Thursday, 15 October 2009


OMFG I am back with more Hot Newz here in 2007! I can't BELIEVE it's 2007 already! We must be getting close to the year when Jesus will return and save the worthy (me, Chris Benoit, Maria) leaving the rest of you ALONE with nothing but YouTube to fill your days! So I guess you won't actually notice the difference, LOL! But until that glorious day we may as well talk about wrestling! I know you all want me to get on with the top 100, I've had LITERALLY emails asking me to continue AS SOON AS POSSIBLE but it's a new year and I just HAVE to report the new newz! So later I'll take a lizzooksee at what's going to happen in 2007 (and you will be shocked!) and first we'll take a look at the lastest headlines from around the world of wrestling!

Okay there aren't any, so let's now look at what will come up in 2007!

The Royal Rumble will be in January, as is tradition going all the way back in time to the olden days of 1991 (before then the Rumble was in September!) My sources are telling me that teh winnier of the rumble will DEFINATELY be from RAW...or Smackdown and NOT ECW...unless there's a BIG SWERVE in which case it could be ANYONE!

Speaking of ECW (and nobody is) all signs point to Lashley suffering an INJURY in February and the ECW title being decided in a one on one match between Hardcore Holly and Test who just turned face five minutes earlier by saying "these fans don't suck Holly, YOU SUCK!" which ends in 8 minutes when Vince McMahon walks out after a double clothesline and says "all right pal I admit it, ECW SUCKS it's not my fault it's probably Heyman's or Shane's or Tazz's but whoever's fault it is there's only one solution, ECW, YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRRRRRED! And by that I mean I'm shutting this promotion down and those tickets you bought to this show are NON-REFUNDABLE, PAL!" and the lights go off and when they come back on the ring is empty so the fans can't even throw garbage at Vince!

With ECDUB gone, CM Punk and his now REAL LIFE girlfriend Kelly Kelly (who's so hot that I can't even look at the likes of Maria anymore without feeling sick, sick because she reminds me of a HIDEOUS SNAKE-MONSTER (Madusa/Alrondra Blaze) compared to the extremely hot looks of Kelly Kelly!) will end up on Smackdown to feud with Finlay (who else)! Finlay will teach Punk how to work by giving him a STIFF beating (Hot Newz Note: the stiffness in ROH is cleverly faked by teaching the fans to go "OOOOH!" after every move so that they sound more painful than they actually are) and when Vince is finally sure that Punk can work he'll get to turn heel for no good reason and move up the card!

In a shock move, WrestleMania will be in March! The main event will see the big man Batista defend his title against the Undertaker who will be defending his Wrestlemania win streak! My sources tell me that this time the Undertaker will yet again to keep the winning streak alive! However after the match he'll say "Batista, you can closer to beating me than even Giant Gonzales did" and muss up his hair a bit and they'll hug so Batista will get over due to RESPECT~~!

The other big main even, the RAW and therfore REAL main event will see John Cena defend against "Rated O" Superstar Randy Orton! Orton will get the shot by winning the Royal Rumble (unless someone else does) by hiding drawing number 29 and just standing outside the ring looking scared then running in and throwing Shawn Michaels over the top after Shawn has just eliminated 9 heels by himself and only one of Shawn's feet will touch but FINLAY'S MIDGET will pull him down so they both touch setting up another big feud! Orton will get a further rub by pinned Cena in a tag match after a blinded HHH gives Cena the pedigree and then he'll lose to DX every week until WM just to show that he's vulernable and HHH and Shawn will be the special ringside enforcers for the WM match and Orton wins after HHH gives Cena a pedigree accidently ON PURPOSE because Cena was blinded and spat on him!

Also at WM Shawn versus Finlay, HHH versus Edge (Edge loses) and Rey Mysterio makes his shock return by giving Benoit a 619 right to the groin and saying "you never visited me in the hospital and Eddie's memory told me to do this!" then backstage you see Vicki slap her forehead and say "here we go again!"

K-Fed is training with Johnny Nitro to become a REAL wrestler and will make his REAL debut the day after wrestlemania just like Brock Lesnar did many years ago (Hot Newz Note: Yeah, but so did Spirit Squad last year!)

TNA will be in business for ALL for 2007 and they'll get excited when they get a 2.4 rating one day but then they find out that it was really just a 1.1 rating again and Kurt Angle had changed it to make them think he was drawing big ratings! Angle will then be punished by feuding with Rhyna for six months a feud which will see Angle sleep with Ryhno's wife, Rhino piledrive Angle's wife through a table, Angle kidnap Rhyno's children and brainwash them into putting Rhyno in an ankle lock, Rhyno cutting angles breaks, a first blood DEATH match where they both get busted open at the same time and a doctor declares them both legally DEAD and finally, Rhyno coming out as Angle's tag partner one day with no explanation and them winning the tag titles!

Kelly Kelly will become so popular that she'll get her own talk show segment on Smackdown called "Kelly's Talkshow Segment on Smackdown" where she'll interview the now former British Prime Minister Tony Blair who's trying to make it big in da states and she asks him if he's read Harry Potter and he says "no but I'd like to see your HAIRY potter!" and then his wife runs out and drags him back to England by the ear! (Hot Newz Note: Great angle!)

The King of the ring will be won by Paul London(~!) who is finally getting the push he deserves and then Booker refuses to hand over the crown so London sleeps with Sharmell for revenge and she ends up pregnant, who's the father? We don't find out until 2008 so I can't reveal it yet!

DX will continue all throughout 2007 because it's what the fans want to see (Hot Newz Note: Yeah, the GAY fans!) until in December Shawn announces his retirement but Hunter destroys him with a sledgehammer and a brick then says "now you can't retire, bitch, because you have to get revenge on me!"

Benoit will do nothing interesting in 2007 except have great wrestling matches (Hot Newz Note: Yawn!)

Eugene will try to sexually assault Maria and Hacksaw will make the save and Maria says "how can I repay you?" and Hacksaw says "HOOOOOOOOO!" so Maria hires a prostitute to sleep with him and it's Lita making her return to wrestling!

Mickie James and Victoria will be fired after losing a "loser leaves town and must show their tits" match to Torrie Wilson and Candice Michelle! But they won't show their tits.

Survivor Series will be in Montreal again and at the end of the show Vince comes out to the ring and says "alright Bret I know you're here come out and fight me like a MAN!" and a man in a Bret Hart mask runs out but Vince EASILY destroys him and then pulls the mask off and it's really ZACH GOWEN (with a fake leg) then Vince just kind of shrugs and walks backstage and JR says "what the hell was that crap!?" and the show finishes.

The Rock will never ever NEVER appear in the WWE again because he's too good for that crap.

Mick Foley will appear anytime he has a crappy self-indulgent book about water rides to plug and act like he's too good for this crap even though he isn't.

"Y2J" Chris Jericho will debut for TNA but due to copyright reasons will have to be known as "2000 Man" Christopher Irvine and he won't even be allowed to use Fozzy (Hot Newz Note: Not for copyright reasons, just because they suck!)

Well that's EVERYTHIGN that will happen in 2007 now onto the 2006 awards (did I mention I'm having them?) before everyone forgets about 2006 (I've already forgotten the first six months of it!)

MOST IMPROVED WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: Lashley. Say what you will about Lashley (like "he sucks!") but you can't deny in his first match he REALLY sucked hard and yet now you can actually watch one of his matches as long as it's short and kind of enjoy it if you're in a good mood or high so that's why he gets the award!

MOST UNIMPROVED WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: Triple H. Say what you will about Triple (like "his sledgehammer looks so fake that I can't watch his matches with my parents in the room anymore because I'm so embbarrassed") but there's no denying that at the start of the year he was still showing shades of his old technical marvel days by carrying the Big Show to good matches with technical moves like arm-locks but now you'll be lucky if he does three moves (knee to face, spinebuster, pedigree) in his D-Generation CRAP matches and I hope Edge and Orton "accidently" tear his quad again because it's been a long time coming!

BEST NEWCOMER: K-Fed. No explanation needed.

MOST MISSED: Steve Irwin. I can't remember if any wrestlers died in 2006.

WRESTLER WE THOUGHT WE'D MISS BUT ACTUALLY DON'T: Trish "the sellout" Startus who was never all that hot anyway (just compare her to Kelly Kelly!) and who now pretends to be a cop on reality tv in Canada which is an insult to REAL wrestling cops like the late Big Bossman and the late Mountie!

HOTTEST DIVA OF THE YEAR: Kelly Kelly! DIShonorable mention to Lita who is SO dirty that I can't even tell if she's the hottest woman alive or the most skankiest human (not just woman!) to ever live anymore...but that didn't stop my masturwanking to her furiously!

MATCH OF THE YEAR: Bryan Danielson versus Cedric Diggory in Ring Of Honor (not yet released on DVD.)

SHOW OF THE YEAR: Wrestlemania. It had its faults (all the matches) but they don't call WrestleMania the Grandpappy of them all for nothing!


BEST BRAWLER'S MIDGET: Finlay's midget.

BEST CATCHPHRASE: "Ric Flair, you don't spend a lot of time with your kids...because you're too busy hitting their mom!" - Mick Foley

WORST MATCH OF THE YEAR: The Great Khalie versus the Undertaker in the Panjabi Prison. So bad that they had the Big Show wrestle in Khali's outfit and nobody noticed (they were all asleep!)

BEST TAG TEAM: The Undertaker and Kane, of course! Yes you could say LOndon and Spanky but you have to be realisitc, it they thought Undertaker and Kane they'd be lucky to get out of it alive! They'd be lucky to get out of it DEAD in fact (Undertaker and Kane might turn them into zombies!)

WRESTLER OF THE YEAR: Finlay! Who would have guessed that a 55 year old Irish man living in a shack on the mountains somewhere would be called up to main event every episode of Smackdown ever and do a good job just by hitting people really hard! No one can forget that time they just had him and Benoit wrestle for 40 minutes one week because they couldnt think of anything else to put on the show! Nobody can forget when he was supposed to turn face against Regal but the fans didn't know and booed him anyway! And not one stinking GODDAMN person can forget the time he trapped Matt Hardy between the apron and the ring and beat the crap out of him! For all these reasons and one more (the midget!) Finlay is the wrestler of 2006...AND BEYOND!?!?!

New Year's REvolution is this Sunday! I tried to get spoilers from my usual source but he was still drunk from new year! So instead I asked my girlfriend WHO DOESN'T EVEN WATCH WRESTLING what would happen!

Cena versus Umaga - " Cena is the buff one isn't he so he'll get the win with a bodyslam!"

DX versus Rated RKO - "Umm...they're both like, initials? So I think DX will win because their initials sound dangerous! DangerousX!"

And that's all she'd say because she didn't know who any of the other wrestlers, even though she's STILL a better writer than everyone else on the internet I think you'll agree!

Well that's it for this year and by that i mean 2006 even though it's 2007 now lol time is going so quck that we'll all be Finlay's age soon but before then you can enjoy the concluding parts of the Hot Newz 100 coming soon and you'll NEVER guess who's number one, no it's not just The Rock or someone obvious like that, it's a SHOCK SURPRISE that you'll NEVER guess so look out for that!!!!1


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