But first some Newz! Goldberg was THIS close (three inches!) away from signing with TNA: NWA but pulled out at the LAST SECOND (and we've all done that before, right guys!? LOL!) when TNA signed Big Popping Pump Scotty Steiner to a ten year contract. This is becasue Goldberg is best friends with that smelly hippy DDP and Scott STeiner once threw DDP's then sexy then wife Kimberley out of a moving car than beat DDP's face until it looked like hamburger (UGLY hamburger!) and Goldberg refuses to work with Steiner or even be in the same building. So bascially it's DDP's fault that we'll never see the Goldberg/Monty Brown dream match that we've all dreamed of, the bastard!
Randy Orton has been suspended for six months! It happened because Orton took a poop in Melina's panties because she wouldn't sleep wtih him (bitch!) then she put in the panties on and everyone could smell it and she thought she shit her pants and had to go to the doctor and he made her take pills to stop her pooing but Randy swapped them with laxatives and she shat all over Johnny Nitro! Then he called her the C word! Then Undertaker tied up Orton in a hotel room and tortured until he admitted it was all his doing (and also admitted to video-taping Vince and Linda having sex!) Personally I dont think Orton did anything that bad anyway and they should all lighten up and let him come back but that can't happen either becuase Kurt Angle broke Orton's ankle for real as extra punishment on Smackdown!
Chirsty Hemme has signed with TNA! The plan is to do a triple threat "naughty schoolgirls" match between Christy, Gail Kim and Traci with Jackie Gaydar as the referee "headmistress" in dominatrix geart. Well, it's my plan anyway.
THis new Umbaagoo guy is of course the former Headshrinker Samu as any smark mark will tell you! And he is using the running stinky face to the corner move as a tribute to his brother Rikishi who had to retire after botched lazer eye surgery!
EASY DUB will be BACK full time in just one month booked by Paul Heyman and Francine with every show coming LIVE from the Bingo Hall! The new EXTEME roster will include RVD, Sabu, Tommy Dreamer, Super Crizzazy, Tazz, Jeff Hardy (should make the gays happy!), Perry Saturn, A-Train and Road Warrior Animal!
And now for my hot WrestleMania review that you can't read anywhere else (unless someone copeis and pastes it the bastard!)! This was a very controversial WM and some said it was the best since WM20 but others said it was the WORST since WM20 so as you can see there is diverse opinions so lets not waste no more space and ger right to the review, right now, this minute, here on Hot Newz...muthathucka!!!!!!
First up was the one from Destiny's child who isn't Beyonce and isn't even Kelly singing some song which WASNT the national anthem and I got bored and wished the fans would start a "we want Beyonce!" chant but they pussied out but luckily they redeemed themselves later more on that later. DUD
Kane and Big Show versus Christopher Master and Carlito "CCC" Caribbean Cool - This sucked beacuse we all know Kane needs X-Pac to carry him to good tag matches and Big Show needs Billy Gunn (the Showgunns were underrated!) to carry HIM and they didnt even do a double chokeslam beause they could have broke Carlito's back but I think they should have took the risk for WrestleMania.***
Honey in the Bank Ladder match - This one SUXORED because there weren't as many cool spots as last year's (which was overrated anyway!) and Finlay did NOTHINg even though the internet says he's some super worker but I ain't buying it and Fliar took one little superplex off the ladder and had to go backstage for a rest because he's so old and I can't even remember who won (RVD) but I'm sure they didn't deserve it!***3/4
Chris Benoit versus JBL - this was a HYOOGE disappointment but if you think about it wans't a surprise beacsue Benoit might have ruled once but he's like 45 now and all he can do is chop so he's turning into the next Ric Flair and JBL is FLABBIER THAN YOKOZUNA nearly! So even though this was better than any indy match you'll ever see it was NOT up to WrestleMania standards so I went to watch an episode of Futurama I'd just downloaded on my computer but it was the GHEY episode where Leela finds her parents so I chopped my monitor in disgust! JBL won holding teh ropes BTW which is NOT a WrestleMania standard finish.1/4*
Edge versus Mick Foley - OMG this one was BALLZ OUT GREAT! At first I thought Foley was looking FAT AS FUCK again but then he ripped his shirt off and it was revealed that the fat was actually BABBED WIRE! And he cut Edge's arm up and I couldn't believe it because you could see his tendon and his funny bone and everything he was so cut up and Edge proved he's is a MUCH bester worker than his brother Christian (who SUCKS in TNA because eh's trying to be Hulk Hogan!) and he even took a bump on the thumptacks with his BARE BACK which no one has EVER took before not even Foley so he earned my respect. The finish was obviously faked (if you look closely you can see that there were ringboys under the ring with fire extingusihers and they sprayed the fire out right before Foly and Edge hit it) but it still looks great and all the dumb marks fell for it so it ruled and did I mention Lita's RACK? Match of the year so far.*****++
Boogity Man versus Booker T - This match was all about the comedy of man eating worms then sexually transmitting those worms by way of a kiss to a girl (Shermall) so in that sense it was a HUGE SUCCESS but on the other hand the wrestling SUCKED SOUR FROGASS and Boogity is even worse then Nathan Jones because at least he could do a spin kick.-*****++
Trish Startus versus Mickie James - OMG this was the BEST woman's match since Faboules Mullah was young (1908!) because of the STIFF action and the stiffiness in my pants when the fans turned Mickie James face because she's HOTTER THAN TRISH it's true and she danced around and they cheered louder and louder and I got happier and happier so I missed the end but I'm sure they didn't mess up the finish or anything so it gets ****3/4!
Undertaker versus Mark Henrdy casket match - This was a BIG TIME disappintment to me because I really think Mark Henry has improved a lot lately if you've seen his recent house show match with Matt Hardy you'd agree (I've seen them all on UTUBE!) and he really let me down here! In fact this match was MOVE FOR MOVE just exactly the same match as Undertaker versus Yokozuna casket match at Survivor Series 92 but that one had CHUCK NORRIS as special guest referee and he kicked Jerff Jarett so hard that he did a headstand so obviously that beat Undertaker doing a kewl running dive! DUD
Shawn Michales versus Vince McMahon - this sucked because it was like a jobber match on Velocity as Vince got no offence! And while I was watching it I realised that I was wasting my life and could be doing something more productive like getting LAID or hanging around in the MALL and I was just about to turn it off when I saw Shawn jumping off the ladder onto Vince who was in a trashcan on a table whcih was pretty cool so I decided to give wrestling another chance!*3/4
Rey Misteriouso versus Kurt Angle versus Randy Orton - OMFG, it was SO OBVIOUS that triple H cut time out of this match so he and Cena would have more time to do chinlocks and I was so angry I started thinking about the getting laid and mall stuff again until Kurt won me back with some SAH-WEET suplexes the likes of which haven't been seen since the days of Tazz! Rey won after five minutes by pinning Orton but now we all know this is only because Orton was getting suspended so obvously he wasn't trying hard (what's the point in being champion if you aren't on tv for six months?) and he could have won if that wasn't the case!****1/2
Torrie Wilson versus Candace Michelle pillows and panties match - GAY! I didn't even get the sLIGHTEST hint of a hard-erection and even though I had masturwanked over Mickie earlier I still could have had another one! They should have put Melina, the returning Christy Hemme (this was before she had signed with TNA remmeber!) and ASHLEY~! (who cares if she's got a broken leg, just have her in a wheelchair) in it instead of Torrie and Candice the tired old HAGS. Good wrestling though.***
HHH versus John Cena - HHH's entrance was fooking BOSS as he came out dressed up as Konnan (NOT the fat one who throws his shoe) with a cool 3D graphic of a skull and Motorhead sang his superb new entrance music LIVE but they didn't want to appear on camera so they sang is backstage where you couldn't see them but they were there! Cena's entrance has the entire Ring Of Honor roster come out dressed as gangstas but of course no one recognised them but they probably got paid more for this than any of there indy matches! Then Cena came out with a gun and actually shot it for REAL which was pretty kewl because I wanst expecting it and I actually jumped off my sofa in surprise! But i am NOT a member of the chain gang, okay, let's get that straight! All they did in the match were punches and chinlocks HOWEVER the timing of the punches and headlocks were great so that made it great and the fan reaction made it SUPER GREAT! The fans chanted "Fuck you Cena, you fucker!" and "Cena's a poor worker!" and "X-Pac heat!" at Cena! They also chanted "We forgive you for holding down Jericho" at Tripel H which was nice of them and I forgive him too. HHH should have won as everyone knows so I have to knock off a quarter star.****3/4
This was one of the best WrestleManai's I think ever mabye even better than WrestleMania 4 and you should all buy the DVD right now and also buy me stuff on my amazon wish list while you're there!
Backlash is THIS Sunday live from the CONTINENTAL AIRLINES ARENA and here are the FOOL SPOILERS!
Ric Flair versus Umango - Flair is kicking his ass and also kicking his leg to set up the figure four which he puts on but then Armando the Cuban lights up a Cuban cigar (Joey Styles: "Those things are illegal!") and burns Flair in the eyes with it! Then Umbonga hits a frog splash off the top for teh win and the fans cheer because they think it's a tribute to Eddie Guerroer. Then Harmando says "Haha! A big win, haha! For my monster, haha! Oh, and by the way, haha! The frog splash? Haha! That was NOT a tribute to Eddie Guerrero, haha!" and the fans boo and throw garbage at him!
Carlito versus Christ Marsters - Carlito stands with his back to Masters chekcing out some hot chicks in the crowd so Masters sneaks up and puts him in the Masterlock but Carlito just slips out right away and kicks Masters in the balls seven times and rolls him up for the pin! Masters is confused and Carlito says "hey yo! You wanna know how I broke the masterlock? Let's just say that Carlito never leaves home with greasing up his neck!" and pulls a bucket of grease out from under the ring and throws it over Masters and Masters goes to run after him but slips in the grease and tears his quad!
RVD versus Shelton Benjamin - They're having an excellent technacal wrestling match when suddnely the referee is bump! RVD hits the five star frog splahs but there's no referee. Shelton's MAMA then runs out and gives RVD a DDT right on the money in the bank briefcase and he does his cool headstand sell! Mama revives the referee by FARTING ON HIM and Shelton gets the win! Shelton says "Now I've got it all! I've got my bling-bling, I've got the title belt, I've got the money in the bank and most importantly I've got MAMA, come on give me some SUGA!" and he hugs her and kisses her right on the mouth and Mama is shocked but then she grabs him and sticks her tongue right down his throat and says "oh Sheltty, I'm not really you're mama, let's have sex!" and Shelton's eyebrows raise up and down dozens of times until finally he says "okay!"
Trish Startus versus the sexy Mickie James - Trish comes out dressed as Mickie dressed as Trish and Mickie comes out dressed as Trish dressed as Mickie! ANd the fans are confused. Then they hit a doulbe-clothesline and both are out. When they wake up they both go under the ring and Trish pulls out Mickie make-up and Mickie pulls out Trish make-up so now Trish is Trish dressed as Mickie dressed as Trish dressed as Mickie and Mickie is Mickie dressed as Trish dressed as Mickie dressed as Trish! So the fans chant "boring". And since Trish is now Mickie (I think) she says "come on Trishie, let's LES OUT!" and starts kissing her and grabs her crotch! But Mickie pulls back and says "I'm Mickie I mean Trish I mean Sunny I MEAN TRISH and being a lesbian is EVIL!" and then Trish LICKS HER HAND (the very hand she grabbed Mickie's crotch with!) and Mickie says "ah, screw it!" and they start making out and feeling each other up rolling around on the canvas! And Trish (the real Trish) ends up on top(~!) and the referee counts the three! Trish then says "Ha, you fell for it, I have my belt back!" and sprays her with pepper spray in the eyes blinding her! Then Mickies says "does this mean we're dating now?"
Kane versus The Big Shoe - MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH MAY 19TH (double countout!)
Shawn Michaels and God versus Vince mcMahon and Shane O Mac - Vince and Shane used there size advantage to take-over and Shawn and beat him down for twenty minutes. The fans start chanting "we want God" but Shawn just can't make the tag! Chavo Guerrero comes out and goes up to shawn's corner and looks like he's talking to someone then walks backstage still talking! Shawn hits da flying forearm and goes to make the HOT TAG to God...but nothing happens! Shawn looks around confused and Coach says "Could it be that there is no God...there to tag in Shawn because he left to go backstage with Chavo Guerrero!?" But Shawn suddnely remembers than Vince and Shane aren't wrestlers and he can beat them anyway and he starts kicking ass violently and pregnant Stephanie runs out to the ring and begs him to stop...and Shawn superkicks her right in the face! Then Shawn jumps right on her pregnancy bump...and a watermellon shoots out of her skirt! Then Styels says "I knew that bitch was never pregnant!" Shawn hits Shane with the watermellon but when he turns around Vince gives him the STUNNER and gets the three! Then Vince, Shane and Linda start kicking Shawn for what he did to Stephanie and MARTY JANNETTY(~!) comes running otu through the crowd and STeyles says "he'll help Shawn!" and the McMahons scatter! Then Marty looks at Shawn and just reaches into his tights and pulls out his wallet and runs away again and Steyles says "he just stole his wallet, probably owes child support!"
Mama and Shelton come out his dressing room and she's pulling her dress back on and he's naked but holding the IC title belt in front of his privates! Shelton says "I'm so glad you're not really my mom!" and mama says "oh yeah, I lied about that, of course I'm your mama!" and Shelton drops the belt (and you see his asscrack, ladies!) and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Shanw Michales runs up to Chavo and says "hey JACK what the hell do you think you were doing taking my tag partner away!" and Chavo says "sorry bro, I thought He could put me in contact with Eddie!" and Shawn says "I'll put you in contact...with my FOOT!" and superkicks him! Then drops down onto his knees (just like Shelton, hmm) and says "Oh Lord, why hath ye foresaken me!"
John Cena versus Triple HHH versus Edge - Cena comes out riding a motorbike and throwing hundred dollar bills into the crowd to win the fans over. They have a standard triple threat match with all the normal tripel threat match moves (triple sleeper!) until the refree is BUMPED. Shanw Michaels runs out to ringside and when Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle on HHH Shawn rolls into the ring and superkicks him! Then Edge is shocked and Lita sneaks up behind him and hits a low blow! Lita pulls her top off and underneeth she has a D on one breast and an X on the other! HHH gets the double pin and is the new world champion! Then Shawn says "Listen up, nimrods! I don't believe in God anymore, but I do believe in one thing, JACK, and that thing is...DEGENERATION-X, SUCK IT!" and the DX music plays and him and Hunter and Lita do crotch chops for a while!
OMG, DX returning, I can't bleieve it (even though I've known about it for six months) I cant wait to see Backlsash and I know you can't too!
Bizzack soon with more Hot Newz for U GUYS!!!!1 O RLY? YA RLY!!!1 PRBLY.
BRET HART'S HALL OF FAME INDUCTION SPEECH VOTED MOST BORING THING IN HUMAN HISTORY? MARK HENRY RE-SIGNS FOR ANOTHER TEN YEARS? JAKE ROBERTS SPOTTED BACKSTAGE AT RAW STEALING FOOD? ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL AND CRYSTAL SET TO WED? PLUS HOT NAKED PICS OF BIG VIS AT A STRIP CLUB WITH VISIBLE NIP SLIP AND THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!