Sunday, 11 October 2009


OMFG, I am FINALY back with more Hot Newz!!!!! And even though Ive been gonne for six months, some things never change: Tripel H is STILL ruining the WWE! Yestarday he cleanly beat RVD and last week on RAw, that selfish bastard ruined a ****3/4 star match between RVD and Shawn Micheals! But what you dont know is that he also ruined Smackdown! It was Triple GAY's idea to do the tasteless Stephanie had a peroid angle and it was his idea to have Big Show versus Mae Young as the main event! And his plan is to make Smackdown suck so that teh ratings will go down and he'll eventually suggest to Vince to put Triple SCUM on both shows and Vince will have to do it because if he doesn't Triple ROIDS will give away all of Stephanie's sexual secrets!

Well I think we should stop Triple BALDSPOT! I managed to get a hold of his secret plans for the nexxt few monthz and they r disturbing reading!

"At Armageddon, it'll be me, Shawn and RVD in a triple threat match. And I'll pin Rob right in the middle of the ring with a pedigree, then give him a SECOND pedigree after the match so he'll be out of action for 3 months. This will give him time to kick his weed habit and maybe learn to work the WWE style like me, and cut WWE promos like mine. Anyway, I'll then fight Shawn in a Loser Most Retire Streetfight at the Royal Rumble. I'll win, obviously, then afterwards break his back. Drop a piano on him or something. Then show x-rays showing that Shawn's back is broken, so that everyone knows that I ended his career! Then at WrestleMania, I can beat that big muscular over guy...what's his name again? Steiner? Lesnar? Ah hell, I'll beat both of them! Then show x-rays of our arms showing that my muscles are bigger!"


Al Wilson and Dawn Marie's wedding will be at Armogeddon! But just as Al's about to say I do to the hottie, Torrie will play a video which shows Dawn in bed with The Big Show and Paul Heyman! And Al will then kick Dawn to the curb because he thought she was a virgin! And then he'll make up with his hot daughter (but they won't have make up sex, get your mind out of the gutter you pervert!)

Speaking of weddings, Chyna and X-Punk are getting married! X-Pac and Chyna's romance started durring a match between them in Jappan. X-Pac's tights fell down right before he was supoosed to do a bronca busta, but he completed the move anyway and Chnya SUCKED IT, if you smell what I'm cookinG! (she gave him a blowjob!)

DID YOU KNOW...that Rikishi has never been to Canada...that Rhyno and Billy Kidman are former ECW tag team champions...that Jeff Hardy is constantly in so much pain that he can't wipe his own ass and has to have a boy scout do it for him...that the reason Linda McMahon can't show emotion is because she actually wears a rubber mask on television to keep her identity a secret so that she won't be hassled by fans in airports and zoos and other public places...that Tazz lived in his car for 14 years before getting his big break in ECW as a ring announcer...that Rico was undefeated in that game where you're inside a big sphere on American Gladiators...that Big Show once ate his own shoes by mistake during an eating binge?

WWA RESULTZ!!!!!!!!!1

One of my UK peepz was at teh WWA show in some English countrie (Glasgow or somethin) and he sent me the results! Thanx BULLDOGLIVES182!

"OMG dood I was at the WWA show and you wont believe how GAY it was! It was gayer than Elton John and George Michael put together times a MILLION! First of all, the production was hella lame. They didn't have enough money for proper lights, so they just had lots of lamps on big sticks! And the ring was only like four feet by four feet! And they only had two ropes on each side of the ring instead of three and there was no turnbuckles, just rusty nails where the turnbuckles should be that the wrestlers kept scratching themselves on! And they didn't have a proper speaker system either, they just had Disco Inferno standing behind a curtain singing the wrestler's entrance music really loudly! GAY!

Puppet versus Teo - Hardcore Midget Match

These guys had TWICE the work rate of everyone else even though they were TWICE as small lol. But it still sucked apart from when one of the midgets did a fucking ganso bomb from the top rope through a table covered in thumbtacks, that was cool. But then the other midget no sold it and did the people's elbow for the win then flipped me the bird!

The Godfather versus Perry Saturn

Godfather brought out Hoes and this was cool because in the UK, women are allowed to be topless in public if you don't know that. And they were all hot topless page 3 girls and I bet you would have been masturwanking if you had been there, dood! And I shouted "Show us your tits!" at one and she said "but I already am showing my tits" so I shouted "I was being ironic!" and she said "Huh?" so I said "Suck it, biatch!" and everyone laughed. And Saturn won in 20 seconds then kissed one of the page 3 girls then said he's "got wood" and pulled Moppy out from under the ring and made out with her!

Konnan versus Norman Smiley

Smiley's still a homogay but Konnan's still kewl and I sant along to "bowdy bowdy, rowdy rowdy, kiss a lade-ay!" or whatever it is he says! And Konnan did a 619 for the win but he did a kewl version of it where he ran really slowly and barely swung on the ropes at all and nearly fell out of the ring.

Nathan Jones versus Disco Inferno

This match normally would have sucked sour frog ass, but it owned because Disco had a head set on and did commentary during his own match! And when Nathan held Disco up for the powerbomb Disco said "if you complete this move, you're a gay!" but Nathan did it anyway and everyone laughed and you've got to give Disco props for that one!

Joe E Legend came out and told stories about his time in the WWF. And he told a funny story how one time he hid Bradshaw's (note from Hot Newz: It's Brad Shaw you cockinass dumbass!) cowboy hat, so Bradshaw got revenge by putting rat poison in Joe's food and Joe nearly died and had to have his stomach pumped. Bradshaw's such a ribber!

Sabu versus Simon Diamond

I don't know who this Sabu guy is, but he's a big thief! He totally stole the Dudleyz table gimmick! But instead of doing cool 3Ds and powerbombs, he did lame ass leg drops onto the tables that looked lame and I chanted "We want the Dudleyz!" at his lame ass. And some people in the crowd were chanting "ECW, ECW!" so I shouted "No, it's WWA you numbnuts!" and that showed them! And Sabu won with a leg drop or something, who cares, Bubba and D-Von and even Spike could kick his copycat ass!

Sting and Lex Luger versus Buff Bagwell and Malice

Sting's like a total born again Christian now, so he doesn't like violence and refused to tag in and fight his opponents and he kept turning the other cheek every time Luger tried to make the tag! So Lex just kind of rolled around breathing heavily and Bagwell sat down and breathed heavily and Malice just kind of looked around confused and kicked Luger in the ribs occassionally and Sting eventually got pissed off and gave Malice like 5 scorpion death drops and got the pin! And then Bagwell started crying because his team did the job.

I've been to almost 3 wrestling shows in my life and this was without a doubt the worst wrestling show ever!!!!"

OMG, thizzanks for that report dood!


HBK = His Back's Krippled!

Hey Stacy, make love to my testicles!

Bischoff ATE the ratings!

DON'T get well Randy!!!!


Angle drinks a white liquid, and I'm not talking about milk! (It's jizz!)

Matt doesn't have Mattitude, just a bad attitude!!!!!!!

Eddy Guerrero did NOT sell me oranges, he makes a healthy income as a pro wrestler!

Chavo, on the other hand, doesn't make as much money and DID sell me oranges!

(Prolly best to make sure u hold those last 2 signs together!)

OMFG, can you believe that my relateonship wiht CRZ (not a sexual relateonship lol) started over a year ago!?!?1? And to celebreate I'm now going to intview again the first person I ever interview for the Slash, Booker Tea and his friend Goldust too! And there is that interview right here and now!

Me: Can you dig it!? Hello Booker!

Booker: Sup, dawg?

Goldust: Hello boooooooys!

Me: How's the last year been for you, Booker?

Booker: Man, it's been great! The WWE's treated me great, dawg! This time last year, I was in a feud with Steve Austin. And now, only a year later, I'm mainly doing the job in tag matches! I've come so far, man!

Me: Are you geing sarcastic!?

Booker: No way, dawg! I really am happy with how my careers has went. And it's all thanks to my good buddy Triple H! He really looks out for me. He's the best wrestler in the WWE today!

Me: You totally are being sarcastic! Triple H sucks and he's holding you down!

Goldust: Sssssssh! My handsome young friend, Booker knows that if you suck up to Triple H, you can get a push. So shut your cute little mouth and let him suck up!

Me: Sorry. And thanks for calling me cute!

Goldust: Nnnnnnnnnnno Problemmmmmmmm. Mmmm...

Me: Lol.

Booker: Hey, I remember who you are now! You're that sucka who interviewed me a year ago and insulted my brother Stevie Ray!

Me: Yeah that's me, lol.

Booker: What's wrong wit chu? You said WCW was for gays!

Me: WCW was for gays!

Goldust: I was in WCW...

Me: You just proved my point, ROTFLMAO!!!

Booker: Knock that crap off! What were we talking about again?

Me: Triple H.

Booker: Oh yeah. He's a great guy...

Goldust: Mmmm, he is indeed. But even though Triple H is the Game, Booker and I are the ones with the bigger bats and balls!

Me: LOL! So let's talk about the spinaroonie!

Booker: Bro, everyone always wants to talk about the damn spinaroonie! I'm sick of talking about it, dawg.

Goldust: Sooooo, let's talk about my newest move which will be debuiting on Raw soon, the ring hump.

Me: What's that dood?

Goldust: Basically, I lie down on my belly and start humping the ring.

Me: That sounds cool!

Booker: It does not! It's stupid!

Goldust: You're just angry because I tried to do the ring hump on you...

Booker: I told you I don't go in on that crap! I'm dating that black chick who used to do interviews anyway. Uhh, Sharmell.

Me: She's hot! Do you stare at your hand after you'd had sex and say "I just made you orgasm five times, fives times, fives times, fives times, fives times?"

Booker: ...yeah, I actually do that.

Me: LOL. So Goldust, I bet you're glad you dumped Terri when you did! She's all old and skanky and skinny now.

Goldust: Actually, she broke up withe me.

Me: Oh, well you're lucky anyway...

Goldust: I still fall asleep crying every night, thinking about what I used to have...excuse me...

Booker: Good job kid, you made Dustin cry!

Me: LOL, what a homo. So Booker, how come you did so crappy on The Weakest Link?

Booker: I was just staying in character!

Me: Oh, so you're not really dumb? So if I asked you who the first president of the United States was, you'd know the answer.

Booker: Of course!

Me: ...

Booker: ...

Me: So, who was it?

Booker: Oh. was that guy with the hat, wasn't it?


(Phonecall ends.)

What a dumbass! Everyone knows it was Gerald Ford! Back soon with more Hizzot Newz for all my HOMIEZ on the Hot Newz HOMIE train!!!!!


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