Showing posts with label William Regal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label William Regal. Show all posts
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Raw/Smackdown/NXT spoilers! 27/52012
OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that RAW and Smackdown were TAPED on one night this week! That's because Vince wanted Monday off to have a BBQ and Tuesday off to fire people who offended him at the BBQ (anyone who DIDN'T check out Steph's ass!) I was the ONLY wrestling journalist in attendance (I know all the others on sight, Meltzer's actually a black guy!) so I can now bring you an EXCLUSIVE report of this taping! And here it is!
The show started with Lilian about to sing the national anthem but then JOHN LAURENITUS interrupted and said "because of PEOPLE POWER there will be no national anthem!" then ripped up the stars and stripes(!) and walked backstage. This won't be on tv it was just for the fans in the arena so we knew to boo him!
The show started with the NXT TAPINGS of course and I was excited to see Maxine live in person and compare her to my mental memories (and mental masturwanks) of Layla and see who is hotter! But instead it was DEREK BATEMAN standing in the ring to open the show and I booed and swatted my gum into his hair. Bateman said "look, just because it's turned out that Johnny Curtis is actually a lot funnier than me and hell of a lot better in the ring than me, doesn't mean I'm useless! I'm still good at standing in the ring talking until Ryback comes out to squash me!" Then Ryback's music started and we all instantly started chanting "GOLDBERG", even kids who weren't born when Goldberg used to wrestle! To counter this, WWE tried to PIPE IN chants of "RYBACK" using pipes! But ironically the sound guy accidently played the taped "GOLDBERG" chants WCW used to play! So Ryback came out to DOUBLE Goldberg chants and looked DOUBLE PISSED and then we could briefly hear Vince shouting "YOU'RE FIRED, FATASS!" at the (fat) sound guy coming from the pipes!
Anyway, Ryback squashed Bateman with his clothesline and his stupid finisher then said "EAT. PRAY. LOVE." Then CURTIS HAWKINS and TYLER REX came out and Curtis acted like he was about to point at Ryback with his cane to set up a handicap tag match main event for next week but instead he pointed at REX with his Cane and Rex pointed at Curtis with his FOOT and Ryback looked confused!
FInally it was time for the NXT main event as TYSON KIDD came out and said "You know what? There might not be many people left on NXT now that Percy Watson's been released (check WWE.com for details!) but I still want to be THE KING of NXT so I challenge ANYONE in the back for that crown!" Then JOHNNY CURTIS came out but WITHOUT Maxine (BOO!) and said "You know what? I always wanted to be the king and maybe I'll make you my SEXY court jester! Let's get weird!" and rubbed himself like Goldust (he's gay now!) And Kidd and Johnny had a great 30 minute match to fill the rest of the show until they hit each other with DOUBLE DROPKICKS and both were down! Then MAXINE ran out (to 5% cheers because she's hot, 5% boos because she's a heel and 90% no reaction because she's on NXT) and hit a MAXINE MOONSAULT from the to rope on both men and WILLIAM REGAL rolled into the ring and counted three! Then Regal said "well done to the new QUEEN OF NXT, God save the Queen...of NXT!" and patted Maxine's ass and pulled a WOMAN'S CROWN out of his pants and gave it to Maxine and she put it on and waved!
Next it was time for RAW! The show started with BROCK LESNAR's music playing unexpectidly and BROCK LESNAR walking out to the ring! Lesnar said "you know what, I'm sick of this crap! I have nothing left to prove! I've shown I'm the best fighter in entertainment by beating John Cena and Triple H's arms! There's only ONE MAN who could possibly be a more entertaining man fighter than me...and it isn't Dan Severn! But that man isn't here tonight anyway...OR IS HE?" Then KEN SHAMROCK'S music played and Ken came out looking as good as ever (but also fifteen years older)! Ken said "you know what first of all SHUT UP! I was in the back visiting some old friends when I heard you talking crap and I decided I couldn't listen to that crap anymore so I came out here to tell you to shut up like I just did! And you might be the man who brings the pain, but i'm the man who brings the danger as I am the world's most dangerous man! You might have had a hard life because of people bullying you because of your uglyass tattoos, but I grew up on the streets! I lived in tin cans growing up! And you might have had Sable when she was past her prime, but I had my sister Ryan when she was in her prime! It's Knuckle Upple time!" Lesnar charged at Shamrock in a rage but Ken gave him a drop toehold into an anklelock and Lesnar tapped out RIGHT AWAY! Lesnar rolled out of the ring and said "I respect you, danger man!" and walked away (NOT SELLING THE ANKLE) without looking back! Then Shamrock did a spinaroonie just for the live audience.
After this Michael Cole got an email from the Anonymous General Manager(!) and for some reason there was a piece of paper in the GM laptop (must have a printer in there!) which he read from. "I can now officially announced that the previous segment FULFILLED Brock Lesnar's contractual obligations to the WWE and he will NEVER be seen again. We would like to thank Brock Lesnar for doing everything that was asked of him after he refused to do all the previous things we'd asked of him. Oh, and Paul Heyman's gone too." And sat down again. So Triple's arm won't get its win back!
Next up, John Lauraninetits came out (HEAVILY booed for his earlier flag antics!) and announced that John Cena will face Lord Tensai WITH ONE ARM TIED BEHIND HIS BACK tonight and up next yet another match between Kingston/Truth and Swagger/Ziggler since he can't think of anything else for them to do!
Kingston/Truth versus Swagger/Ziggler - Kingston and Truth were dominating with DOUBLE DROPKICKS until Vickie grabbed the mic and said "EXCUSE ME! Is the only reason the two of you are a tag team because you're both BLACK?" Then Kingston and Truth stared at each other for a long moment and deep down inside they both knew this was true and while they were distracted Swagger and Ziggler rolled them up for the double pin and became the new champions! Then Vickie said "ha, my plan worked!" and did a crotch chop but with her ass instead of her crotch!
Backstage AW was shown standing wtaching the monitor with Primo, Epico, Rosa (in a neck brace because she was in a car crash BUT WHO WAS THE OTHER DRIVER?!), Mason Ryan, Drew McIntyre, the debut of SETH ROLLINS and Maxine (without her crown because even though NXT is taped first it is actually aired AFTER RAW, just a little known fact for you!) Then Primo said "Uhh, how many more weeks are we going to just stand here watching monitors instead of wrestling in matches?" and AW said "EIGHT MORE WEEKS" and Primo looked sad.
EVE came out to the ring looking SEXY and EVIL in her glasses and everyone chanted "hoeski" because they don't respect women like I do (I chanted "HOTSKI!") Eve said "eww, stop looking at my hot body and hot glasses, I'll have security PEPPER SPRAY the eyes of anyone who looks at me!" Then security PEPPER SPRAYED a gay who was sitting next to me (I think he was a local indy worker plant though as he had "TOUGH TOM" tattooed on his thighs!) Then KELLY KELLY came out to a big pop and more "hotski" chants (not by me, I find her bland) and said "Eve, what happened to you Eve, you used to be cool, but now you're a bitch, did you catch bitchiness from one of the many cocks you've had up you?" Then Eve said "hang on, I need to use hairspray" and Kelly understood because even women who hate each other understand that sometimes you have to use hairspray, but then Eve SPRAYED the hair spray right in Kelly's eyes and said "oh hang on, better not get PEPPER in my hair, tee hee!" and did a sexy walk away from the ring! This is the start of a BLIND KELLY angle where she will date one of the USOs but accidentally sleep with the other!
CHRISTIAN came out to the ring to big boos even though he was acting like a face because none of us trusted him because he's a creepy little bastard! And Christian said "No, I've changed, I'm good now, I love you peeps!" and did the Peeps Salute but we thought it was a sarcastic salute and booed him! Then he ran over to a woman with a baby in the front row and said "see, I'm nice!" and started frantically KISSING the baby to prove it! But the mother SLAPPED him because it was a bit creepy (and a little bastardy!) and while Christian was reeling from that CODY RHODES suddenly ran down the barricade and gave him a Disaster Kick! Then Cody rolled Chrstian back into the ring and said "I'm having my rematch RIGHT NOW!" and the bell rang and he bent down to pick up Christian...and Christian rolled him up for the three! Then we all cheered Christian (even the mother!) because we all respect a guy who can win in three seconds! Then Cody said "You know what? I QUIT!" and took off his boots and threw them in the crowd (narrowly missing the baby!) and walked away.
CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan versus Kane triple threat non title match winner gets to pick the stipulations at No Way Out - This was set up by Lilian announcing it! Before the match, Punk said to Bryan "Look, we both know that whenever anyone hits Kane with a chair he becomes unstoppable and destroys his opponents. So let's both agree to NOT hit him with a chair in this match and we should be able to beat him because come on it's only Kane even Jack Swagger could beat him if he was getting a push probably!" And Bryan said "YES!" and they high fived! While they were high fiving, HORNSWOGGLE came out from under the ring with a little mini steel chair (aww, so cute!) and hit Kane with it! Kane went NUTS and gave Bryan and Punk THREE double chokeslams for the win! Then he said "at No Way Out it will be the three of us...in a triple threat CHAIR ON A POLE MATCH! HA HA HA!"
Backstage, Santino stole a slice of Ricardo Rodriguez's pizza and a wacky chase begun!
The Miz versus Brodus Clay again - Before the match The Miz declared "if I can't beat Brodus Clay tonight I am LEAVING the WWE FOREVER to film The Marine 3 as GI Joe has been pushed back a year and this means The Marine 3 can be the big summer blockbuster! Don't worry, we can get it finished in a month!" But then Brodus LAY DOWN to let The Miz pin him as he didn't want The Marine 3 to ever get made! But then Miz gave Brodus a knee to the balls for the DQ because he REALLY WANTS to become the Mizrine! Then Cameron and Naomi sang the "na na na goodbye" song like SOUL SINGERS would and Miz moonwalked up the stage and saluted the fans like a marine and some people actually cheered and some even cried as they realised him much they will miss The Miz.
Backstage Vince McMahon told The Miz that Drew McIntyre was going to be The Marine (The McMarine!) instead and Miz was going to FCW.
John Cena with one hand tied behind his back versus Lord Tensai - Big Johnny came out with handcuffs and ORDERED Cena to handcuff one hand behind his back. Cena then grabbed JOHNNY'S hand and handcuffed it to Cena's hand with Cena's back facing Johnny! Then Cena said "that's right, you said I had to have one hand hancuffed behind my back...but you never said WHOSE hand! I obeyed the letter of the law, sucker!" Then Lord Tensai spat mist on his own hand (he stole this from Japanese legend Giant Baby by the way!) and went for the claw on Cena but Cena DUCKED and PULLED Big Johnny into the claw using the handcuffs and Big Johnny tapped out right away! But then Lilian announced "as Big Johnny was handcuffed to John Cena he therefore counts as a part of Cena's body and therefore the winner by tapout...LORD TENSAI!" to keep Lord Tensai's important winning streak going!
Next it was time for Smackdown! John Laughingninetits came out to open the show (NOT selling the claw!) and said "Tonight was supposed to see an obvious main event of Randy Orton and Shameus verus Alberto Del Rio and Chris Jericho. However this past week at a show in Brazil Chris Jericho disgraced himself by humping the Brazilain flag, farting on the Brazilian flag, humping the Brazilian flag again, smelling his own crotch and saying "smells like fart, baby!", and mistaking a real cop for a local indy wrestler dressed as a cop and attempting to give him a Codebreaker and falling on his ass. What kind of a man would do that to a flag!? As a result I have supsended Jericho for SIX MONTHS and his place will be taken by a mystery opponent tonight. People Power!"
Backstage, Ricardo finally caught Santino (remember this will air days later so it will look Ricardo was chasing Santino for four days!) and said "eww, I don't want my pizza now!" and Santino said "how about you be my NEW TAG PARTNER instead?" and Ricardo said "okay!" and they hugged!
Santino and Ricardo versus Darren Young and Titus O'Neil - Santino and Ricardo beat the promising young team in two minuts with their finisher which is Santino hitting the Cobra at the same time as Ricardo hits a wedgie! Then after the match Ricardo looked at Santino's ass and WINKED to the fans and this is the start of a new gay angle that will finally get the WWE another GLAAD award like Billy and Chuck did!
Aksanka and Antonio came out and Aksanka said "haha, I love money and sex! And with Teddy Long the only thing of his I SUCKED...was money out of his wallet! Haha!" Then Teddy interrupted and said "you konw what I'm sick of this crap, I went out and found me a HERO to take out Antonio for me!" and the Hurricane's old music played and CHRIS HERO came out dressed as a super hiro (mask, cape, underpants over his tights!) This new character is because Vince finally saw the Christopher Reeve Superman and thinks superheros are cool now! Hero hit a roaring elbow RIGHT AWAY to pin Antonio! Then Teddy said "Haha, looks like you have no one to buy you crotchless panties now, Aksanka!" But then Aksanka said "Ooooh, you are MY hero, Chris!" and he smiled and gave Teddy a roaring eblow and Aksanka stood on Teddy's back to reach Chris Hero's mouth and make out with him!
Next up LAYLA came out to the ring to the biggest pop yet! Layla said "Cheerio! You know what I've beaten every Diva now and maybe all the other Divas SUCK except for me!" This was the very start of her coming HEEL TURN but the fans cheered anyway becuase it's true...until MAXINE (WITH crown as this show airs after NXT!) came out and said "not QUITE every Diva!" Then Layla said "oh come on, Maxine, you might be Queen of NXT but I'm English and I know a thing or two about Queens and I am the REAL QUEEN of arse-kicking!" THen Maxine said "stop that, don't be nasty to me, that's bad KARMA for you!" Then Layla looked around scared and said "Karma? WHERE!" Then Maxine giggled (and it was a sexy giggle!) and said "not here anyway, creative has nothing for her!" Then Layla and Maxine both started laughing together! But when Maxine turned her back, Layla grabbed her hair (A HEEL MOVE) and gave her the LAYOUT and said "let that be a warning to you, missy!" And this left the fans confused, not just because of Layla's heelish tendencies but also because Maxine might actually be HOTTER than Layla and I could see men all around me trying to work out who was hotter, doing masturwank mathematics in their heads to calculate who they should cheer!
Damien Shadow versus Alex Riley - Damien won in eight seconds with his move then said "only an EDUCATED MAN could defeat a speciman such as I!" and Booker T stood up and said "I'd like to test that theory, SUCKAAAAAA!" So that's another match for No Way Out!
Backstage CM Punk was hanging out with AJ and he said "boy, I'm still hurting from all those chokeslams, I could do with a massage right now!" and AJ said "close your eyes and you'll get a BIG surprise!" so Punk closed his eyes and then there was a close up on his face as he said "oooh, ooooooooh yeah, that feels soooooo good, what a sensual massage!" and was making sex faces...but then the camera pulled back to show THE GREAT KHALI was the one giving the massage as AJ stood to the side smiling!
Big Show versus Zach Ryder - Ryder grabbed the mic and said "Big Bro, I know you aren't really evil, I think big Johnny HYPNOTISED you into punching Cena! You can prove you're not hypnotised by NOT punching my annoying face right now!" Then Big Show punched his annoying face.
Before the MAIN EVENT Big Johnny came out and said "and here is the mystery man...SIN CARA!" Sin Cara came out and but right away CODY RHODES (with new GREEN boots) jumped off the Titan Tron giving him a Disaster Kick! Then Cody took Sin Cara's mask and said "I AM the new Sin Cara because I will make people pay for their SINS and I don't CARE-A about anyone!"
Randy Orton and Shameus versus Alberto Del Rio and Cody "Sin Cara" Rhodes - They had a NORMAL MATCH until TED DEBIASE ran in wearing Cody's old face mask for some reason and headbutted Orton and said "LEGACY is back!" Then Cody said "no it's not!" and they started fighting. Then Del Rio pinned a distracted Sheamus with the BACKSTABBER! Should be a great No Way Out!
Can't wait to see it all again on tv!
I'll never ever ever be back ever again with more Hot Newz, bye forever see you then!
The show started with Lilian about to sing the national anthem but then JOHN LAURENITUS interrupted and said "because of PEOPLE POWER there will be no national anthem!" then ripped up the stars and stripes(!) and walked backstage. This won't be on tv it was just for the fans in the arena so we knew to boo him!
The show started with the NXT TAPINGS of course and I was excited to see Maxine live in person and compare her to my mental memories (and mental masturwanks) of Layla and see who is hotter! But instead it was DEREK BATEMAN standing in the ring to open the show and I booed and swatted my gum into his hair. Bateman said "look, just because it's turned out that Johnny Curtis is actually a lot funnier than me and hell of a lot better in the ring than me, doesn't mean I'm useless! I'm still good at standing in the ring talking until Ryback comes out to squash me!" Then Ryback's music started and we all instantly started chanting "GOLDBERG", even kids who weren't born when Goldberg used to wrestle! To counter this, WWE tried to PIPE IN chants of "RYBACK" using pipes! But ironically the sound guy accidently played the taped "GOLDBERG" chants WCW used to play! So Ryback came out to DOUBLE Goldberg chants and looked DOUBLE PISSED and then we could briefly hear Vince shouting "YOU'RE FIRED, FATASS!" at the (fat) sound guy coming from the pipes!
Anyway, Ryback squashed Bateman with his clothesline and his stupid finisher then said "EAT. PRAY. LOVE." Then CURTIS HAWKINS and TYLER REX came out and Curtis acted like he was about to point at Ryback with his cane to set up a handicap tag match main event for next week but instead he pointed at REX with his Cane and Rex pointed at Curtis with his FOOT and Ryback looked confused!
FInally it was time for the NXT main event as TYSON KIDD came out and said "You know what? There might not be many people left on NXT now that Percy Watson's been released (check WWE.com for details!) but I still want to be THE KING of NXT so I challenge ANYONE in the back for that crown!" Then JOHNNY CURTIS came out but WITHOUT Maxine (BOO!) and said "You know what? I always wanted to be the king and maybe I'll make you my SEXY court jester! Let's get weird!" and rubbed himself like Goldust (he's gay now!) And Kidd and Johnny had a great 30 minute match to fill the rest of the show until they hit each other with DOUBLE DROPKICKS and both were down! Then MAXINE ran out (to 5% cheers because she's hot, 5% boos because she's a heel and 90% no reaction because she's on NXT) and hit a MAXINE MOONSAULT from the to rope on both men and WILLIAM REGAL rolled into the ring and counted three! Then Regal said "well done to the new QUEEN OF NXT, God save the Queen...of NXT!" and patted Maxine's ass and pulled a WOMAN'S CROWN out of his pants and gave it to Maxine and she put it on and waved!
Next it was time for RAW! The show started with BROCK LESNAR's music playing unexpectidly and BROCK LESNAR walking out to the ring! Lesnar said "you know what, I'm sick of this crap! I have nothing left to prove! I've shown I'm the best fighter in entertainment by beating John Cena and Triple H's arms! There's only ONE MAN who could possibly be a more entertaining man fighter than me...and it isn't Dan Severn! But that man isn't here tonight anyway...OR IS HE?" Then KEN SHAMROCK'S music played and Ken came out looking as good as ever (but also fifteen years older)! Ken said "you know what first of all SHUT UP! I was in the back visiting some old friends when I heard you talking crap and I decided I couldn't listen to that crap anymore so I came out here to tell you to shut up like I just did! And you might be the man who brings the pain, but i'm the man who brings the danger as I am the world's most dangerous man! You might have had a hard life because of people bullying you because of your uglyass tattoos, but I grew up on the streets! I lived in tin cans growing up! And you might have had Sable when she was past her prime, but I had my sister Ryan when she was in her prime! It's Knuckle Upple time!" Lesnar charged at Shamrock in a rage but Ken gave him a drop toehold into an anklelock and Lesnar tapped out RIGHT AWAY! Lesnar rolled out of the ring and said "I respect you, danger man!" and walked away (NOT SELLING THE ANKLE) without looking back! Then Shamrock did a spinaroonie just for the live audience.
After this Michael Cole got an email from the Anonymous General Manager(!) and for some reason there was a piece of paper in the GM laptop (must have a printer in there!) which he read from. "I can now officially announced that the previous segment FULFILLED Brock Lesnar's contractual obligations to the WWE and he will NEVER be seen again. We would like to thank Brock Lesnar for doing everything that was asked of him after he refused to do all the previous things we'd asked of him. Oh, and Paul Heyman's gone too." And sat down again. So Triple's arm won't get its win back!
Next up, John Lauraninetits came out (HEAVILY booed for his earlier flag antics!) and announced that John Cena will face Lord Tensai WITH ONE ARM TIED BEHIND HIS BACK tonight and up next yet another match between Kingston/Truth and Swagger/Ziggler since he can't think of anything else for them to do!
Kingston/Truth versus Swagger/Ziggler - Kingston and Truth were dominating with DOUBLE DROPKICKS until Vickie grabbed the mic and said "EXCUSE ME! Is the only reason the two of you are a tag team because you're both BLACK?" Then Kingston and Truth stared at each other for a long moment and deep down inside they both knew this was true and while they were distracted Swagger and Ziggler rolled them up for the double pin and became the new champions! Then Vickie said "ha, my plan worked!" and did a crotch chop but with her ass instead of her crotch!
Backstage AW was shown standing wtaching the monitor with Primo, Epico, Rosa (in a neck brace because she was in a car crash BUT WHO WAS THE OTHER DRIVER?!), Mason Ryan, Drew McIntyre, the debut of SETH ROLLINS and Maxine (without her crown because even though NXT is taped first it is actually aired AFTER RAW, just a little known fact for you!) Then Primo said "Uhh, how many more weeks are we going to just stand here watching monitors instead of wrestling in matches?" and AW said "EIGHT MORE WEEKS" and Primo looked sad.
EVE came out to the ring looking SEXY and EVIL in her glasses and everyone chanted "hoeski" because they don't respect women like I do (I chanted "HOTSKI!") Eve said "eww, stop looking at my hot body and hot glasses, I'll have security PEPPER SPRAY the eyes of anyone who looks at me!" Then security PEPPER SPRAYED a gay who was sitting next to me (I think he was a local indy worker plant though as he had "TOUGH TOM" tattooed on his thighs!) Then KELLY KELLY came out to a big pop and more "hotski" chants (not by me, I find her bland) and said "Eve, what happened to you Eve, you used to be cool, but now you're a bitch, did you catch bitchiness from one of the many cocks you've had up you?" Then Eve said "hang on, I need to use hairspray" and Kelly understood because even women who hate each other understand that sometimes you have to use hairspray, but then Eve SPRAYED the hair spray right in Kelly's eyes and said "oh hang on, better not get PEPPER in my hair, tee hee!" and did a sexy walk away from the ring! This is the start of a BLIND KELLY angle where she will date one of the USOs but accidentally sleep with the other!
CHRISTIAN came out to the ring to big boos even though he was acting like a face because none of us trusted him because he's a creepy little bastard! And Christian said "No, I've changed, I'm good now, I love you peeps!" and did the Peeps Salute but we thought it was a sarcastic salute and booed him! Then he ran over to a woman with a baby in the front row and said "see, I'm nice!" and started frantically KISSING the baby to prove it! But the mother SLAPPED him because it was a bit creepy (and a little bastardy!) and while Christian was reeling from that CODY RHODES suddenly ran down the barricade and gave him a Disaster Kick! Then Cody rolled Chrstian back into the ring and said "I'm having my rematch RIGHT NOW!" and the bell rang and he bent down to pick up Christian...and Christian rolled him up for the three! Then we all cheered Christian (even the mother!) because we all respect a guy who can win in three seconds! Then Cody said "You know what? I QUIT!" and took off his boots and threw them in the crowd (narrowly missing the baby!) and walked away.
CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan versus Kane triple threat non title match winner gets to pick the stipulations at No Way Out - This was set up by Lilian announcing it! Before the match, Punk said to Bryan "Look, we both know that whenever anyone hits Kane with a chair he becomes unstoppable and destroys his opponents. So let's both agree to NOT hit him with a chair in this match and we should be able to beat him because come on it's only Kane even Jack Swagger could beat him if he was getting a push probably!" And Bryan said "YES!" and they high fived! While they were high fiving, HORNSWOGGLE came out from under the ring with a little mini steel chair (aww, so cute!) and hit Kane with it! Kane went NUTS and gave Bryan and Punk THREE double chokeslams for the win! Then he said "at No Way Out it will be the three of us...in a triple threat CHAIR ON A POLE MATCH! HA HA HA!"
Backstage, Santino stole a slice of Ricardo Rodriguez's pizza and a wacky chase begun!
The Miz versus Brodus Clay again - Before the match The Miz declared "if I can't beat Brodus Clay tonight I am LEAVING the WWE FOREVER to film The Marine 3 as GI Joe has been pushed back a year and this means The Marine 3 can be the big summer blockbuster! Don't worry, we can get it finished in a month!" But then Brodus LAY DOWN to let The Miz pin him as he didn't want The Marine 3 to ever get made! But then Miz gave Brodus a knee to the balls for the DQ because he REALLY WANTS to become the Mizrine! Then Cameron and Naomi sang the "na na na goodbye" song like SOUL SINGERS would and Miz moonwalked up the stage and saluted the fans like a marine and some people actually cheered and some even cried as they realised him much they will miss The Miz.
Backstage Vince McMahon told The Miz that Drew McIntyre was going to be The Marine (The McMarine!) instead and Miz was going to FCW.
John Cena with one hand tied behind his back versus Lord Tensai - Big Johnny came out with handcuffs and ORDERED Cena to handcuff one hand behind his back. Cena then grabbed JOHNNY'S hand and handcuffed it to Cena's hand with Cena's back facing Johnny! Then Cena said "that's right, you said I had to have one hand hancuffed behind my back...but you never said WHOSE hand! I obeyed the letter of the law, sucker!" Then Lord Tensai spat mist on his own hand (he stole this from Japanese legend Giant Baby by the way!) and went for the claw on Cena but Cena DUCKED and PULLED Big Johnny into the claw using the handcuffs and Big Johnny tapped out right away! But then Lilian announced "as Big Johnny was handcuffed to John Cena he therefore counts as a part of Cena's body and therefore the winner by tapout...LORD TENSAI!" to keep Lord Tensai's important winning streak going!
Next it was time for Smackdown! John Laughingninetits came out to open the show (NOT selling the claw!) and said "Tonight was supposed to see an obvious main event of Randy Orton and Shameus verus Alberto Del Rio and Chris Jericho. However this past week at a show in Brazil Chris Jericho disgraced himself by humping the Brazilain flag, farting on the Brazilian flag, humping the Brazilian flag again, smelling his own crotch and saying "smells like fart, baby!", and mistaking a real cop for a local indy wrestler dressed as a cop and attempting to give him a Codebreaker and falling on his ass. What kind of a man would do that to a flag!? As a result I have supsended Jericho for SIX MONTHS and his place will be taken by a mystery opponent tonight. People Power!"
Backstage, Ricardo finally caught Santino (remember this will air days later so it will look Ricardo was chasing Santino for four days!) and said "eww, I don't want my pizza now!" and Santino said "how about you be my NEW TAG PARTNER instead?" and Ricardo said "okay!" and they hugged!
Santino and Ricardo versus Darren Young and Titus O'Neil - Santino and Ricardo beat the promising young team in two minuts with their finisher which is Santino hitting the Cobra at the same time as Ricardo hits a wedgie! Then after the match Ricardo looked at Santino's ass and WINKED to the fans and this is the start of a new gay angle that will finally get the WWE another GLAAD award like Billy and Chuck did!
Aksanka and Antonio came out and Aksanka said "haha, I love money and sex! And with Teddy Long the only thing of his I SUCKED...was money out of his wallet! Haha!" Then Teddy interrupted and said "you konw what I'm sick of this crap, I went out and found me a HERO to take out Antonio for me!" and the Hurricane's old music played and CHRIS HERO came out dressed as a super hiro (mask, cape, underpants over his tights!) This new character is because Vince finally saw the Christopher Reeve Superman and thinks superheros are cool now! Hero hit a roaring elbow RIGHT AWAY to pin Antonio! Then Teddy said "Haha, looks like you have no one to buy you crotchless panties now, Aksanka!" But then Aksanka said "Ooooh, you are MY hero, Chris!" and he smiled and gave Teddy a roaring eblow and Aksanka stood on Teddy's back to reach Chris Hero's mouth and make out with him!
Next up LAYLA came out to the ring to the biggest pop yet! Layla said "Cheerio! You know what I've beaten every Diva now and maybe all the other Divas SUCK except for me!" This was the very start of her coming HEEL TURN but the fans cheered anyway becuase it's true...until MAXINE (WITH crown as this show airs after NXT!) came out and said "not QUITE every Diva!" Then Layla said "oh come on, Maxine, you might be Queen of NXT but I'm English and I know a thing or two about Queens and I am the REAL QUEEN of arse-kicking!" THen Maxine said "stop that, don't be nasty to me, that's bad KARMA for you!" Then Layla looked around scared and said "Karma? WHERE!" Then Maxine giggled (and it was a sexy giggle!) and said "not here anyway, creative has nothing for her!" Then Layla and Maxine both started laughing together! But when Maxine turned her back, Layla grabbed her hair (A HEEL MOVE) and gave her the LAYOUT and said "let that be a warning to you, missy!" And this left the fans confused, not just because of Layla's heelish tendencies but also because Maxine might actually be HOTTER than Layla and I could see men all around me trying to work out who was hotter, doing masturwank mathematics in their heads to calculate who they should cheer!
Damien Shadow versus Alex Riley - Damien won in eight seconds with his move then said "only an EDUCATED MAN could defeat a speciman such as I!" and Booker T stood up and said "I'd like to test that theory, SUCKAAAAAA!" So that's another match for No Way Out!
Backstage CM Punk was hanging out with AJ and he said "boy, I'm still hurting from all those chokeslams, I could do with a massage right now!" and AJ said "close your eyes and you'll get a BIG surprise!" so Punk closed his eyes and then there was a close up on his face as he said "oooh, ooooooooh yeah, that feels soooooo good, what a sensual massage!" and was making sex faces...but then the camera pulled back to show THE GREAT KHALI was the one giving the massage as AJ stood to the side smiling!
Big Show versus Zach Ryder - Ryder grabbed the mic and said "Big Bro, I know you aren't really evil, I think big Johnny HYPNOTISED you into punching Cena! You can prove you're not hypnotised by NOT punching my annoying face right now!" Then Big Show punched his annoying face.
Before the MAIN EVENT Big Johnny came out and said "and here is the mystery man...SIN CARA!" Sin Cara came out and but right away CODY RHODES (with new GREEN boots) jumped off the Titan Tron giving him a Disaster Kick! Then Cody took Sin Cara's mask and said "I AM the new Sin Cara because I will make people pay for their SINS and I don't CARE-A about anyone!"
Randy Orton and Shameus versus Alberto Del Rio and Cody "Sin Cara" Rhodes - They had a NORMAL MATCH until TED DEBIASE ran in wearing Cody's old face mask for some reason and headbutted Orton and said "LEGACY is back!" Then Cody said "no it's not!" and they started fighting. Then Del Rio pinned a distracted Sheamus with the BACKSTABBER! Should be a great No Way Out!
Can't wait to see it all again on tv!
I'll never ever ever be back ever again with more Hot Newz, bye forever see you then!
TAZZ TO RETURN TO WWE FOR "WHO'S THE WORST ANNOUNCER EVER?" BATTLE WITH BOOKER T!? ROH, DRAGON GATE USA AND EVOLVE MERGE INTO ONE PROMOTION, FOUR PEOPLE NOTICE? JERICHO OFFERS TO MAKE IT UP TO BRAZIL WITH A FREE FOZZY CONCERT, THEY BAN HIM FROM EVER RETURNING? LESNAR SET FOR SHOCKING NFL RETURN? I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT TNA AS IT'S SO AWFUL THAT I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT IN A YEAR? PLUS HOT PICS OF SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S ASS FROM THAT TIME SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GUEST HOST RAW TO PROMOTE THE AVENGERS BUT WALKED OUT AFTER READING THE SCRIPT AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!
Friday, 16 October 2009
24/5/08
OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz this week is Shawn Michaels' FOENEY knee injury! Shawn didn't want to do the JOB to Batista because he's up to his old tricks so he faked an injury in the middle of the match and said he couldn't take the Batista bomb because it would "snap his leg" but he could still kick Batista and pin him and he did that! And even Vince McMahon was disgusted and said "I THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD CHRISTIAN KID NOW, YOU JABRONI!" and kicked Shawn's leg right out from under his leg! Ironically enough this resulted in a REAL knee injury to Shawn and he is now in considerable pain at all times but no one believes him becaue he's the boy who cried worf and he was forced to wrestle Jericho at Judgement Day even though it could have ended his career! Serves him right for screwing Sid out of the title in 97 if you ask me!
Jeff Hardy is back from his drug suspension! Jeff has PROMISED to never do any drugs again or at least do all his drugs five minutes AFTER the test so that they'll be out of his system by the next test, which is a very good thing of him to do!
BREAKING NEWZ: William Regal is now suspended in Hardy's place! Apparently the WWE can only have one guy suspended for drugs at a time so that's why they had to wait for Jeff to come back so they could suspend Regal. This explains why he was acting so erratic as GM I suppose! It is not known at this time if Regal was mashing his drugs into his dinner and eating them, but if that was what he was doing it would make him a dinnermasher!
Michael Hayes has been suspended for racism! Hayes has used the "but black people can use the N word so whites should be able to as well!" defense to MIXED SUCCESS (not mixed race marriages, he doesn't approve of them!) backstage with Stephanie McMahon taking Hayes' side (because she's a stupid bitch) and everyone else siding with Mark Henry (because they're scared of him!)
Ultimate Warrior is making a comeback! Warrior is being trained by RVD who is teaching him how to do the same six moves sloppily in every match like RVD can do...which is DOUBLE the amount of moves Warrior USED to do be able to do sloppily! He will feud with Samoa Joe and HOPEFULLY end that fat man's title reign with his new finsiher, the Roll Of The Dice!
Jonathon Coachman has been BULLIED out of the WWE forever by Michael Cole! Coach just couldn't take the verbal abuse frome Cole on commentary anymore so left for a LAME job with ESPN or something! As a tribute to the Coach, I proudly present the top three Coach moments of all time!
3) That time he managed Garrison Cade for about a month for no reason.
2) That time he was booked to beat old Stone Cold at Taboo Sunday but the rattlesnake walked out so Coach brought in Goldust and Fat Vader for a match with Batista for some reason and Vader kept falling over!
1) I can't think of anymore.
We'll miss you, Coach!
I went to a TNA house show last week! It has been said online by many respected journalists that TNA house shows are MUCH better than there tv shows because they just let the wrestlers wrestle with NO stupid gimmicks so I was pretty optimistic going in!
Right at the start, DON WEST and Mikey Tenay came out to a big pop and a few boos and some groans and one "you can't an-nounce!" chant (from me!) Mike took the mic but then West just grabbed it off him and said "IT IS GREAT TO BE BACK IN LAS VEGAS! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, USUALLY TNA HOUSE SHOWS HAVE NOTHING BUT GREAT WRESTLING FROM START TO FINISH. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? TONIGHT WE DECIDED TO FUCK THAT SHIT AND DO SOME CRAZY GIMMICKS! THAT'S RIGHT, I JUST SWORE, FUCK IT YEAH, IT'S A HOUSE SHOW AND I CAN SAY AND DO WHATEVER I FUCKDAMN PLEASE, WHOOO!" then he pulled his shirt off(!) and dropped trou(!) and started strutting around the ring doing crotch chops! Then Mike took the mic and said "Haha, what a crazy guy! But I love him like a brother! Let me explain what's happening tonight: there will be a bunch of tag matches between regular teams and, yes, miss-matched partners! Now, the winning team in each match will go on to a steel cage battle royal later tonight! However, the two members of the losing team will have to face off against each other in a stipulation match chosen by the winning team! And oh yeah, the steel cage battle royal will be a DOUBLE ELIMINATION battle royal where you have to be thrown out over the cage TWICE to be eliminated and the winner gets a shot at Samoa Joe in an iron man match in the main event, to the back!" Then West grabbed the Mike and squeezed his balls(!) making him drop the mic and he grabbed that and said "NOT ONLY THAT MIKE YOU SEXY MAN, NOT ONY WILL THE WINNER GET A TITLE MATCH, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY OF ALL HE WILL WIN A DATE, A HOT DATE, WITH NONE OTHER THAN SO CAL VAL, MAN I'D LIKE TO HIT THAT!" Then West clutched his chest and fell on the mat like he was having a worked heart attack (he was) and VELVET LOVE and ANGELINA SKY ran out dressed as SEX NURSES and Angelina said "looks like he's going to need some ORAL PERSUASION to save his life!" and was about to kiss him when the LIGHTS WENT OFF (I started a "Will-iam Reg-al!" chant) and when they came back on MATT MORGAN was in the ring with Angelina and Velvet on each shoulder and they were wearing summer dresses now for some reason and Don and Mike were sitting at ringside all sweaty!
First match was Team 3D versus the Mortar City Machine Guns! The Dudleyz were playing face for some reason and kept shouting "we love you fans!" and the Machine Guns hit about 39 finishing moves on D-Von (stopping to point at their hands after and indeed during each one) for a one count and then Bubba just slapped Alex Shelly hard across the face and got the pin! Then Bubba said "and now you two little pick-pockets, you will face each other in the deadliest match of them all...an ARM WRESTLING match!"
So next was Alex Shelly versus Chris Sabin in an arm wrestling match and they just kept pointing at their hands rather than lock up so I started a "we want arm wrestling!" chant and finally they went at it and Sabin won in three seconds and they hugged afterwards but can they ever be the same again!?
Second tag match was Stone Cold Steve Shark Boy and Jay Lethal versus Sonjay Dutt and Freddie Kazarian! Before the match Lethal said to Sonjay "hey man, we cool? We cool man? Yeah man, we cool!" and they hugged but during the match Sonjay went for an anansi moonsault to the floor on Lethal but he missed and landed on So Cal Val (who was at ringside!) in the 69 position! Then Don West pulled him off and said "NOT UNTIL YOU WIN THIS TOURNAMENT, MANDAWG!" and Shark Boy hit da shrimper or whatever gay name he calls the stunner on Freddie for the win! Lethal was so angry about the 69 that he said "right now, Sonjay and Freddie, you got to wrestle each other...in a DEATH match, where the winner is the first not to die!"
So next was Sonjay versus Kaz in a death match where the winner is the first not to die and Kaz was going to play dead to give Sonjay the win so no one would have to die but Sonjay pulled out an AXE and smiled like a maniac to show his darkside but then Kaz just rolled him up for the pin anyway and ran away and Don West said "WE FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YOU CAN ALSO WIN A DEATH MATCH BE PINFALL, MIKE." Match of the night so far.
Next was BJ James and Awesome Kong (wow, continuity from Sacrifice!) versus AJ Styles and Tomko! And before the match BJ said "well let's face it, I'm fat, I'm old, I've only got three moves, my best days were in 1998 and I sucked then too! The only was we can possibly win is if my, hehe, beautiful partner Awesome Kong wrestles the whole match because she might be a woman, but she's better than me!" And Kong DID wrestle the whole match and WON with an awesome bomb on Styles after a mysterious masked man holding a brown paper bag appeared at the top of the stage and Tomko ran after him! Then Kong took the mic and said (wait a minute, she can't speak! They totally broke kayfabe again on this show!) "you really think me beautiful, BJ? Then how about AJ and Tomko fighting in a...KISS MATCH!" Then she kissed BJ and he got hard!
So next was AJ versus Tomko in a KISS match where you win by kissing your opponent (obviously!) and AJ went for the kiss early but Tomko kicked him in the face then he went for the kiss but AJ ducked and Tomko kissed some girl in the crowd (eww, cooties!) and then AJ went for a SPRINGBOARD KISS but Tomko pulled out the brown paper bag and hit AJ with it in MID AIR knocking him out then Tomko kissed the unconsicous AJ (for way too long!) and won the match! Then Tomko opened up the brown bag and inside was KAREN ANGLE'S HIGH HEEL SHOE what could this mean!?
Another tag match (boy I wasn't getting sick of those or nothing!) next with miss-matched partners Kip Jammes and Kevin Nash versus the Rock and Rave Infusion! Right at the start Nash said "LOOK the only reason I'm here is a contractual obligation, you think I'm going to wrestle in front of two hundred people in Buttfuck, Florida, of course not, you're lucky I even wore clothes today, you're on your own Mister Ass! Oh, and if I had wrestled, I wouldn't have turned on you, I would have turned you ON, you homo!" and just walked away! So Kip had to win it on his own...and did with a pedigree on Rave! Then he said "that's right, I'm the real Triple H and that stands for one Happy Healthy Homosexual! That's right, I'm coming out right now so let's get this party started!" and he made out with Jeremy Borash and the crowd cheered his bravery. Then Kipp said "and now you two can fight each other in a tolerance match!"
So next was Hoyt versus Rave in a tolerance match and Hoyt asked the referee what that was and the ref just shrugged and Rave rolled up a confused Hoyt for the pin! Then Hoyt said "hey, I'm not tolerant of that!" and was about to turn on him when Christy Hemme (WHO IS HOT) ran out with Guitar Hero guitars and the music came on and all three danced in the ring like Rikishi and Too Cool only lamer playing the toy guitars! Then Christy did the splits.
Next up was the team of BEST FRIENDS Rhino and Christian Cage (remember when everyone thought he should be a main eventer in WWE? LOL!) taking on LAX and YES Airiel is the hottest woman in wrestling bar NONE, thanks for asking, and she shook herself at me and some of her sweat flew off her breasts and landed on me! Anyway even though LAX are the NEW tag champions and the kings of DEUCES WILD then still lost clean when Rhina GORED Homicide (who is only about four foot tall in peson) righ out of his boots! Then Christian said "well seeing as you two like to rerference Eddie Guerrero so much, how about you fight right now in an EDDIE GUERRERO REFERENCE match!
So next was Homicide versus Hermandez in an Eddie Guerrero reference match and Homicide went for the triple verticals and the froglash but Hermandez stole a chain from Homicide and hit him with it then told the refereree he didn't do it and got the pin. You see, he lied, he cheated and he stole! Then Hector Guerrero said "hehe, that was great. And you know what else? I was sleeping with Vickie all along too!" And there was just an awkward silence.
Final tag match was Booker T and Black Rain (OMG Booker and Goldust reunited and it feels so good!) against Scott Steiner and little Petey Pee-Pee! THis one went all of four intense minutes before Rellick (that's Kciller spelt backwards!) ran out and tried to hit Pete with a brick but Petey ducked and the brick hit Raindust. The brick then shattered into DUST because it was a FAKE brick and Rellick was going to double cross Black Rain by hitting Petey (it wouldn't have hurt him and would have given Petey the power of SURPRISE!) with it but it hit Black Rain instead but the dust got in his eyes and Steiner rolled him up for the pin! Then Steiner said "man that finish was so confusing that I need to have a nap now! Petey, book the match!" and Petey shrugged and said "umm, how about...a Rellick on a poll match?"
So next was Booker T versus Black Rain in a Rellick on a poll match but they didn't have a poll so Rellick had to stand on the turnbuckle and he fell off every time someone hit the ropes! The match ended when Booker just said "man, I used to be in the WWE, I don't need this shit" and walked out, leaving Black Rain looking confused. Then Rellick fell off the turnbuckle again as a distraction.
Next was a six Divas OH SORRY I MEAN KNOCKOUT tag match with Gail Kim, ODB (who smells real bad in person, talk about dedication to character!) and Baldie Roxxi versu Amazing Kong, Angelina Sky and Velvet Love! A lot of fans started a "you're still sexy!" chant at Roxxi so I started a "no she is-n't!" chant in response. Also Angelina Sky is really hot and high workrate in person so I started a "next Trish Stratu-us" chant at her and she smiled and wiggled her ass. Anyway this was of course the best match of the night and Gail Kim did a spinning armbar and everything and in the end Roxxi pinned one of the sluts with pedigree (hmm) then started crying and I shouted "she's so emo she probably cut her own hair!" and Gail Kim laughed!
Next up KURT ANGLE made an unexpected trip to the ring by walking to the ring and he said "listen up you jackclowns! Just because my neck is broken into two freaking pieces, doesn't mean I can't come out here and entertain you all by talking about my wife Karen and our sex life! And by that I mean our LACK of a sex life, considering she's sleeping in a different bed to me! In a different building! I have to stay up all night watching my matches on YouTube to feel any kind of sexual pleasure! Don't laugh! But now I've found love in a different place and a different kind of way! No Borash, don't get excited, it's not the kind of way you and Mister Sulu have found love! I have a NEW girlfriend who is a hundred times better at the sexual arts than Karen and I have her name, her identity, all her details in this BROWN ENVELOPE!" And he pulled out a brown envelope(!) and said "The name of her identity IS..." but before he could say anything JEFF JARRETT (oh God no) rolled out from under the ring and smashed a guitar into a million pieces literally over Kurt's head and ripped up the envelope and said "You're not going to reveal the name of her identity, Kurt, I'm not going to to let that happen, slapnuts! Uhh, Kurt?" But Angle wasn't moving! "Kurt? OH NO! SOMEONE GET A DOCTOR! This guitar...it was supposed to be a fake guitar...but someone swapped it for a REAL guitar! It was a real guitar! A REAL GUITAR!" and he craddled Kurt in his arms! And Borash filmed all this so look for it to air on tv soon it was quite a hot angle!
FINALLY it was time for the double elimination cage battle royal to determine who faces Samoa Joe in an IRON MAN match as the main event! And because this is TNA and they are INNOVATORS it was a special cage with EXTRA BARS to make it more dangerous...so many bars that we couldn't even seen what was going on inside! Now that's innovation! So I decided to go and get some SNACK TREATS instead of watching the match and also to load up on food before the one hour iron man main event! Anyway by the time I got back Christian and Scott Steiner were the only ones left in the cage and Steiner picked up Christian and pressed him above his head then somehow threw Christian from the ring RIGHT OVER the top of the cage in an amazing feat of strength and Christian went through four tables on the way down! Then the cage raised up and Steiner said "Samoa Joe, you faaaaat ass, bring your faaaaat ass out here so I can kick your faaaaat ass, you half-breed half-human!"
So now it was the MAIN EVENT an iron man match between Steiner and Joe and Borash said "and now for our main event which, due to time constraints, will now be a TEN MINUTE iron man match!" I felt so ripped off that I started a "I feel so ripped-off!" chant! Anyway maybe it was for the best since Steiner got blown up after two minutes (well it was his third match of the night, GIVE HIM A BREAK) and had to go outside the ring for a break (they gave him a break!) and so Petey could sponge his muscles but he stayed out the ring for too long and was counted out! Then for the next seven gruelling minutes Scott tried to even it up with suplex after suplex after botched suplex until Borash said "time up, Joe wins!" Then Joe danced in the ring with his Samoan dancers but it was nowhere near as good as when the Rick and Rave and Christy guys danced LET ALONE Too Cool and Rikishi so I left in disgust before he'd even finished dancing and later some girl who I met at the show (and YES she was hot) called and said that after I left Sting came down from the rafters and "Let's Dance!" by David Bowie played and he joined in but frankly I think she made that up in an attempt to impress me (when really she should have just sent me some naughty pics on her camera phone to impress me)!
It was the best TNA house show I've ever been to!
Now for my special Hot Newz Rantloaded Rant for Judgemeant Day! Rantloaded is a NEW CONCEPT I have divised where I will review what DID happen and then reviews that SHOULD OF hizzappened! It will change the face of internet reviewing!
Before I start properly I want to compliment the WWE on the obvious Super Mario Galaxy inspired set and graphics they used for this ppv! However the song they used SUCKED and they should of used the Super Mario Galaxy theme instead!
John Cena versus JBL
What happened: ZZZZ! JBL just hit Cena with kicks and forearms for like half an hour and even a full nelson (a rib on Chris Masters, obviously)! Cena might be a good seller but that's only because he's a whining, emo punkass biatch! He eventually hit the FU for the win and that was the ONLY move the entire match! **1/2
What should have happened: JBL should've of grabbed the mic and say "Listen up Marine, we could have a boring half hour wrestling match, or you could be a man and take me on in a STREET FIGHT!" and then they have a WILD STREE FIGHT including hitting each other in the head with stuff and blood and FINLAY running in and finally getting revenge on JBL by swinging Hornswoggle right into his balls! And then Cena hits a FU right through the top of the limo (limo's have thin roofs!) but when he opens the door to go inside and pin him CHARLIE HASS jumps out and gives him a COP KILLA on the conrete and JBL gets the pin! This would start a hot new feud between Cena and the UNDERRATED workrate machine Haas where Cena finally learns to be a good worker! ****1/2
Miz and Morrison versus CM Punk and Kane
What happened: This was an OKAY match since Miz and Morrison are the new Edge and Christian and they aired the DIRT SHEET~!~!~!~! before the match which added a full star! Miz and Morrison did lots of cool double teams to really innovate the scene (I can't remember what they were though) and Punk was really CRISP and PRECISE and Kane sucked but at least he did a seated dropkick to throw a bone to the workrate crowd (me). Morrison pinned Punk CLEAN with a variation of the Roll The Dice (obviously) since Punk is in the dog house for sleeping with all the Divas (he is currently dating Maryse but two-timing her with Layla!) and not drinking enough beer (or any)! ***
What should have happened: Kane should have worked the entire match with Miz and Morrison DESTROYING the old fossil with thier 21st century Brisco-brother style technical double teams until FINALLY he makes a fluke tag to Punk...who instantly hits Kane over the head with the Money In the Bank briefcase, shattering it into literally PIECES then saying "listen up you big fried freak! I'm cashing in my shot at you RIGHT NOW, you Red Robot!" then just pins Kane right away and is the new ECW champion! Then Punk hugs and dances with Miz and Morrison and says "that's right! We're the new hotness because we're straight edge and we're sexier than you and we're taking over because we are GENERATION DIRT!" then they all do the Generation Dirt hand signal! ****1/2
Shawn Michaels versus Chris Jericho
What happened: This was a GOOD MATCH but too SLOW PACED as usual in the WWE and if it had taken place in ROH it would have kicked more ass! Also no one turned which was annoying because they have been building this story up like someone is going to turn heel and the fans have been JONESING for a heel turn but instead they got nothing, like sex without an orgasm you could say! Shawn won with a small package! ****
What should have happened: They would have wrestled TWICE AS FAST with twices as many moves until TRISH STRATUS (recently signed to a new contract by ME) walks to the ring and JR says "GOOD TO SEE TRISH STRATUS BACK IN THE WWE WHERE SHE BELONGS, KING, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL, KIND, TONED YOUNG WOMAN!" Then Trish gets in the ring and TURNS on Shawn by chick kicking his leg right out from under his leg! And JR says "DAMN IT TO HELL, WHAT A JEZASLUT, WHAT A WHOREBELL, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT HUSSY DID SUCH A THING, TAKE HER TO THE WOODSHED SHAWN, TAKE HER OUT BACK AND HIT HER WITH SOME WOOD, HARD!" Then Jericho and Trish MAKE OUT because they have finally both turned heel at the same time and got together after years of courting and Miz, Morrison and Punk run into the ring and help them throw Shawn through a table then they all hug and do the Generation Dirt hand signal! ****1/2
Mickie James versus Melina versus BETH PHOENIX, THE GLAMAZON
What happened: They had a good match, ENTIRELY carried by the Glamazon (at one point she LITERALLY carried the other two on her shoulders)! However it still wasn't as good as even the worst Astonishing Kong match and the WWE Diva division will NEVER beat the Knockout division until they have the guts to hire UGLY women who can wrestle again like they used to (Molly Holly, DX Tori)! Mickie won with a fake looking DDT.***
What should ahve happened: The match should have been TWICE as long and the Glamazon should have won with a double brainbustaaa~!~!~! because she is the perfect combination of workrate and being hot enough to masturwank over!****1/2
Undertaker versus Edge for the vacant World title!
What happened: This was a good match thanks to Edge who was trained in the dungeon by Stu and Helen like all Canadian wrestlers, but the finish (Taker won by countout) SUCKED and was an insult to my intelligence and even the intelligence of those with AVERAGE intelligence!***
What should have happened: They should have had the same match but faster and with more moves (this applies to every match on the show, really) and when Taker hits a chokeslam VICKIE GUERRERO comes shooting down the ramp on her wheelchair but is going too fast and crashed right into the side of the ring like Mankind did when he rode a stretcher down the ramp in 98 if you were born then! Foley could mention this on commentary since it would be another chance to put himself over. Then Taker goes for "there's that submission hold!" but remembers he can't do it at the last moment and this has left him in perfect position for Edge to lock on the SHARPSHOOTER like a good Canadian! Vickie is supposed to say "RING THE BELL!" but she's still unconscious or possibly on a COMMA so instead Edge just keeps it on for TEN MINUTES until Taker passes out from the pain! Then Edge grabs the belt and grabs Vickie who is still out and says "come on, let's celebrate like we ALWAYS do!" and Hawkings and Ryder say "but she's out cold!" and Edge raises an eyebrow at them and they say "OOOH, now we get it!" and smile evily and all carry Vickie backstage!****1/2
Jeff Hardy versus MVP
What happened: This was a surprisingly good bonus match because at least Jeff didn't stop during the middle of the match to take drugs or anything! I also noticed that Hardy gave his hanky to a fan at ringisde before the match and I wonder if that was a signal to that fan to come backstage and have sex with him afterwards? I didn't see if it was a male or female but I suppose that doesn't matter to the Enigmatic Charisma! Jeff won with the whisper in the wind that didn't actually touch MVP at all but MVP had to stay down because he's best friends with Michael Hayes and being punished!***
What should have happened: This match never should have happened at all! Instead they should have put on the ADVERTISED bonus of Big Show versus Mark Henry because a LOT of people probably ordered this show to see that battle of the giants and were disappointed when it didn't happen! And Big Show should have won SPINNING chokeslam then afterwards you see MICHAEL HAYES watched the replay of Show chokeslamming Henry again and again and again on a monitor for five minutes and laughing and laughing but then teh camera pans up and you see Mark Henry standing behind Hayes cracking his kunckles and his nipples and Hayes GULPS in fear and somehow Ron Simmons appears on the monitor and says "HAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, DAMN!"****1/2
HHH versus Randy Orton
What happened: ZZZZZZZ! We start with a snoozer and we END with a snoozer! This was like every other HHH match since his debut in 1992 at TERROR LEVEL RISING and he hit all the same moves he's been doing for the last twenty years and poor Orton was BURIED like he was no better than Booker T! Extra * for the blood though!*
What should have happened: DUH! RKO off the top of the cage, CLEAN win, HHH retires, Orton turns FACE and declares war on Generation Dirt and mocks their hand signal!
THUMBS MILDLY IN THE MIDDLE DROOPING DOWN for the show, TWELVE THUMBS FULLY ERECT AND UP for my version!
And now for this month's interview with Hulk Hogan! Hogan, or The Huckster as he likes to be known, has gone through some hard times lately with his son Nick being sent to COUNTY JAIL (he's lucky Big Bossman isn't still alive and still a prison guard!), his wife leaving him and The Ultimate Warrior having more of a future in the wrestling business than him! But on the bright side he is rumored to be dating a HOT YOUNG STAR who is friends with his average looking daughter and he's still got American Gladiators until it gets cancelled so let's catch up with him!
Me: Hello, is this the Hulkster?
Hogan: That's correct, brother.
Me: It really is, you said "brother" and everything!
Hogan: How are things, dude?
Me: Things are GREAT for me but they suck for you, brother! How does it feel having a son in county jail?
Hogan: Listen, Nasty Nick will do his time, dude, and then the Lord will set him a new path to walk. Now that's all I have to say on the subject. Let's talk about American Gladiators, brother.
Me: Let's not, it sucks! How do you cope with life now that it has turned on you?
Hogan: I still say my prayers, eat my vitamins and believe in my self like always, brother!
Me: Well religion isn't cool in the 21st century and they have a wellness policy testing against vitamins, brother! So tell me about your HOT young blond girlfriend...
Hogan: I'm not going to tell you about her, brother...
Me: I heard a rumor that she is Hayden Panettiere from Heroes!
Hogan: That's not true, brother, but that Hayden Paintedover girl does have a tidy little ass, dude. If the Showster wanted, he could hit that.
Me: Laugh out loud, you really are still down with the kids! You...hey, wait a minute...the Showster!? This isn't Hogan at all! This is Big Show doing Hogan's voice!
Big Show: Okay, okay, you caught me out!
Me: You big stinky nasty giant, how dare you deceive me!
Big Show: Just having a little joke! LIKE YOUR PENIS! I'm house sitting for Hulk while he films Gladiators.
Me: Don't you mean you're HIDING in his house from FLYOD MAYWEATHER, you yellow-bellied coward?
Big Show: Hey! I gave him a sideslam and a few chops!
Me: It should have been a SHOOT match like your sumo WAR against Akebono!
Big Show: Uhh, what?
Me: You know, that time you...hey, wait a minute, you're not Big Show at all, you really are Hogan!
Hogan: Haha, you caught me out again, brother! I was just having a laugh!
Me: How dare you again! Have you lost your mind now that your family's deserted you or been locked up?
Hogan: My mind is more mighty than ever, brother. And soon I'll open up my own wrestling company with Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs, Brutus the Nasty Beefcake and John Tenta, brother!
Me: Tenta's dead!
Hogan: DEAD excited about being a part of my wrestling company, chap!
Me: No, just dead...hang on, "chap"? Hogan would never say a queer Brit word like that! You're reall...
William Regal: Okay, you caught me out. Good show old boy! Pip pip!
Me: Regal! But what are you doing in Hogan's house!?
Regal: I broke in to raid the medicine cabinet!
Me: You scallywag!
Regal: I've eaten all his fish and chips too!
Me: Hogan has fish and chips!?
Regal: Bloody good stuff, too! Now hang up before the police trace the call!
Me: Why did you answer the phone in the first place?
Regal: Too many questions! Bugger off!
Me: Hey, wait a minute, you're not Regal at all, you're...TAZZ!
Regal: No, it really is Regal.
Me: Oh.
PHONECALL ENDS
What a confusing and disappointing phonecall!
Well I'll be back in Jizzune with more Hot Newz or maybe Jizzuly who knows but it'll definitely be a month with "jizz" in it, well every month has jizz in it when I'm involved if you know what I mean, see you soon!
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