Before he was a wrestler, the Hulkster was a bouncer!
"Before I was a wrestler, I was a bouncer, brother," said Hogan when I spoke to him. "Before me they just called bouncers 'doormen' but because I used to BOUNCE the trouble makers off the concrete, sometimes crippling them for life, they started calling me The Bouncer and that's where that word came from, brother! I think it was GENE SIMMONS who came up with it when I bounced for him for KISS for six months. Satanists were always trying to kill him, brother!"
"Umm, yeah, I know who Hulk Hogan is," said Simmons when I asked for a comment. Unfortunately I forgot to ask any follow-up questions.
"I also bounced for Aerosmith, brother," said Hogan. "In fact Steve Tyler saw me licking the old bass guitar and said 'you're good enough to play bass for any band in the entire world!' I was so grateful I wrote the song 'Love In An Elavator' for him. I got the idea after I had sex with his wife in an elevator at an Aerosmith gig! That's right, I could be Liv's dad, dude!"
"HE SAID WHAT!?" said Steven Tyler when I called him.
"Metallica found out about me becausae of the buzz around my guitar playing," said Hogan. "They'd come down to the bars I was bouncing in to check me out. But at the same time, some bigwig Hollywood producers had heard about my muscles and acting ability so they came down to check me out too! AND it was also at this time that Verne Gagne and the old AWA found out about me, brother, so they'd be in the bar too all staring at me. I ended up gettng offers for auditions from Metallica, Hollywood AND the AWA...but all three auditions were at the exact same time on the exact same day! What were the odds! It'a almost unbelievable! You'd almost think I'm making the whole thing up! But I'm not, brother."
"Hulk came to me for advice and to meditate," said the Chief of the Yappapi nation. "He just couldn't make a decision on what to do! Eventaully I got bored of his whining and gave him Yappapi Indian death strappation NUMBER ONE! But he still couldn't decide! So I gave him Yappapi Indian torture NUMBER TWO! But still no decision! So I gave him the old double fist, double strap to the back, as is tradition in my tribe, as the flesh boiled and bubbled. Still no decision! So I told him AWA had really good blow. And he smiled and I knew what he would do!"
"I didn't just become a wrestler for the cocaine, brother," said Hogan. "Lots of wrestlers had wives and I could have sex with all those wives after doing cocaine! Anyway, turned out Stallone was a big wrestling fan and as soon as he saw me in the AWA he said 'Yo, you're the most naturally talented actor I've ever seen, I'm putting you in the movie and I'd make you the main villain if I knew Mister T wouldn't sue me for racial discrimination!' and I got the part anyway, brother!"
"Someone told me he was tall and had big muscles so I hired him," remembered Stallone.
"When I joined the AWA, all their shows were run in smokey bingo halls full of ugly old people," remembered Hogan. "A month later, they were filling up fifty thousand seat stadiums with hot young women for my matches with Billy "The Snake Handler" Robinson, Nick Bockwinky and a seventeen year old Curt Hennig! I was damn proud to have done this all by myself. Of course that didn't stop me selling out to the WWF. Not for a heartbeat! Sadly the AWA went out of business the day after I had my last match. But it was just business, brother!"
"THE HULK HOGAN, HE COME IN HERE, HE SLEEP WITH ALL THE WIVES, HE THINK HE CAN BEAT THE IRON SHEIK," said the Iron Sheik, on Hogan's arrival in the WWF. "I COULD HAVE FUCKED HIS NECK, BROKE HIS ASS, MADE HIM HUMBLE IF I WANTED TO. I SHOULD HAVE SENT HIS SCALP TO BIGGEST BLACK BROTHER OF THEM ALL MUHAMMED ALI, BUT VINCE HE BOUGHT ME ICE CREAM SO I DID THE JOB."
Hulkamania was born!
"As soon as I dropped the big leg on Iron Sheik, I heard the fans start to chant 'HULK-A-MANIA! HULK-A-MANIA' and felt a tear in my eye and an erection in my trunks," remembered Hogan. "When I got home I turned on the MTV and saw some really gnarly music vidoes and called up Vince and said 'brother, we got to do some stuff with MTV, dude!' After I explained to him what MTV was, and what music videos were, and what music was, he was all for it, brother!"
And so Rock and Wrestling was born to set up the first WrestleMania, which was originally going to be called 'RockAndWrestlingMania' until somebody noticed there wasn't enough room on the billboard at MSG to write all that.
"What was Hulk Hogan without a great opponent?" asked Roddy Piper with a knowing wink on an episode of Larry King Live in 1989. When King didn't reply, Piper broke a coconut over his head and said "Just when you think I've broken all the coconuts, I break another coconut and believe me I'm all out of coconuts!" then broke another coconut.
Hogan's tag partner for the match was A-Team star and lover of mothers Mr T. "He had a problem teaming with me at first becaue I stole Rocky 3 right out from under him," claimed Hogan. "But I said 'brother, do you want to be a part of something bigger than yourself?' And he realized that Hulkamania was bigger than he'd ever be and said 'yes, brother!' And that right there is proof that I've had black friends!"
"I was supposed to do the job, but when Hogan tried to pin me I kicked out at two and said 'try that again and I'll roast your bacon!'," claimed Piper. "Fortunately my partner Mister Wonderful tripped and fell so Hogan got to pin him."
"WrestleMania was done and I was now officially the most famous man in the world, brother," said Hogan. "I needed an opponent for WrestleMania 2. We only did one big show a year back then so it would have a year long build up. I told Vince it should be someone fat so I could slam him and look impressive. King Kong Bundy was walking by at the time so Vince said 'sure, it can be him!' I realised the match was going to flop with Bundy beause he looks like a big egg, so I came up with a new type of match on the spot: the STEEL CAGE match! They said I was crazy for wanting to do a match in a steel cage but I proved them all wrong by shattering box office records and Bundy's spine, brother!"
"For WrestleMania 3, we decided to go even bigger," said Vince at his steroid trial. "Quite frankly the one man in the world who was bigger than King Kong Bundy was Andre the Giant! The problem was that Andre was a good guy and heel turns hadn't been invented yet. Plus he'd never lost a match in thirty years because nobody had ever told him wrestling was fake!"
"I went to Andre and said 'dude, you got to turn heel and job because I'm the future, brother!'," claimed Hogan. "I think he respected how honest I was, but he wouldn't tell me for sure if he'd do either thing. That's why I was genuinely shocked when he tore my shirt off and turned heel. Nothing like that had ever been done ever in the entire history of entertainment. Still I didn't know if he'd let me beat him before the one hundred and fifty thousand fans at the Super Dome, brother. The first time I tried to bodyslam him he fell on top of me as a shoot, collapsing my entire chest. My lungs stopped working and my heart stopped beating for a full minute, brother, but I still managed to kick out somehow. Then later in the match I looked in Andre's eyes, brother. I could see a ghost looking back at me. Mentally he had already checked out of life. I picked him up high above my head and every one of those one hundred and seventy five thousand stood up at the same time. And as I slammed him down, they all sat down at the same time and it caused a minor earthquake. And as Andre's body hit the canvas I could hear his spine snap in two but Andre didn't look sad. He looked happy because he knew he'd done the right thing in putting me over. And I watched him breathe his soul out of his body through his mouth before I hit the big leg and got the three, brother. And now people like to use so called facts to say that Andre didn't die that day. Like the so called fact that we wrestled each other again at WrestleMania 4 a year later and that he actually died in 1993. To those people I say...you weren't there, brother. Ask any of the two hundred thousand people with me that night. They'll tell you when Andre died."
(EDITOR'S NOTE: Hogan refused to talk for ten minutes after this shocking account and just stared blankly at the wall.)
"After Andre was gone, the decision was made to build Randy Savage up as a big star, really fool the fans into thinking he was a main eventer, then of course have him lose to Hogan to show that Hogan was better all along," said Pat Patterson. "That decision was made by Hogan."
"Hulk Hogan, you're not a man! Hulk Hogan, I'll hit your face with fists like a frying pan! You wanted Elizabeth all to your self! Macho Madness will be dangerous to your health! OOOOOOH YEAH!" rapped Savage years later.
"After I was done refusing to ever job to Macho Man, I came up with my most evil scheme yet, brother," said Hogan. "This time I actually WOULD do a job to the Ultimate Warror and I'd STILL manage to make myself look better than him just by posing! And those lousy Canucks in the Blue Jay Dome fell for it! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Hogan's ego, steroid abuse and wife stealing were getting out of control, quite frankly," said Vince McMahon. "I used to shudder at his evil when I'd walk by him!"
"Rumors were rampant that Hogan was on steroids," explained Mean Gene Okerlund. "The source of these rumors was the fact that Hogan was indeed on steroids and used to walk around backstage with a bag of steroids shouting 'JUST GOT A NEW BAG OF STEROIDS, BROTHER!' at everyone he met. If he hadn't of ended the Gulf War for us, we would have gotten rid of him a long time before!"
"Vince McMahon called me up and ask me to have Hogan on my show to try to humanize him," said Aresenio Hall. "I was a big fan of Suburban Commando, so I said yes. Hogan behaved very strangely on the show. Every time I asked him if he did steroids he'd shout out "NO WAY, BROTHER!!!!" but then he'd whisper "yes I do them all the time" directly into my ear! Then there was that time he denied ever using cocaine, but a bag of cocaine fell out of his pocket three times during the interview!"
"It was time for Hogan to go," said Vince. "He was supposed to take on Ric Flair at WrestleMania 8, but I decided to put him in the ring with Sid instead, hoping Sid would shoot on him and break his back with a powerbomb. Not the kind of back break that cripples you for life you understand, just enough to keep him out of action for a year. Sadly Sid was professional on that night because he knew he had a softball game coming up and was in a good mood."
"Look, people say I took a year off because of the steroid thing, but that ain't true, Jack! The truth is I took a year off because Gremlins 2: The New Batch needed me, brother! They asked me to rewrite the script and star in it so I happily did so!" said Hogan, explaining that his absence from 1992 to 1993 was to write and shoot a movie released in 1990.
"Hulkster had no intention of ever returning to wrestling, his movie career was off the charts!" said Brutus The Barber Beefcake. "But then IRS hit me with a REAL steel briefcase when he was supposed to use a fake one and my face blew up! Hulkster had to come back after that to avenge me."
"But Bret The Frogman Hart was the champion now," said Hogan. "I call him that because all Canadian are FRENCH COWARDS who eats frogs! Ratings were in the toilet, live attendence was in two toilets, so something had to be done. I had nothing personal against that greasy midget, I just knew I had to instantly get the belt back to save wrestling!"
"People ask if I knew Hogan was going to screw me out of the title, " said Bret Hart. "The first clue came when Hogan walked up to me before the match and said 'GET THE HELL OUT OF MY RING AFTER THE FAT SLOB PINS YOU.' The second clue came when I heard Hogan say 'make sure to mention that I'm better than Bret Hart eight times!' to Jim Ross who was doing commentary in a toga."
"People say I was supposed to drop the title to Bret Hart at King of the Ring 93 but I refused and had it changed to a match with Yokozuna," said Hogan. "And that's one hundred percent true! But what those people don't say, brother, is the reason. You see a lot of people don't know, Jack, that not only was I the biggest star in American wrestling, I was also the biggest star in JAPANIAN wrestling, brother! I used to wrestle a match in MSG then fly out to Japan as soon as it finished, without even showering, and due to the time difference my match in Japan would take place BEFORE my match in MSG! Then there would be no need to shower because I was back in a time before I'd got sweaty! I wrestled and BEAT all the biggest names in Japan: Tony Anthonoki, Giant Baby, Rikishidozen, The Great Mutant, Jumbo Tortoise, Chrono Trigger, Justin Thunder Luger, Kenta Misawa, The Orange Crusher, Dick Togo, Tiger Man, Okada The Rainman, Pat Tanaka, Oriental Brian and so many more, brother! So why did I drop the title to Yokozuna? Because I wanted to give something back to Japan, brother, and Yokozuna was the greatest athlete to ever come out of that stinking country, brother! So I put him over as close to clean as I ever have, when an exploding camera blinded me for a year!"
"When Hogan got his eye sight back after a year he could finally read the contract I'd sent to bring him to WCW," said Eric Bischoff. "I also came up with the idea to put on the biggest ticker tape parade in the history of the world to announce Hogan's signing. Ted Turner was worried that he'd never make back the money he invested in that ticker tape, but I convinced him that maybe in four years he'd make a profit from WCW. He shrugged and said sure!"
"Before I went to WCW, it was the rinkiest, dinkiest organisation in history, dude," said Hogan. "Every show they had was held in a theme park because they couldn't afford arenas! They had a match in the back of a truck once because they didn't have a ring! And I took that minor league, backyard federation and turned it into the biggest company in the history of wrestling! With a little help from my friends Brutus The Barbdude, The Big Shark John Avalanche Tentaquake, Hacksaw The Duggan, Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs and to a much lesser extent Nasty Boy Jerry Saggs, brother! We had to clear out some riff raff like Steve Austin, Mick Foley, Triple Hunter and that creepy Little Richard guy, but I knew they'd all do better in the WWF and eventually I'd go back to the WWF and beat them when they were stars. I was playing the long con, brother!"
"I remember the exact minute I came up with the idea for the NWO," said Eric Bischoff, notorious for his bad memory. "It was Christmas Day 1997. Bill Clinton had just been re-elected despite Gawker leaking his sex tape with Monica Lewinsky. Friends had just begun its first season. The Berlin Wall had just fallen. WWF had just signed Mike Tyson to a ten match deal and I called up Ted Turner and said 'We need the NWO!' He asked me what the NWO was and I had to come up with something on the spot! I went on my ipad and logged into New Japan World using my 56K modem and watched live as the UWFI invaded! So I basically stole that idea and turned it into the NWO, that summer night in 1995. I turned to my wife and she said 'let's go see that new movie ET!' because she didn't care about wrestling. And that's the true story of how I created the NWO. And people say I have a bad memory!"
"People said I was reluctant to turn heel because it would hurt my merchandise sales, brother," said Hogan. "Not true! I was thinking of all the sick kids in the hospital with cancer and stuff, dude! What if they all died of shock when I turned heel? I knew all along that I could make more money as a heel because the dumb marks would buy my cool heel-shirts, brother. Then it hit me! With all the money I'd make from being a cool heel, I could use that money to CURE cancer! Even if SOME kids died of shock I'd end up saving more in the long run. So that's what I did, brother, and it worked perfectly!"
"People say I counted normal speed in the Sting/Hogan match at Starrcade and that Hogan paid me to do so," said Nick Patrick, jumping forward a bit because this thing is getting really long. "The truth is I actually counted fast, just like I was supposed to do! It was the tape that was slowed down, to make it looked like I was counting normal speed and to make Sting look bad! It was a video editor Hogan paid off, not me!"
"I ruined Sting's career because I wasn't going to job to someone who isn't in the Wrestling Observer Hall Of Fame," said Hogan, with disgust. "But so many people were pressuing me to do a job that I eventually agreed to do one to some big Jew guy called Goldstein or something, brother. I know to keep in good with the Jews, Jack!"
"Hulk made me sign a pretty lengthy contract before he jobbed for me, stating that no matter the circumstances I would return the job eventually," said Bill Goldberg. "Legally, if I die before Hogan, he can go to my funeral and have a referee count a pin on my dead body. And if he goes before me, and I fucking hope he does, legally I have to go to his funeral and put his dead body on top of me and have a referee count that!"
"I took some time off to run for president, but had to withdraw after everyone started laughing when I said I really was serious about it," said Hogan. "On that same day, Vince McMahon created the Mister McMahon character, modelled on me, and Steve Austin created the Stone Cold character, also modelled on me, and RAW won the ratings for the first time in five years. They day I returned to Nitro and beat Kevin Nash into a coma using only one finger, the ratings turned around again and we were set to win, until that big stinky Vnce Russo got the book and ruined everything! I tried to work with him at first, man. I even did a clean job for Billy Rinky Dink Kidman after my cousin Mike Awesome gave me an Awesome Bomb through eight tables and the referee counted the pin at the speed of light! But then Russo rejected my idea to beat Kidman ten falls to zero in a ten minute iron man match. That's when I knew he didn't understand the business, brother."
"I'll give you the inside scoop, shooting from the hip, no kayfabe," said Vince Russo, unprompted. "That whole thing where Jeff Jarrett lay down for Hogan? A complete work. I know, right! You thought it was a shoot! We sure worked the marks on that one. In fact every single thing about that was a work, even Hogan storming out the building...except for one thing. When I called Hogan a 'bald son of a bitch' I was actually supposed to call him a 'baldING son of a bitch'! I shot on him there! Hogan was so outraged that he walked out on WCW and I saved the company from his evil ways and the next night Nitro's ratings were up a full one tenth of a point for one quarter!"
"People ask why I brought Hogan back in 2002," said Vince McMahon. "Why I thought it was a good idea to have the NWO in the WWF. Well, let me tell you...I can't remember. I'm sure I had a reason at the time though, damn it!"
"I came back out of charity, brother," said Hulk Hogan. "I saw that kid Rocky Miavia wrestling as a cleancut babyface, with his pineapple haircut, the fans chanting 'die, Rock, die' at him and I knew I had to help him, dude. So I wrestled him at WrestleMania in Toronto in front of a hundred and four thousand fans and I put that kid over in the biggest upset in wrestling history, and on that night The Rock was born and he eventually went on become the second biggest star in the history of the business, Jack! Of course I also posed at the end of the match to leech some heat off him, but he was just happy to get 50% of a rub, man!"
"I let Hulk beat me for the belt knowing that I'd get to beat Jericho another seven times and completely bury him as payback for him screwing me," said Triple H, explaining why Hogan got a title run in 2002. "It was worth it."
"I had a match with Vince McMahon at WrestleMania the next year, the first time Vince ever wrestled a match," lied Hogan. "Things went wrong when he hit me with a REAL steel pipe instead of a rubber one. I was so mad I started shooting on him with my legdrops I dropped. Shane had to come down and restrain me. Anyway, turned out the pipe actually WAS rubber, it's just that someone left it in a freezer by mistake so it went hard! Vince wouldn't accept my apology and fired me for real, so I came up with the Mr America thing as a way to come back. Vince knew it was me under the mask, but he never outright ASKED me straight if it was me, so legally he could say he didn't know it was me. It was genius! And that lie detector test was real, I was playing a rib on him with help my friend at the lie detector institute, brother!"
"I'm down with Christ but I'm NOT down with Hulkamania," said Shawn Michaels, speaking of their Summerslam match. "Was it unprofessional of me to oversell his every move and make him look like an idiot? Would Jesus have approved? Was it worth risking going to Hell just to make Hogan look silly in a wrestling match? Am I just asking questions because I don't know the answer and I'm hoping you'll move on?"
"Oh yeah, I had a match with Hogan at Summerslam the next year," said Randy Orton, when I reminded him that match existed. "It was shit."
"Anyway, I was done with wrestling forever now that I'd beaten all the biggest names, so I decided it was time to invent something new: REALITY TV!" said Hogan. "Nobody had heard of the stinking Kardashian or the Jenners or The Osbournes or Paris Hilton or Lionel Ritchie before I got the idea to film my family doing simple every day things and make another billion dollars out of it! Some of those simple every day things included: rubbing lotion deep into my daughter's back so she didn't get burned by the nasty sun, lying about every aspect of my existence, my son crippling some dude because my son was in fact an agent of karma, my wife cheating on me right behind my back and me cheating on her right in front of her back but she can't see because she's too busy cheating on me! Anyway, it was a lot of fun and changed television forever, but I also wanted to do some more wrestling and decided to take the rinky dink Total Non-Stop Tits And Ass NWA Impact wrestling or whatever it was called and make it huge like I did WCW! The difference was, this time they had a WOMAN running things, brother!"
"Hi, y'all!" said Dixie Carter. "Y'all want to know how we had Hulk Hogan, the biggest star in the history of the business, and it didn't make a difference at all, sugar? Politics, y'all! The networks all play politics to keep TNA from rising, y'all. I can't explain in full but I can say that Hulk Hogan was a real lovely proper gentleman to me! Never said anything racist at all unless he was making a hilarious joke! Yeah he had opinions on how we did things, I won't deny that. When he first showed up he took one look at our six sided rings and said 'What the fuck is this, dude? Rings don't get six side! If they got six sides on them, they're hexagons, brother! Change them to four sides or I quit, Jack!' I couldn't argue with that! Even though it cost a million dollar per ring, I had scientists come in and reshape every six sided ring we owned so that they had four sides. Then after I did that, somebody pointed out I could have just used the old four sided rings we used before we switched to six sides! And I said, I don't care it's my daddy's money anyway, y'all!"
"I know what you're doing, you know," said Hogan, suddenly turning hostile with this interviewer. "You just want to skip through boring topics like TNA and get to the part everyone wants to know about. You want to know the truth like they all do. You want to ask me WHAT CHA GONNA DO with the two hundred billion dollars Gawker have to pay me! Why, I'm going to start my own wrestling company employing the kids of all the guys I beat in the eighties, and I'm going to beat their stinking kids too! AHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Is Hulk a racist?" asked Bubba The Love Sponge. "No, seriously, I'm asking you. Is he? It's kind of ambiguous, you know? Like, maybe he's just really dumb. That could be it. I mean he somehow didn't notice an entire camera crew in my bedroom filming him every time he had sex with my wife!"
"Will I ever bring Hogan back?" asked Vince McMahon. "Why not. If Hunter can have Chris Benoit back on NXT, why can't I have Hogan back on RAW, pal? Wait, what do you mean Benoit isn't on NXT? I watched it on that damn Network! What do you mean I was watching a random episode of Nitro that was playing on the live feed at the time? What do you mean I din't understand technology? What do you mean I'm gone senile? Hogan back? Not after he filmed Rocky 3 without my permission, pal! Bob Backlund will be champion for life!"
And so ends the entire history of Hulk Hogan!
Back never with no Hot Newz seriously this is it bye!
