Sunday, 11 October 2009


OMFGOL (OMFG Out Loud!) I am back doodz with mizzore hot newz! I've been busy for the last six months writing my first book, The Hot Guide To Wrestling: A Fanz Look At Wrestling From The View Of The Eyez Of A Fan!, but I didnt forget about my peepz and peepettes and peeposexuals! And teh big newz is that HHH is STILL on tv despite leaving to make a movie! And for the next three weeks Crips will only be seen in backstage bits with Evolution, but he won't really be there! He'll film his scenes in his trailor on his movie sex and will be seemlessly added into the backstage bits by the magic of CGI, just like how they inserted JFK into that movie about him after he died! A lesser writer than me would say that they should use a CGI Trips at Armageddon and it would probably be a better match lol! But that wouldnt make any sense!

WWE is going to release Goldust (that's insider talk for FIRE HIS ASS!) in January! And it happened because Terri Runnels is sick and tired of working with her ex husband so she's marched into Vince's office and said "It's him or man, McMahon!" and even though Terri looks about 50 and all she does is hold a microphone and Goldust is a good worker and talker and was involved in some of the funniest wrestling skits ever last year wtih Booker T, Terri has fake boobs so Vince choo-choo choosed her! And Goldust will no9w wrestle for TNA as Whitedust and his gimmick will be that he snorts cocaine!

Gail Kim broke her collar bone when she messed up a dropkick in a match with Trish Stratus and will be out of action for 18 months! And during the time off she'll be getting breast implants, doing a photo shoot for PlayBoy, doing an interview with a magazine for Asian women where she'll tak about what a positive role model she is to young asians and filming a guest apperance in an episode of Alias where she plays a Ninja assassassin! And she might even learn some wrestling moves, but probably not, lol!

RVD did a radio inteview on Gerry and Mike's Wrasslin Party Zone where he once again launched a cryptic attack on Criple H! RVD said "Dudes, let's just say that there's one big nosed wrestler who's been holding me down, making sure I don't win the world title. Let's just say there's been one wrestler, who's married to...someone's daughter by the way, who fears RVD's popularity! Let's just say that there's one wrestler with three initials who can kiss my ass and suck my dick! Not in a gay way, but because I hate him, dudes! Three initials, think about that...and it's not RVD because why would I tell myself to kiss my own ass and suck my own cock, that would be whacked dude and it's not even possible anyway!" OMG, he'll be fired!

John Heidernike will reveal the secret of Little Johnny on the next RAW! Coach will interview him in the ring and ask what it's all about and say taht he thinks Hidernech is just making it up and John will get angry and says "I'm going to whip my Little Johnny out and piss all over the ring!" And Coach will tell him not to but Hiedurneck will reach into his pants...and pull out a fluffy white rabbit! And Coach will sayz "oh, Little's Johnny's just a rabbit!" and Hiddenrike will say yeah then suddenly pull his pants and underpants down and start peeing all over Coach as JR screams "GO TO COMMERCIAL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THEY'LL THROW US OFF THE AIR, GO TO COMMERCIAL, I'VE GOT FOUR DAMN CHILDREN TO FEED, I AIN'T LOSING MY BY GAWD JOB AGAIN!"

WWE has signed Matt Morgan, Rob Conway, the midget from RAW, Maurice from The Cat video, two of the dancing girls from the Cat video, the APA's butler, Al Wilson and that t-shirt guy Rosey attacked a while ago to long term contracts!

The Rock's next movie will be a movie version of Grand Theft Auto in which he'll play a lovabel pimp!

Teh WWE has allready planned out the whole angle with Trish/Jericho and Lita/Christian! And it'll all cum to a head in three weeks time on RAW when Jericho finally beds Trish and christian finally bedz Lita! And it just so happens that they're all in the some hotel and their rooms are next to each other! And we just see the two doors of the rooms then we hear Trish screaming in pleashure(!) and Jericho comes running out in his underpants and sez "YES, I did it, I won the bet!" and it turns out he and Christian had a bet over who could make a Diva orgasm first! And Trish and Lita run away crying then next week Jericho is backstage at RAW when Trish shows up and says "I'm pregnant!" and Jericho's shocked! And then Trish says Jericho doesnt have to worry because she's going to have an abortion and she leaves to go to teh abortion clinic! And Christian's like "dood, your the mackdaddy!" but Jericho looks confused and sad and says he thinks he might have real feelings for Trish! So he goes to the one person on the RAW rooster who knows more about women than anyone: Sexual Choclate Mark Henry! And they have a long talk and Henry tells him to follow his heart and let it lead him and Jericho says he will and rushes to the abortion clinic! And when he gets there he sees Trish standing in the hall and runs up to her and says "Trish, I'm so glad I got here in time! I love you! I know what I did was horrible, I really do have feelings for you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you! I want you to have my baby!" and Trish starts crying and says "I love you too, Chris!" and they make out! But then Trish says "But, uhh, I already had the abortion" and Jericho shrugs his shoulders and says "Oh well, plenty more where that came from, baby!" and they both laugh!


Steiner stole Triple H's roids!

Release Nash instead of Goldust!

Maven, just hurry up and turn heel, this angle sucks!

I stunned my girlfriend because she doesn't like beer!


Eddie stole my sign and used it as a taco shell!

Bring back Kidma...ah, never mind, he sucks!

Matt Morgan and Nathan Jones = Kronik Version 2.0!

Spanky and Paul London are hot! - I dont find them hott, I'm not a queergay, but if the WWE thinks women and gaydos find them hot, they might put them on Smackdown!

I was at Smackdown tappings in NEW YORK CITY! last night! And I got free comp tickets sent to me misteriously but teh return address said "H. H. Helmsley" so I think Triple H, the greatest wrassler of all tizzime by the way, is paying me back for putting him over in my last colum! Youre welcome, Trip! You scratch my itch I'll massage your back as the old saying goes! Unfortunatley when I called my girlfriend to go she said she was going to a party then when I asked her which party and why I wasnt invited the phone just disconnected us strangley, so I took my best friend ELECTRICDAVE with me instead! and he's called that because he ate a light bulb once...when it was still screwed into a lamp and turned on!!!

First was a dark match and Kanyon came out and hes still trying out new gimmicks and he came out dressed as Gandalf from The Lord Of The Rings! And when his oponent Scott Vick started walked down the aisle, Kanyon stood in his way and said "You cannot pass!" and when Vick tried to walk by him Kanyon jumped in front of him and said "You SHALL NOT PASS!" and it was a double countout!

Next was Velocity tapings! And the first match was Worlds Greatest Tag Team versus Spanky and Paul Londen and I was like "OMG, this is a workrate dream!" And Dave wanted to go get food but I held him down and forced him to watch! And Captain Lou Albano(!) came out during the match taking notes on both teams! And the it ended when the black one from WTGT pinned Spanky after four action packed minutes and it was definately a match of the year and I gave the workers a standing ovation afterwards!

Next was Rakishy versus Jonny The Bull and I thought it was going to suck but actually this match owned because Johnny The Bull is underrated and carried Rikishas ass all the way! And at one point he even picked Rikashi's big fat body up above his head in a gorilla press and it made this match even BETTAR than the workrate tag match! And I shouted "Throw his fat ass to fat person hell, Johnny!" and three little ten year old Rukishi fans got angry and tried to attack me and Dave, but I knocked two of there heads together like Hogan used to do and Dave gave the other a rock bottom right on the bleachers! But the kid didnt move for a few minutes after that and we got scared and moved seats (the arena was half empty!) so we wouldnt get arrested or something and missed the end of the match but someone said Rakishi won when he sat on Johnny so I take back what I said earlier, this match SUXED!

Next was Ultimate Dragon and Funaki versus Nunzeo and Shanon Moore but this sucked because Dragon was good in the early nineties why he was in WCW feuding with Sting but he's too old now and he should retire with dignity so Dave and I spent the match chatting up two girls in Hardy Boyz shirts but they had boyfriend but they were skanks anyway!

Finaly it was time for Smackdown!! And first of all Paul Heymen came out so of course I started a chant of "Easy Dub" for my hero and he took a bow! And he announced that since Hardcore Holly wants Brock Lesnar so bad he can have him an arm wrestling match! And he also said that since Benoit was "unfinished business" with the A-Train they'll fight once again! Plus a special surprise which will change the face of the entire wrestling industry! Great Mike work from Heyman here!!!!

First was benoti versus Albert-Train and this was a great match thanx to Benoit! He did all his moves like chops and germans and i marked out then he put Albert in the sharpshooter and I was going crazy! But then suddenly Rhyno came out of the crowd in street clothes and we were all shocked to see him and he had shaved his head bald and died his beard white! And then he just gored Benoit and said "You think it's fucking over? IT'S NEVER FUCKING OVER!" and walked back out through the crowd right past me and I touched him and Benoit was left caughing up BLOOD and SPIT in the ring!!!!!!!

Next was Nathan Jones (BOO!) versus Orlando Bloom and I said "I hizzate Nathan Jizzones!" and Dave said "LOL, you just said jizz owns!" So I put him in a sleeper hold...which is just what Jones's match did to all the fans lol! And he won with a bodyslam or something.

Next Vince McMahon appeared on scree and we all booed and on screen it said "Undertaker's Death Update" and Vince smiled and said "Here is this week's Undertaker's death update. The still dead! Mwahahahahaha!"

Next Eddy comes out for a match with the Bashems and Chavo was supposed to be his partner but he didnt show up! And the Bashams won with a double spinebuster then Shanikwa whipped them until they bled and I was kind of turned on! And they left Eddy crying in the ring and Eddy said "Where are you Chavito!?" and Chavo came out and said "Just like I said last week Eddy, I'm back with my REAL friends now" and then we heard some words we haven't heard in a long time..."MISFITS! IN ACTION!" and some peopel popped and did the MIA hand signle and sure enough Bill Demot, Lash LaRou (who's about 350 pounds now but still has his kewl haircut!), The Wall or Bull Buchannon or Horace Hogan or Van Hammer (cant remember!) and finally Major Gunns came out! And Chavo said "that's right, I'm Lootenant Loco again and I take orders from my Captain: General Hugh G Rection!" and Bill Demot was slouching so then Major Gunns got the line of the night and said "Hey! Stop slouching and stand ERECT!" and everyone laughed and I heard Hugh mutter "I hate my life." And Eddy just shrugged!

Next was a bikini contest between Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie! And Torrie looked hot in a red bikini and sure to win but then Dawn took her robe off and was just covering her boobs with her hands! And Tazz said "You call that a bikini?" and Dawn said "Yes, it's a HAND bikini!" and I marked out and then she started removing one finger at a time(!) until there was only her two little fingers left over her nipples!!!! But then suddenly a siren started to play and I recognised it as the Right To Censor siren! And sure enough Steven Richards and Ivory came out in there old Right To Censor outfits and threw a sack over Dawn and Steven said "We have come to Smackdown, our should I say SMUTdown to clean this place up one slut at a time!" and gave her a superkick and Ivory said "Most acceptable!"!!!!!

Nexxt was Jamie Noble versus Akyo or Tako or whatever that Jap is called and Jamie won in about a minute and said "Where's Tajir, boy?" and Kato pointed backstage so Jamie ran back...where Tajiri was in bed with Blind Nidia who thought he was Jamie because she cant see! And Jamie screamed "NOOOOOOO!" and Nidia said "Why are you upset, you were better than ever!"

Next was the debut of The Cat! And he came out dancing with a guy in a James Brown mask and Jacqueline for some reason! But before he could get down to some serious dancing the APA's music came on and the ran in and beat the crap out of him! And then Jackie said "Who hired you boys!?" and James Brown pulled his mask off and he was Scotty 2 Hotty!!! And Scotty said "I'm the number one dancinger on Smackdown and dont fogot that!" and did a HEEL WORM ending with a spit on The Cat!!!!!

Next Matt Mogan was shown chasing Rey Mysterio backstage but Paul Heyman stopped him and said "Hey, capture the midget was on RAW!"

It was now finaly time for the long awaited arm wrestling match between Hardcore Holly and Brock Lesnar! But right away Brock rammed the table they were sitting at into Hollys ribs then went for the F5 butt Holly reversed it in mid air into the full nelson of DOOM! And he wouldnt let it go and he must have had Brcok in it for nearly a minute when finally a stretcher came out to take Brock bacsktage but Holly still wouldnt let go so the paramedics wheeled Brock back on the stretcher with Holly lying on it too still holding Brock in the full nelson!

Backstage, Vince and Sable were having sex on a table in his office, but the table broke!

Next John Cena versus Big Show for the US title! And before the match Cena did his most viscious rap yet!

Yo yo yo, Big Show's favorite thing is eating, mine is doing my rap,

My back's going to hurt after this match from carrying you, your performances are total crap!

Dawg, chill, dont's get upset and depressed when you lose, food is the only thing that can comfort you,

You don't want to get fat again, they'll send you back down to OVW!

Well, I should have said fatter, you're so huge that it makes even me sad,

Big Bossman just called, said him and your mom still don't know who is your dad!

You're an ugly big nasty bastard too, no woman would want you, even Vince has Sable,

The chances of you ever getting laid are about as believable as King of the Ring being won by Mable!

Damn I hate you, I want to punch you, kick your ugly face with a mighty punt,

Your breath smells too dawg, in fact you're just a big, smelly...

But before we could say the naughtiest naughty word of all Big Show just grabbed him and chokeslammed him for the three and said "Now I'm going to make you eat your words!" and shoved the microphone down Cena's throat!!!!!!!!!!!1!

Paul Heyman was walking backstag and walked by Josh and said "Next it's time for my big surprise which will change the very face of the industry!"


And Heyman came out and said "And now, finaly, at last, the big surprise that will change the face of the industry!"...but then Sable's music played and she came out in a robe! And she said "Nobody wants to hear it Paul they want my Sablecious body in a bikini contest!" and Heyman said "Well, okay..." and Sable said "Lets make it interesting, if I my opponent wins, they become the new co-GM with you and he said "Sure, ain't nobody can beat you, Sable!" but then music started to play..."I'm all grown up. Now. And I've listened and read!" and STEPHANIE MCMAHON HELMSLEY(!!!!) came out in a robe! And Sable took her robe off first and got a huge pop and by that I mean a few guys popped a boner! And then Stephanie took her robe off...and she was even bigger than Lash Laroux had been! But for some reason I could hear people chanting "STEPHANIE, STEPHANIE" as though she was Goldberg (only hot and in a bikini, not that she was hot but the people who were chanting must have thought so!) but I was booing and so was Dave and we looked around and everyone else was booing too! But then we looked up and saw speakers playing the chants and then had piped in the Stephanie chants! So Dave and I ripped down the speakers but it was too late because Paul said "NO, NO, NO, YOU WIN, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!" and then suddenly Stephanie kissed Sable and they went backstage! And Sable went into Vince's office (and he had just finished fixing the table by the way) and said "I have a surprise for you!" and Steph came in in a bikini and said "I'm Daddy's little girl again!" and made out with Sable and Vince couldn't beleive it then he smiled evily and said "Everything I've always wanted I finally have!" and started undoing his pants and Steph started taking off her bikini but then Vince kicked the camera man out! And then you heard Stpeh giggling then a crash then Vince saying "Oh well, there goes that table again!"

It was the best tapping I've even been to and I've been to DOUBLE FIGURES!!!!

And now 4 this weekz interview with Eddy Guerrero! Eddie is the first mexican to be employed by the WWF since Tito Santana and some say that he could be as grate as Tito himself one day!

Me: Hello Eddie! How are you today?

Eddie: Holmes, I'm feeling great today, man! How is you doing, esse holmes?

Me: I'm great too, I got laid last night!

Eddie: Well, uhh...congratulations. Your mamacita is a very lucky girl, holmes.

Me: Yeah, she is! But I'm sorry for going on about my success, it must be realling getting you down.

Eddie: What chu talking about, holmes?

Me: Because you've been such a loser lately! You were one of the most over guys on Smackdown a while ago, but then you lost to Big Show, and The Bashems and you'll probably lose to Chavo soon...

Eddie: Okay, that's enough, holmes, I get what you mean esse.

Me: No wonder Chavo's going to turn on you!

Eddie: Chavito is not going to turn on me, holmes, we're familia! He's my esse vato, my esse lato, my esse cato, my Essay Rios, holmes!

Me: But you throw his Wooden horse in a wood chipper in WCW!

Eddie: That wasn't me, that was Norman Smiley or Saturn or somebody, holmes.

Me: Oh yeah, lol. But maybe Chavo will get annoyed at the way you talk in that annoying fake accent and randomly insert spanish words in every sentence.

Eddie: Holmes, are you loco, esse? I don't do that, esse! El passe de murte! I'm not a stereotype, holmes! I am offended that you could suggest so, me ofenden! Ondrole! I'm all about la raza, homles! I don't talk in Spanish too much, no hablo en espanol demasiado! How could chu say such a thing, esse? Ariba esse vato burritos, esse! Huh, holmes?

Me: Okay, I apologise.

Eddie: Chu better apologise, holmes! You don't want none of my latino heat, holmes!

Me: Your Latino heat sucks if the hottest woman you could ever attract was Chnya!

Eddie: There was Victoria and that other ho in a shower one time, holmes!

Me: Oh yeah, that was kewl.

Eddie: Correctomundo, Katie Holmes!

Me: Okay, so let's talk about your drug problems!

Eddie: I'd rather not, holmes.

Me: Is it true that one time you got so wasted that you forgot where you lived and went to the wrong house, and when you found the door was locked you went in through a window and the guy who lived there woke up and saw you and screamed "ARGH, A MEXICAN TRYING TO STEAL MY STUFF!" and ran to get his gun and shot at you as you were climbing back out the window and you ran off into the woods and tripped and hit your head and weren't found for another two days?

Eddie: That never happened.

Me: Maybe you were just too drugged up at the time to remember it happening!


Me: I get the feeling you don't like talking about your drug problem.

Eddie: No mierda, Sherlock Holmes!

Me: It's just that my readers want to know all the sensational stuff! I got Scott Hall and the Sandman to admit some pretty funny things when I interviewed them!

Eddie: You don't seem to understand that there's nothing funny about substance abuse problmes, holmes!

Me: Are you sure!? OMG!

Eddie: Why not talk about how I defeated my problems and made a successful return to the WWE last year and went on to become an even bigger star than before, holmes?

Me: Because that's boring!

Eddie: Well talk about my career or something. Talk about when my amigos the Radicalz and I jumped to the WWF.

Me: I was the first internet reporter to report that that was going to happen!

Eddie: Really holmes?

Me: Yeah! Well, I reported it back in June 1998 and I said it would be you, Raven, Silver King, Lex Luger and Chae from the Nitro Girls jumping. And that your group name would be The Bad Stuff! But I was still the first!!!

Eddie: Umm...well done...

Me: So what was it like kissing Chyna? Did you even notice that she had an Adam's Apple or anything?

Eddie: I thought we were going to talk about my career, esse?

Me: Kissing Chyna happened during your career! Or would you rather talk about how you STOLE the mullet gimmick from Awesome Mike Awesome?

Eddie: I think we should just wrap this interview up right now, holmes.

Me: Really? Well, okay. Thanx for your time and I hope you stay off the wagon!

Eddie: I think you mean on the wagon, holmes.

Me: Nah, everytime you get in a wagon you manage to crash it!

Eddie: Usted es un virginal adolescente feo y usted huele!

Me: Thanks!

What a kewl guy! Taht's all for now, I'll be back soon with more hizzott Hott Newz for my homiez and biatches!!!!!1

(This edition of Hot Newz is dedicated to the memory of Crash Holly, the greatest Hardcore champion of all time. Rest in peace, you little lepracorn!)


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