26 fun wrestling facts to impress your friends!

OMG I am back with twenty six hot wrestlings FACTZ to impress your friends with!  You'll be the most popular person in your social group and all the chicks will want to sleep with you (unless you're a girl...except if you're a lesbian!) so you better read them fast before Jeremy McVittie gets them taken down!

- Goldberg invented the Jackhammer by accident!  He was trying to give Hugh Morrus a suplex when he slipped on a soda a fan had thrown into the ring during a twenty minute Hollywood Hogan promo!  He nearly killed Hugh Morrus but nobody cared because it was Hugh Morrus.

- The first ever "I'd rather be in Chyna" sign was actually held be a dyslexic Chinese tourist who was being forced to attend WWF shows against his will!

- The reason samoan wrestlers have such hard heads is due to an ancient samoan tradition!  That tradition is that Roddy Piper visits all samoan children when they're one year old and hits them in the skull with a coconut, to make their still forming skull bones go super tough!  Unfortunately this tradition was outlawed because it was seen as child abuse and because Roddy Piper is dead so expect upcoming samoan wrestlers to have weak skulls!

- Paige was born in a fish and chips shop as her mother didn't want to leave until she'd finished eating her deep fried blood pudding!

- Road Dogg Jesse James came up with his name after he drove by a dead dog on the road!

- The Rock learned how to be a great actor by having to pretend to like Mick Foley for years!

- Contary to rumours, Scott Steiner NEVER injected himself with steroids.  He had Rick do it for him!

- Scott Steiner invented the Frankensteiner after he tried to leapfrog a jobber but didn't get all the way over and the jobber's head got stuck in his crotch with Scott still in mid air!  Scared that people would think he was gay, Scott quickly closed his mighty thighs around the jobber's neck and flipped him over on the top of his head in an attempt to kill him to prove he wasn't gay!

- The segments of Khaleesi Tape Cesaro wears are actually giant nicotine patches as he's trying to quit smoking!

- The reason why the Stone Cold Stunner that Steve Austing gave Donald Trump that one year at WrestleMania looked so bad was because it was actually as shoot stunner!  Stone Cold had a vision of the future and saw that Trump would one day be president so instinctively stunned him on the spot to kill him!  The bump Trump took is actually the SHOOT bump anyone would take when hit by a shoot stunner!  But Trump didn't die because Lashley performed CPR on him off camera.

- "Jeff Jarrett: The Man You Hate To Love To Hate" is the greatest wrestling sign of all time!

- Santino Marella got the idea to become a pro wrestler after eating at the Hulk Hogan's Pastamania world headquarters in Italy!

- The reason why the WWE never attempted to take over UK wrestling before is because Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks threatened to squash Vince McMahon between their bellies if he ever tried it!  But someone told Vince last month that they'd both died so he said "TAKE OVER THE UK NOW, PAL!"

- Raven and Tommy Dreamer really did go to summer camp together, but they didn't fight over Beulah...they actually fought over Stevie Richards as all three were going through a "gay period" at the time!

- Hulk Hogan will make a surprise appearance at WrestleMania with his daughter Brooke!  Hogan and Brooke will come to the ring and she'll parade around in a bikini while Hogan smiles and sometimes rubs her back!  TITUS O'NIEL will then interrupt and say "hey, Hogan, can I date your daughter!" and Hogan will say "no, Jack, but not because you're black, dude, but because NO ONE is good enough for my daughter but me, BROTHER!" and rip his shirt off (it's a pre-cut shirt) and gives Titus three big punches (he can't do the big boot or legdrop anymore) to send him packing!  New Day will then come out and start dancing with Brooke and Hogan will even dance too to prove he isn't racist!  But when Big E tries to bump and grind with Brooke and Xavier starts filming her on his phone, Hogan will grab her arm and say "uhh, we got a plane to catch, chap!" and run away with her quickly and then a minute later you'll see a private jet fly over the arena with "Hulk Hogan's Private Jet Paid For With Gawker Money" written on the side to prove he wasn't lying!

- The reason Vince won't push Cesaro is because his buddy Trump keeps telling him about the "bad incidents" going down in Sweden every night so Vince thinks Cesaro might be a terrorist sympathiser!  (He also thinks Cesaro is Swedish.)

- If you ever see a blurred out sign held up on RAW while Roman Reigns is seemingly being cheered it no doubt reads "I'm actually booing Roman!"  Or it has a swear word.

- Giant Baby and Rikishidozen used to play Godzilla and Mothra in movies in Japan before they were wrestlers!  In one scene, Godizlla accidentally gave Mothra a BACKDROP DRIVER through a building and Japanese wrestling was invented!

- There were actually only twelve thousand fans at WrestleMania 3.  It just looked like more because it wans't in HD!

- Tom Philips can often be seen at the Performance Centre, sitting down in the corner of the ring, telling the female wrestlers he can show them the correct way to execute the Bronco Buster.

- The white powder in guitars that wrestlers like New Jack and the Honk Tonk Man (imagine if they were a tag team!) break over their opponent's heads ISN'T cocaine like YOU thought it was, it's actually special MUSICAL POWDER that makes the guitars sound better and only real musicians like me and New Jack and the Honky Tonnk Man know about it!

- Jack Gallagher is actually an albino black man!  But no one suspects it because of his English accent.

- Rusev has never watched Game of Thrones because it reminds him too much of life in Bulgaria!

- My top three most masturwanked over Trish Stratus moments: 1) When she turned heel on Jericho at WrestleMania 20!  2) When Mickie James grabbed her by the pizzussy at whatever WM that was!  3) When Lita whipped her with a leather belt while Trish was in her bra at Fully Loaded 2000!

- The Great Mutant first invented spitting green mist in WCW when he drank a pint of GREEN BEER on Saint Patrick's day and it tasted horrible so he spat it in Sting's face!

- Terry Funk once got drunk and put his horse in a spinning toe hold!  But the horse didn't submit because horses don't have toes.

Back never with nothing ever this is the end of Hot Newz forever for real this time seeya!

I LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT''S HAPPENING WITH IMPACT WRESTLING?  LIKE, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO WORKS THERE ANYMORE?  DREW GALLOWAY?  IS HE THEIR CHAMPION?  NO, HE'S GONE.  SCOTT "SICK BOY" VICK?  POSSIBLY.  IS DON WEST STILL A THING?  I KNOW THERE WAS SOMETHING INVOLVING AN AN OWL, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT.  SO I CAN'T REALLY MAKE UP SOME LIE ABOUT IMPACT WRESTLING BECAUSE FOR ALL I KNOW IT COULD BE TRUE.  LET'S JUST SAY...DIXIE CARTER SPOTTED HAVING DINNER ALONE WITH MIKE PENCE?  BILLY CORGAN AWW SHIT I CAN'T REMEMBER IF HE'S STILL WITH IMPACT ANYMORE NEVER MIND.  PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF SCOTT "SICK BOY" VICK AND ODB AT DON WEST'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

14/11/2010

I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that I'm on Twitter! My previous account was deleted by Vince because I gave away EXACT details of his Freddie Prinze Junior dream sequence (except in my version Stephanie was wearing nothing but a BRA in bed! With erect nipples!), but he'll never find this twitter because I have added "316" to my name! Follow me to hear all the big scizzoops YEARS before the rest of the internet reports them! Here's my twitter!
In other mildly big newz, Linda McMahon has LOST the election! Linda got NO votes at all from ANYONE (despite Vince giving John Cena DVDs away to anyone who voted for her...or maybe BECAUSE of that!!!), but claimed it was a "moral victory for women everywhere" for some reason then did a crotch chop! This signalled that WWE is now changing from PG to PG13 which will mean SLIGHTLY more revealing outfits for Divas and Cena will be able to make poop jokes again! Also Stone Cold will come out and STUNNER the Anonymous GM computer (which will EXPLODE then NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN OR EXPLAINED IN ANY WAY) and say "WWE is cool again! I'm in some crap movies!" and walk out through the crowd! ALSO Nexxus will get its first FEMALE memember in AJ and Wade Barrett will say "it's not just Nexxus...now it's...SEXXUS!" then his microphone will be cut before he can say anything else so RAUNCHY! ALSO ALSO Val Venis will RETURN as a new character named MISTER POLITICIAN and will SMEAR choclate saucse all over Layla and Michelle McCool asks "what are you doing" and he says "a SMEAR CAMPAIGN, HEH HEH HEH!" ALSO ALSO ALSO Shad will return on Smackdown and say "I only voted for Obama because he's black" then beat Luke Gallows in 38 seconds then be sent back to FCW for eight months! Exciting thigns are coming!

THE LATEST ON UNDERTAKER VERSUS BROCK LESNAR AT WRESTLEMANIA: Brock will only agree to lose to Taker in a WORKED SHOOT if his wife Sable gets to beat Layla in a WORKED BIKINI CONTEST earlier on the show! While it is believable that Undertaker could beat Brock in a shoot (remember he has SOUP BONES on his side!) no one would ever believe Sable could beat Layla in a bikini contest so I hope WWE turns Brock down or else kayfabe will be dead FOREVER!

Alberto Dos Rios's personal ring announcer is played by other than Super Crazy's Dad, Super Pappi! Could this mean the MEIXCOOLS wll return soon? No, of course it coulnd't!

Lita has returned to RAW! Lita will be GRADUALLY introduced to RAW in longer and longer segments every week so as not to overload viewers with her hotness! She will finally wrestle in a three minute match against Alicia Fox in June 2011! Some people MIGHT be thinking that Lita has actually wanted to return for years, but had to wait until Matt Hardy was released because she knew he'd stalk her and follow her about saying "WEAR A THONG AGAIN, I NEED NEW MATTURWANK MATERIAL!" Those people are forgetting Matt was on Smackdown! Of course there was nothing to stop Matt flying to all the RAW shows and following Lita about, waiting until she kissed someone (let's face it, it would have happened eventually, the kissy hussy!), then jumping out of the bushes wearing a mask and shouting "I AM THE KISSING POLICE, YOU CANNOT KISS HERE!" then running away while Lita cries "Matt, I just want a normal life!" the tears running down her cleavage! Anyway, Matt will be too busy with his new YouTube show "Matt Hardy Clears Up Misconceptions In Videos That Cut Off In Mid Story And Also Here's Hurricane" to stalk Lita for at least a month and Lita has signed a five year contract which means she'll be 45 by the time it expires!

Lacey Von Eric has quit TNA! As soon as he heard this newz, JOHNNY ACE dived for his phone to call and invite her to "wrestle" for WWE before Playboy got in first and signed her to an exclusive nude contract! Expect to see her debut as Kelly Kelly's EVIL cousin soon!

I attended a TNA house show this week! I was lying on the sofa getting HOT AND HEAVY with my girlfriend when DON WEST threw a brick wrapped in TNA tickets through the window! Boy they're getting desperate! Unfortuanely my girlfriend couldn't come because her ex-boyfriend was getting out of prison that day (she had to go into hiding because she stole his car while he was locked up!) so I easily blended in with all the other dateless men at the TNA Zone!

Frist match was Jeff Jarrett versus Samoa Joe(~!) in a match to decide if the fans get BACKSTAGE PASSES! AS I understand it the heel ALWAYS wins this match on TNA house shows because you can't have the fans walking around backstage, there would be chaos! Before the match Jeff Jarrett said "You stinking fans, you all stink! You don't DESERVE to be backstage at a TNA show because you would smell the place out with your stink! I'd hit all you smellies with guitars if I could, but the stinking company that makes my breakaway guitars has gone out of stinking business and I only have one left! That stinks!" Then Joe came out to SAMOAN PIPE MUSIC and said "No Jeff, the only thing that STINKKS around here is...YOUR ATTITUDE! And my RAGING MALE PHEREMONES!" When the bell rang Joe ran at Jeff than kind of stumbled and slid on his ass across the ring and kind of barely kicked Jeff in the foot and said "OH, FUCK, I MESSED UP!" Which must have meant "I messed up HIS FOOT with my DEADLY KICK ATTACK!" because he scored the pin anyway then ran backstage hiding his face because he's so bashful!

This meant that we LUCKY FANS had all won backstage passes thanks to Joe! I was still suspicious and thought that TNA would have set up a FAKE backstage with FAKE wrestlers pretending to be TNA stars (they could put a homeless guy in a Sharkboy mask and no one would know the difference!) So I went backstage to investigate and of course to watch the Knockouts showering! I soon found out it was a REAL backstage and NOt fake when I walked by Hulk Hogan playing Guitar Hero with Jay Lethal! Hogan smiled at me and said "don't worry kid, my back isn't really injured at all! The nerves that were burned off? They were burned off my penis, brother, because sex is so pleasurable for the Hulkster that I can't stop doing it!" then had Jay inject painkillers into his spine! Jay said "he's nuts, this isn't even a guitar hero guitar!" and showed me it and it was in fact a REAL guitar! This seemed like a potentially HUGE story, but I had just spoted the Knockouts dressing room so I ran away and left Hogan drooling on the floor!

Luckily there was a gap behind the wall I could hide behind and watch the Knockouts showering through a hole in the wall (I think Don West must have made this hiding place because I found BEARD FUR inside!) It wasn't long before a beautiful naked knockout with long blond hair stood with her back to me and I started masturwankig! Just as I was finally getting going this knockout turned round...and she was Eric Young! In a blond wig! There was no way I could have known! I was angry and asked him where the Knockouts were and he said "the TNA Knockouts don't take showers, because they're DIRTY GIRLS with sexily transmitted diseases!" I then asked why HE was showering then and he said "because I knew you'd be watching!" I was disturbed by this but eventually he laughed and said "Nah, just playing, the reason the Knockouts aren't here is because they're having a REVERSE BATTLE ROYAL in the ring!" I said that still doesn't explain why he's in the Knockout's shower standing naked in front of a masturwanking wrestling journalist but he just shook his head sagely and said "doesn't it, Hot Newz? Doesn't it?" then skipped away!

I RAN at a hundred miles per whore back to the ring JUST IN TIME to see Sarita climb out of the cage leaving Madison Rayne alone in the ring as the LOOSER of the reverse battle royal (that's how reverse battle royals work, there's nineteen joint winniers and one loser!) I was DEVASTATED to have missed this hot and steamy Knockout action and actually started crying a bit, the first time wrestling made me cry since Crash Holly died! But then Jeremy Borash announced "and now as the LOSER, Madison's punishment will be a SPANKING from a fan!" As soon as I heard these words I jumped over the barricade and started climbing the cage to get to her! Security started climbing up after me but Borash called them back down, took a look at me, then gave me a thumbs up and said "GO FOR IT, KID!" Finally I was in the ring and Madison was bending over...unfortunately I must have BLACKED OUT because the spanking was TOO HOT because I can't remember ANYTHING that happened next! Don't worry, I'm undergoing HYPNOTIC REGGRESSION to get the hot memories back and once I have the details I'll tweet them all out in 140 sexy characters!

Anyway when I woke up Matt Morgan and Abyss were HUGGING(!?) in the ring with Team 3D lying DEAD (for all I knew!) in front of them! Morgan said "haha, together we can dominate like no other, AND ALL YOU STINKING FANS CAN'T STOP US!" and Abyss said "YESSSSSSSSSS HISSSSS!" I was SHOCKED at this turn of events because I couldn't remember if Matt Morgan was a face or a heel but it turned out to be all a SWERVE when Matt pulled a big monkey wrench out of his tights and smashed the back of Abyss's head in with it! And Abyess was bleeding all over the place and Matt said "SCREW YOU! I will never join you, you go around giving people concussions all the time when concussions are dangerous! Now I've given YOU a concussion so that you can feel what it's like!" and licked the blood off the monkey wrench! That makes him a face in TNA because he's all dark and edgy like Stone Cold or Han Solo!

Next up was Mister Anderson (urgh) versus The Pope (urgh) in a "microphone on a poll" match. Jeremy Borash (who was sitting beside me at this point sharing his popcorn with me) explained that the winner gets to cut an obnoxious promo with the microphone. I was happy when they both climbed up the poll at the same time and grabbed the microphone because I thought a draw meant NEITHER of the unlikable twats would get to speak, but unfonrtuantely they just cut a promo TOGETHER about "pimpin' assholes" or something (I had plugged my ears up with popcorn!) After getting to spank Madison Rayne earlier (even though I couldn't remember it) I had been ready to give TNA a GLOWING review on my blog which probably would have turned the ratings aroud. After this match I hated TNA again and decided that only a really great next match could save thigns...

The next match was Jay Lethal versus some Robbie Guy (NOT Robbie from the Highlanders I'm sorry to see, he's just too REAL for TNA! He'd rip up Russo's scripts and pour porridge all over the Knockouts!) for the X Division title! Three seconds into the match, MATT HARDY jumped the barricade and kind of gave Robbie somethign resembling a Twist Of Fate and Jay just shrugged and walked away. Matt grabbed a microphone and said "YOU! DIXIE CARTER! ABUSE OF POWER! HIRE ME! I'M ALREADY HIRED! HIRE ME! I'M ALREAY HIRED!" to the confusion of all! RHYNO then ran out wearing a shirt that said "SECURITY" and GORED Matt and Matt puked all over the ring! Rhyno then said "When Mister Eric Bischoff offered me a job in security I decided it was TOO FUCKING SUH-WEET to pass up!" then spat on Matt and ran out through the crowd slapping hands! So needless to say I loved TNA again after this match!

Next up was hot steamy tag action with AJ Styles and Kazabian versus Stevie Richards and Tommy Dreamer! And if you think this was bound to be a classic match...you're an idiot, it was a Tommy Dreamer match! It sucked while he was in the ring! Fortunately it was GREAT while Doctor Stevie was in the ring since he's the most underrated worker since Phineas Godwinn! Stevie did look a bit distracted because I kept shouting "REMEMBER STEVIE NIGHT HEAT, THAT WAS AWESOME!" at the top of my voice for the entire match, but I had to make him remember! AJ pinned Dreamer when he went for a Styles Clash but Dreamer was too fat to pick up, then went for it again but Dreamer was so fat and blown up that he couldnt' take it, then eventaully just gave up and hit a DDT but Dreamer went down before AJ had finished the move because he sucks and is uncoordinated and AJ said "GOD YOU SUCK" for the pin!

Finallyl it was time for the MAIN EVENT of Jeff Hardy defending against none other than RVD! Jeff came staggering out first to a massive reaction! There was a fat girl sitting next to me (not Jeremy Borash) who was literally crying with Joy at seeing Jeff, then she grabbed her chest and said "AAAAH, STABBING PAIN, CAN'T TAKE IT..." so I turned away and didn't look at her again (she shut up after that anyway thankfully!) Jeff grabbed the mike and said "you stinking fans still cheer me? Is that because you're all STUPID?" Then the fans cheered. Then he said "STOP CHEERING, I'M A HEEL NOW, BOO ME SO THE RATINGS GO UP!" and the fans cheered. Then he said "I'm going to prison soon where I'll GO GAY!" and all the girls booed (but some of the guys cheered!) So Jeff smiled because now he knew how to gets boos and he acted gay for the whole match by wrestling with a gay look on his face (he even made eyes at me at one point! And I kind of liked it!?) RVD came out next. RVD recognised me in the crowd (I used to attend ECDUB shows ALL THE TIME! I sat between HAT GUY and GREEN BEARD GUY on most shows, look out for me!) and gave me a special look which I remembered from the ECDUB days! It was a look which meant "dood, I'm so high right now, this is only a house show match anyway, so I won't do anything cool, haha, the marks will never know better!" I respected him for this because getting high is more important than giving TNA fans a worthy main event! Since Jeff is a heel now he did nothing but Twists Of Hate (eight in total!) and chinlocks (eighteen in total!) for the whole match! Good heeling! RVD eventually made the comeback with some kicks that missed by miles and that crappy version of the Rolling Thunder where he just does a splash instead of a senton and went up to the top rope for the Frog Splash but just stood there for like a minute looking bored until Eric Bischoff jogged out and kind of tapped him in the ankle with a chair and RVD carefully climbed back down, said "ouch!" then walked backstage shrugging, having won by DQ I guess! Then Christy Hemme came out and showed us all her tits to send the crowd home happy.

It was't the worst TNA house show I've ever been to...just teh SECOND WORST!

Survivor Series is coming soon! I have been able to deduce with 99.9997% accuracy what the results will be, so look away NOW if you don't want to know!

LayCool versus Natalya - Natalya will be getting her ass kicked for five minutes until BETH PHOENIX runs out to help her! Then in a SWERVE Beth will hit Natalya with a high heel shoe then hug Michelle and Layla! Then Beth will say "that's right, you all forgot I'm the Glamazon! But not only that, I'm now a Beautiful Pesron! I mean, uhh, a...LayCool...person!" then LayCool will TURN ON BETH and give her a double suplex (that's deadly for woman's wrestling!) and say "no you're too FAT to be in LayCool, FATAZON!" And Natalya and Beth will feud and LayCool will keep the belts until Melina gets over again (so they'll keep them FOREVER!)

Kane versus Edge - Edge hits the RUNNING HUG and is about to win when Christian runs out! Edge says "what's this all aboot, eh, are you here to help me celebrate?" and Christian smiles and say "NOT QUITE!" then spits RED MIST (blood!?) in Edge's eyes and Kane gets da pin! Christian then puts on a PUFFY SHIRT and Gangrel, Viscera, Mideon, Brad Shaw(~!~!) and Farooq (DAMN!) join him in the ring! Kane says "that's right, THE MINISTRY OF DARKNESS is back under my command, and the darkest night has begun, HAHAHAH, HAIL SATAN!" Then all the Ministry but Kane and Christian get fired the next night and are never mentioned again.

Randy Orton versus Wade Barrot WITH JOHN CENA AS THE SPECIAL GUEST REFEREE WILL HE DO THE RIGHT THING? - Orton and Barrot hit a DOUBLE CLOTHESLINE and Cena starts counting until R TRUTH runs out! Truth says "yo, Cena, what CHU doin', huh, countin' like dat, CHU tryin' to screw Orton!"? and Cena says "umm, no" and Truth says "good, because the only person screwing Orton...IS ME!" and gives Cena a deadly AXE KICK then gives Orton a deadly TWISTY FLYING FOREARM! Then HEATH SLEDGE runs out in a referee's shirt and counts the pin and somehow this is legal and Wade is the champion! Then Truth says "haha, you all bought it! You FOOLS! The clue was in my new song! It's not time to get Crunk, it's time to get...DRUNK! I'm an alcoholic and Nexxus have been buying me booze!" Then he smashes up a bootle of BOOZE over Cena's head and says "the WWE ain't PG no more neither!" and does the splits standing over Cena's head, rubbing his balls on Cena's face! This sets up a THREE STAGES OF HELL match between Truth and Cena at WrestleMania where the first fall is pin, second submission and the third a rap battle judged by Enimen!

There will also be some traditional survivor series elimination matches on the show but nobody cares about those!

Sounds like a GRIZZEAT show! I'll be back in eight months with an even more disappointing update!

KAITLYN LEGALLY DECLARED HOTTEST WWE DIVA BY THE SUPREME COURT, LAYLA LAUNCHING COUNTERSUIT WITH MICHELLE MCCOOL AS HER LAWYER? KEVIN NASH SAYS SOMETHING UNFUNNY ON TWITTER? HURRICANE REVEALS THAT LINDA MCMAHON USED TO ASK HIM IF SHE COULD RUB ICE CUBES INTO HIS BALLS ALL THE TIME AND DEFINITELY DID KNOW LANCE CADE'S NAME TOO? DRAGON GATE USA MAIN EVENT TO FEATURE THE HEEL WORKING OVER THE FACE'S LEG BRUTALLY FOR TEN MINUTES BUT THEN THE FACE JUST COMPLETELY NO SELLS IT AND DOES A BUNCH OF FLIPPY MOVES AND THE ZOMBIE SMARKS STILL CHANG "MATCH OF THE YEAR!" AFTERWARDS? AKSANA TO REVEAL SHE'S PREGNANT WITH GOLDUST'S BABY IN NINE MONTH STORYLINE AND IT TURNS OUT IT'S REALLY ORNSWAGGLE'S HAHHAHA OH GOD I'M LOSING THE WILL TO LIVE? PLUS HOT NAKED PICZ OF MICKIE JAMES WEARING ASSLESS CHAPS RIDING BAREBACK ON A HORSE SMOKING A CIGAR WITH VISIBLE ASS SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

Matt Hardy Special!

OMG I am back from my vegetable state with more Hot Newz! I woke up from my HHH induced coma when I heard that Matt Hardy has been going kerazy on Twitter! A SEXY NURSE read his tweets to me and it cured me of vegetation! Then we had sex on my hospital bed, using the bedpan as a sex toy and everything! I am BACK now with the most in-depth, hard-hitting, detailed story on MATT HARDY GOING CRAZY that you will EVER read! Don't even subscribe to the Observer because you won't find these kinds of details there (just lots of crap about MMA that nobody cares about!) So READ ON loyal readers (I think there's about three of you left!) for the REAL truth about Matt Hardy!

...but FIRST, I will take a look at the new season of NXT! Unlike the previous BORING seasons featuring rookies like David Octopus, Heath Ledger, Musky Harris, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and Kaval (ten years in the business and he's STILL not passed his pro exam to become a pro!) this seaosn features only HOT DIVAS and is therefore the BEST or shoud I say BREAST season of NXT in history! The only appropriate way to discuss this seaons is to rank the Rookie Divas (Roovas!) in order of who is the most suitable to be a Diva (mainly based on who I'd most like to bang the shit out of!) and here is that ranking!

1) Katlyn - Well, DUH! She has big juicy thighs like MEN like, she has big juicy fake breasts like REAL MEN like and she actually has a sense of humor! Okay so she stole all her jokes form tv shows, but she at least stole from GOOD shows like The Office and Seinfeld and Law And Order: SVU and not BAD shows like Frasier and Cheers (have you noticed taht they both have Ted Dancing in them!?) That thing about imaginign the audience in their underwear was SUPPOSED to be bad because it was post-ironic humor! she can't wrestle at all but neither could Layla six months ago and now she's better than Trish (and hotter!)

2) Naomi - OMG, did you see those white pants on Smackdown? She has a LOT of junk in her ass if you know what I mean! Naomi is a LEGIT REAL athlete who could easily win an olympic gold medal in ANY sport she chosses as proven by her amazing performance in capture the flag! She is also great int he ring as she has had secret training sessions from AWESOME KONG who is actually her cousin (I'm not just saying this because they're both black, it's true!) and will be Naomi's bodyguard on smackdown in a month!

3) AJ - She is supposed to be the new Mickie James but you'd need TWO AJs to WEIGH the same as ONE Mickie James if you know what I mean! Also she had an annoying voice! I HATE THAT. On the other hand, I'd shit the bang out of her!

4) Jaime Chung - I thought she was supposed to be Asian! Isn't teh NXT ring announcer asian and isn't she the NXT ring announcer? So how come she's not asian!? Unless she's one of those asians who doesn't LOOK asian in which case what's the point of that! The whole point of asians is that they are asian! Or maybe she's white, I don't know. She sucks anyway!

5) Maxine - I can't remember which one she is.

6) Ahsoka Tano - She don't speak no English! What's the point!? Goldust should trade her in for another mail order russian bride! Or Terri Runnels should come out and burn her with a cigar causing Goldust to moan in sexual pleasure! On the other hand, she is REALLY HOT and looks just like Trish and I LOVE Trish (more than Layla!) so maybe she should be first, actually!

And now at long last I can present to you my SPECIAL INVESTIGATION into Matt Hardy goign crazy and being fat! This all started MONTHS AGO when Matt showed up fat at Smackdown (so fat that they banned him from doing the second rope legdrop for fear that he'd break the ring!) and Vince said "you're jobbing to Drew McIntyre, pal!" and Matt nodded meekly and said "yes sir..." but then pulled his blackberry out of his pants and started TWEETING to the world! Many of Matt's tweets have since been deleted (because he realized they were fucking retarded) but I saved them all and will present them to you RIGHT HERE!

"Sick and tired of being asked to job to drew mcintyre and my voice saying yes. that's right you smarks marks, they ask you first. they ask. i wish i could make my voice say no just once. maybe if you all tweet your support I will"

"Just came up with a new t-shirt idea...a close-up of my appendix scar with 'BURSTING for success!' underneath...would be a brilliant new direction for the Matt Hardy brand!"

"What do you know, management don't like my t-shirt idea. Said it was the 'stupidist shit ever'! I know that's a lie, because I've suggested much stupider shit in the past! Don't know how much longer I can put up with them treating my brand this way."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. i looked at the audience afterwards and i could tell that they could all tell that it was bullshit. i winked at them. i think they understood."

"I want all you fans to start chanting 'we don't want Matt to job to Drew at house shows' at house shows if it looks like I'm about to job to Drew at a house show...thanx."

"you know things aren't always as they seem....sometimes it might look like someone's brother is facing drug trafficking charges...but what if that brother is actually testifying against the mafia and the drug charges are just a cover...think about it."

"just beat drew mcintyre by dq on a house show...the winds of change are changing."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. some stooge punk pigeon must have stooled me out and told the bookerman about this twitter. i'm not saying any names...or should I say, I'm not CM'ing any names. that punk."

After being destroyed on smackdown by Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler and even Musky Harriss on an episode of NXT nobody but me watched (but it DID happen!), Matt was LITERALY BURIED by Dashing Cody Rhosdes on Smackwon!

"List Matt, even though my dad is an ugly potato with a blotch on his belly, I'm still better looking than you! And so is he! Listen Matt, even though your weight game is a result of an intestinal injury you suffered in the WWE ring and it's completely irresponsible for us to keep bringing it up, and these kind of segmetns will end up coming back to bite Linda McMahon in the ass...I'm still going to bring it up! You fat! You ate your own push! And Jack Swagger's! Haha!"

Matt finally SNAPPED after jobbing to CM Punk on a house show in jolly old England!

*Matt grabs the microphone from Jaime Chung*

Matt: Yeah, you better run, Punk! I'll shoot kick your ass! You might be a master of shoot karate, but I've been shooting in my backyard with Jeff, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID HIS NAME, since I was two years old and Jeff wasn't even born! You think you can take me? Well, take THIS!

*Matt does a really crappy looking kick into thin air*

Matt: POW-YAH! YEAH!! You gonna come back and fight me, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH? Thought not! Yeah, I'm shooting from the hip here, fellas. Or should I say, England, shooting from the PIP PIP!

*crowd stare at him blankly*

Matt: Yeah, you're all stunned because this isn't PART OF THE SHOW. Yeah, that's right, the old boy's network have been trying to keep the Matt Hard Brand down because I was getting too popular! They're scared that I'll get more popular than Cena and Randy Orton combined multiplied by a million and that they'll have to give me the belt! Guess what! I already HAVE a belt and it holds my trousers up! That's the only belt I need because all I care about are my fans! But if you keep jobbing me out, Vince, you phoney, you scumbag, you scumnose, if you keep jobbing me out, then I'll BE out...of this company! I'll make an IMPACT elsewhere, if you know what I mean! Now that's total non-stop Mattitude, if you know what I mean! That's mister TNA, if you smell what I'm cooking! That's the bottom line, because Hulk Hogan says so!

*the fans start throwing things at Matt*

Matt: You're giving me gifts! Thanks a lot! I love England! I love every part of England, like Scotland and Wales and Ireland! I love your bangers and mash! Your stake and kidney pies! I love Ricky Gervais and that stupid laugh he always does! I love the queen! Is that her there?

*Matt points at an old woman in the crowd*

Matt: Hello, your majetsty! Or should I say, your MATTesty! I...

*his microphone is finally cut and Matt just stands in the ring looking around for about a minute before walking backstage, waving*

Matt(shouting): You haven't seen the last of me! That is, if TNA do tours of England...

After this SHOCKING display (all the agents were too busy laughing at him to cut his microphone sooner!) WWE decided to take Matt OFF THE ROAD and SEND HIM HOME as exclusively revealed by ME on my TWITTER (if you didn't see it you're obviously not following me and I won't tell you my twitter name because if you don't know it already then you don't DESERVE to read my exclusives!) Matt then promised something BIG on Twitter!

"Hoo boo...:::laughing:::...I've got somethign that will BLOW YOU AWAY...like how Lita used to blow me away :::choking with laughter::: only joking I love you Lita. Call me. Please."

Matt then HIT BACK with a very special youtube video from England!

*we see a shot of Matt's feet, walking down a road*

Matt: That's right, fans. That's my FEET. Walking down a ROAD. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was sent OFF THE ROAD? How can I be off the road if I am, in fact, on the road?

*a car nearly runs over Matt*

English Driver: Get off the road, you bloody wankpot!

Matt: Haha, sorry! One of my fans there, waving to me. Interesting, though, isn't it, that he was driving on the LEFT side of the road. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was SENT HOME. They don't drive on the left at home! Not unless they're high on drugs like...well, not like Jeff, becasue he doesn't do drugs...FORGET I SAID THAT. The point is...

*he points the camera at BIG BEN the big English clock that can be seen from anywhere in England because it's so big!!*

Matt: I am still in ENGLAND! I haven't been sent home AT ALL! But that would mean...that the smark smarts and the dirty sheets and CRZ and 411 and Rajah and Sean Shannon and WrestleLine and ScoopThis and Bill Apter were all WRONG! Hmmm, maybe you SHOULDN'T believe everything you see and read. LIKE A CERTAIN DRUG TRIAL FOR A CERTAIN BROTHER. Or CM Punk WINNING matches when in actual fact if the matches were real CM Punk would LOSE those same matches! Everyone in England has been so supportive and I've even got a meeting scheduled with their beloved Prime Minister Tony Blair! Here, I'll just grab a random woman off the street and ask her what she thinks of the WWE violating my career...

*Matt grabs a random woman off the street*

Woman: Aaaah, what's going on!?

Matt: Excuse me miss, but what do you think of the WWE RAPING my career?

Woman: Rape? RAPE?

*she pulls out a rape whistle and starts blowing it*

Woman: RAPE!!!

(Matt pushes her away and runs off. He runs for a while longer until he gets tired.)

Matt: She was probably a CM Punk fan! And I'm NOT tired because I'm fat and running is too much effort...it's because I just took ten somas, okay? So stop making fun of me! Anyway, I think I'll go back to my hotel and have some English food...somas and mash! Soma and kidney pie! Seeya!

*Matt runs away as he hears a police car*

As you can see, Matt was utterly insane in the membrane now! Tony Blair isn't even the Prime Minster of Britain (more like the Prime MASTURWANKER!), Margret Thatcher is, everbody knows that! However WWE still didn't want to release him because they knew if Matt went to TNA he'd reunite with Jeff Hardy and literally twelve overweight Hardy Boyz fangirls would DEFECT from watching WWE to watching TNA! But then Vince finally found out about Matt going crazy when Kelly Kelly told him in bed (they were having sex!) and said "I can't have a CRAZY HARDY BOY running about eating somas and calling Lita a slut, that will endanger Linda's political career if it gets out! Kelly, I'll service you sexually in five minutes, right after I MAKE A CALL..." Vince then called up Matt and said "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRED!" and hung up! WWE then fnally put a statement on their website...

"World Wrestling Entertaiment has come to terms with Superstar Matt Hardy and released him from his contract. To be honest we would have done it years ago but we needed a good jobber after Funaki left. And we knew Matt really wanted to leave so we decided to keep him around to cause him more pain. HA HA HA. WWE wishes him good luck in his future endeavours...because he's going to need it!"

Matt was IMMEDIATELY signed by TNA as announced cryptically on Dixie's Twitter ("just signed a famous wrestling brother to a BIG BUCKS deal..and it's not Kane! It's Matt Hardy!") and TNA's ace writer Vince Russo INSTANTLY constructed a storyline for Matt's debut!

"Okay, get this, let me lay this on y'all, ya mooks! First of all, Rhino leaves EV 2.0 because "I want to dominate the TAG TEAM PLANET!" and after a one week search forms a new tag team with none other than SHARK BOY who wears new METALLIC ring gear! Their aim is to dominate both on land AND at sea! To get them over they will first LOSE by DQ to Generation Me when Rhina and Sharkboy BITE one of those bums, and then lose clean the next week to The Motor City Machine Guns and after the match Rhina GORES the barricade in rage to really get him over and the barricade EXPLODES! But what's this? MATT HARDY was sitting behind the barricade in disguise because he was attending the show as a fan! Part of the barricade goes in Matt's eye and he is BLINDED and not seen for three weeks!

Matt then RETURNS showing no sings of an eye injury (because he's TOUGH) and says "you know what, Rhino and Shark Boy, people have been trying to bully me two on one my whole life and that's a shoot! People UP NORTH were HOLDING ME DOWN because they knew that I could SOAR to the HEAVENS if they didn't and that's a shoot! So you guys want to bully me two on one, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUH? How about trying it...TWO ON TWO! That's right! At the next pay per view I will team up with a VERY SPECIAL MAN from North Carolina to take you NIMRODS down...and it will be extreme...TEAM EXTREME...OOOOH YEAH!"

So then at the pay per view Matt comes out first and says "and now my tag partner, he's a man I've known all my life...it is of course...SHANNON MOORE!" and Shannon Moore comes out made up to look like Jeff! This will be UNEXPECTED and will POP the crowd and create a BUZZ on the internet and Shannon Moore will probably be trending on Twitter too! Rhina and Sharkboy win when Sharkboy (NOT RHINO) gores Shannon out of his boots and you see Shannon's boots literally pop off! This sets up a feud between Rhino and Sharkboy over who has the best gore! Then Matt helps Shannon up and says "you tried your best...BUT YOU FAILED! HOLLYWOOD MATT HARDY HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!" and gives him a Twist Of Fate onto broken glass!

On the next Impact Matt comes out and says 'you stinking fans all want to cheer me and have been dying to see me in TNA, well guess what? I don't care about any of you! My Twitter account was run by an assisstant! I made A MILLION BUCKS up North! The only reason I came to TNA? To get some of Dixie's sweet sweet cash! And IF MY BROTHER JEFF wants to fight me in a loser leaves town hundred dollar buck ladder match where there's a hundred dollars suspended from the rafters then COME ON DOWN!' But Jeff doesn't come out (he's either in jail or doing an injury angle!) SHANNON MOORE comes out to finally get his revenge and kicks Matt in the balls and climbs up the ladder and takes the hundred bucks...but then he looks at it closely and say 'Huh? This is a forgery!' and Matt gives him a twist of fate off the ladder and says 'Of course it's a forgery! I love my fans! I loVe the TNA galaxy! I don't care about money at all, it was all a test! I wanted to see what was in your soul, Shannon! Because the only thing in my soul...IS LOVE!' Then Matt goes on to feud with Nigel McGuinness or someone.

Unfortunately, since WWE owns the name 'Matt Hardy' he'll have to wrestle under his Omega name 'The Angelic Devil' Monster!"

Wow, I can't wait to not see that!

WWE has since DELETED the news of his release and Dixie has said "Umm, I was talking about Mickie James. IN CODE!" and Matt has released a random, rambling video about grapes! "I'm not lazy, I don't eat McDonald's, EH-EH! I EAT GRAPES! Would someone who only eats McDonald's be able to slam a tornado and dry up the seas? No, only a grape eater could do tthat!"

But that was just the crazy tip of the derranged iceberg of madness! Matt then released a video so batshit insane that Meltzer said it was a work, but I can reveal that it was in fact a NON-WORK (a shoot!) and here is the exclusive transcript as youtube have deleted it for being too disturbing!

*Matt is moonwalking in a wrestling ring. He turns round like he's just noticed the camera.*

Matt: Oh, hi! Didn't see you there! Welcome!

*He takes out a pipe, lights it and starts smoking*

Matt: Do I have a COUGH COUGH...a tale to tell you!

*He throws the pipe away.*

Matt: Filthy habbit, the wife is always telling me to quit! So, I suppose you all want to know what's going on with me! There's been a lot of speculation. A lot of drama. A lot of SPECUDRAMA. But here';s the truth. The straight dope. Not the kind of dope Jeff doesn't smoke, but the TRUTH! I AM AN ELEPHANT. ROAR!

*Matt holds his hand in front of his nose like it's a trunk.*

Matt: Haha, only joking! Of course I'm not elephant! Of course not roar! The REAL truth? I have a...condition. A condition of the mind. A mental condition, if you will. How can I explain...well, you know that episode of Star Trek where they got to an alternate universe? And in this mirror universe Picard is evil and has hair and he's sexually abusive of Riker who doesn't have a beard and Geordi his telescopes for eyes? Remember that episode? It ends with Troi giving Data a sexual oiling? Because he's a robot, you see? REMEMBER IT? Yeah? WELL THAT'S MY LIFE. You see these mirror universes ARE REAL. I looked out into the void and at the same time, my mirror self looked out. And do you know what we saw? EACH OTHER. Our minds intersected. Our minds MELDED. And in that moment I became TWO PEOPLE, not one-uh! I can access that other Matt at any time...in fact, do you want to hear from him now? Here we go!

*Matt sucks his gut in and makes a funny face*

Matt: I am the other Matt Hardy! I come from a universe where it is Matt Hardy, NOT JEFF, who is the big star in TNA making millions of bucks! I come from a universe where I just gave Hulk Hogan a Twist Of Fate off the top of a cage through a table! I come from a universe WHERE LITA STILL LOVES ME. Ahem. I come from a universe where everything is better. That's why YOUR universe's Matt has gone crazy He saw this new unvierse and became depressed at being trapped in a universe of jobbing to Drew McIntyre on house shows and being choked by Mickie James when he comes onto her! Don't worry! Everything will be okay soon...when Matt manages to open a Stargate leading to my universe and comes to live with MEEEEE!

*Matt smiles*

Matt: It's me again, this universe's Matt Hardy! As you can all see, I'm not crazy at all! So don't believe the dirty sheets...

*He pulls a copy of the Observe and the Pro Wresting Torch out of his pants and gives them both the Twist of Fate*

Matt: Even though no one actually reads the Torch but me and you only know what they're saying because I'm telling you about it...don't believe them! Believe in me! HUUUUUUH!

Finally I have decided to go to the source and get the INSIDE SCOOP from Matt Hardy himself by calling him on his home phone number which I have because I'm on the inside!

Me: Hello, Matt?

Matt talking in a woman's voice: No, this isn't Matt...

Me: Who is it?

Obviously Matt trying desperately to sound like a girl: It's Lita, of course!

Me: Funny, sounds like Matt to me...

"Lita": No, it's me! In the flesh! The beautiful soft flesh...

Me: Prove it by saying something only Lita would know!

"Lita": CM Punk and Edge have really small penisdicks!

Me: But I've seen the Punk/Serena pics with visible nipple and cock slip and his willy is huge!

"Lita": Photoshop! Anyway, Matt's is STILL bigger even than those fake pics. You dirty linen writers should do your research!

Me: By sleeping with Matt Hardy?

"Lita": Yes! If you're a hot girl, that is! By the way, I'm naked.

Me: Naked!? What ARE you doing at Matt's place anyway?

"Lita": Isn't that obvious, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUH? We just had the sex! Matt's done it with girls and everything! Totally! Yeah! That's why he can't come to the phone right now, he's so tired...

Me: Not because he just took a dozen somas...

"Lita": NO. FROM THE SEX. THE HARDCORE SEX LIKE YOU SEE IN PORN. Only Matt's seen it FOR REAL because he's a STUD MONKEY.

Me: How come you aren't tired then, Lita?

"Lita": Because I've had sex with so many men! I have a higher threshold for sexual tiredness than any woman on the planet! But that was all training! That was just me getting ready to pleasure the greatest love of my life, Matt Hardy, VERSION SEX.

Me: So why did you cheat on him with Edge?

"Lita": What you don't know is, when I was cheating on Matt with Edge I was also actually cheating on Edge with Matt! Emotionally, that is. Not actual sex.

Me: Well, what's going on with Matt now? He wants a release, the WWE won't give him one!

"Lita": They're scared that he'll start his own wrestling company with Hurricane, Jeff, Shannon Moore, Pete Gas and me named CYBER OMEGA and broadcast only online!

Me: That doesn't sound very scary!

"Lita": Did I mention that BOB HOLLY will be the special "enforcer"?

Me: No, you didn't.

"Lita": Oh...right.

Me: So what's Matt going to do to get released?

"Lita": Who can tell? Matt is an enigma. But he's also charismatic, so people are drawn to him. A charismatic enigma, you could say...

Me: No, that's Jeff.

"Lita": Yeah, in THIS universe!

Me: Umm...

"Lita": Oh, I thnk I see Matt stirring in the distance...I'll see if he can talk.

(One second later.)

Matt: HI HOT NEWZ!

Me: You got to the phone quick!

Matt: It's my new diet. It helps me do a LOT of things quicker! Just ask Lita, haha

Me: But didn't you used to say "Matt Hardy will not diet!"

Matt: Haha, good pun...but don't disrespect the Matt Hardy Brand like that. Seriously.

Me: What will you do if WWE NEVER release you, like how the Genius was employed by WCW for fifteen years but never once appeared on tv?

Matt: Hang out with YOU GREAT FANS on Twitter!

Me: Well I hope they release you soon then!

Matt: Look Hot Newz, you dirty sheet writer, you human parasite, you miserable rodent, there's something I've always want to ask you...can you show me how to do the Hot Newz shuffle?

Me: NO. You have to be COOL to do the Hot Newz Shuffle!

Matt: But I am cool! Tell him, Lita!

"Lita" (high pitched): He's cool!

Me: Why are you talking like that, Lita?

"Lita": Uhh...I just huffed some helium.

Me: DRUGS? I thought CM Punk got you off then! Or did he just GET YOU OFF...IN BED!

Matt: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, HOT NEWZ, I KNOW PEOPLE, I KNOW BOB HOLLY, HE DOESN'T LIKE ME BUT I KNOW HIM!

Me: Well I still haven't gotten to the bottom of the Matt Hardy mystery, but I think if I did it would be disappointing and not live up to its full potential, like your career, so I'll just say goodbye for now.

Matt: Okay, Hot Newz, bye for now. No hard feelings. Just print everything I say word for word and don't make me look crazy.

Me: I'll definitely do the first part!

Matt: Say bye, Lita.

"Lita": Bye, Lita.

Matt: She's so silly!

PHONECALL ENDS

Wow, that was intense! We may never know what's going on inside Matt Hardy's sick mind! Let's just hope he doesn't die soon or this whole article will be a lot less funny! And it wasn't even very fun in the first place!

Back soon with more Hot Newz!

GENERATION ME TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO "GENERATION MEN" AND WORK INCEST HOMOS GIMMICK? CHRIS JERICHO TO VOW TO RETIRE IF HE EVER WINS A MATCH AGAIN? SERENA VISITS LINDSAY LOHAN IN PRISON? RIC FLAIRE TO COMPLETELY EMBARRASS HIMSELF AND PISS ON OWN LEGACY EVERY WEEK ON IMPACT, THE SAD OLD FART? DEAD WRESTLER COUNT FOR 2010 SO HIGH THAT IT'S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL IF A WRESTLER HAS DIED OR IF YOU JUST IMAGINED THEY DIED BECAUSE IT WAS QUITE LIKELY, SEE: JAKE THE SNAKE, JIM NEIDHART, BRUTUS BEEFCAKE, GIANT GONZALES AND THE GOON? ROCK TO RETURN...A SUIT HE BOUGHT BECAUSE IT'S TOO SMALL FOR HIM? BIG ZEKE? PLUS HOT FULLY UNDRESSED PICS OF ALOISHA FROM JR'S(!?) PERSONAL COLLECTION AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE AND BLOG AND NUDITY CLICK HERE!

6/3/05

LOL I am bizzack with more Hot Newz LIVE from my brain, to my keyboard, to your eyes! And the big newz this week is that FINALLY after years of online petitions Vince has agreed to make a Bret Hart DVD! And it will be a fair and balanced DVD about how Bret sucks and is better and should just get over Montreal the crybaby bastard! And there will be an interview with Bischoff where he says "Yes, finally, I will admit that, umm...okay, I'll say it! I'll admit that I was going to have Bret show up on Nitro the day after Survivor Series and piss all over the WWF belt! Literally piss all over it! And that is why Vince was one hundred percent correct in screwing Bret!" but then the camera pans back and you see Vince standing behind Bischoff with a gun pressed into his back! And they'll also show a clip of Owen Hart back when he was a heel before he died saying "I hate my stinky rotten brother Bret, he's a glory hog and he hogs glory and he should be screwed over at every opportunity, whooo!" to prove that even Bret's own family agreed with Montreal! Then they'll show the footage of Shawn Michaels putting that midget dressed as Bret in the sharpshooter from RAW and then they'll interview the actual real midget who'll reveal that Shawn's sharpshooter was the most painful hold he's ever been in and he actually passed out from the pain so Bret would have quit anyway and possibily DIED in the hold so Hebner actually rang the bell for Bret's own safety!!!!

After showing such high workrate in teh mixed tag match on Smackdown, Michelle McCool (Real name Michelle McColon!) will be moved to RAW to improve the woman's division! Good move, I say!

But the as big as those two newz itemz are (and they're HUGE make no mistake aboot it!) the REAL big newz this week is that Matt Hardy and Lita Dumas have split up! And apparenetly Matt dumped Lita's ass when he found out she was doing the sex with a co-worker! Which is a dumb move by Matt if you ask me, unless Matt has someone even hotter lined up to be his next gf! And at the moment NOBODY on the internet knows who Lita cheated with, but I can exclusively reveal that there have been rumors of Lita with...Trish(!)...and Christy Hemme(!!)...and a bucket of whipped cream(!!!) Even though these are just rumors I think it's very important that was all visualise this sceanario in our minds...:)

OMG, I just got an IM from my homie Doctor Stumpy on the Matt/Lita shituation, here's da transcript!

DrStumpy: Dood I just got some big newz from one of my sources in the locker room...but you can't tell anyone yet...

HotHotHot: OMG, is it about Matt and Lita?

DrStumpy: Yeah doodster. Okayz, promise you won't put it in your next report?

HotHotHot: I swear on Hardcore Holly's life!

DrStumpy: Kewl...right dood here it is, fasten your seat belt if you're wearing one which you're probably not since you aren't in a car...Lita was cheating with...Edge!

HotHotHot: EDGE!?

DrStumpy: Yeah bro I couldn't not belive it neither! Apparently it was Edge's wife who told Matt what was going on.

HotHotHot: You mean Val Venis' sister?

DrStumpy: No, he divorced her and got married again!

HotHotHot: OMFGOL!

DrStumpy: Just don't say anything yet okay I could get into trouble...

HotHotHot: I won't you can trust me my friend!

That was ten minutes ago and now I can EXCLUSIVELY be the first person on the internet to reveal that Lita was fooling around with sexually with Edge behind Matt Hardy's very back! And I guess what Trish said was true after all, Lita's knee might be out of commission, but her uterus is still open for business! Since this is such a deeply personal sensitive situation and I feel bad for Matt Hardy I won't say anything further...

Except I do have one question for that sleazy horse-toothed cheating Edge...how did you get to be such a mack!? I mean, first you marry Val Venis' hot (I assume, her brother is a pr0n star!) sister, THEN you cheat on her (I assume!) with your new even hotter (she must be or why would you marry her!?) second wife and THEN you cheat on her with the new hottest WWE Diva of all time (sleeping around is HOT and you know it!) Lita! You are so fucking cool! But I would like to add that I hope the fans don't treat Edge too harshly and chant "man whore" and throw used condoms and stuff. Because, even though I have no way of knowing if this it true or not, I believe that Lita probably slept with most of the locker room and Edge was just unlucky enough to be the one who was caught with her. It was probably like a game of pass the parcel with Lita as the parcel and Edge was the one holding her when the music stopped!

And one final note to the WWE DON'T fire Lita because of this! There is the opporchancity of a lifetime now to do the GREATEST ANGLE EVER when Lita returns! Since it is now known that she is a serial shoot slut, Lita should be booked as a serial kayfabe slut and be shown sleeping around with half the RAW roster (let's face it she's probably slept with them for real anyway and smoked crack in their beds afterwards!) and even move on to the girls (Trish, Christy, whipped cream!) and THEN Lita's slut army could invade Smackdown where Matt Hardy is now wrestling and it would be even better than the Invasion angle!

And FINALLY, even though I don't WANT to do this, I understand my readers will DEMAND IT if I don't, so here it is, purely in the public interest: Matt/Lita/Edge sign ideas!

Lita Cheated On This Sign!

Edge Speared Lita (With His Cock!)

Matt Fact: He Should Go Gay Like His Brother!

Lita Gave This Sign Herpes!

Val, Can I Have Your Sister's Phone Number?

Kane, Get A Divorce Quick!

Lita, Christy, Trish And A Bucket Of Whipped Cream: It Could Still Happen!

Lita Is 250-0 In Men She's Bedded!

Give Her A Second Rope Legdrop, Matt!

Matt I'm Here For You - hold this if you're a girl!

In other newz, Ted Dibaise is...ah, who cares, LITA AND EDGE, LITA AND EDGE, LITA AND EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Now it's time for this weeks WrestleMania update! Lots of GREAT matches have been added to WrestleMania in the last seven days and I can confidently say that this year's wrestlemania will be even BETTER than WM 18 (but not as good as WM 19!)

"Lefty" Mark "The Hammer" Jindrak versus Luther Reigns in a Brawl 4 All match has been added!

Big Show versus Akeebono in a Sumo match has been added! Akeebone was trained in Japan where as you all know the wrestling is ten times better than it is here so he must be good and this will be a shoot!

A six man ladder in a cage match with Jericho, Benoit, Hassan, Christian, Benjamin and Edge (with Lita in his corner!?) has been added and unlike normal ladder matches this one will be in a STEEL cage so it should be even better!

Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme has been changed to a Lingerie Pillow Street, so expect lots of blood and lots of panty shots!

And Stone Cold will appear on a special Piper's Pit! Austin will come out smoking a big Texas cigar and Piper says "uhh buddy-boy, there's no smoking on Piper's Pit you greasy sausage!" but Austin refuses to put it out and then Piper pulls a fire extiguisher out of his kilt and spray it all over Austin! And Austin's pissed off because you don't spray a rattlesnake and he goes for the stunner but Piper pulls a coconut out of his kilt and smashes it over Austin's head! And Austin blades and Piper goes to work on the cut then puts Austin in a sleeper and JR screams "DAMN THAT BASTARD, YOU CAN'T TRUST A SCOTSMAN, HE'S TRYING TO END AUSTIN'S CAREER!" but then Hulk Hogan comes running (jogging...walking briskly) out to make the save and gives Piper three punches a big boot and a legdrop and says "this one's for Zach Gowen, brother!" but then Zach Gowen jumps out from under the ring and gives Hogan a low blow and says "you never visited me in the hospital!" Then Gowen gives Hogan a one legged legdrop and this sets up Piper and Gowen versus Austin and Hogan at Backslash!

FAN SECTION

This is a new section in Hot Newz for U, the fans of ME (Hot Newz!) And you can send in anything you like as long as it's good or ask me question or whatever the fizzuck you want! And first we have a quizzestion from The Jackhole, wat's your question dood?

Hey r u gay because last week u said u want the rock ONE ON ONE in his bed all oiled up and it disgusted me okay so either u stop beiing gay or I stop reading you understand me boy. I hat gays.

This is not what the fan section is all about! But 4 the record, not that there's anything wrong with it, I'm not gay, I was just joking around with Gail Kim who by the way I want to sex0r pretty bad! And when you said you "hat" gays I think you meant to type that you "HEART" gays becuase you're the gay one, gaywad!

And now for a list of quotes that my fan Nekrophiliac has sent in! This is a bit like what that Mister Hyatte guy does I will admit except these quotes are more rude! And I haven't bothred checking to see if they are all correct but I'm sure they are!!!!

"SHIT, FUCK, THE FUCKING SIGN JUST FELL DOWN Call the hotline for more!" - Gene Okerlund at Summerslam '90 when a sign fell down behind him

"Princess Diana looking on from the crowd...sorry, I meant Davey Boy's wife Diana. Princess Diana is dead, isn't she? No? Sorry!" - Vince McMahon, Summerslam 1992, spookily predicting Diana's death five years later

"I'll tickle you with an ostrich feather!" - Doink the Clown, year unknown

"I've had sex with a lot of men, but Shamrock ain't one of them. Wait a minute, did I just mean to say that out loud?" - Triple H at King Of The Ring '98

"I am the first Eurocontinental champion in WWF history! Except for D-Lo Brown, but he doesn't count. Because he's black." - Kurt Angle, RAW February 2000

"Triple H, you come out here and you run your mouth about how you're the best, but as far as The Rock is concerned, you're only the best at taking steroids! Everyone knows you're only the world champion because you take your big HGH nose, you lube it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways and stick it straight up Stephanie's muff! And I'm not talking about her fitness instructor Muffy who briefly appeared earlier this year!" - The Rock, RAW, late 2000

"LITA JERKING EDGE OFF - RIGHT IN FRONT OF MATT'S FACE GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY SHE HAS NO SHAME - THE LADDER!" - JR, Wrestlemania X7

"Look at that hideous, slimey, rotund, stinky, pot-marked, disgusting, homosexual boil on the ass of life that is Paul Heyman as he talks on that phone! HE MAKES ME SICK TO MY DAMN STOMACH" - JR in one of his more lucid moments, RAW September 2001

"HUUUUUUH!?" - Matt Hardy when he found out about Lita cheating on him with Edge!

Okay I made that last one up, lol! Back next week or somethign with more EXLUSIVES that you won't read elsewhere and possibily an interview with Lita!!!!!!!!112two

A-TRAIN TO WIN RING OF HONOR WORLD TITLE? MICHAEL JACKSON TO APPEAR AT WRESTLEMANIA? ROCK TO STAR IN NEW SUPER MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE AS LUIGI, VIN DIESEL AS MARIO? MAE YOUNG SENILE? PLUS HOT NEAR NAKED PICS OF LITA AND EDGE AT BAGGAGE CLAIM AT AN AIRPORT WITH VISIBLE EYE CONTACT AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!