KICK OFF SHOW
Buddy Murphy vs Tony Knees - Because nobody will care about this match it takes place RIGHT AT THE START of the kick off show when there's only two hundred fans in the stadium! Coach hasn't even arrived yet! So at the start of the match Murphy says "You know what, I'm too ELITE to wrestle in front of two hundred people! You could say I'm ALL ELITE, if you like!" But the two hundreds fans who arrived early are checking their phones and don't react! Then Tony hits Buddy in the face with his abs (a high crossbody to the face!) for the pin but says "I don't even went to be the Cruiserwight Champion! You could say I want to EVOLVE into something else!" And none of this is ever mentioned again.
Women's Battle Royal - NXT women like That One Whose Gimmick Is That She's Hot Even Though There Are Far Hotter Girls In NXT and That Tall Girl With The Assless Chaps make up the numbers! And also Kairi and Io but because they're small and young they're eliminated first by grizzled main roster veterans like Dana Brooke and Liv Morgan. Then everyone teams up to throw out Asuka (don't worry, Asuka marks, she's going to be repackaged as the Sky Captains' manager in NXT!) Carmella throws out Maria Kaneliss (she's being pushed so she won't go to AEW and show her ass!) to seemingly win but grabs the mic and says "hold up, hold up, don't ring the bell and declare me the winner...there's time for a DANCE BREAK first!" She starts to dance and R-TRUTH rises up from a hole in the ring and dances too! But Truth stops suddenly and says "wait a minute...this battle royal isn't over yet!" and grabs Carmella by the hair and BRUTALLY throws her over the top rope all the way to the ramp! (Carmella takes a sick bump to prove she's a good worker now!) And Truth says "HAHAHAHA, women might be in the main event, but a MAN won their battle royal, good gawd!" because he's been repackaged as a sexist heel who says "good gawd!" all the time! Then suddenly the ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S music plays and DANA WARRIOR(!) runs to the ring wearing his facepaint and tassels! R-Truth tries to give her a sidekick but goes right over her head and right over the top rope and Dana Warriror wins! Dana shakes the top rope and says "No MAN can win the WOMEN'S battle royal, so I won FOR ALL WOMEN after being possessed by the SPIRIT of my dead husband the Warrior! Which means, technically, that a man did win. Sorry." Then shakes the ropes some more!
The Revival vs Zack Ryder and Kurt Hawkins - Since nobody actually knows this match is happening, Ryder grabs the mic and says "This match is happening! If you used the internet like COOL PEOPLE DO you'd know this match was happening! Woo woo woo!" and the fans boo him! Then he quickly says "We're from here! We support your local sports team! Woo woo woo!" and the fans cheer him. Then Hawkins says "Yeah!" The Revival win in three minutes with the Shatner Machine.
MAIN SHOW
Kurt Angle vs Barren Corbin - This is put on first because Vince thnks nobody cares about old man Angle retiring! Corbin hits the End of Days right away but then just sits on his ass beside Kurt RUBBING HIS HANDS EVILY for about a minute! Corbin finally ARROGANTLY leands back to go for the pin but Kurt crucifixes him from there (like what happens to every heel who tries that type of pin, it's weird that they still do it!) and Kurt gets the win in one minute and four seconds! Then Kurt says "You know what? Forget the fact that I specifically asked for this match...that match sucked! I need a REAL opponent one with...RUTHLESS AGGRESSION!" And the fans pop and chant "WE WANT CENA/NO WE DON'T/ACTUALLY WE PRETTY MUCH DECIDED WE DO BECAUSE AT LEAST HES NOT CORBIN!" Then Vince comes out and says "so you want a real oppenent, huh pal? A real tough guy! A BRUTE. That's what you want? Well guess what, pal, I have just the opponenent for you! In fact, I have ten of them! Ladies and gentlemen, Kurt Angle's REAL opponents in his retirement match...the stars of the XFL!" Then TEN FOOTBALL GUYS in XFL jersies come charging into the ring and run right over Kurt! They kick the absolute shit out of him and run up and down on his beaten body, scoring "touchdowns" by violently spiking a football into his neck repeatedly! Finally all ten of them just pile onto Kurt and the referee counts three! The ring announcer declares "the LOSER of this match is Kurt Angle! The winners are the HOT YOUNG STARS OF THE XFL!" to get fans to watch the XFL now that they know its stars are better than Kurt Angle!
Andre The Big Giant Battle Royal - The two Saturday Night Live guys surprisingly run at Braun right away and each grab a leg and power him over the top! Braun looks confused and then the SNL guys pull their rubber faces (like in Mission Impossible!) off to reveal they were really BRAD SHAW AND FAROOQ the APA who had been PAID by the SNL guys to wear rubber faces and eliminate Braun for a Priceless WrestleMania Moment (or so Cole calls it!) Braun doesn't destroy them because he RESPECTS LEGENDS and instead runs backstage to kill the SNL guys! Kayla follows Braun with a camera man because she knows this is the REAL STORY and the battle royal is shown on a tiny spilt screen one twentieth of the size of the rest of the picture showing Braun running around backstage shouting "WHERE'S THE SNL GOOFS, ROAR!" at people! Then Braun sees a box that has MONSTER FOOD written on it sitting in the middle of the floor and says "I WANT SOME MONSTER FOOD, ROAR!" and starts to eat it when a CAGE falls from the ceiling and traps him! Then the two SNL guys walk out from behind a vending machine holding a CAGE CONTROL DEVICE because it was a trap they set! And Kayla says "I just want to know where they bought the monster food from!" Meanwhile the battle royal is won by, oh, let's say...Dolph.
The Miz vs Shane McMahon In A Fallz Count Anywhere Match - Even though everyone expects Shane to do something crazy like a shooting star press off a two hundred foot ladder onto Miz who's tied to an EXPLODING TABLE, Shane is a HEEL now so he only does shitty looking MMA so the fans will boo him! And he keeps letting Miz go for realism because everyone knows if you hold someone in a real MMA move for ten seconds or more they could die! Finally Miz gets a FLUKE Skull Crushing Finale onto a barbed wire chair in but Shane kicks out at one and a half! Miz knows he has to do something EXTREME to win so he climbs up the Titan Tron to jump on Shane! But once Miz gets to the top he starts to SHAKE in fear and says "I'm Hollywood, I need a stunt double!" and tries to swap places with a fake stunt double played by an indie wrestler (this was the part Kenny Omega would have played if they'd managed to sign him!) But the fake stunt double says "hey, why should I take this bump for you, Hollywood boy, I had to get shot for you seventeen times in The Marine 6 I'm sick of your crap!" and PUSHES Miz off the Titan Tron! Miz is actually swapped with a REAL stunt double here but Cole pretends it's really Miz falling by shouting "IT'S REALLY MIZ FALLING!" And real stunt double Miz lands on Shane anyway and gets the pin. Then Damien Sandow tweets "they never even called me!"
Alexa Bliss comes out to introduce the show (even though it's been on for four hours at this point!)! She says "I hope y'all are having a real good time, y'all! I'm sorry that the Andre The Big Giant Battle Royal was RUINED by Braun running away and I want to know why he ran away so Braun come out RIGHT NOW!" Then Bruan comes out wearing a CLOAK that totally covers his face and he can barely walk in a straight line for some reason! And Alexa says "Wow, Braun, you look kind of sexy in that cloak...I'm seeing a different side to you!" Bruan says "MONSTER WANT KISS ALEXA ROAR!" And Alexa says "okay, baby!" and climbs up a ladder so she's tall enough to kiss him and she does but after she says "Eww! That didn't taste like a monster's mouth! What's going on here!?" Then it cuts to the monster trap backstage and the REAL BRAUN runs right through the side of it like a cartoon and runs to the ring! It takes him about two minutes to get there because it's so far and Alex stalls for time by flicking her hair about! Finally Brock gets in the ring and says "I'm the real Braun ROAR!" and spears the fake Braun IN TWO because it was the two SNL guys ones standing on the other under a cloak! Then Alexa says "Eww, I can't believe I kissed a nerd! Hang on, isn't one of your dating Scarlett Johansson?" And the one who is says "I was on the bottom! It's not cheating if it's not your lips!" Then Braun laughs and says "you guys are alright!" and carries them backstage for medical attention and "#WrestleManiaMoment" pops up on screen.
AJ Styles vs Randy Orton - AJ acts like he's about to springboard up for the Phenomenal Forearm but sees that Orton is about to counter into the RKO and stops on the top rope. But Orton KNEW that AJ was going to stop so DOESN'T go for the RKO. And this standoff lasts five minutes as both know the inevitability of the other countering their counter to the counter so they just stand there staring at each other until AJ jumps back to the apron and yells "OWW, MAH ANKLE!" The ref goes to check on AJ and while he does EC 3(!) runs into the ring and hits Orton with a lead pipe! EC 3 says "Sunbathing with Dixie Carter? You said AJ was sunbathing with MY AUNT? That offended me! I know you were saying 'sunbathing' to mean "having sex!' My aunt is an amazing woman, she'd never have an affair with AJ Styles! I will end you for what you said about my aunt, Randy. You, and your entire stinking family. Your children will grow up never knowing a moment of joy, Randy, after I'm through with you. You will beg for death in the end. I SPIT ON YOUR WHOLE EXISTENCE!" EC 3 spits on Orton eight times then does his NEW POSE that takes thirty seven seconds to perform, before finally strolling out of the ring after spitting one last time on Orton's crotch. Then the ref turns back round at last and AJ gets the pin.
The Usos vs Aliester Black and Rick O'Shea vs The Bar vs Nakamura and Rusev - The match is cut down to four minutes for TIME REASONS and Nakamura is happy because it means he doesn't even have time to tag in and half-ass it! Everyone else does spectacular moves for threey minutes an fifty seven seconds until Heavy Machinery run in and start eating steaks and spazzing out in the ring and Cole says "#WrestleMania moment!" and it cuts away to a video package before anyone realises the match had no finish.
Lashley vs The Demon Finn Balor - The Demon comes out in full demon make-up but suddenly Lio Rush appears from nowhere with a big hose and sprays WATER all over the Demon! Then Rush says "if my calculations are correct, your Demon make-up will have melted in THREE MINUES not a Bischoff reference!" So Finn has to try to beat Lashley in under three minutes before he loses his demon powers! Lashley stalls by running around the ring for three minutes and the make-up fades away revaling that it's just Finn Balor under the Demon make-up. Lashley SMILES EVILY and punches Finn in the face but Finn doesn't move at all and Lashley shouts "OWW, MY FIST!" because he's HURT HIS FIST punching Finn! Finn then smiles evily(!) and takes out a wipe and wipes HIS OWN FACE OFF revealing the Demon make-up underneath! Cole quickly explains on commentary "OBVIOUSLY Finn knew what Rush was planning so he painted the Demon make-up on himself THEN painted make-up resembling HIS OWN FACE over that THEN painted a SECOND Demon layer over that so that just that first layer would melt and he could fool Lashley into punching him not knowing that Finn still had the Demon powers! It's just common sense!" Then the Demon gives Lashley the Cup of Grace to the balls and loses by DQ.
Samoan Joe vs Rey Mysterio - Rey hits the 619 and goes up to the top but DOMINIC gets up on the apron for some reason and distracts the ref. Then VICKIE GUERRERO(!) shoves Rey off the top rope and he lands right in the Cocacola Clutch and Joe wins! Vickie says "EXCUSE ME! That's right! Everyone knows that I gave birth to Dominic and Rey adopted him! But what you don't know is that Eddy Guerrero isn't Domnic's dad...JOE IS!" Then Joe looks disgusted and says "I ain't playing no child support, woman!" and storms off. This is to set up Dominic turning on Joe a month later and helping Rey win the title then revealing that nothing Vickie said was true.
The Boss And Hug Connection (urgh) vs Nia Jax and Tamina Snuka vs The IIconics vs Natalya and Beth Phoenix for some reason - To make sure the fans don't notice how sloppy Nia and Tamina are and how the Iiconics can't even convincingly walk in a straight line, Lacey Evans walks and walks around the ring wearing a SKIRT and carrying a HANDBAG which she swings whenever a spot is botched! Beth gives everyone the GLAM SLAM but gets carried away and ACCIDENTALLY gives one to Natalya too (the fans cheer!) then tries to give one to Lacey but Lacey swings the handbag back over her head and it knocks Beth out and Bayley gets the pin (this is foreshadowing a storyline where it's revealed that Bayley has developed a brain condition that has made her unable to experience empathy so she starts cheating all the time! Sasha teaches her to be a good person again by taking her on rollercoasters and stuff and then in the final vignette LEANS IN FOR A KISS and we don't know if they kissed or not but they both hint that they did on Twitter!) Lacey opens her handbag after the match revealing a brick of ice was inside!
Roman Reigns vs Drew McIntyre - They're having a normal match(!) when Dean Ambrose comes out to the ring with a CLOCK around his neck! Ambrose grabs the mic and explains that the clock is counting down to when his contract expires! Drew uses HEEL TACTICS like eyerakes and ropeeyerakes but Dean can't do anything because he's still under contract and would be fined! Then finally the hands of time run down and Dean's clock EXPLODES and he SMILES and says "Now I'm not under contract...I can do ANYTHING I want!" He gets in the ring and kicks Drew in the balls three times and the referee just shrugs because he can't DQ Roman since Dean isn't under contract! Roman hits the superhero punch (t's been renamed because DC threatened legal action!) and spear for the pin! Roman says "thank you...BROTHER" and hugs Dean after. Then as he leaves the ring the cops taser Dean for assaulting Drew and he's sent to prison for five years.
Daniel Bryan vs Kofi Kingston - Kofi keeps going for rolls up and Trouble in Paradise because those are the only moves he wins with, but Bryan keeps kicking out of both! So Kingston does a DOUBLE ROTATION Trouble In Paradise where he spins all the way around in the air TWICE before hitting the kick and seems to have the pin but just as the ref is about to count three HULK HOGAN'S music plays and the ref and Kofi and everyone stare up the entrance way in shock! Bryan then rolls Kofi up with a rolling prawn hold for the three! Big E and Xavier (who were at ringside!) rush backstage to find and kill Hogan while Kofi cries! Then KEVIN OWENS hits the ring to console Kofi but Bryan says "get out of my ring, fat boy, go eat a cancer burger while wearing a fur coat!" Then Owens asks Kofi if he should challenge Bryan and Kofi says "huh?" so Owens takes that as a yes and the match is on! Rowan tries to throw VEGAN POWDER (it's really just cocaine!) into Kevin's eyes but he ducks and the powder hits Bryan's eyes and blinds hm and Owens hits the stunner for the pin to win the title! Then it cuts to backstage and Big E and Xavier grab the sound guy and say "Where's Hogan! Where did he got after he told you to play his music!" The sound guy says "Hogan didn't tell me to play Hogan's music! KEVIN OWENS DID!"
Brock Lesnar vs Seth Rollins - Before the match Brock grabs the mic and says "if I lose, I'm signing with UFC, Vince!" Vince POWER WALKS out during the match and when Brock gets Seth up for the F-5 he shouts at the timekeeper (they hired a timekeeper just for this angel!) "that's a Torture Rack, Seth's tapping out, ring the bell, pal!" But the timekeeper sasses him by saying "That's just the set up for the F-5, Vince, nobody's going to think that's a Torture Rack!" While they're arguing Seth climbs up onto Brock's shoulders and hits The Stomp from there(~!) (it sounds cooler than it looks) and gets the three! Brock pops up right after the three and says "this time it's for real, bitch!" and walks out through the crowd whistling the UFC theme song! Then a month later Brock randomly returns on RAW to F-5 Roman and Braun and set up another Saudi Arabia match.
It's time for Elias to sing! After explaining that the local sports team sucks!(!) he's cut off by JOHN CENA! Cena has a special WM entrance where he's shot out of a cannon to the ring and lands on Sin Cara's trampoline and bounces right in and lands in front of Elias and points at him threateningly! But Elias says "It will have to be a tag match because I'm teaming with my new partner...OLIVER JOHN!" And a skinny developmental guy in glasses who looks VAGUELY like John Oliver hits the ring to no reaction since most of the people in the stadium didn't see his show or just saw the "wet hair like a paedophile" bit and forgot his name! Cena says "well guess what, I have a tag partner all lined up...the man from the deadside THE UNDERTAKER!" Then UNDERTAKER tries to come out through the same hole in the ring R-Truth used earlier but gets stuck! This is because Vince ordered the hole to be EXTRA TIGHT so Taker would get stuck to HUMILIATE him for doing Starrcast! And everyone is confused by stuck Undertaker until Elisa just swings the guitar at Cena but Cena ducks and it hits Oliver John right in the head and that ends the match! Cole says "don't worry, Oliver, you jackass, our comprehensive medical care will look after you!"
The show stops for thirty minutes while they get Undertaker unstuck so the Hall of Fame people come out and wave for thirty minutes!
Triple HHH vs Batista - The brawl right up the aisle right away since they can only take about two bumps each in the match and need distractions! Triple H is OUT-PUNCHING Batista (realistic!) until Batista shouts "GUARDIANS ASSEMBLE!" Suddenly a green woman, a guy dressed as a tree, someone who looks a bit like Chris Pratt and a raccoon come out! Cole explains "obviously Batista has hired indy guys to dress up as the superheroes from his Galaxy of The Guardians movies! That's Rick the Raccoon there, Sun King, Green Mistress and Woody!" But Triple H doesn't sell for them (of course!) and says "Yeah, well I've got some friends of my own, JACK!" and RIC FLAIR, ARN ANDERSON and X-PAC run out and start kicking their asses! "All members of the later, great Four Horse People faction!" Cole explains to the young fans. Before Arn Anderson can do anything ALICIA FOX sneaks up behind him and gives him a low blow! "I'll show YOU no condition to perform!" she says and goes for her crazy scissors kick but Arn reverses in mid air to a spinebuster through a table to a huge pop! Finally Hunter and Batista get back int he ring and Hunter takes his TWO bumps: two Batista Bombs! Then kicks out at two and does a crotch chop as he kicks out. Batista is shocked and goes for a third but Hunter backdrops him onto a SPACE CHAIR (a normal steel chair painted SILVER) Rocket Raccoon put in the ring! Hunter is going to hit a Pedigree when JAMES GUNN runs in and gives him a low blow! Gunn says "Listen, I don't want to be fired again...but just one little joke first. What's the difference between Vince McMahon and Michale Jackson? Vince only screws the DREAMS of young boys! Thank you!" Then he turns round to Stephanie hitting him with a PINK SLEDGEHAMMER for women everywhere! X-Pac then throws Hunter a spray can (that's why he was there!) and Hunter spray paints the sledgehammer BLACK (because he'd never use a pink one!) and hits Batista with it then gives him the Pedigree onto the space chair to win!
Ronda Rousey vs Charlotte vs Becky Lynch - Joan Jet pulls out because she's one of the people who actually did watch the whole John Oliver segment and not just the "wet hair like a paedophile" bit and is replaced by Jeff Jarrett and Road Dogg singing Bad Reputation! Charlotte just struts around the ring for most of the match letting Becky and Ronda fight since there was no real point putting her in the match! Ronda ABSOLUTELY DESTROYS and HUMILIATES Becky to make it look like a shoot! She makes Becky her BITCH and CLEARLY has her beat about ten times but keeps holding back to HURT HER MORE. Becky can do LITERALLY NOTHING against Ronda! Ronda just keeps taking her down and putting her in LEGBARS instead of armbars to show that she's just as dominant at working on legs as working on arms! Finally she says "I'm the real Thanos and it's time for the SNAP!" and SNAPS Becky's leg with a legbar! Becky shouts out "I QUIT, I FOOKIN' QUIT, I CAN'T FECKIN' CONTONUE, SHE'S KICKED ME ARSE, OWW!" but the ref doesn't accept it as a submission because she didn't tap out! Then paramedics come out and starting putting a cast on Becky's broken leg right outside the ring! Charlotte and Ronda have a normal back and forth match for ten minutes as the fans chant boring. Finally the paramedics finish putting Becky's cast on and want to take her backstage but Becky says "No you arses, roll me back in the feckin' ring!" and they roll her in the ring as Cole says "MY GOD, THE BRAVERY OF BECKY, BEING ROLLED BACK IN THE RING!" Rousey decides to finish Becky off with a diving headbutt and goes to the top rope, but Charlotte pushes Ronda off the top and her head just happens to hit Becky's cast and she's knocked out! Becky rolls over (Cole: "WHAT A HEROIC ROLL") onto Rousey and Charlotte just watches as Becky gets the three! Ronda pops right up after and tries to walk out through the crowd like Brock did, but the security woman who took out Gronk and Enzo spears her through the barricade, setting up a match between them in one year! Becky's music plays for about five seconds before it's cut off by the WrestleMania theme and LINDA MCMAHON comes out! Linda says "I just had to come back here to congratulate a very special woman on her amazing achievement tonight...my daughter Stephanie for making this match happen!"
Back next year with the exact same thing!
