6/11/12

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that the RAW ratings are in the toilet!  They haven't quite been flushed all the way down the toilet yet, but they will be soon!  The ONLY way ratings could POSSIBLY turn round is if Vince McMahon gives me a hundred million dollars and freedom to book both RAW and Smackdown, says "go nuts, kid!" then runs off into the night to give Linda a sympothy bone after she loses elction!  So I'm going to PRETEND that has really happened and here is how I would have booked the RAW and Smackdown after Hell in a Cell if I had a hundred million dollars to hire new talent and celebrity guests and total freedom and I think you'll agree the ratings would climb all the way out of the toilet and end up hovering quite far ABOVE the toilet!

The show starts with VICKIE GUERRERO alread in the ring (having the show start with someone walking to the ring is BORING and WASTES TIME) and she says "excuse me!" but after six seconds (the longest time possible to show Vickie without viewers changing channel!) THE GLASS SMASHES and Old Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out!  He grabs the mic and says "OH HELL YEAH, WHAT!  Old Stone Cold is BACK as the new GM of RAW!  THat's right, Vickie, Vince said to tell you you're fired!  What have you go to say about that?"  Then before Vickie can reply Austin gives her a Stunner(!) and says "DTA YOU PIECE OF CRAP!" because violence against women is BACK and it never should have gone away!  Then Austin says "Now Ryback, you piece of trash, I heard you have something to say, you piece of garbage, so bring your bald head out here RIGHT NOW you piece of trashbage!"  Then Ryback comes out GROWLING and grabs the mic and says "FEED.  ME.  PUNK."  Then Austin says "I'd love to feed you Punk you piece of trash, he's a piece of trash, but he hasn't shown up tonight!  And if he don't show up he will LOSE his title BY FORFEIT because tonight he's going to defend in a special FIFTEEN MAN ROYAL RUMBLE the piece of garabage!"  Then Austin stuns RYBACK to show how UNPREDICTABLE he is and says "you ain't Goldberg because these people say you are, you suck BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO!"

MEANWHILE we see GRAINY FOOTAGE of CM Punk in a DESERT with his car broken down!   Punk says "Yeah, tha'ts right, someone SABOTAGED my car so I can't get to RAW and defend my title!  It's a conspiracy!  Luckily I've got Colt Cacameraman here to document the whole thing!"  Then Colt turns the camera on himself and says "thaaaanks!" in that really obnoxious way he always says it in the Art Of Wreslting podcast!

LAYLA is shown having a BUBBLE BATH backstage and she says cryptically "you know, some people say I'm the REAL Black Widow!"  This is to set up a match between her and Scarlett Johansson at WrestleMania if Marvel accept my offer (all of the 100 million I haven't spent by the end of this show!)

JERRY THE KING LAWYER comes out to a big pop BUT BEFORE he can speak and before the crowd can give him a ten minute standing ovation (which they would because he deserves it but it would make boring tv!), DOLPH ZIGGLER interrupts!  Ziggler says "yeah yeah, it's great that you no sold that heart attack, but what about me!  What about the Zig-Zag Man!  I'm a young guy with MONEY IN THE BANK and you don't see me getting no ten minute standing ovation!"  Then Lawler says "you know what Ziggler I've seen you come out here every week saying you're the best but how about you prove it by putting your Money In The Bank briefcase on the line against ME right THIS MINUTE NOW!"  Then Ziggler says "yes!" and runs right at Lawler but flips himself forward into a piledriver position and Lawler slowly sits down on his butt giving Ziggler a piledriver (we don't want Lalwer injured!) and getting the win in four seconds!  This is to set up Lawler challenging for the title at WrestleMania in a FEELGOOD MOMENT (he'll still lose though!) and don't worry about Ziggler he'll get all his heat back on Smackdown AND MORE.

Next up, THE MIZ hits the ring and says "yeah, I'm not SCHEDULED to be here right now, but I don't give a crap!  I've just found out that I'm not going to be part of the fifteen man Royal Rumble tonight!  Really?  FOR REALSIES?  It's obvious that Stone Cold doesn't want a HANDSOME REALITY STAR as the champion!"  Miz is then interrupted by "WOOOOO!" and RIC FLAIR'S MUSIC which is followed by RIC FLAIR hitting the ring (with an elbow drop!)  Flair then grabs the mic from Miz and says "WOOOOO!" (as Flair's an insane old man now I'm banning him from cutting proper promos and he'll only be allowed to say two things: "WOOOOO" and "can dance all night long"!) then hands Miz a BROWN ENVELOPE!  Miz looks at the envelope (without opening it!) NODS and JR says "COULD THIS BE HORSEMAN RELATED FOLKS?"  This is the start of a new MYSTERY ANGLE that will turn ratings around and I haven't actually decided how it will end yet but it will be great!

MEANWHILE Punk is shown racing to the arena in a STOLEN POLICE CAR and Cabana says "can I turn on the siren, can I?  PLEASE?" and Punk says "no" which is an attempt to recreat the "Tomko give me a beat"/"no" incident which we all remember!

Next up it's finally time for a match The Three Man Band Baby versus Epico, Primo (NOW FACES) and the return of ALEX RILEY who is wearing a SCARF like he's a European and he grabs the mic and says "I might be wearing  a scarf but I'm more of a MAN than you three!"  This is to set up that he's actually GAY and he'll be the first GAY FACE in the history of wrestling (Evan Bourne's inured!)  3MB win with their new finisher THE GUITAR PICK (double hiptoss into a Drew McIntyre powerbomb) because I'm pushing them to keep the smarks happy and Drew most of all then Drew says "Tiffany, I've got someone MUCH HOTTER than you now!" and the HOT GINGER GIRL Karen Gillan from DOCTOR WHO comes out and MAKES OUT WITH HIM (I'm sure she'll agree to do it since I've got a hundred mill to spend and the BBC is a socialist company that probably pays literally nothing!  And they're both Scotlandish so they must know each other!)

HOWARD FINKEL is wheeled out to the ring (he's too fat to walk under his own power, but the fans still love him!) and says "it is now time for the fifteen man ROYAL RUMBLE match!  Here is the individual that drew NUMBER ONE!  And John Cena's old WORD LYFE music plays becuase he's number one and he's back to being a raper and here's his rap!

Yo yo yo yo YO, back to the old, sick of the new,
Going to run you over like you're Steve Austin and I'm Rikish Phatu!
People say I got stale, that I ain't go the touch,
People I'll make you humble, like Iron Sheik with a Camel Clutch!
And yeah I went to AJ's hotel room, where I ate more than a dish,
But I'm not a bad guy, do lots of work for Make A Wish!
I'm saying we had oral sex, if you didn't get it or if my rapping's hit the skids,
Never going to turn heel because I sell loads of merchandise to the kids!
WORD FREAKIN' DEATH!

I'm sure you'll agree all the grown men fans will love Cena again after this!  Number two in the Royal Rumble is David Otunga and Cena EFFORTLESSLY flips him out of the ring with the FU (it's back!) right away then yawns and looks at his watch to show his new attitude!  Number three is VAL VENIS in a surprise appearance to get "Val Venis" trending on Twitter and attract older fans back (a can't fail strategy!) and he says "Hello Ladies, heh heh heh!  You know something?  The Big Valbogus is a lot like George Lucas!  You konw, I made some movies.  Made some money.  And when women see MY lightsaber they scream "NOOOOOOOO!" like Darth Vader...because it's so big!  And after I win this Royal Rumble?  I'm going to Disney World!"  Then Cena clotheslines him out right away.  Number four is DANIEL BRYAN and he and Cena recreate that match they had on Velocity in 2003 move for move!  Number five is KANE and he and Bryan spend the full two minutes saying "I'm the tag team champions!" because it NEVER GETS OLD!

Number six is DOCTOR SHELBY (he's back!) who has entered himself to talk some sense into Kane and Daniel...but they end up TRIPLE TEAMING Cena once he does!  Number seven is the Apesex Predator RANDY ORTON who comes out wearing a Smackdown t-shirt as part of an ongoing feud between the two brands that will be ongoing!  Number eight is MIchael McGillicutty as a WILD CARD to show that anyone has a chance of winning (he's eliminated by Cena right away for realism.)  Number nine is KEVIN NASH who Jackknives Daniel Bryan over the top rope to the floor to rile up smarks!  Number ten is Brotus Clay who eliminates Nash because he's getting a big push now and Naomi does guest commentary and says "i'm going for the Divas championship on Smackdown!" to set that up!  Cole then makes a joke saying they can't let Cameron on commentary BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A CAR CRASH and JR says "did she BRIBE you to say that!" then they high five!

Number eleven is BROCK LESNAR because I'm burning out all his contractual appearances for short term gains!  He eliminates Nash, Kane AND Doctor Shelby all at once to show how tough he is!  Number twelve is SETH ROLLINS from NXT to MIX THINGS UP!  Number thirteen is Albert Del Rio and he eliminates Seth Rolls AND HIMSELF with a crossbody and then puts Seth Rollins in an armbar on the floor...this doesn't mean I'm putting Rollins on the main roster, I'm actually putting Del Rio on NXT to make him respect me (he's notorious for not respecting new bookers!)  Number fourteen is RYBACK who eliminates Clay and Orton with a DOUBLE MEATHOOK CLOTHESLINE right away then has a TENSE STAREDOWN with Brock...but before they can go at it (have to save that for WrestleMania!) CENA jumps in between them and is all "aww, shucks, aren't I adorkable!"  So they rip his legs off (not literally...unless we can get FAKE LEGS for Cena to wear!?)  Then everyone stops in shock as SCOTTY TOO HOTTY'S music plays and he's the final entrat at fifteen(!?) but just as he starts to dance down the asile CM PUNK drives up in that stolen cop car and RUNS HIM OVER then says "I'm here and I'm in the Rumble!" and Colt says "ColtMerch.com!" and Punk drives the cop car right into the side of the ring!  Colt eliinates CENA with a HIGH KNEE and LESNAR with a DOUBLE HIGH KNEE then puts Ryback in a choke hanging over the ropes like Benoit did to Big Show to eliminate him from Royal Rumble 2004 (JR: "I've never seen this move before, folks!") and he nearly has Ryback out...

...when STONE COLD'S music plays and Austin comes out and says "oh hell yeah you piece of trash this is a sixteen man Royal Rumble you piece of garbage and I am the sixteenth man oh hell yeah!" then just reaches up from the floor and pulls Punk out to eliminate him!  Then pulls a BRIEFCASE out from under the ring and his Punk with it and Punk blades!  Then Austin gets in the ring and faces off with Ryback...and says "I respect you, feedmemoreman!" and steps over the top rope himself to give Ryback the win!  Then Austin says "OH HELL YEAH it was a set up all along and all you pieces of garbage trash fell for it, you think old Stone Cold became a millionaire by not selling out, old Stone Cold sold out years ago and now Ryback is the new CORPORATE Ryback to deal with rebel scum like Punk oh hell yeah!" and he pulls a SUIT out of the briefcase and Ryback puts it on and says "ME CORPORATE NOW RRRRRRRR!"  (By the way, Punk's a face now!)

So now it's on to Smackdown and I know what you're thinking you're thinking "OMG Hot Newz how can you top RAW unless Layla's in the bubble bath again and this time there's no bubbles!?" well you're about to find out!

The show starts wtih Booker T in the ring doing a spinaroonie to show he's a fun GM when suddenly STONE COLD comes out and says "Booker T, the board of director's have told old Stone Cold to appoint a new CO GM to Smackdown because you're obviously an Obama voter and we need a Romney voter as well to keep thing's fair and here is that new GM!"  Then "JACK ONE TWO" plays and JACK SWAGGERS comes out and says "I am an ALL AMERICAN AMERICAN right down to my GUTS and if you don't believe it then watch me SPIT OUT red white and blue!" then sprays RED WHITE AND BLUE MIST into Booker's eyes!  Then Booker is staggering around blind and DOLPH ZIGGLER jumps out of the crow and gives him a Zig Zag and Swagger smiles and says "thank you for taking care of that problem OLD FRIEND you will have a title match with Big Show tonight as your reward!"

Justin Gabriel versus Rey Mysterio - They have a TWENTY MINUTE CLASSIC like used to happen on THUNDER back in the day and just as Rey is about to hit the 619, SIN CARA kicks him in the head and Justin wins but then looks confused and Sin Cara smiles then RIPS HIS MASK OFF revealing DAMIEN SUNDOWN underneath and he says "truely my intellectual plan to steal Sin Cara's mask then kick Rey in the head has paid off handsomely!"  This is the start of a long intellectual fued between Rey and Damien which will end at WM (Cody and Sin Cara are being released to save money!)

Eva Torres versus Naomi - Naomi dominates with SUPER ATHLETIC moves because she's a super athlete and wins the Diva's title with her finisher: the top rope 1080 splash!  Then KAITLYN comes out and says "Eve, I've finally found who the blonde woman working with you was that took me out.  It...was...ME!" then smiles evily and gives Naomi a clothesline and an inverted death valley driver onto two chairs!  Then Eve smiles sexily at Kaitlyn and this is of course the start of a lesbian angle!

WADE BARRETT comes out to the ring and says "alroight mate, Randy Orton, you plonker, I challenge you to come out 'ere right now and fight me ENGLISH STYLE you jammy dodger!"  Then Orton comes out and they have a HARD HITTING BRAWL until Orton traps Barett in the ropes!  Then Orton says "you know what I'm sick of you being English and getting in my business so my little friend is going to take care of you and you'll know why they call me THE VIPER!" and he pulls a VIPER out from under the ring(!) and it's going to bite Barrett on the arm like Jake the Snake did to Macho Man before they both died, and Barrett closes his eyes in FEAR and says "oh please no!" then Orton winks and SANTINO rolls into the ring with the COBRA on his hand and bites Barrett with it but Barrett still has his eyes closed and thinks it's the viper and pees himself!  Then Orton and Santino do a jumping high five!  This is to set up Barrett returning to England for six weeks to find himself and he'll record videos with many English celebrities such as Piers Morgan, The Spice Girls, 1 Direction, Captain Picard, Prince Harry (a big fan!) and Bono!

Dolph Ziggler comes back out to the ring holding NOTES but then TEARS UP the notes!  Ziggler says "you know what, Jack Swagger gave me some notes on things I should say out here, but I just tore those notes up and I'm not going to say those things!  I'm sick of being Jack Swagger's assistant after an hour in the job!  I'm sick of not being able to tell YOU GREAT FANS (he's turned face!) how much your support means to me!  And by the way, on RAW I said if Jerry Lawler beats me he can have the money in the bank briefcase...but I kept the CONTRACT THAT WAS INSIDE!" and he pulls the Money In The Bank contract out of his pants!  "That's right, I don't need a handout from Jack Swagger, I'll be challenging Big Show tonight but I EARNED it myself by deceiving Jerry Lawler!"  ANd the fans go wild!

TRIPLE H comes out to the ring and says "you know what I was sitting at home with Stephanie on Monday, thinking about how hot she is, when I saw Brock Lesnar in the Royal Rumble and my bloor boiled which was painful because it was flowing in a certain direction from thinking about Stephanie if you know what I mean!  Brock, at Survivor Series, I challenge you to take me on in a SURVIVAL MATCH (where the ring has NO ROPES!)  Then Brock appears via saturnlitte to save money and appearances (I've changed my mind since booking RAW!) and says "JUST BRING IT!"  Then HHH says "oh and by the way I hired a special SENSAI to train me for this match and his name...IS THE LETHAL WEAPON STEVE BLACKMAN!" and Blackman pops up from under the ring and says "it's party time!" and Lesnar's eyes bug out like a cartoon!

Ric Flair approaches David Otunga with a BROWN ENVELOPE backstage but when Otunga reaches for it Flair PULLS IT AWAY and runs it through his hair and says "wooooo!" to add to the mystery angle!

Thirty minutes of RAW highlights!

Now it's time for the main event of Big Show defending against Dolph Ziggler and Show dominates with chops and hiptosses and hit's the knockout punch...and Ziggler kicks out!  Zinggle comes back with a superkick to the knee, then one to the chest, then THREE to the face and is about to win...when SHEAMUS hits him with a Brogue Kick and Big Show gets the pin (it was a no DQ match!)  Then Show says "hahaha, fella, I realised after Big Show knocked me out that he is my MASTER now, fella!" and SHAKES HANDS with Big Show!  This is to set up Ziggle recruiting THE UNDERTAKER to help him take out Show and Sheamus (Undertaker won't wrestle because he has no knees or hips now, he'll just stand in Ziggler's corner on crutches saying "you can do it, kid!" from time to time.)

Backstage Jack Swagger says "great show but I'm bursting for a pee!" and runs into the bathroom...where LAYLA is still in the bubble bath and Swagger says "someone get me a pin to burst all the bubbles!" and winks to the camera!

No one can deny that these shows would turn the ratings around!  Back never with nothing!  Follow me on TWITTER!

VISCERA SET FOR RETURN IN TAG TEAM WITH HARK HENRY NAMED BIG, BLACK AND BEAUTIFUL?  TNA SETTLE STEINER LAWSUIT BY DRIVING A BIG TRUCK WITH "STEROIDS" WRITTEN ON THE SIDE UP TO HIS HOUSE, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY FULL OF CANDY?  ROH RELEVANT IN SOME WAY?  CRANKY VINCE TWITTER JUMPS THE SHARK WITH ALL THAT "BRONZE CLONE" STUFF?  FOLEY TO SHOW UP AT SURVIVOR SERIES EVEN THOUGH HE'S ALREADY BEEN DROPPED FROM THE ANGLE AND JUST STANDING AROUND BACKSTAGE FEELING USELESS FOR WHOLE SHOW UNTIL HE JUMPS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA WHEN MATT STRIKER IS INTERVIEWING EVE AND SAYS "PLEASE, LET ME PUT SOMEONE OVER, EVEN STRKER?" IN ANGLE WHICH NO ON, NOT EVEN HE, KNOWS IF IT'S A WORK OR A SHOOT?  PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF HULK HOGAN AND JIMMY HART'S WIFE AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG CLICK HERE!

Raw/Smackdown/NXT spoilers! 27/52012

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz!  And the big newz is that RAW and Smackdown were TAPED on one night this week!  That's because Vince wanted Monday off to have a BBQ and Tuesday off to fire people who offended him at the BBQ (anyone who DIDN'T check out Steph's ass!)  I was the ONLY wrestling journalist in attendance (I know all the others on sight, Meltzer's actually a black guy!) so I can now bring you an EXCLUSIVE report of this taping!  And here it is!

The show started with Lilian about to sing the national anthem but then JOHN LAURENITUS interrupted and said "because of PEOPLE POWER there will be no national anthem!" then ripped up the stars and stripes(!) and walked backstage.  This won't be on tv it was just for the fans in the arena so we knew to boo him!

The show started with the NXT TAPINGS of course and I was excited to see Maxine live in person and compare her to my mental memories (and mental masturwanks) of Layla and see who is hotter!  But instead it was DEREK BATEMAN standing in the ring to open the show and I booed and swatted my gum into his hair.  Bateman said "look, just because it's turned out that Johnny Curtis is actually a lot funnier than me and hell of a lot better in the ring than me, doesn't mean I'm useless!  I'm still good at standing in the ring talking until Ryback comes out to squash me!"  Then Ryback's music started and we all instantly started chanting "GOLDBERG", even kids who weren't born when Goldberg used to wrestle!  To counter this, WWE tried to PIPE IN chants of "RYBACK" using pipes!  But ironically the sound guy accidently played the taped "GOLDBERG" chants WCW used to play!  So Ryback came out to DOUBLE Goldberg chants and looked DOUBLE PISSED and then we could briefly hear Vince shouting "YOU'RE FIRED, FATASS!" at the (fat) sound guy coming from the pipes!

Anyway, Ryback squashed Bateman with his clothesline and his stupid finisher then said "EAT.  PRAY.  LOVE."  Then CURTIS HAWKINS and TYLER REX  came out and Curtis acted like he was about to point at Ryback with his cane to set up a handicap tag match main event for next week but instead he pointed at REX with his Cane and Rex pointed at Curtis with his FOOT and Ryback looked confused!

FInally it was time for the NXT main event as TYSON KIDD came out and said "You know what?  There might not be many people left on NXT now that Percy Watson's been released (check WWE.com for details!) but I still want to be THE KING of NXT so I challenge ANYONE in the back for that crown!"  Then JOHNNY CURTIS came out but WITHOUT Maxine (BOO!) and said "You know what?  I always wanted to be the king and maybe I'll make you my SEXY court jester!  Let's get weird!" and rubbed himself like Goldust (he's gay now!)  And Kidd and Johnny had a great 30 minute match to fill the rest of the show until they hit each other with DOUBLE DROPKICKS and both were down!  Then MAXINE ran out (to 5% cheers because she's hot, 5% boos because she's a heel and 90% no reaction because she's on NXT) and hit a MAXINE MOONSAULT from the to rope on both men and WILLIAM REGAL rolled into the ring and counted three!  Then Regal said "well done to the new QUEEN OF NXT, God save the Queen...of NXT!" and patted Maxine's ass and pulled a WOMAN'S CROWN out of his pants and gave it to Maxine and she put it on and waved!

Next it was time for RAW!  The show started with BROCK LESNAR's music playing unexpectidly and BROCK LESNAR walking out to the ring!  Lesnar said "you know what, I'm sick of this crap!  I have nothing left to prove!  I've shown I'm the best fighter in entertainment by beating John Cena and Triple H's arms!  There's only ONE MAN who could possibly be a more entertaining man fighter than me...and it isn't Dan Severn!  But that man isn't here tonight anyway...OR IS HE?"  Then KEN SHAMROCK'S music played and Ken came out looking as good as ever (but also fifteen years older)!  Ken said "you know what first of all SHUT UP!  I was in the back visiting some old friends when I heard you talking crap and I decided I couldn't listen to that crap anymore so I came out here to tell you to shut up like I just did!  And you might be the man who brings the pain, but i'm the man who brings the danger as I am the world's most dangerous man!  You might have had a hard life because of people bullying you because of your uglyass tattoos, but I grew up on the streets!  I lived in tin cans growing up!  And you might have had Sable when she was past her prime, but I had my sister Ryan when she was in her prime!  It's Knuckle Upple time!"  Lesnar charged at Shamrock in a rage but Ken gave him a drop toehold into an anklelock and Lesnar tapped out RIGHT AWAY!  Lesnar rolled out of the ring and said "I respect you, danger man!" and walked away (NOT SELLING THE ANKLE) without looking back!  Then Shamrock did a spinaroonie just for the live audience.

After this Michael Cole got an email from the Anonymous General Manager(!) and for some reason there was a piece of paper in the GM laptop (must have a printer in there!) which he read from.  "I can now officially announced that the previous segment FULFILLED Brock Lesnar's contractual obligations to the WWE and he will NEVER be seen again.  We would like to thank Brock Lesnar for doing everything that was asked of him after he refused to do all the previous things we'd asked of him.  Oh, and Paul Heyman's gone too."  And sat down again.  So Triple's arm won't get its win back!

Next up, John Lauraninetits came out (HEAVILY booed for his earlier flag antics!) and announced that John Cena will face Lord Tensai WITH ONE ARM TIED BEHIND HIS BACK tonight and up next yet another match between Kingston/Truth and Swagger/Ziggler since he can't think of anything else for them to do!

Kingston/Truth versus Swagger/Ziggler - Kingston and Truth were dominating with DOUBLE DROPKICKS until Vickie grabbed the mic and said "EXCUSE ME!  Is the only reason the two of you are a tag team because you're both BLACK?"  Then Kingston and Truth stared at each other for a long moment and deep down inside they both knew this was true and while they were distracted Swagger and Ziggler rolled them up for the double pin and became the new champions!  Then Vickie said "ha, my plan worked!" and did a crotch chop but with her ass instead of her crotch!

Backstage AW was shown standing wtaching the monitor with Primo, Epico, Rosa (in a neck brace because she was in a car crash BUT WHO WAS THE OTHER DRIVER?!), Mason Ryan, Drew McIntyre, the debut of SETH ROLLINS and Maxine (without her crown because even though NXT is taped first it is actually aired AFTER RAW, just a little known fact for you!)  Then Primo said "Uhh, how many more weeks are we going to just stand here watching monitors instead of wrestling in matches?" and AW said "EIGHT MORE WEEKS" and Primo looked sad.

EVE came out to the ring looking SEXY and EVIL in her glasses and everyone chanted "hoeski" because they don't respect women like I do (I chanted "HOTSKI!")  Eve said "eww, stop looking at my hot body and hot glasses, I'll have security PEPPER SPRAY the eyes of anyone who looks at me!"  Then security PEPPER SPRAYED a gay who was sitting next to me (I think he was a local indy worker plant though as he had "TOUGH TOM" tattooed on his thighs!)  Then KELLY KELLY came out to a big pop and more "hotski" chants (not by me, I find her bland) and said "Eve, what happened to you Eve, you used to be cool, but now you're a bitch, did you catch bitchiness from one of the many cocks you've had up you?"  Then Eve said "hang on, I need to use hairspray" and Kelly understood because even women who hate each other understand that sometimes you have to use hairspray, but then Eve SPRAYED the hair spray right in Kelly's eyes and said "oh hang on, better not get PEPPER in my hair, tee hee!" and did a sexy walk away from the ring!  This is the start of a BLIND KELLY angle where she will date one of the USOs but accidentally sleep with the other!

CHRISTIAN came out to the ring to big boos even though he was acting like a face because none of us trusted him because he's a creepy little bastard!  And Christian said "No, I've changed, I'm good now, I love you peeps!" and did the Peeps Salute but we thought it was a sarcastic salute and booed him!  Then he ran over to a woman with a baby in the front row and said "see, I'm nice!" and started frantically KISSING the baby to prove it!  But the mother SLAPPED him because it was a bit creepy (and a little bastardy!) and while Christian was reeling from that CODY RHODES suddenly ran down the barricade and gave him a Disaster Kick!  Then Cody rolled Chrstian back into the ring and said "I'm having my rematch RIGHT NOW!" and the bell rang and he bent down to pick up Christian...and Christian rolled him up for the three!  Then we all cheered Christian (even the mother!) because we all respect a guy who can win in three seconds!  Then Cody said "You know what?  I QUIT!" and took off his boots and threw them in the crowd (narrowly missing the baby!) and walked away.

CM Punk versus Daniel Bryan versus Kane triple threat non title match winner gets to pick the stipulations at No Way Out - This was set up by Lilian announcing it!  Before the match, Punk said to Bryan "Look, we both know that whenever anyone hits Kane with a chair he becomes unstoppable and destroys his opponents.  So let's both agree to NOT hit him with a chair in this match and we should be able to beat him because come on it's only Kane even Jack Swagger could beat him if he was getting a push probably!"  And Bryan said "YES!" and they high fived!  While they were high fiving, HORNSWOGGLE came out from under the ring with a little mini steel chair (aww, so cute!) and hit Kane with it!  Kane went NUTS and gave Bryan and Punk THREE double chokeslams for the win!  Then he said "at No Way Out it will be the three of us...in a triple threat CHAIR ON A POLE MATCH!  HA HA HA!"

Backstage, Santino stole a slice of Ricardo Rodriguez's pizza and a wacky chase begun!

The Miz versus Brodus Clay again - Before the match The Miz declared "if I can't beat Brodus Clay tonight I am LEAVING the WWE FOREVER to film The Marine 3 as GI Joe has been pushed back a year and this means The Marine 3 can be the big summer blockbuster!  Don't worry, we can get it finished in a month!"  But then Brodus LAY DOWN to let The Miz pin him as he didn't want The Marine 3 to ever get made!  But then Miz gave Brodus a knee to the balls for the DQ because he REALLY WANTS to become the Mizrine!  Then Cameron and Naomi sang the "na na na goodbye" song like SOUL SINGERS would and Miz moonwalked up the stage and saluted the fans like a marine and some people actually cheered and some even cried as they realised him much they will miss The Miz.

Backstage Vince McMahon told The Miz that Drew McIntyre was going to be The Marine (The McMarine!) instead and Miz was going to FCW.

John Cena with one hand tied behind his back versus Lord Tensai - Big Johnny came out with handcuffs and ORDERED Cena to handcuff one hand behind his back.  Cena then grabbed JOHNNY'S hand and handcuffed it to Cena's hand with Cena's back facing Johnny!  Then Cena said "that's right, you said I had to have one hand hancuffed behind my back...but you never said WHOSE hand!  I obeyed the letter of the law, sucker!"  Then Lord Tensai spat mist on his own hand (he stole this from Japanese legend Giant Baby by the way!) and went for the claw on Cena but Cena DUCKED and PULLED Big Johnny into the claw using the handcuffs and Big Johnny tapped out right away!  But then Lilian announced "as Big Johnny was handcuffed to John Cena he therefore counts as a part of Cena's body and therefore the winner by tapout...LORD TENSAI!" to keep Lord Tensai's important winning streak going!

Next it was time for Smackdown!  John Laughingninetits came out to open the show (NOT selling the claw!) and said "Tonight was supposed to see an obvious main event of Randy Orton and Shameus verus Alberto Del Rio and Chris Jericho.  However this past week at a show in Brazil Chris Jericho disgraced himself by humping the Brazilain flag, farting on the Brazilian flag, humping the Brazilian flag again, smelling his own crotch and saying "smells like fart, baby!", and mistaking a real cop for a local indy wrestler dressed as a cop and attempting to give him a Codebreaker and falling on his ass.  What kind of a man would do that to a flag!?  As a result I have supsended Jericho for SIX MONTHS and his place will be taken by a mystery opponent tonight.  People Power!"

Backstage, Ricardo finally caught Santino (remember this will air days later so it will look Ricardo was chasing Santino for four days!) and said "eww, I don't want my pizza now!" and Santino said "how about you be my NEW TAG PARTNER instead?" and Ricardo said "okay!" and they hugged!

Santino and Ricardo versus Darren Young and Titus O'Neil - Santino and Ricardo beat the promising young team in two minuts with their finisher which is Santino hitting the Cobra at the same time as Ricardo hits a wedgie!  Then after the match Ricardo looked at Santino's ass and WINKED to the fans and this is the start of a new gay angle that will finally get the WWE another GLAAD award like Billy and Chuck did!

Aksanka and Antonio came out and Aksanka said "haha, I love money and sex!  And with Teddy Long the only thing of his I SUCKED...was money out of his wallet!  Haha!"  Then Teddy interrupted and said "you konw what I'm sick of this crap, I went out and found me a HERO to take out Antonio for me!" and the Hurricane's old music played and CHRIS HERO came out dressed as a super hiro (mask, cape, underpants over his tights!)  This new character is because Vince finally saw the Christopher Reeve Superman and thinks superheros are cool now!  Hero hit a roaring elbow RIGHT AWAY to pin Antonio!  Then Teddy said "Haha, looks like you have no one to buy you crotchless panties now, Aksanka!"  But then Aksanka said "Ooooh, you are MY hero, Chris!" and he smiled and gave Teddy a roaring eblow and Aksanka stood on Teddy's back to reach Chris Hero's mouth and make out with him!

Next up LAYLA came out to the ring to the biggest pop yet!  Layla said "Cheerio!  You know what I've beaten every Diva now and maybe all the other Divas SUCK except for me!"  This was the very start of her coming HEEL TURN but the fans cheered anyway becuase it's true...until MAXINE (WITH crown as this show airs after NXT!) came out and said "not QUITE every Diva!"  Then Layla said "oh come on, Maxine, you might be Queen of NXT but I'm English and I know a thing or two about Queens and I am the REAL QUEEN of arse-kicking!"  THen Maxine said "stop that, don't be nasty to me, that's bad KARMA for you!"  Then Layla looked around scared and said "Karma?  WHERE!"  Then Maxine giggled (and it was a sexy giggle!) and said "not here anyway, creative has nothing for her!"  Then Layla and Maxine both started laughing together!  But when Maxine turned her back, Layla grabbed her hair (A HEEL MOVE) and gave her the LAYOUT and said "let that be a warning to you, missy!"  And this left the fans confused, not just because of Layla's heelish tendencies but also because Maxine might actually be HOTTER than Layla and I could see men all around me trying to work out who was hotter, doing masturwank mathematics in their heads to calculate who they should cheer!

Damien Shadow versus Alex Riley - Damien won in eight seconds with his move then said "only an EDUCATED MAN could defeat a speciman such as I!" and Booker T stood up and said "I'd like to test that theory, SUCKAAAAAA!"  So that's another match for No Way Out!

Backstage CM Punk was hanging out with AJ and he said "boy, I'm still hurting from all those chokeslams, I could do with a massage right now!" and AJ said "close your eyes and you'll get a BIG surprise!" so Punk closed his eyes and then there was a close up on his face as he said "oooh, ooooooooh yeah, that feels soooooo good, what a sensual massage!" and was making sex faces...but then the camera pulled back to show THE GREAT KHALI was the one giving the massage as AJ stood to the side smiling!

Big Show versus Zach Ryder - Ryder grabbed the mic and said "Big Bro, I know you aren't really evil, I think big Johnny HYPNOTISED you into punching Cena!  You can prove you're not hypnotised by NOT punching my annoying face right now!"  Then Big Show punched his annoying face.

Before the MAIN EVENT Big Johnny came out and said "and here is the mystery man...SIN CARA!"  Sin Cara came out and but right away CODY RHODES (with new GREEN boots) jumped off the Titan Tron giving him a Disaster Kick!  Then Cody took Sin Cara's mask and said "I AM the new Sin Cara because I will make people pay for their SINS and I don't CARE-A about anyone!"

Randy Orton and Shameus versus Alberto Del Rio and Cody "Sin Cara" Rhodes - They had a NORMAL MATCH until TED DEBIASE ran in wearing Cody's old face mask for some reason and headbutted Orton and said "LEGACY is back!"  Then Cody said "no it's not!" and they started fighting.  Then Del Rio pinned a distracted Sheamus with the BACKSTABBER!  Should be a great No Way Out!

Can't wait to see it all again on tv!

I'll never ever ever be back ever again with more Hot Newz, bye forever see you then!

TAZZ TO RETURN TO WWE FOR "WHO'S THE WORST ANNOUNCER EVER?" BATTLE WITH BOOKER T!?  ROH, DRAGON GATE USA AND EVOLVE MERGE INTO ONE PROMOTION, FOUR PEOPLE NOTICE?  JERICHO OFFERS TO MAKE IT UP TO BRAZIL WITH A FREE FOZZY CONCERT, THEY BAN HIM FROM EVER RETURNING?  LESNAR SET FOR SHOCKING NFL RETURN?  I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT TNA AS IT'S SO AWFUL THAT I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT IN A YEAR?  PLUS HOT PICS OF SCARLETT JOHANSSON'S ASS FROM THAT TIME SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GUEST HOST RAW TO PROMOTE THE AVENGERS BUT WALKED OUT AFTER READING THE SCRIPT AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

16/4/04

OMFG I am back with more Hot NEwz! and the big newz is that the plane flight from hell is back in the newz! Three sexy stewardesses are suing the asses of Ric Flair, Dustin "Goldustin" Rhodes and Scott "AlcoHALLic" Hall! Amonsgst other things (such as GROPING!) they alege that Slick Ric whipped out his slick dick and spun it around like a slick spinning penis! And you may remember taht I interveiwed that late, great, deceased Crash Holly about the plane flight two years ago! But what I didnt tell you back then is that Crash made some additional comments OFF DA RECORD and asked me not to print them! But he's dead now (may he rest in peace, IMHO) so I don't think he'll mind!

Me: So is there anything else you want to say OFF DA RECORD?

Crash: Off the record? You won't tell anyone, Mr. Newz?

Me: You can trust me until the day that you die!

Crash: Oh boy! Well, in that case, I just have to tell someone about this! You know when Mister Flair was strutting about in only his robe? Well, he wasn't just strutting, he was spinning his penis around!

Me: OMG IN HEAVEN!

Crash: Yep! And do you know what the really funny thing was? I couldn't take my eyes off it! It hypnotised me! Now I know how he gets all those ladies to go to bed with him! He has an hypnotic spinning penis! Even I wanted to take a ride on Space Monutain when I watched it!

Me: Well that is a kewl ride, Disney rox!

Crash: Yeah. Too bad I'm not tall enough to get on it.

Me: LOL! Anything else you want to tell me, OFF DA RECORD!

Crash: Well, I saw lots of the big wrestlers handing needles to the stewardesses. But when I asked mister Jim Ross why they were doing that, he said they were for Brock Lesnar's diabetes! And when I asked if a side effect of the medication was that his muscles went really big, he said sure and told me to go away!

Me: Oh that explains it!

Crash: And Razor Ramon was kissing a girl! And his tongue even slipped in her mouth somehow! And she said "I can't believe I'm being groped by a five time former InterContinental champion!" then he said "Actually chico, I'm only a four time IC champ" and then she slapped him and looked disgusted and said "Eww, get your hands off me then, I'm going to sue you bad!"

Me: Thanx for da extra OFF AD RECORD info!

So as you can see I knew all the details YEARS before everyone else, just another exlcusive from Hot Newz for you doodz out there in internet land!

I was at the Smacdown taping last night in Las Vegas! ANd here's the results!!!!! But first! Here's the signs I was holding, look out for dem on teevee land!

Brad Shaw = J.R Tolkien (From Dynasty!)

I'm Hot Newz, BEYOTCH! - with an arrow pointing down!

Rikishi = Talentless Piece of Shit!

It's funny, all my other signs were confiscated for having swears on them, but the security guard let me keep the Rikishi one and winked!

First was a dark match with LoKi taking on Funaki! And I was angry to see LoKi trying to get into the WWE because he's an INDY star and should stay indy and wrestle for Ring Of Honor and not be a sell out in my opinion! So I started a "You Sold Out!" chant at LoKi but then I realised he hasn't been signed yet and changed it to a "You Want To Sell Out!" chant! And it put LoKi off so much that he messed up a twisty kick and Funaki got the win and LoKi looked sad afterwards because he knew the WWE would never sign anyone who would mess up a twisty kick and I laughed at him.

Next Josh Matthews and Bill Demont came out for Velocity!!! And when Bill had walked past me and had his back to me I shouted "hey Bill, you stink!" and he span right round and I quickly said "that right there was DEMONT'S TURNING POINT!" but nobody got the joke, dumb marks. First match was that Rey Mystereo guy who used to be on Smackdown last year against that Ultimate Dragon guy who used to be in Japan and Shannon More who used to suck (and still does!) in a triple threat match and I went to get burgers and hot dogs and beer and do a toilet but when I came back ten minutes later the match was STILL going on and I was shocked and happy because the WWE is finally treating the cruiserweights with respect but then Shannon More won by pulling dragons tights and I booed because he isn't supposed to win and pulling the tights is a thing 300 hundred pounders do!

There wasn't anymore Veolocity match (THANK GOD) becasue there's only like 12 wrestlers on the Smackdown roster now anyway. And then Tazz and Cole came out and when Cole walked past me I shoutted "Hey Cole, YOU'RE GAY, GAY GAY GAY, GAYER THAN LIBERACE YOU HOMO" and Tazz laughed at my wit!

Then there was Pyro!!!!

and then finally this hot Mexican chick with big hooting hooters (I wanted to hoot them!) came out and sang the American National Anthem ("Oh say can you SEEEE!" is all I know so I spent most of it trying to pick up a hot goth chick who was sitting behind me, she was singing either because she's an anarchist or something) but then BRAD SHAW~! came out in his AWESOME limo with the horns and now a big cowboy hat on the limo and said "What's this!? A MEXICAN singing the American National Anthem!? Is this what our boys in Iraq are dying for!? I think not! Get back to Mexico with all the other Mexicans, you Mexican!" and gave her the clothesline from Hell! And then said "That's just an example of the kind of thing our boys in Iraq are going to do to all you Mexican border hoppers when they get back from turning Iraq into a fucking parking lot! Now I've got a special video to show to all true patriots out there!" and then a video of Brad Shaw appears and he's on the border again but then the camera points up and you see a sign which says "Canada" on it with an arrow pointing over the border! And Braw Shaw says "That's right, this week I'm stopping border hoppers from getting in via our liberal neighbours in the north! The Canadians don't have proper border control because they're all true busy listening to Bryan Adams probably, but if they're not going to police their borders I will!" and then he sees someone in the bushes and it's a family of Mexicans! And the old Mexican woman says "Please! We are starving! We just want to pick beans for less than minimal wage!" But Brad Shaw says "No deal!" and kicks all their asses and throws them back into Canada!

But while this is going on Eddie Guerrero drives out to the ring in a swank lowrider wearing a sombero and says "hey esse, what joo problem holmes!? You got a problem holmes with my people, esse holmes? Well vato, holmes, don't just sing it, bring it, tonight!" and is ready to fight but Brad Shaw says "Now hold on! This is a fifty thousand dollar suit, I don't want to stain it with your blood!" but then Kurt Angle comes out and says "there's only one way to settle it tonight, in a pinata on a pole match!" and Eddie says "I love it holmes! And if I win, I gets to take a crap in your cowboy hat Brad Shaw AND pee in your boots! Then you have to put them on and walk around the place saying "Mexico rules, holmes!"" and Brad Shaw says "this is a ten thousand dollar hat! And each of these boots cost ten thousand dollars too, twenty thousand for the pair! That's high stakes, so how about if I win your immigration papers, if you even have any, get destroyed and you get deported back to Mexico where you belong!" and Eddy is shocked but Angle says "It's on, whooo!"

Next is the debut of Rico against Nunzio! ANd for Ricos' entrance he comes descending down from the rafters riding on a pink piano! Then he opens up the piano and Miss Jackie comes out and right away has VISIBLE NIP SLIP! Then he just jumps on Nunzio and starts making out with him and Ninzio taps out!

Next up Torrie Wilson is backstage talking to Paul London (but he didnt get any lines!) when a pizza man walks buy with a big pile of pizzas and she asks who they're for and he says The Big Show and Torrie says "oh, I should have known, that's the Showie special: ten pizzas!"

Next was Rene Dupree (with fifi!) against Kidman and Rene won in thirty seconds because Kidman sucks now that he's on the roids but then John Cena comes out and cuts a BRUTAL rap! (Brutal in that it sucked!)

Yo yo yo, chill, chill, you french jackass,

You're so ugly that when you were young Michael Jackson wouldn't even touch you, he gave you a free pass!

Michael Cole is gay, just thought I'd throw that in,

Your dancing elbow ain't the people's elbow, it'll never get the pin!

You french are more evil than Satan, you worship the devil,

You ain't my nizzle, you're just a cracka in the hizzle, fo' shizzle!

I might be white too, that ain't the point, oh please!

The point is you suck, and now I'll shill DEEZ!

And throws his WWE brand nuts into the crowd and I caught them and tried to give them to the goth girl behind me but she said she's allergic and threw them away and I said "Yeah, right on, anarchism!" and threw away my soda to impress her (but this was a stoopid move as I was really thirsty!) And meanwhile Cena gave Fifi the FU and the five knuckle shuffle!

Next it shows Torrie walking in on Big Show's dressing room and he's just finished the last pizza! And he asks her to stay and she says she has to go but when she tries to get out the door is locked and Show says "But in insist! You think it's funny that I have an eating disorder, do you? Well how about I force YOU to eat ten pizzas, then we'll be even!" and Torrie is shocked and it shows Kurt Angle watching on a monitor and he says "Hey wait a minute, if she eats ten pizzas she'll get fat, and she's only on the show for virgins to masturwank over so we can't have that!"

Next was Spike Dudley versus Mark Jindrak!! and before da match Teddydore Long explained that Jindrak's great great great great great grandfather was black and that's why he manages him now! And Mark picked up Spike with two hands and threw him over the top right into the crowd! And the fans were supposed to catch Spike and throw him back (like in ECDUB!) but they were all marks and didnt know that and he just splatted on the concrete! Then goth gril SPIT right on Spike and I got hard (in my pants)!

Next up "No Chance In Hell" plays to a big pop and Vince McMahon comes out! And Vince says "Well quite frankly since there's only about ten wrestles on Smackdown now I'm going to eat up some time by talking!" but he's interrupted by Sable's music and then Sable comes out and her implants arent leaking anymore! And Sable says "this is for all the men who want to be me and the girls that come to see me! Are you ladies ready for the GRIND!?" and does the Grint but Vince says "Uhh, didn't you get that backwards, Sable?" and she says no and then Dawn Marie comes out and she and Sable start making out! And Vince grins and says "now this is more like it, yeah!" but then the lights go out and a voice says "THE DEAD WILL RISE AGAIN RIGHT NOW" and Vince says "Oh crap, not the Undertaker again!" and hides under the ring but when the lights come back on Al Wilson is in the ring!!!!!! And Al says "I've come back for you, Dawn!" but Dawn is scared and says "I don't want to date a zombie! I'm not Dawn of the Dead!" but Al says "I'm not a zombie, I've just been in a coma, my lovely wife!" but Dawn says she's with Sable now but Al pulls out a contract which says Dawn is his property and Dawn says "Damn, I knew I shouldn't have let him write the vows!" and he puts her in handcuffs and laughs evily and drags her backstage!

Meanwhile it shows Big Show and Torrie and now torrie has eaten one whole pizza which is the most pizza she's ever eaten in one sitting and she starts throwing up and Big Show says "If you're not going to eat the pizza....then prehaps I should eat YOU!" and Torrie says "Well, okay..." and starts to take her skirt off but Show says "No, not like THAT" and grabs a knife and fork and starts licking his lips and Torrie backs away scared!

Then meanwhile also backstage Kurt Angle is still walking to Show's locker room but The Dudleyz and Rikish and Scotty stop him and ask if they can have there match now but Kurt says there's no time for them this week! And they just start wrestling in the corridors but the camera man follows Kurt instead of filiming them because nobody wants to see the Dudleyz and Too Cool wrestle again!

Meanwhile backstage Brad Shaw has started a finance advice group (or somethign!) for young Americans! And a white teenager walks up to him and he says "Welcome to the group son, I'll show you how to have more money more fast!" and then a black teenager walks over and Brad Shaw says "Everyone's welcome, all proud young americans!" then an asian guy walks in and Brad Shaw says "Your more than welcome here!" and then a Mexican kid is about to walk in but Brad Shaw says "WHAT THE HELL, A DIRTY MEXICAN, GET THE HELL OUT, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THE SECRETS OF MAKING AMERICAN MONEY!" and kicks the crap out of him! Then I turned to Goth chick and said in a sarscastic voice "do you think that maybe Brad Shaw has a little proble with mexicans?" and she said "well duh dumbass, he hates them!" and didn't get me SUBTLE HUMOR at all so screw her she was ugly anyway!

Meanwhile Al is dragging Dawn Marie into his car when Chavo Guerrera Senoir walks up and says "hey! Leave that beatuiful mamacita alone, you big bully!" and Al says "Are you saying you want to wrestle me next week with ownership of my wife Dawn on the line?" and Chavo says "Don't make me say it twice, bitch!" and the security guards have to hold them back from fighting so next week it's Chavo Senoir versus Al Wilson for ownership of Dawn Marie!

Next in the ring (there's a ring on Smackdonw still!) it's Booker T versus RVD! And RVD goes for teh frog splash but misses! Then Booker goes for the harlem scissors kick and misses! and and then RVD goes for the frog splash but misses again! Then Booker goes for the scissors kick but he misses again!!! and then they both just fall over exhasuted and it's a double knockout and everyone boos but I gave a standing ovation for the great action. And then Paul Heyman comes out(!) and says to RVD "Hey Rob, I'm starting my own company, and it's going to be EXTREME, want to come to work for us?" and RVD says "dude, you're restarting ECDUB?" and Heyman says "For legal reasons we can't call it ECDUB anymore!" and RVD says "dude, but it'll just be like ECDUB?" and Heyman says "Yes, it'll be hardcore!" and RVD says "like ECDUB dude!" and Heyman says "Yes but don't say that!" and RVD says "Well hurry up and start it then my contracts up in two weeks!"

Then there's refeerees helping Booker backstage and he collapses! So they rush him to hospital!!!

Angle walks in on Torrie and Show but Torrie isn't there but her dress and underwear are lying on the floor and Show is wiping his mouth with a napkin! And Angle says "Oh my God I can't believe it, you ate her up! That's going to be a lawsuit, pal, nobody gets away with cannabalism with me as General Manager!" but then Torrie comes out the shower wearing nothing but a smile (and a towel) and says "Oh, Show decided not to eat me, so we had sex instead. I was just having a shower!" and Angle says "oh, that's cool then!" but Show says "I can't believe you thought I was going to eat her, RRRRARGH!" and chokslams ANgle right into the pizza boxes!

And then "Self High Five" plays and DPP comes out! And he says "Bang! Yo it's me, it's me, it's that double D P, back in black and back on Smackdown! You know, my doctors said I'm too old to wrestle! They said I was risking serious injury by getting into the ring again! And they were right! But that's never stopped me before, BANG!" but then Hardcore Holly comes out and says "What the hell is this? What are you doing here, on tv? I've been in the WWE for ten years and I hardly ever get on tv, but you just come out here and get on Smackdown in your first match, you've got no respect for the business, that's why I broke your neck! You have to start at the bottom and work your way up!" then DDP says "man, I hit rock bottom when I lost to you, badda bang!" and Hardcore went crazy and start punching and kicking DDP in the corner for REAL like he did to that 15 year old on Tough Enough until DDP was bleeding out of his eyes and nose and ears and Holly said "how do you like me now!" and walked away! Then Lilian came into the ring and said "and the opponent!" and UNDERTAKER come out and I shouted "do it for Sara!" and he tombstoned DDP right on the broken neck and pinned him! Then Undertaker just stood in the ring pumping his fist in the air for five minutes while "rollin' rollin' rollin'!" played! Then tombstoned DDP again!

Next was fianlly time for teh long await pinata on a pole match between Eddy and Brad Shaw! And Eddie was winning it somehow even though Brad Shaw is two foot taller and he climbed up to the top of the pole then climbed onto the pinata and did a frog splash onto Brad Shaw from the top of the pinata! And then he climbed up again to try and break the pinata (that's how you win the match!) but it wouldnt break and Eddie said "esse, this pinata is made out of concrete holmes!" and Brad Shaw gave him the clothesline from hell and then he pulled a SECOND pinata out from under the ring and laughed evil and broke that one and said "this was the official pinata, you dumb Latino CHEAT!" and inside it were Eddie's citizenship papers and Brad Shaw tore them up! And said "now you have to get the F out of America, love it or leave it!" and the police came out and handcuffed Eddie who was crying and Brad Shaw kicked the shit out of him while he was handcuffed then gave a bribe to the police to ignore that and they dragged him back to Mexico! Then Kurt Angel came out (covered in pizza lol!) and said "Now that Eddie's back in Mexico where he belongs I'm rewarding the WWE title to the man who truely deserves it Brad "Justin Hawk Leyfield" Shaw on it's true it's true!" and Brad Shaw took the belt and kissed it!

And then finally to end the show on the oval tron it showed Booker T in the hospital and his doctor walked in with an x-ray of Bookers legs and said "I'm afraid it's not good, Mister T. The reason you fell over is because you have LEG CANCER!" and Booker started crying and this is going to be the start of a sensitive storyline where Booker bravely fights leg cancer and Vince thinks it'll turn the ratings around!

It was the best show I've ever been too11111!

Backlash is THIS Sunday! But since WWE is still banning it's workers from leaking the rewsults to me (Fascist Nazi Commies!) I'll just tell you how I would book it!

Tajiri versus Coach

This should be a long, hard thought match with Tajiri hitting many kicks but eventually Coach uses his size advantage to get the win with the Coachbomb (powerbomb!)

Chris Jericho versus Christian and Trish

Trish should work 95% of this match as she has more moves than Christian (all he has is the choke and the dreaded chinlock!) and is sexier! And Jericho should hit her with a chair and Trish should blade then Jericho should say "Hey, is it your TIME OF THE MONTH already?" to a big pop to give his character an EDGE! and then win.

Kane versus Edge

Edge SUCKS now! He's just another boring, roided, horse-faced blond! They should reunite him with Christian and let the Era Of Awesomeness be an era again! But if they have to have this match I'd have Kane rip Edge's cast off then try to chokeslam him but Edge pulls ANOTHA cast out his tights and hit Kane with taht for the win to give his character an EDGE (no pun intended!)

Victoria versus Lita

Since they cant wrestle for shiznit, I'd just have them rolling about on the mat touching each other to get all teh bois (like me!) horny! And then Victoria accidently pulls Lita's bra off and rolls her up while she's trying to get it back on for the win! Then Lita should choke Victoria out with her bra because it would give her charcter an EDGE (and we'd get to see her topless!)

Shelton Benjamin versus Rick Flair

Everyone on the internet is saying Flair will carry him to a good match...which shows how stupid everyone on the internet is! Flair's like sixty now and hasn't had a good match since 1994! Maybe Flair hipnotised them all with his spinning penis, ROLFZ! Shelton should win QUICKLY with a Shelter Splash before Flair EMBARRASSES himself (or is able to whip out his spinning penis!)

Mick Foley versus Randy Orton

Foley hasnt won a match this milenium! So he should win this one easily since Randy is overrated and only getting a push because his dad is Hillbilly Jim or someone! Then Mick should feud with Matt Hardy Version one-aaaaaah! But WWE will just do something boring like have Randy win with a RKO of the top of the arena onto a huge barbwire statue of Triple H, yawn!

Chirs Benoit versus Shawn Michaels versus Criple H

Meltzer has reported that Bret Hart will NOT interfere in the match. BUT! That doesn't mean they can't have a mysterious masked man run in through the crowd and punch out Triple H then put Shawn in the sharpshooter! And that doesnt mean Chirs can't say "thanks Bret!" to the mysterious masked man then pin Shawn!

Its going to be the best shaw EVEEEEER! (as long as they do my bleeding Trish idea!)

I'll be bizzizzack sizzizzoon with more Hot Newz, BIAAAAAAATCH!

STEVIE RAY DIES IN FREAK SPEEDBOAT ACCIDENT? GANGREL TO RETURN AND DRINK JR'S BLOOD? EUGENE AND REGAL TO FALL IN LOVE AND ADOPT A MIDGET? PLUS HOT NEAR NAKED NUDE PICS OF TRISH AND STACY FROM AN AUTOGRAPH SESSION AT TOYZ R US AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

26/11/03

OMFGOL (OMFG Out Loud!) I am back doodz with mizzore hot newz! I've been busy for the last six months writing my first book, The Hot Guide To Wrestling: A Fanz Look At Wrestling From The View Of The Eyez Of A Fan!, but I didnt forget about my peepz and peepettes and peeposexuals! And teh big newz is that HHH is STILL on tv despite leaving to make a movie! And for the next three weeks Crips will only be seen in backstage bits with Evolution, but he won't really be there! He'll film his scenes in his trailor on his movie sex and will be seemlessly added into the backstage bits by the magic of CGI, just like how they inserted JFK into that movie about him after he died! A lesser writer than me would say that they should use a CGI Trips at Armageddon and it would probably be a better match lol! But that wouldnt make any sense!

WWE is going to release Goldust (that's insider talk for FIRE HIS ASS!) in January! And it happened because Terri Runnels is sick and tired of working with her ex husband so she's marched into Vince's office and said "It's him or man, McMahon!" and even though Terri looks about 50 and all she does is hold a microphone and Goldust is a good worker and talker and was involved in some of the funniest wrestling skits ever last year wtih Booker T, Terri has fake boobs so Vince choo-choo choosed her! And Goldust will no9w wrestle for TNA as Whitedust and his gimmick will be that he snorts cocaine!

Gail Kim broke her collar bone when she messed up a dropkick in a match with Trish Stratus and will be out of action for 18 months! And during the time off she'll be getting breast implants, doing a photo shoot for PlayBoy, doing an interview with a magazine for Asian women where she'll tak about what a positive role model she is to young asians and filming a guest apperance in an episode of Alias where she plays a Ninja assassassin! And she might even learn some wrestling moves, but probably not, lol!

RVD did a radio inteview on Gerry and Mike's Wrasslin Party Zone where he once again launched a cryptic attack on Criple H! RVD said "Dudes, let's just say that there's one big nosed wrestler who's been holding me down, making sure I don't win the world title. Let's just say there's been one wrestler, who's married to...someone's daughter by the way, who fears RVD's popularity! Let's just say that there's one wrestler with three initials who can kiss my ass and suck my dick! Not in a gay way, but because I hate him, dudes! Three initials, think about that...and it's not RVD because why would I tell myself to kiss my own ass and suck my own cock, that would be whacked dude and it's not even possible anyway!" OMG, he'll be fired!

John Heidernike will reveal the secret of Little Johnny on the next RAW! Coach will interview him in the ring and ask what it's all about and say taht he thinks Hidernech is just making it up and John will get angry and says "I'm going to whip my Little Johnny out and piss all over the ring!" And Coach will tell him not to but Hiedurneck will reach into his pants...and pull out a fluffy white rabbit! And Coach will sayz "oh, Little's Johnny's just a rabbit!" and Hiddenrike will say yeah then suddenly pull his pants and underpants down and start peeing all over Coach as JR screams "GO TO COMMERCIAL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THEY'LL THROW US OFF THE AIR, GO TO COMMERCIAL, I'VE GOT FOUR DAMN CHILDREN TO FEED, I AIN'T LOSING MY BY GAWD JOB AGAIN!"

WWE has signed Matt Morgan, Rob Conway, the midget from RAW, Maurice from The Cat video, two of the dancing girls from the Cat video, the APA's butler, Al Wilson and that t-shirt guy Rosey attacked a while ago to long term contracts!

The Rock's next movie will be a movie version of Grand Theft Auto in which he'll play a lovabel pimp!

Teh WWE has allready planned out the whole angle with Trish/Jericho and Lita/Christian! And it'll all cum to a head in three weeks time on RAW when Jericho finally beds Trish and christian finally bedz Lita! And it just so happens that they're all in the some hotel and their rooms are next to each other! And we just see the two doors of the rooms then we hear Trish screaming in pleashure(!) and Jericho comes running out in his underpants and sez "YES, I did it, I won the bet!" and it turns out he and Christian had a bet over who could make a Diva orgasm first! And Trish and Lita run away crying then next week Jericho is backstage at RAW when Trish shows up and says "I'm pregnant!" and Jericho's shocked! And then Trish says Jericho doesnt have to worry because she's going to have an abortion and she leaves to go to teh abortion clinic! And Christian's like "dood, your the mackdaddy!" but Jericho looks confused and sad and says he thinks he might have real feelings for Trish! So he goes to the one person on the RAW rooster who knows more about women than anyone: Sexual Choclate Mark Henry! And they have a long talk and Henry tells him to follow his heart and let it lead him and Jericho says he will and rushes to the abortion clinic! And when he gets there he sees Trish standing in the hall and runs up to her and says "Trish, I'm so glad I got here in time! I love you! I know what I did was horrible, I really do have feelings for you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I want you to have my baby!" and Trish starts crying and says "I love you too, Chris!" and they make out! But then Trish says "But, uhh, I already had the abortion" and Jericho shrugs his shoulders and says "Oh well, plenty more where that came from, baby!" and they both laugh!

SIGN IDEAS FOR RAW

Steiner stole Triple H's roids!

Release Nash instead of Goldust!

Maven, just hurry up and turn heel, this angle sucks!

I stunned my girlfriend because she doesn't like beer!

SIGN IDEAS FOR SMACKDOWN!

Eddie stole my sign and used it as a taco shell!

Bring back Kidma...ah, never mind, he sucks!

Matt Morgan and Nathan Jones = Kronik Version 2.0!

Spanky and Paul London are hot! - I dont find them hott, I'm not a queergay, but if the WWE thinks women and gaydos find them hot, they might put them on Smackdown!

I was at Smackdown tappings in NEW YORK CITY! last night! And I got free comp tickets sent to me misteriously but teh return address said "H. H. Helmsley" so I think Triple H, the greatest wrassler of all tizzime by the way, is paying me back for putting him over in my last colum! Youre welcome, Trip! You scratch my itch I'll massage your back as the old saying goes! Unfortunatley when I called my girlfriend to go she said she was going to a party then when I asked her which party and why I wasnt invited the phone just disconnected us strangley, so I took my best friend ELECTRICDAVE with me instead! and he's called that because he ate a light bulb once...when it was still screwed into a lamp and turned on!!!

First was a dark match and Kanyon came out and hes still trying out new gimmicks and he came out dressed as Gandalf from The Lord Of The Rings! And when his oponent Scott Vick started walked down the aisle, Kanyon stood in his way and said "You cannot pass!" and when Vick tried to walk by him Kanyon jumped in front of him and said "You SHALL NOT PASS!" and it was a double countout!

Next was Velocity tapings! And the first match was Worlds Greatest Tag Team versus Spanky and Paul Londen and I was like "OMG, this is a workrate dream!" And Dave wanted to go get food but I held him down and forced him to watch! And Captain Lou Albano(!) came out during the match taking notes on both teams! And the it ended when the black one from WTGT pinned Spanky after four action packed minutes and it was definately a match of the year and I gave the workers a standing ovation afterwards!

Next was Rakishy versus Jonny The Bull and I thought it was going to suck but actually this match owned because Johnny The Bull is underrated and carried Rikishas ass all the way! And at one point he even picked Rikashi's big fat body up above his head in a gorilla press and it made this match even BETTAR than the workrate tag match! And I shouted "Throw his fat ass to fat person hell, Johnny!" and three little ten year old Rukishi fans got angry and tried to attack me and Dave, but I knocked two of there heads together like Hogan used to do and Dave gave the other a rock bottom right on the bleachers! But the kid didnt move for a few minutes after that and we got scared and moved seats (the arena was half empty!) so we wouldnt get arrested or something and missed the end of the match but someone said Rakishi won when he sat on Johnny so I take back what I said earlier, this match SUXED!

Next was Ultimate Dragon and Funaki versus Nunzeo and Shanon Moore but this sucked because Dragon was good in the early nineties why he was in WCW feuding with Sting but he's too old now and he should retire with dignity so Dave and I spent the match chatting up two girls in Hardy Boyz shirts but they had boyfriend but they were skanks anyway!

Finaly it was time for Smackdown!! And first of all Paul Heymen came out so of course I started a chant of "Easy Dub" for my hero and he took a bow! And he announced that since Hardcore Holly wants Brock Lesnar so bad he can have him tonight...in an arm wrestling match! And he also said that since Benoit was "unfinished business" with the A-Train they'll fight once again! Plus a special surprise which will change the face of the entire wrestling industry! Great Mike work from Heyman here!!!!

First was benoti versus Albert-Train and this was a great match thanx to Benoit! He did all his moves like chops and germans and i marked out then he put Albert in the sharpshooter and I was going crazy! But then suddenly Rhyno came out of the crowd in street clothes and we were all shocked to see him and he had shaved his head bald and died his beard white! And then he just gored Benoit and said "You think it's fucking over? IT'S NEVER FUCKING OVER!" and walked back out through the crowd right past me and I touched him and Benoit was left caughing up BLOOD and SPIT in the ring!!!!!!!

Next was Nathan Jones (BOO!) versus Orlando Bloom and I said "I hizzate Nathan Jizzones!" and Dave said "LOL, you just said jizz owns!" So I put him in a sleeper hold...which is just what Jones's match did to all the fans lol! And he won with a bodyslam or something.

Next Vince McMahon appeared on scree and we all booed and on screen it said "Undertaker's Death Update" and Vince smiled and said "Here is this week's Undertaker's death update. The Undertaker...is still dead! Mwahahahahaha!"

Next Eddy comes out for a match with the Bashems and Chavo was supposed to be his partner but he didnt show up! And the Bashams won with a double spinebuster then Shanikwa whipped them until they bled and I was kind of turned on! And they left Eddy crying in the ring and Eddy said "Where are you Chavito!?" and Chavo came out and said "Just like I said last week Eddy, I'm back with my REAL friends now" and then we heard some words we haven't heard in a long time..."MISFITS! IN ACTION!" and some peopel popped and did the MIA hand signle and sure enough Bill Demot, Lash LaRou (who's about 350 pounds now but still has his kewl haircut!), The Wall or Bull Buchannon or Horace Hogan or Van Hammer (cant remember!) and finally Major Gunns came out! And Chavo said "that's right, I'm Lootenant Loco again and I take orders from my Captain: General Hugh G Rection!" and Bill Demot was slouching so then Major Gunns got the line of the night and said "Hey! Stop slouching and stand ERECT!" and everyone laughed and I heard Hugh mutter "I hate my life." And Eddy just shrugged!

Next was a bikini contest between Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie! And Torrie looked hot in a red bikini and sure to win but then Dawn took her robe off and was just covering her boobs with her hands! And Tazz said "You call that a bikini?" and Dawn said "Yes, it's a HAND bikini!" and I marked out and then she started removing one finger at a time(!) until there was only her two little fingers left over her nipples!!!! But then suddenly a siren started to play and I recognised it as the Right To Censor siren! And sure enough Steven Richards and Ivory came out in there old Right To Censor outfits and threw a sack over Dawn and Steven said "We have come to Smackdown, our should I say SMUTdown to clean this place up one slut at a time!" and gave her a superkick and Ivory said "Most acceptable!"!!!!!

Nexxt was Jamie Noble versus Akyo or Tako or whatever that Jap is called and Jamie won in about a minute and said "Where's Tajir, boy?" and Kato pointed backstage so Jamie ran back...where Tajiri was in bed with Blind Nidia who thought he was Jamie because she cant see! And Jamie screamed "NOOOOOOO!" and Nidia said "Why are you upset, you were better than ever!"

Next was the debut of The Cat! And he came out dancing with a guy in a James Brown mask and Jacqueline for some reason! But before he could get down to some serious dancing the APA's music came on and the ran in and beat the crap out of him! And then Jackie said "Who hired you boys!?" and James Brown pulled his mask off and he was Scotty 2 Hotty!!! And Scotty said "I'm the number one dancinger on Smackdown and dont fogot that!" and did a HEEL WORM ending with a spit on The Cat!!!!!

Next Matt Mogan was shown chasing Rey Mysterio backstage but Paul Heyman stopped him and said "Hey, capture the midget was on RAW!"

It was now finaly time for the long awaited arm wrestling match between Hardcore Holly and Brock Lesnar! But right away Brock rammed the table they were sitting at into Hollys ribs then went for the F5 butt Holly reversed it in mid air into the full nelson of DOOM! And he wouldnt let it go and he must have had Brcok in it for nearly a minute when finally a stretcher came out to take Brock bacsktage but Holly still wouldnt let go so the paramedics wheeled Brock back on the stretcher with Holly lying on it too still holding Brock in the full nelson!

Backstage, Vince and Sable were having sex on a table in his office, but the table broke!

Next John Cena versus Big Show for the US title! And before the match Cena did his most viscious rap yet!

Yo yo yo, Big Show's favorite thing is eating, mine is doing my rap,

My back's going to hurt after this match from carrying you, your performances are total crap!

Dawg, chill, dont's get upset and depressed when you lose, food is the only thing that can comfort you,

You don't want to get fat again, they'll send you back down to OVW!

Well, I should have said fatter, you're so huge that it makes even me sad,

Big Bossman just called, said him and your mom still don't know who is your dad!

You're an ugly big nasty bastard too, no woman would want you, even Vince has Sable,

The chances of you ever getting laid are about as believable as King of the Ring being won by Mable!

Damn I hate you, I want to punch you, kick your ugly face with a mighty punt,

Your breath smells too dawg, in fact you're just a big, smelly...

But before we could say the naughtiest naughty word of all Big Show just grabbed him and chokeslammed him for the three and said "Now I'm going to make you eat your words!" and shoved the microphone down Cena's throat!!!!!!!!!!!1!

Paul Heyman was walking backstag and walked by Josh and said "Next it's time for my big surprise which will change the very face of the industry!"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Heyman came out and said "And now, finaly, at last, the big surprise that will change the face of the industry!"...but then Sable's music played and she came out in a robe! And she said "Nobody wants to hear it Paul they want my Sablecious body in a bikini contest!" and Heyman said "Well, okay..." and Sable said "Lets make it interesting, if I my opponent wins, they become the new co-GM with you and he said "Sure, ain't nobody can beat you, Sable!" but then music started to play..."I'm all grown up. Now. And I've listened and read!" and STEPHANIE MCMAHON HELMSLEY(!!!!) came out in a robe! And Sable took her robe off first and got a huge pop and by that I mean a few guys popped a boner! And then Stephanie took her robe off...and she was even bigger than Lash Laroux had been! But for some reason I could hear people chanting "STEPHANIE, STEPHANIE" as though she was Goldberg (only hot and in a bikini, not that she was hot but the people who were chanting must have thought so!) but I was booing and so was Dave and we looked around and everyone else was booing too! But then we looked up and saw speakers playing the chants and then had piped in the Stephanie chants! So Dave and I ripped down the speakers but it was too late because Paul said "NO, NO, NO, YOU WIN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" and then suddenly Stephanie kissed Sable and they went backstage! And Sable went into Vince's office (and he had just finished fixing the table by the way) and said "I have a surprise for you!" and Steph came in in a bikini and said "I'm Daddy's little girl again!" and made out with Sable and Vince couldn't beleive it then he smiled evily and said "Everything I've always wanted I finally have!" and started undoing his pants and Steph started taking off her bikini but then Vince kicked the camera man out! And then you heard Stpeh giggling then a crash then Vince saying "Oh well, there goes that table again!"

It was the best tapping I've even been to and I've been to DOUBLE FIGURES!!!!

And now 4 this weekz interview with Eddy Guerrero! Eddie is the first mexican to be employed by the WWF since Tito Santana and some say that he could be as grate as Tito himself one day!

Me: Hello Eddie! How are you today?

Eddie: Holmes, I'm feeling great today, man! How is you doing, esse holmes?

Me: I'm great too, I got laid last night!

Eddie: Well, uhh...congratulations. Your mamacita is a very lucky girl, holmes.

Me: Yeah, she is! But I'm sorry for going on about my success, it must be realling getting you down.

Eddie: What chu talking about, holmes?

Me: Because you've been such a loser lately! You were one of the most over guys on Smackdown a while ago, but then you lost to Big Show, and The Bashems and you'll probably lose to Chavo soon...

Eddie: Okay, that's enough, holmes, I get what you mean esse.

Me: No wonder Chavo's going to turn on you!

Eddie: Chavito is not going to turn on me, holmes, we're familia! He's my esse vato, my esse lato, my esse cato, my Essay Rios, holmes!

Me: But you throw his Wooden horse in a wood chipper in WCW!

Eddie: That wasn't me, that was Norman Smiley or Saturn or somebody, holmes.

Me: Oh yeah, lol. But maybe Chavo will get annoyed at the way you talk in that annoying fake accent and randomly insert spanish words in every sentence.

Eddie: Holmes, are you loco, esse? I don't do that, esse! El passe de murte! I'm not a stereotype, holmes! I am offended that you could suggest so, me ofenden! Ondrole! I'm all about la raza, homles! I don't talk in Spanish too much, no hablo en espanol demasiado! How could chu say such a thing, esse? Ariba esse vato burritos, esse! Huh, holmes?

Me: Okay, I apologise.

Eddie: Chu better apologise, holmes! You don't want none of my latino heat, holmes!

Me: Your Latino heat sucks if the hottest woman you could ever attract was Chnya!

Eddie: There was Victoria and that other ho in a shower one time, holmes!

Me: Oh yeah, that was kewl.

Eddie: Correctomundo, Katie Holmes!

Me: Okay, so let's talk about your drug problems!

Eddie: I'd rather not, holmes.

Me: Is it true that one time you got so wasted that you forgot where you lived and went to the wrong house, and when you found the door was locked you went in through a window and the guy who lived there woke up and saw you and screamed "ARGH, A MEXICAN TRYING TO STEAL MY STUFF!" and ran to get his gun and shot at you as you were climbing back out the window and you ran off into the woods and tripped and hit your head and weren't found for another two days?

Eddie: That never happened.

Me: Maybe you were just too drugged up at the time to remember it happening!

Eddie: IT NEVER HAPPENED, HOLMES.

Me: I get the feeling you don't like talking about your drug problem.

Eddie: No mierda, Sherlock Holmes!

Me: It's just that my readers want to know all the sensational stuff! I got Scott Hall and the Sandman to admit some pretty funny things when I interviewed them!

Eddie: You don't seem to understand that there's nothing funny about substance abuse problmes, holmes!

Me: Are you sure!? OMG!

Eddie: Why not talk about how I defeated my problems and made a successful return to the WWE last year and went on to become an even bigger star than before, holmes?

Me: Because that's boring!

Eddie: Well talk about my career or something. Talk about when my amigos the Radicalz and I jumped to the WWF.

Me: I was the first internet reporter to report that that was going to happen!

Eddie: Really holmes?

Me: Yeah! Well, I reported it back in June 1998 and I said it would be you, Raven, Silver King, Lex Luger and Chae from the Nitro Girls jumping. And that your group name would be The Bad Stuff! But I was still the first!!!

Eddie: Umm...well done...

Me: So what was it like kissing Chyna? Did you even notice that she had an Adam's Apple or anything?

Eddie: I thought we were going to talk about my career, esse?

Me: Kissing Chyna happened during your career! Or would you rather talk about how you STOLE the mullet gimmick from Awesome Mike Awesome?

Eddie: I think we should just wrap this interview up right now, holmes.

Me: Really? Well, okay. Thanx for your time and I hope you stay off the wagon!

Eddie: I think you mean on the wagon, holmes.

Me: Nah, everytime you get in a wagon you manage to crash it!

Eddie: Usted es un virginal adolescente feo y usted huele!

Me: Thanks!

What a kewl guy! Taht's all for now, I'll be back soon with more hizzott Hott Newz for my homiez and biatches!!!!!1

(This edition of Hot Newz is dedicated to the memory of Crash Holly, the greatest Hardcore champion of all time. Rest in peace, you little lepracorn!)

ANGLE'S NECK INJURY A WORK? SEAN O'HAIRE TO GET NEW MUSIC BY LIMP BIZKIT BUT STIL NO PUSH? ULTIMATE WARRIOR SET FOR RETURN, DEMANDING TEN MILLION A YEAR? AUSTIN FILMING NASH BRIDGES FEATURE FILM, OUT FOR SIX MONTHS? PLUS HOT NAKED NEAR NUDE PICS OF LITA, CHRISTIAN, AND LITA'S DOG IN BED AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

9/4/03

OMFGLOL! Finally I am bizzack with more Hot Newz after literally YEARS! A few months ago, my mom caught me making out with my hot girlfreind on our couch! And I had my hand up my girlz skirt and my mom was like "your too young for that, dood" and the biznatch grounded me from teh internet! but I still sneaked out later that nite and popped my girl'z balloon, if you smell what the Newz is cooking! anyway, mom said she'd let me back on to write a special Hot Newz special for WrestleMania and I did, but then after I wrote it my computer locked up and it was deleted!!! and I think someone must have HACK0RED (as the kidz say!) into my computer and deleted Hot Newz! And I'm not sure but I think it mighte have been someone from the WWE trying to stop me giving all there results out! Or it mite have been Scott Keith because he's GELLOUS of me because I'm now the number one most popular wrestling writer in the world! Or it might have been that Norwegian guy who hacked into Roddy Piper's email, because that guy's a mastur hacker...OR SHOULD I SAY A MASTURWANKER LOL!

Anyhoo! to make up for ground me UNJUSTLY my mom got me and my girl tickets to the smackdown tapings!!! And I went!!!! And here are the results!!!!1

First were some gay dark matchs who cares, if these guys were any good they'd allready be in the WWE! And then Kanyon came out dressed as Britney Spears and sang Baby One More Time and that's his new gimmick and he beat some Nova guy never heard of him, but then Sean O'Haire came out for his dark match and said "Everyone take drugs, drink alcohol, commit murder, kick puppies and take lots of caffeine!" and we all cheered him because all that stuff is kewl and he was like "Grr, I'm supposed to be a heel!". And then Scott Vick came out and we all laughed at him because he's been in dark matches for four years and he muttered "I hate my life"!

Next was some Velocity match so I went to get a hot dog and some nachos and a Nathan Jones t-shirt (JOKE LOL!) and when I got back some guy was hitting on my girl and she was acting like she was into him just to mess with his mind, and she even made out with him a littel just to really confuse him, so I sneaked up behind the guy and pushed him down the bleachers! And security was going to throw me out but I explained I'm friends with Brad Shaw and suddenly they looked all scared and ran away and Funaki was in the ring so I just made out with my girl for ten minutes until the REAL matches started.

First match was Rey Misterio versus Bill DeMott! And Rey hit the 619 right away but Bill just totally no sold it and started laughing I thought he was switching back into his Hugh Morris character and I was scared! then Bill picked up Rey wiht ONE HAND and spun him around above his head and it was unbelievable and I couldn't believe my eyes so I waved my hand in front of my eyes to make sure I wasn't imagining it but I could see my hand and I knew then that this amazing feat of strengh had actually happened! And then Rey rolled him up for the pin!

backstage bit with Brian Kendrick and Stephanie. And Brian wants to bee on the show tonite but Stephanie says he can only be on it if he does something special to her underneath her desk and Brian goes under the desk and then you hear Stephanie moaning in delight and saying "that feels gooood!" Then Brian comes up and says "was that a good enough FOOT MASSAGE, Stephanie?" And she says "Yes, thanks. Now perform oral sex on me!"

Next match is Chris Beniot versus Rhyno. And before the match Benoit said that he's changing that name of his German suplexes to Freedom Throws out of respect for the US troops since Germany opposes war on Irak! But then Rhyno reminded Benoit that he's actually FRENCH Canadian and Benoit was all confused and didnt know what to think so Rhyno gored him! But then Rhyno said he's not going to do the Gore anymore out of respect for Goldberg but then he couldn't think of any other moves to do and Benoit grabed him and gave him three rolling freedom throws for the win! And it was the best match of the night.

Next was a skit with Eddy and Chavo, Los Thiefing Mexicans! and they saw an old woman and tried to take her wallet and the old bag screamed "I have no money!" so Chavo punched her but then she said she recognizes them from the teevee and she's going to tell the police! And meanwhile the FBI were stealing a car (it's a cross-over skit!) and the police were chasing them and when they drove by, Eddy pushed the old woman in front of the FBI's car and they mowed her down! and Eddy and Chavo ran away with the wallet laughing cheekily and hid in the bushes and watched as the police arrested the FBI. then Chavo opened the wallet and Eddy said "it's a victimless crime, esse!" but there was no money in the wallet, just old sweets! Then they ate the sweets!

Next Team Angl3e came out and started looking under the ring and we were confused until the black one said "We're looking for that rat bastard Saddamn Hussien to give him a good old USA ass-kicking!" and we all cheered and they're faces now but then Big Show and Albert ran (well, walked briskly!) out and beat them up and Big Show said "why don't you try looking up YOUR ASS!" and I was shocked and appalled.

Nexxt was Brian Kendrick versus Jamie Noble. But before the match, Nidia (who looks HOT in person!) started making out with random guys in the front row! And then she came to me and my girl and siad to her "hey aren't you Avril Lavinge?" because my girl looks EXACTLY like Avril only hotter and then she started making out with my girl!!!! And they were obviously just doing this to set up a threesome with me, and my girl acted like she was loving it and I thought Nidia slipped my girl a phonenumber but my girl said she didn't so I must have imagined it! And when they finally finished I said to Nidia "now it's my turn, bitch!" but Nidia just walked away so she must not have heard me! Oh yeah, teh match, Kendrick was exhuasted from pleasuring STephanie so Noble just punched him once and pinned him!

Next was the return of Pipers Pit! And first Piper talked about baseball for ten minutes for no reason and then finally his guests came out and they were Torrie Wilson and old woman Sable! And Sable asks Torrie if she can do The Grind on Torrie's face, but Torrie says no since she's dating Kidman! Then Sable says she'll sablebomb Kidman, but Torrie says "you can't powerbomb Kidman!" And then I held up a sign which said "Roddy Piper is played by Mike Myers!" meaning that he's a Fat Bastard! And I shooted "Get in ma belly!" at Piper and he was going to attack me but then some Norwegian guy ran out and jumped Piper! And meanwhile Sable pulled a coconut out of her bra and hit Torrie with it like Jimmy Snuka did that one time! And then Sable started giving Torrie mouth to mouth ressucitateon, with tongue!

Next was Undertaker versus John Cena! And here's the rap Cena did, word 4 word!

Yo, it's time once again for a John C rap
Undertaker, you'll be so scared of my thugenomics that you'll fill your pants with crap!
You're known as The Dead Man, booger red and big evil
When I hit you with my death valley driver, you betta not no-sell!
What, evil and sell rhym, don't diss me fool
This ain't ballet, I'm gonna kick your ass, not challenge you to a duel!
You murdered your own parents, burned them in a house fire
Your recent matches with Big Show and Albert have been totally dire!
You're so old you need to ride a bike, you're no longer dead man walking
My rape is over now, I'm sure you'll all agree I did some serious mocking!

It was the best rap EVAR! And the match sucked Cena just held him in a chinlock for five minutes then the FBI ran in (I don't know how they got out of jail!) and started hitting him with lead steel pipes and Nathan Jones tried to run in to save but he tripped ont the ramp and knocked himself out! And Cena won!

Next was Brock Lesnar versus Matt Hardy! And the Matt facts were "Matt and Lita do it doggy style" and "Matt's brother is a homo!" And Matt did the twist of fate right away but Brock just got right back up and laughed evily (kind of like Bill Demott did earlier, hmm!) and picked Matt up for the F5 but then put Shannon Moore on to Matt and had them both up and F5ed them both at the same time! And then he climbed to the top like he was going to do a shooting star press but then he shook his head and did a second rope leg drop instead to humilate Matt and Lesnear won!

Main event was a Vince McMahon interview, of course! And Vincre talked about how the WWE is safe now that Hogan is fired but then Steve Austin comes out! And Austin sez that since Bischoff fired him from Raw he'll be on Smackdown now! And Vince says he'll just fire Stone Cold to but Austin says he cant since Linda has made him the new CEO then he stuns Vince! But then Hulk Hogan comes out and gives Austin three punches a big boot and a leg drop! And he says that Mick Foley made him the new commissenor months ago and he forgot about it and his first act is to fire Austin! And then he helps up Vince and hugs him but then he swerves and gives Vince three punches, a big bizzoot and a leg drop and says his second act is to fire Vince! But then Shane McMahon comes out with the Mean Stree Posses (they're back~!) and says that he made Pete Gas the CEO before Linda made Austin it and Pete lays out Hogan with the Gas Mask! ANd then after the cameras stop rollin' Rikishi comes out and dances to send the crowd home happy!

It was the best wrestling show I've ever been to and I've been to a lot not to brag but I've probably been to a lot more than you so I know what I'm talking about!!!1

THE SIGNS I HELD AT THE TAPINGS!

Nathan Jones has commited a crime...AGAINST WORKRATE!

My friend David is gay! - This one needs explaining! I have a friend, named David, and he's gay!

Funaki is funky! Funky-naki! - This one's an IN JOKE that you won't get!

Rey Mysterio = Tazz in a mask with talent!

Sable's implants are older than Brian Kendrick!

Hot Chicks email me at HotWWFNewz@hotmail.com - I had to hide this one from my girl, she wouldn't understand that I'm a PLAYA!

I'll be bizzack sizzoon wiht more Hot Newz doodz!

TRISH TO APPEAR IN PLAYBOY TO PROVE SHE'S SEXIER THAN TORRIE? GOLDBERG TO USE FOUR MOVES IN NEXT MATCH INSTEAD OF THREE? ROCK TO STAR IN X-MEN 3 AS BEAST? PLUS HOT NUDE NEVER BEFORE SEEN UNUSED PLAYBOY PICS OF TORRIE WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

15/11/01

Hey my doodz!!! Surviviro series, the thanksgiving tradition that started in 1734 when native indians fighted the european settlers to the death in REAL wrestling matches, is coming at cha on Sunday!!!! ANd OMG, after survivor series theres not going to be no more WWF or WCW or ECW and half the wrasslers are gonna get fired and their going to have to work 4 Brain Knobbs and Hulk Hogan and do jobs for Horace Hogan and Buff Bagwell!!!!! And I'm going to try to get the survivor series booking sheet, but right now here is Smackdown resluts from my man DEADMANWALKINGECDUB!!!

Here they is!

"Hey man! I was at smackdown last night in Madison Squared Gardens and Ive got the rapings resutlts for ur kewl site!

DARK MATCHES! I was surprised that they didn't turn the lights out for the dark matcheS!!! ADn in the first one, Sick Boy beat Beau Dupp and in the second one Russ Hass beat Brock Lesner then finally Randy Orton beat Shelton Bejamin and all these matches sucked cuz I didn't know who the people were and I bet they were never in ECWDUBYA and dont know the meaning of hardcore!

HEAT MATCHES! Tazz cumes out and I chant, YOU SOLD OUT, YOU SOLD OUT and he spits at me!

Albert and Scotty 2 Hotty beat Lance Storm and Justin Incredible with a double worm. THEY ARE WASTING THE IMPACT PLAYAZ!!!

Kidman beat Funkai: YAWN, these guys aren't hardcore!

Chavo beat Crash: I chanted EDDY GOT FIRED at Chavo and he startedd crying!

SMACKDOWN TAPINGS!! Lilian sang america the beautiful and I could see up her skirt!

Undertaker beat William Regal: This was a greate match! Undertaker is the only WWF guy who could survive in ECWDUB and he isn't old or fat and he DOES sell moves and hes a technical wrestling king and Scott Keith can suck my ass! Undertake one with the last ride in 90 seconds.

Kane beat Kurt Angle: Kane is good but he ain't as good as the old dead man! And he made Kurt tap to his own ankle lock and Kurt was crying into his milk afterwards!

Paul Heyman did a promo and it was hardcore! At first I chanted "YOU SOLD OUT" to Heyman but at the end I was chanting "EC DUB YA!" cus Paul E told the TROOTH about how ECW invented hardcore wrestling and WWF stole it and how ECW was the first company to use tables and chairs and ladders and beer and how the WWF stole Stone Cold and Triple H from EC DUB YA! And then Vince came out and said "WHAT THE HELLLLL are tyou talking about, stop shooting!" but Paul E kicked him in the ballz! And I think Paul E is a face now cause everfyone was chating ECWDUB with me!

Jericho beat Saturn: Who cares, neither of these guyz were ever in ECDUB!

Backstage, Edge was drinking some water then Christian walked up and sed "I totally peed in that water, bro!" and Edge spat it on Christian and chased him but he ran rite into Test big boot and Christian said "I didn't pee, but our mom did a shit 27 years ago when she gave birth to you!"

DDP beat Tajiri after William Regal threw hot tea in Tajiri's eyes and Tajir staggerd around blind but he still kicked Regal in the ears then challenged him to a blidnfold match on Sunday!

Big Show came out dressed as Andre the gian and said Andre was his dad who died from cancer wrestlig Big John Stuff for the WWF and he'll win at Survivor Series for Andre but then the Big Bossman came out and said "hey big freakshow, I'm the biggest newest memmber of the alliance and by the way, I was wrestling Andre when he died and I killed that big nasty bastard!" and Big Show started crying and Bossman sprayed pepper in his eyes and hit him with his stick and sed "your serving hard time, just like your dead daddy is in hell, BOY!"

Dudleys beat Palumbo and Billy Gunn and Billy and Chuck nearly fought afterwards but then they hugged and Billy said, "come on, I'll show you why they call me the ass man!" and they touched each other on the balls and went backstage!

Lita beat Ivory and I could see Lita thongs and the top of her ass and it ruled and then afterwards Jeff Hardy came out and hugged Lita then Matt came out and said "get you hands off my bitch!" and gave him the twist of fate but then Lita said "dont call me a bitch Matt I'm serious" and Matt said "don't go there girlfriend" and Lita said "no matt I'm serious don't call me a girlfirned I mean a bitch and matt no matt I'm serious Matt" and Matt gave her the twist of fat and said "I'm sick of having sex with your ass!" and walked away and we all booed and then a fan tried to jump into the ring to rape Lita but I stopped him and everyone cheered me and Lita kissed me on the cheek...THE BUTT CHEEK!

Hahaha,I made that up1

The Hurrican beat Dean Malenko: Then then Dean said "i've been in a wrestling for 31 years and now its time to retire" but no one cared and I sand "nanana na, na na na na, hey hey hey, good riddance!" and everyone laffed at Dean and then climbed on top of the titan tron and said he'll kill himself but Chris Benwah came out in a neckbrace and said Dean has so much to live for and Dean said "like what?" and Benwah said "good point!" and Dean jumped!

Main event was a singing contest between Austin and The Rock again and Austin sang Enimen and he said "Hi, my name is WHAT? My name si WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?" and he said what for ten minutes straigth then the crowd said what for 23 minutes then Rock said what for half an hour then Austin said "DTA YOU PIECE OF SHIT" and stunned the Rock then Booker T came out and said "SUCKA, this has GOTS to be a dancing contest" and Austin did the spinarronie but then The Rock did a better Spinaroonie and Booker sed Rock wins so Austin stunned Booker and Rock sang "aMerican pie" but he sang it as "poontang pie" and he said Autin doesn't like Poontang and he has a bigger strudel than Austin and he also has bigger BALLS than the Austin and Austin said he has a 24 inch ratlesnake and he was going to get it out but Val VEnis came back and said it is unaccpetable to show your dick on tee vee so rock stunn4d him and Austin did the People elbow and then Rock and Austin hugged but Jericho came out and said Rock is a tratior for hugging Austin but then RVD came out and said Austin is a trator for hugging Rock but then RVD stunned Austin and Jericho rock bottomed Rock and then Jerich hugged RVD but RVD busted him open by accident on the hug so JEricho gave RVD a neckbreaker and JEricho was the last man standing and JR scream "WILL IT BE LIKE THIS THIIS SUNDAY TUNE IN TO FIND OUT" then he thought the show was over and said "that oughta to hold those little SOBs" but Mitchell Cole sais "we're still on the air!" so JR give Micheal Mole a wedgie to a big pop and said "SUCK IT!"

And that is what happened at Smackdonw tapings!"

Wow, JR said SUCK IT? Are you sure he didn't say "I suck!" lol back soon wit more newz for all my homiez!