Tuesday, 13 October 2009


OMFG I am back with more Hot NEwz! I've been gone for teh last year because I've been training to be a wrestler! Yes, while you rest of you DUMB MAKRZ (joke lol I love you guys...but not in a gay way!) have just been sitting in front of da computer writing about how Benoit should have held the world title for two years (whcih he should have, to be fair!) I've been at wrestling skool! And after a month of hard training from top trainers I became a wrestler! And I've been wrestling in indies (wrestling companies that don't appear on tv because they're ELEET and for hardcore fans only!) all over the country since then and I even won a match last week! Well, it was a ten man tag match and I wasnt tagged in, but my team won! And soon I'll get a tryout for the WWE and move to Ohio for OVW Valley wrestling! Then its only a matter of time before I'm called up and could become the next Randy Orton or Eugene!!!!1 And I've also been dating, of course! But I'll give you a full report of my wrestling career (but not the dating you pervertors!) some other time because first there's lots of news to report! This first stories old but it's so big that I HAVE to report it!!!

Stone cold got arrested for hitting a woman again! But this time, he was innocent! Here's what happened: old Stone Cold got married again to a hot Asian prOno star named Tess(!?) two weeks after meeting her, probably because he was drunk! And Stone Cold thoguht to himself "Jesus Christ son I got married to quick again, I've got to get out of this damn relationship!" and then she tried to shoot him but missed and the bullet hit a deer instead and she said she was AIMING for the deer but Stone Cold didn't believe her! So him and his lawyer hatched a plan and Stone Cold took her and the lawyer out to a steak house but after they had their stakes Austin pulled out divorce papers then pulled out a gun of his own(!) and aimed it at her and said "now biatch do what I say son and sign the damn divorce papers and ain't nobody gonna get hurt and I'll give you ten million dollars to leave me alone too so just sign the damn papers you piece of trash what?" But then she grabbed a stake knife and the lawyer said "She's gonna kill us all!" and grabbed the gun from Austin and tried to shoot her...but instead of a bullet, a flag with "BANG 3:16" came out because it was the same fake gun Austin used to make Mister McMahon pee himself on RAW back in 1996! Then Tess stabbed the lawyer anyway but Austin gave her a stunner in self defence and called the police but when they arrived he thought "Damn it son they'll think you hit her! Better get the hell out of here, what!" and he jumped into his pick-up truck and went on the run like OJ! But he was drunk (he's drinks beer with his stake because he's a read blooded AMERICAN!) and crashed into a tree and the police caught him! And that's the Stone Cold truth!

TNA is going to stop doing four ppvs a month and instead do one ppv a month which will cost four times as much as the weekly ones did! This is because Jeff Jarret thinks all his viewers are dumb hillbillies who'll be fooled by this trick and buy the monthly show. At the moment TNA only gets 108 orders a week on ppv, on average! This is because every show has Vince Russo turning heel or face and declaring his love for either the Satan or God and Jeff Hardy (Matt's gay older brother) is the world champion and he's even WORSER than JBL is!

Speaking of Brad "JBL" Shaw, the WWE likes him as the champeon because he's big and can talk but doesnt like him wrestling because he sucks...so they'll just keep him as champion without having him ever wrestle again! Great plan, even I have to take off my hat (an Austin baseball cap!) to that one!

Kurt Angle has became the Triple H of the Smackdown locker room! And by that I don't mean taht he's having sex with Stephanie McMahon (though he probably wants to!) but that's he's holding down Eddie and Cena to make himself look better! Eddie was supposed to win the 2/3 falls match in two straight falls, but five minutes before the match started Kurt went up to Vince McMahon and said "Okay, I have a better idea. How about I win the first fall AND the final fall making it clear than I'm the better wrestler, then Eddie can feud with Luther, as if anybody would care about that, and I can start a LONG feud with The Undertaker. Taker beats JBL for the belt at Survivor Series, where I beat Chris Benoit who's jumped back from RAW. Then I keeep beating Benoit and Eddie, win the Royal Rumble after drawing number one, then wrestle The Undertaker in a one hour iron man match at WrestleMania where the Undertaker puts his career on the line! I win by five falls to one (an intentional DQ) thereby ending Taker's WM winning streak, winning the WWE title AND ending his career all in one night and hold the belt for the rest of 2005. How does that sound?" Then Vince looked up from his newspaper (he wasn't even listening!!!!!) and said "Umm, sure thing, pal!" then Kurt said "whoooo!" WHAT AN ASSHOLE!

WWE has a STRICT new dress policy now where all wrestlers have to wear FULL suits and ties at all times, backstage, when their travelling, or even when they're just going to the shops to buy protein shakes! Except for Triple H who runs around backstage wearing nothing but a leopard skin thong!!!!

The Smackdown You're Vote campagne has started again! And I decided to email some of the country's top politicians to see what they think about that...and they all emailed back! First here's Governator Arnold Swarchaneggar!

"Hohoho, Smackdown your vote, haha, yes, excellent. Hahaha, I love wrestling, it is amazing, it all looks so real, hohohoho. You know, after I filmed my movie END OF DAYS Vince McMahon gave me the World Box Office championship belt for my movie END OF DAYS and I was very proud of that and I have it displayed in a room somewhere in one of my houses next to a poster of END OF DAYS. Haha, I earned it! And no girly men will ever take it away from me, haha! And the WWE Smackdown your vote campaign has earned my respect! It will help stop voter apathy, in fact, it will TERMINATE voter apathy, haha! It'll be the END OF DAYS for voter apathy! And all the girly men and manly girls in the world won't be able to do a thing about it, haha! END OF DAYS!"

Next to reply was Senator John F. Kerry!!

"I fully support the Smackdown Your Vote campaign, I think it's a great idea! You know, when I was in Vietnam, I served with a guy who used to be a wrestler. He told me that he used to be cheered as a hero, but the real heroes were people like him and me who served for their country. I think I saved his life, in fact, twice actually...but I don't like to talk about that. So be a hero, just like people say I was in Vietnam, but I wouldn't say that myself, of course, and support the Smackdown Your Vote campaign. I don't know much about wrestling, but I do know that voting for me would be a good idea! Vietnam! Sorry, typo. I meant...VIETNAM!"

What a masturwanker! Finally I got a reply from the Presidant (of America!) himself, George Dubya Bush!!!

"My fellow Americans: hello. I am sending you this message through the interweb using the magic of "e" mail. May God bless Bill Gates for inventing it. I would like to lend my full support to the Smack Down Your Boat campaign. I think it's a wonderful enterprising idea. I promise all you wrasslin' fans who sign up and vote for me that I will continue to defend America and its interests from terrorist foreigners, in the same way as our great American wrestlers defend America against evil foreign wrestlers like The Iron Sheik, Nikolia Volkov and Bret Hart. May God bless America, may God bless each and every one of you, may God bless Vince McMahon, may God bless Hot Newz, may God bless me and help me win, and may God bless God. Thank you."

Hail to the chef! If you're old enough, sign up and vote! I would!

The reason why John Cena alwayz wears a black armband is to mourn the death of his workrate and mic skills!!

Doctor of love Tom Prichard has been fizzired! He was the guy who hosted Byte On This with Kevin Kelly for ten years! But he got fired this week after he said that Triple H "isn't as good as Andre The Giant" and HHH heard it and fired him! Tom got the Doctor of Love name back in 1996 when he was in the Body Madonnas team with Skipp. He got the name by sleeping with Sunny! But to be fair, if sleeping with Sunny in 1996 gets you that name, then EVERYONE who was in the WWF then should be called the Doctor Of Love! Especially Bret Hart LOL!!!!

Speaking of The Hitman, his feud with Rick Flair continues with no sign of stopping! At this rate, it'll only stop when one of them DIES of old age! Ric said this about Bret on the Andre Agassi Show!

"Whoooo! I don't know why Bret took what I said so damn personally. Maybe Goldberg kicked him in the head again, whooo! Just because I said Shawn Michaels was ten thousands times as good as Bret, and that Triple H is twenty thousand times as good as Bret, doesn't mean that Bret wasn't a solid mid-carder! He was at least as good as Buff Bagwell, whooo! It's not my fault that for the five years Bret was a main eventer in the WWF they didn't make ONE dime! It's BRET's fault, whoooo! And Bret, if you're so great, how come you tapped out to Shawn Michaels sharpshooter right in the middle of the ring? Explain that, CHUMP! Whooo!"

But Bret hit back on his website!

"I can't believe what the latest things Ric Flair is saying about me, they're so unbelievable that they stretch believability to an extent which it's never been stretched before! How DARE he say I was "only marginally better than Scott Norton"! I'd kick him up the ass, but I'd probably have to punch some guy he was having gay sex with in the back of the head first to get there! How DARE he say that I did the same four moves in every match! First of all, there was five moves, and I did them in different orders sometimes! And they were better than his FAKE chops and FAKE fifteen backdrops in a match and FAKE figure four! That's right, I've been in the figure four, and it doens't hurt! Unlike the sharpshooter, which does hurt if you pull it back real hard! I want to stamp on his banana nose, but my foot would probably bounce off some guy's ass! Some guy who he's in the 69 postion with!"


Raw was TAPED last night in San Fransico! That's right, TAPED! The PTC has BANNERED RAW from ever being showen live again after one of the Diva Search biatches called Caramelle "a dirty, cum-guzzling, cock-loving gutter slut with a cock up her ass!" But this is good because my cousing GAILKIMSPERSONALNINJA was there in person in the front row! If his writing style looks familair it's becauze he's learned from the best, he's learned from Hot Newz! Take it away, dood!!!!!1

Thanx dood! The show started with a dark match between A Train and newcome Carlito Caribbean Cool Colon Junior! And this guy's JUST like Razor Ramon! Before the match he said, "Hey yo. Say hello to the cool guy. It's survey time. Who here is NOT cool? Okay, that's good chicos! And who here IS cool?" And we all cheered because we're cool! "That's good meng. Because I can't STAND people who aren't cool. I HATE THEM SO DAMN MUCH! I SPIT IN THEIR UNCOOL FACES! If you aren't cool, YOU DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE! I punch your mothers in the face for having such uncool children! Die!" Then he quickly ate an apple and flicked the core in Albert's face, just like Razor Ramon did! And his finisher is just like the Razor's Edge, except it's a DDT! This guy's going to be big!

Next weas Heat! First match was Val Venis versus Chuck Palumbo and everyone was shocked to see that Val still wrestles since nobody watch Heat! And before the match Val said "heh-heh-heh, hello ladies! You know something, the Big Valbowski is a lot like Hugh Hefner. Since we both have lots of sex, heh-heh-heh!" He's been doing this gimmick for so long that he's ran out of lines! After he hit the shitty Money Shot for the win I shouted "what's wrong, can't do a frogsplash?" and everyone laughed and Val looked sad! Loser!

Next Gail Kim came out looking hizzot for shizzot! And then "I ain't the lady to mess with w00t" played and I marked out because I knew it was going to be a match betweent he two hottest Divas (apart from Trish) so everyone set your VCR for this one! Gail put Victoria in one of her CRAZY submissions and the best way I can describe it is a cross between a sharpshooter, a crippler crossface, and a bearhug! But then the Mystery Woman came out and we all shouted "STEVIE!" and Gail was distracted and Victoria won! And then the Mystery Woman got in the ring and Victoria said "Okay Stevie I know it's you leave me alone" but then the Mystery Woman said "I THINK YOU BETTER RECOGNISE JUST WHO THE HELL I AM!" and gave her a Sky High! Then she slowly ripped her wig off revealing that she was actully D'Lo Brown all along! Then Stevie Richards ran out to help Victoria but JAZZ came up behind him and gave him a lowblow! Then Jazz said to D'Lo "Our plan worked perfectly, lover!" and they made out!!!!!!!

Then Lilian came out and sang that song about the purple-headed mountains or whatever and it was time for RAW is WAR's a thorn in your pie! And first match was Eugene versus Coach! Coach takes the mic and says "hey, Eugene, I have a fun new game we can play!" and Eugene says "I like to play games!!!" and claps like a seal and Coach says "that's great, kid! This is the game where we each take turns to lie down on our backs for three seconds! Sounds like fun? Okay, you go first." and Eugene lay down and Coach just pinned him right there! Then Eugene started crying and Lilian gave him a balloon to cheer him up but then Coach POPPED the balloon to huge heel heat and kicked Eugene in the balls! Then he liked his lips and said "Now for a taste of sweet lady Lilian" and grabbed her ass....

...but then "IF YOU SMELLALALALALALA!" played and the freakin' ROCK was here! And Coach quickly let go off Lilian and Rock said "The Rock is here, y'all, to have a good time, brothas! Let the Rock tell y'all something, and this ain't no lie, champagne, poontang pie! The Rock is out here to have sex with women, smoke weed, get high, eat a pie, and WHOOP the Coach's ROODY POO candyass y'all!" and gave the Coach a Rock Bottom! But then Uncle Eric Bischoff came out and said "hey Rock, let me tell your ass something, I run this show, not you! Just because you're a big hollywood movie star doesn't mean you can anything you want, nuh uh! I'm damn well sick and tired of you coming out here once a month and beating up the Coach! So tonight...I'm going to put you...in a match!" and we all cheered because finally we'd get to see the Rock wrestle again but then Eric said "yeah, that's right, an ARM-WRESTLING match! With me, Eric Bischoff! That's right, it'll be my arm versus your arm! And if my arm wins, you can NEVER beat up the Coach again!" Then Rock said "well damn cracka that's just fine with me, The Rock's arm will beat your arm, in fact The Rock will rip your arm out of its socket, make a fist with your hand, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways and stick it straight up your whiteass, y'all!"

JR announcets that tongiht will be an I Quit match between Triple H and Chris Benoit to finally find out who the better man is!

Next was a video of Lita and Kane at home in Kane's haunted mansion! And Kane has forced Lita to wash all his plates while he reads a newpaper and laughs at her! Then Kane says "Okay Lita I have a match with Rany Orton tonight but first I'm going out to a strip club with my best friend while you stay at home and do menial work" then Lita said "no Kane I'm serious Kane...no Kane, I want to come out too with you, I'm serious, you never take me anywhere Kane you monster" then Kane said "Lita, do you want me to send you straight to the depths of hell like I did Matt Hardy you bitch? Keep washing up!" then the doorbell goes and Kane says "that's my ride, ho, see you later!" and Lita is so shocked by his languag that she drops the plate she washing and it smashes! Then Kane looks angry and says "I bought that plate for you! I want you to pick every single piece up and EAT them!" and Lita starts crying and picking up the pieces and putting them in her mouth and Kane leaves, laughing!

Second match was Chris Jiercho versus Christian with Edge (wearing a groin brace!) as the special guest referee! And Jeircho hits teh lionsault for the first time in two years and Edge goes down for the pin but stops when he reaches two then just holds his hand up like he's about to count and Jericho says "what's that all aboot eh?" and Edge says "oh, it's just a FIVE SECOND POSE!" and Christian jumps up and attacks Jericho and Edge joins in! Then Trish comes out and says "give him the conchairtoe!" and they're about to do it, when Jericho gives them a double lowblow! Then Jericho grabs one of Christian's legs and one of Edge's and puts them both in the Walls Of Jericho at the same time! And at first Trish looks shocks but then she SMILES and says "oh Jericho you are so HOT!" and starts making out with him! And Trish says she finally loves Jericho back so they go to her hotel room for some hot loving!

Backstage, Rhyno is teaching Tajiri how to play cards (they dont have them in China!) when Tajiri picks up a card and looks shocked and Rhyno says "what's wrong little buddy?" and Tajiri holds up the card and it has a picture of FIFI on it and Rhyno says "OH SHIT, LOOK OUT!" and then La Resistiance appear as if from nowhere and destroy Rhyna and Tajiri and powerbomb them through the card tabel then Silvyan says "American pigs! La Resistance STACKED THE DECK against you and American imperalism, haha!"

Next it showed Kane at the strip club! And his friends sitting next to him but at first you just say his massive chest in a tuxedo and you don't see his face. And there's a lady dancing for Kane and Kane slips a five dollar bill in her panties and she thanks him then dances away but then Kane clicks his fingers and the five dollar bill goes ON FIRE and so do her panties and she has to pull them off! and Kane says "hahaha, this is my type of strip club! Her loins burn for me, hahaha!" But then his friends points at his watch and Kane says "Oh yeah, better get to RAW for my match with Randy Orton" and then his friend stands up and you see his face for the first time and it's MARK HENRY! And he says "I hate to leave all these fine ladies here, but you're right my man, time to go! Sexual choclate will be back later girls!" and they leave, but the strippers follow after Mark Henry because they all love his sexual choclate!

Next match was the returning Shelton Benjamin versus Ric Flair! And Shelton's new gimmick is that he's a cock bastard and at the start of the match he offers Flair a handshake, but then pulls his hands back and runs his fingers through his hair and Flair is so shocked by this display of cockiness that he does a Flair flop! Then Shelton gives Flair 8 backdrops but Flair gets a thumb to the eye and goes to the top rope, but Shelton just stands there looking at him! And Flair doesn't know what to do because it'st he first time ever his opponent hasn't thrown him off! So Flair has to jump at Shelton but he lands on his ass because he's an old man and Shelton points and laughs! Then Shelton starts hitting on a hot blond chick in the front row (she was sitting next to me and I watched her cleaverage all night!) and then William Regal runs out and says "take this you bloody sasusage monger!" and punches Flair with brass knux wrapped in barbed wire and Flair does a Flair flop! Then Shetlon gets da pin and says "my future's looking so bright that I have to wear shades!" and puts shades on!

Next was the Diva Search segment! And Stacy introduced Caramella, Christi (the HOT redhead!), Joy and the other one then told the other one to "hit the bricks sister and get to steppin'!" So it's down to three and Stacy says that they must try to seduce HER (Stacy!) to impress the viewers and I quickly started a "HLA" chant! So first Joy tries to seduce stacy by just walking up and down shaking her ass so we all boo because there's nothing lesbian about that! Then Christi is next and she says "I'm not going to try to seduce Stacy...but my ASS is!" and bends over and starts talking with her ass like Jim Carey used to do when he was funny! But then Caramella can't take it anymore and starts to pull something out of her mouth and Christi says "what's that whore, a COCK?" and Caremella says "no, it's something you use everynite, virgin!" and hits her with it and it was a STEEL dildo! Then she swings the dildo at Joy but it slips out of her hands and lands right next to me int he front row and the blond girl I told you about grabs it and says "I'M SHOOTING MY OWN ANGLE!" and jumps into the ring and rips Caramella's clothes off! And Joy keeps shaking her ass. Then Stacy says "Umm...great job girls!"

Randy Orton versus Kane was supposed to be next but first Randy comes to the ring to do an interview! "First of all I'd like to say...HELLO SAN FRANSISCO! I love you guys! Really, I truly appreciate all the support from my fans, even though I've never said it before. But I've always felt it, I'm a nice guy really. I love just about everyone, but there is just one type of person I hate...are there any HOMOSEXUALS in the house? Don't be shy!" And a few guys (NOT ME!) cheered! "Okay, that's cool because I LOVE homosexuals! You guys are great, I'm not threatened by your sexuality at all! Give a big hand for the homosexauls, everyone!" and we all cheered the brave gays except for one fat guy (played by the same actor who was Fatt Hardy last week!) who says "I don't like homos. In fact, I HATE them!" then Randy invites him into the ring and says "Oh, so you hate homos, right? I guess that makes you a hater?" and the fat guy nods proudly then Randy says "well guess what hater, the one type of person I don't like IS haters! You're a hater...and I'm...a hater killer!" and gave him a RKO to a big pop then said "everyone listen up to my new motto, words to live your life by...don't hate: celebrate!" But then the lights go off and when they're back KANE is in the ring and he tries to give Orton the chokeslam right away but Randy reverses it to the RKO in mid air and gets the pin! Then Mark Henry and the strippers run out so Orton escapes thru the crowd and I touched him as he ran by me!

Kane and Mark Henry and the strippers are still in the ring and Kane sits up and he's pissed! Then one of the strippers starts laughing at him and Kane is angry and the stripper rips her wig off and it's LITA in disguise! So then Kane grabs her and says "you know what? I can't wait another six months, you're having this baby right now! Our baby's very special Lita, it's a monster like me, and it can be born anytime...all it needs is a sacrifice..." and he chokeslams one of the strippers then Lita starts to clench(!) then the lights go out for twenty seconds and when they come back on there's a fully grown man in the ring! And he's Lita and Kane's son and his a big OVW guy with tattooes and his hair dyed red like Lita's! And Kane laughs then the son says "I am the Merroghovan and it is my duty...to kick some booty!" and gives Mark Henry a big boot! Then Kane laughs and says "hahaha, I am very pleased! And now, Lita, I don't need you and your womb anymore. And what do I do with property I don't need? I KILL IT!" and chokeslams her into a casket that was sitting next to the ring, then nails it shut and he and the Merroghovan wheel it backstage! Then one of the strippers gives Mark Henry the kiss of life to revive him, and he wakes up then pretends to pass out so she has to kiss him again in a comedy bit!

Next was the LONG AWAITED arm wrestling match between The Rock and Bischoff! ANd Rock says "okay jabroni hurry this up The Rock has to get back on the set of Spy Hunter y'all know it!" then Eric says "Oh, I'll beat you in my own time, Rock. Whether that takes an hour. Or a day. Or THREE MINUTES! Wait a second, did I just hear myself say THREE MINUTES!?" then ROSEY runs down in his super hero outfit! But Rock just laughs and says "damn man, you're sending the Hamburgular to jump me? Here's ten bucks brotha, go buy yourself some chicken McNuggets you fat sumbitch!" but then RIKISHI(!) runs in through the crowd (I touched him too!) and throws SALT in the Rock's eyes! Then Rock staggers around blind and Rikishi says "hohoho Rock now you know how I felt after I had lazer eye surgery! You never visited me in the hospital! I ran over Steve Austin for you and this is how you repay me!?" then Rock says "damn man you know I was busy filming Walkin' Tall man, can't we talk about this?" and Rikishi says "No talk, just PAIN!" and then he and Rosey crush The Rock between their massive asses! Then Hurricane comes out to try and talk some sense into Rosey but Rikishs superkicks Hurricane right on his broken nose then SITS on his broken nose and Rosey looks like he's having second thoughts about getting involved with such a evil man!

On the titan tron it shows Jericho and Trish in her hotel room! And Trish is down to her bra(!) and says "okay lover, time for sex, get in bed" and Jericho says "I'm so happy!" and pulls the sheets back...and Edge and Christian are lying in bed! And Edge says "dude, we just TOTALLY swerved you!" and they attack him then Tyson Tomko runs into the room and gives Jericho a big boot and slips on his ass! Then Trish smiles evily and says "There's only one man for me, Jericho, and it's not you...well actually, there's THREE men!" then gets into bed with Tyson, Christian and Edge and puts the lights out then you here moaning for a while then Edge says "ouch baby, go easy, you know my groin is hurt" then you hear Tyson(!) say "sorry!"

Next was benoit/triple H I quit match to finally find out who the better man is! and this was a grreat five star match and Benoit did like 18 German suplexes then got the crossface on and HHH fought it for five minutes but u could tell he was bout to tap when Batista distracted the ref and suddenly BROCK LESNAR(!!!!1) ran in through the crowd (I high-fived him!) in full football uniform and gives Benoit a football tackle! Then he picks Benoit up and slams him and says "touch down!" then HHH puts Benoit in the sleeper hold right in the middle of the ring andBenoit has no choice but to see "I quit!" then Lilian says "the winner and the BETTER MAN is Triple H!" Then Lesnar rips off his football gear...and he has an evolution shirt on under neath! Then Lesnar says "that's right, I never really wanted to be a football player at all! I've been biding my time and training to be the best wrestler ever, and what better man to help me to EVOLVE into being The Next Big Thing than the current big thing THE GAME TRIPLE H!" and hugs HHH! Then JR says "DAMN IT KING, GOD DAMNIT I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS CRAP, THAT BASTARD LESNAR AIN'T NOTHING BUT A BASTARD KING, WHAT KIND OF A MAN WOULD PRETEND TO BE A FOOTBALLER BUT REALLY BE IN EVOLUTION I HOPE HE GOES TO HELL DAMN HIS SOUL THE BASTARD!"

Finally it shows Lita's casket on the titan tron and she's still nailed in and you hear her banging on the lid screaming for help. But then the camera pulls back and you see there's more casket's next to Lita's then it pulls back more and you see dozens of caskets then HUNRDERS of them and it keeps pulling back until all you can see is miles and miles of caskets in a huge basement! And this is where Kane keeps the souls of all the people he's killed (I would assume!)!


Bizzack some other time with more Hot Newz, my friendz (and FIENDS JK LOL!)!!!!!!!!


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