Thursday, 15 October 2009


OMG it's 2006 and I am back with more Hote Newz! Can you believe it's is 2006!? Remember when you were like a little six year old kid in like 1998 and you thought 2006 would NEVER come? Well you were wrong jerky because here it is! And the big story of the year so fart is that the WWE is exploiting Eddie Guerroer's death like shameless death-exploiting BASTARDS! Well guess what, I'm not going to take that shiznit anymore! As a protest against this reprehenious acts I am BOYCODDING the WWE FOREVER! Or until they stop exploiting Eddy's death. Or until they have a match I want to see. FOREVER!!!!!1

So that means I have to lay some TNA nizzewz on you guys and gals which I'm going to do RIGHT NOW...

...but first I have to print this excellent WWE fantazy booking idea from my reader ChainGangBanger who has sent in an excellent WWE fantazy booking idea to make John Cena kewl again! And here it is!!!

hi hot newz love u're column you must get all the chix lol. just like cena used to before he became a pussy lol. but i have an gr8ate booking idea to make cena popular with not just little kids but also teenagers and maybe eve3n some old age pensioners! my idea is that cena should go on american idol! and he lays down a HARDCORE battlerap on the judges and it's like totally sick and everyhtin, he swears and and stuff and it's so good that i can't even rite it but it's the greatest bad-assest battlerap ever and it will win over all the Cena bashers. then the woman and the black guy judge totally love the rap and say he's the best cuntestant they've ever had! but then it's Simon's turn and he says "well, never in my life have I heard...such a pitiful excuse for a song! That was a bloody disgrace! You call that music? Elton John must be rolling over in his grave! Away with you, villian, I cast ye out!" then Cena says "Listen up, Simon KAL-EL! You're just jealous because I get more girls then you even though you're gay in and take up the A!" then he gives Simon a F-U right through the table! and the black guy and the white woman dance! then Kelly Clarkson comes out and Cena does her up the butt and she screams in orgasmic delight!!!! what do you think of my idea, I think it's great, am I right?

You are right...I do get all the chicks!!! LOL, your idea IS pretty good, but I think you're going to have problems getting a certain someone to go along with it and you know who I mean! No way Simon Cowell's going to agree to go through a table, he's a pansy-ass Brit!!

And now for - as prizzomised - some TNA newz! I atteneded TNA's latest tv tapings in ORLANDO where they tayped five or six episodes of there show (each epiosode only lasts about fifteen minutes anyway!) so here's all the results (that I can remember, I forget to take my notebook!)!!!

The first match was Cassidy Riley, Shark Boy, HOYT~! and some other guy versus those jobber guys and Shane Michaels and some other guy! And the fans were too busy singing gay songs at Hoyt to even watch the match whihc is just as well as it SUCKED so I started chanting "we want Test!" at Hoyt and I was too busy doing that to watch the match so I don't know who won. OR CARE!

Next match was Rhyno versus Abyss is match twenty seven of their best of sixty nine(~!) series! They hit each other with lots of shit but Rhyna didn't take any big bumps because of his neck and I told everyone sitting around me about that and they were all impressed by my knowledge. Then Rhyno GOARED (Scott Keith rulls lol!) Abyss thoruhg the ring but only HALF the ring broke and it look like shite. So Jeremy Bore-ass got up and said "okay guys that looked like shit so we're going to do that spot again so remember to cheer!" and I was DESGUSTED by this break of kayfabe (but not the break of the ring that was kewl) and I called Bore-rash a jabroni but he told me to know my roll and shut my mouth! So then when they re-did the spot and it looked good and the ring shattered into a million pieces I grabbed my eye and went "OWW, OWW, MY EYE, A PIECE OF THE RING WENT INTO IT, I'M GOING TO SUE!" and Boring-hash looked worried but then I pulled my hand away from my eye revealing that I was fizzine and laughed and everyone else laughed and Bar-arse rolled his eyes then I did the Hot Newz shuffle behind his back. And the match was over and I missed who won. OR CARE!

Next was a backstage segment where Jackie came up to Scott D'Amore and said she knows his secret and she's going to tell the board of directors if he doesnt quit! Then Scott said he isnt worried becasue he's got the dirt on Jackie and pulled a manilla envelope out of his pants. But then Jackie pulls an even BIGGER manilla envlope out from between her tits and says she's got bigger dirt on Scott and he better do what she says tonight! Then Da'More gulps and his eyes bulge out.

Next up was the Dudleys and the Naturals against AMW and Team Canada in a BUNKHOUSE BRAWL but Jeff Jarrett ran out wiht four guitars and took out the Naturals and Dudleyz with them and said "listen up SLAPNUTS I want Sting to come out of retirement or I'll retire him FROM retirement!" and some more stuff but I was checking out Gail Kim and I think she remembered me from the time I interviewed her because she looked in my direction, nearly. Then Jarrett grabbed her and started making out, probably because he was feeling insecure because I was there and I get ALL the asian chicks!! and I think the match ended at some point.

Next was time for teh presentation of the "best dressed man in TNA" trophy! And the two finalists were Christopher Daniels and AJ Styles! And everyone was booing AJ because he wears earrings I guess then Shane Douglas said "And, haha, the award, haha, goes to....haha, Christopher Daniels!!!! Haha!" so the fans cheered because it's about time he won something then AJ said "congratulations man, you deserved it! That's why I stuffed the ballot box to make sure you won!" then Daniels was PISSED and said "You stuffed the ballot box? I'LL STUFF YOUR BALLOT BOX!" and slammed the trophy down on the mat and it smashed and a piece went in AJ's eye (OMG they're stealing from me!) and this adds heat to there feud or something I guess.

Next match was the Jammmes Ganng versus two Latino guys and the Outlaws won in fifty seconds but still got blown up then Billy said "I got four words for ya, I am Kipp Jammes, biaaaatch!" Then Konnan rolled out and hit them both with a sock full of pennies! Then he poured the pennies over them!!! Then he put the sock on!!!!

Nxet up was the contract signing for Christian versus Monty Brown! And Larry Zibsikyho said "listen, I know you two guys like to get physical, but we don't want either of you being injured before our ppv SO after you sign this contract you can't touch each other until that show and if you do you're suspended for SIX YEARS!" So Christian said he was cool wit dat and signed then Monty Brown said he digs that action and signed to but then write away he dropped his contract and gave Christian the Pounce Peroid! Then Zybischoff said "You just got yourself suspended for six years, pal!" then Monty Brown told him to read the contract and Larry said he will and said "okay, you did sign, it says right here, signed...Bob The Builder!? Hey, that's not you! That's so clever!" then Monty said "thanks!" and gave Zybksiko the Pounce Peroid too! Then Larry threw up and I could see a bit of pizza in his puke and a carrot.

Nxte was Samoa Joe verus Chris Sabin and his gay new hair. And during the match, Alex Shelley came out to watch with his video camera. And Sonjay Dutt came out to watch behind him. And AJ Style (wearing an eye patch) came out to watch behind him. And Dave Hebner came out to watch at the other side. And Rikishi (he's Joe's uncle or something) came out to watch behind him. And DDP came out to watch in the crowd and stood right beside me and he smelled like an old man! And I was too busy asking Page what it was like to bang (pun intended!) Kimberley to watch the end of the match, but when I looked at the ring Sabin was lying on the canvas holding his throat like he was choking and Joe was standing over him holding the belt. So I guess it was a double countout or something.

Nixxed it was time for the MAIN EVENT of the evening and Da'More and Jackie came out. Scott said he's not going to do it but Jackie waved the manilla envelope in front of his face in a SASSY way and D'More said "Fine, I'll do!" Then he took a deep breath and starting singing "I'm a little tea pot, short and stout.." and Don West shouted "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME MIKE I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS MIKE, WHY IS HE SAYING HE'S A LITTLE TEA POT!"? and tune in next week to find out!

WOW, what a great show, you'd have to be a dUMB RUBE to tune into the WWE again when youve got TNA now!!!

And finally for my No Way Out HotRant! I now your wandering how can I rant on No Way Out when I'm BOYCODDLING WWE well you mister smart pants I didn't watch it but I have read ALL the online reports on the show and everyones comments on message boards so I know with 99% accuratelacy EXACTLY what happened on the show and here it is!

Cruiserweight Mess - Everyone hits all there moves and shit except for Phsiccosis because he doesnt have any moves other than being sloppy. And then Gregory Helms is about to hit the Shiny Wizard on Scott Too Hotty but then William Regal comes out dressed as a BUTLER(!?) and hits Helms with a chair right in the back! Then Scotty acts like he's going to do the Worm but instead he just SLICKS HIS HAIR BACK and pins Helmsy! Then Scotty says in an ENGLISH accent "You peons might not believe your eyes but I can assure you peons that your eyes are correct! I am gong back to my roots: an English Lord of the manner! No longer shall you plebians knoweth me as the vulgar Scotty 2 Hotty, no, henceforce I shall be known by my proper name: Scottford Two HottFord III Esquire! And if you don't like it, you're an American!" then Regal holds the ropes opens and Scotty, sorry, SCOTTFORD, puts on a top hat and goes backstage with the belt the bastard!**** for the spots!

Brad Shaw versus Robby Lashley - This was a surprsingily good technical wrestling match until Jillian Hall (who is HOT now that she's had the mole lanced!) got up on the apron to distract the ref when Lashely had JBL beat and Lashley grabbed her but JBL went for the clothesline of hell but Lashley DUCKED and JBL clotheslind Jillian and she fell right off the apron and landed on her neck! Then Lashely hit the Pounce Peroid (he's going to be turned into a rip off of Monty Brown soon!) for the win. ANd JBL was pissed at Jillian and was going to hit her but the EMTs strapped her down on a stretcher and started wheeling her JBL ran after them and overturned the stretcher then kicked Jillian in the FACE! and you can't blame him really because women shouldnt get invovled in men's match. So now Jillian can go to OVW and come back on RAW in eight months as a sexy nurse or something.***1/2

Batista come out wearing a Bart Simpsons t-shirt for a surprising surprise interview! ANd Batista says "Thank you! Let me let you know that I will be BACK...on RAW! Because Smackdown sucks and you fans suck for watching it!" and just walked away. And the fans were confused but most cheered and some played with their cell phones.DUD

Matt Hardy and Mystery versus MN(and)M - Matt comes out and says that his partner is "like a brother to him, so to speak!" And the fans start to cheer because they think they know who it is. Then Matt says his partner "has a very unique sexuality" and the fans cheer even louder because they're SURE who it is! Then the music starts to play...and Orlando Jordan comes and the fans groan (they wanted X-Pac!) I don't know how those stupid Tatanka rumors got started either but they were false. And Olrando is wearing leather and has nipple clamps on and he's dragging Trinity from TNA on a leash! And Matt and Orlando win but it's non title so who cares then Matt, Orlando and Trinity have a THREEWAY make-out session and it's pretty sick but kind of sexy if you like that kind of thing! The match sucked though because Matt did a second rope eblow instead of the second rope legdrop and even Tazz said so. ***

Chris Benoti versus Booker T - Benoit was kicking his ass and kicking his injured groin too so Sharmell ran to the back to get help and FINLAY~! came out carrying a Junior and threw it at Benoit and Booker rolled him up the win.****1/2

Randy Orton versus Rey Misterio - Rey hit a 619 FOR EDDIE but the ref was down so Vicki Guerrero ran in and counted the three but it didnt count because she's not a ref (duh!) Then Chavo ran in and counted the three too but that didnt count either (DUH!) and Randy was playing possum anyway and gave Vicki and Chavo a DOUBLE RKO! When he went for the RKO on Rey CHAVO CLASSIC ran out with a chair and hit Randy! Then Chavo did a dance and Rey hugged him and Classic raise his arm...but then Chavo Classic clotheslined Rey! And this got huge heel heat but then Chavo pulled his face off and it was just a rubber mask and underneath he was BOB ORTON! Then Bob pulled his sleave off and he had the cast on underneath! Orton jumps up and he isn't even hurt because it was a fake chair! And Randy covered Rey with one finger and got the three and is going to WrestleMania! Then Vicki woke up and said "Did you win, Rey? Did you win it for Eddie?" and Rey started crying! ****

Undertaker versus Kurt Angel - They have a relly great match and Kurt does all his kewl suplexes and Undertaker does all his cool UFC triangle holds. And Angle has Taker in the Ankle Lock for twenty minutes and some people say this is unrealistick but I actually think it's realistick because my buddy Doug had me in the Ankle Lock for forty minutes once! And I read a magazine and played Grand Theft Auto and everything while in it and didnt even come close to tapping out but then I got bored and reversed it teh crippler crossface and he tapped out like a little drunk whore in two seconds. Anwyay, the ending sucked because Angle just pinned Undertaker with a roll up which is stupid because he can kick out of anything and I think Undertaker's lightning was supposed to go off and hit Angle to break up the pin but it didn't and Taker looked pissed and mouthed "motherfucka!" after the match. So it only gets ****7/8 stars.

OMG what a gay show that was DON'T ORDER THE REPLAY!

I'll be bizzack soon with WrestleMania newz doods so see you then!!!11


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