Matt Hardy Special!

OMG I am back from my vegetable state with more Hot Newz! I woke up from my HHH induced coma when I heard that Matt Hardy has been going kerazy on Twitter! A SEXY NURSE read his tweets to me and it cured me of vegetation! Then we had sex on my hospital bed, using the bedpan as a sex toy and everything! I am BACK now with the most in-depth, hard-hitting, detailed story on MATT HARDY GOING CRAZY that you will EVER read! Don't even subscribe to the Observer because you won't find these kinds of details there (just lots of crap about MMA that nobody cares about!) So READ ON loyal readers (I think there's about three of you left!) for the REAL truth about Matt Hardy!

...but FIRST, I will take a look at the new season of NXT! Unlike the previous BORING seasons featuring rookies like David Octopus, Heath Ledger, Musky Harris, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and Kaval (ten years in the business and he's STILL not passed his pro exam to become a pro!) this seaosn features only HOT DIVAS and is therefore the BEST or shoud I say BREAST season of NXT in history! The only appropriate way to discuss this seaons is to rank the Rookie Divas (Roovas!) in order of who is the most suitable to be a Diva (mainly based on who I'd most like to bang the shit out of!) and here is that ranking!

1) Katlyn - Well, DUH! She has big juicy thighs like MEN like, she has big juicy fake breasts like REAL MEN like and she actually has a sense of humor! Okay so she stole all her jokes form tv shows, but she at least stole from GOOD shows like The Office and Seinfeld and Law And Order: SVU and not BAD shows like Frasier and Cheers (have you noticed taht they both have Ted Dancing in them!?) That thing about imaginign the audience in their underwear was SUPPOSED to be bad because it was post-ironic humor! she can't wrestle at all but neither could Layla six months ago and now she's better than Trish (and hotter!)

2) Naomi - OMG, did you see those white pants on Smackdown? She has a LOT of junk in her ass if you know what I mean! Naomi is a LEGIT REAL athlete who could easily win an olympic gold medal in ANY sport she chosses as proven by her amazing performance in capture the flag! She is also great int he ring as she has had secret training sessions from AWESOME KONG who is actually her cousin (I'm not just saying this because they're both black, it's true!) and will be Naomi's bodyguard on smackdown in a month!

3) AJ - She is supposed to be the new Mickie James but you'd need TWO AJs to WEIGH the same as ONE Mickie James if you know what I mean! Also she had an annoying voice! I HATE THAT. On the other hand, I'd shit the bang out of her!

4) Jaime Chung - I thought she was supposed to be Asian! Isn't teh NXT ring announcer asian and isn't she the NXT ring announcer? So how come she's not asian!? Unless she's one of those asians who doesn't LOOK asian in which case what's the point of that! The whole point of asians is that they are asian! Or maybe she's white, I don't know. She sucks anyway!

5) Maxine - I can't remember which one she is.

6) Ahsoka Tano - She don't speak no English! What's the point!? Goldust should trade her in for another mail order russian bride! Or Terri Runnels should come out and burn her with a cigar causing Goldust to moan in sexual pleasure! On the other hand, she is REALLY HOT and looks just like Trish and I LOVE Trish (more than Layla!) so maybe she should be first, actually!

And now at long last I can present to you my SPECIAL INVESTIGATION into Matt Hardy goign crazy and being fat! This all started MONTHS AGO when Matt showed up fat at Smackdown (so fat that they banned him from doing the second rope legdrop for fear that he'd break the ring!) and Vince said "you're jobbing to Drew McIntyre, pal!" and Matt nodded meekly and said "yes sir..." but then pulled his blackberry out of his pants and started TWEETING to the world! Many of Matt's tweets have since been deleted (because he realized they were fucking retarded) but I saved them all and will present them to you RIGHT HERE!

"Sick and tired of being asked to job to drew mcintyre and my voice saying yes. that's right you smarks marks, they ask you first. they ask. i wish i could make my voice say no just once. maybe if you all tweet your support I will"

"Just came up with a new t-shirt idea...a close-up of my appendix scar with 'BURSTING for success!' underneath...would be a brilliant new direction for the Matt Hardy brand!"

"What do you know, management don't like my t-shirt idea. Said it was the 'stupidist shit ever'! I know that's a lie, because I've suggested much stupider shit in the past! Don't know how much longer I can put up with them treating my brand this way."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. i looked at the audience afterwards and i could tell that they could all tell that it was bullshit. i winked at them. i think they understood."

"I want all you fans to start chanting 'we don't want Matt to job to Drew at house shows' at house shows if it looks like I'm about to job to Drew at a house show...thanx."

"you know things aren't always as they seem....sometimes it might look like someone's brother is facing drug trafficking charges...but what if that brother is actually testifying against the mafia and the drug charges are just a cover...think about it."

"just beat drew mcintyre by dq on a house show...the winds of change are changing."

"just jobbed to drew mcintyre on a house show. some stooge punk pigeon must have stooled me out and told the bookerman about this twitter. i'm not saying any names...or should I say, I'm not CM'ing any names. that punk."

After being destroyed on smackdown by Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler and even Musky Harriss on an episode of NXT nobody but me watched (but it DID happen!), Matt was LITERALY BURIED by Dashing Cody Rhosdes on Smackwon!

"List Matt, even though my dad is an ugly potato with a blotch on his belly, I'm still better looking than you! And so is he! Listen Matt, even though your weight game is a result of an intestinal injury you suffered in the WWE ring and it's completely irresponsible for us to keep bringing it up, and these kind of segmetns will end up coming back to bite Linda McMahon in the ass...I'm still going to bring it up! You fat! You ate your own push! And Jack Swagger's! Haha!"

Matt finally SNAPPED after jobbing to CM Punk on a house show in jolly old England!

*Matt grabs the microphone from Jaime Chung*

Matt: Yeah, you better run, Punk! I'll shoot kick your ass! You might be a master of shoot karate, but I've been shooting in my backyard with Jeff, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT I SAID HIS NAME, since I was two years old and Jeff wasn't even born! You think you can take me? Well, take THIS!

*Matt does a really crappy looking kick into thin air*

Matt: POW-YAH! YEAH!! You gonna come back and fight me, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH? Thought not! Yeah, I'm shooting from the hip here, fellas. Or should I say, England, shooting from the PIP PIP!

*crowd stare at him blankly*

Matt: Yeah, you're all stunned because this isn't PART OF THE SHOW. Yeah, that's right, the old boy's network have been trying to keep the Matt Hard Brand down because I was getting too popular! They're scared that I'll get more popular than Cena and Randy Orton combined multiplied by a million and that they'll have to give me the belt! Guess what! I already HAVE a belt and it holds my trousers up! That's the only belt I need because all I care about are my fans! But if you keep jobbing me out, Vince, you phoney, you scumbag, you scumnose, if you keep jobbing me out, then I'll BE out...of this company! I'll make an IMPACT elsewhere, if you know what I mean! Now that's total non-stop Mattitude, if you know what I mean! That's mister TNA, if you smell what I'm cooking! That's the bottom line, because Hulk Hogan says so!

*the fans start throwing things at Matt*

Matt: You're giving me gifts! Thanks a lot! I love England! I love every part of England, like Scotland and Wales and Ireland! I love your bangers and mash! Your stake and kidney pies! I love Ricky Gervais and that stupid laugh he always does! I love the queen! Is that her there?

*Matt points at an old woman in the crowd*

Matt: Hello, your majetsty! Or should I say, your MATTesty! I...

*his microphone is finally cut and Matt just stands in the ring looking around for about a minute before walking backstage, waving*

Matt(shouting): You haven't seen the last of me! That is, if TNA do tours of England...

After this SHOCKING display (all the agents were too busy laughing at him to cut his microphone sooner!) WWE decided to take Matt OFF THE ROAD and SEND HIM HOME as exclusively revealed by ME on my TWITTER (if you didn't see it you're obviously not following me and I won't tell you my twitter name because if you don't know it already then you don't DESERVE to read my exclusives!) Matt then promised something BIG on Twitter!

"Hoo boo...:::laughing:::...I've got somethign that will BLOW YOU AWAY...like how Lita used to blow me away :::choking with laughter::: only joking I love you Lita. Call me. Please."

Matt then HIT BACK with a very special youtube video from England!

*we see a shot of Matt's feet, walking down a road*

Matt: That's right, fans. That's my FEET. Walking down a ROAD. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was sent OFF THE ROAD? How can I be off the road if I am, in fact, on the road?

*a car nearly runs over Matt*

English Driver: Get off the road, you bloody wankpot!

Matt: Haha, sorry! One of my fans there, waving to me. Interesting, though, isn't it, that he was driving on the LEFT side of the road. But how can this be? Hot Newz reported that I was SENT HOME. They don't drive on the left at home! Not unless they're high on drugs like...well, not like Jeff, becasue he doesn't do drugs...FORGET I SAID THAT. The point is...

*he points the camera at BIG BEN the big English clock that can be seen from anywhere in England because it's so big!!*

Matt: I am still in ENGLAND! I haven't been sent home AT ALL! But that would mean...that the smark smarts and the dirty sheets and CRZ and 411 and Rajah and Sean Shannon and WrestleLine and ScoopThis and Bill Apter were all WRONG! Hmmm, maybe you SHOULDN'T believe everything you see and read. LIKE A CERTAIN DRUG TRIAL FOR A CERTAIN BROTHER. Or CM Punk WINNING matches when in actual fact if the matches were real CM Punk would LOSE those same matches! Everyone in England has been so supportive and I've even got a meeting scheduled with their beloved Prime Minister Tony Blair! Here, I'll just grab a random woman off the street and ask her what she thinks of the WWE violating my career...

*Matt grabs a random woman off the street*

Woman: Aaaah, what's going on!?

Matt: Excuse me miss, but what do you think of the WWE RAPING my career?

Woman: Rape? RAPE?

*she pulls out a rape whistle and starts blowing it*

Woman: RAPE!!!

(Matt pushes her away and runs off. He runs for a while longer until he gets tired.)

Matt: She was probably a CM Punk fan! And I'm NOT tired because I'm fat and running is too much effort...it's because I just took ten somas, okay? So stop making fun of me! Anyway, I think I'll go back to my hotel and have some English food...somas and mash! Soma and kidney pie! Seeya!

*Matt runs away as he hears a police car*

As you can see, Matt was utterly insane in the membrane now! Tony Blair isn't even the Prime Minster of Britain (more like the Prime MASTURWANKER!), Margret Thatcher is, everbody knows that! However WWE still didn't want to release him because they knew if Matt went to TNA he'd reunite with Jeff Hardy and literally twelve overweight Hardy Boyz fangirls would DEFECT from watching WWE to watching TNA! But then Vince finally found out about Matt going crazy when Kelly Kelly told him in bed (they were having sex!) and said "I can't have a CRAZY HARDY BOY running about eating somas and calling Lita a slut, that will endanger Linda's political career if it gets out! Kelly, I'll service you sexually in five minutes, right after I MAKE A CALL..." Vince then called up Matt and said "YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRED!" and hung up! WWE then fnally put a statement on their website...

"World Wrestling Entertaiment has come to terms with Superstar Matt Hardy and released him from his contract. To be honest we would have done it years ago but we needed a good jobber after Funaki left. And we knew Matt really wanted to leave so we decided to keep him around to cause him more pain. HA HA HA. WWE wishes him good luck in his future endeavours...because he's going to need it!"

Matt was IMMEDIATELY signed by TNA as announced cryptically on Dixie's Twitter ("just signed a famous wrestling brother to a BIG BUCKS deal..and it's not Kane! It's Matt Hardy!") and TNA's ace writer Vince Russo INSTANTLY constructed a storyline for Matt's debut!

"Okay, get this, let me lay this on y'all, ya mooks! First of all, Rhino leaves EV 2.0 because "I want to dominate the TAG TEAM PLANET!" and after a one week search forms a new tag team with none other than SHARK BOY who wears new METALLIC ring gear! Their aim is to dominate both on land AND at sea! To get them over they will first LOSE by DQ to Generation Me when Rhina and Sharkboy BITE one of those bums, and then lose clean the next week to The Motor City Machine Guns and after the match Rhina GORES the barricade in rage to really get him over and the barricade EXPLODES! But what's this? MATT HARDY was sitting behind the barricade in disguise because he was attending the show as a fan! Part of the barricade goes in Matt's eye and he is BLINDED and not seen for three weeks!

Matt then RETURNS showing no sings of an eye injury (because he's TOUGH) and says "you know what, Rhino and Shark Boy, people have been trying to bully me two on one my whole life and that's a shoot! People UP NORTH were HOLDING ME DOWN because they knew that I could SOAR to the HEAVENS if they didn't and that's a shoot! So you guys want to bully me two on one, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUUUH? How about trying it...TWO ON TWO! That's right! At the next pay per view I will team up with a VERY SPECIAL MAN from North Carolina to take you NIMRODS down...and it will be extreme...TEAM EXTREME...OOOOH YEAH!"

So then at the pay per view Matt comes out first and says "and now my tag partner, he's a man I've known all my life...it is of course...SHANNON MOORE!" and Shannon Moore comes out made up to look like Jeff! This will be UNEXPECTED and will POP the crowd and create a BUZZ on the internet and Shannon Moore will probably be trending on Twitter too! Rhina and Sharkboy win when Sharkboy (NOT RHINO) gores Shannon out of his boots and you see Shannon's boots literally pop off! This sets up a feud between Rhino and Sharkboy over who has the best gore! Then Matt helps Shannon up and says "you tried your best...BUT YOU FAILED! HOLLYWOOD MATT HARDY HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT!" and gives him a Twist Of Fate onto broken glass!

On the next Impact Matt comes out and says 'you stinking fans all want to cheer me and have been dying to see me in TNA, well guess what? I don't care about any of you! My Twitter account was run by an assisstant! I made A MILLION BUCKS up North! The only reason I came to TNA? To get some of Dixie's sweet sweet cash! And IF MY BROTHER JEFF wants to fight me in a loser leaves town hundred dollar buck ladder match where there's a hundred dollars suspended from the rafters then COME ON DOWN!' But Jeff doesn't come out (he's either in jail or doing an injury angle!) SHANNON MOORE comes out to finally get his revenge and kicks Matt in the balls and climbs up the ladder and takes the hundred bucks...but then he looks at it closely and say 'Huh? This is a forgery!' and Matt gives him a twist of fate off the ladder and says 'Of course it's a forgery! I love my fans! I loVe the TNA galaxy! I don't care about money at all, it was all a test! I wanted to see what was in your soul, Shannon! Because the only thing in my soul...IS LOVE!' Then Matt goes on to feud with Nigel McGuinness or someone.

Unfortunately, since WWE owns the name 'Matt Hardy' he'll have to wrestle under his Omega name 'The Angelic Devil' Monster!"

Wow, I can't wait to not see that!

WWE has since DELETED the news of his release and Dixie has said "Umm, I was talking about Mickie James. IN CODE!" and Matt has released a random, rambling video about grapes! "I'm not lazy, I don't eat McDonald's, EH-EH! I EAT GRAPES! Would someone who only eats McDonald's be able to slam a tornado and dry up the seas? No, only a grape eater could do tthat!"

But that was just the crazy tip of the derranged iceberg of madness! Matt then released a video so batshit insane that Meltzer said it was a work, but I can reveal that it was in fact a NON-WORK (a shoot!) and here is the exclusive transcript as youtube have deleted it for being too disturbing!

*Matt is moonwalking in a wrestling ring. He turns round like he's just noticed the camera.*

Matt: Oh, hi! Didn't see you there! Welcome!

*He takes out a pipe, lights it and starts smoking*

Matt: Do I have a COUGH COUGH...a tale to tell you!

*He throws the pipe away.*

Matt: Filthy habbit, the wife is always telling me to quit! So, I suppose you all want to know what's going on with me! There's been a lot of speculation. A lot of drama. A lot of SPECUDRAMA. But here';s the truth. The straight dope. Not the kind of dope Jeff doesn't smoke, but the TRUTH! I AM AN ELEPHANT. ROAR!

*Matt holds his hand in front of his nose like it's a trunk.*

Matt: Haha, only joking! Of course I'm not elephant! Of course not roar! The REAL truth? I have a...condition. A condition of the mind. A mental condition, if you will. How can I explain...well, you know that episode of Star Trek where they got to an alternate universe? And in this mirror universe Picard is evil and has hair and he's sexually abusive of Riker who doesn't have a beard and Geordi his telescopes for eyes? Remember that episode? It ends with Troi giving Data a sexual oiling? Because he's a robot, you see? REMEMBER IT? Yeah? WELL THAT'S MY LIFE. You see these mirror universes ARE REAL. I looked out into the void and at the same time, my mirror self looked out. And do you know what we saw? EACH OTHER. Our minds intersected. Our minds MELDED. And in that moment I became TWO PEOPLE, not one-uh! I can access that other Matt at any time...in fact, do you want to hear from him now? Here we go!

*Matt sucks his gut in and makes a funny face*

Matt: I am the other Matt Hardy! I come from a universe where it is Matt Hardy, NOT JEFF, who is the big star in TNA making millions of bucks! I come from a universe where I just gave Hulk Hogan a Twist Of Fate off the top of a cage through a table! I come from a universe WHERE LITA STILL LOVES ME. Ahem. I come from a universe where everything is better. That's why YOUR universe's Matt has gone crazy He saw this new unvierse and became depressed at being trapped in a universe of jobbing to Drew McIntyre on house shows and being choked by Mickie James when he comes onto her! Don't worry! Everything will be okay soon...when Matt manages to open a Stargate leading to my universe and comes to live with MEEEEE!

*Matt smiles*

Matt: It's me again, this universe's Matt Hardy! As you can all see, I'm not crazy at all! So don't believe the dirty sheets...

*He pulls a copy of the Observe and the Pro Wresting Torch out of his pants and gives them both the Twist of Fate*

Matt: Even though no one actually reads the Torch but me and you only know what they're saying because I'm telling you about it...don't believe them! Believe in me! HUUUUUUH!

Finally I have decided to go to the source and get the INSIDE SCOOP from Matt Hardy himself by calling him on his home phone number which I have because I'm on the inside!

Me: Hello, Matt?

Matt talking in a woman's voice: No, this isn't Matt...

Me: Who is it?

Obviously Matt trying desperately to sound like a girl: It's Lita, of course!

Me: Funny, sounds like Matt to me...

"Lita": No, it's me! In the flesh! The beautiful soft flesh...

Me: Prove it by saying something only Lita would know!

"Lita": CM Punk and Edge have really small penisdicks!

Me: But I've seen the Punk/Serena pics with visible nipple and cock slip and his willy is huge!

"Lita": Photoshop! Anyway, Matt's is STILL bigger even than those fake pics. You dirty linen writers should do your research!

Me: By sleeping with Matt Hardy?

"Lita": Yes! If you're a hot girl, that is! By the way, I'm naked.

Me: Naked!? What ARE you doing at Matt's place anyway?

"Lita": Isn't that obvious, huh? HUH? HUUUUUUH? We just had the sex! Matt's done it with girls and everything! Totally! Yeah! That's why he can't come to the phone right now, he's so tired...

Me: Not because he just took a dozen somas...

"Lita": NO. FROM THE SEX. THE HARDCORE SEX LIKE YOU SEE IN PORN. Only Matt's seen it FOR REAL because he's a STUD MONKEY.

Me: How come you aren't tired then, Lita?

"Lita": Because I've had sex with so many men! I have a higher threshold for sexual tiredness than any woman on the planet! But that was all training! That was just me getting ready to pleasure the greatest love of my life, Matt Hardy, VERSION SEX.

Me: So why did you cheat on him with Edge?

"Lita": What you don't know is, when I was cheating on Matt with Edge I was also actually cheating on Edge with Matt! Emotionally, that is. Not actual sex.

Me: Well, what's going on with Matt now? He wants a release, the WWE won't give him one!

"Lita": They're scared that he'll start his own wrestling company with Hurricane, Jeff, Shannon Moore, Pete Gas and me named CYBER OMEGA and broadcast only online!

Me: That doesn't sound very scary!

"Lita": Did I mention that BOB HOLLY will be the special "enforcer"?

Me: No, you didn't.

"Lita": Oh...right.

Me: So what's Matt going to do to get released?

"Lita": Who can tell? Matt is an enigma. But he's also charismatic, so people are drawn to him. A charismatic enigma, you could say...

Me: No, that's Jeff.

"Lita": Yeah, in THIS universe!

Me: Umm...

"Lita": Oh, I thnk I see Matt stirring in the distance...I'll see if he can talk.

(One second later.)

Matt: HI HOT NEWZ!

Me: You got to the phone quick!

Matt: It's my new diet. It helps me do a LOT of things quicker! Just ask Lita, haha

Me: But didn't you used to say "Matt Hardy will not diet!"

Matt: Haha, good pun...but don't disrespect the Matt Hardy Brand like that. Seriously.

Me: What will you do if WWE NEVER release you, like how the Genius was employed by WCW for fifteen years but never once appeared on tv?

Matt: Hang out with YOU GREAT FANS on Twitter!

Me: Well I hope they release you soon then!

Matt: Look Hot Newz, you dirty sheet writer, you human parasite, you miserable rodent, there's something I've always want to ask you...can you show me how to do the Hot Newz shuffle?

Me: NO. You have to be COOL to do the Hot Newz Shuffle!

Matt: But I am cool! Tell him, Lita!

"Lita" (high pitched): He's cool!

Me: Why are you talking like that, Lita?

"Lita": Uhh...I just huffed some helium.

Me: DRUGS? I thought CM Punk got you off then! Or did he just GET YOU OFF...IN BED!

Matt: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, HOT NEWZ, I KNOW PEOPLE, I KNOW BOB HOLLY, HE DOESN'T LIKE ME BUT I KNOW HIM!

Me: Well I still haven't gotten to the bottom of the Matt Hardy mystery, but I think if I did it would be disappointing and not live up to its full potential, like your career, so I'll just say goodbye for now.

Matt: Okay, Hot Newz, bye for now. No hard feelings. Just print everything I say word for word and don't make me look crazy.

Me: I'll definitely do the first part!

Matt: Say bye, Lita.

"Lita": Bye, Lita.

Matt: She's so silly!

PHONECALL ENDS

Wow, that was intense! We may never know what's going on inside Matt Hardy's sick mind! Let's just hope he doesn't die soon or this whole article will be a lot less funny! And it wasn't even very fun in the first place!

Back soon with more Hot Newz!

GENERATION ME TO CHANGE THEIR NAME TO "GENERATION MEN" AND WORK INCEST HOMOS GIMMICK? CHRIS JERICHO TO VOW TO RETIRE IF HE EVER WINS A MATCH AGAIN? SERENA VISITS LINDSAY LOHAN IN PRISON? RIC FLAIRE TO COMPLETELY EMBARRASS HIMSELF AND PISS ON OWN LEGACY EVERY WEEK ON IMPACT, THE SAD OLD FART? DEAD WRESTLER COUNT FOR 2010 SO HIGH THAT IT'S ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE TO TELL IF A WRESTLER HAS DIED OR IF YOU JUST IMAGINED THEY DIED BECAUSE IT WAS QUITE LIKELY, SEE: JAKE THE SNAKE, JIM NEIDHART, BRUTUS BEEFCAKE, GIANT GONZALES AND THE GOON? ROCK TO RETURN...A SUIT HE BOUGHT BECAUSE IT'S TOO SMALL FOR HIM? BIG ZEKE? PLUS HOT FULLY UNDRESSED PICS OF ALOISHA FROM JR'S(!?) PERSONAL COLLECTION AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE AND BLOG AND NUDITY CLICK HERE!

16/5/2010

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania only did eighty thousand buys worldwide (including Australia!) This is a HUGE disappointment as normally WrestleMania does at least eighty MILLION buys worldwide (including Africa!) There are SEVERAL reasons for this! One is that many people were PISSED OFF that the main event was the same two years in a row of Undertaker/Shawn and they just watched last year's match against instead of this years! Another is that 99.99% of WWE fans are YOUNG AND HIP and don't know who Bret Hart is and don't care about him getting revenger on Vince McMahon for sleeping with his wife or whatever Vince did! In fact millions of people who DID order WM are reported to have phoned their cable operator and demanded a REFUND after Bret hit Vince with the sevententh chairshot! Most cable operators refused at first but then after witnessing the twenty fourth chairshot they said "okay, you deserve a refund after that! And I deserve a bonus for watching it! If only I could scrub that match from my mind somehow!" and then started drinking heavily to forget! And the last and FINAL reason is because so many people threw WrestleMania PARTIES this year with upwards of five HUNDRED people attending which meant WWE were getting 499 LESS buys than normal for everyone of these parties! So if you watched WrestleMania by this means then YOU are PERSONALLY responsible for the low buyrate and Vince flipping out at Titan Towers when he heard that buyrate and hitting Todd Grisham in the face with a stapler! I illegally downloaded it so it's not MY fault!

If you thought last week's NXT was the last you'll see of Daniel Bryan (OR SHOULD I SAY Bryan Dragonson!?) you were DEAD WRONG!!! WWE actually has HUGE COMPLICATED plans for Bryan (OR SHOULD I SAY Brian!?) which will start this Monday on RAW live from TORONTO and here are those plans broken up into paragraphs and everything!

It will all start when The Miz and Bret Hart (in pink and black jean shorts!) are about to lock-up for the first time in their US title match! Bryan will run out through the crowd and give Miz a big dropkick and then grab the mic and say "Is this thing on? Good! I have something to say! For the last six months I have been FORCED to wrestle on NXT and use the FAKE name Daniel Bryan! I'm not going to take it anymore! I might have lost ten matches in a row on NXT, but that was only because THE BOOKERMEN told me too! That's right, those matches were FIXED! Every last one of them was FAKE and you wasted your time watching them! But from now on, everything I do will be real...DAMN REAL....starting with making Michael Cole tap out like a whore!" And he runs over and puts Michael Cole in a SHOOT armbar on the announcer table!

While everyone is distracted with this, The Miz breaks a steel chair over Bret Hart's head and gets the pin! Then Bryan looks upset and says "NOOOO!" like Darth Vader and runs into the ring and says "Bret, are you alright?" And Bret says "Yes, kid." Then Bryan says "WELL WE CAN'T HAVE THAT!" and KICKS Bret right int he head! THen he stomps on Bret's head TWENTY SEVEN TIMES to indicate that he will main event WrestleMania 27! Then Miz comes in laughed and gives Bret the Skull Crushing Finale onto a chair and says "Haha, it was a set up all along! I cut the Hart Dynasty's brakes and they all died in a car crash and now thanks to MY Hitman Daniel Bryan I have killed the Hitman too! Tell them, Dan!" And Bryan says "that's right, I'm still Daniel Bryan and I learned a lot from The Miz on NXT! Like how to kick an old man's head in! I HATE YOU STINKING FANS. I'M NOT REALLY A VEGAN!" Then he grabs Miz and kisses him full on on the lips. "AND I'M A HOMOSEXUAL!" ANd Miz looks a bit confused. This is the start of Bryan's new LOOSE CANON gimmick which will be highly original and turn the ratins around!

But then the whole thing is ruined when Buzz Aldrin comes out to the ring and says "that wasn't very nice, Bryan!" and gives him a clothesline and a MOONsault (because he's been to the moon!) from the top rope!

(Don't worry, a STUNT Bret Hart will be used for this angle! THe real Bret will be watching at home in Calgary shaking his fist at the tv! The real Buzz Aldrin WILL perform the moonsault because he learned how to be super agile on the moon in MOON GRAVITY.)

WWE currently has tentative plans for Underatker to totally destroy Jack Swagger and beat him for the title at Summerslam then injure his knee eight days later and lose the title back to swagger in a ten on one handciap match when all ten opponents piled up on him with Swagger is on the top of the pile then to defeat Swagger in a three minute long non title match a week later and take six months off for surgery!

Matt Hardy has asked his fans over Twitter to chant "WE WANT MATT!" during Drew McIntyre's matches with Kofi Kingston because he's deeply insecure and fears he'll be fired if management realizes that Kofi is superior to him in every way! Don't worry, Anti Matt fans on Twitter have countered by arranging to have people with signs reading "They're only chanting "WE WANT MATT!" because Matt Hardy is deeply inseucre and fears he'll be fired if management realizes Kofi Kingstone is superior to him in every way" at all house shows!

When Michelle McCool said "oww, my butt hurts!" on Smackdown two weeks ago that was an accidental SHOOT comment as she really DID hurt her butt! Management then gave Michelle into TROUBLE backstage as you can't say "butt" on PG WWE! She should have said "my buns" instead! Undertaker then beat the shit out of management.

CM Punk has HEAT with management for not shaving his chest hair! However Punk pointed out that Cena doesnt' shave HIS chest hair either! When management said "hold on, Cena doesn't have chest hair!" Punk said "exactly, because he's not as much as a man as me!" But then it turned out that this report was just made up by newz sites with space to fill which explains it making no sense!

ConGRADulations to my girl Layla El for finally winning teh woman's title! Ever since I frist masturwanked over Layla when she rightly won the Diva Search WAY BACK in 2006 I knew one day she'd win the Woman's title and I'd masturwank to the fact that she had won the woman's title! Layla will now be turned FACE when Michelle McCool makes a racist remark (about English people)! She will then come out to the ring like Goldberg with the fans chanting "LAY-LA" except it won't be piped in like with Goldberg because everyone loves Layla! Melina will replace Layal in Team LayCool (Team MelCool!) because she's a shoot bitch!

TNA has moved back to Monday because the fans DEMANDED it (by watching RAW instead!) In order to turnt he ratings around TNA will have some variaton of RVD versus Jeff Hardy every week, doing the exact same spots as their Invasion 2001 match in a slightly different order! Also they are planning to sign up Piggie James and have her run out during a Beautiful People segment and say "WOMEN ARE BEAUTIFUL JUST THEY WAY THEY IS!" and eat a whole choclate cake while Tazz says "if you can fit that whole thing in her mouth I wonder what else she can fit in there, Cole!" Then she loses clean to Lacey Von Erich in a "panties on a poll" match the next week and quits the company because she's only being paid five dollars a show.

Over The Edge is coming soon! The original plan was to have a whole pay per view of nothing but scaffold matches where the only way to win was to throw your oppoennt "over the edge" but John Cena is scared of heights and they had to change it!

Cena versus Batista in a "you quit" match will be the main event and the WWE is teaching Cena how to SHOOT in case Batista breaks from the script which he probably will, the maniac! As all of you must surely know, Batista has been receiving big money offers to go to Hollywood and star with George Clooney in a new buddy cop movie where one of the cops is a giant (Clooney, using CGI!) and the other a midget (Batista using CGI!) and will quit the WWE TEN SECONDS after Over The Edge! Batista has been acting erratic at house shows lately, coming out during Diva matches and taking notes, but then at the end saying "ah who am I kidding, I'm Batista,I've already had boht of you!" and doing a crotch chop! However my sources CLOSE to Batista (Rosa Mendes) reveal that at Over The Edge he is planning on grabbing the microphone right away and saying "I QUIT...to go to Hollywood and star in a romantic comedy with Natalie Portman where she falls in love with an alien!" and running away! So Cena will have to fill up the last half hour of the pay per view with poop jokes and body popping!

The other big title match will see Jack Swagger defend against the Big Show and ifyou think the only credible way for Swagger to beat Big Show is to hit him over the head with toolbox, pin him with his feet on the ropes for a two count, say "screw this!" and try to run away but Show catches him but Swagger gives him a low blow and rolls back into the ring with one second to spare and Show is counted out..then you must be booking for the WWE!

TNA also has a ppv at some point in time (maybe tonight!) I think! If you want a preview and spoilers, just randomly combine these words to form a sentence: "RVD" "Jeff Jarrett" "Kurt Angle" "Abyss" "Lacey Von Erich" "Beat" "Lost to" "Double countout" "Double pinfall" "Double referee stoppage" "Double heel turn on own tag partner even though it cost them the tag title" "Run in by the debuting SID!?" "Lacey Von Erich visible nip slip" "Samoa Joe's fat ass" "Sting" "Jeff Hardy" "Mister Anderson and his annoying gurning face" "Eric Young does something retarded" "Cage match" "Electric Cage match" "Shark Cage Match" "108 minute Iron Man push the button Lost tribute match" "Dixie isn't even that hot".

REAL NAME FILE

JTG = Jerry Tolkien Gatorade

Shad = Viscera Junior (he's Vis's son!)

Luke Gallows = Festus Gallows

Justin Gabriel = Gabin Justriel

Drew McIntyre = Drew MacMcIntyre (he's scottish!)

Layla El = Layla Bloodpudding (she's English!)

Eric Bischoff = Erica Bischoff (his parents thought he was a girl!)

Back some day with less Hot Newz!

RORY FROM THE HIGHLANDERS ARRESTED FOR TRYING TO GET INTO THE RING ON AN INDY SHOW HE WAS BOOKED TO COMPETE ON? TRISH STRATUS CONSDERING COMEBACK TO WRESTLE LAYLA TO FIND OUT WHO THE ULTIMATE DIVA OF ALL TIME IS, OH PLEASE TRISH MAKE IT HAPPEN? GOLDBERG TO BE PAID TWENTY FIVE MILLION DOLLARS TO END UNDERTAKER'S STREAK IN NINTEY SECONDS AT WRESTLEMANIA THEN SAY "I DID IT FOR THE KIDS WHO LOOK UP TO ME!" AND HUG SOME KIDS WHO LOOK UP TO HIM? FINAL EPISODE OF LOST TO BE A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT, I MEAN WHAT THE HELL WAS "ABOVE THE SEA" ALL ABOUT, A GLOWING CAVE, REALLY, THAT'S THE BIG SECRET, A GLOWING FUCKING CAVE AND WHY DIDN'T THEY GIVE THE MAN IN BLACK'S NAME, I HATE IT WHEN TV SHOWS DO THAT? BATISTA TO STAR IN SCORPION KING PREQUEL PREQUEL PREQUEL? AND HOT NAKED PICS OF SUNNY FROM 1998 WHEN SHE MANAGED LOD AND WAS NAKED ON A HOUSE SHOW BECAUSE HAWK BURNED ALL HER CLOTHES AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE AND BLOG CLICK HERE!!

10/04/08 - WrestleMania review!

OMG I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania 24 happened at some poin tin the not too distant past! I know you've all been waiting with baited (lol) breathe for my WrestleMania review so WITHOUT FURTHER APU let's get to it!

But first here's some hot newz! The big newz is STILL that Jeff Hardy took drugs, tested positive for drugs, then his house caught on fire and tested positive for BURNING DOWN! This is, of course, not funny at all and is in fact rather tragic so shame on you if you laughed! What IS funny though is remembering when Jeff was suspended for eating lots of drugs last year but he said on the Peroxxiluchagoreswhygen69 blog that he was really taking a month off for a "back injury" and all the fan girls believed him! LOL, how stupid do they look now (pretty stupid! And no doubt fat!)

Speaking of drugs, Mike Knox had some in a shoebox in his house and he forgot about them when he moved out and the new owners found them and took them and had a bad trip and now they're taking legal action against Knox! Maybe he should get Clarence Mason to represent him!

Cryme Tyme are BACK in the WWE! Cryme Tyme were fired a year ago for stealing Cade and Murdoch's cowboy boots and underwear and selling them on eBay, but WWE feels they have learned their lesson in the last year (which they've spent posting updates on myspace rather than trying to actually improve their wrestling) and gave them another shot. I'm so glad they're back! Maybe they'll dehumanize another Diva like they did with Lita!

Speaking of CRYME, Test has been arrested (or should I say aTESTed?) for speeding! When the officer pulled Test over, Test claimed that he had to "drive real fast" because "I have so many wrestling bookings to get to, I'm in such demand!" That's when the officer knew for sure that he was lying!

As you all know from having to watch that boring ceremony on RAW a few weeks ago (YAWN! Who the hell is Greg Valentine anyway!?) Ric Flair has FINALLY retired! Flair has promised to never EEEEEEEVER wrestle agayne...but that doesn't mean he can't compete in a worked MMA fight with Mick Foley later this year! Whooo!

In TNA newz, Jeff Jarrett has decided to ruin the career of Highlander Robbie! Robbie was invited and PAID fifty thousand bizzucks to sit in a crowd at a TNA show in disguise (he didn't wear a kilt!) looking bored a few weeks ago and TNA showed him on tv! Vince McMahon, after asking who the hell Robbie is anyway, was NOT happy about this and sent Robbie home (to Scotland!) Jarrett's theory is that if he can start ruining careers right at the very bottom of the WWE (he's Robbie!) then he can start a chain reaction that will take down the entire company! It's a good theory and let's see if it pays off!

And now at all it is time for my review of WrestleMania 24, the twenty fourth WrestleMania of all time! The show took place in a special OUTSIDE ARENA which had the roof torn off and it was quite the spectacle...shame all the crowd heat went right out of the open roof too though! The show started with a special performace of America the Brave or whatever (I was getting snacks) by John Legend! How arrogant to call yourself "Legend"! I hate that guy! Then it was time for the first match, a special Ballfast Hardcore match!

Finlay versus JBL - This was probably the worst hardcore match since Bob Holly versus Mideon in 1999! They hit each other with cookie sheets (wy are they under wrestling rings anyway? Do the midgets who live under there eat a lot of cookies?) and trashcans and trashcan lids and cookie sheet lids for 15 boring minutes. The only good bit was when that bully JBL threw a trashcan at Hornswoggle with NO WARNING in a legit shoot like he did to the Blue Meanie and nearly killed him! JBL won with a clothesline (in a hardcore match!? Maybe if he had wrapped his arm in barbwire or broken glass or acid or something before hitting the clothesline I would have been impressed!) because even though he's fat and he sucks at least he's friends with the boss whereas Finlay's only friend is Dave Taylor! **3/4

Backstage, Kim Cardassian (who is one fineassho! But herbest feature is her ASS and they didn't show it ONCE all night, probably out of fear of making the viewers realize that none of the Divas have an ass of comparable hotness, not even Mickie James! Yes, that was probably why) interviewed Kennedy and he shouted his name at her in a shocking display of originality.

Money in the bank - This was okay but on the other hand it SUCKED and was the worst money in the bank match in the long history of money in the bank matches! Sure, Shelton took a stupid twenty foot bump thorugh a ladder but it was probably a FAKE LADDER (I slammed by buddy D-Pizzle on a ladder and it didn't snap like that!) and they also messed up literally a MILLIONS spots! In the end, CM Punk won (WTF!?) after tying Jericho upside down to a ladder by his bootlaces and after Matt Hardy ran in and gave MVP a swanton off the ladder. Maybe Punk will challenge Randy Orton for the title and go to a one hour draw after he holds Punk in a chinlock for 40 minutes, like he did against Samoan Joe (the other 20 minutes are Orton holding Punk in a chinlock!)! ****

Batista versus Umanga - OMFG this sucked harder than Ashley at contract negotiations and it was all because of Batista! You could tell Umanga was pissed off and wanted to have a better match, but "Big Dave" (as he likes to be known) kept shaking his head and saying "nah, just put me in a nervehold for another five minutes instead!" It was the worst match Umanga has been in since he was Samu in the Headshrinkers! Dave won with the Batista bomb but he coldn't even pick Umanga up at all so it looked gayer than Michael Cole at contract negotiations! 1/2DUD

Chavo versus Kane - LOL! ****

FUN FACT: The voice saying "ooooh, Chavo!" in Chavo's entrance music is Vickie Guerrero!

Ric Flair versus Shawn Michaels - Whooo! Flair's robe was stupid and looked like he had it on backwards. Whooo! The match sucked! Flair didn't even do any of his old moves he use to do in the seventies like dropkicks and frankensteiners and powerbombs! And Shawn BUST HIS RIBS OPEN by moonsaulting straight into a table! D'oh! If you ask me (and, by reading this, you effectively ARE asking me!) Shawn INTENTIONALLY injured his ribs ON PURPOSE so that there would be an EXCUSE for the match sucking other than the REAL reason why it did: because Flair is older than dirt! He's older than the dirt Adam wiped off his feet when he was kicked out of the Garden of Edam! He's so old he remembers when Jerry Lawler was actually a heel announcer! Having said, he still throws a good chop and Shawn cried a bit so it was okay but still a MASSIVE disappointment and remember: if Flair's such a great guy how come he sucker punched Mick Foley when Foley asked him to sign his book!? Also, they didn't play "Custom Made" as Flair walked to the back after the match. ***

Maria and Ashley versus Melina and Bethany Phoenix in BUNNYMANIA! - Oh oh, oh oh, it's Bunnymania, time to masturwank, PUMP IT UP, PUMP IT UP, PUMP IT UP! Remember athat song? I changed the words SLIGHTLY. Anyway, this sucked of course and the only reason they put a diva's match on WrestleMania every year is so that Vince has time for a bathroom break backstage! The only good thing about this was my man Snoop DAWG of course and Mickie James in a HOT dress looking HOT and dancing as if to say "I'm hot and I should be in this match! And Playboy! And Hot Newz's bed!" That's what she was saying! Even Snoop looked at her and said "mmm, I like that! More than Ashley!" which proves she's hot because who knows more about hotness than Snoop? NOBODY! Anyway Beth won with the Awesome Bomb because she wants to be Awesome Kong but she NEVER WILL BE and then afterwards Snoop gave Santino a STIFF clothesline! This made me happy because I HATE Santina and I hope Snoops knizzocked him izzout!

(I don't REALLY hate Santino, I think he's GRATE, but he's so popular on the internet now that there WILL be a backlash against him soon, mark my wise words, so I'm just getting on the bandwagon early. LOL, Santino sucks, he can't wrestle, all he does is speak in a stupid voice and say stupid things, that SUCKS, anyone could do that, even TAZZ could probably do that if he applied himself, I hope Santino is FIRED and goes to TNA FOREVER the looser!)

Randy Orton versus John Cena versus Triple H - WTF? This was all BACKWARDS. First of all Cena came out to a marching band(!??!?!) which was gayer than gay sex with a gay man, and HHH didn't even have Radiohead playing his theme like he does every year which was a HYOOGE disapointment and finally the match only lasted about five minutes! Orton spent most of it lying down holding his leg saying "oww, my leg hurts!" leaving HHH and Cena to do all the work (which wasn't pretty, naturally!) until right at the end he just ran up, kicked Triple H in the face, won the match and ran away! Which was pretty funny actually and saved the match from DUD! ****1/2

Big Show versus "Prettyboy" Floyd the "the money!!" the Maryweather - OMG! Just when I thought this show couldn't get any worse, along comes this steaming turd of worseness to bring it to new levels of worser! For a first of all, this should have been a SHOOT BOXING MATCH rather than a fake wrestling match! That way, Big Show would have squashed Floyd like a little bug! But I guess Floyd was too CHICKEN to take on Show for real and his manager handpicks his opponents to protect him like Mickey did for Rocky in Rocky 3! I did think that MAYBE it was a shoot for the first few minutes, even though Maryweather didn't lie on his back like a crab like George Foreman did in his famous match with Andre the Giant, but I knew it wasn't as soon as Show hit a sideslam. Also Floyd should have taken a few chairshots to the head to pay his dues rather than just dish them out! They should have tried to get Hulk Hogan or The Rock to run in and leg drop or rock bottom Floyd then pose for ten minutes, that would have been much better. ***

Edge versus Undertaker - It was up to Undertaker to SAVE THE SHOW like he's done every year ever since he beat Jimmy Snuka in a 30 minute, blood-filled, five star classic at WrestleMania 7! Could he do it again here tonight? Sort of! Edge is good at promos and kissing, but his moves are so weak that they look like they couldn't even crack eggs! Not hard boilded eggs, soft, girly eggs! He did about twenty spears which exposed that the spear DON'T HURT. I speared my cat yesterday because she was about to catch and a mouse and she was fine and scractched me in the face then ate the mouse anyway! But otherwise it was good EXCEPT FOR the fact that Undertaker won with the Googleplex (known as "there's that submission hold!" by Michael Cole) rather than the tombstone! It is a tradition for Taker to win at WrestleMania using the tombstone going way back twenty years to the forementioned classic with Jimmy Snuka which ended when he tombstoned Snuka through the announce table right in front of Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan! It was DISGUSTFUL that he used that piece of SHIT the googlesearch to win here! He only started using the goozlepaloza two months ago by accident when he tried to put Big Daddy V in a triangle choke but his foot got stuck under a roll of fat on V's neck! He should have AT LEAST choked Edge out with the Goemonplaza and THEN given his unconscious body a tombstone! So for that reason alone I must deduct a FULL quarter star from the rating. ****3/4

It was better than the WrestleMania headlined by Cena/HHH but not as good as the WrestleMania headlined by Cena/HBK.

Well, just as soon as one WWE ppv is finishd another one comes along forcing you to watch it, so here is my preview of Backlash!

Miz and Morrison versus Jesus and Festus for da tag championships titles - Festus will be kicking some asses and about to win when SUDDENLY Jesse turns heel on him because he's jealous of Festus's push and hits him with a BELL and the combination of the blow to the head and the ringing sends Festus into a coma and when he wakes up in six weeks he's an effiminate homosexual character who wrestles in a lace dress and Jesse is in TNA as Jess-A!

MVP versus Matt Hardy for the United States US title - After their, let's be honest, BORING AS BACKLUND, non-title match on Smackdown last week, there will be a special rule put in place by Vickie Guerrero for this match which states that neither man can work on the other's legs! So at least we'll be spared five minute leglocks. Instead, MVP will win with an armlock after 20 minutes of working on the arm, but Matt's foot will be on the bottom rope so Vickie will drive out in her wheelchair and say "the only way to settle this feud is in a LADDER MATCH...at the next ppv!" then drive away again!

Big Show vesrus Great Khali in a "bodyslam challenge" - the winner is teh first giant to bodyslam the other! This is the first in a best of three series between them! Big Show will win this match, Khali will win the second which will be a Sumo match (Show sucks at sumo, he couldnt even beat Akebono!) and Show will win the final which will be a TUG OF WAR match!

Kane versus Chavo for teh ECW title for the world- This one will go TWICE AS LONG as their WrestleMania classic to give Chavo more offence and could well be the best ECW title match since the title was revived in 2006, OR INDEED, ever!

Shawn Michaels verus Batistia - Batista will come out wearing a leather jacket with the arms cut off and driving a monster truck to show his mean new attitude! And Shawn debuts his new EMO HAIRCUT which has been specially designed to hide his baldspot! ANyway, Batista wins after a MYSTERIOUS MASKED MAN runs in and puts Shawn in a figure four and you hear his leg snap and who is that masked man? It's Bret Hart, if they can sign him, if not, it's Paul Burchill for some reason!

Undertaker versus Edge - Since Edge got to look good at WrestleMania, this time he gets to look bad and Taker just totally throws him around and threw tables and shit and double chokeslams both Edgeheads and wheels Vickie off the top of the stage and wins clean but then MARK HENRY comes out with a frying pan and hits Taker with it then bends the frying pan around his arm and says "that's your spine Taker, that's what I'm going to do to your spine!" then just walks away.

Randy Orton versus JBL versus John Cena versus Triple HHH - Word is that a MAJOR angle will go down during this match, so SECRET and WORLD-CHANGING that not even I, Hot Newz, know about it, but it could possibly involve VINCE MCMAHON, A SWORD, BUCKETS OF BLOOD and JR FAKING A HEART ATTACK! Either that or Orton wins by pinning JBL.

Should be a great show!

Speaking of PPVs, TNA has a show coming up soon where every match will be a STEEL CAGE match!!!!!1 Okay, that's enough about that.

Now as an extra special gift for my loyal readers, some wrestling related knock-knock jokes!

"Knock Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Rey"

"Rey who?"

"Rey who's that jumping off the sky R E Y, Misterio, here we go!"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Who"

"Who Who?"

"Who the short lived gimmick used by Jim Neidhart in the mid nineties!"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Mike"

"Mike Who?"

"Mike Knox"

"I know you knock, but who are you!?"

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Jeff"

"Jeff who?"

"I was hoping you could tell me, I'm too wasted to remember my surname!"

And now for this month's interview with Jeff Hardy. Wrestlnig journalists all over the world have been wanting to interview Jeff ever since he tested positive for FUN PILLZ and was suspended, but as usual old Hot Newz has the exclusive scizzoop!!!! I managed to get Jeff's phone number from a secret source (Shannon Moore) so I gave him a call! And here is the transcript!

Me: Hello, Jeffy Hardy!

Matt Hardy: Umm, this is...

Me: I'm glad I'm talking to you and not your boring brother Matt! Where is he, anyway? Away working on MVP's leg?

Matt: This is Matt.

Me: Oh. Great.

Matt: Who is this?

Me: It's the number one wrestling journalist of ALL time!

Matt: CRZ? But he retired years ago! After Thanksgiving, MAYBE! Yeah right!

Me: No! It's Hot Newz!

Matt: ...that's your name?

Me: Yizzep!

Matt: Oh wait...I remember you...you're that dick who interviewed me after my relationship with Lita went sour...

Me: The only thing sour was the taste of Edge's jizzaculate in her mouth!

Matt: You're a horrible, hafe-filled little boy...

Me: I'm taller than you! Well, no...but I'm sexier!

Matt: Get off the line.

Me: I've changed in the last three years! Just like you've changed lovers, from Lita to Ashley!

Matt: I'm not going out with Ashley anymore.

Me: Even SHE dumped you? But she's so ugly! You couldn't even keep her!?

Matt: Go away!

Me: Why don't you hang up?

Matt: ...well, this is going on a website, isn't it? Fangirls will read this and email me as a result?

Me: Yep!

Matt: So I may as well talk. Even though I hate you.

Me: Loser!

Matt: I'm a loser? Maybe so. But a certain couple I know, one male, one female, one who wears a hat, the other who owns a cat, are losing a lot more than they bargained for, after going swimming in depths which were deeper than they first appeared and may contain sharks and man-eating tigers. I don't swim in depths that are too deep. I can swim in any depth, twist the fate of any shark. I can slam a tornado.

Me: That's one of your cryptic myspace posts!

Matt: Don't try to decipher it! Those who don't know can never understand!

Me: Or it doesn't actually mean anything and you're just trying to appear as mysterious?

Matt: Yes. No! Shut up!

Me: Look, I really wanted to speak to Jeff, the interesting Hardy.

Matt: He's, umm...not on this astral plane at the moment.

Me: Well can I talk to your current girlfriend, Velvet Sky, then?

Matt: She's the Hurricane's girlfriend!

Me: She left you too? OUCH!

Matt: I was never going out with her!

Me: You were never going out with her? OUCH!

Matt: Do you have any actual questions for me?

Me: What was the name of that guy Elijah Burke used to manage, who beat you easily on Smackdown one week, then got fired for sucking a few weeks later?

Matt: Umm...Sylvester Terkay?

Me: Yep, that's it, thanks! I couldn't remember his name.

Matt: And that's the only possible question you could think to ask me?

Me: Yeah. Oh yeah, one more. HOW MANY DRUGS HAS JEFF TAKEN TODAY?

Matt: You think that's funny? Do you? You haven't changed at all in the last three years. You took pleasure in my life being in ruins then, and you're taking pleasure in Jeff's misfortune now. His house burned down! He's been suspended! And you laugh at him to make yourself feel better! All I can say is that you must have a pretty pathetic life, Hot Newz.

Me: I'm sorry.

Matt: Really?

Me: SORRY YOUR BROTHER'S A...

(Matt hangs up.)

I was just going to say "a better wrestler than you!"

Back next month with more Hot Newz and some COLD newz too! And an exclusive interview with none other than HULK HOGAN, brother!

BIG DADDY V SENT HOME BECAUSE HE'S BEEN SLEEPING ON LILLIAN GARCIA'S COUCH? DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER TO APPEAR AT SUMMERSLAM, BRAH? KURT ANGLE SAYS SOMETHING REALLY STUPID IN MEDIA INTERVIEW? TAZZ DIAGNOSED WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME? PLUS HOT NAKED NEAR NUDE PICS OF KELLY KELLY "AUDITIONING" FOR PLAYBOY AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

2/4/05

OMG I'm back with more Hot Newz! and the big newz is that Wrestlemania XXIIIIV (21) is just around teh corner! And as usual just before WrestleMania there are lots of outlandeous rumors going about, but I'm here to tell you which are true and which are falsehoods! And one of the big rumors is that Bret Hart will finally return to the WWE after ten yars in exile because he'll be appearing at RVD's comic book store on that day! Brett will be signing pairs of Hitman shades that he gave out to children sitting in the front row at WWF shows in the nineties and of course the children are all grown up now so after they get them signed they can go out back and get high with RVD (he has a ladder you can climb up and look for the police. And if you don't see them, you can then smoke pot!) Will Bret show up at teh Wrestlemania afterwards? Or will he just get high with RVD and bitch about Montreal to him until RVD gives him a van daminator in anger? Read my EXCLUSIVE, EXQUISITE Wrestlemania spoilers that you don't want to miss to find out!!!!!

But first some newz: Christy's version of the Twist Of fAte has officially been named the CHRIST (pronounced like Christy without the "y", not like the name of our Lord And Saviour (no, not Benoit, Jesus! The son of the God (not Benoit's son, the son of the ACTUAL one God), not Carlito's friend!!)) Of Fate! Quite witty! Now, back to the WrestleMania spoilers that you don't want to miss!

After some more newz! Some guy called Dan Mafia or something quit wrestling forever or for a while or something when he fell out with some other guy in some promotion somewhere. Or something!

Slyvester Stallone has been paid half a million dollars to admit Hulk Hogan into the hall of fame! Everyone else is just being paid in the form of a free meal at the Hall of fame dinner!

William Regal has written his autobiography (foreword by Eugene!) but it'll only be available in England beause nobody else will be able to understand the strange, garbled, bastardised version of American English he writes in! Bloody hell chaps that's not cricket, bangers and mash lol!

Victoria is hott!

Now it's back to the WrestleMania spoilers that don't want to miss...after a special WrestleMania feeture for my peepz (not Christian's, although they're welcome too!) WrestleMania is the biggest wrestler show of the year every year but that doesnt mean that WrestleMania is always great, sometimes it sucks! However, sometimes WrestleMania also ROOLZ so let's not dwell in negativity for ever people!!!!!! I will now look at many of the WrestleMania highs and lows over da years!!!!

WM HIGH: Vince McMahon gets the idea to put on WrestleMania in a dream where all his wrestlers are singing "there's going to be Mania, WrestleMania!" to him! And that Royal Rumble commercial was actually based on this true story! Then right away Vince phoned up the head of MTV and said "Pal I want to put on a show with rock AND wrestling can we do it?" and the head of MTV said "Umm, it's 3:30 am, Vince..." and Vince said "DAMN IT PAL, CAN WE DO IT?" and the head of MTV said "Uhh, sure..." and Vince said "YES!" then turned to Linda in bed and said "We're gonna do it, we're gonna put on WrestleMania, baby!" and Linda said "It's 3:32 (it was two minutes later) in the morning!" and Vince was so excited he danced all around the room. And the head of MTV agreed to let stars like Cyndi Lopper and her then husband "Captain" Super Loud Albano appear at WM as well as Liberca, Muhammed Ali (no relation to Muhammed Hassan!) and Phil Collins! ANd WM1 is STILL the highest grossing WrestleMania ever when you adjust for inflation!

WM LOW: Plans were to book Hulk Hogan versus Andre the Giant in a face versus face steel cage match at WM2 and surely it would have been the biggest match ever BUT a few weeks before the event Vince remembered that Hogan is a face and Andre is also a face! And since they never did face versus face matches in the eighties he brings in King Kong Bundy as an EVIL bald-and-not-as-tall Andre clone...and the match sucks! And also the event took place in three different arenas all over the country which was stupid because it meant the fans in attendance had to drive for hundreds of miles between matches!

WM HIGH: Vince wants to do Hogan/Andre for shizzle this year but he doesn't know how to since their both faces and he stays up many a sleepless night trying to figure it out but nothing comes until one night Linda says "OH FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST TURN ANDRE HEEL!" and Vince realised he had married a genius! And the match itself took place in some big Silver Arena with 120,000 fans in attendance (WWF lied and said there was only 93,000 fans there becuase 120,000 would have been a fire code violation!) Right before the match Andre the Giant's doctor told him NOT to let Hogan bodyslam him because if he did Andre could DIE right there in the ring on impact! But Andre ignored the doctor becuase he knew he had to get Hogan over so he let the Hulkstre press him up high above his head for ten seconds then Hogan slammed him down hard and hit the big leg, brother, and won the match and Andre didn't die so everyone was happy. Then Andre died the next day. But the important thing is that he got the Hulkster over hyooge!

WM LOW: Roddy Piper paints his body half white, half black, the most racist act to occur on American soil in over 100 years. He should have been deported back to England for that one!

WM HIGH: Vince wants to do Hulk Hogan versus The Ultimate Warrior at teh Wreestlemania 6 but he's worried because you can't do face versus face matches in the eighties! But then Linda reminded him that it was the nineties now and Vince made love to her in gratitude and made the match! And it was the greatest match either man ever had because Patt Patterson was hiding under the ring telling them each move to do next!

WM LOW: Bret Hart and Ric Flair both blade at WM8 against orders, encouraging children in playgrounds all across the county to blade themselves in hero worship.

WM HIGH: WM10 has two five star matches: Bret Hart versus the late Owen Hart and teh first evar ladder match in wrestling history between Shawn Michaels and the late Razor Ramon! And this is the most five star matches on one show ever! (In America, in Japan there's usally six or seven five star matches per show OR YOUR MONEY BACK!)

WM LOW: Vince wants to book OJ Simpson to face Bam Bam Bigelow at WM11 but then OJ was WRONGLY arrested for murdering his wife (if the gloves fits you must quit hassling him! Or something.) and Vince had to go with Plan B: some other football player!

WM HIGH: Bret Hart and Shawn Mci9heals prove that you CAN have a one hour match and even though it sucked and was the most boring thing ever, at least they proved you can have it and we got better one hour matches later because of it like Rock/HHH and Benoit/Angle (on a house show I went to so you probably never saw it.)

WM LOW: Sid craps his pants live on ppv in his match with the Undertaker when Taker does his rope-walk at WM13 and is fired shortly afterwards. They should have fired Undertaker for scaring Sid into crapping himself with his scary agility!

WM HIGH: Shawn Michales puts over old Stone Cold 3:16 clean at WM14 and teh Attitude era is born! Before the match Shawn was whining about how he doesnt want to job but Undertaker who was taping up his fists with tape at the time heard him and said Shawn damn skippy better job! And Shawn said what are you going to do if I don't and Undertaker raised his taped fists and said he'll tie Shawn up with the tape and let the fat rings rats (female AND male!) have their way with the Sexy Boy! And Shawn gulped and did the J-O-B on the P-P-V!

WM LOW: Edge and Christian and Gangrel hang the Big Bossman from the top of the hell the cell while Micheal Cole shills about WWF being on the home shopping channel after the show! Especially in poor taste when you consider that Bossman died just five years later (but not from being hung...although he was well hung I'm sure, just ask Big Show's mom lol may he rest in peace!)

WM HIGH: GIMMICK BATTLE ROYAL HEENAN CALLS MEAN GENE "TONY" LOL~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!

WM LOW: HHH squashes jericho in three minutes to end his main event status FOREVER because he's jealous because Stephanie told him Jericho is a better kisser than HHH is probably and Lucy the Dog was never even mentioned again!

WM HIGH: Wrestlemania XX sees Trish Stratus set new standards for wank-worthy wrestling moments when she turns heel, only to be beaten by Benoit a few hours later when he makes HHH tap out!!!!!!!1

Can WrestleMania 22 live up to all that? Lets find out becuse now it's time for my exclusive WrestleManai spoilers that you don't want to miss...after some WrestelMania sign ideas!

Edge Climbed The Ladder To Lita's Bedroom!

Cena Just Won The WWE Title With A Fistdrop. A FUCKING FISTDROP!

WrestleMania: The Showcase of the IMMORAL

Undertaker: 13 WM Matches...And Not One Above **

It's Not WrestleMania Without Tito Santana!

It IS WrestleMania Without Mister T!

Did Lita Teach Christy How To CHEAT (On The Man She Loves)?

Hey Batista, It's WrestleMania, Do More Than Three Moves!

And now FINALLY and 4 REAL it's time for my exclusive WrestleMania spoilers! Here's what's going to happen on the shizzow so don't read on if you're a wuss and I'll add my own thoughts in as well so u know how I feel which is why you're all really reading anyway!

HEAT is hosting by Ivory in hot pants and she says that Stone Cold Steve Austin has NOT arrived yet! (me: OMG, where could he be!?)

And in the main event of HEAT Regal and Tajiri come out and Regal says "bloody hell, we've thrashed all the other tag teams on RAW, there's no bloody sausage mongers left to challenge us!" and Tajiri says "in-DEED!" But then a modified version of the Dudley Boyz music plays (me:!) and then Sable (me:!!) comes out in a metal bikini top (me:!!!) and thong and says "let's go boyz!" and then D-Von and Bubba Ray come out but there's different because Buh Buh's lost 75 pounds and D'Von's got an afro and they're both wearing futuristic metal outfits with helmets and even their traditional Dudley Boys glasses are metal now! And the Dudleys kick Regal and Tajir's asses then get the tables but it's a STEEL table and they give Regal the 3D on it and he blades his nose so it looks like he's got a nose bleed like he used to do all the time to add realism! And then Sable says "Are you Boyz ready for the grind?" and grinds up against D-Von and Bubba (me: what will Brock think!?) and says "this is what you get when you mix twisted steel tables and Sable appeal!" (me: good angle does this mean Brock's back too will he be aligned with the Dudleyz!?)

Wrestlemania starts with a video package narated by Slyvester Stallone! (me: good, get as much use out of the bastard as possible for that half a mill!)

Beyonce sings a highly abridged version of "oh say can you SEE!" because time is short and we want to get on with the show! (me: GOOD BOOKING!)

First match is a 30 man battle royal with everyone who doesn't have a match plus some Ring Of Honour jobbers to make up the numbers! And it comes down to Snitsky and Heidenreich because they're the two biggest guys in the match (me: makes sense!) and they stand staring at each other...and suddenly Too Cool's music plays! Then Heidenriech and Snitsky both take out shades and put them on and go into that arms crossed post Too Cool used to do right before they started dancing...then they start dancing! And they both jump over the top rope at the same crowd and start dancing with children in the crowd! And JR says "THE BY GAWD WRESTLEMANIA SPIRIT HAS OBVIOUSLY INFECTED EVEN THOSE TWO YAHOOS!" (me: two great characters flushed down the toilet in one crappy angle!)

Eddie Guerrero versus Rey Mysterio

This only lasts four minutes because we need more time for the main events and besides it's only a Smackdown match (me: yep, Triple H is booking WM again!) JR tells us that Stone Cold still hasn't arrived at the Arena. They have a scientific match until Eddie gets the slightly hard-fought victory with a top rope rana. Then after the match the police come out and put Eddie in handcuffs! Then Rey looks concerned at first but then he starts laughing and gives Eddie a 619 while he's in the cuffs! Then the police say Eddie is under arrest for drug smuggling and Rey says "hahaha, I was the one who smuggled the drugs in your car, Eddie! And I'm going to sell them for a street value of five thousand dollars, hahahaha!" then he pulls out a bag of drugs and taunts Eddie with them and says "take him away, boys!" and the police drag Eddie away while Rey takes some of the drugs and gets high! (me: WTF is this crap!? Eddie NEVER wins with a top rope rana!)

Hulk Hogan is backstage and he says he's itching for a fight, brother!

Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme

Christy is hanging with her and hits a top-rope double underhook suplex, but Trish comes back with an impaler DDT. And then Lita comes bouncing down to the ring and the King says "what's she doing out here!? Other than making jogging a spectator sport?" Then Lita gets up on the apron and starts yelling at Trish but Trish grabs her by the hair and drags her into the ring then throws Lita into the corner! But Christy gets up and tries to help Lita up, but Lita's got her back to her and thinks it's Trish and she elbows Christy right in the face! Then Trish rolls up Christy for the three! And Trish walks away laughing and Christy's angry but Lita holds her back. Then Lita spins Christy around and slaps her in the face three times and Trish runs back in and gives Christy a chick kick! Then Lita smirks evily and suddenly gets about 800% hotter! And Lita and Trish go up the aisle together than Lita falls back in Trish's arms and Trish sticks her tongue right down Lita's throat! But the cameraman is standing too close and you don't get a good look at it, sadly. (me: this is such a blatant rip-off of an angle at a previous WrestleMania - Miss Elizabeth turning on Sensational Sherri and making out with Macho Man at WM7 - but still LITA NAD TRISH MAKEING OUT OMFG JIZZEXTREME LHOLR RSJASEX!!!!!!)

Big Show versus Akebono

This is a mix of a wrestling and sumo match so they do bodyslams and dropkicks and stuff until they both go over the line at the same time and it's a draw! (me: I thought it was a shoot!?) Then Luther Reigns appears on the big screen in a monster truck out back and says "You two think you're big, well I'm bigger in my monster truck and I challenge you both to take me on in a monster truck sumo match...right now!" So Big Show and Akebono head out back and they're looking around but they can't see Luther anyway but then he comes driving at them from behind in his monster truck and Michael Cole says "that damn Luther Reigns is trying to run them over with a damn monster truck!" But then Mark Jindrak jumps into the monster truck at the last moment and hits Luther with a big left hand causing him to swerve and miss Big Show and Akebono and the monster truck crashes into a river. And Big Show and Akebono just shrug and go and get pizza. (me: sounds about right!)

JR reminds us that Stone Cold isn't here yet and it "AIN'T LIKE THE RATTESNAKE AT ALL, FOLKS!"

Muhammed Hassan and Davari come out and they are mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore! Hassan says "Ever since...9/11, we've been unable to find American woman to have sex with us!" and the fans cheer because they don't want their women sleeping with no Arabs! But then Hassan grabs a woman from the front row (me: PLANT) and throws her in the ring and says "we don't want to do this, but we have to...unless a real American man can save you. But there's none of them here tonight! And then right on cue "Real American" plays and the fans go crazy because they know this means one thing and one thing only...Patt Patterson and Gerald Briscoe are in the house (me: OMFG!) and they're going to send Hassan and Davaria back to Arabia! And they have a match and Patterson and Briscoe dominate and Patterson gets Hassan down in the corner and drops his pants and his wearing boxers with the American flag on them but also white stains like in the Hardcore Evening gown match (me: must be milk!) and he gives Hassan a stinky face for a full minute! Then the Fink gets in the ring and dance with Patterson and Briscore and Patterson grabs his ass and JR says "BY GAWD, PATTERSON MAY BE A HOMO, BUT AT LEAST HE'S AMERICAN BORN AND RAISED UNLIKE HASSAN AND DAVARI!"

Six Man Ladder Match

Everyone does crazy spots and shit and Christina gives someone a reverse DDT off the ladder like he does in every ladder match and Benoit does the headbutt off the top of the ladder and misses and Kane chokeslams someone off the ladder of course and Jericho puts someone in the walls of Jericho on top of the ladder and it looks highly contrived and JR acts like he's never seen any of this before and finally Christian is climbing up the ladder and Kane is just standing there watching and he grins and suddenly the ladder catches fire! And Christian falls off on fire and runs backstage on fire! Then Kane makes lightening strike the briefcase so it falls down and Kane is standing there ready to catch it but Shleton Benjamin (me:~!) jumps right over Kane and catches the breifcase! And JR says "THAT'S AN XFL FAIR CATCH IF EVER I SAW ONE!" (me: okay, I'm all in favor of Kane getting his magic powers back because he never should have lost them in the first place! But NOT like this with no explanation! They should show him visiting that vodoo woman Booker T knew, or Papo Shango or Paul Bearer OR SOMETHING GOD WHY DON'T THEY JUST LET ME BOOK!?_

Then Maria's tits are interviewing Shelton backstage and he opens up the briefcasue but there's just a photo of BROCK LESNAR inside! (me: yes but is he aligned with the Dudley Boyz 3000!?)

The Undertaker versus Randy Orton

They have a good, competitive, normal match which Undertaker wins with the tombstone and they actually shake hands afterwards. Then Undertaker says "I have a special announcement to make. I have decided to RETIRE from wrestling and that my last ever match will be...at WrestleMania 30!" (me: that's eleven more years, deezamn!) then he pulls a steel pipe out of his tights and hits Orton right in the shoulder and pumps his fist in the air! And then Stacy Keibler runs out and grabs the pipe and she starts working over Orton's shoulder with it too! Then Undertaker grabs Stacy and lifts her up like he's going to give her the last ride...but just holds her up there with her crotch in his face and sniffs! Then he says "RNN news update...I'm doing your girlfriend, boy!" (me: Okay, I can definately stand to watch the Underweartaker for another eleven years if he's going to be this cool!)

JR calls Stone Cold on his cell phone but he gets no answer! (me: they better not be killing him off after just bringing him back!)

Shawn Michaels versus Kurt Angle

They have a thirty minute plus class with lots of technical wrestling and big moves and stuff and during the match Marty Jannetty comes down to ringside to get a closer look! And Kurt eventually gets Shawn in the ankle lock for a few minutes but Shawn reaches the ropes! Then Kurt gets angry and removes the top turnbuckle then he puts on brass knux and hits Shawn low with them, and Shawn bounces round and his face hits the exposed turnbuckle then Angle rolls him up holding his tights AND hair AND puts his feet on the ropes but Shawn still kicks out at two! (me: they should have had Kurt win clean there!) Then Kurt is frustrated and charges at Shawn but runs right into sweet chin music and Shawn gets the three! (me: NOOOOOOOOO!) Then Marty gets into the ring and applauds Shawn then says "Shawn, there's something I've wanted to do to you for a long time..." and grabs Shawn by the hair...and kisses him right on the lips! Then Marty says "Shawn, I love you. I always have and I always will. Let me show you what a man can do. Let me be the man for you!" Then Shawn throws up all over Kurt Angle! (me: at last, a sensitive portrayal of homosexuality in wrestling!)

Now it's finally down for Piper's pit with Stone Cold but he's not here yet! So Piper stalls for time for tens minutes by talking about how he wakes up each morning wishing he was dead but then gets nice and drunk and the trouble of the world seem to disappear! Then just when he's about to give up CARLITO'S music plays (me: must be a production mistake!) and CARLITO walks out (me: but he's not scheduled to be here!) and grabs the microphon from Piper who's singing Gilbert and Sullivan scores for no reason and says "Hey yo. Looks like the rattlesnake isn't here. That's not cool. But one person who IS here is me, the TROUSER snake! That's cool!" But then suddenly the glass smashes and JR says "YES, YES, GOOD GAWD ALL MIGHTY, TELL ME THIS ISN'T A LATE APRIL FOOL'S JOKE, STONE COLD IS HERE!" and Austin comes driving down to the ring in a condom truck! And he says "Well (me: what?) looks (me: what?) like (me: what?) someone (me: what?) cut (me: what?) the (me:what?) brakes (me: what?) on (me: okay, that's enough lol) my car so I had to steal this condom truck to get here! Now who could it have been...CARLITO?" and Carlito's says "Hey man, attempted homicide? That's not cool. Apart from when I stabbed John Cena, that was cool!" and Austin laughs and says "Why don't you eat your apple, son?" and Carlito takes a bite and all his teeth crack! Then Austin says "DTA you piece of crap, I replaced your regular apple with a STEEL apple, you piece of crap!" then stuns him and throws him in the back of the condom truck! (me: lucky carlito, he can masturwank in them!) But then FROM BEHIND Roddy Piper pulls out a bottle of Scotch (me: he's scottish, good continuity!) and smashes it over the back of old Stone Cold's head! And Piper says "Just when you think you've figured out the questions, I change the answers!" and does a crotch chop then drops his kilt and he's got nothing on underneath and we go to a long shot of the arena while security cover him up. (me: this sounds good ON PAPER but let's see if they can pull it off on Sunday!)

John Brad Shaw Leyfield versus John Cena

Cena does a rap before the match (me: oh JOY. Not Gianvani, I'm being SARCASTIC.!)

Looks like it's time, I'm here at WrestleMania,

I'll send JBL back to Texas, like I sent Gangrel back to Transylvania,

What, you didn't see that match, it happened, I swear,

Men On a Mission throwback, wave your hands like you just don't care!

JBL, you were an Acolyte, a blackjack and a guy with a rope,

You fought Savio Vega in a strap match, you big goofy dope! (me: WTF kind of a line is that!?)

When I beat you, it'll be bigger than Hogan slamming Andre at WrestleMania three

If you try the clothesline from hell you'll miss, because you can't see me! (me: OMFG I didn't think it was possible but Cena's worse than Eminem!)

I'll hit the F-U, follow it with the five knuckle,

Then I'll raise the belt standing on the top turnbuckle!

Okay, so you've probably noticed that this rap sucks (me: NO SHIT!) but this is INTENTIONAL! Cena is supposed to be so nervous about the match with JBL that it's affecting his ability to rap! (me: OOOOOOOOH, great character development, I take back everything I see! Except about Cena being worse than Eminem, but I actually like Eminem lol) And JBL dominates the match because of Cena's nerves but Cena "sucks it up" and makes the comeback and pumps up his shoes and hits the F-U, then goes for the five knuckle shuffle, but his nerves hit again and he stops before dropping the first and does lots of stupid comedy hand signals for like a minute because he's trying to get his head together and while this is going on Orlando Jordan pulls out a bag with a big dollar sign on it out from under the ring and he throws silver dollars right in Cena's eyes! And JBL gets the pin! Then JBL laughs at Cena because if he hadn't of choked he could have won, but then Hulk Hogan (me:!) comes out and says "when you hurt my friends, you hurt my pride, brother!" and helps Cena who is crying now but then JBL says something to Orlando and Orlando translates and says "JBL is officially challenging Hulk Hogan to a match!" Then JBL holds Hogan and OJ gets out the silver dollars again and throws them but Hogan moves out of the way and they go right in JBL's eyes! And then Hogan hits three right hands, the big boot and the leg drop! Then he graps the belt and starts playing air guitar with it! But then the referee tells him that he forgot to actually go for a pinfall and Hogan turns around right into JBL's clothesline from hell and JBL pins him for the three! And who can stop JBL now!? (me: Great angle! And who indeed!?)

Triple H versus Batista

Triple H dominates for 20 mintues by working over Batista's leg because he's a technical marvel until Batista hits a spinebuster out of nowhere. Then Batista goes for the powerbomb but as he holds HHH up the Game gives him a thumb to the eye then hits the pedigree and gets the three! But JR says "NO, NO, SWEET JESUS NO, THAT WAS BLATANT, THAT WAS HEINOUS, THAT WAS A THUMB TO THE EYE, WRESTLEMANIA'S NOT ENDING THIS WAY, NOT ON MY WATCH, AND THEY CAN SEND ME TO HELL WHERE I'LL BURN FOR ALL ETERNITY IF IT DOES!" and he marches into the ring and tells the referee about the thumb to the eye and the ref restarts the match! Then HHH grabs JR for the pedigree but Batista gives him a clothesline then the Batista bomb and gets the three and is the new world champion! Then Batista hugs JR and JR smiles...then grabs his chest! And JR falls down clutching his chest and Batista shouts "I think he's having a heart attack! Get a medic! A MEDIC!!!!" and the show goes off and air and you don't know if JR will live or die! (me: good angle to get people to tune into RAW the next night and personally I hope he's dead because it's time for a new play by play man!)

Then six hours later when the Arena is totally empty and absolutely everyone has gone home, Bret Hart shows up! And he says "Umm, I'm here to challenge JBL? Where is everyone! Oh crap, I can't believe I'm late!" (me: you idiot Bret! He must have got high with RVD after all!)

Sounds like it could be the BIZZEST Wrestlemania ever but we'll see on Sunday! And now for this weeks interview! I have decided to interview two men who were once best friends but now hate each other and try to bring them together! That's right, I'm interviewing Matt Hardy and Edge! Obviously they wouldn't agree to talk to me if they knew the other one was talking to...so I didn't tell them!

Me: OMG, it's Matt Hardy!

Matt: Hey, what's up?

Me: Great to talk to you, I've been a big fan of yours and Team Extreme for years!

Matt: That's great. I've had a rough time over the last few months in my personal life, but I'm looking forward to talking about my wrestling career with a real fan again.

Me: Sure, we'll probably talking about that! Wait a second, I have a call on the other line, who could it be!?

Edge: Hello? Hot Newz?

Matt: Is that who I think it is!? IS THAT EDGE!?

Edge: Matt!? What the hell, did I dial Lita's number by mistake? Are you over at her place trying to get back with her again? It's over Hardy, just accpet it!

Matt: You bastard! You're nothing but feces! FECES! I'll kill you. I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!

Me: LOL, great to have you two talking again!

Edge: You set this up!? You said you wanted to interview me about my career!

Matt: I can't believe this crap! I feel ill just being involved in the same phone conversation as him!

Me: But you two were such good friends once!

Matt: I have nothing in common with doo-doo head anymore.

Me: You do have one thing in common, hot sex with Lita!

Edge: I think it's best if you don't go there...

Matt: I think it would have been best if YOU hadn't of gone there, but you did!

Edge: Four times a night, baby!

Matt: YAAAAAARGH!

Me: Is rough sex with Lita more or less gruelling that a tag team ladder match?

Matt: Oh, I'd say about the same.

Edge: I'd say more.

Matt: Figures, you always did half-ass it in those ladder matches!

Edge: I had to save my engery for other things.

Matt: And I thought I knew you.

Me: You will never know him!

Matt: Yeah, well I know he's a poop-jockey.

Edge: At least I'm not a wuss, wuss!

Me: Now that's not fair. Surely Matt didn't know Lita was a slut when he started going out with her?

Edge: Hey, don't call her that!

Matt: Don't you defend her! But yeah, don't call her that. She's not a slut. Just a cruel succubus who'll consume your very soul and and rip our your heart with her love.

Edge: Is that why you went to a dozen rock concerts with her last month?

Matt: It wasn't a dozen! It was ten. Okay, eleven. But I didn't enjoy them!

Me: LOL, this is great stuff.

Matt: Oh you find my pain funny?

Me: Yep! Hey, do you think Lita cheated on you with your brother Jeff?

Edge: Unlikely, he plays for the other team.

Me: You mean because he works for TNA?

Matt: Haven't you used that joke in a previous column?

Edge: You actaully READ this nerd's dross? Then again, I guess you don't have anything else to do at night when Lita's over at my place!

Matt: That's not true! I can read the internet, post self-pitying messages to the internet...walk my dog...well, my neighbour's dog...tons of stuff!

Me: Loser, lol!

Matt: Oh, I'm the loser?

Me: Yep, you couldn't give Lita what she needed: Edge's spear!

Edge: Hehe, good one!

Me: I know, this is so funny!

Matt: This is not a joke! This is my life! You understand me, Hot Newz? My FUCKING life! I loved Lita, and she betrayed me in the worst possible way with a man who I thought was my best friend. There's nothing funny about that. NOTHING. For God's sake, have you no compassion? No heart? Is everything just a big joke to you? Well go ahead, laugh it up! Laugh at Matt Hardy! Drive me to suicide, then laugh at that. You son of a bitch.

Me: OMG, Matt, I'm so sorry, dood, I took it so far. Sorry.

Matt: Well, that's okay, as long as you understand...

Me: ...SORRY THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S A SLUT, LOL, TEAM EXTREME ARE FUCKED-UP, YOU'RE BROTHER IS GAYER THAN PATTERSON AND HE'S MORE OF A MAN THAN YOU, LOL, LITA AND EDGE HAD SEX WHILE YOU CHATTED TO HARDYGRRL69 ON AOL INSTANT MESSENGER, ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Matt hangs up.)

Me: Was it something that I said!?

Edge: Okay, listen up chump, I'll keep talking to you as long as you leave my personal life out of it, okay?

Me: Okay! Let's talk about wrestling...is Triple H holding you down?

Edge: Of course! Not just me, but all the other heels on RAW, like Christian...

Me: Your brother! How come JR never acknowledges that you're related now?

Edge: Actually, Christian and I legally divorced each other, we're no long brothers. So JR's right for once, the stupid old fool.

Me: You divorced him, eh?

Edge: That's right...

Me: FIGURES, YOU KNOW ALL ABOUT DIVORCE LOL, TWO WIVES AND A BROTHER DOWN OMG! THAT'S THREE DIVORCES, YOU ARE THE ROSS GELLAR OF THE WWE!!!!!!!

(Edge hangs up.)

Me: Operator? Give me Lita's number!

Lita's Answering Machine: Hi, I'm out having unprotected sex with a man I don't even know, please leave a message!

(Phonecall ends.)

LOL, those two had no sense of humor! Bizzack soon with more Hot Newz, enjizzoy WrestleMania it's going to be BADASS!!!!!!!!!!!1

JEFF JARRETT TO DROP THE NWA WORLD TITLE TO THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR? EUGENE BREAKS KAYFABE AT WHOREHOUSE? VISCERA SIGNS TEN YEAR CONTACT, TO BE REPACKED AS LOVABLE HEART SURGEON CHARACTER NAMED DOCTOR VIS? MCMAHON REFUES WHEEL CHAIR, HAS TOMMY DREAMER AND LANCE STORM CARRY HIM EVERYWHERE ON A THRONE? PLUS HOT NEAR NAKED NUDE PICS OF TRISH STRATUS AND VICTORIA AT A NIGHT CLUB DANCING WITH EACH OTHER SUGGESTIVELY WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND BELLY BUTTON AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

6/3/05

LOL I am bizzack with more Hot Newz LIVE from my brain, to my keyboard, to your eyes! And the big newz this week is that FINALLY after years of online petitions Vince has agreed to make a Bret Hart DVD! And it will be a fair and balanced DVD about how Bret sucks and is better and should just get over Montreal the crybaby bastard! And there will be an interview with Bischoff where he says "Yes, finally, I will admit that, umm...okay, I'll say it! I'll admit that I was going to have Bret show up on Nitro the day after Survivor Series and piss all over the WWF belt! Literally piss all over it! And that is why Vince was one hundred percent correct in screwing Bret!" but then the camera pans back and you see Vince standing behind Bischoff with a gun pressed into his back! And they'll also show a clip of Owen Hart back when he was a heel before he died saying "I hate my stinky rotten brother Bret, he's a glory hog and he hogs glory and he should be screwed over at every opportunity, whooo!" to prove that even Bret's own family agreed with Montreal! Then they'll show the footage of Shawn Michaels putting that midget dressed as Bret in the sharpshooter from RAW and then they'll interview the actual real midget who'll reveal that Shawn's sharpshooter was the most painful hold he's ever been in and he actually passed out from the pain so Bret would have quit anyway and possibily DIED in the hold so Hebner actually rang the bell for Bret's own safety!!!!

After showing such high workrate in teh mixed tag match on Smackdown, Michelle McCool (Real name Michelle McColon!) will be moved to RAW to improve the woman's division! Good move, I say!

But the as big as those two newz itemz are (and they're HUGE make no mistake aboot it!) the REAL big newz this week is that Matt Hardy and Lita Dumas have split up! And apparenetly Matt dumped Lita's ass when he found out she was doing the sex with a co-worker! Which is a dumb move by Matt if you ask me, unless Matt has someone even hotter lined up to be his next gf! And at the moment NOBODY on the internet knows who Lita cheated with, but I can exclusively reveal that there have been rumors of Lita with...Trish(!)...and Christy Hemme(!!)...and a bucket of whipped cream(!!!) Even though these are just rumors I think it's very important that was all visualise this sceanario in our minds...:)

OMG, I just got an IM from my homie Doctor Stumpy on the Matt/Lita shituation, here's da transcript!

DrStumpy: Dood I just got some big newz from one of my sources in the locker room...but you can't tell anyone yet...

HotHotHot: OMG, is it about Matt and Lita?

DrStumpy: Yeah doodster. Okayz, promise you won't put it in your next report?

HotHotHot: I swear on Hardcore Holly's life!

DrStumpy: Kewl...right dood here it is, fasten your seat belt if you're wearing one which you're probably not since you aren't in a car...Lita was cheating with...Edge!

HotHotHot: EDGE!?

DrStumpy: Yeah bro I couldn't not belive it neither! Apparently it was Edge's wife who told Matt what was going on.

HotHotHot: You mean Val Venis' sister?

DrStumpy: No, he divorced her and got married again!

HotHotHot: OMFGOL!

DrStumpy: Just don't say anything yet okay I could get into trouble...

HotHotHot: I won't you can trust me my friend!

That was ten minutes ago and now I can EXCLUSIVELY be the first person on the internet to reveal that Lita was fooling around with sexually with Edge behind Matt Hardy's very back! And I guess what Trish said was true after all, Lita's knee might be out of commission, but her uterus is still open for business! Since this is such a deeply personal sensitive situation and I feel bad for Matt Hardy I won't say anything further...

Except I do have one question for that sleazy horse-toothed cheating Edge...how did you get to be such a mack!? I mean, first you marry Val Venis' hot (I assume, her brother is a pr0n star!) sister, THEN you cheat on her (I assume!) with your new even hotter (she must be or why would you marry her!?) second wife and THEN you cheat on her with the new hottest WWE Diva of all time (sleeping around is HOT and you know it!) Lita! You are so fucking cool! But I would like to add that I hope the fans don't treat Edge too harshly and chant "man whore" and throw used condoms and stuff. Because, even though I have no way of knowing if this it true or not, I believe that Lita probably slept with most of the locker room and Edge was just unlucky enough to be the one who was caught with her. It was probably like a game of pass the parcel with Lita as the parcel and Edge was the one holding her when the music stopped!

And one final note to the WWE DON'T fire Lita because of this! There is the opporchancity of a lifetime now to do the GREATEST ANGLE EVER when Lita returns! Since it is now known that she is a serial shoot slut, Lita should be booked as a serial kayfabe slut and be shown sleeping around with half the RAW roster (let's face it she's probably slept with them for real anyway and smoked crack in their beds afterwards!) and even move on to the girls (Trish, Christy, whipped cream!) and THEN Lita's slut army could invade Smackdown where Matt Hardy is now wrestling and it would be even better than the Invasion angle!

And FINALLY, even though I don't WANT to do this, I understand my readers will DEMAND IT if I don't, so here it is, purely in the public interest: Matt/Lita/Edge sign ideas!

Lita Cheated On This Sign!

Edge Speared Lita (With His Cock!)

Matt Fact: He Should Go Gay Like His Brother!

Lita Gave This Sign Herpes!

Val, Can I Have Your Sister's Phone Number?

Kane, Get A Divorce Quick!

Lita, Christy, Trish And A Bucket Of Whipped Cream: It Could Still Happen!

Lita Is 250-0 In Men She's Bedded!

Give Her A Second Rope Legdrop, Matt!

Matt I'm Here For You - hold this if you're a girl!

In other newz, Ted Dibaise is...ah, who cares, LITA AND EDGE, LITA AND EDGE, LITA AND EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Now it's time for this weeks WrestleMania update! Lots of GREAT matches have been added to WrestleMania in the last seven days and I can confidently say that this year's wrestlemania will be even BETTER than WM 18 (but not as good as WM 19!)

"Lefty" Mark "The Hammer" Jindrak versus Luther Reigns in a Brawl 4 All match has been added!

Big Show versus Akeebono in a Sumo match has been added! Akeebone was trained in Japan where as you all know the wrestling is ten times better than it is here so he must be good and this will be a shoot!

A six man ladder in a cage match with Jericho, Benoit, Hassan, Christian, Benjamin and Edge (with Lita in his corner!?) has been added and unlike normal ladder matches this one will be in a STEEL cage so it should be even better!

Trish Stratus versus Christy Hemme has been changed to a Lingerie Pillow Street, so expect lots of blood and lots of panty shots!

And Stone Cold will appear on a special Piper's Pit! Austin will come out smoking a big Texas cigar and Piper says "uhh buddy-boy, there's no smoking on Piper's Pit you greasy sausage!" but Austin refuses to put it out and then Piper pulls a fire extiguisher out of his kilt and spray it all over Austin! And Austin's pissed off because you don't spray a rattlesnake and he goes for the stunner but Piper pulls a coconut out of his kilt and smashes it over Austin's head! And Austin blades and Piper goes to work on the cut then puts Austin in a sleeper and JR screams "DAMN THAT BASTARD, YOU CAN'T TRUST A SCOTSMAN, HE'S TRYING TO END AUSTIN'S CAREER!" but then Hulk Hogan comes running (jogging...walking briskly) out to make the save and gives Piper three punches a big boot and a legdrop and says "this one's for Zach Gowen, brother!" but then Zach Gowen jumps out from under the ring and gives Hogan a low blow and says "you never visited me in the hospital!" Then Gowen gives Hogan a one legged legdrop and this sets up Piper and Gowen versus Austin and Hogan at Backslash!

FAN SECTION

This is a new section in Hot Newz for U, the fans of ME (Hot Newz!) And you can send in anything you like as long as it's good or ask me question or whatever the fizzuck you want! And first we have a quizzestion from The Jackhole, wat's your question dood?

Hey r u gay because last week u said u want the rock ONE ON ONE in his bed all oiled up and it disgusted me okay so either u stop beiing gay or I stop reading you understand me boy. I hat gays.

This is not what the fan section is all about! But 4 the record, not that there's anything wrong with it, I'm not gay, I was just joking around with Gail Kim who by the way I want to sex0r pretty bad! And when you said you "hat" gays I think you meant to type that you "HEART" gays becuase you're the gay one, gaywad!

And now for a list of quotes that my fan Nekrophiliac has sent in! This is a bit like what that Mister Hyatte guy does I will admit except these quotes are more rude! And I haven't bothred checking to see if they are all correct but I'm sure they are!!!!

"SHIT, FUCK, THE FUCKING SIGN JUST FELL DOWN Call the hotline for more!" - Gene Okerlund at Summerslam '90 when a sign fell down behind him

"Princess Diana looking on from the crowd...sorry, I meant Davey Boy's wife Diana. Princess Diana is dead, isn't she? No? Sorry!" - Vince McMahon, Summerslam 1992, spookily predicting Diana's death five years later

"I'll tickle you with an ostrich feather!" - Doink the Clown, year unknown

"I've had sex with a lot of men, but Shamrock ain't one of them. Wait a minute, did I just mean to say that out loud?" - Triple H at King Of The Ring '98

"I am the first Eurocontinental champion in WWF history! Except for D-Lo Brown, but he doesn't count. Because he's black." - Kurt Angle, RAW February 2000

"Triple H, you come out here and you run your mouth about how you're the best, but as far as The Rock is concerned, you're only the best at taking steroids! Everyone knows you're only the world champion because you take your big HGH nose, you lube it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways and stick it straight up Stephanie's muff! And I'm not talking about her fitness instructor Muffy who briefly appeared earlier this year!" - The Rock, RAW, late 2000

"LITA JERKING EDGE OFF - RIGHT IN FRONT OF MATT'S FACE GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY SHE HAS NO SHAME - THE LADDER!" - JR, Wrestlemania X7

"Look at that hideous, slimey, rotund, stinky, pot-marked, disgusting, homosexual boil on the ass of life that is Paul Heyman as he talks on that phone! HE MAKES ME SICK TO MY DAMN STOMACH" - JR in one of his more lucid moments, RAW September 2001

"HUUUUUUH!?" - Matt Hardy when he found out about Lita cheating on him with Edge!

Okay I made that last one up, lol! Back next week or somethign with more EXLUSIVES that you won't read elsewhere and possibily an interview with Lita!!!!!!!!112two

A-TRAIN TO WIN RING OF HONOR WORLD TITLE? MICHAEL JACKSON TO APPEAR AT WRESTLEMANIA? ROCK TO STAR IN NEW SUPER MARIO BROTHERS MOVIE AS LUIGI, VIN DIESEL AS MARIO? MAE YOUNG SENILE? PLUS HOT NEAR NAKED PICS OF LITA AND EDGE AT BAGGAGE CLAIM AT AN AIRPORT WITH VISIBLE EYE CONTACT AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!