Now for some NEWZ 'N' (and) NOTEZ!!!!1
HBK is back! The old (he's 45) Heartbreakid was supposed to be out for another six months recovering from a broken face or something (I can't remember, it's been so long since he was injured!) but the WWE called him up and said "hey Shawn, want to come back six months early since Cena's pec flew off" and Shawn said "I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message after the SUCK IT! SUCK IT!" (it was his answer machine!) and the WWE repeated what they'd just said to his answer machine and four hours later Shawn called them back up and said "yeah, I was at the county fair with my wife. I superkicked a cotton candy salesman when he said his cotton candy tastes better than God's love! So yeah, I think I'm ready to come back! I'll wear some really funny outfits to distract from the fact that I can barely move!" and that's the true story of how it happened!
You might be wondering why it is that new scottish wrestler Drew McIntyre seems of reasonable intelligence and wears proper clothes and you can understand what he says, whereas the Highlanders are barely decipherable simpletons who wear rags and drink out of the toilet! Well the truth of the matter is that of course the Highlanders are REAL Scotsmen from the wild sheep-infested highlands of Scotchland whereas Drew McIntyre is actually just an american PRETENDING to be a Scotsman! That's why he sounds intelligent and can probably use a phone, whereas the Highlanders are barely above the level of cavemen! Actually even though they appear retarded to our sophisticated american eyes, the highlanders are considered to be SUPER GENIUSES in Scotland and would probably rule that barren land if they still lived there!
Teddy Hart has been fired again! It happened when Hart had a disagreement with Johnny Ace over what he could do in matches! Ace said to Teddy "listen son you have to do what you're told in matches, just follow the script and you'll be fine, you have a bright future ahead of you!" then Teddy said "let me get this straight Mister Ace...you're saying that if I'm wrestling Shawn Michaels, say, on pay per view, I CAN'T just stop selling halfway through the match, climb up to the top turnbuckles, perform a 720 moonsault to the floor right through the spanish announce table, grab JR's cowboy hate, put it on, play air guitar for a full minute, then roll back into the ring and say 'I respect you, bibleman!', lie down and let Shawn pin me, then run out through the crowd? You're saying I CAN'T do that?" and Ace said "umm, yeah. Not unless it's the booked finish of the match. Which it never will be." then Teddy said "well, you may as well fire me now!" and Ace said "you're fired!" and Teddy shook his hand and said "pleasure doing business with you!" and adjusted his bumbag and left!
Kristal Marshal has been fired from the WWE! The reason for this is that Kristal was just TOO HOT to be a Diva and someone finally noticed so she was fired because all Divas must be generic blonds whose names you can't remember! Mickie James and Layla El are reported to be shitting themselves in fear!
In TNA newz, the Dudley Boyz have got some faaaaat asses!
No Mercy was a few weeks ago! You probably didn't see it so here's my quick review to let you know if it's worth getting the DVD (HINT: it never is!)
First up was an interview segment with Vince! What is this, RAW!? Is it RAW!? Becaue I thought it was a pay per view!!! Not RAW!!! Anyway, Vince eventually said "Y2J isn't here because he missed his flight and therefore the winner and NEW WWE champion, Randy Orton, pal!" and that made Orton the champion! But then HHH came out and said "Vince loves cock!" and Vince said "as punishment, you get a shot at Randy Orton, RIGHT NOW!" and the match was on like cheekbones!
Randy Orton versus HHH
Well normally I would complain about HHH wrestling because anytime HHH even wrestles it automatically SUCKS but luckily this time it just happened to be the BEST MATCH EVER! Triple H won with a roll-up (who is he, Funaki!?) and added yet another title reign to his count! Triple H ups his title reign count like a message board spammer spamming up their post count! ****3/4
Jeff Hardy, Brian Kendrick and Paul Londrick versus Cade, Murdoch and Mister Kennedy...McMahon! No, he's not, he's just Kennedy. Should have used a fake name when ordering your drugs, Ken!
This was a "bonus match" like Kai En Tai versus the Headbangers at King of the Ring 98 and amazingly this was even BETTER than that bonus match, in fact it was the best bonus match ever and Kennedy won with the Kennedy Roll on some guy! ****
CM Punk versub Big Daddy Vis
This was originally booked as CM Punk WINNING CLEAN with the GO TO SLEEP(!) in FIFTEEN MINUTES(!!) but earlier in the day Punk was walking around backstage looking for girls and he bumped into Tony Atlas and Atlas said "young punks, you have no respect!" and Punk said "do you know who I am!?" and Atlas said "yeah, you're a young punk, Punk! Do you know who I am!?" and Punk said "Aren't you Saba Simba?" so Atlas told management that Punk spat in his coffee and they changed the booking of the match! Unfortunately they changed it to the WORST MATCH EVER and Punk won in ten seconds after he started spitting up blood (I don't know how that equals a win!) DUD1/2*
Pizza Eating Contest!
Tazz started doing one of his trademark rambling, nonsensical promos that completely kill all the crowd heat so he quickly said "Chicago rules!" to get the fans to pop but then he said "I like New York pizza!" so the fans booed because they're so bigoted that they can't even tolerate different pizzas! Anyway, MVP and Matt then ate pizza. For two minutes. On pay per view. They ate pizza for two minutes on pay per view. Then Matt threw up for real because he suddenly felt LOVESICK for Lita again, probably! 1/4*
HHH versus Umanga
YAWN! The only good bit here was when HHH hit a spinebuster and JR said "what a pedigree!" Other than that it was the MOST BORING MATCH EVER. HHH won with a spinebuster (pedigree). DUD3/4*
Rey Myisterio versus Finlay
A lot of people think Finlay's injury was a work, but let me tell you something, those people are dirty LIARS, Finlay was hurt FOR REAL because he's old now and not in shape anymore (that's why he's not called "Fit" anymore!) It just happened that Finlay woke up just as he was being carried backstage so he attacked Rey to PRETEND that he had been faking it, but we all know the truth now! This would have been a best match ever if Finlay wasn't old. ****1/2
Candice Michelle versus Beth Pheenix
I like Beth's gimmick that she is both hot and a good wrestler. Most women wrestlers are either one or the other, hot OR a good wrestler, like Candace for example (she's a good wrestler but MAAAAAAAN is she ugly!) Anyway Beth won in the worst woman's match ever with the Glammerplex. **1/2
Batista verus Khali in Punjabi prison!
Best Punjabi Prison match ever! Even my friend WorkrateWarren loved it and he's a dick! The best spot was of course the ending when Batista did a legitimate TEN FEET horizontal leap and literally could have DIE if something had went wrong in a deadly way! He wins my respet and, dare I say it, LOVE for that! ***1/2
HHH versus Randy Orton last man standing
OMG fifteen Triple H matches on one show is sixteen too many! Anyway, luckily this was once again the BEST MATCH EVER (last man standing version) so at least that was something but I still HATED it because it involved Triple H and I'm glad Randy won and I bet HHH was lying on a table at the end so he could say "I was lying on a table so you didn't really beat me because a table's off the ground!" and get his heat back! *****+
OVERALL you shouldn't buy the DVD but maybe rent it if they have a "rent 2 for the price of 1!" offer at your local rental place and the other DVD you rent is Ghostbusters (because Ghostbusters rules!)
Some TNA ppv was also a few weeks ago! The only matches anyone cared about were the ten woman battle royal and the long awaited 18 months in the making showdown between the man they call Sting and Kurt "I'm okay to drive!" Angle since all the other matches were all Ultimate Monster's Reverse Table X Battle Balls!
Woman's match.
The HOT women in this match were: Gail Kim, Christy Hemme, Shelly Martinez (well, kind of, if you have a vampire fetish!) and a bunch of random hot blonds.
The NOT hot women in this match were: Excellent Kong (the grandaughter of the late, great Aja Kong), Jacqkieline, and a bunch of random not hot blondes.
The HOT women NOT in the match were: Karen Angle! Where was she!
Anyway Gail Kim won by dropkicking Awestruck Kong right over the top revealing her boobers to the whole world (and let me tell you, I was pleasantly surprised!) then hitting OT with and Emerald Frustration! Gail has finally redeemed herself for all those RAW matches where she fell on the top rope and Trish just looked embarrassed to be in the ring with such an amateur. ****
Sting versus Angle.
Before the match, Karen Angle sprayed Sting with beer from a supersoaker, confusing him! Then some cops came out and said "we're arresting you for drunk driving!" and Sting said "You can't arrest him, I'm going to wrestle him!" and the cops said "No, Sting, if that is your real name, we're arresting YOU for drunk driving! You stink of beer!" And Sting said "but I'm not driving, I'm wrestling for the TNA world title!" and the cop said "That's what they all say!" and cracked Sting in the face with a club then kicked him in the ribs three times and said "that's for resisting arrest, perp!" Then he handcuffed Sting's hands behind his back and prepared to drag him off but Angle said "Now hold on a minute officer, can't this wait until I've beaten his ass?" and the officer said "well it is highly irregular, but you're Kurt Angle the olypmic hero, so okay, sir!" and the bell rang! Kurt put Sting in the anklelock right away...but Sting couldn't tap out because his hands were cuffed! So Karen Angle got in the ring (flashing her panties as she did!) and uncuffilised Sting so he could tap out, but as soon as Sting's hands were free he effortlessly reversed Kurt into an anklelock of his own! Then Kurt was about to tap out but Karen said "no Kurt, if you tap I'll never sleep with you again!" but he was STILL going to tap (it must have really hurt!) so Karen cuffed Kurts hands to the ring ropes so that he couldnt tap! Then Sting wass angry at this hoochy-mama's actions so he chased her around the ring but when he ran back in Kurt suddenly pulled his hands out the cuffs (they were never really cuffed at all!) and gave him an Angle slam and pinned him with his feet on the ropes! Then the cop said "ha, I'm not really a cop at all, I'm Eric Angle!" and it was, it was Eric Angle! But then Sting rolled up Angle for the pin and new champion since Don West had just showed a replay of Kurt cheating to the referee! Best TNA match ever but it still sucked. DUD
Ring of Honor Introduction!
As only a few of you know, Ring of Honor has FINALLY made it's way onto ppv this year wtih shows like "Driven" and "Ticket To Ride" and "VROOM VROOM"! If you haven't heard of ROH yet then you probably don't DESERVE to ever hear of them! But here's an introduction to ROH written by ME anyway to get you up to speed so be sure to order all their ppvs and sneak into your friends houses and order the ppv from there too to boost teh buy rate!
The Brisco Brothers - Is there a better tag team in the world right now than Jason and Marcus Brisco? Yes, probably quite a few in Japan. But that doesn't make the Briscoes any less exciting! THe Briscoes are known for their high energy matches which always end with their opponents giving them lots of finishers and them kicking out and them giving their opponents lots of finishers and the opponents kicking out! THis means that the Briscoes are really good at kicking out of finishers, but it also means that the Brisco's finishers themselves must suck since the opponents manage to kick out the first few times! STill, the Briscoes always manage to win in the end (especially in two out of three fall matches!) The Briscoes are of course also the nephews of the late, great Gerry "The Hammer" Brisco of Brisco Brother's bodyshop (the Brisco Brothers are named after it but they dropped the "bodyshop" part in 2005!) and Patt Patterson's butt buddy fame!
Brian "The American Dragonson" Daniels - "Best in the world, best in the world!" That's what the message board addicted fans of ROH chant at this man everytime he wrestles, as thought chanting it will somehow make it come true. In truth, there are probably thousands of better wrestlers than Dragon in, you guessed it, Japan! Even so I'll give the Dragster (as he likes to be known) some credit, he is pretty good for a Bob Backlund tribute act! Known for his matches with Nigel McGinness (see below!), the Dragon is a master of the crossface chicken wing and running atomic drop and once had a good match with Rico the Stylist on HEAT!
Nigel McGuinness - British guy, from England in Britain. Used to do lots of European moves like roll ups and the splits and carry an iron (British guys always wear ironed shirts!) but now does nothing but clotheslines. A SURE SIGN of the dumbing down going on in American society! Looks a bit like Mister Kennedy.
Morishima - Fat Japanese guy who won the title only because the owner (Gabe Spaghetti) thinks that Japanese guys are automatically better wrestlers than any white guy. Which, to be fair, is true.
Delirious - I like this guy!
Austin Aries - Looks like a cross between a hair hobo and a hobbit, but this guy can wrestle! Was fired from TNA for wrestling too well and wanted to sign his new ROH contract right in the ring so he said "give me a pen!" and for some reason EVERYONE in the arena had a pen and threw them at him and one stuck in his eye and he had to miss six weeks of action recovering, but his facial hair was even wilder than ever when he returned!
Claudio Costadollar - This guy is really tall so for a while it looked like he'd go to WWE but then he said "no thanks WWE, I love my ROH fans so much!" and stayed with ROH and that proves the kind of loyalty inspired by ROH! Or he had work visa problems, I can't remember which.
Chris Hero - Weird tall guy with bad hair who wears a Superman shirt and just kind of dances and prances and rolls around the ring without actually wrestling. I think he must be friends with Gabe Spaghetti or something.
Natalie Portman - Not in ROH or associated with ROH in any way, but I love her!
Well I'm sure there's lots of other guys as well like Ricky Richards and Davey Remero and Rocky Robin but who cares about them, those are the main guys and I think you'll agree that with a rooster like that you can't go wrong!
Book reviews!
As many of you don't know, this months sees the release of two books by two of the biggest stars in the history of the world, Chris Jericho and Dave Batista! I know 99.999% of all people don't read books ever because they have the internet and normally they are RIGHT to do this but these are WRESTLING books so they might be worth reading and here are my reviews!
A Lion's Tail - This story covers Jericho's life from BIRTH ("It was like coming out a long dark tunnel, baby!") through to debuting on RAW ("it was like coming out a long dark tunnel, baby!") One early chapter features the story of how Jericho decided to become a wrestler! He was at the Canadian Zoo with his dad when he saw LIONS in a cage and he was amazed by them and he looked at his dad and said "Dad, that's what I want to be when I grow up" and he dad said "Umm, what?" and Jericho said "A lion!" and his dad said "You can't be a lion, son, you're human!" Then Jericho asked "well, what's the thing I can be that's closest to a lion while still being human?" His dad thought about this for a moment before reaching the only possible conclusion. "Son," he said, for he often called young Chris that name "that would be a professional wrestler" and Jericho immediately said "dad, when I grow up, I want to be a professional wrestler" and his dad said "I'm so proud of you!" and it was a touching father son moment. The lion then jumped out its caged and MAULED Jericho's dad! THen Jeirhco said "No, no, I can't believe this! I'll avenge you, dad! I'll become a wrestler, just like you wanted! I'll become the best wrestler in the world! I'll make you proud, dad, proud from Heaven!" Then his dad said "Umm, son, I'm not dead, just mauled a bit! Phone an ambulance!" He also tells the story of when he was first told he would team with Lance Storm and he looked at him and said "no way, he's so boring!" and the promoter said "we'll pay you double!" and Jericho said "a team is born!" And many more equally great (but not better) stories! Overall it's even better than all Foley's books put together because there's no mention of Water slides or sick kids or politics (seriously Mick, no one cares!) and you must buy it NOW!
An Animal's Tail - Batista's book is nearly as good if not better! The first big revealation is that Batista is actually 54 years old and has eight grandchildren! Batista talks a lot about some of the old jobs he had before he became a wrestler, such as the job of a postman! "I used to deliver letters to the guy who plays Cliff on Cheers," he writes. "I thought that was quite ironic since he plays a postman on tv and yet I delivered his letters on real life! Did you know he was in The Empire Strikes Back?" There are 400 pages of stories like this. He then moves on to his wrestling career and talks about working with D-Von Dudley ("FAAAAT ASS but a good guy!"), Triple H ("He gave me some work-out tips if you know what I mean!") and The Undertaker ("Much better than Kane!") He also reveals that Booker T CHEATED to kick his ass for real that time and that Melina is "better than Ariel" in the sack and more so buy it!
Cyber Sunday Preview!
Let'z do things a little differently this time, I'll tell you how I would vote (which is how you SHOULD vote!) and also how I would book this pay per view (which I really should be doing if the WWE want it to be truely interactive!)
CM Punk versus ???????/??!? - Options are John Morrions, The Miz and Big Daddy Vis! The OBVIOUS choice for a good match would be to pick John Morrison...so don't pick that! I'm sure we've all seen PLENTY of good matches in our time! I say we pick Big Daddy Mable and here's why! CM Punk is currently in the dawghouse with management because he refused to take his wrist tape off under the orders of Tony Atlas, as I already mentioned! So Punk has been booked to LOSE the title to WHOMEVER is selected as his opponent! WWE thinks it'll be Morrison so let's confuse them by picked Viscera! This will also ANGER the obsessive CM Punk marks on internet message boards and possibly make them CRY and I'm sure we all want to do that!
Rey Mysterio versus Fit Finlay - You can choose between a stretcher match, a no disqualification match (YAWN) or a Shalaylee on a pole match! I suggest voting for a stretcher match because there's NEVER been a bad stretcher match in wrestling history! I'd also book the finish like this! Before the match, Finlay goes to see his old pal Hornswoggle and BEGS him to interfere in the match because it'st he only way he could possibly win! But Hornswoggle is wearing a suit and lots of bling and has a man servant BUFFING his shoes and is talking on his cell phone to his new celebrity friends the Olsen Twins and he says "I simply do not have the time nor inclination to lower myself and interfere in your affairs, Master Finlay. I bid you good day!" proving that he's a REAL McMahon now! So Finlay is in despair and Rey kicks his irish ass all over da ring until finally (or should I say Finlayly!) you see a little guy in the green outfit run out and he suplexs Rey right on his head maybe breaking his neck and Rey is carried away (or should I say aRey!) on the stretcher and Finlay wins! Then Finlays says "thanks mate, I knew you'd come through, I'll buy you a pint of guinness...hey, wait, you're not Hornswoggle!" and he pulls the hat off and the little guy says "of course I'm not, I'm Tazz!" And this starts a DEADLY new alliance between Tazz and Finlay now that the ECW and Smackdown roosters are combined!
Matt Hardy versus MVP - Options are wrestling match, boxing match or MMA match. What's the point in voting for a wrestling match? That's just the default option! That would be like voting for them to come out to their regular entrance music and wear their regular ring gear: pointless! I say we vote EN MASS for a MMA match because that's the only type of match the WWE can't fix! If it's a boxing match they can put extra padding in their gloves so the punches don't work (this is how boxing matches in wrestling are always done) but if it's a MMA match it'll be FOR REAL because once you lock two men in the octagon the primal rage takes over and there's no booking that! As such I won't say how I'd book it (since it can't be booked!) but I will say that I think Matt will win and possibly MAIM MVP since he grew up fighting Jeff for real in their backyard and some say the reason why Jeff is so crazy is because Matt used to choke him out and stop the oxygen getting to his brain! Other says it's because Jeff does drugs.
Tirple H verus Umanga - Options are street fight, cage match or first blood. I (and you) will vote for first blood and here's why! I would have Umanga pull out a KNIFE which when you think about it is only logical since there's no DQ in a first blood match and the best way yo make someone bleed is with a knife! However just before Umanga manages to stab Triple H in the face, some kid springboards into the ring the takes the bullet (knife) for Triple H, right in the chest! Then Triple H pulls a sledgehammer out from under his kneepads and busts Umanaga open from ear to ear (busts his ears, too, if possible!) to win the match and kneels down concerned and says "hey kid are you...hey, you're Teddy Hart!" and Teddy kips up(!) and says "that's right and I was wearing kevlar body armour!" and this starts a new storyline where HHH is a mentor to Teddy! THe only problem with this booking is, of course, that Teddy NEVER does what you ask him to so instead of springboarding into the ring he'll probably do a 720 moonsault onto JR's lap and HHH will end up getting stabbed in the face for real! So either way it will work out good lol!
Undertaker versus Bautista - Fans choose the referee and the options are Mick Foley, Stoned Cold Steve Austin and JBL! This is a hard one! If we pick Stone Cold he'll just hit everyone with stunners and then hit all the midcard heels and probably divas if they don't like the taste of beer too! If we pick Mick Foley he'll just say "Bang Bang! Now I'm going to blatantly plug my new book! By SAYING that I'm blatantly plugging it that means that I'm not REALLY blatantly plugging! Although I am blatantly plugging! It has stories about the War in Iraq and how I met some politician no one's heard of or cares about so buy it! I'll count the three when I'm finished plugging! Bang bang!" So I say we should pick JBL because he really wants to be the referee and has worked the hardest to convince the fans to pick him so I say let's reward him for that! How I'd book it is that Undertaker is in the corner and Batista is punching him then Batista is about to climb up on the rope to punch him but stops himself and says "Hey, wait a minute, every time someone does that the Undertaker just gives them the last ride out of the corner!!" so instead of climbing up he gives Undertaker a spine buster but JBL won't count the pin because he's a heel ref! Then Undertaker makes his comeback but JBL hits HIM with the clothesline from hell because he's a heel ref! Then Sara, The Undertaker's wife(!) runs out and yells at JBL but then she gives Undertaker a low blow(!!!) and smiles sexily(!!!!!) and Batista smiles sexily at her(!!!!!!!!) and covers Undertaker and JBL does a quick count because he's a heel ref!
Randy Orton versus ???????!1? - Fans choose the opponent and the options are Jeff Hardy, "The Heart Break Kid" Shawn "The Kid" Michaels and Mister Kennedy Kennedy! This is a hard one again. The obvious choice would be to pick the worst wrestler in the world Mister Kennedy to totally sabotage the ppv and ruin it for the fans in attendance (losers!) and send a MESSAGE to WWE! On the other hand, it's about time a Hardy boy got in the main event and Jeff is the second best Hardzy boy we have! ON THE OTHER HAND, it's a tradition for Shawn to win the voting every Taboo Sunday! So it's a split vote...so I see we all vote once for EACH man so it's a three way draw! Then it's a four way and I'd have Orton lay everyone out easily with the RKO and JR says "BAH GAWD, CAN ANYONE SAVE US FROM THAT DANG RANDY ORTON?" and then the lights go out and SAVE US 222(!) appears on teh screen and it changes to SAVE US 22J(!!) then changes to SAVE US Y2J(!!!) and "BREAK DA WALLS DOOOOOOOOWN!" plays and Jericho (did you see it coming!?) comes out! Then Jericho says "Listen up you assclown, how DARE YOU lay out those three guys with the RKO...without letting me kick them in the balls first!" then he kicks them all in the balls and hugs Orton! Then Orton says "Haha, that's right, we are the new Rated RKO, Rated Y2RKO!" and they both do a funny dance!
Well I think we can all agree that this would be the best ppv of the month so y'all better vizzote the right way!
Well that's all for now, next time I'll have an interview with Ron Simmons or something (maybe he'll say "damn"!) so enjoy your lives if you can and send get well flowers to Lex Luger and I'll see you then!!!
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