Thursday, 15 October 2009

4/10/06 - Top 100, part one (100-81)!

OH NOES MY GOD (ONMG!) I am back onces again with more hizzot newz! Did you have a good summer? I sure did! I'vee been hanging around the beaches SCORING with hot chicks and watching even hotter chicks frollick around in bikinis and topless (and sometimes bottomless at FULL NUDE BEAACHES!) So I've had a good time but I knew it must come to an end when the time came when I had to return with more hot newz and that time is now so you better recognise (RIP D'Lo Brown) just who the hell I am!

Here's the twizzist: I'm NOT returning with more hot newz! I am instead returning with my list of the top 100 wrestlers of all time! Tahts' right, 100! I've been watching wrestling since before most of you were even born (1998) so I know what I'm talking aboot (canadian lol!) I have probably no exeggeration or hyperbolley seen a MILLION wresrlers wrestle int he sport of wrestling in my time a fan so it's EASY AS A PIE for me to write this list and frankly I could write a top ONE THOUSAND wrestlers list if I wanted but I know all you kids today have ADHD from watching MTV and Michael Bay movies so you won't be able to cope with that! In fact I'm breaking down (DX!) this list into five easy chunks just so that your asses stand a better chance of understanding it (I know most of you probably won't!) so here's the first part numbers 100-81 AND THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE BECAUSE I'M COLD (the air con is on too strong!)

100 - David "Dave" Batista: You might be thinking it means Batista is good because he's in the top 100 out of a million but all that proves is that the other 900 thousand wrestlers SUCK HARDER THAN VACUUMS! Batista is a bad worker! Batista's punches are so fake that when he throws them there's enough room between his fist and his opponents face to fit a copy of THE BIBLE! His spinebuster is just a doulbe leg takedown because he deosnt spin around proper;ly like Arn Anderson (not listed) does! And that Batista bomb is LAME because he sits down then rolsl backwards and then goes for the pin! Just hold them down you moronetin! HOWEVER, da reason why he makes the list at all is because he's got charimsa like the Ultimate Warrior (listed) and that counts for a lot in this business we call show. Shame about the man boobs!

FUN FACT: Batista is Jewish!

99 - Jim "The Anvile" Nindhart: MWAHAHAHAHA! That is the tradmark evil laugh of Jim the Anvil which is burned into the brains of all true wresteling fans (like me). But if you've only seen the Anvil in the WWF then you haven't seen the REAL Jim Nindhart! The Anvil debuted in his native Canada in the seventies and back then he was considered a great worker! Even though he only did powerslams and clotheslines in the WWF, that was just becasue he'd gotten fat and lazy, he used to do suplexes and submissions and everythign and everything! The Anvil had a long feud with The Dynamite Kid and the British bulldog when they were still pups (GET IT LOL!) and carried them to some great matches all over Canada in front of up to 100 fans sometimes and many credit him with teaching them how to work! He also has a kewl beard!

FUN FACT: The Anvil once cheated on his wife (some Hart girl!) with the Dynamite Kid's wife (some other Hart girl!) but Stu walked in on them and spoiled teh love-making!

98 - Diamond "DDP" Dallas Page: Self heil five! That was a little NAZI joke and if you're offended by that your probably also offended by DDP's disgusting greasy leather skin, toothless smile, stringy hair and crappy tattoos! However, DDP is living proof that you should NOT judge a book by it's cover! If you were to judge DDP by his cover you'd find him GUILTY and sentence him to DEATH by being HUNG, DRAWEN ON and TORN INTO LITTLE QUARTERS like in Mel Gibson's classic fantasy film Brave Heart! Despite looking like Michael Jackson's ANUS, DDP is actually a great worker! In WCW in 1998 and 1999 he carried many bad workers to ***** five star matches such as Raven, Sting, Randy Savage, Van Hammer, NWO Sting, NWO DDP, Goldberg and Dean Malenko! Once DDP went to the WWE they forced him to do a lame self help character (what do you mean it was his idea!?) and then his career was ended when Hardcore Holly broke his neck as a rib (couldn't have have just broken a rib!?) But we will always remember him for his beautiful matches and NOT his hideous face! BANG!

FUN FACT: DDP was Eric Bischoff's karate instructer before he became a wrestler!

FUC FACT TWO: DDP once won the WCW title four times on a single episode of Nitro!

97 - Giant Bah Bah: No he isn't some unknown Dudley brother but rather a Japanese wrestling legend! In Japan wrestling is called puroworkrah which means "pure workrate" because in Japan wrestling is allabout the workrate, brother! The Gaint made his debut sometime in the mid 20th century and dominated Japan for over twenty years or so! He beat all the great Japanese greats of the time (like Anthony Inoki and Rikizan and Taka Michinoku's dad) and even wrestled Hulk Hogan in front of 300,000 fans at the Baseball stadium in Tokyo! Bah Bah hit his big chop to the head (like the Great Khali!) on Hogan and it looked like he was out but Hogan Hulked up and hit three punches a big boot and a legdrop but then just posed instead of making the pin and the match was declared a one hour draw! Some fans still consider it the greatest match of all time!

FUN FACT: Japanese wrestlers are hit with bamboo sticks until their peeing blood every day for the first five years of their career!

96 - Billy Kidman: This is of course the old WCW Billy Kidman and not the fat, rodied version who didn't even wear a vest that was in the WWE! Kidman was once a high-flying skilled cruiserweight who had five star matches with Rey Mysterio and Lenny Lane and his shooting star press was more beautful than Nitro Girl Che (REMEMBER HER?) However, tragedy struck one day when he was wrestling William Regal (then know by his real name of Steven Williams) and his foot got stuck on the top rope in the middle of his shooting star press. Kidman landed RIGHT ON HIS HEAD and broke his neck in 8 places. During his time in hospital, the beautiful Torrie Wilson nursed him back to health (with sex) and the two of them soon fell in love and got married! Kidman then realised that now that he was sleeping with a fine piece of ass like Torrie's ass that meant he didn't have to be a good wrestler anymore so he started sucking (down the roids!) Ironically Torrie lost respect for him when she started having better matchs than he did and she dumped his Kid-ass. The moral of this story? Bros before hos!

FUN FACT: You CAN powerbomb Kidman but it's tricky!

95 - Chyna: Don't treat her like a woman! Don't treat her like a man! Just treat her like a robot! That's right, Chyna is the first (AND NOT THE LAST) woman to make it onto this list! How can I justify it? Simple, before Chyna got all arrogant and started refusing to job to anyone with a Y chromosome (I think that's the girl chromosome anyway!) she was actually a good worker! Don't believe me? Well go back and watch her match with Jericho at Surivovr Series 99 and be amazed, it wasn't Jericho carrying the match! Want to be even mizzore amazed? Tehn watch the legendary "bad house-keeping " match wtih Jeff Jarett at Over The Edge where Chyna not only carries the worst wrestler in the world (Jarrett!) to a good match, she also makes a cake! Now tell me Chyna always sucked! And she deserves points for beating the shit out of X-Pac too!

FUN FACT: Chyna is currently unemployable!

94 - Jeff Jarreett: Ain't he great! No. He sucks. So why is he on this list? It's not because of his current run with TNA:NWA where he's held the TNA title twelve times for a total of five years (and the promotion's only been running for four!) and yet has had a grand total of ZERO great matches. It's not for his disasterous run as WCW champion where ratings were so low that statistically only me and my senile grandfather were watching. It's not for the fact that he held the WWF Intercontinatl title seven times and had horribly boring matches with Razor Ramon. It's not even for his time in OVW, USWA, Smoky Mountain and all the other southern wrasslin' companies, because he sucked back then too. No, it's not for only of that. It's for the fact that, at SOME point in the past, Jeff Jarrett MUST have been a great wrestler with great interview skills capable of putting on great matches. After all, why else would he keep getting pushed for the last fifteen years, keep getting titles reigns, if he hadn't been good at SOME POINT in history? So this ranking is dedicated to the Jeff Jarrett that must have been but has never been seen!

FUN FACT: Jeff Jarrett's fake cardboard guitars are made by a company in Florida which also makes RAT POISON!

93 - Max Mini: Yes that's right, a litte person (midget/dwarf) made the list and I'm not talking about Rey Misterio (though he's at number 7!) Max Mini was one of the WWF's biggest stars in 1997 (not in height or weight, obviously!) Like all Mexican wrestlers 90% of the moves he did were variations of the armdrag, but because he was so small (fifty pounds!) he could do some really WACKY variations that put a smile on every wrestling fans face for a few months before Vince stopped booking him. You might be thinking "oh come on Hot Nez, you're a respect journalist and I've never disagreed with one of your brilliant opinions before but I am disagreeing NOW, damn it!" To which I say, SUCK IT BIATCH! Max Mini is the 93rd greatest wrestler POUND FOR POUND okay so even if his matches get boring after two minutes you have to remember that he's only one sixth the size of say the undertaker so mutiple it by six and you get twelve minutes which is as about as long as the Undertaker as can go okay so now you see the method to my manaicness, MAX MINI 4 LIFE.

FUN FACT: Mick Foley bought Max Mini for his kids in 1999 and they drew on him!

92 - Repo Man: Repo Man? OH HELLS YEAH! If you're thinking that Repo Man was just some lame mid-card heel that never ammounted to anything then think again, sunshine! Repo Man used to be one half of Demolition, the greatest tag team of all time, Ax and Smash! And not just anyone, but the GOOD one out of those two (I can't remember which)! That's right, underneath that bondage mask and Demolition warpaint beat the heart of a repo man! After Demolition lost a "loser can't wear facepaint" match to the LOD, Ax (or Smash) went back to his old job of a repo man but the WWF out of the kindess of their heart hired him! He had some good matches with the Big Bossman too at houseshow and you might be able to find them on YouTube! So the next time some punk says "Repo Man scuked!" hit back with "Yeah? Did DEMOLITION suck!? Here comes tha axe, here comes the smasher!" and give them a rock bottom!

CATCHPHRASE: "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine as well! Especially your wife!"

91 - Carlito Carrubeing Cool: Here's one in the eye for all you newbie fairweather fans who only started watching in JULY probably and think Carlito should be in the top ten you LOSERS! Carlito is a rip-off of the Rock right down to the haircut (but he changed it so you can't tell it's a rip-off BUT IT IS) and even the apple-eating was was done by Kamala in Mephis in case you didn't know (which you didnt!) Just becuase Carlito flips and flops around the ring SOMETIMES (he doesn't do it every match becaue he's lazy!) doesn't make him a good worker, it makes him a good flipper-flopper! HOWEVer he is quite good I think and his dropkick is even better than Eric Watts (some guy who did the best dropkick ever back in the eighties!) and he did have a REAL LIFE affair with Trish recently so that makes him a good pick for number 91, IMMMMHOOOOOOO!

FUN FACT: Carlito is bisexual.

90 - Luke The Bushwhacker: Crikey! Again I hate to be MISTER NO IT ALL (well, not really, in fact I lizzove it!) but I have to tell you that at one time Luke was a respected hardcore superstar! Back in the late seventies and early sixties the Bushwhackers were known as the sheepfixers in their native Australia and they practically invented hardcore wrestling having wild brawls wiht all the top australian stars like Outback Jack and Crocodile Dundee Senoir! They eventually sold out and become comedy BASTARDS in the WWF but that shouldn't take away from the greatness that went before and soemtimes at house shows you'd see them still go hardcore just as an extra special treat! So Luke really was a great worker and deserves on this list. Butch, on the other hand, sucks!


89 - Raven: CAW CAW CAW! Raven started wresting at Jonathan Polo in the WWF in the early nineties and soon won attention with his workrate and goatee beard! However WWF wouldnt push him because he was too skinny (ironic given that he's a FAT OX now) so he became disunillusioned and became a depressed goth and started writing poems about "dark crystals" and cutting himself! With Kurt Kobain dead, Paul Heyman knew that there was now room for Raven in the main event of ECW and quickly signed him! Raven had legendary feuds with the Sandman, Tommy Dreamer and Mustafa (from the Gangstas!) where he did stuff like abducting their kids and sleeping with their wives and crucifying them, the kind of thing the WWF STOLE for its so called "attitude era" (should have called it the "RAVENITUDE AEA!" Like every wrestler ever except The Rock and Waylon Mercy, Raven stayed wrestling WAY past his prime and is currently in TNA trying to eat Spike Dudley or something. However in his day he changed the face of wrestling and if you listen to his shoot interviews he had lots of sex too and I know about both those things first hand (changing the face of wrestling and having sex) so big up to the Raven!

FUN FACT: Raven went to summer camp with Tommy Dreamer, Beulah McGullicutty and Paul Heyman...and they all did a lot of drugs!

88 - Farruq: The first black man to EVER hold a title and no I don't just mean he picked up a title belt backstage and held it while nobody was looking, he actually won one! Farook gave Vader a powerslam RIGHT THROUGH THE RING (not literally) to win the WCW title back in the early nineties I think! He lost it to Sid or someone lame a few days later but it's still an achievement! Faaroque later went on to convert to islam and found the Nation Of Domination and taught the Rock how to be a heel in the WWF! He was kicked out of the Nation when he started to suck but rebounded by forming comedy tag team with the legendary John "Brad Shaw" Leyfield, then known simple as Brad Shaw and they drank a lot of beer, played a lot of cigars and smoked a lot of cards! I think he runs a strip club with the Godfather and Val Venis now.

FUN FACT: I can't think of any.

87 - Justin Incredible: The former ECW champion and Spanish man of war is one of the most underrated stars in wrestling today! Most people think he sucks when in fact he's actually average! He had a decent superkick and wore lame cut-off jeans instead of tights but it was enough to wint he ECW title 8 times in less than a month! Incredible was one of the FIRST stars of the old ECW that vince called (after Sandman, Dreamer, Guido, Tazz, Joey Styles, RVD, Sabu, Balls Mahoney, Big Guido and Bobby Funstuff) to be part of the new ECW and Justin has played his part (jobbing to everyone in less than a minute) with style! He'll probably be employed as a professional wrestler for many more weeks and months to come and that's more than most people can say!

FUN FACT: X-Factor was all Justin's idea!

FUN FACT TOO: In cult wrestling rockumentary "Above and Beyond the Mat", Justin's name was embarrassingly mispelt as Justin Credible!

86 - Randy Orton: Yep, it's another one of them hot young stars who isn't as good asthe marks (you!) think he is! However to be fair he is actually quite a decently good wrestler. THe problem with Randy is that he's always getting into trouble for having sex with hot women then being mean to them backstage! Now I know better than most how much fun it is to have sex with hot women and how it can be even MORE fun to be mean to them, but if you want to be a wrestler you have to have your head in the game (not Triple H)! Orton has now been suspended so many times that they just let him keep wrestling while he's suspended and then HE pays the WWE money afterwards! However he has beaten some impressive legends (SEE BELOW) so he deserves his 84 placement for that!

LEGENDS BEATEN: Mick Foley, Ric Flair, HHH, The Undertaker (by dq!), Jake the Snake, some baseball player, Sable, Honky Tonk Man and Shane McMahon!

85 - Chavo Classic: Arriba las wrestler! Chavo's fat dad was once a big star in Mexico! And he had a good match wtih Jackeline on Smackdown once. So that's why he's on the list!

FUN FACT: In Mexico, wrestling is so popular that even the pope would watch it if he was Meixcan (but he's not!)

84 - Robbie: Yes that's right, THAT Robbie! You might think he's just a comedy wrestler, however, once again you're wrong! You've been wrong so many times today that I'm embrrassased for you! Robbie is a veteran who wrestled in his native Scotland for YEARS before selling out to the WWE. That's right, they have wrestling in Scotland! In fact, Robbie was the WORLD champion of the Scottish Wrestling Federation, after he beat Rory for that belt! And okay there were only four wrestlers in the Scottish wrestling federation at the time and one of them had a wooden leg but it's still an achievelishment! If you doubt Robbie's great technical skills then go back and rematch one of his matches with the Spirit Squad and you'll see him doing technical moves like a sunset flip! Hopefully the highlanders will get fired soon so he can go to Ring of Honor and REALLY ply his trade!

FUN FACT: He's Robbie!

83 - Abraham Lincoln: Yes that's right, THAT Abrahamn Lincoln! No, I'm not on drugs (well only weed but that's not effecting my judgment!) he really was a wrestler! Jim Cornett said so on RAW once in 1998 so it must be true because Cornette is old school and wouldn't lie! Honest Abe was one of the first NWA champions and probably defended the belt against many other people in wrestling matches! And if eh's good enough to free the slaves then he must be good enough to make this list!

FINISHING MOVE: Headlock (it was the olden days!)

82 - Disco Inferno: Disco fever, yeah yeah yeah yeah! Disco made his debut in WCW in the nineties and things were looking good for his career as he had good matches with people like Chavo Guerrero and Mongo MicMichael and Jacqueline (again!) Then Russo took over and he started teaming up with the Disco Duck (which wasn't even a real duck!) and things were looking bad. Then he joined TNA and things were looking good again! Then he just vanished and nobody knows where he is. So that's bad!

CATCHPHRASE: Disco Inferno doesn't advertise!

81 - Jeff Hardy: Team Extreme 4life! You might think I'm rating him too highly based on how he's all wobbly now, but Jeff actually used to be good! He was the Omega world champion many times (he beat Matt for the belt!) and then of course he made his debut against Razor Ramon in the WWF when he was just 13 years old! And nearly died! Jeff bounced back (off the mat when Razor slammed him down hard!) and formed his legendery tag team with Matt and Lita back when she was hotter (she's still quite hot!) Jeff was the first man in wrestling to jump from the top rung of a 16 foot laddder (Shawn Michaels only jumped from the top of a twelve foot one the pussy!) and for a while it looked like he was the future of all of wrestling! However things went wrong when he joined his band Peroxideoxidemytearsarebloodgener8tionY and became more interested in DRUGS and SEX (a certain type of sex with a certain gender of men if you know what i mean!) rather than wrestling and now he sucks and will probably get fired in a few weeks or even by the time I post this! The girls still like him though, because girls are stupid.

FUN FACT: Jeff likes his chicken spicy!

Well that's all for nizzow, I'll be back with another update to this great list soon, you can write your own list while you wait if you want but there's no point because you're a nobody and no one will read it so you might as well just google image search "Lita back in 2000 when she was REALLY hot, dood!" and masturwank to the results instead of wasting your time you LOSER! See you soon¬!!1


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