Royal Rumble 2014

OMFLOLFGOMFG I AM BIZZACK WITH MORE HOT NEWZ!!!!!!!1  Bet you NEVER EVAAAR thought you'd see Hot Newz back here agayne did you!  Well ONE THING and ONE THING only has brought me back here and that is the return of BIG TISTA (Batista)!!!!!!!!!  Batista is a MANLY MAN I have always looked up to who once would walk around backstage and would have a different Diva to blow him in every room!  Sure he got his ass-kicked by Booker T one time but he was probably tried going into the fight from all the BANGING he'd been doing!  Batista is now a GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE in some comic book movie for NERDS and FAKE GEEK GIRLS so he's had to come back to WWE to prove he's still a REAL MAN by winning pre-determined staged wrestling matches!  I can't hardly wait!

The WWE Network is finally lunching!  The Network will only cost ten bucks a month which is so cheap that even JTG will be able to afford it!  EVERY wrestling match EVER except those from TNA, ROH, New Japan, All Japan and Nazi Japan (a short-lived fed in the mid nineties owned by Dick Togo that Sabu wrestled for!) will be avaiable to watch AT ANY TIME and the servers will never crash once, not even when a million people try to watch WrestleMania at the same time!  Best of all the Network will include CHRIS BENOIT matches and finally we can go back and rediscover the fact that he did far too many German suplexes towards the end of his career!

Katilyn has been released!  Katilin was one of the finest, most sexiest, Divas around but she REFUSED to go on Total Divas and show her private life (which since we know nothing about it, I can only assume involved LESBIANISM!) so Triple H told her to get the F out (he fired her!)  You might also be wondering where the lovely Layla is!  Layla was actually released from HER contract six months ago when she turned 36 and Vince said "CHRIST THAT'S OLDER THAN LINDA WAS THE LAST TIME I BANGED HER" but she was made to sign a ONE YEAR no compete clause because Vince knew that even a 36 year old Layla in TNA could turn the ratings around!  So there's just six months to go before we find out if a 37 year old Layla in TNA can turn the ratings around (spoiler: she can't!)

Now it's time for my FULL and exclusive Royal Rumble spoilers!

The Big Show versus Brock Lesnar - Lesnar does a belly to belly suplex so Cole can say "I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYONE DO THAT TO THE BIG SHOW BEFORE" even though Lesnar did it eleven years ago!   Big Show makes a comeback by hiptossing Lesnar (Cole: "NEVER BEFORE...") and he goes for the knockout punch but Lesnar DUCKS and Show punches the turnbuckle hurts his fist and Lesnar rolls him up with his feet on the ropes for the pin!  Then Heyman sneakily removes a GOLD BAR he'd hidden in the turnbuckle knowing Show would accidentally punch it!  Then Heyman says "as Brock Lesnar qualified for the Royal Rumble eleven years ago by beating the Big Show in a match if you remember, we have decided that Brock Lesnar will AGAIN be in the Royal Rumble THIS YEAR and by that I mean he's going to be in tonight's Rumble match!" and Lesnar says "AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Daniel Bryan versus Bray Wyatt - Bryan wins in four seconds with a RUNNING SMALLPACKAGE!  Wyatt then smiles and pulls a cellphone out from between his buttcheeks (eww!) and says "I'm putting the call in.  I need you to take the TRASH out tonight!"

Backstage Kane is GLOATING to his OLD FRIEND Daniel Bryan that CM Punk is going to be number one in the Royal Rumble, while Bryan draws HIS number out of a big tumblr and Bryan looks at his number and SMILES then Kane looks at it and SMILES too but then AJ Lee runs up and starts CHEST SLAPPING them both like a girl crying "neither of you were as good in bed as CM!"  But this is just a distraction because you see Punk SNEAK UP and SWAP his number with Bryan's then he walks away LAUGHING to himself and Bryan and Kane grab AJ and pick her up and carry her away(!?) and Bryan says "It's time AJ experienced some DOUBLE TEAMING!"

John Cena veruss Randy Orton in a NO COUNT OUT NO TIME LIMIT match - Lilian says  the "NO COUNT OUT NO TIME LIMIT" part really loudly so that teh rubes understand!  They have an EXCITING 30 minute matches where they each hit all their moves and the other guy kicks out!  Then finally Orton gets bored and RUNS AWAY up the aisle but Cena RUNS AFTER HIM and you see Randy jump on a MOTORBIKE and ride away!  Then Cena fins the only car is a cop car so he drags the cop out of it and says "officer, I have the utmost respect for you and the law!" and gives the cop an AA on the floor and donut powder flies everywhere!  Cena then stealst he cop car and chases after Orton!  This is important later!

Backstage again we see Kane and Bryan EATING POPCORN watching as THE BELLA TWINS practice double team moves on AJ!  It wasn't rape after all!

Royal Rumble Match - Number 1 is Daniel Bryan who gets the whole crowd chanting "yes!" in the way he does!  Number 2 is Santino Marella who is BACK and he kicks Bryan's ass for two minutes with fireman's carries and hiptosses until Bryan dropkicks him out the ring!  Then Michael Cole says "hey, I'm going to get a selfie with Santino while he's out here!" and jumps in front of him but Santino REFUSES THE SELFIE!  This is the start of Santino's heel turn (only a heel could refuse a selfie!) and he will be the evil Italian foreign heel Hulk Hogan faces at WrestleMania!  For number 3 THE WYATT FAMILY MUSIC plays and Daniel Bryan stares INTENSELY down the aisle but then the lights come back in and DUKE THE DUMPSTER DROESE (because Bryan looked like him when he was in his Wyatt overalls okay that's the joke) is standing in the ring and he hits Bryan with a garbage can and Bryan goes flying over the top rope!  Then he empties the garbage on Bryan and it's pig shit!  Then the fans groan and you hear Vince McMahon's voice speaking over Cole's headset and he says "we booked him to eliminate a big star like Santino but the fans still don't care about him!  I give up on Daniel Bryan!"  Don't worry though because this is a SPORKED SHOOT and Bryan will turn heel and join the Wyatt's (again!) and be in Bray's corner when Bray wrestles The Undertaker at WrestleMania (no Bryan match on the card obviously!) but will turn face AGAIN when he raises Undertaker's hand in victory after the match and Undertaker fist bumps him to give him THE RUB!  Number 4 is The Miz.  Number 5 is Dolph Ziggler and he dropkicks the Dumpster out to a MIXED reaction because even though the fans are angry at the Dumpster for eliminating Daniel Bryan they still think he's kind of cool!

Number 6 is Kofi Kingston and Dolph backdrops him out right away just to get the Kofi Spot over with but Kofi HOVERS in mid air with his feet not touching the ground and just stands there LEVITATING above the floor!  Kofi then jumps back onto the apron and BACKDROPS Dolph out and there's a loud SHATTERING as Dolph crashes through the GLASS TABLE Kofi set up outside the ring to do his magician spot!  Dolph then BLADES HIS BACK but it's not shown on camera of course but the fans in the arena see it to create a BUZZ about Dolph's bleeding back which will be the talk of the internet!  Number 7 is Goldust.  Number 8 is An Uso.  Number 9 is THE REAL SIN CARA who had a special contract that says he must compete in the Royal Rumble even if he's been replaced by a new Sin Cara!  And he doesn't give a fuck anymore and he comes out smoking a cigarette and he pulls his mask off and he has a HITLER MOUSTACHE on underneath because he's trying to ruin the Rumble by being naughty!  Number 10 is Brotus Clay and he POPS A KIDS'S BALLOON on the way to the ring to prove how evil he is, but JBL shouts "you stole that from Big Bully Busick!" so he SPITS IN JBL'S COWBOY HAT as revenge!  Thne the next day on WWE.com it is announced that Brotus has been fined fifty thousand dollars for spitting because that's not PG!

Number 11 is Curtis Axel who comes out carrying a mysterious sceptre in a storyline that will be explained in the weeks to come!  Number 12 is THE ANIMAN BATISTA and he gives EVeryoNe a spinebuster starting with The Miz!  He STACKS FOOLS UP with spinebusters so that eventually everyone is lying in a pile with Miz on the bottom and an Uso on top!  Batista then goes outside the ring and starts to LIFT the ring on one side to TIP the ring over so that the pile of spinebusted fools will TOPPLE and they'll all fall over the top rope and be eliminated!  He's practical!  But then BROCK LESNAR comes crashing through the barricade shattering it at knee level and right into a chopblock (a chopBROCK!?) on Batista's knee!  Brock then puts The Kimura on Batista's leg and you hear his leg POP and it's broken and Batista is carried away on FOUR stretchers because he's so big!  Can Batista recover in time to have a disappointing match with Brock at Wrestlemania?  I hope so!  Number 13 Brock's music plays because he was number 13!  Lesnar starts picking up fools off the top of the stack of fools, starting with An Uso, and giving them F-5's over the top rope!   He eliminates An Uso, Brotus, Curtis Axel, Goldust, Kofi and The Real Sin Cara (who NO SELLS the F5 when he is eliminated because he's still shooting and runs off through the crowd high fiving the men and making out with the women!)  Before he can eliminate Miz it's time for number 14 and there's the sound of a lear jet landing(!?) and "did you smell what the Rock was cooking?" (his new theme!) plays and THE ROCK sprints down to the ring and backdrops Lesnar out and grabs a mic and says "WE ARE LIVE!  Brock!  You!  Me!  WrestleMania!  Next year!  I'm too damn busy this year!  2015!  See you then!  Paul Walker, The Rock loves you!" then jumps over the top rope and runs backstage again and you hear his jet taking off!  Number 15 is Xavier Woods and the Miz puts him in a figure four for two minutes!

Number 16 is R TRUTH and he's carrying a Funkadactyl on each arm!  He unties Woods from the figure four and says "damn, your leg is too hurt for you to dance!" and Miz says "aww, shucks, if i'd known my figure four would have hurt your dancing I never would have done it!" and Truth says "I guess Miz will just have to step in!" and Miz says "okay, Ron!" and Truth says "don't use my real name, MIKE!" and Miz says "Haha, you got me there, bro!" and Woods says "what the fuck are you two talking about?"  Number 17 is SCOTT 2 HOTTY in one of those surprise appearances no one cares about five minutes later and he gives shades to Truth, Miz and Woods and all GET JIGGY WITH IT (Woods dances sitting down!) for two minutes!  Number 18 is an Uso.  Dancing.  Number 19 is Damien Shadow and he won't stand for any CHILDISH dancing and he eliminates Scotty 2 Hotty to get massive heat from people who care about Scotty 2 Hotty (so from EVERYOENE then since the five minutes aren't up yet!  Number 20 is Cody Rhodes and him and Damien go at it to remind everyone of their epic feud!

Number 21 is Michael Cole and he explains "I entered myself in the Rumble so I could take a selfie of myself in the Rumble!"  He gets in the ring and takes a selfie with everyone in the ring and they all pose and smile for the selfie even Damien to foreshadow his coming face turn!  Number 22 is RYBACK (AT LAST!) and he comes out with one side of his body painted as the Ultimate Warrior and one side painted as Goldberg!  And he tweets "this is because we haven't decided if I'm SQUASHING Golberg or Warrior at Wrestlemania yet hahahaha!" when he gets in the ring.  (In fact this is a swerve and Ryback will actually take on THE SHOCKMASTER at Wrestlemania!  Shockmaster will trip and fall getting into the ring and his helmet rolls off and Ryback laughs and says "now to eat you!"  But then when Shockmaster stands up it's reveal that he is SID and he POWERBOMBS Ryback and pins him with one foot and says "do onto the MAN as he would do onto YOU but you see I AM THE MAN and I'm doing onto you before you do onto ME because yo'ure NOT the man but I'm doing it onto YOU anyway, MAN!"  Anyway!)  Michael Cole sneaks up behind Ryback and eliminates him while he's tweeting!  Cole then climbs over the top rope to eliminate himself because he's a gentleman!  Number 23 is CM Punk and he improbably eliminates everyone in the ring single-handidly rendering the entire match meaningless up until this point!  Number 24 is BAD NEWS BARRETT and he comes out on his big lifting thing and he's HIGH UP looking down on the ring and he says "The bad news?  Is that I'm just going to sit here on my crane thing until everyone else is eliminated and I'll be the winner and the worst winner since 1999 at that!"  Then TEDDY LONG comes out and says "hold on a minute, playa!  Now the rules of the Royal Rumble CLEARY state that if you're OVER the top rope you're ELIMINATED once your feet touch the floor!  Well playa, it looks to me like your crane thing is OVER the top rope and way up in the sky!  So unless you can get to the ring without your feet touching the floor you're ELIMINATED!" and does the Teddy Long shuffle!  Then Barrett looks angry and tries to JUMP to the ring but he comes up short (by thirty feet!) and lands on a huge crash mat which is hidden by CLEVER CAMERA WORK and this is so he can disappear for three months because let's face it the Bad Newz Barrett gimmick is shit and he'll come back after WrestleMania as Lock, Stock and Barret since Vince has finally seen Guy Ritchie movies and the details of that gimmick are still being worked out!  Number 25 is Seth Rollins.

Number 26 is Dean Ambrose (hmm.)  Number 27 is Alberto Del Rio.  Number 28 is Jack Swagger.  All the heels TEAM UP to destroy Punk because they don't want him dropping another pipe bomb and putting their jobs at risk!  Number 28 is Antonio Cesaro and suddenly he PUMPS UP and charges to the ring to save Punk because this is his face turn!  He gives Seth Rollins a Giant Swing with NINETY NINE revolutions (saving one hundred for WrestleMania when he takes on Fandango!) ending with swinging him right over the top!  And Punk eliminates Swagger and Del Rio with one arm each on a double clothesline!  Number 29 is Fandango and he throws DANCER DUST in Cesaro's face to blind him then eliminates himself eliminating Cesaro to set up their WrestleMania match!  Number 30 is Big E Langstrom and Cole says "there's literally no chance Big E won't win now!"  But then VICKIE GUERRERO comes out and says "excuse me!  I have decided there will be a number 31 because I have AUTHORITy here he is excuse me!" and it's BRAY WYATT because Vickie's in the Wyatt family now!  Bray eliminates Big E (Cole: "...") then he and Dean Ambrose CIRCLE around Punk SMILING and LIPPING THEIR EVIL LIPS and Bray says "guess what, Vickie has said Luke Harper and Eric Rowan will be number 32!"  Then it cuts backstage and you see Luke and Eric both lying unconscioius and a doctor says "I think they've both been given a DDT!" and JAKE THE SNAKE walks out slowly waving his snake!  But before he can make it to the ring Roman Reigns runs in through the crowd and SPEARS Punk into the top rope and the top rope SNAPS and both Punk and Reigns hit the floor and a referee says "that counts as an elimination!" then Triple H comes out and says "oh yeah, Roman Reigns is number 33 BEST FOR BUSINESS!"  Then Jake finally gets in the ring and gives Dean Ambrose a DDT but then staggers back and falls over the second rope (which is now the top rope!) and Bray Wyatt eliminates Ambrose to win(!?)...

Then "HERE COMES THE MONEY!" plays and SHANE MCMAHON comes out and says "I'm back!  I brought golf to Japan but now I'm back to do something on the WWE Network and I'm fine with this life choice and also Bray Wyatt you own't win because MY POPS doesn't wnat you main eventing WrestleMania you incest face!" and charges into the ring and gives Bray the Super Shane Spear!  And the top rope elbow which looks shit but still better than Punks!  Then KANE'S music plays and KANE comes out on the stage in a suit and says "actually Shane...I'M WINNING the Rumble!  Remember that time I shocked your balls?  This will be worse!" and his pulls his suit off and it's just one of those break apart suits sexy male strippers wear and he has his gear on underneath and he chokeslams Shane over the top (second) rope to eliminate him...then Bray Wyatt eliminates Kane because he was still in too and Brays win!  Then Bray says "I'm going after the only title that matters at WrestleMania...The Undertaker's winning streak HAHA!"

But while Bray is celebrating RANDY ORTON rides down to the ring on his bike and slides inside and throws Bray out then JOHN CENA drives down the aisle in his cop car and it crashes into the ring and bursts into flames and Cena walks through the fire!  Remember their match DIDN'T FINISH earlier on so Cena quickyl gives Orton an Attitude Adjustment over the top rope onto the flaming cop car killing Orton(!?) and says "ORTON!  ME!  YOU!  WRESTLEMANIA!  IRON MAN FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE MATCH!"  And does this mean Cena actually won the Rumble instead of Bray?  Tune in to RAW To find out!

Sounds like a great Rumble! B ack never with no Hot Newz ever seriously this is the last one ever bye!

STING SIGNED FROM WWE BUT TO START AT THE BOTTOM ON NXT IN FEUD WITH CJ PARKER AND LOSE EVERY MATCH FOR SIX MONTHS?  JR TO CRYPTICALLY HINT AT SOMETHING ONLINE BY OVERUSING THE WORD "FOLKS"?  JERICHO TO BE OBNOXIOUS ON TWITTER?  TNA STILL EXISTS?  DOLPH ZIGGLER TO SIT DOWN NEXT TO ZACH RYDER BACKSTAGE, SIGH TO HIMSELF, RYDER TO TURN TO HIM AND SAY "SO HOW'S YOUR PUSH GOING?"  COLE TO TAKE A SELFIE OF HIMSELF IN A HOTEL ROOM BUT IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY AT THE MIRROR YOU CAN SEE A REFLECTION OF A NAKED HEIDENREICH?  HULK HOGAN TO INDUCT WARRIOR INTO HALL OF FAME BUT ONLY IF BROOKE HOGAN IS SIGNED BY THE WWE AND BEATS AJ AT WRESTLEMANIA?  AND ACTUAL REAL NUDE HOT NAKED PICS WITH NO CLOTHES ON OF ME, HOT NEWZ, EATING A CHEESBURGER AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

ROYAL RUMBLE

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25/1/09

OMG I am back with more hot newz! And the big newz is that hte Royal Rumble is coming, the GREATEST ppv of the year (except last year when Cena won, and all those times Triple H won, and that time Benoit won which seemed cool at the time but is a bit disturbing to watch back now!) Everyone in the WOLRD has their favorite Royal Rumble moment! For some it's when Ric Flair lasted two hours to win the 1991 Rumble. For some it's when Vince McMahon ran down at the ring and tore both quads at the 2005 Rumble (and that was pretty funny!) For me it's when Drew Carey offered Kane money to not kill him and Kane just titled his head to the side because he does not understand the concept of monetary currency! THis was great acting from Kane (better than anything Drew Carey himself has ever done let's be honest!) and should have won him an Oscar or something! Maybe if he'd died like Heath Ledger (may he rest in peace!) he'd get a sympathy one! I guess being LIVING DEAD doesn't count! I also liked the one where Undertaker brutally smashed Maven's head through a popcorn machine, then ATE the popcorn, then stuffed popcorn into the big gaping hole he'd just made in Maven's skull, then SERVED the blood-stained popcorn to CHILDREN from Maven's head! In fact those might have been in the same Rumble! In which case things really WERE better in the old days and the best days of our lives are GONE and all we have to look forward to is DEATH which will come a lot sooner than any of us think! But anyway, Royal Rumble this month!

WWE has fired a whole bunch of people! Not only have they fried losers no one cares about like JOHNNY DEVELOPMENTAL (who was in developmental!) they've also fired actual genuine cool people like D'Lo Brown and Val Venis! THis is just lazy and a huge mistake since TNA will steal up D'Lo and Val and put them under masks and turn them into a tag team named "They're Not Even On Our Roster!" who will beat Samoa Joe in a handicap match in their debut, lose to Jeff Jarrett the next week when Kip James turns face to help Jeff, turn on each other, have a blindfold match on ppv which Val wins after cheating by removing his blindfold, both disappear for three weeks then return as a tag team with no mention of the fact that they were just feuding! And no one wants that to happen! So I think WWE should hire back D'Lo and Val and here is my brilliant booking idea for how they should use them!

D'Lo comes out on RAW and says "I need to get my ass some god-ass respect around this ass if you recognise what I'm saying! Show me some respect or I'll give you a sudden impact, Stephanie!" (The sudden impact is that seated clothesline he did to Santino on his RAW debut and JR said "BAH GAWD THE SUDDEN IMPACT, HE'S BEATEN MANY A JAP IN JAPAN WITH THAT, LET ME TELL YA!" But then he never did it again and JR was moved to Smackdown as punishment for saying the word "jap".) Then instead of Stephanie out comes VAL VENIS in his old towel and everything and says "HELLO D'Lo! You know something, the Big Valbowski was going to a fancy dress party tonight dressed as his old gimmick, but instead of doing that how about I actually WRESTLE ON TV for the first time in three years, HEH HEH HEH!" So they just start wrestling and Val hits his mooves (remember his moves!) and goes up top for the money shot and hits it but when he does he holds his ribs in pain and D'Lo pulls down his tights to reveal a CHEST PROTECTOR underneath! ANd D'Lo gets the pin with the Sudden Impact (what else!) and says "I wasn't the only one invited to that fancy dress party!" and starts to walk away but Val charges at him for REVENGE and their heads CLASH and both men are carried backstage on stretchers and Cole says "Did you hear that, King, that was a VINTAGE noggin knocker, both SKULLS colliding there, I think they're probably dead but find out after the break!"

Then after the break D'Lo and Val are lying backstage out of it and GOLDUST gives them mouth to mouth to revive them (and touches both their dicks to stay in character as he does!) And they both wake up with AMNESIA and they look at each other in their old gimmicks and they look at Goldust in his old gimmick and think it's still 1998! Then all three (Goldust plays along becase he knows he'll get fired as soon as he isn't in a storyline!) go to Smackdown and aboslutely murder Kung Fu Naki with chairshots and set him on fire as revenge for him choppy-choppying Val's pee-pee! Then they form a comedy mid card tag team and lose every week but say funny 1998 things like "suck it!" and "Nitro sucks!" which makes the team worthwhile!

Bob Holly was also released but he can't be including in this angle because he sucked just as bad in 1998 as he does now.

I THINK YOU'LL AGREE that would be a great angle!

Cena's moves have all had their names brutally taken away! This is because little kids were asking their parents what "FU" stood for and all the parents replied "err, the Throw...Up. Because he throws the bad guys UP into the air!" But then the kids would say that "throw" doesn't start with a "f" and the parents would have NO CHOICE but to say "FUCK" in front of their kids! And obviously this situation couldn't continue to be allowed to continue so now his finisher is called the THROWBACK because he THROWS the bad guys onto their BACK! And the STFU is now called the STF which is stupid because there's still a F there and all kids will think that F stands for "FUCK" so I think the WWE should just get the F out!

Victoria has retired! Victoria first got involved in wrestling when the WWF (AS IT WAS THEN KNOWN) put out an ad for "ho's" to appear on Raw and "service" the wrestlers "if you know what we mean." Victoria didn't know what they meant and showed up anyway and was horrified when The Godfather tried to grab her boobies. She slapped him hard and Vince was watching and said "DAMN, THAT GIRL CAN SLAP!" and hired her on the spot. Victoria soon started a real life affair with the late, great Eddie Guuerrero (Vicki was still hot when he first married her and he even banged Chyna during the brief period when she was considered hot. Add Victoria and Lita (everyone had Lita!) to that and he's a banging legend, esse!) Victoria left the company in disgust after real life footage of her and Eddie having sex in a shower with Stacey "The Kat" Karter was shown on RAW (this was also when Jerry Lawler left in disgust!) She returned two years later and started a feud with her real life school friend Trish Stratus which was most notable for Victoria having the COOLEST ENTRANCE MUISC EVER in the form of "All The Things She Said" by The Underage Russia Lesbians (TURL!) Victoria also started doing the "jigglesault" at some point which is when she starts shaking like D-Von dudley only it's sexy because she's got tits (well, so does D-Von, but hers are nicer) then does a moonsault which never actually hits. Victoria turned face because people kept cheering the jigglesault and tag teamed with the UNDERRATED NIdia a few times where they once did a sexy dance at the top of the ramp which led to one of my top three wrestling related masturwanks of all time (true story.) When Nidia was released Victoria turned heel and went to Smackdown and started dressing as a banana and stuff. I don't know why. She will be missed!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO: Rob Van Dam (35), Paul Heyman (45), Shark Boy (????) and Ric Flair (73)!

And now for my EXCLUSIVE Royal Rumble report! Instead of telling you the boring mess that WILL happen, I'm instead going to tell you what SHOULD happen if the Royal Rumble was booked by me: Hot Newz!

Matt Hardy versus Jack Swagger - I don't watch ECW (I have a hot girlfriend I talk to on Facebook while it's on) so I don't know who Swagger is or anything. So I think Finlay should run in and say "Swagger, you noodlebrain, you ain't not good enough to be champion, let me wrestle Matt Hardy and if I win, I get the belt!" and Swagger is confused by the double negative and just kind of nods dumbly then Finlay hits Hardy with the irish stick right away but it's made out of STEEL instead of wood and he gets the pin and says "hahaha, the irish win again just like in World War 2, get him son!" and Hornswoggle comes out from under the ring dressed in red and and keeps biting Swagger until Swagger passes out from BITE PAIN. Anyway, you might think this sucks but the END RESULT is a heel Finaly as ECW champion feuding with face Matt Hardy and Jack Swagger in hospital with bite wounds, so who REALLY sucks here? Not me!

Beth Phoenix versus Melina - Santino grabs the mic and says "I'm sorry ladies, but the a-people would rather a-hear me talk than a-watch you wrestle!" in a funny SHOOT comment to start his face turn. "Here's a deal Melina, you latin temptress from Spain! If Beth Phoenix a-beats you, you must take part in a threesome with her and me, SANTINO MARELLA!" Then Beth looks shocked because she's not into threesomes and Melina rolls her up right away for the pin and the new champion! Then Melina says "that's right Santino, because I won now it's YOU who must have the threesome...WITH THEM!" and the Edgeheads Zach Hawkins and Kurt Ryder come out but they're both all oiled up and wearing ASSLESS chaps and pink ribbons and they start rubbing up Santino and stuff because they're a GAY TAG TEAM now and wrestling can never have enough gay tag teams!

Jeff Hardy versus Edge - They're having a good, ten minute match for ten minutes until a man in a TRENCHCOAT runs down with a tire iron and Jeff gives him a twist of fate then pulls the trenchcoat off to reveal it's CHRISTIAN and says "ah, so you were the one who attacked me in that hotel, ran me off the road and made my pyro explode somehow!" Then Christian says "no, you fool, I'm here to warn you! My evil brother Edge has a new ally, it's..." Then the lights go out and when they came back on there's a HIGHWIRE above the ring like in a CIRCUS(!) and KIZARNY(!!!) is walking on it and he gives a shooting star press to both Jeff and Christian taking them out then gives Jeff has crappy looking jumping double underhook DDT but onto a CHAIR so it looks deadly and Edge wins the title on a screw-job for like the tenth time making him look even weaker than before if that's possible! then Kizarny says "YESSSS that's right you never suspected me but this is how we ROLL in the circus, haha, you think I slept with bearded women to get to the top of the circus world, no, I got to the top by cheating and screwing over everyone, even the clowns, and I'm going to get to the top of the wrestling world in the same way!" THis sets up Edge and Kizarny versus Jeff and Christian at WrestleMania in a TLC match (Matt will be in the hardcore battle royal.)

John Cena versus JBL - Shawn Michaels comes down with NEW TIGHTS with dollar signs all over them and says "that's right, JACK, I have accepted my destiny and now I love my new boss and will do ANYTHING for him, JACK! Cena and JBL have a crappy match (it's Cena and JBL, what do you expect?) until Cena's about to win with the Throwback after THROWING JBL right onto his BACK (see it does work!) but then Shawn pulls the ref out and SUPERKICK Cena right in the mush (mouth!) Then JBL says "haha, well done, son, you done kicked his mouth but good!" and Shawn smiles then kicks JBL in HIS mush (mouth) and says "you pair of fools, I said I follow my new boss, but JBL isn't my new boss anymore, I've got a NEWER boss! And that boss is..." and HULK HOGAN'S music plays to start a new hot angle where Shawn is now working fo the Hulkster (who recently sold Pastamania for billions!) but if Hogan refuses to do the angle then Shawn says "actually I robbed a bank!" and superkicks Michael Cole and the whole thing is forggoten! Cena wins.

Royal Rumble match - This is what you've ALL been waiting for! This makes the previous four matches look like pointless wastes of time! Triple H is number 1 because he called Vickie fat and number two is Valdimir Koslov and Triple H just throws him over the top rope right away and the fans GROAN knowing that HHH is just going to dominate the whole Rumble! But then number 3 comes out and it's a big man in a mask and JR says "WHO IS THAT, KING, WHO IS THAT BIG MASKED BASTARD?" even though he's commentating with Tazz and not the King! Then the masked man gives Triple H a BICYCLE KICK taking his head off (not literally) and trhwos him right over the top! Then mystery masked man takes his mask off and it's FESTUS! Number 4 is JESSIE and he runs out with a bell to calm Festus down but Festus IGNORE IT and grins EVILY and kills Jessie too (not literally!) And JR says "BAH GAWD KING, WHAT FORCE, WHAT UN-EARTHLY FORCE OF EVIL IS CONTROLLING FESTUS, IF NOT THE BELL?" and PAUL BEARER(!) appears at the top of the ramp with the urn and says "this is just the beginning, OH YESSS!" Koslov is number 5 and Festus destroys HIM too and eliminates him to show he is the most dominant big man! Then Festus steps over the top rope and eliminates himself because he's still dumb and he wants THE URN and he cradles it to his crotch and walks away!

Number 6 is Goldust so he just stands around rubbing himself (the sick freak!) until number 7 is Cody Rhodes and they have a brother/brother face off until Cody kicks him in the gut and his foot gets stuck there since Goldust is the blob! Then Goldust starts stroking the helpless Cody (incest homo!) but Cody gives him an enziguri with his foot stuck in the gut, a gutziguri! Then a bunch of other people come in like Funaki and Golf Ziggler and KANE whose push his descreased so much that he doesn't eliminate ANYONE whereas 8 years ago he'd eliminate 15 people! Then also Mark Henry and Kofi Kingstone and some guy no one recognises who turns out to be DH Smith (he's back!) Then comes Miz, the Morrison (since tag partners often draw the number next to each other in an amazing coincidence) and they eliminate DH Smith and he says "hmm, looks like I need some back-up...some ANVIL back-up!" to set up and him and Natayla feuding with Miz and Morrison over the tag titles in an inter-gender-bending war! Then MVP comes in and FINALLY the Underatker who eliminated Goldust, Cody, Henry, Kofi, DH, Ziggler, Miz and Kane within seconds making the last twenty minutes pointless! But MVP and Morrison hang on because they're getting BIG PUSHES in 2009 in the Hot Newz booked WWE (see my book, How I Would Book WWE In 2009 To Make It Better Than It Will Be which will be published in 2010!)

Then the Rumble goes on as Rumbles do with a bunch of OTHER GUYS coming in like Rey Mysterios (remember him?), Santino, Tazz as a SURPRISE ENTRY, Tommy Dreamer (eliminates Tazz to foreshadow his heel turn as only a heel would elminate the beloved Tazz!), Khali (a bunch of fat girls run into the ring to kiss him and he steps over the top rope to escape!) and of course Burchill. Then Jericho comes in and uses his SMARTS to eliminate all those guys except MVP who is too SPIRITED now (and except Undertaker too who is lying outside the ring holding his knee with no explanation) and then Orton comes in and says to Jericho "hey if we put our smarts together we can win this thing, haha!" and Jericho says "haha!" too. But then SHAWN MICHALES is number 28 and eliminates Jericho and Orton but then says "haha, JACK, I'm giving my title shot to the Hulkster, brothers, I love I money!" But then number 29 is CM PUNK who as you all know has a HIGH MORAL FIBRE running through his diet so he FLIES right at Michaels and they BOTH go over the top! Then JR says "MY GAWD, THE INTEGRITY OF PUNK IS SO GREAT THAT HE SACRIFICED HIS LIFE, HIS ROYAL RUMBLE LIFE THAT IS, TO ELIMINATE HBK!"

This leaves MVP and Undertaker and MVP is going to hit Undertaker in his injured leg but he throws the chair away because he has INTEGRITY too and then number 30 is KENNEDY in a shock, trying to recreate when Cena was a shock entry the previous year except Kennedy sucks! And MVP just boots him out right away and says "that's for being an obnoxious over-bearing asshole and starring in a bad movie!" and the fans cheer and MVP is now a top main event face and Kennedy is a bottom rung heel where he belongs. Then Undertaker chokeslams MVP over the top to APPARENTLY win and musses up his hair to give him THE RUB~~!~! But then "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME" plays (it's Vickie's new music!" and Vickie comes out and says "EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME! Because of Tazz taking up an extra place there will be a number 31 entry in this damn Rumble for the first time ever!" Then the BIG SHOW'S music wins and Taker goes into his MMA stance ready to fight but Show is actually under the ring and he cuts a hole in the canvas to SNEAK up on Undertaker, but Show is so FAT that he gets STUCK in the hole like Winnie the Pooh! And Taker just laughs and kicks him in face a bunch of times then gets him ont he ropes...and then VICKIE snakes up and pushes them both over! And Vickie says "Haha, I've won, haha!" BUT THEN "I'm All Grown Up, Now, And I've Listened And Read Lots Of Books With Lots Of Pages And Lots Of Words" which can only mean STEPHANIE MCMAHON is surprise entry number 32! And Stephanie SLAPS Vickie right over the top rope and says "you just got bitch-slapped by the biggest BITCH in bitchland!" to a huge pop. And then TEDDY LONG'S music plays and Teddy comes out, takes one look at Steph and says "ain't no way I'm gettin' in the ring with that crazy ho!" and just walks away! Stephanie uses her title shot to take the Diva's championship from Maryse at WrestleMania with a banzai drop!

I think you'll all agree that this would be a FUN Royal Rumble and isn't that what the Royal Rumble, more than any other event in human history, is all about? Fun? The Royal Funble? Yes!

As SOME OF YOU (the educated ones!) will know, lots of wrestling people were interviewed by the DRUG POLICE to see if there's any DRUGS being used in wrestling! These interviews were REALLY long so I've condensed and summarised some of them into little mini interviews (miniviews) for your enjoyment! ENJOY!

First up the investigators talked to Dixie Carter, the HOT owner of TNA!

Investigator: Hello, Dixie Carter.

Dixie: Hi, ya'll! How ya'll doin' today, ya'll?

Investigator: Umm, fine. So, drugs.

Dixie: Y'all offering me some drugs? That's bad! The bible says the body is a temple. I read the bible with Vince Russo when we're brainstorming for angles,ya'll! We're trying to come up with a Noah's Ark story where the Impact Zone is flooded and everyone but Shark Boy (he's a shark!) has to get in a boat made by Sting to escape! BUT CAN THEY TRUST STING!?

Investigator: ...

Dixie: They can, he's a good man!

Ivenstigator: I was just going to ask if any of your wrestlers are on drugs.

Dixie: Oh, they all were once, every last one of them. Every single wrestler to ever wrestle has been a drug addict. Even Sharko Boy. But I told 'em to clean up their act and made some vague threats about drug testing which we still haven't carried out!

Investigator: All your wrestlers do drugs?

Dixie: Not any more! Not since Midway made the excellent TNA Impact video game! They all play it backstage instead of playing with drugs. You should play it too, it's a great game, y'all!

Investigator: Riiiight. What I was asking, mainly, is if any of your wrestlers, say, take steroids to improve their look.

Dixie: Well, the fans do chant "STERIODS, STERIODS, YOU LOVE STERIODS" as Scott Steiner. So he probably does. So you should arrest him. But no one else does.

Ivenstigator: No one?

Dixie: Seriously, take a look at this pic of Samoe Joe.

Investigator: Eww! He's so fat!

Dixie: Exactly, y'all! He's a fat bastard and we STILL push him because he's good in the ring! That shows you don't need to take steriods to get ahead in TNA. You just have to suck up to the booker! Take a look at this pic of Mick Foley. THAT is a pic of someone who sucks up to the booker!

Investigator: Right, well, I guess that's all...

Dixie: Y'all should come down to the Impact Zone and watch a show! I shouldn't tell you this, but Joe's about to turn heel on AJ by kicking him in the nuts three times then pushing his grandma off her rocking chair! It'll be a hoot!

Investigator: Seriously? Who is your show even marketed to? It doesn't sound suitable for children.

Dixie: Oh, it isn't. We're mainly marketed towards idiots! You know, fat forty year old men who still live in their parents' basement and blog about how much the new Star Trek movie is going to suck because the Bridge looks stupid. Those kind of freaks! Haha, I hold them in such contempt! And yet they keep making me richer!

Investigator: Thanks for your time!

(The Investigator checks out Dixie's ass as she leaves.)

Next up they spoke Vince McMahon HIMSELF along with his evil lawyer Jeremy McDiggit (his name is a rib on Randy Savage!)

Investigator: Hello Mister McMahon and thank you for joining us.

McMahon: Huh, the Rebuplicans are smiling even though Obama won, huh?

Investigator: Umm, yeah. Would you like to take a seat?

McDiggit: Don't answer that.

Investigator: Huh?

McDiggit: What are you trying to pull here?

McMahon: Yeah, what are you trying to pull here, pal?

McDiggit: Good faith! We came here in good faith!

Investigator: I...I...what? I only asked if...

McMahon: SHUT UP!

McDiggit: Just ask your first little question, you mortal.

Investigator: Well, umm, I was hoping to, uhh, get your thoughts on...steriods?

McMahon: My thoughts?

McDiggit: I can't believe this shit.

McMahon: Jeremy I don't understand what he means by thoughts.

McDiggit: My client has been having an existential crisis lately and doesn't know if his thoughts are his own. SO DON'T ASK FOR HIS THOUGHTS.

Investigator: Well what about your opinion then, on steriods?

McMahon: I have no opinions on steriods, pal.

Investigator: None?

McDiggit: Wipe the dried up semen out of your ears, he already answered your stinking question!

McMahon: No opinions! I'm not even sure what they are!

Investigator: But you have admitted to using steriods in the past!

McMahon: I can't remember.

McDiggit: HE CAN'T REMEMBER.

Investigator: What did you think the steriods were going to do when you took them?

McMahon: How the fuck should I fucking know, pal? I'm a layman. I used a lot of stuff in the eighties. Big giant blocky cell phones, for one. I don't know why I do half the things I do. I'm a layman.

McDiggit: A LAYMAN!

Investigator: But surely you must have some idea...

McMahon: No. No ideas. At all. None. Layman.

McDiggit: Tell them why they call you a layman, Vince.

McMahon: Because I'm a man and I get laid ALL the time!

McDiggit: All the time, baby!

(McMahon and McDiggit high five.)

Investigator: So about, umm, wrestlers. How do you decide who to make into a star.

McMahon: Well, first I check to see if they're sleeping with my daughter by watching her in bed through a secret peephole. If they are, and if they satisfy her, then I push them to the moon.

Investigator: And do their muscles play a part in their pushes?

McDiggit: HEY!

McMahon: Listen, we push guys without muscles all the time. Like Tazz. He won a match once. And yeah, it happens that 99% of our top guys are big muscular freaks. So what? They just have the it factor. Like Triple H. As soon as I saw him banging my daughter I thought to myself "Vince, that guy's got the it factor and I'm feeling horny." That's what I thought.

McDiggit: Umm, the transcripts of these interviews will never be released, will they?

Investigator: Don't ask me, I'm just a layman!

(The investigator does a crotch chop and leaves.)

McMahon: I don't think Bob Backlund did steriods either. There's another one.

McDiggit: He's gone, sir.

McMahon: Damn it, I didn't even get to say "we put smiles on faces!"

McDiggit: I'll have him killed for you, sir.

McMahon: Thank you. That'll put a smile on my face.

TRANSCRIPT ENDS

Wow, that was some great reading! Speaking of GREAT READING I'll be back soon with more Hot Newz, doodz!!!!!!!!!!

HOT NEWZ DISAPPOINTED WITH WWE FANS FOR GIVING UP ON CHANTING "JOEY STYLES" AT JBL SO QUICKLY? TEST AND KIDMAN KEEP BUMPING INTO EACH OTHER AT THE MALL? MICK FOLEY TO DO SICKENING EXPLOITATIVE ANGLE WITH HIS WIFE ON CHILDREN ON IMPACT SIMPLY FOR THE MONEY, RATINGS TO STAR AS LOW AS EVER? MARYSE REALLY PATT PATTERSON'S DAUGHTER AND HER MOTHER IS...MAE YOUNG!? PLUS EXCLUSIVE NEW PICS FROM THE BRAND NEW NAKED WRESTLING FEDERATION WHERE ALL THE WOMEN WRESTLE NAKED AND LOOK LIKE NATALIE PORTMAN AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

25/1/03

OMG! I am bizzack in the new year with some new Newz! And the biggest newz is that Willy Goldberg has met with teh WWE and is just minutes away fromn signing a contract! In case your a newbie fan and you dont know, Goldburg was a big star in teh WCW. From 1996 to 2000 he won 337 matches in a row before "Big Lazy the career-holding-downer" Kevin Nash used his political pool to force Goldbug to job to him! And he got into a fight with Triple H in a toy shop or something once. And his career was ended when Vinnie Russo made Goldberg dive head first through a monster truck windsheild in a wacky stunt and the most successful Jew in wrestling history hasn't wrestled since! but now he's finaly recovered and McMahon has offered him $10 million dollarz a year! But Goldberg will only sign if Vince gets rid of all the storylines involving dead bodies and rape and murder and women in skimpy dresses.

To try and keep his job, nixt week on RAW Bischoff will have TATU the hot Russian lesbians perform Victorias' theme music then have HLA with each other! but then Trish will come out wearing an American flag and say "get back to Moscow you COMMIE-DYKES!" and beat them up and announce she's now an american cityzen and singz "oh say can you SEEEE!"!!!1

Stephanie will have an other hewge surprise on Smackdown next week, a taped interveiw with The Rock! And The rock goes on and on about Stephanie's implantz and Goldust for like 15 minutes but then Rhyno gores him! And Rhyno's new gimmick is that he gores people who are doing boring interviews!

Next week, Sean O'Hair will tell kids to murder there parents!

Jericho is going to fight Stacey Keibler at No Way Out and Moolah and Mae are training her for the match!

Raven and Justin Incredible were fired because they suck! And Ravens okay because he's got rich parents but Justin is now homeless and sleeping rough on the streets! Servers him rite for all those crappy matches he had with Tommy Dreamer in ECDUBYA, IMNSHO!

I couldn't give you doodz the Royal Rumble booking sheet on Sunday beacuse I was still recovering from my hangover from New Years! And my sources told me taht the WWE knew it was leaked to me so they totally changed the results anyway just to make me look stupid those homogays. but here is the original booking sheet and it's much bettar!

Brock Lesnar versus The Big Show

They go to a double countout! Then Vinnie Mac comes out and says neither of them will be in the Rumble and there will be a mistery entrant instead. And Brock goes to give Vince the F15 but Vince kicks him in the balls and sez "don't cross da boss!"

Lance Storm and William Regal versus The Dudley Boyz

When the ref's feeling for knux he accidently strokes Regals penis and Regal says "you bloody dinnermasher, stop touching my willy!" and punches him out and gets DQed!

Torrie Wilson versus Dawn Marie

they're slapping each other like girls and pulling each otter's hair but then the Big Bossman runs out smoking a cigar for some reason and headbutts Torrie right on the head! And then he makes out with Dawn and says "I love it when a plan comes together!"

Criple H (lol) versus Scott Steiner

Steiner works over HHH's back with lots of cool suplexes (remember to remind Tazz to teach Scott some new suplexes, we don't just want him doing 10 belly to bellies!) and bearhugs and shit then HHH uses the knee (~!) to take control and lays Scotty out with a sleeperhold and then he takes a measuring tape out and measures Scott's muscles then measures his own and annoucnes that his muscles are twice as big! Then he sets a tent up in the ring and putz Steiner in it and goes in after him with the measuring tape then comes out and says he's measured there DICKS and his is three times as large and four times as wide! Then he goes back in again and pulls his trunks down and you hear Steiner scream and Scott comes out holding his ass! And then Tripel pedigrees him for the win and Steiner is now his bodyguard and his bitch!

Kurt Angle versus Chris Benoit

Angle hits Chris with his gold medals after 7 minutes amd the ref stops the match!

Royal Rumble match

Since our fans have such short attention spans a new wrestler will come in every 30 seckonds! And Shawn Michaels and Jeriko start and Chris puts him in the Walls of Jericho for ten seconds and it hurts Shawns crappy back so much that he has to be carried away on a stretcher (but he wasn't eliminated!)! And then Chris Harvard comes in and hides under the ring. And then Christian comes in and they do a special thirty second pose, then Edge comes in and says he wonts to pose with them but when they turn their backs he throws them both out and says it was the "me eliminating two masturwankers pose!" Then Tajiri comes in and Tommy Dreamer and that Italian Guy then Bill DeMott then Rey and Demott eliminates him in two seconds to set up a big-ass feud betwee them then some other midcarders come in then Vince comes out and says it's time for the mistery entrant and Al Wilson comes in! And up in teh rafters you can see that Dawn Marie and the Bossman are controlling Al with strings and they say he is there meat puppet! And Al's re-animated corpse spocks everyone out so they jump over the top rope to eliminate themselves but then Dead Man Walkin' the Taker's back! And he's dressed all in white and has wings and he's an angel now! And he says Al is an affront to god and last rides him over the top! But Bossman climbs down and throws Taker out to set up a feud then RVD comes in and Team Angle and Booker and Goldust but then the monstar Batitsta comes in and throws everyone out but only one of RVD's feet hits so he hops back in! then Kane comes in and they eliminated Batitista then Mattitiude Hardy comes in and tries to convert them to Mattitude but Kane says he believes in FREAKATUDE and chokeslams him over the top! Then John Cena raps about war on Iraq and Rikishi comes in and 3 Minute Warning and Test and Maven but then the angry Big Show comes in and tips over the ring like he did in WCW that one time and everyone but RVD and Kane fall out! And then Kane picks up RVD over his head like he's going to throw him out but instead he throws him straight up and catches him in a hug on the way down1 And RVD says they are co-winners and will fite Triple H in a tripel threat match at WrestleMania but Shawn Michales returns and gives them a double superkick, left foot on RVD right foot on Kane and they both fly out! and HBK thinx he's won but Chris Lewinski is still hiding under the ring and he throws Shawn out and he's the winner!

SIGN IDEAS FOR RAW IS SNORE

Quoth the Raven "never (going to work no) more"!

Jeff Hardy had sex with my sign (he thought it was a guy!)!

Uncle Eric molested his nephew!

Steve Austin in RAW Magazine? Shouldn't he be in CRIME Magazine!?

SIGN IDEAS FOR SMACKDOWN

Dawn necrophiled Al's corpse!

Undertaker - he's not a dead man, but his career is dead, man!

Chavo mowed Eddy's mullet!

Matt Hardy: VIRGIN 1.0!!!

And now for this updates interview with the damn Game himself, Triple H! Everyone on the internet hates Trips, but I'm going to try and separate fact from ficteon and get to the TRUTH! Is he evil or not!? Lets find out!!!!!!!1

Me: Time to interview the GAAAAAAAME!

HHH: Hi...

Me: Mwuhuhuhuhu!

HHH: Yeah, hi...

Me: It's all about the Game, and how you interview him! It's all about the questions you ask and if he can answer them. It's all about...

HHH: Could you shut up, nimrod?

Me: Sorry! So are you evil?

HHH: Huh?

Me: Everyone on the internet says that you're EVIL! You hold down talent and shit!

HHH: Not true!

Me: Oh! Glad we got to the bottom of that! So do you do roids!?

HHH: Depends what you mean by "do".

Me: Do you use steroids to enhance your physique?

HHH: Depends what you mean by "use", "to", and "enhance"!

Me: I see! But did you use your political clout to avoid working with Booker T?

HHH: Look kid, if I mention to my lover that I don't want to work with Booker's black ass, that's got nothing to do with business. If I tell the woman I love that he can't work the WWE style and should stay in meaningless midcard tag matches for the rest of his career, that's just me confiding in my lover! Just because I might mention to my significant other that I want something to happen, doesn't mean that it is going to happen.

Me: But your lover is Stephanie McMahon, the head writer!

HHH: That's just a happy coincidence!

Me: Why does Stephanie keep getting implants?

HHH: You know, if you're suggesting that Stephanie suspects that I don't really love her and I'm just using her to help my career, and that she feels insecure and keeps getting ridiculous implants because she thinks they'll make her more attractive to me, I can assure you that there's no truth in that whatsoever!

Me: What do you think of X-Pac marrying Chyna? Are you jealous!?

HHH: Of course not! Just because Chyna used to be my best friend and X-Pac used to be my lover, doesn't mean I bear any ill will towards them. I'm happy for Chyna, happy that he's finally found true love. X-Pac's a great catch, I can't blame Chyna for shacking up with her.

Me: Umm, don't you mean that Chyna was your lover and X-Pac was your best friend?

HHH: Uhh, yeah, that's what I meant...hehe.

Me: LOL, I think you're part queer like the Rock said on that video!

HHH: I am not!

Me: Then how come at King of the Ring '98 you said, and I quote "I'm not bilingual JR, but I am bigayual! Wait a minute, did I say that out loud!?" And what about the rumours that HHH stands for Hunter Hugs Homos!?

HHH: Now you're just being a big silly goose.

Me: And what about the famous curtian call incident in MSG on Nash and Hall's last night?

HHH: That's been blown out of proportion. Okay, I did come out and stroke Nash's hair, but I did NOT kiss him on the lips! It was on the cheek.

Me: With tongue?

HHH: ...

Me: Let's go back in time to your very first match in the WWF, a Pig Pen match with Henry Godwinn! Do you regret doing that match now?

HHH: Not at all. That's just another example of how I'll do anything to get to the top. Even rolling around with a fat pig.

Me: As evidenced by your relationship with Stephanie!

HHH: Hehe, that's a good one...I mean, uhh, shut up!

Me: Why are you working with Scott Steiner now?

HHH: There's been a lot of speculation that I'm working with Scott because he's so bad that I know the fans will turn on him and start booing him during our matches and cheer me, turning me face. So that I can then jump to Smackdown and beat Angle, Lesnar, Hogan and heel Rock when he comes back. But I'm really doing it because I like to help young struggling talent out!

Me: He's about 40!

HHH: Well I'm certainly NOT doing it just beacause I like to touch his hot muscular body. I don't know how those rumours got started.

Me: How come you only ever job to Shawn Michaels?

HHH: Look, if you're suggesting that Michaels gets to beat me because he's sleeping with Vince McMahon and he asks Vince to let him beat me when they're having GAY SEX with each other...I can neither confirm nor deny those rumours at this time.

Me: Why do you use the knee(~!) so much?

HHH: I have the largest knees in wrestling-uhh. Little known fact-uhh.

Me: Why-uhh do-uhh you-uhh talk-uhh like-uhh this-uhh!?

HHH: It's NOT a side effect of years of steroid abuse-uhh!

Me: LOL. Do you do Stephanie DOGGY STYLE?

HHH: All the time! Anything to avoid looking at her face! Shit, I didn't mean to say that, can you edit it out?

Me: Only if you stick a sledgehammer up Steiner's ass on the next Raw!

HHH: It'll be my pleasure! Oh wait, you meant my actual sledgehammer, didn't you? I suppose I could do that too.

Me: I look forward to it! Thanks for your time!

Bizzack sizzoon wizzith mizzore Hizzizzott Nizzizzewz fizzizzizzor all my homies (not homos!)!!!!!!!!!!1

HOGAN TO FEUD WITH BILL DEMOTT? BENOIT'S WIFE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH KEVIN SULLIVAN WHILE HE'S ON THE ROAD WORKING HARD TO PUT FOOD IN THEIR BABY'S MOUTH? TAZZ TO WEAR A BASEBALL CAP BACKWARDS? PLUS HOT NAKED NUDE PARTIALLY NUDE PICS OF BUFF BAGWELL AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!