OH SAMMY, SAMMY, SAMMY!  AND THAT’S NOT WHAT TAY WAS SAYING LAST NIGHT!”) to pin Scorpio and set up yet another meeting between them in this endless series of championship credibility and soul destroying matches!

 

House of Black vs Deathly Triangle – They’re all just hitting moves (and taunts from Penta!) without tagging or anything and it is very entertaining but also makes no sense (JR: “EXCALIBUR, AM I TO ASSUME THIS IS UNDER MEXICAN LUCHA LIBRE RULES?”  Excalibur: “Uhh, no, it’s just a match.”  JR: “CHRIST!”)!  Then BRIAN PILLMAN JUNIOR runs into the ring holding a microphone and looks like he’s about to talk but ALL SIX MEN dive on him and beat him up to a huge pop because it means we don’t have to hear one of his terrible promos again!  Then JULIA HART comes out wearing an EVIL CHEERLEADER OUTFIT but she whips it off(!) revealing an METAL BIKINI underneath (JR’s mic suddenly cuts out!)  Then just when it looks like she might finally be about to do something after like seven months of this storyline, Pac rolls up Buddy Murphy for the pin and she just shrugs and walks away.

 

Jurassic Parkspress vs Powerhouse Hobbs and Ricky Starks vs Keith Lee and Swerve Scotland – They have a NORMAL MATCH with lots of moves and dives and flips and “oooooh” noises and “this is awesome” chants but little genuine emotion from the crowd!  Jungle Boy is about to pin Starks after a top rope Canadian Destroyer when CHRISTIAN CAGE jumps up on the apron and says “give him a spear just to be sure, Jack!”  Jungle Boy nods because he’s NAÏVE and goes for the spear, but at the last second Keith Lee just stands in front of him and Jungle Boy bounces off his massive body and Lee falls on top of him to get the three and win the tag titles!  Christian helps Jungle Boy up after (Luchasaurus is lying between four broken tables for reasons I can’t remember) and says “don’t worry, Boy…that was EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED TO HAPPEN!” and gives him the Killswitch!  Then Keith and Swerve SMILE and HUG Christian and Keith says “With the legendary Canadian Cage by our side, our potential is TRULY limitless, baby!” and Sweve says “Whose House?  Christian’s house, BITCH!” to show they’re heels now (Keith refused to swear when approached about it earlier!) Then JR says “ON THIS CASINO THEMED SHOW, CHRISTIAN DECIDED THE PRUDENT MOVE WAS TO BET ON BLACK!”  And Excalibur mutters “…Christ” under his breath.

 

Ruby Soho vs Britt Baker – Britt wins with a sloppy roll up holding the ropes (but she misses grabbing the ropes twice then just barely touches them with her fingers as the ref counts three.)  But then some music that sounds vaguely like Bret Hart’s WWF music plays and everyone pops until BRUCE HART steps out instead and everyone groans!  Bruce says “Stop that shit right now!  Owen would never approve of that shit, and neither would I, Bruce Hart!  We didn’t do that shit in Stampede and I should know, I’m Bruce Hart!  Restart this shit and let’s have a clean finish to this shit, gwaaah!”  The match restarts and Ruby just instantly hits the Riott Kick (JR: “DID SHE SLIP?”) to get the pin!

 

Daniel Bryan, Jon Moxley, Eddie Kingston, Santana and Ortiz vs The Jericho Appreciation Association – They fight all around the place hitting each other with stuff!  Then at one point Bryan and Jericho are brawling on the apron when Bryan gets his foot stuck between the ring and the ramp again!  Jericho says “now I will set your face on fire because I am Gandalf wearing Narya the Great!”  But right when he throws the fireball Bryan hops out of the way, almost as if he was pushed by someone below, and the fireball sets fire to the bottom turnbuckle (this will be important later!)  SWOGGLE then jumps out from under the ring and Bryan says “thanks for freeing my leg, little budy!” and Swoggle says “thank YOU for the vegan cookies you left under the ring!” and eats the last cookie then eventually hits Jericho (who has just been standing open mouthed watching Swoggle eat a cookie for a whole minute) with the cookie sheet!  Somehow the JAS take over again and all surround Kingston and Jericho says “I’m going to finish this FOR EVER and FOR REAL!” and pulls a POWER DRILL out of his tights!  He turns the drill on and charges at Kingston but Eddie gives him a drop toe-hold onto the bottom turnbuckle that’s still on fire (the drill slides harmlessly into some kid’s feet in the front row!)!  Then Bryan, Moxely, Santana and Ortiz all improbably recover at the exact same time and jump into the ring and all four and Kingston do those seated elbows that always go on for far too long to get the win!

 

MJF vs Ward Lowe – MJF’s mom is shown sitting in the front row holding a sign which reads “KEEP ABORTION LEGAL SO THAT NO OTHER WOMAN HAS TO GO THROUGH WHAT I DID WITH THAT SHIT MAX!”  (It’s a very big sign!)  Ward is wheeled out on a strether completely bound and with his mouth wired shut like Hannibal Lecter and it takes six minutes to get him cut out!  Ward hits a powerbomb right away then walks around the ring looking pumped but TRIPS over MJF’s body and says “oww, my knee!”  MJF hits him with the Diamond Ring (the ref is looking at Spears swinging his scarf around threateningly!) and Ward blades!  Then MJF writes “PIG” on his chest with the blood and it’s pretty cool but then he just keeps punching him with the ring for another few minutes to completely ruin the impact!  Ward eventually makes a comeback with eight powerbombs but when he goes for the ninth he again says “oww, my knee!” and accidentally drops MJF on the ref (who is bending down to pick up Spears’ scarf!)  Everyone is down but MJF starts to get up before his MOM jumps in the ring and stands over him with her huge sign!  MJF says “what are you going to do, mom, hit me with it?  It’s made of paper, like the divorce papers DAD served to you last week!  And just like the contract I signed with Khan which is worth nothing!”  Then MJF’s mom DOES hit him with the sign and the sign SHATTERS like glass and MJF blades!  Then she says “Actually it’s made of STAINED GLASS and now it’s stained with YOUR BLOOD!” and does a crotch chop!  Then Ward hits another eight powerbombs for the win and carries MJF’s mom away on his shoulder! (JR: “WHAT ABOUT HIS DAMN KNEE INJURY?”)

 

Samoan Joe vs Adam Cole – Cole looks to have it won after countless eye rakes, low blows and Booms both with AND WITHOUT the knee pad!  But Cole says “I’m going to win it like a real Canadian, eh!” and tries to put the Sharpshooter on Joe!  Joe’s legs are just TOO THICK though and he CRUSHES Cole’s little twig-leg between his MIGHTY THIGHS and Cole taps out!  Then a giant hologram of STU HART appears on the stage (JR:” BAH GAWD, HE LOOKS ALMOST HUMAN!”) and winks at Joe!

 

Thunder Rosa vs Serena Deeb – They are having a good match until Deeb just puts a leglock on and lies in it for like three minutes.  One fan shouts “BORING!” so Rosa just pulls herself out of the hold and rolls out of the ring completely unhurt!  She grabs the mic and says “I am SICK of the disrepsect shown to women’s wrestling so I am WALKING OUT on this match and on AEW” and starts to walk away!  Tony Khan comes out looking frantic holding a sheet of paper with “THE FORMAT” written on it in huge letters and waves it at Rosa, but then HIKARU SHIDA lays out Khan with a kendo stick shot to the back of the head and leaves arm in arm with Rosa while Deeb looks confused (JR: “THE BEAUTIFUL FACE OF SERENA DEEB LOOKING SLIGHTLY LESS BEAUTIFUL DUE TO CONFUSION, BUT STILL BEAUTIFUL NONETHELESS, FOLKS!”)  For the next six weeks there are videos of Rosa and Shida travelling America together like THELMA AND LOUISE and murdering sexist male indie promoters!  Meanwhile Deeb is named the INTERIM women’s champion but only defends it like once agianst Skye Blue or someone on youtube!  Then Rosa just comes back and beats Deeb to unify the titles anyway.

 

Hangman Page vs CM Punk – Hangman just hits a lot of big moves with no build up and no transitions but it’s fine because it gets a good reaction from the fans, I guess!  Punk comes back with some classic Bret Hart spots like tying Hagman’s shoelaces together around the ringpost and kicking him in the face repeatedly!  Eventually Punk gets tired and says “somebody toss me a Pepsi!” and two hundred cans of Pepsi come flying into the ring like all those chairs hitting Cactus Jack and Terry Funk back in the seventies!  Punk catches one of the cans and drinks it while Hangman cowers on the floor!  Punk goes for a tope but Hangman DUCKS and Punk crashed into the Muscular Masked Camera Man (the foreshadowing plays off!)  Then the MMCM gives Punk a European uppercut(!) and says “I wanted to get out of wrestling and start a new life as a camera man! It just so happened that my first job was filming wrestling!  But now you’ve pulled me back in!” and rips his mask off to reveal CESARO!  His lifts his camera high above his head, preparing to bring it crashing down into Punk’s balls, but is shocked when someone grabs the camera from behind.  He turns round to see COLT CABANA who lays him out with the camera!  Punk and Colt then stare at each other and finally HUG to a big pop and a few faintings!  (JR: “IS THERE SOME KIND OF HISTORY BETWEEN THESE TWO?  I’M LOST, FOLKS!”)  Then Hangman does that moonsault to the floor he does and lays both out!  He throws Punk back in and goes for the Buckshot Lariat but right when he lands after the flip Punk spits PEPSI (he was storing it in his cheeks!) into Hangman’s face!  Hangman is blinded by the Pepsi mist and Punk hits the Go To Sleep for the pin and wins the title!

 

Right after the match ANDRADE appears on the Elite Tron in bed!  The words “HONEYMOON BED” are written above the bed and there is the SHAPE OF A WOMAN under the covers next to him but legally her face and body can’t be shown!  Andrade says “This is the last night of my honeymoon and now that I am finished pleasuring my wife I can dedicate myself to DISPLEASURING you, Punk, and taking that tile!  But before that…say hello to my FATHER IN LAW!”  Then Punk turns around just in time for RIC FLAIR to jump off the top rope and lay him out with a single axe-handle and say “Woooooo, Jack, I’m here for a good time, not a long time!  My ticker’s still ticking and you’re about to get a licking!  You send your wife AJ to me after Andrade leaves you impotent with the humiliation of taking your title, woooo!  Then Tony Khan, Mister booker of the year, YOU will book ME and Andrade for the title at the next pay per view show, woooo!  WOOOO!”  Then Flair falls over just as the show cuts to black with JR shouting “HE’S DOWN!”

 

Should be great to watch it live!

 

Back NEVER with NOTHING!

 

<a href=http://hotnewz316.blogspot.com/><b><h2>SASHA AND NAOMI PITCH “STAR WARS WRESTLING” SHOW TO DISNEY, STILL WAITING FOR THEIR CALL TO BE RETURNED?  TONY KHAN BOUGHT IMPACT WITH THE CHANGE FROM HIS PIGGY BANK SIX MONTHS AGO, TOTALLY FORGOT TO TELL ANYONE OR DO ANYTHING WITH IT?  JOEYJANELA SETS FIRE TO HIS ASS AND HITS A BANZIA DROP FOR HIS NEW “RING OF FIRE” FINISHER?  HEADBANGER THRASHER HOPING FOR GANGREL STYLE CAREER REVIVAL, CONSTANTLY TWEETING ABOUT HOW HE USED TO KNOW CHRISTIAN AND MAYBE IT WOULD BE INTERESTING IF HE SHOWED UP IN AEW (IT WOULDN’T)?  I DON’T EVEN CARE ENOUGH ABOUT WWE TO MAKE FUN OF IT ANYMORE, THAT’S WHY I’LL PROBABLY ONLY BE SEEN FOR AEW SHOWS FROM NOW ON?  PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF PAT MACAFEE AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!</a></b></h2>

6/4/2013 - WrestleMania 29

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that WrestleMania is just around a corner!  WrestleManaia is that special time of the year where we get to see people like The Rock, HHH, The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar wrestle, people who are TOO IMPORTANT to wrestle any other time of the year but who GENEROUSLY agree to wrestle once a year for lots of money!  So let's all watch them and appeciate what they're doing for us then once WrestleMania is over we can stop caring about wrestling again for another year!  I'll have FULL and accurate WrestleMania spoilers in this article BUT FIRST here's my state of the wrestling address!

Why am I doing a state of wrestling address?  Because wrestling is in a state!  CM Punk was suppoed to be the chosen one and bring balance to the force (of wrestling!) but he ended up being a worse chosen one than Anakin Skywalker and Jeff Jarrett put togther!  Where's our ice cream?  It all melted WITH OUR DREAMS!  Punk just turned out to a be a FAKE WRESTLER like the rest and his shoot worked shoot promos were actually worked shoot worked shoot promos all along!  Now we're going to be stuck with CENA who only IRONIC HIPSTERS like (omg he did a hurricanrana and it looked shit but at least he did it HE'S THE NEW BENOIT WITHOUT THE MURDER) and Boring Del Rio as our champions!  And as for TNA...they probably still suck too!  And even the UFC Fight Federation is starting to suck by allowing WOMEN to fight and I'm NOT being sexist here bu tit's a FACT that women have precious bodyparts that need protected like breasts and ovaries and the clitoris so they have no business fighting each other!

Now you're all screaming at your monitors "WELL, HOT NEWZ, HOW WOULD YOU MAKE THINGS BETTER?"  Glad you asked!  Here is my FIVE POINT PLAN to make the wrestling world a world I'd want my children to live in in 2014!

1. Bring back SHANE O MAC - There's a MYTHCONCEPTION that Triple HHH is the KEWL McMahon, but how can he be when he still listens to Motorhead and sleeps with STephanie!?  That first thing hasn't been cool since the eighties and the second hasn't been cool since 1994 (just ask Randy Savage's ghost OOOOOOH YEAH!)  Shane was responsible for the Attitude Era as he was watching ECW in the gym with Pete Gas one day when he turned to Pete and said "those CATS have attitude!"  Vince was listening in (he bugged the gym because he was scared Shane would sell him out to the feds!) and ran in (he was in a van outside!) and said "I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT, SON!" and Shane said "what, cats?" and Vince said "NO YOU MOOK, ATTITUDE!"  It was also Shane's idea to leech off other cool things like SOUTH PARK (that's why Golga wrestled in a Cartman mask and said "screw you guys, I'm going home!" everytime the Oddities tagged him in, therefore losing all their matches by countout!) and actually INVENTED Chuck Norris by hiring his old kung fu teacher STEVE BLACKMAN who was so awesome that suddenly people said "hey, maybe Chuck Norris was cool too and not kind of lame and short like I thought!"  He also invented the top rope flying elbow through the announce table on Test!  Sure he made some mistakes like jobbing for Kane (Shane should have won the feud and Kane should have disappeared for six months then came back in a NEW MASK for his REAL monster push) but those punches on Randy Orton only looked bad because Shane was holding back as he knew if he punched Randy for real he could kill him!  Shane being a young man (49) will bring hip cool young ideas like possibly cross promotion with Downton Abbey!

2. FIRE all the MEN from TNA and make it a Diva's only company - Let's face it, TNA sucks.  People don't like to say it because they have some good wrestlers and put on some good matches...but it's still TNA.  It still has Bubba Ray Dudley pretending to marry Hulk Hogan's daughter.  It still has Tazz being allowed to speak on television.  It's still TNA and it still sucks and always will as long as it's TNA.  So turn it into something else!  Who here wouldn't LUV a Diva's only company with all the BEST Divas in the world!?  Not just great current TNA woman works like Tara and that girl with the ass, but also great Japanese and Mexican talent like Astonishing Kong, Aja Kong, Bullish Mechano and The Humping Bomb Angels!  They could even sign great WWE workers like LAYLA (who is being HELD DOWN), Naomi (NO OTHER DIVA has ever done a BACKWARDS LEAPFROG) and NXT's pale Paige (she's from England which means she was trained by great workers like William Regal and Big Daddy!  Plus she's only sixteen which means she has twenty years of hotness left in her!)  The worthwhile TNA men like Daniels, Kazarian, Robbie T and Sharkboy could go to WWE and the WORTHLESS men would finally disappear (not naming any names...not naming any SAMOAN names...)

3. Send The Rock to England for a year - This might sound crazy BUT LET ME EXPLAIN!!!!!!!1  First of all we ALL know The Rock gets BLOWN UP everytime he wrestles now.  It's because he's forty and has to eat steroids every morning as part of his real job as an action star.  Obviously we can't expect The Rock to stop eating steroids, so the solution is for him to wrestle ENGLAND STYLE!  You see in England they have ROUNDS in wrestling matches and every match is broken up into five minute rounds, a tradition dating back to Winston Churchill's match with Neville Chamberlain to determine the new Prime Minster!  This is to let English people have time to MAKE TEA during matches as those crazy Brits can't go five minutes without that goo!  Rock can say he's following in the footsteps of English legends like Tommy Billionham the Dynamite Cad, Finlay and Rockstar Spud and now that he's "found himself" in England he will ONLY wrestle in English style matches with five minute rounds!  This means he won't get blown up anymore as he'll be able to rest!  Rock can also act like a SNOOTY LIMEY BRIT BASTARD like they have on Donwton Abbey (see point 1)!!  Also as the Rock's real career is as an actor now he can SECRETLY TRAIN with famous English actors like Patrick Stewart, Daniel Gay Lewis, Dame Judy Dutch, Jonny Depp and Ki-Adi Mundi to become a real actor!

4. WWE should TEAM UP with NEW JAPAN - You might be asking "Hot Newz, how good can New Japan when it's all in Japanese!?"  Well I'll tell you: VERY GOOD!  In Japan wrestling is STIFF that it might as well be real!  New Japan is the HOT NEW FORCE in wrestling becasue they dsicovered that people like buying ippvs where the stream DOESN'T go down after five minutes (take note ROH!) and are now offiically the SECOND biggest comapany in the world as their last ippv did more buys then the last TEN TNA, ROH, Chikara, Dragon Gate, Respect Pro Wrestling Gorilla, CZW and Fantasy Sex Wrestling ppvs combined!  And that's even though they have a guy with short weedy arms whose finisher is a short clothesline in the main event!  WWE clearly has a lot to learn from New Japan (like how to get Harry Smith over!) but New Japan also has a lot to learn from WWE (like how to speak English!) so a team up would help both conquer THE ENTIRE WRESTLING WORLD!  That would leave only New WWE Japan and TNA Divas as the only two wrestling companies in the world which would be much less confusing for viewers and much easier on newz reporters!

5. Turn Cena Heel...FOR ADULTS - I know people will say "HOt Newz, they'll never turn Cena heel he sells loads of t-shirts and stuffed bears and Cena Chewable Vitamins to kids!"...that's why I said turn him heel FOR ADULTS, dumbass!  Back in the early nintenies Bret Hart was a HEEL in America but a FACE in Canada!  This meant WWF (as it was then known, history fans!) could sell "America Rules, Bret Smells!" shirts in America and "America Smells, Bret Rules!" shirts in Canada and all they had to do was swap two words!  This made the WWE nine million dollars a week (of course WCW was making NINETY MILLION dollars a week with the NWO at the same time!) and was a sound business move!  It's now time to do the same thing with John Cena!  All adult men HATE Cena already anyway all they have to do is have Cena cut a promo saying "you know what I want to thank MY KID FANS for all their support...but the rest of you can go POOP yourselves!" and make a fart noise!  He could then be seen visiting schools and children's hospitals and even zoos dressed in bright colors and playing with kids!  He could even have an ARMY of children follow him everywhere and come to the ring with him like Michael Jackson did!  Adult women will still cheer him due to his SEXY MUSCLES, of course, but Cena can even turn heel on them by sayig "I like kids more than I like adult women!" and hugging the kids to taunt the women!  WWE could then sell even more kiddy than before Cena merchandise to kids (he could release an album of KID RAPS about how homework sucks and whatever else kids believe in!) and ANTI-CENA merch to adults like plastic bottles to throw at him!  This could eventually lead to the ultimate adults only wresting star BATISTA returning and he could have an army of porn stars to counter Cena's army of children!  Batista could stay heel with kids by popping their balloons on the way to the ring!  WWE could even start selling Batista brand condoms to adults!  I know I'd wear them (even just for a masturwank!)

WRESTLEMANIA SIGN IDEAS

"Read My Sign While You Wait For Rock To Get His Breath Back."

"I Paid To Not See Zack Ryder."

"We're All In The 'House Of Pain' Watching Ryback v Henry!"

"If Triple H Wets Himself I'll Dry It!" - only hold this if you're a girl or a gay

"Zeb Colter Got Jimmy Wang Yang Deported!"

"SPOILER: The Rock Charges Out Of the Corner With A Clothesline."

"Chris Masters Carried A Tree To A Better Match Than This!" - to be held during any bad match (so any match on the card basically!)

"GAME OF THRONES SPOILER: They All Die!"

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday and it's going to be bigger than Andre's cock and here are 10000 million % percent accurate spoilers I got from my top level sources so don't read if you're a pussy who doesn't like spoilers!

Wade Barrett versus The Miz - Before they're about to wrestle ANTONIO CEEZARO comss out and says "Eeeeey!  I am a champion too!  I should be on this WrestlingMania show, or at LEAST the pre show so let's turn this into a triple threat match!"  Then Miz and Barrett look at each other and NOD and Barrett gives Ceezaro the Bonesmasher Elbow right into a Skull Crushing Final from the Miz!  This is because Barrett is turning face soon and this is a tease!  Antonio is carried away on a stetcher which has "NXT" written on the bottom of it!  Then Miz and Barrett SHAKE HANDS to show they are friends but Barrett tries to turn the handshake into a Sovenierbuster Elbow (he's not a face yet!) and Miz DUCKS it and locks on a CROSSFACE CHICKENWING and Barrett taps out right away!  Then BOB BACKLUND comes out and says "young man I was so impressed by your application of the Crossface Chickenwing that I OFFICIALLY endores you!" because they're so fucking desperate to get Miz over and Miz says "thank you, MIZter Backlund!"  And if the fans are still booing Miz at this they'll definatly be cheering when MARIA MENSTRAULOS comes out and says "please cheer Miz!" because she's hotter than all the Divas thanks to her GREEK JEANS (which she's wearing!)  But will Maryse (she's back, in the front row!) be jealous!?

Brotus Clay, The Hip Hop Hippo and the Funkydyketiles versus Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bizzellas - Rhodes Scholars come out first and Shadow says "you're welcome!  As usual Team Rhodes Scholars are ONE STEP AHEAD.  You dancing PEONS might have a white guy pretending to be a Japanese guy on your team...but we've got a REAL Japanese ninja on our team!  You're wlecome!"  And out comes TAJIRI and he shoots ORANGE MIST in a kid's face to show that he's evil!  Then the Dancing Fatties come out and Brotus says "SHEAH YOU DO.  But guess what?  We have someone to counteract Tajira!  GOLDUST, GET YOUR GOLD BUTT OUT HERE!" and Goldust comes out RUBBING HIMSELF to counteract Tajiri!  But then Cody says "ha!  I knew you'd recruit my worthless brother!  That's why I recurited my former sister in law, his ex wife, I give you...MARLENA!"  Then Marlena comes out smoking a cigar and puts it out on some kid to show she's evil and Goldust starts to cry!  Then Brotus says "OH SHEAH?  We knew you'd recruit that old skank!  That's why we recruit MY FAT MOMMA to counteract her!" and his fat momma from last year with the cushion's in her butt comes out and does a fat dance!  BUT THEN suddenly she pulls out pepper spray and aims it at her own son and Damion says "you're welcome!  Splendid!  We knew you'd recruit your fat momma to counteract Marlena, so I SEDUCED her last night in BED!  Use the pepper spray now!"  Fat Momma nods...AND PEPPER SPRAYS Damian!  Brotus then says "Yeah, we KNEW you'd try to seduce my fat momma...so we had someone take her place!" and Goldust wipes off his gold makeup to reveal that he's wearing BLACKFACE underneath and he says "I faked every orgasm!"  Then Noami gives the Bella with no breast implants the Space Flying Tiger Drop for the three.

Big Show, Randy Orton and Shameus versus The Shield - Big Show, Orton and Shameus are KICKING ASS until PAGIE from NXT comes out wearing a leather jacket!  And Sheamus says "Och, what are YE doing here, LITTLE SISTER!?"  (They're both pale so they must be related!)  Then Paige says "THIS!" and pulls her leather jacket off but it's not her breasts that are underneath it's somethign even more shocking: a The Shield T-Shirt!  Then Ambrose rolls up Sheameus for the win!  Then Pagie says "That's BLOODY WELL RIGHT, you sodding WANKER!  I've been with ALL THREE of the Shield doing some worldclass SHAGGING and you can't compete with that, brother, because that would be incest!"  Then Randy Orton RAISES AN EYEBROW because he's getting an idea and his storyline for the next three months is attempting to turn Paige against the Shield by shagging her rotten!

P Diddy comes out of a special trapdoor (this will be IMPORTANT LATER!) and sings the WrestleMania song and does the P Diddy shuffle!

Chris Jericho versus Fandamndo - Fandango ORDERS Jericho to say his name correctly and Jericho DOES and Fandango looks shocked and while he looks shocked Jericho quickly goes to give him the Codebreaker...but Fandango reverses it into a flajack!  Then he grabs the mic and says "Ha!  I KNEW that Jericho was planning to finally say my name right so that I would be surprised and he could give me a codebreak, so I worked out that I could counter a Codebreaker into a flapjack!" and does a dance!  Then Jericho schoolboys him for the win.

Team Hell No versus Dolph Ziggler and Biggy Langstrom - Team Hell No win when Kane pins Ziggler CLEAN with the chokeslam!  But then Ziggler kicks Kane in the balls and hits Bryan over the head with the Money In The Bank Briefcase and says "You know what?  I'm CASHING IN my money in the bank RIGHT NOW!  It gives me a shot at a WORLD TITLE...and the Tag titles ARE world titles!" and he pins Bryan (pulling the tights!) to win the belts for him and the other guy!  Then JR says "BAH GAWD, WHAT A SMART MOVE BY ZIGGLER, HE'S RIGHT, THE TAG TITLES ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE WORLD TITLE!"  Then he looks a tthe King and they both start LAUGHING because no one could believe that shit!

Ryback versus Mark Henry - They do an extra long and dramatic TEST OF STRENGTH for five minutes!  This is NOT because both men SUCK and can't do anythig else, it's because there are actually HIDDEN WIRES attached to Henry's back so he can't take any bumps are move around much!  The hidden wires are because of that time Ryback tried to give Tensai the Shellshook live on RAW and couldn't get him up!  Ryback pulls Henry right out of the test of strength into the Shellshock (with help from TEN MEN hidden in the rafters pulling on the invisible wires!) and gets the three!  Then afterwars Mark Henry looks sad in the ring and stands around looking sad and the fans start to give him a standing ovation because they've figured out that he's about to announce his retirment and Henry grabs the mic and says "it is with regret that I'd like to announce...that MANY MORE FOOLS will be entering the HOUSE OF PAIN, I AIN'T RETIRING EVER!" and this gets an even BIGGER standing ovation!

Alberto Del Rio versus Jack Swagger - Alberto is dominating with moves he stole from Carlito until Zeb hits the ref with a tea kettle and KURT ANGLE'S MUSIC plays!  Del Rio looks around confused and then THE PATRIOT comes out except he's taller and more muscular!  ANd JR says "I REMEMBER THAT MUSIC, IT WAS USED BY THE PATRIOT!" to explain to younger fans!  The Patriot says "you have been a BAD AMERICA!" and acts like he's about to hit Swagger when suddenly he grabs Del RIo in a full nelson and gives him UNCLE SLAM!  And Swagger wins the title.  Then The Patriot rips off his mask to reveal CHRIS MASTERS and he says "yeah, that's right, after I ripped that tree out of the ground I found out tha tthe man holding my mother prisoner WAS A MEXICAN.  So I'm BACK with UNCLE MASTERLOCK SLAM to fight for Patriotism and fight against trees and Mexicans!" and gives Ricardo an Uncle Masterlock Slam!

Triple H versus Brock Lesnar NO DQ HARDCORE STREET MATCH - Triple H comes out (with a confused Motorhead kind of playing his theme and vaguely singing the lyrics, unaware of where they even are) with a SLEDGEHAMMER taped to EACH arm!  That's two sledgehammers!  Lesnar comes out with BIKER CHAINS wrapped around both arms AND around both legs, giving him the tactical advantage!  They BATTER each other with their arms for a while until Triple H hits Lesnar in the ear with the sledgehammer six times, knocking him down!  But Lesnar uses his biker chain legs to kick Triple H in the quad a few times and HHH rolls under the ring...and comes back out with BARBED WIRE wrapped around the top of his sledgehammer arms!  Triple H punches Lesnar in the gut with a barbed wire sledgehammer and Lesnar PUKES right in the middle of the ring because he has gut problems remember!  But Triple H SLIPS on the puke and hits his head on a steel chair on the way down!  This allows Lesnar to bring in a chair wrapped in barbed wire and hit HHH in the back and quads with it 28 times!  But TRiple H comes back with a punch to the BALLS with the barbed wire sledgehammer then pedigrees him on the barbed wire chair!  Triple H knows this won't get the win so he drags Lesnar out of the ring to give him a pedigree through the announce table but Lesnar REVERES to an F5 through TWO announce tables!  Lesnar knows that won't be enough for the win though and spreads THUMBTACKS all over the ring and gives Triple H five belly to belly suplexs on the tacks...but then runs into a spinerbuster on the tacks!   HHH then wraps Lesnar in barbed wire and gives him a spinebuster on the tacks with the barbed wire still around him!   HHH knows that won't get the job done however so he lights one of his barbed wire sledgehammer fists on fire...but Lesnar BREAKS his other arm with a kamura!  Heyman then rolls a STEEL TABLE into the ring and Lesnar prepares to F5 Hunter onto it but as he's swinging HHH in mid air HHH hits him in the back of the head with his flaming slegehammer fist (it's EXTRA BURNY FIRE!)  Then he goes for the pedigree on top of the steel table but Lesnar backdrops him all the way from there to the floor and Heyman pulls the mat at the right moment and HHH lands on concrete!  Lesnar then goes for a Shooting Star Press from the top rope to HHH who is lying on the concrete, but HHH rolls out of the way and Lesnar lands GUT FIRST on the concrete and VOMITS again and the vomit goes straight up twenty feet in the air and lands back in Lesnar's throat and he chokes!  But when HHH picks him up Lesnar surprises him with a quick F5 through the concrete!  But when Lesnar tries to pick HHH up HHH susprises HIM with a quick pedigree onto Lilian Garcia!  Both men are exhausted at last and STRUGGLE up and Lesnar picks up the steps and CHARGES at HHH but HHH pulls a GIGANTIC STEEL SLEDGEHAMMER out from underneath Lilian's body and they hit each other AT THE SAME TIME!  The referee is about to count them both down but they both get up at nine!  Paul Heyman smashes A GIGANTIC CELL PHONE over HHH's head knocking him out and the match looks over until VINCE MCMAHON marches out, his hip completely healed, gives Heyman a bodyslam (JR: "BAH GAWD IT'S WRESTLEMANIA 3 ALL OVER AGAIN!") then FLIPS LESNAR THE BIRD and gives him THE STONE COLD STUNNER and Lesnar does a backflip selling it like The Rock selling for Austin!  Obviously no one can get up from that and HHH gets the pin!

The Undertaker versus CM Punk - CM Punk come out cradling the Urn and it's glowing RED like BLOOD now and Punk has a new tattoo of SATAN on his back (Ned Flanders version of Satan,of course!)  Then Punk says "last night I took the virginity of a seventeen year old girl!  Don't worry, it was legal in the state I was in...BUT BARELY!  Then me and the girl sacrificed A GOAT in front of the urn and filled the urn with goat blood and NOW I have access to ALL The Undertaker's powers HAHAHAH PIPE BOMB!"  And rolls his eyes back in his head like only The Undertaker can do!  Then Undertaker comes out for his entrace but he's SHAKEY and has to be supported by DRUIDS on the way to the ring!  Then Undertaker gives Punk a chokeslam right away but Punk does a ZOMBIE SIT-UP then grabs Undertaker's arm and does the OLD SCHOOL ropewalk (instead of shouting "old school!" he shouts "Fantastic Four Rule!") to show that he has access to ALL of Undertaker's powers!  Then Punk holds Undertaker in the Hell's Gate for TEN MINUTES as JR says "BAH GAWD IN SWEET HEAVEN THE STREAK IS ENDING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES.  BUT NOT JUST THE STREAK, BAH GAWD IT'S AS IF HOPE IS ENDING, IT'S AS IF EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD FOR ANY GOD-FEARING CHRISTIAN IS DYING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!"  Just as the referee is about to drop Punk's hand for a third time the lights go out and PAUL BEARER'S VOICE says "OOOOOH, YESSSS!"  Then when the lights come back on the Urn is glowing GREEN and JR says "GREEN!  THE COLOUR OF THE UNDERTAKER!  WHAT MUST HAVE HAPPENED IS THAT PAUL BEARER'S GHOST HAS POSSESSED THE URN AND GIVEN ITS POWER BACK TO THE UNDERTAKER!" and Lawler says "makes sense!"  Then when Punk tries to pick up the Urn it BURNS HIS HANDS and he staggers around saying "oww, my hands have been burnt!" until he stumbles right into the hands of the The Undertaker who gives him a chokeslam (he can't do a tombstone anymore because both his knees are broken!) for the win!

The Rock versus John Cena - Before the match ZACH RYDER is shown on the front row (sitting next to Maryse!) holding a sign that reads "at least I'm on the show, bro!"  Since everyone IN THE WORLD knows The Rock is going to get blown up they do FOUR double clothesline knockout spots to give the Rock time to rest!  And they're all exciting double clotheslines becaseu they're running in different directions each time!  Then finally Rock looks Cena in a deadly bearhug (a callback to Cena using that exciting move on Rock last year!) until suddenly CM PUNK comes out through P Diddy's special trap door holding a special microphone which has been designed to look like a pipe bomb!  Punk says "So this is your main event, a man hugging another man.  Wouldn't you much rather see fresh young talent like Tyson Kidd, Evan Air Bourne and even Zach Ryder here in the main event?  They cancelled Z True Long Island Story to pay Rock's fee!"  Then Ryder grabs the pipe bomb and says "Dude, bro, seriously bro, I'm just happy to be on the show, bro, wooo wooo broo!"  And Punk looks angry and GRABS RYDER'S SIGN from him like he's going to tear it up but Rock sticks his head out of the ring to stop this (what a hero!) but Punk hits Rock with the sign and it makes a METALLIC THUD and Rock is knocked out!  Ryder and Punk then SMILE EVILY and Punk teras the sign open to reveal a STOP SIGN inside except instead of saying "STOP" it says "ROCK" with a line through it!  Thne Cena gets the in and looks CONFLICTED and can he live with himself tune into RAW to find out!

What a WrestleMania it's going to be!  Back next year with more WrestleMania spoilerers see you then follow me on TWITTER!

RYBACK TO TURN HEEL, CHANGE HIS NAME TO RYBRICK, WIN EVERY MATCH BY HITTING HIS OPPONENT WITH A BRICK, KISS THE BRICK AFTER THE MATCH?  ECW TO RETURN AS ANIMATED SERIES?  EMMA FROM NXT TO GO ON DANCING WTIH THE STARS?  BIFF FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE INVOLVED WITH DRAGON GATE USA IN SOME WAY?  TAZZ THE FATHER OF MADISON RAYNE'S BABY?  PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF STEPHANIE MCMAHON EATING BACON IN THE BATH WHILE TRIPLE H POLISHES HIS SLEDGEHAMMER I AND MEAN THAT LITERALLY AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

13/8/2011 - SummerSlam Newz!

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is CM PUNK, CM PUMK, CM PUNK, Melina and CM PUNK! And also CM Punk! ALOT has happened with Punk over the last month, so much that when I tried to write abuot it earlier, my keyboard CAUGHT FIRE because I was typing so much! But have no fear, I've got a flame retarded keyboard now and I'm back! I have had literaly SOME emails asking me if the various crazy thigns done by Punk have been works or shoots or shorks or whoots or even shizbangs! To solve those mysteries I have prepared a FLOWCHART showing which is which!

Punk's "shoot" promo on RAW: TOTAL WORK but based on a SHOOT. Punk got angry backstage one week after jobbing to KANE and started shooting to the Diva he was currently banging (let's say...Eve) about all the stuff from the promo! But he was mainly saying it all to turn her on! Eve then repeated the story to the next Superstar she banged and he repeated it to the next Dvia HE banged and soon everyone knew! So when it came time for this angle, the writers had Punk repeat this shoot to them so they could SCRIPT the "shoot" promo on RAW! The only part that was a real shoot was when Punk said hi to Colt Cabana! He was supposed to say hi to Scotty Goldman!

Punk's contract expiring the day of Money In The Bank: WORK that became a SHOOT! As Dave "MMA is my life" Meltzer reported, Punk's actual contract expires on September 11th (hmm...)! BUT to make the angle more real, Punk actually QUIT the WWE briefly so that his contract was INVALID, and signed a NEW contract that expired on the date of Money In The Bank, THEN signed a NEW NEW contract one minute after midnight on the day of Money In The Bank! So it was a confusing, pointless mix of real and fake!

Punk crashing Comic Con: SHOOT! Punk was actually looking for the Game Of Thrones panel (he was going to ask why they created the prostitute character Ros for the show but left out characters from the book like Brynden "The Blackfish" Tully!) and wondered in to the WWE panel by mistake! He then made the best of a bad sitution by saying Triple H has a big nose and asking him to re-sign Koko B. Ware.

Stephanie having Punk's phone number: SHOOT! She's his boss so logically she would have it. They haven't had sex. The only WWE Superstars Stephanie has had sex with are Triple H, Chris Jericho, Test (RIP), Rodney (but NOT Pete Gas, she has standards), Paul London (he mentions in one of his 281 stoned shoot interviews!), Snitsky and A CERTAIN MAN I CANNOT NAME, BUT HE'S QUITE A MACHO GUY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, OOOOH YEAH! (Razor Ramon.)

Vince McMahon quitting the company and Triple H saying "I love you, pop" - Shoot worked worked shoot shoot!

Triple H re-signing Punk because it's "good for business." - WORK! Punk makes no difference to business at all (they might as well have Heidenreich in the same role for all the difference it's made to ratings and buy rates!), but by claiming that he's "good for business" Triple H hopes to fool people into watching RAW beause they'll think "hey, if this Punk guy is good for business, he must be worth watching!"

Gail Kim has also got in on the shooting! After being eliminated from the RAW Divas battle royal in four seconds, Kim tweeted on the way backstage "was just booked to be eliminated from the battle royal in two seconds but stayed in for four. Will anyone notice?" It is thought that Kim only did this to TURN ON Punk since she's one of the few Divas he's never banged (he thinks she's still dating Daniel Bryan and respects him beacuse they're both great workers!) This plan BACKFIRED on Kim when she got backstage and Triple H was waiting for her and said "you suck, your ass is fired! And you don't even have an ass!" and did a crotch chop! Kim said "OMG, you saw the tweet already?" and Triple H said "what tweet?"

Melina has also been fizzired! Even though Melina was the best female worker in the history for wrestling (Bret Hart said it so it must be true and she can do the splits and eveything!) WWE decided to sacrifice her in order to force John Morrison to "man up"! Even though he's currently posting EMO POETRY on his Twitter about how much he loves Melina, soon he will find comfort in the bed of another Diva (Natalya, who suddenly got hot after turning heel!) since he IS a man and no man can go without pussy for too long (I can barely last an hour!) To stop him getting too attached to Natalya, she will turn into a bitch (she is a woman after all!) and dump him for no reason! This will toughen up Morrison and turn him into a REAL MAN who hates women and make him a better wrestler!

UPDATE: WWE are now trying to get Melina evicted from her own home in cast Morrison goes there looking for her!

David Hart Smith has also been sizzacked after authorised wearing of a cowboy hat on Superstars three months ago.

Chris Masters is also gizzone! To understand the reason why, I present to you the transcript of a phone conversation between Triple H and Johnny Ace where they were discussing who to fire!

HHH: How about Chris Masters?
Johnny Ace: Don't you watch Superstars? He's pretty good now.
HHH: Of course I watch Superstars! Every week I make Stephanie wait another forty minutes before I pleasure her becasue I'm catching up on what Masters, JTG and Alicia Fox are doing! I know he's good now.
Johnny Ace: So why release him?
HHH: Remember about five years ago I cut a promo on RAW calling him a shaved gorilla after he got off the gas?
Johnny Ace: Yeah, that was mean.
HHH: My character was mean! It's what he would have said! Anyway, Chris couldn't work back then, he deserved to be released.
Johnny Ace: Right, back then, but he's good now! An asset to the company! To Superstars anyway.
HHH: Yeah, but my character said he sucks. So by becoming a good worker, he's made my character look stupid! My character wouldn't stand for that. That's why he has to be released!
Johnny Ace: But that sounds really petty and childish.
HHH: Exactly! That's what my character is, really petty and childish! And most importantly, that's how the internet sees me!
Johnny Ace: Oh, I get it, you want to release Chris Masters to work the internet!
HHH: Right!
Johnny Ace: Even though you're a great guy really, you want to trick the internet into thinking you're really petty and childish becaue this will make money somehow.
HHH: And it's worth firing Chris Masters just for that!

Poor Chris! But don't worry, he will show up on Impact in three weeks, but Sting in a REVERSE Full Nelson, say "you wanted me to be bizarre, YOU GOT IT, JACK!", job to that twat Anderson the next week, then form a tag team with Abyss to feud with two other tall guys...but they can't get along!

Vladamire Koslov was also rizzeleased I actually managed to bag an EXCLUSIVE 30 interview with him and find out the REAL reason why...but all his answers were in Russian so I can't tell you what the reason was!

Zach Ryder's release IS of course coming, WWE are just waiting for the right moment to do so. The right moment will be when his release causes the MAXIMUM amount of pain to his thousands of internet fans because hurting internet fans is what's really important! Expect it to happen after a RAW in Long Island where Zach finally gets a big win over someone like Dolph Ziggler or R-Truth or even Miz and it looks like his career is FINALLY about to take off...then next week he's Future Endeavored and Cole says "YEAH, NO ONE CALLED ZACH WORKS HERE, HAHA!" then a midget dressed as Ryder comes out to the ring and Chimmel kicks it in the face and Cole says "EVEN CHIMMEL'S BETTER THAN THAT LOSER!" and then there's just five minutes of a close-up of Cole's face smiling smugly.

Jindar Mahall WAS going to be released until someone remembered that he's married to the Great Khali's sister and if he was fired he'd take it out on her, so he gets to keep his job!

The only reason Trent Barreta hasn't been released is because he was never actually under contract! He just showed up one week and started wrestling and everyone just assumed he must work there and never thought about him again!

Due to so many Divas being released or quitting or being injured banging CM Punk, AJ will be locked in a room for a week with DVDS of ALL the greatest Japanese wrestlers (Justin "Thunder" Lightning, Kenta Kobana, Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Rikishidozan, Tajiri, TENTA, Stan Handsome and Fuanki!) to BRAINWASH her into being a great worker who will save the Divas divison!

Summerslam is THIS Sunday! For some reason there are only four matches this year, but it doesn't matter when one of those matches is the biggest match ever (Kelly Kelly versus Beth Phoenix!) Here are the results!

Shameus verus Mark Henry - Mark Henry gives Shameus a World's Strongest Slam RIGHT THROUGH THE RING! Then Mark comes up holding his arms in the air claiming to have won! The referee says "you can't have pinned hm under the ring!" and Mark says "but the underneath the ring referee counted three!" and the referee says "but there is no underneath the ring referee..." and HORNSWOGGLE pops out from the hole in the ring wearing a referee shirt and punches Mark Henry in the balls! Then Shameus hits the Rogue Kick for the three and JR shouts "BAH GAWD, SHAMEUS AND HORNSWOGGLE HAVE TEAM UP TO SCREW WITH MARK HENRY AND CAUSE MISCHIEF!" to explain what happened to the really thick fans! Then Shameus gets down on his knees and cuddles Hornswoggle said "that's right, little fella, I'll be your new dad! I won't get fired for singing the national anthem in french like yer other daddy did, fella! I love ya!" and they do an IRISH JIG with some kids from the crowd!

Booker T commentary - "MAAAAAAAAAAN, what a DOG that Shameus is, MAAAAAAAAN I can't BELIEVE them tactics, those tactics of that Shameus, they were something else, dawg, but I CAN believe that Shameus would USE those tactics, them tactics, to WIN, because WINNING is what it's all ABOUT and now SHAEMUS gets TEN TIMES the money he would have GOT for dat match and he can buy a LOT of lucky charms with that, and you can't BLAME Mark Henry for losing but you CAN blame Mark Henry for NOT WINNIN' and not bringin' out HIS OWN BLACK MIDGET from THE HOOD to counter that Harmswagle, MAAAAAAAAN!"

Kelly Kelly versus Beth Phoenix - Beth goes for the Glam Slam right away but Kelly reverses to the LABELL LOCK(!) and gets the submission! Then DANIEL BRYAN comes out with his Money In The Bank Briefcase but now it's all PIMPED UP with DIAMONDS! Then Bryan says "that's right, I taught Kelly my finisher? Why? Because she's my MAIN SQUEEZE. You see I took The Bella Twins's virginity. I pleasured Gail Kim so much that she couldn't take it anymore and had to quit the company! For a longtime I've been submitting bros. Now? I'm PIMPING HOS!" Then he pulls a ghetto blaster out of his tights and it plays the Godfather's music and he does a sexy dance!

Michael Cole - "OH NO, OH GOD NO, A DIVAS MATCH? If you're taking a bathroom break now, YOU'RE A LOSER. If you paid to watch this show, YOU SHOULD ASK FOR A REFUND. Anyone enjoying this match is LITERALLY RETARDED! OH SHIT, DANIEL BRYAN!? HOW COULD THIS GET ANY WORSE. Anyone who has ever enjoyed a Daniel Bryan match is SCUM and should NEVER watch our product again! IMAGINE HOW LOW THE WRESTLEMANIA BUYRATES ARE GOING TO BE WITH THIS NERD IN THE MAIN EVENT! Anyone who orders that show is GAY LIKE JOSH MATTHEWS!"

Christian versus Randy Orton - Edge comes out and SPEARS Orton to big boos but then spins round and SPEARS Christian to big cheers and Orton lands on top somehow and gets the pin!

Booker T commentary - "Man I understand COMPLETELY what just happened. I don't understand WHY because I'M BOOKER T, but I do understand WHAT and the MOTIVES and the OPPORTUNITY. Man if I was Edge I woudln't have done THE EXACT SAME THING because I'm not Edge, but if I WAS Edge I'd understand that he wants to PROVE he's still a MAN by spearing both guys, and I can understand WHY MYSELF now that I think about it and I would do THE SAME THING, Cole!! I wouldn't do that PERSONALLY but I can see myself doing that PROFESSIONALLY if I was in Edge's SHOES right now! But his shoes wuoldn't fit becasue I gots me some BIGASS FEET! Maaaaaaaaan!"

John Cena versus CP Punk title unification match - Right away Cena says "I respect you, Punkerman" and lies down flat on his back! But when Punk tries to go for the pin, Cena ROLS HIM UP with a small package and Triple H does a FAST COUNT! Punk kicks out anyway and says "oh this is the wya it's going to be!" and kicks Triple H in the thigh and HHH says "oww, my quad!" and hobbles backstage! Then Colt Cabana jumps the barricade and lays out Cena with his finisher, the comedy boston crab! BUT THEN Mick Foley comes waddling out in a referees shirt and lays out Punk with a punch wearing Mister Sock over his fist (that makes it hurt more!) and Cena gets the pin! Then at the next ppv Foley will job to Punk so he can go on and on for years about how he "made" Punk by "putting him over" and can write a fifth book putting himself over for how great he was for putting Punk over! Then Cena turns round right into a big boot by MASON RYAN, his next feud!

Booker T commentary - "Dayum! That match was like a CHICKEN DINNER. No, wait, I lost my train of thought. That match was like SPAGHETTI AND BOOKER BALLS! That's what I cook all up in MY HOUSE, you feel me dawgs? Punk just proved that he is EVERYTHING HE SAID HE IS but then Cena went and DISPROVED dat by proving that Punk is EVERYTHING CENA SAYS HE ISN'T! And that big Scotsman Ryan Shamrock, he just kicked Cena's head to the moon, suckas!"

Well that's it for Hot Newz forever really this is it I'm never writing another Hot Newz again since they're always terrible and I barely watch wrestling and I want to thank ZRC for giving me a shot and paying me so much money for every article I wrote, back soon with more Hot Newz!

FAKE SIN CARA IS REALLY PAUL LONDON WHO SHOWED UP STONED AT THE SMACKDOWN TAPINGS WEARING A SIN CARA COSTUME CLAIMING TO BE "SIN CARA'S DAD BECAUSE I FUCKED HIS MOM, WOOOOO!" AND THEY DECIDED TO GO WITH IT? ZACH RYDER A FACE ON RAW AND A HEEL ON SMACKDOWN AS A METAPHOR FOR THE DUALITY BETWEEN GOOD AND EVIL THAT EXISTS IN ALL MEN? KAITLYN WOULD BE HOT IF SHE HAD HIPS? NATAYLA AND BETH HOTTEST HEEL TAG TEAM SINCE THE SMOKING GUNNS? STING PAYING ROYALTIES TO THE FAMILY OF HEATH LEDGER? KURT ANGLE TO HOST THE 2016 OLYMPICS IN HIS BACKYARD? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LAYLA TWEETING MY FRIEND OT IN A DARKENED ROOM AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCIVE AND BLOG CLICK HERE!