But first here's some hot newz! The big newz is STILL that Jeff Hardy took drugs, tested positive for drugs, then his house caught on fire and tested positive for BURNING DOWN! This is, of course, not funny at all and is in fact rather tragic so shame on you if you laughed! What IS funny though is remembering when Jeff was suspended for eating lots of drugs last year but he said on the Peroxxiluchagoreswhygen69 blog that he was really taking a month off for a "back injury" and all the fan girls believed him! LOL, how stupid do they look now (pretty stupid! And no doubt fat!)
Speaking of drugs, Mike Knox had some in a shoebox in his house and he forgot about them when he moved out and the new owners found them and took them and had a bad trip and now they're taking legal action against Knox! Maybe he should get Clarence Mason to represent him!
Cryme Tyme are BACK in the WWE! Cryme Tyme were fired a year ago for stealing Cade and Murdoch's cowboy boots and underwear and selling them on eBay, but WWE feels they have learned their lesson in the last year (which they've spent posting updates on myspace rather than trying to actually improve their wrestling) and gave them another shot. I'm so glad they're back! Maybe they'll dehumanize another Diva like they did with Lita!
Speaking of CRYME, Test has been arrested (or should I say aTESTed?) for speeding! When the officer pulled Test over, Test claimed that he had to "drive real fast" because "I have so many wrestling bookings to get to, I'm in such demand!" That's when the officer knew for sure that he was lying!
As you all know from having to watch that boring ceremony on RAW a few weeks ago (YAWN! Who the hell is Greg Valentine anyway!?) Ric Flair has FINALLY retired! Flair has promised to never EEEEEEEVER wrestle agayne...but that doesn't mean he can't compete in a worked MMA fight with Mick Foley later this year! Whooo!
In TNA newz, Jeff Jarrett has decided to ruin the career of Highlander Robbie! Robbie was invited and PAID fifty thousand bizzucks to sit in a crowd at a TNA show in disguise (he didn't wear a kilt!) looking bored a few weeks ago and TNA showed him on tv! Vince McMahon, after asking who the hell Robbie is anyway, was NOT happy about this and sent Robbie home (to Scotland!) Jarrett's theory is that if he can start ruining careers right at the very bottom of the WWE (he's Robbie!) then he can start a chain reaction that will take down the entire company! It's a good theory and let's see if it pays off!
And now at all it is time for my review of WrestleMania 24, the twenty fourth WrestleMania of all time! The show took place in a special OUTSIDE ARENA which had the roof torn off and it was quite the spectacle...shame all the crowd heat went right out of the open roof too though! The show started with a special performace of America the Brave or whatever (I was getting snacks) by John Legend! How arrogant to call yourself "Legend"! I hate that guy! Then it was time for the first match, a special Ballfast Hardcore match!
Finlay versus JBL - This was probably the worst hardcore match since Bob Holly versus Mideon in 1999! They hit each other with cookie sheets (wy are they under wrestling rings anyway? Do the midgets who live under there eat a lot of cookies?) and trashcans and trashcan lids and cookie sheet lids for 15 boring minutes. The only good bit was when that bully JBL threw a trashcan at Hornswoggle with NO WARNING in a legit shoot like he did to the Blue Meanie and nearly killed him! JBL won with a clothesline (in a hardcore match!? Maybe if he had wrapped his arm in barbwire or broken glass or acid or something before hitting the clothesline I would have been impressed!) because even though he's fat and he sucks at least he's friends with the boss whereas Finlay's only friend is Dave Taylor! **3/4
Backstage, Kim Cardassian (who is one fineassho! But herbest feature is her ASS and they didn't show it ONCE all night, probably out of fear of making the viewers realize that none of the Divas have an ass of comparable hotness, not even Mickie James! Yes, that was probably why) interviewed Kennedy and he shouted his name at her in a shocking display of originality.
Money in the bank - This was okay but on the other hand it SUCKED and was the worst money in the bank match in the long history of money in the bank matches! Sure, Shelton took a stupid twenty foot bump thorugh a ladder but it was probably a FAKE LADDER (I slammed by buddy D-Pizzle on a ladder and it didn't snap like that!) and they also messed up literally a MILLIONS spots! In the end, CM Punk won (WTF!?) after tying Jericho upside down to a ladder by his bootlaces and after Matt Hardy ran in and gave MVP a swanton off the ladder. Maybe Punk will challenge Randy Orton for the title and go to a one hour draw after he holds Punk in a chinlock for 40 minutes, like he did against Samoan Joe (the other 20 minutes are Orton holding Punk in a chinlock!)! ****
Batista versus Umanga - OMFG this sucked harder than Ashley at contract negotiations and it was all because of Batista! You could tell Umanga was pissed off and wanted to have a better match, but "Big Dave" (as he likes to be known) kept shaking his head and saying "nah, just put me in a nervehold for another five minutes instead!" It was the worst match Umanga has been in since he was Samu in the Headshrinkers! Dave won with the Batista bomb but he coldn't even pick Umanga up at all so it looked gayer than Michael Cole at contract negotiations! 1/2DUD
Chavo versus Kane - LOL! ****
FUN FACT: The voice saying "ooooh, Chavo!" in Chavo's entrance music is Vickie Guerrero!
Ric Flair versus Shawn Michaels - Whooo! Flair's robe was stupid and looked like he had it on backwards. Whooo! The match sucked! Flair didn't even do any of his old moves he use to do in the seventies like dropkicks and frankensteiners and powerbombs! And Shawn BUST HIS RIBS OPEN by moonsaulting straight into a table! D'oh! If you ask me (and, by reading this, you effectively ARE asking me!) Shawn INTENTIONALLY injured his ribs ON PURPOSE so that there would be an EXCUSE for the match sucking other than the REAL reason why it did: because Flair is older than dirt! He's older than the dirt Adam wiped off his feet when he was kicked out of the Garden of Edam! He's so old he remembers when Jerry Lawler was actually a heel announcer! Having said, he still throws a good chop and Shawn cried a bit so it was okay but still a MASSIVE disappointment and remember: if Flair's such a great guy how come he sucker punched Mick Foley when Foley asked him to sign his book!? Also, they didn't play "Custom Made" as Flair walked to the back after the match. ***
Maria and Ashley versus Melina and Bethany Phoenix in BUNNYMANIA! - Oh oh, oh oh, it's Bunnymania, time to masturwank, PUMP IT UP, PUMP IT UP, PUMP IT UP! Remember athat song? I changed the words SLIGHTLY. Anyway, this sucked of course and the only reason they put a diva's match on WrestleMania every year is so that Vince has time for a bathroom break backstage! The only good thing about this was my man Snoop DAWG of course and Mickie James in a HOT dress looking HOT and dancing as if to say "I'm hot and I should be in this match! And Playboy! And Hot Newz's bed!" That's what she was saying! Even Snoop looked at her and said "mmm, I like that! More than Ashley!" which proves she's hot because who knows more about hotness than Snoop? NOBODY! Anyway Beth won with the Awesome Bomb because she wants to be Awesome Kong but she NEVER WILL BE and then afterwards Snoop gave Santino a STIFF clothesline! This made me happy because I HATE Santina and I hope Snoops knizzocked him izzout!
(I don't REALLY hate Santino, I think he's GRATE, but he's so popular on the internet now that there WILL be a backlash against him soon, mark my wise words, so I'm just getting on the bandwagon early. LOL, Santino sucks, he can't wrestle, all he does is speak in a stupid voice and say stupid things, that SUCKS, anyone could do that, even TAZZ could probably do that if he applied himself, I hope Santino is FIRED and goes to TNA FOREVER the looser!)
Randy Orton versus John Cena versus Triple H - WTF? This was all BACKWARDS. First of all Cena came out to a marching band(!??!?!) which was gayer than gay sex with a gay man, and HHH didn't even have Radiohead playing his theme like he does every year which was a HYOOGE disapointment and finally the match only lasted about five minutes! Orton spent most of it lying down holding his leg saying "oww, my leg hurts!" leaving HHH and Cena to do all the work (which wasn't pretty, naturally!) until right at the end he just ran up, kicked Triple H in the face, won the match and ran away! Which was pretty funny actually and saved the match from DUD! ****1/2
Big Show versus "Prettyboy" Floyd the "the money!!" the Maryweather - OMG! Just when I thought this show couldn't get any worse, along comes this steaming turd of worseness to bring it to new levels of worser! For a first of all, this should have been a SHOOT BOXING MATCH rather than a fake wrestling match! That way, Big Show would have squashed Floyd like a little bug! But I guess Floyd was too CHICKEN to take on Show for real and his manager handpicks his opponents to protect him like Mickey did for Rocky in Rocky 3! I did think that MAYBE it was a shoot for the first few minutes, even though Maryweather didn't lie on his back like a crab like George Foreman did in his famous match with Andre the Giant, but I knew it wasn't as soon as Show hit a sideslam. Also Floyd should have taken a few chairshots to the head to pay his dues rather than just dish them out! They should have tried to get Hulk Hogan or The Rock to run in and leg drop or rock bottom Floyd then pose for ten minutes, that would have been much better. ***
Edge versus Undertaker - It was up to Undertaker to SAVE THE SHOW like he's done every year ever since he beat Jimmy Snuka in a 30 minute, blood-filled, five star classic at WrestleMania 7! Could he do it again here tonight? Sort of! Edge is good at promos and kissing, but his moves are so weak that they look like they couldn't even crack eggs! Not hard boilded eggs, soft, girly eggs! He did about twenty spears which exposed that the spear DON'T HURT. I speared my cat yesterday because she was about to catch and a mouse and she was fine and scractched me in the face then ate the mouse anyway! But otherwise it was good EXCEPT FOR the fact that Undertaker won with the Googleplex (known as "there's that submission hold!" by Michael Cole) rather than the tombstone! It is a tradition for Taker to win at WrestleMania using the tombstone going way back twenty years to the forementioned classic with Jimmy Snuka which ended when he tombstoned Snuka through the announce table right in front of Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan! It was DISGUSTFUL that he used that piece of SHIT the googlesearch to win here! He only started using the goozlepaloza two months ago by accident when he tried to put Big Daddy V in a triangle choke but his foot got stuck under a roll of fat on V's neck! He should have AT LEAST choked Edge out with the Goemonplaza and THEN given his unconscious body a tombstone! So for that reason alone I must deduct a FULL quarter star from the rating. ****3/4
It was better than the WrestleMania headlined by Cena/HHH but not as good as the WrestleMania headlined by Cena/HBK.
Well, just as soon as one WWE ppv is finishd another one comes along forcing you to watch it, so here is my preview of Backlash!
Miz and Morrison versus Jesus and Festus for da tag championships titles - Festus will be kicking some asses and about to win when SUDDENLY Jesse turns heel on him because he's jealous of Festus's push and hits him with a BELL and the combination of the blow to the head and the ringing sends Festus into a coma and when he wakes up in six weeks he's an effiminate homosexual character who wrestles in a lace dress and Jesse is in TNA as Jess-A!
MVP versus Matt Hardy for the United States US title - After their, let's be honest, BORING AS BACKLUND, non-title match on Smackdown last week, there will be a special rule put in place by Vickie Guerrero for this match which states that neither man can work on the other's legs! So at least we'll be spared five minute leglocks. Instead, MVP will win with an armlock after 20 minutes of working on the arm, but Matt's foot will be on the bottom rope so Vickie will drive out in her wheelchair and say "the only way to settle this feud is in a LADDER MATCH...at the next ppv!" then drive away again!
Big Show vesrus Great Khali in a "bodyslam challenge" - the winner is teh first giant to bodyslam the other! This is the first in a best of three series between them! Big Show will win this match, Khali will win the second which will be a Sumo match (Show sucks at sumo, he couldnt even beat Akebono!) and Show will win the final which will be a TUG OF WAR match!
Kane versus Chavo for teh ECW title for the world- This one will go TWICE AS LONG as their WrestleMania classic to give Chavo more offence and could well be the best ECW title match since the title was revived in 2006, OR INDEED, ever!
Shawn Michaels verus Batistia - Batista will come out wearing a leather jacket with the arms cut off and driving a monster truck to show his mean new attitude! And Shawn debuts his new EMO HAIRCUT which has been specially designed to hide his baldspot! ANyway, Batista wins after a MYSTERIOUS MASKED MAN runs in and puts Shawn in a figure four and you hear his leg snap and who is that masked man? It's Bret Hart, if they can sign him, if not, it's Paul Burchill for some reason!
Undertaker versus Edge - Since Edge got to look good at WrestleMania, this time he gets to look bad and Taker just totally throws him around and threw tables and shit and double chokeslams both Edgeheads and wheels Vickie off the top of the stage and wins clean but then MARK HENRY comes out with a frying pan and hits Taker with it then bends the frying pan around his arm and says "that's your spine Taker, that's what I'm going to do to your spine!" then just walks away.
Randy Orton versus JBL versus John Cena versus Triple HHH - Word is that a MAJOR angle will go down during this match, so SECRET and WORLD-CHANGING that not even I, Hot Newz, know about it, but it could possibly involve VINCE MCMAHON, A SWORD, BUCKETS OF BLOOD and JR FAKING A HEART ATTACK! Either that or Orton wins by pinning JBL.
Should be a great show!
Speaking of PPVs, TNA has a show coming up soon where every match will be a STEEL CAGE match!!!!!1 Okay, that's enough about that.
Now as an extra special gift for my loyal readers, some wrestling related knock-knock jokes!
"Rey who's that jumping off the sky R E Y, Misterio, here we go!"
"Who the short lived gimmick used by Jim Neidhart in the mid nineties!"
"I know you knock, but who are you!?"
"I was hoping you could tell me, I'm too wasted to remember my surname!"
And now for this month's interview with Jeff Hardy. Wrestlnig journalists all over the world have been wanting to interview Jeff ever since he tested positive for FUN PILLZ and was suspended, but as usual old Hot Newz has the exclusive scizzoop!!!! I managed to get Jeff's phone number from a secret source (Shannon Moore) so I gave him a call! And here is the transcript!
Me: Hello, Jeffy Hardy!
Matt Hardy: Umm, this is...
Me: I'm glad I'm talking to you and not your boring brother Matt! Where is he, anyway? Away working on MVP's leg?
Matt: This is Matt.
Me: Oh. Great.
Matt: Who is this?
Me: It's the number one wrestling journalist of ALL time!
Matt: CRZ? But he retired years ago! After Thanksgiving, MAYBE! Yeah right!
Me: No! It's Hot Newz!
Matt: ...that's your name?
Matt: Oh wait...I remember you...you're that dick who interviewed me after my relationship with Lita went sour...
Me: The only thing sour was the taste of Edge's jizzaculate in her mouth!
Matt: You're a horrible, hafe-filled little boy...
Me: I'm taller than you! Well, no...but I'm sexier!
Matt: Get off the line.
Me: I've changed in the last three years! Just like you've changed lovers, from Lita to Ashley!
Matt: I'm not going out with Ashley anymore.
Me: Even SHE dumped you? But she's so ugly! You couldn't even keep her!?
Matt: Go away!
Me: Why don't you hang up?
Matt: ...well, this is going on a website, isn't it? Fangirls will read this and email me as a result?
Matt: So I may as well talk. Even though I hate you.
Matt: I'm a loser? Maybe so. But a certain couple I know, one male, one female, one who wears a hat, the other who owns a cat, are losing a lot more than they bargained for, after going swimming in depths which were deeper than they first appeared and may contain sharks and man-eating tigers. I don't swim in depths that are too deep. I can swim in any depth, twist the fate of any shark. I can slam a tornado.
Me: That's one of your cryptic myspace posts!
Matt: Don't try to decipher it! Those who don't know can never understand!
Me: Or it doesn't actually mean anything and you're just trying to appear as mysterious?
Matt: Yes. No! Shut up!
Me: Look, I really wanted to speak to Jeff, the interesting Hardy.
Matt: He's, umm...not on this astral plane at the moment.
Me: Well can I talk to your current girlfriend, Velvet Sky, then?
Matt: She's the Hurricane's girlfriend!
Me: She left you too? OUCH!
Matt: I was never going out with her!
Me: You were never going out with her? OUCH!
Matt: Do you have any actual questions for me?
Me: What was the name of that guy Elijah Burke used to manage, who beat you easily on Smackdown one week, then got fired for sucking a few weeks later?
Matt: Umm...Sylvester Terkay?
Me: Yep, that's it, thanks! I couldn't remember his name.
Matt: And that's the only possible question you could think to ask me?
Me: Yeah. Oh yeah, one more. HOW MANY DRUGS HAS JEFF TAKEN TODAY?
Matt: You think that's funny? Do you? You haven't changed at all in the last three years. You took pleasure in my life being in ruins then, and you're taking pleasure in Jeff's misfortune now. His house burned down! He's been suspended! And you laugh at him to make yourself feel better! All I can say is that you must have a pretty pathetic life, Hot Newz.
Me: I'm sorry.
Me: SORRY YOUR BROTHER'S A...
(Matt hangs up.)
I was just going to say "a better wrestler than you!"
Back next month with more Hot Newz and some COLD newz too! And an exclusive interview with none other than HULK HOGAN, brother!
BIG DADDY V SENT HOME BECAUSE HE'S BEEN SLEEPING ON LILLIAN GARCIA'S COUCH? DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER TO APPEAR AT SUMMERSLAM, BRAH? KURT ANGLE SAYS SOMETHING REALLY STUPID IN MEDIA INTERVIEW? TAZZ DIAGNOSED WITH ASPERGER'S SYNDROME? PLUS HOT NAKED NEAR NUDE PICS OF KELLY KELLY "AUDITIONING" FOR PLAYBOY AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!