Tuesday, 13 October 2009


OMFG I am back with more Hot NEwz! and the big newz is that the plane flight from hell is back in the newz! Three sexy stewardesses are suing the asses of Ric Flair, Dustin "Goldustin" Rhodes and Scott "AlcoHALLic" Hall! Amonsgst other things (such as GROPING!) they alege that Slick Ric whipped out his slick dick and spun it around like a slick spinning penis! And you may remember taht I interveiwed that late, great, deceased Crash Holly about the plane flight two years ago! But what I didnt tell you back then is that Crash made some additional comments OFF DA RECORD and asked me not to print them! But he's dead now (may he rest in peace, IMHO) so I don't think he'll mind!

Me: So is there anything else you want to say OFF DA RECORD?

Crash: Off the record? You won't tell anyone, Mr. Newz?

Me: You can trust me until the day that you die!

Crash: Oh boy! Well, in that case, I just have to tell someone about this! You know when Mister Flair was strutting about in only his robe? Well, he wasn't just strutting, he was spinning his penis around!


Crash: Yep! And do you know what the really funny thing was? I couldn't take my eyes off it! It hypnotised me! Now I know how he gets all those ladies to go to bed with him! He has an hypnotic spinning penis! Even I wanted to take a ride on Space Monutain when I watched it!

Me: Well that is a kewl ride, Disney rox!

Crash: Yeah. Too bad I'm not tall enough to get on it.

Me: LOL! Anything else you want to tell me, OFF DA RECORD!

Crash: Well, I saw lots of the big wrestlers handing needles to the stewardesses. But when I asked mister Jim Ross why they were doing that, he said they were for Brock Lesnar's diabetes! And when I asked if a side effect of the medication was that his muscles went really big, he said sure and told me to go away!

Me: Oh that explains it!

Crash: And Razor Ramon was kissing a girl! And his tongue even slipped in her mouth somehow! And she said "I can't believe I'm being groped by a five time former InterContinental champion!" then he said "Actually chico, I'm only a four time IC champ" and then she slapped him and looked disgusted and said "Eww, get your hands off me then, I'm going to sue you bad!"

Me: Thanx for da extra OFF AD RECORD info!

So as you can see I knew all the details YEARS before everyone else, just another exlcusive from Hot Newz for you doodz out there in internet land!

I was at the Smacdown taping last night in Las Vegas! ANd here's the results!!!!! But first! Here's the signs I was holding, look out for dem on teevee land!

Brad Shaw = J.R Tolkien (From Dynasty!)

I'm Hot Newz, BEYOTCH! - with an arrow pointing down!

Rikishi = Talentless Piece of Shit!

It's funny, all my other signs were confiscated for having swears on them, but the security guard let me keep the Rikishi one and winked!

First was a dark match with LoKi taking on Funaki! And I was angry to see LoKi trying to get into the WWE because he's an INDY star and should stay indy and wrestle for Ring Of Honor and not be a sell out in my opinion! So I started a "You Sold Out!" chant at LoKi but then I realised he hasn't been signed yet and changed it to a "You Want To Sell Out!" chant! And it put LoKi off so much that he messed up a twisty kick and Funaki got the win and LoKi looked sad afterwards because he knew the WWE would never sign anyone who would mess up a twisty kick and I laughed at him.

Next Josh Matthews and Bill Demont came out for Velocity!!! And when Bill had walked past me and had his back to me I shouted "hey Bill, you stink!" and he span right round and I quickly said "that right there was DEMONT'S TURNING POINT!" but nobody got the joke, dumb marks. First match was that Rey Mystereo guy who used to be on Smackdown last year against that Ultimate Dragon guy who used to be in Japan and Shannon More who used to suck (and still does!) in a triple threat match and I went to get burgers and hot dogs and beer and do a toilet but when I came back ten minutes later the match was STILL going on and I was shocked and happy because the WWE is finally treating the cruiserweights with respect but then Shannon More won by pulling dragons tights and I booed because he isn't supposed to win and pulling the tights is a thing 300 hundred pounders do!

There wasn't anymore Veolocity match (THANK GOD) becasue there's only like 12 wrestlers on the Smackdown roster now anyway. And then Tazz and Cole came out and when Cole walked past me I shoutted "Hey Cole, YOU'RE GAY, GAY GAY GAY, GAYER THAN LIBERACE YOU HOMO" and Tazz laughed at my wit!

Then there was Pyro!!!!

and then finally this hot Mexican chick with big hooting hooters (I wanted to hoot them!) came out and sang the American National Anthem ("Oh say can you SEEEE!" is all I know so I spent most of it trying to pick up a hot goth chick who was sitting behind me, she was singing either because she's an anarchist or something) but then BRAD SHAW~! came out in his AWESOME limo with the horns and now a big cowboy hat on the limo and said "What's this!? A MEXICAN singing the American National Anthem!? Is this what our boys in Iraq are dying for!? I think not! Get back to Mexico with all the other Mexicans, you Mexican!" and gave her the clothesline from Hell! And then said "That's just an example of the kind of thing our boys in Iraq are going to do to all you Mexican border hoppers when they get back from turning Iraq into a fucking parking lot! Now I've got a special video to show to all true patriots out there!" and then a video of Brad Shaw appears and he's on the border again but then the camera points up and you see a sign which says "Canada" on it with an arrow pointing over the border! And Braw Shaw says "That's right, this week I'm stopping border hoppers from getting in via our liberal neighbours in the north! The Canadians don't have proper border control because they're all true busy listening to Bryan Adams probably, but if they're not going to police their borders I will!" and then he sees someone in the bushes and it's a family of Mexicans! And the old Mexican woman says "Please! We are starving! We just want to pick beans for less than minimal wage!" But Brad Shaw says "No deal!" and kicks all their asses and throws them back into Canada!

But while this is going on Eddie Guerrero drives out to the ring in a swank lowrider wearing a sombero and says "hey esse, what joo problem holmes!? You got a problem holmes with my people, esse holmes? Well vato, holmes, don't just sing it, bring it, tonight!" and is ready to fight but Brad Shaw says "Now hold on! This is a fifty thousand dollar suit, I don't want to stain it with your blood!" but then Kurt Angle comes out and says "there's only one way to settle it tonight, in a pinata on a pole match!" and Eddie says "I love it holmes! And if I win, I gets to take a crap in your cowboy hat Brad Shaw AND pee in your boots! Then you have to put them on and walk around the place saying "Mexico rules, holmes!"" and Brad Shaw says "this is a ten thousand dollar hat! And each of these boots cost ten thousand dollars too, twenty thousand for the pair! That's high stakes, so how about if I win your immigration papers, if you even have any, get destroyed and you get deported back to Mexico where you belong!" and Eddy is shocked but Angle says "It's on, whooo!"

Next is the debut of Rico against Nunzio! ANd for Ricos' entrance he comes descending down from the rafters riding on a pink piano! Then he opens up the piano and Miss Jackie comes out and right away has VISIBLE NIP SLIP! Then he just jumps on Nunzio and starts making out with him and Ninzio taps out!

Next up Torrie Wilson is backstage talking to Paul London (but he didnt get any lines!) when a pizza man walks buy with a big pile of pizzas and she asks who they're for and he says The Big Show and Torrie says "oh, I should have known, that's the Showie special: ten pizzas!"

Next was Rene Dupree (with fifi!) against Kidman and Rene won in thirty seconds because Kidman sucks now that he's on the roids but then John Cena comes out and cuts a BRUTAL rap! (Brutal in that it sucked!)

Yo yo yo, chill, chill, you french jackass,

You're so ugly that when you were young Michael Jackson wouldn't even touch you, he gave you a free pass!

Michael Cole is gay, just thought I'd throw that in,

Your dancing elbow ain't the people's elbow, it'll never get the pin!

You french are more evil than Satan, you worship the devil,

You ain't my nizzle, you're just a cracka in the hizzle, fo' shizzle!

I might be white too, that ain't the point, oh please!

The point is you suck, and now I'll shill DEEZ!

And throws his WWE brand nuts into the crowd and I caught them and tried to give them to the goth girl behind me but she said she's allergic and threw them away and I said "Yeah, right on, anarchism!" and threw away my soda to impress her (but this was a stoopid move as I was really thirsty!) And meanwhile Cena gave Fifi the FU and the five knuckle shuffle!

Next it shows Torrie walking in on Big Show's dressing room and he's just finished the last pizza! And he asks her to stay and she says she has to go but when she tries to get out the door is locked and Show says "But in insist! You think it's funny that I have an eating disorder, do you? Well how about I force YOU to eat ten pizzas, then we'll be even!" and Torrie is shocked and it shows Kurt Angle watching on a monitor and he says "Hey wait a minute, if she eats ten pizzas she'll get fat, and she's only on the show for virgins to masturwank over so we can't have that!"

Next was Spike Dudley versus Mark Jindrak!! and before da match Teddydore Long explained that Jindrak's great great great great great grandfather was black and that's why he manages him now! And Mark picked up Spike with two hands and threw him over the top right into the crowd! And the fans were supposed to catch Spike and throw him back (like in ECDUB!) but they were all marks and didnt know that and he just splatted on the concrete! Then goth gril SPIT right on Spike and I got hard (in my pants)!

Next up "No Chance In Hell" plays to a big pop and Vince McMahon comes out! And Vince says "Well quite frankly since there's only about ten wrestles on Smackdown now I'm going to eat up some time by talking!" but he's interrupted by Sable's music and then Sable comes out and her implants arent leaking anymore! And Sable says "this is for all the men who want to be me and the girls that come to see me! Are you ladies ready for the GRIND!?" and does the Grint but Vince says "Uhh, didn't you get that backwards, Sable?" and she says no and then Dawn Marie comes out and she and Sable start making out! And Vince grins and says "now this is more like it, yeah!" but then the lights go out and a voice says "THE DEAD WILL RISE AGAIN RIGHT NOW" and Vince says "Oh crap, not the Undertaker again!" and hides under the ring but when the lights come back on Al Wilson is in the ring!!!!!! And Al says "I've come back for you, Dawn!" but Dawn is scared and says "I don't want to date a zombie! I'm not Dawn of the Dead!" but Al says "I'm not a zombie, I've just been in a coma, my lovely wife!" but Dawn says she's with Sable now but Al pulls out a contract which says Dawn is his property and Dawn says "Damn, I knew I shouldn't have let him write the vows!" and he puts her in handcuffs and laughs evily and drags her backstage!

Meanwhile it shows Big Show and Torrie and now torrie has eaten one whole pizza which is the most pizza she's ever eaten in one sitting and she starts throwing up and Big Show says "If you're not going to eat the pizza....then prehaps I should eat YOU!" and Torrie says "Well, okay..." and starts to take her skirt off but Show says "No, not like THAT" and grabs a knife and fork and starts licking his lips and Torrie backs away scared!

Then meanwhile also backstage Kurt Angle is still walking to Show's locker room but The Dudleyz and Rikish and Scotty stop him and ask if they can have there match now but Kurt says there's no time for them this week! And they just start wrestling in the corridors but the camera man follows Kurt instead of filiming them because nobody wants to see the Dudleyz and Too Cool wrestle again!

Meanwhile backstage Brad Shaw has started a finance advice group (or somethign!) for young Americans! And a white teenager walks up to him and he says "Welcome to the group son, I'll show you how to have more money more fast!" and then a black teenager walks over and Brad Shaw says "Everyone's welcome, all proud young americans!" then an asian guy walks in and Brad Shaw says "Your more than welcome here!" and then a Mexican kid is about to walk in but Brad Shaw says "WHAT THE HELL, A DIRTY MEXICAN, GET THE HELL OUT, I'M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU PEOPLE THE SECRETS OF MAKING AMERICAN MONEY!" and kicks the crap out of him! Then I turned to Goth chick and said in a sarscastic voice "do you think that maybe Brad Shaw has a little proble with mexicans?" and she said "well duh dumbass, he hates them!" and didn't get me SUBTLE HUMOR at all so screw her she was ugly anyway!

Meanwhile Al is dragging Dawn Marie into his car when Chavo Guerrera Senoir walks up and says "hey! Leave that beatuiful mamacita alone, you big bully!" and Al says "Are you saying you want to wrestle me next week with ownership of my wife Dawn on the line?" and Chavo says "Don't make me say it twice, bitch!" and the security guards have to hold them back from fighting so next week it's Chavo Senoir versus Al Wilson for ownership of Dawn Marie!

Next in the ring (there's a ring on Smackdonw still!) it's Booker T versus RVD! And RVD goes for teh frog splash but misses! Then Booker goes for the harlem scissors kick and misses! and and then RVD goes for the frog splash but misses again! Then Booker goes for the scissors kick but he misses again!!! and then they both just fall over exhasuted and it's a double knockout and everyone boos but I gave a standing ovation for the great action. And then Paul Heyman comes out(!) and says to RVD "Hey Rob, I'm starting my own company, and it's going to be EXTREME, want to come to work for us?" and RVD says "dude, you're restarting ECDUB?" and Heyman says "For legal reasons we can't call it ECDUB anymore!" and RVD says "dude, but it'll just be like ECDUB?" and Heyman says "Yes, it'll be hardcore!" and RVD says "like ECDUB dude!" and Heyman says "Yes but don't say that!" and RVD says "Well hurry up and start it then my contracts up in two weeks!"

Then there's refeerees helping Booker backstage and he collapses! So they rush him to hospital!!!

Angle walks in on Torrie and Show but Torrie isn't there but her dress and underwear are lying on the floor and Show is wiping his mouth with a napkin! And Angle says "Oh my God I can't believe it, you ate her up! That's going to be a lawsuit, pal, nobody gets away with cannabalism with me as General Manager!" but then Torrie comes out the shower wearing nothing but a smile (and a towel) and says "Oh, Show decided not to eat me, so we had sex instead. I was just having a shower!" and Angle says "oh, that's cool then!" but Show says "I can't believe you thought I was going to eat her, RRRRARGH!" and chokslams ANgle right into the pizza boxes!

And then "Self High Five" plays and DPP comes out! And he says "Bang! Yo it's me, it's me, it's that double D P, back in black and back on Smackdown! You know, my doctors said I'm too old to wrestle! They said I was risking serious injury by getting into the ring again! And they were right! But that's never stopped me before, BANG!" but then Hardcore Holly comes out and says "What the hell is this? What are you doing here, on tv? I've been in the WWE for ten years and I hardly ever get on tv, but you just come out here and get on Smackdown in your first match, you've got no respect for the business, that's why I broke your neck! You have to start at the bottom and work your way up!" then DDP says "man, I hit rock bottom when I lost to you, badda bang!" and Hardcore went crazy and start punching and kicking DDP in the corner for REAL like he did to that 15 year old on Tough Enough until DDP was bleeding out of his eyes and nose and ears and Holly said "how do you like me now!" and walked away! Then Lilian came into the ring and said "and the opponent!" and UNDERTAKER come out and I shouted "do it for Sara!" and he tombstoned DDP right on the broken neck and pinned him! Then Undertaker just stood in the ring pumping his fist in the air for five minutes while "rollin' rollin' rollin'!" played! Then tombstoned DDP again!

Next was fianlly time for teh long await pinata on a pole match between Eddy and Brad Shaw! And Eddie was winning it somehow even though Brad Shaw is two foot taller and he climbed up to the top of the pole then climbed onto the pinata and did a frog splash onto Brad Shaw from the top of the pinata! And then he climbed up again to try and break the pinata (that's how you win the match!) but it wouldnt break and Eddie said "esse, this pinata is made out of concrete holmes!" and Brad Shaw gave him the clothesline from hell and then he pulled a SECOND pinata out from under the ring and laughed evil and broke that one and said "this was the official pinata, you dumb Latino CHEAT!" and inside it were Eddie's citizenship papers and Brad Shaw tore them up! And said "now you have to get the F out of America, love it or leave it!" and the police came out and handcuffed Eddie who was crying and Brad Shaw kicked the shit out of him while he was handcuffed then gave a bribe to the police to ignore that and they dragged him back to Mexico! Then Kurt Angel came out (covered in pizza lol!) and said "Now that Eddie's back in Mexico where he belongs I'm rewarding the WWE title to the man who truely deserves it Brad "Justin Hawk Leyfield" Shaw on it's true it's true!" and Brad Shaw took the belt and kissed it!

And then finally to end the show on the oval tron it showed Booker T in the hospital and his doctor walked in with an x-ray of Bookers legs and said "I'm afraid it's not good, Mister T. The reason you fell over is because you have LEG CANCER!" and Booker started crying and this is going to be the start of a sensitive storyline where Booker bravely fights leg cancer and Vince thinks it'll turn the ratings around!

It was the best show I've ever been too11111!

Backlash is THIS Sunday! But since WWE is still banning it's workers from leaking the rewsults to me (Fascist Nazi Commies!) I'll just tell you how I would book it!

Tajiri versus Coach

This should be a long, hard thought match with Tajiri hitting many kicks but eventually Coach uses his size advantage to get the win with the Coachbomb (powerbomb!)

Chris Jericho versus Christian and Trish

Trish should work 95% of this match as she has more moves than Christian (all he has is the choke and the dreaded chinlock!) and is sexier! And Jericho should hit her with a chair and Trish should blade then Jericho should say "Hey, is it your TIME OF THE MONTH already?" to a big pop to give his character an EDGE! and then win.

Kane versus Edge

Edge SUCKS now! He's just another boring, roided, horse-faced blond! They should reunite him with Christian and let the Era Of Awesomeness be an era again! But if they have to have this match I'd have Kane rip Edge's cast off then try to chokeslam him but Edge pulls ANOTHA cast out his tights and hit Kane with taht for the win to give his character an EDGE (no pun intended!)

Victoria versus Lita

Since they cant wrestle for shiznit, I'd just have them rolling about on the mat touching each other to get all teh bois (like me!) horny! And then Victoria accidently pulls Lita's bra off and rolls her up while she's trying to get it back on for the win! Then Lita should choke Victoria out with her bra because it would give her charcter an EDGE (and we'd get to see her topless!)

Shelton Benjamin versus Rick Flair

Everyone on the internet is saying Flair will carry him to a good match...which shows how stupid everyone on the internet is! Flair's like sixty now and hasn't had a good match since 1994! Maybe Flair hipnotised them all with his spinning penis, ROLFZ! Shelton should win QUICKLY with a Shelter Splash before Flair EMBARRASSES himself (or is able to whip out his spinning penis!)

Mick Foley versus Randy Orton

Foley hasnt won a match this milenium! So he should win this one easily since Randy is overrated and only getting a push because his dad is Hillbilly Jim or someone! Then Mick should feud with Matt Hardy Version one-aaaaaah! But WWE will just do something boring like have Randy win with a RKO of the top of the arena onto a huge barbwire statue of Triple H, yawn!

Chirs Benoit versus Shawn Michaels versus Criple H

Meltzer has reported that Bret Hart will NOT interfere in the match. BUT! That doesn't mean they can't have a mysterious masked man run in through the crowd and punch out Triple H then put Shawn in the sharpshooter! And that doesnt mean Chirs can't say "thanks Bret!" to the mysterious masked man then pin Shawn!

Its going to be the best shaw EVEEEEER! (as long as they do my bleeding Trish idea!)

I'll be bizzizzack sizzizzoon with more Hot Newz, BIAAAAAAATCH!


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