Royal Rumble 2014

OMFLOLFGOMFG I AM BIZZACK WITH MORE HOT NEWZ!!!!!!!1  Bet you NEVER EVAAAR thought you'd see Hot Newz back here agayne did you!  Well ONE THING and ONE THING only has brought me back here and that is the return of BIG TISTA (Batista)!!!!!!!!!  Batista is a MANLY MAN I have always looked up to who once would walk around backstage and would have a different Diva to blow him in every room!  Sure he got his ass-kicked by Booker T one time but he was probably tried going into the fight from all the BANGING he'd been doing!  Batista is now a GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE in some comic book movie for NERDS and FAKE GEEK GIRLS so he's had to come back to WWE to prove he's still a REAL MAN by winning pre-determined staged wrestling matches!  I can't hardly wait!

The WWE Network is finally lunching!  The Network will only cost ten bucks a month which is so cheap that even JTG will be able to afford it!  EVERY wrestling match EVER except those from TNA, ROH, New Japan, All Japan and Nazi Japan (a short-lived fed in the mid nineties owned by Dick Togo that Sabu wrestled for!) will be avaiable to watch AT ANY TIME and the servers will never crash once, not even when a million people try to watch WrestleMania at the same time!  Best of all the Network will include CHRIS BENOIT matches and finally we can go back and rediscover the fact that he did far too many German suplexes towards the end of his career!

Katilyn has been released!  Katilin was one of the finest, most sexiest, Divas around but she REFUSED to go on Total Divas and show her private life (which since we know nothing about it, I can only assume involved LESBIANISM!) so Triple H told her to get the F out (he fired her!)  You might also be wondering where the lovely Layla is!  Layla was actually released from HER contract six months ago when she turned 36 and Vince said "CHRIST THAT'S OLDER THAN LINDA WAS THE LAST TIME I BANGED HER" but she was made to sign a ONE YEAR no compete clause because Vince knew that even a 36 year old Layla in TNA could turn the ratings around!  So there's just six months to go before we find out if a 37 year old Layla in TNA can turn the ratings around (spoiler: she can't!)

Now it's time for my FULL and exclusive Royal Rumble spoilers!

The Big Show versus Brock Lesnar - Lesnar does a belly to belly suplex so Cole can say "I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DO THAT TO THE BIG SHOW BEFORE" even though Lesnar did it eleven years ago!   Big Show makes a comeback by hiptossing Lesnar (Cole: "NEVER BEFORE...") and he goes for the knockout punch but Lesnar DUCKS and Show punches the turnbuckle hurts his fist and Lesnar rolls him up with his feet on the ropes for the pin!  Then Heyman sneakily removes a GOLD BAR he'd hidden in the turnbuckle knowing Show would accidentally punch it!  Then Heyman says "as Brock Lesnar qualified for the Royal Rumble eleven years ago by beating the Big Show in a match if you remember, we have decided that Brock Lesnar will AGAIN be in the Royal Rumble THIS YEAR and by that I mean he's going to be in tonight's Rumble match!" and Lesnar says "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Daniel Bryan versus Bray Wyatt - Bryan wins in four seconds with a RUNNING SMALLPACKAGE!  Wyatt then smiles and pulls a cellphone out from between his buttcheeks (eww!) and says "I'm putting the call in.  I need you to take the TRASH out tonight!"

Backstage Kane is GLOATING to his OLD FRIEND Daniel Bryan that CM Punk is going to be number one in the Royal Rumble, while Bryan draws HIS number out of a big tumblr and Bryan looks at his number and SMILES then Kane looks at it and SMILES too but then AJ Lee runs up and starts CHEST SLAPPING them both like a girl crying "neither of you were as good in bed as CM!"  But this is just a distraction because you see Punk SNEAK UP and SWAP his number with Bryan's then he walks away LAUGHING to himself and Bryan and Kane grab AJ and pick her up and carry her away(!?) and Bryan says "It's time AJ experienced some DOUBLE TEAMING!"

John Cena veruss Randy Orton in a NO COUNT OUT NO TIME LIMIT match - Lilian says  the "NO COUNT OUT NO TIME LIMIT" part really loudly so that teh rubes understand!  They have an EXCITING 30 minute matches where they each hit all their moves and the other guy kicks out!  Then finally Orton gets bored and RUNS AWAY up the aisle but Cena RUNS AFTER HIM and you see Randy jump on a MOTORBIKE and ride away!  Then Cena fins the only car is a cop car so he drags the cop out of it and says "officer, I have the utmost respect for you and the law!" and gives the cop an AA on the floor and donut powder flies everywhere!  Cena then stealst he cop car and chases after Orton!  This is important later!

Backstage again we see Kane and Bryan EATING POPCORN watching as THE BELLA TWINS practice double team moves on AJ!  It wasn't rape after all!

Royal Rumble Match - Number 1 is Daniel Bryan who gets the whole crowd chanting "yes!" in the way he does!  Number 2 is Santino Marella who is BACK and he kicks Bryan's ass for two minutes with fireman's carries and hiptosses until Bryan dropkicks him out the ring!  Then Michael Cole says "hey, I'm going to get a selfie with Santino while he's out here!" and jumps in front of him but Santino REFUSES THE SELFIE!  This is the start of Santino's heel turn (only a heel could refuse a selfie!) and he will be the evil Italian foreign heel Hulk Hogan faces at WrestleMania!  For number 3 THE WYATT FAMILY MUSIC plays and Daniel Bryan stares INTENSELY down the aisle but then the lights come back in and DUKE THE DUMPSTER DROESE (because Bryan looked like him when he was in his Wyatt overalls okay that's the joke) is standing in the ring and he hits Bryan with a garbage can and Bryan goes flying over the top rope!  Then he empties the garbage on Bryan and it's pig shit!  Then the fans groan and you hear Vince McMahon's voice speaking over Cole's headset and he says "we booked him to eliminate a big star like Santino but the fans still don't care about him!  I give up on Daniel Bryan!"  Don't worry though because this is a SPORKED SHOOT and Bryan will turn heel and join the Wyatt's (again!) and be in Bray's corner when Bray wrestles The Undertaker at WrestleMania (no Bryan match on the card obviously!) but will turn face AGAIN when he raises Undertaker's hand in victory after the match and Undertaker fist bumps him to give him THE RUB!  Number 4 is The Miz.  Number 5 is Dolph Ziggler and he dropkicks the Dumpster out to a MIXED reaction because even though the fans are angry at the Dumpster for eliminating Daniel Bryan they still think he's kind of cool!

Number 6 is Kofi Kingston and Dolph backdrops him out right away just to get the Kofi Spot over with but Kofi HOVERS in mid air with his feet not touching the ground and just stands there LEVITATING above the floor!  Kofi then jumps back onto the apron and BACKDROPS Dolph out and there's a loud SHATTERING as Dolph crashes through the GLASS TABLE Kofi set up outside the ring to do his magician spot!  Dolph then BLADES HIS BACK but it's not shown on camera of course but the fans in the arena see it to create a BUZZ about Dolph's bleeding back which will be the talk of the internet!  Number 7 is Goldust.  Number 8 is An Uso.  Number 9 is THE REAL SIN CARA who had a special contract that says he must compete in the Royal Rumble even if he's been replaced by a new Sin Cara!  And he doesn't give a fuck anymore and he comes out smoking a cigarette and he pulls his mask off and he has a HITLER MOUSTACHE on underneath because he's trying to ruin the Rumble by being naughty!  Number 10 is Brotus Clay and he POPS A KIDS'S BALLOON on the way to the ring to prove how evil he is, but JBL shouts "you stole that from Big Bully Busick!" so he SPITS IN JBL'S COWBOY HAT as revenge!  Thne the next day on WWE.com it is announced that Brotus has been fined fifty thousand dollars for spitting because that's not PG!

Number 11 is Curtis Axel who comes out carrying a mysterious sceptre in a storyline that will be explained in the weeks to come!  Number 12 is THE ANIMAN BATISTA and he gives EVeryoNe a spinebuster starting with The Miz!  He STACKS FOOLS UP with spinebusters so that eventually everyone is lying in a pile with Miz on the bottom and an Uso on top!  Batista then goes outside the ring and starts to LIFT the ring on one side to TIP the ring over so that the pile of spinebusted fools will TOPPLE and they'll all fall over the top rope and be eliminated!  He's practical!  But then BROCK LESNAR comes crashing through the barricade shattering it at knee level and right into a chopblock (a chopBROCK!?) on Batista's knee!  Brock then puts The Kimura on Batista's leg and you hear his leg POP and it's broken and Batista is carried away on FOUR stretchers because he's so big!  Can Batista recover in time to have a disappointing match with Brock at Wrestlemania?  I hope so!  Number 13 Brock's music plays because he was number 13!  Lesnar starts picking up fools off the top of the stack of fools, starting with An Uso, and giving them F-5's over the top rope!   He eliminates An Uso, Brotus, Curtis Axel, Goldust, Kofi and The Real Sin Cara (who NO SELLS the F5 when he is eliminated because he's still shooting and runs off through the crowd high fiving the men and making out with the women!)  Before he can eliminate Miz it's time for number 14 and there's the sound of a lear jet landing(!?) and "did you smell what the Rock was cooking?" (his new theme!) plays and THE ROCK sprints down to the ring and backdrops Lesnar out and grabs a mic and says "WE ARE LIVE!  Brock!  You!  Me!  WrestleMania!  Next year!  I'm too damn busy this year!  2015!  See you then!  Paul Walker, The Rock loves you!" then jumps over the top rope and runs backstage again and you hear his jet taking off!  Number 15 is Xavier Woods and the Miz puts him in a figure four for two minutes!

Number 16 is R TRUTH and he's carrying a Funkadactyl on each arm!  He unties Woods from the figure four and says "damn, your leg is too hurt for you to dance!" and Miz says "aww, shucks, if i'd known my figure four would have hurt your dancing I never would have done it!" and Truth says "I guess Miz will just have to step in!" and Miz says "okay, Ron!" and Truth says "don't use my real name, MIKE!" and Miz says "Haha, you got me there, bro!" and Woods says "what the fuck are you two talking about?"  Number 17 is SCOTT 2 HOTTY in one of those surprise appearances no one cares about five minutes later and he gives shades to Truth, Miz and Woods and all GET JIGGY WITH IT (Woods dances sitting down!) for two minutes!  Number 18 is an Uso.  Dancing.  Number 19 is Damien Shadow and he won't stand for any CHILDISH dancing and he eliminates Scotty 2 Hotty to get massive heat from people who care about Scotty 2 Hotty (so from EVERYOENE then since the five minutes aren't up yet!  Number 20 is Cody Rhodes and him and Damien go at it to remind everyone of their epic feud!

Number 21 is Michael Cole and he explains "I entered myself in the Rumble so I could take a selfie of myself in the Rumble!"  He gets in the ring and takes a selfie with everyone in the ring and they all pose and smile for the selfie even Damien to foreshadow his coming face turn!  Number 22 is RYBACK (AT LAST!) and he comes out with one side of his body painted as the Ultimate Warrior and one side painted as Goldberg!  And he tweets "this is because we haven't decided if I'm SQUASHING Golberg or Warrior at Wrestlemania yet hahahaha!" when he gets in the ring.  (In fact this is a swerve and Ryback will actually take on THE SHOCKMASTER at Wrestlemania!  Shockmaster will trip and fall getting into the ring and his helmet rolls off and Ryback laughs and says "now to eat you!"  But then when Shockmaster stands up it's reveal that he is SID and he POWERBOMBS Ryback and pins him with one foot and says "do onto the MAN as he would do onto YOU but you see I AM THE MAN and I'm doing onto you before you do onto ME because yo'ure NOT the man but I'm doing it onto YOU anyway, MAN!"  Anyway!)  Michael Cole sneaks up behind Ryback and eliminates him while he's tweeting!  Cole then climbs over the top rope to eliminate himself because he's a gentleman!  Number 23 is CM Punk and he improbably eliminates everyone in the ring single-handidly rendering the entire match meaningless up until this point!  Number 24 is BAD NEWS BARRETT and he comes out on his big lifting thing and he's HIGH UP looking down on the ring and he says "The bad news?  Is that I'm just going to sit here on my crane thing until everyone else is eliminated and I'll be the winner and the worst winner since 1999 at that!"  Then TEDDY LONG comes out and says "hold on a minute, playa!  Now the rules of the Royal Rumble CLEARY state that if you're OVER the top rope you're ELIMINATED once your feet touch the floor!  Well playa, it looks to me like your crane thing is OVER the top rope and way up in the sky!  So unless you can get to the ring without your feet touching the floor you're ELIMINATED!" and does the Teddy Long shuffle!  Then Barrett looks angry and tries to JUMP to the ring but he comes up short (by thirty feet!) and lands on a huge crash mat which is hidden by CLEVER CAMERA WORK and this is so he can disappear for three months because let's face it the Bad Newz Barrett gimmick is shit and he'll come back after WrestleMania as Lock, Stock and Barret since Vince has finally seen Guy Ritchie movies and the details of that gimmick are still being worked out!  Number 25 is Seth Rollins.

Number 26 is Dean Ambrose (hmm.)  Number 27 is Alberto Del Rio.  Number 28 is Jack Swagger.  All the heels TEAM UP to destroy Punk because they don't want him dropping another pipe bomb and putting their jobs at risk!  Number 28 is Antonio Cesaro and suddenly he PUMPS UP and charges to the ring to save Punk because this is his face turn!  He gives Seth Rollins a Giant Swing with NINETY NINE revolutions (saving one hundred for WrestleMania when he takes on Fandango!) ending with swinging him right over the top!  And Punk eliminates Swagger and Del Rio with one arm each on a double clothesline!  Number 29 is Fandango and he throws DANCER DUST in Cesaro's face to blind him then eliminates himself eliminating Cesaro to set up their WrestleMania match!  Number 30 is Big E Langstrom and Cole says "there's literally no chance Big E won't win now!"  But then VICKIE GUERRERO comes out and says "excuse me!  I have decided there will be a number 31 because I have AUTHORITy here he is excuse me!" and it's BRAY WYATT because Vickie's in the Wyatt family now!  Bray eliminates Big E (Cole: "...") then he and Dean Ambrose CIRCLE around Punk SMILING and LIPPING THEIR EVIL LIPS and Bray says "guess what, Vickie has said Luke Harper and Eric Rowan will be number 32!"  Then it cuts backstage and you see Luke and Eric both lying unconscioius and a doctor says "I think they've both been given a DDT!" and JAKE THE SNAKE walks out slowly waving his snake!  But before he can make it to the ring Roman Reigns runs in through the crowd and SPEARS Punk into the top rope and the top rope SNAPS and both Punk and Reigns hit the floor and a referee says "that counts as an elimination!" then Triple H comes out and says "oh yeah, Roman Reigns is number 33 BEST FOR BUSINESS!"  Then Jake finally gets in the ring and gives Dean Ambrose a DDT but then staggers back and falls over the second rope (which is now the top rope!) and Bray Wyatt eliminates Ambrose to win(!?)...

Then "HERE COMES THE MONEY!" plays and SHANE MCMAHON comes out and says "I'm back!  I brought golf to Japan but now I'm back to do something on the WWE Network and I'm fine with this life choice and also Bray Wyatt you own't win because MY POPS doesn't wnat you main eventing WrestleMania you incest face!" and charges into the ring and gives Bray the Super Shane Spear!  And the top rope elbow which looks shit but still better than Punks!  Then KANE'S music plays and KANE comes out on the stage in a suit and says "actually Shane...I'M WINNING the Rumble!  Remember that time I shocked your balls?  This will be worse!" and his pulls his suit off and it's just one of those break apart suits sexy male strippers wear and he has his gear on underneath and he chokeslams Shane over the top (second) rope to eliminate him...then Bray Wyatt eliminates Kane because he was still in too and Brays win!  Then Bray says "I'm going after the only title that matters at WrestleMania...The Undertaker's winning streak HAHA!"

But while Bray is celebrating RANDY ORTON rides down to the ring on his bike and slides inside and throws Bray out then JOHN CENA drives down the aisle in his cop car and it crashes into the ring and bursts into flames and Cena walks through the fire!  Remember their match DIDN'T FINISH earlier on so Cena quickyl gives Orton an Attitude Adjustment over the top rope onto the flaming cop car killing Orton(!?) and says "ORTON!  ME!  YOU!  WRESTLEMANIA!  IRON MAN FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH!"  And does this mean Cena actually won the Rumble instead of Bray?  Tune in to RAW To find out!

Sounds like a great Rumble! B ack never with no Hot Newz ever seriously this is the last one ever bye!

STING SIGNED FROM WWE BUT TO START AT THE BOTTOM ON NXT IN FEUD WITH CJ PARKER AND LOSE EVERY MATCH FOR SIX MONTHS?  JR TO CRYPTICALLY HINT AT SOMETHING ONLINE BY OVERUSING THE WORD "FOLKS"?  JERICHO TO BE OBNOXIOUS ON TWITTER?  TNA STILL EXISTS?  DOLPH ZIGGLER TO SIT DOWN NEXT TO ZACH RYDER BACKSTAGE, SIGH TO HIMSELF, RYDER TO TURN TO HIM AND SAY "SO HOW'S YOUR PUSH GOING?"  COLE TO TAKE A SELFIE OF HIMSELF IN A HOTEL ROOM BUT IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY AT THE MIRROR YOU CAN SEE A REFLECTION OF A NAKED HEIDENREICH?  HULK HOGAN TO INDUCT WARRIOR INTO HALL OF FAME BUT ONLY IF BROOKE HOGAN IS SIGNED BY THE WWE AND BEATS AJ AT WRESTLEMANIA?  AND ACTUAL REAL NUDE HOT NAKED PICS WITH NO CLOTHES ON OF ME, HOT NEWZ, EATING A CHEESBURGER AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

Summerslam 2012

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3/6/2011

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that Chyna, who at one time was not only the most famous woman in wrestling but the most famous woman in THE WORLD, has finally returned to sports entertainment! It might be hard to believe now that she's an aged mess who can barely move but at one time Chyna was the greatest female worker on Earth! She had the size of Awesome Kong, the technical abilities of Layla and the looks of Beth Phoenix The Glamazon all rolled into one! She was the FIRST woman to ever get physical with the men by giving them forearms behind the ref's back and lowblows during Triple H's boring 1997 matches! Miss Elizabeth and Alundra Blaze never did that! Even Sunny, who had HUGE TITS, wasn't as influential as Chyna! Here is a quick look at the history of Chyna's career!

1996 - Triple H sees Chyna in a bar and thinks she's a man at first but then realises she's a woman. He says "you look exactly like a man but you're actually a woman? YOU'RE MY DREAM GIRL, HAVE SEX WITH ME!" and Chyna says "okay!"

1997 - Chyna makes her WWF (as it was known back then, a little known fact for you!) debut at WrestleMania 13 by SQUASHING Marlena "Terri" Reynolds with a bearhug, breaking six of Marlena's ribs, puncturing a lung and givng her a concussion! Someone then realizes it would be a good idea to teach Chyna how to work before letting her hit anyone else so she is sent to Triple H's uncle Killer Koala (who also trained such stars as Perry Sattellite and Sim Snuka!) who teaches her how to throw a forearm behind the referee's back and hit lowblows! These moves make Chyna the most popular woman in THE WORLD beating even Madonna and Princess Diana (before AND AFTER her death!) DX is formed so that Shawn Michaels and HHH can leech off of Chyna's heat!

1998 - The tv series Xena: Warrior Princess is created, based on Chyna's life story. Chyna beats Mark Henry at In Your House: Rock Bottom in a jumbo-sized vibrator on a pole match (oh Russo!) then sticks the vibrator where the sun don't shine (in his mouth)! Then sticks the pole up his ass!

1999 - Chyna carries Chris Jericho to the best matches of his career at Survivor Series and In Your House: VaChyna Envy. WCW sign a muscular woman and call her "Pacific Rim" to rival Chyna, but viewers notice how lame she is in comparison and WCW's ratings fall dramatically. Triple H notices that Stephanie McMahon's name has the sound "man" in it but she looks like a hot woman and also is filthy rich and the boss's daughter and gets her drunk in Las Vegas and marries her! Stephanie falls in love with him because none of her previous wrestling loves (we all know who I mean!) ever did that second part for her!

2000 - Chyna is depsuhed and jobs to Crash Holly in the shower (24/7 hardcore rules, baby!) To get back at Hunter, Chyna starts a real life affair with Eddie Guerrero (an upset Vickie Guerrero starts a real life affair with Rey Mysterio who fathers Dominic with her!) Eddie cheats on her with Victoria (back when she was still hot!) in a shower. Chyna gets her own back by appeaing in PlayBoy and looking sexier than ten Sable and eight Torrie Wilsons!

2001 - Chyna breaks her neck FOR REAL in a match with Ivory and is forced to retire from wrestling forever. Chyna sleeps with X-Pac to "get back at the world."

2002 onwards - Chyna becomes the world's biggest (I mean in terms of size, not success!) porn star in a series of movies titled: One Night In Chyna, Two Nights In Chyna, One Sack In X-Pac (guest starring Justin Credible's ballsack!), Chyna-ese DemocSEXY, Screama: Warrior Incest and The Complete And Utter Degradation Of Chyna As A Woman And A Human Being! Fortunately now that Chyna's a wrestler again she'll never have to do one of these movies again and her life be perfect forever!

In tragic newz, Layla's career may be over! Layla was the hardest (and hottest!) working woman in wrestling, competing over 300 times a year for the last six months! Doctors told her to slow down but Layla said "NO, DAMN IT, I HAVE TO GIVE THE FANS WHAT THEY WANT!" and refushed to lower her workrate. Sadly her (hot) body couldn't handle it anymore and she tore both her legs in two during her match with Michelle McCool but STILL finished the match and ended McCool's career becasue she cares about the fans THAT MUCH! Layla will undergo PIONEERING surgery that will let her walk and compete again, though I'm fearful that her doctor will be some kind of SEX PERVERT who just wants a chance to touch her legs while she's under during surgery! Layla being gone means there's a slot (or should I say SLUT!?) open as Hot Newz's number one Diva/Knockout...and perhaps only the combined hotness of the Bella Twins can fill that positon! In fact, yes, they're much hotter than Layla ever was now (it's that little dance they do during their entrace!) and I don't even miss Layla at all now!

Randy Macho Man Savage has died! Savage is remember as being one of the greatest in-ring performers and biggest personalities in wresting history. And also for his eccentric behaviour backstage! Such as when he became paranoid that other wrestlers were looking at Elizabeth and forced her to wear a potota sack (later STOLEN by Marc Mero who made Sable do the same...but in Sable's case it was an improvment!) at all times! Even then Hogan still kept looking at her potato sack ass and saying "brother" suggestively, so Savage had Liz locked in a packing crate whenever she was backstage! If anyone went near the crate Savage would hit them in the back of the head with a brick and say "OOOOH YEAH, STAY AWAY FROM MY PLEASUREBOX, DIG IT!" He was a funny guy! Sadly Savage and Vince McMahon had a falling out and Macho Man never made an appearance for WWE again. This was because after WCW shut down Savage decided to become a movie star. He instantly won a part playing himslef in the first Spider-Man movie (the one where Kirsten Dunst was still hot) and the directors were so impressed by his performance that they got him TEN AUDITIONS for TEN MOVIES and predicted he would be the biggest wrestling movie star ever! Seething with jealousy because Savage was set to become bigger than The Rock (who had only done Mummy 2 at this time and he was played by CGI for the whole movie because he coudln't act yet!), Vince McMahon had his lawyer Jeremy McDiggit BAN Randy Savage from using the name "Macho Man" in any of his movies because the WWE owned the name! This meant Savage had to be known as Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man and whenever he went for an audition afterwards and said "OOOOH YEAH, I'M THE MACO MAN, DIG IT!" the audition person would say "then how come your name was Bonesaw McGraw in Spider-Man? You're not the real Macho Man! You're a FAKE! JUST LIKE WRESTLING IS FAKE! WE DON'T WANT FAKES IN HOLLYWOOD, GET OUT!" and have security thrown him out! And one day Savage went nuts and gave all the security guards flying elbow drops and was kicked out of Hollywood for life! But in the end he became a RAP STAR so it all worked out for the best (until he died suddenly!) He will be missed.

Karma is pregnant! There is a lot of speculation as to who the father of the baby is. Some believe it is JIM ROSS! Even though JR said Karma is a fat tub of goo who will never make it as a Diva unlike such talented beauties as Tamina, that doesn't mean that he and Karma didn't have chemistry together and that they didn't have hot naked HATE SEX recently! Others think the father could be Hornswoggle because that would be funny! Yet others think it's David Otunga who was upset about Jennifer Hudson losing weight and wanted to sleep with a larger woman again! The truth is, that father of the baby is IN FACT...Karma's real life husband who has no involvement with wrestling! How's that for a scizzoop!

Ric Flair is on the run from the cops! It happened when Flair was payed FORTY DOLLARS to sign autographs but instead went off to have sex with the first girl in line (she ran away when he went to the bathroom so he just ended up masturwanking!) But that's not the reason he's on the run! Flair was taken to COURT and the judge asked him to pay the forty dollars, so he reached for his wallet, but found an old blade in it and instinctively bladed and bled all over his lawyer (a sexy female lawyer, of course!) The judge warned Flair he would hold him in contempt for this so Flair begged off in the corner, but when the baliff went near him, Flair poked him in the eye and climbed up to the top of the witness box. But no one knew to press slam Flair off, so he got confused and Flair Flopped to the floor! Flair then dropped his pants and jumped up spinning his cock around shouting "WOOO, NATURE BOY, I INVENTED THE HELICOPTER DICK IN 1976, WOOOO, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, SHUT UP FAT BOY, WOOOOO, TORRIE WILSON, I HAD HER, WOOO, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE, WOOOO!!" then jumepd out of a window and ran off! The police have been told to watch out for low blows and to no sell chops when apprehending him.

And now some TNA SPOILERZ! Someone slipped a BROWN ENVELOPE with the words "TNA SPOILERS!" written on it under my door and I opened it to find TNA spoilers inside! I can only conclude that Terry Taylor did it to get revenge on Russo for getting him fired! And also becasue there were naked pictures of Winter in the envelope too.

Hulk Hogan comes to the ring and says "you know what, dudes, I'm sick of not wrestling. Everyone knows that WRESTLING MATTERS! So even though every single doctor in the world, even some German doctors, have said I can't physically ever wrestle again...I'm making my in ring comeback TONIGHT against that PUNK CM Styles! And AJ, you jabroni, you roody poo, you'll never see it coming tonight, BROTHER!" then rips his shirt off to a face pop! And underneath he's wearing ANOTHER SHIRT which has "I love my fans" written on it which gets a face pop! Then Jeff Jarrett comes out and says "hang on HUCKSTER you can't fight AJ tonight, I have the main event booked as a FIRE MATCH between myself and Kurt Angle where the ring is on FIRE, we can't have both matches!" and Hogan says "no, you're right, BROTHER, the fire match will take place on PPV DUDE, because it's too good for tv, NOW GET OUT OF MY RING, BROTHER!" and does a crotch chop to a face pop! Then Mick Foley comes out and says "and the network has made ME the guest referee and I promise on my honor and on my respect for my fans that I will call it right down the middle, bang bang!"

Beer Money versus Chris Harris and Matt Hardy - Just as the match is about to start, Matt Hardy hits Harris in the back of the head with his boot! Then he says "you know what, I'm sick of teaming up with you Chris Harris, you suck, you're even fatter that me, I can't believe this company rehired you, I hate you!" while Beer Money just shrug and drink beer and count money. Then Matt says "and now my new tag partner, JEFF..." but his mic cuts out! Then Matt looks ANGRY and runs backstage! Then Beer Money give Chris Harris a Doomsday Device just for a laugh or something.

Mickie James versus Winter with Angelina Love as guest referee - Winter explains that "I went to Mick Foley before this match and asked him to let Angelina be the guest referee. He said no at first, but then I said I'd hug him and say he's a good hugger if he let Angelina be the ref and he agreed! But guess what? HE'S NOT A GOOD HUGGER AT ALL, TEE HEE TEE HEE!" Anyway Angelina is of course being fed drugs in her food by Angelina to turn her into a lesbian or something so she's a biased referee in favour of Angelina until Mickie says "you know what, if you're a lesbian now, you should be with me instead of Winter, because she's weird looking and English, but I'm kind of hot and BISEXUAL, just ask Trish!!" and kisses Angelina! Then Angelina looks confused and opens her mouth speak (or give Mickie the tongue!?) but Winter quickly throws drugs into her open mouth! So Angelina is back under Winter's control until VELVET SKY runs out with GOOD DRUGS that she got from a PROPER DOCTOR (Stevie Richards!) and she DDTs Angelina onto the good drugs so that they end up right in her mouth! Then Velvet and Angelina give Winter a Doomsday Device (from the second rope) and Mickie gets da pin.

Scott Steiner comes out to the ring and says "YOU KNOW WHAT? Mexico America? I'M SICK OF YOUR ASSES! You claim to be Mexican Americans, but I'm a real America and YOU are just Mexico-ians! You ain't not no America or nuthin'! You can either love or leave America or stay here and be no good Meixcan punks who SHOULD leave before I Stienerlise your asses and faces! So why don't you bring your lazy, no good, donkey-riding, taco-eating, hat-humping Amexican asses out here so that I can kick your asses back across the border! But first I'll kick your teeth down your throats, so that your teeth or in your asses, so that when I kick your asses your teeth will fly back up into your mouths, but now they'll be covered in shit and you'll be tasting your own shit as you go flying across the border courtesy of my boot which has just booted yoru asses over the border, as expressed in my previous utterance!" Then ABYSS walks out and chokeslams Steiner and says "Santa Claus is coming to town!" What does this mean? We don't know yet! We'll think of something before Christmas!

Mexican America come out with a MEXICAN BAND playing MEXICAN INTRUMENTS and say "hahah, let's have a PARTAY, HOLMES, to celebrate America SUCKING, esse!" and start dancing! But then two of the Mexican band members throw off their sombreros to reveal INK INC and they hit all the members of Mexican America (yes, even the mildly hot girls) with LOADED TACOS. Then Ink Inc tattoo all the unconscious mexicans with tattoos of AMERICAN SERVICEMEN AND WOMEN to make them respect america!

Next up, there's lots of mud around the ring and Bully Ray comes out with some pigs! Bully says "I never mentioned it before but I grew up on a farm! And I've been friends with pigs ever since, because I respect them more than YOU STINKING FANS! And these are very special trained pigs! I trained them to EAT poeple! They'll eat the loser of a wrestling match! After the three count, there's no stopping them! So RVD, you STONED MONKEY, come out here now and fight me and lose and be eaten by my pigs! OINK OINK!" Then D-VON jumps out from under the mud and hits Ray with a collection box (insider reference to his reverand D-Von character and a hint that Batista is on his way to TNA...if we can sign him...which we almost certainly can't)! RVD comes out and just pins Bully right away and the pigs listen to the ref count three then start to EAT Bully Ray but RVD says "hey, stop there, piggies!" and the pigs stop. "Why have Bully Ray eaten by pigs now after a pig match on tv, when we can have him eaten by a whole load of anmals after a BARNYARD BRAWL LIVE ON PAY PER VIEW!" and points to himself and walks off! Then SoCal Val escorts the pigs backstage.

Mister Anderson comes out and says "you know, Sting is and OLD BASTARD who can hardly move and my match with him on pay per view will SUCK becasue he's so old and can't work and does too many Irish whips, and I have decided to show you stinking assholes a preview of how much that match will suck and how much money you'll be wasting on Sunday, by wrestling DANIELS here tonight! He's almost as old as Sting!" Then Daniels comes out but before the match begins Anderson says "hold on, you're an OLD FOSSIL Daniels, so that means you're eyesight is going, like all old people!" and sprays PEPPER SPRAY in Daniels' eyes, blinding him! Kennedy keeps pulling stupid faces as Daniels staggers around blind until STING comes out and says "Anderson, even if I was blind like Daniels is, I could still beat you!" and puts on a blindfold to prove it! But Anderson pushes Daniels at Sting and Stings thinks it's Anderson and gives him a scorpion death drop! Then Anderson says "GUESS WHAT STING, ON SUNDAY, DANIELS WILL BE THE GUEST REFEREE!" and Sting says "oh shit!"

Backstage Kurt Angle is sitting behind a desk for some reason when KAREN ANGEL barges in and says "hey Kurt, I STILL HATE YOU, what are you doing, I'LL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, you better not be with Chyna, EVEN THOUGH I DON'T CARE AND WON'T LEAVE JEFF FOR YOU, I'm just wondering that's all, I'D NEVER TURN ON JEFF WITH A LOWBLOW TONIGHT IN YOUR FIRE MATCH, so what's up?" Kurt says "woooo, I'm just thinking about what to have for dinner, I'm thinking of EATING OUT tonight, maybe OUT EATING some CHINESE FOOD!" Then Karen SLAPS Kurt and says "YOU BETTER NOT BE TALKING ABOUT ORALLY PLEASURING CHYNA, not that I care because we're not secretly back together!" And Kurt says "I'm not orally pleasuring Chyna!" and Karen says "GOOD I MEAN BAD" and storms out. Then CHYNA comes out from under the desk where she's been sucking off Kurt (of course, that's the only reason to ever have a desk in wrestling!) and says "hey, is she going to turn on Jeff tonight and get back with you?" and Angle says "yeah, it's pretty obvious!" and Chyna just shrugs and goes back under the desk.

Eric Young comes out to the ring dressed as Duke "The Dumpster" Droese (I'm sure all fans will get this reference!) and sadly says "the chickens are all dead", salutes, then walks backstage again right away. This is the beginning of an ongoing storyline which could somehow link in with the Abyss story somehow!

Now it's time for Hulk Hogan's match with AJ Styles with Mick Foley as guest referee! As soon as the bell rings, Mick punches AJ in the back of the head knocking him out (he was supposed to do a double arm DDT but he's too fat!) Then Hogan smiles and hugs Mick (how can he get his arms all the way round!?) and covers AJ with one foot (Hogan can't bend over!) and Foley counts the three (with his fingers, he can't bend over!) Then Hogan says "hahaha, BROTHERS!" then Mick says "you STINKING FANS you didn't buy my last book, I should read the Tori Amos chapter to you RIGHT NOW to teach you a lesson, but the Hulkster has promised to finance and publish my fifth book which will detail this very angle you're watching right now, bang bang!" Then Jeff Jarrett runs out with three guitars and say "Hulkster, you usually play air guitar...but tonight THE BAND are going to play REAL GUITARS!" and Hogan, Foley and Jarrett play guitars for ten minutes! Then Foley says "oh yeah, the network has said that you, Jeff Jarrett, will wrestle Kurt Angle in a no DQ match RIGHT NOW!" and Jarrett's jaw drops in shock!

Then Jarrett is waiting in the ring when a FIREMAN comes out and says "I'm here to set the ring on fire for the fire match!" and Jeff says "whoah there, slapnuts, this is a no dq match now!" and the fireman says "oh yeah? Then I guess this is NICE AND LEGAL!" and hits Jarrett with a fire extinguisher and it's Kurt Angle! Then Kurt just beats Jarrett in the head repeatedly with the fire extinguisher for five minutes until he's bleeding all over the place until finally Karen Angle runs out! Then Karen begs Kurt to stop and he does and Karen helps Jeff up (he's still alive, don't worry!)...and gives him a LOWBLOW! Then Kurt and Karen MAKE OUT with tongues and fondling! But then when Kurt turns his back, Karen gives HIM a lowblow! Then Jarrett pops up and wipes the blood away and says "ha, I was wearing a CUP, me and Karen set this up, she FAKED that orgasm you gave her last night!" But then KURT pops up too and reveals HE was wearing a cup and says "Haha, guess what, I KNEW, I fake MY orgasm too!" then CHYNA comes out from under the ring and gives Jeff a lowblow and Kurt rubs the cup in Karen's face! Then Kurt sprays the fire extinguisher in his mouth to celebrate and says "tastes like milk!"

Until next time, say your prayers, follow me on twitter and drink your milk!

SIN CARA ASKED BY WWE IF HE COULD WORK WITH ANYONE IN THE WORLD WHO WOULD IT BE AND HE REPLIES "A REALLY GOOD EDITOR"? THAT BLOND GIRL FROM TOUGH ENOUGH WHO WAS PRETTY HOT TO JOIN ROH? GREAT KHALI TO START WRESTLING IN SHORTS TO SCARE HIS OPPONENTS? VINCE MCMAHON KEEPS SHOWING UP AT RAW, DELETING ZACH RYDER'S MATCHES FROM THE SHOW, THEN JUST LEAVING AGAIN, SMILING TO HIMSELF THAT HE'S GOT ONE OVER ON THE INTERNET LOSERS? DH SMITH TO DEBUT NEW RODEO CLOWN GIMMICK AT SUMMERSLAM? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LITA WHICH ARE ACTUALLY JUST MATT HARDY IN A LITA WIG AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE

14/11/2010

I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that I'm on Twitter! My previous account was deleted by Vince because I gave away EXACT details of his Freddie Prinze Junior dream sequence (except in my version Stephanie was wearing nothing but a BRA in bed! With erect nipples!), but he'll never find this twitter because I have added "316" to my name! Follow me to hear all the big scizzoops YEARS before the rest of the internet reports them! Here's my twitter!
In other mildly big newz, Linda McMahon has LOST the election! Linda got NO votes at all from ANYONE (despite Vince giving John Cena DVDs away to anyone who voted for her...or maybe BECAUSE of that!!!), but claimed it was a "moral victory for women everywhere" for some reason then did a crotch chop! This signalled that WWE is now changing from PG to PG13 which will mean SLIGHTLY more revealing outfits for Divas and Cena will be able to make poop jokes again! Also Stone Cold will come out and STUNNER the Anonymous GM computer (which will EXPLODE then NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN OR EXPLAINED IN ANY WAY) and say "WWE is cool again! I'm in some crap movies!" and walk out through the crowd! ALSO Nexxus will get its first FEMALE memember in AJ and Wade Barrett will say "it's not just Nexxus...now it's...SEXXUS!" then his microphone will be cut before he can say anything else so RAUNCHY! ALSO ALSO Val Venis will RETURN as a new character named MISTER POLITICIAN and will SMEAR choclate saucse all over Layla and Michelle McCool asks "what are you doing" and he says "a SMEAR CAMPAIGN, HEH HEH HEH!" ALSO ALSO ALSO Shad will return on Smackdown and say "I only voted for Obama because he's black" then beat Luke Gallows in 38 seconds then be sent back to FCW for eight months! Exciting thigns are coming!

THE LATEST ON UNDERTAKER VERSUS BROCK LESNAR AT WRESTLEMANIA: Brock will only agree to lose to Taker in a WORKED SHOOT if his wife Sable gets to beat Layla in a WORKED BIKINI CONTEST earlier on the show! While it is believable that Undertaker could beat Brock in a shoot (remember he has SOUP BONES on his side!) no one would ever believe Sable could beat Layla in a bikini contest so I hope WWE turns Brock down or else kayfabe will be dead FOREVER!

Alberto Dos Rios's personal ring announcer is played by other than Super Crazy's Dad, Super Pappi! Could this mean the MEIXCOOLS wll return soon? No, of course it coulnd't!

Lita has returned to RAW! Lita will be GRADUALLY introduced to RAW in longer and longer segments every week so as not to overload viewers with her hotness! She will finally wrestle in a three minute match against Alicia Fox in June 2011! Some people MIGHT be thinking that Lita has actually wanted to return for years, but had to wait until Matt Hardy was released because she knew he'd stalk her and follow her about saying "WEAR A THONG AGAIN, I NEED NEW MATTURWANK MATERIAL!" Those people are forgetting Matt was on Smackdown! Of course there was nothing to stop Matt flying to all the RAW shows and following Lita about, waiting until she kissed someone (let's face it, it would have happened eventually, the kissy hussy!), then jumping out of the bushes wearing a mask and shouting "I AM THE KISSING POLICE, YOU CANNOT KISS HERE!" then running away while Lita cries "Matt, I just want a normal life!" the tears running down her cleavage! Anyway, Matt will be too busy with his new YouTube show "Matt Hardy Clears Up Misconceptions In Videos That Cut Off In Mid Story And Also Here's Hurricane" to stalk Lita for at least a month and Lita has signed a five year contract which means she'll be 45 by the time it expires!

Lacey Von Eric has quit TNA! As soon as he heard this newz, JOHNNY ACE dived for his phone to call and invite her to "wrestle" for WWE before Playboy got in first and signed her to an exclusive nude contract! Expect to see her debut as Kelly Kelly's EVIL cousin soon!

I attended a TNA house show this week! I was lying on the sofa getting HOT AND HEAVY with my girlfriend when DON WEST threw a brick wrapped in TNA tickets through the window! Boy they're getting desperate! Unfortuanely my girlfriend couldn't come because her ex-boyfriend was getting out of prison that day (she had to go into hiding because she stole his car while he was locked up!) so I easily blended in with all the other dateless men at the TNA Zone!

Frist match was Jeff Jarrett versus Samoa Joe(~!) in a match to decide if the fans get BACKSTAGE PASSES! AS I understand it the heel ALWAYS wins this match on TNA house shows because you can't have the fans walking around backstage, there would be chaos! Before the match Jeff Jarrett said "You stinking fans, you all stink! You don't DESERVE to be backstage at a TNA show because you would smell the place out with your stink! I'd hit all you smellies with guitars if I could, but the stinking company that makes my breakaway guitars has gone out of stinking business and I only have one left! That stinks!" Then Joe came out to SAMOAN PIPE MUSIC and said "No Jeff, the only thing that STINKKS around here is...YOUR ATTITUDE! And my RAGING MALE PHEREMONES!" When the bell rang Joe ran at Jeff than kind of stumbled and slid on his ass across the ring and kind of barely kicked Jeff in the foot and said "OH, FUCK, I MESSED UP!" Which must have meant "I messed up HIS FOOT with my DEADLY KICK ATTACK!" because he scored the pin anyway then ran backstage hiding his face because he's so bashful!

This meant that we LUCKY FANS had all won backstage passes thanks to Joe! I was still suspicious and thought that TNA would have set up a FAKE backstage with FAKE wrestlers pretending to be TNA stars (they could put a homeless guy in a Sharkboy mask and no one would know the difference!) So I went backstage to investigate and of course to watch the Knockouts showering! I soon found out it was a REAL backstage and NOt fake when I walked by Hulk Hogan playing Guitar Hero with Jay Lethal! Hogan smiled at me and said "don't worry kid, my back isn't really injured at all! The nerves that were burned off? They were burned off my penis, brother, because sex is so pleasurable for the Hulkster that I can't stop doing it!" then had Jay inject painkillers into his spine! Jay said "he's nuts, this isn't even a guitar hero guitar!" and showed me it and it was in fact a REAL guitar! This seemed like a potentially HUGE story, but I had just spoted the Knockouts dressing room so I ran away and left Hogan drooling on the floor!

Luckily there was a gap behind the wall I could hide behind and watch the Knockouts showering through a hole in the wall (I think Don West must have made this hiding place because I found BEARD FUR inside!) It wasn't long before a beautiful naked knockout with long blond hair stood with her back to me and I started masturwankig! Just as I was finally getting going this knockout turned round...and she was Eric Young! In a blond wig! There was no way I could have known! I was angry and asked him where the Knockouts were and he said "the TNA Knockouts don't take showers, because they're DIRTY GIRLS with sexily transmitted diseases!" I then asked why HE was showering then and he said "because I knew you'd be watching!" I was disturbed by this but eventually he laughed and said "Nah, just playing, the reason the Knockouts aren't here is because they're having a REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL in the ring!" I said that still doesn't explain why he's in the Knockout's shower standing naked in front of a masturwanking wrestling journalist but he just shook his head sagely and said "doesn't it, Hot Newz? Doesn't it?" then skipped away!

I RAN at a hundred miles per whore back to the ring JUST IN TIME to see Sarita climb out of the cage leaving Madison Rayne alone in the ring as the LOOSER of the reverse battle royal (that's how reverse battle royals work, there's nineteen joint winniers and one loser!) I was DEVASTATED to have missed this hot and steamy Knockout action and actually started crying a bit, the first time wrestling made me cry since Crash Holly died! But then Jeremy Borash announced "and now as the LOSER, Madison's punishment will be a SPANKING from a fan!" As soon as I heard these words I jumped over the barricade and started climbing the cage to get to her! Security started climbing up after me but Borash called them back down, took a look at me, then gave me a thumbs up and said "GO FOR IT, KID!" Finally I was in the ring and Madison was bending over...unfortunately I must have BLACKED OUT because the spanking was TOO HOT because I can't remember ANYTHING that happened next! Don't worry, I'm undergoing HYPNOTIC REGGRESSION to get the hot memories back and once I have the details I'll tweet them all out in 140 sexy characters!

Anyway when I woke up Matt Morgan and Abyss were HUGGING(!?) in the ring with Team 3D lying DEAD (for all I knew!) in front of them! Morgan said "haha, together we can dominate like no other, AND ALL YOU STINKING FANS CAN'T STOP US!" and Abyss said "YESSSSSSSSSS HISSSSS!" I was SHOCKED at this turn of events because I couldn't remember if Matt Morgan was a face or a heel but it turned out to be all a SWERVE when Matt pulled a big monkey wrench out of his tights and smashed the back of Abyss's head in with it! And Abyess was bleeding all over the place and Matt said "SCREW YOU! I will never join you, you go around giving people concussions all the time when concussions are dangerous! Now I've given YOU a concussion so that you can feel what it's like!" and licked the blood off the monkey wrench! That makes him a face in TNA because he's all dark and edgy like Stone Cold or Han Solo!

Next up was Mister Anderson (urgh) versus The Pope (urgh) in a "microphone on a poll" match. Jeremy Borash (who was sitting beside me at this point sharing his popcorn with me) explained that the winner gets to cut an obnoxious promo with the microphone. I was happy when they both climbed up the poll at the same time and grabbed the microphone because I thought a draw meant NEITHER of the unlikable twats would get to speak, but unfonrtuantely they just cut a promo TOGETHER about "pimpin' assholes" or something (I had plugged my ears up with popcorn!) After getting to spank Madison Rayne earlier (even though I couldn't remember it) I had been ready to give TNA a GLOWING review on my blog which probably would have turned the ratings aroud. After this match I hated TNA again and decided that only a really great next match could save thigns...

The next match was Jay Lethal versus some Robbie Guy (NOT Robbie from the Highlanders I'm sorry to see, he's just too REAL for TNA! He'd rip up Russo's scripts and pour porridge all over the Knockouts!) for the X Division title! Three seconds into the match, MATT HARDY jumped the barricade and kind of gave Robbie somethign resembling a Twist Of Fate and Jay just shrugged and walked away. Matt grabbed a microphone and said "YOU! DIXIE CARTER! ABUSE OF POWER! HIRE ME! I'M ALREADY HIRED! HIRE ME! I'M ALREAY HIRED!" to the confusion of all! RHYNO then ran out wearing a shirt that said "SECURITY" and GORED Matt and Matt puked all over the ring! Rhyno then said "When Mister Eric Bischoff offered me a job in security I decided it was TOO FUCKING SUH-WEET to pass up!" then spat on Matt and ran out through the crowd slapping hands! So needless to say I loved TNA again after this match!

Next up was hot steamy tag action with AJ Styles and Kazabian versus Stevie Richards and Tommy Dreamer! And if you think this was bound to be a classic match...you're an idiot, it was a Tommy Dreamer match! It sucked while he was in the ring! Fortunately it was GREAT while Doctor Stevie was in the ring since he's the most underrated worker since Phineas Godwinn! Stevie did look a bit distracted because I kept shouting "REMEMBER STEVIE NIGHT HEAT, THAT WAS AWESOME!" at the top of my voice for the entire match, but I had to make him remember! AJ pinned Dreamer when he went for a Styles Clash but Dreamer was too fat to pick up, then went for it again but Dreamer was so fat and blown up that he couldnt' take it, then eventaully just gave up and hit a DDT but Dreamer went down before AJ had finished the move because he sucks and is uncoordinated and AJ said "GOD YOU SUCK" for the pin!

Finallyl it was time for the MAIN EVENT of Jeff Hardy defending against none other than RVD! Jeff came staggering out first to a massive reaction! There was a fat girl sitting next to me (not Jeremy Borash) who was literally crying with Joy at seeing Jeff, then she grabbed her chest and said "AAAAH, STABBING PAIN, CAN'T TAKE IT..." so I turned away and didn't look at her again (she shut up after that anyway thankfully!) Jeff grabbed the mike and said "you stinking fans still cheer me? Is that because you're all STUPID?" Then the fans cheered. Then he said "STOP CHEERING, I'M A HEEL NOW, BOO ME SO THE RATINGS GO UP!" and the fans cheered. Then he said "I'm going to prison soon where I'll GO GAY!" and all the girls booed (but some of the guys cheered!) So Jeff smiled because now he knew how to gets boos and he acted gay for the whole match by wrestling with a gay look on his face (he even made eyes at me at one point! And I kind of liked it!?) RVD came out next. RVD recognised me in the crowd (I used to attend ECDUB shows ALL THE TIME! I sat between HAT GUY and GREEN BEARD GUY on most shows, look out for me!) and gave me a special look which I remembered from the ECDUB days! It was a look which meant "dood, I'm so high right now, this is only a house show match anyway, so I won't do anything cool, haha, the marks will never know better!" I respected him for this because getting high is more important than giving TNA fans a worthy main event! Since Jeff is a heel now he did nothing but Twists Of Hate (eight in total!) and chinlocks (eighteen in total!) for the whole match! Good heeling! RVD eventually made the comeback with some kicks that missed by miles and that crappy version of the Rolling Thunder where he just does a splash instead of a senton and went up to the top rope for the Frog Splash but just stood there for like a minute looking bored until Eric Bischoff jogged out and kind of tapped him in the ankle with a chair and RVD carefully climbed back down, said "ouch!" then walked backstage shrugging, having won by DQ I guess! Then Christy Hemme came out and showed us all her tits to send the crowd home happy.

It was't the worst TNA house show I've ever been to...just teh SECOND WORST!

Survivor Series is coming soon! I have been able to deduce with 99.9997% accuracy what the results will be, so look away NOW if you don't want to know!

LayCool versus Natalya - Natalya will be getting her ass kicked for five minutes until BETH PHOENIX runs out to help her! Then in a SWERVE Beth will hit Natalya with a high heel shoe then hug Michelle and Layla! Then Beth will say "that's right, you all forgot I'm the Glamazon! But not only that, I'm now a Beautiful Pesron! I mean, uhh, a...LayCool...person!" then LayCool will TURN ON BETH and give her a double suplex (that's deadly for woman's wrestling!) and say "no you're too FAT to be in LayCool, FATAZON!" And Natalya and Beth will feud and LayCool will keep the belts until Melina gets over again (so they'll keep them FOREVER!)

Kane versus Edge - Edge hits the RUNNING HUG and is about to win when Christian runs out! Edge says "what's this all aboot, eh, are you here to help me celebrate?" and Christian smiles and say "NOT QUITE!" then spits RED MIST (blood!?) in Edge's eyes and Kane gets da pin! Christian then puts on a PUFFY SHIRT and Gangrel, Viscera, Mideon, Brad Shaw(~!~!) and Farooq (DAMN!) join him in the ring! Kane says "that's right, THE MINISTRY OF DARKNESS is back under my command, and the darkest night has begun, HAHAHAH, HAIL SATAN!" Then all the Ministry but Kane and Christian get fired the next night and are never mentioned again.

Randy Orton versus Wade Barrot WITH JOHN CENA AS THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE WILL HE DO THE RIGHT THING? - Orton and Barrot hit a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE and Cena starts counting until R TRUTH runs out! Truth says "yo, Cena, what CHU doin', huh, countin' like dat, CHU tryin' to screw Orton!"? and Cena says "umm, no" and Truth says "good, because the only person screwing Orton...IS ME!" and gives Cena a deadly AXE KICK then gives Orton a deadly TWISTY FLYING FOREARM! Then HEATH SLEDGE runs out in a referee's shirt and counts the pin and somehow this is legal and Wade is the champion! Then Truth says "haha, you all bought it! You FOOLS! The clue was in my new song! It's not time to get Crunk, it's time to get...DRUNK! I'm an alcoholic and Nexxus have been buying me booze!" Then he smashes up a bootle of BOOZE over Cena's head and says "the WWE ain't PG no more neither!" and does the splits standing over Cena's head, rubbing his balls on Cena's face! This sets up a THREE STAGES OF HELL match between Truth and Cena at WrestleMania where the first fall is pin, second submission and the third a rap battle judged by Enimen!

There will also be some traditional survivor series elimination matches on the show but nobody cares about those!

Sounds like a GRIZZEAT show! I'll be back in eight months with an even more disappointing update!

KAITLYN LEGALLY DECLARED HOTTEST WWE DIVA BY THE SUPREME COURT, LAYLA LAUNCHING COUNTERSUIT WITH MICHELLE MCCOOL AS HER LAWYER? KEVIN NASH SAYS SOMETHING UNFUNNY ON TWITTER? HURRICANE REVEALS THAT LINDA MCMAHON USED TO ASK HIM IF SHE COULD RUB ICE CUBES INTO HIS BALLS ALL THE TIME AND DEFINITELY DID KNOW LANCE CADE'S NAME TOO? DRAGON GATE USA MAIN EVENT TO FEATURE THE HEEL WORKING OVER THE FACE'S LEG BRUTALLY FOR TEN MINUTES BUT THEN THE FACE JUST COMPLETELY NO SELLS IT AND DOES A BUNCH OF FLIPPY MOVES AND THE ZOMBIE SMARKS STILL CHANG "MATCH OF THE YEAR!" AFTERWARDS? AKSANA TO REVEAL SHE'S PREGNANT WITH GOLDUST'S BABY IN NINE MONTH STORYLINE AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S REALLY ORNSWAGGLE'S HAHHAHA OH GOD I'M LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE? PLUS HOT NAKED PICZ OF MICKIE JAMES WEARING ASSLESS CHAPS RIDING BAREBACK ON A HORSE SMOKING A CIGAR WITH VISIBLE ASS SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

Bound For Glory

TNA owes me new PANTZ for signing Mickie James!!! (I got an erection then ejaculated within seven seconds of her walking out!)

But now I wish I'd saved it for mastruwank over Madison Rayne who is a million times hotter than Mickie!

LayCool are hotter than the Beautiful People but Mickie and Madison are hotter than LayCool (because of Michelle dragging the hotness down, not Layla's fault!) so I'd like to see that tag match...IN BED!

7/8/2010

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And, by that, I mean that HOT NEWZ JUNIOR is back with more Hot Newz! That's right, it's me! My old uncle had a HEART ATTACK or something old people have so I'm taking over, biznoses! I'm going to have a big look at big Money In the Bank which will be BIG but first I have EXCLUSIVE news on Batista joining the MMA as an Ultimate Fighter! That's right you marks, Batista is joining MMA! You thought it would never happen because he's not a LEGIT tough guy (Booker T once gave him a Book End into the ocean shooting a Summerslam commercial!) but the real truth is that MMA is actually FAKE!!!! Don't believe me? Then how come Brock Lesner, a FAKE WRESTLER is the current MMA champion of MMA? Because it's fake, that's why! Nobody knew wrestling was fake until Hulk Hogan went on the Arseholio Hall Show and said "wrestling's fake, brother, I never took no steroids!" The EXACT SAME THING is true of MMA! So expect a big showdown in the Octogan (named after an octopus!) between Batista and Lesnar! Batista will hit a SPEAR right away to the surprise of many, but when he goes for a second spear Lesnar reverses it to a Googleplatter which he learned from tHe Undertaker (a REAL shooter!) However Lesnar then POWERS OUT and turns it into a Batista Bomb right into the side of the Octogan! Then then both punch each other at the exact same time like in Rocky 3 JUST as the bell rings for the end of the round! Who's goign to win? I'm not going to tell you cheaprollerskates, you have to buy the big MMA ppv to find out!

And now for your FREE MONEY.........In The Bank recap! Yes, WWE had a ppv called Money In The Bank a while ago and I watched! I'm reviewing it now which is a bit late but when you consider all the COOL STUFF I do in my life this review is actually EARLY!

The First match was the Smackdown Money In The Bank match! Frankly most of this match (99.999999%) SUCKED because nobody took any big bumps! As everyone knows, the ladder match was invented in the Hardy Boyz back yard when the Hardyz and Edge and Christian used to back yard wrestle (Edge and Christian were 13, Matt was 12, Jeff was 9!) So you'd THINK Matt and Christian would take some big, 450 bumps on their HEADS but instead they didn't do shit and at one point they both fell off and actually landed on their feet! What a rip off! Even Dashing Cody Rhodes took more bumps than Matt and Christian, and he's gay! The match picked up when Big Show FINALLY got up off his lazy ass and brought his GIANT LADDER into the ring! I love that giant ladder! It's so cool! The great director MIchael Bay should put it in Transformers 3 as a new Transformer that transforms into a giant ladder! Let's face it, he needs something to replace Megan Fox! Kane won the match because WWE wanted to SWERVE everyone by having the worst possible winner imaginable! One thumb up!

Next was Alicia Fox defending whichever belt she has against Eve Torres! This was pretty good compared to 99% of woman's matches, but that's not saying much since 99.99% of all woman's matches SUCK! Alicia won with the AXE KICK then it cut to a BLACK MAN wearing a hoodie and DARK GLASSES in the crowd but he ducked down out of the way of the camera! NO ONE on the internet has mentioned this yet but that was actually BOOKER T who is set to return soon with Alicia as his new Sharmell (the real Sharmell is pregnant so she won't be doing no axe kicks!) Half a thumb up.

The Hart Dynamitey versus the UFOs was next! I can't remebmer anything about this match other than that Stryker and Lawler spent the whole match saying "YOU'RE SO BORING DH SMITH, DO SOMETHING COOL, SHOW SOME CHARISMA YOU LOSER!" The Harts won when Smith put one of the UFOs in the Sharpshooter but FAILED to do a sexy dance first so Cole said "I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T DO A SEXY DANCE FIRST, THE BORING ROBOT BASTARD!" so really the Harts were the real losers! One thumb DOWN.

Rey Mysterious versus Jack Swagger was next! This was a good match WHILE IT LASTED but it only lasted literally FIVE MINUTES which makes it a BAD MATCH! If they had just done the same five minute match four times stuck together and it had lasted twenty minutes it would have been a CLASSIC, but at only five minutes it was a SUCKIC! Then Swagger was going to snap Rey's ankle off and take it home afterwards and KANE made the save! I said to my friend ANDY ICE who was watching with me (we're not gay, just friends!) that this meant Kane was going to cash in his Money In The Bank! Andy said "NO WAY!" and tried to give me a Rock Bottom, but I elbowed my way out and gave him a Stone Cold Stunner! However I hit my head on the coffee table on the way down and was knocked clean out! NO THUMBS UP.

When I woke up, Andy Ice had gone and stole my Wii and Kane was the new champion! At first I was angry (I love my Wii!) but then I realised that Kane is much taller than Rey so it makes sense that he'd beat him, even though he's like 50 years old and Rey is only 23! TWO THUMBS UP!

Next was Layla versus Kelly Kelly! I was glad Andy had left because I want to pay VERY CLOSE attention to this match, if you know what I mean (I was masturwanking!) This match made the match between Alicia and Eve look like a match between two AMATEURS! Alicia and Eve may as well retire because they'll NEVER have a match as good as this one! Layla was trained by old school English shooters like William Regal, Pat Tanaka and Big Daddy so she literally carried Kelly through this match (she did a lot of firewoman's carries!) Also at one point Michelle McCool was being COCKY on the barricade so the spunky Tiffany ran over and SHOOT SHOVED Michelle into the crowd where some guy peed on her! This was NOT supposed to happen (it wasn't a worked shoot shove!) and backstage the Undertaker grabbed Tiffany around the throat like he was going to choke slam her but then Tiffany kicked him in the balls and ran away and Undertaker was so embarrassed that he never told anyone about this (but my source was watching from a garbage can!) so Tiaffany got to keep her job! Anyway Layla won (of course!) with an ENGLISH PINNING COMBINATION! TWO THUMBS and SOMETHING ELSE (my respect for women!) up!

Next was the RAW IS RAW money in the bank mizzatch! This one was EVEN WORSER than the Smackdown match because it had Evan Bourne in it and he didn't do any 720 bumps landing on his tailbone! He didn't do shit! Miz won despite not taking one big bump during the match. There should be a rule where you can only win money in the bank if you've taken a bump first! Two thumbs in the middle leaning towards down!

Finally it was a cage match (JUST a cage, there wasnt' even barbed wire or electicity on the top!) between Shameus and John Cena! What a rip off! This is the Money In The Bank ppv and the main event is a CAGE match!? It should have been a cage match with a ladder in the cage where to win you have to climb the ladder and jump over the cage! That would have been entertaining whereas this match was the opposite: UNENTERTAINING! I can't even remember what happened except I think Nexus put thumbtacks all around the ring and Cena was too scared to climb down and step on one so Shameus won! Then afterwards Cena gave Michael Tarver a proper Hacksaw Jim Duggan three point clotheline and I thought he was cool for about 0.8 seconds until I remembered his stupid face. NEGATIVE THUMBS DOWN.

Layla slapped Matt Striker in the face violently backstage on Smackdown after his latest cruel "little english muffin!" jibe at her. Racist bullies used to call her that at school!

TNA is putting on an ECW ppv this Sunday! For some reason! I can't be bothered looking up the card, but I heard there's a part where Tommy Dreamer says "I'm hardcore, I'll take both of them!" and Kimona Iwannafuckher and Beaulah say "he's old, we'll take SHARKBOY!" and Sharkboy comes out and does a sexy dance with them! There will also be individual one minute tributes to every former ECW star who has passed away...so that will take up ninety minutes of the show! Also there will be some shitty match with tables and barbed wire and fat Raven in the main event which people will chant "this is awesome!" to and I'll chant "I'm glad I didn't pay for this!" as I watch my illegal download!

If you think the Kane/Undertaker angle is just going to end when Kane breaksdown and admits that it was EVIL KANE, his altered ego who wears the red Kane mask, who turned Undertaker into a potato and Kane will confront his dark side in a magic mirror and then step through the mirror and BECOME Evil Kane and job to Undertaker in a casket match at the new ppv "Casket Match"...you are wrong! Undertaker will RETURN in two weeks on Smackdown and say "Kane my brother, it was not Rey Mysterio, I was still part potato when I said that...it was BIG DADDY V!" and then Big Daddy V comes out from under the ring and gives Kane and Undertaker a double belly to belly suplex city! Big Daddy V then wins the title from Kane in a best two out of three falls match at the new ppv "Best Two Out Of Three Falls"! This sets up the big casket match with Undertaker at "Casket Match" where Big Daddy V goes for his new finisher the Banzai Drop INTO a casket but Undertaker MOVES at the last second and Big Daddy V goes into the casket and Taker wins! Then Big Daddy V is never seen or mentioned again.

Summerslam is cumming soon! I'm not going to check when because I'm TOO BUSY! However my friend Steve The Brick told me that the main event will see Team WWE (John Cena! Bret Hart!? R Truth!?! THE GREAT KHALI!?!?!) take on Team Nexus (The Nexus!) in some kind of wrestling match! And if you think that it will just end with Cean down seven on one, all his partners taken out, looking for a tag and then TRIPLE H runs out, tags in...AND GIVES CENA THE PEDIGREE, grabs a mic and says "you're looking at the New Nexus Order of wrestling, brother, and these fans can STICK IT!"...then you're right! That's exaclyt how it will end! There will also be a match between Shameus and Randy Orton! They will do a FACE TO FACE interview before the match and Orton will say "you know what, SHAME-us, I won the world title for the first time SIX YEARS AGO at Summerslam and history will repeat itself tonight...for the final desire!" Then Shameus says "oh is that right, fella? Well tell me this, fella, who was it that you beat six years ago, fella?" And while Orton looks confused (he can't say that name!) Shameus gives him an IRISH KICK ring in the shoulder and you hear a POP and Shameus says "now how are you going to beat me, fella, after taking an Irish kick to the shoulder, fella?" Then Orton wins with the RKO anyway.

Well that's it for me, I've decided that wrestling SUCKS and Santino isn't even funny, so I'll be back NEVER with more Hot Newz, maybe my uncle will return if he ever waits up from his vegetable state, I don't know or care!

DUDEBUSTERS TO START HOMOSEXUAL ANGLE AND CHANGE THEIR NAME TO THE DUDEBUNKERS BECAUSE THEY SLEEP IN BUNKS WITH OTHER DUDES, HAVING SEX WITH THOSE DUDES? MICK FOLEY ALREADY WORKING ON A NEW BOOK ABOUT THE CURRENT ECW ANGLE IN TNA WHICH WILL EXPLAIN WHY IT IS BRILLIANT REALLY AND WAS ALL HIS IDEA AND ALSO THAT ALL HE'S FRIENDS WITH ALL THE KNOCKOUTS AND HE'S STROKE THEIR ARMS? MATT HARDY LITERALLY DRAGGING STRANGERS OFF THE STREET AND ASKING THEM TO FOLLOW HIM ON TWITTER? JOHN MORRISON TO ACTUALLY HIT A NON-SHITTY LOOKING STARSHIP PAIN FOR ONCE, LOL WHO AM I KIDDING, IT'S LIKE HE LIGHTLY HEADBUTTS HIS OPPONENT'S ARM AND LOGICALLY IT SHOULD HURT HIM FOR MORE THAN THEM? HOGAN TO GET HIS WIN BACK OVER ABYSS BEFORE ACTUALLY JOBBING TO HIM AND THEN FAKE A BACK INJURY SO THAT THERE IS NO REMATCH? PLUS HOT OBSCURED PICS OF OF LAYCOOL AND THE BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE MEETING UP TO DISCUSS BOYS AT A NAIL SALON WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWS BLOGCHIVE CLICK HERE!

WrestleMania, Daniel Bryan and more!

OMG I'm here with some hardcore NEWZITY (fooled you!) And the big newz is that I am NOT Hot Newz (that's why I didn't say "OMG I'm back"!) I am in fact HIS NEPHEW, none other than HOT NEWZ JUNIOR! I know all yoru mouths are gaping in shock like you can't believe it BUT YOU BETTA BELIEVE IT! I learned the game from my uncle Hot Newz! Hot Newz taught me everything he knows...but he didn't teach me everything *I* know!!! I know you're all wondering why Hot Newz has quit the internet forever and why I've taken his place so I'll tell you: it's because of what Michael Cole said on NXT. Every single word from Cole's mouth was the absolute TRUTH and it cut deeply into the heart of Hot Newz! My uncle realized that he's a DINOSAUR of the newz world, a relic of the past! Hot Newz is all about DIRTY SHEETS and GEOCITIES when we're in 2009 now, the world of TWITTER and WWE NXT! Hot Newz just couldn't get with the times...so he got the F out! Don't worry, I will continue to provide HOT NEWZ for you all...but it won't be the SMARKY SMARK gay Hot Newz that my gay uncle (he's gay by the way!) provided! So don't expect me to LICK the ASS of Daniel Bryan like Hot Newz would! In fact I'm going to interview Daniel Bryanoit later in this very update and ask him the HARD questions!!!

WWE has relased some SO CALLED Superstars! I say "SO CALLED" because if they were REALLY Superstars they wouldn't have been released at all. I know that's a CONTROVERSIAL thing to say and not something my uncle would ever say, but you're dealing with Hot Newz Junior now!

First to be released was The Hurricane! The reason for this was NOT becasue he got drunk and arrested like you SMARKS think, because if that was the case then Chris Jericho would have been released as well since he was in the car too and it would be unfair to release one and not the other and Vince is NEVER unfair! The REAL reason he was fired was becaue WWE finally got SICK of paying him two paychecks: one as a wrestler and one as an announcer! That's right, he was Gregory Helms as well! Bet you didn't know that! WWE got wise to this SCAM at last and fired him and are now saving DOUBLE the money!

Paul Burchill has also been released! The reason for this is very simple: he lost a loser leaves the WWE match to the Hurricane. How could the WWE keep him employed after that? They couldn't, it would ruin their integrity! His sister Kate is still under contract however becasue she's been wearing a corset on her way to the ring lately and Vicne wants to see where she's going with that!

Also released was Maria! The reason for this? WWE has gone PG and can't have a HARLOT in their employ! She's even been in Playboy with NO clothes! Tiffany has too, but since she did such a good job as General Manager of ECW she will be offered a managerment position and never appear on tv again and wear sexy business suits!

Finally released was Scott Armsstrong and I don't think I have to tell you that the reason why was becaue he accepted a BRIBE from CM Punk and WWE is no place for crooked referees! Also he was racist.

TNA has decided to COPY the WWE as usual by releasing Awesome Kong! Kong will now come to WWE on NXT as a rookie Diva (they're going to have rookie Divas on NXT after WrestleMania!) so that Matt Striker can reference "Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest" every week! And the returning LITA will be her mentor and keep trying to get Kong to do a "Litasault" then Kong finally does one and she's so proud of herself but Lita didn't see because she was sucking Kane's cock (they're back together!) and doesn't believe Kong really did it! Drama!

WWE will use the money they save from these four goons to rehire THE HIGHLANDERS (Robbie and Rory!) except they will be called the ENGLANDERS now (Sir Robert and Master Rorathorne!) and will wear BOWLER HATS in the ring and smoke pipes and kippers!

Mister Anderson sucks!

WrestleMania is JUST around the corner! I remember way back to the EARLY DAYS of Wrestlemania when Chris Jericho and HHH feuded over a dog (Stephanie McMahon!) and Brock Lesnar landed right on his head doing a 450 splash and it turned him into an ignorant homophobe who hates Canada! Can this year's Wrestlemania have any "WrestleMania moments" which match up to those classics? No, it can't! But it can try! Let's take a look at which matches have the best chance of providing a WrestleMania moment!

Batista versus Cena - The only way this can live up to the Wrestlemania standard is if Cena literally KILLS Batista with the STF (you hear his neck SNAP!) then Michale Cole says "Batista is dead, folks" and he's carried away on a stretcher and you never see him again (in real life he's retired to a farm where he breeds dogs and sheep...together!)!

Chris Jericho versus Edge - The only way this can live up to teh WrestleMania standard is if Edge hits a spear but then Jericho kicks out at one becasue Edge's spear looks like shit and woudln't really hurt anyone and Edge says "yeah, you're right!" and gives Jericho a GANSO BOMB off the apron for the countout win (but you can't win the title on countout!)

Bret Hart versus Vince McMahon - Who cares! I don't even know why they're fighting! Vince did the "ring the bell!" thing to Bret? Who cares, they do that every week! Angle got the bell rung on him on Impact a month ago and he's forgotten already! Bret needs to get over it! Also: how old is he? Sixty? Seventy? Can he even keep up with Vince (a proven hard worker for his age)? I doubt it! Take your bathroom break HERE instead of during the Diva's match!

The Undertaker versus Shawn Michaels - This is a tough one as they had a pretty good match last night but on the other hand it was FAR TOO LONG and hopefully this year will be cut down to a sensible time like ten minutes! Also it should be a CASKET MATCH really and Undertaker should tombstone Shawn right into the casket. That's never been done before!

CM Punk versus Rey Mysteris (mask versus hair) - Well OBVIOUSLY Rey's gonig to win because there's no way in HELL that he would EVER take his mask off EVER becasue it's ILLEGAL in Mexico to wrestle without a mask and Rey wrestles in Mexico part time when he's on a break from WWE so there's NO CHANCE OF EVER SEEING REY WITHOUT HIS MASK EVER so foget that! And if Punk loses his hair it won't even be bad for him because he's straight edge and that means you should shave your head! The only thing I can think of is that they shave Punk's head and reveal a DRUG tattoo on his skull! Like a COCAINE PIPE or something equally drugtastic! This would reveal that Punk is a HIPPOCRAT and I think that's what will happen!

Triple H versus SHAMEus - Finlay will run in after ten minutes of sweaty action and hit HHH with his IRISH STICK and reveal that he is SHAMEUS's dad as well! Then Hornswoggle will give HHH the Tadpole Splash as revege for the constant abuse he's suffered and the Finlay Dynasty will be born!

The Miz and The Big Show versus John Morrison and R Truth - Morrison has been DEMOTED to tag action after Vince noticed that Starship Pain looks like shit! And R Truth has been PROMOTED to appearing on WrestleMania becasue Vince is going to starting selling CDs of "WHAT'S UP!" at the shows! But everyone has already illegally downloaded that GREAT SONG anyway so it will backfire! Anyway this match will end when DANIEL BRYAN runs out with a chair and looks like he's going to hit the Miz but SWERVES and hits Morrison (in the back) then says "THE MIZ IS AWESOME!" and does a Miz Dance and Miz smiles and says "I have taught you well." Then Bryan gets a Miz haircut too!

Randy Orton versus Cody Rhodes verus Ted Debased - No chance of a WrestleMania moment here unless you count the world's first ten minute long threeway chinlock as a WrestleMania moment!

Money IN The Wank Ladder Match - I can't remember remember who is in this mathc but it's obvious that KOFI KINGSTON will do a Boom Drop off the top of one ladder through another ladder to have a WrestleMania moment but then Shelton Benjamin will attempt a senton bomb off the rafters onto the top of a ladder and end up landing CROTCH FIRST on Kane's knee by mistake and everyone will remember that instead of the Boom Drop! Also: Christian will win.

Diva Match: WWE is more PG than DISNEY now so there's no chance we'll see naked breasts popping out all over the place like in the GOOD OLD DAYS (my uncle used to masturwank to the classic Wendie Retard/Mae Young classic at WrestleMania 6 when all four tits popped out!) which means it is an INSULT to the hard-working fans to put the POOR WORKRATING Divas on a WrestleMania at all!

As you can see AND I THINK YOU'LL AGREE there is literally 100% NO CHANCE IN HELL of there being a classic WM Moment on this year's WrestleMania...but it'll still be better than every TNA show ever put together multiplied by a million!

Speaking of TNA, as you all stinking well know by now Hulk Hogan is the NEW head booker and Vince Russo is working under him (NOT sexually...I don't THINK so anyway...)! As a result there's been a CLASH OF EGOS and Hogan keeps rewriting everyone Russo writes! I managed to get my hands on a LEAKED script from an Impact from a month ago (or myabe it's from NEXT WEEK, it's impossible to tell with Impact!) which revealed the extent to which Hogan and Russo are clashing! And here it is!

Segment One

Russo: Okay, get this, let me lay this shit on ya mooks, Homicide comes down to the ring. He's literally in the ring talking! He says "JEFF HARDY! You son of a coward scaredy cat! I know you're in prison for trafficking - AND THAT'S A SHOOT BY THE WAY - but if you was any kind of a damn man at all you'd break out of your cell, murder all the guards that got in your way, steal a police car and drive over here to the Impact Zone to fight me right in the middle of this ring...in a TEXAS HOLD 'EM DEATH MATCH!" Jeff Hardy's music plays (we don't have the rights to his WWE music, of course, so play something vaguely similar and have Tazz says "NOT FOR NOTHING THAT'S JEFF HARDY'S MUSIC I'D RECOGNISE IT ANYWHERE!"...

SWERVE, it's actually Mick Foley who comes out, riding down to the ring on a stretcher for some reason (like he did in '98 which I wrote and it'll look just as cool today!) and he pulls a microphone out of his shoes because he's KOOKY and says "you know what Homicide I'm sick of your CRAP coming out here every week saying the same thing about wanting Jeff Hardy to break out of jail! And also everyone knows that I want a meeting with Hulk Hogan and everyone ALSO knows that later on this show the Hulkster's going to have a meeting with every champion in TNA so I'm going to win YOUR stinking X Division title which I don't even want just to get a meeting with Hogan, bang bang!" Foley INSTANTLY gives Homicide a pedigree (as an insider reference) and it's so quick that people on the internet will speculate that Homicide TOOK A DIVE for him! However before he can make the pin, STING (who is up in the rafters of course, logically!) drops his baseball bat and Foley catches it and the referee sees Foley holding the bat and disqualifies him! Then Tenay speculates that Sting is in CAHOOTS with someone but before he can reveal who it's TOO THE BACK!

Hogan: Brother, I love it. But I'd make some key changes. First of all, dude, Homicide should challenge Jeff to a "LATINO STREET FIGHT IN THE STREETS" since he's one of them latin dudes, brother. Second of all, brah, Foley should hit the Stunner instead of the Pedigree so that the rubes will think Cold Stone's coming to TNA. Sting should drop the bat by ACCIDENT and Tazz says "BUTTERFINGERS!!!" and this starts a storyline where Sting's lost his confidence and only finding faith in the strength of Hulkamania can help him get it back! And Foley should call me "the Great Hulk Hogan." Otherwise you've hit one out of the park, dude!

Segment Two

Russo: Ric Flair arrives in the arena with a CHINESE WOMAN on his arm but refuses to speak to Bubba Sponge! In the background, Raven is eating out of a trash can!

Hogan: Dude, you know, I know Flair and I think it should be a KOREAN WOMAN with him, brother, not no Chinese dame, dude. But good call on Raven (he's that fat guy in jean shorts, isn't he)! We're firing him soon anyway!

Russo: Maybe he could find a pink slip in the trash?

Hogan: Dude, that's tremendous! Then a garbage truck could drive up and haul him away with the rest of the garbage, brah!

Segment Three

Russo: The Beautiful People come MARCHING out to the ring and barely even pause to show their asses as they enter (but they still do pause and the director should still zoom in, let me make that clear!) then say "okay we are SICK of that SKANK Angelina Love constantly attacking our asses! We need our asses! Angelina, come out here now with a partner OR SHOULD I SAY SKANK-NER of your choosing and fight us in this ring you skank!" Then some music that sounds a bit like Lady GaGa plays and Angelina comes out with a woman dressed exactly as LADY GAGA (Tazz: "Could it be her, Cole?") and the Beautiful People run away in fear because they know they can't defeat Angelina and GaGa! Then Angelina KISSES GaGa and she pulls her wig off to reveal that it's TORRIE WILSON and she says "that's right, it's me, Torrie Wilson!" in case anyone doesn't recognize her!

Hogan: Hmm, bro, theres' a few problemos with this. I don't know who this Lady Gaggy is, first of all. I say Angelina (who's she anyway?) should come out with my daughter Brooke and says "that's right, I'm here with the boss's daughter, OR SHOULD I SAY HOT-AUGHTER!" Then Brooke throws Angelica off the stage and says "my only loyality is to my big buff daddy, sistah!" Then them two girls in the ring should run like fun, brother!

Segment Four

Russo: THE POPE comes out to the ring but before he can talk he's interrupted by Orlando Jordan and Kipp Jammes (rehire him if he's fired!) Kipp says "I've finally found a MAN who is MAN enough to be the MAN for me and that is Orlando!" and then they act like they're about to KISS but at the last second SO CAL VAL holds a piece of paper up between their lips so that they don't actually make contact and it's ambiguous as to if they're gay or not! Then the Pope's about to attack them but before he can, RHYNO has run out through da crowd and he GORES the Pope and says "you want a title shot, I WANT A TITLE SHOT, FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW IN A TITLE SHOT MATCH!, I'M NOT A WAR MACHINE BECAUSE THE WWE HOLD THE COPYRIGHT TO THAT PHRASE, I AM NOW A WAR ROBOT!" and makes robot noises! Then he picks up Pope and Pope ROLLS HIM UP and So Cal Val counts the three and Pope's got a title shot by beating Rhyno!!

Hogan: Dude, you lost me at the gay. I ain't no homophobe, brah, I even shook hands with the Brookyln Brawler one time, but you got to remember we've got children watching and kids shouldn't find out homosexuality exists until they turn eighteen. That's how I'm rasing Brooke and Nasty Nick and they've turned out to be great kids. Maybe Orlando and Kipp could kiss some SEXY TWINS (female twins)? There has to be some sexy twins we can hire! But I'm fine with Rhyno and Pope doing their stuff, it's all meaningless anyway!

Segment Five

Russo: Scott Hall and X-Pac come out and say "hey yo, DIESEL ENGINE, we be here, but it don't look like you got no tag partner or nothing, ha ha ha!" Then Nash says "that's where you're wrong, here is my partner!" and out comes BIG SID (his offcial name!) Sid is wearing tights which say "HALF A BRAIN" on them which is a SUBTLE reference only internet fans will get...so have Tenay and Tazz draw attention to it and keep laughing all throughout the match. Nash and Sid hit STEREO POWERBOMBS through TABLES and finally Nash has revenge on The Band! However afterwards Big Sid grabs the mike and says "REMEMBER OUR AGREEMENT! WE WILL NOW HAVE A CONTEST TO SEE WHO THE REAL KING OF POWERBOMBS IS!" and Nash says "Umm, sure, big man. Hey, look over there!" and points at So Cal Val and while Big Sid is distracted Nash gives him a LOW BLOW (but not a powerbomb, obviously neither of these men are ever going to take that bump so this feud will have no payoff)

Hogan: Umm, I never actually pinned Sid at WrestleMania 8, did I? In fact that nasty Mumbo Jumbo Vodoo Man Papa Shango messed up the timing and Big Sid even got to kick out of my legdrop! So this is a good idea bringing Big Sid in, because it means I can have a match with him (maye this week if there's time!) and pin him with the legdrop. Except I can't actually do the legdrop anymore. So brass knux then. Dude! Uhh, anyway, the match is fine. Can we just get onto a segment which has me in it, please?

Segment Six

Russo: Okay, let's pop a rating with this one, HULK HOGAN comes marching out to the ring and says "I know this isn't scheduled yet, but I could wait no longer, brothers! I'm calling out EVERY champion in TNA for a sepcial meeting in this ring to discuss the future of TNA right now!" Instead of the champions, JEFF JARRETT comes marching out in STREET CLOTHES and says "Hogan, I can't stand listening to you no more! You think you know what's best for TNA? I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR TNA. I put the T in TNA! And the N! And the A! And ain't I GREAT?" Then he pulls a GUITAR out of his tights and threatens Hogan with it! Hogan says "take a swing, brother, I'll just Hulk Up and give you three punches, a big boot and a brass knux shot, brother!" Jarrett swings but at the last second BRUTUS BEEFCAKE jumps in the path of the guitar and takes it right in the head! Then Hogan cradles Beefcake in his arms and cries "no, NOOOO, not the Beefster, he was my best friend!" Beefcake in his DYING MOMENTS (of course he's not really dying, it's just acting!) hands Hogan a pair of SCISSORS and Hogan starts Hulking Up and says "Jeff, I challenge you to a HAIR VERSUS HAIR MATCH!!!"

Hogan: You know, I don't think it necessarily needs to be acting.

Russo: What?

Hogan: When Beefcake takes the guitar. I think he'd be willing to die for real!

Russo: Umm...we just use fake guitars.

Hogan: Fake guitars, that's bullshit, brah! The fans don't want to see no fake guitars or six sided rings or Curry Man or any of that crap! They want REAL guitars! Look, Beefcake's probably suicidal anyway, you would be too if you had his life. This will show that he's willing to die for Hulkamania!

Russo: Uhh...okay...

Hogan: Then it's settled! Also, Jeff Jarrett should be wearing purple which everyone knows is the colour of EVIL to show that he's EVIL and I'm good. And he should say "these stinking fans!" randomly when he's talking.

Segment Seven

Russo: Mister Anderson comes out to the ring with the American flag on a poll and says "Kurt Angle! Let's settle this once and for all in a capture the flag match!" And Kurt Angle comes out and says "it ain't not gonna by that easy for you or nothing! If you win this match I will EAT the american flag LIVE on tv! But If I win the match...I get to roll you up in the flag and throw you off a bridge!" Then Anderson looks around and says "IT'S ON LIKE TAMPONS" and smashes his microphone into Kurt's eye and the microphone EXPLODES and Kurt blades and Tazz says "oh no, he's blind!" Anderson then gets the pin PULLING THE TIGHTS and takes out some bread and puts the flag between it so that Kurt can eat it as a SANDWICH! Kurt takes a big bite right out of the middle of the sandwich flag and the fans BOO but then Kurt pulls the bread away to reveal it's actually the CANADIAN flag with a big hole bitten out of it and he switched them somehow! Then Kurt starts MAULING Anderson with STIFF FOREARMS and BITES until Anderson TAPES OUT and Kurt pulls on the ring apron and the whole thing rolls over Anderson and somehow the ringmat was a GIANT AMERICAN FLAG all along and then Kurt gives Anderson a 450 splash wrapped up in the flag!

Hogan: Dude, I'm on the phone to Brian Knobbs right now, he's fallen over in the show...shit, he's stuck in his tub...I'm going to have to go over there and pry him out...yeah, do that shit with Kurt, I don't care!

The rest of the script was so completely obscured by semen stains that I couldn't read it!

And now for my EXCLSUIVE interview with Daniel Bryan! What a jumped-up prick he turned out to be, as you're about to discover!

Me: OMG, it's Daniel Bryan!

Daniel: Hi, good to talk to you.

Me: It's so kewl to be talking to you, dood!

Daniel: Haha, you a big fan?

Me: No, but you know The Miz! Miz is awesome!

Daniel: Haha, he's a bit of a jerk.

Me: Stop saying "haha" so much.

Daniel: Look, I'm just trying to keep things nice and friendly, I have a good relationship with my fans...

Me: I'm not a fan! I didn't even know who you were before NXT! You never did shit before WWE!

Daniel: Look, I've wrestled all over the world...

Me: LIKE WHERE?

Daniel: Canada, Mexico...

Me: Oooh, it must be SO hard to work in Meixco, doing nothing but armdrags everynight in front of fifty drunks with air horns and cowbells!

Daniel: Japan...

Me: Who cares! Japan isn't a real wrestling company!

Daniel: I've wrestled in front of tens of thousands of fans in New Japan show...

Me: LIAR! There aren't even tens of thousands of people LIVING in Japan! It's just a stinking little island!

Daniel: There's some great wrestling companies running shows in Japan...

Me: So why do all the biggest Japanese stars like TAKA Michinoclue, The Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Yoko Zuna, Jimmy Wang yang and of course Kenzo Suzuki come to America to wrestle? YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER, DO YOU? It's becasue America is the place to be!

Daniel: I thought Hot Newz was a respected wrestling journalist!

Me: That was my GAY uncle who was a GAYspected wrestling GAYalist! Did you never see his Hot Newz Shuffle? That was gayer than your haircut! I'm a whole new Hot Newz and I don't respect you or your submission moves!

Daniel: Fine. Just ask me some good questions.

Me: Your new finisher the Heel Hook...why is it such a GAY copy of Kurt Angle's ankle lock?

Daniel: The heel hook is a legit move used by many MMA fighters...

Me: MMA is all fake anyway and you've just PROVED IT by seeing the heel hook is a legit move! If it's legit then EXPLAIN THIS: why do you twist the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY than Kurt Angel does when he uses the ankle lock? If Kurt twisting the ankle that way hurts, then you twisting the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY must feel GOOD! You're actually giving your opponent a nice massage! You fruit!

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your "new" crossface is just Shawn Michaels' great crossface except you stick your foot in your opponent's face! What, are they supposed to pass out from the smell because you're a cheap indy guy who can't afford CLEAN SOCKS?

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your guilloting choke couldn't even beat da Great Khali!

Daniel: Hey, Khali is a former world champion, he's beaten The Undertaker...

Me: Years ago! And only because Raijin Shing stole the urn or something! His workrate is so low now that he can't bet Dolph Ziggler! He can't beat Matt Hardy in a dance-off!

Daniel: Look, he's got a big size advantage...

Me: FUNAKI has a big size advnatage against you! When are you actually going to WIN anyway? You've lost to everyone! You lost again this week!

Daniel: Miscommunication with my partner...

Me: No, you missed a move off the second-rope and Otunga gave you a shitty spinebuster for the pin! Why should I even care about you at all if you can't even win a match? WHY SHOULD ANYBODY CARE?

Danie: Come on...at least I'm better than Heath Slater!

Me: Okay, that's true!

PHONECALL ENDS

Well that's it for me, this job SUCKS I'm never doing it again, Uncle Hot Newz isn't coming back either because he's probably DEAD! SO BYE!

SAMOA JOE FOUND HIDING IN A KFC, CRYING "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO TNA AND RUSSO'S BOOKING!"? MARTY JANNETY TO SHOW UP DRUNK AT THE HALL OF FAME AND SHOUT "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME, SHAWN, THAT BARBERSHOP WINDOW WAS A REAL WINDOW!" THEN FALL OVER? THE REAL REASON HOT NEWZ QUIT IS BECAUSE HE MASTURWANKED HIMSELF INTO A COMA OVER LAYLA EL? UNDERTAKER TO TAKE A YEAR OFF AFTER WRESTLEMANIA BUT STILL WIN NEXT YEAR ANYWAY INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PUTTING SOMEONE OVER FOR ONCE, SERIOUSLY WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME HE DID A JOB, WAS IT AGAINST GREAT KHALI? MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF DIXIE CARTER SALINAS AND JEFF JARRET AT A NUDE BITCH DOING THE SPINAROONIE NAKED WITH VISIBLE NIP SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG/ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!