26 fun wrestling facts to impress your friends!

OMG I am back with twenty six hot wrestlings FACTZ to impress your friends with!  You'll be the most popular person in your social group and all the chicks will want to sleep with you (unless you're a girl...except if you're a lesbian!) so you better read them fast before Jeremy McVittie gets them taken down!

- Goldberg invented the Jackhammer by accident!  He was trying to give Hugh Morrus a suplex when he slipped on a soda a fan had thrown into the ring during a twenty minute Hollywood Hogan promo!  He nearly killed Hugh Morrus but nobody cared because it was Hugh Morrus.

- The first ever "I'd rather be in Chyna" sign was actually held be a dyslexic Chinese tourist who was being forced to attend WWF shows against his will!

- The reason samoan wrestlers have such hard heads is due to an ancient samoan tradition!  That tradition is that Roddy Piper visits all samoan children when they're one year old and hits them in the skull with a coconut, to make their still forming skull bones go super tough!  Unfortunately this tradition was outlawed because it was seen as child abuse and because Roddy Piper is dead so expect upcoming samoan wrestlers to have weak skulls!

- Paige was born in a fish and chips shop as her mother didn't want to leave until she'd finished eating her deep fried blood pudding!

- Road Dogg Jesse James came up with his name after he drove by a dead dog on the road!

- The Rock learned how to be a great actor by having to pretend to like Mick Foley for years!

- Contary to rumours, Scott Steiner NEVER injected himself with steroids.  He had Rick do it for him!

- Scott Steiner invented the Frankensteiner after he tried to leapfrog a jobber but didn't get all the way over and the jobber's head got stuck in his crotch with Scott still in mid air!  Scared that people would think he was gay, Scott quickly closed his mighty thighs around the jobber's neck and flipped him over on the top of his head in an attempt to kill him to prove he wasn't gay!

- The segments of Khaleesi Tape Cesaro wears are actually giant nicotine patches as he's trying to quit smoking!

- The reason why the Stone Cold Stunner that Steve Austing gave Donald Trump that one year at WrestleMania looked so bad was because it was actually as shoot stunner!  Stone Cold had a vision of the future and saw that Trump would one day be president so instinctively stunned him on the spot to kill him!  The bump Trump took is actually the SHOOT bump anyone would take when hit by a shoot stunner!  But Trump didn't die because Lashley performed CPR on him off camera.

- "Jeff Jarrett: The Man You Hate To Love To Hate" is the greatest wrestling sign of all time!

- Santino Marella got the idea to become a pro wrestler after eating at the Hulk Hogan's Pastamania world headquarters in Italy!

- The reason why the WWE never attempted to take over UK wrestling before is because Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks threatened to squash Vince McMahon between their bellies if he ever tried it!  But someone told Vince last month that they'd both died so he said "TAKE OVER THE UK NOW, PAL!"

- Raven and Tommy Dreamer really did go to summer camp together, but they didn't fight over Beulah...they actually fought over Stevie Richards as all three were going through a "gay period" at the time!

- Hulk Hogan will make a surprise appearance at WrestleMania with his daughter Brooke!  Hogan and Brooke will come to the ring and she'll parade around in a bikini while Hogan smiles and sometimes rubs her back!  TITUS O'NIEL will then interrupt and say "hey, Hogan, can I date your daughter!" and Hogan will say "no, Jack, but not because you're black, dude, but because NO ONE is good enough for my daughter but me, BROTHER!" and rip his shirt off (it's a pre-cut shirt) and gives Titus three big punches (he can't do the big boot or legdrop anymore) to send him packing!  New Day will then come out and start dancing with Brooke and Hogan will even dance too to prove he isn't racist!  But when Big E tries to bump and grind with Brooke and Xavier starts filming her on his phone, Hogan will grab her arm and say "uhh, we got a plane to catch, chap!" and run away with her quickly and then a minute later you'll see a private jet fly over the arena with "Hulk Hogan's Private Jet Paid For With Gawker Money" written on the side to prove he wasn't lying!

- The reason Vince won't push Cesaro is because his buddy Trump keeps telling him about the "bad incidents" going down in Sweden every night so Vince thinks Cesaro might be a terrorist sympathiser!  (He also thinks Cesaro is Swedish.)

- If you ever see a blurred out sign held up on RAW while Roman Reigns is seemingly being cheered it no doubt reads "I'm actually booing Roman!"  Or it has a swear word.

- Giant Baby and Rikishidozen used to play Godzilla and Mothra in movies in Japan before they were wrestlers!  In one scene, Godizlla accidentally gave Mothra a BACKDROP DRIVER through a building and Japanese wrestling was invented!

- There were actually only twelve thousand fans at WrestleMania 3.  It just looked like more because it wans't in HD!

- Tom Philips can often be seen at the Performance Centre, sitting down in the corner of the ring, telling the female wrestlers he can show them the correct way to execute the Bronco Buster.

- The white powder in guitars that wrestlers like New Jack and the Honk Tonk Man (imagine if they were a tag team!) break over their opponent's heads ISN'T cocaine like YOU thought it was, it's actually special MUSICAL POWDER that makes the guitars sound better and only real musicians like me and New Jack and the Honky Tonnk Man know about it!

- Jack Gallagher is actually an albino black man!  But no one suspects it because of his English accent.

- Rusev has never watched Game of Thrones because it reminds him too much of life in Bulgaria!

- My top three most masturwanked over Trish Stratus moments: 1) When she turned heel on Jericho at WrestleMania 20!  2) When Mickie James grabbed her by the pizzussy at whatever WM that was!  3) When Lita whipped her with a leather belt while Trish was in her bra at Fully Loaded 2000!

- The Great Mutant first invented spitting green mist in WCW when he drank a pint of GREEN BEER on Saint Patrick's day and it tasted horrible so he spat it in Sting's face!

- Terry Funk once got drunk and put his horse in a spinning toe hold!  But the horse didn't submit because horses don't have toes.

Back never with nothing ever this is the end of Hot Newz forever for real this time seeya!

I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT''S HAPPENING WITH IMPACT WRESTLING?  LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO WORKS THERE ANYMORE?  DREW GALLOWAY?  IS HE THEIR CHAMPION?  NO, HE'S GONE.  SCOTT "SICK BOY" VICK?  POSSIBLY.  IS DON WEST STILL A THING?  I KNOW THERE WAS SOMETHING INVOLVING AN AN OWL, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT.  SO I CAN'T REALLY MAKE UP SOME LIE ABOUT IMPACT WRESTLING BECAUSE FOR ALL I KNOW IT COULD BE TRUE.  LET'S JUST SAY...DIXIE CARTER SPOTTED HAVING DINNER ALONE WITH MIKE PENCE?  BILLY CORGAN AWW SHIT I CAN'T REMEMBER IF HE'S STILL WITH IMPACT ANYMORE NEVER MIND.  PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF SCOTT "SICK BOY" VICK AND ODB AT DON WEST'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

WresleMania Hot Newz!

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And Wrestlemania Triangle (NOT WrestleMania Play Button like the internet would have you believe!  The traingle symbolises Vince, Stephanie and Triple H!) is just around the corner!  Of course I've got ALL THE SPOILERS weeks before Reddit Guy (real men post on NEWZGROUPZ!) and I will share them all with you my lucky fans!  Not only that but I got TICKETS to Wrestlemania on ebay and even though they aren't right at the front like usual it's still better than watching at home (just about!) so expect to see me in the crowd LIVE (when it goes to a really long shot!) waving my "If Roman Wins, Vince Masturwanks!" sign...unless I sell the ticket for a thousand bucks (nearly twenty dollars more than I paid!) to some poor mark who doesn't know the seat's behind a pillar!

Bill Demott is a big bully!  Even worse than Big Bully Buswick (fun fact: he once popped a young Daniel Bryan's ballon!) and Laura "The Brawler" Oliver the nasty bully who used to beat me up in school (I got revenge by LIVING WELL...and pushing her younger sister off the swings one time!)!  It has been alleged that he used to show up for training NAKED and say "if you want me to put some clothes on you can do it BY FORCE!" and then when someone came near him with clothes he'd shoot them with a taser then put them in a boston crab!  Still naked!  He would call male trainees gay and then tell them to "prove" they aren't gay by making out with him for ten minutes and not getting a hard on!  He would pour petrol all over the ring and set fire to it then bodyslam trainees on the fire and say it was training for inferno matches!  Worst of all he'd even sometimes force trainees to watch Hugh Morrus matches and if they didn't describe his moonsault as "graceful" he'd break their legs!  And sometimes he even SPAT on the floor of the training center!  Demott denies all these allegations but has bravely stood down before anyone sues his pants off (but he's already not wearing any pants and if you try to put them on him he'll tase you!  He's a messed up guy!) 

WWE is taking the #givedivasachance hashtag very seriously!  Stephanie will come out on the first RAW after WrestleMania and say "we are taking that hashtag very seriously!  however it's not fair to just give Divas a chance and not OTHER minorities too so that's why we're going to give MINIS a chance!"  Then the return of MAX MINI as he runs down to the ring and Stephanie gives him a big hug and he motorboats her!  But the Divas WON'T be happy about this because they think women are better than midgets!  This will eventually lead to a one on one match between Paigie and Max Mini to settle once and for all who is better!  The match will be slightly disappointing as Paige is slightly overrated in the ring and relies on that kick to the chest she does too much but no one wants to say it because she's hot!  Max Mini will win for REALISM with the Minicanrana and then hug Paige and then reveal the real reason he did all this is because he liks hugging women and burying his mini head between their breasts!  Then he'll never be mentioned again and the Divas will go back to have two minute matches.

Samoan Joe is headed for WWE!  There is a lot of speculation that Joe is too fat and lazy and old to make it in the WWE and that he'll be treated as a jobber and that speculation is TRUE!  Joe will be brought in by Santino Marella who is now a heel MMA business man (his new name is Santino MMArella!) and he says "put all my competition in armlocks to make the big bucks!" and Joe will put Ryback in an armlock while Santino rubs bucks together outside the ring but then Ryback powers out and wins and say "I guess that proves that wrestling is better than MMA...PHIL!"  Then Joe is repacked on NXT under a pretty mask as Tyler Breeze's bodyguard but the fans know who he is and chant "Joe's going to turn on you!" during every Tyler match for six months waiting for him to turn on Tyler!  Then he takes a training job and is never seen again.

TNA still sucks!

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday!  I have all the spoilers and even better an exclusive preview of the ANTICS I'll get up to in the crowd!

Pre Show: Team Swiss Cat vs The Usos vs New Day vs Los Matadors - Cesaro and Kid debut their new team name of Swiss Cat because they can't rip off the Bullet Club anymore for legal reasons and Tyson has his cat taped to his shoulder as he walks to the ring!  Since one of the Usos is injured (who cares which one) he says before the match "hold up a minute in the hizzle!  I'm injured so it's time for a replacement for my ass...MY FATHER'S ASS!" and Rikishi backs his ass up all the way to the ring!  Late in the match Rikishi goes for a Stinkface on Cesaro and Cesaro tries to counter with a European upepercut but this arm gets STUCK between Rikishi's cheeks and Cole says "a WrestleMania moment already and it's only the pre show!"  New Day win by rolling up Cesaro while he's trying to get the stink off his arm and then Big E says "thank you JESUS for being our SAVIOUR and enabling our WIN!" and this is part of a controversial new angle that will split opinion where New Day will start overtly referencing Jesus all the time and they'll feud with Mizdow and Fandango who are INTELLIGENT ATHEISTS who are faces in Canada (a Godless country!) but heels everywhere else!

Andre The Memorial Giant Battle Royal - Even though Hideo Itami won the tournament to be the NXT guy in the match he's not the only NXT guy in the match!  BARON CORBIN makes his main roster debut as Vince noticed how tall he is!  His new gimmick is that he talks out of his BELLY FLAP like Jerry's girlfriend in that one episode of Seinfeld!  And the mouth in his belly flap says "I'm the BARON of the MANOR!  La la la!"  And also KEVIN OWENS is the final entry in the match and he says "I have come to WrestleMania to FIGHT OWENS FIGHT!" and charges to the ring...and is double clotheslined out by Kane and Big Show in one second (Vince was still furious at them for fucking up with Titus O'Neil at Royal Rumble so made them redo it here!)  Then Cole stands up on the announce table and says "HAHAHAHA, YOU FAT GOOF, GO BACK TO THE MINOR LEAGUES OF NXT AND LOSE SOME WEIGHT, YOU'RE NOT READY YET, PAL!"  But this is actually CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT as Owens will make his main roster debut ONE YEAR LATER in the next Andre the Memorial Giant Battle Royal where he will last A FULL FIVE MINUTES (he won't win, obviously!) to prove he's tough and Cole will congratulate him and muss up his hair!  It comes down to Miz and Mizdow against Kane and Big Show and Miz is eliminated and ORDERS Mizdow to eliminate himself but Mizdow starts SHAKING and says "OOOOOH HELL NO!" and rips his beard off (which is strang since Miz doesn't have a beard and this actually makes him look more like Miz!) and says "I'M NOT MIZDOW ANYMORE!" as the fans go crazy!  Then he turns round into a Big Show knockout punch and is eliminated.  Kane and Big Show decide to SHARE the trophy and they pull it in half and HORNSWOGGLE jumps out of the trophy and says "I was sleeping there!" to send the fans home happy!

Now it's finally time for WrestleMania and PHARREL WILLIAMS comes out to sing America The Greatiful because he needs the money after Marvin Gaye cleaned him out!  When he finishes he says "hey, is everyone HAPPY to be here at WrestleMania?" and while everyone is thinking what their answer is I QUICKLY shout out "No, I'd rather be at NEW JAPAN~!" to get some free advertising for New Japan in there while everyone else is silent which is one of the advantages of having spoilers!

Randy Orton vs Seth Rollins - They have a wrestling match (boring!) until JOHN STEWART comes out with a PHONE and says "hey, Seth, I found some pictures on your phone and I'm going to put them on the Titan Tron by pressing a button as that is a feature all phones have" and Seth says "NOOOOOOOOOO!" and Orton gives him an RKO FROM OUT OF NOWHERE (actually just a normal RKO but Cole is forcing the meme!) for the win!  And then the pictures appear on the Titan Tron and they're just pics of Seth putting sunglasses on his cat!  Then Orton says "you know what, Seth?  As the APEX PREDATOR I'm going to make sure you don't ruin the main event tonight by cashing in your Money In The Bank!"  And he opens the Money In The Bank briefcase and closes it on Seth's head somehow then gives Seth a punt with his head in the briefcase!

Backstage we see loads of nerds typing on laptops (Cole mumbles something about them being "contest winners" to explain it!) and DANIEL BRYAN walks by and says "hey fellow Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts!  You guys blogging about how cool I am?  ICE COOL!" and the nerds say "no, we're blogging about how you've lost your cool and become a catchphrase spouting loser!  We prefer real cool people like Roman Reigns and his more attractive beard now!"  This is part of an attempt to get even nerds to turn on Bryan and it will culminate in Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory (THE GREATEST TV SHOW SINCE FRASIER) appearing on RAW and saying "even I'm cooler than you, turd!  Bazinga!" and giving Bryan a Stone Cold Stunner!

IC title ladder match with Bad Newz Barrett, Daniel Bryan, R Truth, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, Luke Harper, Stadust and I think that's everyone but I'm not going to look it up - Everyone attacks Daniel Brya right away (because they hate him!) and gives him a six way powerbomb through three tables (that's two men a table!) to take him out of the match!  This is to stop the fans from RUINING the match by cheering for him as of course there's no way fans would cheer Daniel Bryan when he's not actually in a match!  After lots of people fall off ladder Barrett finally climbs a ladder without falling and is about to ring when Ambrose pulls a rope with a HOOK on it out from under the ring and hooks it to the rafters and uses it to swing over and knock Barrett off the ladder (#WrestleManiaMoment) but then on the backswing Ziggler jumps off the top rope and gives him a Zig Zag in midair off the rope!  Then while they're down Bryan runs out and climbs up the ladder to win because he's a NERDY COWARD now remember!

AJ Lee and Paige vs The Bellas - They have a wrestling match (what's with this booking!) until a woman in an MMA MASK (it says "MMA" on it!) jumps in and puts AJ's arm in an armlock and you hear a loud POP and AJ's arm is broken!  Then the woman says "Your HUSBAND thinks he can hang with MMA?  Well let's see how you HANG with the MMA MISTRESS!"  And this is actually Sara Del Ray under a mask because Vince thinks she's too ugly and they will have a LION'S DEN MATCH at Extreme Rules with special guest referee Dan The Beast Severn!  And YES the MMA Mistress WILL have sexual relations with Samoan Joe thanks for asking!  Oh and the Bellas win this match I guess.

Twenty minute concert by whoever sings that "Swing At My Ego" song!  And if Layla comes out to dance I start a "mast-ur wank, mast-ru wank!" chant!

Rusev vs John Cena - This match is so boring that I start doing the Hot Newz Shuffle during it and it spreads across the arena like a Mexican wave until everyone's doing the Hot Newz Shuffle and even JBL has to say "look at that, Maggle, that's the coolest dance move since John Travolta in Grease Maggle!"  Meanwhile in the ring Cena powers out of the Accolade (THERE'S A SHOCK) and hits the AA and is about to go for the pin when HULK HOGAN walks down to the ring waving an American flag and says "dude, drape the flag over him before you go for the cover, brother, that'll teach him for being Russian dude!"  So Cena drapes the Russian flag on Rusev but Hogan stops him again and says "drop a big leg on him to make sure he stays down, brother!"  So Cena runs to the ropes to rebound and hit a legdrop...and Lana throws a fireball into his eyes (the referee is distracted by Hogan's pythons!)  Rusev crawls out from under the flag and gets the pin and Hogan looks DISTRAUGHT and runs into the ring and cradles Cena and says "someone's got to stop you for AMERICA, brother!" and Ruseve says "how about you right now OLD FOSSILMAN!"  So the match is ON and right away Rusev holds Hogan for Lana to throw a fireball at him but Hogan DUCKS and it hits Rusev and Hogan pins him for the three and is the new US champion!  Then Hogan helps up Cena and Cena says "I'm glad it was you, bro" and Hogan SMILES AT LANA and says "it was me...who was up all night HANGING AND BANGING with Lana...and there wasn't a lot of hanging going on if you know what I mean BROTHER!" and hits Cena with a clothesline and MAKES OUT with Lana while Rusev cries!  This is to turn Rusev face (Americans love guys who've been dumped or friendzoned!) and set up a match between Cena and Hogan for next year's WrestleMania in the most optimistic forward planning in history!

Sting vs Triple H - Before the match Triple H says "Sting has requested that this be a no DQ match and I'm MAN ENOUGH to accept that request!"  Triple H puts Sting in a sleeper for a while just to make sure the match lasts long enough (people have expectations of Triple H matches at WrestleMania!) until finally Sting makes a comeback with punches.  Sting keeps punching HHH and Cole says "it's almost disturbing how many punches there's been!" hinting at something!  HHH goes outside the ring but Sting brutally bounces his head into the announce table once!  HHH comes up BLEEDING(~!~!~!~!~!) but a disclaimer appears on screen reading "don't worry, folks, it's not real blood, it's just HOLLYWOOD MAGIC!" so as not to freak out viewers!  Sting keeps pounding the cut and grabs a mic and shoves it up Triple H's nose and says "say that WCW was better and I'll stop pounding you!"  He goeson for ten more minutes doing the exact same thing until the fans start booing him and yes fans it's a DOUBLE TURN!  Finally Sting says "say it, HHH, say WCW was better!" and Triple H says "okay Sting you got me, I'll say it.  I'll say...TWO WORDS, SUCK IT!" and kicks Sting in the gut and gives him a pedigree for the win!  Sting comes out the next night on RAW and says "uhh, I got carried away" and disappears in a puff of smoke!  He isn't seen again until Summerslam where he helps Daniel Bryan and AJ Lee beat Santino MMArella and the MMA Mistress in a miex tag match!  And Triple H forms a new DX with Dean Ambrose, The New Age Outlaws, Cody Rhodes for some reason and the returning Beth Phoenix!

The Undertaker vs Bray Wyatt - Bray Wyatt comes out first and Undertaker's music plays for three minutes without him coming out and Bray says "he's scared OF THE REAL JESUS CHRIST, ME!"  Then Taker's music plays again and you see an Undertaker shaped figure repelling down from the rafters slowly!  This isn't the real Undertaker (obviously, he's old!) but rather a highly convincing WAX FIGURE of the Undertaker!  Bray says "I ain't ascared of no phantom menace, conjour I can melt ya, spirit!" and shoots a LAZER BEAM out of his hands right up at the wax Undertaker and it melts!  And the wax is now dripping down into the ring so Bray does his CREEPY spidercrab walk across the ring and from that position he catches some of the wax in his mouth and drinks it!  Cole says "this is very symbolic what Bray is doing here, very symbolic indeed!"  But while Bray is drinking wax in the spidercrab position the REAL UNDERTAKER has climbed up through a hole in the ring and he puts Bray in the TCB (Taking Care of Business!) while Bray is still in the spidercrab position!  Taker holds him there for three minutes until Bray passes out from the pain (also he's probably choked to death on wax!) and then CHANTING DRUID MUSIC plays and three druids come down to collect Bray's soul!  Taker orders them to collect Bray's soul but the druids throw back their druid hoods revealing LUKE HARPER, ERIC ROWAN and THAT FAT GUY FROM NXT and they are the new Wyatt Family!  Then beat down the Undertaker with forearms and LAUGH the put him in a body bag and carry him all the way out of the arena and to an ambulance outside (this takes about five minutes).  Then put the body bag in the ambulance and then the paramedic opens it but the bag is EMPTY!  Bray Wyatt finally wakes up in the ring and his eyes bulge out of his head at the empty bag and THE REAL UNDERATKER AGAIG climbs out of the hole in the ring and gives Bray a tombstone for the win!  Who says the Undertaker can't still go!!!

Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns - To stop fans from coming up with funny chants like "Daniel Bryan" and "this match is not a worthy main event for WrestleMania!" everything in the match happens REALLY FAST so the fans don't have time to chant!  Roman hits the spear right away but Brock just grabs his arm as they go down and locks in the Kimura and you hear a POP (the same pop sound effect used for AJ's broken arm earlier if you listen closely, nerds!) and Roman rolls out of the ring!  Cole says "uhh, was that supposed to happen?" and Brock says "I respect you, BOOKER MCMAHON!"  Then suddenly GOLDBERG'S music play and he walks out and says "hey Lesnar, our SCORE was never settled BEFORE when I kicked your BUTT the LAST TIME, so how about when settle it RIGHT NOW and show your BUTT what it's been missing?" and runs out to the ring and hits a Spear as well!  Then STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN drives to the ring in a go kart and says "OH HELL YEAH how about I be the special referee...or the special BUTT KICKER more like!" and gives them both a Stunner then just drives away again!  Then Roman Reigns comes back into the ring and says "I never actually tapped out!" and hits a Rock Bottom (hmmm!) on Lesnar for the three count and he's the new champion for real!  Then Lesnar looks mad and goes to give Roman an F5 but RANDY ORTON hits the ring through that hole the Undertaker left and gives Brock an RKO and says "You know, Roman, I stopped Seth Rollins from cashing in and ruining your moment...because as the APEX PREDATOR I'm the one who gets to ruin your moment!" and gives Roman an RKO then takes the Money In The Bank contract out of his tights as he STOLE it earlier when he opened the briefcase and somehow this makes it a legal match and he gets the pin and he's the new champion!  Cole says "well, at least no one saw that coming!"  I've snuck GARAGE into the arena in my pants so I'll start throwing it into the ring at this point please join me if you're in attendance!

It will be the greatest WrestleMania ever!

Back never with no Hot Newz!

KIDMAN TO RETURN TO ACTION ON NXT AND DARE OWENS TO POWERBOMB HIM?  DEAN AMBROSE TO START CHEWING TOBACCON THE WAY TO THE RING TO GIVE HIS CHARACTER AN EDGE BUT THEY CAN'T SHOW IT ON CAMERA SO YOU'LL PROBABLY THINK HE'S JUST CHEWING GUM?  I DON'T REALLY GET THE WHOLE "GRADO" THING?  KISS MONSTER TO RETURN THANKS TO NEW GENE SIMMONS DEAL, JOB TO KANE ON AN EPISODE OF MAIN EVENT THEN LOOK INTO THE CAMERA AND SAY "YOU HAPPY TO HAVE ME BACK GENE?" WIPE HIS MAKE-UP OFF AND WALK BACKSTAGE THEN NEVER BE MENTIONED AGAIN?  STONE COLD TO FINALLY GET A GOOD GUEST ON HIS PODCAST AGAIN AND THAT GUEST IS, SURPRISINGLY, TERRI RHUNNELS?  PLUS HOT PICS OF PAIGE SUNBATHING AT MIDNIGHT BECAUSE SHE'S PALE YOU SEE AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

 

6/4/2013 - WrestleMania 29

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that WrestleMania is just around a corner!  WrestleManaia is that special time of the year where we get to see people like The Rock, HHH, The Undertaker and Brock Lesnar wrestle, people who are TOO IMPORTANT to wrestle any other time of the year but who GENEROUSLY agree to wrestle once a year for lots of money!  So let's all watch them and appeciate what they're doing for us then once WrestleMania is over we can stop caring about wrestling again for another year!  I'll have FULL and accurate WrestleMania spoilers in this article BUT FIRST here's my state of the wrestling address!

Why am I doing a state of wrestling address?  Because wrestling is in a state!  CM Punk was suppoed to be the chosen one and bring balance to the force (of wrestling!) but he ended up being a worse chosen one than Anakin Skywalker and Jeff Jarrett put togther!  Where's our ice cream?  It all melted WITH OUR DREAMS!  Punk just turned out to a be a FAKE WRESTLER like the rest and his shoot worked shoot promos were actually worked shoot worked shoot promos all along!  Now we're going to be stuck with CENA who only IRONIC HIPSTERS like (omg he did a hurricanrana and it looked shit but at least he did it HE'S THE NEW BENOIT WITHOUT THE MURDER) and Boring Del Rio as our champions!  And as for TNA...they probably still suck too!  And even the UFC Fight Federation is starting to suck by allowing WOMEN to fight and I'm NOT being sexist here bu tit's a FACT that women have precious bodyparts that need protected like breasts and ovaries and the clitoris so they have no business fighting each other!

Now you're all screaming at your monitors "WELL, HOT NEWZ, HOW WOULD YOU MAKE THINGS BETTER?"  Glad you asked!  Here is my FIVE POINT PLAN to make the wrestling world a world I'd want my children to live in in 2014!

1. Bring back SHANE O MAC - There's a MYTHCONCEPTION that Triple HHH is the KEWL McMahon, but how can he be when he still listens to Motorhead and sleeps with STephanie!?  That first thing hasn't been cool since the eighties and the second hasn't been cool since 1994 (just ask Randy Savage's ghost OOOOOOH YEAH!)  Shane was responsible for the Attitude Era as he was watching ECW in the gym with Pete Gas one day when he turned to Pete and said "those CATS have attitude!"  Vince was listening in (he bugged the gym because he was scared Shane would sell him out to the feds!) and ran in (he was in a van outside!) and said "I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT, SON!" and Shane said "what, cats?" and Vince said "NO YOU MOOK, ATTITUDE!"  It was also Shane's idea to leech off other cool things like SOUTH PARK (that's why Golga wrestled in a Cartman mask and said "screw you guys, I'm going home!" everytime the Oddities tagged him in, therefore losing all their matches by countout!) and actually INVENTED Chuck Norris by hiring his old kung fu teacher STEVE BLACKMAN who was so awesome that suddenly people said "hey, maybe Chuck Norris was cool too and not kind of lame and short like I thought!"  He also invented the top rope flying elbow through the announce table on Test!  Sure he made some mistakes like jobbing for Kane (Shane should have won the feud and Kane should have disappeared for six months then came back in a NEW MASK for his REAL monster push) but those punches on Randy Orton only looked bad because Shane was holding back as he knew if he punched Randy for real he could kill him!  Shane being a young man (49) will bring hip cool young ideas like possibly cross promotion with Downton Abbey!

2. FIRE all the MEN from TNA and make it a Diva's only company - Let's face it, TNA sucks.  People don't like to say it because they have some good wrestlers and put on some good matches...but it's still TNA.  It still has Bubba Ray Dudley pretending to marry Hulk Hogan's daughter.  It still has Tazz being allowed to speak on television.  It's still TNA and it still sucks and always will as long as it's TNA.  So turn it into something else!  Who here wouldn't LUV a Diva's only company with all the BEST Divas in the world!?  Not just great current TNA woman works like Tara and that girl with the ass, but also great Japanese and Mexican talent like Astonishing Kong, Aja Kong, Bullish Mechano and The Humping Bomb Angels!  They could even sign great WWE workers like LAYLA (who is being HELD DOWN), Naomi (NO OTHER DIVA has ever done a BACKWARDS LEAPFROG) and NXT's pale Paige (she's from England which means she was trained by great workers like William Regal and Big Daddy!  Plus she's only sixteen which means she has twenty years of hotness left in her!)  The worthwhile TNA men like Daniels, Kazarian, Robbie T and Sharkboy could go to WWE and the WORTHLESS men would finally disappear (not naming any names...not naming any SAMOAN names...)

3. Send The Rock to England for a year - This might sound crazy BUT LET ME EXPLAIN!!!!!!!1  First of all we ALL know The Rock gets BLOWN UP everytime he wrestles now.  It's because he's forty and has to eat steroids every morning as part of his real job as an action star.  Obviously we can't expect The Rock to stop eating steroids, so the solution is for him to wrestle ENGLAND STYLE!  You see in England they have ROUNDS in wrestling matches and every match is broken up into five minute rounds, a tradition dating back to Winston Churchill's match with Neville Chamberlain to determine the new Prime Minster!  This is to let English people have time to MAKE TEA during matches as those crazy Brits can't go five minutes without that goo!  Rock can say he's following in the footsteps of English legends like Tommy Billionham the Dynamite Cad, Finlay and Rockstar Spud and now that he's "found himself" in England he will ONLY wrestle in English style matches with five minute rounds!  This means he won't get blown up anymore as he'll be able to rest!  Rock can also act like a SNOOTY LIMEY BRIT BASTARD like they have on Donwton Abbey (see point 1)!!  Also as the Rock's real career is as an actor now he can SECRETLY TRAIN with famous English actors like Patrick Stewart, Daniel Gay Lewis, Dame Judy Dutch, Jonny Depp and Ki-Adi Mundi to become a real actor!

4. WWE should TEAM UP with NEW JAPAN - You might be asking "Hot Newz, how good can New Japan when it's all in Japanese!?"  Well I'll tell you: VERY GOOD!  In Japan wrestling is STIFF that it might as well be real!  New Japan is the HOT NEW FORCE in wrestling becasue they dsicovered that people like buying ippvs where the stream DOESN'T go down after five minutes (take note ROH!) and are now offiically the SECOND biggest comapany in the world as their last ippv did more buys then the last TEN TNA, ROH, Chikara, Dragon Gate, Respect Pro Wrestling Gorilla, CZW and Fantasy Sex Wrestling ppvs combined!  And that's even though they have a guy with short weedy arms whose finisher is a short clothesline in the main event!  WWE clearly has a lot to learn from New Japan (like how to get Harry Smith over!) but New Japan also has a lot to learn from WWE (like how to speak English!) so a team up would help both conquer THE ENTIRE WRESTLING WORLD!  That would leave only New WWE Japan and TNA Divas as the only two wrestling companies in the world which would be much less confusing for viewers and much easier on newz reporters!

5. Turn Cena Heel...FOR ADULTS - I know people will say "HOt Newz, they'll never turn Cena heel he sells loads of t-shirts and stuffed bears and Cena Chewable Vitamins to kids!"...that's why I said turn him heel FOR ADULTS, dumbass!  Back in the early nintenies Bret Hart was a HEEL in America but a FACE in Canada!  This meant WWF (as it was then known, history fans!) could sell "America Rules, Bret Smells!" shirts in America and "America Smells, Bret Rules!" shirts in Canada and all they had to do was swap two words!  This made the WWE nine million dollars a week (of course WCW was making NINETY MILLION dollars a week with the NWO at the same time!) and was a sound business move!  It's now time to do the same thing with John Cena!  All adult men HATE Cena already anyway all they have to do is have Cena cut a promo saying "you know what I want to thank MY KID FANS for all their support...but the rest of you can go POOP yourselves!" and make a fart noise!  He could then be seen visiting schools and children's hospitals and even zoos dressed in bright colors and playing with kids!  He could even have an ARMY of children follow him everywhere and come to the ring with him like Michael Jackson did!  Adult women will still cheer him due to his SEXY MUSCLES, of course, but Cena can even turn heel on them by sayig "I like kids more than I like adult women!" and hugging the kids to taunt the women!  WWE could then sell even more kiddy than before Cena merchandise to kids (he could release an album of KID RAPS about how homework sucks and whatever else kids believe in!) and ANTI-CENA merch to adults like plastic bottles to throw at him!  This could eventually lead to the ultimate adults only wresting star BATISTA returning and he could have an army of porn stars to counter Cena's army of children!  Batista could stay heel with kids by popping their balloons on the way to the ring!  WWE could even start selling Batista brand condoms to adults!  I know I'd wear them (even just for a masturwank!)

WRESTLEMANIA SIGN IDEAS

"Read My Sign While You Wait For Rock To Get His Breath Back."

"I Paid To Not See Zack Ryder."

"We're All In The 'House Of Pain' Watching Ryback v Henry!"

"If Triple H Wets Himself I'll Dry It!" - only hold this if you're a girl or a gay

"Zeb Colter Got Jimmy Wang Yang Deported!"

"SPOILER: The Rock Charges Out Of the Corner With A Clothesline."

"Chris Masters Carried A Tree To A Better Match Than This!" - to be held during any bad match (so any match on the card basically!)

"GAME OF THRONES SPOILER: They All Die!"

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday and it's going to be bigger than Andre's cock and here are 10000 million % percent accurate spoilers I got from my top level sources so don't read if you're a pussy who doesn't like spoilers!

Wade Barrett versus The Miz - Before they're about to wrestle ANTONIO CEEZARO comss out and says "Eeeeey!  I am a champion too!  I should be on this WrestlingMania show, or at LEAST the pre show so let's turn this into a triple threat match!"  Then Miz and Barrett look at each other and NOD and Barrett gives Ceezaro the Bonesmasher Elbow right into a Skull Crushing Final from the Miz!  This is because Barrett is turning face soon and this is a tease!  Antonio is carried away on a stetcher which has "NXT" written on the bottom of it!  Then Miz and Barrett SHAKE HANDS to show they are friends but Barrett tries to turn the handshake into a Sovenierbuster Elbow (he's not a face yet!) and Miz DUCKS it and locks on a CROSSFACE CHICKENWING and Barrett taps out right away!  Then BOB BACKLUND comes out and says "young man I was so impressed by your application of the Crossface Chickenwing that I OFFICIALLY endores you!" because they're so fucking desperate to get Miz over and Miz says "thank you, MIZter Backlund!"  And if the fans are still booing Miz at this they'll definatly be cheering when MARIA MENSTRAULOS comes out and says "please cheer Miz!" because she's hotter than all the Divas thanks to her GREEK JEANS (which she's wearing!)  But will Maryse (she's back, in the front row!) be jealous!?

Brotus Clay, The Hip Hop Hippo and the Funkydyketiles versus Team Rhodes Scholars and the Bizzellas - Rhodes Scholars come out first and Shadow says "you're welcome!  As usual Team Rhodes Scholars are ONE STEP AHEAD.  You dancing PEONS might have a white guy pretending to be a Japanese guy on your team...but we've got a REAL Japanese ninja on our team!  You're wlecome!"  And out comes TAJIRI and he shoots ORANGE MIST in a kid's face to show that he's evil!  Then the Dancing Fatties come out and Brotus says "SHEAH YOU DO.  But guess what?  We have someone to counteract Tajira!  GOLDUST, GET YOUR GOLD BUTT OUT HERE!" and Goldust comes out RUBBING HIMSELF to counteract Tajiri!  But then Cody says "ha!  I knew you'd recruit my worthless brother!  That's why I recurited my former sister in law, his ex wife, I give you...MARLENA!"  Then Marlena comes out smoking a cigar and puts it out on some kid to show she's evil and Goldust starts to cry!  Then Brotus says "OH SHEAH?  We knew you'd recruit that old skank!  That's why we recruit MY FAT MOMMA to counteract her!" and his fat momma from last year with the cushion's in her butt comes out and does a fat dance!  BUT THEN suddenly she pulls out pepper spray and aims it at her own son and Damion says "you're welcome!  Splendid!  We knew you'd recruit your fat momma to counteract Marlena, so I SEDUCED her last night in BED!  Use the pepper spray now!"  Fat Momma nods...AND PEPPER SPRAYS Damian!  Brotus then says "Yeah, we KNEW you'd try to seduce my fat momma...so we had someone take her place!" and Goldust wipes off his gold makeup to reveal that he's wearing BLACKFACE underneath and he says "I faked every orgasm!"  Then Noami gives the Bella with no breast implants the Space Flying Tiger Drop for the three.

Big Show, Randy Orton and Shameus versus The Shield - Big Show, Orton and Shameus are KICKING ASS until PAGIE from NXT comes out wearing a leather jacket!  And Sheamus says "Och, what are YE doing here, LITTLE SISTER!?"  (They're both pale so they must be related!)  Then Paige says "THIS!" and pulls her leather jacket off but it's not her breasts that are underneath it's somethign even more shocking: a The Shield T-Shirt!  Then Ambrose rolls up Sheameus for the win!  Then Pagie says "That's BLOODY WELL RIGHT, you sodding WANKER!  I've been with ALL THREE of the Shield doing some worldclass SHAGGING and you can't compete with that, brother, because that would be incest!"  Then Randy Orton RAISES AN EYEBROW because he's getting an idea and his storyline for the next three months is attempting to turn Paige against the Shield by shagging her rotten!

P Diddy comes out of a special trapdoor (this will be IMPORTANT LATER!) and sings the WrestleMania song and does the P Diddy shuffle!

Chris Jericho versus Fandamndo - Fandango ORDERS Jericho to say his name correctly and Jericho DOES and Fandango looks shocked and while he looks shocked Jericho quickly goes to give him the Codebreaker...but Fandango reverses it into a flajack!  Then he grabs the mic and says "Ha!  I KNEW that Jericho was planning to finally say my name right so that I would be surprised and he could give me a codebreak, so I worked out that I could counter a Codebreaker into a flapjack!" and does a dance!  Then Jericho schoolboys him for the win.

Team Hell No versus Dolph Ziggler and Biggy Langstrom - Team Hell No win when Kane pins Ziggler CLEAN with the chokeslam!  But then Ziggler kicks Kane in the balls and hits Bryan over the head with the Money In The Bank Briefcase and says "You know what?  I'm CASHING IN my money in the bank RIGHT NOW!  It gives me a shot at a WORLD TITLE...and the Tag titles ARE world titles!" and he pins Bryan (pulling the tights!) to win the belts for him and the other guy!  Then JR says "BAH GAWD, WHAT A SMART MOVE BY ZIGGLER, HE'S RIGHT, THE TAG TITLES ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE WORLD TITLE!"  Then he looks a tthe King and they both start LAUGHING because no one could believe that shit!

Ryback versus Mark Henry - They do an extra long and dramatic TEST OF STRENGTH for five minutes!  This is NOT because both men SUCK and can't do anythig else, it's because there are actually HIDDEN WIRES attached to Henry's back so he can't take any bumps are move around much!  The hidden wires are because of that time Ryback tried to give Tensai the Shellshook live on RAW and couldn't get him up!  Ryback pulls Henry right out of the test of strength into the Shellshock (with help from TEN MEN hidden in the rafters pulling on the invisible wires!) and gets the three!  Then afterwars Mark Henry looks sad in the ring and stands around looking sad and the fans start to give him a standing ovation because they've figured out that he's about to announce his retirment and Henry grabs the mic and says "it is with regret that I'd like to announce...that MANY MORE FOOLS will be entering the HOUSE OF PAIN, I AIN'T RETIRING EVER!" and this gets an even BIGGER standing ovation!

Alberto Del Rio versus Jack Swagger - Alberto is dominating with moves he stole from Carlito until Zeb hits the ref with a tea kettle and KURT ANGLE'S MUSIC plays!  Del Rio looks around confused and then THE PATRIOT comes out except he's taller and more muscular!  ANd JR says "I REMEMBER THAT MUSIC, IT WAS USED BY THE PATRIOT!" to explain to younger fans!  The Patriot says "you have been a BAD AMERICA!" and acts like he's about to hit Swagger when suddenly he grabs Del RIo in a full nelson and gives him UNCLE SLAM!  And Swagger wins the title.  Then The Patriot rips off his mask to reveal CHRIS MASTERS and he says "yeah, that's right, after I ripped that tree out of the ground I found out tha tthe man holding my mother prisoner WAS A MEXICAN.  So I'm BACK with UNCLE MASTERLOCK SLAM to fight for Patriotism and fight against trees and Mexicans!" and gives Ricardo an Uncle Masterlock Slam!

Triple H versus Brock Lesnar NO DQ HARDCORE STREET MATCH - Triple H comes out (with a confused Motorhead kind of playing his theme and vaguely singing the lyrics, unaware of where they even are) with a SLEDGEHAMMER taped to EACH arm!  That's two sledgehammers!  Lesnar comes out with BIKER CHAINS wrapped around both arms AND around both legs, giving him the tactical advantage!  They BATTER each other with their arms for a while until Triple H hits Lesnar in the ear with the sledgehammer six times, knocking him down!  But Lesnar uses his biker chain legs to kick Triple H in the quad a few times and HHH rolls under the ring...and comes back out with BARBED WIRE wrapped around the top of his sledgehammer arms!  Triple H punches Lesnar in the gut with a barbed wire sledgehammer and Lesnar PUKES right in the middle of the ring because he has gut problems remember!  But Triple H SLIPS on the puke and hits his head on a steel chair on the way down!  This allows Lesnar to bring in a chair wrapped in barbed wire and hit HHH in the back and quads with it 28 times!  But TRiple H comes back with a punch to the BALLS with the barbed wire sledgehammer then pedigrees him on the barbed wire chair!  Triple H knows this won't get the win so he drags Lesnar out of the ring to give him a pedigree through the announce table but Lesnar REVERES to an F5 through TWO announce tables!  Lesnar knows that won't be enough for the win though and spreads THUMBTACKS all over the ring and gives Triple H five belly to belly suplexs on the tacks...but then runs into a spinerbuster on the tacks!   HHH then wraps Lesnar in barbed wire and gives him a spinebuster on the tacks with the barbed wire still around him!   HHH knows that won't get the job done however so he lights one of his barbed wire sledgehammer fists on fire...but Lesnar BREAKS his other arm with a kamura!  Heyman then rolls a STEEL TABLE into the ring and Lesnar prepares to F5 Hunter onto it but as he's swinging HHH in mid air HHH hits him in the back of the head with his flaming slegehammer fist (it's EXTRA BURNY FIRE!)  Then he goes for the pedigree on top of the steel table but Lesnar backdrops him all the way from there to the floor and Heyman pulls the mat at the right moment and HHH lands on concrete!  Lesnar then goes for a Shooting Star Press from the top rope to HHH who is lying on the concrete, but HHH rolls out of the way and Lesnar lands GUT FIRST on the concrete and VOMITS again and the vomit goes straight up twenty feet in the air and lands back in Lesnar's throat and he chokes!  But when HHH picks him up Lesnar surprises him with a quick F5 through the concrete!  But when Lesnar tries to pick HHH up HHH susprises HIM with a quick pedigree onto Lilian Garcia!  Both men are exhausted at last and STRUGGLE up and Lesnar picks up the steps and CHARGES at HHH but HHH pulls a GIGANTIC STEEL SLEDGEHAMMER out from underneath Lilian's body and they hit each other AT THE SAME TIME!  The referee is about to count them both down but they both get up at nine!  Paul Heyman smashes A GIGANTIC CELL PHONE over HHH's head knocking him out and the match looks over until VINCE MCMAHON marches out, his hip completely healed, gives Heyman a bodyslam (JR: "BAH GAWD IT'S WRESTLEMANIA 3 ALL OVER AGAIN!") then FLIPS LESNAR THE BIRD and gives him THE STONE COLD STUNNER and Lesnar does a backflip selling it like The Rock selling for Austin!  Obviously no one can get up from that and HHH gets the pin!

The Undertaker versus CM Punk - CM Punk come out cradling the Urn and it's glowing RED like BLOOD now and Punk has a new tattoo of SATAN on his back (Ned Flanders version of Satan,of course!)  Then Punk says "last night I took the virginity of a seventeen year old girl!  Don't worry, it was legal in the state I was in...BUT BARELY!  Then me and the girl sacrificed A GOAT in front of the urn and filled the urn with goat blood and NOW I have access to ALL The Undertaker's powers HAHAHAH PIPE BOMB!"  And rolls his eyes back in his head like only The Undertaker can do!  Then Undertaker comes out for his entrace but he's SHAKEY and has to be supported by DRUIDS on the way to the ring!  Then Undertaker gives Punk a chokeslam right away but Punk does a ZOMBIE SIT-UP then grabs Undertaker's arm and does the OLD SCHOOL ropewalk (instead of shouting "old school!" he shouts "Fantastic Four Rule!") to show that he has access to ALL of Undertaker's powers!  Then Punk holds Undertaker in the Hell's Gate for TEN MINUTES as JR says "BAH GAWD IN SWEET HEAVEN THE STREAK IS ENDING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES.  BUT NOT JUST THE STREAK, BAH GAWD IT'S AS IF HOPE IS ENDING, IT'S AS IF EVERYTHING GOOD IN THE WORLD FOR ANY GOD-FEARING CHRISTIAN IS DYING RIGHT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!"  Just as the referee is about to drop Punk's hand for a third time the lights go out and PAUL BEARER'S VOICE says "OOOOOH, YESSSS!"  Then when the lights come back on the Urn is glowing GREEN and JR says "GREEN!  THE COLOUR OF THE UNDERTAKER!  WHAT MUST HAVE HAPPENED IS THAT PAUL BEARER'S GHOST HAS POSSESSED THE URN AND GIVEN ITS POWER BACK TO THE UNDERTAKER!" and Lawler says "makes sense!"  Then when Punk tries to pick up the Urn it BURNS HIS HANDS and he staggers around saying "oww, my hands have been burnt!" until he stumbles right into the hands of the The Undertaker who gives him a chokeslam (he can't do a tombstone anymore because both his knees are broken!) for the win!

The Rock versus John Cena - Before the match ZACH RYDER is shown on the front row (sitting next to Maryse!) holding a sign that reads "at least I'm on the show, bro!"  Since everyone IN THE WORLD knows The Rock is going to get blown up they do FOUR double clothesline knockout spots to give the Rock time to rest!  And they're all exciting double clotheslines becaseu they're running in different directions each time!  Then finally Rock looks Cena in a deadly bearhug (a callback to Cena using that exciting move on Rock last year!) until suddenly CM PUNK comes out through P Diddy's special trap door holding a special microphone which has been designed to look like a pipe bomb!  Punk says "So this is your main event, a man hugging another man.  Wouldn't you much rather see fresh young talent like Tyson Kidd, Evan Air Bourne and even Zach Ryder here in the main event?  They cancelled Z True Long Island Story to pay Rock's fee!"  Then Ryder grabs the pipe bomb and says "Dude, bro, seriously bro, I'm just happy to be on the show, bro, wooo wooo broo!"  And Punk looks angry and GRABS RYDER'S SIGN from him like he's going to tear it up but Rock sticks his head out of the ring to stop this (what a hero!) but Punk hits Rock with the sign and it makes a METALLIC THUD and Rock is knocked out!  Ryder and Punk then SMILE EVILY and Punk teras the sign open to reveal a STOP SIGN inside except instead of saying "STOP" it says "ROCK" with a line through it!  Thne Cena gets the in and looks CONFLICTED and can he live with himself tune into RAW to find out!

What a WrestleMania it's going to be!  Back next year with more WrestleMania spoilerers see you then follow me on TWITTER!

RYBACK TO TURN HEEL, CHANGE HIS NAME TO RYBRICK, WIN EVERY MATCH BY HITTING HIS OPPONENT WITH A BRICK, KISS THE BRICK AFTER THE MATCH?  ECW TO RETURN AS ANIMATED SERIES?  EMMA FROM NXT TO GO ON DANCING WTIH THE STARS?  BIFF FROM BACK TO THE FUTURE INVOLVED WITH DRAGON GATE USA IN SOME WAY?  TAZZ THE FATHER OF MADISON RAYNE'S BABY?  PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF STEPHANIE MCMAHON EATING BACON IN THE BATH WHILE TRIPLE H POLISHES HIS SLEDGEHAMMER I AND MEAN THAT LITERALLY AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

WrestleMania Newz!

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania is JUST around the corner! It's going to be the best WrestleMania ever thanks to the two big matches between Rock and Cena and Undertaker and Triple H! There's other matches too but no one cares about them! In a GROUNDBREAKING MOVE I have decided to 100% accurately spoil not only Wrestlemania BUT ALSO the final RAW before Wrestlemania! AFTER SOME HOT NEWZ!

Vince Russo is finally gone from TNA! TNA actually stopped using Russo's storylines a year ago and didn't tell him (he doesn't watch Impact because he's in Church at the time it's on pretending to be a Christian as part of a scheme not to be sent to Hell for writing so much bad wrestling!), so he just kept writing them and sending them to the office where Dixie would hand them to Borash to throw them in the bin (Dixie can't throw, she's a girl!) However someone then realised that this was a watse of paper so they fired Russo six months ago! But Vince's EGO couldn't accept this so he kept showing up for work every day anyway and even after they changed the locks he'd get in by the air vents then call his secretary and say "if Dixie wants me tell her I'M IN MY OFFICE!" When his secretary pointed out that he stole this from Seinfeld, Russo said "no, he stole it from me! He used to come into my video store! He rented Superman every week! That sounds plausible!" TNA finally got rid of him for good by filling his office with concrete!

WWE has NOT signed Albert/A-Train/Old Eight And Three Eighths/The Hip Hop Hippo/Giant Barney to a new contract! Meltzer THOUGHT they had because someone called him up and said "they have!" but this was just a plan to SWERVE him and bring down the Wrestling Observer! John Lauranicetits' bodyguard will instead by SNITSKY in a mask with fake Japanese tattoos and BACK HAIR grafted onto his back to make him look like Albert! And instead of saying "it wasn't my fault!" he will say "RRRRRRR, I'M GONNA KILL YA!"

Thousands of people have emailed and tweeted me (some even wrote letters but they didn't get to me because they don't know my address and just wrote "HOT NEWZ, COOL TOWN" on the envelope!) asking just how Hell In The Cell is going to work at WrestleMania as it's an outdoor arena and they won't have a roof to hang the cell from and cells can't just float above the ring with no roof! Well ask no more, because I have the askwer (answer) right here! The Cell will actually RISE UP around the ring from UNDER the arena! This means it won't have a roof on it...but no one was excpecting two fat 50 year old men to climb onto the roof anyway!

Ric Flair WILL appear when the Four Horsemen are inducted into the Hall Of Fame! Flair called up Dixie Carter and said "Woooo, can I appear at the Hall Of Fame or not, woooo!" and Dixie said "NO, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to appear at the Hall of Fame!" and Flair said "Wooo, sorry, didn't catch that, my phone's breaking up, got to go, woooo!" then dropped his phone and gave it an elbow drop! Flair will make a speech saying "wooo, it's not just us four in the Hall Of Fame, it's ALL the horsemen, INCLUDING that one whose name we can't mention, you know the one...Paul Roma, you're in too, champ! Wooo!"

And now it's time for my look at the final RAW before WrestleMania! The script was FAXED to me accidentally because I bought a fax machine that used to belong to STEPHANIE MCMAHON! And yes, I HAVE rubbed myself up against it, thanks for asking!

The show starts with VINCE MCMAHON strutting down to the ring in his smoking jacket! Vince says "you can't have a WrestleMania season without the boss! That's why this Sunday, I'm going to..." before he can finish there's the SOUND OF GLASS and STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN comes out! And Austin says "Vince you MEALY MOUTHED BASTARD, it's actually OLD STONE COLD that they can't have WrestleMania wihtout! And Cena and Rock, you two are having a match on Sunday, but maybe next year OLD STONE COLD will have a match with one of you or maybe with CM Punk depending on what the bookers decide! And by the way, I've had enough of you two singing like a couple of GIRLS so you better get physical tonight or OLD STONE COLD will get physical with your asses!" But before he can leave, ANDY FROM TOUIGH ENOUGH (remember him!?) comes out and says "you know what, it's been a year since you slapped me, Vince, and you stunned me, Steve, and I still haven't been on tv because creative has nothing for me! Well a year's long enough I think, so what have you got for me?" Then Austin and Vince look at each other and SMILE and this time AUSTIN slaps Andy and then he turns round and VINCE gives him a stunner and TEARS HIS PANTS on the way down but he still smiles and says "usually I tear my pants looking at the Divas (from the massive erection I get)!" and he and Austin hug! Then Andy is never seen again.

R-Truth versus Dolph Ziggler - Before the match, Teddy Long grabs the mic and says "uhh, I still need three more guys for my team at WrestleMania!" Then Great Khali, Brotus Clay AND THE RETURNING HUSKY HARRIS (now a fun-loving firefighter!) come out and say "we'll be on your team, as long as you follow the fire safety codes!" (Husky does the talking!) R-Truth hits the Alarm Clock (remember that!) on Ziggler and he does a crazy upside downn flip bump then Truth hits the Little Jimmy and Ziggler does a wacky downside up flop bump and Truth gets the three (match time: twenty seconds.) Then John Lauranicetits hits Truth with a clothesline to bigtime heel heat! Then Teddy is going to take out John but AKSANA tells him not to then she SPEARS John right in the crotch! Aksana says "in Soviet Russia, woman spear YOU!"

Vince McMahon is backstage and MICK FOLEY approaches him (with notepad!) and says "great to see you, big guy! Haha, remember how I always call you big guy? I do! Anyway, I was just thinking we can't have a WrestleMania without me putting some young kid over, so I sketched out a storyline for how I could interfere in the Cena/Rock match and put a young kid over, I think the fans would really dig it, what do you say?" And Vince says "I'll think about!" then ROLLS HIS EYES to the camera.

CM Punk versus Kane - Punk kicks Kane's ass (with kicks!) for a full thirty seconds before CHRIS JERICHO appears at the top of the stage and Kane instantly chokeslams Punk FROM BEHIND and gets the pin! Then Kane says "Randy, this Sunday, you'll be the one choekslammed from behind after a distraction" to further build up the bitter and deeply personal feud between them! Jericho then cuts a promo. "Punk, you were right, I was wrong to go after your alcoholic father and your druggie sister who gives handjobs for cocaine sticks! So I won't say anything about them again. YOUR SLUT MOTHER, on the other hand..." Then a woman dressed as Punk's mother (she's wearing a dress with the Pepsi logo on it!) comes out and MAKES OUT with Jericho! Jericho says "now I understand why you don't respect women and call all the Divas "douches" after sleeping with them!" in a clever insdier reference that will get people talking. Punk says "MOM, NO!" and runs up the stage to stop them but Suddenly his Mom KICKS PUNK IN THE BALLS! Then Jericho gives Punk a realy sloppy Go To Sleep and his mom pulls her wig off and it's LITA and she says "I'm not your mom but we do have one thing in common: you've been inside both of us! After you dumped me you told me to get back with Matt Hardy and smirked! You deserve this!" and gives him a Litasault off the top of the Titan Tron!

MARIA MENSTRUALOUS comes out to the ring looking ANGRY (and hot!) and says "You know what, I'm on the WrestleMania card but the whole feud's been played out on the internet and I'm SICK of that CRAP! We all know the only reason I'm not being booked on RAW is because I'm blatantly hotter than all the Divas (with the obvious except of Layla and possibly Maria Kanellis but she's in ROH now and no one watches that) and I'll show them up! But I'm not just hotter, I'm a better fighter too and I challenge ANY Diva to come out here and take me one! Then THE BELLA TWINS run out but Maria EASILY takes them both out with one-legged monkey flips like Ken and Ryu do in Street Fighter and William Shatner did to Jeff Jarrett! Then more Divas come out like Alicia Fox (now a heel again!), Maxine (not as hot as people say!), Eve and Natty but Maria just keeps taking them all out with her patented move until finally BETH PHOENIX blocks the monkey flip by TICKLING Maria under the knee then grabs her for the Glam Slam but before she can do it a HOT NINJA Divas in a mask runs in and LAYS OUT (hmm) Beth with the LAY OUT (HMM!) and who could this ninja Divas be!? Lawler says "Hey, remember when DX Tori was a ninja? This girl has a really nice ass...so it can't be DX Tori!"

Backstage, Zack Ryder is talking to someone (we can't see their face but we ASSUME it's Cena.) "Broski, I'm happy that we have put our differences aside and are best friends again! Now I can tell you that I've long had a dream of being in the main even of WrestleMania. It's just a shame I can't be inolved in the main event this Sunday. Oh well. It's also a shame that we couldn't have put our differences aside and become best friends again this Sunday in the main event of WrestleMania. Gee golly, I wish those two things could come true!" Then Ryder starts crying. Then he sais "Anyway, I have a date with Eve now, talk to you later broski!" and walks away and the camera PANS UP to reveal that he was talking to a CARDBOARD CUTOUT OF CENA! Then Horsnwoggle GORES the cardboard Cena for no reason.

Also backstage, Cody Rhodes is talking on the phone to SOMEBODY and says "haha, this Sunday, you and the Big Show will be reunited and the GLOVES will come OFF, haha, talk to you soon, MONEY!" Then he SHADOW BOXES and who was he talking to!?

Shameus versus Jack Swagger - Shameus wins in six seconds with the Rogue Kick! But before he can celebrate, DANIEL BRYAN hits him in the back with a chair seventeen times to build heat for their WrestleMania match! Then Bryan says "looks like you won't be beating me in five seconds in a foregone conclusion like everyone thought!" AJ hands Bryan a VEGAN HAMBURGER (it's made out of raddish) and he EATS it standing over Sheamus and he eats REALLY NOISILY and lets parts of the burger fall out of his mouth and onto Shameus in a shocking act and Cole says "damn it, even I think he's gone too far now!"

Randy Orton versus Mark Henry - Orton wins in thirty two seconds with the RKO then Henry says "this Sunday will be my LAST MATCH!" since he's leaving wrestling forever yep it's true so long Mark!

THE ROCK comes out and says "Cena, Old Stone Cold was exactly right. You and I, we got to get physical, brother. And not the way you get physical with Zack Ryder at night! Haha, I'm just kidding, it's okay for me to be homophobic, I played a gay in some awful movie. Cena, you, me, this ring...ARM WRESTLING!" and pulls an ARM WRESTLING table out from under the ring! Cena comes out and and SMIRKS and GIGGLES at the Rock and says "I ain't ascared of you, homedog! You ain't got my stones, my nuts, my testicles or my kahonies! You left wrestling instead of sticking around until it destroyed your body and life, you're a coward! You make FAKE MOVIES but on Sunday it'll be FOR REAL when I whip your ass with my blood, sweat and tears!" Then does a goofy grin. Then Rock says "So, umm, are we doing this arm wrestling shit or not?" and Cena says "oh, right, sorry, yeah, let's go!" But before they can start, THE MIZ comes out and say "look, this is pathetic, I should be in WrestleMania, so how about we turn it into a triple threat match!" Rock says "remember Austin said he wanted us to get physical? LET'S DO IT!" and gives Miz a Rock Bottom through the arm wrestling table! But Cena then pulls ANOTHER arm wrestling table out from under the ring and gives Miz a FU through it! Then Rock and Cena give Miz a COMBINED People's Elbow/Five Knuckle Shuffle which looks so cool that they SHAKE HANDS after and are friends heading into Sunday! Then Austin is shown GLARING at a monitor backstage and says "THAT...was...EXACTLY what I wanted!" and smiles! Then Vince McMahon walks by and says "The Miz? YOU'RE THE FIRRRRRRRRRED!"

Now it's time for the REAL main event as we got LIVE to Shawn Michaels' home via saturnlitte! HBK is watching the video Undertaker saying he's better than Triple with a PERVY GRIN on his face and he keeps rewinding it and watching it back again and again! Then Nitro Girl Whysper walks in and says "Shawn, you've been watching that all week, please eat something and get some sleep!" But Shawn says nothing until suddenly all the lights in his home go out! And when they come back on TRIPLE H is holding Whysper in the pedigree position and Shawn says "what!" and goes to Superkick Triple H but the lights go out again and when they come back, Whysper is fine and Triple H is tied to a chair with his mouth taped shut! Then THE UNDERTAKER appears on the tv Shawn had just been watching and says "Shawn, this Sunday, I know you'll do the right thing. Otherwise the next time I come to your home I'll burn it down like I did to my own house when I murdered my parents. REST IN PEACE!" Then Shawn rips the tape off HHH's mouth and Hunter says "you and Taker are in cahoots, this proves it!" And Shawn drops down to his knees and puts his head in his hands crying and screaming "GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

Back to the arena, THE MIZ is now outside sitting in the garbage with a homeless man since he lost his job, holding a sign that says "will job for food"! Homeless Man says "I've got a JOB you can do me for food, heh heh heh..." and starts to remove his pants but then stops and says "oh wait, there's Punk's druggie sister, I'll get one from her!" and runs off! Miz starts crying and climbs into a trashcan to get some sleep but then says "hmm, what's this?" and pulls the HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT out of the garbage. And it's all dirty and has a used condom stuck to it but it's definitely the real thing! And Miz looks at it and says "HMMMM..."

What does this mean for WrestleMania!? Find out RIGHT NOW in my exclusive WrestleMania spoilers!

The show starts with Lilian Garcia singing the national anthem while footage of soldiers and tanks and guns is displayed to terrify foreign viewers!

CM Punk versus Chris Jericho - It's actually a GOOD THING that this match is opening the show as it means they'll get some time and it won't be cut down to under a minute like two other matches inevitably will! Punk and Jericho recreate Randy Savage/Ricky Steamboat from WrestleMania 3 MOVE FOR MOVE until the finish which they can't recreate since both Miss Elizabeth and George The Animal Steele are dead (I assume!) So instead Jericho hits the Codebreaker and SEEMINGLY wins clean(!?) But after Jericho walks all the way up to the top of the ramp he SMILES and pulls down his KNEEPAD to reveal a sheet of STEEL wrapped around the knee he uses for the codebreaker! Then he runs back down the aisle and pours a bottle (with a giant lable reading "ALCOHOL" on it!) of liquid down Punk's throat. When Punk wakes up he staggers around the ring DRUNK but then says he's got a TASTE for it now and invites Jerry Lawler out for a drink with him (Lawler is a non-drinker and is outraged!) But then Jeircho comes back out AGAIN and says "by the way, jackclown, that was NON-ALCOHOLIC!" and Punk just looks embarrassed and confused.

Cody Rhodes versus The Big Show - Before the match, Rhodes is shown talking to a MYSTERY FIGURE wearing BOXING GLOVES and says "that's right, I'll play you in BLING, haha!" to him. Big Show beats him up for OVER A MINUTE (it's not one of those cutdown matches!) until he hits the Big Punch after 90 seconds! But before he can make the cover, AKEBONO(~!) pulls the referee out then PUNCHES Show wearing boxing gloves and says "I've been boxing in Japan lately and got addicted to bling!" to explain! So Cody wins. But after the match Big Show chokeslams Cody then chokeslams Akebono onto Cody's FACE and Cody screams in agony and when he's next seen he has the face protector back and he's talking in that stupid voice again because this angle was such a big hit last year!

Five minute video package about Team Teddy versus Team Johnny.

Team Teddy versus Team Johnny - All the faces each tag in and hit the move! The heels get the heat on Zach Ryder (who else!) and each hit a move! Santino gets the hot tag and each heel with the Cobra! VICKI tries to hit Santino with her shoe! Aksana blocks it and grabs the shoe but then hits Santino with it herself! Team Johnny win! Match Time: 59 seconds (yes it's one of those!) Then Aksana says "haha, when I spear Johnny on RAW, I was running to his crotch because I give him many big job blows!" Then Ron Simmons comes out and gives Aksana a spinebuster (man on woman violence is okay at WrestleMania!) and says "DAMN! Let's get you to a whorehouse, Teddy!" and the whole angle is forgotten! And Mark Henry isn't shown on camera again after taking the cobra so Santino claims he ended Henry's career with it and there's nothing the smarks can do to change it!

Randy Orton versus Kane - Kane appears behind Randy and goes to chokeslam him in a reference to his match with Chavo at WrestleMania 24! But Orton reverses in mid air to a RKO in a reference to his match with Undertaker at WrestleMania 21 and gets the win in four seconds (one of those matches!) Then Kane says "you know what? I QUIT!" in a reference to JBL quitting after his match with Rey at WrestleMania 25! And also because he's quit and will never be seen again just like Mark Henry bye Kane!

One minutes video package about Daniel Bryan versus Shameus (there really isn't much to show except the seventeen chairshots!)

Daniel Bryan versus Shameus - Shameus comes out SELLING the seventeen chairshots he took on RAW so Bryan gets to DOMINATE him for two minutes with kicks! But then Shameus powers out of the LaBell lock and hits the Rogue Kick, The Celtic Cross AND the Irish Curse to get the win! Bryan blames AJ for the loss somehow and is about to SHOVE HER (someone freaked out backstage after Ron Simmons give Aksana a spinebuster) when suddnely KATELYN jumpst he barricade the bodyslams Bryan! Then Katelyn and AJ stare at each other then MAKE OUT in a modern day reference to Savage and Elizabeth at WrestleMania 7 (and because it's hot!) This sets up Bryan forming a team with Derrick Bateman and Johnny Curtis and DOMINATING NXT for a whole year as Vince has decided this is the best use for him!

Ten minute video package for Undertaker versus Triple H.

Twenty minutes of setting the Hell In The Cell up!

The Undertaker versus Triple H Hell In A Cell - As all the matches so far have run short this can last a full FIFTY MINUTES! Before the match, MOTORHEAD repel from the ceiling (but there is no ceiling!?) like The Brood at WrestleMania 15 and land on the roof of the cell (WWE changed their mind and put a roof on just for this spot, adding another ten minutes of ppv to the cell's construction!) and play their version of "Time To Play The Game" which is just Lemmy repeating "Time To Pay The Game It's All About Paying The Game Die Like A Fool!" for five minutes because those are the only words he can remember! Anyway, this match is REALLY LONG and not only do they each hit each other with each other's moves four times, Triple H also puts on a figure four for five minutes just because he's ordered Cole to say "The Game does that figure four even better than Ric Flair himself!" at that point! Then finally they're fighting outside the cell when Shawn Michaels remembers he's CONFLICTED about this match for some reason and acts like he's going to superkick HHH but changes his mind, then acts like he's going to superkick The Undertaker but changes his mind then superkicks THE CELL in frustration! And his foot gets stuck! At that EXACT MOMENT Triple H hits the pedigree in the ring and CLAERLY has the match won but there's no HBK! Then Undertaker recovers and htis the tombstone and RIGHT AWAY Shawn's foot comes free from the cell and he counts the three! THis sets up a rematc in a BURIED ALIVE match next year where Shawn has the burying shovel but who will he use it on!?

Seven minute video package for the Divas tag.

Kelly Kelly and Maria Mariogalaxyous versus Beth Phoenix and Eva Torres - This lasts a full ten minutes to give the fans vaule for money! Maria works the whole match since she's so great and hot and pins Beth (can't have Eve doing a job!) with a TIGER DRIVE 91~! But then Kelly Kelly TURNS HEEL on Maria with a fiendish Kelly Kutter and Beth and Eva join her in beating Maria down until THE NINJA DIVA makes the save with EUROPEAN UPPERCUTS (HMMM!) then pools her mask off and it's LAYLA and she says "cheerio, pip pip, I'm back and your arses belong to me!" This sets up Layla against ALL THE OTHER DIVAS (they're all heel now!) for the rest of the year and at Extreme Rules Layla and Maria will take on all the other Divas in a TRIPLE DECK CAGE MATCH like Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage did against the Dungeon of Doom this time and it'll be even more awesome than that great match was!

Fifteen minute video package for Rock versus Cena.

The Rock versus John Cena - They have a GREAT MATCH with no tricks for twenty minutes until EVE runs in and says "listen, I need to be with a REAL MAN and you two are the only real men in wrestling!" and goes to make out with Cena but he says "hey, my wife's watching, THANKS TO THE ROCK!" and Rock laughs and says "more pie for me!" and makes out with Eve! But then ZACK RYDER runs out and says "what are you doing broski that's my girlfriendski, DIE FOR THIS" and gives The Rock the Rough Ryder! Then Eve SLAPS Zach and says "I faked every orgasm!" and Zack says "we never even had sex!" and Eve says "oh, right, that was with Punk...well I still hate you!" and Ryder goes to give Eve the Rough Ryder but she ducks and he hits Cena! So Cena gives him an FU over the top rope and through two tables! Then Cena is about to kiss even when she ducks and he kisses THE ROCK and it's funny and they all laugh! But then THE MIZ comes out with another referee and the Hardcore title and says "this is no laughing matter! Remember, 24/7 rules are STILL IN EFFECT so I'm out here now to wrestle in the main event of WrestleMania for the hardcore title! Just try to beat me!" Then Rock and Cena smile and give Miz a COMBINED Rock Bottom and FU (it'll make sense once you see it!) and Eve gives him the Evesault to finish him off! Then Cena has an idea and drags ZACH RYDER's destroyed body into the ring and places him on top of Miz and Ryder wins the hardcore title in the main event of WrestleMania just like he's always dream of! Then MICK FOLEY (with notepad!) appears at the top of the ramp and takes a few steps towards the ring before VINCE MAMHON runs in front of him and just shakes his head "no" and Foley looks sad and turns back around and walks backstage, a single tear sliding down his face. And since they're friends now, Rock goes to MUSS UP CENA'S HAIR but when he's standing in the mussing position Cena turns it into a back suplex and the TWO REFEREES (remember Miz brought one out!) both count a different set of shoulders down and the match is declared A DRAW! Then Rock laughs and says "well, I'm off to film Journey 3: This One's On The Moon now, see y'all next year for the rematch!" and walks away. Then Eve rolls up Ryder to win the hardcore title.

Should be a great WrestleMania! Back soon with more Hot Nez, until then follow me on twitter, eat your vitamins and masturwank like crizzazy!

EVAN BOURNE'S LATEST INJURY JUST A WORK SO HE CAN GET HIS RELEASE AND GO TO TNA WHERE YOU'RE ALLOWED TO SMOKE POT (THEY EMPLOYED RVD, PAUL LONDON AND SPANKY AT THE SAME TIME, OF COURSE YOU ARE!), HAVE TENAY SAY "I KNOW WHO THAT IS!" AND TAZZ SAYS "I DON'T!", CHANGE HIS NAME TO ETHAN "HIGH" AIR, CHANGE HIS FINISHER TO THE "HIGH TIMES", APPEAR ON THE COVER OF HIGH TIMES MAGAZINE, SAVE AJ STYLES FROM A BEATDOWN BY THE REFORMED TEAM 3D, TURN HEEL ON AJ IN HIS TAG MATCH DEBUT THE NEXT WEEK, INJURED HIS FOOT FOR REAL IN A PPV MATCH WITH AJ WHICH HE WINS AFTER VELVET SKY SPRAYS AJ WITH HAIR SPRAY FOR SOME REASON, DISAPPEAR FOR THREE WEEKS, RETURN WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING EVEN THOUGH HIS FOOT IS STILL LEGIT HURT, REFORM TAG TEAM WITH AJ WITH NO MENTION OF THEM BREAKING UP, WIN TAG TITLES FROM JOE AND MAGNUS THEN LOSE THEM TO THE RETURN JEFF JARRETT AND KEN SHAMROCK ON THE SAME NIGHT, TURN HEEL BY SHOUTING AT SO CAL VAL BACKSTAGE AFTERWARDS, TRY TO BRING IN KIDMAN AS THE "MASTER OF THE SHOOTING STAR PRESS" BUT THEN REMEMBERS KIDMAN'S IN WWE SO BRINGS BACK PAUL LONDON INSTEAD BUT LONDON DOENS'T SHOW UP BECAUSE HE'S GETTING HIGH WITH SPANKY SO ETHAN "HIGH" AIR IS SHOVE INTO A FEUD WITH ROBBIE T INSTEAD, LOSE TO KAZARIAN ON EXPLOSION THEN BE REALEASED? PLUS FALSE PROMISES OF NUDITY AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

Wrestlemania

List of things more important than Daniel Bryan and Shameus: The Rock walking to the ring really slowly, The Rock running through his catchphrases, Edge and Christian smashing up a car a bit, Snoop, Hornswoggle breaking character and speaking English, Eve Torres wearing a dress, Mae Young, Pee Wee Herman, Drew Carey, Orton/Punk video package, Austin drinking beer, Lawler pretending to drink beer, Booker doing the Spinaroonie, Austin stunning Booker for no reason, Austin stunning Josh Matthews for no reason, video of Fan Axxess, adverts for Tough Enough, Snooki, Triple H getting two full entrances, Undertaker selling, Miz music video, religious Cena video, choir singing, Rock burying Miz.

Wrestlemania 27

I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania is JUST arround teh cornar! This year is ALL ABOUT The Rock who of course has amazingly returned to the WWE FULL TIME (well, he's back FULL TIME during the shows that he's actually on. The rest of the time he's still in Hollywood) to make Cena look even more shit than we all thought possible! Cena looks so bad compared to The Rock that viewers will be carving their eyes out if they have to keep watching Cena after WrestleMania! And also Triple will fight The Undertaker because niether of them have anything better to do and neither of them will even wrestle in the run up to WrestleMania because they'be both literally said that no one else is good enough to belong in the ring with them and there isn't even a proper storyline for the match, they both just come out every week and literally say "we're going to wrestle at WrestleMania AND IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MATCH ON THE CARD!" and that's it. It will be a great show for getting new talent over!

Jeff Hardy has gone crazy on TNA ppv! Hundreds of people have been tweeting me (Follow me on twitter!) asking if this was a work, a shoot, a worked shoot, a shot work or a whoot! The truth is a mixture of all six! The original plan was a plain, straightforward everyday worked shoot written by Russo but plans changed when Jeff ate some Wooden Cheese pills and got high (I used to eat them at parties, they merked my melon up, man!) Luckily Russo got drunk (ON THE LORD!?) and posted teh original booking sheet on his facebook for 17 seconds before Dixie made him erase it (they were in bed together at the time, that's how he keeps his job!) and I manged to copy and paste it before it was gone!

"Okay you mooks, listen up, I'll say this only once. Or, more accurately, type it only once. I've come up with an angle so confusing, so illogical, that no one, probaby not even the people involved, will be able to tell if it's real or not! It starts with Jeff Hardy's music playin' for the main event and he comes out WALKING BACKWARDS! That's the first mindfuck right there. Jeff says "hey, the reason I'm walking backwards from your point of view is because time is flowing backwards for me and I just came from the future where my match with Sting has already happened and I WON so there's no reason to have this match tonight, bye!" and starts to walk away (backwards) when STING runs out to no music in street clothes (why isn't he dressed for the match? Just one of the mysteries that'll get the internet smarks talking!) and beats up Jeff with a baseball bat until he's just a bloodstain on the mat! Sting goes for the cover but the referee looks at him close and says "that's not Jeff!" and then the REAL Jeff comes out from under the ring smoking a blunt and blows smoke in Sting's eyes and he's BLINDED and Jeff hits him with a PINK baseball bat! Mike Tenay instantly says "THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SHANNON MOORE DISGUISED AS JEFF THE FIRST TIME" to explain what happened to any of the slower viewers! Jeff goes up for the Swanton but then he SLIPS and falls to the floor and the referee does an "X" right directly into the camera so that the mooks thinks it's a work, but then he does a "Y" to the camera for half a second to confuse everyone! Then Sting hops out to the floor and hurts his ankle jumping out and both men are counted out and Tenay says "WHAT WAS THAT!!!" This will really confuse those mook marks and get them talking on the internets!"

While that would have been RUSSO'S BEST ANGLE IN FOURTEEN YEARS, unfortuantely Jeff ruined it by getting high FOR REAL on Purple Waterfall pills (I ate one to impress a girl once, I ended up wearing my shoes on my hands! Still got laid!) and Sting had to SHOOT SHOOT on him with a Shoot Scropion Deathdrop (which is a real shoot MMA move in Japan where Rikodizan once beat Kenta Misawa with one in the notorious Big Egg shoot!) and a shoot pin for the win!

GLAAD (which stands for Gays and Lesbians Are A-okay, Doodz!) have stopped John Cena from saying anything homophobic! They did this be cunningly releasing a statment reading "Hmm, John Cena seems to have a problem with gay people. Could it be because HE is, in fact, SECRETLY GAY himself?!" Cena responded on Twitter by saying "damn it, now I can't make fun of gays without everyone thinking I'm gay myself WHICH I'M NOT, thanks a lot GLAAD you homos!" which he deleted eight seconds later but I saw it! Cena now only has poop based insults left in his arsenal...until some Pro Poop group goes after him that is! WWE will get revenge on GLAAD for forcing them to enter the 21st century by bringing back The Right To Censor but they'll be called Glad To Censor and wear RAINBOW TIES and their members will be Patt Pattersson, The Brooklyn Brawler, Awesmazing Kong and Evan Bourne (come on, we all suspected it)!

Finlay has been released! Finlay (68) was fired after a house show where he booked Miz to urinate on the american flag for cheap heat! In actual fact it was a CANADIAN flag just painted to look like an american flag and Miz's urine would wash the paint away revealing a canadian flag and Miz would say "haha, I made you care about Canada!" But some IDIOT bought urine proof paint and it wouldn't wash off! Unfortunately for Finlay, the entire National Guard were at this house show and were disgraced by this urinating on an apparent american flag (they would have been fine if it was canadian, of course!) and told their representative Sargent Slaughter to have Finlay deported back to Ireland to eat potatoes! He will never be seen again.

Speaking of releases, WWE plans to fire lots of jobbers and less attractive Divas after WrestleMania! This means 90 days later a new group named PAST ENDEAVOURS (it's a pun!) will invade TNA! They will consist of Tyler Rex, Chris Masters, Primo, Zach Ryder (sorry internet, he's gone!), Kurt Hawkins, Rosa Mendes, Beht Phoenix, Tyson Kid, DH Smith, That Fat Guy From NXT, That Bland Guy From NXT (which one!?) and their leader R Truth! They will DOMINATE TNA...for one week until they all start in-fighting and turning on each other! So there will be a "reverse pink slip battle royal" match where the first one to get into the ring and grab the pinkslip gets to fire everyone else (for real, since Dixie will have lost millions on Jeff Hardy's legal fees by this point!) ERIC YOUNG who was fired the week before will win, dressed as Papa Shango.

The reason why Melina doesn't have papz photographing her on the way to the ring anymore is that the magazines stopped buying the photos!

Book reviews!

Chris Jericho's Undisputed - If you read "A Lion's Tail" and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a good book, but it would be EVEN BETTER if he skipped over much of the wrestling stuff and covered some of his greatest matches in barely any detail, BUT went into an insane amount of detail about his music and failed acting career since that's what wrestling fans are really interested in and of course if he cut the book off right before his WWE comeback in 2007 even though he could have easily written about it!" then this is the book for you! Apparently Jesus help him write it, which explains what happened to Carlito's old bodyguard I suppose!

Mick Foley's Countdown To Lockdown - If you read The Hardcore Diaries and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a pretty bad and pointless book and downright creepy in the chapters about Melina. The only way it could be worse is if Foley writes a sequel which is nothing more than a series of first draft blog posts about a TNA match everyone forgot five minutes after it happened with transcripts of TNA promos that nobody cared about at the time and will care less even less about now and no attempt at all to explain Russo's completely non-sensical booking, mixed in with some ranmbling pointless chapters about meeting famous people and getting a boner watching a woman's breasts on a tv show and worst of all a chapter about steriods that appears to end by saying "maybe steriods aren't so bad even though many heavy steriod users in wrestling have died before the age of 40, bang bang!" and no real details at all in the only potentially interesting chapter about him leaving WWE after Vince shouted down his headset" then this it the toilet paper for you!

MMMMMMGoldust by Dustin Rhunnels - Terrible! Sure he talks about his boring crack addiction (who hasn't been addicted to crack at once point in their life!) but he completely skips the real life gay sex affair he had with Marc Mero in 1998 when they both realised Terri and Sable were too good for them!

Big Vis: A Big Heart - Amazing book! Packed full of sexy stories about the many Dvias Vis slept with and the food they used during their love making! Also has many crazy tales of Mo (that guy was a loose cannon!) and Oscar (he was pretty boring, really) from Men On A Mission! Nine hundred pages long but I read it in one day it was so good, a must read for all wrestling fans!

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday! On paper it looks like a pretty average show until you remember that THE ROCK is hosting it which means it'll be THE BEST SHOW EVER even better than those WrestleManias THe Rock actually wrestled on!

Since Jerry Lawyer and Michale Cole have a match and Jim Ross is still ugly, the announcers for the show will be Josh Matthews, Booker T, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Kelly Kelly!

Randy Orton versus CM Punk - Orton just utterly destroys Punk for five minutes then says "you know what Punk, there's SOMEBODY ELSE who wants revenge on you too!" and you see his HOT FAKE WIFE driving down the aisle in the tour bus (for safety reasons she has to drive really slowly so it takes her five minutes to get there during which Punk doesn't move an inch!) Then hot wife says "you know what? I like REAL MEN!" and runs at Orton like she's going to kick him in the balls, but then she SWERVES at the last minute and punts Punk in the head! "That's why I married you, the real man Randy Orton!" she adds. Punk is then drafted to Smackdown where he turns faces and feuds with Drew McIntyre over Kelly Kelly's love! And Orton's wife wins the Diva's title the next night on RAW.

Shameus versus Daniel Bryan - Due to time restraints (need more time for Triple H and Undertaker interviews, videos, entrances!) the match only lasts four minutes and it's just Shameus beating up Bryan and Bryan cowering and covering up in the corner before he gets the fluke win with a small package! And Bryan's new gimmick is that he's a coward who can only win with small packages because Vince finally watched one of his matches and thought it was unrealistic someone so short was hitting moves like dropkicks and upppercuts! And Bryan will started wearing glases and reading books on the way to the ring to make him look more nerdier.

The CorrE versus Big Show, Kane, Santino and Koslaugh - Before the match Kofi Kingstone comes down to the ring and says "hey mon, I taught I was in dis match mon!" and everyone looks at him in disgust then Santino gives him The Cobra and knocks him out and Kofi's carried away on a stretcher while a piped in "NA NA NA GOODBYE" song plays and he's Future Endeavoured~!~! the next day! Then Big Show destroys all of the Corre without tagging in any of his partners with his new finisher THE BUTTERFLY SUPLEX then destroys all his partners too to get him ready for his big main event push that'll probably last a month!

Rey Mysterio versus Cody Rhodes - Due to time restraints (need more time for all the old people to come out and wave in slow motion for the Hall Of Fame yawnfest!) the match only lasts two minutes! And Vince has instructed Cody to ONLY use headbutts to get his gimmick over so he just headbutts every part of Rey's body until he's finally read to headbutt Rey's head, but when he does his facemask SHATTERS and it's revealed Rey is wearing a METAL MASK! Rey then exposes a knee brace with a big spike sticking out of it and hits a 619 that takes out one of Cody's eyes! Rey then spits on Cody and says "NOT SO DASHING NOW" and then gives a 619 to Dusty who is frantically checking on his son and there's blood everywhere and Rey laughs and writes "DEATH" on his chest with the blood! Rey then pushes over some kids who try to slap his hand and says "I NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT EDDIE!" This could potentially turn him heel!

John Morrison, Trash Stratus and Snoopy versus Dolph Ziggler, Michelle McCool and Queen Layla - I know how this match SHOULD go! It SHOULD see Layla layout Michelle, Snooki and Vickie with the LayOut then take down that leather-skinned, fake-tanned, forty year old, no-implants having FAKE Trish with the Diamond Dust~!~!~!~! Then Morrison and Ziggler have a match to decide who gets to date Layla and they both collapse with exhaustion after twenty minutes and Layla says "I'll just snog with WILLIAM REGAL instead! Oh and by the way Kate Middleton your Royal Wedding is a sham because Prince William was mine before he was yours!" and does a Layla crotch chop!

Jerry "The King" Oliver versus Michael Cole - Austin will stun Jack Swagger right at the start and Swagger will roll under the ring and never be seen again! Lawler will charge at Cole and be surprised when Cole LEAPFROGS him! Lawler will charge again and once more fall victim to the LEAPFROG! Lawler will then look worried because he wasn't expecting Cole to know such technical wrestling moves! Then Grandmasta Sexay and Scotty Too Hotty come out holding hands! And GMS looks at Jerry like he's going to attack him but then they attacked Cole! And Grandmasta says "thanks for accepting our relationship and agreeing to marry us tomorrow night on RAW, pops!" (this is part of the GLAAD agreement!) Then Scotty will give Lawler THE WORM and Grandmasta says "hey, I thought I was the only one who got to see your worm in action and by that I mean your penis HAHA!" Then Lawler smiles and says "I love you, son, even if you are a fruit...cake!" which isn't in the script and will get Lawler sent to Gay Bootcamp by GLAAD right after the show! Then Rikisihi comes out and gives Cole a stinkface! Then X-Pac comes out and gives Cole a Bronco Buster! Then "here comes the money!" plays and SHANE O MAC IS BACK (he couldn't get a job anywhere else!) and he gives Cole the Van Shane-inator and says "POP POP!"! Then "I'm all grown up now and I've listened and read" plays and Stephanie comes out and gives Cole a pedigree! Then Hornswoggle comes out and gives Cole a Tadpole Splash (wearing a black armband for Finlay.) Then A MAN IN A MASK WHO LOOKS LIKE FINALY IN A MASK comes out and hits Cole with a Shillelagh! Then Stacy "The Kat" Carter comes out and gives Cole a weak stomp to the ribs! Kat then says "Sorry for cheating on you with The Dupps, Jerry!" and Jerry says "I'm surprised you remember The Dupps" and Kat says "yeah, I guess they weren't very meorable wrestlers" and Jerry says "no, I mean I'm surprised you remember sleeping with them after the thousands of DISEASED COCKS you've had inside you over the years!" and gives her a piledriver on a steel chair (strangely no one complains about this part!) because WrestleMania isn't PG! Then Booker T comes into the ring and gives Cole a Spinaroonie! Then JIM ROSS walks out but he falls going up the steps and lies in agony on the floor saying "OWW, GOSH DARN IT TO HECK, I CAN'T EVEN WALK UP STEPS NO MORE, MAYBE I AIN'T CUT OUT TO BE AN ANNOUNCER AFTER ALL!" (JR only agreed to do and say this because Vince promised that he'd give JR his job back the next night on RAW if he did. Deep down inside, JR knew that Vince was obviously lying but went ahead with it anyway in the vain hope that Vince was telling the truth!) Then finally Lawler pins Cole after a fistdrop holding a ROLL OF DIMES in his fist! But then Vince McMahon comes out and says "by the way this match was NON SANCTIONED and therefore you still haven't had a match on a WrestleMania, HAHA, PAL!" and spits on him and the GLAD TO CENSOR drag Lawler away before he can fight back! This sets up Lawler/McMahon at WM28 in his REAL first WM match!

Edge versus Roberto Del Rio - The referee is bumped by Big Brutus Clay and then Christian gets in the ring with a chair and Edge says "you know what to do!" and Christian says "yes I do....DEAR BROTHER!!!!" and hits EDGE with the chair! Then Christian laughs evily! But then Edge pops right up and gives Christian the Running Hug! Edge grabs da mike and says "you fool, I KNEW you were going to turn heel on me by hitting me with a steel chair, that's why I replaced all the steel chairs with RUBBER CHAIRS!" Then Edge hits the Running Hug on Del Rio for the win! This is because management has lost faith in DelRio for no reason and he'll spend the next six months jobbing to Sin Cara (don't worry, management will have lost faith in Sin Cara by the end of the year and he'll be teaming with Yoshi Tatus as Team Mexipan and jobbing to the UFOs (the repackages Usos who come to the ring in a flying saucer!)!)!

The Undertaker versus Triple HHH - Undertaker starts things off by hitting his WRESTLEMANIA DIVE before Undertaker can even get in the ring but using INVISIBLE WIRES (watch out for them!) so that he doesn't die! They slow things down by hitting their finisher moves ten times each and kicking out. Then Shawn Michaels comes sliding down to the ring and HHH says "did you find them?" and Shawn says "yes BUT I WANT NO PART OF THIS" and just slides back up the aisle! And then THE DX THEME plays and Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, X-Pac (again!), Chyna, DX Tori and Jim Neidhart (he was an official member!) all run out and attack The Undertaker! But Undertaker just easily fights them off because they all suck! BUT THEN the DX theme plays again and KANE comes out wearing the DX GREEN AND BLACK at last and with green pyro, just as I reported he would in 1998! Then Kane looks at The Undertaker and smiles...THEN CHOKESLAMS TRIPLE H! No one saw it coming! Then Undertaker gets teh pin and says "Kane never really tried to kill me last year, it was all a set up to screw over DX!" and does an Undertaker crotch chop (which is similar to a Layla crotch chop!?) Undertaker and Kane then date LayCool for a year until Triple H just randomly shows up on the RAW before WrestleMania 28 and says "Undertaker. Me. You. WrestleMania."

John Cena versus The Miz - Miz wins with the Skull Crushing Finale after five minutes when The Rock spits water in Cena's eyes. Seriously. That's the finish. This isn't even a joke. I'm not making it up. This is literally what will happen at WrestleMania. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Real Main Event - Then Cena says "Okay, Rock, let's do it, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!!!!" and Rock says "JUST BRING IT, DUDE!" and Cena says "I AM BRINGING IT!" and Rock says "BUT YOU AIN'T NO SINGING IT!" then they sing "Smackdown Hotel for five minutes!" But then finally they're about to fight FOR REAL when Rikishi (again!) comes out! Rikishi says "hold on a minute, fellas! I've got a lot in common with both of you! Cena, you and I both love hip hop. And Rock, I ran over Austin for you. So there's a connection between the three of us. And that's why I'm here to tell you two not to fight! Let's just GET DOWN instead!" Then Rock and Cena looked at each other and nod and then BEAT UP RIKISHI with a simultanious People's Elbow and Five Nuffle Shuffle (he'll be dead!) Then Rock says "you know what, Cena, beating the shit out of Rikish was fun, but there's still an issue between us that can only be settled in one way...with us going ONE ON ONE...in my new movie, Spy Versus Spy, co-starring you!" then Cena says "Rock...it would be an honor!" and they pose! And Rock never wrestles again which is just as well since he's punches on RAW looked shit!

Of all the WrestleMania's this will be the 27th of them!

Back never with more Not Hewz!

LAYLA TO COUNTER THE MATRISH MOVE BY TICKLING TRISH'S CLIT? ENGLAND DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET LAYLA DEPORTED BACK TO THEIR STUPID COUNTRY BECAUSE THEY NEED HER BACK FOR TOURISM? LAYKELLY VERSUS MCMELINA NOW SET FOR WRESTLEMANIA 28? LAYLA AND BATISTA HAD SECRET CHILD WHO WILL DEBUT WITH WWE IN 2025 AS BATISTEL AND DOMINATE LIKE NEVER BEFORE? LAYLA MORE INTERESTING AND MORE TALENTED THAN ENTIRE TNA ROSTER, YES INCLUDING AJ STYLES, HE'S NOT THAT GOOD REALLY, THE SPINAL TAP NEVER EVEN HITS HIS OPPONENT? MATT HARDY HARRASSING LAYLA WITH "JOKE" TWEETS ABOUT MASTURWANKING OVER HER, LAYLA REPLIES THAT SHE PREFERS IT WHEN EDGE MASTURWANKS OVER HER? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LAYLA FROM WHEN SHE WAS A PAGE 3 GIRL IN ENGLAND WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!