Thursday, 15 October 2009


OMg I am back with more of your Hot Newz! And this is my special summer preeview additon! I'll ppreeview ALL the hot happenings which are going to go down this summer! The reason I'm doing this is of course because I HAVE A LIFE and I'll be busy with girls and other life stuff for the rest of the summer! So I wont be able to make reguler updates unless something REALLY big happens (Vince McMahon DIES in a boating accident or Trish and Mickie les out) but I'll cover all the good stuff here anyway! First, some general NEWZ (my patented trademark!)

The great Khali is actually a great wrestler! He was trained by the Giant Gonzales in Brazil and has wrestled in Japan for five years and has had many five star matchs! The reason why he's sucking now is because the WWE has ordered him to wrestler poorly so that he won't show up the Undertaker at Judginment Day! After Judgament Day he'll have a best of seven series with BENOIT~!

The Kevin Nash storyline in TNA is actually a WORKD SHOOT. Nash actually does hate da X-Divison and thinks he's better then dem all but when he takes on the entire division in a handicap match thye'll all pile on him and hold his shoulders down FOR REAL to get the rub~!

DegenerationDX will also return in the summer! It will all start when HHH and Shawn Mickaels both get a call saying X-Pac is dying in hospital! So they both rush down to the hospital and X-Pac is lying there hooked up to a life support machine and the doctor says "it's not look good I'm afriad he's smoked so much grass over the years that his lungs have been pwned!" and they both look sad. Shawn askes X-Pac if he has a dying wish and Pac says "" and pulls out two DX shirts from under his bed and Shawn and Hunter put them on and says "for you, X-Pac, for you!" and do the crotch chop and go back to raise some hell! And if you aren't old enough to have seen DX the first time (it was a long time ago!) then u're in for a treat because they did all sorts of crazy things like drive a tank into a live Nitro once and even eat big hot dog sausage pretending they were penises! Anyway, after they have left the room the doctor pulls his beard off and it was actually CHYNA in disguies(!) and she says "our plan worked!" and X-Pac jumps out of bed and he's wearing a DX shirt and he says "yeah, DX is back, suck on it, bizniatch!" and runs out ont he street with joy! But then he gets hit by a bus and dies.

Melina has been suspended for cheating on Johnny Nitro with Batista! Nitro has also been supsended for not being able to keep his woman under control! Batista hasn't been offically punished because he's a man and we all think with our ding-dongs, but Booker T who is a family man (he's benn married to sharmell for 23 years!) laid down some HARLEM STYLE justice on big Dave when they were taping the Summerslam commerical and even hit him with a huge Summerslam logo!

Easy F'n Dub will also return in the summer! If you've never heard of ECW you're a looser because it is the GREATESTEST wrestling company of all time ever and I'm icluding Japan, Mexico and Canada in that! It will be on the SciFi channel now and if any sci-fi geeknerds complain we can just kick their scrawny asses because they're all skinny monitor-tanned basemetn dwelling nerdlingers! Vince is planning lots of angles featuring sci-fi characters like chewbacca and Willy Wonka anyway so that should rule!

Finlay's midget rox the box!

Everyone on Smackdown is injured! Kurt Angle's neck has dislocated for the 26th time so he'll be out of action for six weeks/months. Christ Benoti suffered CRACKLED RIBS when that sloppy basterd Mizzark Henry sat on him so he'll gone back to his home town of Atlanta to be with Woman and massage her broken neck and wont be back for six months/years! And Batista's torn pecs were retorn when Booker hit him with the huge Summerslam logo so he can't come back yet either! WWE will resort to letting Randy Orton out of wrestler prison (suspension) early even though he's likely to call all the women a "C yoU on Next Tuesday, Biatch!" Mister Kennedy will also be a main eventer as he has continued to impress management with his ability to talk in a stupid voice and say his name twice.

...Kennedy! (It is kind of funny LOL!)

ECW One Nite Stand is coming soon and here are the results so look away NOW if you don't want to knizzow!

Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funker versus Micke Foley and Edge (with sexy Lita) - Funk and Dreamer are both fifty and can't walk so Edge and Foley and sexy Lita will do all the work throwing themselves into tables and thumbtacks and trucks and stuff utnil eventually Joey Styles throws a fireball in Funk's eyes(!) and says "haven't you read Foley Is Good? Oh of course not, you're old and BLIND! If you had you'd know that Mick and I are friends and have dinner together and his kids call me "uncy Joey" you fruit! And that is why I'm joined Mick and Edge, ECW SUCKS!" and he gives Dreamer a death valley driver!

Chris Benoit versus Kurt Angle submitting match - You might wonder what this has to do with ECEW, well back before Kurt won a gold medal in 1995 he was just a wrestling fan at an ECW show where Raven crucified Sandman and nailed him to a big T and Kurt jumped the barricade and gave Raven an Angle Slam and said "i'll save you Jesus!" (he was drunk!) and plied the nails out of Sandman's hands with his teeth. But then Sandman hit him with his own crown of thorns and said "I'm not Jesus, I'm Judas Hardcorius!" So Angle has hated Easy Dub ever since. They will have a good five minute match until Mark Henry comes out wearing a KLINGON FOREHEAD (the network demanded it!) and he gives them a doulbe clothesline and you hear the necks SNIZZAP again then Henry says "K'PLAH!" which is Klingon language! and I asked this kid I bully at school (when I was at school, I left years ago of course!) what it means and he said "fuck you!" So that's quite a clever way to get swearing past the cenzors if you think about it!

Rey Mysterio Junior versus Sabu - After 40 minutes of high-flying action Rey has him in positon for the deadly 619 and he goes for it even though he get booed when he did it last year and he spins round the ropes but Sabu BITES HIS ANKLE because he's a wildman to block it and Rey hops away in pain and Sabu rolls him up for the pin! Then Sabu takes the world titls and throws it on the ground and spits up blood on it (he has internal injuries!) and says "I declare myself the first ECW world champion!" Sabu turns round just as RHYNNO runs through the crowd and gives him the GORE GORE GORE and blood shoots out of eveery orifice in Sabu's body! Then Rhino says "you fucking think it's fucking over it's never fucking over I am the fucking ECW first fucking world champion fucking all there is to it I'll rip your neck off and spit down your neck you fucker!" then he PISSES on the belt!

RVD versus Jonh "THE FAKE" Cnea - Ceana starts throwing his ghey punches but RVD no sells them because that shit dont fly in ECdub! So Cena starts throwing real punches and they have a good brawl which goes all the way over the Arena and even onto the roof where an asian woman is stripping for some reason. Finally they get back to the ring and Cena pulls plastic brass knux out his pants but RVD van-damn-nates them back into his face! RVD goes up for the frogsplash but BEFORE he can hit it a man in a ski-mask pushes him off the top rope and he flies into the crowd and lands right on that guy who's in the front row in every ECW show and crushes him! Then the guy pulls his ski-mask off and it's TEST(!) and he says "I am Andrew "The Dagger" Martin and I'm here to put a dagger through your FACE!" and gives RVD a big boot right to the face and rolls him back in where Cena hits the five knuckle shuffle (BOOO!) for the pin! The fans throw garbage and used needles at Cena and The Dagger.

Taz (ONE F'N ZED, BITCH!) versus Jerry "Teh King" Lawyer - King pulls his strap down right away because he knows he's going to need all the extra stenght he can get to beat the human Tazz machine! But his punches don't effect Tazz so he begs off but Tazz grabs him and gives him a Tazzplex right through the ring and Styles says "OH MY GOD, JERRY LAWLER IS DEAD!" right away! Tazz crawls under the ring to look for Lawler and pulls him out and Lawler has a brown stain on his trunks and Tazz sniffs it and says "wait a minute, that's choclate sauce!" and Lawler gives him a low blow and rolls him up and says "I fooled you all!" and the feud will CONTINUE!

Hardcore Battle Royal - With Sandman, Stevie Richards, The Blue Meanie Nunzio, Big Sal, Perry Saturn, Kid Kash, Super Crazy, Axel Rotten, Balls McHoney, Amish Angry Roadkill, Kidman and MORE. Nobody cares about these guys anyway so Sandman wins or something then Austin comes out and stuns him for no reason the end.

OMG it's going to be the most EXTREMLY crappy pay per view since the last one!

Lots more stuff will happen during summer (SEE BELOW!)

Edge will win the big title from Cena at Judgement day but then lose it to DX HHH in a DX ladder match at DX Summerslam because the DX fans demand it!

TNA will continue to NOT have Christy Hemme and Gail Kim do a lesbian angle because it's run by some prudish woman named Dixie Hammer or something and they should put Russo back in charge of booking the women AT LEAST becasue at least he knew what men want!

Then new RAW General Manager will finally be revealed as...Coach's dad, Edgar Coachman!

The fake Kane will be unmasked as THE GREAT KHALI as it becomes clear that his plan is to destroy both the brothers of Destruction and absorb their supernatural power into his own body and rule the world! He will carry an Urn around and when he opens it the voice of Paul Bearer cries out for help because his soul is trapped inside!

The Spirit Squad continue to be crappy handicap matches in the main match on every RAw for the whole summer until three of them are cut, one moves to ECW under a mask as "SOCCER BOY" and the other marries Mickie James live on RAW but she won't sleep with him on the honeymoon unless he puts on a blond wig and a pair of huge fake breasts!

JBL complains that the Smackdown champion (Sabu) is ethnic, the US champion (Lashely) is ethnic, the King (all hail King Booker!) is ethnic and the GM (Teddy Long) is ethnic so because of affirmative action they have to have one white guy with power so they make him teh new "Commissioner of wrestling" which just means he comes out every week during cruiserweight matches and clotheslines them!

I will continue to get laid and laid again and again all the time from ever angle, sometimes twice a night, sometimes twice at a time!

Wizzell that's all for now maybe I'll come back sometime and see what you LOOSERS are up to, maybe not, have a hot sweaty summer and keep it REAL, check it!


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