Wrestlemania 27

I am back with more Hot Newz! And the big newz is that WrestleMania is JUST arround teh cornar! This year is ALL ABOUT The Rock who of course has amazingly returned to the WWE FULL TIME (well, he's back FULL TIME during the shows that he's actually on. The rest of the time he's still in Hollywood) to make Cena look even more shit than we all thought possible! Cena looks so bad compared to The Rock that viewers will be carving their eyes out if they have to keep watching Cena after WrestleMania! And also Triple will fight The Undertaker because niether of them have anything better to do and neither of them will even wrestle in the run up to WrestleMania because they'be both literally said that no one else is good enough to belong in the ring with them and there isn't even a proper storyline for the match, they both just come out every week and literally say "we're going to wrestle at WrestleMania AND IT WILL BE THE BIGGEST MATCH ON THE CARD!" and that's it. It will be a great show for getting new talent over!

Jeff Hardy has gone crazy on TNA ppv! Hundreds of people have been tweeting me (Follow me on twitter!) asking if this was a work, a shoot, a worked shoot, a shot work or a whoot! The truth is a mixture of all six! The original plan was a plain, straightforward everyday worked shoot written by Russo but plans changed when Jeff ate some Wooden Cheese pills and got high (I used to eat them at parties, they merked my melon up, man!) Luckily Russo got drunk (ON THE LORD!?) and posted teh original booking sheet on his facebook for 17 seconds before Dixie made him erase it (they were in bed together at the time, that's how he keeps his job!) and I manged to copy and paste it before it was gone!

"Okay you mooks, listen up, I'll say this only once. Or, more accurately, type it only once. I've come up with an angle so confusing, so illogical, that no one, probaby not even the people involved, will be able to tell if it's real or not! It starts with Jeff Hardy's music playin' for the main event and he comes out WALKING BACKWARDS! That's the first mindfuck right there. Jeff says "hey, the reason I'm walking backwards from your point of view is because time is flowing backwards for me and I just came from the future where my match with Sting has already happened and I WON so there's no reason to have this match tonight, bye!" and starts to walk away (backwards) when STING runs out to no music in street clothes (why isn't he dressed for the match? Just one of the mysteries that'll get the internet smarks talking!) and beats up Jeff with a baseball bat until he's just a bloodstain on the mat! Sting goes for the cover but the referee looks at him close and says "that's not Jeff!" and then the REAL Jeff comes out from under the ring smoking a blunt and blows smoke in Sting's eyes and he's BLINDED and Jeff hits him with a PINK baseball bat! Mike Tenay instantly says "THAT MUST HAVE BEEN SHANNON MOORE DISGUISED AS JEFF THE FIRST TIME" to explain what happened to any of the slower viewers! Jeff goes up for the Swanton but then he SLIPS and falls to the floor and the referee does an "X" right directly into the camera so that the mooks thinks it's a work, but then he does a "Y" to the camera for half a second to confuse everyone! Then Sting hops out to the floor and hurts his ankle jumping out and both men are counted out and Tenay says "WHAT WAS THAT!!!" This will really confuse those mook marks and get them talking on the internets!"

While that would have been RUSSO'S BEST ANGLE IN FOURTEEN YEARS, unfortuantely Jeff ruined it by getting high FOR REAL on Purple Waterfall pills (I ate one to impress a girl once, I ended up wearing my shoes on my hands! Still got laid!) and Sting had to SHOOT SHOOT on him with a Shoot Scropion Deathdrop (which is a real shoot MMA move in Japan where Rikodizan once beat Kenta Misawa with one in the notorious Big Egg shoot!) and a shoot pin for the win!

GLAAD (which stands for Gays and Lesbians Are A-okay, Doodz!) have stopped John Cena from saying anything homophobic! They did this be cunningly releasing a statment reading "Hmm, John Cena seems to have a problem with gay people. Could it be because HE is, in fact, SECRETLY GAY himself?!" Cena responded on Twitter by saying "damn it, now I can't make fun of gays without everyone thinking I'm gay myself WHICH I'M NOT, thanks a lot GLAAD you homos!" which he deleted eight seconds later but I saw it! Cena now only has poop based insults left in his arsenal...until some Pro Poop group goes after him that is! WWE will get revenge on GLAAD for forcing them to enter the 21st century by bringing back The Right To Censor but they'll be called Glad To Censor and wear RAINBOW TIES and their members will be Patt Pattersson, The Brooklyn Brawler, Awesmazing Kong and Evan Bourne (come on, we all suspected it)!

Finlay has been released! Finlay (68) was fired after a house show where he booked Miz to urinate on the american flag for cheap heat! In actual fact it was a CANADIAN flag just painted to look like an american flag and Miz's urine would wash the paint away revealing a canadian flag and Miz would say "haha, I made you care about Canada!" But some IDIOT bought urine proof paint and it wouldn't wash off! Unfortunately for Finlay, the entire National Guard were at this house show and were disgraced by this urinating on an apparent american flag (they would have been fine if it was canadian, of course!) and told their representative Sargent Slaughter to have Finlay deported back to Ireland to eat potatoes! He will never be seen again.

Speaking of releases, WWE plans to fire lots of jobbers and less attractive Divas after WrestleMania! This means 90 days later a new group named PAST ENDEAVOURS (it's a pun!) will invade TNA! They will consist of Tyler Rex, Chris Masters, Primo, Zach Ryder (sorry internet, he's gone!), Kurt Hawkins, Rosa Mendes, Beht Phoenix, Tyson Kid, DH Smith, That Fat Guy From NXT, That Bland Guy From NXT (which one!?) and their leader R Truth! They will DOMINATE TNA...for one week until they all start in-fighting and turning on each other! So there will be a "reverse pink slip battle royal" match where the first one to get into the ring and grab the pinkslip gets to fire everyone else (for real, since Dixie will have lost millions on Jeff Hardy's legal fees by this point!) ERIC YOUNG who was fired the week before will win, dressed as Papa Shango.

The reason why Melina doesn't have papz photographing her on the way to the ring anymore is that the magazines stopped buying the photos!

Book reviews!

Chris Jericho's Undisputed - If you read "A Lion's Tail" and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a good book, but it would be EVEN BETTER if he skipped over much of the wrestling stuff and covered some of his greatest matches in barely any detail, BUT went into an insane amount of detail about his music and failed acting career since that's what wrestling fans are really interested in and of course if he cut the book off right before his WWE comeback in 2007 even though he could have easily written about it!" then this is the book for you! Apparently Jesus help him write it, which explains what happened to Carlito's old bodyguard I suppose!

Mick Foley's Countdown To Lockdown - If you read The Hardcore Diaries and thought to yourself "Hmm, that was a pretty bad and pointless book and downright creepy in the chapters about Melina. The only way it could be worse is if Foley writes a sequel which is nothing more than a series of first draft blog posts about a TNA match everyone forgot five minutes after it happened with transcripts of TNA promos that nobody cared about at the time and will care less even less about now and no attempt at all to explain Russo's completely non-sensical booking, mixed in with some ranmbling pointless chapters about meeting famous people and getting a boner watching a woman's breasts on a tv show and worst of all a chapter about steriods that appears to end by saying "maybe steriods aren't so bad even though many heavy steriod users in wrestling have died before the age of 40, bang bang!" and no real details at all in the only potentially interesting chapter about him leaving WWE after Vince shouted down his headset" then this it the toilet paper for you!

MMMMMMGoldust by Dustin Rhunnels - Terrible! Sure he talks about his boring crack addiction (who hasn't been addicted to crack at once point in their life!) but he completely skips the real life gay sex affair he had with Marc Mero in 1998 when they both realised Terri and Sable were too good for them!

Big Vis: A Big Heart - Amazing book! Packed full of sexy stories about the many Dvias Vis slept with and the food they used during their love making! Also has many crazy tales of Mo (that guy was a loose cannon!) and Oscar (he was pretty boring, really) from Men On A Mission! Nine hundred pages long but I read it in one day it was so good, a must read for all wrestling fans!

WrestleMania is THIS Sunday! On paper it looks like a pretty average show until you remember that THE ROCK is hosting it which means it'll be THE BEST SHOW EVER even better than those WrestleManias THe Rock actually wrestled on!

Since Jerry Lawyer and Michale Cole have a match and Jim Ross is still ugly, the announcers for the show will be Josh Matthews, Booker T, Rowdy Roddy Piper and Kelly Kelly!

Randy Orton versus CM Punk - Orton just utterly destroys Punk for five minutes then says "you know what Punk, there's SOMEBODY ELSE who wants revenge on you too!" and you see his HOT FAKE WIFE driving down the aisle in the tour bus (for safety reasons she has to drive really slowly so it takes her five minutes to get there during which Punk doesn't move an inch!) Then hot wife says "you know what? I like REAL MEN!" and runs at Orton like she's going to kick him in the balls, but then she SWERVES at the last minute and punts Punk in the head! "That's why I married you, the real man Randy Orton!" she adds. Punk is then drafted to Smackdown where he turns faces and feuds with Drew McIntyre over Kelly Kelly's love! And Orton's wife wins the Diva's title the next night on RAW.

Shameus versus Daniel Bryan - Due to time restraints (need more time for Triple H and Undertaker interviews, videos, entrances!) the match only lasts four minutes and it's just Shameus beating up Bryan and Bryan cowering and covering up in the corner before he gets the fluke win with a small package! And Bryan's new gimmick is that he's a coward who can only win with small packages because Vince finally watched one of his matches and thought it was unrealistic someone so short was hitting moves like dropkicks and upppercuts! And Bryan will started wearing glases and reading books on the way to the ring to make him look more nerdier.

The CorrE versus Big Show, Kane, Santino and Koslaugh - Before the match Kofi Kingstone comes down to the ring and says "hey mon, I taught I was in dis match mon!" and everyone looks at him in disgust then Santino gives him The Cobra and knocks him out and Kofi's carried away on a stretcher while a piped in "NA NA NA GOODBYE" song plays and he's Future Endeavoured~!~! the next day! Then Big Show destroys all of the Corre without tagging in any of his partners with his new finisher THE BUTTERFLY SUPLEX then destroys all his partners too to get him ready for his big main event push that'll probably last a month!

Rey Mysterio versus Cody Rhodes - Due to time restraints (need more time for all the old people to come out and wave in slow motion for the Hall Of Fame yawnfest!) the match only lasts two minutes! And Vince has instructed Cody to ONLY use headbutts to get his gimmick over so he just headbutts every part of Rey's body until he's finally read to headbutt Rey's head, but when he does his facemask SHATTERS and it's revealed Rey is wearing a METAL MASK! Rey then exposes a knee brace with a big spike sticking out of it and hits a 619 that takes out one of Cody's eyes! Rey then spits on Cody and says "NOT SO DASHING NOW" and then gives a 619 to Dusty who is frantically checking on his son and there's blood everywhere and Rey laughs and writes "DEATH" on his chest with the blood! Rey then pushes over some kids who try to slap his hand and says "I NEVER REALLY CARED ABOUT EDDIE!" This could potentially turn him heel!

John Morrison, Trash Stratus and Snoopy versus Dolph Ziggler, Michelle McCool and Queen Layla - I know how this match SHOULD go! It SHOULD see Layla layout Michelle, Snooki and Vickie with the LayOut then take down that leather-skinned, fake-tanned, forty year old, no-implants having FAKE Trish with the Diamond Dust~!~!~!~! Then Morrison and Ziggler have a match to decide who gets to date Layla and they both collapse with exhaustion after twenty minutes and Layla says "I'll just snog with WILLIAM REGAL instead! Oh and by the way Kate Middleton your Royal Wedding is a sham because Prince William was mine before he was yours!" and does a Layla crotch chop!

Jerry "The King" Oliver versus Michael Cole - Austin will stun Jack Swagger right at the start and Swagger will roll under the ring and never be seen again! Lawler will charge at Cole and be surprised when Cole LEAPFROGS him! Lawler will charge again and once more fall victim to the LEAPFROG! Lawler will then look worried because he wasn't expecting Cole to know such technical wrestling moves! Then Grandmasta Sexay and Scotty Too Hotty come out holding hands! And GMS looks at Jerry like he's going to attack him but then they attacked Cole! And Grandmasta says "thanks for accepting our relationship and agreeing to marry us tomorrow night on RAW, pops!" (this is part of the GLAAD agreement!) Then Scotty will give Lawler THE WORM and Grandmasta says "hey, I thought I was the only one who got to see your worm in action and by that I mean your penis HAHA!" Then Lawler smiles and says "I love you, son, even if you are a fruit...cake!" which isn't in the script and will get Lawler sent to Gay Bootcamp by GLAAD right after the show! Then Rikisihi comes out and gives Cole a stinkface! Then X-Pac comes out and gives Cole a Bronco Buster! Then "here comes the money!" plays and SHANE O MAC IS BACK (he couldn't get a job anywhere else!) and he gives Cole the Van Shane-inator and says "POP POP!"! Then "I'm all grown up now and I've listened and read" plays and Stephanie comes out and gives Cole a pedigree! Then Hornswoggle comes out and gives Cole a Tadpole Splash (wearing a black armband for Finlay.) Then A MAN IN A MASK WHO LOOKS LIKE FINALY IN A MASK comes out and hits Cole with a Shillelagh! Then Stacy "The Kat" Carter comes out and gives Cole a weak stomp to the ribs! Kat then says "Sorry for cheating on you with The Dupps, Jerry!" and Jerry says "I'm surprised you remember The Dupps" and Kat says "yeah, I guess they weren't very meorable wrestlers" and Jerry says "no, I mean I'm surprised you remember sleeping with them after the thousands of DISEASED COCKS you've had inside you over the years!" and gives her a piledriver on a steel chair (strangely no one complains about this part!) because WrestleMania isn't PG! Then Booker T comes into the ring and gives Cole a Spinaroonie! Then JIM ROSS walks out but he falls going up the steps and lies in agony on the floor saying "OWW, GOSH DARN IT TO HECK, I CAN'T EVEN WALK UP STEPS NO MORE, MAYBE I AIN'T CUT OUT TO BE AN ANNOUNCER AFTER ALL!" (JR only agreed to do and say this because Vince promised that he'd give JR his job back the next night on RAW if he did. Deep down inside, JR knew that Vince was obviously lying but went ahead with it anyway in the vain hope that Vince was telling the truth!) Then finally Lawler pins Cole after a fistdrop holding a ROLL OF DIMES in his fist! But then Vince McMahon comes out and says "by the way this match was NON SANCTIONED and therefore you still haven't had a match on a WrestleMania, HAHA, PAL!" and spits on him and the GLAD TO CENSOR drag Lawler away before he can fight back! This sets up Lawler/McMahon at WM28 in his REAL first WM match!

Edge versus Roberto Del Rio - The referee is bumped by Big Brutus Clay and then Christian gets in the ring with a chair and Edge says "you know what to do!" and Christian says "yes I do....DEAR BROTHER!!!!" and hits EDGE with the chair! Then Christian laughs evily! But then Edge pops right up and gives Christian the Running Hug! Edge grabs da mike and says "you fool, I KNEW you were going to turn heel on me by hitting me with a steel chair, that's why I replaced all the steel chairs with RUBBER CHAIRS!" Then Edge hits the Running Hug on Del Rio for the win! This is because management has lost faith in DelRio for no reason and he'll spend the next six months jobbing to Sin Cara (don't worry, management will have lost faith in Sin Cara by the end of the year and he'll be teaming with Yoshi Tatus as Team Mexipan and jobbing to the UFOs (the repackages Usos who come to the ring in a flying saucer!)!)!

The Undertaker versus Triple HHH - Undertaker starts things off by hitting his WRESTLEMANIA DIVE before Undertaker can even get in the ring but using INVISIBLE WIRES (watch out for them!) so that he doesn't die! They slow things down by hitting their finisher moves ten times each and kicking out. Then Shawn Michaels comes sliding down to the ring and HHH says "did you find them?" and Shawn says "yes BUT I WANT NO PART OF THIS" and just slides back up the aisle! And then THE DX THEME plays and Road Dogg, Billy Gunn, X-Pac (again!), Chyna, DX Tori and Jim Neidhart (he was an official member!) all run out and attack The Undertaker! But Undertaker just easily fights them off because they all suck! BUT THEN the DX theme plays again and KANE comes out wearing the DX GREEN AND BLACK at last and with green pyro, just as I reported he would in 1998! Then Kane looks at The Undertaker and smiles...THEN CHOKESLAMS TRIPLE H! No one saw it coming! Then Undertaker gets teh pin and says "Kane never really tried to kill me last year, it was all a set up to screw over DX!" and does an Undertaker crotch chop (which is similar to a Layla crotch chop!?) Undertaker and Kane then date LayCool for a year until Triple H just randomly shows up on the RAW before WrestleMania 28 and says "Undertaker. Me. You. WrestleMania."

John Cena versus The Miz - Miz wins with the Skull Crushing Finale after five minutes when The Rock spits water in Cena's eyes. Seriously. That's the finish. This isn't even a joke. I'm not making it up. This is literally what will happen at WrestleMania. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Real Main Event - Then Cena says "Okay, Rock, let's do it, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, RIGHT HERE!!!!" and Rock says "JUST BRING IT, DUDE!" and Cena says "I AM BRINGING IT!" and Rock says "BUT YOU AIN'T NO SINGING IT!" then they sing "Smackdown Hotel for five minutes!" But then finally they're about to fight FOR REAL when Rikishi (again!) comes out! Rikishi says "hold on a minute, fellas! I've got a lot in common with both of you! Cena, you and I both love hip hop. And Rock, I ran over Austin for you. So there's a connection between the three of us. And that's why I'm here to tell you two not to fight! Let's just GET DOWN instead!" Then Rock and Cena looked at each other and nod and then BEAT UP RIKISHI with a simultanious People's Elbow and Five Nuffle Shuffle (he'll be dead!) Then Rock says "you know what, Cena, beating the shit out of Rikish was fun, but there's still an issue between us that can only be settled in one way...with us going ONE ON ONE...in my new movie, Spy Versus Spy, co-starring you!" then Cena says "Rock...it would be an honor!" and they pose! And Rock never wrestles again which is just as well since he's punches on RAW looked shit!

Of all the WrestleMania's this will be the 27th of them!

Back never with more Not Hewz!

LAYLA TO COUNTER THE MATRISH MOVE BY TICKLING TRISH'S CLIT? ENGLAND DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET LAYLA DEPORTED BACK TO THEIR STUPID COUNTRY BECAUSE THEY NEED HER BACK FOR TOURISM? LAYKELLY VERSUS MCMELINA NOW SET FOR WRESTLEMANIA 28? LAYLA AND BATISTA HAD SECRET CHILD WHO WILL DEBUT WITH WWE IN 2025 AS BATISTEL AND DOMINATE LIKE NEVER BEFORE? LAYLA MORE INTERESTING AND MORE TALENTED THAN ENTIRE TNA ROSTER, YES INCLUDING AJ STYLES, HE'S NOT THAT GOOD REALLY, THE SPINAL TAP NEVER EVEN HITS HIS OPPONENT? MATT HARDY HARRASSING LAYLA WITH "JOKE" TWEETS ABOUT MASTURWANKING OVER HER, LAYLA REPLIES THAT SHE PREFERS IT WHEN EDGE MASTURWANKS OVER HER? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF LAYLA FROM WHEN SHE WAS A PAGE 3 GIRL IN ENGLAND WITH VISIBLE NIPPLE SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!

WrestleMania, Daniel Bryan and more!

OMG I'm here with some hardcore NEWZITY (fooled you!) And the big newz is that I am NOT Hot Newz (that's why I didn't say "OMG I'm back"!) I am in fact HIS NEPHEW, none other than HOT NEWZ JUNIOR! I know all yoru mouths are gaping in shock like you can't believe it BUT YOU BETTA BELIEVE IT! I learned the game from my uncle Hot Newz! Hot Newz taught me everything he knows...but he didn't teach me everything *I* know!!! I know you're all wondering why Hot Newz has quit the internet forever and why I've taken his place so I'll tell you: it's because of what Michael Cole said on NXT. Every single word from Cole's mouth was the absolute TRUTH and it cut deeply into the heart of Hot Newz! My uncle realized that he's a DINOSAUR of the newz world, a relic of the past! Hot Newz is all about DIRTY SHEETS and GEOCITIES when we're in 2009 now, the world of TWITTER and WWE NXT! Hot Newz just couldn't get with the times...so he got the F out! Don't worry, I will continue to provide HOT NEWZ for you all...but it won't be the SMARKY SMARK gay Hot Newz that my gay uncle (he's gay by the way!) provided! So don't expect me to LICK the ASS of Daniel Bryan like Hot Newz would! In fact I'm going to interview Daniel Bryanoit later in this very update and ask him the HARD questions!!!

WWE has relased some SO CALLED Superstars! I say "SO CALLED" because if they were REALLY Superstars they wouldn't have been released at all. I know that's a CONTROVERSIAL thing to say and not something my uncle would ever say, but you're dealing with Hot Newz Junior now!

First to be released was The Hurricane! The reason for this was NOT becasue he got drunk and arrested like you SMARKS think, because if that was the case then Chris Jericho would have been released as well since he was in the car too and it would be unfair to release one and not the other and Vince is NEVER unfair! The REAL reason he was fired was becaue WWE finally got SICK of paying him two paychecks: one as a wrestler and one as an announcer! That's right, he was Gregory Helms as well! Bet you didn't know that! WWE got wise to this SCAM at last and fired him and are now saving DOUBLE the money!

Paul Burchill has also been released! The reason for this is very simple: he lost a loser leaves the WWE match to the Hurricane. How could the WWE keep him employed after that? They couldn't, it would ruin their integrity! His sister Kate is still under contract however becasue she's been wearing a corset on her way to the ring lately and Vicne wants to see where she's going with that!

Also released was Maria! The reason for this? WWE has gone PG and can't have a HARLOT in their employ! She's even been in Playboy with NO clothes! Tiffany has too, but since she did such a good job as General Manager of ECW she will be offered a managerment position and never appear on tv again and wear sexy business suits!

Finally released was Scott Armsstrong and I don't think I have to tell you that the reason why was becaue he accepted a BRIBE from CM Punk and WWE is no place for crooked referees! Also he was racist.

TNA has decided to COPY the WWE as usual by releasing Awesome Kong! Kong will now come to WWE on NXT as a rookie Diva (they're going to have rookie Divas on NXT after WrestleMania!) so that Matt Striker can reference "Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest" every week! And the returning LITA will be her mentor and keep trying to get Kong to do a "Litasault" then Kong finally does one and she's so proud of herself but Lita didn't see because she was sucking Kane's cock (they're back together!) and doesn't believe Kong really did it! Drama!

WWE will use the money they save from these four goons to rehire THE HIGHLANDERS (Robbie and Rory!) except they will be called the ENGLANDERS now (Sir Robert and Master Rorathorne!) and will wear BOWLER HATS in the ring and smoke pipes and kippers!

Mister Anderson sucks!

WrestleMania is JUST around the corner! I remember way back to the EARLY DAYS of Wrestlemania when Chris Jericho and HHH feuded over a dog (Stephanie McMahon!) and Brock Lesnar landed right on his head doing a 450 splash and it turned him into an ignorant homophobe who hates Canada! Can this year's Wrestlemania have any "WrestleMania moments" which match up to those classics? No, it can't! But it can try! Let's take a look at which matches have the best chance of providing a WrestleMania moment!

Batista versus Cena - The only way this can live up to the Wrestlemania standard is if Cena literally KILLS Batista with the STF (you hear his neck SNAP!) then Michale Cole says "Batista is dead, folks" and he's carried away on a stretcher and you never see him again (in real life he's retired to a farm where he breeds dogs and sheep...together!)!

Chris Jericho versus Edge - The only way this can live up to teh WrestleMania standard is if Edge hits a spear but then Jericho kicks out at one becasue Edge's spear looks like shit and woudln't really hurt anyone and Edge says "yeah, you're right!" and gives Jericho a GANSO BOMB off the apron for the countout win (but you can't win the title on countout!)

Bret Hart versus Vince McMahon - Who cares! I don't even know why they're fighting! Vince did the "ring the bell!" thing to Bret? Who cares, they do that every week! Angle got the bell rung on him on Impact a month ago and he's forgotten already! Bret needs to get over it! Also: how old is he? Sixty? Seventy? Can he even keep up with Vince (a proven hard worker for his age)? I doubt it! Take your bathroom break HERE instead of during the Diva's match!

The Undertaker versus Shawn Michaels - This is a tough one as they had a pretty good match last night but on the other hand it was FAR TOO LONG and hopefully this year will be cut down to a sensible time like ten minutes! Also it should be a CASKET MATCH really and Undertaker should tombstone Shawn right into the casket. That's never been done before!

CM Punk versus Rey Mysteris (mask versus hair) - Well OBVIOUSLY Rey's gonig to win because there's no way in HELL that he would EVER take his mask off EVER becasue it's ILLEGAL in Mexico to wrestle without a mask and Rey wrestles in Mexico part time when he's on a break from WWE so there's NO CHANCE OF EVER SEEING REY WITHOUT HIS MASK EVER so foget that! And if Punk loses his hair it won't even be bad for him because he's straight edge and that means you should shave your head! The only thing I can think of is that they shave Punk's head and reveal a DRUG tattoo on his skull! Like a COCAINE PIPE or something equally drugtastic! This would reveal that Punk is a HIPPOCRAT and I think that's what will happen!

Triple H versus SHAMEus - Finlay will run in after ten minutes of sweaty action and hit HHH with his IRISH STICK and reveal that he is SHAMEUS's dad as well! Then Hornswoggle will give HHH the Tadpole Splash as revege for the constant abuse he's suffered and the Finlay Dynasty will be born!

The Miz and The Big Show versus John Morrison and R Truth - Morrison has been DEMOTED to tag action after Vince noticed that Starship Pain looks like shit! And R Truth has been PROMOTED to appearing on WrestleMania becasue Vince is going to starting selling CDs of "WHAT'S UP!" at the shows! But everyone has already illegally downloaded that GREAT SONG anyway so it will backfire! Anyway this match will end when DANIEL BRYAN runs out with a chair and looks like he's going to hit the Miz but SWERVES and hits Morrison (in the back) then says "THE MIZ IS AWESOME!" and does a Miz Dance and Miz smiles and says "I have taught you well." Then Bryan gets a Miz haircut too!

Randy Orton versus Cody Rhodes verus Ted Debased - No chance of a WrestleMania moment here unless you count the world's first ten minute long threeway chinlock as a WrestleMania moment!

Money IN The Wank Ladder Match - I can't remember remember who is in this mathc but it's obvious that KOFI KINGSTON will do a Boom Drop off the top of one ladder through another ladder to have a WrestleMania moment but then Shelton Benjamin will attempt a senton bomb off the rafters onto the top of a ladder and end up landing CROTCH FIRST on Kane's knee by mistake and everyone will remember that instead of the Boom Drop! Also: Christian will win.

Diva Match: WWE is more PG than DISNEY now so there's no chance we'll see naked breasts popping out all over the place like in the GOOD OLD DAYS (my uncle used to masturwank to the classic Wendie Retard/Mae Young classic at WrestleMania 6 when all four tits popped out!) which means it is an INSULT to the hard-working fans to put the POOR WORKRATING Divas on a WrestleMania at all!

As you can see AND I THINK YOU'LL AGREE there is literally 100% NO CHANCE IN HELL of there being a classic WM Moment on this year's WrestleMania...but it'll still be better than every TNA show ever put together multiplied by a million!

Speaking of TNA, as you all stinking well know by now Hulk Hogan is the NEW head booker and Vince Russo is working under him (NOT sexually...I don't THINK so anyway...)! As a result there's been a CLASH OF EGOS and Hogan keeps rewriting everyone Russo writes! I managed to get my hands on a LEAKED script from an Impact from a month ago (or myabe it's from NEXT WEEK, it's impossible to tell with Impact!) which revealed the extent to which Hogan and Russo are clashing! And here it is!

Segment One

Russo: Okay, get this, let me lay this shit on ya mooks, Homicide comes down to the ring. He's literally in the ring talking! He says "JEFF HARDY! You son of a coward scaredy cat! I know you're in prison for trafficking - AND THAT'S A SHOOT BY THE WAY - but if you was any kind of a damn man at all you'd break out of your cell, murder all the guards that got in your way, steal a police car and drive over here to the Impact Zone to fight me right in the middle of this ring...in a TEXAS HOLD 'EM DEATH MATCH!" Jeff Hardy's music plays (we don't have the rights to his WWE music, of course, so play something vaguely similar and have Tazz says "NOT FOR NOTHING THAT'S JEFF HARDY'S MUSIC I'D RECOGNISE IT ANYWHERE!"...

SWERVE, it's actually Mick Foley who comes out, riding down to the ring on a stretcher for some reason (like he did in '98 which I wrote and it'll look just as cool today!) and he pulls a microphone out of his shoes because he's KOOKY and says "you know what Homicide I'm sick of your CRAP coming out here every week saying the same thing about wanting Jeff Hardy to break out of jail! And also everyone knows that I want a meeting with Hulk Hogan and everyone ALSO knows that later on this show the Hulkster's going to have a meeting with every champion in TNA so I'm going to win YOUR stinking X Division title which I don't even want just to get a meeting with Hogan, bang bang!" Foley INSTANTLY gives Homicide a pedigree (as an insider reference) and it's so quick that people on the internet will speculate that Homicide TOOK A DIVE for him! However before he can make the pin, STING (who is up in the rafters of course, logically!) drops his baseball bat and Foley catches it and the referee sees Foley holding the bat and disqualifies him! Then Tenay speculates that Sting is in CAHOOTS with someone but before he can reveal who it's TOO THE BACK!

Hogan: Brother, I love it. But I'd make some key changes. First of all, dude, Homicide should challenge Jeff to a "LATINO STREET FIGHT IN THE STREETS" since he's one of them latin dudes, brother. Second of all, brah, Foley should hit the Stunner instead of the Pedigree so that the rubes will think Cold Stone's coming to TNA. Sting should drop the bat by ACCIDENT and Tazz says "BUTTERFINGERS!!!" and this starts a storyline where Sting's lost his confidence and only finding faith in the strength of Hulkamania can help him get it back! And Foley should call me "the Great Hulk Hogan." Otherwise you've hit one out of the park, dude!

Segment Two

Russo: Ric Flair arrives in the arena with a CHINESE WOMAN on his arm but refuses to speak to Bubba Sponge! In the background, Raven is eating out of a trash can!

Hogan: Dude, you know, I know Flair and I think it should be a KOREAN WOMAN with him, brother, not no Chinese dame, dude. But good call on Raven (he's that fat guy in jean shorts, isn't he)! We're firing him soon anyway!

Russo: Maybe he could find a pink slip in the trash?

Hogan: Dude, that's tremendous! Then a garbage truck could drive up and haul him away with the rest of the garbage, brah!

Segment Three

Russo: The Beautiful People come MARCHING out to the ring and barely even pause to show their asses as they enter (but they still do pause and the director should still zoom in, let me make that clear!) then say "okay we are SICK of that SKANK Angelina Love constantly attacking our asses! We need our asses! Angelina, come out here now with a partner OR SHOULD I SAY SKANK-NER of your choosing and fight us in this ring you skank!" Then some music that sounds a bit like Lady GaGa plays and Angelina comes out with a woman dressed exactly as LADY GAGA (Tazz: "Could it be her, Cole?") and the Beautiful People run away in fear because they know they can't defeat Angelina and GaGa! Then Angelina KISSES GaGa and she pulls her wig off to reveal that it's TORRIE WILSON and she says "that's right, it's me, Torrie Wilson!" in case anyone doesn't recognize her!

Hogan: Hmm, bro, theres' a few problemos with this. I don't know who this Lady Gaggy is, first of all. I say Angelina (who's she anyway?) should come out with my daughter Brooke and says "that's right, I'm here with the boss's daughter, OR SHOULD I SAY HOT-AUGHTER!" Then Brooke throws Angelica off the stage and says "my only loyality is to my big buff daddy, sistah!" Then them two girls in the ring should run like fun, brother!

Segment Four

Russo: THE POPE comes out to the ring but before he can talk he's interrupted by Orlando Jordan and Kipp Jammes (rehire him if he's fired!) Kipp says "I've finally found a MAN who is MAN enough to be the MAN for me and that is Orlando!" and then they act like they're about to KISS but at the last second SO CAL VAL holds a piece of paper up between their lips so that they don't actually make contact and it's ambiguous as to if they're gay or not! Then the Pope's about to attack them but before he can, RHYNO has run out through da crowd and he GORES the Pope and says "you want a title shot, I WANT A TITLE SHOT, FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW IN A TITLE SHOT MATCH!, I'M NOT A WAR MACHINE BECAUSE THE WWE HOLD THE COPYRIGHT TO THAT PHRASE, I AM NOW A WAR ROBOT!" and makes robot noises! Then he picks up Pope and Pope ROLLS HIM UP and So Cal Val counts the three and Pope's got a title shot by beating Rhyno!!

Hogan: Dude, you lost me at the gay. I ain't no homophobe, brah, I even shook hands with the Brookyln Brawler one time, but you got to remember we've got children watching and kids shouldn't find out homosexuality exists until they turn eighteen. That's how I'm rasing Brooke and Nasty Nick and they've turned out to be great kids. Maybe Orlando and Kipp could kiss some SEXY TWINS (female twins)? There has to be some sexy twins we can hire! But I'm fine with Rhyno and Pope doing their stuff, it's all meaningless anyway!

Segment Five

Russo: Scott Hall and X-Pac come out and say "hey yo, DIESEL ENGINE, we be here, but it don't look like you got no tag partner or nothing, ha ha ha!" Then Nash says "that's where you're wrong, here is my partner!" and out comes BIG SID (his offcial name!) Sid is wearing tights which say "HALF A BRAIN" on them which is a SUBTLE reference only internet fans will get...so have Tenay and Tazz draw attention to it and keep laughing all throughout the match. Nash and Sid hit STEREO POWERBOMBS through TABLES and finally Nash has revenge on The Band! However afterwards Big Sid grabs the mike and says "REMEMBER OUR AGREEMENT! WE WILL NOW HAVE A CONTEST TO SEE WHO THE REAL KING OF POWERBOMBS IS!" and Nash says "Umm, sure, big man. Hey, look over there!" and points at So Cal Val and while Big Sid is distracted Nash gives him a LOW BLOW (but not a powerbomb, obviously neither of these men are ever going to take that bump so this feud will have no payoff)

Hogan: Umm, I never actually pinned Sid at WrestleMania 8, did I? In fact that nasty Mumbo Jumbo Vodoo Man Papa Shango messed up the timing and Big Sid even got to kick out of my legdrop! So this is a good idea bringing Big Sid in, because it means I can have a match with him (maye this week if there's time!) and pin him with the legdrop. Except I can't actually do the legdrop anymore. So brass knux then. Dude! Uhh, anyway, the match is fine. Can we just get onto a segment which has me in it, please?

Segment Six

Russo: Okay, let's pop a rating with this one, HULK HOGAN comes marching out to the ring and says "I know this isn't scheduled yet, but I could wait no longer, brothers! I'm calling out EVERY champion in TNA for a sepcial meeting in this ring to discuss the future of TNA right now!" Instead of the champions, JEFF JARRETT comes marching out in STREET CLOTHES and says "Hogan, I can't stand listening to you no more! You think you know what's best for TNA? I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR TNA. I put the T in TNA! And the N! And the A! And ain't I GREAT?" Then he pulls a GUITAR out of his tights and threatens Hogan with it! Hogan says "take a swing, brother, I'll just Hulk Up and give you three punches, a big boot and a brass knux shot, brother!" Jarrett swings but at the last second BRUTUS BEEFCAKE jumps in the path of the guitar and takes it right in the head! Then Hogan cradles Beefcake in his arms and cries "no, NOOOO, not the Beefster, he was my best friend!" Beefcake in his DYING MOMENTS (of course he's not really dying, it's just acting!) hands Hogan a pair of SCISSORS and Hogan starts Hulking Up and says "Jeff, I challenge you to a HAIR VERSUS HAIR MATCH!!!"

Hogan: You know, I don't think it necessarily needs to be acting.

Russo: What?

Hogan: When Beefcake takes the guitar. I think he'd be willing to die for real!

Russo: Umm...we just use fake guitars.

Hogan: Fake guitars, that's bullshit, brah! The fans don't want to see no fake guitars or six sided rings or Curry Man or any of that crap! They want REAL guitars! Look, Beefcake's probably suicidal anyway, you would be too if you had his life. This will show that he's willing to die for Hulkamania!

Russo: Uhh...okay...

Hogan: Then it's settled! Also, Jeff Jarrett should be wearing purple which everyone knows is the colour of EVIL to show that he's EVIL and I'm good. And he should say "these stinking fans!" randomly when he's talking.

Segment Seven

Russo: Mister Anderson comes out to the ring with the American flag on a poll and says "Kurt Angle! Let's settle this once and for all in a capture the flag match!" And Kurt Angle comes out and says "it ain't not gonna by that easy for you or nothing! If you win this match I will EAT the american flag LIVE on tv! But If I win the match...I get to roll you up in the flag and throw you off a bridge!" Then Anderson looks around and says "IT'S ON LIKE TAMPONS" and smashes his microphone into Kurt's eye and the microphone EXPLODES and Kurt blades and Tazz says "oh no, he's blind!" Anderson then gets the pin PULLING THE TIGHTS and takes out some bread and puts the flag between it so that Kurt can eat it as a SANDWICH! Kurt takes a big bite right out of the middle of the sandwich flag and the fans BOO but then Kurt pulls the bread away to reveal it's actually the CANADIAN flag with a big hole bitten out of it and he switched them somehow! Then Kurt starts MAULING Anderson with STIFF FOREARMS and BITES until Anderson TAPES OUT and Kurt pulls on the ring apron and the whole thing rolls over Anderson and somehow the ringmat was a GIANT AMERICAN FLAG all along and then Kurt gives Anderson a 450 splash wrapped up in the flag!

Hogan: Dude, I'm on the phone to Brian Knobbs right now, he's fallen over in the show...shit, he's stuck in his tub...I'm going to have to go over there and pry him out...yeah, do that shit with Kurt, I don't care!

The rest of the script was so completely obscured by semen stains that I couldn't read it!

And now for my EXCLSUIVE interview with Daniel Bryan! What a jumped-up prick he turned out to be, as you're about to discover!

Me: OMG, it's Daniel Bryan!

Daniel: Hi, good to talk to you.

Me: It's so kewl to be talking to you, dood!

Daniel: Haha, you a big fan?

Me: No, but you know The Miz! Miz is awesome!

Daniel: Haha, he's a bit of a jerk.

Me: Stop saying "haha" so much.

Daniel: Look, I'm just trying to keep things nice and friendly, I have a good relationship with my fans...

Me: I'm not a fan! I didn't even know who you were before NXT! You never did shit before WWE!

Daniel: Look, I've wrestled all over the world...

Me: LIKE WHERE?

Daniel: Canada, Mexico...

Me: Oooh, it must be SO hard to work in Meixco, doing nothing but armdrags everynight in front of fifty drunks with air horns and cowbells!

Daniel: Japan...

Me: Who cares! Japan isn't a real wrestling company!

Daniel: I've wrestled in front of tens of thousands of fans in New Japan show...

Me: LIAR! There aren't even tens of thousands of people LIVING in Japan! It's just a stinking little island!

Daniel: There's some great wrestling companies running shows in Japan...

Me: So why do all the biggest Japanese stars like TAKA Michinoclue, The Great Mutant, Giant Baby, Yoko Zuna, Jimmy Wang yang and of course Kenzo Suzuki come to America to wrestle? YOU DON'T HAVE AN ANSWER, DO YOU? It's becasue America is the place to be!

Daniel: I thought Hot Newz was a respected wrestling journalist!

Me: That was my GAY uncle who was a GAYspected wrestling GAYalist! Did you never see his Hot Newz Shuffle? That was gayer than your haircut! I'm a whole new Hot Newz and I don't respect you or your submission moves!

Daniel: Fine. Just ask me some good questions.

Me: Your new finisher the Heel Hook...why is it such a GAY copy of Kurt Angle's ankle lock?

Daniel: The heel hook is a legit move used by many MMA fighters...

Me: MMA is all fake anyway and you've just PROVED IT by seeing the heel hook is a legit move! If it's legit then EXPLAIN THIS: why do you twist the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY than Kurt Angel does when he uses the ankle lock? If Kurt twisting the ankle that way hurts, then you twisting the ankle the OPPOSITE WAY must feel GOOD! You're actually giving your opponent a nice massage! You fruit!

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your "new" crossface is just Shawn Michaels' great crossface except you stick your foot in your opponent's face! What, are they supposed to pass out from the smell because you're a cheap indy guy who can't afford CLEAN SOCKS?

Daniel: Seriously?

Me: And your guilloting choke couldn't even beat da Great Khali!

Daniel: Hey, Khali is a former world champion, he's beaten The Undertaker...

Me: Years ago! And only because Raijin Shing stole the urn or something! His workrate is so low now that he can't bet Dolph Ziggler! He can't beat Matt Hardy in a dance-off!

Daniel: Look, he's got a big size advantage...

Me: FUNAKI has a big size advnatage against you! When are you actually going to WIN anyway? You've lost to everyone! You lost again this week!

Daniel: Miscommunication with my partner...

Me: No, you missed a move off the second-rope and Otunga gave you a shitty spinebuster for the pin! Why should I even care about you at all if you can't even win a match? WHY SHOULD ANYBODY CARE?

Danie: Come on...at least I'm better than Heath Slater!

Me: Okay, that's true!

PHONECALL ENDS

Well that's it for me, this job SUCKS I'm never doing it again, Uncle Hot Newz isn't coming back either because he's probably DEAD! SO BYE!

SAMOA JOE FOUND HIDING IN A KFC, CRYING "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME GO BACK TO TNA AND RUSSO'S BOOKING!"? MARTY JANNETY TO SHOW UP DRUNK AT THE HALL OF FAME AND SHOUT "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME, SHAWN, THAT BARBERSHOP WINDOW WAS A REAL WINDOW!" THEN FALL OVER? THE REAL REASON HOT NEWZ QUIT IS BECAUSE HE MASTURWANKED HIMSELF INTO A COMA OVER LAYLA EL? UNDERTAKER TO TAKE A YEAR OFF AFTER WRESTLEMANIA BUT STILL WIN NEXT YEAR ANYWAY INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY PUTTING SOMEONE OVER FOR ONCE, SERIOUSLY WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME HE DID A JOB, WAS IT AGAINST GREAT KHALI? MAN MOUNTAIN ROCK? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF DIXIE CARTER SALINAS AND JEFF JARRET AT A NUDE BITCH DOING THE SPINAROONIE NAKED WITH VISIBLE NIP SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ BLOG/ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!