IT's been over a year(!) since Hot Newz last reported Hot Newz here on the internet and I know you must have all missed me as much as Marc Mero misses Sable! Teh reason I've been gizzone for so long is because I got the carpull tunnel sindrome!!!! That's what happens when someone (me in this case!) has been typing SO MUCH Hot Newz and interviewz on the internet that there wrists wither and DIE! And I had to have an operation beccause my wrists were so weak that I litterally could not type anymore or even masturwank! and then after the operation the doctor said that I shouldn't type for two months at least, but I knew all my peepz on teh internet missed me and I had to report that HHH and Big Steph were getting a divorce (they managed to work things out in the end!) so I just ripped the bandages off with my TEETH and got typing but after five thousand wordz I heard my wrists musceles snap again so I had to go back to hospital to have another operation! but I didn't mind because mom was paying for it anyway and there was a sexy nurse working in the hospital! Anyway, now I'm finally back but be warned, I might start making typoes beacuse of my weak wrists and I know you guyz arent used to taht from me but it cun't be help so LEARN TO LIVE WITH TIT!!!!
Anyway, the biggest newz is that Wrestlemania XXX happens in just two weekz LIVE from Madison squared gardens! And that rat bastard and holder downer of talent Cripple H (I made that one up, lol!) is going to screw Benoit over in the main event even though EVERYONE in the WORLD wants Benoit to win, even the dumb marks! And it'll be a triple threat match with HHH, Benoit and HBGAY Shawn Michaels and right at the start HHH will just give Shawn the finger poke of doom~! and Shawn will go down hard and HHH will pin him while Benoit just looks on in shock and confusion! Then Benoit will be all "What's that all aboot, eh!?" and Shawn will NIP UP (to show he isn't hurt!) and give Benoit a superkick and put him in the sharpshooter then HHH sez "what this is all ABOOT Benoit is that you suck and I am the Game and DX are alive and well and it's we're too fucking SUH-WEET for you to do anything about it, you sawn off vanilla midget!" and does a crotch chop! But then Bret Hart's music plays (!!!!!!!!!!!) and the fanz pop huge but it's just the Bret Hart midget from after Survivor Series 97 who comes out and HHH pedigrees him and gives him a wedgie! This will be the most shocking thing The Click has done in MSG since the famous MSG Curtain Call in 1996
(The famous MSG Curtain Call in 1996 was when Goldust was fighting Scott Hall in Hall's last match for da WWF and Goldust was about to go for the curtain call but Shawn, HHH, Kevin Nash, the 123 Kid and Savio Vega all ran in and with microphones and started SHOOTING on everyone and doing NWO hand signals and mooning the crowd and swearing and Shawn even said "Hey, now that Nash and Hall are gone, I think everyone should just watch Nitro for the next 80 weeks!" and HHH said to Goldust "I've been having some very TERRI days lately!" and Goldust started crying.)
And HHH has also booked another match for WM, a Japenese Shampoo Commercial Contract On A Poll match between RVD and Booker T! But after three minutes Edge will just come out and climb the poll and take the contrat so both RVD and Booker manage to job at WM again!
The Rock is currently scheduled to do a duet of the national anthem with Kelis (the hot milkshake girl!) at WrestleMania rather than wrestling. This is to show what a mutli talented superstar he is! And because everyone else already has matches.
Brutus Beefcake was doing cocaine when someone walked in and said "ARe you doing coke!?" and Brutus said "Uh, no, it's anthrax" and the other guy said "Oh, okay. OH SHIT, ANTHRAX, RUN!"
Anyway, I was going to give you Smackdown taping results (Smackdown was taped last night becuase the WWE's doing a tour of Brazil next Tuseday for one day only!) and since the show will air AFTER No Way Out, there will be spoilers for that show in the results! But whenever I post SD! results the WWE just re-edits the show to make it seem totally different and to make me look stupid! And Vince is so angry at newz being leaked onto the internet that he's said he'll personally kick the asses of everyone who reports results! And even though he's fifty years older than me, he's still a big guy and I have crippled wrists so I'm not going to mess with him! so instead I'll just answer reader queeries which readers have emailed me! And since I'm a busy man I can only answer one question at a time so if you have a second questeon just email it to Canadian Bulldog, he has nothing better to do anyway!
Hey Hot Newz, love the colum, got a question for you man I know you can answer it because you know about everything don't you man. Yeah you do. Anyway, I want to know which Divas you think are hottest give me yo' top ten divas that'll really help me out. Thanks man.
Thanx for da question! Here's my top ten...WITH COMMENTS!!!!!!!!
1) Lita - Lita is the very defnition of a "butter face"...in that her face looks like a big slab of butter! But she has the hottest body in wrestling OR out of it and wears kewl clothes!
2) Trish Stratus - She has big tits and blond hair...do you need me to draw you a diagram?!?!
3) Sable - See above but add fifteen years!
4) Gail Kim - SHE'S ASIAN!!!!!!!!!!1!
5) Molly Holly - big ass equals = more cushion for da pushin'!!!!!!!
6) Victoria - Nobody found Victoria hot before Scott Keith said she was hot one time and then suddenly everyone on the internet was like "OMG, Victoria's hot!" like a bunch of sheep, baa baa! but I found her hot since she made her debut as a Godfather Ho that he powerbombed through two chairs (and that's how she injured her brain and became DERRANGED), unlike you!
7) Torrie Wilson - Big bizzoobs and blond hair again, but loses points for being married to Kidman and whereas Trish's ass is the perfect bubble, Torrie's is more egg shaped!
That's only the top seven, for the full top ten (with revealing pics!) you'll have to buy my book The Hot Guide To Wrestling: A Fanz Look At Wrestling From The View Of The Eyez Of A Fan!, you cheap skaters!
Is there anyway we can stop Triple H from being evil? I can't stand to watch him be evil anymore, it makes me cry.
First of all, your a pussy! Second of all, good question! I think we need to arrange a campaign of HATE against Triple H! So whenever you go to a house show or tappings hold a sign that says something like "Hey HHH, do a job!" or "DIE HUNTER DIE!" or "HHH holds down talent and I'm sick of it and I'm going to stop watching WWE shows and buying merchandise if something isn't done about it!" & eventually vince is bound to notice one of those signs and realise the folly of giving Triple H full creative control!
Hi there. :) I was wondering if you could tell me what Jeff Hardy's doing now? And also if you could tell me if he has a girlfriend? Thanx lots. :) :) :)
Hey, that's two questions! But I'll let you get away with it because you're a girl and because I'm hoping 16 is you're age and not your dress size! jk lol Anyway, to teh first question Jeff has been forced to stop wrestling now because he sucks so he's busy playing with his band, owhygentomybrainY2KgenerationNXT. To the second question, lol, let's just say you're "not Jeff's type" and that he "prefers the company of men" (sexually), however I'm free at the moment, so hit me with an email and mabye we can go to a movie or something together or just cyber if you dont live near me!
Hey DOOD, I got a hott scoop for you brother, so hot in fact that soon I'll become your number one source for info! Anyway man my uncle is Patt Patterson's "special friend" if you smell what I'm microwaving, so he managed to steal the booking sheet which details the entire Eddie/Kurt Angle feud, and I'm sending it to you dood as a gift, you don't even have to pay me for it like you pay your normal sources, anyway here it is:
"On the next Smackdown, Eddie and Kurt are to team up against Lesnar and Vince McMahon in the main event. Before the match, Eddie goes to Kurt's dressing room to discuss strategy, but when he enters we see Kurt putting his clothes back on and Sable zipping her dress up! So Eddie quickly leaves and later the match goes ahead but suddenly Angle hits Eddie with an Angle Slam then hugs Vince and Lesnar! Angle then takes the mic and says "Eddie, you're not a REAL American like me Vince and Brock are, you're just a Mexican with an American passport! You make me sick, whoo!" Then the week after that Kurt contiues his assault on the Mexican race by choking Rey Mysterio out with an American flag, but then Eddie appears on the Oval Tron outside Kurt's house in Pittsburgh! And Kurt is confused but Eddie then goes into the house and introduces himself to Kurt's wife and then shows her a video of Kurt in bed with Sable! So Mrs. Angel says "Kurt, I'm kicking your olympic ass out and I want a divorce!" and Kurt starts crying. Then the week after that Eddie is all happy that he's split up Kurt's marriage but then Sable comes to Eddie crying and tells him that Kurt didn't take the break up well and now he's living on the streets and he's become a drug addict! And because Eddie used to be a drug addict living on the streets he knows that Kurt's going to so he says he'll drive to Pittsburg with Sable to find Kurt. So they drive through the streets in Eddie's low rider until they find Kurt living in the gutter. And Angle's looking rough and he has a long beard now and long hair and he's about to inject a needle into his arm when Eddie jumps out the car to stop him. Eddie says he can help Angle get through this time and he's booked him into rehab, and Kurt starts crying again, because he's so touched that Eddie would help him after what Angle did to him and he hugs Eddie. Then Eddie tells Kurt to get in the low rider, but Angle drops his needle and leans down to pick it up...and then hits Eddie with a low blow! And Sable then Sablebombs Eddie onto the hood of the lowrider! And Kurt says "Whooo, it was a set up, you big goof!" and rips his beard off and it was just a false beard! Then he puts Eddie in the Anklelock and you hear a pop and Eddie's ankle is broken so Kurt and Sable start having sex in the low rider and Eddie is forced to watch because he can't get away due to his ankle! And this leads into their match at WrestleMania."
You don't need to thank me, but it would be appreciated!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO and did I mention NO!!!!! This is a damn disgrace! I know you just made this whole thing up to try and make me look stupid, you bizzastard! It's bad enough when people send me fake newz, but when you make stuff up you're making a mockey of all the great internet news reports who work hard even at the cost of their own health (such as me)! You've forced me to do something which I dind't wnat to do and that is give away some Smackdown spoilers! If you don't want to know something that happens on Smackdonw, look away...NOW!
Kurt Angle comes out and says he's sorry for losing again last night and letting down all the troops but then Brad Shaw comes out draped in an american flag and says sorry aint' good enough! Brad Shaw says a friend in Iraq just called him on the phone and he was crying because Kurt's such a loser now! And Kurt says he'll try and get better, but Brad Shaw says it's too late for that, he's enrolled Kurt in army to make a man out of him and he flies out to Iraq right after he takes on Brad Shaw in a boot camp match at WrestleMania! And Kurt starts crying again and drops down onto his knees in front of Brad Shaw crying and Brad Shaw starts to undo his flies for some reason (!?) but then stops and says "Oh, sorry, I thought you were Paul London for a second there" and gives him da Clothseline from Hell!
Okay you can look again! Since I've given that away I may as wel give some more Smackdown spoilers but I'm going to keep them VAGUE so that the WWE can't edit the show like they usally do.
Paul Heyman YELLS at somebody about SOMETHING while Dawn Marie looks HOT in the background.
Brock Lesnar WRESTLES someone in the RING.
Big Show messes up a SPOT in a MATCH.
Chavo and Chavo SENOIR play POOL backstage until REY REY snaps their CUES.
Sean O'Haire comes out dressed AS a tube of toothpaste and says he here to FIGHT cavities, but then Rhyno comes out and GORES him and the cap on his toothpaste tube comes flying off and toothpaste SQUIRTS out all over the ring and Rhyno says "I am a living cavity, motherbleeper!"
As you can see it's a great and bizzizzarre show!
No Way Out is tonite and here are the resluts!
The Wrold's Greatest Tag Team versus Farroq and Brad Shaw
Faarok gets drunk before the match so Brad Shaw has to wrestle them both by himself which is no problem for him since he's used to taking on two guys at once (in bed! Probaby) and he squashes them both!
Scotty 2 Botty and Rakishi versus Bashems and Shanikwa
Scotty is about to hit da Worm on one of the Bashems when Shaniqu steps in the way and quickly pulls something out of her leather pants and Scotty just stops dead and his jaw drops then the other rolls him up for the pin. And then the replay shows what was in Shaniqwa's pants...A Grand Masta Sexay action figure!
Jamie Noble in a blindfold versus Nidia not in a blindfold
Nidia's kicking his ass but then Tajii runs in and sprays WHITE mist (!) in Nidia's face and she's blinded again! ANd Tazz quips "I bet that's not the first time she's had a sticky white substance sprayed in her face!" and Noble slams her and is about to go for the pin when "Stand back, there's a Hurrican coming through!" plays and The Hurricane runs out! And he says "The Helms/Nidia relationship is back on....beyoooooootch!" and gives Noble a shiney wizard and Nidia gets the pin! Then hurricane wipes the white mist off her face with his cape and then kisses Nidia with his Hurri-lips and Hurri-tongue and she feels his Hurri-ass!
Rey Mysterio with legendary boxer Jorge Pizzaz versus Chave Guerrrrero with Chavo Guerrero Seneor
Rey goes for the 619 on Chavo but in mid air Jorge punches Rey in the ballz and Chavo gets the pin! And then Jorge says "Ha, I'm not a legendary boxer at all, I just told you that lie and you believed it! My name isnt Joge Pazzaz at all...it's Jorge Guerrero esse!" and he's the newest Guerrerro brother!
Kurt Angle versus Big Show versus John Cena
Before the match Kurt again dedicates his victory to the brave US troops and it's a grate match and Angle and Cena try to work together to beat the monster Big Show, but in the end they get him up for a double suplex but he's just too heavy and falls on them both and pinz them both and Big Show wins! Then Kurt starts crying and Brad Show walks out and just stands staring at Kurt shaking his head in disgust (setting up what happened on Smackdown, duh!)
Brock Lesnar versus Eddie Guereryo
Brokc throws him around for twenty minutes then says to Godlberg "I dare you to spear me!" and Goldberg goes for it but misses like he always does and spears Eddy and Brock gets the pin and the fans actually cheer Brock for being so smart and this sets up face Brock versus heel Big Show at WrestleMania for the titel and this is being done because Triple H asked that no Smackdown match be better than his match at WM.
It's goign to be a great show!
Kanyon, The Cat and Zack Gowen were all fired for sucking this week, so I decided to interview them all and laugh at their pain!
Me: Hi Zack!
Me: Remember when you did a major blade job and Brock Lesnar kicked the shiznit out of you in front of your mom? That was cool.
Gowen: Thanks. What about the time I beat Matt Hardy?
Me: No, that sucked, Hardy'z ten times the wrestler you are. No, a hundred times!
Gowen: I'll be back in the WWE someday...
Me: Only if you grow a new leg and gain 100 pounds lb, sucker!
Gowen: Even with one leg I bet I could kick your ass.
Me: Yeah, but you'd fall over when you did!
Me: Who making more money than Kanyon? EVERYBODY!!!!!
Kanyon: Good one.
Me: Hi Cat! Why do you think you were fired? Because you're the worst wrestler ever or because nobody can understand a word you say?
Cat: Because Vince was jealous of my dance, bro. Man, that whitey danced like Elaine from Seinfeld!
Me: SHUT UP YOU SUCK.
Me: Hi dood!
Tommy Dreamer: Hi.
Me: I was so sorry to hear about you being fired.
Dreamer: Uhh, I haven't been fired...
Me: Oh, sorry, I called a week too early, never mind!
Well, that was funn! I'll be back soon wtih more evne hotter Newz, if you thought this Newz was hizzott, then you'll think my next Newz is fizzukking hizzizzott in the hizzzoooooooouse! Or something!!!!!!!!!!!!
JERICHO TO QUIT WRESTLING IN 2005 TO BECOME A TALK SHOW HOST? WILLIAM REGAL DOWN TO 155 POUNDS? KEIBLER AND JACKIE TO PROVE THEY ARE SEXIER THAN SABLE AND TORRIE BY JUST DANCING OCCASIONALLY AND MAKING VAGUE CLAIMS OF SUPERIORITY RATHER THAN DOING THE SENSIBLE THING AND APPEARING IN PLAYBOY ALONG WITH TRISH FINALLY AND LITA, OH PLEASE GOD LET THAT HAPPEN? KIDMAN BULKING UP FOR JUMP TO RAW AND FEUD WITH TRIPLE H? PLUS HOT NEAR NAKED NUDE PICS OF ALL THE DIVAS TOGETHER IN VINCE MCMAHON'S MANSION EATING WHIPPED CREAM OFF EACH OTHER FOR HIS AMUSEMENT PLUS THE HOT NEWZ ARCHIVE CLICK HERE!