Friday, 16 October 2009

4/2/07 - Top 100, part five (20-1), A MUST READ!

OMG I am back with the LAST PART EVER of the Hot Newz 100! It's been a long road getting to here from there but finally it's all OVER and I can rest in peace! And by that I mean get some sleep, Hot Newz is NEVAR going to die! Well, maybe when I'm old I suppose...OMG I hope that doesn't happen for a long time! Anyway the response to the last update was literally some emails being sent and now I'll answer YER queeries and concerns!

SlapButts writes

How can Kurt Angle not be number one you fuckstick?

How can he not be number one? Umm, let me think. How about the fact that he's NOT NUMBER ONE, DEAL WITH IT!?!?

PuroRoss writes

Your ignorane of Japanese wrestling is truly astounding.

Thank you very much!

ROHbot writes

Where's CM Punk?

Maria's bed!

StanSerious writes

If The Rock is number one I'm never reading you again!

I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Okay that's enough queeries and cuncerns, let's get on with what you all PAID to see, the top twenty wrestlers in the world EVER in the opinion of my opinion!

20 - Rob Van Dam: We start with the biggest and best star in ECDUB history, Mister 4:20 himself, the pot-smoking, piss-taking, one of a kind, Rob Van "points to thumbs" Dam! And since ECDUB is the best wrestling company in history it makes sense that there biggest star would be one of the best wrestlers in history! Before RVD came along nobody had EVER fused karate and wrestling like he did! He invented moves like the five star frog splash, rolling thunder, split-legged moonsault and Van Damnination! RVD's matches were SO exciting for a while that Heyman told him to calm down in case he excited some of the fans in attendance to DEATH! Sadly ECDUB went out of business through no fault of Paul Heyman's (the banks should have given him more time to pay!) and RVD was forced against his will to take a job with the WWE because he has children and a pot habbit to support and now he just wrestlers WWE style but occasionally hits a STIFF KICK because he's a rebel trying to bring down the system from the inside!

FUN FACT: RVD had 420 five star matches in ECDUB!

19 - Chris Jericho: Welcome to the Hot Newz 100 is Jericho! And he is the new millennium in the Hot Newz Wrestling Federation! For those of you who don't know him, his name is Chirs Jericho. Your new hero! Your party host! And most importantly of all, the most charismatic man ever to enter your home via a television screen! Apart from The Rock, obviously! Chris Jericho was trained by his best friend Lance Storm and made his debut in CANADA for some canadian company before making it to the big time in ECW! He then signed with WCW doing a gimmick where he was the most boring wrestler in the world for three years before turning heel and becoming cooler than the Fonz and Superman put together! He famously called Dean Malenko "a boring old fart" and Juvi a "boring masked fart" as well as stealing jokes from Spinal Tap and doing a funny walk! Someone in the WWF sat up and took notice of this and they signed him to a ten million dollar contract and he debuted to feud with the Rock in the MAIN EVENT! However DX decided he didn't know how to work so he was put in a feud with Chyna to teach him how to work. Jericho eventually "paid his dues" by falling off the ropes in a match with Rhyno at Summerslam and became one of three men to win the undisputed title, the others being HHH and Hulk Hogan, so he can now go down in the history books as that! He is currently pretending to be a rock star.

CATCHPRHASE: "C'mon baby, I'm gonna jamma your mamma!"

18 - Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat: Uh oh, here comes trouble! Well known pranktster Ricky Steamboat (real name Richard Steabiusboatius) is one of Ric Flair's best friends and favorite opponents! Not only that he is also a greight wrestler in his own right having had legendary matches with Randy Savage and Jake Roberts and maybe Haku in the WWF all throughout 1988! The "Dragster" as he liked to be known then signed to WCW for the big bucks and had 18 legendary matches with Ric Flair, so legendary that any true wrestling fan can recite them move for move (armdrag, chop, backdrop, kick to the leg, figure four, roll-up, reversal!) Sadly he next feuded with the then inexperienced "Stunning" Steve Austin who broke Steamboat's back in two with a sloppy suplex! Steamboat had to retire from wrestling FOREVER as a result but he now works backstage for the WWE doing stuff!

FUN FACT: Ricky Steamboat stole the armdrag from Japan and did NOT invent it himself!

17 - Scott Hall: The famous drunken wrestler actually used to be a famous SOBER wrestling and a damn good one at that! Hall made his debut for the WWF as "The Bad Seed" Razon Ramon back when he was pretending to be a Cuban and immediatley got pushed to the main event due to the cuban missile crisis being in the newz at the time! Hall had a legendary feud with Randy Savage and later the "1,2,3...6!" Kid, better known as X-Punk. He lost most of the matches but looked super machismo in doing so! Hall earned his workrate reputation in two classic ladder matches (the first was the first ladder match EVER, ANYWHERE) against Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania 10 and Summerslam 10. Both won match of the year honors in ever poll that counts (the Hot Newz poll!) and Hall got a 500,000 dollar bonus for each match because he was putting his chiseled body on the line in there with ladders, making him a millionaire! Hall then SOLD OUT to WCW and wasted his millions on drugs and women and booze and keying limos and now looks really old and scary! My friend Beau met him once and said he was "quite tall!"

CATCHPHRASE: "Say hello to my little friend!" - used on sixty year old women!

16 - Stone Cold Steve Austin: I know you're all thinking "WHAT!?" and not just because it was his annoying catchphrase, you're all wondering why old Stone Cold is only at number sixteen! And when I think back to his many great technical wrestling classics when he was in the Hollyweird Blondes with Flyin' Brian Pillman, even I wonder why he's so low! Well I'll tell you, despite all this he eventually became LAZY and started wrestling WWF main event style, nothing but punches, kicks, brawls up the aisle and attempted piledrivers reversed to a backdrop on the floor! Yes his fans will argue that he had a bad neck (boo hoo!) at this point but that doesn't stop him from mat wrestling, does it!? Let's face it, old Stone Cold SOLD OUT when he became a megastar by not mat wrestling anymore! That aside he deserves credit for bringing 99% of the people who currently watch wrestling to the sport and for that time he had the Alliance sing "Wind Beneath My Ring" to him!

FUN FACT: Austin's wife told him to finish his dinner before it got "stone cold." So he gave her a stunner!

15 - The Dynamite Kid: Also known as the British BullCAT (by nobody)! Dynamite is Davey Boy Smith's uncle and made his debut in England in the seventies when wrestling was real and Elvis and The Beatles battled it out on the airwaves! He quickly won the English wrestling title aged just 12 from a tough boy of 15! He was spotted by crazy old Stu Hart who kidnapped him and took him to the Hart Dungeon where he kept him prisoner for years during which time Dynamite was trained to be the greatest wrestler in the world! Dynamite eventually escaped but didn't press charges against the Harts because he appreciated what they had done for him, toughening him up! He went to Japan and had some legendary matches with The Tiger Man, The Great Mutant and of course Taka Michinoku's dad! He then joined the WWF where he tragically broke his back on the Ultimate Warror's trapdoor and had to retire. He currently lives somewhere on Englad and grows turnips!

FUN FACT: Much like Steamboat, Dynamite was a famous "ribber" and once injected milk into Davey Boy's scrotum "as a rib" and the Bulldog fell into a coma for three days!

14 - Trish Stratus: The last AND THE LAST woman to make the list, Trish is so good at wrestling than you can watch her matches and sometimes think she's actually a man with a blond wig, fake tits and a hot ass! But she's not, she's ALL woman believe me (I've seen the pics!) and she's also CANADIAN which means she was trained by Stu Hart and Lance Storm in the dungeon to make her extra tough as you can tell by those stiff forearms and chick kicks she does! Trish also invented the Matrix move, later stole by Trinity in the Matrix and even though the Stratusfaction looks fake it's still better than the pedigree! Trish has carried talentless lumps like Victoria, Molly Holly and worst of all Jazz (eww!) to great matches and even that match with Jackie Gayda wasn't THAT bad like everyone said it was! Trish has retired because her boyfriend was sick of her coming home with bruises and he wears the pants in the relationship (making it a helathy relationship!) but we'll always have the memories and the mammaries!

CATCHPHRASE: Tee hee, tee hee, hee hee, hee hee, oooooooh!

13 - Edge: You think you know him? Well did you know that he's the 13th best wrestler ever? You do now! Edge is so cool that it's obvious that if HE was the one married to Stephanie he'd be the one getting clean wins over everyone like HHH, but instead he has to make do with cheap, badly-booked wins to make him look bad but he STILL looks good! He's one of those guys who you'd say "I'm not gay, BUT" to...if you were bicurious which I'm NOT by the way! Edge debuted in Canada with his brother Christian and best friend Rhyno as the "Three Sexy Guys" group and they went around being sexy and stuff until they ended up in the WWE where rather than being sexy they were DEADLY! Edg'es ladder matches with the Hardyz were all five stars and the match where he beat Cena in two minutes at New Year's Revolution was five stars on the ENJOYMENT scale! Hopefully the WWE will see senses soon and let him win all his matches clean and break him up with the RKOverrated Randy Orton and give him another hot red head to replace Lita and more!

FUN FACT: Edge and Lita used to do it in Matt's swimming pool and when he would come out they'd say they were just "doing the breast stroke!"

12 - Eddie Guerrero: And there's not a damn thing Vikki or Chavo can do about it! Few people know this but Eddie was actually a big star in his native Mexico long before he made it to the promised land of the US states! He once wrestled in front of 50,000 Mexicans in the classic "Hair versus more hair" match against "The Lovely Machine" Art Barr! Eddie eventually made it to ECDUB and had some technical classics with Dean Malenko (who else!) before he was STOLE against his will by Eric Bischoff and FORCED to wrestle in crappy WCW! Eddie made da best of a bad situation by having classic matches with Rey Mysterio including their classic "hair versus Rey's mask" match on Halloween one year! Eddie won that match and Rey had to unmask FOREVER but the WWE put him back in a mask because they don't respect Mexicans but that's another story! Eddie eventually made it to the WWF where he won our hearts and minds by stealing from old women and stuff as well as carrying the useless football loving Brock Lesnar to a great match where he became the first Mexican EVER to hold the WWF title (Tito Santana does not count! Oh shit, that reminds me, I forgot to put Tito Santana on the list!) Eddie sadly died in 2005 but he loves on in all our hearts and in the WWE's tastless exploititve storylines!

FUN FACT: Eddie is NOT dominic's real dad, he just played him on tv!

11 - TAKA Michinoku: The first Japanese wrestler to ever make it big in the WWF and with good reason, Taka is the greatest Japanese wrestler to ever step foot in Japan! He won all the Japanese titles with ease and his workrate was truly amazing, even the president of Japan said "he very good worker, yes!" Taka carried the unknown "Great Sazooky" to a five star match at Canadian Stampede and as we ALL know also had that legendary five star match with HHH on RAW at one time! The match was soo good in fact that HHH got ASCARED of Taka and decided to hold him down because he knew he was a threat to HHH's main event spot! That's why Taka ended up wtih the WORTHLESS American-born (not a real Japanese!) Funaki in the comedy "evil" tag team Kai and Tai. In-deed! However all true TAKA funs remember his two classic matches and also I think he wrestled Sabu in ECDUB which must have been SIX stars! Taka currently runs a sushi restuarant in Japan.

CATCHPHRASE: I choppy-choppy your pee wee!

10 - Waylon Mercy: Even though this list in 99% based on workrate it is 1% based on gimmicks and Waylon Mercy was 100 times by far the best gimmick EVER! Although the character was obviously based on Jack Nicholson's famous "here is Johnny!" character from The Shining Waylon made it his own with fancy shirts, a hat, a smile and more! The character was so creepy that little kids used to pee their pants when Waylon came down the aisle and snapped jobbers necks! Waylon Mercy was truly before his time, paving the way for realistic characters like Mankind and Kane in years to come and also retired UNDEFEATED from the WWF (after having beaten ten jobbers and Spark Plug Holly) he's currently in jail or something.

CATCHPHRASE: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Waylon!

9 - Lou Thez: Known as the hooker but he doesn't sell his body to anyone! Lou Thez was a REAL turn of the century (20th century!) wrestler who beat all the other top REAL wrestlers of the day like Ed "Strangler" Lewis, Gorgeous George and "The Bunny Man" Mike Bunny in REAL fights before becoming a FAKE pro wrestler and maybe feuding with Playboy Buddy Rose, Bruno Sammortino, a young Jesse Ventura, a younger Hulk Hogan and others! No footage of his matches exists but he did write a book which has been translated by top wrestling experts and it says he was the best wrestler of his day and hey anyone who invented the Lou Thez Press and trained Ric Flair (I think) must be top ten material!

FUN FACT: Lou Thez invented the Lou Thez press, the stunner AND drinking beer after your match!

8 - Ric Flair: WHOOOOO! Ric Flair wasn't ALWAYS old, you know! Okay, he has been old for the last twenty years, but before that he was just middle aged! Flair started wrestling after a plane crash ended his career as a pilot and instantly became a big name in the NWA thanks to his flashy style and flashy robes and flashing his ass! Flair used chops and the figure four even back then but also a missle dropkick from the top rope (that's what he's going for when he gets slammed!) and a primitive form of the pedigree known as the "Flair Flop" which he only did once in 1977 but HHH remembered it and turned it into his finished! Flair was a legend in the NWA and WCW and WWF where he would "style and profile" up and down the ring and and pose and stuff as well as wrestling! If you want to see Flair at his best (and not at his BREAST as he is now, lol he's got manboobs) then see his classics with Terry Funker, Dory Funker, Ricky Steamboat and Goldust from the late eighties and be amazed! If you want to see him at his worst...just watch RAW any Monday!

TITLES HELD: WCW title 7 times. NWA title 14 times. WWF title 3 times.

FUN FACT: Yes he's actually a 24 time champion but he says he's only a 16 time champion to make HHH feel better!

7 - Rey Mysterio: Who's that jumping off the sky R E Y, Mysterio, here we go! How do you jump "off the sky" anyway? Well, no matter, Rey Rey is certainly NOT gay gay, he is rather pound for pound the seventh best wrestler ever! Rey is quite simply put the most agile man to ever live. If you've only seen the WWE version then you haven't seen the TRUE agility of Rey back before who blew out both his knees and got old (30)! Back in Mexico when he started and later in ECDUB and WCW (who of course STOLE HIM from ECDUB like they did with Eddie, Benoit, Dean Malenko and Tazz!) Rey used to do a TRIPLE 619 where he would spin around the ropes three times in one go before hitting the kick and also a moonsault where he would flip a full 720 degrees! Obviously the WWE wouldnt let him do these great moves even if his knee had been healthy, but he still managed to work better than anyone on Smackdown history, even carrying that lump Kurt Angle to some classic matches! In fact Rey might have been even high on the list if he hadn't sold out by taking part in the disrespectful Eddie storyline that runs to this day and has confused the hell out of young Dominic! Also it's annoying when he has to keep stopping his mask falling off in some matches.

FUN FACT: Rey attributes his short height to a special macrobiotic diet!

6 - Shawn Michaels: And now we get to the point where the controversial list becomes more controversial than ten Eminems! So many of you think that Shawn should be number one that my inbox will probably EXPLODE! However, so many of you are WRONG! Yes, Shawn is one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, but he's not perfect! And no, I don't mean because he's a dick backstage who holds down CM Punk (who sucks anyway) I mean sometimes he taps his foot on the mat too many times before the superkick! So I can't, in good conscience, have him at number one. However Shawn has been a great wrestler since the days of the Rock and Roll Rockers back in the eighties, he can bump and sell like NO ONE ELSE and he invented the ladder match, the hell in the cell AND the elimination chamber! He can also technical wrestle when he wants to as you can see in his iron man match (another match type he innovated!) with Bret Hart and he could probably have done Rey-Rey's 720 moonsault before his back injury! HBK will go down in history as one of the top six best wrestlers ever...BUT NOT TOP FIVE!!!!!1

AGE: 39 and 13 months!

5- Bret Hart: OMG the controversary continues! Bret over Shawn, am I crazy!? Well long time Hot Newzaholics will know that no, I am NOT crazy, it's just a fact that Bret Hart is a better wrestler than Shawn Michaels! Whereas Shawn has to resort to flippity-floppity Mexican crap to get over, Bret can have the same effect with a simple punch or kick! That's because he has "excellence of execution" which was taught to him by his old daddy Stewey Hart in the Hart family dungeon deep below Canada! Bret was a great wrestler almost since birth where he had to wrestle with the other twelve Hart brothers every morning to get breakfast! He then grew up and got even better, so good that he became the first Canadian to ever by signed by Vince McMahon's American WWF! Bret was a pro for 17 years wrestling up to 500 times a year and never missing a match, once he was seven hours late for a show but he STILL went out there and wrestled even though the fans and his opponent had all went home! Despite all this loyalty he showed Vince mercilesssly SCREWED Bret out of the title, a screwing so brutal that Bret never wrestled a good match ever again during his five year WCW career. However Bret is still remembered by all true wrestling fans (me) as the fifth best wrestler of all time, brah (brother!)

CATCHPHRASE: And that's why I am the best there is, the best there ever was, and the best is yet to come!

4 - Chris Benoit: Bet you thought he was number one! Well you were wrong again (how many times is that now?) Benoit may be 99.99% and he might have invented chops and German suplexes, but he's not perfect! For a start, he stole the crossface from Perry Saturn. For a second, he can't talk! At all! If you ever listen to him talking all you'll hear is "mumble mumble eh mumble!" However putting all that aside Benoit is a legendary legend! Benoit's workrate is so high that when Stu Hart saw him in the dungeon for the first time he assumed that Dynamite Kid had died and been reborn in Benoit's body! He then called up Dynamite's home in England (they have phones there!) and was amazed when Dynamite answered! Stu took it upon himself to train Benoit and Benoit later took it upon himself to steal Kevin Sullivan's hot wife and then later to jump to the WWF with the R4dic@lz and then to have a five star plus match with Kurt "not even as good as Val Venis" Angle! Truely Benoit belongs at the VERY TOP of this three!

FUN FACT: Benoit has never lost a match by submission!

3 - Shane McMahon: How can I possibly justify this? Easily! It's all about the percentage of great matches he's had! Yes, Shane is not as a real wrestler and technically it's a disgrace that he's even let in a ring. But of the 17 matches he's had, at least 15 have been five ***** star which means he's 97% a great wrestler which is more than even Benoit! Just look at the legendary match with Kurt "Tazz could beat me in a shoot" Angle at King of the Ring where he CARRIED Angle by letting himself be suplexed on glass six times! And then there was the match with Vince where he did a Van Terminator that was twice as good as RVD's (because the WWF ring is twice as long as the ECDUB one) and his great Greenwitch Street Brawl with Test, although you have to give Pete Gas some of the credit in making that one great! All in al I'd say Shane is the best McMahon ever and should run the WWE because he'd bring back Steve Blackman and it would be party time!

FUN FACT: Shane co-owns a restaurant with Steve Blackman!

2 - Blitzkrieg: You are NOT seeing things! If Shane deserves to be number three for being 97% great then surely Blitzkrieg deserves to be number two with a 99% record! Perfectly logical, captain, as Doctor Spock from Star Trek would say! Not much is known about the mysterious masked man from Berlyn Germany. Some say he might even by Alex Wright in a match but that is pure speculation (personally I think he's Taka Michonuko pretending to be German!) What we DO know is that Blitzkrieg wrestled for WCW in 1999 for seven matches and six of them were five star plus and one (with Juvi who was high that day) was five stars! That makes him ALMOST the perfect wrestler statistically! I was lucky enough to see him in his one and only house show match against Phisocisis and it tore the house down! It was so good that my pen ripped right through my notepad! After the match Blitzkrieg said (in German) "I have wrestled the perfect match. Now I retire." He then left wrestling forever to team wtih Bill Gates on Windows XP and rumor has it he is now 300 pounds and converted to Islam! He will always have a special place in my heart.

FINISHING MOVE: Twist-misty-shooting-star-frogsplash-press!

1 - The Rock: SWERVE! Did you actually think that I would have anyone other than the great one, the people's choice, the best damn wrestler there ever was, the star of Doom and Gridiron Gang, the trailblazin', eyebrow raisin', jabroni beatin', pie eatin', talk of the talk, cock of the walk, layin' the smackdown, the people's champ The Rock as number one? If you did think that then you're dumber than Michael Cole, you jabroni! Quite simply put the Rock is a supermack! As soon as he debuted it was obvious that he was the coolest man on the planet, even under that silly Rocky Miava haircut and costume! Yes, the Rock is hardly a technical master like Benoit or Saturn but why should he used technical moves when he can make the girls cream with a simple punch? Also the Rock NEVER once got tired during his matches, he could do the same great moves after twenty minutes as he could do after two, without even showing that he had been hurt by his opponent! That is the mark of a TRUE wrestling great. The Rock was trained by his dad the late high chief Pete Maivia and his grandad Rocky Johnson in the art of wrestling since he was six months old, younger even than Bret Hart! He dominated the WWF back when it was GOOD and really was the most electrocuting man in sports entertainmenet history, the real total package (talking, wrestling, being cool, turning on girls and gays) with all the tools to be the best if you REEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAD what the Hot Newz is writing! The People's elbow did suck though.

FUN FACT: The Rock's dad cheats at poker!

FUN FACT TOO: The Rock came up with D'Lo Brown's "chest protector" gimmick.

CATCHPHRASE: Too many to list!

TITLES HELD: All the good ones!



Well that's it for the Hot Newz 100, hope you liked it and if you didn't then WRITE YOUR OWN LIST YOU HOMO lol back soon with more Hot Newz!


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