TNA UPDATE: If you haven't been watching TNA in the last month...you're one of 99.9999999999999% of all wrestling fans! Here's a RECAP of the recent goings on in TNA and the good thing is that these are also the FUTURE goings on in TNA since the same things just happen again and again so you'll never have to watch, ever!
Sting was teaming up with Samoa Joe against Kurt Angle and AJ Styles in a handcuff tag match (you're handcuffed to the post until you're tagged in!) when Christian ran down with the keys to the handcuff but shocked everyone by freeing STING so Kurt Angle kicked him in the balls but then Sting turned on Joe with a baseball bat to the balls and hugged Kurt and Christian popped up and he was wearing a cup over his ballz but then AJ was upset becaue he wasn't in on it so Karen Angle gave him a DDT but then Sting gave Kurt and Christian a double scorpion deathdrop and made out with Karen(!) but then she passed out and Sting revealed he was wearing KNOCKOUT GAS lipstick but Joe was upset because Sting didn't tell him the plan and gave Sting a Stone Cold stunner but then Abyss ran out to save Sting who recently become his adoptive father but then Abyss turned on Sting with a blackhole slam onto a pile of AJ action figures and ripped up the adoption papers and you see Father James Mitchell control him with a remote control and Joe thought this was nasty of Abyss and gave him a Rock Bottom but then AJ thought Joe was the one who destroyed his action figures and spat on him but he missed and the spit hit Don West who slapped Mike Tenay hard on the face out of instinct and then Jeff Jarrett ran out and strapped the belt around his waist and the rules stated whoever did that was the champion so Jeff was the champion(!) but Jim Cornette came out and said Jeff must defend against Christopher Daniels but then it showed Daniels laid out backstage and Ron Kililngs and Adam "Pacman" Jones were eating a bottle of pills and So Cal Val asked what they were doing and Jones said "I'm Pacman, so I'm eating POWER PILLS, bitch!"
That actually sounds quite good!
Ric Flair has quit the WWE forever! It happened at some point in the recent past when Flair marched into Vince's office and said "WHOO, I want to speak to Vince, WHOOO, fire me!? Fire me!? WHOOO! I'm already fired! I mean, quit! I'm already quit! WHOOO!" then started bouncing off the walls like they were ring ropes and dropping elbows on the floor until eventually Vince said "What the HELLLLL are you talking about, pal?" and Flair said "Oh, right. Umm, I 'm really old and stuff so I'm quitting wrestling while I've still got both hips and one kidney" (he donated his other to Arn Anderson!) Then Vince said "Oh, you quit? WELL YOU CAN'T QUIT PAL, YOU'RE FIRRRRRRRREDDDD!" and Flair said "WHOO fire me Bischoff, I'm already fired, whoooo!" and put the figure four on Vince's chair. They went on like this for 68 minutes, then civilly worked out the terms of his release.
WWE is planning to open a special European company in Europe! It will be called WWE Europe (WWEE prounced "Wii!" to cash in on the Nintendo magic!) and they have signed up stars like "The British Bullfrog" Jimmy Boy Smitts, "The Neutral" Sally Swede (from Sweden!), "Danish" Danny Denmark (from France!), Na Zee from Germany (comedy rapper!) and Nathan Jones (who moved to Europe after Austrlia disowned him!) They will also send D'Lo Brown to Europe to be the European champion even though there are no black people in Europe.
Since the WWE is in CRISIS at the moment with people being suspended for stuffing themselves full of drugs (and not even COOL drugs!) and the company is FALLING APART BIT BY BIT BY DAMN BIT I decided to go to a house show and see the death of the WWE firsthand (or should I say first EYE since you don't see with your hands!) and laugh at it!
First up the Fink came out and said as an "extra special treat" he'd be ring announcing because Lillian is having her "monthly visitor" (she must have a friend over to stay once a month, maybe Trish Stratus?) but then Coach ran out with a BROWN ENVELOPE and a worried look on his face and said the results of Fink's drug test are in! Fink opened the envelope and said "damn it, I knew I shouldn't have smoked that joint this morning!" and walked backstage in a huff (or should I say PUFF LOL!) and Coach said "well, I guess we need a new ring announcer..." and I jumped up and said "PICK ME, PICK ME!" and Coach shrugged and said "well, it is highly irregular to have a fan announce the show but what the hell, the company's imploding anyay and you look pretty cool so come in the ring!" and I got in the ring and Coach high fived me and I got to be the ring announcer ALL NIGHT LIZZONG!
First match was Matt Hardy and MVP versus Da Greaseballz (as I called them!) Deuce and Domino! I also announced Matt as the best and SEXIEST Hardy Boy becasue my girlfriend thinks he is and he gave me a funny look as if to say "damn right I'm better and sexier than Jeff!" Anyway MVP just came and sat next to me at ringside and let Matt do all the work and he told me I have a future as a ring announcer and then talked about his time in prison and I told him how I used to roll with gangs and he was very interested and we're good friends now! Da Greaseballz hit the Crack 'Em In Teh Mouth on Matt but MATT HARDY WILL NOT DIE and he kicked out and hit the Twist of Fate! Cherry was supposed to break up the pinfall but she slid off the apron becasue of her rollerskates (don't wear rollerskates if you don't want to fall!) and landed face first on the hard floor and was knocked out! I immediately ran over to her...becasue her skirt had blown upwards on the fall and I got a good look at her ass! And I think someone must have given her CPR because no one mentioned her dying and they probably would have told me if she had.
So you probably think this was a Smackdown show but NO, because of so many wrestlers getting handed BROWN ENVELOPES this was a tri-branded show! The next match was Mickie James versus Beth Phoenix and I announced Mickie as "Michael James" as a little joke but she looked hurt and told me not to say that again. Beth DOMINATED with her massive upper arms until Candice Michelle came out and started stripping! She stripped all the way down to her wrestling gear(!) before Mickie rolled Beth up for the pin! Then I announced "the winner of the match...Michael James! So manly she has TWO male names!" and did a crotch chop and Mickie left crying. To be honest I don't know why I did this because I'm actually in love with Mickie and have 28 posters of her on my bedroom wall and this ruined my chances of ever sexing with her. :(
Next up was CM Punk defending the ECW title against Elijah Burke! I announced Punk as "the NEW ECW champion...but only because all the better wrestlers were suspended!" which was quite funny if I do say so myself! Anwyay this match was BORING AS THUNDER! Think of the most boring CM Punk ROH match (one of the hour-long chinlock snoozefests with Samoa Joe, zzzzzz!) and multiple that by a million! Punk won with the Go To Sleep...WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT HE DID TO THE AUDIENCE LOL! I had a sign making a joke to that effect but it would have been unprofessional to hold it while I was ring announcing.
Next up was SUPPOSED to be Mark Henry versus Funaki (it said so on my cards) but Funaki is SUSPENDED for taking human growth hormone (obviously he hasn't taken enough!) so Mark Henry just came out by himself and said "Yeah, that's right, that coward Funaki, you people's hero, he didn't show up tonight! When he heard he was going to fight the big silverbad gorrila, he took the first train home to Japan! And Undertaker? You big dead dummy? I'm going to kill you so hard that you'll be double dead, deadman!" Then DONG played and the lights went out and we all went crazy thing Undertaker was there but instead a DRUID ran out to the ring and bodyslammed Mark Henry(!) then ripped off his droid robes and it was FUNAKI underneath! Funaki said "I didn't go home on a train, I came here to cause you PAIN! In-DEED!"
Jeff Hardy came out for his scheduled match with Umanga (so say the cards!) but obviously he didn't show and Jeff just stood in the ring looking bored while girls screeched at him (a situation I often find myself in!) until TEST(!) ran in and gave Jeff a big boot right in the face nearly and took the mic and said "Yeah that's right, I'm Andrew "The Dagger" Martin and I'm back! I got a phonecalled today from the WWE and it said 'hey Andrew, lots of our guys have been suspended because the feds are trying to SCREW US, want to come back and work house shows? You'll only wrestle if we can't find anyone better and you'll never appear on tv again beause we don't want anyone to see you and we won't even pay you much money' and I decided this offer was too SUH-WEET to pass up so here I am to put a dagger through your heart or should I say a boot through your FACE! I used to date Stacey Keibler!" And while he was saying all this Jeff had gotten back up and Test turned round and looked at him and it was awkward and Jeff just said "Umm, can I go now?" and Test said "sure!" and Jeff left then Test pointed threateningly at some fans and left too!
Well there had been TWO non matches in a row now and I was getting restless and thought of going backstage and complaining to Vince (as an employee it's my right!) but luckily next was a good solid match betwene Finlay and Kane! Finlay did all his cool EURO things like forearms and biting and Kane amazed as all with his top rope clothesline and some biting of his own! Kane hit the chokeslam but then Coach ran out with a brown envelope shouting something about Kane's "test results" but Kane just glared at him and the brown envelope burst into flames and burnt coach's hand (look out for the burns on RAW!) and Kane got da pin!
Next the Miz came out and said "I'm supposed to be hosting a bikini contest, but all the divas have been suspended...for sexually assaulting ME! So instead, I'm going to host a men in their underwear contest! Come on out man number one!" and it was HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN(!) in a banana hammock which was disturbing and Miz said "Okay, come out man number two!" But Hacksaw whispered something to him and Miz said "Really, fired? Damn, I liked him! Uhh...come out man number three!" and Santino(!) came out but he was fully clothed! And he said "This is an outrage! How dare you ask me to be naked in public! In France...I mean, Italy, I'm suppose to be Italian...I am Italian! Mama mia! In Italy, public nudity is BANNED!" then Hacksaw said "hey, wait a minute, I've been to Italy and people were naked there all the time! And not just the HOOOOOOOS! You're not realy Italian at all!" and Santino said "sacre bleu!" and rans away! Then Hacksaw just walked out through the crowd randomly slapping hands with people. Miz said "umm, the winner is...uhh, that kid who's doing the ring announcing!" and that kid was ME in case you forgot which means I won my very first WWE match and am currently undefeated in WWE competition!
Finally it was time for the main even with LOTZ of star power! It was a huge interbrand tag match with John Cena, HHH, Batista and Rey Misterio versus Randy Orton, Mister Kennedy, Giant Khali and Chavo Guerrero! HHH came down to his old them of U2's "Beautiful Day" but performed by Motorhead! But when Chavo's music played he didn't come out (GEE, I WONDER WHY) and Great Khalie took the mic and said, IN PERFECT ENGLISH(!) "well it looks like young Chavito cannot be here tonight, but worry not, fans! I have found a suitable substitute, MY YOUNGER BROTHER, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Daivari!" and Daivari came down waving the Indian flag (well, could have been any flag really, how am I supposed to know!) so obviously a new angle is going to be that he's Khali's brother and they were testing it out here so look out for that on tv soon! anyway the match lasted ONE HOUR since they had time to fill and everyone ran through all thier moves (HHH's moves: punch, spinebuster, knee to face, water poser, pedigree!) until eventually Orton kicked Cena in the head and the referee said "he's dead!" and the match just ended right there! And Orton strutted around like a big peacock while the other faces looked down at their fallen hero but Cena opened his eyes and WINKED(!) and it was a set up, he wasn't dead at all! Cena popped up and the faces clean house and gave Khalie a quadrouple team suplex(!) then Cena's music played for ten minutes and I got in the ring and celebrated with Cena, HHH and Rey (Batista was there too but I wasn't celebrating with HIM!) Everyone agreed that I was the star of the show!
Well it was obviously THE BEST HOUSE SHOW EVER and if you recorded it on your phone please upload it to youtube so the whole world can see my ring announcing skizzillz!
My Sign Tested Positive For Hilarity!
Rehire Sandman Or I'll Start Chanting A Rude Word!
Cryme Tyme Stole My Heart (Bring 'em Back!)
Mister Kennedy screwed up my Sign! - and have the letters all screwy and drawings of screws!
First Stacey, Then WWE, Then ECW, Now TNA: Who Will Dump Test Next!?
Unforgiven is THSI Sunday! And, as always, I managed to get my hands on the booking sheet and read it and I'm reproducing it here! I should mention that I only got to read it for 30 seconds and I was drunk at the time, so I might not remember everything, but, in general, these results shoud be 100% accurate!
Matt Hardy and MVP versus Greasballz - Exactly the same as the house show match I attended, right down to the smallest details, EXCEPT Candy goes to the top rope this time and slips off (don't wear rollerskates if you don't want to fall) and crashes down into the spanish announce table fifteen feet below and MVP looks worried and walks over and helps her up...then gives her the Playmaker! MVP says "okay, Candy's taken care of, put them away, Matt!" and Matt hits a double twist of fate for the win! Then after the match Candy is being carried away on a stretcher but Matt goes to the second rope and puts her through the stretcher with a leg drop!
Candace Machelle versus Bethany Phoenx - Candace is DQified for destroying hitting Beth with that wand she carries sometimes! She keeps hitting her and hitting her until Beth bleeds then LICKS the blood off the wand!
Hornswoggle versus Jamie Noble - Not that he's a McMahon, Hornswoggle is accopmioned by the McMahon Family Retainers (two guys in masks!) Noble dominates the match with powerbombs and brainbusters and is about to KILL Hornswoggle (maybe literally!) with a tiger bomb when the Family Retainers sneak in and give him a 3D and Hornswoggle wins! Then the retains take off their masks and they are really THE MEAN STREET POSSE(!!!!) of Pete Gas(!!!!!1) and Rodney (meh) and Pete says "you know what, Hornswoggle? You Might only be half the size of Shane, but you're twice as cool!" and a bunch of models with breast implants storm the ring and bounce Hornswoggle between their tits and you see Shane looking on obviously jealous!
Trevor and Murdoch versus London and Kendrick - Before the match London says "guess what boys, we got ourselves a new manage to replace Ashley who just mysteriously diappeared a few months ago...and it's LITA!" and Lita comes out to a massive cheer because it's been a year now since she was last seen and that's enough time to forgive her for the vile crime of being a SLUT and besides she looks hot and Londrick win after Lita gives Murdoch a top rope rana then Lita says "I'm going to take Brian and Paul all the way UP to the very top! And tonight, they're going to go all the way DOWN on me!"
CM Punk versus Elijah Burke - Elijah goes for the Choo-Choo Express but misses and breaks both his knees (ouch!) but then KENTA runs in because he's just signed with the WWE and gives Punk the Go To Sleep and says "You steal my move? I steal your LIFE!" and whips a bandage off his arm (he has a bandage on his arm) and underneath he has a Pepsi tattoo!
HHH versus Carlito - Before the match Coach comes out and says "you know what, it's not really fair to let Carlito fight HHH without a biased referee in his favour, so therefore the special guest biased referee is...Carlito's Dad, Carlos Caribbean Cool!" and he comes out and he looks just like Carlito only with BIGGER hair and also he's fat! Carlito tries to hit HHH with his patented STEEL apple right away but HHH ducks it and knocks Carlito out with a PUNCH and goes for the pin but Carlos counts really slow until eventually Carlito kicks out! And HHH looks suspicious. Then HHH hits a bodyslam and obviously has the match won again but Carlos grabs his chest and fakes a heart attack so he doesn't have to count! HHH looks concerned because he's a good guy at heart and values all human life, but Carlito gives him a backstabber then climbs to the top rope with the sledgehammer and jumps off drilling it right into HHH's face! Then Carlso does a superfast count...but HHH kicks out at one anyway! Then HHH looks angry and Carlito looks scared and goes for another backstabbe but HHH just laughs and says "yeah, thanks for massaging my back with your knees!" and hits DA PEDIGREE! The impact of da pedigree is so severe that Carlito POOPS HIS PANTS and you see a big brown stain! His dad looks at him and says "ah forget it, you're a lousy son anyway, HHH rules!" and counts the three! Then HHH and Carlos celebrate for ten minutes by eating coconuts (HHH smashes a coconut open with his sledgehammer and drinks the milk!) until finally HHH just spins round and gives Carlos a boot in the gut and the coconut milk goes flying out his mouth (it's not at all like when Austin kicks someone when they're drinking beer by the way) and hits da pedigree on the old man and he POOPS HIS PANTS too! then HHH looks down at them both (Carlito has been down for twelve minutes now) pulls out an apples, eats it (taking up another three minutes) and throws it down between them, then looks at the audience for another two minutes and finally says "I guess it's true what they say: the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...POOPY-PANTS!" and that pay-off was totally worth it!
Undertaker versus Mark Henry - Mark Henry better be hungry, because Undertaker is serving up SOUPBONES! Unfortunately Undertaker has not yet recovered from his injury so SOUPBONES (punches by the way!) are ALL he can do! So when he goes for the old school rope walk the lights go MYSTERIOUSLY out and when they come back on Mark Henry is holding his arm in pain and JBL says "Man, that was the best rope walk ever! I saw it with my night vision!" Then the lights go out again and when they come back five minutes later Undertaker is in the gorillahug and JBL says "there's no way Undertaker can get out of this!" then the lgihts go off and right away JBL says "he got out of it!" then right before they come back on another five minutes later JBL says "Ballgame, BALLGAME!" and when they come back Henry is laid out like he's just been tombstoned and Unertakers gets teh pin!
The Great Khali versus Rey Mysterio versus Batista - Rey hits the 619 but Khali no sells it because he's got a big head and if you kick someone with a big head it doesn't hurt them (makes sense!) but he turns round into the GORE GORE GORE by Batista! Batista is going to go for the pin but Rey starts crying and Batista says "what's the matter, little fellow?" and Rey says "it's just that today is the second anniversary of Eddie's death! I just really wish I could win the title today...for Eddie." So Batista looks into his heart and says "okay Rey, you can win it...for Eddie!" and Rey gets the pin and wins the title! Rey is handed the belt and he looks at it all emotional like then looks at Batista and says "HA! Everyone knows Eddie died in November, SUCKAAAAA!" and kicks Batista in the ballz and runs away with the belt! Then Khali crushes Michael Cole's skull with the claw to get his heat back.
John Cena versus Randy Orton - Before the match Cena dedicates the fight to his father, who is at ringside. Orton wins after twenty minutes of hard fought action with the RKO. Cena looks dejected afterwards and his dad comes into the ring. Cena apologises for losing and letting his father down and being a bad son. His dad says "You're not a bad son at all, John. You know why, YOU LOSER? Because I HAVE NO SON!" and punts Cena in the head and walks out! Carlos comes up to Daddy Cena backstage and says "hey, wanna swap sons?" and Dad Cena grabs him and throws him through a door and says "get out of my way, poopy-pants!" This is the start of a new storyling where Cena tries to win back his father's love. It will be abandoned and never mentioned again after three weeks.
Sounds like a grizzeat, sexy show!
Well that's all for now but FIRSt here's some things to look out for in the comings weeks and months!
- Matt Hardy + MVP + Drunken Night In Las Vegas = Gay Wedding!
- Kane starts reading comics instead of wrestling because he's sick of losing to Finlay all the time and he is shocked to find that Captain America has been killed off! Decided that American needs a new hero, he changes his name to CapKANE America: The Red, White and Blue Machine and starts fighting for America's freedom against supervillains (like Finlay)! For three weeks.
- Teddy Long and Kristal's wedding is interrupted by THE MIZ who comes out and says "Hey Kristal, how can you wear white when we had an affair back when we were on Tough Enough together! HOO-RAH!" then Kristal says "It's true, we did!" and runs away crying but Teddy says "hold on a minute, he was on Tough Enough, yeah, but you were on the Diva Search!" and Kristal pasues then runs back and says "oh yeah, he must have been lying then!" and the wedding goes ahead!
- Edge returns but wrestles in a suit of armour to avoid further injury!
- Karen Angle in Playboy!
Well that's all for now, be back soonish with more Hot Newz AND THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT, SON!!!!
SANDMAN GETS NEW JOB AT RVD'S COMIC STORE? CHRIS JERICHO TO LIE AND LIE AND LIE ABOUT STEROIDS IN WRESTLING ON TALK SHOWS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO RETURN TO THE WWE IN TIME TO PROMOTE HIS BOOK? SPEAKING OF BOOKS, MICK FOLEY TO WRITE A NEW ONE COVERING JANUARY 28TH TO FEBRUARY 16TH OF THIS YEAR AND TO ONLY BE ABOUT HOW HE VISITS SICK KIDS AND HATES GEORGE W BUSH AND NO ACTUAL WRESTLING CONTENT EVEN THOUGH THAT'S THE ONLY REASON ANYONE WOULD POSSIBLY BUY IT? RIKISHI AND SAMOA JOEY SECRETELY HATE EACH OTHER IN REAL LIFE DUE TO SAMOAN MAFIA HISTORY BETWEEN THERE FAMILIES? PLUS BILLY KIDMAN RELEASES SEX VIDEO OF TORRIE WHICH IS REALLY JUST HIM IN A BLOND WIG PLUS THE HOT NEWZ ARCHVIE CLICK HERE!