Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled newz, dawgs! WOOF WOOF, RICK STEINER IS BACK!
But amazingly, that's not the biggest newz! The BIGGEST newz is that the biggest wrestler since Andre is the world champion, brutha! A lot of people are saying that this is a bad move because Khali's workrate is lower than Bob Holly's morals, but if you think about it, you'll find that it's ACTUALLY a realistic move! Great Khali is really really big, so realistically he WOULD beat all the other wrestlers in a fight! It's like when my little cousin (he's eight) tries to fight me but I just give him a big boot right in the face and Tree Slam his ass through the couch! That's what it would be like if one of your WORKRATE HEROES like AJ Styles or Funaki took on Khali in a REAL fight! So there's nothing wrong with him being a champion and I think he'll be a GREAT champion and you'll all eat your words in a month while Khali eats a victory curry (he's indian!) after beating Batista!
Mark Henry has quit wrestling to become an accountant! Henry will work the rest of his five million dollar a year contract before leaving forever at the end of summer! For Mark Henry he will be realising a childhood dream by taking up accountancy, he wanted to be one all his life! In fact it was his parents who PUSHED him into weight lifting, he never wanted to do it! He used to stay up all night training to be an accountant when he was supposed to be training for the 1996 olypmics! That's why he finished DEAD LAST! He never even wanted to be a wrestler either but the WWE offered him a 15 year contract at five million dollars a year and promised he'd get to have sex with hot babes so he couldnt refuse! But those hot babes turned out to be Mae Young and, even worse, Chyna, so Henry was quickly soured on da wrestling business and wanted out, but couldn't because of that crazy contract! His contract will finally be up next month where he'll job to Funaki in 18 seconds then JBL will say "I bet he wasn't ACCOUNTING on that happening!" then JBL and Hardcore Holly and all the other locker room leaders (Finlay, Boogieman) will start BULLYING Mark Henry live in the middle of the ring and beating him up and yelling "accountant go home and...account!" until IRS(!!!!) runs out and hits them all with his brieface and offers Mark Henry his hand and says "come with me if you want to live!" and Henry takes the hand and they skip off happily together to accounting school!
Jeff Hardy has been sent home! This is NOT because he's on drugs or any other "wellness" reason, it's simply because he refused to go home! He was living and sleeping at the arenas for days between matches! The owners of the arenas were sick of him hanging around playing his guitar and reciting bad emo poetry so they got Vince to order him home! He's better off at home anyway if you ask me, all his drugs are there!
In UFC and MMA newz...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Ashley will apear on hit reality teevee show Survivor: China! In this show she will have to survive living in COMMUNIST China as a COMMUNIST for three months and will be brainwashed into hating America! When she returns to Smackdown her new gimmick will be that she wants to stop capitalism! But she doesn't know what capitalism actually is, so she'll ask The Miz and he'll say "umm, capitalism means NOT having sex with me" and Ashley will say "so if I must stop capitalism that means I must stop NOT having sex with you? That means I should have sex with you!" and jumps on him, sexstyle, and The Miz gives a double thumbs up to the camera! Maybe she should have went on Survivor: CHYNA!
I know you all want SPOILERS for the Teddy Long/Chrystal wedding and I've never disappointed you yet so here they are! Just as Teddy and Chrystal are about to get married, Chrystal will say "you know what Teddy, why don't you sign over the General Managership of Smackdown to Vicki Guerrero and she can take care of it while we're on our honeymoon, baby?" so Teddy says "okay baby, anything for you baby!" and signs over general managership to Vicki and right away Chrystal smiles evily and says "Ha! I never loved you! This engagement, our whole relationship, all the sick unnatural things we did together in bed, all of it has just been to get Vicki the general managership of Smackdown, baby!" and Teddy cries and says "but why baby, why?" and Chrystal says "because, baby...VICKI IS MY MOTHER!!!" And she is! Then Teddy says "hold on a second baby, if Vicki is yo momma, who's your daddy?" and best man Ron Simmons grabs Teddy and gives him a spine buster and says "damn!" then makes out with Vicki! And the new first family of Smackdown's reign of terror has begun!
Since my girlfriend has been jailed for shoplifting again (she was only doing it as a joke!) I had nothing to do this weekend and decided to attend an indie wrestling show! In case you don't know, indie is a word that means NOT WWE or TNA! In this case it also means NOT ROH because this indie was cheaper than even that overrated crap! It took place in a highschool gym, there were only sixteen fans in attendance and the ring announcer was the gym teacher at the school! Anyway, I sat next to the hottest girl in the crowd, of course, but even she wasn't that hot, she was wearing sweatpants and had a mullet! I still performed the Hot Newz Shuffle for her when Gwen Steffani's banana song started playing though and she looked impressed!
The first match was some skinny guy versus some other skinny guy! The ring announcer (gym teacher) did say their names, I just can't remember them! Anyway one of the skinny guys did a space flying tiger drop in the first MINUTE and all the other dozens of sixteen marks started cheering but I just tutted loudly and turned my head and REFUSED to look because it was too early in the match for such spots! One of the skinny guys won with a stunner then said "HAHA, I'M STONE COLD NOW!" and asked for a beer but no one had one so he just kind of walked away, embarrassed.
Next match some guy came out wearing a CHEAPASS ant custome and the gym teacher called him "Ant Man!" So I stood up and said "Ant Man is a registered trademark of Marvel Comics!" because it is and respecting intellectual property has always been very important to me! But then the "Spider-Pig" song from the Simpsons movie played except they'd changed the words from "Spider-Pig" to "Spider-MAN" and a guy in a cheap Spider-Man costume came out and I was ready to stand up and give him a good lecture about copyright law but he looked right at me and said "I am an official representitive of Marvel Comics, haha, and I'm here to say CEASE and DESIST!" and gave Ant Man a dropkick and his ant costume flew apart and I marked out! Then Spidey did the Spider-Man dance (you know the one!) and made out with mullet girl and I don't blame him for that because she was hotter than Kirsten Dunst!
Next up was a woman's match! I thought it was stupid how they said "woman's match" instead of "Diva's match" because everyone knows in the carny language of wrestling women are called divas but apparently this cheapass indie didn't know! Anyway the first woman came out and she was pregnant! I had paid good money (three bucks) for my ticket and wasn't going to accept this and I stood up and said so but she said "I'm not pregnant you fucknose, I'm just fat!" Then the next woman came out and she asian but NOT hot and I didn't think it was possible for an asian diva not to be hot before this but I was proved wrong! The fat girl got her down for a bonzai drop but then the asian gave her a low blow and the fat woman said "ouch, my penis!" and it turned out it was the guy who played Ant Man in a fat woman suit! And he powerbombed the asian through four tables.
The ring announcer said it was time for a special appearance by former WWE star Rikishi and the banana song started playing again but instead of Rikishi it was his twin brother SAMU dressed up as Rikishi and he said "I'll run over y'all like I ran over Austin...but my license has been revoked!" then the banana song played again and he walked away without even dancing!
Next was the match for the tag titles and the champions were a black guy and a white guy in red tights so look out for them when they debut in the WWE and the indie is so cheap that they didn't even have belts, they just held up wrist watches instead! The challengers were a black guy and a white guy in green trunks so look out for them when they debut in the WWE too! There was lots of good double team moves and even some SINGLE team moves until eventually the champions won with a double punch then held up their wristwatches proudly!
The ring announcer said it was now time for another WWE star to make an appearance in the main event...and it was El Gran Luchadore! I was all ready to stand up and complain that this was a rip-off until I saw him up close and saw that it was the REAL El Gran Luchadore so instead I applauded furiously for this big star! Then his opponent was announce as The Immoral Hank Rogaine who came out smoking a cigarette and pinching women on the ass and laughing "I'm immoral!" to himself! El Gran Luchadore went for a LUCHA DIVE right away but his foot got caught on the top rope and he landed right on his head and might have died I don't know so Hank Rogaine just posed in the ring for ten minutes until Spider-Man came out again and dropkicked him!
Overall I have to see that my experience at the indy was a positive one...for the wrestlers, having teh honor of competing in front of a famous internet journalist like me! For me the show was THE WORST NIGHT OF MY LIFE and I asked for my three bucks back but the promoter said "I've already spent it on chips!" so I stole some of his chips and ran away.
Sign ideas!
WWE put a smile on my sign's face!
SNAPE BLOWS UP HARRY POTTER'S LIMO ON PAGE 518!
Batista Fears Castro!
The XFL bombed (Vince's limo!)
BENOIT REFERENCE REMOVED IN POST PRODUCTION
The Great Khali put my butt in this seat...by force!
There has been a lot of talk lately about teh use of steroids in wrestling. Personally, I had no idea ANY wrestlers did steroids until the mainstream media told me so! It was then that I decided to launch a FULL AND FRANK Hot Newz investigation into steroids in wrestling! I will lift da lid on the steroid use, the lid that is over the world of wrestling covering steroid use like a lid does, a lid none have been strong enough to lift before, but one I'll hoist high above my head with my mighty arms of journalistic integrity! But I won't use steroids myself to help me lift it, that would be unillegal!
First of all, I decided to score some roids (as they is knowen on the street!) for myself just to see how easy it is! Some kid who once threw a broken DDP action figure (it had no hands) at my window told me that a musclehead who hangs about outside my LOCAL GYM could get me roids! He also told me that I have to call them "spinach" because that's the code word this particular musclehead uses! Other muscleheads use different code words, like "strongpills" and "big-ups"! I found the muslcedhead hanging around looking shifty and flexing his muscles and said "hey there buddy, can I score some spinach?" and he said "what the fuck are you talking about, beat it kid!" Then I said "come on, you're body looks great, I want to look all big and strong like you too!" and he said "hey, are you coming onto me?" And I said "if 'coming on to me' is code for 'do I want to buy some spinach' then the answer is YES, I am coming onto you!" And he punched me! So I guess he wasn't selling spinach after all. Then I asked him if he had any pot and he said sure and sold me one Mary Jane leaf for $4:20, which is the going rate!
Anyway it became obvious to me that the only way to get to the bottom of this would be too interview some ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL WRESTLERS about steroid use! Since I'm hot newz and all the big stars talk to me I went straight to the top and first interviewed John Cena!
Me: You can't see me!
Cena: Well, no, we're talking on the phone.
Me: And you're blinded by your misplaced loyalty to Vince McMahon!
Cena: That too...hey, wait a minute!
Me: So tell me what you know about steroids.
Cena: What?
Me: You heard me!
Cena: No, I mean, what are they? Steer-roids? Huh?
Me: Steroids!
Cena: I've never heard of them!
Me: They're things you take to make your muscles bigger!
Cena: Huh? What are muscles!?
Me: Don't play dumb with me! You must admit you lifte weight to make your muscles bigger!
Cena: Not on purpose!
Me: Huh?
Cena: Look, if I see a weight I have to lift it a couple of hundred times, but I'm not doing it to get bigger or anything! It's just an OCD thing, a compulsion! Sure, I lift weights, but I don't MEAN to!
Me: Do you have a lot of weights just lying around your house?
Cena: I live in a gym! But I didn't know it was a gym when I bought it, I swear!
Me: Well answer me this then...why did The Marine suck so much?
Cena: Not enough explosions!
(Phonecall ends.)
Next I decided to talk to a man who knows a lot about the steroid problems in wrestling (for some reason) the Lethal Weapon Steven Blackman!
Me: So what do you think about the steroid problem in wrestling?
Blackman: There's a huge steroid problem in wrestling and something must be done!
Me: I'm surprised you said that!
Blackman: There is NO steroid problem in wrestling and NOTHING must be done!
Me: What!?
Blackman: I have to go, I'm having a party...
Me: At your home?
Blackman: Yes. THIS IS MY HOUSE!
Me: Okay, cool!
Blackman: IT'S PARTY TIME!
(Phonecall ends.)
Next up I decided to call the other CERTIFIED expert in the field of wrestleroids, The Wild Marvel, Marc Mero!
Me: Johnny B Badd was the best gimmick ever!
Mero: Umm, hi, who is this?
Me: A journalist!
Mero: Right, let me FAX you my list...
Me: Never mind that, tell me what YOU know about steroids, FIRST HAND!
Mero: Look, I could go into graphic detail...
Me: Do!
Mero: But the important thing is...
Me: Hey, how about you tell me about when you injected some substance into Sable!
Mero: Is that a sexual remark!?
Me: What? No! I'd never be so crude!
Mero: Ohh, sorry...
Me: I'm talking about the time you took a big needle and...
Mero: Hey, wait a minute, Sable was never on steroids!
Me: ...a big needle full of SILICONES and injected them into each of her two BREASTS!
Mero: I didn't do it personally! Vince did it! I mean, uhh...shut up!
Me: How does it feel knowing that Sable is currently having sex with Brock Lesnar in Japan RIGHT NOW probably while some pervy japanese people watch!?
Mero: Don't you want to talk about the issues, seriously?
Me: No, I want to talk about Sable's boobies, seriously!
(Phonecall ends.)
Well I wasn't getting anywhere with this line of questioning, so I decided to go to an old source, the very first person I ever interviewed for Hot Newz...all hail King Booker!
Me: Hello again, OLD FRIEND!
Booker: Oh man, not this crazy fool again!
Me: You sounded like your dad there!
Booker: I am NOT related to Mister T!
Me: Say, "I ain't gettin' on no plane, fool!" Not if Brock Lesnar is flying it anyway! He'd start having sex with Sable and crash!
Booker: Crash Holly is dead, man, show some respect!
Me: That's not what I meant...OH EM GEE!
Booker: ...forget I said anything, okay.
Me: About what?
Booker: About the wild bisexual threesomes we wrestlers frequently engage in, sucka!
Me: Okay!
Booker: Look, why don't I put Stevie Ray on...
Me: NOOOOO! I want to talk to someone who's actually been on tv in the last ten years! What do you think about STEROIDS!?
Booker: Look man, no one HAS to do steroids to get ahead, but yes, perhaps more could be done to discourage their use. It's a very complicated issue.
Me: Is it true you inject them up your ASS?
Booker: How about I inject my foot up your ass?
Me: Have you ever down roids? Because I asked Cena and he said he does them all the time! He said he was eating ice cream laced with roids while talking to me!
Booker: If I say yes, will you promise to never call me again?
Me: Sure!
Booker: Yes then.
Me: Is that why you stare at your hand like that? Because you use that hand to inject steroids?
Booker: No man, I stare at my hand like that because I use that hand to masturwank!
Me: !
Booker: ...SUCKAAAAAAAAAA!
Goldust: Mmmm, Booker, come to bed, Sharmell is waiting!
(Phonecall ends.)
Well I think we can all agree that we'll NEVER get to the bottom of the steroids in wrestling question so we should all just relax and watches some jello pudding Diva matches instead of stressing! Bizzack soon with more Hot Newz!!!!
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