6/4/2013 - WrestleMania 29

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that WrestleMania is just around a corner!  WrestleManaia is that special time of the year where we get to see people like The Rock, HHH, The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar wrestle, people who are TOO IMPORTANT to wrestle any other time of the year but who GENEROUSLY agree to wrestle once a year for lots of money!  So let's all watch them and appeciate what they're doing for us then once WrestleMania is over we can stop caring about wrestling again for another year!  I'll have FULL and accurate WrestleMania spoilers in this article BUT FIRST here's my state of the wrestling address!

Why am I doing a state of wrestling address?  Because wrestling is in a state!  CM Punk was suppoed to be the chosen one and bring balance to the force (of wrestling!) but he ended up being a worse chosen one than Anakin Skywalker and Jeff Jarrett put togther!  Where's our ice cream?  It all melted WITH OUR DREAMS!  Punk just turned out to a be a FAKE WRESTLER like the rest and his shoot worked shoot promos were actually worked shoot worked shoot promos all along!  Now we're going to be stuck with CENA who only IRONIC HIPSTERS like (omg he did a hurricanrana and it looked shit but at least he did it HE'S THE NEW BENOIT WITHOUT THE MURDER) and Boring Del Rio as our champions!  And as for TNA...they probably still suck too!  And even the UFC Fight Federation is starting to suck by allowing WOMEN to fight and I'm NOT being sexist here bu tit's a FACT that women have precious bodyparts that need protected like breasts and ovaries and the clitoris so they have no business fighting each other!

Now you're all screaming at your monitors "WELL, HOT NEWZ, HOW WOULD YOU MAKE THINGS BETTER?"  Glad you asked!  Here is my FIVE POINT PLAN to make the wrestling world a world I'd want my children to live in in 2014!

1. Bring back SHANE O MAC - There's a MYTHCONCEPTION that Triple HHH is the KEWL McMahon, but how can he be when he still listens to Motorhead and sleeps with STephanie!?  That first thing hasn't been cool since the eighties and the second hasn't been cool since 1994 (just ask Randy Savage's ghost OOOOOOH YEAH!)  Shane was responsible for the Attitude Era as he was watching ECW in the gym with Pete Gas one day when he turned to Pete and said "those CATS have attitude!"  Vince was listening in (he bugged the gym because he was scared Shane would sell him out to the feds!) and ran in (he was in a van outside!) and said "I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT, SON!" and Shane said "what, cats?" and Vince said "NO YOU MOOK, ATTITUDE!"  It was also Shane's idea to leech off other cool things like SOUTH PARK (that's why Golga wrestled in a Cartman mask and said "screw you guys, I'm going home!" everytime the Oddities tagged him in, therefore losing all their matches by countout!) and actually INVENTED Chuck Norris by hiring his old kung fu teacher STEVE BLACKMAN who was so awesome that suddenly people said "hey, maybe Chuck Norris was cool too and not kind of lame and short like I thought!"  He also invented the top rope flying elbow through the announce table on Test!  Sure he made some mistakes like jobbing for Kane (Shane should have won the feud and Kane should have disappeared for six months then came back in a NEW MASK for his REAL monster push) but those punches on Randy Orton only looked bad because Shane was holding back as he knew if he punched Randy for real he could kill him!  Shane being a young man (49) will bring hip cool young ideas like possibly cross promotion with Downton Abbey!

2. FIRE all the MEN from TNA and make it a Diva's only company - Let's face it, TNA sucks.  People don't like to say it because they have some good wrestlers and put on some good matches...but it's still TNA.  It still has Bubba Ray Dudley pretending to marry Hulk Hogan's daughter.  It still has Tazz being allowed to speak on television.  It's still TNA and it still sucks and always will as long as it's TNA.  So turn it into something else!  Who here wouldn't LUV a Diva's only company with all the BEST Divas in the world!?  Not just great current TNA woman works like Tara and that girl with the ass, but also great Japanese and Mexican talent like Astonishing Kong, Aja Kong, Bullish Mechano and The Humping Bomb Angels!  They could even sign great WWE workers like LAYLA (who is being HELD DOWN), Naomi (NO OTHER DIVA has ever done a BACKWARDS LEAPFROG) and NXT's pale Paige (she's from England which means she was trained by great workers like William Regal and Big Daddy!  Plus she's only sixteen which means she has twenty years of hotness left in her!)  The worthwhile TNA men like Daniels, Kazarian, Robbie T and Sharkboy could go to WWE and the WORTHLESS men would finally disappear (not naming any names...not naming any SAMOAN names...)

3. Send The Rock to England for a year - This might sound crazy BUT LET ME EXPLAIN!!!!!!!1  First of all we ALL know The Rock gets BLOWN UP everytime he wrestles now.  It's because he's forty and has to eat steroids every morning as part of his real job as an action star.  Obviously we can't expect The Rock to stop eating steroids, so the solution is for him to wrestle ENGLAND STYLE!  You see in England they have ROUNDS in wrestling matches and every match is broken up into five minute rounds, a tradition dating back to Winston Churchill's match with Neville Chamberlain to determine the new Prime Minster!  This is to let English people have time to MAKE TEA during matches as those crazy Brits can't go five minutes without that goo!  Rock can say he's following in the footsteps of English legends like Tommy Billionham the Dynamite Cad, Finlay and Rockstar Spud and now that he's "found himself" in England he will ONLY wrestle in English style matches with five minute rounds!  This means he won't get blown up anymore as he'll be able to rest!  Rock can also act like a SNOOTY LIMEY BRIT BASTARD like they have on Donwton Abbey (see point 1)!!  Also as the Rock's real career is as an actor now he can SECRETLY TRAIN with famous English actors like Patrick Stewart, Daniel Gay Lewis, Dame Judy Dutch, Jonny Depp and Ki-Adi Mundi to become a real actor!

4. WWE should TEAM UP with NEW JAPAN - You might be asking "Hot Newz, how good can New Japan when it's all in Japanese!?"  Well I'll tell you: VERY GOOD!  In Japan wrestling is STIFF that it might as well be real!  New Japan is the HOT NEW FORCE in wrestling becasue they dsicovered that people like buying ippvs where the stream DOESN'T go down after five minutes (take note ROH!) and are now offiically the SECOND biggest comapany in the world as their last ippv did more buys then the last TEN TNA, ROH, Chikara, Dragon Gate, Respect Pro Wrestling Gorilla, CZW and Fantasy Sex Wrestling ppvs combined!  And that's even though they have a guy with short weedy arms whose finisher is a short clothesline in the main event!  WWE clearly has a lot to learn from New Japan (like how to get Harry Smith over!) but New Japan also has a lot to learn from WWE (like how to speak English!) so a team up would help both conquer THE ENTIRE WRESTLING WORLD!  That would leave only New WWE Japan and TNA Divas as the only two wrestling companies in the world which would be much less confusing for viewers and much easier on newz reporters!

5. Turn Cena Heel...FOR ADULTS - I know people will say "HOt Newz, they'll never turn Cena heel he sells loads of t-shirts and stuffed bears and Cena Chewable Vitamins to kids!"...that's why I said turn him heel FOR ADULTS, dumbass!  Back in the early nintenies Bret Hart was a HEEL in America but a FACE in Canada!  This meant WWF (as it was then known, history fans!) could sell "America Rules, Bret Smells!" shirts in America and "America Smells, Bret Rules!" shirts in Canada and all they had to do was swap two words!  This made the WWE nine million dollars a week (of course WCW was making NINETY MILLION dollars a week with the NWO at the same time!) and was a sound business move!  It's now time to do the same thing with John Cena!  All adult men HATE Cena already anyway all they have to do is have Cena cut a promo saying "you know what I want to thank MY KID FANS for all their support...but the rest of you can go POOP yourselves!" and make a fart noise!  He could then be seen visiting schools and children's hospitals and even zoos dressed in bright colors and playing with kids!  He could even have an ARMY of children follow him everywhere and come to the ring with him like Michael Jackson did!  Adult women will still cheer him due to his SEXY MUSCLES, of course, but Cena can even turn heel on them by sayig "I like kids more than I like adult women!" and hugging the kids to taunt the women!  WWE could then sell even more kiddy than before Cena merchandise to kids (he could release an album of KID RAPS about how homework sucks and whatever else kids believe in!) and ANTI-CENA merch to adults like plastic bottles to throw at him!  This could eventually lead to the ultimate adults only wresting star BATISTA returning and he could have an army of porn stars to counter Cena's army of children!  Batista could stay heel with kids by popping their balloons on the way to the ring!  WWE could even start selling Batista brand condoms to adults!  I know I'd wear them (even just for a masturwank!)

WRESTLEMANIA SIGN IDEAS

"Read My Sign While You Wait For Rock To Get His Breath Back."

"I Paid To Not See Zack Ryder."

"We're All In The 'House Of Pain' Watching Ryback v Henry!"

"If Triple H Wets Himself I'll Dry It!" - only hold this if you're a girl or a gay

"Zeb Colter Got Jimmy Wang Yang Deported!"

"SPOILER: The Rock Charges Out Of the Corner With A Clothesline."

"Chris Masters Carried A Tree To A Better Match Than This!" - to be held during any bad match (so any match on the card basically!)

"GAME OF THRONES SPOILER: They All Die!"

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday and it's going to be bigger than Andre's cock and here are 10000 million % percent accurate spoilers I got from my top level sources so don't read if you're a pussy who doesn't like spoilers!

Wade Barrett versus The Miz - Before they're about to wrestle ANTONIO CEEZARO comss out and says "Eeeeey!  I am a champion too!  I should be on this WrestlingMania show, or at LEAST the pre show so let's turn this into a triple threat match!"  Then Miz and Barrett look at each other and NOD and Barrett gives Ceezaro the Bonesmasher Elbow right into a Skull Crushing Final from the Miz!  This is because Barrett is turning face soon and this is a tease!  Antonio is carried away on a stetcher which has "NXT" written on the bottom of it!  Then Miz and Barrett SHAKE HANDS to show they are friends but Barrett tries to turn the handshake into a Sovenierbuster Elbow (he's not a face yet!) and Miz DUCKS it and locks on a CROSSFACE CHICKENWING and Barrett taps out right away!  Then BOB BACKLUND comes out and says "young man I was so impressed by your application of the Crossface Chickenwing that I OFFICIALLY endores you!" because they're so fucking desperate to get Miz over and Miz says "thank you, MIZter Backlund!"  And if the fans are still booing Miz at this they'll definatly be cheering when MARIA MENSTRAULOS comes out and says "please cheer Miz!" because she's hotter than all the Divas thanks to her GREEK JEANS (which she's wearing!)  But will Maryse (she's back, in the front row!) be jealous!?

Brotus Clay, The Hip Hop Hippo and the Funkydyketiles versus Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bizzellas - Rhodes Scholars come out first and Shadow says "you're welcome!  As usual Team Rhodes Scholars are ONE STEP AHEAD.  You dancing PEONS might have a white guy pretending to be a Japanese guy on your team...but we've got a REAL Japanese ninja on our team!  You're wlecome!"  And out comes TAJIRI and he shoots ORANGE MIST in a kid's face to show that he's evil!  Then the Dancing Fatties come out and Brotus says "SHEAH YOU DO.  But guess what?  We have someone to counteract Tajira!  GOLDUST, GET YOUR GOLD BUTT OUT HERE!" and Goldust comes out RUBBING HIMSELF to counteract Tajiri!  But then Cody says "ha!  I knew you'd recruit my worthless brother!  That's why I recurited my former sister in law, his ex wife, I give you...MARLENA!"  Then Marlena comes out smoking a cigar and puts it out on some kid to show she's evil and Goldust starts to cry!  Then Brotus says "OH SHEAH?  We knew you'd recruit that old skank!  That's why we recruit MY FAT MOMMA to counteract her!" and his fat momma from last year with the cushion's in her butt comes out and does a fat dance!  BUT THEN suddenly she pulls out pepper spray and aims it at her own son and Damion says "you're welcome!  Splendid!  We knew you'd recruit your fat momma to counteract Marlena, so I SEDUCED her last night in BED!  Use the pepper spray now!"  Fat Momma nods...AND PEPPER SPRAYS Damian!  Brotus then says "Yeah, we KNEW you'd try to seduce my fat momma...so we had someone take her place!" and Goldust wipes off his gold makeup to reveal that he's wearing BLACKFACE underneath and he says "I faked every orgasm!"  Then Noami gives the Bella with no breast implants the Space Flying Tiger Drop for the three.

Big Show, Randy Orton and Shameus versus The Shield - Big Show, Orton and Shameus are KICKING ASS until PAGIE from NXT comes out wearing a leather jacket!  And Sheamus says "Och, what are YE doing here, LITTLE SISTER!?"  (They're both pale so they must be related!)  Then Paige says "THIS!" and pulls her leather jacket off but it's not her breasts that are underneath it's somethign even more shocking: a The Shield T-Shirt!  Then Ambrose rolls up Sheameus for the win!  Then Pagie says "That's BLOODY WELL RIGHT, you sodding WANKER!  I've been with ALL THREE of the Shield doing some worldclass SHAGGING and you can't compete with that, brother, because that would be incest!"  Then Randy Orton RAISES AN EYEBROW because he's getting an idea and his storyline for the next three months is attempting to turn Paige against the Shield by shagging her rotten!

P Diddy comes out of a special trapdoor (this will be IMPORTANT LATER!) and sings the WrestleMania song and does the P Diddy shuffle!

Chris Jericho versus Fandamndo - Fandango ORDERS Jericho to say his name correctly and Jericho DOES and Fandango looks shocked and while he looks shocked Jericho quickly goes to give him the Codebreaker...but Fandango reverses it into a flajack!  Then he grabs the mic and says "Ha!  I KNEW that Jericho was planning to finally say my name right so that I would be surprised and he could give me a codebreak, so I worked out that I could counter a Codebreaker into a flapjack!" and does a dance!  Then Jericho schoolboys him for the win.

Team Hell No versus Dolph Ziggler and Biggy Langstrom - Team Hell No win when Kane pins Ziggler CLEAN with the chokeslam!  But then Ziggler kicks Kane in the balls and hits Bryan over the head with the Money In The Bank Briefcase and says "You know what?  I'm CASHING IN my money in the bank RIGHT NOW!  It gives me a shot at a WORLD TITLE...and the Tag titles ARE world titles!" and he pins Bryan (pulling the tights!) to win the belts for him and the other guy!  Then JR says "BAH GAWD, WHAT A SMART MOVE BY ZIGGLER, HE'S RIGHT, THE TAG TITLES ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE WORLD TITLE!"  Then he looks a tthe King and they both start LAUGHING because no one could believe that shit!

Ryback versus Mark Henry - They do an extra long and dramatic TEST OF STRENGTH for five minutes!  This is NOT because both men SUCK and can't do anythig else, it's because there are actually HIDDEN WIRES attached to Henry's back so he can't take any bumps are move around much!  The hidden wires are because of that time Ryback tried to give Tensai the Shellshook live on RAW and couldn't get him up!  Ryback pulls Henry right out of the test of strength into the Shellshock (with help from TEN MEN hidden in the rafters pulling on the invisible wires!) and gets the three!  Then afterwars Mark Henry looks sad in the ring and stands around looking sad and the fans start to give him a standing ovation because they've figured out that he's about to announce his retirment and Henry grabs the mic and says "it is with regret that I'd like to announce...that MANY MORE FOOLS will be entering the HOUSE OF PAIN, I AIN'T RETIRING EVER!" and this gets an even BIGGER standing ovation!

Alberto Del Rio versus Jack Swagger - Alberto is dominating with moves he stole from Carlito until Zeb hits the ref with a tea kettle and KURT ANGLE'S MUSIC plays!  Del Rio looks around confused and then THE PATRIOT comes out except he's taller and more muscular!  ANd JR says "I REMEMBER THAT MUSIC, IT WAS USED BY THE PATRIOT!" to explain to younger fans!  The Patriot says "you have been a BAD AMERICA!" and acts like he's about to hit Swagger when suddenly he grabs Del RIo in a full nelson and gives him UNCLE SLAM!  And Swagger wins the title.  Then The Patriot rips off his mask to reveal CHRIS MASTERS and he says "yeah, that's right, after I ripped that tree out of the ground I found out tha tthe man holding my mother prisoner WAS A MEXICAN.  So I'm BACK with UNCLE MASTERLOCK SLAM to fight for Patriotism and fight against trees and Mexicans!" and gives Ricardo an Uncle Masterlock Slam!

Triple H versus Brock Lesnar NO DQ HARDCORE STREET MATCH - Triple H comes out (with a confused Motorhead kind of playing his theme and vaguely singing the lyrics, unaware of where they even are) with a SLEDGEHAMMER taped to EACH arm!  That's two sledgehammers!  Lesnar comes out with BIKER CHAINS wrapped around both arms AND around both legs, giving him the tactical advantage!  They BATTER each other with their arms for a while until Triple H hits Lesnar in the ear with the sledgehammer six times, knocking him down!  But Lesnar uses his biker chain legs to kick Triple H in the quad a few times and HHH rolls under the ring...and comes back out with BARBED WIRE wrapped around the top of his sledgehammer arms!  Triple H punches Lesnar in the gut with a barbed wire sledgehammer and Lesnar PUKES right in the middle of the ring because he has gut problems remember!  But Triple H SLIPS on the puke and hits his head on a steel chair on the way down!  This allows Lesnar to bring in a chair wrapped in barbed wire and hit HHH in the back and quads with it 28 times!  But TRiple H comes back with a punch to the BALLS with the barbed wire sledgehammer then pedigrees him on the barbed wire chair!  Triple H knows this won't get the win so he drags Lesnar out of the ring to give him a pedigree through the announce table but Lesnar REVERES to an F5 through TWO announce tables!  Lesnar knows that won't be enough for the win though and spreads THUMBTACKS all over the ring and gives Triple H five belly to belly suplexs on the tacks...but then runs into a spinerbuster on the tacks!   HHH then wraps Lesnar in barbed wire and gives him a spinebuster on the tacks with the barbed wire still around him!   HHH knows that won't get the job done however so he lights one of his barbed wire sledgehammer fists on fire...but Lesnar BREAKS his other arm with a kamura!  Heyman then rolls a STEEL TABLE into the ring and Lesnar prepares to F5 Hunter onto it but as he's swinging HHH in mid air HHH hits him in the back of the head with his flaming slegehammer fist (it's EXTRA BURNY FIRE!)  Then he goes for the pedigree on top of the steel table but Lesnar backdrops him all the way from there to the floor and Heyman pulls the mat at the right moment and HHH lands on concrete!  Lesnar then goes for a Shooting Star Press from the top rope to HHH who is lying on the concrete, but HHH rolls out of the way and Lesnar lands GUT FIRST on the concrete and VOMITS again and the vomit goes straight up twenty feet in the air and lands back in Lesnar's throat and he chokes!  But when HHH picks him up Lesnar surprises him with a quick F5 through the concrete!  But when Lesnar tries to pick HHH up HHH susprises HIM with a quick pedigree onto Lilian Garcia!  Both men are exhausted at last and STRUGGLE up and Lesnar picks up the steps and CHARGES at HHH but HHH pulls a GIGANTIC STEEL SLEDGEHAMMER out from underneath Lilian's body and they hit each other AT THE SAME TIME!  The referee is about to count them both down but they both get up at nine!  Paul Heyman smashes A GIGANTIC CELL PHONE over HHH's head knocking him out and the match looks over until VINCE MCMAHON marches out, his hip completely healed, gives Heyman a bodyslam (JR: "BAH GAWD IT'S WRESTLEMANIA 3 ALL OVER AGAIN!") then FLIPS LESNAR THE BIRD and gives him THE STONE COLD STUNNER and Lesnar does a backflip selling it like The Rock selling for Austin!  Obviously no one can get up from that and HHH gets the pin!

The Undertaker versus CM Punk - CM Punk come out cradling the Urn and it's glowing RED like BLOOD now and Punk has a new tattoo of SATAN on his back (Ned Flanders version of Satan,of course!)  Then Punk says "last night I took the virginity of a seventeen year old girl!  Don't worry, it was legal in the state I was in...BUT BARELY!  Then me and the girl sacrificed A GOAT in front of the urn and filled the urn with goat blood and NOW I have access to ALL The Undertaker's powers HAHAHAH PIPE BOMB!"  And rolls his eyes back in his head like only The Undertaker can do!  Then Undertaker comes out for his entrace but he's SHAKEY and has to be supported by DRUIDS on the way to the ring!  Then Undertaker gives Punk a chokeslam right away but Punk does a ZOMBIE SIT-UP then grabs Undertaker's arm and does the OLD SCHOOL ropewalk (instead of shouting "old school!" he shouts "Fantastic Four Rule!") to show that he has access to ALL of Undertaker's powers!  Then Punk holds Undertaker in the Hell's Gate for TEN MINUTES as JR says "BAH GAWD IN SWEET HEAVEN THE STREAK IS ENDING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES.  BUT NOT JUST THE STREAK, BAH GAWD IT'S AS IF HOPE IS ENDING, IT'S AS IF EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD FOR ANY GOD-FEARING CHRISTIAN IS DYING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!"  Just as the referee is about to drop Punk's hand for a third time the lights go out and PAUL BEARER'S VOICE says "OOOOOH, YESSSS!"  Then when the lights come back on the Urn is glowing GREEN and JR says "GREEN!  THE COLOUR OF THE UNDERTAKER!  WHAT MUST HAVE HAPPENED IS THAT PAUL BEARER'S GHOST HAS POSSESSED THE URN AND GIVEN ITS POWER BACK TO THE UNDERTAKER!" and Lawler says "makes sense!"  Then when Punk tries to pick up the Urn it BURNS HIS HANDS and he staggers around saying "oww, my hands have been burnt!" until he stumbles right into the hands of the The Undertaker who gives him a chokeslam (he can't do a tombstone anymore because both his knees are broken!) for the win!

The Rock versus John Cena - Before the match ZACH RYDER is shown on the front row (sitting next to Maryse!) holding a sign that reads "at least I'm on the show, bro!"  Since everyone IN THE WORLD knows The Rock is going to get blown up they do FOUR double clothesline knockout spots to give the Rock time to rest!  And they're all exciting double clotheslines becaseu they're running in different directions each time!  Then finally Rock looks Cena in a deadly bearhug (a callback to Cena using that exciting move on Rock last year!) until suddenly CM PUNK comes out through P Diddy's special trap door holding a special microphone which has been designed to look like a pipe bomb!  Punk says "So this is your main event, a man hugging another man.  Wouldn't you much rather see fresh young talent like Tyson Kidd, Evan Air Bourne and even Zach Ryder here in the main event?  They cancelled Z True Long Island Story to pay Rock's fee!"  Then Ryder grabs the pipe bomb and says "Dude, bro, seriously bro, I'm just happy to be on the show, bro, wooo wooo broo!"  And Punk looks angry and GRABS RYDER'S SIGN from him like he's going to tear it up but Rock sticks his head out of the ring to stop this (what a hero!) but Punk hits Rock with the sign and it makes a METALLIC THUD and Rock is knocked out!  Ryder and Punk then SMILE EVILY and Punk teras the sign open to reveal a STOP SIGN inside except instead of saying "STOP" it says "ROCK" with a line through it!  Thne Cena gets the in and looks CONFLICTED and can he live with himself tune into RAW to find out!

What a WrestleMania it's going to be!  Back next year with more WrestleMania spoilerers see you then follow me on TWITTER!

RYBACK TO TURN HEEL, CHANGE HIS NAME TO RYBRICK, WIN EVERY MATCH BY HITTING HIS OPPONENT WITH A BRICK, KISS THE BRICK AFTER THE MATCH?  ECW TO RETURN AS ANIMATED SERIES?  EMMA FROM NXT TO GO ON DANCING WTIH THE STARS?  BIFF FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE INVOLVED WITH DRAGON GATE USA IN SOME WAY?  TAZZ THE FATHER OF MADISON RAYNE'S BABY?  PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF STEPHANIE MCMAHON EATING BACON IN THE BATH WHILE TRIPLE H POLISHES HIS SLEDGEHAMMER I AND MEAN THAT LITERALLY AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

6/11/12

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that the RAW ratings are in the toilet!  They haven't quite been flushed all the way down the toilet yet, but they will be soon!  The ONLY way ratings could POSSIBLY turn round is if Vince McMahon gives me a hundred million dollars and freedom to book both RAW and Smackdown, says "go nuts, kid!" then runs off into the night to give Linda a sympothy bone after she loses elction!  So I'm going to PRETEND that has really happened and here is how I would have booked the RAW and Smackdown after Hell in a Cell if I had a hundred million dollars to hire new talent and celebrity guests and total freedom and I think you'll agree the ratings would climb all the way out of the toilet and end up hovering quite far ABOVE the toilet!

The show starts with VICKIE GUERRERO alread in the ring (having the show start with someone walking to the ring is BORING and WASTES TIME) and she says "excuse me!" but after six seconds (the longest time possible to show Vickie without viewers changing channel!) THE GLASS SMASHES and Old Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out!  He grabs the mic and says "OH HELL YEAH, WHAT!  Old Stone Cold is BACK as the new GM of RAW!  THat's right, Vickie, Vince said to tell you you're fired!  What have you go to say about that?"  Then before Vickie can reply Austin gives her a Stunner(!) and says "DTA YOU PIECE OF CRAP!" because violence against women is BACK and it never should have gone away!  Then Austin says "Now Ryback, you piece of trash, I heard you have something to say, you piece of garbage, so bring your bald head out here RIGHT NOW you piece of trashbage!"  Then Ryback comes out GROWLING and grabs the mic and says "FEED.  ME.  PUNK."  Then Austin says "I'd love to feed you Punk you piece of trash, he's a piece of trash, but he hasn't shown up tonight!  And if he don't show up he will LOSE his title BY FORFEIT because tonight he's going to defend in a special FIFTEEN MAN ROYAL RUMBLE the piece of garabage!"  Then Austin stuns RYBACK to show how UNPREDICTABLE he is and says "you ain't Goldberg because these people say you are, you suck BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!"

MEANWHILE we see GRAINY FOOTAGE of CM Punk in a DESERT with his car broken down!   Punk says "Yeah, tha'ts right, someone SABOTAGED my car so I can't get to RAW and defend my title!  It's a conspiracy!  Luckily I've got Colt Cacameraman here to document the whole thing!"  Then Colt turns the camera on himself and says "thaaaanks!" in that really obnoxious way he always says it in the Art Of Wreslting podcast!

LAYLA is shown having a BUBBLE BATH backstage and she says cryptically "you know, some people say I'm the REAL Black Widow!"  This is to set up a match between her and Scarlett Johansson at WrestleMania if Marvel accept my offer (all of the 100 million I haven't spent by the end of this show!)

JERRY THE KING LAWYER comes out to a big pop BUT BEFORE he can speak and before the crowd can give him a ten minute standing ovation (which they would because he deserves it but it would make boring tv!), DOLPH ZIGGLER interrupts!  Ziggler says "yeah yeah, it's great that you no sold that heart attack, but what about me!  What about the Zig-Zag Man!  I'm a young guy with MONEY IN THE BANK and you don't see me getting no ten minute standing ovation!"  Then Lawler says "you know what Ziggler I've seen you come out here every week saying you're the best but how about you prove it by putting your Money In The Bank briefcase on the line against ME right THIS MINUTE NOW!"  Then Ziggler says "yes!" and runs right at Lawler but flips himself forward into a piledriver position and Lawler slowly sits down on his butt giving Ziggler a piledriver (we don't want Lalwer injured!) and getting the win in four seconds!  This is to set up Lawler challenging for the title at WrestleMania in a FEELGOOD MOMENT (he'll still lose though!) and don't worry about Ziggler he'll get all his heat back on Smackdown AND MORE.

Next up, THE MIZ hits the ring and says "yeah, I'm not SCHEDULED to be here right now, but I don't give a crap!  I've just found out that I'm not going to be part of the fifteen man Royal Rumble tonight!  Really?  FOR REALSIES?  It's obvious that Stone Cold doesn't want a HANDSOME REALITY STAR as the champion!"  Miz is then interrupted by "WOOOOO!" and RIC FLAIR'S MUSIC which is followed by RIC FLAIR hitting the ring (with an elbow drop!)  Flair then grabs the mic from Miz and says "WOOOOO!" (as Flair's an insane old man now I'm banning him from cutting proper promos and he'll only be allowed to say two things: "WOOOOO" and "can dance all night long"!) then hands Miz a BROWN ENVELOPE!  Miz looks at the envelope (without opening it!) NODS and JR says "COULD THIS BE HORSEMAN RELATED FOLKS?"  This is the start of a new MYSTERY ANGLE that will turn ratings around and I haven't actually decided how it will end yet but it will be great!

MEANWHILE Punk is shown racing to the arena in a STOLEN POLICE CAR and Cabana says "can I turn on the siren, can I?  PLEASE?" and Punk says "no" which is an attempt to recreat the "Tomko give me a beat"/"no" incident which we all remember!

Next up it's finally time for a match The Three Man Band Baby versus Epico, Primo (NOW FACES) and the return of ALEX RILEY who is wearing a SCARF like he's a European and he grabs the mic and says "I might be wearing  a scarf but I'm more of a MAN than you three!"  This is to set up that he's actually GAY and he'll be the first GAY FACE in the history of wrestling (Evan Bourne's inured!)  3MB win with their new finisher THE GUITAR PICK (double hiptoss into a Drew McIntyre powerbomb) because I'm pushing them to keep the smarks happy and Drew most of all then Drew says "Tiffany, I've got someone MUCH HOTTER than you now!" and the HOT GINGER GIRL Karen Gillan from DOCTOR WHO comes out and MAKES OUT WITH HIM (I'm sure she'll agree to do it since I've got a hundred mill to spend and the BBC is a socialist company that probably pays literally nothing!  And they're both Scotlandish so they must know each other!)

HOWARD FINKEL is wheeled out to the ring (he's too fat to walk under his own power, but the fans still love him!) and says "it is now time for the fifteen man ROYAL RUMBLE match!  Here is the individual that drew NUMBER ONE!  And John Cena's old WORD LYFE music plays becuase he's number one and he's back to being a raper and here's his rap!

Yo yo yo yo YO, back to the old, sick of the new,
Going to run you over like you're Steve Austin and I'm Rikish Phatu!
People say I got stale, that I ain't go the touch,
People I'll make you humble, like Iron Sheik with a Camel Clutch!
And yeah I went to AJ's hotel room, where I ate more than a dish,
But I'm not a bad guy, do lots of work for Make A Wish!
I'm saying we had oral sex, if you didn't get it or if my rapping's hit the skids,
Never going to turn heel because I sell loads of merchandise to the kids!
WORD FREAKIN' DEATH!

I'm sure you'll agree all the grown men fans will love Cena again after this!  Number two in the Royal Rumble is David Otunga and Cena EFFORTLESSLY flips him out of the ring with the FU (it's back!) right away then yawns and looks at his watch to show his new attitude!  Number three is VAL VENIS in a surprise appearance to get "Val Venis" trending on Twitter and attract older fans back (a can't fail strategy!) and he says "Hello Ladies, heh heh heh!  You know something?  The Big Valbogus is a lot like George Lucas!  You konw, I made some movies.  Made some money.  And when women see MY lightsaber they scream "NOOOOOOOO!" like Darth Vader...because it's so big!  And after I win this Royal Rumble?  I'm going to Disney World!"  Then Cena clotheslines him out right away.  Number four is DANIEL BRYAN and he and Cena recreate that match they had on Velocity in 2003 move for move!  Number five is KANE and he and Bryan spend the full two minutes saying "I'm the tag team champions!" because it NEVER GETS OLD!

Number six is DOCTOR SHELBY (he's back!) who has entered himself to talk some sense into Kane and Daniel...but they end up TRIPLE TEAMING Cena once he does!  Number seven is the Apesex Predator RANDY ORTON who comes out wearing a Smackdown t-shirt as part of an ongoing feud between the two brands that will be ongoing!  Number eight is MIchael McGillicutty as a WILD CARD to show that anyone has a chance of winning (he's eliminated by Cena right away for realism.)  Number nine is KEVIN NASH who Jackknives Daniel Bryan over the top rope to the floor to rile up smarks!  Number ten is Brotus Clay who eliminates Nash because he's getting a big push now and Naomi does guest commentary and says "i'm going for the Divas championship on Smackdown!" to set that up!  Cole then makes a joke saying they can't let Cameron on commentary BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A CAR CRASH and JR says "did she BRIBE you to say that!" then they high five!

Number eleven is BROCK LESNAR because I'm burning out all his contractual appearances for short term gains!  He eliminates Nash, Kane AND Doctor Shelby all at once to show how tough he is!  Number twelve is SETH ROLLINS from NXT to MIX THINGS UP!  Number thirteen is Albert Del Rio and he eliminates Seth Rolls AND HIMSELF with a crossbody and then puts Seth Rollins in an armbar on the floor...this doesn't mean I'm putting Rollins on the main roster, I'm actually putting Del Rio on NXT to make him respect me (he's notorious for not respecting new bookers!)  Number fourteen is RYBACK who eliminates Clay and Orton with a DOUBLE MEATHOOK CLOTHESLINE right away then has a TENSE STAREDOWN with Brock...but before they can go at it (have to save that for WrestleMania!) CENA jumps in between them and is all "aww, shucks, aren't I adorkable!"  So they rip his legs off (not literally...unless we can get FAKE LEGS for Cena to wear!?)  Then everyone stops in shock as SCOTTY TOO HOTTY'S music plays and he's the final entrat at fifteen(!?) but just as he starts to dance down the asile CM PUNK drives up in that stolen cop car and RUNS HIM OVER then says "I'm here and I'm in the Rumble!" and Colt says "ColtMerch.com!" and Punk drives the cop car right into the side of the ring!  Colt eliinates CENA with a HIGH KNEE and LESNAR with a DOUBLE HIGH KNEE then puts Ryback in a choke hanging over the ropes like Benoit did to Big Show to eliminate him from Royal Rumble 2004 (JR: "I've never seen this move before, folks!") and he nearly has Ryback out...

...when STONE COLD'S music plays and Austin comes out and says "oh hell yeah you piece of trash this is a sixteen man Royal Rumble you piece of garbage and I am the sixteenth man oh hell yeah!" then just reaches up from the floor and pulls Punk out to eliminate him!  Then pulls a BRIEFCASE out from under the ring and his Punk with it and Punk blades!  Then Austin gets in the ring and faces off with Ryback...and says "I respect you, feedmemoreman!" and steps over the top rope himself to give Ryback the win!  Then Austin says "OH HELL YEAH it was a set up all along and all you pieces of garbage trash fell for it, you think old Stone Cold became a millionaire by not selling out, old Stone Cold sold out years ago and now Ryback is the new CORPORATE Ryback to deal with rebel scum like Punk oh hell yeah!" and he pulls a SUIT out of the briefcase and Ryback puts it on and says "ME CORPORATE NOW RRRRRRRR!"  (By the way, Punk's a face now!)

So now it's on to Smackdown and I know what you're thinking you're thinking "OMG Hot Newz how can you top RAW unless Layla's in the bubble bath again and this time there's no bubbles!?" well you're about to find out!

The show starts wtih Booker T in the ring doing a spinaroonie to show he's a fun GM when suddenly STONE COLD comes out and says "Booker T, the board of director's have told old Stone Cold to appoint a new CO GM to Smackdown because you're obviously an Obama voter and we need a Romney voter as well to keep thing's fair and here is that new GM!"  Then "JACK ONE TWO" plays and JACK SWAGGERS comes out and says "I am an ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN right down to my GUTS and if you don't believe it then watch me SPIT OUT red white and blue!" then sprays RED WHITE AND BLUE MIST into Booker's eyes!  Then Booker is staggering around blind and DOLPH ZIGGLER jumps out of the crow and gives him a Zig Zag and Swagger smiles and says "thank you for taking care of that problem OLD FRIEND you will have a title match with Big Show tonight as your reward!"

Justin Gabriel versus Rey Mysterio - They have a TWENTY MINUTE CLASSIC like used to happen on THUNDER back in the day and just as Rey is about to hit the 619, SIN CARA kicks him in the head and Justin wins but then looks confused and Sin Cara smiles then RIPS HIS MASK OFF revealing DAMIEN SUNDOWN underneath and he says "truely my intellectual plan to steal Sin Cara's mask then kick Rey in the head has paid off handsomely!"  This is the start of a long intellectual fued between Rey and Damien which will end at WM (Cody and Sin Cara are being released to save money!)

Eva Torres versus Naomi - Naomi dominates with SUPER ATHLETIC moves because she's a super athlete and wins the Diva's title with her finisher: the top rope 1080 splash!  Then KAITLYN comes out and says "Eve, I've finally found who the blonde woman working with you was that took me out.  It...was...ME!" then smiles evily and gives Naomi a clothesline and an inverted death valley driver onto two chairs!  Then Eve smiles sexily at Kaitlyn and this is of course the start of a lesbian angle!

WADE BARRETT comes out to the ring and says "alroight mate, Randy Orton, you plonker, I challenge you to come out 'ere right now and fight me ENGLISH STYLE you jammy dodger!"  Then Orton comes out and they have a HARD HITTING BRAWL until Orton traps Barett in the ropes!  Then Orton says "you know what I'm sick of you being English and getting in my business so my little friend is going to take care of you and you'll know why they call me THE VIPER!" and he pulls a VIPER out from under the ring(!) and it's going to bite Barrett on the arm like Jake the Snake did to Macho Man before they both died, and Barrett closes his eyes in FEAR and says "oh please no!" then Orton winks and SANTINO rolls into the ring with the COBRA on his hand and bites Barrett with it but Barrett still has his eyes closed and thinks it's the viper and pees himself!  Then Orton and Santino do a jumping high five!  This is to set up Barrett returning to England for six weeks to find himself and he'll record videos with many English celebrities such as Piers Morgan, The Spice Girls, 1 Direction, Captain Picard, Prince Harry (a big fan!) and Bono!

Dolph Ziggler comes back out to the ring holding NOTES but then TEARS UP the notes!  Ziggler says "you know what, Jack Swagger gave me some notes on things I should say out here, but I just tore those notes up and I'm not going to say those things!  I'm sick of being Jack Swagger's assistant after an hour in the job!  I'm sick of not being able to tell YOU GREAT FANS (he's turned face!) how much your support means to me!  And by the way, on RAW I said if Jerry Lawler beats me he can have the money in the bank briefcase...but I kept the CONTRACT THAT WAS INSIDE!" and he pulls the Money In The Bank contract out of his pants!  "That's right, I don't need a handout from Jack Swagger, I'll be challenging Big Show tonight but I EARNED it myself by deceiving Jerry Lawler!"  ANd the fans go wild!

TRIPLE H comes out to the ring and says "you know what I was sitting at home with Stephanie on Monday, thinking about how hot she is, when I saw Brock Lesnar in the Royal Rumble and my bloor boiled which was painful because it was flowing in a certain direction from thinking about Stephanie if you know what I mean!  Brock, at Survivor Series, I challenge you to take me on in a SURVIVAL MATCH (where the ring has NO ROPES!)  Then Brock appears via saturnlitte to save money and appearances (I've changed my mind since booking RAW!) and says "JUST BRING IT!"  Then HHH says "oh and by the way I hired a special SENSAI to train me for this match and his name...IS THE LETHAL WEAPON STEVE BLACKMAN!" and Blackman pops up from under the ring and says "it's party time!" and Lesnar's eyes bug out like a cartoon!

Ric Flair approaches David Otunga with a BROWN ENVELOPE backstage but when Otunga reaches for it Flair PULLS IT AWAY and runs it through his hair and says "wooooo!" to add to the mystery angle!

Thirty minutes of RAW highlights!

Now it's time for the main event of Big Show defending against Dolph Ziggler and Show dominates with chops and hiptosses and hit's the knockout punch...and Ziggler kicks out!  Zinggle comes back with a superkick to the knee, then one to the chest, then THREE to the face and is about to win...when SHEAMUS hits him with a Brogue Kick and Big Show gets the pin (it was a no DQ match!)  Then Show says "hahaha, fella, I realised after Big Show knocked me out that he is my MASTER now, fella!" and SHAKES HANDS with Big Show!  This is to set up Ziggle recruiting THE UNDERTAKER to help him take out Show and Sheamus (Undertaker won't wrestle because he has no knees or hips now, he'll just stand in Ziggler's corner on crutches saying "you can do it, kid!" from time to time.)

Backstage Jack Swagger says "great show but I'm bursting for a pee!" and runs into the bathroom...where LAYLA is still in the bubble bath and Swagger says "someone get me a pin to burst all the bubbles!" and winks to the camera!

No one can deny that these shows would turn the ratings around!  Back never with nothing!  Follow me on TWITTER!

VISCERA SET FOR RETURN IN TAG TEAM WITH HARK HENRY NAMED BIG, BLACK AND BEAUTIFUL?  TNA SETTLE STEINER LAWSUIT BY DRIVING A BIG TRUCK WITH "STEROIDS" WRITTEN ON THE SIDE UP TO HIS HOUSE, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY FULL OF CANDY?  ROH RELEVANT IN SOME WAY?  CRANKY VINCE TWITTER JUMPS THE SHARK WITH ALL THAT "BRONZE CLONE" STUFF?  FOLEY TO SHOW UP AT SURVIVOR SERIES EVEN THOUGH HE'S ALREADY BEEN DROPPED FROM THE ANGLE AND JUST STANDING AROUND BACKSTAGE FEELING USELESS FOR WHOLE SHOW UNTIL HE JUMPS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA WHEN MATT STRIKER IS INTERVIEWING EVE AND SAYS "PLEASE, LET ME PUT SOMEONE OVER, EVEN STRKER?" IN ANGLE WHICH NO ON, NOT EVEN HE, KNOWS IF IT'S A WORK OR A SHOOT?  PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF HULK HOGAN AND JIMMY HART'S WIFE AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

Raw/Smackdown/NXT spoilers! 27/52012

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that RAW and Smackdown were TAPED on one night this week!  That's because Vince wanted Monday off to have a BBQ and Tuesday off to fire people who offended him at the BBQ (anyone who DIDN'T check out Steph's ass!)  I was the ONLY wrestling journalist in attendance (I know all the others on sight, Meltzer's actually a black guy!) so I can now bring you an EXCLUSIVE report of this taping!  And here it is!

The show started with Lilian about to sing the national anthem but then JOHN LAURENITUS interrupted and said "because of PEOPLE POWER there will be no national anthem!" then ripped up the stars and stripes(!) and walked backstage.  This won't be on tv it was just for the fans in the arena so we knew to boo him!

The show started with the NXT TAPINGS of course and I was excited to see Maxine live in person and compare her to my mental memories (and mental masturwanks) of Layla and see who is hotter!  But instead it was DEREK BATEMAN standing in the ring to open the show and I booed and swatted my gum into his hair.  Bateman said "look, just because it's turned out that Johnny Curtis is actually a lot funnier than me and hell of a lot better in the ring than me, doesn't mean I'm useless!  I'm still good at standing in the ring talking until Ryback comes out to squash me!"  Then Ryback's music started and we all instantly started chanting "GOLDBERG", even kids who weren't born when Goldberg used to wrestle!  To counter this, WWE tried to PIPE IN chants of "RYBACK" using pipes!  But ironically the sound guy accidently played the taped "GOLDBERG" chants WCW used to play!  So Ryback came out to DOUBLE Goldberg chants and looked DOUBLE PISSED and then we could briefly hear Vince shouting "YOU'RE FIRED, FATASS!" at the (fat) sound guy coming from the pipes!

Anyway, Ryback squashed Bateman with his clothesline and his stupid finisher then said "EAT.  PRAY.  LOVE."  Then CURTIS HAWKINS and TYLER REX  came out and Curtis acted like he was about to point at Ryback with his cane to set up a handicap tag match main event for next week but instead he pointed at REX with his Cane and Rex pointed at Curtis with his FOOT and Ryback looked confused!

FInally it was time for the NXT main event as TYSON KIDD came out and said "You know what?  There might not be many people left on NXT now that Percy Watson's been released (check WWE.com for details!) but I still want to be THE KING of NXT so I challenge ANYONE in the back for that crown!"  Then JOHNNY CURTIS came out but WITHOUT Maxine (BOO!) and said "You know what?  I always wanted to be the king and maybe I'll make you my SEXY court jester!  Let's get weird!" and rubbed himself like Goldust (he's gay now!)  And Kidd and Johnny had a great 30 minute match to fill the rest of the show until they hit each other with DOUBLE DROPKICKS and both were down!  Then MAXINE ran out (to 5% cheers because she's hot, 5% boos because she's a heel and 90% no reaction because she's on NXT) and hit a MAXINE MOONSAULT from the to rope on both men and WILLIAM REGAL rolled into the ring and counted three!  Then Regal said "well done to the new QUEEN OF NXT, God save the Queen...of NXT!" and patted Maxine's ass and pulled a WOMAN'S CROWN out of his pants and gave it to Maxine and she put it on and waved!

Next it was time for RAW!  The show started with BROCK LESNAR's music playing unexpectidly and BROCK LESNAR walking out to the ring!  Lesnar said "you know what, I'm sick of this crap!  I have nothing left to prove!  I've shown I'm the best fighter in entertainment by beating John Cena and Triple H's arms!  There's only ONE MAN who could possibly be a more entertaining man fighter than me...and it isn't Dan Severn!  But that man isn't here tonight anyway...OR IS HE?"  Then KEN SHAMROCK'S music played and Ken came out looking as good as ever (but also fifteen years older)!  Ken said "you know what first of all SHUT UP!  I was in the back visiting some old friends when I heard you talking crap and I decided I couldn't listen to that crap anymore so I came out here to tell you to shut up like I just did!  And you might be the man who brings the pain, but i'm the man who brings the danger as I am the world's most dangerous man!  You might have had a hard life because of people bullying you because of your uglyass tattoos, but I grew up on the streets!  I lived in tin cans growing up!  And you might have had Sable when she was past her prime, but I had my sister Ryan when she was in her prime!  It's Knuckle Upple time!"  Lesnar charged at Shamrock in a rage but Ken gave him a drop toehold into an anklelock and Lesnar tapped out RIGHT AWAY!  Lesnar rolled out of the ring and said "I respect you, danger man!" and walked away (NOT SELLING THE ANKLE) without looking back!  Then Shamrock did a spinaroonie just for the live audience.

After this Michael Cole got an email from the Anonymous General Manager(!) and for some reason there was a piece of paper in the GM laptop (must have a printer in there!) which he read from.  "I can now officially announced that the previous segment FULFILLED Brock Lesnar's contractual obligations to the WWE and he will NEVER be seen again.  We would like to thank Brock Lesnar for doing everything that was asked of him after he refused to do all the previous things we'd asked of him.  Oh, and Paul Heyman's gone too."  And sat down again.  So Triple's arm won't get its win back!

Next up, John Lauraninetits came out (HEAVILY booed for his earlier flag antics!) and announced that John Cena will face Lord Tensai WITH ONE ARM TIED BEHIND HIS BACK tonight and up next yet another match between Kingston/Truth and Swagger/Ziggler since he can't think of anything else for them to do!

Kingston/Truth versus Swagger/Ziggler - Kingston and Truth were dominating with DOUBLE DROPKICKS until Vickie grabbed the mic and said "EXCUSE ME!  Is the only reason the two of you are a tag team because you're both BLACK?"  Then Kingston and Truth stared at each other for a long moment and deep down inside they both knew this was true and while they were distracted Swagger and Ziggler rolled them up for the double pin and became the new champions!  Then Vickie said "ha, my plan worked!" and did a crotch chop but with her ass instead of her crotch!

Backstage AW was shown standing wtaching the monitor with Primo, Epico, Rosa (in a neck brace because she was in a car crash BUT WHO WAS THE OTHER DRIVER?!), Mason Ryan, Drew McIntyre, the debut of SETH ROLLINS and Maxine (without her crown because even though NXT is taped first it is actually aired AFTER RAW, just a little known fact for you!)  Then Primo said "Uhh, how many more weeks are we going to just stand here watching monitors instead of wrestling in matches?" and AW said "EIGHT MORE WEEKS" and Primo looked sad.

EVE came out to the ring looking SEXY and EVIL in her glasses and everyone chanted "hoeski" because they don't respect women like I do (I chanted "HOTSKI!")  Eve said "eww, stop looking at my hot body and hot glasses, I'll have security PEPPER SPRAY the eyes of anyone who looks at me!"  Then security PEPPER SPRAYED a gay who was sitting next to me (I think he was a local indy worker plant though as he had "TOUGH TOM" tattooed on his thighs!)  Then KELLY KELLY came out to a big pop and more "hotski" chants (not by me, I find her bland) and said "Eve, what happened to you Eve, you used to be cool, but now you're a bitch, did you catch bitchiness from one of the many cocks you've had up you?"  Then Eve said "hang on, I need to use hairspray" and Kelly understood because even women who hate each other understand that sometimes you have to use hairspray, but then Eve SPRAYED the hair spray right in Kelly's eyes and said "oh hang on, better not get PEPPER in my hair, tee hee!" and did a sexy walk away from the ring!  This is the start of a BLIND KELLY angle where she will date one of the USOs but accidentally sleep with the other!

CHRISTIAN came out to the ring to big boos even though he was acting like a face because none of us trusted him because he's a creepy little bastard!  And Christian said "No, I've changed, I'm good now, I love you peeps!" and did the Peeps Salute but we thought it was a sarcastic salute and booed him!  Then he ran over to a woman with a baby in the front row and said "see, I'm nice!" and started frantically KISSING the baby to prove it!  But the mother SLAPPED him because it was a bit creepy (and a little bastardy!) and while Christian was reeling from that CODY RHODES suddenly ran down the barricade and gave him a Disaster Kick!  Then Cody rolled Chrstian back into the ring and said "I'm having my rematch RIGHT NOW!" and the bell rang and he bent down to pick up Christian...and Christian rolled him up for the three!  Then we all cheered Christian (even the mother!) because we all respect a guy who can win in three seconds!  Then Cody said "You know what?  I QUIT!" and took off his boots and threw them in the crowd (narrowly missing the baby!) and walked away.

CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan versus Kane triple threat non title match winner gets to pick the stipulations at No Way Out - This was set up by Lilian announcing it!  Before the match, Punk said to Bryan "Look, we both know that whenever anyone hits Kane with a chair he becomes unstoppable and destroys his opponents.  So let's both agree to NOT hit him with a chair in this match and we should be able to beat him because come on it's only Kane even Jack Swagger could beat him if he was getting a push probably!"  And Bryan said "YES!" and they high fived!  While they were high fiving, HORNSWOGGLE came out from under the ring with a little mini steel chair (aww, so cute!) and hit Kane with it!  Kane went NUTS and gave Bryan and Punk THREE double chokeslams for the win!  Then he said "at No Way Out it will be the three of us...in a triple threat CHAIR ON A POLE MATCH!  HA HA HA!"

Backstage, Santino stole a slice of Ricardo Rodriguez's pizza and a wacky chase begun!

The Miz versus Brodus Clay again - Before the match The Miz declared "if I can't beat Brodus Clay tonight I am LEAVING the WWE FOREVER to film The Marine 3 as GI Joe has been pushed back a year and this means The Marine 3 can be the big summer blockbuster!  Don't worry, we can get it finished in a month!"  But then Brodus LAY DOWN to let The Miz pin him as he didn't want The Marine 3 to ever get made!  But then Miz gave Brodus a knee to the balls for the DQ because he REALLY WANTS to become the Mizrine!  Then Cameron and Naomi sang the "na na na goodbye" song like SOUL SINGERS would and Miz moonwalked up the stage and saluted the fans like a marine and some people actually cheered and some even cried as they realised him much they will miss The Miz.

Backstage Vince McMahon told The Miz that Drew McIntyre was going to be The Marine (The McMarine!) instead and Miz was going to FCW.

John Cena with one hand tied behind his back versus Lord Tensai - Big Johnny came out with handcuffs and ORDERED Cena to handcuff one hand behind his back.  Cena then grabbed JOHNNY'S hand and handcuffed it to Cena's hand with Cena's back facing Johnny!  Then Cena said "that's right, you said I had to have one hand hancuffed behind my back...but you never said WHOSE hand!  I obeyed the letter of the law, sucker!"  Then Lord Tensai spat mist on his own hand (he stole this from Japanese legend Giant Baby by the way!) and went for the claw on Cena but Cena DUCKED and PULLED Big Johnny into the claw using the handcuffs and Big Johnny tapped out right away!  But then Lilian announced "as Big Johnny was handcuffed to John Cena he therefore counts as a part of Cena's body and therefore the winner by tapout...LORD TENSAI!" to keep Lord Tensai's important winning streak going!

Next it was time for Smackdown!  John Laughingninetits came out to open the show (NOT selling the claw!) and said "Tonight was supposed to see an obvious main event of Randy Orton and Shameus verus Alberto Del Rio and Chris Jericho.  However this past week at a show in Brazil Chris Jericho disgraced himself by humping the Brazilain flag, farting on the Brazilian flag, humping the Brazilian flag again, smelling his own crotch and saying "smells like fart, baby!", and mistaking a real cop for a local indy wrestler dressed as a cop and attempting to give him a Codebreaker and falling on his ass.  What kind of a man would do that to a flag!?  As a result I have supsended Jericho for SIX MONTHS and his place will be taken by a mystery opponent tonight.  People Power!"

Backstage, Ricardo finally caught Santino (remember this will air days later so it will look Ricardo was chasing Santino for four days!) and said "eww, I don't want my pizza now!" and Santino said "how about you be my NEW TAG PARTNER instead?" and Ricardo said "okay!" and they hugged!

Santino and Ricardo versus Darren Young and Titus O'Neil - Santino and Ricardo beat the promising young team in two minuts with their finisher which is Santino hitting the Cobra at the same time as Ricardo hits a wedgie!  Then after the match Ricardo looked at Santino's ass and WINKED to the fans and this is the start of a new gay angle that will finally get the WWE another GLAAD award like Billy and Chuck did!

Aksanka and Antonio came out and Aksanka said "haha, I love money and sex!  And with Teddy Long the only thing of his I SUCKED...was money out of his wallet!  Haha!"  Then Teddy interrupted and said "you konw what I'm sick of this crap, I went out and found me a HERO to take out Antonio for me!" and the Hurricane's old music played and CHRIS HERO came out dressed as a super hiro (mask, cape, underpants over his tights!)  This new character is because Vince finally saw the Christopher Reeve Superman and thinks superheros are cool now!  Hero hit a roaring elbow RIGHT AWAY to pin Antonio!  Then Teddy said "Haha, looks like you have no one to buy you crotchless panties now, Aksanka!"  But then Aksanka said "Ooooh, you are MY hero, Chris!" and he smiled and gave Teddy a roaring eblow and Aksanka stood on Teddy's back to reach Chris Hero's mouth and make out with him!

Next up LAYLA came out to the ring to the biggest pop yet!  Layla said "Cheerio!  You know what I've beaten every Diva now and maybe all the other Divas SUCK except for me!"  This was the very start of her coming HEEL TURN but the fans cheered anyway becuase it's true...until MAXINE (WITH crown as this show airs after NXT!) came out and said "not QUITE every Diva!"  Then Layla said "oh come on, Maxine, you might be Queen of NXT but I'm English and I know a thing or two about Queens and I am the REAL QUEEN of arse-kicking!"  THen Maxine said "stop that, don't be nasty to me, that's bad KARMA for you!"  Then Layla looked around scared and said "Karma?  WHERE!"  Then Maxine giggled (and it was a sexy giggle!) and said "not here anyway, creative has nothing for her!"  Then Layla and Maxine both started laughing together!  But when Maxine turned her back, Layla grabbed her hair (A HEEL MOVE) and gave her the LAYOUT and said "let that be a warning to you, missy!"  And this left the fans confused, not just because of Layla's heelish tendencies but also because Maxine might actually be HOTTER than Layla and I could see men all around me trying to work out who was hotter, doing masturwank mathematics in their heads to calculate who they should cheer!

Damien Shadow versus Alex Riley - Damien won in eight seconds with his move then said "only an EDUCATED MAN could defeat a speciman such as I!" and Booker T stood up and said "I'd like to test that theory, SUCKAAAAAA!"  So that's another match for No Way Out!

Backstage CM Punk was hanging out with AJ and he said "boy, I'm still hurting from all those chokeslams, I could do with a massage right now!" and AJ said "close your eyes and you'll get a BIG surprise!" so Punk closed his eyes and then there was a close up on his face as he said "oooh, ooooooooh yeah, that feels soooooo good, what a sensual massage!" and was making sex faces...but then the camera pulled back to show THE GREAT KHALI was the one giving the massage as AJ stood to the side smiling!

Big Show versus Zach Ryder - Ryder grabbed the mic and said "Big Bro, I know you aren't really evil, I think big Johnny HYPNOTISED you into punching Cena!  You can prove you're not hypnotised by NOT punching my annoying face right now!"  Then Big Show punched his annoying face.

Before the MAIN EVENT Big Johnny came out and said "and here is the mystery man...SIN CARA!"  Sin Cara came out and but right away CODY RHODES (with new GREEN boots) jumped off the Titan Tron giving him a Disaster Kick!  Then Cody took Sin Cara's mask and said "I AM the new Sin Cara because I will make people pay for their SINS and I don't CARE-A about anyone!"

Randy Orton and Shameus versus Alberto Del Rio and Cody "Sin Cara" Rhodes - They had a NORMAL MATCH until TED DEBIASE ran in wearing Cody's old face mask for some reason and headbutted Orton and said "LEGACY is back!"  Then Cody said "no it's not!" and they started fighting.  Then Del Rio pinned a distracted Sheamus with the BACKSTABBER!  Should be a great No Way Out!

Can't wait to see it all again on tv!

I'll never ever ever be back ever again with more Hot Newz, bye forever see you then!

TAZZ TO RETURN TO WWE FOR "WHO'S THE WORST ANNOUNCER EVER?" BATTLE WITH BOOKER T!?  ROH, DRAGON GATE USA AND EVOLVE MERGE INTO ONE PROMOTION, FOUR PEOPLE NOTICE?  JERICHO OFFERS TO MAKE IT UP TO BRAZIL WITH A FREE FOZZY CONCERT, THEY BAN HIM FROM EVER RETURNING?  LESNAR SET FOR SHOCKING NFL RETURN?  I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT TNA AS IT'S SO AWFUL THAT I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT IN A YEAR?  PLUS HOT PICS OF SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S ASS FROM THAT TIME SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GUEST HOST RAW TO PROMOTE THE AVENGERS BUT WALKED OUT AFTER READING THE SCRIPT AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

WrestleMania Newz!

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania is JUST around the corner! It's going to be the best WrestleMania ever thanks to the two big matches between Rock and Cena and Undertaker and Triple H! There's other matches too but no one cares about them! In a GROUNDBREAKING MOVE I have decided to 100% accurately spoil not only Wrestlemania BUT ALSO the final RAW before Wrestlemania! AFTER SOME HOT NEWZ!

Vince Russo is finally gone from TNA! TNA actually stopped using Russo's storylines a year ago and didn't tell him (he doesn't watch Impact because he's in Church at the time it's on pretending to be a Christian as part of a scheme not to be sent to Hell for writing so much bad wrestling!), so he just kept writing them and sending them to the office where Dixie would hand them to Borash to throw them in the bin (Dixie can't throw, she's a girl!) However someone then realised that this was a watse of paper so they fired Russo six months ago! But Vince's EGO couldn't accept this so he kept showing up for work every day anyway and even after they changed the locks he'd get in by the air vents then call his secretary and say "if Dixie wants me tell her I'M IN MY OFFICE!" When his secretary pointed out that he stole this from Seinfeld, Russo said "no, he stole it from me! He used to come into my video store! He rented Superman every week! That sounds plausible!" TNA finally got rid of him for good by filling his office with concrete!

WWE has NOT signed Albert/A-Train/Old Eight And Three Eighths/The Hip Hop Hippo/Giant Barney to a new contract! Meltzer THOUGHT they had because someone called him up and said "they have!" but this was just a plan to SWERVE him and bring down the Wrestling Observer! John Lauranicetits' bodyguard will instead by SNITSKY in a mask with fake Japanese tattoos and BACK HAIR grafted onto his back to make him look like Albert! And instead of saying "it wasn't my fault!" he will say "RRRRRRR, I'M GONNA KILL YA!"

Thousands of people have emailed and tweeted me (some even wrote letters but they didn't get to me because they don't know my address and just wrote "HOT NEWZ, COOL TOWN" on the envelope!) asking just how Hell In The Cell is going to work at WrestleMania as it's an outdoor arena and they won't have a roof to hang the cell from and cells can't just float above the ring with no roof! Well ask no more, because I have the askwer (answer) right here! The Cell will actually RISE UP around the ring from UNDER the arena! This means it won't have a roof on it...but no one was excpecting two fat 50 year old men to climb onto the roof anyway!

Ric Flair WILL appear when the Four Horsemen are inducted into the Hall Of Fame! Flair called up Dixie Carter and said "Woooo, can I appear at the Hall Of Fame or not, woooo!" and Dixie said "NO, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to appear at the Hall of Fame!" and Flair said "Wooo, sorry, didn't catch that, my phone's breaking up, got to go, woooo!" then dropped his phone and gave it an elbow drop! Flair will make a speech saying "wooo, it's not just us four in the Hall Of Fame, it's ALL the horsemen, INCLUDING that one whose name we can't mention, you know the one...Paul Roma, you're in too, champ! Wooo!"

And now it's time for my look at the final RAW before WrestleMania! The script was FAXED to me accidentally because I bought a fax machine that used to belong to STEPHANIE MCMAHON! And yes, I HAVE rubbed myself up against it, thanks for asking!

The show starts with VINCE MCMAHON strutting down to the ring in his smoking jacket! Vince says "you can't have a WrestleMania season without the boss! That's why this Sunday, I'm going to..." before he can finish there's the SOUND OF GLASS and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out! And Austin says "Vince you MEALY MOUTHED BASTARD, it's actually OLD STONE COLD that they can't have WrestleMania wihtout! And Cena and Rock, you two are having a match on Sunday, but maybe next year OLD STONE COLD will have a match with one of you or maybe with CM Punk depending on what the bookers decide! And by the way, I've had enough of you two singing like a couple of GIRLS so you better get physical tonight or OLD STONE COLD will get physical with your asses!" But before he can leave, ANDY FROM TOUIGH ENOUGH (remember him!?) comes out and says "you know what, it's been a year since you slapped me, Vince, and you stunned me, Steve, and I still haven't been on tv because creative has nothing for me! Well a year's long enough I think, so what have you got for me?" Then Austin and Vince look at each other and SMILE and this time AUSTIN slaps Andy and then he turns round and VINCE gives him a stunner and TEARS HIS PANTS on the way down but he still smiles and says "usually I tear my pants looking at the Divas (from the massive erection I get)!" and he and Austin hug! Then Andy is never seen again.

R-Truth versus Dolph Ziggler - Before the match, Teddy Long grabs the mic and says "uhh, I still need three more guys for my team at WrestleMania!" Then Great Khali, Brotus Clay AND THE RETURNING HUSKY HARRIS (now a fun-loving firefighter!) come out and say "we'll be on your team, as long as you follow the fire safety codes!" (Husky does the talking!) R-Truth hits the Alarm Clock (remember that!) on Ziggler and he does a crazy upside downn flip bump then Truth hits the Little Jimmy and Ziggler does a wacky downside up flop bump and Truth gets the three (match time: twenty seconds.) Then John Lauranicetits hits Truth with a clothesline to bigtime heel heat! Then Teddy is going to take out John but AKSANA tells him not to then she SPEARS John right in the crotch! Aksana says "in Soviet Russia, woman spear YOU!"

Vince McMahon is backstage and MICK FOLEY approaches him (with notepad!) and says "great to see you, big guy! Haha, remember how I always call you big guy? I do! Anyway, I was just thinking we can't have a WrestleMania without me putting some young kid over, so I sketched out a storyline for how I could interfere in the Cena/Rock match and put a young kid over, I think the fans would really dig it, what do you say?" And Vince says "I'll think about!" then ROLLS HIS EYES to the camera.

CM Punk versus Kane - Punk kicks Kane's ass (with kicks!) for a full thirty seconds before CHRIS JERICHO appears at the top of the stage and Kane instantly chokeslams Punk FROM BEHIND and gets the pin! Then Kane says "Randy, this Sunday, you'll be the one choekslammed from behind after a distraction" to further build up the bitter and deeply personal feud between them! Jericho then cuts a promo. "Punk, you were right, I was wrong to go after your alcoholic father and your druggie sister who gives handjobs for cocaine sticks! So I won't say anything about them again. YOUR SLUT MOTHER, on the other hand..." Then a woman dressed as Punk's mother (she's wearing a dress with the Pepsi logo on it!) comes out and MAKES OUT with Jericho! Jericho says "now I understand why you don't respect women and call all the Divas "douches" after sleeping with them!" in a clever insdier reference that will get people talking. Punk says "MOM, NO!" and runs up the stage to stop them but Suddenly his Mom KICKS PUNK IN THE BALLS! Then Jericho gives Punk a realy sloppy Go To Sleep and his mom pulls her wig off and it's LITA and she says "I'm not your mom but we do have one thing in common: you've been inside both of us! After you dumped me you told me to get back with Matt Hardy and smirked! You deserve this!" and gives him a Litasault off the top of the Titan Tron!

MARIA MENSTRUALOUS comes out to the ring looking ANGRY (and hot!) and says "You know what, I'm on the WrestleMania card but the whole feud's been played out on the internet and I'm SICK of that CRAP! We all know the only reason I'm not being booked on RAW is because I'm blatantly hotter than all the Divas (with the obvious except of Layla and possibly Maria Kanellis but she's in ROH now and no one watches that) and I'll show them up! But I'm not just hotter, I'm a better fighter too and I challenge ANY Diva to come out here and take me one! Then THE BELLA TWINS run out but Maria EASILY takes them both out with one-legged monkey flips like Ken and Ryu do in Street Fighter and William Shatner did to Jeff Jarrett! Then more Divas come out like Alicia Fox (now a heel again!), Maxine (not as hot as people say!), Eve and Natty but Maria just keeps taking them all out with her patented move until finally BETH PHOENIX blocks the monkey flip by TICKLING Maria under the knee then grabs her for the Glam Slam but before she can do it a HOT NINJA Divas in a mask runs in and LAYS OUT (hmm) Beth with the LAY OUT (HMM!) and who could this ninja Divas be!? Lawler says "Hey, remember when DX Tori was a ninja? This girl has a really nice ass...so it can't be DX Tori!"

Backstage, Zack Ryder is talking to someone (we can't see their face but we ASSUME it's Cena.) "Broski, I'm happy that we have put our differences aside and are best friends again! Now I can tell you that I've long had a dream of being in the main even of WrestleMania. It's just a shame I can't be inolved in the main event this Sunday. Oh well. It's also a shame that we couldn't have put our differences aside and become best friends again this Sunday in the main event of WrestleMania. Gee golly, I wish those two things could come true!" Then Ryder starts crying. Then he sais "Anyway, I have a date with Eve now, talk to you later broski!" and walks away and the camera PANS UP to reveal that he was talking to a CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF CENA! Then Horsnwoggle GORES the cardboard Cena for no reason.

Also backstage, Cody Rhodes is talking on the phone to SOMEBODY and says "haha, this Sunday, you and the Big Show will be reunited and the GLOVES will come OFF, haha, talk to you soon, MONEY!" Then he SHADOW BOXES and who was he talking to!?

Shameus versus Jack Swagger - Shameus wins in six seconds with the Rogue Kick! But before he can celebrate, DANIEL BRYAN hits him in the back with a chair seventeen times to build heat for their WrestleMania match! Then Bryan says "looks like you won't be beating me in five seconds in a foregone conclusion like everyone thought!" AJ hands Bryan a VEGAN HAMBURGER (it's made out of raddish) and he EATS it standing over Sheamus and he eats REALLY NOISILY and lets parts of the burger fall out of his mouth and onto Shameus in a shocking act and Cole says "damn it, even I think he's gone too far now!"

Randy Orton versus Mark Henry - Orton wins in thirty two seconds with the RKO then Henry says "this Sunday will be my LAST MATCH!" since he's leaving wrestling forever yep it's true so long Mark!

THE ROCK comes out and says "Cena, Old Stone Cold was exactly right. You and I, we got to get physical, brother. And not the way you get physical with Zack Ryder at night! Haha, I'm just kidding, it's okay for me to be homophobic, I played a gay in some awful movie. Cena, you, me, this ring...ARM WRESTLING!" and pulls an ARM WRESTLING table out from under the ring! Cena comes out and and SMIRKS and GIGGLES at the Rock and says "I ain't ascared of you, homedog! You ain't got my stones, my nuts, my testicles or my kahonies! You left wrestling instead of sticking around until it destroyed your body and life, you're a coward! You make FAKE MOVIES but on Sunday it'll be FOR REAL when I whip your ass with my blood, sweat and tears!" Then does a goofy grin. Then Rock says "So, umm, are we doing this arm wrestling shit or not?" and Cena says "oh, right, sorry, yeah, let's go!" But before they can start, THE MIZ comes out and say "look, this is pathetic, I should be in WrestleMania, so how about we turn it into a triple threat match!" Rock says "remember Austin said he wanted us to get physical? LET'S DO IT!" and gives Miz a Rock Bottom through the arm wrestling table! But Cena then pulls ANOTHER arm wrestling table out from under the ring and gives Miz a FU through it! Then Rock and Cena give Miz a COMBINED People's Elbow/Five Knuckle Shuffle which looks so cool that they SHAKE HANDS after and are friends heading into Sunday! Then Austin is shown GLARING at a monitor backstage and says "THAT...was...EXACTLY what I wanted!" and smiles! Then Vince McMahon walks by and says "The Miz? YOU'RE THE FIRRRRRRRRRED!"

Now it's time for the REAL main event as we got LIVE to Shawn Michaels' home via saturnlitte! HBK is watching the video Undertaker saying he's better than Triple with a PERVY GRIN on his face and he keeps rewinding it and watching it back again and again! Then Nitro Girl Whysper walks in and says "Shawn, you've been watching that all week, please eat something and get some sleep!" But Shawn says nothing until suddenly all the lights in his home go out! And when they come back on TRIPLE H is holding Whysper in the pedigree position and Shawn says "what!" and goes to Superkick Triple H but the lights go out again and when they come back, Whysper is fine and Triple H is tied to a chair with his mouth taped shut! Then THE UNDERTAKER appears on the tv Shawn had just been watching and says "Shawn, this Sunday, I know you'll do the right thing. Otherwise the next time I come to your home I'll burn it down like I did to my own house when I murdered my parents. REST IN PEACE!" Then Shawn rips the tape off HHH's mouth and Hunter says "you and Taker are in cahoots, this proves it!" And Shawn drops down to his knees and puts his head in his hands crying and screaming "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

Back to the arena, THE MIZ is now outside sitting in the garbage with a homeless man since he lost his job, holding a sign that says "will job for food"! Homeless Man says "I've got a JOB you can do me for food, heh heh heh..." and starts to remove his pants but then stops and says "oh wait, there's Punk's druggie sister, I'll get one from her!" and runs off! Miz starts crying and climbs into a trashcan to get some sleep but then says "hmm, what's this?" and pulls the HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT out of the garbage. And it's all dirty and has a used condom stuck to it but it's definitely the real thing! And Miz looks at it and says "HMMMM..."

What does this mean for WrestleMania!? Find out RIGHT NOW in my exclusive WrestleMania spoilers!

The show starts with Lilian Garcia singing the national anthem while footage of soldiers and tanks and guns is displayed to terrify foreign viewers!

CM Punk versus Chris Jericho - It's actually a GOOD THING that this match is opening the show as it means they'll get some time and it won't be cut down to under a minute like two other matches inevitably will! Punk and Jericho recreate Randy Savage/Ricky Steamboat from WrestleMania 3 MOVE FOR MOVE until the finish which they can't recreate since both Miss Elizabeth and George The Animal Steele are dead (I assume!) So instead Jericho hits the Codebreaker and SEEMINGLY wins clean(!?) But after Jericho walks all the way up to the top of the ramp he SMILES and pulls down his KNEEPAD to reveal a sheet of STEEL wrapped around the knee he uses for the codebreaker! Then he runs back down the aisle and pours a bottle (with a giant lable reading "ALCOHOL" on it!) of liquid down Punk's throat. When Punk wakes up he staggers around the ring DRUNK but then says he's got a TASTE for it now and invites Jerry Lawler out for a drink with him (Lawler is a non-drinker and is outraged!) But then Jeircho comes back out AGAIN and says "by the way, jackclown, that was NON-ALCOHOLIC!" and Punk just looks embarrassed and confused.

Cody Rhodes versus The Big Show - Before the match, Rhodes is shown talking to a MYSTERY FIGURE wearing BOXING GLOVES and says "that's right, I'll play you in BLING, haha!" to him. Big Show beats him up for OVER A MINUTE (it's not one of those cutdown matches!) until he hits the Big Punch after 90 seconds! But before he can make the cover, AKEBONO(~!) pulls the referee out then PUNCHES Show wearing boxing gloves and says "I've been boxing in Japan lately and got addicted to bling!" to explain! So Cody wins. But after the match Big Show chokeslams Cody then chokeslams Akebono onto Cody's FACE and Cody screams in agony and when he's next seen he has the face protector back and he's talking in that stupid voice again because this angle was such a big hit last year!

Five minute video package about Team Teddy versus Team Johnny.

Team Teddy versus Team Johnny - All the faces each tag in and hit the move! The heels get the heat on Zach Ryder (who else!) and each hit a move! Santino gets the hot tag and each heel with the Cobra! VICKI tries to hit Santino with her shoe! Aksana blocks it and grabs the shoe but then hits Santino with it herself! Team Johnny win! Match Time: 59 seconds (yes it's one of those!) Then Aksana says "haha, when I spear Johnny on RAW, I was running to his crotch because I give him many big job blows!" Then Ron Simmons comes out and gives Aksana a spinebuster (man on woman violence is okay at WrestleMania!) and says "DAMN! Let's get you to a whorehouse, Teddy!" and the whole angle is forgotten! And Mark Henry isn't shown on camera again after taking the cobra so Santino claims he ended Henry's career with it and there's nothing the smarks can do to change it!

Randy Orton versus Kane - Kane appears behind Randy and goes to chokeslam him in a reference to his match with Chavo at WrestleMania 24! But Orton reverses in mid air to a RKO in a reference to his match with Undertaker at WrestleMania 21 and gets the win in four seconds (one of those matches!) Then Kane says "you know what? I QUIT!" in a reference to JBL quitting after his match with Rey at WrestleMania 25! And also because he's quit and will never be seen again just like Mark Henry bye Kane!

One minutes video package about Daniel Bryan versus Shameus (there really isn't much to show except the seventeen chairshots!)

Daniel Bryan versus Shameus - Shameus comes out SELLING the seventeen chairshots he took on RAW so Bryan gets to DOMINATE him for two minutes with kicks! But then Shameus powers out of the LaBell lock and hits the Rogue Kick, The Celtic Cross AND the Irish Curse to get the win! Bryan blames AJ for the loss somehow and is about to SHOVE HER (someone freaked out backstage after Ron Simmons give Aksana a spinebuster) when suddnely KATELYN jumpst he barricade the bodyslams Bryan! Then Katelyn and AJ stare at each other then MAKE OUT in a modern day reference to Savage and Elizabeth at WrestleMania 7 (and because it's hot!) This sets up Bryan forming a team with Derrick Bateman and Johnny Curtis and DOMINATING NXT for a whole year as Vince has decided this is the best use for him!

Ten minute video package for Undertaker versus Triple H.

Twenty minutes of setting the Hell In The Cell up!

The Undertaker versus Triple H Hell In A Cell - As all the matches so far have run short this can last a full FIFTY MINUTES! Before the match, MOTORHEAD repel from the ceiling (but there is no ceiling!?) like The Brood at WrestleMania 15 and land on the roof of the cell (WWE changed their mind and put a roof on just for this spot, adding another ten minutes of ppv to the cell's construction!) and play their version of "Time To Play The Game" which is just Lemmy repeating "Time To Pay The Game It's All About Paying The Game Die Like A Fool!" for five minutes because those are the only words he can remember! Anyway, this match is REALLY LONG and not only do they each hit each other with each other's moves four times, Triple H also puts on a figure four for five minutes just because he's ordered Cole to say "The Game does that figure four even better than Ric Flair himself!" at that point! Then finally they're fighting outside the cell when Shawn Michaels remembers he's CONFLICTED about this match for some reason and acts like he's going to superkick HHH but changes his mind, then acts like he's going to superkick The Undertaker but changes his mind then superkicks THE CELL in frustration! And his foot gets stuck! At that EXACT MOMENT Triple H hits the pedigree in the ring and CLAERLY has the match won but there's no HBK! Then Undertaker recovers and htis the tombstone and RIGHT AWAY Shawn's foot comes free from the cell and he counts the three! THis sets up a rematc in a BURIED ALIVE match next year where Shawn has the burying shovel but who will he use it on!?

Seven minute video package for the Divas tag.

Kelly Kelly and Maria Mariogalaxyous versus Beth Phoenix and Eva Torres - This lasts a full ten minutes to give the fans vaule for money! Maria works the whole match since she's so great and hot and pins Beth (can't have Eve doing a job!) with a TIGER DRIVE 91~! But then Kelly Kelly TURNS HEEL on Maria with a fiendish Kelly Kutter and Beth and Eva join her in beating Maria down until THE NINJA DIVA makes the save with EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS (HMMM!) then pools her mask off and it's LAYLA and she says "cheerio, pip pip, I'm back and your arses belong to me!" This sets up Layla against ALL THE OTHER DIVAS (they're all heel now!) for the rest of the year and at Extreme Rules Layla and Maria will take on all the other Divas in a TRIPLE DECK CAGE MATCH like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage did against the Dungeon of Doom this time and it'll be even more awesome than that great match was!

Fifteen minute video package for Rock versus Cena.

The Rock versus John Cena - They have a GREAT MATCH with no tricks for twenty minutes until EVE runs in and says "listen, I need to be with a REAL MAN and you two are the only real men in wrestling!" and goes to make out with Cena but he says "hey, my wife's watching, THANKS TO THE ROCK!" and Rock laughs and says "more pie for me!" and makes out with Eve! But then ZACK RYDER runs out and says "what are you doing broski that's my girlfriendski, DIE FOR THIS" and gives The Rock the Rough Ryder! Then Eve SLAPS Zach and says "I faked every orgasm!" and Zack says "we never even had sex!" and Eve says "oh, right, that was with Punk...well I still hate you!" and Ryder goes to give Eve the Rough Ryder but she ducks and he hits Cena! So Cena gives him an FU over the top rope and through two tables! Then Cena is about to kiss even when she ducks and he kisses THE ROCK and it's funny and they all laugh! But then THE MIZ comes out with another referee and the Hardcore title and says "this is no laughing matter! Remember, 24/7 rules are STILL IN EFFECT so I'm out here now to wrestle in the main event of WrestleMania for the hardcore title! Just try to beat me!" Then Rock and Cena smile and give Miz a COMBINED Rock Bottom and FU (it'll make sense once you see it!) and Eve gives him the Evesault to finish him off! Then Cena has an idea and drags ZACH RYDER's destroyed body into the ring and places him on top of Miz and Ryder wins the hardcore title in the main event of WrestleMania just like he's always dream of! Then MICK FOLEY (with notepad!) appears at the top of the ramp and takes a few steps towards the ring before VINCE MAMHON runs in front of him and just shakes his head "no" and Foley looks sad and turns back around and walks backstage, a single tear sliding down his face. And since they're friends now, Rock goes to MUSS UP CENA'S HAIR but when he's standing in the mussing position Cena turns it into a back suplex and the TWO REFEREES (remember Miz brought one out!) both count a different set of shoulders down and the match is declared A DRAW! Then Rock laughs and says "well, I'm off to film Journey 3: This One's On The Moon now, see y'all next year for the rematch!" and walks away. Then Eve rolls up Ryder to win the hardcore title.

Should be a great WrestleMania! Back soon with more Hot Nez, until then follow me on twitter, eat your vitamins and masturwank like crizzazy!

EVAN BOURNE'S LATEST INJURY JUST A WORK SO HE CAN GET HIS RELEASE AND GO TO TNA WHERE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SMOKE POT (THEY EMPLOYED RVD, PAUL LONDON AND SPANKY AT THE SAME TIME, OF COURSE YOU ARE!), HAVE TENAY SAY "I KNOW WHO THAT IS!" AND TAZZ SAYS "I DON'T!", CHANGE HIS NAME TO ETHAN "HIGH" AIR, CHANGE HIS FINISHER TO THE "HIGH TIMES", APPEAR ON THE COVER OF HIGH TIMES MAGAZINE, SAVE AJ STYLES FROM A BEATDOWN BY THE REFORMED TEAM 3D, TURN HEEL ON AJ IN HIS TAG MATCH DEBUT THE NEXT WEEK, INJURED HIS FOOT FOR REAL IN A PPV MATCH WITH AJ WHICH HE WINS AFTER VELVET SKY SPRAYS AJ WITH HAIR SPRAY FOR SOME REASON, DISAPPEAR FOR THREE WEEKS, RETURN WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING EVEN THOUGH HIS FOOT IS STILL LEGIT HURT, REFORM TAG TEAM WITH AJ WITH NO MENTION OF THEM BREAKING UP, WIN TAG TITLES FROM JOE AND MAGNUS THEN LOSE THEM TO THE RETURN JEFF JARRETT AND KEN SHAMROCK ON THE SAME NIGHT, TURN HEEL BY SHOUTING AT SO CAL VAL BACKSTAGE AFTERWARDS, TRY TO BRING IN KIDMAN AS THE "MASTER OF THE SHOOTING STAR PRESS" BUT THEN REMEMBERS KIDMAN'S IN WWE SO BRINGS BACK PAUL LONDON INSTEAD BUT LONDON DOENS'T SHOW UP BECAUSE HE'S GETTING HIGH WITH SPANKY SO ETHAN "HIGH" AIR IS SHOVE INTO A FEUD WITH ROBBIE T INSTEAD, LOSE TO KAZARIAN ON EXPLOSION THEN BE REALEASED? PLUS FALSE PROMISES OF NUDITY AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

Royal Rumbler 2012

OMG I am finally back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that 2012 is here! Scientists have PROVED beyond a shadow of a doubt that the world will END on December 28th 2012 when the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs RETURNS for humanity! You can't argue with that, it's a known fact! But at least that means we'll have one more great year of wrestling before then! Because it's the last year on Earth (we'll all hang out in Heaven, don't worry!) I think the wrestling companies will make it the BEST year of wrestling ever! As always the years starts with the ROYAL RUMBLE at the end of January and here are the FULL RESULTS I obtained by hacking John Lauranicetits' email!

CM Punk versus Dolph Ziggler - They have a NORMAL MATCH and Punk hits his Randy Savage elbow even though it looks shit and is an insult to Savage's memory! Then a MASKED MAN runs in and lifts Punk up onto his shoulders and Punk looks confused! Then suddenly JOHN LALANIGHTUS comes off the top rope with a clothesline on Punk and Punk is KNOCKED OUT! Then John pulls his sleeve up to reveal a STEEL sleeve underneth! Then the masked man rips his mask off and he has ANOTHER mask underneath! Then he rips THAT mask off and he's ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL! Then Animal, John and Ziggle destroy Punk until Lillian announces that Punk wins by DQ and Ziggler says "you screwed me out of the title!" and gives the Lananicenips brothers Zig Zags to big pops! This sets up Punk and Ziggler verus the Dude Warriors in the opening match at Wrestlemania!

Daniel Bryan versus Big Show versus Mark Henry in a steel cage match - Since Big Show and Mark Henry are both fat and injured they just do a really long lockup while Bryna stands there. Then after two minutes of the lockup, AJ climbs up to the top of the cage and dives off right into the ring landing face first! Then Cole says "she's killed herself rather than date that loser nerd Daniel Bryan!2 The match is stopped because of AJ's suicide attempt, naturally!

Backstage, Bryan looks all concerned as AJ lies motionaless on a bed but then he starts LAUHING and AJ LAUGHS too! Then Bryan says "those DRUGS you gave AJ to make her bones go soft so they wouldn't break and she'd be unharmed really worked...DOCTOR CULT!" We then see COLT COBANA wearing a doctor's coat and smiling EVILY as the new character DOCTOR CULT who will never wrestle but WILL get heels out of matches! Dr Cult says "my pleasure, hahaha!" BUT THEN Teddy Long comes out from behind a potted plant and says "hold on a minute, playa! That sounds like a WELLNESS POLICY violation to me, taking bone-softening drugs! That's why at Elimination Chamber, Daniel Bryan will defend the title inside the chamber and AJ will be LOCKED inside a SMALL CHAMBER which will be on top of the BIGGER CHAMBER to make sure she doesn't interfere! Holla holla!"

John Cena versus Kane - Cena has Kane in the STF (I'm sure that won't look like shit!) when suddenly EVE TORRES comes out dressed as a SATANIC GOTH like Ariel! Then Kane SLIPS OUT of the STF by SLPPING OUT of his MASK! And underneath he's Kane! Then Eve goes to hit Cena with a SATANIC steel chair (it's red!) but Cena gets her up for the FU! Zach Ryder runs out before he can hit it and says "are you serious, bro, I'm the one who should give this satanic hussy what she deserves, WOO WOO WOO!" and Cena nods and puts her down. Then Zach runs at Eve like he's going to hit her but instead her SWERVES and runs at CENA instead and gives him the Rough Ryder and Kane pins Cena with one foot on his chest! Ryder says "you never visited me in the hospital, bro, and also Kane taught me that EVIL is amazeballs!" and goes backstage with Eve for SEX. Then Cena gives Kane a FU through the ring and shrugs.

ROYAL RUMBLE

BEFORE THE MATCH John Lauranaitis (I googled it!) comes out and says "even though this was originally going to be a thirty man royal rumble it will now be a FORTY man royal rumble to give the fans some extra BANG FOR THEIR BUCK and also because there's two hours left on the show and we need to fill the time. God bless us all!"

Number 1 is The Miz and he says "I'm going to do some Mizentary for a while!" and joins the announce team! Number 2 is the return of DEAN MALENKO who comes out to his James Bond music with Lita on one arm and Terri Runnels on the other (neither mentioned by name since they're both on one day contracts!) He grabs the mic and says "I'm back for ALL THE PUSSY, PG13 can go to HECK!" Number 3 is Brotus Clay who comes out to his "Funky On The Run" song with the Funkettes (actually in real life Flash Funk's hot daughters!) Dean says "All the ladies know I could beat you in a dance off AND a sex off, you fat waste!" and does the Malenko Shuffle! Then Brotus acts like he's going to dance but instead just gives Dean the Funk Of Humanity crossbody as at the same time the Funkettes give it to Lita and Terri! Then Dean ROLLS UNDER THE BOTTOM ROPE and just walks away in shame. Number 4 is Jay Uso and number 5 is Jack Uso (they come out together!) and they run out holding LEAD PIPES! The Usos say "Brodus Clay! You are a disgrace to DANCING WRESTLERS everywhere by being a big goof, our father Rikishi only danced to distract the fans from the truth that he was the one who ran over Austin! Now we're going to kick your ass RIKISHI STYLE!" But before they can, number 6 is Rikishi(!) who runs out and stops them and says "hold on a minute, kids, I might have tried to murder Steve Austin, but my true love was always dancing, and you crazy kids with your Ipads and Facebook seem to have forgotten that, so let's CUT A RUG to remind you of that!" And all four dance for two minuts! Number 7 is WILLIAM REGAL who comes out with LAYLA on his arm wearing an ENGLISH DRESS (that means it shows cleavage!) The four DANCING FOOLS laugh at Regal until he kicks and punches each of them with a different hand and foot then reveals he had brass knux on each hand and foot! He eliminates all four then makes out with Layla for the rest of the time! Could this be the start of the big main even Regal push!? Number 8 is Sheamus who throws out Regal right away. Number 9 is Hornswoggle who does and Irish KILT DANCE with Shameus! Number 10 is R-Truth who just stands outside the ring doing unfunny Little Jimmy material ("Little Jimmy don't like cats...because they AIN'T DOGS! Little Jimmy DO like dogs...because they AIN'T CATS!") for two minutes!

Number 11 is JINDAR MIHAL who lasts FORTY MINUTES (spoiler) Miz then tries to sneak in and eliminate R-Truth but Truth backdrops him out after one second because Miz is a joke! Number 12 is Kofi Kingstone! Number 13 EVAN BOURNE'S music plays but John Lauranaitis comes out holding a BROWN ENVELOPE and says "unfortunately Doctor Cult just gave me some wellness policy results and it seems Eva Bourne has been smoking elephant dung to get high like a hippy so he's suspended for nine months and his replacement is a man who will never break the law...the head of Right To Censor Steven Richards!" And RTC are back at last! Steven gives Hornswoggle the Steven Kick to show how evil he is! Number 14 is PAPA SHANGO so Wade Barrett wasn't lying on his twitter! But he can't do vodoo because it's been made illegal since the nineties so he just eats worms to get a pop from people mistaking him for the Boogieman! Number 15 is Alex Riley and will he finally get out of his slump? No, he's a jobber, he's eliminated right away by Papa Shango. Number 16 is THE MODEL RICK MARTEL. Number 17 is THE RETURNING CHRISTIAN who has dyed his hair JET BLACK and is wearing NEON GREEN knee AND elbow pads and hits everyone in the ring with a SPINNING HEEL KICK! Number 18 is Jack Swagger and he and Christian INSTANTLY elimiante each other setting up a fed for WrestleMania but who's going to be the face and who the heel!? Number 19 is MASON RYAN who comes out MOONWALKING and then moonwalks right over to the announce table and SLAPS MICHAEL COLE then roars "YE KNOW WHAT YOU DID, LADDIE!" setting up a new MYSTERY storyline that will play out through the year and end with Vince McMahon revealing that HE was behind it all! Number 20 is Cody Rhodes and he eliminates Mason Ryan then NODS in Cole's direction in a mysterious way!

Numbers 21 to 29 are all jobbers like Tyson Kidd and Drew McIntyre just to fill up the ring because we ALL KNOW the Royal Rumble is more exciting when there's so many guys in there that we can't see what's happening and there's no room to move! Number 30 is Mick Foley who comes out with a notepad! Foley takes a mic and explains "bang bang! I'm just writing my next best seller right here! It's a book about the aborted storyline leading up to my return to the ring at the Royal Rumble! Did you know I suggested to Vince McMahon that I have a six month feud with Drew McIntyre and he rejected it? You will once you read this book! Right now I'm writing the chapter about the challengers of writing a chapter of a book about returning to the ring at the Royal Rumble while returning to the ring at the Royal Rumble while writing that same chapter! Haha! I know Kevin James!" Then he elimianted Drew McIntyre since that was the only part of his proposed storyline that Vince McMahon agreed with and this leads to a comedy bit on Smackdown when Drew asks Teddy Long for his job back but it's actually Foley in blackface and he says "You can't have your job BACK, but I can have Teddy's job BLACK, bang bang!"

Number 31 is Randy Orton who eliminated a load of people (Rick Martel!) Number 32 is Wade Barrett and Orton goes for the RKO right away and Barett shoves him off and Orton lands on his back and then Orton rolls out of the ring saying, "oww, I think I broke my back!" And right away an ambulance reverses down to the ring and the driver grabs Orton and drives away with him! Number 33 is Santino who instantly hides underneath the ring, the crazy goofball! Number 34 is JOHN CENA who eliminates exactly HALF of the people in the ring! Number 35 is KANE who comes up through a hole in the ring and eliminates exactly THE OTHER HALF of the people in the ring leaving it just Cena and Kane! And Cena gets the upper hand (OF COURSE!) until number 36 is Evil Zach Ryder making it two on one! But Cena still has the upper hand (OF COURSE) until SANTINO comes out from under the ring and he's been CORRUPTED by Kane's evil under there and he's now SATANTINO! And he puts the Cobra sock on and it now looks exactly like the serpant that tempted Adam and Eve in the Garden Of Eden! ANd all three eliminate Cena then laugh evily! Numbwer 37 is Jinder Mihal but Kane's evil army eliminates him right away and they seem unstoppable! NO ONE comes out for Number 38 and Cole says "I guess whoever it is was too scared!" and Booker says "MAYBE DAT'S IT...BUT MAYBE NOT!" Then for number 39 AMERICAN BADASS plays and THE UNDERTAKER is back on his bike and he finally wants revenge on Kane for burrying him alive at Bragging Rights two years ago! And he easily eliminates Satantino and Ryder and then he and Kane are TETTERING on the ropes when number 40 is CHRIS JERICHO who enters the ring JUST as Kane and Undertaker fall out and apparently WINS without touching anyone JUST AS everyone on the internet predicted! But then DEAN MALENKO (never eliminated remember!!!) runs back out and grabs Jericho by the HAIR and throws him out and says "that's revenge for our feud from 1998 that everyoen remembers!" But then BOOKER T gets in the ring and throws out Malenko and stares at his hand! He was number 40! But then Booker says "Man, I'm TOO DAMN OLD to win dis Rumble, I'm eliminating myself, peace out brahs!" and just steps over the top rope. So who has won!?

SUDDENLY the ambulance from before drives back out and crashes into the ring and RANDY ORTON pulls HEATH SLATER out who was the DRIVER because Slater was in CAHOOTS with Barrett all along! Orton gives Slater the RKO on top of the ambulance then throws him in the ring then thrwos him over the top and the bell rings then for some reason and Orton has won! Great Rumble!

Back soon with less Hot Newz!

THE HIGHLANDERS TO RETURN AND FEUD WITH WADE BARRETT IN CONTROVERSIAL "SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE" STORYLINE? RVD TO BE MYSTERY ENTRANT IN MONEY IN THE BANK MATCH AT WRESTLEMANIA AND GET HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE (HE CLIMBS A REALLY BIG LADDER THEN SMOKES POT AT THE TOP OF IT)? DAVEY RICHARDS TO SELL A MOVE FOR ONCE? KATELYN TO GET BUTT IMPLANTS? KURT ANGLE'S BROTHER ERIC TO TRY OUT FOR THE OLYMPICS INSTEAD OF KURT BUT THEN KURT WILL CLAIM IN A RADIO INTERVIEW THAT IT WAS ACTUALLY HIM AND WHEN THE HOST ASKS WHY HE DIDN'T QUALIFY HE'LL SAY SOMETHING VAGUE ABOUT "DARK FORCES" THEN DO A MOONSAULT? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF KELLY KELLY, SERIOUSLY, IF YOU CLICK THIS LINK THERE WILL BE HOT NAKED PICS OF KELLY KELLY, NO WORD OF A LIE, ACTUAL HOT NAKED PICS (UNLESS SOPA HAS HAD THEM DELETED!) AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!