Thursday, 15 October 2009

27/12/06 - Top 100, part three (60-41)!

OMG I am bizzack once again with another update of the top 100 wrestlers of ALL time! This time out we'll be seeing who finished at numbers 60-41 so it's the mid card of the list, if you will! First, some feedback!

OTisamightyfineman writes

you suck your ass knows nuthin about wrestling you can't have someone like Cena so low when u'll probaby have some old guy like stone cold at number one who ain't drawn half of waht Cena has and that's the truth chekc yerself!

Umm Stone Cold drew over a BILLION dollars between 1998 and 2000 that's why Vince became a billionaire and I haven't checked the records but I'd imagine Cena is lucky if he's draw a MILLION when you take into account all the money they wasted on explosions in The Marine!

Kidman'sRemainingFan writes

How come Matt Hardy isn't on the list?


60 - Matt Hardy: The second (and the last!) Hardy Boy to make the list, Matt is know as the more techncialy sound of the Hardyz (and the less stoned) and invented such moves as the Twist Of Fate, Side Effect and Second Rope Leg Drop! Matt has had many great matches since his WWF debut in 1995 (he didn't appear on tv for four years!) including his shoot-style classics with Edge and one hundred and three different matches with Gregory Helms! Matt is perhaps best known for having his heart broken by Lita when she cheated on him with Edge several times a day for MANY months with his knowledge but that doesnt make him a loser as he had sex with Ashley afte that and has probably had even MORE sex since and JBL says he'll be a main-eventer one day and so it will be!

MATT FACT: Matt never cuts his toenails.

59 - Lita: The fourth (AND NOT THE LAST (there's one more (it's Trish)) woman to make the list is bound to be a controversial choice...much like her controversial SEXUAL choices LOL! Whether you like Lita or think she's a dirty slut and hate her, you can't deny the impact she's had on woman's wrestling. She was the first woman to EVER do moves like a hurricanrana, moonsault and side-russian-legsweep and even if she did them sloppily, at least she made the effort! Lita has been a true innovator since he debut as Essa Rios's MEXICAN girlfriend (she turned white when she joined the Hardy Boyz) in 2000 and has had AT LEAST five good matches in those seven years so really this is the best spot for her! And she was hot when she debuted then started to get manish and then hot again when she returned from her neck injury (suffered at the hands of Jessica Alba, which is hot in itself!) with hot abs then got manish again then SUPER HOT when she turned into a shoot slut with Edge and let her boobs flap freely in the wind so that's three hots to two not so that is = HOT!

FUN FACT: I can't find Lita's new band on YouTube.

58 - Abyss: HO, HO, HO ABYSS! That's the song the TNA fans sing every week (because they have no life) and he is worthy of the singing indeed, Abyess is one of the top twenty big men in the business! He might look like Kane in Mankind's mask but Abyss has proven he's much more than that (he's like the Undertaker too!) Abyss is so good for a big man that not only does he wrestle in TNA (who have high standards!) but also in Ring Of Honor who have the HIGHEST STANDARDS and only allow workrate freaks to wrestle for them! Abyss will hold the NWA title for AT LEAST a few more hours so watch out for that!

FUN FACT: Father James Mitchell doesn't actually have any children.

57 - Cedric Diggory: I know you're all scratching your heads (and not just because you have head lice!) wondering who this is so I'll explain! Cedric is an indie wrestler SO OBSCURE that he hasn't even been in ROH! I first became a fan of his in 2006 (this year) when my man Chad Door sent me a bootleg DVD of Cedric (with beautiful but INDY valet Cho Chang) wrestling the big Russian Viktor Crumb in front of 12 people in a ZOO of all places and though the quality was poor I could tell right away that Diggory has more talent in his little fingers than most WWE guys have in their whole hands! I was then lucky enough to see Cedric wrestle in person at a GPP4WF show in some backwater town so obscure I can't even remember the name of it and he had us all rocking with his technical skills, aerial expertise and tight ass! Truly a star of the future, expect to see him in ROH by 2008!

FINISHING MOVE: The Quidditch Driver!

56 - "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Debiase: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! No I haven't turned evil, that was just Ted Debiase's signature EVIL laugh! The Million Dollar Man is a REAL LIFE millionaire who got bored of sitting around paying beautiful women to snort cocaine in front of him and decided to become a professional wrestler...with amazing results! He made his debut in 1988 by just walking out of the crowd and asking Hulk Hogan if he could BUY the WWF title but when the Hulkster said "No way, brother! This belt ain't for sale and neither is America's sense of superiority over the rest of the world, brother!" (he was drunk that day) he instead paid Andre the Giant a million dollars to turn heel on Hogan and break every rib in his body! Debiase eventually started wrestling himself in a tag team with Irwin Randy Sychester called Moneys Incorporated (not to be confused with movie hit Monsters Inc!) and soon won the tag titles from LOD or the Nasty Boys or someone and did lots of cocaine on yachts like all rich people do. Unfortunately he found Jesus (out at sea!?) and gave up all his money to homeless mexicans or something but he was fun for a while!

FUN FACT: The Million Dollar Man once paid Linda McMahon ten bucks to bark like a dog and lick slugs off his toes...and she did!

55 - Christian: No I'm not going to call him by the GAY Christian Cage name that TNA FORCED him to use because Russo is a big Nicholas Cage fan or whatever the reason! Christian is probably the best bad wrestler to ever be a cult hit with workrate obsessed smarks! Yes even though Christian does nothing but chokes, eyerakes and crappy punches in his matches, all the internet guys loves him...including me! This is because Christian says funny things sometimes like that time he called Cena a "square-headed G.I. Joe Wannaba who SUCKS AND BLOWS!" We all laughed at THAT one on the message boards for days! Christian was a big mid-card star in the WWE thanks to getting the rub from DDP and was on his way to main-eventing until HHH took one look at him and said "not tall enough!" so he took his balls and went to TNA where he was a HUGE letdown as champion but hey at least he's not being held down anymore! Also he finally lived up to the homosexual Cage name by having a cage match with Rhyno so extra points for that!

CATCHPHRASE: All my peepz in the house better move to the left becuase I'll be on the right because that's how I roll!


FUN FACT: Every fact about the Iron Sheik is a fun fact!

53 - Bryan Dragonson: Yes it's another one of those obscure indie/ROH guys (don't worry, not many more of them!) but Bryan Dragonson is actually quite good! Although his whole gimmick is clearly modelled on Bob Backlund (as good a role model as any!) he has managed to have a moderatey good career without ever once stepping foot inside a WWE ring! He has wrestled all over the world and in Japan and has a reputation for wrestling a "realistic" style and NO this doesn't automatically mean boring! Only about 50% of his matches are boring, the rest are really good! He's held the ROH title for a few years now and is unlikely to lose it (they only have like three others wrestlers) so maybe one day he'll actually have a match on tv and the rest of you will see his above average skills!


52 - Homicide: ANOTHER boring ROH guy!? First of all, Homicide isn't boring, he's PeuroRican or Cuban or something and has probably stabbed a few people in the thighs for calling him boring so don't call him boring okay got it good. Anyway not only that but his finisher is called the cop killah (edgy!) and it RULES! He invented it to scare Steve Corino (he hates Corino for being so white...and so do I!) and then started using it as his real finisher and I cant believe he hasn't broken any necks! Or maybe he has and he used his connections to cover it up if you know what I mean! I bet he's friends with New Jack lol. YEah so anyway Homicide is TEH KEWL but I know many of you will be intimidated by him and shocked I included him but to you I say "beware the 187, my nizzles!"

FUN FACT: Homicide has short arms.

51 - The Undertaker: Well I know I don't have to tell you who this guy is! The Undertaker was a complete unknown he had his first match ever at Survivor Series 1990...and he sucked! However he had the best gimmick ever...he was dead! It was so simple that I can't believe nobody had ever thought of it before! In the early days Undertaker NEVER sold a move or spoke or even breathed on camera, just to keep up the illusion of being dead! Over the years he got better in the ring and also started to act more human and then in 2000 he started watching UFC and finally became a good worker by using all there realistic triangle chokes in matches and throwing "soupbone" like big punches! Even though hardly ever loses you cant accuse the Undertaker of holding people down becaue he DOES do a clean job every three years to deserving opponents (the last have been to Kurt Angle and The Great Khali) and he will eventually job clean to Mister Kennedy in 2008 then probably retire with his hot wife (not Sara, he'll be remarried by then!) with a career he can be proud of behind him!

FUN FACT: The Undertaker has NEVER lost at WrestleMania...and never had a match above ** stars there either!

50 - Finlay: He loves to fight! Born right after World War 2 in Ireland, his home country then went to war with England over potatoes and Finlay would fight young English children in the streets aged 8! He made his pro debut aged 11 in a COAL MINE and then wrestled all over the United Kingdom, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, England, The Shire and the OTHER Ireland! Finlay was so tough that the one island that makes up the UK couldn't contain him and he spilled over into Europe wrestling in France, Germany, Spain, Italy and even Iraq! It was when Eric Bischoff was vacationing in France that he saw Finlay wrestle for the first time and decided to take him back to WCW. Finlay immediatelly caused chaos in America with his uncouth behaviour (he'd spit on priests!) and had a match with real-life enemy William Regal (then known as William Regal) that was so violent that Nitro was cut from three hours down to two by the network! By the time Shane McMahon bought WCW everyone thought Finlay was too old to wrestle again and let's face it they were probably right (he's a great wrestler but who wants to look at his wrinkles on tv!?) but eventually everyone on Smackdown got injured, left or died so they had no choice to bring up Finlay (who INSISTED on bringing a leprachaun with him!) and have him main event every show for an ungodly length of time and we can all agree it's been a reasonably good move!

FUN FACT: Finlay still refuses to eat potatoes to this day.

49 - Owen Hart: Ha! I bet you all thought that I'd rank Owen number one because Owen suddenly became every internet writer's favourite wrestler ever after he died, didn't you? WELL YOU THOUGHT WRONG! Owen DIDN'T just become every internet writer's favourite after he died...many of us have TASTE and already liked him when he was alive and well! Owen is of course the youngest of the 18 Hart Brothers and also the most high-flyingest. He wrestled all over Canada in his teenage years before making it big in the WWF as the "Two Time King Of Rockets Slammy Award Winning Soul Survivor Black Hart High Energy Member Blue Blazer" Owen Hart and once knocked Shawn Michaels out in a shoot AND broke Austin's neck in a worked shoot! Despite these two mistake (one glorious, one horrible, guess which is which!) Owen was still one of the best five wrestlers in the world for a few days one year and definately in the top ten for a few years and his loss is still felt to this day. And he's NOT a nugget!

CATCHPHRASE: Suck my slammy, bitch!

48 - Magnum P.I: Magnum was a big star in the eighties in WCW with a handlebar moustache and a winning smile. He had a long (four months) feud with Ric Flair where he threw Flair off the top rope 83 times in 82 different cities (Detroit twice!) He then crashed his car and can't wrestle anymore. But I bet he still gets lots of chicks!


47 - Goldberg: "The Jewish Messiah" as he isn't known by anyone was discovered by DDP in a bar at some point where he was spearing fat people for fun. DDP took one look at him and said "man, I'm lucky to be banging Kimberley! And that guy would make a good wrestler!" A few days later Goldberg made his debut in WCW and speared and jackhammered Hugh Morris then said "that's one, whooo!" Initially there were no plans for Goldberg to go on a legendary winning streak. In fact he was booked to job to La Parka the next week but Parka dislocated his shoulder playing air guitar and Goldberg went over. WCW then had him win some 248 matches (though in REALITY he only won 247 matches, they invented a fictional victory over Dean Malenko to make his winning streak look more impressive) before the Golden One as he's sometimes known (by me) lost to Kevin Nash in the famous "worst result ever" match at Starrcade. WCW's ratings dropped by a million points the next day and Goldberg was never the same, his WWE run was so boring that I can't remember ANY of his matches except the one against Jericho where a guy in a chicken suit in the front row kept heckling Goldberg then at the end Golberg threatened to "pluck him but good!"

FUN FACT: Goldberg has never beaten Goldust.

46 - Vince McMahon: I know I'm going to get some emails for THIS one! Probably some from Titan Towers offering me a job, LOL! You have to take into account that Vince is 65 years old, even older than Ric Flair! So even if you think he SUCKS in the ring (and he does!) you have to consider that YEAR FOR YEAR he's actually really good! And of course you have to take crowd heat into account here because if workrate was all that mattered then Dean Malenko would be world champion 83 times over! Vince gets more heat with one flex of his pecks than Malenko would get flexing his who body and he also has HOYGE muscles and that's what wrestling is all about! And he took a BETTER bump than Mick Foley's hell in a cell bump in his cat match with Austin but no one ever mentions it because they don't want to admit that Foley ain't all that!

FUN FACT: Linda can't handle Vince's manhood so he has to cheat on her with all the Divas!

45 - Brock Lesnar: Well here comes the pain! Not many people remember Brock Lesnar now but for a while he was one of the biggest stars in wrestling and main-evented wrestlemania against Kurt Angle if you can believe that! Lesnar was a legit tough guy who trained with Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas in university before becoming a huge amateur star before just becoming HUGE and growing lots of muscles! He ended up in the WWF where he used to just give the F5 to random people then growl! It was a winning gimmick and Lesnar was the world champion for a year before he got bored and started taking time off to play football (kind of like Sid taking time off to play softball, hmm.) Vince said "listen pal, either you don't play football at all or you play football FULL TIME, pal!" so Lesnar said "okay!" and went to NFL headquarters and asked for a job and they said "umm, NO!" so he now wrestles in Japan where he's married to Sable which is weird since she's old now and he should marry some hot Japanese Asian instead!

FUN FACT: Lesnar versus Goldberg at Wrestlemania was SO BAD that Sable refused to put out that night...and she's a slut!

44 - Mr Kennedy: ANOTHER controversial choice by me but all great thinkers are controversial, look at Oscar Wilde, Shakespeare, Einstien and Churchill! All great thinkers, all controversial not afraid to tell the world their opinions no matter how BIZARRE! ANyway Mister Kennedy is of course the BEST TIZZALKER SINCE THE ROCK and he thought of doing something no one else has done: hitting The Undertaker with a microphone! Kennedy will obviously be the breakout star of 2007 and you're a FOOL if you can't see that and I'm a visionary so don't doubt me you assdoubters!

CATCHPHRASE: ...Kennedy!

43 - Mill Mascara: The biggest star in the history of Mexico, Mill (known as "the man of nine thousand and one half masks") made his debut shortly after World War 2 back when wrestling in Mexico was still REAL and thought all the evil rudos (he were all real, legit criminals back then!) and made Mexico a safe place for Mexicans to live in! In the fact the reason why they're all coming across the bored to OUR UNITED STATES now is probably because they don't have a superhero like Mascara anymore protecting their land from rudos and soul-suckers! Mill became a huge movie star in Mexico starring in Mexican versions of Dracula (as the ANTI-Dracula), King Kong (as Jack Black) and Lord Of The Rings (as the wolfman for some reason!) He wrestled in over a million matches and has NEVER been seen without his mask off, not even by himself in the mirror! And I don't think he's dead!

FUN FACT: What, you don't think all of the above counts as "fun facts" you assholes!?

42 - Samoa Joe: When I first heard that there was a fat samoan named Samoa Joe who was a great worked I turned to my friend Mister Stumpy (it was him who told me) and said "YOU IS TRIPPING LOL!" However for once in my life I had to admit that I was WRONG and Samoa Joe IS a great wrestler and anyone who says otherwise MUST be a racist or a fatist! Joe wrestlers a HIGHLY REALISTIC shoot-style like the guys in MMA and UFC and could probably kick even MY ass in a real fight! Joe also did the impossible by dragging the WASHED UP, BROKEN-BODIED Kurt Angle to two good matches and will no doubt soon win the TNA title by choking out all their candyasses!

TITLES HELD: X-Division, ROH (for three years!), Samoan World Title (for three days).

41 - Andre The Giant: Even non-fans know who this big French guy is! Andre made his debut in his native france just after world war 2 (wrestling was banned during WW2 by the way) and back then he was only 7 foot one inch tall rather than the 7 foot 7 he'd eventully grow to be! Andre was a better flyer than even the Big Show in his youth and used to do moonsaults and dropkicks and probably shoot star presses(!) in France to a bunch of snooty, stuck-up, surrender-cheesing French monkeys! Realising he wasn't appreciate by the frogs he travelled to America where he was sooon spotted by Vince McMahon Senoir (how could he miss him!) and became a huge name star all over the states. Andre never lost ONE match (everyone was too scared to ask him too!) until finally he took on Hulk Hogan in the famous WrestleMania 3 match at WrestleMania 3 where Hogan picked Andre up HIGH above his head (but Andre had been starving himself for months so that he'd be extra-light and Hogan would be able to lift him!) and he finally did the J O B. Andre died as a DIRECT RESULT of being terminally ill shortly afterwards but all wrestling fans will remember his winning smile, huge body and that time he choked out the baseball player!

FUN FACT: Andre used to drink 800 pints of beer in a night and then burp really loudly!

Well that's it for now AND INDEED FOR THIS YEAR, back in 2izz007 with the next part unless I die somehow in which case I won't really care because I won't exist anymore anyway so see you then (or not!) HAVE A MERRY NEW YEARMAS!!!!!1


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