Instead I'll give you TWO house show reports! The first is by me at a WWE show I attended featuring all three brands and a special appearance by IRS(!) and the second is a TNA report which was sent in by a reader...a GIRL(!!!) reader! So make sure you read that too!
Anyway, I go first (just like in the bedroom!) so here is my report! I arrived at the arena early to watch the Brooklyn Brawler put up the ring (that's why he still has a job!) He's a real pro at putting up the ring and he even had a break to smoke a joint and shared it with me (I was the only other one there and promised I wouldn't tell anyone!)
First up Brian Kendrick came out and I knew we were about to see a squash so I started booing just as a protest against the very concept of squash matches, but thenhis opponent came out and it was PAUL LONDON so I was confused! London was wearing a GREEN MASK and GREEN GLOVES and SPAT on some kids at ringside so I knew right away that he was a heel now! He took the mic and said "YOU! Brian Kendrick! You were friends with Paul London...but not with the Green Avenger! You never visited Paul London in the hospital! And you suck!" so I guess this is his new gimmick (like Charlie Hass's great gimmick where he wears a mask one week on RAW with no explanation and is never seen again!) London won the match with a roll of the dice (of course) and then spat all over Kendrick and it was all frothy and yellow!
Next up was a MIXED TAG with the Hell's Angel (or should I say HEEL'S DEVIL!?) Chuck Palumbo and Victoria (who was riding his bike and stroking his back, cheating on Kenny Dykestar I guess!) against Jamie Noble and Michelle McCool! And it sucked! Palumbo won with his finisher (it's a bit like a roll of the dice) and then McCool looked TURNED ON by his evil and went to kiss him but he gave HER his finisher too then gave VICTORIA his finisher, then the referee, then the Brooklyn Brawler, and then if you can believe it he gave HIS BIKE his finisher! Then he looked at his hands like he couldn't believe what he'd done and said "crap, how am I going to get home now!? Can someone give me a ride?"
Next was a HYOOGE inter-promotional-continental match between Paul Burchill (with Katie!) and CM Punk (with the millions and millions of CM Punk fans!) I was relly excited about this because it was the first time I've watched Punk wrestle live since an ROH show in 2003 where he wrestled Samoa Joe for NINETY EIGHT MINUTES and at the end they just stopped wrestling and shook hands and the referee declared it "an honorable draw!" So it was great to see him again tonight but if you think this WWE style match was even A MILLIONTH as good as his WORST ROH match then you're wronger than Burchill's relationship with Katie! Though having said that, once I saw Katie close up (she was standing in front of me the whole match...bending over a lot!) I had to admit that if she was my sister I'd probably incest her too! Anyway, Burchill won with the Curb Stomp (which is SUCH an indy move that Punk must have taught him it!) and the roll of the dice (of course) and I was disgracted but then two chicks in the front row jumped the barricade and started stroking Punk and helped him backstage! He really is a Chick Magnet Punk!
Tag team action next as Miz and Morrison defended against Zack Hopkins and Kurt Ryder! Zach and Kurt, those wacky Edgeheads, came out with two older, slightly plump, strangely hot latina chicks in wheelchairs just to be more like Edge! And even though both teams were heels I cheered Miz and Morrison because they post funny videos on WWE.com and encouraged everyone else to do the same! But no one did. Anyway, the match sucked and Miz pinned Zack Morris with a roll of the dice (of course!) then Miz and Morrison wheeled the two Vikie-lookalikes in wheelchairs backstage, for sex I would imagine!
Next up, Marisse came out! I don't actually know who Marisse is, but I guess she's a Diva and she's definately BANGIN' HOT! She took the mic and started speaking but I couldn't understand a word she was saying because she's got a weird accent! I think she's Australian or African or Swedish or something! Anyway, she must have said that the Great Khali was coming out because the Great Khali came out! Khali grabbed Marisse around the neck and was about to pull her head clean off when suddenly the lights went out and DONG! The Undertaker cleared the ring of Khali! We didn't actually see Undertaker (the lights were out!) but he must have been there, I felt his presence! Khali was lying dead (I assume) outside the ring when the lights came on and Marisse had Undertaker's hat on!
Next was Jeff Hardy DEFENDING THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SIX MONTHS against Umaga! I was shocked to see Jeff on the show so early but then I realised that it's all about the game holding him down and held my "Holding Hardy Horizontal (down)!" sign up high and Jeff nodded knowingly in my direction! Though he might have been nodding at the chicks sitting next to me screaming "we'll sex you after the show, Jeff!" This was a really great match and Umaga hit all his moves like a samoan drop and that move where his opponent tries to sunset flip him but he sits on them, but eventually MATT HARDY(!) came out on crutches and hit Umaga in the back and Jeff pinned him for the win! Then Matt said "that's right, I'm back, I'm on crutches but I'm back, whooo!" but then Umaga gave him the samoan spike RIGHT ON his appendix scar and he had to be rushed to hospital again!
Finlay versus Brad Shaw was next in a special BELFAST BRAWL! This meant they used such weapons as a plastic chair and a bag of popcorn! The little kids in the audience chanted "we want Hornswoggle!" but I imagine that little guy will be in hospital for months to come (his injuries were NOT kayfabe.) Finlay hit some STIFF forearms to JBL's flabby chest (so he wouldn't have felt them anyway!) and seemed to have it won when another midget jumped out from under the ring(!) and it was wearing a suit and it hit Finlay with a laptop! Then JBL got da pin and said "haha, I'm fighting fire with fire, this is MY personal midget, my midget son, Finanical Whizzkid! And all he cares about is the dollars and the cents, which is lucky since that's what I'm paying him: cents!" then he stuffed Financial Whizzkid in his trunks and went backstage!
Ric Flair versus Mister Kennedy in a SO CALLED career threatening match was next! I was rolling my eyes like I had something wrong with my eyes and if anyone had been looking they would have THOUGHT I had something wrong with them because I was rolling them so much, due to the fact that obviously there was no way they'd have Flair's career end on a house show! But then after five minutes of sloppy action (but since I'm an internet poster I'll pretend it was all Kennedy's fault and Flair is still great!) Kennedy got the WIN with his feet on the ropes and Lillain said "AND NOW THE END OF RIC FLAIR'S CAREER IS OVER!" and I was shocked by this and almost started crying ti was so emotional, but then JERICHO ran out in his only appearance of the night to no reaction (OUCH!) and said "hey assclown you jerkhole, every single man woman and child in this bad jammer of an arena knows that Kennedy's feet were on the ropes, so restart the match or I'll codebreak your ass!" And I laughed because the codebreak sucks so much that the referee could probably have no sold it anyway, but he still rang the bell and the match was back on and Flair won with the roll of the dice (not him too!) five seconds later! WHOOO!
Edge versus Batista for the world title was nizzext! They went a full fifteen, twenty, twenty five minutes (one of those) and it was a classic match the likes of which you can only see live! Sure, Edge did clamp on a chinlock for a full ten to fifteen minutes at one point, but that's all about the psyhcology of whether Batista can break the hold or not and Batista coughed afterwards to show it effected him! Batista went for the Batista bomb but while he was holding Edge up in position Edge spat GREEN MIST into Batista's eyes(!) and fell on top for the win and then Tajiri(!) came out laughing evily and Edge said "thanks for the tip and the mist and welcome to the Edgeheads, brother!" so look out for Tajiri retrning to the WWE as an Edgehead soon!
Next up, IRS came out, said "pay your taexs!" waved to the fans, and walked backstage again!
Next up, the DX music played and HHH and Shawn Michaels came out! I was disgusted because remember on RAW a few months ago DX reunited "for one night only" but by appearing together tonight they were invalidating that! However I couldn't safely boo this decision and HHH without it also seeming like I was booing Shawn Michaels and I'd NEVER want to be seen to be booing Shawn because unlike Hunter he puts over promising young talent (and Mister Kennedy) clean! William Regal then came out and said "okay you bloody toerags, you scoundrals, you jack-a-ninnies, you two aren't supposed to be teaming up again for one night only, you can only bloody well do that once! So as punishment you will have to wrestle the two biggest, baddest and BLACKEST men in the WWE, Big Daddy Viscera and Mark Hardy!" and then Big Daddy V and Mark Henry (so that's who he meant!) came out! I think it was a bit racist to point out that they're black as though that's the only thing they have in common (they're also both really fat!) Anyway, the match was good because Shawn played face in peril (of course) and Triple H then came in to steal the glory and hit a double pedigreen on both Big Daddy and Henry at the same time if you can imagine that and got the double pin and grrrrr I hate him! I shouted "Shawn I have nothing against you, I think you're great and I forgive you for Montreal, but Hunter, you suck!" afterwards but they were out of earshot by the time I got to "have".
Randy Orton versus John Cena was the MAIN EVENT! Before the match I frantically went through the crowd trying to convince people to BOO Cena because maybe if they do the WWE will finally get the message and push Jeff Hardy or Paul London to the main event instead, but I had a hard time convincing all the kids and girls and girl kids! Eventually I just sat down to watch the match and I was horrified to discover that I'd been talking so much and booing so much during the earlier matches that I had lost my voice and couldn't even boo Cena! So that took all the fun out of the match, as you can imagine! Also, Cena's crappy punches and Orton's 40 minute chinlocks which, UNLIKE EDGE'S, are just restholds and boring! Anyway, the finish came when a MAN IN A MASK ran out and gave Cena a roll of the dice then ran backstage and Orton got the pin! Then the masked man came back out with a masked WOMAN and they both took their masks off except the woman's mask got stuck and she took about 40 seconds to get it off, but finally she did and it was Burchill and Katie(!) and Burchill said "the reason I just turned on John Cena? Because Katie TURNS ON ME and what Katie wants, Katie gets, and Katie, what do you want?" and Katie says "I want to SNOG (british word!) Randy Orton, God save the queen!" and started making out with Orton and Buchill looked jealous! Then Cena got up and grabbed the t-shirt gun and shot Katie right between the legs with it to send the fans home happy! Even me!
Anywyay, now for a TNA house show report sent in by a GIRL READER: a GIRL who READS Hot Newz! I wonder what she wears when she's reading!? She sent this report with the subject line "I am a girl and here is a TNA report" so I haven't actually read it yet (I've got things to see, people to do) but I'm sure it's great! Take it away, GothGrrrlEmoHardy16!
"Thanx Hot Newz! I've been reading you my whole life and you have made me understand wrestling on a whole different level! I used to think it was just about kewt boiz hitting each other, but now I know about politics and "heat" and "pops" and "Scott Keith" and I am a better fan for it! I used to like TNA before you explain to me why it sucks, but I still had tickets to their house show (Shark Boy was giving them away for free at the mall!) so I thought I'd go anyway with the notebook and my boyfriend! that's rite Hot Newz, I have a boyfriend, sorry to disappoint you lol bet you just stopped masturwanking as you read that! He doesn't like wrestling and he thinks wrestlers are PANSIES so it was very interesting taking him to the show! Anyway, here is the report!
Scott Steiner and Petey Williams versus Team 3-D. I was STOKED to see Petey in person since he has been one of my favorites for a very long time (since 2006!) but unfortunately I couldn't concentrate on the match because my boyfriend spent the whole match trying to heckle Scotty Steiner! He shouted things like "hey STEROIDS, eat any good STEROIDS lately?" and "wrestling's fake but you're real...A REAL HOMO!" It was SOOOO embarrassing lol! Anyway, before the match Steiner made a deal with the Dudleyz: if they could get under 275 pounds and win the match he would let them have his brieface and Petey Williams' briefcase, but not for the contracts inside, but rather to EAT! And the Dudleyz agreed because they're so hungry now that they have to keep their weight down that they'll eat ANYTHING, even briefcases! Anyway, it didn't matter because Steiner and Petey won when Petey went for the Canadian Destroyed on Bubba but Buba sat on him but Steiner hit Bubba in the face with a trashcan right in front of the referee who just shrugged and Petey got the pin! Then afterwards Steiner said "and because we won, that means we get to sleep with YOUR WIVES!" and a fat black woman and fat white woman ran out and started making out with Steiner and Petey and Bubba and Devon soaked the ring with tears!
Stone Cold Sharkboy versus Jay Lethal for the X Division title! My boyfriend might HATE wrestling with a passion but he knows who Stone Cold is (The Condemmned is his favorite movie!) and he knew Shark Boy is NOT the real Stone Cold and he spent the whole match demanding his money back! I tried to tell him it's just a TNA thing to totally rip-off far more talented performers, but he wouldn't listen! I guess it's luckyhe doesn't know who Randy Savage is! Eventually Jeremy Borash himself came to calm him down and offered him an Abyss mask, which he refused and kept demanding money! Then I finally remembered taht we hadn't paid for our tickets anyway (nobody had, it's TNA!) and reminded my boyfriend of that fact and he looked very embarrassed. Anyway, Lethal won with a top rope elbow and then Johnny Devine ran in and STOLE the X Division belt and said "haha, I have possession of the belt!" Then Lethal said "I don't think so, motherfracker!" and reached into his tights and pulled out the REAL X Divisions belt! "I had a fake belt made in case you tried to steal the real one again! You're now in possession of a FAKE BELT and later tonight you must defend it in a FAKE LADDER MATCH against Abyss! OOOOH YEAH!" I don't know how Jay Lethal got the power to make matches, or what a fake ladder match even is, but I was too busy marking out to care!
Awesome Kong versus ODB versus Gail Kim for the woman's title! My boyfriend was really angry when Awesome Kong came out and even MORE angry when ODB came out because he was expecting wrestling girls to be hot, but he was quite happy to see Gail Kim. "At least I have something to look at now!" he said. "What about me?" I asked. "I look at you every night!" he said! "And you tire of looking at me?" I said. "I never said that!" he said. "You inferred it!" I said. "No, YOU inferred it!" he said. "Right, you IMPLIED it!" I said. "Stop correcting my grammour!" "I will when you start getting it right!" he said. "This relationship is never going to work," I said, sadly. "Like anyone else will ever have you!" he scoffed. "You're probably right," I said, with a sad note of fatalism. Anyway, I finally remembered to look at the ring just in time to see Gail and ODB in the 69 postion with Kong standing on top for the pin! Then Kong's muslim friend threw off her robe and my boyfriend said "TERRORISTS!" which was really embarrassing because underneath she was SUNNY(!) and she said "that's right y'all, I'm back!" and Awesome Kong looked angry because she thought it was a real muslim all this time!
AJ Styles and Tyson Tomko versus The Motorcity Machine Guns. I used to like the Motorcity Machine Guns until Hot Newz rightly pointed out that all they ever do is point to their hands. Now all I notice about their match is that they point to their hands all the time! Machine Guns were in control until they stopped to, yes, point to their hands and Tomko kicked them both! Then AJ and Tomko put a beatdown on Sabin while Shelley encouraged the fans to point to their hands to help Sabin! But then KAREN ANGLE(!) came out and tugged on AJ's foot and said "AJ, I'm ovulating, come quickly, it's a husband's duty!" and AJ said "I'll come more than quickly!" and ran backstage with her! So Tomko was all on his own and could he overcome those two on one odds? Yes, he won two minutes later with his messed up finsiher!
Abyss versus Johnny Devine in a fake ladder match for possession of the fake X Division belt. Instead of a ladder, they had a trampoline! They both took turns bouncing on it trying to reach the fake belt, but neither of them could. Eventually Abyss just got bored and slammed Davine into some tacks and broken glass and barbed wire and fire, then just walked away. Then Sonjay Dutt ran out and bounced TEN FEET up off the trampoline and grabbed the belt! He then said "Haha, now I am the fake champion! And SoCalValabeth will love ME because I am the Total Punjabi Package!" Good match.
Eric Young versus Rhyno versus James Storm for the drinking championship in a triple threat box on a poll match. Luckily my boyfreind had fallen asleep by this point so I didn't have to explain to him why there was a drinking championship belt or why there were four boxes stuck on ringposts, one containing the belt. I don't even understand that one! Rhyno opened the first box and it contain a life size blow-up doll of SCOTT HALL which Rhyno GORED but then Rhyno clutched his neck in pain and collapsed and was out of the rest of the match. Then Eric opened the next box and MISS JACKIE was inside and she maced him! Then Storm opened the third and there was a GRENADE inside so he quickly closed the box before it could explode. Finally he opened the final box at last...and it contained another box! Then he said "oh yeah, I left the belt at home...I was drunk!" and just walked away! Good match.
Booker T versus Robert Rood in a "risky business" match. No one actually explained what a "risky business" match was and in fact it just seemed like a normal match until Booker went for the pin and the referee said "you can't pin somene if they aren't bleeding!" and Rood gave Booker a lowblow and rolled him up for the three then Booker said "but I wasn't bleeding!" and the referee said "you are NOW!" and Rood hit him in the back of the head with a chair FULL ON and Booker's head started bleeding then the referee ripped his mask off revealing THAT WOMAN WHO IS WITH ROBERT ROOD NOW and I should have guessed earlier (from the large breasts!) But then SHARMELL ran out and Rood wound-up to punch her in the face again but Sharmell kicked him in the gut and gave him an X-Factor to a big pop! My boyfreind woke up, took one look at the ring, shrugged and went back to sleep.
Kevin Nash came out next! I'll transcribe everything he said, word for word. "Hey yo. Big Daddy Cool in the hizzle! Haha! Yeah. Look, I'll level with you dumb marks. I'm ain't not going to tell you guys no lies. I was sent out here to waste some time because the show is running short and they ain't got nothing in reserve...nothing but DIESEL POWER, that is! Haha, you don't care. Of course you don't. I'm old now. Why would you care? FINE. This is all you're going to get! Scott Hall, Scott Hall, Scott Hall, Scott Hall, Scott Hall, the clique, the clique, the clique, the clique, Sean Waltman, One Night In Chyna, Justin Credible, Dean Douglas, Scott Hall, SCOTT HALL, Todd Pettingzoo, the clique. SCREW YOU ALL!" Then he just walked away really slowly while we all looked at him, confused and sad.
Kurt Angle versus Christian cage with Samoa Joe as the special guest referee for some reason was the main event! This was just like all their previous matches where they did lots of moves (probably TOO many) and everything and then at the end I was expecting AJ or Tomko to run out and betray Christina but they DIDN'T (I guess they've run out of people to betray Christian!) and Christian won CLEAN with an unprettyer and everyone went nuts likes crazy even my boyfriend who had been converted to a wrestling fan by the brilliant chain wrestling and Joe handed Christian the belt and hugged him and everything! But then Jeremy Borash said "However, as this was a NON TITLE MATCH, still the champion, Kurt Angle, haha!" and did a crotch chop! Kurt ran away and Joe and Christian beat up Borash for ten minutes until Jeff Jarrett ran out and said "guys, this isn't in the script!" and Christian said "I know, but it's so much fun!" and Jeff said "good point!" and joined in!
So remember at the start I said I hate TNA because Hot Newz told me to hate it? Well I don't anymore! This show totally converted me to TNA again and I will now buy ALL their ppvs and watch ALL their shows (except if they do another boring one from Japan like a few months ago, yawn) and so will my boyfriend and all his friends, suck it, Hot Newz!"
OMG, betrayal!
Well, before I preview WrestleMania (yes, this Hot Newz STILL ISN'T OVER!) there's time for one ASK HOT NEWZ so take it away, HATEMAN316!
HEY HOT NEWZ YOU MORON, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, WHO DO YOU THINK IS WORSE, MICHAEL COLE OR JR, I HATE THEM BOTH AND WANT TO KICK THEM UNTIL THEY BLEED OUT THEIR EARS, HURRY UP AND ANSWER OR I'LL KILL YOUR MOM, BYE.
Thanks for the question! Here are examples of JR and Cole's commentary from the last month, let's compare and contrast them!
Michael Cole: Wow, that was unique! Very unique indeed there from Big Daddy V, the most unique move I've seen this week, or second most, definitely unique for sure...he caught Kane right in the SKULL! Kane's SKULL just fell victim to that unique, athletic maneuver! Right on the top of the SKULL it was, his SKULL must be throbbing in pain...and now there's blood dripping out of Kane's SKULL and all over the ring...the ring turning red with SKULL BLOOD now!
JR: GOOD GAWD ALLMIGHTY, DON'T YOU THROW THAT JOBBER OVER THE TOP ROPE BIG SHOW, YOU'LL REGRET IT WHEN YOU GET TO HEAVEN AND SAINT PETER IS ASKING YOU IF YOU'VE EVER DONE ANYTHING BAD, AND DON'T THINK OF LYING EITHER BECAUSE I TELL YOU THIS, SAINT PETER KNOWS WHEN YOU'RE LYING, HE CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH TO YOUR VERY SOUL...NO, DAMN IT KING, HE THREW THAT JOBBER RIGHT OVER THE TOPE ROPE AND ONTO THE FLOOR, THAT JOBBER HAS A FAMILY, PROBABLY, AND NOW HE'S DEAD, SWEET MERCY ON US ALL, A MAN JUST DIED AT THE HANDS OF THE BIG SHOW, DAMN IT!
As you can see, JR is much better!
Finally a quick look at WrestleMania!
Money in the bank: The remaining spots will be filled by CM Punk, Chavo (even though he's the ECW champion he wants to win a REAL world title!) and a mystery masked man who everyone will think is Charlie Haas but then the mask is pulled off revealing Chris Harris and JR says "HE ISN'T EVEN ON OUR DAMN ROSTER!" Jericho will win to justify bringing him back!
Ric Flair versus Shawn Michaels: My sources say they will go to a one hour draw and then Flair will say "okay, to be honest, I'm quite tired now, so I think I WILL retire!" and Shawn will superkick him just for fun!
Big Show versus Floyd Maryweather: Since Floyd isn't actually a wrestler and can't take bumps and can't even throw punches without breaking his hands all the time, his bodyguard Dizzle Pro 69 (look for him appearing on RAW this week!) will wrestle most of the match for him! And he'll bodyslam Show and go to the top rope and hit a Dizzle Pro moonsault and Mayweather will sneak in, get the pin, run away, collect his twenty million and never lower himself as to appear on a wrestling show agayne!
Finlay versus JBL: I think Financial Whizzkid might just be a houseshow thing so look for JBL to win after Hornswoggle OF COURSE turns on Finlay and says "you were a lousy pop, pop! You never gave me a pot of gold!" and hugs Vince McMahon who set the whole thing up because he's wanted to adopt hornswoggle all along!
Batista versus Umanga: BATHROOM BREAK.
Maria and Candace Michelle versus Beth Phoenix and Melina: My sources say that Kim Karadassian (who is a fineassho in case you don't know!) will run in and give all four stink faces and then Rikishi's music will play but Kim won't dance because nobody told her too so Snoop Dogg will jump into the ring and smoke a blunt with Kim (JR will call it "some kind of herbal substance!") and then Santino runs out and wants to hit Maria with a bottle but Candace steps in his way and grabs the bottle but then SHE hits Maria with it and says "you never visited me in the hospital!" and Santino says "haha, Candace is now MY Playboy girl!" and makes out and humps with her!
Edge versus Undertaker: Bad news, my sources say that Edge will not get a single move in on Taker without outside help and eventually will go for punches in the corner and get the Last Ride like everyone who tries to punch Undertaker in the corner does but Great Khali will spring to the ring and spear Taker and say "EDGEHEAD I AM NOW, BLAHAHA!" but the referee (guess referee Stone Cold Steve Austin!) will refuse to count because he doesn't want the streak to end that way so Edge will just run away and be counted out. When someone pointed out how terrible this booking is to Vince McMahon he just shrugged and said "it's Smackdwon, nobody watches Mynetworktv anyway, haha!" and went back to having sex with Maryse (so that's why she has a job!)
Randy Orton versus HHH versus John Cena: Depressing news again from my sizzources here who say that HHH will win the title by pinning Orton with the pedigree! But there is slightly better news as my sizzource also says there's a small chance HHH might win the title by pinning CENA with the pedigree!
It will be the worst WrestleMania ever. Seriously, look at that card!
Well I'll be back NEXT MONTH that's right Hot NEwz is now a monthly anthology series and if it takes you all month to read it then that's FINE BY ME with more Hot Newz and a WrestleMania review and an EXCLUSIVE first look at Maria's Playboy pics (don't try looking for them on the internet until then becasue you won't find them!) so see you then, doodz!
